#since Sunday including a ton of more self destructive stuff

[fispy]

It’s soo fucked up that getting daily exercise actually is helping and making be feel better. Everybody should have been wrong actually.

[youcantclipmywings]

another crazy ass super late update w waaaay too much info

Hey y’alll... I’m kinda back? Sorry again for never being on this account. I want to be on it more but I get so consumed with my life and then I forget... not an excuse but an explanation. 

TW for all the usuals (drugs, etc) plus fun high school bs cropping up 2 1/2 years later :)

So last time I updated I was excited about going back to school and was feeling really lost and alone, as well as hopeless about my romantic life and my really intense cravings to smoke weed. A lot has changed since then... lol

My school decided to only do online schooling, understandably, but it sent me into a horrible spiral when they announced that. The idea that I’d be stuck at home for another 5 months... I just couldn’t take it. There’s a reason I went to boarding school after treatment. My parents fucking suck!!!! So I was venting to one of my best friends (C) who lives in another country even though she goes to school in the US (we met in treatment) and she invited me to come stay with her and her family in that country for a few months just so I could get away from my family... and now I’m there! I have dual citizenship with that country and the US because one of my parents is originally from there, so she applied for me to get dual citizenship when I was born, and I still have family here. Anyways, I’m now starting week 2 of my quarantine (which ends on Sunday (sep 20th) but I’m so happy to be here. I needed to get away and COVID just isn’t as bad here and I feel less depressed and like life maybe isn’t that hopeless, which is exciting!!!

I have smoked a bit more recently but I’m trying to lessen it or make sure I’m only doing it when I’m interacting with friends (either in person or via facetime). 

So, since I got to this country, there’s been a couple slightly interesting things occurring, relationship-wise. C is dating this guy and has been for the last 2 months and I guess he has a friend (J) who’s single and got really hyped when he found out C had a friend coming into town. C told him if he wanted to even attempt to be with me in anyway whatsoever he had to be my friend first and take things hella slow, but apparently he’s kinda a himbo so who knows if he’ll heed that warning. He added me on snap and told me he’s gonna take me out to a meal and later C told me he was bragging to her bf about how impressive it is that he said that (I think he’s kinda a fuckboy but C said her bf was initially too). Idk how I feel about any of this. I’m trying to not pass any judgment until I meet him a few times. 

A few nights ago, I got a snapchat message from this dude (JB) I knew from junior/senior year of high school (after treatment). Now, when we were in high school we were best friends. I had a small group (A, M, JB, and myself) and we all hung out all the time and were super close. A and JB dated junior year and then almost dated again senior year but she kinda ghosted him last minute and started dating someone else. JB also dated two other girls our senior year (this info is all relevant I promise). JB and I were kinda like brother/sister- we got along really well and had similar sense of humor but there wasn’t any attraction between the 2 of us. He liked skinny, kinda crazy (in the whole “omg I’m so fucked up pay attention to me” obnoxious way where they aren’t actually mentally ill, just annoying) girls and I was overweight and even though I’m legitimately mentally ill, I’m stable and high-functioning, and also... he’s short (well the same height as me but I’m tall) and skinny and just not my type... but anyways there was no attraction there. After high school, we all kinda stopped talking. M was a freshman while we were all seniors (I stayed in contact with him and still consider him to be like a little brother- I love him sm he’s my lil baby), but I haven’t talked to JB or A much since. We all went off to college and started new lives... JB and I talked a bit over that summer between senior year of high school and freshman year of college and he did call me a few times throughout freshman year (holy fuck that’s when I started this acc......) but whenever he’d call he’d only talk about himself. He’d talk about how he was drinking too much and smoking too much and he’d say kinda racist shit about his girlfriend at the time’s exes (since they were black... I guess that reflected poorly on her in his mind... fucked up mindset in my opinion) and he’d never ask me about myself. I was in overwhelming, immense pain constantly because of my ankle... I was high all the time and drinking regularly too, while hiding it from everyone, including my therapist. I was in a dark place and there he was calling me to talk about himself for really long periods of time. 

Anyways, I started avoiding his calls after awhile and then he stopped calling. He doesn’t know I had my ankle surgery. He doesn’t know I took a semester off of college to recover. He doesn’t know I met my genetic mom. He doesn’t know I’m struggling with some issues still. Then, in December 2019, the day after my mom had a heart attack, he started frantically messaging me on snapchat, begging me to talk. I told him that I couldn’t, that my mom was in the hospital and I was overwhelmed, that I had a ton of dr appointments and meetings and needed to make sure my mom was okay, but he wouldn’t lay off. I guess I felt some sort of loyalty towards him since we used to be so close, so I said “okay, you can call me anytime in the next 30 minutes, but that’s it” and he responded immediately, saying “I’ll call you in 5 minutes”. He never fucking called. After that, I decided I was done. He’s no longer my friend. And we hadn’t spoken since until a couple weeks ago where he messaged me and told me he missed me and I responded with a “yeah it’s been awhile” and then left him on read after he responded back with some other bs. 

Then this past weekend, he messages me out of nowhere talking about how he misses me and again, I say “yeah, it’s been awhile”. He says that there’s been something he’s wanted to tell me for a long time and he wishes he would’ve said something when we were in high school. I asked what the fuck he was talking about and he was like “I wish we could’ve dated. You were always so nice to me and we got along really well. I thought you were beautiful, caring, funny, and sweet. We had the sense sense of humor and enjoyed doing the same stuff. I liked you a lot and wish we could have dated.”... I was like.. “Uhhh... what made you realize this?” and he said “Idk I just realized it now” and I was like “yeah I’m just a little shocked because it never seemed like there was any type of relationship vibes there” and he was like “really?” and I was like “dude... you literally dated 2 girls and almost dated a 3rd...” and he was like “I feel like I knew I liked you then” so at that point I facetimed my friend M and was like “did JB like me in high school” and he was like “nah he liked A and those 2 other girls” and I was like “yeah, he’s saying some bs and I just need confirmation that I didn’t miss any signs” and he was like “yeah you guys were just really good friends” so I messaged JB back and was like “so what motivated you to tell me this” and he said “I don’t know I just felt like I should tell you” and I was like “well where do we go through here”... now, I said this knowing he’d say he wanted to date. I didn’t want to date him but I did want to let him down easily. M had told me while we were facetiming that JB had dropped out of college and gone to rehab so he was obviously struggling. I think he’s just super lonely during quarantine and he’s reflecting on high school (when he last felt happy) and is creating something that wasn’t there in hopes that it’d be reciprocated and he’d feel less lonely. He and A both had relationship/intimacy issues and were both really hyperfocused on always being in a relationship, so I’m not surprised he’s still like that. I am surprised it’s gotten to a point where it’s delusional... 

Anyways, he responded saying “where do you wanna go?” and I said “I asked you first” and he said “I want you wbu” and I said “I don’t know dude... I’m a super different person than I was 2 1/2 years ago and I’m sure you are too and I’m just not sure if we’d be compatible now that all this time has passed... also I live in a diff country now so we’d never actually see each other.” I know saying I live in a diff country now is kinda lying because it makes it seem like I moved permanently but I think it was necessary to get my message across so I don’t feel bad. He responded and he was like “yeah I guess that’s true” and I said “yeahhhhh” and he was like “I really want to be with you” and I said “I guess timing is everything” and he said “yeah I guess :(” and then I left him on read and that was the end of that conversation. I feel like a really good person for letting him down as nicely as I did because I felt like saying “nah I’m not fucking into you” especially since he’s been such an awful and selfish friend since we left high school, but I decided to be the bigger person because I know he’s struggling right now. And I feel sad that he’s reached a point in his life where he’s creating something that never existed because he’s so lost and alone and confused. I wish I could be there for him but I just can’t... 

My therapist says I can be too loyal to people sometimes. Even when people hurt me, I’m still there and I feel like I owe it to them to stick around and support them. I pretend like I’ll drop anyone that hurts me, but it’s obvious I’m loyal since I’m still willing to treat this dude with more kindness in this one interaction than he’s given me in 2 1/2 years. I want to be a kind person but I don’t want to be loyal to a fault... I think it’s harmful and self destructive. I need to work on it. 

Anyways, last night when I got out of the shower I had a towel wrapped around me and felt something weird and looked down and a giant spider was crawling around on my tiddy... I screamed so loud I’m surprised the family I’m staying with didn’t come running into the guesthouse from the main house to make sure I’m okay lol. I killed it with my textbook, which is now sitting in the corner of the room because I’m not in the right mental space to clean spider guts off a textbook after that whole ordeal. 

C’est la vie...