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lynzishell · 1 month ago

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The Past 💛 Atlas

For the second year in a row, Rainy Day has rented out the Casbah Gallery for their Winter party. When I arrive, most people are taking the time to walk through the exhibits, but art galleries have never really been my thing, and neither have large groups of people, so I bypass them both and walk up the stairs to the second floor where the party itself will take place.

“Atlas!” I hear the familiar voice of my sister call out from behind me just as I’m about to walk inside. I glance over my shoulder to see her and Phoenix climbing the stairs and pause to hold the door for them.

“Good timing,” I say as they walk through. They’ve both dressed up for the occasion, Dawn in a black dress filled with vibrant flowers and a leather jacket with matching red lips and nails. She must have really been excited to get out tonight, she rarely goes to those lengths. Clearly, she even talked Phoenix into putting on a suit jacket, which I imagine wasn’t easy.

They walk in practically hanging on each other, and I wonder if this is what I’ll be subjected to the whole night. Not that I’m not happy for her, but the idea was supposed to be to get them out of their isolated bubble for a little while.

With most people downstairs, the room is nearly empty, which is just fine by me, but we spot Kiyoshi at a table alone, so we join him and say hello.

When the two of them finally break apart so Phoenix can talk with Kiyoshi and make plans for the following weekend, Dawn scoots over and tugs at the sleeve of my cardigan. When I look over at her she flicks her eyes toward the bar, indicating she wants to step away for a moment. She’s being weirdly sneaky about it, which makes me curious, so I nod and turn to the others, “I’m going to grab a drink while there’s no line at the bar, does anyone want anything?”

“I’ll come with you,” Dawn offers quickly, pulling me away while Phoenix and Kiyoshi give me their drink orders.

“What’s going on with you?” I ask her once we make it to the bar.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay. What is it?”

She glances over toward Phoenix and then back at me with a smile, “Phoenix asked me to move in with him.”

“Oh my god, Dawn. That’s fast. Are you ready for that?”

“I know, but it wouldn’t be right away. We’d have to get a new place, and his lease isn’t up for a few months. He just asked me to think about it.”

“Okay, so what do you think?”

“Well, I don’t want to leave you in a bad spot. Our rent isn’t cheap, and you already pay more than your share.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I can cover it until the lease is up and then downsize. I’ll be fine. But is this what you want?”

She chews at the inside of her lip nervously as she nods. “Yeah. It is.” The way her smile stretches across her face when she says this tells me everything I need to know.

“Then that’s what you should do.”

“Really?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Okay,” she exhales a laugh, “Okay! Ah, anyway, how are you?”

“Fine,” I shrug, “Same old.”

As we pick up our drinks and start walking back to the table she asks, “How are things with Asher?”

“Um, yeah, he’s good. Why?”

“Just curious. Is he coming tonight?”

“Yeah, he’s your boyfriend’s date, remember? I assumed that’s why he’s all dressed up.”

She laughs at that, “No, that was my failed attempt to get him to wear something besides jeans or gym shorts.

“You should’ve known better.” Not that I’m one to talk. I couldn’t even be bothered to wear jeans that don’t have holes in them. “But, yeah, Ash and Lex should be here soon. For all I know, they might just be downstairs with everyone else.” As if on cue, a group of people come up the stairs then to get things started.

Someone starts playing music through the speaker overhead while others gather at the bar. I’m only halfway through my beer before we’re surrounded and I start having trouble focusing on the conversation at our own table as those behind me grow louder.

In the far corner, there’s a small room with a sofa that I remember from last year. It’s tucked away and quiet. With the crowd of people increasing by the minute, I have the sudden urge to escape and claim the room before anyone else can. Thankfully, Dawn knows me well enough that I don’t have to say much, nor do I have to hide behind any excuses. I lean over to her and say quietly, “I’m gonna go hide.”

“Okay, I’ll be here,” she says with a smile, and pats my arm as I step away.

I slip into the room, happy to see that it’s empty, and pick a spot in the center of the large black sectional sofa. It’s surprisingly more comfortable than it looks. The wall across from me is lined with large mirrors, and for a moment I stare into it, at myself, at the painting that’s hung on the wall above my head. I like it. I like the splashes of gold among the otherwise muted tones of red and purple and teal. The teal reminds me of Ash, and I wonder if he’s here yet, wonder if he’ll come sit with me or if he’ll prefer to enjoy the party, chatting with Lex and Evan and his other friends. I imagine he’s the type that gets stopped frequently when walking into a party, people wanting to say hello and have a drink and share a laugh. And he’s the type that’s always happy to do so. He greets people with an enthusiastic smile and remembers small details about them, making sure to ask about a family member or pet or an update on a project they’re working on or about the latest episode of a show they like. It’s a quality I admire in him. And one I definitely lack.

“How’d I know I’d find you here?” I smile at the sound of his voice and look over to see him standing there, having dressed up his usual jeans and t-shirt with a cardigan and suspenders. He’s leaning forward, loose and relaxed, propped against the doorway with a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips. Something about it feels incredibly familiar.

“You know me too well," I say, my eyes following him as he steps forward into the room, walks over and plops himself down next to me, slouching down low onto the sofa. And there it is again. The feeling that we’ve done this before.

“What’s with the face? You okay?”

“Yeah,” I shake my head as the feeling fades, “I just got déjà vu.”

“Really? What triggered it?”

“You. Just standing in the doorway like that, and then walking over here”.

“You know what that means, don’t you?”

“No, what?”

“You basically had seizure.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it’s like a misfire in the memory center of the brain. I once read this article about someone with a particular seizure disorder that gave him déjà vu regularly. And then, for like, the next year, I’d panic any time it happened to me even though the article gave assurances that it’s quite normal to experience it every once in a while.”

I chuckle softly, “You have a story for everything, don’t you?”

He shrugs, “Not everything, but yes,” and then he leans toward me, “I like this cardigan, by the way. It looks good on you.”

I smile at him, “Yeah, I’m diggin’ the suspenders.” And, once again, as I reach over and hook my finger around one of them, pulling it taut and then releasing it so it can snap back into place, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m reliving a moment that’s already happened.

“Thank you,” he winks at me, which somehow still causes my cheeks burn, and we laugh as I turn my face to hide it.

“Anyway,” I take an exaggerated breath as I look back at him, “how’s the party?”

He shrugs, “It’s okay. I saw Dawn on the way in. Got to meet your future brother-in-law.”

I roll my eyes, though he’s probably not wrong at the rate they’re going, “Yeah, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. So, what’d you think? Is he an asshole?”

“Nah, he seems okay. He’s going climbing with you guys, right?”

“Yep.”

“Are you getting nervous?”

“No, honestly it doesn’t really feel real yet.”

“When do you go?”

“Not until Spring. April, I think.”

He sits up then, getting animated, yet his eyes look more concerned than excited, “Are you sure it’s a good idea? I mean, it’s dangerous up there, isn’t it?”

I have to admit, it’s kind of sweet that he’s worried, but he really doesn’t need to be. “Well, yeah, of course, but that’s why we’ve taken a year to prepare.”

“I guess. But it’s one thing to be a strong climber. I don’t know, I just can’t picture you as the outdoorsy type, out there surviving the elements and all that.

“That’s probably because you’ve only ever seen me behind a desk in the city. But being in scouts I spent a lot of time in the wilderness growing up.”

“Oh my god, you were a scout?” He seems absolutely delighted by this information which makes me laugh. Nearly all of us were in scouts when I was a kid. It was more strange if you weren’t.

“Yeah, I earned every badge, and I was very proud of it. But we went on camping trips all the time. And when I was fourteen, I went on a survival trip where they basically drop you in the middle of nowhere with minimal supplies and leave you to it for a few days.”

“I’m not gonna lie, that sounds awful.”

“No, it was fun!”

“Fun?! Jesus Christ,” he shakes his head and then looks up at me with a smirk, letting his arm come to rest behind my shoulders, “You never stop surprising me, y’know.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Yeah,” he says, locking his eyes on mine, “It’s a very good thing.” The way he says this, the sudden intensity in his voice and in his eyes, causes the energy between us to shift and I’m suddenly very aware of how close we are, of the way he's leaning into me, of his knee resting against my leg.

If this were a movie, I’d probably kiss him right now. I want to. But the last thing I need to do is complicate or confuse things further.

I clear my throat and lean back slightly. When I do, he catches himself, pulling his arm back and tucking it around his waist as if to keep it secured. “Y’know,” I say, preferring to keep the conversation going rather than acknowledging the obvious, “the way you draw plants and animals, with so much care and detail, I would’ve expected you to be a little more outdoorsy.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I definitely enjoy being outside, going for a hike or spending a day on the beach or in a field or something. It’s relaxing to be out in nature with my dog and my sketchpad. But camping for days out in the woods is a bit much for me.”

“Well, you should come with us next weekend, to Mt. Komorebi. Phoenix wants to go snowboarding, so we’re all just going to hang out up there for the day. And then probably stick around for the Festival of Snow. They make these huge sculptures and light them up, it’s really cool. But it’d be a good opportunity to get out of the city, hang out together outside, away from the computer.”

“Okay, yeah that sounds fun.”

“It will be, I promise.”

“In the meantime, are we still working on our game tomorrow?”

“Yep, planning on it. You can come over whenever.”

“Good,” he smiles. “Well, I’m going to get a drink; do you want one?”

“Sure.”

When he leaves the room, I turn to look out the large floor-to-ceiling windows, frosted at the edges from the cold. It’s begun snowing lightly, the first snowfall of the season, and the city is already covered in a thin layer of sparkling white.

Normally, I can barely endure events like this, and would’ve left by now, but I’m actually enjoying myself tonight, thanks to Ash.

I can’t stop thinking about what he said last weekend. I’ve been repeating his question in my head over and over, “Why are we doing this? Why are we pretending we’re just friends when, clearly, we both want more?” And the truth is, I don’t even know. I think I’m just doing what I’ve always done. Avoiding. Isolating. Pretending. But it’s exhausting, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

He walks back into the room, drinks in hand, with Lex at his side, and I decide to put a pin those thoughts for now. To relax and enjoy the night. But I look forward to spending the day with him tomorrow, and I hope I might get the courage then to tell him how I feel.