#since i am less ass now at the game i can handle it better. ill play it. i dont love it but ill take it over a Bad stage

[beatcroc]

here are MY opinions on ringracers courses. left side is from when i was more fresh and had only played each track a handful of times through GP and time trials, right side is now with like 200 hours online and a much better understanding of the game's mechanics.

[gascon-en-exil]

I suppose you can call me "villain Dimitri anon" now, but I actively dislike Azure Moon for the narrative perks that you and other fans insist it has, but I can't see. What back and forth does Dimitri have with his retainers that aren't confined to supports? There's just Gilbert, Rodrigue, and Byleth ignoring the one-eyed elephant in the room.(1/2)

What support network does Dimitri have? A bunch of badly abused subjects at the end of their rope who don't have the guts to abandon him or give him a wake up call. Dimitri's redemption in the rain makes zero sense as the scene progresses, and outside of some lip service in a support, he's so cured of any trauma that not even getting the truth about Duscur fazes him. What's worse, this redemption is the main idea of the route. (2/3 now)

The back and forth is in reference to how the army in AM feels directionless and disagrees on whether they should liberate the Kingdom or rescue Rhea first. This gets references both in story cutscenes and in the exploration of dialogue of numerous characters, heavily reinforced by many of these same characters remarking on how off-putting Dimitri’s behavior is. This stands in contrast to CF never questioning Edelgard’s actions even as they’re far more systemically terrible with the work of Hubert and the Agarthans behind the scenes; even VW offers a number of scenes and exploration content of characters questioning and critiquing Claude’s actions. Felix’s mini-arc outside his support line with Dimitri is the clearest example, because he’s the loudest voice of opposition and because if you trigger their supports some of the dialogue changes to reflect that, while Rodrigue plays a predictable but workable role as the doomed mentor figure whose death forces Dimitri to confront how his obsession with revenge is hurting the people he loves.  This is all unfortunately somewhat undermined by Byleth’s presence and the need for self-insert romance, with them supplanting Dimitri’s established support network and worst of all leading to Dedue being killed off by default and then never re-integrated properly into the story lest his intimacy with Dimitri pose an obstacle to the expected lord/Avatar romance (that can’t even be pushed in the same way that Edeleth can in all routes, incidentally, because Dimitri can’t S rank m!Byleth). This is a genuine problem in AM, but curiously it’s one that I see brought up almost exclusively by fans of Dimitri and his route rather than those who hate AM and/or rail against Dimidue as an allegedly racist pairing.

None of the other Blue Lions gets a single meaningful word in in the main story cutscenes. You can get some character development for Ingrid, Sylvain, and Felix in monastery dialogue and DImitri's supports and that's it. Not to mention, gameplay-wise, dealing with Dimitri is just no fun, and there's no choice to get fed up and leave. With all of Crimson Flower's problems, at least you had to actively choose to go on that route. (3/4 now)

I wouldn’t say that’s all that different from how the other routes handle their chorus of minor characters, especially CF which again minimizes any sort of friction the Eagles might have with Edelgard even when she’s outright lying to them. There’s a reason that SS is sometimes cited as a better characterization showcase for the Eagles other than Edelgard and Hubert, particularly for Ferdinand who actually gets to be the contrarian #3 on that route. Gameplay is more subjective, although I’d rank being unable to instruct Dimitri or have him engage in monastery activities for four calendar months is more than offset by CF being exactly that many months shorter than AM or VW. Also, in terms of building characters Gilbert is far, far less of a pain in the ass than Jeritza, and I say that as someone who’s painstakingly gotten every character in the game to all ranks at S+ and all classes mastered over many NG+ runs. Having to pick CF is also an inconvenience that screws with the flow of Chapter 11 since you need to waste a battle weekend going to Edelgard’s coronation lest you miss out on instruction weeks or later weekends doing it at the start of the month. It’s kind of a moot point to argue about this anyway as the Deer have it the best when it comes to unit development, with neither of these restrictions as well as the longest route and no Part 2 exclusive to worry over.

Crimson Flower had a "big picture" war story, Verdant Wind had good character balance and exposed the truth about the player character. Azure Moon was just all DImitri. Not to mention, my own political philosophy and real-world history interests make me biased against Dimiri and his stance. (And no, I'm no fan of dictators, just not of a fan of Fearghus-style feudalism) (4/5)

I do like redemption stories. But I've seen them done better elsewhere. Dimitri's character is interesting, but his route isn't. All routes on Three Houses have problems that I nitpick about, but as thing stand, I can support Claude and Edelgard in achieving their ideals, i cannot in good conscience support Dimitri as king. Nurse him back to sanity, maybe, but put him in charge of other people's lives? No. (end)

Eh, SS is the route you’re looking for if you want the full story of Byleth’s origins and their connection to Rhea; VW’s endgame exposition dump is more about the true origin of Crests and Relics and general worldbuilding which is why I’d call it the big picture route over CF which kicks one of its major antagonists to an offscreen postgame. I also question why you single out the quasi-feudalism of Faerghus when that’s the established standard for all of FE and for most of the fantasy genre overall. Fire Emblem is notoriously reactionary when it comes to its politics, such that Dimitri’s solo ending suggesting the beginning of a participatory government might be the single most concrete move toward democracy of any lord in the series. Even as tiny a step as that is it’s more than can be said for Edelgard not delivering on her rhetoric of abolishing the nobility and...whatever she plans for the church (since she vacillates on whether she’s fine with the Seiros faith but only takes issue with the church or whether she thinks humanity has no need for gods, and the only CF ending that re-establishes the church has it run by the state which is some prime dystopian stuff). Claude similarly suffers in that his plans remain ongoing at the end of VW and lack any concrete shape beyond opening the borders and forcing people of different nations and cultures to interact and get along - a well-intended idea, but not one that will lead to serious change without a lot of work and oversight. 

Dimitri lacks such grandiose ambitions, and once he’s moved beyond his need for revenge his goals center around alleviating the suffering of the Kingdom and of his loved ones, but on a meta level that’s kind of all he needs to do. One of the reasons that AM’s story structure is more coherent and well-paced than that of the other routes is that it’s extremely well-trod ground for IS: “blue lord takes back invaded homeland from red emperor with the Power of Friendship” is the standard FE plot going back all the way to Marth, and Dimitri’s biggest deviation from that model is the somewhat realistic depiction of his struggles with mental illness. That’s probably why many longtime veterans of the series favor AM, because we know it’s the type of narrative IS excels at and we’re not expecting anything more politically revolutionary. Hell, the proto-democratic ending was as unexpected to me as Dimitri’s strong queer notes...which is why I prefer him over the other two incidentally, not because of his politics which are just fantasy boilerplate of a good king being restored to his throne, and there was much rejoicing, etc. There are gender-based readings of AM that I and others have made, not to mention people who enjoy the homoromantic push and pull of Dedue and Felix on Dimitri and how those relationships develop against one another, and I think it’s telling that those unconventional analyses of Three Houses’s most typical lord and most typical route are still more plausible than all the additional motivation and setup you’d have to throw in to make Dimitri a proper villain, or even just an antagonist for the length of more than one chapter.

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 16

TITLE: Love and War

Warnings: profanity, mental illness

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @alievans007, @tragiclyhip, @miss-smutty​

“You know, I’m really fucking sick of your cheating,” Tyler snarls.

“I am NOT cheating! “ Esme cries, and refuses to make eye contact with the man sitting beside her; aware of the temper that’s slowly boiling. He’s agitated; eyes narrowed, shoulders tense, jaw tightly clenched. She’s seen and heard it all before; the bitterness and the irritation and the rash jump to conclusions. “You’re imagining things!”

“Bullshit I’m imagining it. I have eyes you know. I CAN see. And what I’m seeing? You’re cheating.”

“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but there’s no cheating happening. You’re just pissed.”

“Damn right I’m pissed. I know what you’re up to. I can’t fucking believe you think you can get away with it. I know YOU. I know when something’s up. And something is up.”

She rolls her eyes. “The only thing that is ‘up’ is your temper. Take it down a notch, Australian. Or I’ll take YOU down a notch.”

“I’d love to see you try,” he scoffs. “What other tricks do you have up your sleeve? What other shady shit are you going to pull?”

“There you go with your paranoia again. There’s nothing going on. No shady shit. Can’t you just accept that you’re losing?”

“I’m losing my mind is what I’m losing.”

A derisive snort. “Not much left to lose.”

He scowls. “I have had just about enough of your lip.”

“What are you going to do? Stab me? Shoot me? Throw a grenade at me?”

“I’m going to beat your ass is what I’m going to do. Go all fucking HAM on you.”

“You’re going to start now? Have you been napping for the last hour?”

“Is that a shot at my age? I’m pretty sure that was a shot at my age.”

“It was a shot at your poor skills and your lapses of judgement. You’re slowing down. No wonder you’re suffering so badly.”

“I’m going to make you suffer in a second.”

“Bring it. There’s nothing you got that I can’t handle.”

It’s been sixty minutes of this. The snarling and the scowling and bickering back and forth; nasty exchanges fuelled by his hurt feelings and damaged ego and her refusal to back down or admit any wrongdoing. It’s a battle of both wills and personalities; two strong and resilient yet extremely stubborn people, neither giving the other an ounce of sympathy or allowing any breathing room. And it comes to a head; a growled ‘fuck!’ on his behalf followed by the xBox controller being tossed onto the cluttered coffee table in pure frustration. Letting loose a groan of both defeat and annoyance, he leans back against the couch and rakes both hands through his hair and then runs his palms over his face.

“Cry some more!” Esme shouts, and gleefully bounces up and down on the cushion beside him. “Unleash your inner bitch baby! Because you just got knocked the fuck out. AGAIN.”

“I really, really, REALLY do not like you right now.”

“It’s not my fault you can’t handle defeat." She reaches for the open bag of red licorice that sits on the arm of the sofa; yanking a strand out and pointing it at him before taking an aggressive bite from it. “That you’re way too competitive even with the stupidest of shit.”

“This!” He wildly gestures towards the flat screen television across the room. “Is NOT stupid shit!”

“It’s a goddamn video game, Tyler. Stop taking this so seriously.”

“It isn’t just a video game,” he argues. “It’s my fucking pride! My manhood!”

“I highly doubt your manhood is in any danger because your wife beats you at Call of Duty. You need to simmer down, son. I can’t help it that I’m THAT good.”

“Is this what you do all day back home? When I’m not around? You hone your video game skills?”

“No. I just happen to have the magic touch. I can’t help it that I’m a natural. I even beat TJ AND Millie and you know how good those two are.”

He places his hands behind his head and laces his fingers together. Sighing heavily and then turning his gaze towards the ceiling. “They’re amateurs compared to me.”

“Well you’re the one who has been looking like the amateur, so…”

He shoots an annoyed glare in his direction.

“Look, in real life you may be the king when it comes to this shit; shooting people and beating the shit out of them. But in video game land? I’m the fucking master. And you WILL accept defeat and bow down to me.”

“Like fuck I will.”

“You know the rules. You’re the one who wanted to play with these kinds of stakes. Now get to it. Pay your dues to the true Queen.”

Sighing heavily, he reluctantly gets to his feet, fingers pausing on his belt buckle.

“Do it,” Esme orders. “All is fair in love and war.”

“You know, this isn’t over yet. Even without these on, I won’t be totally naked. Which means you haven’t won a damn thing.”

“I’ve won five out of seven games. You have way less clothes on than me. Now suck it up and take them off.”

“Fine,” he huffs, and angrily yanks the leather from its clasp and rips the belt from the loops on his jeans; glaring at her as he tosses the item aside. “Happy?”

“Pants too.”

“Pants and belts are two separate things. I only need to take one off.”

“Pants and belts go together. They count as ONE item.”

He frowns. “Says who?”

“Says the rules.”

“Whose rules?”

“Listen, I don’t make them, I just enforce them. A belt isn’t a piece of clothing. It’s an accessory. So it is counted WITH the pants. Stop being such a baby and play by the rules!”

“Your imaginary rules you mean. I didn’t make you take your underwear off when you lost YOUR pants. Aren’t those an accessory? Shouldn't they have come off too?”

“Underwear can be worn alone.”

“You can’t go out with just underwear on, Me. Give me a break.”

“You can walk around the house in just underwear. But you don’t walk around in just a belt now, do you? Stop whining, suck it up, and drop your drawers.”

“You’re a pain in my ass,” he grumbles, and finally relents; popping open the button and reaching for the zipper.

“Yeah baby!” she hollers, and scrambles up onto her knees; whistling noisily and once more excitedly bouncing up and down. “That’s what I’m talking about! Take ‘em off! Let me see that sexy ass of yours! This is way better than any peeler bar!!”

“If you’re going to objectify me, shouldn’t you be tucking money into my underwear?”

“You don’t wear any. Where am I supposed to tuck it? In your ass crack? Does it work like a debit machine? I just slide my card in? Is that how it works? I have to slip something up your butt?”

“You come anywhere near my ass with the intention of slipping something into it…”

“Like you’ve never enjoyed a little ass play. Don’t act so innocent. You damn well know you don’t mind a finger up there every now and then. Don’t act like you’ve never allowed it to happen.”

“I was drunk.”

“Each time? Something like a dozen? You were drunk EACH time? Listen, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having that kind of kink. It’s only when I’m going down on you and you’ve been extra….well...EXTRA.”

“Enough! Why do we have to talk about it? Isn’t it enough to just to do it?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Does it make you uncomfortable? Discussing butt stuff? Well now you know how it feels. Not literally, because your dick is way bigger than my finger. So you DON’T know how it feels. Now shut up and do what I say. Drop your pants!”

Sighing, he slides the zipper all the way down and allows the denim to slide off his hips and ass; letting it pool at his ankles before kicking them off.

“Wait a second…” her eyes narrow and she points the remains of her licorice strip in his direction. “What the fuck are those?”

A grin plays at the corners of his mouth. “What’s what?”

“Those.” She gestures at the extra layer of clothing. “What the hell, Tyler James…”

“It’s a pair of those UnderArmour things you bought me. You said I should start wearing them. That they’ve been sitting in the drawer since we bought this place. I’m finally wearing them.”

“You’re supposed to wear them outside! To keep you warm! You don’t wear them in the house!”

“Says who? I can wear them where the fuck I want.”

“You…” she snarls, and glares at him. “...you did this intentionally. As soon as you declared this strip Call of Duty, you went upstairs and put those on. You weren’t wearing them earlier. I KNOW what you wore out. And I saw you take those clothes off when we got home from picking up the food and you were NOT wearing those underneath. You sneaky bastard.”

“Don’t hate the player,” he says, and drops down onto the couch and reaches for the controller. “Hate the game.”

“You absolute dick. I can’t believe you did that. Now THAT’S cheating.”

“It’s not cheating. It was purely a strategic move. And you call me an amateur.”

“You went calculating mercenary on me. You pulled out THAT card. You shit!”

“You may be kicking my ass at the game, but I outsmarted you. I’ve always been able to. Haven’t you realized that by now?”

“Oh, it’s on,” she declares, and snatches up her own controller and plops down beside him. Scowling and moving away when he attempts to slide closer to her. “Don’t even think about it. We’re enemies right now. Mortal enemies. Your treachery will not go unpunished.”

“And you say I’M taking this too seriously?”

“You totally upped the ante. You crossed a line, mister. Accusing me of cheating and all along it was you that was up to no good. I see how it is.”

“Does it make it any better if I tell you that I love you?”

“Save your ass kissing. Because when I win, I’m going to make you get on your knees and pucker up. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

“I’m not scared of you. Much.”

“Be afraid. Be very afraid. I will destroy you.”

Grinning, he reaches over and presses the start button on her controller. “Bring it, short stuff.”

*****

She emerges victorious. Easily handing him a crushing defeat that leaves her still clad in an oversized plain shirt and wool socks and him relegated to stripping off the last layer of clothing. And his smirk is one of both annoyance and amusement as he watches her, standing on the couch with a foot on either side of his thighs and partaking in her victory celebration; a mixture of wildly tossing her hair -or what’s left of it -around and suggestively bumping and grinding her hips while repeatedly chanting: “I did it, I did! I beat you, I did!”. She’s had a little too much to drink; enjoying nearly three quarters of a bottle of wine and then indulging in two hot chocolates infused with Kahlua. And between her somewhat inebriated state causing poor coordination and her penchant for being clumsy on even her best and most sober of days, he keeps a firm, protective hold on the back of her calves. The last thing he needs is a trip to the ER and an awkward explanation of just how she fell and busted her head open. In Telluride she’d once slipped on loose stone in the driveway and went down hard; catching the back of her head on one of the truck’s running boards and creating a hell of a gash in her scalp. And for someone that had spent years in the military and on the job and who’d inflicted gnarly injuries and gruesome deaths on others, he’d been the one close to panicking; convinced he’d seen he’d never seen so much blood in his entire life and nearly hyperventilating at the mere thought of her being hurt. She’d been the calm one; trying to talk him down on the way to the hospital while he drove with one hand on the wheel and the other holding a blood soaked towel to the back of her head.

But it had been what had happened once he’d gotten her help that caused the most trauma. For both of them. The nurse in charge of administering the first line of care had taken one look at the sheer size of him and the amount of scars and tattoos covering the visible parts of body and had gotten her guard up. His behaviour had been the nail in the coffin. His PTSD (undiagnosed at the time) triggered by hospitals and all of the sounds and the sights and the smells that accompany them. He’d been irritable and short tempered and unable to sit still; alternating between vigorously bouncing or shaking his legs or aggressively pacing the floor. He had sent off a number of red flags, and no sooner did they make it back to an exam room, a handful of cops showed up. Explaining the nurse's worries and how their arrival at the ER and Esme’s injury was being treated as a possible ‘domestic abuse situation’. That had only made his mood even worse; being accused of the one damn thing he’d always vowed never to let happen. No matter how dark and dire a situation got, no matter how bad their problems or volatile their arguments, he’d sworn he’d never hurt her; promising to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger if he ever ‘blacked out’ and physically hurt her. To this day he’s still amazed that he never caught an assault charge. Shoving one of the officers that had attempted to escort him to a different room and grabbing the throat of the other; triggered the second they made physical contact with him.

Six hours later they’d been sent home with five stitches in her head, a prescription for pain meds and a half assed apology. The next day, Child Protective Services showed up on their doorstep; receiving the hospital report and hearing about how he’d assaulted two cops and wanting to further investigate. Nothing had ever come of it; their case file quickly closed when it became apparent that the children were well taken care of and there were absolutely no signs of abuse in the house. But it had done a lot of damage; worsening his PTSD and helping his distrust in the general public grow to epic levels.

“Are you done?” he asks now, when the celebration finally comes to an end. Her hair messy and wild, cheeks flushed from a mixture of her erratic movements and the alcohol she’d consumed, chest heaving from exertion. “Got it all out of your system? Or are you going to gloat some more?”

“Don’t be such a baby. It’s all in good fun. Everything I do and say, is done with love.”

He smirks. “Sure it is. You good? You finished? Or do I have to boot you to the couch tonight?”

“I’m good. I’m done. It’s over. I won’t gloat anymore and further hurt your delicate sensibilities.”

Smirking, he runs his hands around to the front of her calves and slides them upwards. Briefly lingering on her thighs before snagging the bottom of her shirt and yanking her downwards. She gives a startled yelp when she initially loses her balance and then begins to giggle when he easily and effortlessly gathers her into his arms; knees on either side of his hips as he pulls her tightly against him.

“I know I got a little out of hand,” he says. “Over the whole video game thing. I get a little...intense.”

“You think? Intense is putting it lightly. You’re a little competitive.”

“Yeah, just a tad.”

“And I’m sorry too. I’m sorry you’re a sore loser.”

“Excuse you,” he chuckles, and she laughs and squirms against him when his fingers dig into the sensitive areas below her rib cage. “I was trying to be nice. I was trying to apologize. In my own way.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I know what you’re like, Tyler. I know how you are. You’re insanely competitive. I’ve seen you while playing xBox with the kids. And I’ve seen you after when Millie’s kicked your ass.”

“First, she doesn’t really kick my ass. It’s a small margin of victory. Second, it doesn’t happen often.”

“You keep telling yourself that, babe. Regardless, I know you. I know how worked up and intense you get. I don’t take anything you say seriously when you’re like that. Especially when you ARE losing. It’s all in good fun. You don’t say shit to be mean. Same way I don’t. It’s just who we are. We shit talk each other. I think that’s pretty cool, actually. That we ARE like that. That we’re not just husband and wife and two people raising a family together. We’re friends too. I know you’re my BFF. No doubt about it.”

“You’re definitely mine. But let’s be realistic; how many BFF’s sit on your lap with no underwear on?”

“I lost them an hour ago. One of the three games you actually won. And speaking of which…” she glances down between them. “...technically, things aren't over yet. There’s one thing that remains. That you still have to do.”

“I admitted defeat. I watched your stupid little victory dance. I let you rub it in my face. Isn’t that enough?”

“Nope.”

“What more do you want from me? My right kidney?”

“I want you to do what you’re supposed to. The rules were made very clear at the very at the beginning. And YOU’RE the one that made them. So…”

“I thought maybe you’d go easy on me. Cut me a break. Have some sympathy.”

“You’d have zero sympathy for me and you’d totally enforce the rules. So, you have no choice in the matter.”

“Me, come on, you already hurt my pride. You want to decimate it entirely? Take pity on me.”

“Sorry. I have none to give. You know what you have to do.”

“You know, I was thinking maybe you’d do it for me. Give you that last piece of victory. Give you that feeling of power.”

“Mmm...hmmm. You know what I think? I think that you were hoping getting me down there would weaken me. That I’d do a little something for you.”

“Well I DO need comforting,” Tyler reasons. “You did beat me pretty bad.”

“I totally kicked your ass. But comfort? I don’t know…”

“Be nice to me. You already humiliated me. What more do you want?”

“Don’t turn this around. This isn’t about what I want. This is totally about what YOU want. Because you know if I give in, it puts you at your twice a day. You just can’t handle change. Even when it comes to THAT.”

“I’m a creature of habit. I need my routine. I can’t help it. You know how my OCD acts up when my routine gets fucked up.”

“I love how you just so casually play that card to get what you want. Lucky for you, I’m feeling generous tonight. And a little drunk.”

“Just a little?”

“Maybe a lot drunk. Or at the threshold between still being able to make conscious and wise decisions but not drunk enough to pass out and have you carry me upstairs. But, seeing as I’m in a generous and giving mood and you HAVE been on your best behaviour lately, maybe I could give you a little something.”

A slow grin spreads across his face. “Yeah? A little something, huh? This is where I’m going to miss the hair the most…” he uses gentle fingers to push wayward strands out of her hair; looping dark tresses behind each ear. “...when you’re getting to business. I always knew just how much effort you were going to put into it when you’d put her hair in a ponytail.”

“I thought you liked it. My hair. I thought you didn’t mind it like this.”

“I do like it. I love it. It suits you; shows off your cute, tiny little face. I’m just used to it being long, that’s all. You know, being able to grab it and shit.”

“There’s still some length to it. Enough for you to get even your humongous hands on. And as for the whole ponytail thing, I promise I’ll find another way to let you know when I mean business. When I’m all in.”

“I’m not too worried. Even when you haven’t put your hair back, you’ve never put in a bad performance. Let’s just say, it’s not just Call of Duty you’re a master at.”

“I figure I must not be too bad. I must be doing something right. I haven’t heard one complaint in twelve and half years.”

“Baby, you’re doing everything right. You will never hear a complaint from me. Ever.”

“Have you ever thought maybe I’m not actually that talented? That maybe you’re just very easy to please?”

“Me, no one has ever gotten as quick of reaction out of me as you have. Right from day one. So I don’t know what hoodoo voodoo black magic you’ve got through those veins of yours, but all those other women? None of them even come close to you.”

“Not a single one? Not even the stripper in Thailand you once told me about?”

“Not even her. I actually had to concentrate really hard to get it up. With you? You just look at me a certain way and that’s it. You’ve got some power that I can’t even come close to explaining.”

“Maybe it’s the fact it’s lust AND love?”

“That’ll do it.”

“Speaking of lust, I really do want you to see you with your pants off. I know what a tremendously beautiful sight that is. And I’m actually feeling very generous and giving right now.” She pushes her fingers through his hair; tightly gripping the longer top strands as she leans in to kiss him. Nothing soft or slow about it; lips demanding and her tongue insistently pushing against his teeth. Even after twelve and a half years, it’s rare for her to be the aggressor; preferring him to take charge and enjoying being dominated and ‘man handled’. And it took him a while to get used to letting her have even the slightest bit of control; liking his usual role of being the one fully in charge.

His hands briefly rest on her shoulders and then slide down her arms, pausing at her hips before reaching around to slip up the bottom of her shirt and grab her ass. Fingers pressing into the soft flesh; pulling her even tighter against him and bringing her bare crotch in direct contact with the beginnings of his erection. Twelve and half years later and he still wants and needs her just as much as he did that first time in Dhaka. Maybe even more so. There’s nothing mundane about it; he enjoys the changes in her form and the familiarity that comes with their love making. Their bodies know each other so well; always eagerly responding to one another and knowing exactly how to both torture and please.. And he can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else; completely content and satisfied knowing that what they have extends far beyond passion and sexual gratification.

She’s cradling his face in her palms when she slowly pulls out of the kiss, and he winces when her teeth capture his bottom lip between them; hard enough to draw tiny beads of blood. It’s her way of letting him know just what she’s in the mood for; the slight hint of aggression and the darkness in her eyes betraying the combination of primal want and need. Even after twelve and a half years she never actually verbalizes it; the self conscious side always leery about being that honest and open and fearing rejection. So he’s become a master at reading her signs; the assertive and domineering way in which she’ll kiss him, the way her hands hungrily and needily paw and grab, the darkness that appears in her eyes and the little smirk upon her lips.

That smirk is there now. Tugging at the corners of her mouth and she slides off his lap; her dark hair slipping through his fingers and his legs parting when she places her hands upon his knees. Something changes when she settles herself between his thighs; the softness returning to her features, the smirk transforming into a delicate smile. In that moment she seems so delicate pure; that smooth, porcelain skin accentuated by the dark hair that frames her face, those enormous eyes sparkling in the glow given off by the fireplace. There’s so much trust and faith and love evident in her eyes that it almost takes his breath away, and he reaches out to lay a hand on her cheek; fingers splayed over her ear and his thumb brushing over her lips. And she turns her face into his palm; gaze never leaving his as she presses a kiss to the calloused skin. And suddenly, despite the earlier bantering and sexual innuendos, the time doesn’t seem quite right; the comfortable silence between them, the softness of her hands resting upon his knees, the dainty curve to her lips and the innocence in her eyes. And he slides his hand to the back of her head and tangles his fingers in her hair as he gently draws her forward. Her arms circling his neck as he pulls her into him; the kiss long and deep and passionate, leaving them both breathless.

“Let’s go upstairs,” he says, forehead resting against hers. “Do this right.”

“I think you’re going to have to carry me. My toes are tingly.”

“I think I can manage. How should we do this? Do you feel like caveman style of Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind?”

“Caveman style. Makes your muscles bulge more. And gives me a chance to stare at your butt.” She gives a small shriek when an arm wraps around her waist and effortlessly hoists her up onto his shoulder; yelping when a hand clamps down on her ass he pushes himself into a stand. “My big, strong man,” she giggles. “My knight in slightly tarnished armour.”

“Just slightly?”

“Your armour is perfect as is. It’s beautiful and it’s sexy and man, does your ass look extra good from this angle.”

“Speaking of asses…” he brings his palm down on one of her cheeks in a ringing slap. “....this one? This ass? It’s all mine.”

“All yours,” she agrees, tightly grabbing hold of the waist of the UnderArmour pants he still sports as he begins the journey up the stairs. “Don’t drop me! Don’t let me fall!”

“I’d never let you fall, Me,” he vows. “Ever.”

****

The confines of his arms are the most secure and comfortable place on earth; strong and muscular, even the lightest of embraces always possessing intense power and protection. Affection -both receiving and giving- had once been foreign to him; deprived of a loving parent when his mother passed away and left with one that was cold and menacing and did nothing but inflict torture and abuse. His first wife hadn’t been one for the more quiet and relaxing moments following sex, and his life after his divorce had consisted of no strings attached hook ups; out the door as fast as he could flush the condom. So it had been a learning process; a slow yet steady journey of travelling outside of known behaviour and comfort zones. Now he’s a master of it; the aftercare and the snuggling and the long, sleepy conversations as they lay in midst of tangled sheets and sweaty limbs. And he readily seeks and offers physical contact in all aspects of his life; quick with the hugs and the taking of a hand or little random kisses when you’re not expecting them.

She lays tightly tucked into his side. Head resting on his shoulder and her arm draped across his midsection; fingertips lazily following the lines of his ribs and drawing feathery patterns on smooth, warm skin. She knows every inch of his body; able to blindly find each scar and trace the outline of every tattoo. His body is hard and strong; tall and broad shouldered, athletically built. It’s reminiscent of how he’d looked when they first met; lean and muscular, impossibly strong without any extra bulk. She’s seen him every shape and size. Rail thin and sickly looking when he’d finally gotten out of the hospital; an almost staggering loss of both weight and muscle. And the 'lumberjack' stage; thick and powerful; his build phenomenal, extra weight gathering at his stomach and just above his hips. She’s loved him each and every way; during the best days of his life and the worst. Her heart breaking at his struggles with his thin and weaker body during his convalescence five years ago; the days he hated what he saw in the mirror and would fly into rages directed at Nathan and how he’d managed to break him both physically and mentally. And she’d supported him through nearly two years of physiotherapy. The weeks filled with gruelling and painful appointments; comforting him the best she could when it all became too much to bear and he’d cry tears of both frustration and agony. Trying not to break down herself when he claimed that it would have been easier had he died. That he felt useless to both her and the kids. Lamenting that he wasn’t even half the man he was when they’d first met. But she’d gotten him through it; gently leading him out of the dark place in his head and doing whatever she could to encourage him to keep going.

Five years later and he’s come a hell of a long way. There will always be issues; long lasting effects both physically and mentally. The damage Nathan had done causing permanent and life altering problems; vision loss in the right eye, post concussion syndrome, nerve damage in the small of his back and into his right hip, a leg limp that becomes even more pronounced when the cold weather sets in and irritates the arthritis that thrives in his knee and femur. Yet he never complains; down playing the pain and refusing to let it control his life. He’ll need another operation when he hits sixty, if not before. The knee not healing and bouncing back as well as it should; the surgically repaired ligaments and tendons far weaker than they had hoped they’d be. But he doesn’t let it slow him down; even on the days he can barely move and she has to help him get out of bed or in and out of the shower. It’s a bitter pill for him to try and swallow; occasionally needing assistance when it comes to even the smallest of everyday things. She sees how it both annoys and embarrasses him; someone his size and possessing his skills and capabilities needing help from someone as tiny as her. Holding onto that one shred of toxic masculinity that tells him the roles should be reversed; he’s the one that should be taking care of her and doing whatever it takes to make sure she’s safe and healthy and protected. And she handles it the best way she knows how; quietly and efficiently. Never calling attention to his struggles and keeping his mind from travelling down a dark and dangerous rabbit hole by encouraging random chit chat; keeping things light and happy and her hands soft and loving. And in the future, never bringing up what he’d needed or what she’d had to do.

She presses a kiss to the scar that mars his left shoulder. “You awake?”

“I am.”

“You okay?”

His fingers continue to comb through her hair; slow and soothing movements. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re extra quiet tonight. I mean, you’re always quiet. But you’re even more so.”

“I’m just lying here enjoying it. The post orgasmic bliss.”

She lifts her head to look at him, admiring the line of his jaw and the beard that’s beginning to fill out and thicken and those impossible long and dark eyelashes that rest upon smooth skin. “Hey, that’s MY line.”

“Not tonight it’s not. I beat you to it.” As the fingers of one hand continue to move through her hair, the others drift along her upper arm; calloused tips occasionally pausing to trace slow and lazy patterns. “You alright?”

Nodding, she slides further up the bed. Nose pressed against the sensitive spot right below his ear and her hand reaching up to rest on the top of his head; thumb repeatedly brushing against his brow. “I’m good. VERY good, actually.”

“You were fucking amazing,” he praises, and turns his face into hers and places a kiss on the bridge of her nose. “You always are. But that? That was…”

“Extra?”

He chuckles. “Yeah. Very extra.”

“I don’t want to ever hear that you’re complaining about me ever again. Because you are extremely spoiled and there are many men who would envy your sex life.”

His eyes flicker open and a frown tugs at the corners of his mouth. “I don’t complain about you.”

“Like hell you don’t. All couples complain about each other. I admit that I complain about you. About some of the shit you do that drives me insane. Doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

“There’s not really anything to complain about when it comes to you.”

“Right…” she laughs. “...don’t go sparing my feelings, babe. I know what I’m like. I know what kind of bullshit I bring to the table. And yet you’re still here. You still keep hanging around.”

“It’s not that bad; dealing with your bullshit. Besides, I kinda like you.”

“Kinda, huh?”

“Just a bit.”

“I kind of like you too. And I wouldn’t mind if you hung out around here for the next...I don’t know...fifty years.”

“Good. Because I think I’ll stick around. I’m kinda comfortable. I can think of worse lives. I’ve LIVED worse lives.”

“Well now you’re spoiled. Insanely. You’re like that mangy little kitten someone finds in a gutter and nurses back to health and they get all fat and happy and get to sleep all over the furniture.”

He grins. “Did you seriously just compare me to a stray animal?”

“Hey, you needed some work when we first met. You were a little...feral. You were living in a shack with a chicken as a roommate.”

“Roommate? That’s my child you’re talking about.”

“You were pretty rough around the edges. You needed some big time TLC. And I was more than willing to give you that. You had potential. I saw it. You weren’t as scary as you liked to think you were.”

“Maybe not to you. I wasn’t like that with you. I was trying NOT to be.”

“Until you had your meltdown over having the feels and you tried to choke me out.”

“Not one of my finer moments,” Tyler admits. “But I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was trying to scare you. Because I didn’t want you getting all caught up in something and then have me fuck it up and disappoint you. I was trying to protect you.”

“From you?”

He nods.

“I wasn’t afraid of you. I didn’t think you’d hurt me. I could tell you weren’t that type; to put your hands on a woman. No matter how angry you got.”

“It wasn’t about hurting you THAT way. It was about us taking things too far and feeling things for each other and trying to make something of nothing. I wanted that to happen, but I was scared that it would. Doesn’t make much sense, I know.”

“I think you were trying to protect yourself more than you were trying to protect me.”

“Maybe. I guess I worried I was feeling too much, too soon. That you’d find out who I really was and you’d run. I didn’t want to get attached and have you take off because you couldn’t deal with my shit. In the same way I didn’t want you getting attached and finding out I was too much of a mess and regretting what happened between us.”

“That was NEVER going to happen. I knew you were different. I SAW you, Tyler. Who you really were. Behind those walls you built up. Behind that whole hardened and emotionally vacant mercenary act you put on. I saw it the second we met. It was all in your eyes. That you weren’t like everyone else.”

“I think you give me way too much credit.”

“And you don’t give yourself enough.” Her thumb moves to the scar on the left side of his forehead; thin yet jagged, running vertically. “I was thinking about that first night. In Dhaka. After we...you know.”

“Fucked? Four times?”

“Normally I’d tell you not to be so crude and that it was a little more softer and meaningful than that, but…”

“There was nothing soft or meaningful about ANY of those four times. It was fucking. Let’s not sugar coat it.”

“Whatever it was, it was amazing. YOU were amazing. But do you remember afterwards? When I cuddled up to you? And you wondered what the fuck was going on? You didn’t know how to react; you sort of froze up and didn’t even budge. Were you angry or…?”

“Why would I have been angry? There was nothing to be angry about. I’d just gotten through having the most incredible sex of my life. FOUR times. I had a beautiful, amazing woman in my bed. Still naked. I definitely was not angry.”

“Uncomfortable?”

“Surprised. I wasn’t used to that. The whole afterglow thing. I was used to just getting shit done and getting the fuck out. And my ex wasn’t into that kind of shit. She was a roll over and go to sleep kind of girl.”

“You poor, neglected man. Never getting to enjoy the aftermath. You made up for it though. With me.”

“That I did. I was just surprised when you did it. Cuddled up to me like you did. But I definitely wasn’t angry. Or uncomfortable. It was just different. YOU were different. Doesn’t mean I didn’t like it. It felt good. It felt right. And I figured if something feels that right? There’s no way anything could be bad about it.”

“I love this side of you,” she declares, and presses a kiss to his temple. “This softer, sweet side. I mean, I love all sides of you. But this? This is always a breath of fresh air. And it did; feel right. What was going on with us. And it kind of scared me too. I wasn’t used to that. Feeling things so quickly for someone. Trusting them the way I trusted you.”

“It was a little unnerving. I was a little spooked. But all’s well that ends well, yeah? I mean, here we are. Twelve and a half years under our belts, Me. Seven kids. I think it’s safe to say that we weren’t wrong about what we were feeling. Even if it did seem too soon. I kinda knew I was in trouble pretty early on.”

“When? When you saw me on your porch?”

“I had a feeling you’d be a handful,” he grins, and turns his face into hers; placing a kiss on her brow before resting the side of his nose against hers. “It was the second night though. When I told you about Austin. It had been years since I talked about him to anyone. And I just let it out. Something told me I could. But it did scare me.”

“What were you scared of?”

He shrugs. “Being that honest about things. So soon. I was worried I’d tell you what happened...what I did...and everything would change. I thought you’d be disgusted. That you’d look at me like I was a huge piece of shit. And I would have deserved it. If you did.”

“You made a mistake. We all do. You’re not perfect, Tyler. None of us are.”

“It wasn’t just a simple mistake. It was a horrible fucked up one. I took off. My kid had cancer. And I couldn’t handle it and I ran. Like I always do when shit gets too hard. I wasn’t even there. When he died. I left him and he spent the last of his days wondering where the fuck I was and asking what he did wrong that made me hate him enough to leave.”

“You were a different person back then. You couldn’t handle it. A lot of people wouldn’t be able to. And you had a lapse of judgement. Unfortunately, it ended up being way worse than you thought it would be.”

“I was worried once I told you about all of that, you’d hate me. That it would make you sick to even look at me.”

“I have never once hated you. Not even back then. I didn’t feel disgust. You know what I felt? I felt sad. For Austin. For you. That either of you had to go through that. My heart hurt for YOU. That your child got sick and you had to watch him suffer and that it was so painful to see that you made a bad decision. I was sad for you. Like I still am. But hate you? I could NEVER hate you. You have enough hate for yourself. To last a lifetime.”

“Yeah…” Tyler’s voice quivers with emotion. “...I guess I do.”

Smilingly softly, she combs her fingers through his hair. “You’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, haven’t you.”

He nods.

“I know it gets extra difficult around this time of year. At Christmas. I know how hard it is for you. Trying to be happy and enjoy things while it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest.”

“It’s not normally this bad. I mean, it’s bad. But THIS?” He swallows heavily around the rock of emotion sitting in his throat. “Never like THIS. I don’t know what it is. Why it’s hit me this hard this year. I don’t know if it’s ‘cause I see how much Millie and TJ are growing up. Or I see so much of Austin in both of them. It’s normally not like this. This bad.”

“It’s okay, you know. To feel this. You don’t have to hide that from anyone. Especially me.”

“I don’t want the kids seeing me like this. I don’t want them thinking they can’t be happy. It’s Christmas. They deserve to be happy and excited and to have the time of their lives. I don’t want them thinking they have to walk on eggshells because of me. Or that I’m not happy being with them. Because I am. Happy. With them. With you.”

“I know you are. You don’t have to convince me of that. I know how much you love us. How happy you are. I never doubt that.”

“I guess sometimes I feel guilty. That I am as happy as I am. That I did move on and have other kids. That I didn’t do it right by him but I turned around and made more kids I could screw things up with.”

“You are NOT screwing anything up. You are a great dad. An amazing dad. And your kids love you so much. They idolize you. You’re their daddy. There’s no one they love the way they love you.”

“He loved me. Idolized me. And look what I did. Look how I betrayed that. How I betrayed HIM.”

“It was a mistake.” Gentle fingertips brush away the tears that glisten on his cheeks and the sides of his nose. “You made a bad decision. But that doesn’t make you a monster, Tyler. It just makes you a man who screwed up. And you know what? Austin would want you to be happy. He’d want you to have a life. To have other kids. Because he’d know how much love you have and he’d want you to give that to other people. He would never deprive you of that; having other kids.”

“Maybe. Doesn’t mean it makes it any easier. The fact he died. Alone.”

“I know it’s of little consolation, but he wasn’t alone. His mom was with him. And I’m sure she told him how much you loved him. That she probably told him you had to go. Not that you chose to.”

“You give her a lot of credit. I can assure you that she DIDN’T say any of that. That he died knowing I abandoned him. That he died hating me.”

“A mother will do anything to protect their child from getting hurt. And I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what she did. He was vulnerable and he was sick and I highly doubt she’d make that worse by shit talking you. I know I wouldn’t. That I’d never let any of my kids hear any of that. That if it had been me? I would have made sure he knew how much you wanted to be there and couldn’t. I would have told him how much you loved him. And would always love him.”

“You’re a different person, Me. She’s nothing like you. Not even in the slightest of ways.”

“I know at one time she loved you. And you loved her. That it wasn’t always bad. That there were some good memories too.”

“I did love her. But not the way that I love you. Not even close. What I have? With you? What I feel? That’s the real deal. Her? I don’t know what that was.”

“She was your highschool sweetheart. You thought you were destined to be together. It just didn’t work out.”

“Which is a good thing. Or I wouldn’t have what I have now. Which is why I’d never go back and change things. Even if I could. Because I change one thing, it changes everything. And I wouldn’t give you or my kids up for anything in this world. Which makes me feel like shit. That I wouldn’t bring back my first kid.”

“Tyler, don’t let your mind go there. That’s a very dark place and that is not where you need to be. I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry Austin got sick and died. That you had to go through that. But comparing what you had then to what you have now? That will lead to nowhere good. Stop tormenting yourself like this. You have a good life. One that you’re more than deserving of. You have people that love you. Don’t overlook that because you’re so busy looking back at things. You’re not betraying Austin because you had other kids. Because you found love and are loved. And I can guarantee you that he would not want you doing this to yourself.”

“It’s not that easy.” He frantically swipes at the tears that freely roll down his face. “I wish it was. I wish I could turn this all off. That I’d never feel a damn thing again.”

“And that’s not good EITHER. It’s okay to feel. You’re a human being. But dwelling on what you did? You’ll never really enjoy what you have if you keep doing that. And one day the kids WILL notice it. They’ll see the difference in you. And they’ll wonder why they weren’t enough. Why you didn’t love them the same way you loved him. And I know you don’t want that.”

“I do love them. They’re my kids. You have no idea how much I love them.”

“Then you need to let it go. Not Austin himself. But what happened. The decision you made. Because it WILL destroy what you have. It’ll destroy you. And you’ve come way too damn far to let that happen. I won’t LET it happen.”

“I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to keep going through this. I just want it over. I don’t want it to hurt so much. And I don’t know why it does. Why it’s so hard this time around. I don’t have an explanation, Me. I don’t why I’m like this. But trust me, I don’t want to be this way.”

“Come here…” she encourages, as her one hand finds the nape of his neck and the fingers of the other tangle in his hair. And she pulls him down into her; both of his arms wrapping tightly around her torso and his face nestled against her collarbone. “...it’s okay, Tyler. These times are going to come up. We were told this would happen. That you’d feel this way from time to time. You’ve had a great five years. You’ve avoided these kinds of moments. It was bound to creep up; sooner or later. Christmas is always a hard time for you. I get it. I know you can’t help it.”

“I don’t want to be this way,” he sobs against her. “I just want it to stop. How bad it hurts sometimes. I just want it to stop.”

“You’re going to be alright.” Her voice is soft and soothing; fingertips lightly massaging his scalp. “It’ll pass. You’ll get through this. Same way you’ve gotten through so many things. So many bad, BAD things. You’re a tough cookie, Tyler Rake.”

“I wouldn’t be able to do this if you weren’t here. If you didn’t keep giving me chances. Putting up with all this shit. I wouldn’t even be here. Alive.”

“I love you. More than you could ever know. I love you more and more every day. And I’m not going anywhere. You know how you always say ‘I got you’? Well I’VE got YOU.”

“I love you. So much. I wish there was a way of telling you HOW much.”

“You don’t need to say it." She drops a kiss on the top of his head. “I know. You make it perfectly clear. In your own way.”

“Thank you. For this. For everything.”

“You’re going to be okay,” she assures him, and runs her fingers through his hair. “I won’t let you fall either.”

[flowerfan2]

How am I going to reconcile Steve’s date with the ongoing story of Steve and Danny’s relationship in Affinity, you may ask yourself?  Read on and find out... (and if you want to go back one more chapter, you’ll see how Danny’s ill-fated hookup with Joanna fits in...)

McDanno, A03; 1600 words this chapter.

Chapter 16 - 10.16

Two days before Valentine’s Day

Danny is at the picnic table on the lanai, cleaning his gun.  Steve is watching him from just inside the doorway.

He’s knows it’s a little bit creepy, but since Danny knows very well that he’s there, he doesn’t feel too badly about it.  And there’s something about watching Danny’s hands move over his weapon that just gets him. It’s not his fault if he enjoys the sight.

More importantly, it makes Steve feel better to know where Danny is, to know he’s right there outside the house. It settles him.  Even if he and Danny aren’t together right now, he still wants Danny nearby.  He thinks Danny knows this.  Steve’s said it a dozen times, even over eggs the other day.  He hopes Danny believes it.

Steve’s been trying to be patient. He knows he fucked up with Danny, and he feels like an idiot for it.  How could he have chickened out?  Worse, he hurt Danny unnecessarily.  Although Steve’s aching for Danny to just take him back, he understands why Danny might not want to.  He’s relieved beyond measure that Danny agreed to think about it.  But he can’t help but wish he’d hurry up.

“Stop lurking and come sit down,” Danny says, not looking up from his gun.

Steve ambles over and takes a seat across from his partner.  Danny gives him a look, the one that says “you goof, you’re at it again,” and Steve smiles back.  But then Danny’s expression changes, and Steve feels something tense inside of him.

“I know you’re waiting for me to make a decision,” Danny starts, and Steve’s stomach clenches.  If Danny was going to say yes, he doesn’t think he’d explain it this way.  “But you need to stop – I don’t know – <i>hovering</i> all the time.  It’s not going to help.”

 “That’s not why I hover,” Steve blurts out, completely failing to deny it.

 “No?  Why, then?”  Danny’s got a bit of a smile curling the edge of his mouth, and Steve loves him, loves him right in the  middle of this terrible conversation, loves him even as he realizes he’s screwing things up constantly.  It’s a real pain in the ass.

 “I just like you,” Steve says. He might as well be writing Valentine’s Day cards for kindergarteners, he’s so eloquent.

 But it brings a real smile to Danny’s face.  “I like you too, Steve,” Danny says affectionately, and Steve’s heart soars.  “And I’m glad you want me around, I truly do.”  Danny looks around Steve’s house, waves his hands to take it in.  “It’s like home, here.  It means a lot to me.”

 “Yeah?  Good, that’s good,” Steve says, not sure where Danny is going with this, because his tone has shifted away from fond and is sliding back towards something less positive.  It gets worse as the moment lengthens, Danny clearly choosing his words carefully.

 “We need to take some time,” Danny finally says.

 Steve just stares at him.  Danny is holding his gaze, determined.  “What do you mean, ‘take some time’?”

 Danny sighs.  “I mean you can’t be holding your breath waiting for me.”

 “You mean <i>you</i> need some time,” Steve says, a hint of annoyance in his voice, possibly to cover up the fear.  “I don’t need time, Danny.  I know what I want.  I’m sorry, I fucked up, but I know what I want.  I want you.”

 Danny stands up, one hand leaning on the table.  “Maybe I need you to take some time too, and make sure you really mean it.”  He takes his gun and his cleaning supplies and goes back towards the house, stopping just as he reaches the doorway to look back at Steve.  “I’m gonna get changed, then we need to leave if we want to be on time for Charlie’s game. Still up for it?”

 “Of course,” Steve says quickly, as Danny gives him a backwards wave and heads upstairs.  He stays at the picnic table until Danny comes back down, trying to get his thoughts in order.  Danny didn’t say no, and Danny’s not leaving.  Steve can handle this.  He has to.

 <i>One day before Valentine’s Day</i>

 Steve’s in his office, pretending to read his email but actually daydreaming about what Danny is doing with his day off.  He’s considering giving him a call when he gets a text.  

 A little pulse of excitement runs through him – was Danny thinking of him too?  Does he want to get lunch, or make plans for tonight?

 But the text isn’t from Danny. It’s from Brooke.

 <i>Hey, I know it’s been a while. Have any plans for tomorrow night?</i>

 Steve hasn’t thought about Brooke in ages, hasn’t seen her in more.  He’s sort of rendered speechless, if that’s a thing when you’re texting. Before he can respond, she sends another text.

 <i>Don’t panic, I just enjoyed our time together and I thought it might be nice to try it again.  Totally casual.</i>

 Steve’s not sure what this means, but honestly, it feels good that someone actually wants to spend time with him. God knows what Danny’s doing tomorrow night, but he’s made it clear that it isn’t going to be a romantic evening with him.  

 Steve has tried to really understand what Danny said to him on the lanai yesterday, about both of them needing to take some time.  Maybe he needs to show Danny that he’s really listening to him.  But would going out with Brooke help or hurt?  

 And really, if he’s so committed to Danny, why is he interested in seeing Brooke at all?  Steve bites his lip, and texts back to make plans.  Maybe he owes it to himself to make sure that Danny is really the one he wants.  

 <i>Valentine’s Day</i>

 Steve slots himself in between Brooke and Danny on the couch, throwing one arm over each of them.  It seemed like the logical thing to do.  And Danny was asking for it, really, sitting down next to Brooke like that.

 Was he actually asking for it?  Did Danny set him up, did he want him squashed against his side?  For god’s sake, Danny even said he “could use the affection” as Steve’s hand draped over his shoulder.  Steve can’t sort it all out.  

 Danny doesn’t even seem perturbed about Steve’s date with Brooke, although he did seem pleased that Steve turned the evening into a movie night with the team and their friends.  It’s too confusing.

 Steve sits there as the movie begins, Hugh Grant’s comforting voice talking about airport arrivals and and messages of love.  He’s always enjoyed this movie.  He remembers one night years ago when Grace had a bunch of friends for a sleepover here, all of them watching with rapt fascination at the different intertwining plot lines.  You can’t beat a good love story, especially with some catchy music to go along with it.

 He doesn’t like the Alan Rickman character though.  He knows you’re not supposed to, that he’s a villain. But Emma Thompson is too skilled at displaying the pain he causes her, her heart wrenching humiliation when she realizes he’s cheating on her, and it makes Steve feel vaguely ill.  

 Suddenly his arm over Brooke’s shoulder feels wrong, and he gets up from the couch, muttering something about making more popcorn.  

 It’s not long before Danny follows him in, lifting himself up to sit on the counter next to the sink as he always does. “I didn’t hear any popping,” Danny says conversationally.

 Steve turns to face him, helpless as always.  “I don’t know how I’m supposed to be.”

 Danny accepts this abrupt change of topic in stride.  “What do you mean?”

 Steve studies Danny, who is showing no signs of distress, his face calm and open and with that faintly fond smile teasing at his lips.  

 “How is this so normal to you?” Steve asks, and if he’s changing the topic again, Danny still doesn’t seem to mind.

 Danny looks around the kitchen, at their cereal bowls still in the sink from this morning, the half empty bag of chips with the plastic pineapple clip that Steve bought to annoy Danny, their running sneakers over by the door.  “This is normal, Steve.  This is us. Nothing’s changed.”

 “But…”  Steve can’t finish the sentence.  Maybe nothing’s changed right now, but this strange stasis can’t last forever.  Danny could say no, and move out, and find someone else (who please god won’t actually die after their first date, because come on), or he could say yes, and then they’d have awesome make-up sex and grow old together, or some variation anyway.

 Danny slides off the counter and moves into his space, putting a hand on his arm and squeezing.  “It’s gonna be okay, Steve.  This is what I want right now, and I think it’s what we both need. But I’m not going anywhere.  I still love you, okay?  That’s not gonna change.”  

 “Yeah, okay.”  Steve can’t meet Danny’s eyes.  He wants to believe him, but it’s hard.  He can’t lose Danny.  He just can’t.

 “We’ll be all right, babe.  I promise.”  Danny squeezes his arm again and steps away.  “Now go watch the movie.  I’ll make the popcorn.”  Danny gives Steve a little shove, and he finds himself back in the living room, watching a movie about characters experiencing love in a dozen different ways while festive music plays all around.  

 Steve was crazy to think that his and Danny’s relationship woes could be easily solved, like a rom-com happy ending. No, if he wants Danny to trust him again, he’s going to have to be patient.

[hellyeahheroes]

Uncanny X-Men #11 is Outright Vile

Women in refrigerators. POCs killed for white people narratives. Anti-vaccinator and pro-suicide messages. Return of FascistCap. This book has it all. So obviously, all kinds of trigger warnings below.

I will not be posting any pages from the Uncanny X-Men #11. Not a single one. At least aside from that first page which reads like a bad joke anyway. Yes, this stuff is an actual page of this book. And I urge others to do the same and not post anything from it. When previously I would find this book to just be awful at this point it has reached levels of being openly mean-spirited and spiteful. While Matthew Rosenberg talks on his twitter how he wanted to discuss serious topics in this issue, dealing with personal experience of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, neither he nor anyone else at Marvel took care to actually warn potential readers the book flat out shows a suicide scene for shock value and I have already heard reports it has triggered people. So I urge everyone to not post these pages less we trigger more people.

Yes, the book has a character commit suicide. The story has a subplot of Cyclops searching for Blindfold, whom Rosenberg claims to be one of his favorite X-Men. And after reading this issue I have flat out said on twitter and I will say it here - could have fooled me. Scott finds her too late, as she already has slit her wrists in the bathtub. So this is what her story amounts too. She dies so that Scott Summers can feel sad. Or sadder, he wasn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows since page one. A character created after 90′s and not popular enough to get resurrected in the next 20 years dies so that people who come back to life more often than Jesus can pretend death in comics still has a meaning. A woman dies so that a man can feel sad. The page above is right. Every X-men story really IS the same.

This is not delivered with any respect whatsoever either. On the previous page, we had Madrox telling Scott where he can find Ruth and to leave her alone and then we get a splash of her death with coloring and art so bad you had to actually study it carefully to realize she is, in fact, not naked. As far as lack of respect goes it is out there with that godawful Heroes in Crisis cover showing dead Poison Ivy, wrists slit, ass up. 

What’s more is that at the end we have a backup story, so-called Last Blindfold Story. Which pretty much explains that she did it because she’s been tormented by visions of her own death and cannot see any possible future in which she does not get killed. And this is very obviously a clear metaphor for invasive thoughts, all the dark scenarios people tend to run in their heads about how everything is going to turn horrible, there is nothing good awaiting us in life, no hope or future, just continuous series of crushing failures, disappointments, humiliations and all-around misery so it is better if we just killed ourselves. I know that feeling, even though I am not diagnosed with anything. I will say even I had these feelings to deal with after coming today from a, particularly disastrous day at work that made me dread my future and indeed made me think of killing myself. And then I’ve read this book and do you want to know how this whole story came out to me? It told me that this voice telling me to end myself is right, that every scenario I envision not only will happen but is inevitable and it is better to just kill myself. Thankfully, being spoiled the contents beforehand made it I reacted to the pages more with anger than getting put into an even shittier mood, I certainly did not need it. 

I do beleive Matthew Rosenberg, just like Tom King on Heroes in Crisis, means well, I really do. I do believe each of them is trying to tell a personal story. But we really need to sit down and talk about how the mainstream comics portray and handle topics like anxiety depression, other kinds of mental illness and disorders, self-harm or suicide because for every book that deals with it with respect like recent Unstoppable Wasp or Mister Miracle, and you notice these are always niche titles, we have a high-profile book that completely botches it for shock value and preserving the status quo. Rosenberg might be working through some personal issues but he does so in a way that doesn’t seem to realize the damage he is doing all around.

Speaking of shock value this issue also casually kills of Loa, one of Marvel’s very few Pacific Islander characters. Worse that scene, in the end, serves nothing, it is there to shock you and does not add up anything. You cannot even say that it was done to push Blindfold to her suicide or to show the situation really is that serious. It amounts to nothing in Ruth’s storyline and the latter is being hammered down through the entire issue anyway, this is completely redundant death done only to get people talking. How am I supposed to believe that X-Men writers and editorial really, as they claim to, care for these characters when they write something that treats them as disposable. Similarly, aging of Velocidad done from overuse of his powers is there only to nod Wolverine more into getting back into the game, something that so many other elements, including his conversation with Blindfold, already accomplish, making it redundant. What does that leave us with, however? Two POC characters killed or alerted beyond saving to show how serious the situation is and two teenage girls killed to make things look bad and grim for our manly heroes? For a franchise that prides itself for being a metaphor for minorities, X-Men sure treat women and minorities as nothing but props for stories about white guys.

When we are at treating other characters as props I cannot help but mention that Captain America, Black Widow, and Winter Soldier show up here to protect a mutant-hating rally from any mutants who would want to start a riot. And even though they tell you they want to protect both sides Cap sure didn’t step in when the mob tried to kill Cyclops for speaking his mind but stepped in only when he started fighting back. He had no real answer to Summers accusing him of protecting fascists either. I do wonder what do Mark Waid and Ta-Nehishi Coates think of their efforts to fix Captain America after Secret Empire being flushed down the drain for the sake of an outdated message of mutant isolationism. They did the same with Phil Urich, making him a coward who refuses to do his job out of fear of public opinion. And topped on some old-fashioned ageism by having Chamber, a Gen X character, go and tell Scott, a Baby Boomer, to give up...while Millenials are sacrificed to prop said Baby boomer’s story. And I don’t care Jordan D. White is ranting on twitter with Marvel sliding timescale O5 are now “true” Millennials, nobody cared for this thing in a long, long time and he comes off as bitter old man trying to pretend he is still young.

Speaking of the said rally we need to address the problem of the whole mutant vaccine plotline. And is it me or does the whole thing comes off as anti-vaccinators propaganda, with evil bigots trying to practice eugenics by forcing mandatory vaccines on kids that somehow work on something genetic? Is this really the way you want to use the mutant metaphor? To equate your heroes with a bunch of idiots who don’t want to vaccinate their kids for stupid and often bigoted reasons like assinine belief vaccines cause autism and they’d rather their kid died than be autistic? Is this really a message you want to be sending? Maybe next X-men will start wearing MAGA hats, proclaim Earth flat and draw comparisons to “blue lives” defenders?

It is not that the story is dark. I like dark stories. I love them even I’d say. But there is a difference between being dark and being pointlessly grimdark for the sake of it. One of the reasons why I read superhero comics and why I am a fan of Earn Your Happy Ending narratives is that I find inspirations in seeing superheroes being knocked down and still raising, still pressing forward until they win against all the odds and prove that yes, there is a reason to fight another day. But so far Uncanny X-Men made it abundantly clear this will not be another day in which I or my generation are welcome. I have no doubt X-Men will win in the end. but it will not be X-men with Blindfold and it will not be X-Men with Loa and it will be not X-Men with Velocidad. It will not be X-Men with any of the characters I care about at all. It will be X-Men that made it clear not only am I not welcome here, the book actively things the world will be a better place if I and my entire generation were gone so that it can relive good old days alone.

But hey, it had two guys beating up mooks on a splash page so it CLEARLY means the franchise is on the right trac /sarcasm.

- Admin

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn���t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

[polygamyff]

19.

Things change with me so fast, like shit come out of nowhere and now I’m going to New York. I think I can make the scan but Robyn hasn’t once spoken to me, I am being calm about this because honestly Leon has been telling me all. She hasn’t be doing much but work and has been staying at her parents, she is hard headed and it’s killing me. It’s been a week, I am on this jet going to New York, the joys of New York. My dad is legit wanting me to do this interview, my dad is now meeting the Saudi Prince so I don’t need too, the blessing. My sister is on the jet with me, now I can see Malik and slap the back of his head. I’ve got such a nice tan and honestly, Nalah is bad for me. She has got me a fan base on social media, she done nothing but hype me up about trying these websites, I’ll pass on that, I would get my ass in trouble. I am so nervous about this interview, they going to rip my ass to shreds but my dad said everything is dealt with “Honestly, you got these girls saying in my comments, can they be your side bitch? These girls do not care about you being married, not going to lie. You already had girls at you, I just didn’t say anything. Imagine after the interview. Pussy galore” I groaned out “you know who’s pussy I want, quit playing” sitting back in the seat “she ain’t called you once, she mad, mad with you. But I understand and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, she is a very beautiful girl and she is with you, poor that” kissing my teeth, she ain’t funny.

“So, you need to tell me Robyn’ place. I’m just going to see her, look she is having my niece and that’s our blood. I am doing you a favor here, we can go shopping and I will just explain to her. I mean look at this turn around, you’re going New York now, shit switches up quick. If you really can’t make it then I will step in for the scan. I think me and Robyn need to have some girly talk, about you of course but I’ll hype you up Maurice. She needs to be let into the family a little more, you know?” Nodding my head “can’t believe I’m letting you do this, I swear you better not make her hate me even more. Please buy her something, for me ok? I miss her so much and I’m jealous you are getting to see Robyn. Make sure you say hi to Bonita, the mini one” my sister gave me the stankest look ever “I don’t know what the hell you speaking about, I am just helping you out. She needs to be involved more, slowly bring her into the Davenport lifestyle and I’m the best person to show it” I might regret letting my sister do this but I am so sad, Robyn hasn’t text me or call me and then I won’t do it either “why are you always sad? Stop it, I feel like she needs to be just shown what you do, how you are. I promise I won’t be stupid” I will murder my sister, I really will.

I am leaving my sister to Robyn, she actually offered so who am I to decline such help. Robyn may come to her senses with everything which I am hoping happens, I can only pray that it happens. Malik is about to get a slap from me, I don’t know what he is doing here with the bullshit assistant issue. I told him to get a male and he hasn’t done it but he’s not wrong, women make a good assistant because they do get shit done. Walking up the steps to my hotel in New York “sir” the doorman opened the door for me “morning” yesterday I was just in Dubai, shit changes up for me so quick and now I’m here in New York. It’s always nice to see a busy hotel, this is what I like to see. Busy hotel means money, waving at the receptionist. Her old ass been working here since I was a child, one of the best “Malik? Is he in my office?” I asked her “yes, he’s interviewing someone” I had to laugh, he isn’t doing shit. That nigga done nothing I have told him too and I am still without an assistant. Walking down hall, using my office and shit like he owns the place just because I don’t come here anymore don’t mean I won’t make surprise visits. Knocking on the door before opening, Malik stared at me all wide eyed “sorry about this” who does he think he is, stepping inside “oh wow” looking at the female sat, she got her legs on show, some shirt open too “hi, I’m Maurice” holding my hand out to her “oh wow, hi” she said wow for the second time, shaking her hand “so proceed Malik, pretend I’m not here” I sat down on the spare seat next to the female.

I think I have made everything very awkward, Malik doesn’t know what to say and the girl keeps on messing up on her words which I find hilarious “so Isabella right?” I interrupted the conversation “do you think you will be able to handle my demands? For me to tell you what to do even at nights? Are you able to not fancy me? To keep your hands to yourself because you know, I am married” her face turned bright red “uhm yes, I am not here for anything else. I am always available” Nodding my head “you’re pretty” She is nice, she blushed looking away. Looking over at Malik he is hating me “so anyways, thank you for coming Isabella, that will be all” Malik cut it short, getting up from my seat “nice to meet you Isabella, Malik will be in contact” Shaking her hand, she stared at me in awe and it was crazy, I had her my hand back from her “yeah nice meeting you” Malik said all annoyed, I sat back in the seat. Malik looked at me all annoyed, he put a finger up at me as the door closed “nigga, you a flirt. You got a wife, girlfriend and now you looking for another one?” I snorted laughing “that is just me nigga, step ya game up. I ain’t looking for another girl. Trust me, I have enough on my plate with Robyn” acting like I want another female to drive me crazy, I’m good “you too in love anyways, why are you here” slouching down in the chair “I got a interview here, come to see you. Look at you doing fuck all, I keep on telling you I want a male. You keep bringing pretty women, stop” Malik chuckled “but it’s best that way, males are boring” he needs to get his act together quick.

Malik thinking he is boss, he is funny “so what have you exactly got for me? Have you done anything? Not even an assistant?” This is why I like him being close in regards to all this shit “erm, a few females?” Shaking my head at Malik “good one bro” Malik annoys my life, rubbing my eyes “so you just ignored what I said? Is that it? Please, listen to me. Isabella is a no, please” Malik finds it funny “you just don’t know how to stop flirting, that is you issue” he pointed “I am just that but my heart is with Robyn, I love her and that is it” Malik cooed out “I get that, ok. I will do better” the intercom in my office went off, Malik got ever so scared “Maurice, oh wait. He is walking in” I frowned “boys” I jumped at my dad’ voice, looking behind me. I closed my eyes sighing out seeing Naomi, turning my back rubbing my face “my son” feeling my dad hit my back “hey dad” lifting my head up “I made a quick stop before London, I am sad you didn’t come to Texas though. You not heard?” shaking my head “what is it?” did I do something now “Kellen is doing well, I just though you would like to know he is back in Texas with his wife. Speaking of wife, here is yours” this is so awkward “that is great dad” I smiled at him, I am so annoyed.

My dad has come because I didn’t know I am having the interview today, like now I mean what the hell. Walking behind my dad, Noami behind me. I don’t want this, he is wanting to show we are a unit, a family and I just want to hide. Seeing this big guy “T, my son. Maurice T” who the fuck is this, Mr fucking T “hi” my dad is crazy “it’s a little hectic out there, let’s go to the studio” this is a joke “I am not stepping out, nope not doing it. She can go, why is there paparazzi out there dad? What are you doing? This is not me! The fuck?” I shouted in the middle of the lobby “just walk” this is bullshit and he knows it.

I have been so unwell recently, I had to go off work sick but it doesn’t really affect my sick days because I am pregnant. Pulling the blanket up a little more over me “I am so glad you’re actually back with me, it’s been lonely making food for one person. It was horrible” Leon placed my water on the table “well I am back but ill, I think my mom had enough of me complaining about life” resting my head “well I will look after you friend” Leon touched my forehead “stop it” I chuckled, a knock at the door “who is that? You inviting niggas while I been gone?” I questioned Leon, I just want to watch TV and not be bugged about shit “it was just one guy, he was cute. He was bisexual and he saw your picture because I have a picture of me and you and he was like I would have sex with her, and I was like nigga she is taken and pregnant, I am not having that shit” Leon dragged open the door “you’re actually stupid Leon” I laughed to myself “I will watch it, don’t worry” my eyes bulged out seeing Nalah, my mouth fell open “well hello to you too” she just walked in and Leon looks confused “yes ok, just calm down” she disconnected the call “oh hi Robyn, hope you don’t mind. I came to see you, are you ok?” I am just staring at the fact Maurice’ sister is in my apartment “erm fine” I stuttered a little “can you just change the channel to CNBC, Maurice is going to be on there” Nalah made herself comfortable.

I am trying to get my head wrapped on the fact Nalah is in my apartment and now this “now we have an exclusive interview, Davenport Hotels, once was a hotel in Texas ended up being a popular place for people to go too. They now have just over a thousand hotels around America and Europe, their portfolio is impeccable, the Davenport family name has been a name that took the hotel business by storm, then they young CEO took over, his father well known for opening the tallest hotel building in New York. Which took everything by storm, now his son Maurice Davenport has stepped in” the camera moved “welcome to the studio” my heart melted, look at him. His smile, my baby. I feel emotional now “thank you” look at his overbite gleaming “he still has his blonde hair” I said smiling “he cute, isn’t he!?” Leon spat, I have missed his face so much and he has a tan look at him “he’s such a goof ball” Nalah said “it’s a pleasure to meet you, I have heard of you I mean we all have been and heard of Davenport hotel. To meet the man himself, the man to build a different style because there was a point where it was touch and go?” that interviewer is smiling too much at Maurice “uh yes, before I was given the role. Before my dad said to me, look son. Here are the hotels, do you. It was declining, we had to change it. Straight away, I did that. Shares went up” that bitch needs to stop staring mad hard “you look so disgusted, look at you!” Leon said laughing, I can’t help it because she is staring at my man.

He is doing so well in this interview, I am proud “so what is next for you? The next steps for Davenport Hotels” she asked “we are opening new hotels next year, you will be looking at a new hotel everyday, we are branding with other hotels, I can’t say who with but it will knock any competition. When I mean branding, I mean our name will be on it. We are taking over what we can. Just before the New Year, Dubai. Our first hotel there. We will still have that choice for customer, we don’t just cater to wealth. Customers like that we cater to every need” I really don’t like her, what the fuck is her name now “that sounds promising, am I going to see you on the top ten on Forbes next?” Maurice laughed “possibly, I just take it as it comes” he shrugged “well I do enjoy the fact I always get free wifi, don’t change that” she pointed “would I ever? That is something I would keep” Maurice is doing a fake white laugh, it’s ugly “he is ugly for that laugh” I said “he really is you know” Nalah agreed “what do you want to be known as, what do you think your legacy will be? Is it just hotels or do you want to broaden that?” he does actually look so sexy “real estates, there is a few in New Jersey and some in Texas” he is doing too much, this is why he is busy “that is something you are doing with your wife, she is heir to one of the biggest real estates known to America. Both of you together, that could create something big. You have both been together for a long time now, well five years” Maurice looks so uncomfortable “well I am trying to do this with Davenport, I am trying to be independent with this. When you married, it’s just something on paper” Nalah gasped “but yeah, it’s something she does help me with. We do help each other” all of a sudden I got bored.

“Before that interview he was calling me about Naomi being there but anyways, anyone want a shopping spree. I have Maurice’ card” Leon and I just looked at each other “I am supposed to be ill from work, well I am” I mumbled looking over at her, she is so beautiful. So fresh skinned, stress free and always full of diamonds, she is spoilt “you really got his card?” Leon asked “oh yes I do, I bullied him for it. Treats on me” Leon shrieked out “oh my god, you my favourite, wait. Can I come?” he cheering without knowing “sure, a friend of Robyn’ why not” Leon clapped “let’s go shopping” Leon ran off to his room, a lot is happening right now “I think I should stay here” this is weird “what do you do?” Nalah asked “residency, well I am near my next stage of being a surgeon” Nalah stared at me all wide eyed “oh wow, that is amazing. How did my stupid brother get you, wow. That is so good. But I honestly want you to come, I came here for you” I look terrible “I am not well” making up excuses here “love sick?” Nalah openly said and I couldn’t help but laugh “you’re funny, how come you’re here? I fully expected Maurice, is he in New York?” Nalah nodded her head “it’s weird, like it can change so quick. We was in Dubai yesterday and now I am here. I came because I want to get to know the woman that has made my brother look like a lost puppy in Dubai, and the woman that is going to be the mother to my niece. It’s time you know us more and for me to get to know you” this sounds like a lot of talking, I didn’t expect this at all and I am in shock.

[crystalelemental]

FE Fates Replay - Part 6

Okay...okay, I think I’m over Peri being here.  Kinda.  Not really, but enough to move on with our lives.  God I hate her...  Her levels have been better than some of my units with Aptitude!  You couldn’t even just make her a bad unit?!

Ugh, whatever, chapter 12.  The map itself is actually really cool.  The idea is that there are a ton of jars lining the field, and they’re filled with poison or medicine.  You can tell which is which when you hover over them.  Attacking a medicine jar heals you or increases stats or something, for all units within a few spaces.  Poison harms you, brings you down to half HP, or lowers stats, again, for all units with a few spaces.  The concept of the map is to navigate through the maze by breaking the medicine pots strategically to make your way forward.  I actually really like the concept of the map.  I’m just...not entirely clear why this place, the most advanced medicinal center of the world, has a bunch of jars of poison laying out.  Or the medicine, for that matter.  You’d think they’d have a storage space for that shit, instead of leaving it lying around.  Kinda strange, when you think about it.

Anyway, Ryoma is here, but you don’t have to fight him.  You can either beat him, or escape within 16 turns.  Failure to do so probably means Elise dies, since you can’t use her this chapter because of the illness.  Saizo and Kagero are the mini-bosses, in a sense.  They hover right near that nice dragon vein that shatters all the jars, and are paired up so they’re more defensive.  Frankly, they seem kinda scary.  High speed, high evasion, able to hit close or distant foes, and having an attack on them just negated if you miss too often?  Pretty brutal.  Or, well, it would’ve been, if Dragon Corrin wasn’t huge.  She basically one-shot Saizo right away, and then massacred Kagero.  It was not even fair, frankly.  They didn’t deserve that hard an ass-whupping.

Now here’s where I want to note again: I am playing Casual.  So at this point, I made a save, and did two different approaches.  One was breaking all the jars instantly and seeing how that played out, and the other was leaving them.  Leaving them lets you be a bit more precise in your movements, but I honestly found breaking them all immediately to be way more effective.  A lot of enemies get hit with the poison, and since you’re causing the break, you can set up your units out of harm’s way.  That said, this does immediately open up the path for like 10 ranged enemy units to swarm you, and most are ninjas so your defenses drop really fast.  It’s surprisingly dangerous.  I’m sure there’s a better way to handle this map, but we’re on a timer here so instead, Dragon Corrin is just going to bait all your fuckers out and take like no damage, then have everyone else run in and smash them to death.  With that, all the remains is Ryoma.  Who is also no match for Dragon Corrin’s hugeness.  I paired her up with Nyx, and she deal something outrageous like 25 damage to Ryoma in that single hit, and took like 6.  Being a dragon is kickass.  Her dialogue with Ryoma is about the same as usual, but I did have Azura land the final blow, getting her unique dialogue with Ryoma as well.  Honestly, it’s more of the “Ah, so you’ve betrayed us Azura!” stuff, and how I guess nobody from Nohr can be trusted.

Look...I get it.  Nohr is the instigator in a war here.  They are, by all accounts, the bad guys here.  But my god if I’m not tired of having every single conversation with the Hoshidans turn into then yelling about all Nohrians being scum, and how being treacherous is just in their blood, yadda yadda.  I know I shouldn’t conceptualize it this way, but my god do the Hoshidans come off as way more belligerent.  Sure, we have the inside perspective of what the Nohrians in general are like, being inside the kingdom, but like...okay, imagine in Heroes, if everyone who met Laegjarn and Laevatein just kept shouting about how they’re horrible awful people and their whole kingdom is a bunch of back-stabbing sub-humans.  That’s basically how Hoshido approaches Nohr, solely because the king is insane and evil.  I get that they’re angry, and they’re right to be so, but their approach to people legitimately trying to act with a sense of decorum and decency is still to constantly call them scum and dismiss the whole kingdom.  Seriously, fuck you guys.

After Ryoma gets fucking bodied, Elise is given the medicine and is back to full strength!  From here we are given our next assignment.  There’s another rebellion in Cheve, and we’re to put it down.  Boy Garon, you’re sure doing a great job leading, what with the constant rebellions going on.  So, off to Cheve it is, where we meet...oh god yes.  It’s Takumi again.  Oh man, I am going to kick his ass into the fucking dirt.  He yells more stuff about Nohr being traitors and shoots Elise with an arrow, securing his death.  The rebellion is all mad and shit, and Corrin gives another order to not kill anyone.  Early on, we get two new characters, Benny and Charlotte.  Benny doesn’t stand out much at all, so not much to report.  Charlotte...is the only character whose outfit might be worse than Camilla’s.  The win still goes to Camilla, because...my god, lady.  But Charlotte is a front-line warrior, who’s barely wearing clothes.  I think I’d be less pissed if her defense growth wasn’t so high.  Look, this is a series with units in heavy armor and units in cloth armor.  There’s meant to be a distinction in which stats are good.  Her having great defense is not following the damned rules!  Also I think the armor part above the cleavage pisses me off too.  Like, if you’re going for the whole seductive appearance, go all out.  That stupid little bit of armor ain’t doin’ shit anyway.  That said though, her introduction is threatening to kill everyone for being too noisy at night, so like...I can relate.  Might be another situation of “solid character, shitty costume.”  But she sucks up to Corrin really hard, so she’s kind of all about the attention from others, and is a bit of a gold-digger in general.  So we’ll see if that goes anywhere in supports.

Map itself isn’t that interesting, so once you win, Hans, of course, does his thing and starts killing everyone.  “Uh, um...the king!  Yeah, the king totally told me to do it, so you gotta follow my lead on this one!”  Camilla apparently agrees and insists that there’s nothing we can do here.  Listen...I’m pretty sure there’s a solid argument for not listening to the current commanding officer being a punishable offense.  I get the king’s decree and all, but you know how Leo and the others constantly think around the problem and look like they’re obeying but don’t actually obey?  Yeah.  This is like...the easiest time to do that.  Evacuate the townsfolk and sticking Camilla’s axe in the back of Hans’ skull, and call it a day.  The village is gone, as far as the king knows, and Hans’ death was in battle.  They don’t know the difference.  “Oh, but Iago might be spying on them.”  Bullshit.  Iago could be doing a lot of things, but he only shows up to be slightly annoying.  Besides, if he were really so vigilant, then Leo wouldn’t be able to pull of anything he’s pulled off in the game.  We can’t throw out “Iago is watching” as a convenient catch-all for everyone, except for Leo because the plot needs to make us think that he’s the clever one so no one else is allowed to think around problems.

Chapter 14, the group arrives for some more rest in Cyrkensia, which mostly seems to be about a big theater.  It’s a neutral territory, which I wasn’t aware existed in this conflict.  Leo finally joins us and is around, I guess.  Corrin attempts to confront Garon about the situation in Cheve, and he’s just like “Good job on killing all those innocents.  I hear you even seemed to enjoy the work.  That’s the kind of thing I expect of you.”  Like, buddy.  Guy.  Are you an idiot?  You know full damn well Hans was full of shit on that report, and by now you know that Corrin wasn’t going to go along with it either.  Honestly, this is the biggest problem with Garon, he’s inconsistent.  For such a merciless guy, he sure keeps giving Corrin a ton of second chances after she constantly and consistently defies him.  Almost like...everyone’s kinda full of shit?  And that Corrin can do whatever she wants because plot armor?  Weird.

Azur-uh, the totally mysterious performer on stage, gosh-golly who could it be, attempts to sing this magic song that is too lit for the king to handle, so he has a combined orgasm/heart attack and nearly bites it.  Iago, ever the clever advisor, is like “HOLY SHIT, THAT PERFORMER CAST A CURSE ON THE KING!”  I...don’t think that’s particularly likely, guy.  But no, everyone just goes along with that, as if it’s the obvious answer.  So yeah, I guess that’s what we’re doing now.  Catch the mysterious singer.  Oh, wait, the Hoshidans are here.  Better fight them first.

Keaton shows up, mostly because he has no sense of direction and kinda just bumblefucked his way here.  He seems cool.  Wolf man that collects bugs and shit.  He’s alright.  The map itself was pretty uninteresting.  Mostly it’s just a lot of flying and ranged units on very narrow paths, so it’s kinda hard to defend everyone effectively when the enemy is so much less hindered by the terrain.  Also there’s a cleric who uses the Freeze staff, and my god am I already getting tired of that one.

After the map, Garon commands you to kill all the performers in this neutral territory, because that’ll go over well on the global stage.  Sure doubt that’ll set the neutral territories in motion against you.  Corrin is mortified and does that arguing thing, and Leo gets to be the only smart one and takes her aside, and tells her that they’re going to follow orders by looking in really unlikely places so everyone can escape.  See, this is what I’m talking about!  Iago’s literally in this general area, and yet the plan is spelled out and carried out without a hitch!  Why couldn’t anyone have figured this out back in Cheve?!

Chapter 15, this is another fun map.  Corrin is still upset about all the needless killing lately, and sees Azura taking a walk as well.  Thinking about how similar their situations are, she follows, and finds Azura sinking into a lake!  Fearful that she’s drowning, Corrin chases Azura, and falls through the lake herself, into this mystery world full of weird soldiers that are apparently not able to feel any emotion at all and just seek to kill.  Gunter shows up and is apparently alive and well here, so that’s cool.  Really, there’s a lot I can recall that pisses me off about this hidden world, but that’s for a much later time when they try to explain shit.  For now, just know that I hate this place.

The map itself is neat.  The dragon vein splits your party into two copies, one in the north and one in the south.  A unit and their copy share damage and stat changes, so anything that hurts one hurts the other.  Also only the real Azura in the north can do the singing thing.  It’s a neat concept, and having only three units to do it is an interesting limitation, but...one of them is Azura, who is very weak, and her copy can’t even provide multiple turns.  And the other is Gunter, whose stats are not terrible but who comes with no preparation and the worst growths in the entire game for some reason.  At least you get a bunch of stat upgrading items if you can clear it fully.

Now...this is where things get dumb.  Azura informs you that you must jump off this cliff, and you’ll arrive at the bottomless pit that Gunter got kicked into.  Why?  Dunno, that’s just how they’re connected.  Corrin asks why they can’t just go back through the water, and Azura informs her that only Azura and Corrin are able to do that, so Gunter would get left behind.  Corrin asks the logical follow up of “Why the hell would that be the case?” but this question is ignored so that there’s more shit they can explain in the true route.  I’d call this foreshadowing, but I think foreshadowing comes with a degree of subtlety.  Azura jumps, and Corrin follows, with Gunter going last.  Oh, I forgot something.  Azura informs them that “time flows differently in this hidden world,” which is bullshit code for “we needed a way to get Corrin and Azura alone for this next scene, so Gunter not showing up immediately with them is because the flow of time is convoluted.”  So begins the true contrivance train.  Azura uses a magic crystal from the hidden world that can show you the truth of things.  She uses this to show Corrin the truth of King Garon, that he is a weird goo monster!  Literally, he’s made of goo.  Callie didn’t believe me when I called him a goo monster, but she has since acknowledged this is the only explanation for him.  What does this mean?  No idea.  Initially, I would’ve said he was killed and replaced by the thing, but Azura further explains that her performance in Cyrkensia (*gasp* It was her the whole time?!), was to restore Garon to his senses, implying that he’s still the same human, just corrupted into...whatever this is.  Somehow.  God, I hope they can explain how the fuck this happened, but I doubt they can.  Azura explains that this song was the only way to restore him, and that it failing means there’s only one option - regicide.  About time someone on this fucking team started talking any sense.

CONTRIVANCE TWO!  Corrin says no one else would go along with this, and that they can’t tell the other siblings about this because, as Azura explained earlier, if you talk about the other world, you’re cursed and get drawn back in, never to leave.  Because if you could just talk about the problem, then this entire plot, from start to fucking finish, would be resolved in the span of like 5 minutes.  We needed a contrivance to say why they can’t just do that.  But hey, you know, Awakening’s story just wasn’t that good, and we’re here to do a better job.  They remember the Hoshidan throne, and that sitting upon it would restore someone’s true memories and shit, so their new plan is to gain Garon’s trust and have him sit atop that throne and be revealed as a good monster.  So let’s just run with that.

Chapter 16, Xander finally joins us!  He has a nice introduction with Corrin and Azura in particular, mentioning that when Azura came to Nohr, it was with Garon’s second wife, Arete.  Now...I’m confused.  So, diving into things from my last playthrough, Mikoto and Arete are siblings, from Valla.  Arete had Azura before marrying Garon, so I’m assuming that Garon must’ve already had his four kids by the time she shows up, since none of the Nohrian siblings are apparently related.  But Xander only mentions Camilla and “later, Leo” in his explanation of the other siblings liking her despite the masses not liking her.  So...when were the kids born?  Because in addition to this, apparently Elise has no memories of her father ever being a good person, which I believe happened shortly after Arete, who must’ve come in after Leo was born but maybe not before Elise?  It’s so fucking confusing.

Anyway, we’re on the direct war-path with Hoshido.  We’re told to go by sea, since they’d never expect a sea-based attack!  Garon makes some comment about outsmarting them at every turn, and it’s like...guy, listen.  I know you think this is super clever, but unless the Hoshidans are full-on dumbasses, they thought about the fact that the navy can get to them too.  Iago also attempts to be a shit, by asking where Corrin and Azura went last night.  Corrin, in the span of like two seconds, seems to have learned how to lie really well, and gives the story that they went out for a stroll, encountered some unknown soldiers, and killed them all.  She even parrots Garon’s thing about rebellion and seeds and all that.  Our girl is learning...

No sooner do you leave port than you are besieged by pirates.  Yes, pirates have snuck aboard, and are taking all the gold you set off with!  ...a few questions.  (1) Why is this gold not in your pockets?  (2) When you win, why is some of the money gone forever?  You’re at sea, and there are no pirate vessels nearby.  They all snuck aboard ahead of time, and have no exit point.  So where the hell did the money go?  This mechanic makes no sense.  I will admit though, I do like the idea of balancing keeping your characters alive, and saving as much money as you can in this kind of route where funds are limited.  It’s a cool idea, it just doesn’t make sense.  You’ll also note that the goal is “beat the boss,” but the boss isn’t present.  Part of your goal is to identify which Nohrian soldier is in disguise, and out them as the leader.  Again, really cool idea, for a fairly nonsense map.

There isn’t a ton going on with the map outside of this, but you unmake the boss, Shura, and probably kick his ass really hard now that you have Xander.  Shura talks a lot, but the only thing of value he says is that he’s the one who had kidnapped Azura as a baby, under orders from Yukimura, the tactician for Hoshido.  Shura explains that he doesn’t really have allegiance to either nation, but wants to avenge the death of his clan.  You are given the option to kill him or spare his life.  I sincerely thought about killing him, just to know what happens, but I did let him live.  Corrin thinks he deserves a break after all the shit that’s happened to him, so that’s fair I guess.  With this, we press on toward Hoshido.

UGH.  God, I knew the plot would take a downturn, and here we are.  EVERYTHING about that hidden world, Valla, is just stupid beyond words.  I hate its existence.  Even just smaller things at this point bother me.  There’s no reason Leo has to be the only one with an ounce of sense.  Hell, he even states that all the siblings have become masters of seeming to obey while making judgment calls for the greater good, yet no one else is allowed to demonstrate this ability because then Leo loses his only characteristic so far, being clever.  Honestly, the characters have been doing okay, but the plot’s holding them back.  So next time, instead of plot, I’m going to be doing the supports.  All of them.  We gotta figure out who’s getting paired up with who, after all.  So stay tuned for me going insane, because now I have to deal with Peri talking.  God...if you’re listening...please...look down upon the development team for Three Houses.  If they’re making another fucking character like Peri, where she’s just infantile and murder-happy, give them a sign that they need to knock that shit off.

[svartalfhild]

2018, I Won’t Miss You

A.k.a. I call out this year for all the ways it fucked me over and reflect on a few good experiences.

This year was the first year I’ve ever had a smart phone, which ended up being pretty damn useful, even essential at some points.  However, the counterbalance was that I had to go through finding out how to live in a post-school existence, and that was not pretty, because it put me at all new levels of social isolation and uncertainty.  I stressed super hard about finding a new job.  I ultimately didn’t get one and lost hours at my current job because I thought I was going to be transitioning to a better job at a toy store, but they laid me off only a few weeks after hiring me to replace me with someone with better availability.  They said I could stay on as a “seasonal worker” but it’s past Christmas and I haven’t been asked to fill a single shift since they benched me in September, so saying I still work there is kind of a joke at this point.

The good news is, despite the stress of failing to get a better job, I’ve added art as an occasional source of extra income, starting with doing the cover illustration for a short story my mother published earlier this year and later with opening commissions to the online community.

My mental health didn’t have a super great year, though, especially in the first half.  On top of the job bullshit and the dealing with not knowing how to live life without school, I was feeling intensely bleak about my existence.  I was in an excruciating amount of emotional pain because of things I couldn’t control, and it festered because I had the free time to ruminate about how lonely and dejected I felt.  I hadn’t felt quite that bad in several years, actually.  It’s hard to compete with the shit I was going through in middle school, but this came alarmingly close. 

I think my biggest mistake was trying to force myself to be fine again as soon as possible when it took me a couple years to get past the shit that plagued me when I was 12.  I honestly think, though, that there was a little while there from about July to late September when I was coping pretty well.  I don’t know what happened in late spring to make that happen, but I was in a state of higher functioning for a bit in the summer.

The sad thing is that here at the end of the year, I am once again struggling with the same shit; I’m just a whole lot better with how that affects my behaviour towards other people now.  I do feel like I’ve learned how to better interact with people and shield those I love from the worst of my mental health nonsense.  In turn, I think that has greatly improved my relationships and made me less prone to beating myself up over the things I say.  Progress.

And hey!  I did manage to do some pretty rad things this year, despite all the crap my physical and mental health were hefting onto me.  I got on a plane for the first time and traveled by myself to Oregon to be with some of my closest friends, who I’d only ever known through the internet before.  We went to a convention together and had a really awesome time getting our asses kicked at AtlA themed dodgeball dressed as our DnD characters.  I went through a haunted house for the first time and found out that I’m too rational to be scared by a lot of that sort of stuff (but it was still fun).  I got to go to huge bookstore and see a first American edition of Fellowship of the Ring.  I think the best part of that whole trip, though, was just living with friends and getting a taste of what life without my family’s control could be like.  For once in my life, I trusted that everyone and everything was going to be okay, and for a few days, I was really happy.  Because of that, though, I spent a lot of the day that I left crying or trying not to cry.  Having so much of what you want and then having to leave it is...really upsetting, as it turns out.

But anyway.  I also managed to complete an application to grad school, so even though my whole Find A Good Job plan didn’t work, I still took a step towards some kind of life goal and I don’t have to have a total existential crisis just yet.  I don’t have high expectations about being accepted, but I do have some hopes and that’s something I can hold onto going into next year.

A lot changed with my family this past year.  Dealing with the wake of my grandfather’s sudden death was a major issue all year that seemed almost handled until my grandmother died just a couple months ago, which threw everything back into chaos and despair.  Death and loss have been an awful theme for me this year in general.  On top of my grandparents’ deaths, my dad’s best friend committed suicide, and a friend of mine, who I know to have been suicidal in the past, completely disappeared from the internet when I wasn’t looking, and I was unable to track her down to find out if she was okay.  Other friends lost people who were dear to them as well.  The world was ravaged by increasingly terrible disasters on top of that.  Needless to say, my empathy circuits are fucking fried.

Thankfully, life handed me some pretty great distractions from its bullshit, like an awesome DnD campaign and lots of time with assorted other TTRPGs, or numerous video games like Pillars of Eternity II: Deadire, Fallout 4, and Overwatch.  Netflix brought me countless hours of enjoyment, and my brother got me to watch all of Stargate SG1 with him, which I wasn’t super into at first, but it grew on me.  I started knitting again for the first time in years, because I love knitting scarves for people.  I did a lot of fic writing, but it wasn’t really fanfiction so much as additional content for my tabletop games.  Same goes for art. 

It’s been over a year now since I’ve posted any proper fanfic or fanart, which feels weird, but I think I’ve become so exhausted with the politics of being a fan content creator that I haven’t had the motivation for it.  It’s much easier to keep your passion for something going when you don’t hope to attract the attention of thousands of people, and instead you’re making things for a story you made up with your closest friends.  The only people whose attention you need to care about then are a handful of people who are already inherently invested.

Of course, that’s not to say that I don’t get sad about my work sometimes anyway, regardless of what I’m creating and for whom.  Depression is and has been a real dick this year, and it made me procrastinate on my grad app manuscript to the point where I had to stress years off my life cramming the creation of a 10k word original short story into a single month just before the deadline.  I managed it, though, and that’s the important thing.

I don’t know what to expect from 2019 except more nonsense, because there’s always copious amounts of nonsense.  Having high expectations, given what the past few years have been like, seems rather silly at this point.  I suppose what the new year shapes up to be will largely hinge on whether I get accepted to grad school in March or not.  If I do, then it’ll be a year of big change in my life, going away to live on my own in a different state.  If I don’t, then it’ll just be More Of Same, still living with my parents, working part-time at a shit food service job, looking for a new job, and tearing my hair out trying to get everything together for more grad school applications. 

One way or the other, though, I intend to try to finally get treatment for my mental illness.  I am tired of being like this and I’m tired of having my memory and focus abilities steadily destroyed by this shit.  If anything goes right next year, let it be that.

[thehonestmommy]

The Top 10 Reasons I Love Being Pregnant

Being pregnant is not all fun and games. We are often extremely ill, unbelievably exhausted, bloated, gassy, swollen, sweaty, hungry and grumpy. And thats not even the gross stuff (if you don’t know already, i’m not telling you). But there are some seriously kick-ass things about being pregnant, too.   Here are some of my top 10 reasons why pregnancy has been super awesome for me so far, and things for all pregnant women to rejoice about! 

1. Feeling extra curvaceous 

Nothing feels more feminine and sexy to me than being curvy, and now at 5 months, i’m nothing but round shapes, and soft jiggles and I am freakin’ owning it. My husband doesn’t mind either! Bingpot. 

2. Healthy eating = healthy momma

I had a bad habit of over indulging in bad food basically all the time. Now that I’m pregnant and eating for 1.5 (my Doc says ‘you are not eating for two!’) what I eat is paramount. Since being more strict about what I eat, I notice that I am feeling much better. Plus my sugar cravings are at an all time low (good news for my upcoming gestational diabetes test). Cant say the same for salty stuff though. Oh hai blood pressure spikes and incessant thirst!

3. Sleeping whenever I want 

Okay I admit it. Even though I got my energy back in the 2nd trimester (don’t even get me started on the exhaustion of the first trimester!) I still have a rubber arm for taking naps. If the opportunity is there,  you better believe I’m layin’ down. So far, no one has called me out on that. In fact, most people are pretty forgiving for my needing a rest. So, uhh... i’ll BRB I gotta take a nap. 

4. Built in reason to go home or stay home

Much in the same vein as taking naps, I also love the built-in reason to either leave events early, or not go at all. Out drinking with friends? 9pm rolls around and I’m gonna remind you that I’m pregnant and gotta go home. Formal function that I’m not feeling into? Yeah sorry about that...i’m just not feeling well. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. 

Bonus: this is also a great ‘out’ for your partner, too. My husband is now able to say ‘ahhh I better get home to the baby Mamma....’ 

5. Being more comfortable with gaining a few pounds

I never had unbearable struggles with my weight, but its still something I need to wrangle on a daily basis. It takes work. But now, its completely acceptable (and even encouraged!) for me to gain some extra pounds. Its really liberating to feel like I not only CAN have those extra calories, but its a damn good idea! Bring on the nachos!! 

Bonus: My body has a few new back rolls and a bigger muffin top and it straight up doesn’t matter. I’m pregnant and beautiful, bitches. Deal with it.

6. The tenderness from my husband and family 

My family and my husband are nothing short of amazing lights in my life. But now that we are expecting, they are even more attentive, compassionate, caring and protective. Theres more hugs, more teary moments, more hopeful and loving conversations, and more emotional support (and way more belly touching than any man would experience in his lifetime. I just one-up’d ya, dudes). There really is a feeling of community that comes about when you’re going to become a mom, even from the people who were already a part of your inner circle. It all gets augmented. 

Bonus/drawback: Loved ones, and sometimes strangers, will attempt to protect you like your a delicate flower, because for some reason, the amazing feat of growing a damn human makes me incapable of tasks like rolling your own damn suitcase through the airport, or carrying groceries to the car (even when i park so close...see below). This drives me nuts. I’m a freaking powerhouse right now, people! I can handle it.  But I have to admit that my husband not allowing me to help him paint (even with the safe stuff), my mom waiting on me hand-and-foot when I visit her, and complete strangers offering me help has been really touching. Thanks, y’all. You sure do know how to make a pregger feel special. 

7. Baby Kicks 

It’s alive....ALIVE!!  Seriously though, I was worried this would freak me out. I’m at 22 weeks now and i’m in that sweet zone where the baby’s not strong enough to bruise my ribs, but shows me in interpretive dance that s/he really loves bacon. It’s adorable, and makes me super excited to meet our little baconator. 

8. Nesting

I’ve always loved buying new things for the house, assembling furniture (want me to help you build your IKEA furniture?) and decorating. Now, I have a WAY less selfish reason than “because I want to” for filling the house with new important items and adding renovation chores (see above: painting) to my husbands ‘Honey-do’ list. 

9. Pregnancy parking spots. 

Yeah those are just awesome. Only available for a limited time!! Get em while they’re hot!

10. The constant reminder that I am a Goddess who sustains life

Every time I look in the mirror, accidentally lean my belly on the counter when reaching for a treat, or catch a stranger steal a glance at my bump, I’m reminded that my body has changed so dramatically in the last 5 months and is actively creating and sustaining a human being. I am carrying LIFE. I am two people. I have a divine power to bring forth a child into the world, and that blows my mind over and over. I have never felt so powerful, so important, so gifted and so much self love in my entire life. Every minute of this miracle is a gift.  

[sparkinsidewrites]

Coffee Date

Title: Coffee Date

One Shot: 1/1

Character/Pairing: Adam Carson/Jade Puget

Genre: Fluff

Rating: General

Summary: It really should not have been this complicated. It was just a simple question. Any idiot could do it. So why was he having such a rough time with it?

Authors Notes/Warnings:  Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

For the hundredth time, Jade found himself cursing the reflection staring back at him. It really should not have been this complicated. It was just a simple question. Any idiot could do it. So why was he having such a rough time with it?

God, he really was getting far too old for this. Taking a deep breath and splashing a fresh round of cool water on his face, he forced himself to clear his mind. I can do this.

Flashing his best smile, Jade began, “So I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me sometime. We could…Fuck, what am I twelve? ‘Would you like to go out with me?’ Jesus why not say ‘Do you want to pin me and go steady?’”

This was never going to work. He was fooling himself when he thought he could handle this. “You know talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness.”

Jade screeched as he swirled around to face the owner of the voice. Adam’s blue eyes shone with amusement at the look of terror that flooded his friend’s eyes. “Jesus Carson! Are you trying to kill me?” The laugh that fell from Adam’s lips almost melted Jade’s anger and embarrassment at being found out. Almost. “Never mind, I thought you were supposed to be getting coffee with Hunt and Dave.”

“And leave you here by yourself, in this fragile state? What do you take me for?”

Jade bit back the retort hanging on the tip of his tongue, though the ire glowed in his eyes forcing another hearty laugh from Adam. Jade simply rolled his eyes, willing down the redness that had flooded his cheeks and praying Adam hadn’t noticed. “An annoyance?”

Adam simply rolled his eyes and chuckled again. “You love me, old man. Admit it.” He laughed harder still at the way Jade rolled his eyes. “So who are you trying to ask out? Or are you professing your undying love to yourself. If that’s the case you’re giving Dave a run for his money in the narcissism department.”

“Ha ha.” Jade shook his head, trying to think of something, anything he could say to change the topic away from his disastrous attempt at practice flirting. “Seriously, I thought you said you were going to check out the city.”

“Nice deflection.” Jade flushed once more, hating his traitorous blood vessels for giving him away. The smile that spread across his friend’s face told him that he’d been caught once more. “So, seriously, who are you practicing for?”

The curiosity in Adam’s eyes pulled Jade in and it was in that moment that he knew he was a goner. There was little anyone could do when Adam Carson turned his full charm on them. The smug bastard.

“Just someone,” Jade muttered, hoping his friend wouldn’t push. It was hard enough dealing with the fact that Adam had caught him making a fool of himself, having to admit that it was in fact Adam that he was doing this for would surely be the death of him.

Adam’s eyebrow cocked in amusement, “Does this someone have a name?” Jade ignored his question and made his way from the bathroom towards the bed that he claimed as his own. “Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.”

His friend’s goading was starting to grate his nerves. Why couldn’t Adam just leave well enough alone? It was, however, becoming abundantly clear that Adam had no plans of letting the matter go. Jade forced in a deep breath before muttering “Alex.” It was close enough to the truth.

“Alex, huh?” He watched as the wheels turned in Adam’s head and was confident that he wouldn’t make the connection. “Where did you meet him?”

Fuck. “Um, he…” Jade trailed off, trying to think of something, anything. He’d never been good at thinking on his feet in stressful situations. And this certainly qualified as a stressful situation. “He…works at the coffee shop down the street from my place. He’s got a nice smile and gorgeous eyes. Good sense of humor too.” That sounded believable enough, didn’t it?

Adam smiled, “Sounds like a nice guy.”

Jade nodded, hoping that Adam would let it go. But knowing Adam that wouldn’t be the case; he was stubborn as an ox to put in nicely. That was one of the things Jade loved about him. He was easy going and understanding but firm in his beliefs, someone that would perfectly compliment his own neurotic nature.

“So I take it you haven’t worked up the nerve to ask him out yet?” The knowing smile that spread across Adam’s face only added to Jade’s ire and embarrassment.

“Whatever gave you that idea?” Jade asked through clenched teeth.

“Chill, Puget,” Adam chuckled and Jade flushed once more. Dammit all. “I just never thought I’d see the day you’d be at a loss when it came to talking to a guy.”

“Oh ha,” Jade started, feeling his irritation raise once more, “I just…”

Adam nodded in understanding, “You don’t want to make an ass out of yourself.” Jade closed his eyes, nodding silently, Too late for that one, huh Puget? “You know what would help more than talking to yourself in the mirror?”

“Growing a pair and talking to the guy?” Jade mumbled, wanting nothing more than for the floor to open up and swallow him whole. That would have been a much more pleasant alternative than discussing this with Adam. Hell at this point just about anything would have been.

Adam’s head flew back as a hearty laugh spilled from his lips, “That wouldn’t hurt,” he started, his laughter slowly subsiding, “But seriously, having someone to practice with wouldn’t hurt.”

Jade froze for a moment before his eyes snapped up to meet Adam’s. He couldn’t be serious…Could he? “Wha-what?”

“I know you’re brighter than that, Jade. Despite the brain cells you’ve fumigated off with all that bleach.” He reached up, rubbing his hand through the blonde fringe that covered Jade’s right eye. Jade chuckled, despite himself, at Adam’s playful though backhanded compliment and his affectionate touch. “I’m saying that if you need someone to be your sounding board, I’m game.”

“What?” Jade startled again. There had to be something wrong with his hearing. Maybe Adam had hit his head before coming up to see him. Something wasn’t right.

“You heard me.”

Jade blinked several times before finding words enough to speak, “So you’re saying you want me to pretend you’re Alex and ask you what I want to ask him?” Adam nodded, watching the wheels begin to turn in Jade’s head. In the back of his mind, Jade knew this could turn out to be a very, very bad idea.

But this could be his one chance to tell Adam what he’d always wanted to and have his feedback and response. Well technically it would be “Alex’s” response, but Jade had to admit it was tempting. “I…I guess.”

Adam smiled, moving to sit on the bed across from Jade’s. “Fire at will.”

Jade sat up a little straighter and cleared his throat, now suddenly at a loss for words. Was he really going to do this? Really going to ask Adam what he’d wanted to ask since practically the first time they’d met under the guise of helping him talk to fictional Alex? How pathetic can a man actually get?

“If you’re uncomfortable, we don’t have to do this,” Adam reassured. The small voice in the back of Jade’s mind screamed at him to take the opportunity Adam had just offered him and run like hell. That would be a lot less embarrassing. But he forced himself to shake those thoughts away. For once in his life he refused to be the coward. Not that telling Adam under false pretenses was the height of bravery, but it was better than running straight for the hills as he’d done so often in the past.

Clearing his throat, Jade forced himself to respond. “No, no, its fine. It’s just…a little strange….Well not that you’re strange, just that…I’m just shutting up now.” Once again scarlet flushed rampantly across the burning skin of his face. He wasn’t meant to do this with any amount of dignity it seemed. “Can we start over?”

Adam nodded through his fit of laughter, hiding his face in his arm at one point in a vain attempt to stifle it. He waved his free hand at Jade, signaling that it was fine for him to continue. Jade sat for a few moments more, trying to gather his wits about him. He could do this.

“Hey Jade! Your usual for today?”

Jade jumped slightly, he would be surprised if Adam didn’t think him a complete nut case at this point. It took him a moment to catch onto Adam’s…“Alex’s” lead. “Um, yeah. That would be great.” He kicked his heels against the frame of the bed, this was just going swimmingly.

Adam quirked an eyebrow at the man sitting before him and continued on with the charade, pretending to hand Jade a cup. “So, anything new going on with you?”

Taking the ‘cup’, Jade smiled nervously, “No…Not really.” God, maybe he would have had better luck just sticking with the mirror. “So um…Are you seeing anyone?” As soon as the words had left his lips, Jade felt the strong urge to bang his head against the bedside table. Really, genius? That was the best you could come up with?

He had to give it to Adam, the man kept a straight face at that question, though he knew it had to be quite the effort. He could see his shoulders shaking with the strain of composure. “No. You interested?”

“That’s a bit forward, don’t you think, Ad?”

Adam rolled his eyes, “You’re the one who agreed to my help. Take it or leave it, pal.”

“Fine,” Jade groaned, forcing himself to get back into character. “Maybe?” He batted his eyelashes for effect, secretly loving the smile and laughter they brought to Adam’s face.

“Well then,” Adam paused, looking down for a moment before meeting Jade’s gaze, “That certainly changes things.”

Jade sat perplexed for a moment, staring blankly at Adam. He had no idea where this was headed. Adam was supposed to be helping him. Or well technically unknowingly fulfilling his fantasy, but that was food for thought for another day.

“…Depends on what you are interested in.” Adam’s voice broke through his thoughts, though he only managed to catch less than half of them.

“What?”

Adam smiled, “I said it turns out I am available but it depends on what you are interested in.”

Jade swallowed audibly, “Um…Dinner…with me.” He could hear the warning bells ringing in his head; Mayday! Mayday! This was going from bad to worse and Jade had no idea how to back pedal out of it.

Unconsciously, his fingers began to pick at the blue duvet that covered his bed. Another nervous habit he couldn’t shake and one he knew Adam would pick up on. It was impossible to spend so many hours with a person over the years and not know when they were inches from a nervous breakdown.

To his credit, Adam didn’t say a word about Jade’s actions; Jade hoping he chalked it up to the weirdness of the situation and nothing more. He smiled reassuringly at Jade, “That would be nice. What did you have in mind?”

“Do you like Chinese?” That was better, more assured. A sliver of relief rushed through him and he allowed himself to relax his shoulders and smile, albeit weakly. Adam nodded and Jade’s smile spread. “Good. So um, would seven on Wednesday work for you?”

“Wednesday would be perfect.” His warm smile was echoed on Jade’s face. “See, it’s really not that hard.”

Jade nodded silently, letting his mind wander ever so slightly to the admittedly and unrealistically hopeful idea that he might actually be taking Adam to dinner on Wednesday or any other day. It was silly, Jade was well aware of that, but it pulled a hopeful smile to his face.

“Jade?” Adam’s voice broke through the haze of Jade’s thoughts.

“Hm?”

“Do you think you can work up the balls to ask me for real this time?”

Jade’s eyes snapped open and locked on Adam. “What?” He managed to mumble, quite certain he once again had misheard or misinterpreted at the very least, his friend’s words. His heart pounded erratically against his chest. His gaze quickly dropped to his lap and he fought to regain his sanity and composure. God, he had to be losing it.

Silently, Adam pushed himself up from his bed and moved to settle beside Jade’s tense form. His fingers traced the underside of Jade’s jaw, turning his face up so that Jade was now looking him directly in his eyes. “You heard me.”

“But…” Adam silenced Jade’s question with a calloused finger to his lips. Jade fought the involuntary shiver that coursed through him at the touch. Removing his finger slowly, Adam leaned forward. His warm breath tickled Jade’s face, forcing his eyes to close despite a valiant fight to keep them open.

Their lips pressed gently together and Jade was in heaven. He was sure there was nothing in this world that could ever feel as good as Adam’s lips against his. His arms wrapped lazily around Adam’s broad shoulders and he allowed himself to sink into the kiss. Jade’s eyes remained tightly sealed as he felt Adam pulling slowly away from him. He could feel the warm heat of Adam’s breath against his skin and he involuntarily shivered.

“So are we still on for dinner?”

“If you keep kissing me like, Carson, you can have whatever the fuck you want.”

[phin-dicated]

Why I’m Angry About Akechi (spoilers)

I beat Persona 5 the other day and I’ve been doing nothing but stewing over the details and little things that bothered me. Yes, it was a fantastic game. But I’m going to delve into one specific issue that bothered me; Goro Akechi. Spoilers below, proceed at your own risk.

So I’ll be honest, I went through a wide range of emotions concerning this character. I liked him from the get-go, didn’t trust him at all, secretly hated Atlus that yet another hot guy had been shoved in my hetero-protag’s face and ultimately sobbed hysterically over his story. I haven’t been this invested since Aerith died, dead god.

But let’s talk about what pissed me, and hopefully you, off about this maniac. Akechi was a foil to Akira, we all know this. His whole purpose was to be a mirrored image of Akira’s recklessness and how it’s held without a support structure. That’s fine, and it was done well. His entire battle scene is just one long self-doubt, self-hate drawn out madness that made me want to curl into a ball and die. Was Akechi a good person? Not really. Did he do terrible things? Absolutely. Was he in his right mind through most of it? Most signs point to no. Am I going to tell you he did no wrong? No, he most certainly did, but it’s a little more complex than that.

So my first beef comes with the discussion that Akechi was, in fact, mentally ill. It isn’t that hard to see, especially if you wander through your NG+ and pay attention. The kid was raised specifically to become what he was thanks to some dumbass god with a gambling problem. He goes through the entire game alone, only being shown with people in regard to his popularity, or lack there of. We don’t know at the time, but Akechi is hiding everything about himself to everyone around him. The only time we see him actually speaking with someone genuinely (as close as you can get) is Akira. He seems to only open up when it comes to Akira. I can’t even imagine the sheer amount of loneliness this child must have endured BEFORE his run in with Shido, much less after, but I have to wonder if Akechi didn’t see parts of his own personality in Akira.

And then we do what we do to every single mentally ill character in anything ever; we freaking kill them.

Now, normally this wouldn’t even be an issue for me. Characters die in games all the time, only those deaths typically seem to MEAN something. Aerith’s death causes Cloud to move forward and become a better person (if not getting lost a little on the way), Shinji’s death in 3 helped build characters, especially Akihiko, and help them grow as people. Akechi’s? Well it made for a good cry fest.

My second issue with Akechi is how poorly his character was handled. He was written so interestingly and all of that went to waste in a mere moment. I was fine with his entire scene, the battle, everything I could choose. It was very interesting to have options that made Akira reach for Akechi, or tell him he’d be okay. Your party’s interactions were great, just EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL THAT GODDAMN COGNITION SHOWED UP.

I’m sorry, but it is bad enough that you have this character struggling with himself and the horrible things he’s done, trying to understand why these people WHO HE’S BETRAYED and even SHOT IN THE FACE would want him around, and then you go and have him shoot himself?? That line “You’re all beyond my comprehension?” Yea from a life of solitude and rejection that’d be out of my comprehension too. But c’mon Atlus. You do not show a mentally ill person, struggling with their own inner issues, lose to themselves. You don’t, you just, like that is a LEGITIMATE fear among people. Now you could argue that he won in the end, sure. But people, he died. He still got shot by something that looked like him, sounded like him and said the meanest words he was probably thinking himself. And he died.

I was so angry and I can’t stop being angry about it because none of it made any sense to me. His death doesn’t prove anything, it doesn’t help anyone grow, it doesn’t even tie up loose strings. It just happens and it’s gone. Just like Akechi. I figured that would change as the game went on but oh ho ho was I wrong. Not only is he barely ever mentioned again, no one even acknowledges his death outside of the party. Sae mentions he’s disappeared at one point which you can’t respond to unless you’re like me and you’re screaming at the television because apparently no one in this game has the common decency to say he flippin died. Oh wait, I guess it wouldn’t matter right? Who would they tell? Not like he had a family or friends. Ouch. I hope you’re hurting as much as I am.

Another point: You can’t possibly expect me to believe that Akira wouldn’t have summoned (insert strength Persona here) to knock that wall down and rescue Goro’s sorry ass. Akria is just as reckless and had it been anyone else in there he’d have caught the whole damn place on fire. You can’t tell me he just stood there with his hands in his pockets like “Yea okay.” Because Akechi wasn’t his teammate, but he damn well could have been. That’s not Akira’s justice.

Akechi’s death irritated the ever-loving shit out of me because it doesn’t do anything. He died to tug on your heart strings, or not, because I guess you could hate him for being a douche the whole game? So then it proves even less for those people. I thought that his story, the fact that he was also a wild card holder, would become important for end game and it just wasn’t. I thought I’d see some remnant of him, even a freaking death imagine, at the end since he was a maxed social link, but nothing.

Overall, in my opinion, Atlus dropped the ball with this character who had, dare I say it, infinite potential. But that, again, is just my opinion.

[jinjikook]

Sugar Sweet | 4 | (M) [Discontinued]

word count: 9k (god damn it’s more than the first chapter!!)

genre: smut + fluff + slight angst; college AU + fuckboy!kihyun

pairing: reader/kihyun

summary: your best friend & roommate changkyun just wanted to help get you laid. instead you found solace in a pink haired man named kihyun who had a smart mouth with sharp words you weren’t afraid to let cut you, as long as he didn’t mind you hurting him a little too.

a/n: i just really wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who’s been with me as i’ve written SS so far & all the gorgeous people who sent cute asks & beautiful compliments on the series. it really makes me so happy to see people enjoying my works. don’t fret my loves, this is nowhere near ending even though lots of things happen this chapter. expect a lot more to come, i love you all  ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 

masterlist

fuck boi #1 [6:04 PM]: baby girl?

fuck boi #1 [6:04 PM]: where are you???

You hated yourself.

Thinking you had enough time between Kihyun’s last menacing text and your little meet-up, you decided to relax with a few reruns of your favorite show. To which you eventually dozed off watching and woke up to several vibrations of your phone plastered against your cheek. Groggily waking up to the sensations, you’re met with an all too bright phone screen buzzing to life with a dozen notifications, all but one from Kihyun himself.

One small glance at the time had your eyes popping out of your head and your heart dropping. It was a few minutes past 6, and here you were still in what you wore to the laundromat. Launching immediately from your spot on the couch, you don’t even think about responding to Kihyun’s texts; choosing to rush and make yourself decent before you were far too late. Hastily picking out a simple flowy dress that had a cut-out in the midline that you thought was not only very pretty but also appropriate for a mall “date”.

(You internally cringed at the thought, you weren’t actually going on a date with Kihyun. This was just a game, nothing more. It’d end inevitably with you two in bed and regrets floating in your thoughts amongst a pleasurable high after yet another round with your mortal enemy.)

Your make-up took a toll, having to stick to natural shades and light flicks of eyeliner in order to make yourself look more done up. Nearly forgetting to brush your teeth, you finish up with a minty mouthwash and check yourself out in the mirror, tucking fly away hairs behind your ear and patting down the wilder parts of your locks.  Choosing a berry pink lipstick, you layered a flavored lip balm with it, in any case that you end up lip-locking with the pink devil himself. A few sprays of your most seductive perfume that you knew would have him down on his knees in an instant and you were sure you were ready. As ready as you could get in less than 30 minutes.  

Returning to your phone that you left on your sofa, you’re met with a million more texts from Kihyun, all growing with more anticipation and fear as they continue.

fuckboi #1 [6:16 PM]: y/n this really isn’t funny.

fuckboi #1 [6:16 PM]: please stop playing around and answer me

fuckboi #1 [6:17 PM]: I really hope you’re not standing me up

fuckboi #1 [6:17 PM]: because that would be beyond fucked up and I really thought you were better than that

fuckboi #1 [6:18 PM]: even I know that’s an asshole move

fuckboi #1 [6:19 PM]: …

fuckboi #1 [6:19 PM]: baby girl, if this I about earlier I’m really sorry

fuckboi #1 [6:19 PM]: please don’t leave me hanging

fuckboi #1 [6:20 PM]: ill buy you anything you want, just please hurry up and come be by my side

fuckboi #1 [6:21 PM]: we can forget all about the game if that’s what’s keeping you

fuckboi #1 [6:22 PM]: done, the game is gone. poof vanished into thin air, all in the past

fuckboi #1 [6:23 PM]: baby, don’t make me stay here all by myself

fuckboi #1 [6:23 PM]: fuck it maybe I’ll just go home

fuckboi #1 [6:24 PM]: or maybe I’ll leave with another girl, since its apparently over with us

fuckboi #1 [6:24 PM]: whatever it was we had

fuckboi #1 [6:25 PM]: fuck baby, you’ve got me wrecked

fuckboi #1 [6:25 PM]: I already know if I leave here with someone else, it’s still gonna be you on my mind

fuckboi #1 [6:26 PM]: as much as that scares me, it’s the truth sweetheart.

His words shook you to the bone, seeming to be genuine in his guilt from his earlier actions. You wanted to tell him it was okay, that he shouldn’t be so down. This was supposed to be just a simple game, foreplay really. But here he was making you feel something more than just lust and sex and base-instinct arousal all because you weren’t responding to his texts. Was he ever like this with anyone else?

you’ve got me wrecked

A deep sigh left you mouth, deeming it your responsibility to clean up the mess you made. Choosing to call him instead of sending a mass apology text, you’re met with several rings. You genuinely thought he’d have picked up the phone in an instant, his constant slew of messages making you think he was attached to his phone like a Siamese twin.

Finally, after what felt like ages, you’re met with his voice. Though it was a lot more relaxed than you expected.

“Hello?” Kihyun spoke, voice low and almost murmured; bored like.

“Kihyun? Listen, I’m super sorry but—“

“Save it, if you’re cancelling I’d rather just hang up now and forget all about it.”

“No!” You shouted, Kihyun jumping at the shrill interruption on the other end of his receiver. He paused and waited for you to continue though you were certainly not ready because suddenly all the thoughts you had so carefully organized to phrase your apology to Kihyun were derailed with his stupid interruption and sadness. Clearing your throat, you hoped your voice was a lot stronger than it felt to use, “I’m not cancelling or anything like that. I’m running late okay?”

He scoffed in disbelief, “Late? Really? What kind of half-assed excuse is that Y/N?”

“It’s not an excuse! I fell asleep watching TV and I just finished getting ready, I’m heading out the door now.” You explained as you grabbed your keys and made sure you had your wallet in your purse as you stepped out the front door of your apartment, locking it behind yourself.

“Oh is that so? So you couldn’t even respond to any of my texts? Let me guess, your phone died? Maybe it was stolen by some mean muggers? Maybe on your way home you—“

“Kihyun, shut the fuck up.” Your stern voice made Kihyun stop, wondering who the hell you thought you were talking to. “If you would just listen to me, maybe you’d finally be able to get your damn head out of your ass and see that I’m not lying. I was rushing to get ready so I wouldn’t be any later so I chose to not take any more time by apologizing by text and responding to your messages. That’s why I called you, dipshit.”

Kihyun’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, gasping for air. He was at a loss of words, feeling like an even bigger ass for accusing you so harshly and not even letting you explain yourself. He had to admit, he was disappointed find himself alone in the mall’s food court and have 0 texts from you to explain it all. But he shouldn’t have reacted the way he did, sure he just took a huge step back in whatever relationship you two were in.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. Whatever, I’ll forgive your rudeness because of how late I am, deal?”

Kihyun’s heart skipped a beat or two at the thought of being forgiven so easily, mending the rift he had thought he’d made between the two of you.

“Yeah, we’re even.”

Choosing to ignore the content of his texts, you thought it’d be better if you just didn’t bring them up. After all, you’re not sure if you could handle whatever answers he had for you. Whether they were good or bad. Especially since you couldn’t tell which news you’d actually find good.

It took you roughly 14 minutes of bribing your Uber driver to go a few miles over the speed limit and probably cutting off more people than you have in your entire life but you make it to the mall in one piece.  You nearly sprint out of the car, remembering to thank your driver halfway to the mall’s front entrance. You took in a deep gulp of cold air-conditioned air, goosebumps rising to the surface of your skin in what you assumed was the change of temperature but was probably because of how nervous you suddenly got.

Taking the escalator up to the second floor where the food court was located, you kept your eyes fixed on your phone screen as you texted Kihyun.

You [6:46 PM]: hey I’m here, where are you?

Little did you know, Kihyun already knew you were here. He caught a glimpse of you from his seat by a railing, watching you hurriedly make your way to the escalator in your cute little dress. He watched you tap away at your phone screen only to have his phone chime from the table in front of him. He smiled at the screen, deciding he deserved to have a little fun too. It was only fair since you had made him wait so long.

fuckboi #1 [6:47 PM]: idk, where am i?

You [6:47 PM]: this isn’t funny Kihyun, seriously where are you

Chuckling to himself, he decided to throw you a bone.

fuckboi #1 [6:48 PM]: baby, you look really nice

fuckboi #1 [6:48 PM]: such a pretty dress

fuckboi #1 [6:49 PM]: if it made you late because you were deciding what to wear, I’m totally cool with it because bravo

You [6:49PM]: where the fuck are you that you can see me????

Kihyun chuckled in amusement at watching your confused face whirling around as you reached the top of the escalator, trying to locate you with an angry pout on your lips.

fuckboi #1 [6:50 PM]: don’t pout like that, it makes you too cute for me to handle

Eyes whipping back to your phone as it vibrated in your hands once more, you groaned in frustration at Kihyun’s teasing texts. Why couldn’t he just say where he was so you could get this game over with already? Kihyun found it all so endearing, watching you text more furiously the more you played with you. He awaited for your next slew of texts only to find his phone vibrating longer than a text tone would and seeing your nickname on his caller ID. You were calling him, much like earlier.

“Yes?” Kihyun answered, voice a teasing drawl that made your skin crawl in both anger and arousal. You couldn’t decide if you wanted to fight him or fuck him.

“Listen here asshole, I did not get ready at the speed of light for you to fuck around with me. Where the hell are you?” You nearly shouted, spinning around and looking dumbly all over the food court for his stupidly smug face.

“Are you gonna be a good girl today?” He smirked.

“Pardon?”

“I said: are you gonna be a good girl today? Because if not, you can just forget about this whole thing.”

“Weren’t you the one who was just begging to get me to come just so your sad self wouldn’t be all alone? I have the receipts, I will expose your ass Yoo Kihyun.”

“How do you know my last name?” Kihyun swiftly changed the subject, trying to avoid the topic of his soft spot for you and how he let his words get the best of him and his emotions.

You sputtered as you searched for a half-coherent answer, not wanting to admit that after meeting him with Changkyun you were too curious about him and asked around; as casually as one could. It earned a few questions along the way but you’d discovered his name was Yoo Kihyun, an exchange student from an incredibly prestigious college from up north who had transferred because of a business deal that’d allow him to work in his field before he even graduated. A golden opportunity, for sure.

He was awarded for his amazing singing skills, something you picked up on from day one. He also was apparently a perfect citizen, always volunteering at charities and raising money for them. Despite his active sex life that left plenty of women (and some men) heartbroken, he still managed to keep a clean profile.

You wanted to hate every little aspect on him, wishing that your research had brought some serious tea to light but instead it gave you less reasons to hate him other than his treatment of his partners.

“Well? Are you just gonna keep standing there all pretty or are you gonna answer my question?” Kihyun asked, watching in amusement at your now frozen state by the top of the escalator. You were trying to come with a decent excuse, something that didn’t scream ‘I’m a creep who actually wanted to know more about you’, knowing that would stoke his ego into a burning bonfire that would consume you by the end of the day. You’d rather not get burned, having dealt with things like this before. It’s why you didn’t want to get tangled up with the likes of him, knowing you’d let things get too far and soon you’ll be jumping off the deep end, hoping he’d be there to catch you. Unfortunately, no one has ever kept you afloat, always losing interest and leaving you to sink away in the depths of your own despair; wallowing in self-pity became your new hobby after dealing with so many shit guys.

“Y/N? You good?” Your ears picked up on the soft syllables coming from Kihyun’s mouth, noticing the smooth sharpness that couldn’t be transferred through a phone. You’d heard his voice, straight from the source. Turning to follow where you heard the gentle timbre, you’re finally met with Kihyun sitting at a table with his eyes directly on you. His open mouth stretched wide into a bright smile; the one that you knew had the intensity of the sun itself and quite frankly, you never realized how you were already burned from the start. Once those pearly-whites shot in your direction, he already had you under his lock and key. You’d do whatever he asked not because of the control he thought he had over every woman, but because he had already seized control over you; solely you.

“Took you long enough, babe. C’mon, mall’s not gonna stay open forever ya’ know.” He drawled, letting his lisp appear once more. It was endearing to you, something that you’d normally use against a person like him to bring anger and embarrassment to his features but instead it became yet another aspect that had you utterly entranced with the pink-haired man.

You slowly let your hand drop from holding your phone up to you ear, mind too numb to even press ‘end call’ on the screen and instead began padding over to Kihyun. One thing was on you mind and one thing only:

Kihyun.

He watched as you briskly walked towards him, target in sight while he knew none the wiser of your intentions. His mouth opened as he began to greet you in person, not realizing how quickly you’d stalked up to him and how you had no intention of stopping. He only froze his running mouth when you wrapped your fingers around the denim jacket that hung off his frame, digits tight around his collar as you yanked him down roughly. Your lips met in a passionate kiss, one-sided for merely a moment as Kihyun was taken aback by not only your bold move but his inability to have seen it coming. A heartbeat later and he already had his hands on your waist, gripping tight as your mouths moved against each other in rhythm with your pounding pulses.

One of Kihyun’s hands slid to the small of your back, fingers teasing along the cut-out on the midsection of your dress. The cold sensation of the pads of his fingers against your skin drew goosebumps and trembles to the surface—a small whimper ghosting across his lips as you pulled away to lock eyes with him. There was passion, desperation and something more you couldn’t pinpoint when you looked deep into his brown orbs. Kihyun breathed a chuckle, fanning over your mouth as he finally pulled his face away from yours but kept his hands anchored to your body.

“Damn. You really know how to take a guy’s breath away huh?” He chuckled breathily, sounding like he truly had no air left in his lungs. You suddenly felt anxious, realizing what you’d done.  “Does this mean you forfeit?” Kihyun asked while letting his fingers roam gently around your waistline once more.

“N-no.” You cleared your throat, needing to get yourself back in check after letting go of your self-control for far too long. “That was just a formal apology for being late. The game starts now, so hands off mister.” You grabbed at his wrists and pulled his grabby hands of you, a faint pout lined Kihyun’s pretty lips and you had half a mind to put them back and let him have his way. But that was precisely what he wanted, to make you want to give in and let him win. That was not on your agenda today, and you were going to make sure you left today with a win under your thumbs.

“First off, we need to set some ground rules.”

“Rules? Baby, you really know how to suck the fun out of everything.” He pouted for real this time.

“Isn’t that something you like about me though?” You smirked and giggled at the innuendo you made, silently giving yourself a point on an invisible score board for your creativity. “Anyways, rules: 1. No touching. If you willingly touch the other player, you’re instantly disqualified and you lose.”

“But touching is the best part!” Kihyun whined, seemingly finding the game less and less fun as you began to add asterisks to everything he was hoping to exploit. You found the rule a little strict as well, seeing as the whole point was to tease each other until one of you broke and gave in.

“Fine, no touching with malicious intent. Meaning I’m not allowed to straight up grab your dick or anything and you can’t just paw at me and fondle to your heart’s content.” Kihyun seemed to agree more with that rule, allowing him the wiggle room he needed to have an advantage in the game.

“Secondly, no one’s allowed to say anything about the game. It’s supposed to look to like two people having a good old-fashioned time in the mall. Not like we’re trying to get each other to cream in our pants.” Your bold choice of words shocked Kihyun, leaving him speechless and letting you finish off your tangent with one last rule. “And finally, the winner get a non-negotiable prize; whatever it is they want cannot be denied. Unless it’s something illegal or some shit like that.” You shuddered at the thought of losing and Kihyun forcing you to go streaking or something of that nature. Knowing him, you wouldn’t put it past him.

“Alright I can live with those terms. As long as you’re ready to be my little sex slave once I win.” You fake gagged and watched as he laughed at you reaction. Finally having set the ground rules, Kihyun reached for your hand and began to lead you away from the food court towards the bowling alley that was on the other side of the second floor. Once you two got there, you didn’t even get a chance to protest before Kihyun was already sliding a card over to the teenage employee behind the counter, asking for a game for the two of you at one of the open lanes. There honestly wasn’t many people there to being with so you were seated with rental shoes in hand pretty quickly.

Soon you were lacing up the godawful bowling shoes you had to rent, the disgusting maroon and black clashed against each other in a pattern of tacky stripes. It clashed horribly with your outfit but Kihyun still found you unbelievably cute in the entire ensemble. You stepped up to the small monitor that was at the front right before the bowling ball return, already having chosen the proper weights for your own bowling balls. You’d gone for two 8-pound green balls and dark blue 9-pound. Kihyun oddly enough grabbed a seriously light 5-pound ball that was colored in resemblance to his hair along with a 7-pound orange ball and a 10-pound purple ball. The weight choice was odd in itself, never mind that Kihyun had to ask an attendant for the 5-pounder because it was actually meant for weaker folk or younger children.

The game was turned on by someone behind the counter and the screen flashed to life with the option to fill in names for the two players. Next to your empty scorecard, you began to punch in the letters to your name before Kihyun hovered over your shoulder and tsked straight into your ear, scaring you nearly half to death.

“You’re so boring Y/N. Here, let me pick your name and you pick mine. No peeking.” He nudged you aside and you rolled your eyes before walking away to secure one of the laces on your shoe that came loose. Turning back to face the screen, you found a nickname right where your name should be.

Baby Girl

Hilariously uncreative, you weren’t sure what you were expecting of Kihyun. Not like him to be artistic with his names, you figured it was better than some lewd name that’d cause people to ogle at you two oddly for choosing to put that on a public monitor for everyone to see.  He smirked at you as if he was a genius for choosing your name and you just shook your head in response, shoving him away and gesturing for him to turn around. He poked your side, much like a child would tease his first crush and then stepped up to where your bowling balls were all aligned on the rack. He fiddled with one, spinning it in its place before moving on to the one next to it and tapping an absent minded rhythm against its seemingly hollow carcass.

You pondered for a moment, trying to decide between embarrassing him like you had done earlier with his contact name or would you stoop as low as he did, picking something more with a double entendre? The option of going with the “baby” theme made you want to put down ‘baby dick’ but you had solid evidence that that was certainly not him at all. It was truly difficult, you didn’t have the nerves or the experience with names like these. You certainly weren’t like Kihyun, who spewed baby’s and love’s like it was his first instinct. You lacked the ability to say things like that and so here you were, at a bowling alley in the local shopping mall and all you could think of was that god damn name you thought about earlier.

Mumbling a low fuck it, you go with it and punch in the letters, hoping it wouldn’t limit you since it was rather lengthy. Being just the right amount of letters, you hit enter and looked up at the TV screen that hung over the front of your ball return, displaying the two blank scorecards with your corresponding names.

Baby Girl and Cotton Candy

It rang something domestic, bordering on cute even. The thought made you smile even if it was just for a brief moment before your mind caught up with you, scolding you for letting yourself think this was anything more than some sex game between the two of you. He didn’t call you baby girl because you were his, he called you that because it made him feel in control. It was probably what he called all his “toys”; an easy way to avoid fucking up names and accidentally calling one another’s name.

Kihyun caught a glimpse of the screen and burst out in a fit of laughter, hand coming up to cover his mouth as more laughter overtook him. You looked at him in confusion. Was he laughing at you? You thought as he wiped the moisture away from his eyes that built up with his boisterous laughs.

“Sweetheart, you’re so fucking cute. Cotton Candy? Is that because of my hair? Or because I melt in your mouth?”

“I knew it!” You shouted triumphantly, scaring Kihyun into falling back on one of the seats for your lane. His surprised expression made you laugh and he joined in, fits of giggles erupting from the two of you for what felt like minutes.

“I knew you’d say that; you’re so predictable.” You puckered your lips at him in mock confidence and he pretended to bite at your mouth seductively, something that a boyfriend might do with his girlfriend. You let him finish off the settings for the game before he gestured for you to start the game. With a smile, you walked up to the lane and reached for one of the green 8-pound balls you’d grabbed earlier.

Thinking you’d just toss the ball and get the first turn over with, you’re met with arms encircling your waist and a solid presence settling behind you as hot breath fanned over your ear.

Kihyun whispered sweetly into your ear, “Baby, let me help you,” before letting his hands graze along the length of your arms, leaving trails of shivers in his wake. It felt ice cold yet left you tingling as if he burned the very skin he passed over. His hands landed right over your own where you were clutching the bright lime ball, hugging it close to your frame. Digits overlapping your own, they fell into place in-between the gaps of your own fingers. He tightened his grip and silenced your tremors, not even realizing that you were shaking at his mere proximity to you.

He cooed in your ear, a tender rumbling that made you shut your eyes and count to 3 before trying to power through. He was trying to break you, that’s all. You were stronger than this; stronger than him.

One deep breath later, you re-opened your eyes and focused on the bowling pins straight ahead. Forget about Kihyun and his warm body against your exposed shoulders. Forget about his soft hands on top of your own. Forget about his sickeningly sweet syllables slurring into your ear, making your spine tingle with every move of his mouth. You brought the ball to your side, cutting off Kihyun’s hands from you and ran forward while rolling the ball, watching as it started more on the right but curved slightly, making it hit smack in the middle and knock down all but one pin in a fluid and powerful strike.

You turn and smile triumphantly at Kihyun, sashaying your way back the seats.

“I’m gonna go ahead and take credit for that one, I totally helped you out. Plus, I’m like a good luck charm.”

You scoffed, “For whom?” Settling back into a seat, you watched as Kihyun grabbed his ball, ready to roll his first turn on the lane next to yours. He chose the tangerine colored 7-pounder, letting the ball shift in-between his two hands as he got a feel for its weight. He approached the front of the lane and prepared his position before turning his head and flashing you a golden trademark smirk and wink, following up with a solid roll that went straight down the middle like a pin-straight arrow. It loudly crashed against the front of the formation of pins, a domino effect taking place as one pin after another fell until no more stood at the end of the polished lane.

You’re sure your jaw dropped, not even knowing how wickedly good he was at bowling. That was something his student profile failed to inform you of. He turned from the lane and strode confidently back to the seats, a smirk plastered on his face. His eyebrows cocked up, as if to challenge you. Sure, you weren’t anything special in the sport but you sure as hell weren’t going to help inflate Kihyun’s ego any more than it already was. Ignoring his presence, you stepped around his and approached the ball return, choosing the other lime green ball and prepared at the front of the lane.

This time you were free of distractions, no touchy and clingy boy-toy on your back to keep you from whooping ass. You lined up the shot and rolled the ball with finesse, watching it take a slight curve that was supposed to travel straight to the last remaining pin on the left side of the lane. Unfortunately, the curve was cut just a tad short, making it fly right past the pin without even so much as grazing it. You refused to turn around and face Kihyun’s undoubtedly smug expression at his success and your failure.

“Aw love, it’s alright. Want a kiss to feel better?” His voice rang behind you, dripping in laced confidence. It was sharp, poisonous even; but you wanted to take a bite of the forbidden fruit he was dangling in front of your face. But temptation would have to wait, this game was much more important. Not the bowling match, but the tension game you had so stupidly agreed to.

“That’s alright, it’ll be you striking out later so I’m good with losing this now.” You glided past him as you flipped your hair, exuding an air of smugness that you hoped covered just how worried you were at you lack of self-control already diminishing to near non-existent in such a short amount of time. He simply shook his head and continued with his turn.

Several uneventful rounds later, you were at the end, Kihyun clearly about to win while you were just trying to keep your sanity with all the fleeting touches here and there that singed the very surface of your skin. You had come up for your final turn, taking the dark blue 9-pounder and wondering just how you’d get out of today unscathed.

Before you could step away from the ball return with your choice in hand, Kihyun came up behind you much like the first toss. The entirety of the game he had only grazed you with a touch here or there, nothing as bold or close as the initial round where he essentially plastered himself against your back. So you found it odd that he was going for such closeness once more. He brushed up against your rear and you felt something that was no doubt unmistakable in size. His voice returned to the shell of your ear, making the cold skin grow hot with every puff of air as he spoke, “Sorry about that, your sweet little ass is just in the way all the time.” He left you with those words embedded deep in your mind and you found it extremely hard to focus on the task at hand any longer than a few seconds at a time. You figured this was his intention, though why he even tried when you were no doubt going to lose, you had no idea.

The last roll was half-assed at best, your mind far too frazzled and fried to worry about any kind accuracy when it came to hitting any pins. You already turned and accepted the fate of being a loser, no doubt getting the ball in the gutter on your last roll. But when you were walking back towards Kihyun, you watched as he stretched and strained to look around your frame, towards the bowling lane. His eyes widened and he shouted, arms flying up as he ran to pick you and twirl you around.

“Oh my god Y/N, that was incredible!” He began, still holding you in his arms. “It took a wicked curve and hit a full strike, it was beautiful!” His smile was wide and you totally ignored how his hands felt cradling your body against his, instead choosing to indulge in the minimal high you felt with the close proximity combined with your happiness from finally getting a strike for the first time in the entire match.  

Kihyun expressed his excitement for another minute or two before rolling decent throws on his end and obviously winning the game. He offered to buy ice cream for the two of you as a consolation prize and you agreed to it, telling him you’d get to pick the flavor as long as he got to choose the toppings.

Sitting at a small table at the ice cream parlor inside the even smaller bowling alley, the two of you actually got to have decent conversation. Midway through a story, you laugh loudly at yet another detail to Kihyun’s hilarious story at the beach with his friends.

“No no, I’m serious! We dared him to go in and he just bolted! It was freezing cold and here he was, laying and splashing around in the water.” Kihyun laughed in-between details, unable to contain how funny the situation really was. The ice cream was long forgotten, mostly consumed and half-melted in the small plastic bowl it came in. You were enjoying Kihyun’s company, for once things staying rather PG-13 other than the language and occasional remarks followed by the usual baby girl, love or gorgeous. Nothing that you couldn’t handle. It gave your heart and mind the rest it needed—especially after being so overwhelmed earlier with the touching and near-confessions over phone.

Letting your eyes wander around the alley, you land on what looks like two guys walking and talking, coming closer to where you were sitting. Normally, it’d be a whole lot of nothing, just more normal people visiting the mall and spending their day here much like yourself. But when one of the guys turned and his face came into view, your heart dropped into your stomach.

No doubt did you look the part, skin probably pale and crawling along every inch of your body. Kihyun stopped mid-sentence when he caught sight of you, hand coming up to rest on your thigh. Not even worrying about the game, Kihyun began to rub soothing circles as he asked what was the matter with you. You looked like you’d seen a ghost and it terrified Kihyun. He followed your stare and found the pair of males in your sights, something faint clicking in his mind.

“Y/N, who are they?” He asked, still trying to keep you calm and grounded because clearly, you had bad blood with one or both of them.

“Um, I-I don’t really know the one in the hoodie.” You nodded over to the taller of the duo, “But him, in the plaid? He lives in my building, he’s kind of a creep. Doesn’t like it when I tell him no and I’m pretty sure he’s stolen things from my laundry basket when I do it there.” Kihyun seethed at the thought of someone making you feel so afraid in your own home, in your own skin. He wanted to stomp over there and give him a piece of his mind, but suddenly the two males started their way closer to where you were and panic began to set in. Your heart raced and Kihyun felt your pulse jump in the skin on your thighs.

“Baby, c’mon. Trust me, let’s go.” Kihyun softly murmured, keeping his eyes on the guys in hope to ease you out of there as seamlessly as possible. You numbly followed, nervous eyes shifting over the two figures hoping they’d veer away any second and you could bolt out of there. A few steps away, Kihyun’s hand firmly intertwined with your own, you realized Kihyun was still murmuring sweet nothings to you, oddly reassuring and cooing every tense nerve in your body, willing your rabbiting pulse to knock down notches until it reached what was deemed normal.

“Ki, my phone. I think I left it on the table.” You told Kihyun, eyes trembling with fear at the thought of having to turn back and possibly come face to face with the guy. Kihyun hushed you and led yo a few more steps away, telling you to just lean against the photo booth that sat there and wait a moment for him. You nodded, letting your arms wrap around yourself as your skin felt more exposed now more than ever. He noticed your change in body language, tearing off the denim jacket he was wearing to drape it over your shoulders. As he adjusted it over your lithe frame, he locked gazes with you. It was dark, deep and loving. More than you’d ever seen before.

Suddenly the game didn’t matter anymore, because you had already clearly lost.

It was like the bowling match, obviously unfair as Kihyun had an advantage. He always had the advantage; you’d always be putty in his hands. Whether you liked it or not.

He mumbled about how he’d be back, quickly jogging back to your table at the ice cream shop. You could barely see him, covered by some statues and signs out front but you’d catch a wisp of pink hair shoot by once or twice, noticing how he was probably at the counter asking about it. Tucking a strand of your own hair behind your ear, you looked over to find the guy and his friend mere feet away from you and gaining fast. It seemed like they were moving wherever you went, a terrible plague that loomed over you like a dark storm cloud with an imminent rainstorm that’d break open over you.

And then Kihyun was back at your side, sliding your phone into the pocket of his jacket that you were wearing. He noticed the proximity between you two and the guy again and thinking on his feet, he yanked on your arm to tug you into the photo booth. He snapped the red velvet curtain shut, sure to leave no room for anyone to peek in, just in case.

He turned to you after giving it a few seconds as an all-clear, hand back on your thigh as his finger traced gentle figure eights across the balmy skin. “Angel. Gorgeous. Are you alright?” He asked in hushed tones, his other hand coming up to push your hair back and out of your face. You nodded, not trusting your words as the initial shock washed over you and relief slowly creeped into your senses. “Hey, nothing’s gonna happen. Not as long as I’m here, I’ll always keep you safe. I promise, baby girl.” His tender whispers caressed you, leaving you feeling high and your tremors slowly came to a halt at the reassuring words.

Turning to face him head on, a heated stare met your own creamy eyes, a multitude of emotions flickering across the surface that made you question every little thing you thought you knew about Yoo Kihyun. The hand at your thigh grew stiff, fingers gripping the muscle tight and suddenly, he was kissing you. Passionately, his tongue burst past the seams of your lips as his hand pawed and kneaded at your thigh; his motives now crystal-clear.

You chuckled into his mouth, the once tense atmosphere now dissipating with the newfound sexual tension amongst a slew of other, much more confusing emotions.

“I win.” You whispered against his lips, eyes meeting for one more fleeting moment before he groaned into another kiss. Kihyun mumbled something about I know against your mouth as he caressed every bit of skin he could access around your flowing dress.

“Please, baby. I need you. I know I don’t deserve it, it’s supposed to be what the winner wants but I really need you right now.” Here you were, in a photo booth in a mall and you had Kihyun begging you. It was a victory sweeter than anything you’d ever tasted in your entire life. For once, the roles were reversed: it was he who was eating out of the palm of your hand.

You knew what he wanted—what he needed—and you were more than happy to give it him. Chalk it up to the rollercoaster of emotions you had felt within the last hours, happiness blending in with fear and anxiety and lust; all coming together in a watercolor masterpiece that was pink and warm and resembled the feeling you felt in your toes whenever Kihyun smiled alongside you.

Not sparing another second, you tugged at Kihyun’s belt and button, pulling down his pants zipper and reached past the waistband of his underwear to tug out his already half-hard member. You pumped it a few times, feeling the weight of it shift as more blood began to pump evenly along the muscle. Spreading the sticky pre-come that oozed from the head, you slicked up his cock and drank in the sight of Kihyun with his head thrown back, high and quiet whimpers leaving his mouth in small hiccups. It was utterly sinful, boiling a deep heat in your gut.

You leaned forward and took the head of his cock in your mouth, rolling your tongue around the very tip and feeling spurts of pre-come come more often as you coaxed more of his length into your mouth. His palm settled on the back of your head, doing nothing more than just resting there. His whimpers grew in volume as you set a slow pace, coming up agonizingly and pulling off to pepper a few kisses around his girth before returning back to sinking down. Every time you went back down, you’d ease a little more of his length in, until you finally reached the back of your throat and the hot heat of it caressed the head of Kihyun’s member. It made him clamp his mouth shut, lip snug in his teeth as he tried to keep him moans quiet. Your mouth was doing wonders on him, especially since you were all he could think about and today alone was enough to make him blow in no time.

His fingers laced into your locks and he guided you up and down his cock, watching in awe at his length disappearing into your pretty little mouth. Whenever you pulled off completely, he’d stare at the swell of your bottom lip—how glossy it was with spit and his fluids and how flushed red it’d get from being rubbed against his cock time and time again. He whispered praises as you kept sucking him off, hips working in tandem with your movements. He’d thrust up harshly once or twice, apologizing right after but relishing in how it felt to feel your throat close up around him, the tightness snug on his length.

“Fuck, just like that baby. Your mouth is so good, you’re so good.” He whispered, his voice traveling down to your ears and it was a wonder how it even made it over the sloppy sounds of you working him, wet squelches of your soaked mouth taking in more and more of his cock. “Shit—a little more, c’mon—don’t stop, please baby girl don’t stop.” He’d keen, his voice borderline desperate as you sensed his rapidly approaching release. He took hold of your head in both hands, silently asking to fuck your mouth. When you let you jaw go slack, it was the green light for him. He fucked up in the shallow warmth, the velvety feel of the back of your throat bringing him that much closer to his orgasm. It was when you wrapped your slender digits around the base of his cock and began to jerk that his mouth lost all filter, spilling out more than you’d ever thought you’d hear from him.

“God baby I’m not gonna last, I’m gonna come. Please let me come in your mouth, it’s the only place it can go. Unless you want me to come on that pretty face of yours, paint you up and make you mine. Fuck you’re already mine, you wouldn’t do this for anyone else. Only me.” He accentuated the syllables of the last of his sentence with sharp pumps up into your mouth. You were so preoccupied with getting him to come, you hadn’t even realized the screen inside the photo booth lighting up. You thought you pictured the piercing white light, assuming it was just the sex high that suffocated the two of you in the cramped confines of the photo booth.

Kihyun moaned high, still half-muffled against his teeth, your name a phantom that hung off his tongue. He came strong and thick ropes, more than you’d ever seen him come in the last few encounters you had the pleasure of having with him. His release coated your tongue, the tang tangible in-between your molars as it snaked its way down your throat. You swallowed the viscous fluid quickly, jerking Kihyun off to completion on your tongue as you milked every last drop out of him. If you were going to show him how grateful you were, you were going to go all the way.

Kihyun breathed heavy pants, willing his pulse to thrum down as you wiped away the remnants of his release along with your spit, on the back of your hand. You sat straight again, gently tucking Kihyun back into his pants and easing his zipper and buttons closed. He took over when it came time for his belt, securing it around himself before finally opening his eyes and looking at you, far too softly for what just occurred. He smiled, gentle and tender. It made your heart do somersaults, the warm tinge crisping at the edges of your vision again.

You leaned in for a kiss when you heard a muffled voice come from outside the photo booth. You froze in place, Kihyun also perking his head to listen closer.

“Y/N?”

The muffled voice came again, this time louder and a touch more confident before. Kihyun furrowed his brows in confusion as he tried to decipher who it could be while you already knew whose voice it was. You were scared, afraid to face the speaker but he’d found you and figured out your identity. If you didn’t come out now, he’d yank back the curtain and find you with Kihyun. You’d rather save yourself the embarrassment as you stood and stepped past Kihyun’s legs, hand coming up to tug open the curtain just a smidgen.

There he was, the tall man who knew how to strike fear into your very core. You steeled your nerves and took a deep breath, not realizing that the guy’s eyes weren’t even on you. They were on the slips of paper that dropped from the bin on the side of the photo booth—a glossy pair of pictures that were snapped during your raunchy and passionate session with Kihyun.

Your eyes nearly dropped out of their sockets as you realized what he held, his grip faltering for a moment and letting you sneak a peek of the pictures; they were every bit as incriminating as you thought they’d be. When were they even taken?

The sudden white light.

Kihyun must’ve hit something while you were going down on him, causing the booth to snap pictures of the dirty deed in action. You leapt forward and snatched the slips out of his hand, not wanting his greasy fingers and prying eyes looking at what you considered to be a very intimate moment between two people. That and you just honestly didn’t want to fuel any more of this creep’s masturbatory fantasies.

“Wow Y/N, and here I thought you were a good girl.” He chuckled low, a digestive octave that didn’t nearly compare to Kihyun’s mellow tenors. You scowled at him, hoping that if you cursed him in your mind he’d get the idea telepathically and would leave sooner. “How come you never wanted any of that with me? I could’ve done that with you, anywhere you wanted sweetheart.”

The nicknames that you loved to hear drip from Kihyun’s mouth came back to haunt you, the comparison from his voice to this freak was far too grossly inaccurate to even justify with a feeling other than complete and utter repulsion. You felt the bile rise in your throat, all other feelings other than disgust forgotten. Honestly, you weren’t sure how you’d get yourself out of the situation, knowing you were too anxious to properly tell him off and he’d probably get the wrong idea about it all and would proposition you back at the apartment complex. The mere thought of it made you sick to your stomach, having to live in fear in the one place that should be safe and secure. You should be allowed to go get your mail in a tank top and pajama shorts without having to be cat-called and bombarded with disgustingly sleazy remarks from a low-class citizen like this man.

“Excuse me, are you quite finished?” Kihyun’s voice broke through the silence before his head, along with the rest of his body, appeared through the curtain. He made you jump, not expecting him to pop in so suddenly like that. He looked down at the pictures in your hand and gave you a loaded smile before it swiftly disappeared when his gaze met the guy from your apartment complex.

“Can’t you see you’re making Y/N uncomfortable? Just walk away man, she’s clearly not into you and even more clearly with me.” He crossed his arms over his chest and raised his eyebrows, waiting for the guy to leave already.

“Are you kidding me, Y/N? You chose him over me? Are you stupid or something? He’s like 5 foot 9 and has pink fucking hair, he’s practically made to be gay.” The guy scoffed, sneering at the two of you.

“Well clearly he isn’t, you saw it yourself. Or did you need another demonstration?” You boldly spoke, malice laced deep in your words. You intended to hurt today and with Kihyun alongside you, the fear that normally shook you to your core wasn’t present. All you felt was a blinding anger and now you could actually don something other than go home and cry about it. It seemed to stun the other guy as well, never having heard your sweet little mouth say such rude words.

“Don’t be like that baby—“

“I am not your baby. Get that shit straight. I want you to leave me alone, here and now and back home. Just because we live in the same damn building does not give you any right to touch me or say things to me; you don’t own me and you never will. If you come near me anymore, I’ll call the fucking cops. Come on Kihyun.” You intertwined your fingers with Kihyun’s and tugged him away walking in a direction that you could care less about. You just wanted to get away from the booth and him and everything that was happening in that moment.

You finally reached what you were sure was the other side of the mall, panting heavily at the walk you just powered through. Before you could do or say anything, Kihyun brought you in for a hug, muffling you face into his chest. He murmured into your hair, “I’m so proud of you.” before placing a chaste kiss on your forehead, letting you finally let your fear come shaking back into you as your stayed in his embrace a little while longer.

“Hey, just breathe. You’re good baby girl. You did so well.” You began to laugh, relief finally coloring your world as you ended that hell once and for all. Kihyun smiled as you let everything go, your bones all kinds of loose-limbed at the lack of stress and tension in-between the sockets.

It was in that moment that you decided you didn’t want to hurt Kihyun or expose him or make him pay for anything from his past because none of that mattered anymore. All that mattered was what he was like with you now, and he just helped you confront one of your biggest fears. Something you thought you’d never accomplish.

“Hey Ki?” He hummed to signal he was listening, waiting for you to continue. “Can I cash in that reward now?” You asked, pulling back to look him in the eyes. He simply nodded, taking a moment to brush your hair out of your face and let his thumb stroke over the skin under your eyes.

You bit your lip, not knowing how to phrase what you wanted in a way that was tasteful and not crass. He continued to fuss around your face, smoothening down your hair and thumbing at your lip. “Spit it out baby, it’s okay. I won’t bite. Unless you want me to.” He added with a smirk, making you laugh lightheartedly.

This was Kihyun, it was okay to say these type of things with him. He expected this kind of talk, so why were so afraid to do it?

“I want to… to use you. As in,” You sighed. “I want to ride your face.” You looked at his expression, finding it frustratingly blank and you quickly began to backtrack, sputtering on your words. “I mean, that is if you want to. If not, we can totally just forget about it. Yeah, let’s just do that.”

“No, I don’t want to forget,” You froze as he enthusiastically began to answer. “Baby girl, I’d be fucking honored if you sat on my face. C’mon, what the hell are we waiting for?” Kihyun reassured you, pulling you in the direction of the mall’s parking garage where he said he was parked. You’d taken an Uber here so you took a moment to ask if he’d give you a ride home to which he promptly answered with a ‘Duh, you’re my date. How bad would it make me look if I left you like that?’

You didn’t want to admit that his answer made butterflies rise in your stomach.

But it definitely did.

[avengerofyourheart]

Happy Accidents (reader x Bucky) [AH pt 10(End)]

Characters: reader x Bucky, Sam, Steve, Nat, Tony, Bruce (mentioned)

Summary: Reader stays home from a mission and Bucky returns with unexpected news that could change your life together forever. 

Warnings: lil angst, mostly fluff. Mentions of illness and possible pregnancy. 

Word Count: 4k. (last part, I needed all the words! )

A/N: Well, this is it!! The last part. It’s been a long time coming and I’m sorry about the wait, but I hope it’s worth it! This series was my baby. Part 1 was my first fic written and posted EVER. Thank you all for sticking around and supporting me and this series! Please let me know what you think! :)

Tags at the end. 

<<<Part 9  Part 10 (End)

Accidents Happen Series Masterlist 

___________________________________________________________

Previously:

“There really is no one like you, Y/N. It’s good to be home.”

Now that Bucky was back, the tower felt like home again to you, too.

________________

One Year Later

“I’m going.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Bucky. I feel fine!! I’ve been fine all morning. I am going on this mission.”

Bucky opened his mouth to protest, but your determined expression stopped him, throwing his hands up in surrender.

You smiled victoriously, gathering the last of your gear and tugging the zipper closed on your duffel. The both of you already wore your combat gear, ready to board the Quinjet that was leaving in 10 minutes. Steve had interrupted breakfast saying there was a last minute mission so you and Bucky, along with Bruce, Clint, and Steve were heading out as soon as possible. Steve protested your joining the mission, too, which annoyed you. What was up with that?

One last scan around the room to make sure you had gathered everything, you met Bucky’s eyes.

“You ready, babe?” you asked him.

“Yup. How ‘bout you, doll?”

You paused, holding up one finger before you bolted for the bathroom and lost your breakfast. Aw, crap.

Rinsing your mouth and seeing your own pale reflection, you knew Bucky was right.

Returning to the bedroom, Bucky was already on the phone.

“Yeah, Y/N still isn’t feeling well. Can Natasha cover for her?” he asked, waiting for Steve’s response. “Right. Okay.”

You sat down on the bed, feeling deflated.

Bucky caught your eye as he spoke to Steve, “Yeah, I know. We’ll talk when I get back. I’m on my way.”

The long-haired brunet hung up and came over to sit next to you, pulling you close with a kiss to your temple.

“This whole stomach flu thing sucks. I really thought I was over it!” you whined.

“I know, doll. You rest up and focus on feeling better. We should be gone 3 days, tops. I’ll be back before you know it.”

You sighed as Bucky stood and grabbed his own gear, planting a kiss on your cheek before heading out. He stopped in the doorway, looking back at you.

“I love you.”

Those words uttered from his lips still gave you butterflies as you smiled, “I love you, too.”

He waved a hand and he was gone, leaving you to strip off your combat suit and get back into pajamas.

After changing, you puttered around in stocking feet, gathering a blanket, water, and crackers before settling on the couch with the remote. Thankfully you were able to hole up in the apartment you shared with Bucky, hoping to avoid getting anyone else sick. Netflix had become your savior these past few days in between intervals of throwing up. Gross.

Ever since that first mission for Bucky, the both of you had gone out dozens of times, some together, others left one of you home waiting and worrying. The focus on training and feeling useful was good for Bucky. He hardly ever had nightmares anymore and when he did, once he knew he was safe at home with you by his side, the terror subsided.

Not that life was without its challenges. You and Bucky were still very different people so disagreements were bound to happen. There was the Empty Toilet Paper Roll Fiasco, the Incorrect Toothpaste Squeeze Disagreement, and of course the If-You-Don’t-Stop-Leaving-Damp-Towels-on-the-Bed-I’m-Gonna-Smother-You-In-Your-Sleep Conflict. Most were resolved quickly and without bloodshed.

Honestly, the both of you were pretty easy going so cohabitating was an easy transition, more or less. The constant reminder of “be careful” before missions and trying not to interfere in each others’ jobs in the field, that was harder to manage. It all worked itself out, though, as you made it clear that talking about it was always better. Not that you could keep things to yourself anyway.

While Bucky was on this particular mission, you did what you usually could to occupy your time, but it was just harder by yourself. In the afternoon of the second day, you ventured out into the common area to find Sam surfing through the cable channels. Screw the passing of germs, it was probably too late anyway.

“Hey, Birdbrain.”

“Hey, crazy girl. How you feeling?” said the man with a smile.

“Eh, a little better. But you know what would reeeeaaallly make me feel better?” you asked, batting your eyelashes at him.

He rolled his eyes, “Fine, Y/N. I’ll play your little game.”

“Yay!” you cheered, grabbing the card games and settling on the floor opposite Sam with the coffee table between you. “

________

Midway through the third day of the mission, you received a text from Bucky that they would return home that night. Ecstatic, you straightened up the apartment and went to the store to gather ingredients for Bucky’s favorite meal. Your stomach still couldn’t handle much food, but it was better today. Unsure of the time of his arrival, you prepared the meal and then set aside a plate that Bucky could reheat when he returned. You nibbled on a few things, but nothing really sounded good. Around seven o’clock, you settled on the couch to watch a movie and wait up for your handsome man.

Next thing you knew, you were waking up to daylight in your own bed with a warm hand rubbing your thigh throughout the blankets.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.”

Turning toward the voice, you saw Bucky sitting on the edge of the bed with a smile on his face. You rolled over toward him, rubbing your eyes.

“What time is it?” you asked groggily.

“About 9:15 in the morning.”

“Wha…Nine?!? I sat down on the couch a little after 7 and must have drifted off. I slept…” you did the math in your fuzzy head, “Fourteen hours? I didn’t know I was so tired! I was gonna wait up for you!” you whined, annoyed at your lack of consciousness upon his arrival.

He chuckled, “It’s fine, doll. You need your rest. And I’m here, as promised. All is well.”

“Ugh. I feel like I’ve been so lazy lately. No energy to do anything. I wish I could kick this bug…”

Bucky gave you a close-lipped smile, a softness in his eyes, “Sit up for me, doll. Let’s talk.”

Eyeing him warily, you untangled yourself from the sheets and crawled to his side.

“Okay?” you questioned. “What’s up?”

Bucky cleared his throat, gathering your hands in his, “Do you remember that mission we went on a while back? We took down that arms dealer in Prague where you had to flirt with the old guy again and that red dress made another appearance? Even better in person, by the way.”

You giggled, “Yeah, I remember.”

“Well…you know how we got into an argument about how you went against Steve’s orders and took on the guards alone? I was so mad…” he trailed off, laughing at it now.

You bit your lip, remembering the fire in Bucky’s eyes as he yelled with concern for you to be more careful.

“Uh huh.”

“And how we stayed one night longer in the hotel room per Steve’s orders to cool off before heading home? He wanted us to kiss and make up. And make up we did,” Bucky grinned, remembering the fury and passion of that night, a flush rising to your face as well.

“That was a great night,” you swooned, leaning forward to capture your boyfriends lips in a kiss.

Bucky returned the kiss, smiling softly as he pulled away, then hesitating before he spoke again, “I also remember we weren’t particularly…careful…that night…”

He watched your expression, waiting for some recollection.

Brow furrowed, you thought for a moment, then agreeing, “Okay? I mean it was rare for us, but not the first time.”

“I know, but…it’s possible that that night is connected to how sick you’ve been the past 2 weeks,” Bucky spoke softly, rubbing his flesh hand up and down your back while his metal left still remained in your lap.

You remained silent, avoiding his gaze.

“Come on, Y/N. It must have crossed your mind…” He waited for your response and when it didn’t come, he tried again. “Y/N…doll, talk to me. I’m not used to pulling words out of you. In fact, you usually blurt out whatever you’re thinking before I can even ask.”

A laugh bubbled up thickly in your throat as you finally turned Bucky’s way with a sniffle, tears in your eyes.

“It did occur to me…” you began, pulling at a loose thread on the sleeve of your sweatshirt.

“And?”

“I pushed it away the second it came to mind. There was NO way that I…I couldn’t be…I just…I never wanted to be THAT girl,” you exclaimed wiping at unexpected tears angrily.

“What girl?” he asked in confusion.

“You know, the girl who gets knocked up by her boyfriend and never goes anywhere or does anything with her life. More than half the girls at my high school had little carbon copies of them running around within two years after graduating. IF they graduated. I never wanted to be like them,” you finished your rant, wrapping your arms around yourself.

Bucky tenderly placed a hand on either side of your face, meeting your gaze while thumbs brushed your cheekbones.

“Y/N…you are the furthest away from being one of those girls as a person can be,” he smiled. “You got out. You left that small town behind, got a college degree, moved to New York…You’re an Avenger! You travel the world with superheroes while you kick ass and take names. And you’re still an Avenger, no matter what. In whatever capacity you want with built in babysitters right here, should we need them.”

You adjusted yourself until you were knee to knee with Bucky, placing a hand on each of his magnificent thighs as he placed his own hands on your hips.

“Now…if you don’t want to do this…we’ll figure it out. And if you don’t want to do this with me, I underst…”

“Whoa! Wait a minute,” you interrupted harshly, stopping Bucky’s self-deprecating thoughts outright. It was your turn to grasp his handsome face to know you were being heard. “If THIS is happening at all, it’s happening with YOU. I love you, James Buchanan Barnes. With all my heart. You’re the only person in the world I would ever want to be in this situation with.”

He gave a grateful smile, placing his hands over yours and then pulling them into his lap.

“Besides, you’ve been dealing with my special brand of crazy for over a year and so far you haven’t run for the hills. I doubt I could break in someone new before THIS becomes a reality, so…”

Bucky chuckled, ”Well, then you’re stuck with me, then.”

“No, YOU are stuck with ME. Hot Super Soldier boyfriend who is also kind and caring and handsome? Yeah, I definitely got the better deal.”

“I beg to differ, my darling. You’re funny, gorgeous, amazing, honest, loving, fierce, and did I mention hot?”

You laughed, then turning serious. “Yeah, well. Maybe not for long. Because…I….am….” you struggled to form the last word and then blurted it, “...PREGNANT.”

“That’s my girl! See? Acceptance is the first step…or something,” Bucky said, grinning at you.

You slugged your hunky boyfriend in the arm, “This is your fault, Mr. Super Sperm.”

He threw his head back now in a full belly laugh, then leaning forward to capture your lips with his, muttering “I love you” against them.

“I will take full responsibility for that, my darling. Although, I could’ve sworn you were there, too…” his brow furrowed in mocking.

You shrugged in agreement, then questioning, “Seriously though, that serum is in your DNA, right? What does that mean for…” you pointed to your stomach, which still showed no difference.

Bucky sighed, “I don’t know, doll. It’s not like we have any other examples to go on. I breeched the subject to Steve a while back and he blushed so hard he couldn’t speak full sentences for an hour. But…that only becomes a question of importance if….”

A groan left your lips as you collapsed backwards onto the pillows. Bucky crawled up the bed to lay beside you as he gently pulled you close.

“This wasn’t in the plan!” you whined, dramatically covering your eyes with the crook of your elbow.

You heard a snicker, causing you to peek out at your boyfriend.

“What was that?”

“Nothing! It’s just…what plan? Sorry, doll, but honestly, nothing in our life together has really been planned. You kissed me one night, I kissed you back, we were together, then Nat found out about us and then everyone knew… I mean, we even moved in together on a whim. No planning.”

You thought back to that day six months ago. The two of you had been mildly bickering at breakfast about him needing a drawer for a few of his things at your place and him not having an actually drawer for you at his place. Tony rolled his eyes at you and blurted, “Why don’t you just move in together? There’s an available apartment a few floors down. Save us all the headache.” You met Bucky’s eyes, considering it, and you both shrugged and moved in the next day.

Truthfully, neither of you were planners. You were notoriously spontaneous about everything and Bucky had enough trouble keeping his mind out of the past and into the present to actually consider the future very often.

So, he had a point. Which made you even more nervous about this new endeavor.

“See? We’re not equipped to handle this! I’m kinda freaked out about the whole situation. Aren’t you freaking out?!?” you mildly screeched.

The handsome brunet chuckled, pressing a kiss to your temple, “Well, oddly enough, I’ve been sitting on this information for longer than you have, so I’ve already had my freak out, doll. Clint talked me down.”

“What? Clint knows?”

“Actually, Clint sort of recognized the signs and approached me. He’s been through it a few times before. You still claimed it was the flu, so he thought I should know. I nearly pulled my hair out, but it made sense.”

Hesitantly, you voiced your thoughts, “So…do you think we can do this? I mean, is this something you want?”

Bucky sighed, tracing patterns on your clothed stomach with his fingertips, “Honestly, this is another one of those things I never thought I’d have. I didn’t know if I could or if we should, but now that we’re here…yeah. I think I do. I mean, this is you and me. This right here is a result of two people who love each other very much and I’m with you all the way, good or bad….yes….or no.”

You thought about what he said, this potential offspring being half you and half the wonderful, amazing man you couldn’t imagine your life without. Now knowing where he stood, you considered your own feelings. Was this something YOU wanted? Despite never fully voicing or acknowledging them, there were thoughts in the back of your mind about maybe possibly one day settling down and having a family. This was a little soon, but Bucky was right. You weren’t one to plan, so maybe this was just the way it was meant to happen.

Flickering in your mind was the image of seeing Bucky hold his child for the first time with the biggest smile on his face and tears in his eyes, an exhausted but triumphant you next to him. This possible future was having an unexpected affect on you. Instead of the nausea that had plagued you for weeks, you felt something else brewing inside: excitement.

Meeting his eyes, you blinked away a few tears, took in a deep breath, held it, and then spoke in a burst of an exhale, “Okay.”

“Okay, what?”

“Yes. Let’s do it. Let’s have a baby, Mr. Barnes,” you smiled.

The biggest grin lit up his face, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you nodded.

Bucky kissed you, then letting out a loud whoop causing you to burst out in laughter. He returned his focus to your stomach, muttering as he kissed your currently nonexistent bump while you trailed your fingers through his chestnut locks.

You froze then, panic seizing you once again, “Wait, I didn’t get to finish my freak out! What if this super soldier baby is, like, extra strong and just busts out of my vag one day? Do you know anything about babies? Cause I don’t know anything about babies except that time I babysat my sister’s kids and one of them smeared paint all over the living room and she never let me watch them again which was probably a good thing. What about college? College is expensive!! We don’t even technically have incomes! We just kind of live here and do hero stuff so does Tony just foot the bill? Is that what Clint does? That doesn’t make any sense, I mean…”

Bucky let you rant for a few more minutes, trying to hide his amused smile. When you ran out of steam and took a breath, he kissed you and reached for his phone by the bedside.

“Y/N….I don’t know. A lot of that stuff, I don’t have answers for. But Clint said that all new parents come into this having no clue, so that was a little comforting. And as for the money stuff, we’ll figure it out. College is a little ways away so we have time. Hopefully he or she will be super smart as well as super strong so they can get a scholarship,” he smiled.

Scrolling through his phone, he found what he was looking for and clicked.

“Whatever comes, we will figure it out. Together. Clint also shared this song with me because it calmed him a little when Laura was first pregnant.”

Strumming of acoustic guitar began to play from his phone, “Do you recognize it?”

You frowned and shook your head, feigning ignorance.

“Finally!” he chuckled. “I’m ahead of you in the music game.”

You laughed at his joy over a so-called ‘win’, settling in to listen as he placed the phone gently on your stomach and pulled you close, nuzzling your neck.

People smile and tell me I’m the lucky one And we’ve just begun, I think I’m gonna have a son…

“Or daughter,” Bucky interjected as he nuzzled your cheek.

He will be like she and me as free as a dove conceived in love Sun is gonna shine above

Even though we ain’t got money, I’m so in love with you honey and everything will bring a chain of love And in the morning when I rise, You bring a tear of joy to my eyes And tell me everything is gonna be alright

Bucky then rolled off the bed and went searching through his top dresser drawer.

“What’re you doing there, Sarge?” you asked.

“I’ll have you know,” he answered, closing the drawer with something in his hand, “that I’ve had this for weeks, so there’s no shot gun involved. I was just waiting for the right time…”

He walked around to your side of the bed and knelt before you as the music played on.

And now a smile, a face, a girl who shares my name now I’m through with the game This boy will never be the same.

“What do you say, doll? Will you marry me?” he popped the question as a square velvet box was opened before you, a modest diamond ring nestled inside.

Tears sprung to your eyes, shock evident in your features. Brushing the phone off your torso, you sat up quickly, hands covering your mouth. You dropped your legs off the side of the bed and slid down to kneeling on the floor with feet tucked under you. Bucky sat down before you, ring still on display.

“It’s beautiful,” you breathed.

Bucky urged you on, eyebrows raised, “And?”

Meeting his eyes, you smiled, “Yes.”

He captured your lips with his, a beaming smile on both your faces. He took the ring out intending to slip it on your finger when you stopped him, placing a hand over his.

“But I have one request. Sell the diamond.”

“What?” he questioned, almost angry.

“I don’t need a diamond. If we’re serious about this future and this baby and money and everything else, I want a simple band. That’s it. And you wear one, too. It’s always bugged me that only the girl wears an engagement ring, I mean, is the guy less committed? Why does he still look available at first glance? I don’t like it. And speaking of equality, the whole sharing your name thing? We should talk about that…”

“You’re right, you’re right,” Bucky chuckled in interruption, shaking his head in disbelief. “You are the most unique girl I’ve ever met, Y/N. And I love you for it.”

“I don’t doubt that,” you grinned, leaning in to kiss your fiancé.

You pulled back, foreheads touching as he tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear.

Frowning slightly, you had a thought, “Guess I should actually take a test of some sort, huh? Pee on a stick to make it official?”

He shook his head in laughter, “Nat bought one for when you were ready. I’ll text her.”

“Nat knows? And Clint? Guess we should tell the whole team then…”

Bucky offered a sheepish smile, “Sorry, doll, but…everyone kind of already knows. Nat picked up on your symptoms not long after Clint, I had to tell Steve to keep you off missions and Thor, well...when you burst into tears after he finished the last pop tart you had your heart set on, I had to tell him something. Sam overheard me talking to Steve. Why else do you think he played those card games with you even though he hates it? Tony was the last one left since he had been all wrapped up in a project, but Steve told him this morning.”

You let out a huff with a frown, “That takes the fun out of it.”

“Well…we still have your parents to tell…”

Eyes wide, you let that sink in, “Son of a biscuit, you’re right...”

To Bucky’s surprise, you stood suddenly and headed for the elevator.

“Where are we going?” he asked, falling into step with you.

“I figure I should practice before then and why not start right now?” you said, pressing the button for the common room floor in the elevator. The ride only took a few seconds.

Bucky just followed your lead, used to your unexpected antics by now. Exiting the elevator, you could see most of the team present so you took a deep breath.

“HEY GUESS WHAT BUCKY KNOCKED ME UP AND NOW WE’RE GETTING HITCHED ISN’T THAT GREAT?” you yelled at the top of your lungs with a huge smile on your face.

A few of the Avengers had flinched at your volume initially, but then just shook their heads with smiles and left whatever activity they were working on. Soon the whole team was giving hugs and patting Bucky on the back, all of them offering “congrats” and “finally’s”

“This calls for celebration!” Tony exclaimed with a clap of his hand, then asking JARVIS to order some pickles and ice cream to be delivered ASAP. He thought he was funny. And he was right, not that you let him know. That combination did sound oddly satisfying, though…

Bucky returned to your side, gathering you in his arms and pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“You ready for this, doll?” he whispered.

“Not in the slightest,” you answered truthfully. “But it’ll be a great adventure.”

“The greatest,” he agreed with a smile.

“We still need to have a private celebration of our own, you know,” you grinned at him, wiggling your eyebrows.

He chuckled in disbelief, “You sure you’re up for that, doll?”

“Always, Hot Stuff,” you winked, smacking your fiancé’s shapely behind before rejoining the group. He just shook his head and followed.

A lot of your life together had been accidental, but to you they had all been happy accidents because they brought you here. And there was nowhere else in the world you’d rather be.

__________________________________________________________

Song link: Danny’s Song by Kenny Loggins

Whew!! I did it!! My very first ever series is now complete. I had this last part mostly written for months but I had some trouble letting go for some reason. But here we are. It’s time. I really hope you liked this ending and found it fitting. Please let me know! Message, comment, ask, reply, whatever. You are all awesome and I love you. :) 

p.s. Permanent Tag List is CLOSED. 

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #93

“you better run, better run, outrun my gun.”

do you like your toes? no. people make fun of them because they are SOOO TINY. do you go to church? if so, do you actually pay attention?  i don't really go regularly, no, but when i do go, i pay attention. when you are home alone at night and hear strange noises, are you afraid someone is going to break in?  sometimes. i'm paranoid like that. do you want any tattoos? if so, where? i want lots. the only places off-limits to me is my face, my breasts (don't mistake that for sternum area), and probably my ass. are any of your friends virgins?  i'm aware at least one is, but it's not my business regardless. ever held a newborn animal? kittens, yes. can you name a single song by billy joel without looking it up? i can list multiple: "uptown girl," "moving out (anthony's song)," "piano man," etc... i grew up listening to billy joel 'cuz my dad loves him. do you wish life functioned more similarly to video games, such as having a save file that you could return to after you make a mistake & therefore you could erase that from happening & start over anew? huh. not sure, honestly... do you try to avoid burping in public, or are you open about it? after all, it is a normal bodily function. i try to do it quietly. have you ever refused to read / watch / listen to something simply because a lot of people really liked it? no, that's remarkably stupid. if you have a dog, are they friendly to strangers or other dogs? teddy loves new dogs and is initially apprehensive of strangers and will bark, but then starts crying excitedly lol. cali hates strangers in general. she won't bite or anything, but she'll growl and shake a lot. it takes a while for her to warm up to strangers. bentley just follows along with the other dogs. is it hard for you to get along with people that have different opinions than you? or can you ignore all of that stuff and be friends with just about anyone? it's honestly not hard for me at all, so long their opinions aren't just blatantly harmful. be honest, did "fifty shades of grey" arouse you in any way? never watched it, never will, because i'm not interested in watching a glorified porn. do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself?   i know i'd have what it takes if i had no other choice. did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? i think, but i do know that i was initially thought to be a boy because my legs were always crossed in all the ultrasound pictures. i'm such a lady. :T do you have trouble reading small fonts?  depends on the font. roughly how hot are the summer temperatures where you reside? 90s, sometimes 100s. ew. do you find watching animals in their natural habitat to be exciting & fascinating?  YES. of all the decisions you have thus far made in your life, which was the best & which was the worst? best: going to holly hill; worst: rather not talk about. discarding the fact that they can smell & tend to get dirty a lot, do you like your feet, or feet in general? i absolutely loathe feet. they're just gross. do you have a favorite film, if so, what is it and why?  "alice in wonderland," tim burton's version. i just love that movie so much because it goes to show just how endless the imagination is. what was the last piercing you got? how much did it hurt? lip. and it hurt a lot, i mean, there's a needle jabbing through an extremely sensitive area. who was the last teacher to make a lasting impression on you? coach collie<3 that man is a saint. i wish i still had contact with him. would you breastfeed your child, if you ever had/have had one? probably? breast milk has so many more important nutrients. i'll never forget this diagram i saw at the hospital while ashley was having one of her kids and it showed just how much more nutrients breast milk has versus formula milk. but i don't want kids, so i'll never make that decision. have you ever slept naked?  no. i'd be way too uncomfortable. have you ever given someone oral sex? yes, and i don't like it. have you ever cuddled with someone that wasn’t a significant other? no. if you’re in a relationship, does cuddling with someone else count as cheating?  yes. when typing, what do you use to represent laughter [lol, ha, hehe, *giggle*, etc.]? lol or ha ha do you know how your parents met? if not, is that something you would want to know?  they met at work. do you ever roleplay? online on designated forums, yes. never in real life. have you ever seen the movie "matilda"? yes!! i love that movie!! do you have a poster of your favorite band/artist on your wall? metallica, yes. is your mall nice? NO. people being shot and fighting there aren't exactly uncommon. are you hard to handle? i'm mentally ill. obviously. have you ever had your eyebrows waxed?  yes. what color was the last bathing suit you wore? black. have you ever been to cracker barrel? yes. do you like your steak rare? medium well. how much younger or older would you date someone? i wouldn't date younger than 21, and i wouldn't date older than like 29. have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend?  yes. what’s your favorite book series?  it'll probably all be "warriors" by erin hunter. how can a person tell if you’re mad or annoyed? i mumble, scowl, and barely talk. and if i do, i speak as short sentences as possible. do you actually use the camera on your phone? NO. the camera on my phone is AWFUL. if i wanna ever take selfies, i use my old phoen. do you think it’s ignorant for people to have unprotected sex when they’re not ready for a child? obviously?? are there any specific piercings you would never, ever get done? eyebrow, smiley, nipples, and whatever the fuck that piercing is where your private gets pierced. i'm sure i'm forgetting others. what’s your favorite non-animated disney film? probably "a cinderella story" do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby? yeah, me. were either of your parents baptized?  i don't know. mom, probably, since she was raised roman catholic. has anyone killed one of your pets before?  people have run over our cats before. do you have a push lawnmower or a riding lawnmower? we don't mow our own lawn, so we don't have one. we have a friend who does it. what is/are your pet[s] doing at this moment?  the dogs are sleeping and venus is curled up like a total cinnamon roll in her rock. describe the main problem with your last relationship? he wanted an extrovert, which i was unwilling to fake being. are you someone who has to hide the things you like around friends?  yes, i am totally that person. i get embarrassed about the things i enjoy, idk why. have you ever been to a porn website? were you addicted to it afterword?  no, and i never will. what is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? be abusive. have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? multiple hurricanes. hurricane floyd was the worst. what fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? bojangle's like yaaaas do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet earth? no, i don't. is it currently your favorite season? if not what is your favorite? no. my favorite's probably autumn, but winter almost ties it. do you like soda pop? if so, which is your favorite and least favorite? mountain dew's my fave, pepsi's probably the worst. do you have any siblings you’re embarrassed about being related to? no. i'm proud of my siblings. do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? or is that weird? no. way too awkward. who was the last person you kissed and why did you kiss this person? tyler, and because i felt obligated to. is there a day you’d just like to forget? which one? the day i attempted suicide, the night jason broke up with me and the whole day afterward... when was the last time someone dumped you?  august or september of 2015. do you like dark chocolate or white more? what about milk chocolate? out of those two, i prefer dark because i hate white, but my favorite's milk. how many times have you seen star wars? be honest. i've never watched star wars. are you good at memorizing phone numbers? NO. i don't even know my own phone number. the only one i know is my mom's. have you ever made your own website? yep. do you like men who have a sensitive side? having a sensitive side is mandatory for me if you want me to like you at all. have you ever tried to get someone into a certain band/artist?  kinda indirectly. and it worked lmao be honest, does the person you like actually deserve you? or are they actually not worthy of your affections? it's more like idk if i deserve /him/ would you ever go on "fear factor"? no. would you ever wear black lipstick? do you know anyone who does? i do wear black lipstick if i ever do wear lipstick. would you rather be a successful writer or artist?  OHHHHHH now THAT'S a good question! i don't know! what is your favorite christmas movie? jim carrey's "how the grinch stole christmas" have you ever attended a religious or private school? does sunday school count? ever suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder?  yes. i think i'm fully recovered by now though. what is the shortest relationship you have ever had with someone?  less than 24 hours. do you like korn?  HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL YEEEEEAAAAH when you were little, did you pick up worms? do you pick worms up now?  yes and no did you like the movie "finding nemo"? it was one of my favorites as a kid. i still love it. which part of your state/province do you live in [upper, lower, middle]? the east. when was the last time you went out of state? last summer for ashley's wedding. do you like paranormal stuff? YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS what letter does your surname begin with? "d" what is one food you couldn’t live without? pizza @-@ when you’re eating pizza do you add anything like crushed peppers, parmesan cheese or hot sauce to it? i used to always have it with hot sauce... i need to do that again, it was awesome. have you ever been able to pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin?  i don't think so. where is your dad from? ohio where is your mom from? new york if you could find one long lost friend of the past, who would it be?  megan do you consider how you act online to be different than you act in person? in some areas, yes. i'm more open and excitable online. have you ever written a short story/novel? yes. do you believe in the paranormal or cryptids?  paranormal, yes, some cryptids. which dinosaur is your favorite?  spinosaurus! would you ever play with a ouija board?  no. i don't know if i believe they work, but i sure as hell don't wanna find out. which side of your family are you closest to? mom's would you want to work at the same place as your significant other? no. i personally need some space. would you rather die or eat another human being?  i'd rather die. is there anything that you and your friends simply can’t agree on? yes; most of my friends are liberal, and i'm more on the conservative side. but i don't even agree with some of my conservative friends because i'm not entirely conservative myself. who was the last person to comment on your facebook status? what does the comment say? i was hesitant to do so, but i updated on how i've been doing since my "incident" in february. i fucking scared everyone that day and wanted to let everyone know how great i've been doing. but anyway, it was my friend maria, and i don't remember off the top of my head, but she said a lot about how she loves me and that i'll always have god. she is SUCH a sweetheart, miss her<3 what are three reasons you’ve smiled or laughed most recently?  markiplier, rhett&link, and then probably pewdiepie. youtubers legitimately keep me going lol. think about your ex, your crush, or the person you’re currently dating. Were you attracted to that person as soon as you met them, or did the attraction develop over time? do you mean physically or mentally? physically, i actually thought he was kinda weird-looking but still attractive in some weird way, and mentally, i thought he was very interesting. which do you use the most, smiley faces, kisses or hearts?  various emoticons that are usually smiley faces of some sort. is there any kind of food or drink that you used to love, but now hate? sprite. it was my favorite soda. now i just don't like it. who is your favorite disney channel person?  raven symone, off the top of my head. what do you have pierced? ears, bottom lip when you take surveys, are your answers inspired by the person's before you? occasionally do you know any immigrants? yeah. do you know how to look after yourself away from home? (budget, pay pills, feed yourself, cook, clean, do laundry etc.) not really, to be totally honest... do you like dried fruit at all? what's your favorite type?  i hate dried fruit. where is the biggest window in your house? the living room. is there any song out there that just amazes you every time you hear it?  probably "fade to black" by metallica. the solo is so fucking amazing. do your pets spazz out a lot?  the dogs, especially teddy, bark at EVERYTHING does it bother you when people write "hai" instead of "hey", or are you one of those people?  no. i do it rarely. does your dad have any tattoos? no. how often does it snow where you are? does it interrupt your day-to-day life? like... once every other year or at least a little bit every year. and it almost never does. do you get really bad periods? if so, what do you do to make them less painful?  not anymore. they used to be horrendous before i went on the pill. but if i do cramp anyway, i use a heating pad and take advil. do you prefer zebra stripes, tiger stripes, or leopard spots? tiger stripes. have you ever held a snake?  many times. have you ever seen a volcano? no. have you ever met an alaskan? i've never actually *met* her, but i have a friend who's from alaska. she may still live there, i can't remember. did you ever play spyro? I STILL PLAY THAT SHIT BROTHER do you think mouse traps are wrong? the more inhumane ones, absolutely. who is your favorite fictional character?  pyramid head what's your favorite board/card game? board game, i guess clue, but i don't really like board games. card game, "magic: the gathering." have you met the last person you kissed’s parents? no. who is the first person you see in the mornings? always mom. she sleeps on the couch just outside my room. have you ever kissed anyone you weren’t dating? no. are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? i don't have a *best* friend, but i'll answer this question for the two people i'm closest with. one doesn't have a boyfriend, the other's married. her husband's cool. there’s a serial killer in your house, what do you do? climb out a window. can you commit to one person and one person only? yes, that's the only thing i want to do in regards to a relationship. i'm strictly monogamous. how many different colleges have you gone to? two do you believe it is possible for someone to change? i take two things daily and then another if i need it. are you a submissive person?  usually, very. do you believe everyone should learn another language while still a child? hmmm. maybe. how do you feel about tattoos and piercings?  love 'em. great form of expression. do you care what people think?  a bit too much. did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? the one before by fucking eons is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? james hetfield, baby. yummy. are you embarrassed to buy condoms? i never have, but i'm not sure if i would be. probably not so long as i had other things with me. but i'd still most likely use self-checkout. have you ever picked wild flowers? yeah. have you ever seen a mountain in person?  yes<3 do you prefer jam or butter on your biscuits?  jelly have you ever explored somewhere abandoned?  yes. which season do you think is the prettiest? autumn have you ever found a four-leaf clover? yes. true story, we noticed a four-leaf clover patch in our front lawn the day after my father left the family. what's your favorite type of bird? barn owls when was the last time you made out with somebody? like a year and a half ago what month of the year was your mother born?  august what's your favorite type of bread? pumpernickel, yum. do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? yes. do you consider your goals easily achievable or are they pretty grand?  in-between, i guess? my main goal is to be a successful photographer, and photography is a veeeeeery competitive industry. did the last person you kissed have piercings? yep, lip piercings. do you believe that your first true love can be your only love in life? (s)he can be, sure. are your boobs real? yeah. is the last person you kissed mad at you?  most likely would you ever be a stripper?  under no circumstance. who was the last baby you held? ryder, my nephew. do you believe there's two sides to every story?  i mean sure. don’t you miss chuck e. cheese? of course. i loved that place. would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? i have one on my collar bone. what do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? i don't care if you have small or big boobs, wear a bra in public, please. do wasps scare you?  YEAH have you ever worn flipflops in the snow?  lol yes do you like the ends of bananas? i don't eat the end. have you tried playing cranium? yeah. i loved those games. what was the one where you were at a festival? that was my favorite. did you own a playground set when you were younger?  a swing and a slide. do you know how to use photoshop? only very minor things. how about sony vegas? yes. when people smoke around you, does it make you cough? yes. have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? not entirely. mom claims that dad cheated on her, but honestly? i doubt that very much. my mom lies about my dad a LOT. who was your most romantic moment with?  jason who does your most embarrassing moment involve?  jason. who is your oldest friend?  he's 30-ish. sam. your youngest?  17. chelsea. who have you known the longest?  that's still my friend? colleen or summer, not sure. what was your favorite tv show as a kid?  pokemon what do you think makes crop circles?  very bored people. what are you most known for?  being addicted to meerkats lol who's your favorite cousin?  i don't really have one, considering i'm not very close to any? but audrey or brenna are the ones closest regardless. what would you do in the event of an apocalypse? die, obviously? what teacher inspired you the most? how did they? coach collie. he was so wise and intelligent and caring. would you rather go fully blind or fully deaf? blind. i couldn't live in silence. what are your feelings on feminism? people tend to take it WAY too far. describe your first relationship?  it was puppy love. we were close friends and both thought it was more when it really wasn't. describe your last relationship?  a worthless endeavor. wanted to like him when i really didn't, and he proved why i didn't. name all the pets you’ve ever had. trigger (collie), angel (lab), teddy (beagle/cocker spaniel/collie), dale (cockapoo), harley (lab/pit), delilah (don't know what she was), cali (boxer), bentley (jack russel mix), charcoal (cat), eeyore (cat), aphrodite (cat), oreo (cat), chance (cat), bobbie (cat), cheshire (cat), loki (cat), lexi (cat), at the minimum like 30 other cats, squeak (guinea pig), snickers (guinea pig), harry potter (guinea pig), another guinea pig, eurydice (gerbil), another gerbil, rhoka (rat), tezzeret (rat), rhett (rat), link (rat), mona lisa (ball python), cato (ball python), venus (ball python), shadow (chinese water dragon), and i'm sure i'm forgetting some... we've just had sooo many pets. do you put posters on your bedroom walls? my walls are covered in posters and drawings. has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?  yeah, but i'm not. do you have a lot of hair on your arms? or none at all?  i guess i have a normal amount. what would you do if you were stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean? oh my god. i've no idea. probably just wait until i starve to death if there was no way to contact anyone. would you ever sell your soul?  no. what was your class song when you graduated? that stupid fucking "this is how we roll" song because i went to school with a bunch of rednecks. what's the scariest living animal that you've petted? rose-haired tarantula. do you brush your tongue with your toothbrush? of course what do you order at chik-fil-a? just the chicken sandwich. soooo good, are you a good kisser? supposedly. do you like 80’s music?  '80s metal, hell yeah. what kind of music are your parents into? mom, heavy metal, dad, classic rock cupcakes or muffins?  hmmm. muffins, maybe. do you prefer the beatles or the rolling stones? the stones do you prefer candles or incense?  incense which fictional villain is your favorite?  harley quinn what nationality is your last name?  scottish do you think trenchcoats are attractive on guys?  hell yeah did you rollerblade as a kid? do you still rollerblade? dude i was a boss rollerblader as a kid. i haven't been in a long time though. when was the last time you drank strawberry milk? all the way back in elementary school when i tried it for the first time. it was fucking awful. never had it again. do you own a pair of fingerless gloves?  i have multiple from my high school days. which of britney spears’ songs is your favorite?  "toxic" is a classic which did you have taken out last, your tonsils, appendix, or your wisdom teeth?  i still have all those. is your father homophobic?  i actually don't know. pencil or liquid eyeliner? pencil. i can't do liquid. have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all? ha ha ha yes. i gave jason a makeover once. do you like any of the songs on "twilight," or the actual movie/saga itself?  for some reason, i specifically remember my little sister watching one of the movies on christmas one year and i remember "supermassive black hole" by muse was on there. i love that song. would you rather learn more about space or more about the ocean? space. do you have a mental illness? if yes, how have you learned to cope with it? if no, do you ever suspect you may have one? i have chronic depression, severe anxiety, either bipolar ii or bpd, plus i'm pretty much recovered from ptsd. and honestly, the main reason i'm able to cope with it all is because i'm properly medicated. but also deep breathing is a life saver. also continuously trying to think logically is very important. have you ever been tempted to start life over somewhere else? yeah. mom once contemplated letting me live with my cousins in new york when i was still really bad after the break-up, but i didn't want to. do you have a favorite character from the avengers?  loki and thor. do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? noooo. i don't like sprinkles. honestly, have you ever crashed a party before? no. which subject are you better at - science or history?  science do you know how much you weighed at birth? how much?  six or seven pounds, don't remember which. what noise does your favorite animal make?   they bark, chirp, etc. they make a lot of noises. do you like turtles, fishies, or frogs more?  hmmm. fish or frogs. choose: skygazing, or stargazing? ['skygazing', as in clouds, etc] stargazing, i assume. are you modest? i.e changing in front of others, etc? very, honestly. would ever go skydiving? what about bungee jumping? probably not, honestly. i'd be too scared of something going wrong. do you like breadsticks or dinner rolls better? why?  breadsticks, and because i just do? do you find it odd when males wear make-up and other such things?  no. do you curse in average conversations?  depends on the person i'm talking to. red, white, yellow, or pink roses? i like the pink ones that also have a peach gradient. do you ever wear colored eye liner? no. are you embarrassed about your sex life or lack thereof? no. have you ever seen a shooting star? i believe so. i've also seen a star explode! are you a comic book geek?  nope. do you think if someone is in a relationship, that it is acceptable to have sleepovers with other people of their preferred sex? honestly, no. that just sounds... weird. does the majority of the music you listen to have a lot of cursing or very little? what about when you were younger, did your parents approve of you listening to music with explicit or vulgar lyrics? some, but definitely not the majority. and mom didn't let my sisters and me listen to explicit stuff. for those who have anxiety, has anyone ever told you that you just need to calm down and actually face your fears? were you insulted or frustrated by this comment? oh, i've heard it more times than i've heard my own name. and i get both insulted and frustrated. it's ignorant as fuck to say that. what is your favorite song by coldplay? "clocks" is there something that you thought you would’ve outgrown/gotten over by now, but haven’t? forum role-play. what is your state’s largest city? raleigh, probably? maybe charlotte? do you listen to rise against?  not actively. i love their song "re-education through labor," though. have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? no, thankfully. did you play in the sand box as a kid? true shit, i created a trend of digging tunnels in the sandbox at school lmao. have you ever taken another person’s prescribed medication?   yes. pain medication. what’s important about april?  my sister's and dad's birthday are in april. would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together? well yeah, my mom's past menopause and she's also divorced to my dad... would you consider adoption?  i don't want kids. but if i did, i think i'd be more likely to adopt like a pre-teen. what’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet?  a lab/pit mix. do you ever put fruit on your cereal?  ew, no. how do you usually celebrate your favorite holiday? not really with anything. :( i don't have the money for costumes. we do decorate the house, though, and carve pumpkins, but that's not usually on halloween day. do you think age matters in friendship? no. i have a close friend who's 30 and he is like my brother. are you more likely to eat when you’re bored or depressed?  depressed. do all of your exes share the same eye color?  yes. have you ever been on a ferris wheel?  yeah! are you an organ donor? yes. what would you name your pet snake if you had one?  i do have a pet snake, and her name is venus. do you like peanuts?  no.  i hate nuts. when was the last time you absolutely could not hold back your tears and broke down in a place you didn’t want to?   i'm not sure. how many tim burton movies have you seen? what do you think of his movies/animation style?   oh my, i've seen a lot.  and i adore his style; he's my favorite director. have you ever met someone who was truly insane?   at mental hospitals, yes. does anyone in your family have a serious mental illness?   my half-sister is schizophrenic. do you think you could handle having an autistic or mentally disabled child?   i don't think i could handle a kid to begin with. ever been homeless?   no, thankfully.  well, we were evicted once and i had no "permanent" house at the time, but thank god colleen let me stay with her. if you were given the chance to go scuba diving, would you?  YES! have you ever seen a live seahorse?  in aquariums, yeah.  i love seahorses. (: what color did you first ever dye your hair?   i got purple highlights. is it rare for you to feel embarrassed?   not at all.  i am like constantly embarrassed about everything. is there a website you visit regularly because it's funny/amusing?  facebook.  i go on there more for the memes than keeping up with friends lmao what’s your favorite kind of cap’n crunch?  the one that's all berries.  damn, now i want some. do you get upset when a dog jumps on you?   not "upset," but i don't enjoy it. are your bras all simple/plain or do you like having funky/colored bras? if you're a guy, do you like how girls look in bras?   i don't like plain bras.  mine have to have at least some kind of design and preferably texture. what’s the scariest thing that’s happened to you?   something i'm pretty convinced was paranormal.  i was home alone, trying to go to sleep, and my dog teddy was seriously on edge.  then he randomly jerked his head up from where he was lying beside me and started barking his head off, staring at the foot of the bed.  i'd been feeling weird all night and was fucking horrified; i tried to pull teddy's head back down because him staring with his fur raised was really scaring me, but he refused to lie his head back down.  i was fucking shaking.  he finally stopped long enough for me to call my mom almost crying.  she got our neighbor to come sleep at the house with me (my family was away at a dance competition).  and mind you, it was like, 3 am, so i was fucking terrified to the point where i was fine with waking my poor neighbor up about it.  she was very, very sweet about it, though. has an ambulance ever came to your house?  maybe?  i'm not sure, we may have needed to call when ashley had one of her episodes... ever owned a turtle?   yeah, briefly. do you like paramore?  they're okay. do you think mice are cute?   YES! is there a particular fruit that you dislike? which?   i don't like cantaloupe or pears. what's your favorite birth stone?  rubies! do you like pomegranates?  YAAAAAS as a pet, would you rather have a gecko or a turtle?   gecko! did you ever own a gameboy color? if so, what color was yours?  yes.  red. if you were going to go to the movies today, what would you want to see?  is "baywatch" out yet?  it looks funny. if you had the power to control any one of the elements, which would it be?  does darkness count?  if not, fire. at what age do you consider people to be old?   70 do you ever wear chokers?   i did in high school.  don't know if mine still fit me, though.  haven't had a reason to wear one. do bees scare you?  not bumblebees or honeybees, but like wasps and hornets, fuck yeah. do you prefer margaritas or martinis?  i've only tried margaritas, which i love. what's your favorite song by the killers?   "mr. brightside" which owl city song is your favorite?  "hot air balloon," probably. what birds do you commonly see in your town/city/province?   crows, sparrows, robins, blue jays, etc... have you ever had a tonsil stone?  no.

[ancientcalamity]

『                     193 out of 200 followers...                          Pfft, close enough! Hello, everyone!     Thank you all for following me. I'm grateful and... it's been many     years since I last made a Follow Forever or anything like this;     been years since I've trusted people enough to really bother,      so it was hard for me to do. There's going to be that bias list below,     the different people I know/have come to know/am in the process     of getting to know and that have changed me for the better I guess     you could say? So, to all of you, even if you aren't on the list, 

                                    thank you.

I’d like to put a warning here that it gets pretty personal below the cut, so for a tl;dr of the names, they are as follows: 

@guidcnce

@blessedbisha

@divineveena

@hafuriyuki

@calamitouscyan

and last but not least, @shinxki. 

Not only are they extremely skilled as writers, they’re extremely wonderful people altogether. 

Now...

                      If ya continue to read, it’s yer choice now.                                            It’s long.     』

As a child to early teen, I'd gone through multiple different types of abuse ranging from sexual to mental and while I'm not a coo-coo person going out to murder random people (lol) or anything like that, I do have mental illnesses and I've had physical disorder(s?) that I'm still going through/getting past thanks to my history. 

           Each day, I feel horrible waking, honestly.

Don't feel worth it. I'm obnoxious. I'm pushy. I'm clingy. I'm a creep. Still getting to know myself as a person. Still getting to understand emotions again. Still getting to being normal in some way. Still trying to get to the point of not blaming myself for any and everything bad that happens to me or my loved ones.

Those sorta things and of course the other usual stuff besides depression.

Anxiety.

Mild schizophrenia.

Extremely mild dissociative disorder.

aaaaand lastly paranoia.

I don’t think I’m too ‘out there’ with my mental issues and I think I’m sane enough to handle myself out in the world so yeah. My eating disorder isn’t here any longer but I do forget to eat by accident (woops!) so my anemia decides to go 

and so, I, in return, go

“-dies-”

I came to the Noragami roleplaying fandom on October 22nd, 2016, but I wasn’t really... out there and not known to much of anyone. I didn’t post for long periods of time, too, and I just sorta accepted it cuz ya know? I was new. I met a few blogs here and there but low and behold that didn’t work out but I’m pretty used to having shit go down the drain for me. It wasn’t odd or anything for me and for a bit I’d though about deleting, remaking, and going to another fandom. 

Fast-forward to late November-beginning December and I get a follow back by @guidcnce. “Whoa! Cool! A Kazuma! Holy shit a Noragami blog is following me!” I said, getting overly excited as I ate my Oreos that day-- “Lemme check out their blog!” 

Lil’ ol’ me goes to see the blog, I’m happy, excited-- and my eyes fall on @calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @hafuriyuki.

“....Shit.”

“Okay, so 1.) There’s another Yato and holy fuck, his blog is great, 2.) There’s a BISHAMON ( @divineveena ) but she talks to @calamitouscyan too (fuck me sideways) and 3.) A YUKINE! ( @hafuriyuki ) YAAAA- fuck he tALKS TO @calamitouscyan too?!?!? HOW FUCKING FAMOUS IS THIS DUDE?? Shit, they must’ve been here for such a long time, shit shit shit shit shit--” 

Insert panicking and anxiety filled Cel here! -pops party streamers- WOOOOOOO! Yer not good enough!! Fuck yeah! You got people that’ve not only been here WAY longer than you but your blog LOOKS LIKE TRASH AND SO DO YOUR ICONS! NICE!

Yooooooooooou suuuuuuuck!

I suck it up, keep my emotions to myself and wing it with @guidcnce; I got new followers, I meet with OCs and canon rpers, I talk and plot with people, things goin’ great! Kazuma’s bitch ass is being one of the nicest people I’ve met and holy fuck if it wasn’t for them being so nice/lenient with me I wouldn’t-- WAIT. THAT’S NOT IT!

DID YOU KNOW MY YATO IS NOT A /NORMAL/ YATO??? NO?

...

why the fuck are you reading this then?

Go read my About and Rules, you fucker I swear to GOD I WILL FUCKING END YOUR LI- 

....

..........

...moving on.

Kazuma had the NERVE to not ONLY reply to my starter with them in canon (well written canon might I add if you don’t follow them you might wanna do so cuz ya know they’re great and stuff and mhm good shit-- A-ANYWAYS-), but also responded to my character AS IF THEY WERE IN THE SAME VERSE AND WORLD AND SPEAKIN’ NORMALLY-- I just...

I WAS EMOTIONAL OKAY???? I STILL AM. 

I STILL AM DAMN YOU. 

...They didn’t just treat me right when we met and talked in private but they did so in rp and... I think because of them I started to open up more. Finally, I got in gear with my blog and icons and every thing in general for Tumblr. I made a brand new follow post and I was excited and--

....why are @divineveena, @calamitouscyan, and @hafuriyuki following me??? ........no. 

no.

no.

NO.

NONONONONONONONONONO-- 

I’M NOT READY FOR THIS WHAT IF THEY THINK I’M SHIT WHAT IF THEY MOCK ME WHAT IF THEY TALK ABOUT ME THEY SEEM LIKE FRIENDS I’M NEW WHAT IF-

aaaaand here goes panicking Cel x2.

These people are following me, reblogging from me, SENDING ME ASKS--

I get invited to a group of other people and... I’m afraid. Skeptical and looking back at it, I still am sometimes but... that’s something for another day. 

@calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @shinxki are the main others there and it feels like going to a party in the Office and you know how everything is awkward? Yeah that. 

There are a few others that I’m sad to say are no longer there but... I don’t hate anyone. Was raised differently than that. 

A month goes by and I feel better to talk to others, a few events have happened, and it looks like I have a brand new roleplay partner! Not only did @calamitouscyan and @shinxki include me in something I never thought I’d do- having an OC shinki, a LIVING-- ...dead? ... breathing? ... 

fuck it, whatever-- AN OC SHINKI THAT WE LITERALLY FIGHT TOGETHER, but they were supportive during the whole time. @hafuriyuki joined us soon and both of the shinki got along and just...

Everyone was together. An actual family and a group. @calamitouscyan turned out to be another ‘self’ (DICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) ((don’t ask, they’ll get it)) in not just rp but /outside/ it too because of our cultural similarities and it moved to the point I showed a game I was playing and they joined. THEY JOINED AND WE DANCE TOGETHER IN GAME!

I’M NOT KIDDING, LOOK!

I have a friend to play with! 

Outside of the game, @divineveena ruins my FUCKING life because we managed to make a relationship for Older!Yato and Bishamon, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they tried to kill each other at one point. 

A BrOTP to such a point-- ugh it’s been years.

YEARS.

Trusting people has not been something I do and after YEARS of agony she managed to be my literal best friend and it makes me want to cry.

FUCK WE CAME UP WITH STUPID AS FUCK ‘CRINGE’ MEME ICONS. SHE HAS ONE OF BISHAMON. HERE’S YATO.

It’s AMAZING.

The amount of memes we make it fuckin’ stupid. I love it.

and now there’s another Bishamon- not giving me two of the same type of person but a Bishamon who’s tragic and heartbroken and has problems @divineveena but another who’s ALSO tragic but also healing and softer. @blessedbisha

She has tried her fucking hardest to bring up spirits and cheer up others and just do what she can for each of us- she’s like a mom. I’m Satan of the fandom so someone has to even out my evil deeds- 

SERIOUSLY, though, when things are down and horrible, they keep moving. 

It’s encouraging. 

Both of them. 

They both try so hard for everyone, even in the worst times. 

Even though I know @divineveena more, I highly doubt @blessedbisha is less caring and both of them fuck up my life as Bishamons because...

ya know.

Bishamon likes beating me up and                       ruining my day SO YEAH.

....then there’s @shinxki.

I believe I met her around two or three months ago, after meeting the other Yato and Bishamon. 

.......

...............

-deep breath-

When I ‘like’ a friend or someone it’s not /that/ type of crush. Not lovey dovey so don’t go cringing away from this post just yet. 

                It’s like...  earlier I said I get clingy; I’ve been abandoned before, multiple times, whether it be for my sexual orientation, my race, my gender issues, my mental issues, my bluntness, or whatever the fuck else people have blown up on me and told me before they left, I’ve been dropped and left. Even recently, when I first started this blog, someone did it within a week because I left to give them space after we had a disagreement. It’s still affecting me, even now. I don’t...

I don’t do well with people hiding things or forgetting me or leaving me behind. I have the phobia about being forgotten or abandoned. It’s full blown and it isn’t pretty. I hate it, but when there’s someone who puts effort into me or something I like and at the same time they talk to me about their issues and don’t hide those things from me and trust me and want to actually bother with me and put up with me and it’s just

-rambling- 

IT’S LIKE

“THIS IS MY FRIEND. THIS IS /THAT/ FRIEND. THIS IS THE MAJOR FRIEND. LOOK AT THEM. LOOK. DO YOU SEE THEM? THIS IS THE BAE OKAY LOOK.”

I guess what I’m saying is she’s close. She means a lot and I’m grateful that she

-puts up with me -likes me as a friend -is my shinki -is my ship-friend -is honest with me -is blunt -goes off on me -snaps at me -gets mad at me -doesn’t put me on a pedestal -doesn’t hide things from me

the list goes on but I guess you get the point.

......When I was either 11 or 12 or somewhere near that age, I made a promise to myself, not a nice one and the date of that promise is coming but/and for the first time in a long while, and I mean years again, I don’t know what to think about it and I’m not sure if things will end up going to that point. 

To be fair, the only thing I really want now is a job and to go to school. I have a great mom and I actually have friends so... that’s all I want and... 

...I think I’d be okay if I had that. 

Maybe a therapist and/or a counselor again, too (lmao)...

but... I have these guys to thank for helping me get as far as I have. My life only seems like it’s a downward spiral but they all make me so happy and I owe a lot to them. I’m brash, harsh, blunt, depressed, anxious, and all around a not very pleasant person to be around and all of them try for me and each other. ...They all put themselves down or they’re unhappy in some way and it hurts, because they mean so much more than that and I don’t know what else to do for them. 

I’m a person behind a computer screen so...  -shrugs- 

A ‘thank you’ isn’t really enough. Not a simple one, anyways. 

You each mean a lot to not only me but others and I want you and other people to know that. I’m not dead yet, so ya have to be doin’ something correct, right? 

...

I’mma stop rambling and leave this here for you all, alright?

                              𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑤𝑖𝑛𝑒.

                                                                  - 𝖈𝖊𝖑.