#sister alexis putellas

[samkerrworshipper]

suffer in silence | barca femeni x reader

warnings: self harm, depression, mentions of abuse, alcoholism, angst, fluff, anger, treatment of sh scars… i don’t proofread so sorry if theirs typos xo

“Y/n, can we talk to you for a minute?”

Your attention was captured by Alexia, who was flanked on either side by Lucy and Mapi. You kept your eyes centred on the ball at your feet, you didn’t want to talk to any of the olderwomen, you wanted to continue your shooting practice.

“Can’t I talk to you after this?”

It was a deflection, one that was well overused by you at this stage, normally you would deflect until the women forgot about it or you had enough of an opportunity to slip away from them.

“No, come with us.”

Alexia’s voice was as cold as Antarctica, like a cold piece of ice pressed against your skin, brutally freezing you to your spot on the pitch.

“I’m good.”

It was stupid for you to try and defy the woman, she was terrifying. Alexia’s jaw locked itself, your eyes unable to meet the older woman's cold ones. Mapi reached out, clutching down onto your bicep hard enough to make you wince, her practised fingers bearing down on your skin and yanking you towards them.

“Not a smart idea little girl, we were going to be nice and let you have a say in this but now you’ve gotten yourself in trouble.”

You were dragged behind the older women, some of your other teammates that were still on the pitch watching as you kicked your heels down on the ground in which you were being hauled along. Mapi’s grip was inescapable though, her iron-like grip on your bicep so tight that you were forced to her hip, having nowhere near enough strength to stop her from walking you directly towards the tunnel. She walked behind Alexia, letting the captain lead the way into the locker room. Once Lucy had closed and locked the door behind you Mapi pushed you down onto one of the benches, her arms falling to your shoulders to stop you from trying to escape the women.

“I’m pretty sure this is kidnappery.”

Your voice was a low murmur, you were teetering on the edge with Alexia and you knew it, you knew that one little push would have her hurling over the cliff, a storm of anger pushing her.

“What in god's name made you think it was okay to behave that way on the pitch?”

You knew Alexia had been nothing but disappointed with your conduct recently, she’d been on your ass about getting your shit together and you’d been ignoring her, for a multitude of reasons. This week though, it had all gone downhill for you. You were currently on a six day bender, something you were not exactly proud of but didn’t really have any intention of ending. Today though, everything had been so much words and early on in training you’d gotten in a tussle with Ingrid that you weren’t exactly proud of, which had then resulted in a fairly heated interaction with Frido which had ended in Keira dragging you away from the older woman to prevent anything serious happening.

“Ingrid was being pushy.”

It was a lie and you knew it, the girl was a complete golden retriever, she couldn’t hurt a fly if she tried and she’d been nothing but nice to you, for some reason she’d just been getting on your nerves today for some reason.

“No she wasn’t and even if she was that is hardly an excuse to be so aggressive to a teammate.”

Alexia’s voice was brutally harsh, beating down on you with no mercy.

“Nobody was hurt.”

Your words were even meeker than before, your confidence shrinking as the minutes went by.

“She very well could have been if Keira hadn’t managed to get to you in time.”

Alexia’s voice was pointed, she wasn’t accepting your weak attempt at an excuse.

“Okay, I’m sorry, can we be done now?”

The last thing you’d wanted after that training session was to be sitting down in front of a very angry Alexia, Lucy and Mapi on the flip side of a lecture that you were aware was probably overdue.

“No, we’re not done. Aitana talked to me this morning.”

Aitana was your best friend, your roommate, and you weren’t exactly sure what she’d told Alexia but you knew from the facial expression she was giving you that it couldn’t have been good. You racked your brains trying to think about what Aitana could have told her, she knew more about you then anybody else, she was like your sister and you were a little bit worried about what she could have told your captain.

“Aitana doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

It was another deflection, because there was a very small, niggling chance that she was bluffing and that small chance was enough for you to stay defiant. You tried to keep your eye contact with Alexia, but momentarily averted it when the vulnerability of the conversation became too much.

“She seemed to know quite a lot this morning when Salma found her balling her eyes out in the bathroom. It took a good half an hour to get her to calm down before she was coherent enough to tell us what had her so worried.”

You bit down on your lip, you still weren’t exactly sure what Aitana had told Alexia, and you weren’t stupid enough to give away information that hadn’t been revealed, so you let the sentence mellow out in the room, trying to figure out what there was for you to say.

“Aitana is antsy about the Ballon D’or, she’s hardly been sleeping lately, let alone thinking straight.”

Alexia’s eyebrows rose almost up to her hairline, her right one cocked at me, silently asking me if I was really lying to her right now. One thing Alexia hated was lying, it was her pet peeve. I didn’t think that I was blatantly lying to her right now though, just avoiding telling the truth.

“I agree, she is antsy. But she’s also an observant girl, and she’s a strong one, she doesn’t get worked up over nothing, that’s why I was so perplexed when we found her having a mental breakdown. To her credit, it took quite a lot of work from our end to try and get to the bottom of it, but she cracked eventually.”

This whole situation, Mapi’s hands secured on your arms to stop you from moving from the bench, Alexia looking down at you from her spot standing above you, Lucy standing by the door like a security guard. It was screaming interrogation, screaming some kind of intervention and it was making you feel sick to your stomach, because whilst you’d been in a fair amount of trouble over the years with Alexia and your teammates, it had never quite looked like this.

“Aitana does not know what she is talking about.”

Your words were forced out between your gritted teeth, you weren’t sure what she’d told the women, but based off of their facial expressions it really wasn’t good, the mixture of anger and concern written all over their face enough to tell you that their dismay stemmed far further than your actions on the field.

“She seemed to know what she was talking about when she told us that you’ve hardly been spending any time at home, that you are out every night, gone far before she’s in bed and home long after she’s awoken. She says that you’ve been binge drinking, and that you’ve been engaging in some other self soothing behaviours that are hardly disconcerting.”

This was the point where you could try and reason with Alexia, or you could flat out lie. You felt like you were at a crossroads, a part of you wanted to just break down, let her know just how much pain you’d been experiencing for the past few months, but you weren’t going down without a fight.

“Aitana’s full of shit.”

Your voice was nowhere near as confident as you wished it to be, you felt like your body was being washed out to sea, like you were floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean and just slowly drifting out of reach.

“Aitana has never lied to me, you however, do not have as good of a track record. I would give you the benefit of the doubt, but the shakiness, excessive sweating, clammy hands, dilated pupils, agitation and tremors are a pretty sure sign that you're coming down from a pretty bad hangover.”

You purse your lips, and ignore the way that Mapi’s hands had now released themselves from your arms and she’d seated herself down next to you, one of her palms coming down to rest on your knee. The whole approach was very different to the one that she had with you a few minutes ago, her harsh grip transitioning to one that resembled comfort.

“C’mon cariño, you can tell us what’s been happening, we’re here for you.”

Mapi’s voice was practically cooing at you, so gentle, like a piece of silk. You kept your facial expression stock still, trying your very hardest to keep up your shields that you’d been holding up with your bare hands for weeks now.

“Nothing’s happening, I’m fine.”

It was a flat out lie, so much had been happening, so much stuff that you’d never wanted the light of day to see, things that were making you feel anything but fine.

“Take off your shirt y/n.”

You felt your whole body jolt at the question. Alexia had probably seen you thousands of times without a shirt on, hell you’d probably seen eachother naked hundreds of times. But something about the nature of the request, the intention behind it, made it feel so wrong to you, especially with three sets of eyes beating down directly onto you.

“Excuse me?”

There was worry behind your words, a different kind of worry that stemmed from the pit of your stomach, a worry that Alexia knew more than she was letting on.

“You say that Aitana is lying to me, then prove to me that some of the things she’s told me about you are untrue and I’ll start believing what you are telling me.”

Parts of your body tensed up that you’d never felt tight before. The coil in your body winding itself up as tightly as it could, your whole body stilling at Alexia’s words.

“That’s not fair.”

“What’s not fair is you lying to me, so make your decision.”

Alexia’s voice was so harsh, so protective, fired backwards at you with anger. You knew that most of the anger came from her overwhelming protective tendencies that she had for you, you were like her daughter, or younger sister, a responsibility that she took very seriously. Sometimes she was overbearingly protective, if anybody did as much as touch you on the field they were dead meat, and almost guaranteed to be on the receiving end of a brutal tackle the next time the ball came anywhere near them. She loved you like a sister, and loved you enough to have realised that right now, you were driving yourself to the edge of a cliff and she wasn’t sure how far off you were from going over the edge and she would be damned if she let you go overboard without putting up a fight.

“I’m not lying.”

It was a weak argument, one that you knew Alexia would struggle to believe, an argument she would just brush off like a piece of lint on her shoulder.

“Okay then, show me that.”

Your jaw stayed locked, Alexia mirroring the same face, neither of you wanting to recognise the others argument.

You didn’t know what to say or do, because you knew what you were hiding, and Alexia did as well. But something about airing it out, admitting it, showing her it, made all of it so much worse, like it wasn’t just something you were struggling with, it was going to be something that the three women were aware you were struggling with and that made it so much worse for some reason that you couldn’t explain.

“Come on hermosa, you don’t have to hide from us anymore, you can show us, we’re here for you.”

Mapi’s words struck your heartstrings, pulling and tugging at them intensely, bringing tears to the back of your eyes. It was like a good cop bad cop type situation, the two contrasting Spanish women taking up all of the room in your brain.

Mapi tucked gently at the sleeve of your Barcelona hoodie, a gentle reminder of what it was that they were asking of you.

“You won’t be mad?”

Alexia’s brick wall of a face dropped a little bit, the sternness and toughness on her face dissipating enough for her to give you a little reassuring smile.

“Never.”

You let out a deep breath, tugging strongly at the bottom of your hoodie and beginning to tug it over your head slowly.

Underneath you were wearing nothing more than your sports bra, so as soon as the material was removed from your body everything that you’d been working so tirelessly to hide was on reveal and it made you just a little bit sick to your stomach. What if they hated you? What if they didn’t understand? What if they thought you were crazy?

Alexia took in a deep breath, sucking in a decent amount of oxygen as her eyes darted across your upper body and stomach, raking across your skin.

“Lucia, can you please retrieve the first aid kit, it should be in the medical cupboard.”

Lucy nodded deftly as Alexia, surprise clear on her face as she took a look at your body, her eyes popping just a little bit out of her eye sockets as she looked all over your body.

Alexia, after taking a proper assessment of your body, seated herself down beside you on the bench, sandwiching you between her and Mapi. Alexia’s hand fell down to your thigh, rubbing a little circle against your knee as she awaited Lucy.

Lucy quickly returned, retrieving the medical kit that Alexia had requested and handing it over to her before sitting herself down on the floor of the rooms, directly in front of the three of you.

Alexia very quickly dived into the kit, picking out a few items before handing the kit back to Lucy and looking down at you, a lot of emotions passing through her eyes.

“I’m going to treat these, and once I’m done we are going to sit down and talk about it, alright. I’ll apply some burn cream and disinfectant, just to stop infection, it’s going to hurt but the last thing we need is you getting some form of infection, so hold Mapi’s hand and just take some deep breaths for me.”

You nodded at Alexia, taking a look down at your abdomen only to be faced with the scattered self inflicted burns and scars that littered your toned stomach. It wasn’t something you were proud of, but it also wasn’t something that you were scared of.

Alexia got to work immediately, picking up the cream and pressing a little dollop to her finger before very gently beginning to work it into the tattered skin across your abdomen. It wasn’t pretty, and you winced as the disinfectant seeped into your skin and burned.

Mapi clutched onto your hand, rubbing circles into your palm with her thumb whilst whispering sweet Spanish nothings in your ear. You clutched onto her, as Alexia continued her process, not faltering once even as you cried out and whined, she knew that she had to do this and stopping every time you exhaled was only going to make the process so much more stretched out and painful.

Once she finished with the disinfectant she moved on to a burn cream, which hurt less but still stung all the same. She gently worked it into the markings, taking time with every one to focus individually on them. Her brows furrowed deeper with every single mark she located, you wondered if she was taking a tally, it was something Ale would do. She wasn’t exactly a worrier, but she was an empath and the kind of person that took responsibility for everything, and internally you knew that this would just be another one of those things that she’d think was her fault and you hated that, because it couldn’t be any further from the truth.

The process of watching Alexia finish up with cleaning the wounds was more painful than anything else, listening to her exhale as she tucked the cream tubes back into the first aid kit and looked up at you, a unsure frown on her face. It wasn’t a deep one, not the kind that gave you frown lines, the kind that quirked the corners of your mouth up and didn’t fully reach your eyes. An anxious frown, not a sad one.

“How about we go back to my house? We can talk about this over some dinner, how does that sound cariño?”

Whilst Mapi had phrased it as a question, you knew it actually wasn’t, she knew just as all of you did that in the next half an hour everyone was going to trail into the locker rooms, and whether she wanted to admit it or not, there was a good chance that this whole situation was going to make a scene and none of you wanted that kind of attention.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

Mapi looked over at Alexia, her eyes attaching to the slightly younger woman, a silent prayer for her to back her up.

“Sweet, let’s just get you back to Maria’s, and we can sort it out there, yeah? We’re all worried about you.”

You locked your jaw, you wanted to say no, but you also knew it would be pointless, the word no simply wasn’t a phrase that was a part of your vocabulary in this interaction.

“C’mon hermosa, let’s get out of here.”

Alexia pulled her jacket from her shoulders, draping it back over yours and zipping it up to the top, leaving none of your now treated marks on show. Mapi had already reached into your cubby, collecting the groups bags and hauling them onto her broad shoulders, the defenders muscular arms not even looking strained by the weight of your fours bags. Lucy was tasked with getting you standing, a job you thought you could do by yourself, but found to be a struggle when you realised that your legs had sort of numbed themselves, a cloudy kind of bizarreness that had spread itself out across your body. You let Lucy take the reins with you, swinging one of your arms over her shoulder to assist her with hauling you out of the rooms and directly out into the car park.

You were practically dead weight, having to focus all of your energy on putting each foot in front of the other. It was hard work for you, but you were rewarded when you finally made it to Ale’s car, Lucy helping you into the backseat and following you in, pulling you into a hug whilst she tasked herself with getting both of your seatbelts clicked in. As soon as they were, and Alexia and Mapi had taken their seats in the front they began driving.

You let your body relax into Lucy’s, not doing much thinking, just allowing yourself to exist. It was hard work sometimes, allowing yourself to exist. It was easy enough to go through the motions, to just force yourself to do the basic things, but actually existing, actually living, it fucking sucked and it was fucking hard work. When you pulled up at Mapi’s house, Lucy helped you back out of the car and practically hauled you up the stairs and into Mapi’s house. It was harder work than it seemed, you were mostly dead weight, so Lucy was dragging your whole bodyweight. When she did make it to the door, Ingrid was waiting there, with bottles of water and a big fluffy blanket that Lucy very quickly wrapped around your shoulders and with the assistance of Ingrid they managed to lift you up and onto the couch in the middle of the apartment, letting you tuck yourself into the blankets and pillows.

Ingrid was the first one to sit down with you, bringing your blanketed form into her arms and cradling you against her chest. A lot of the time they forgot just how young you were, only just 19. You’d been running with the big girls since you were 14 though, making your debut for both Barcelona and Spain that year. You were still a kid though, you were mature and you were more than good enough to be where you were, but sometimes the women forgot that you were simply just less experienced, and far younger than any of them.

“Jeg har deg vakker, der er greit.”

Ingrid’s words were murmured against your forehead as she pressed a kiss to your hairline, pressing a bottle of water to your lips. You took a few tentative sips, before pushing the bottle away with your face. Ingrid didn’t push you, she just nodded and placed it down on the coffee table before focusing back on you. Ingrid was a good soul, sometimes too much so. Sometimes she just cared too much, but right now it felt like just enough, especially considering just how much hurt you’d been forced to feel over the past few hours. Ingrid was making you feel loved, something that you’d been lacking over the past few weeks.

It was a few minutes later, or maybe a few hours, though you were doubtful over the latter because it was still light outside when Alexia, Mapi and Lucy joined the two of you on the couch. Alexia looked like she’d been crying, something you were not used to, nor expecting and it played with your head, had you made her sad? Was it your fault that she had been crying?

Alexia sat down in front of you, on the floor, finding your hands and taking them in her own, looking you eye to eye. You moved yourself a little bit out of Ingrid’s arms, not fully removing yourself from her embrace, but moving yourself so you could focus more on Alexia.

“Bebita, how long?”

The question was vague, but you knew what she was asking and suddenly it made everything feel so much more real, you couldn’t shove this under the carpet, or try and act like it had never happened, because it was happening, right now in front of you.

“Ale.”

Your words were pleading, she shook her head at you, her face gentle but stubborn.

“No, you can’t pout your way out of this. I’m not going to be mad, or disappointed, I just need you to be honest with me, that’s all I ask hermosa, just be honest with me and we’ll work this out, I promise.”

Your eyes fell to the carpet. You could feel Mapi and Lucy sitting down beside you on the couch, Mapi’s hands coming up to massage your shoulders and Lucy’s falling to your lower back, tracing gentle patterns across the skin.

“Since I was 16, I stopped when I was 17, picked it up after the World Cup, after the trials and what happened with Jorge.”

Alexia’s breath caught in her chest. She knew that she should have tried harder to support you when it was happening, knew that you weren’t fully okay after everything that had gone down at the world cup, especially after it had been revealed how the coaching staff had been treating you, and keeping it a secret.

“Okay, thank you for telling me. You’ve been going through a lot, and it’s understandable that you needed something to compensate for all the pain you’ve been feeling. But this can’t go on hermosa, not when you're harming yourself in the process. It’s not safe for your physical health or mental health. You're dependent on it, and it’s understandable, as a kid you found something that worked for you, that took away a fraction of the pain you were feeling. It helped you survive, I commend you for that, truly. You found a way to live in a world that wanted nothing more than for you to fail, good on you. But you aren’t a sixteen year old girl anymore, cowering in a corner from abuse and hate, you are 19 and you have people around you who love and cherish you, mi amor. You don’t have to rely on the same survival techniques that you used as a kid, because you aren’t a kid anymore. You can live now, go on holiday, wake up at 5am to watch the sunset, and party. You can have fun without other people's permission, you can be whoever the fuck you want to be and not have to apologise for it. That’s the best part about growing up, that you get to be whoever you want, unapologetically.”

Alexia’s words were so honest, so raw, like they were coming from the very depths of her heart. It hit you hard, right in the chest, like a punch to the stomach, because what were you supposed to say to that?

“I don’t know how to do any of those things.”

Your words were murmured from your lips, only just leaving your voice box. It was the honesty of the moment, the honesty of expressing to these women that you’d never done any of those things.

You were fairly certain that honesty was your favourite thing in the world, because it wasn’t easy to be honest. It was easy to hide behind white lies and blurred screens, but you couldn’t hide behind honesty. The best way to love another person is to be honest with them. You’d fallen in love over the years with honesty, with people's honest moments. Their unmade beds, the moments when they were drunk and crying and can’t be anything but honest with you in the moment. The look in a person's eyes when they realise that they’ve just told you something about themselves that is humiliating or not necessarily the norm, or the look somebody gives you when they’ve just woken up and they’ve forgotten where they are, or the gasp they make when their favourite character dies in a movie. You fell in love with people and their honest moments all the time, a slip up of words, smeared makeup, daydreams, breakdown, mourning, anger, laughter. When somebody is honest with you it makes you happier, it makes you more yourself with them because you trust them with you, with the real you. You become the first person that is looked at when something is going wrong, the kind of person that you can be strong for but also exhausted. You can laugh but also talk about trauma. That person for you right now was Alexia, a woman who was lying everything out in front of you and the sheer honesty that she was showing you was forcing you to break at the seams.

“That’s okay, that’s what we’re all here for. We’re going to be here to support you every single step of the way, but that starts with you making the promise that you are going to try. I understand relapse is a part of the cycle, I’m not naive or stupid, I know that you’ve got an addiction, just like any other. So I’m not asking you to stop right this minute, or try and tell you that we’re just going to turn your life around with the snap of fingers, because we won’t. I want you to promise me that you are going to try though, and come to us if you have tendencies. Surviving isn’t pretty, y/n/n, it sucks and it’s fucking hard. I just need you to be honest with us though, just tell us the truth, because there is zero point in bullshitting us when we are going to find out anyway.”

You sucked in a deep breath, nodding at Alexia’s words.

“I’ll try.”

Alexia smiled and nodded at you, taking a deep breath as she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. You felt the demon that had been in your head slowly start to silence itself. For you it had always been one more mark, just another one to add the the collection. It was never about stopping, never about caring. Why would you care? You were put on the planet to serve your country, that was your job. It didn’t matter how you got there, just that you did get there. Now you were there though, and it was all coming crashing down on you. There was no reward for the years of abuse, neglect and pain. The damage to your body and soul didn’t matter, nothing did. You were just another casualty, another body left to the pile.

“You deserve a good life hermosa. The abuse, trauma and pain you had to endure, the unbelievable pain that has changed you forever, makes you a fighter. With the memoir of scars, you are a warrior born into the mess of life but you are a brave soul, one deserving of love, if you’ll accept it.”

You felt like there were glass shards pressing to your throat, digging into the skin and your oesophagus. You didn’t know how to explain it but you were angry. Angry that you were being forced to recover from something that you should have been protected from. You were too young to be this ghost of pain, children were supposed to be happy and free and yet that was something that you hadn’t truly experienced in the last five years. You could have been a little girl, and yet the people who were supposed to protect you failed you and no amount of healing would change that. You were never getting your childhood back, or not the version of it that you wished to have. It hurt, from the inside out, knowing that you were never going to have that part of your life to reminisce over, that one day, when you had kids of your own, maybe. You’d never be able to tell them the stories, tell them about your own childhood, because for you it had all been soccer.

“I’m going to try for you, te prometo que.”

Alexia smiled at you, nodding and pushing herself up off of Mapi’s rug and joining your pile on the couch, nuzzling herself into you, essentially sandwiching you in between the four women.

“We know you will tesoro, and if you fall we’ll be here to catch you, we’ve got you from now on, no more hiding from us, si?”

You nodded hopelessly into Alexia’s chest, letting yourself fall into the women and having faith that they were going to catch you, that you didn’t have to fight this battle all by yourself anymore.

[wileys-russo]

I can’t believe I’ve imagined two time balon de oro winner Alexis Putellas EGGING houses like damn those arms might as well be used for something 😂

filling the void alexia rides hard for her sisters even if it means childish vandalism to defend them ✊🏼✊🏼

[samkerrworshipper]

i will wait for you | leah williamson x reader, barca women x reader

!!! completed !!!

uploaded a spoiler a week ago but this is it all done xo

You knew that this time when you went down it was different. All you’d been doing was sprinting up the sideline, your eyes focused solely on Alexia as she shot the ball a few feet in front of you. It was a good pass, a good line that had you heading straight for goal, hopefully it would secure your first in the Champions League final against Wolfsburg. It took a mere split second before you collapsed on the ground in complete agony. The umpire's whistle had blown almost immediately, your teammates huddling around you to give you some privacy whilst the medic made their way over to you, everyone trying to figure out what had happened. You were writhing against the pitch, screaming in pain that no one knew the source of. All you could do was sob and reach for your ankle as the medics tried their hardest to assess you and get you loaded onto a stretcher.

You were in unfathomable pain, resulting in the team's medics making the executive decision to pump you full of pain meds before they wheeled you off to the x-ray machines. You were a sobbing mess, the realisation kicking in that you were in so much pain and the realisation that your Champions League dream was over.

The x-rays confirmed your suspicions and you watched from the medical room as your team secured three goals against your opponents and when the whistle finally blew, they all became Champions. You watched as they all fell to their knees on the pitch, they were back to back champions, you were bedridden.

Instead of being out partying with the rest of the girls, you were put on the first flight back to Barcelona, you were in Bilbao, so they loaded you directly onto a medical helicopter and flew straight back to Barcelona. You passed out on the ride their, with the mix of disappointment and drugs mixing in your system to send you into a discomforting slumber.

When you woke up you were in a hospital in Barcelona. A series of doctors outlining to you the severity of your injury and what the coming weeks looked like for you. You tried your hardest to listen to their drawl, but it all went in one ear and came out the other. After they were done you insisted on being discharged, even with their warning words about the fact that it would be best if you stayed for another day or so, just before someone returned to take you back to your apartment and look after you whilst you were on such intense pain meds. You ignored their pleas, insisting that you go home by yourself, you didn’t want nor need their pity.

You got yourself home, in an uber, high off of the pain meds that were the only thing keeping you on your feet. You’d never liked crutches, found them extremely awkward and hard to use. You’d never believed that statement more than right now, as you attempted to crutch your way up the stairs of your apartment so you could make it to your bed. You were woozy on your feet, the drugs you were on making you sway as you tried your very hardest to focus on the step in front of you.

It took everything you had to make it to your bed, the pain, the tears, the pure need you had in your soul to just do it by yourself. You’d never felt more alone in your life, your team was too busy celebrating, your family was too busy doing other things to even think about you. By the time you made it to your bed you were completely spent, throwing yourself down into the sheets and falling into a deep sleep.

You awoke a horrific amount of times during the night, trembles of pain washing across your body directly from your ankle. It was gut wrenching pain, but you’d left your pain meds downstairs and you hardly trusted yourself on crutches during the day, let alone in the middle of the night. So you stayed in your bed, writhing in pain all throughout the night, willing for the sun to arise so you could finally get access to the medication you need so heavily. You knew there were people you could call, even if your teammates were in a different part of Spain. You knew that they would do anything to make you feel better, but you just couldn’t manage it, the guilt of taking away from their win was too much for you to bear.

When the sun finally did rise you tried your hardest to push yourself out of your bed and onto your crutches, but your legs felt like jelly. So instead of doing the rash thing and calling somebody, you pushed yourself down onto the floorboards of your room and started the gruelling process of pushing yourself against the floorboards and towards your stairs.

If crutches managed to hurt your ankle, then scooting yourself against the floors of your house was gruelling, a true struggle. Getting down your stairs was a nightmare, every single bump or nudge against the boot your ankle had been secured in was agony. The clunky thing was no help, it weighed down your ankle and made it a far bigger target for lodging itself on the edge of a stair.

Eventually, with tears flowing freely down your face you made it down the stairs and scooted yourself into the kitchen of your house, where you’d left the medications given to you by your doctors the day before. You reached up to your kitchen bench, clawing whatever you could reach for off of the ledge and brushing them down onto the floor beside you. It took all of your energy to get the medications down on the floor next to you, so you were relieved when you saw that you’d managed to scoop up the oxycodone pills from above you, which you knew would be enough to dull some of the pain you were feeling. You dry swallowed three pills, popping them into your mouth and forcing them down.

You looked across at the staircase in your apartment, your eyes were slowly becoming hooded and you knew you weren’t going to be able to make it back up the stairs, plus your apartment floor wasn’t that uncomfy right now?

You couldn’t help but slump against your kitchen bench, sleep and pain overwhelming you as you passed out on the floor of your kitchen.

“Y/n/n, babygirl, wake up for me.”

It was the feeling of a hand shaking against your face that brought you back to the world. In your drug induced haze it took a few seconds for your eyes to focus on the person responsible for your awakening.

“Ale, what are you doing here?”

You pushed her hand away from you, feeling a little bit vulnerable in your current position as she looked down at you from her position standing above you. Alexia was frowning down at you, and just as you’d finished taking her in you began to realise a lot of your team was piled into your apartment, you couldn’t make out everyone though.

“Bebita, we haven’t heard from you since the game, we’ve all been worried sick, you haven’t been answering anybody’s calls or texts.”

I tried my best to work up whatever courage and dignity I had, which was hard considering I was dressed in an oversized Barcelona champions shirt and whatever shorts the hospital must have been able to find to put me in.

“I’m fine, you can all leave, go back to celebrating.”

They all looked some form of hungover, they should be out partying, celebrating the win, instead they’d congregated in your house, which was honestly making you feel so much worse.

“I won’t have that tone pequeño, you clearly aren’t fine, if you were you wouldn’t be passed out on your kitchen floor after ghosting everybody for the last two days. I know you are in pain, but that does not warrant you pushing everybody out.”

Alexia’s voice was harsh, the voice she reserved for when she was making orders on the pitch, a voice that would normally have you quivering under her, but the mixture of the pain and embarrassment you were feeling was enough fuel for your drugged up state to use.

“Joder! I’m fine, go party, go celebrate, Estoy Bien, Déjame en paz.”

Your tone wouldn’t go over well, you knew that but the confidence from your statement was apparently fuel for you to stand yourself up from the ground on your own. You felt the shooting pain going up your leg almost immediately, as you struggled to balance with only one functioning foot. Alexia knitted her brows together, clenching her jaw as you watched her try to keep her composure, you never pushed a hungover Alexia, it never had a good result.

“I understand that you are in pain and that you don’t want to acknowledge. You need help though, and we have all come to give it, so please just let us.”

I looked at Alexia, she was standing a foot away from me, pure anguish and concern on her face.

“I’m fine, leave me alone, I know you all have celebrations to get back to, so please, go.”

I took a step on my injured foot, a big mistake that had me groaning in pain and Alexia’s arms coming up to my sides to stop me from going any further.

“Bebita, you are a part of that winning team, you deserve to be out celebrating with us, you clearly aren’t fine and we are all here to support you through that, however you need.”

You shook Alexia off of you, trying your very hardest to balance on a foot that wasn’t working,

“Vete a la mierda. Leave, get out of my house.”

You were getting annoyed and aggressive fast and quickly, something that your teammates seemed to pick up on.

“Leahhas called me, probably a 100 times, she’s worried sick about you, you can’t push everybody out forever, just because you are injured does not make you unlovable.”

Alexia’s words echoed against the walls of my house, her voice having risen to meet mine.

“Get out of my house, right now, before I call the police.”

Alexia exhaled deeply, she shooed the rest of the women that had piled themselves into my house out, leaving just you and her. You leant back against your kitchen bench, needing the assistance to keep you on your two feet, the pressure on your ankle becoming too much for you to be able to handle.

“You need help, I don’t care whether or not you know it but you do, we found you passed out on your kitchen floor and if that isn’t a big enough indicator then I don’t know what is. You can push us all out till the cows come home but it’s not achieving anything. You're going to let me take you up the stairs and back to bed, I’ll set you up with your meds and ice packs, I don’t care how much you hate it but I am going to be here for you whether or not you want me to be here.”

You glared at Alexia, your jaw set as a stone as the older women that had quickly become your adoptive older sister at Barca looked at you pointedly. There was no room for argument in her voice, like a drill sergeant.

Alexia walked towards you, taking you in her arms and letting your silent tears drip onto her shirt as she lifted you up, removing the pressure from your foot and carrying you up your stairs and to your bedroom. You cried silently into her, annoyed by the loss of your dignity so openly in front of your teammates. She helped to tuck you into your bed, elevating your ankle onto a pillow and very gently easing it out of the boot it was strapped into. The doctor’s had wrapped it up in bandages to keep it secure, so you were able to remove it from the boot to ice it. Alexia pressed an ice pack to your ankle, before procuring your meds and a drink bottle out of nowhere and leaving them on your bedside.

“Anything else you need?”

You glared straight out at the wall in front of you, lying back in your bed and refusing to look at Alexia.

“Leave.”

Alexia tried her hardest over the next week to get you to let her in. You pushed her out. You refused to leave bed besides going to the bathroom, which was not just detrimental to your physical health but also your mental health. You weren’t on your phone at all, refused to even look at it because you didn’t want to see any of the pity that was being thrown your way. Alexia tried her hardest, she came into your room at 7am every morning, prepped with breakfast that you never ate and your meds that were the only thing keeping you pain free at the moment. She tried her hardest to get you out of bed to go to your recovery appointments, but you refused to leave. Alexia was at her wits end. You needed surgery but a part of your surgery prep was that you needed to do some kind of recovery, that you needed to be strong enough to withstand that kind of toll on your body. You were depressed, something that was detrimental to your wellbeing going into surgery, if you asked the Catalan, you needed a kick up the ass, but nothing was working. Eventually, after day seven, you’d become mobile enough that she didn’t have any excuse to stay in your house anymore, you’d been very vocal about that so she’d left, apprehensively, unsure about what more she could do for you.

“Alexia, I’ve told you to fuck off.”

The sound of somebody's shoes scuffing against your doormat downstairs and your front door closing behind you was enough to make you unhappy. After seven gruelling days you’d finally gotten rid of Alexia, but now she was back and it was making you stir crazy. You could just make out the sound of her bare feet trudging up the stairs, nearing your bedroom door and opening it up.

“Leave me alone.”

You buried your head further into your pillows, pillows that were now beginning to smell a little bit too much like your. You pulled your head as physically close to the pillows as you could, twisting your body as far as you could without dislodging your ankle from its spot elevated on your bed.

“I’m not Alexia, if that helps?”

Your head shot out of your pillow and for a split second you wondered if the oxy delirium was getting to you. Alexia had been weaning you off the hard drugs, giving you less each day and replacing it with ibuprofen, which had the reverse effect on you, making you more delusional than you had been on the full strength drugs, you had more energy now though then you had a few days ago, so you could have just blamed it on you being more awake and present.

“Leah?”

You’d been avoiding your phone for a number of reasons, but number one on the list had been your girlfriend. For some reason, she was always the last person you wanted to talk to when you got injured, it made you feel guilty, ungrateful, especially considering she’d just missed out on playing you in the final this year.

“Hey baby girl.”

She looked exhausted, like she’d just gotten off a plane and it made you feel bad. Leah had spent a lot of time in your home in Barcelona, international breaks, time off, injury time, every time was enjoyable, but this time felt different.

“W-What are you doing here?”

Leah made her way further into your room, walking over to your shades and opening them a little bit, allowing more light then the very little amount that was peaking through the bottom of your shades.

“Alexia called, she said that you were in bad shape, that you needed someone and that someone had to be me. So I got on the first flight I could. She said that what you’d done was serious, full ankle ligament tears, all four of them and that you were struggling, so I got here as soon as I could.”

You let your bottom lip worry in between your teeth, as you watched Leah make her way around your room, picking up the loose articles of clothing that were on your floor, memories of Alexia fighting with you to get changed ran through your mind, a daily battle that always ended with you crying and screaming at her. Leah flung it all into your laundry basket, a little task that she always gave herself, always scared that one of us would trip and fall on a piece of clothing in the middle of the night, that fear now having escalated with crutches being brought into the picture.

“I’m fine, I would have called if I needed you, you're supposed to be with the team, they need you now more than I do.”

Leah turned back around to you, shedding her hoodie and slinging it into the laundry basket before addressing your sentence.

“Would you have? Because you didn’t and you seemed to be struggling pretty hard, Alexia called me, balling her eyes out because she was so scared that you were going to never leave bed. The girls need me, but you need me more right now, whether you know it or not, so I’m here, whatever you need, I’m here, for as long as you need.”

Leah sat herself down on the opposite edge of my bed, the one that was cold and empty. You looked at her anxiously, trying to decide whether or not you could fall into her right now, if she would catch you.

“I’m fine.”

Your tone betrayed anything you said, your voice wavering and shivering like a leaf in the wind.

“It’s okay if you aren’t, you know that I’m here for you no matter what.”

Leah’s hand came down to rest on your bicep, squeezing your arm gently.

“Leah, I told you, I’m fine, I’m good, I don’t need a doting girlfriend here trying to tell me that I’m fucking lovable, I don’t need you.”

You sniffled softly as you tried your very hardest to continue to block Leah out, a task that was proving to be a little bit harder than you’d thought. You loved the woman, with every single part of your body and soul, she was your home. But right now, everything felt so.. Wrong. You didn’t feel like yourself, you didn’t feel like the woman that Leah loved, you felt so fucking worthless.

“I don’t believe you honey.”

Leah’s voice was insecure, this wasn’t her girlfriend, this wasn’t the sweet, loving, kind woman that she loved so much. Everything about you was different, she knew all too well how injury could change a person, but never had she expected it to look like this for you.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you believe, get out, leave me alone, I don’t want or need you.”

Your anger rose, fat, angry, hot tears leaking down your face as you pushed Leah away from you, removing her hands from your body, trying your hardest to get away from her.

Leah recoiled immediately, jumping up from the bed, while she knew you needed her she didn’t want to push you, she knew that injury’s not only broke your body, but your mind and she wasn’t ready to do that to you, not when she wasn’t sure how mentally out of it you were.

“Baby, I know that you are in pain, I know you are struggling, let me be here for you, don’t push me away because you feel like you have to.”

Leah’s words ricocheted off of your brain, not even managing to pierce a little bit of your brain. You were suffering, and there was something so poetic about suffering, something so lonely. It felt like you were drowning in a sea of nothingness, but you were too proud to try and tread water, you just let the pool of nothingness swallow you whole.

“Leah get the fuck out of my house, leave me alone. I don’t need or want you, I don’t love you, just leave, get out.”

Your voice was no longer quiet and sad, it was completely absorbed with pure anger and it hurt Leah’s heart. You’d been there every single step of the way for her when she’d done her ACL, you’d done the hard nights and days, you’d seen her at her very lowest and you’d stayed. She wanted to stay, but she knew that she couldn’t force you to rely on her, she couldn’t force you to realise that you needed your family most right now and that killed her, it hurt every single bone in her body, like she’d jumped off of a parking garage and shattered herself into pieces.

“Okay, okay, I’ll go. I’m going to go and stay at Lucy and Keira’s for a few days, if you need me I’m here.”

You shook your head at her, pointing towards the door. It was only now that you noticed Leah had her own tears brimming up in the back of her eyes.

“We’re done Leah, get the fuck out of my house and life, I don’t want to see you.”

When the words left your mouth you instantly regretted them, it was funny what anger and annoyance could do to a person. Leah’s face dropped immediately, and the tears that had been brimming up suddenly fell, silent little tears trickling down her face as she walked towards your doorway. You were the love of her life, and yet here you were pushing her completely out. It killed her, she felt like she was being gutted from the inside out and she knew that it was because you were hurt. Hurt people, hurt people. You were hurting so much, and the one person who was your last hope you were forcing out, it hurt her soul.

“I’m going to Lucy and Keira’s, if you need anything call me, or them, or Ale, we all are here for you.”

Leah’s voice broke as the words left her mouth, a muffled sob leaving her mouth as she made it to the doorway of your bedroom.

“I love you y/n.”

You let the words become empty space in the room, empty words, empty space, empty life. That was how you felt, like everything to do with you was just empty.

You’d lost faith in the world, in your world. If you asked Alexia that was the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, losing faith in yourself. When it got to three days without any correspondence from you she broke. She wasn’t going to let you kill yourself. She’d heard from Lucy that your interaction with Leah had been not great and it hurt her heart knowing that the woman who had saved you in the first place was now the person that you were pushing out.

She barged into your house, noticing how your kitchen was the same level of cleanliness it had been when she’d left a few days ago, leading her to believe that you hadn’t cooked at all. Your house was like a ghost town, eerily silent to a concerning level. She made her way through the house, tiptoeing up the stairs and into your bedroom. The door was hanging open, an invitation to Alexia, and she was a little bit taken aback to find your bed completely empty. Then the worry set in, because if you weren’t in bed or downstairs then where were you?

Alexia navigated through your bedroom and then into your ensuite, where she sighed in relief when she found you passed out on the bathroom floor. You looked like you’d been there for a while, and the consuming fear absorbed Alexia as she took in your body. You’d lost so much weight in the time since you’d be injured and you looked so much smaller then she’d ever seen you, like a little kid. Alexia felt so consumingly guilty for ever having left you, for letting you push her out and made the decision that even if you would hate her for it, she was going to force you to sort your shit out, and that started with getting you out of your house and moving in with her.

It took a lot to get you awake, and even more for Alexia to pack you a bag and then get you downstairs and into her car. You were weak though, and still fairly immobile, something that Alexia used as an advantage, hauling you over her shoulder and down into her car.

The first few days were nothing short of hell, but Alexia refused to give into you. You were force fed three meals a day, she dragged you out of her house with the assistance of Mapi everyday to go and do your recovery and she cracked down on your meds, rehab and alcohol consumption. You felt like a child, a six year old who had absolutely zero say in what was happening in her life.

After two weeks of Alexia’s crackdown the physical therapists at Barca made the decision that you were ready for surgery and your date was set for three weeks later. You had three weeks to sort out your shit, and Alexia made that clear to you.

She forced you into therapy, two sessions a week with the Barca therapist and you hated it, hated every single minute of it. Or you pretended to hate it, for the first two sessions. But the psychiatrist, as much as you hated to admit it, knew what she was talking about and during your third session you had a massive breakthrough, admitting that you had been struggling. She prescribed you anti-anxiety meds and some antidepressants and the result was almost immediate. Alexia watched the smile that had been absent from your face for the last month, return. No longer did you fight her everyday when she woke you up, you were even organising meet ups with teammates and that was the real breakthrough.

You knew that you’d hurt people, people including yourself and that to repair that you needed to get better, to prove yourself and the people around you that you could do better.

Alexia was there for you every single step of the way, and slowly you worked as hard as you could to rebuild the bond between you and your sister.

You talked about Leah with your therapist, for the first time since it all happened. You knew that you should reach out to her, should apologise, at least let her know you were doing better. But the part of you that had hurt her and yourself was terrified that the woman had moved on, that she was over you, that she didn’t trust you anymore.

So you kept your radio silence. Alexia had practically confiscated your phone, social media was the absolute worst thing for your mental health so you’d removed yourself from it. You were building a life where you were no longer reliant on the opinions or thoughts of the people around you, what mattered most was your feelings.

So you stayed isolated, relied upon yourself and Alexia and the people who truly loved and supported you. It was great, it was everything you’d ever needed and a part of you had become grateful for you injury, grateful that something had happened to make you realise that before your injury you were miserable, clinging to the opinions of the outside world to make you feel whole.

It wasn;t until the night before your surgery that Alexia got sick of you refusing to mend the one part of your heart that you needed to. In the three weeks you’d ticked off every other box, celebrated the team's win like you should have, made amendments with your teammates and coaches, worked tirelessly at your strengthening, got out of Alexia’s house and taken Narla for a walk. You were slowly working on mending your spirit, and a part of that was confronting the part of your heart that still yearned for Leah. Whether you wanted to deny it or not, Alexia knew that everyday without her was an internal struggle for you, that until you actually dealt with the situation you were never going to fully be yourself. She’d broached the subject a series of times, and every single time she was met with a brick wall, Leah was everything and nothing to you. She was the reason you woke up but also the reason you hated getting out of bed. She was your meaning to life and also the meaning to ending your life. Everything began and ended with that woman and Alexia knew it. She’d known since you’d brought Leah home for the first time when you were both only twenty two, so young, so stupid, so in love. She’d known from that night that the two of you were meant to be. That wasn’t to say that you hadn’t both had your struggles, you were both stubborn, headstrong, could never be wrong and incredibly independent, to a fault. But she’d just known that the two of you would make it, that even through thick and thin it was meant to be.

She was still certain of that. Even though she knew there was a chance you’d hate her for it, she called Leah the morning before your surgery, even if the woman couldn’t be there she should at least know that her person was having life altering surgery. Leah had been gutted, whether she had admitted it or not Alexia could just tell by the stutter that left her mouth as Alexia explained the events of what was happening to you the following day. Leah was torn to shreds. She’d spent every single day for the last month kicking herself, sitting by the phone, waiting for any kind of text or call from you and it had killed her, every single person around her had seen just how much the blonde had been affected by your absence. She’d tried getting over you, tried to remove the painful tumour that you had become to her body, but it was impossible, from the matching tattoos you both had, to the memories that were all over her house, you were a part of her life and she could never get away from it.

So when Ale had called her she’d picked up immediately, and sat gobsmacked as Alexia had explained the delicacy that was your emotional and physical status. If Leah was sane she probably would have just nodded along, wishing you a quick recovery, but Leah wasn’t. Instead, she found the first flight to Barcelona and packed together a bag before rushing to the airport, with absolutely zero idea of what she was doing.

When she touched down in Barcelona it was mid afternoon and Mapi and Ingrid were waiting at the terminal for her. Leah was flustered, tired and stressed, something Mapi could tell as soon as she saw her. She didn’t ask any questions, didn’t try and mention anything about you to her, just shepherded Leah straight out of the airport and into the car that was waiting for them.

Leah fidgeted the whole ride to Alexia’s, her fingers toying furiously with the rings around her fingers as she bit down on the inside of her cheek. Sometimes Leah thought that she didn’t think things through enough, this was exhibit A for that. Sometimes she hated it, sometimes she loved it. Even though parts of her were screaming to her that this was a bad idea, she just felt a part of her chest being tugged back towards you. That was how she’d fallen in love with you, following you around a world cup because it just felt right, you just felt right. She wasn’t ready to give that up yet, because you were just right for her, you were her forever, or you had been.

And she knew that she couldn’t force you to love her, she couldn’t even try if she wanted. But a part of her just felt so wrong about letting you go all those weeks ago, by walking out the door and not putting up a fight, like you deserved. You deserved to feel loved, and she’d left you, when you were at your very lowest point and nothing about that had sat right with her.

When the car pulled up to Alexia’s familiar house Leah felt a part of her stomach sink. What if you hated her? What if you never wanted to see her again? There were so many possibilities, so many options and variations of what could occur and it made Leah terrified, more terrified then she’d ever been in her entire life.

Mapi pushed her out of the car, Ingrid leading her towards the door of the threshold and swinging it open, forcing Leah into Alexia’s abode. It was the same as every other time she’d been in the Catalan’s house but this time felt so different, the context of the situation making it so much more gloomy and harder to face. Alexia was waiting for her, pacing back and forth in the kitchen and never in her life had Leah been more terrified of the older woman. She’d been fairly scared when she’d met her for the first time, even more scared when she’d been introduced as your girlfriend, but this topped the scale of horror. Leah felt as if she was walking into the bear's cave, a fate that she was not ready to face and wasn’t sure if she ever would be.

“She’s in her bedroom, she’s had a big day, there’s been a small change in her surgery plan and she’s stressing about it. She doesn’t know that you are here, and there’s a good chance she's not going to be happy you are here, just wait her out for me? She’s been working hard to fix everything with everybody, and you're the only person left on the list, she’s been working with a therapist, she’s trying her goddamn hardest and we’re all proud of her. She needs structure, tough love, that’s what we’ve been giving her and it's what works. There’s a chance she’s not going to want to talk to you at all, if that happens then we’ll try again some other time, but she needs you, I need you around, she’s not herself with you.”

Leah was taken aback by Alexia’s word vomit, nodding wordlessly at the older woman as she placed her luggage down on the floor. Leah felt so out of place, she’d been in Alexia’s house hundreds of times, for an array of reasons, but this whole situation made it all so different.

“I love her Ale, your sister is a hard person to love but I love her, and I genuinely believe love is the most powerful thing in the world and if it can’t get us through then I don’t know what will.”

Alexia stopped her pacing, to look at Leah.

At the beginning of your relationship she’d been disapproving, she knew that you were made for each other but that didn’t waiver the red flags that she’d seen with Leah. To her, Leah had been a playgirl, a surface person who wasn’t necessarily in it for the connection. Alexia wasn’t wrong very often, but that day she had been.

“Leah, I can’t even explain how glad I am you came. She makes it hard sometimes, sometimes I wonder why I stick around. But you and I both know just how far she’s worked her way into our chests. Head on through, she should be awake.”

Leah let Alexia wrap her arms around her, in a big warm hug. It was perfect, everything that Leah had been craving for the last month. She found herself leaning a little bit too much into Alexia’s embrace, when she realised she jumped out of Alexia’s arms like a scared cat.

“Go on kid, go get your girl.”

Leah focused on putting on foot in front of the other, as her feet scuffed against the wood floors, slowly inching towards the door that felt like it held so much behind it. When Leah finally did arrive at the barrier she raised her fist anxiously, rapping on the door three times before lowering her hand back to her side.

“It’s open Ale.”

Leah reached for the door knob, fuck it. She twisted the metal knob in her hand and pushed the door open slowly. She’d stayed the night in Ale’s spare room a series of times, but she could tell as soon as she got her first glimpse of the room that it was far more lived in when she had inhabited it in the past. Her eyes scanned the room as more was revealed, with every centimetre of door she pushed further away from herself. She was rewarded the most when she got a view of the bed, giving Leah her first glance at you.

Your whole face dropped almost immediately, with the complete shock of being face to face with a woman who you’d never expected to see again, let alone in your bedroom.

“Hey angel.”

Leah’s voice was so soft, so perfect, so gentle and it made you feel so wrong, like Leah was giving you something that you didn’t deserve. She had become a mere figment of your imagination, and even though it felt so wrong you couldn’t let her slip away this time, not without getting to hug your ex-girlfriend one last time. So you jumped off of the bed, as well as you could with the moon boot still clinging to your lower leg, catapulting yourself directly into Leah’s arms, a flurry of ‘sorrys’ falling from your lips as you pulled Leah directly into you.

The English woman was shocked, Ale’s talk having led her to believe that you were angry at her or with her, but you seemed far from it and it made Leah’s guts twist.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for hon.”

Leah’s words again came out so indescribably soft, like a piece of satin against your skin. You pushed yourself out of Alexia’s arms, sitting yourself back down on your bed and looking up at her.

“Yes I do, and I’d like to apologise properly to you. You didn’t deserve the way I treated you, all you’ve ever been to me is supportive and I pushed you away, because I was scared. Everyday for the past month I’ve regretted it, and I will spend the rest of my life regretting it. I understand if you’ve moved on, but if you’ll take me back then I will spend every single day of our lives together proving to you that I am worthy of your love.”

Leah sat herself down beside you on the bed, her hands coming to rest on top of your own.

“I’d like to apologise as well, I ran away, when it got hard when I should have stayed. I’m sorry I left, especially when you needed me most. How about we make the decision to just work from it. I love you y/n, more than anything else in the entire world and I know that we can make it through this. From now on, I am going to be here everyday, thick and thin, the good and the bad, the hard and the easy. I’ll be there every step of the way through your recovery, if you’ll have me.”

You both looked at each other, really looked at each other, for what felt like the first time in years. Just iris to iris, blue to green.

“I love you Lee.”

Leah just smiled at you, opening her arms up and relaxing as you climbed into her arms, your body intertwining with hers so familiarly.

“I’m so scared Lee, what if I never play like I used to, what if I never play at all?”

It was an admission that you’d been terrified of vocalising, but with Leah you couldn’t hide, you’d never been able to.

“Then we’ll figure it out together, side by side. I know one thing and that is that you are going to work your fucking ass off and if that isn’t enough then maybe it isn’t supposed to be, maybe there is another calling for you somewhere. You are going to be fine, this surgery is what you need and I’ll be there when they put you to sleep and when you wake up, I am here every step of the way for you.”

She was right, so incredibly right and that made you feel that little bit safer.

“Your my girl, my y/n, my lover girl, you’ve got this.”

For the first time in weeks you felt like maybe she was right, maybe you were going to be fine, maybe you did have this and even if you didn’t you knew Leah would be there to pick up the pieces, to glue you back together again when it all became too much.

[samkerrworshipper]

makes me happy that alexia is probably in barca rn looking after mapis broken post surgery ass rip