#sigh. idk I feel like a lot of the people who are excited aren’t acknowledging that putting a summer unit on for the anniversary headliner

[hasarjunadoneanythingwrong]

like I do feel bad to not be happy about something that a lot of people are happy about but almost every summer servant being lb6 AND the anniversary servant being a summer servant connected to lb6 is just. A lot. Like I’m glad that you like aesc and she works with her already existing narrative but putting a summer servant (bc she is, Morgan shows up in a swimsuit and her alignment changes to lawful summer in third ascension) uo as the anniversary servant is just. It feels really weird to me and i don’t like it. Even pan human history Morgan would’ve felt more suited to the slot than a summer unit.

[deanwasalwaysbi]

I've gotta say, I find the concept of Bedlund trying to Ben-Hur Jensen absolutely hysterical. I'm just imagining Jensen getting a script and being like "Ben?? What's this? Is this gay? This seems gay????" and Ben just soothing him like a frightened horse.

Hahaha - Look it wouldn't be the first time. What is this verb we're working with? Okay. Strap in everyone. The Multi-Oscar-winning 1959 movie 'Ben Hur' had a bunch of gay subtext. The writer, the director, and the second lead actor all knew that Charlton Heston's character, Ben Hur, was gay. However, one person didn't find out until the 1990s: Charlton Heston. The consensus on set was "Don’t tell Charlton, because he’ll freak out." and when Heston found out in the ninties, freak out was exactly what he did. (x) [the movie may have gotten a reference from Misha back in season 6 (x)]

Whether this happened with Jensen on SPN depends on two things.

Was the character of Dean intentionally written as Bi and, if so, at what point did that become true?

Did anyone tell Jensen? Did he figure it out? if so, when?

I personally DO believe at this point, I really do, that Bedlund - Ben Hur'd Jensen. I think it was part of the writers room but not all of it, until it was. (Which RN I believe finally happened under Dabb.) I think Jensen wasn't in on it, until he was. So for me? I think he really was in the dark at one point. But at what point that changed? Probably only he can answer that question. and RN? He ain't talking.

In the meantime we can only look at things Jensen has said on the subject - Like this unbearably ambiguous GIF set from @nikadd. Was this tongue in cheek? Legitimate ignorance? You're killing me, Jensen. That cheeky lil smile, Jensen. Nvm - I'm going to kill you instead. It's for my own survival. No hard feelings right? You understand.

UH OH HERE COMES A CUT TO HIDE A LONG DERANGED POST...

We can look at the text for number 1 - and I do that uh - a lot - see the blog name #Dean Was Always Bi

For number 2 we can look over some points when we got clues from what Jensen thought was going on [regardless of whether they make sense based on his jacting or directorial choices I guess] and get left wondering whether at any point he felt pressured to lie for his career, for self protection, or to protect the narrative from the network: 

2010 - 'We're missing the gay angel' (x) (Season 5 gag reel) (x) “Sorry man, not what the show’s about.” Jared: One of the good and bads about playing the straight [non-comedic] character on the show… Jensen: What wait? I’ve been playing him so wrong

2012 / S8 - Trenchcoat - Jensen talking about how sometimes they change the lines because they're way too gay. Calls Cas a third brother

2012 - "What's Destiel?" Ben Edlund: That’s some weird shit. Jensen: Is this something that you created, Ben? Ben: You don’t want any part of that.

“Don’t ruin it for everyone now” “I still don’t know what the question was. I’m going to pretend I don’t know what the question was.”

2013 @ JIB, re Dean’s reaction to Aaron’s flirting in the season 8 episode Everybody Hates Hitler,  (x)

“And the scene wasn’t written to be that kind of - I mean - It was written to be awkward.  Ben Edlund wrote the - my favorite line in that scene was ‘carry on . citizen’ that was - I almost couldn’t say that with a straight face I was laughing so hard.  But it was - you know - it was comedy. It was a comedic moment in the show and fortunately Dean gets a lot of the comedic moments in the show and it was just, you know, Ben was poking fun at the fact that - you know, how can we make this very kind of manly, heterosexual guy uncomfortable - uh -you know, or  or have him back on his heels and throw him off his game a little bit.”

The thing is - Bedlund and Phil Sgriccia made very clear on the commentary track that THEY saw this scene as a 'romantic comedy kind of fluster' "This potential for love in all places."

Ben Edlund calling the writer’s room a boy’s club in 2013 (x)

Misha Collins telling Destiel fans they aren’t Crazy in 2013 after some executives said they were (x).

2014 Jensen says he was glad there wasn’t much Dean and Cas in season 9  - HA Hah HAH (x)

“I think the whole Cas and Dean thing has gotten out of hand”  “I don’t think there’s anything secret to their relationship even though a lot of people wish there was” REMINDER - that season we got the nightstands acknowledgement and “play him like a jilted lover��� and the “he dumped me James” cut and -

I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that. SIGH. they Ben Hur'd Jensen.

2014 - the fan fiction joke - 10.05

“I didn’t have a positive reaction, The first time in I think 200 scripts I went and sat down in the showrunners office and said, ‘What in god’s name are you doing?! Why? I need to understand why this is happening.’” “[Carver] gave very eloquent answers and did a great job of explaining why we were doing what we were doing, I guess I had been aware of this ‘fan fiction’ for a while and I felt like maybe if I ignored it, it would eventually go away. When I read it in the script that is what I do for a living and is my work—I’m very protective of these characters and the story and I think we have a right to be—I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand why and what was the message we were ultimately sending with this script and story. By the end of it, I felt good and it gave me all the confidence I needed. It was better than I could have ever hoped.”

But then there's Jensen in 2015 talking about all of Dean’s bromances. (x)  [gifs at the top] Could go either way - starting to figure it out? or No?

What had changed if anything? the entire Crowely season 10 story line?  This was July 2015 - the same day as the SDCC 2015 panel where Misha talked about Destiel   (x @ 13) Carver and Dabb were there - 

By this time Jensen and Misha were nominated for a teen choice award for best chemistry against various tv couples (and one ensemble cast, but the award nomination did NOT include Jared) .... Misha and Jensen would go on to WIN this award one month after the panel.

At the Panel Rob and Rich ask the question: “You two have branded yourselves as TV’s greatest team since, ... idk who.... Ernie and Bert so.”  [Misha says to Jensen & Jared, half not on the microphone: “I really didn’t expect them to throw us under the bus.”] “are we going to see that continue? Is the Castiel Dean relationship still aflutter and still growing as we move into season 11?”  Jeremy Carver: “Ish.” [mocking from panel ensues] “Yes. Of course. I mean Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. There’s no doubt.”

Jensen Directs 11x03 and the choreo mimics Goodbye stranger (x)

2016 - Jensen: Dean could have a huntress, but you’d kill her.

Jan 2017 Con the infamous - no hedge - harsh - “Destiel doesn’t exist.” (x)

I would hope that if he knew he wouldn’t have been so harsh with it.  So by that point either he still didn’t know - OR - to him ‘Destiel’ was specifically about internet porn/sex and not like - the potential for feelings / a relationship.  It makes me think about something Misha had actually said, around 2013, “It’s called ‘Destiel’ and it’s about the romantic interludes between Dean and Castiel.” (x)

2017 - jib8 Jensen called Dean a lover of the ladies

May 2017 - After filming the end of season 12:

2018 - Misha confirms he and Jensen have talked about Destiel (x) - also 2018: The Bisexual Dean essay "? No." (Oh god was this really this recent?! I can't deal with this.)

Well. SOMETHING happened in 2019. cuz here it comes

2019 - "Dean has no taste, clearly." 2019 - 'So, tell us just a little bit about what you're most excited to tackle with your character this final season.' "Cas. Just like a full football form tackle."

Look at this face he gave Dean when Cas told him he loved him and tell me he wasn't playing into it here. You can't. (x)

[spelling-checked-mostly]

Idk if you do fic writing but maybe GO -because I'm obsessed and "nanny, why are you crying?" Idk. Kinda feeling angsty. If you don't do fic that's cool too. Idk, feeling bored in here on this Friday afternoon... iloveyourworkpleasestartpostingagainokaythanksbye

Oh uh... wow okay hi. I do write fic, thanks for the prompt. I'm not great at angst /lies/ but I can try. Note that I am typing this on my phone. Warlock was singing- internally of course. Nanny wouldn't approve of the future ruler of hell literally singing. Unless of course, he sings queen. So Warlock sang internally, voicing his joy only in his head. “Yes father, I would love to go.” It’s the first time he has really been allowed to go to an event like this. “I can behave. I promise.” “I’m sure you will not embarrass me. Especially with your nanny there to keep you in line.” Crowley's head shot up. He had very little interest in going to these events. Of the very few things humans did that he actually had an influence in- he hated dinner parties the most. He just found them dreadfully boring. “Yes sir, of course.” He wanted to sit in his room and drink that night out of existence. “I'll make sure Warlock is the perfect son.” As soon as his father had left Crowley told Warlock to go play in the garden. He followed of course. Hunting down the one being on this planet who would understand his opinions on the matter. “Sometimes, Francis, I really hate being perfect.” Crowley ‘leaned’ against a shrubbery and watched Warlock chasing after a rabbit he had found. “You are far too vain, my lady. Though that may be your only flaw.” Aziraphale stood, wiping the dirt off of his hands. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company this afternoon?” Crowley sighs dramatically and looks away. “Do you recall, oh it wasn't that long ago of course you do, when politicians and debate first started developing into a less- er… civil manner. I suggested to some minister or some such that they all get together for a party.” Azira nods. “Honestly, they do seem to resolve things better when they are all in a good mood.” he sighs, “I suppose I should have thanked you for that.” Crowley shrugged. “But are the decisions they are making actually good ones? I had to use a lot of questionable logic to not get in trouble for that.” Aziraphale laughs, only a little. “Well anyway, I have to go to one with the antichrist. I can't imagine it will be enjoyable in the slightest.” And Crowley can see the way his angel physically deflates. Because something is wrong. “Everything alright Angel?” “Hmm? Oh yes, everythings just… tickety boo.” And Crowley rolls his eyes- not that you can tell, but he does it anyway. “We have been over this. No one who is tickety boo actually uses the term tickety boo. What's wrong, come on now tell me. We’re partners aren't me. If you have concerns about the child… or something else?” And aziraphale sighs, and frowns and crowley doesn't like it at all. “It's just… I've been thinking recently… Warlock is getting older and- and well he's not spending so much time at home anymore and you always go away with him and I-I just feel like when you go… I feel- you get more chances to tempt the child than I do is all.” And Crowley laughs. And Aziriphale will never tell him how much it hurts when he laughs at him. “Oh Angel, you should have told me sooner why- we could have certainly found some excuse for you to come with us. Might need a miracle but I can certainly work something out… If that's really what you are so down about.” And Azira forces himself to smile. And Crowley can see through it but he doesn’t say anything. And Warlock comes running over. “Nanny, nanny come look, I’ve killed it.” And Crowley smiles. And Azira gasps. And they go together to find the poor creature. “Very good.” “Now now, Warlock. We should respect and love all of god's creatures. How about a proper burial.” Aziraphale doesn’t give him a chance to argue. He takes the rabbit up in one hand and leads him over to a steadily growing wildlife cemetery. “But Nanny says that-” “The one thing you should respect is your elders.” Crowley smiles softly over at his Angel, even if there is no acknowledgement of what he has said. “Yess nanny, I’ll get the shovel.” “Thank you for that dear.” Aziriphale says it quietly and doesnt turn around. ~~~~~Convenient time skip for exposition~~~~~ “He called me dear. Can you believe that? I mean I know he does it all the time. It’s just his nature. He calls everyone dear. It just felt different this time, you know?” He continued gently misting his plants. “He's a terrible gardener, but I can forgive that.” There's a light rustling and crowley stops. Resting his hand on his hip with all his demon sass. “We have been over this. It’s not like that. Satan though, I wish it was. But could you imagine?” He laughs and goes back to tending his own little garden in his room. “I’d have to teach him how to dance though. Angel only knows one dance and-” “Nanny who are you talking to?” Crowley shrieks and spins and nearly sprays Warlock in the face with the spray bottle before catching himself. “I wasn't talking to anyone. Do not sneak up on me.” He sets the spray bottle down and leads them out of the side closet into the main area. “Sorry. I’m jsut bored because i was listening to father talk about work and i started thinking and - Oh yeah i came up to ask you something.” Warlock grins and Crowley can't figure out if he is proud of or afraid of the demonic gleam in his eyes. “Do you have a date for the party Nanny?” Crowley nearly falls out of his chair. “No-I- Well- Am i supposed to?” He straightens out his skirt and tries to compose himself. “Well, I was listening to father and he was talking about how one of his partners got a new girlfriend and father hates her but he just knows that his partner is going to bring this girl with him and it got me thinking that you are a fairly pretty woman. At least, far prettier than my friends' nannies so i figured you must be seeing someone.” Warlock pauses for air so Crowley takes the chance to cut in. “Well, if ruling hell doesn’t work out I suppose you could make a career in flattery.” He decides he is definitely not going to address the issue of his love life with the antichrist. “It's just that i'd really like to meet him. So i asked father if he hated all boyfriends and girlfriends or if it was just the man he works with and he said that they weren't all bad and he wouldn't even mind people bringing dates to things like this if they weren't so insufferable as that girl so i asked if he would let you bring your boyfriend and he seemed really confused but he said that your boyfriend couldn't possibly be as bad as that girl so as long as you do your job and i really want to meet him nanny.” And again warlock pauses for breath. This time Crowley doesn’t speak. He thinks for a moment before opening his mouth. “Say you’ll take him to the party or I- I’ll- when i take over hell i won't let you have sweets.” Crowley laughs. “Would it still be as exciting if you had already met him?” Crowley could laugh from the look on the boy's face. “You aren’t dating Clyde are you? It would be just like you to date another nanny and he's just so bossy and he doesn’t even believe ill take over hell and… I don’t like him or stupid Jackson and his stupid new toy train.” Warlock folds his arms over his chest and pouts. Crowley does laugh this time. “No, Clyde is too… too much of a nanny. No Warlock, I would be bringing Francis.” Warlock does not look as surprised as Crowley would have expected. “The gardener? I mean I guess I see it but he's so soft and you're so- uh..also soft. But like dark soft.” and crowley nearly growls. “I. Am. Not. Soft. And if you say it again you’ll be going to bed early.” He can hear the plants rustling behind the door. “Well it's just… he looks like he escaped from a male convent.” “A monastery?” “And you look like… you. Like you are waiting for people to find the body of your ex husband who disappeared three years ago so you can play the grieving widow and inherit his fortune.” “You are very creative, warlock. I am eager to see what your future looks like. Yes, seeing as I am aloud I will be bringing Francis as my date to the party. Go play in your room for a but, Nanny has something to take care of.” As soon as Warlock is gone Crowley pops back down to the garden. “Brother Fran- Oh don't scream Angel, it’s just me.” Crowley waits for him to calm down. “I told Warlock we are dating.” “You did what!” “Oh for Satan's sake angel I said don’t scream.” Crowley smiles and brushes his hair back. “Yes, Miss Ashtoreth, I won't scream but I must ask dear. You did what?” “Its brilliant really Angel. And Warlock gave me the idea. Maybe you really are having an influence on him.” The comment goes right over the angels head. “I've told him we are dating. Then you can be my date to parties and things. It’s fine with his father by the way. No miracle needed. You can have just as much chance to influence the boy as me.” And Azira smiles. And Crowley knows it's still fake but he can’t possibly figure out why. So he leaves it alone. “I guess when you put it like that it’s okay to lie.” Oh. Oh right. “Of course Angel. So may I tempt you to join me for a dinner party?” “I suppose. Yes. You could.” ~~~ Time skip because i hold all the power ~~~ “He said yes. Can you believe that. Of course he says its all a lie so he doesn’t really love me but i suppose we've known that this whole time haven’t we? Yes I suppose we have. We’ve been over this.” Rustling. Crowley sneers. “Oh you know what, shove it up your roots Phil. I would run you through the disposal if you weren’t the second most perfect specimen i’ve ever seen. Don’t tell the others of course. How will i strike the fear of- uh- me into them if they know i treat you like this.” ~~~ Time skip because that was just self indulgent~~~ "Oh, Miss Ashtoreth, who's your friend" Crowley cringes at the sound if that voice and grips Aziraphale hand a little tighter, trying to sink into the wall. "Not now Clyde, I'm trying to watch Warlock. Unlike some people, I take my job seriosly." "Oh please, what trouble can they really get into here? Be polite, introduce me." Crowley pouts. Legitimately pouts. And Azira pulls his hand away to offer it to 'Clyde' "I'm Francis, Lady Ashtoreth' partner." Warlock watches Crowley's mental battle to not rip Clyde's hand off when he reaches out. "Im Clyde, of course. I nanny for one of Warlocks friends. Miss Ashtoreth and I are very close, funny she didn't mention you." Azira laughs nervously. "Yes well, as a couple were fairly-" "Private." Crowley takes his hand bag and drags them away. "I hate that man. Honestly, he dares question the legitimacy of our relationship. We are perfect together." And Azira forces are smile. Because he knows. And Crowley can tell it's forced, but he doesn't press it. Because he doesn't know. "So this is the uh… boyfriend Warlock talks about" they spin to the new person, crowley doesn't let go of his hand. It's an awkward turn. "Yes Mr. Dowling." Crowley is beaming. And Azira hates it because his adversary is trying to tempt him again and he can't get in trouble. "I must be honest, I never would have suspected. Of course, my wife always has more of a sense for those things" he nods a little, like that makes sense. "Well sir, we do try to be professional at work." Wonderful excuse Crowley. A genius you are. "Thank you for allowing him to come with us though." "Yes well, you seem to still be watching after Warlock so I don't see the harm in letting you have some life" he sighs, looking around. "Er… would you mind telling Warlock he can't stay for dinner. There are really some important decisions to be made so we are rereading some ending the children home early." "Of course sir" Crowley was not looking forward to upsetting the antichrist. He resigned himself to it, and set about locating the boy again. Every person who cast doubt on his relationship with aziraphale upset him more until he was eager to get out. But of course, every time he looked back at his angel, Azira seemed to be having fun. Laughing and chatting with whoever they had bumped into. And of course, there were people who weren't entirely surprised. Which made it a little easier for Crowley to stomach socializing. Every chance he got to tell someone that he and Azira were dating, he took. He adored being able to say it. Although, he noticed, it did seem to put his date a little on edge. Finally they found Warlock. Or... he found them. "Nanny this is boring, I want to leave." Crowley sighed. "Well you're in luck. Your father is sending you home. Come on now, let's get your things." If crowley were anything other than a demon he might be ashamed to admit that he used a minor demonic miracle to get than hem out without people noticing. As an angel Aziriphale is rather distraught over his own use of a miracle to keep people from noticing them. On the drive home even Warlock can tell that it's tense. Azira waits for Crowley to put the child to bed before saying anything. But as soon as he walks down the stairs. "I can't do this." And he can see Crowley break. Anthony Janthony Crowley, demon from hell, nearly starts sobbing on the stairs. But only for the fraction of a second when that wave of emotion first hit's him can you tell. Then he carefully packs it away. "Can't do what Angel?" And Crowley knows. And aziraphale gives a sad little smile, because he knows. "We aren't right Crowley. Every single person could tell. You could tell" "Aziraphale it's not about what some stupud humans think. We are doing this because- so that you can spend a little more time with the kid. Put us on even ground. Who cares what people say. We can do this." And Crowley hates that he's practically begging and Aziraphale hates that he's practically begging and they both hate this situation. "I can't do this Crowley. I. Me. I cant. I'm an angel Crowley and it's just wrong to lie about something so... intimate. So human. It's wrong to lie to everyone." And Crowley can see that tidal wave comming in again. So why not swim out to meet it. In a flash he's right in front of his Angel. Holding his face. Pleading. "Why does it have to be a lie?" And he hates himself for leaning foreward and kissing that stupid, stupid angel. But for the briefest second he sees heaven. Then Aziraphale pulls away. "I've said it once, I'll say it hundreds of times. Until you understand. You go to fast for me" It crashes over him and he's drowning. "Go. Go away. Go back to your own house tonight. Don't bother comming in tomorrow. Itll be too rainy for you to get any gardening done" "Oh, Dear don't-" "Get. Out. Aziraphale." And he leaves. And the door closes. And Crowley barely makes it up to his room. He doesn't make it up to his room. "Nanny, why are you crying?" Warlock steps out of his bedroom door and puts a gentle hand on Crowley's arm. "That party was just so dreadful" and -for the first time since Warlock had learned to walk- his nanny picks him up, carries him to bed, and tucks him in. "Thank you, Warlock." And then he leaves. ~~~Time skip brought to you by a lazy author and stuff~~~ "He HATES me Phil." Crowley sits in the corner. To dry to cry. He just sits there, staring at the plant. "He he's me and you know what I hate me too and I bet you hate me. Warlock doesn't hate me though. The one person that I need to hate everything doesnt hate me." A dry sob shakes his rib cage. "I've made a discovery though. I do believe angel saliva is some weird form of holy water. I thought ink he was about to kiss me back. Right before he pulled away. His eyes were closed I know it." It's silent for far too long. "I love him, Phil." Ahnhdmhxnabdh I haven't gotten a prompt in like ever. I love you sm. I haven't written GO fic in forever. I did more research for this than for my actual writing projects because I did not preciously know what a male nunnery was called. This was fun. Btw- Phil is a fake plant. Crowley doesn't know yet.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #205

forget picking song lyrics, i’m going the hell to bed now.

Do you live by yourself? I live with my mom. Do you like cleaning? Does anyone???? Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I've never watched the series; not even a single movie, actually. So I don't have an opinion. Do you watch PewDiePie? Extremely rarely. He's funny, but I'm not interested in his channel's content anymore. Do you like "Despacito?" My sister showed it to me once when she learned I'd never heard it, and I found zero appeal in it whatsoever. Do you play Pokemon Go? It's a brilliant idea, and I really do wish I could play it, but here where I live, there are like ZERO PokeStops (where you get Pokeballs), even in cities, so it's pretty much impossible. Did you ever color your hair pink? No. Do you like Dr. Phil? I don't watch the show and don't know him as a person. Do you prefer to be inside or outside? Inside. Do you eat meat? Sadly. I'm HOPEFULLY quitting when I get to the weight I want; I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed when I was vegetarian to where my body was desperately clinging to what it had or something like that (basically, my weight wouldn't budge in a couple of months), but even still, I don't know if I could do it without depriving myself again. I'm just such a picky eater. Do you need to do the dishes? Yeah. Not desperately, but. Are you scared of clowns? No. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? *checks* A very impressive 66. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you like McDonald's? Don't even lie to me, you'll eat there. I don't mind it at all. Do you have a Steam account? Yes. Do you like gaming? Not as much as I used to, but yes. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. I don't consider jumpscares to be genuinely "scary," but rather a natural reaction to surprise, but FNAF's are intense, and I know they'd have me jumping like crazy. That aside, the games aren't of my personal appeal to actually play (though it's a fun game to watch). Do you like horror movies? Yes. Do you like chicken nuggets? I love me my chicken nuggies hunty. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yes. Can you twerk? I don't know and don't care to. Do you like dabbing? It looks stupid to me. The meme of it makes me laugh, though. What was the last country you visited? I've never left the country. Do you know your phone number? No, actually. It is incredibly difficult for me to memorize sequences, and besides, it's not like I give out my number almost ever. Do you swear in front of children? No. What’s your opinion on Brexit? Shit, I don't even remember what it's about. So obviously I can't have an opinion. It doesn't affect me, anyway. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? N/A When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, and you'll never see me willingly eat a bean. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? The two that sharply stand out to me are dissecting an owl pellet in elementary and a frog in middle school. Both were SO cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Excitement. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? Only ever if it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch that I ate. And even then, only sometimes. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? Nothing severe, besides pollen allergies flaring up. What’s your favorite sub-genre of rock? Hard. Who was the last person to get frustrated with you, and why? Mom, but she was more than frustrated. We were having a serious fight about her attitude towards Dad and his wife. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Anti-vax shitlords. What’s your phone background? Lock screen is Darkiplier, home screen is Sara kissing my forehead. :'> Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? A billion cats, dogs, snakes, lizards, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, box turtles, hermit crabs... and probably more. How well do you understand economics? Have you ever taken an econ class? Not well at ALL. I had one my senior year. What was the last fruit you ate? I had two bites out of a watermelon 'cuz I was really hungry, but we didn't really have anything as a snack. (I fast daily, so I have to watch when my meals are.) I'm not a big watermelon fan, but I hadn't tried these cubes before, and at least it was something. Can you remember your first day of school? I believe I can very faintly... very faintly. I think I had a complete breakdown because of my insane separation anxiety regarding my mom, or it was the complete opposite... alskdfjaweiajr it's like I can kinda see it in the back of my head, but it's super blurry. What’s your favorite movie? The Lion King. It was my favorite as a kid and became so again as an adult just truly acknowledging how damn good and meaningful it is. Plus the soundtrack was a banger. Would you rather jump out of an airplane or go scuba diving? Scuba diving. Do you get bored looking at other peoples’ holiday pictures? Eh. If it's a whole lot, yes, but as a photographer, I enjoy noting which ones I like and why I favor them. Do you give money to charity? Not currently, no. I have no money to give. When I do have a paying job, I plan on definitely donating any time Mark does a charity stream. Are you more into music or movies? Music, easily. When was the last time you went to a swimming pool? WOW. It's been years. Either when I still lived in the apartment or once at Colleen's in-laws', I can't remember which was last. Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle? I have a snake, and I'll take another for sure. Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw? Just Alice Cooper. Ma and I are seeing Ozzy next year (if the poor man ain't dead), tho!!!! And he's gonna be with Judas Priest and Megadeth. We are NOT going to survive. Do people who use massive amounts of emoticons annoy you? Yes. Emojis, more specifically. If you're writing a sentence and you use an emoji after each and every goddamn word, it drives me up a wall. What was the last clothing item you bought? Underwear, I believe? Or a bra? What does your washing powder smell like? Idk. Normal? Do you have a dishwasher or do you do dishes by hand? By hand, which I cannot explain how much I loathe. It feels disgusting. Are there any cobwebs in your room? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work? Ew, I'd never use one to begin with. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No to both. The current modelling industry is so, so harmful. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Like around two years ago, I remember going on a mass destruction episode of those super old things, as they embarrassed me horribly, even though I know it had no real reason. Just everything I create embarrasses me. My mom has old school stuff, though. Who did you last have an argument with? Mom today. When was the last time you cooked for yourself? If you include putting things in the microwave with few steps... not that long ago. Maybe two days back. Do you have a safe? Mom does. When was the last time you saw a relative? Mooonths ago when Grammy and her husband were driving through. My brother and his son are visiting real soon, though!! Do you shout out the answers at quiz shows? Yes, lol. Have you ever been in a TV audience? I've been to like three-four hockey games, so yeah. Have you ever entered the lottery? Won anything? No. Well, Mom or Dad would rarely get those scratch-off tickets at random, but the most we've ever got was just like five bucks or so. Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house? No. Do you like making collages? No. Have you ever kept a scrapbook? Yeah. What’s your favorite video-game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Sigh, I want a PS4 SO bad to get the SotC remaster. I actually teared up when I saw the opening cutscene for the first time, and I just marveled through the EEEEEEENNNNtire playthrough I watched. It's unbelievable. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? Not off the top of my head. I'm tired, don't make me think. Have you ever made up a word? Well, as a writer, I've made up names and places. A word itself, I don't think so. Do you get nervous speaking to people you don’t know on the phone? VERY!!!!!!!! Are you scared of anything irrational? You mean like, half my fears? Do you have a passport? What’s the picture like? No. Have you ever had a full fringe? (bangs) As a kid I did. Is there anything you would never admit to liking? Don't think so. What’s the weirdest craze you can remember? Fidget spinners. Do you use bug spray or fly swatters? Fly swatters. Then we also have this hanging cylindrical sticky... thing that flies and gnats are apparently attracted to with the smell, I guess. Works like magic, though I agree it's pretty cruel. Just stuck there until you die. Are you a clumsy person? Boy, am I. Do you have tiled floors in your house? In three rooms. Do you listen to any movie soundtracks regularly? No. Do you bruise easily? Way too easily. Like normally something simple won't leave behind an obvious one, but even a normal poke in the arm hurts a lot and leaves the spot sore for a good while. I was tested for anemia, but apparently, I don't have it. What would you love to learn to do? Play the electric guitar. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Ehhh... lemurs as far as cute goes, monkeys overall. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot. Do you have any phone charms on your mobile? No. What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? That's a big 'ole honkin' nope. Last time you puked from drinking? Never. Have you ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar? No. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor? Vanilla. Though sometimes I prefer chocolate. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? Only for dinner. I forgot the science behind it, but one of my meds for bipolarity only works to its full effect after ingesting at least 350 calories; I only get about a 20% effectiveness of the medicine when eating less. I know it sounds weird, but my psychiatrist is a goddamn genius, and I trust every word that comes out of his mouth. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Two years ago when I was living with Colleen and I didn't have a blow-up mattress yet. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? When???????????????? do I?????????????? not???????????????????????????????????? Do you wear flip-flops? That's pretty much all I wear just about year-round... I remember in 7th grade, one of my teachers asked me about it a lot and I just told her I didn't mind the cold, which was true. Pretty sure she thought I was lying and was too poor to buy new clothes or something, as she gifted me socks one day, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I miss my 7th grade teachers. Best school year. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Pretty sure my niece Aubree when saying bye. What is your favorite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Normal Prego sauce, I think. Have you ever seen a magic show? A little one as a kid. When was the last time you vomited and why? Months and months ago when I was testing a medication. Quit that shit real fast, as it made me sick so many times. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Uhhh I eat in my bed usually, lmao. We almost never sit at the table. I normally do if Mom's there, though. How often do you get headaches? Ugh, often. Why did you call the last person you called? I was calling back about my job application that I was supposed to hear about yesterday. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Do you have Facebook friends that you’ve never actually met? Yes. When was the last time you had your photo taken professionally? Not since senior pictures, pretty sure. I hated how it came out. I have a lazy eye when I smile, gah. How long does it take you to get to school or work? Currently N/A. Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We're both female, so. And neither of us want kids anyway. When was the last time you completely broke down? A couple weeks ago in a totally random and severe panic attack. Do you have someone you can spill your heart out to? Yeah. Is there a person that you would do absolutely anything and everything for? No. I'm not gonna, say, murder someone just because they want me to. What’s something you really want right now? To go and get my tattoo cleaned up by a more professional artist alsdkjfalwei. I got the approximate cost, I just have to wait until I can afford it. This tattoo is so so so important to me and it needs to be perfect. What is your relationship status? Taken. What was the longest time you’ve wasted on a certain person? Not even two weeks lmao. I said yes to dating mostly out of fear of hurting his feelings, and he QUICKLY proved he was NOT for me. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, my iTunes is on shuffle. Anyone you would like to get things straight with? I wouldn't want to be friends I don't think, but I REALLY want to see Jason one final time to tell him how sorry I am. I recently acknowledged just how fucked up I treated him after the breakup; he wasn't the only one who made mistakes. I sure as hell did. He deserves to hear it badly. I do believe our last talk was a good ending, but I feel me finally admitting that I fucked up would be the perfect one. What was the best thing that happened to you today? Seeing Dad for his birthday. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I talk-talked to some WoW friends a couple days ago, though very very briefly. I couldn't figure Discord push-to-talk out and I ended up panicking lmao. What color are the last new pair of pants that you bought? Black. Is your room clean? I should dust and vacuum, but the latter doesn't currently work. List all the countries you’ve visited.  I've never left America. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Shit, whenever they wanted tbh. So long they sounded serious about it and it wasn't just a brief episode of "oh this would be cool." Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Hm. Wendy's or Sonic. When was the last time you weren’t lonely? Jesus fucking Christ, who knows. What kind of movies do you like? Horror, fantasy, Disney/kids' films, comedies, rom coms, and emotionally moving ones. Bats are not spooky or are they? They're adorable, omg. Do you think blue is a gay color? Fuck off. What's your opinion on gays? Fuck off harder. Do you like the song "Womanizer"? Don't even talk to me if you don't. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You can't live your fullest life without having Bojangle's fries at least once. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Idk. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with? Sara. What was the last fast food item you ate? A hot dog. What is your favorite gaming console? You know PS2 was the best, you know it. What was the last major city you visited? Raleigh, if that even counts. Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? No. Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? I hate everything pumpkin-flavored. Is there an antique store in your town or city? I think so... Have you ever been to a baby shower? My sister's. Maybe others', but idr. Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Pretty sure yes. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? Genuinely "romantic" ones, two. Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? I am 99% sure I am the pickiest human being to ever live. Have you ever lived in a house with a pool in the yard? Not a built-in one. What color is your toothbrush? Blue. Do you have gluten intolerance or know anyone who does? I know a few people. Have you ever slept in a car overnight? No. Have you ever fainted? Yes. Do you avoid conflict as much as possible? YUP. Do you like ice cream cake? I'm not a big fan. Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex? Yes. Where is your second home!? The place I'm second-most comfortable is probably Sara's. What song always makes you sad? I avoid listening to "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides unless I just really, really want to hear it. I always tear up due to memories. Have you ever played a game that required removing your clothes? No. Where is your favorite place to be kissed? Breasts and neck. Were you mean as a little kid? No. Who was the last person you hung out with? Dad. What is your mother’s name? Donna. What is your favorite song at the moment? I've been in true love with a heavy metal cover of "Invincible" from the WoW soundtrack for like a full month. What day will you never forget? The breakup night. Suicide attempt. My niece and nephew being born. Meeting Sara. Getting Teddy. First time hanging out at Jason's. 16th birthday. Alice Cooper concert. Putting Dale and Cali down. There's a lot. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Some crazy shit on FB to show Sara. Something you're looking forward to? Getting a goddamn job. What is God teaching you right now? Lul. What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? I was devastated to hear about it; it was the one event that actually got me paying attention to the news. It is a monument of incredible art and history, and for Catholics, a house of their god. I am so thankful the damage wasn't too tremendous. What’s the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? I dunno. Surprisingly. What’s your favorite version of the Bible to read? N/A If applicable, do you underline verses in your Bible? N/A When was the last time you went to church? Not since Colleen had her extreme Christian phase two years ago. What’s the last song you listened to on repeat? "Radio" by Rammstein. That new album's gonna be bangin'. Does your town’s hospital have a good reputation? NOPE. It sure does not. I have no issue with the psychiatric care unit there, though. Every time I went to the ER for suicidal thoughts or the attempt, they were sweethearts to me. But as far as physical health, they do NOT have a good rep. I know someone's grandfather that nearly fucking died thanks to them, and I can't recall what it was exactly, but Mom had some complaints during her kidney cancer treatment. What is your hometown known for? Crime. Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? I honestly miss Colleen sometimes, but I can't go back to her. I can't. I'm done giving her more chances than she deserves. It was nice to actually have someone to hang out with, but she is just overall not a pleasant person. What’s your greatest longing? Financial stability, probably. Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, “this isn’t true”? BOY HOWDY- What are you behind on? Being an adult. I am 23 and a SOOOOOORRYYYYYY excuse for one. Is there someone who’s stolen from you and never got caught? Yes. Someone stole our basketball hoop from my childhood home. Have you been lonely for most of your life? Most of my life, no. What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have one. When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? When I lived with Colleen and slept on the floor for a bit. Do you live near the woods? Yeah, there's woods across the road. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. I wanna be the dumb blonde witch from Hocus Pocus, lmao. A pastel vampire would be pretty cool. And Rhett from the "Sleep Tight" video has instilled in me the great desire to be a steampunk toothfairy at least once. List five things people have been jealous of you for. Idk. List five things you have felt jealous of other people for. More than anyone, a friend of many friends' photography success when I can genuinely and modestly say I really think I'm better than her. That is easily the worst envy situation I've dealt with (and still do), as this is the one that is actually almost spiteful, wrong as that is. Then I have another friend who is a FANTASTIC photographer as well and is now a professional one in the fashion industry, I believe. Then there was a girl I went to school with called Cailin whose drawing skills were naturally INCREDIBLE since elementary school, and I remember back then, me and her would always get the most attention for our work, but she did moreso, but I wanted to be the "best" artist. Once I hit high school I just had great respect for her talent. Next, one of my former best friends Hannia was a natural GENIUS that got perfect scores on LITERALLY almost anything; she had the highest GPA in the entire school, while I was right behind her. And uhhhh five... I have been and still am jealous of my sisters for being proper, successful adults. What is your favorite shade of brown? Like a caramel tone, I guess? What color is your toilet seat? White. Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? Definitely a house. What’s one thing you had growing up that you miss now? Energy. Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Lettuce. Do you listen to instrumental bands such as Hammock, Trentemoller, etc.? No. Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure? Just because my sisters went and Mom wanted me to hang out with them. I may have with my old friend, too. Have you ever self-harmed? Yeah. Never the answer. Do you have any eating disorders? No. I'm afraid of developing one once I (hopefully) get to the weight I want, though. Have you ever met a celebrity? No. Do you like Monster Energy or do you prefer other energy drinks? I hate energy drinks. They taste like poison. Do you plan on getting married? Yeah. Do you want kids? That's a big fat nope. What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t judge. Bisexual. At what time of day do you normally feel the best? The morning. Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. YOU. CAN. GET. BETTER. Seek professional help if you feel suicidal, and after what I understand is a serious struggle, you truly can go into the light at the end of the tunnel. You've got, to our understanding, one shot at this. Don't end it when there is a possibility for a beautiful future. If you’re unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? Have a job and be in school. Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. My mom. Are you friends with any cancer survivors? I don't think so. Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? Hm. Sunset, maybe. Idk. Name a country whose history you know nothing about. Lmao most. What is your favorite store at the mall? Hot Topic. Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? I have a bed. When was the last time you went for a run? Shit, not since high school gym. Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? No. What did you win a scholarship for? Nowhere. What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? Flies. Do you put off things until the last minute? I tend to. Is your mom the same size as you? No, I'm smaller. Do you know any Christians who aren’t judgmental? No shit. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell bananas? Ha ha yup. Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? It's fine. But I want it dyed badly. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? Latin and German. How tall is your father? (Estimate?) Idk. Over six feet. Would you meet Miley Cyrus if you had the chance? No. What is your favorite slow song? Oh yeesh. Idk. Maybe "See You On The Other Side" by Ozzy. Do you believe in karma? No. Do you constantly check your cell phone? No. Only Sara or Mom ever text me, and I pick it up just if the green light is blinking (means I have a message). If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? Well yeah. If you could spend 1 hour 20 years in the future, would you? Yes. I want to see where I am, so long as I can change my behavior to improve that future if needed. Otherwise, I don't wanna know. Are your pets asleep? Teddy probably is, Bentley might be, idk where Roman is, but he likely is, I can't see Mitsu from where I am currently, Venus may be (no eyelids, so you never know) as she's in her rock, and Kaiju is awake. Have you ever wished you were an only child? Never. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? Yes. Have you ever gotten hurt while sledding? No. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? It depends on the subject of them and my mental state. Kid pictures I'm always up for, high school ones are okay, though they can make me really upset with how healthy and skinny I was, and I deleted all photos I had on Facebook of Jason and me last year so I couldn't even risk looking at them ever again, as there's a good chance some would trigger my PTSD. Of all your exes, who do you think you had the deepest feelings for? Jason, obviously. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? I have the most uneventful, bland life. No. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? Idk. What song are you listening to right now? Is this one of your favorite songs? "Alone I Break" by Korn. No, but I love it. What is something you have to explain a lot? My sweating issue. Gross to talk about, but I sweat seriously excessively, like you would not believe. It can be 70 degrees and I'll be sweating in seconds. People worry about it, and in VR, I've had to explain it so many times due to it affecting suitable jobs (I think we can all agree being drenched in sweat at work looks extremely bad). Hopefully I won't have to anymore when my doctor decides what to do about it. It's most likely a thyroid issue, which I have no clue about how to subdue symptoms of. There's really a shitload I have to explain lately between doctors and VR... Which compliment do you receive the most? From those that know me/see me, that I'm losing weight. From people in general, "I love your hair" or something like that. Who were you last on the phone with? My sister. What is one thing you have always wondered? Uh. Idk. I'm sure there's a lot, just nothing's coming to me atm... What do your friends think about the music you listen to? Your family? My friends and I like similar stuff, as do my parents, especially Mom. My sisters are the total opposite of me and don't enjoy metal and the like at all. Has anyone ever told you to grow up? Essentially. Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? Hell no. How many true friends do you have? Excluding family and my girlfriend as they're more than that, like... one or two, it feels like most of the time. Can you honestly say you’re happy right now? No. What is something you are exceptionally bad at? Doing math in my head or spelling up there. AND READING LIPS. Do you have a house phone? No. Who do you love more than anyone right now? Don't make me choose between Mom and Sara. How much money do you have saved up? I literally have $11. Do you like bright/neon colors? Yes, but I prefer pastel. What is your favorite wild animal? Meerkats. Do you ever eat breakfast? I almost always do. Do you remember who your first grade teacher was? Yes. Have you ever won any trophies? What for? Yeah, for A honor roll all through elementary school (save for 5th grade; I got one B and was so upset, lmao), then in all kid sports I played, everyone got lil ones, some from dance I believe, and I think there's one or two others I'm not thinking of...

[krs724490]

4/15/21

I’ve been read Dr. Joe Despenza’s becoming supernatural. and he is talking about making mind movies. which i might do! Right now, however, I will write them out in a detailed fashion to help me envision my future. He also suggest making several for the different areas in your life. I agree that this would be super helpful! I want to make one for my career, my home/environment i exist in, my love life, and my health journey. I will start with my love life because it’s the one that so easily consumes my thoughts so i want to knock it out first. so it doesn’t distract me as a i move through the others. I may come back and add detail later. or rather i should. well we’ll see how this practice goes.... 

1. LOVE

I deeply sighed before writing this because I’m not so sure. If that makes any sense. Like I’m unsure of what I want my love life to look like because I don’t fully trust myself with love. Which sucks. I’ve just gone down too many rabbit holes and its funny because in my head I always say “waste my fuckin time” in that funny voice. but what it really is is me wasting my OWN fucking time because I don’t feel like I have the self control to stop myself from being with men or from discerning which ones are worth my time. I think back to Collin Thiex from less than a year ago and I laugh. Same with Cooper Johnson. Two boys that were so clearly wrong for me and yet at some point I was swept up in them. Maybe it’s because I have met Chase and Tyler and they’ve raised my standards for men. They make me believe that better men, men more meant for me are out there because I’m done wasting my energy. The saddest part is that I keep thinking.. what if I’m wrong about Tyler? What if its just another one of those honeymoon illusions where I think the guy is great in the beginning and then he ends up “waste my fuckin time?” I dont know. I don’t know if I believe in marriage. I’ve just seen too much divorce. Too much shift in people’s lives and maybe I’m too selfish to work with someone like that. You need to value the relationship SO much to prioritize it and make it work. I want to think that I could end up married to someone who challenges me in the best ways. Who encourages me to be my best self and helps me do so. I run a pretty tight ship. I like to be on my routine. On my game. I don’t like to drink or smoke or do anything that feels unproductive. I think Tyler drinks more than I do. Or I know he does. I dont think I want that to be a big part of my life. I do fitness. I dont have room for a hangover. There is just no space for it. Tyler is so amazing in so many ways but I’m just NOT SURE. and i know i dont have to be. but it sucks not to be because your brain is constantly searching for answers. its like im getting closer and closer to that person. and i love chase. chase is me. chase and i are the same. and like FUCK because he’s just so out there. I feel like my husband is an aubrey marcus type. idk. maybe it is tyler?! i know he cares about being healthy. i just OIJAOSIJDOADJIASOPJD. im so young. when i envision my love life in the future. i see white. i see nothing. i have no expectation. which is good. i think for love thats all i need. wow it took me all of this goo to come to this conclusion. my love life is a blank slate. i dont have any ideals here. Other than our interactions building me up to have more energy rather than sucking my energy away. i dont know about marriage. i dont know about a relationship. i just take that shit day by day because to have this fairytale planned out is just unrealistic. I meet so many men. I love men. I love them. I just dont know if one really fits into my life. like SUPER well. this is just me treading lightly because of what ive been through. i need to accept that this one doesn’t have an answer and move on lol.

2. CAREER/MONEY

All I want is a job that can sustain me without too many frills. I want one that can sustain my basic habits. My grocery bill, car insurance, random nights out with friends. Where I can save up for a flight home. I want to know all aspects of my finance. I want to have it as nailed down as the meal plan I’m going to have. I want to track where everything is going. I want to have it on lock so that when I do go astray I know I have the space for it. Let’s say I spend $2000/month. I want to save for retirement, save for plane tickets to visit ppl, save for trips. I want to look closely at everything I’m doing. So I want a career in fitness that can sustain that. I acknowledge that right now I’m at the bottom of my industry working to gain more experience and that I will move up. Right now is a grind, but I will never stop looking for ways to move up. I will make it. I will make it in 2021 to a high position. I will be running something. I will consolidate. I will begin to HONE IN. To get more specific. I envision myself walking into VASA. I really do. VASA in Willow Creek. I envision the group classes being more popular than ever. I envision everyone in a myzone. I envision helping new instructors. I envision ALL OF IT. I know I would be great at this job. I know that THIS IS THE JOB. I know it. I know it. The energy I’ve already produced there. It’s been incredible and its where i want to grow my career. I know I’m the best person for the job. I’m no longer wish washy. I know I am. I feel ready to take it on. I feel ready at this point in my life. I’m just READY. I want to pull into that parking lot and look at that building and think this is my home. I care about this place. Despite any criticism anyone else has... this is my place. I am determined to make it a success. Chris wont know what hit him. and I think he’s super sweet. He is someone I would want to learn under. This next interview with Lori will be the best interview I’ve ever had because it is something I love and care about so deeply. They will. have no choice but to give me this job.

3. HEALTH/WELLNESS

I am on my way hunny!!!!! This is finally exciting for me to write about haha. I really want to shoutout Chase here. This nutrition plan is giving me LIFE. I can already see myself running those full marathons. LIFTING WEIGHTS. Teaching cycle and yoga and all of the things and absolutely thriving. Following an exact nutrition plan that I have nailed down to the point where I can seasonally switch things out?! ?!!?!? what?! Taking the supplements. Becoming more specific with my goals and absolutely crushing the fitness game. This week has been busy but I’ve been handling it so well because ive been sleeping and eating right! It’s like my classes aren’t overwhelming and I’ve even been working out on my own??? I’ve done some long runs. I’m proud of myself. I know I’m goin places and I’m slowly leaving Mara at the door more and more.

4. HOME

Always CO. I think the only thing I would consider like I’ve always talked about is moving closer to the mountains but nature is such a priority for me. The mountains truly hold a lot for me. They carry things I can’t carry. They hold them for me. I love their energy. I dont want to get too attached because like Ram Dass says if you’re doing your work New York City and a Himalayan cave feel the same. So I just want somewhere cozy to exist. Where I can keep my snacks and get my beauty rest. Somewhere to feel rooted. I feel like I’ve got my roots dug pretty deep here :)

[cyriusli]

So I needed a little break from my Nanowrimo project and was trolling tumblr (go figure) and came across a post that was from a lawlu blog. Now normally, I stay away from these as most of them seem to have a lot of sexual content, and hey, to each their own, but I am not a big sexual lawlu fan. Anyway, I saw that it said in the post that this was an asexual lawlu and I got wicked excited! I see lawlu as an asexual relationship and this made me really happy! It also got me to thinking about where we are currently in the manga and what Law would be doing without Luffy.

Well, that lead to my head-cannon of Zoro being Ace, as well, and I was like... well, what if Law and Zoro had a conversation about their partners with how things are in the manga. So yeah, that’s how I came to write this weird ass, unedited thing below. Lawlu and Zosan, both in Asexual relationships, but with platonic zolaw. So I guess I cover all the ships? Idk XD

Also, slight mention of forcing sex cause Zoro is Zoro : / Anyway, enjoy.

Zoro can sense Law long before he enters the small room. It may have been his sub, but one thing Zoro noticed was how the other pirate seemed to give the Strawhat crew members their space most of the time. Back pressed against the outer hull of the sub, Zoro doesn’t move, keeps his grip tight around his katana from his spot on the floor. He was trying to nap, but the constant clinking and ticking of the submarine make it hard for him to do so.

“Roronoa-ya,” he starts in way of greeting.

Zoro grunts back, “Trafalgar.”

They have an… understanding with one another. While Luffy would call them friends, the two swordsmen have come to a respectable agreement that acknowledges their skills and their hesitation at fully accepting this alliance. It works, it builds a certain level of comfort and allows them to fight side by side if need be. It also allows for the maintained space and solitude they both look for, so for Law to come searching Zoro out… he’s not quite sure how to handle it.

Law’s mouth twitches slightly, the barest hint of a smirk before he grabs the chair by the door and hauls it close to where Zoro is sitting, the front two legs just touching the shadow that Zoro has claimed as his own near the far bed in the room. Law doesn’t ask why Zoro would rather sit on the floor than on the bed, and Zoro doesn’t offer up a reason.

Things fall quiet for a moment as Law gets comfortable, crossing one long leg over the other and Zoro keeps his head tipped forward, watching every move Law makes with careful precision. Theirs eyes meet under the brim of Law’s hat and he blinks slowly as if collecting his words. Zoro can feel that something is bothering him, that Law came here to talk, but why to him over every other person, Zoro is at a loss for. Anyone would be better suited for this than him, Zoro knows this, Law must as well, since it isn’t exactly something the Strawhat crew has hidden in their short journey with the Heart Pirates, so what does Law want?

“Zoro-ya,” Law starts a minute later, letting the silence drag out between them. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s just awkward, and Zoro can almost see Law shifting from one foot to the other in his head; an image he never thought he would see from the steadfast captain.

Zoro licks his lip. “Spit it out, Law,” he counters since they seem to have dropped the formalities of using their last names.

“It’s about Mugiwara-ya,” Law starts his sentence and Zoro automatically tenses, grip tightening around Kitetsu. “Nothing is wrong,” Law quickly adds, seeing and most likely feeling the tension building in the room. There aren’t a lot of things that instantly get under Zoro’s skin, cause him to see red, but his nakama are all a part of that list.

“Than what?” Zoro growls the two words out, body still on edge and his heart pounding in his chest. Sometimes, the way Law words sentences makes Zoro think he is trying to get under his skin and Zoro hates it because it always works. As long as one of his crew is attached to whatever sentence it is that Law is spitting from his mouth, Zoro rises to the bait. It sort of reminds him of— Zoro cuts that thought off. Law mentioned Luffy.

“I have a personal question to ask you.” Law says it so matter of factly that Zoro grits his teeth. What the hell could Law possibly want to know about him and Luffy? It’s no secret Zoro would die for his captain, hell he’d tried to do it several times already. “Concerning your captain.”

Zoro lowers his head, his neutral expression morphing into one of his best glares. Few people are able to maintain his eye contact when he gets pissed and Zoro would be lying if he said he isn’t impressed that Law doesn’t even waver. It takes Zoro a second to realize that Law must have meant the new partnership, relationship, whatever the hell it was those two had entered into that was above and beyond their alliance and Zoro jerks back ever so slightly at where he thinks Law is going. “He is my captain, I would—”

Law cuts him off. “I know that. My question is this: How do you do it?”

“Do what,” Zoro raises an eyebrow. That was a vaguely loaded question if Zoro had ever heard one.

“Deal with being apart?”

Zoro barely resists the laugh. If Law hadn’t figured out by now that Luffy was almost too dumb to die, his fighting prowess unwilling to let him submit or surrender unless he was truly dead, then maybe he didn’t deserve to be dating his captain after all. Zoro trusts Luffy and he trusts that Luffy will come back. “I have been apart from Luffy before.”

“I don’t mean Luffy-ya.”

“Than what in the hell are you talking about?” Zoro tips his head to the side slightly, narrowing his eye at the other man.

“Sanji-ya.”

Oh.

Oh.

Zoro maintains his eye contact with Law, takes a long deep breath and relaxes his grip on Kitetsu. “I have been apart from the cook as well.” Zoro says it simply, keeping his voice flat.

Law scoffs. “Don’t play stupid with me, Zoro-ya. Even an idiot can see what’s going on between you two and I was only on the Sunny one night. So I will ask again: How do you do it?”

Zoro finally looks away, looks off to the shadows lurking under the bed that is bolted to the metal floor. He’s been trying not to think of Sanji, that blond asshole and this entire mess he’d put both crews into. But then, he thinks of Sanji— the cook’s smile, his snarky attitude and the way his body feels pressed against Zoro’s own— and he smiles, the faintest upturn at the corners of his mouth and he inhales deeply. “One second at a time.” It’s all he says and Law hums in understanding, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees.

“How long, if I can ask?”

“A lot longer than you and Luffy,” Zoro shoots back, a slight smirk creeping onto his face. He and the cook have been a thing unofficially for a long ass time, but only really finalizing things upon returning. Two years of wondering what the hell was going on had messed with them both. They weren’t touchy feely, and most of the time an intimate night meant Zoro being able to drink in peace with Sanji smoking at his side, leaning shoulder to shoulder and enjoying the calm silence.

Law frowns at Zoro’s snarky response and sighs. “I could go ask Robin-ya, but I thought I would try to get the information directly from you instead.”

“Is that where you started,” Zoro asks, knowing damned well that if he had, Robin would have directed Law to him. Law states this and Zoro can’t help but mentally high-five himself. Zoro is quiet a minute as he thinks over an answer he wants to give Law. “Long enough that I know I don’t want another,” he settles with in the end.

“It must be easier being on the same crew...” Law trails off, looks away himself, and Zoro feels like they have somehow reached an impasse. They are both baring parts of themselves that they normally wouldn’t, yet, Zoro feels that it’s all right. He’s really only ever done this with Sanji, occasionally Luffy on certain things, so doing so with Law, given how their relationship has developed, seems all right, too.

“What must be easier? He’s just as annoying when he’s with me as when he’s not.”

Law looks up at that, shock clear in his expression. “To talk,” Law babbles out. “That’s what I meant.”

Zoro shrugs. “Cook and I don’t do a lot of talking usually.” The words are out of Zoro’s mouth before he realizes the double meaning behind them and he looks up to Law, seeing the slight blush over his cheeks. He has to admit, that was something he thought he would never see. “That’s not what I meant,” Zoro continues. “We, um, we just sit, rest in one another’s presence. We don’t actually, ya know, have sex. I’m Asexual; don’t really like the entire process.”

It feels weird to say it outloud to someone other than Sanji, but it feels good, too. It had been hard enough to have that conversation with Sanji the first time, after several attempts and failures at going through with it. Zoro never backed down, but it had been Sanji who had put a stop to them trying, sick of seeing Zoro force himself to make sure Sanji was happy, even at the cost of his own sanity and comfort.

Law sort of perks up at that, sitting back and actually smiling. Not a smirk but a genuine smile. Zoro is sure he’s now seen everything. “So is Luffy… and myself; with the intercourse part at least.” Law adds, almost as an afterthought.

Zoro nods slowly. So maybe that was why he felt comfortable telling Law. He was vaguely aware Luffy was also Ace, but they also rarely talked about their more intimate lives unless it was directly connected to something that would affect the crew. Zoro had never even considered Law to be Asexual.

A lot of things fall into place for Zoro concerning the relationship Law has with his captain and it somehow makes this entire alliance feel more grounded, more solid to him. Law, like himself, isn’t thinking irrationally or illogically, letting things of a sexual nature cloud his judgement when making his decisions. He knows, in the back of his head, most people aren’t like that, but Zoro is so used to dealing with Sanji that it’s an automatic reaction.

“Still… one second at a time,” Zoro says again, standing and returning his katana to their places at his side. Stepping up to Law, Zoro carefully, hesitantly places his hand on Law’s shoulder before walking by. “He’ll be back.”

“And he will have Sanji-ya.”

Zoro pauses at the door, one hand gripping tightly to the metal frame. He looks over his shoulder to Law, barely able to see him from where Law is still sitting in the corner of the room. “He won’t return until he does.”

[dapperfvck-arc]

🔥 The TV show... (Because I really want to know exactly why you don't like it [or hate it?] because i'm so freaking curious. Also I think in general a Constantine TV show would do best on AMC rather than NBC... FEEL FREE TO COMPLETELY RANT. I WANT TO KNOW. Please.)

Unpopular Opinion Time!

Oh boy. Hooooo boy. I’m still going to be relatively gentle, because honestly, I’m saving my true vitriol for the times that I must defend my choice not to RP it or for the hysterical consensus opinion from the fandom that TV show was an improvement over the film (lol nope, aside from Matt Ryan “looking the part” but that’s a whole other can of worms). 

Note: Cut for length and maybe a bit of brutality in my honesty.

*sighs* Ok, I’ll first preface this with that I still have like four episodes to go. Obviously, I have massive issues in the needless changes made to the adaption of comic canon. It was unnecessary to make Chas American while retaining the fact that he’s John’s oldest and best of friends. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but who knows. Maybe it’s explained a little better in one of the last few episodes, but you know. My hopes aren’t high. I don’t like Chas’s virtual invulnerability, not just because it takes away the stakes of the danger he’s putting himself in, but also? It’s a plot device scarcely used? So why make that choice if it’s not going to be capitalized on with meaningful frequency? I hated that Zed was portrayed as a novice, and that the teeth were taken out from the Newcastle Incident. Now obviously, I understand why they’d have to alter a bit of it due to Network censorship, but at the same??? I mean child abuse and sexual violence are nothing new on shows like Law and Order: SVU and Criminal minds so…Idek, it kind of comes off as an excuse. It’s not a child’s show. Maybe it could be argued that it was marketed toward teenagers, but it’s not like they’re ignorant to those horrors in the world. I’m not asking them to show Astra’s rape, just to acknowledge the true horror of the situation instead of making it all about John’s failure. So yeah, I was annoyed by the occasional attempt to adapt source material and completely mucking it all up.

Now to begin with, I completely get the SP/N’s fandom bitterness more than ever. Before watching it I thought they were just trying to be like “whaaaat, another show about magic and exorcism? Of course it’s a ripoff because don’t you know our fandom invented those things?” I honestly believe the crux of the issue is that NBC clearly wanted their own SP/N as well as to cash in the popularity of comic book based media, so there’s that. To me, it comes off as a shameless cash grab. I honestly believe if I felt like there was some kind of passion from its creators, I could have dealt with some of those changes, but I don’t get that. It’s been a soulless experience overall. Like it’s not been a matter of me nitpicking like “oh this is wrong, this has been changed, boo hoo, it’s not all existential horror and fucking and drugs.”

Because frankly...I just think it’s a bad show. It’s poorly written, poorly made, poorly researched, poorly acted, it’s just bad. The main issue I have with it is that it’s a lot of telling and not showing. There’s not a lot of tension or foreshadowing, just “boom this is how it is” and so much exposition. John, for example, about half of his dialogue in any given show is verbal exposition. It’s frustrating, tbh. Like, it doesn’t make sense for me in this day and age for a TV show, even on a network channel, to be this bad. Over the past several years, television series have improved exponentially in content and writing. It’s not shameful anymore to start off on TV anymore. We’re in a very exciting time that television and cinema are almost completely on equal par of perceived quality. So yeah, it’s been an even greater disappointment for me because it’s not just that they fuck with the source material but because on top of that it’s literally a bad show. I’m not one bit surprised that it wasn’t renewed because there just...Isn’t enough to like about it. It’s not faithful enough to the comic to secure that base of fans and it’s not good enough to be taken for face value. 

The other massive issue I have is the portrayal of magic, which honestly extends to DC’s handling of Hellblazer and John as well. See, what you have to understand is that predominately, throughout the Vertigo series, it’s clear to me that most of its writers either have some awareness of how magic works or at least have done their research. I can follow the logic and ritual in what he’s doing. ​Let me tell you a little something about magic. It's all about focus and will. You can do and say whatever the hell you want as long as you're putting your intent behind it. The ritual of spell work, use of candles, crystals, incense, chanting, incantations, etc. are meant to be the focus of a magician's energy and will on a particular result, but it could be attempted without as well. To explain it in more fantastical terms, in Harry Potter casting without a wand is considered impressive. This implies that the wizard's focus and will is so strong that they no longer need a wand to draw out their intent. Now I get it. By this understanding magic doesn't make good TV viewing (I guess...), but my main concern with this series is there's no attempt to portray an iota of witchcraft's reality along with the fantastical. Now part of this problem is that they've removed a great deal of John's innate ability. He can no longer see spirits/ghosts and there is no mention to his connection to synchronicity (as far I’ve seen, mind). Instead of happening to end up where he needs to be or what have you, he's following a map, and he uses a lot of artifacts and other implementation to get the job done. Which bothers me on a few levels. For one, it imbues the focus, not the caster with the power, which is not how magic works (at least in the sense of portraying gritty urban fantasy), and for two, it's very much against character. Let me give you an example: In the two part story Newcastle Calling, at the end of it, John hands a dying man a twig, telling him it's the finger bone of St. Cavartigan and that it's known to bring relief to those in need. He tells him to squeeze it tightly and focus on the pain going away. Near the end of the scene, the young man tells John that it's working. A couple things can be taken away from this scene: John's will was that the dying man would believe as he was told and his instructions were rote ritual. By contrast, in the series, John would probably had actually given him a Saint's fingerbone. You see the comparison takes the power of the scene away, as well as the mystery. Is the power of John's suggestion so strong that he could make the guy believe by holding that twig his pain would do away? Or was he so desperate to believe in order to not die in pain? You can interpret it either way. Hell, I could invent other interpretations, but going by what I believe would happen in the show, it can only be interpreted in the most literal sense. Now, to be honest, most television shows portray magic poorly. Even movies do a better job while keeping fantastical elements. The Craft, for all it’s 90s cheese, is a great example of this. So I suppose I could be blamed for getting my hopes up to be dashed because it’s just following the formula of 95% of all TV shows that feature a magical element or theme, but I mean...it’s not like Buffy or Charmed that was working without a script, so to speak. The TV series had a ready made blueprint and still chose to take the mumbo-jumbo bullshit route. Now, I have a lot of theories on the why for this, but that’s another post altogether and this has already gone on for way too long and I still have more to say.

Now, I guess I should, at least briefly, touch on the elephant in the room: Matt Ryan as John. What did I think? Because a lot of people have told me that he’s the shining beacon of this show, even literally admitting that yeah, it’s a poor representation of Hellblazer but that Matt Ryan man, he’s great! The problem that I have is that it’s not a good a show, and so no, I don’t like him in the role. I’m not going to compare him to Keanu because that’s not fair for a number of reasons, and maybe I’m a little biased because I adore Keanu (there’s also that can of worms I mentioned earlier, which is honestly yet another separate post lol). The way John’s written for this show, he’s positively insufferable. He’s not charming at all, which is find the most offensive, because one thing that can be said across all series and iterations of the character is that John is magnetic even despite xyz (he’s dangerous, he can be an asshole, he’s unreliable, etc.). Here he’s just a know-it-all, condescending prick. Now I do think with better writing, in a better representation of John’s character and Hellblazer in general (and maybe with a voice coach or director to discourage that Welshy intonation because yeah, his accent does irritate the shit out of me, but I’ve been very vocal about that before and honestly, at this point, I’ve come to realize that Ryan’s vowels are the least of this show’s problem), I think he has potential to be a fine John. As it stands in the media he’s portrayed John in so far (idk, maybe he was good on Arrow, but I’m talking the TV Series here and the JLD animation, which I’ve admittedly not seen, but I hated the comic so I’m not real likely to give that a chance considering my disposition toward the source material), I’m not entirely sold on him. Like if they tried another TV series for Hellblazer and didn’t cast him in the role, I wouldn’t be upset over it. 

I do agree that it probably could have been better on another channel, but here’s the rub, all the blood and gore and sex and loose censorship in the world could not save that show without better writing and direction. It could have been a fine show even on network if it had been crafted with some degree of caring. Let me give you an example off the top of head, namely the handling of the Newcastle incident. It was laid out pretty plainly within a few episodes. Alterations from canon aside, it doesn’t portray the horror of it at all and is one of the show’s many missed opportunities to really play up the scarier, more mysterious elements of John’s backstory. For example, instead of laying it out in a sloppy flashback with a laughable puppet, picture this scene instead: ​John is having a chat with someone, maybe Zed or Chas or some b-plot character. Something reminds him of the Newcastle incident and he gets a far off look in his eyes. The folly drops away to an eerie silence as the camera comes in tight on John's expression. Filling up the silence is a little girl's scream, then the voices of his friends, perhaps some sounds of violence, an inhuman sound or voice, it all blends together to become a hellish cacophony of sound as John's expression becomes more strained. Then suddenly the other person calling his name snaps him out of his reverie. The screams stop, the folly returns, and the scene appears jarringly normal. John shakes his head, makes a joke, and they move on. Yeah, that kind of scene has been done before, but the reason for that is it’s effective without giving away the whole story. It shows that this is a man haunted by something horrible. It’s also cheap and doesn’t necessitate straining the no doubt thin budget of a TV show that has yet to prove itself worthy of having more money thrown at it. 

Honestly, the issues I have with this show are innumerable and I’m just scratching the surface here and laying out my biggest problems. I could nitpick for days, and that’s the reason I’ve stayed mum about my opinions. There are people that follow me and that I write with that really like and care about the show, and I don’t want to make them feel...you know, bad about it or that they can’t talk to me or whatever. You know, if they found it enjoyable more power to them. I just didn’t and that’s maybe on me. By no means am I trying to bash the show here (because lord if I wanted to, I could), but to offer up what was requested, and that’s my undiluted opinions and feelings about the series. Of course I’m sorry that I couldn’t share the joy and that I couldn’t even like it on a similar level that I do the film (as a very solid AU, which people have tried to sell the show as to me, knowing my previous understanding of some of the changes made that deviate strongly from canon. As I said, maybe if it had been better made and written, I could, but as it stands currently, I can’t and unless real changes are made in the future, I’m unlikely to alter my opinion of it).

So yeah that’s it. Apologies that this got so very long, but as you can tell, there’s been a lot that I’ve been holding back.

[frxggi]

[PENTAGON] An Unexpected Turn of Events

Part One, maybe? it depends on whether or not u want me to continue this  Okay listen....... i don’t really know how this happened It started as one thing and ended up as something completely different which just goes to show u that if u want to write something u shouldn’t do it unless you’ve done some prewritingTM  I just..... Had this idea in my head for days and I had to get it out of my system  That being said, this story goes to shit after like the 3rd paragraph, so be warned  Genre: Idk lol  Word count: 2,642  Constructive criticism is always appreciated,  Thank u and goodnight 

The air is crisp and cool and slices into your skin like a knife, causing you to pull the thick fabric of your scarf over your reddening nose. The blackness of the sky contrasts starkly against the twinkling stars that hang high above your head, dulled only a fraction by the hustle and bustle of the city sprawling out in front of you for endless miles. The streets are packed with people; those who wish to retreat to the safety of their homes after a long day of work and those who are slipping into a newfound excitement, ready to take full advantage of the unique experience the nightlife has to offer. Your shoes scrape against the pavement in a steady pace, your mind wandering to your favorite cafe and the warmth it offers. You nuzzle further into your scarf.

It’s a journey you’ve trekked many times, and you breathe a heavy sigh of indignation when you discover that your most surefire route to the small building nestled snugly in between a local bank and barber shop has been blocked off, seemingly closed down for construction. The wind begins to pick up as you quickly mull over your other options. The only other route that will get you to the cafe in a timely manner is through a part of the city with which you’re not terribly familiar. Dozens of alleyways, cloaked in shadows and hidden from the noise of the city, act as a labyrinth that twists your gut into uncertainty and nerves.  

Against your better judgement, you decide to brave the path you’ve only taken a small number of times before. The buildings are cast in a new light under the veil of the night, and you decide it’s best not to spend lots of time in the area, so you quicken your pace. You lose track of time, and minutes begin to feel like hours but thankfully the sounds of the city begin to ring in your ears, and bright neon lights come into view. You soon recognize your surroundings. The smell of alcohol hits your nose like a tonne of bricks as you pass through they alleyway leading to the bar a friend of yours always raves about. The building is tucked away from the main road that cuts through downtown, sat in front of an apartment complex for Section 8 housing. Although an unsettling atmosphere settles over your shoulders, you take this as a good sign; the cafe is only a few blocks away. You’re walking past the back doors of the building when a group of 5 men catch your attention. They’re all clearly drunk, one man relying on his friend for support while the other three walk in jagged lines, away from the building.

One of the men, much taller than you, takes notice of your presence and throws a whistle at you as you draw nearer. You brush aside the garbled words he offers-in what you assume to be a compliment-with a nervous smile. The group stumbles in front of you, blocking the only clear path out of the alleyway. The man, clearly the most sober of the party, steps forward.

“Hey, sweetheart, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around here before.” His words are slurred together as he lessens the distance between you two. The man introduces himself as Younghyun, and you only hum in acknowledgement as you move to step aside. You tell him that you’re only passing through. “That’s a shame. Think of all the fun a pretty face like yours can have.” Younghyun purs, one of his calloused hands clapping onto your shoulder and preventing you from getting away. “I have fun on my own, thanks.” You spit back, the stench of alcohol on the man’s breath causing your head to spin.

“Bummer. Bet you my boys and I can show you a real good time, if you’re up for it?” At this, his friends whoop and holler and throw a cat-call or two in your general direction. “No thanks.” You say. “Come on, babe, no need to hold back on us!” Younghyun laughs, daring to snake an arm around your shoulders. The other 4 of his friends begin to gather around you two. None of you notice the man that has emerged from the bar now leans against the brick wall of the building, watching the situation with a hawk like stare.

“Look, you guys do seem really nice, but I have somewhere to be.”

Younghyun scoffs.

“Yeah? You here to meet someone?” The man breathes against your ear, his hold on you tightening when you try to push yourself away from him. Your stomach drops. “You know I don’t believe that for a second, babe.”

Your lips part to respond, but another voice, foreign, cuts through the air.

“She’s here for me.”

Younghyun turns, as do his friends. A man, much younger than Younghyun and Co. steps into what little light the exterior bulbs on the bar offer. Younghyun laughs incredulously, turning to face the newest addition to the party. He’s staring daggers into Younghyun’s eyes, causing his hold on you to loosen. You take the opportunity to put a few paces between you two.

“Yeo One? You mean to tell me you’re this chick’s hot date?” The man-Yeo One-shrugs, his gaze flicking to meet yours and it softens for a split second. Perhaps it’s the stench of the alcohol, or maybe it’s because you haven’t eaten all day and are running on fumes, but a switch flicks in your head and you think that he’s safe, so you dart to his side. Yeo One slides an arm around your waist as if to prove his point to the others, and he radiates warmth and you can feel the heat of his palm through the fabric of your shirt.

He’s clad in a leather jacket(that looks like it’s seen better days), a simple t-shirt sporting a phrase you can’t quite make out what with the lettering.You guess it’s the logo of an 80’s metal band. His jeans hug his legs snugly and bunch up above his ankles, where they disappear into his boots. His dark hair is parted to the side, pushed back and styled up with gel. His brows are furrowed with frustration as he speaks to Younghyun and his friends.

“What are you doing here?” Yeo One’s voice is smooth, but drips with venom. “Actually, my good friend, we were here to pay you a visit! But, we ran into this pretty lady here,” One of Younghyun’s friends gestures to you as he speaks. “And well I’m sure you now the rest.”

“Funny. I remember telling you to stay away from this place.” Yeo One says.

“Last I checked, Yeo One,” Younghyun spits, daring a step closer. “You don’t make the rules.” At this, Yeo One drops his arm from your waist, gently ushering you out of the way. You back away a few meters, though you still linger behind Yeo One, your only pillar of safety.

“Come on, Younghyun, you don’t want to start an argument in front of a lady, do you?” He tsks. “You should really save this for another time. Especially since you and your buddies are all piss drunk. The situation isn’t looking in your favor.”

Younghyun spits at the ground, “Yeah? Afraid I’ll kick your ass?” Yeo One barks a laugh. “As if.” “Wanna put it to the test?”

Younghyun narrows his eyes, instructing his posse to disperse. They do so without question, scrambling in the opposite direction. “Sorry, sweetheart. I guess I’m not much of a gentleman.” The words barely leave Younghyun’s lips before he’s lunging at Yeo One. The attack is easily avoided, and Yeo One counters it by delivering a kick to the gut that sends the other man tumbling to the ground. Your heart races, this being the first time you’ve seen a physical altercation escalate to this level. You’re frozen in place, hands brought up to cover your mouth as you gasp. Younghyun isn’t given the chance to regain his composure, Yeo One offering three more kicks to the man’s ribs. Younghyun cries out in pain, body curling in on itself. A hand grabs yours, and you’re letting Yeo One lead you closer to the bar.

When he speaks, it’s with a slight air of urgency. “You trust me, yeah?”

“I’m not so sure. You just beat the shit out of that guy!” You exclaim, though you don’t make any effort to free yourself from Yeo One’s grip. Your only response is a bitter laugh. You get to the back door of the building, and Yeo One turns you to face him. His gaze has hardened. “Listen to me. I can get you home safe, but you have to trust me, okay?” He doesn’t give you the chance to respond. “Go inside. Find a man about ye high,” he gestures with his hand, “He should be behind the bar. Tell him I sent you.”

You hear Younghyun throw a, “You son of a bitch!” to Yeo One, but the insult falls on deaf ears.

“He’ll get you home.” Yeo One says. You want an explanation, but it’s clear you aren’t going to get one when Yeo One guides you firmly towards the heavy door of the bar. He offers you a warm smile that makes your heart flutter before he turns his attention back to Younghyun.

You can’t fathom why, but you decide to take a leap of faith, to trust the words of a stranger and wander into the bar. It’s not nearly as packed as you had expected; only a few tables are filled and a few lone drinkers are staggered at the bar. Your eyes land on a tall young man, jet black hair and full lips that are set tightly in concentration as he scrubs at the surface of the bar with a damp cloth. He’s the only one behind the counter, and he’s as tall as Yeo One had described. You figure that he’s the one you’re supposed to talk to, so you timidly make your way over to him. He acknowledges you with an inquisitive quirk of his brow. You find your voice stuck in your throat, and you take the chance to wet your lips before your soft voice rings out.

“Um, I’m not quite sure what I’m doing.” The man’s face lacks any interest as he folds the cloth lazily and tosses it over his shoulder. “Yeo One told me to talk to you.” You add in quickly, feeling so utterly small under the bartender’s scrutinizing gaze. His ears perk up, and he hums in understanding.

As if on cue, the door in which you entered slams open, Yeo One hanging from the frame. He’s panting, his jacket missing and his hair looking almost windblown, his dark locks askew in every which way. His voice sounds loudly over the dull sound of music and murmuring patrons,

“Hey, Wooseok! Get her home, yeah?” And then he’s gone, the door being slammed shut behind him. The others in the bar hardly seem to mind. Wooseok clicks his tongue in annoyance, breathing a heavy sigh.

“Wait here.” He says, then disappears behind the wall lined with bottles of beer, into the kitchen. He returns but a moment later, a set of keys in hand. He silently beckons you to follow. You trail behind him, out the bar and to the far end of the parking lot. He leads you to a rust colored pick-up, clearly over two decades old, but seemingly in perfect shape. Wooseok opens the passenger side door.

“Get in.” He instructs. This is where you hesitate, standing your ground and eyeing the boy in front of you. When he speaks this time, it’s soft and warm and comforting and a stark contrast to his attitude only moments earlier.

“You trust him, right? You can trust me.” To most, the words wouldn’t mean much. To you, they shouldn’t, but the kindness in his voice eases your nerves, and, to continue your streak of Things You Wouldn’t Normally Do, you get into the truck. Wooseok hops into the driver’s seat, and the engine sputters to life.

The two of you are out of the parking lot and onto the main road in a few short moments. “Where to?” He asks, and you give him the name of your apartment complex. The air between you and Wooseok is thick enough to cut with a knife, an awkward silence hanging between you. It’s maybe a solid three minutes before Wooseok speaks. “Look, I don’t know what happened to you, or how you got to meet Changgu, but I’m sure you’re a little shaken up.” He offers you the opportunity to respond, and takes your silence as cue to continue. “He’s a little...Much, when you first meet him, I know. You’re not beaten to all hell, though, which might just be because you’re a girl. Even so, he’s asking me to look after you, to make sure you get home safe, so he’s got something brewing in his head. I don’t know what, but whatever it is, you seem to have peaked his interest.”

“He doesn’t even know my name, what do you mean I’ve ‘peaked his interest’?” You question. Wooseok only offers a chuckle in response. “He may not know your name now, but he will.” You throw the driver a confused look, and he clears his throat and sits a bit straighter in his seat. “Look, all I’m saying is that you don’t have to worry about anything. Those guys… Changgu will take care of them.”

“You know who they are?” Wooseok nods. “Yeah. They used to come to the bar a lot. It was their turf, I guess. But then Changgu sort of just swept in and took the place for his own. Aside from that, they’ve had issues with Changgu for ages. They aren’t the type of guys you want to get involved with. That’s probably why he has me taking you home.”

You only nod in response, and Wooseok doesn’t bother to speak any more. Time passes quickly enough, and before long Wooseok is pulling into your apartment complex. The truck comes to a stop in front of your building, and it’s as you’re getting out of the vehicle when Wooseok talks again. “A word of advice,” he begins, leaning over the passenger seat to meet your gaze through the door. “I’d stay away from the bar. It’s not the place for a girl like you, and I’m almost positive Changgu wouldn’t want you around that area, either.”

You agree, telling him you wouldn’t be caught dead at that dump. He scoffs, muttering about how he keeps the joint in tip top shape.

“I know what happened is probably freaking you out, but give it a while; Changgu will find you soon enough and answer your questions.” Wooseok says, offering you a reassuring grin. You take note of his words, and thank him for the ride. He waits until you’ve gotten into your apartment before he takes off.

Once you’re inside, you slouch against the door, rubbing your face as you take a deep breath. What the hell was Wooseok talking about? Who were those guys you had met earlier and why did they have such resentment towards Yeo One? You check the time, discovering it to be half past eleven o’clock. The events of tonight finally settle into your bones, the weight of Wooseok’s words and Yeo One’s actions causing your shoulders to slump forward. You’re exhausted, and it’s the weekend, so you don’t hesitate to kick off your shoes and trudge to your bedroom, where you flop down on your bed and fall asleep without so much of a second thought.

[5hfanfiction]

our broken white rose (4/?) ⇾ camren

a/n: hey guys, i’m really sorry for not updating as quickly. idk if y'all wanna know about my life story but since some of you guys messaged me today and two days ago, heres whats been going on. i briefly explained to those of you who asked but in case you’re interested in knowing more, keep reading this lil authors note or just skip ahead to the story if you genuinely don’t give a fuck. lmao.

for a few months now, my fiancée and i have been trying to get pregnant. by her and i, i mean her, lol. she’s a bit older than me (over 21) but i’m 20. anyways, we’ve been pushing really hard for a baby because something we’ve been talking about since the early stages of our relationship is starting a family and having kids. but you know, clearly as two females, we can’t reproduce together. so recently we’ve been doing lots of research and looking for a sperm donor from a sperm bank.

she’ll be the one carrying because i am not of age and quite frankly me and pain do not mix therefore child birth and i do not like each other, lmao. but since she’ll be the one carrying, shes been really adamant on finding a donor who looks like me. i don’t really care to be honest, just the thought of someone i love bringing in beautiful new life to be apart of our own warms my heart but you know, she really cares about that. now my fiancée is biracial and i am brazilian.

honestly speaking from what we’ve seen, the closest donor we’ve seen that looks like me is a white man. and theres nothing wrong with that. i mean, its really hard to come across a brazilian man who’s willing to give his sperm away to help make babies who’d have my features. pale ass skin, blue ass eyes and dark ass hair. and honestly we’ve been fighting a lot because of that one thing. all i care about is finally getting to start my family with the woman of my fucking dreams and thats basically being put on hiatus because she wants someone who looks like me and exactly me. and i can get why she really wants that and all, but eh… whatever.

i just thought i’d share my reason for not writing. shes having several exams and back to back doctors appointments, all which i attend, then on top of that looking for donors that she approves of, getting school work done because i’m still a student but she’s not. baby girl is on her way to being a teacher but thats basically all. i’ve literally only had time to read on my phone because i’d be too exhausted to pick up my laptop and start writing.

i really hope things speed up soon because this process is already proving to be extremely tiring but as long as i get to create a family with her and live out our forever lives, i’m all in it. pun intended.

***

***

“We are live here on Express News Daily with former fifth harmony member, singer, dancer and model, Normani Kordei,” Dianna McGee introduced as the audience roared in a fit of cheers. Dianna faced the dark haired girl with a wide grin. “We’ve been trying for ages to get you here on this show. It’s truly an honor.”

Smiling bashfully, Normani shook her head. “No, it’s my pleasure. When my team told me I’d be coming on here today just a few weeks ago, I nearly lost my shit. Excuse my language,” she laughed.

Dianna threw her head back and let out an obnoxiously loud but contagious laugh. “So tell us where you’ve been lately Normani. I’m sure fans are curious to know what’s to come soon.”

Getting giddy, an adorable smile took over Normani’s face as she edged further off her seat. “Well, I’m working on a new album with my literal idol, Beyoncé,” she shared. The audience erupted in cheers and claps as everyone congratulated her. “I have to pinch myself every morning to make sure it’s not some big crazy dream I’ll just wake up from. I’ve looked up to her since way before I came into the industry and to know that I’ll be working on a whole album with her is just… insane. I’m at a loss for words.”

Her cheeks were slightly hurting from how hard she was smiling, but she couldn’t help it. She was so excited to finally share the news with the public. As the interview went on, Dianna somehow brought the topic of gay rights into the mix questioning Normani’s thoughts on it and bringing up former bandmate, Lauren Jauregui.

“So Normani, it’s been pretty evident that you’re extremely active in the LGBT community,” she started, Normani nodding along as the audience clapped. “A while back while you were in the hit girl group - Fifth Harmony - you had one of your band members come out as bisexual then a few years later announce that she’d finally found herself and was simply hiding behind that label to feel less odd toward society, eventually coming on out and saying she was a lesbian.”

Normani nodded, swallowing harshly at the mention of Lauren. Someone she hasn’t spoken to in quite awhile but still found it in her to smile nonetheless. “Yes, Lauren. I think she was really the one to like, you know wake us all up about gay rights and LGBT rights as a whole while in Fifth Harmony. I always grew up knowing that it was nobody’s place but God’s to judge and I always stuck by that. If you love a woman and you’re a woman, that’s amazing. God made you who you are for a reason, you know? If you were a man who loves another man, that’s amazing too. If you were born male but really are female, phenomenal,” Dianna gave Normani her full attention along with the audience as everyone stopped and listened.

“I think it’s not so much as being who you are but embracing it. There are so many people who have a hard time embracing who they are, Lauren having being one of them. We found out as a group of her interest in females the same time the public did and while it wasn’t all that much of a shock,” the audience laughed. “I guess it kind of was actually. There’s always that first initial shock to something you feel that you’ve always known but never knew that’d you’d be spot on. You know what I mean?” Pausing, Normani sighed. “We still knew that she needed our full on support and that’s exactly what most of us gave her right off the bat.

“As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to stand more and more firmly by my belief of gay people are born into and belong to every society in the world. They’re literally all ages, races, faiths, etc. They’re doctors, teachers, farmers and bankers, soldiers and athletes. They’re everywhere. And whether we know it, or whether we acknowledge it, they are our family, friends and neighbors. As much as people choose not to believe it, being gay isn’t some sort of western invention. It’s a human reality.

"I like to believe that our journey isn’t complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law - because if we are truly equal, then we as a nation, as a society, as people, should understand that the love we commit to one another must be equal.

"And I’m sorry for the mouthful here but you guys, it literally takes no compromise to give people their rights… it takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no political deal to give people freedom. It takes no survey to remove repression. I think the best day in society will be when we no longer talk about being gay or straight. It’s not a gay wedding, it’s just a fucking wedding. It’s not a gay marriage, it’s a fucking marriage. Period.

"What people choose to do in their own homes is their business. And they can choose to love whoever they love. That’s their business, don’t make it your own. They aren’t personally affecting your everyday life, so why must you affect their own? What? Someone being different is too much of a threat to you? It’s really like… wow,” she let out a humorless chuckle.

“I mean, if anybody can find someone to love them and to help them through this difficult thing we call life, then I support that in any shape or form and so should you. There are people who’ve said that I’m being brave for being openly supportive of gay marriage, gay adoption, gay rights and LGBT rights as a whole… but with all due respect, I humbly dissent. I’m not being brave. I’m being a decent fucking human being. Love is a human experience, not a political statement and it’s sad so many individuals still don’t get that. At the end of the day, gay rights are human rights. There is no separation.”

Normani took a deep breath as everyone stayed silent for a moment before everyone in the audience stood to their feet, clapping and cheering, Dianna joining. She smiled. Before Dianna could speak she said one last thing, “And I’m glad to be someone apart of something as beautiful as the LGBT community. As my old closest friend once said, she was a bisexual Cuban-American and she was so damn proud of it. Well world, I’m a lesbian African-American and I am so fucking proud of it.”

***

“I did it,” she breathed as she wrapped her arms around the tall blonde. “I can’t believe I actually fucking did it.”

Dinah smiled down at her girlfriend, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. “I’m really proud of you baby girl…” she trailed off.

Normani backed away with a frown. “What’s wrong?”

Dinah sighed, running a hand through her messy blonde waves. “I think Mila is in trouble… and I need your help finding Ally and Lauren.”

***

“Jauregui, you got some visitors!” Janelle yelled from outside the studio door. I frowned as I stood from my seat.

Walking out towards the main opening doors, I looked around but saw no one. Turning towards Janelle, I held my arms out in confusion. “Where?”

Pointing behind me, she raised both eyebrows. When I turned around, my heart sunk to my feet. What the hell? As I faced the three ladies before me that I haven’t seen in almost four years, a deep frown set itself on my lips.

“Hey Lauren…”

I stood in silence. Shaking my head and blinking a few times, I looked back up expecting to see a different set of people, thinking my eyes were simply fucking with me. When I came face to face with the same three faces, I felt the panic set in.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked in shock as my heartbeat sped up.

My former closest friend from the three stepped up, her dark eyes giving me a look of uncertainty as she glanced behind me towards Janelle and everyone else who happened to be around. “We have to talk to you privately,” she spoke lowly, reaching for my hand which I instantly moved away.

I shook my head as a disbelieving laugh fell from my lips, “What happened to "Lauren I think it’s best if we all stay away from you and the girls” huh?“ I found my voice raising and could feel the eyes of my co-workers on us.

"Lauren, please can we just talk to you where there isn’t so many people,” the shortest of the three pleaded. My eyes instantly softened when they met her own. She was probably the only one I could never go off on. She looked around before motioning for me to bend down. Furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, I bent down slightly. “It’s about Camila…” she whispered.

***

I shook my head, refusing to believe what I was reading. Fuck no. “Someone is fucking with us and I know exactly who it is,” I mumbled out as tears clouded my vision. How could Tori do such a thing?

Dinah looked at me with wide eyes. “Lauren nobody is messing with us. It’s Mila. She’s alive.”

I glared at her. “No the fuck she isn’t! I just worked with a client from Yakutat, Alaska. She was so fucking adamant about learning everything there is to my personal life. I told her all about the group, the girls and Camila’s death. She’s probably just a crazy old fan trying to fuck with my emotions.”

The room fell quiet before Ally spoke quietly. “Okay if that were true though, why would she contact Dinah? How would she even find Dinah’s number? Wouldn’t she just contact you?”

“Don’t you guys get it? Everyone has been fucking with us since she died. Remember when harmonizers use to send us random fucking letters to our P.O. BOX claiming to be Camila and saying she was in danger. They found her remains you guys… she’s dead. Okay? It’s impossible for a dead person to magically be alive.” I hated this. I hated feeling this way. Why would someone go out of their way to make me relieve my worst nightmare?

Normani spoke, “Lauren I get your hesitation but she gave us an address and everything. How would the fans know about Lola? They only know that she abused Camila and thinks that she got locked up years ago. Remember, her team covered up her death by saying she was in a plane crash.”

“Plus she called me Cheech,” Dinah added.

I shook my head. I wasn’t buying any of this. Why are they so quick to believe everything? Clearly nothing’s changed. “You guys should just go back to wherever you came from. Everyone knew you and Camila called each other Chancho and CheeChee. That’s a known Fifth Harmony fact and anyone who knew of our group would know that. And look at the big ass coincidence that she happens to be in Yakutat, Alaska. Same place that girl I just worked with is from. The city barely has 700 people so you can’t say it’s common. Within those 700 random individuals, are you seriously trying to convince me that Camila is somehow apart of that? Bullshit. I’m telling you, she’s just fucking with us. If Camila was alive, I would know,” I paused shaking my head as I thought back to Tori’s best friend, ‘Karla.’ “God, I’m so fucking stupid. She even made up a fake best friend named Karla.”

Everyone paused as they glanced at me. “The person you met said they had a best friend named Karla?” Ally asked. I nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow at her. Ally, Normani and Dinah all shared a look before Ally walked over to me, her tiny arms wrapping around me. “I know you don’t want to get your hopes up by thinking that Camila just may be out there, in danger, needing our help,” she paused as she sighed. “But, I don’t think whoever that person was played you. Maybe… she knows Camila but doesn’t know that it’s your Camila?”

I scoffed. “I don’t know who’s supplying you guys your drugs, but you may wanna find someone else because you’re all fucking losing it. Camila. Is. Dead. And Tori Kelly is a pathological liar.”

***

After sending my former bandmates on their way, I pulled my phone out as the tears flooded my vision once again. This is why I don’t let people in.

Lauren - 12:42 PM: Are you happy? Proud of yourself? Does it make you feel better? Sleep at night peacefully?

Lauren - 12:43 PM: You know, I’m really not sure what’s more fucked up. The fact that I actually saw you as a possible friend or the fact that you were here for almost two weeks and pretended to not know that my dead wife was Camila Jauregui or mostly known as Camila Cabello.

Lauren - 12:43 PM: You’re a fucked up person. How the fuck do you do shit like that? Do you enjoy causing people pain?

Lauren - 12:44 PM: No wonder you wanted to get close to me. You’re fucking crazy. Just stay out of my life and stop giving my old bandmates hope that Camila may still be alive because she’s not, okay? You know that. I’m sure you’ve had your fun to toy around and fuck with peoples emotions but just fuck off now.

I went to hit the block button when my phone started to buzz, Tori’s name coming up on display. Hitting on ignore, I proceeded to attempt to block again but it started buzzing once again.

Letting out a huff of annoyance, I answered, holding the phone up to my ear. “What the fuck do you want? You already had your fun right? Fuck. Off.”

“Lauren, what are you talking about?” I laughed at her attempt to play dumb.

“Just give it up Tori! You had your fun. You got to me. You somehow got to my former bandmates as well, so please just–”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Lauren, I swear to God. You just randomly started blowing up my phone completely going batshit crazy on me. I haven’t done anything to you.”

I paused at the genuine confusion I heard in her voice before shaking my head. She wanted me to believe she knew nothing. She’s messing with me again. “Just stay out of my life.”

With that, I hung up.

***

Tori stared down at her phone. She was frozen. She didn’t know what to say and or do. She sat in her office chair for a few seconds, her brain not being able to process what had just happened in such a short time span. Snapping out of it, she immediately headed for messages on her phone.

Tori - 11:57 AM - i really don’t know what i did. can you please just explain and i’ll leave you alone, i swear. if you don’t wanna be friends anymore just let me know and i’ll go.

Staring down at her phone, she bit her bottom lip nervously. She could feel the tears pricking at the corner of her eyes.

Lauren - 11:59 AM: I’m blocking you.

Tori - 11:59 AM: wait no please

Tori - 11:59 AM: please tell me what’s happening

Tori - 12:00 PM: please

The three dots in the bubble that indicated Lauren was typing came and disappeared several times. Tori grew nervous as each minute passed by.

Lauren - 12:23 PM: You are really into this playing dumb shit, huh? In case you’ve forgotten your own actions, you not only fucked with me the entire time you were in California, but you had the fucking nerve to stalk on some Great Dane shit and find my former bandmates phone number telling her Camila was still alive. If you were a fucking fan of Fifth Harmony, you could have said something. For nearly two weeks, you pretended to befriend me, pretended that you knew nothing about my late wife. Did you know that all of my former bandmates that I haven’t seen in almost four years all flew out to Los Angeles because they were convinced there was a chance of Camila being alive. But we both know there’s not.

Lauren - 12:25 PM: Oh wow and you made up a best friend named Karla who coincidentally has the same first name as Camila, huh? Then you text Dinah on some unknown number telling her that you’re in Yakutat, Alaska in “danger” with Lola. You’re a fucking joke.

Lauren - 12:28 PM: I have only one question for you Victoria. Why? Why would you purposely make someone relieve the pain of someone who died? What if I played some fucked up prank on you telling you that your dad was still alive? Honestly just go to hell.

As Tori read the messages over and over, she tried to make sense of what was going on. Lauren’s words hurt her more than she wanted to admit. Her heart was slowly breaking as the harsh words sunk deeper and deeper. Thumbs trembling, she began typing, hoping and praying that she wasn’t blocked yet.

Tori - 12:37 PM: i’m very sorry for whatever’s currently happening lauren but i did not message your old bandmates and lead them to think your wife was still alive. i didn’t even know the name of the band you use to be in until these last messages. you never even told me your wife’s name

Tori - 12:39 PM: i can’t blame you for your suspicions. you’ve met the first person ever from yakutat, alaska and now someone is telling you that your dead wife is in danger there to my understanding of what you’ve said. but i didn’t make anything up. i really like you and i don’t want you to think that i’m messing with you because i swear and cross my heart, hope to die that i am not

Tori - 12:40 PM: karla is a real person. my best friend. i didn’t make her up. i wasn’t a fan of fifth harmony. i really didn’t even know what that was until again, you mentioned it. all you ever told me was that you were in a band with four other chicks and you spilt up in late 2016 and married one of them

Tori - 12:42: i’m really sorry for the misunderstanding and i get if you don’t wanna talk to me anymore. i’m sorry. i won’t bother you anymore

After sending her messages, she waited for a reply. An hour to be exact but it never came. Within the last hour of her awaiting Lauren’s reply, she read the messages over and over, crying softly to herself. She hated feeling like she was hurting someone. Her first time out of the state and she’s already made enemies with someone she really liked as a person.

Putting her phone down on her desk, she decided to call it a day. Packing up her belongings, she made her way over to her boss’s office and knocked on the glass door. She could already tell the light makeup she wore was smeared from her crying but she couldn’t find it in her to care. She just wanted to go home. Dustin Harrison, the on floor boss for the day at Tori’s workplace shut his laptop and smiled up at the curly headed blonde before frowning. “Hey Tor– what’s wrong?” He asked, cutting off his greeting.

Tori sighed to herself, shaking her head. “Nothing Dus. Can I please take the rest of the day off? I’m not feeling too well,” she mumbled.

Dustin nodded immediately, pulling out a slip of paper, signing it and handing it to Tori. “No problem darlin’. Just come in when you’re feeling better, okay?”

Times like these were when she was really thankful for the understanding staff at her workplace. Maybe she could visit Karla later and rant. That is if Lola’s head ass lets her.

***

“Tori, what’s the matter? You haven’t touched your food at all,” Laura asked with a sigh. She had dropped her fork onto her plate and set her glass of wine down as she gazed at her daughter who had been aimlessly staring off into space the last fifteen minutes.

Tori glanced at her mom before resuming her stare into space. “Nothing Ma, just not hungry.”

Tori could barely find any form of energy to engage in small talk with her mother since she got home from work a few hours ago. Lauren had still not replied only this time, read her message. She was pretty sure she was blocked by now. She just lost a friend over something she didn’t even do and to say it was affecting her would be an understatement.

Laura shook her head. “Now Victoria, is lying to me really a good idea?”

Sighing, she looked down as the first tear fell. “I messed up Ma,” she breathed out.

Laura gave her daughter a look of confusion. “How?”

She took a deep breath. “Do you remember when I went to Los Angeles to record that demo for Karla’s birthday?” She started. Laura nodded. “Well, I met this girl there. Her name is Lauren. Everything I ever recorded there, she helped me on. We became friends over the time I was there and we started to talk everyday. So much so that she got really worried when I didn’t text her back after I landed for a few hours because I forgot.

"When I was there, she told me some things about her. Like how she use to be in a group called Fifth Harmony with four other girls. In Fifth Harmony, she dated and ended up marrying and having two kids with one of the members after the group break up in 2016,” she paused, her heartbeat picking up its pace. “She also told me that in 2019, her wife died and she was left to raise a two and a one year old at the time on her own.

"Everything has really been a blur, but long story short, when I came back everything was good up until today. She texted me and she was pissed. She started accusing me of messing with her bandmates and her–”

“What? How?” Laura interrupted. Tori gave her mom a look and the raven haired woman put her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. Sorry, continue.”

“Anyways like I was saying, she was accusing me of messing with her and her bandmates. Apparently someone texted one of her old bandmates telling them that Camila - her supposedly dead wife - was alive and in danger. This person posing as Camila apparently. She thinks it’s me now because the person said that she was in danger, here, in Yakutat, Alaska and she just met me and I’m from Yakutat, Alaska. She thinks I’m just some weird old fan who got close to her just to prank her like this.

"She said that’s why I was all up in her business. But Ma, I swear I didn’t do anything like that. I didn’t even know of Fifth Harmony until she started going off on me and I didn’t even know what her wife’s name was either up until she texted me those things. How could I just up and do something so elaborate when I just met her a week and a half ago? She barely told me anything about her personal life except for those things.

"Then she told me I faked having a best friend named Karla because her wife - Camila’s - first name is Karla. She just blamed everything on me, told me she was blocking me and to never talk to her again. I explained that it was a misunderstanding and that I haven’t done anything but she never replied and I don’t know what to do Ma. I really like her and she wants nothing to do with me. She probably thinks I’m some crazy bitch.”

When Tori finished, she wiped away the few tears of frustration that had fallen during her explanation. Laura stood up and extended her hand out to her daughter. Tori looked up at her mom in confusion. “What are you doing mom?”

“C'mon, lets go look up Fifth Harmony and see why this girl is so adamant about you messing with her.”

***

“I never met that girl, but by those messages, I doubt she did this Lauren,” Ally spoke as she took the glass of wine I had poured for her into her small hands.

Its been a few hours since my former bandmates decided to involve themselves into my life for the first time in years with their crazy assumptions that Camila may still be alive. I don’t care what they say, Camila’s dead. I saw her body parts. I saw the DNA results from the autopsy. I saw it all. She’s dead. And the sooner we all come to terms with that, the sooner they can move along and continue ignoring my daughters and I’d very existence.

I thought I had sent them on their way and they’d book a flight to return to where they needed to be, but they somehow found where I lived and invited themselves over. I just wanted them to leave before the new sitter arrived with the girls. After what happened with Lucy, I didn’t trust her around them for awhile.

Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair. “You guys, please. I cannot stress this enough. I’m tired of this. Camila’s gone. Alright? She’s dead. Please just drop this all. Tori is just a delusional former fan pulling a cruel prank.”

Dinah stood up from her place on my barstool, pacing back and forth. Suddenly stopping, the Polynesian stared at all of us with watery eyes. This was obviously affecting her way more than necessary. Dinah didn’t need to get her hopes up. If Camila was alive, I’m sure I would know. This was not the time to open up a can of emotions. Because once it opened, I wouldn’t be able to care for my daughters. Camila would have wanted me to stay strong for them and not fall into traps set up by sick people.

“What if it’s not a prank? Huh, Jauregui? What if your wife, the love of your life, the mother of your children is truly alive? What if you’re just so blinded by this wall of self protection you have up that you can’t even see that every minute we waste, Camila may be getting hurt and actually killed by the crazy bitch?!

"I know you don’t want to believe something just to get let down. I know that happened so many times after her death and we all believed it time and time again. But I don’t think someone would randomly just up and do this so many years later. Lauren, please. Camila could-”

I suddenly found myself shouting at the top of my lungs as tears filled my eyes. “Enough Dinah!” My hands shook as Ally and Normani stopped what they were doing to stare at me as Dinah shrunk back slowly. This is what I didn’t want. This is what makes me weak. I can’t be weak for my daughters. I can’t be weak for myself. I just couldn’t. “Camila is gone. Alright? She’s gone. Shes not coming back, she’ll never come back. You wanna know why? Because she’s dead. Dead people don’t make a r-reappearance,” my voice cracked as realization hit me for the first time in years. My wife is dead. I’d never get her back. The familiar aching that I haven’t felt in so long soon returned to the center of my chest as the room started to close in around me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Normani was the first to get up and come to my side, followed by Dinah and Ally. “Okay Lo. Okay. We’ll stop, just breathe, alright? Please calm down.”

Moments after catching my breath, I shoved the three women off of me. My knees felt weak, my head throbbing with an upcoming migraine. “Let this go and leave. Luna and Lana won’t be reintroduced to you just for you guys to walk away again. Go back to wherever you came from,” I spat out, my green eyes glaring holes into each of them.

The three of them shared looks of defeat before gathering their things and heading towards the door. Just as Dinah went to open it, Ally turned around and walked back over to me. She wrapped her tiny arms around me, not caring if I didn’t hug back as she whispered in my ear. “I know it’s scary to think of the possibilities, but don’t completely rule them out. Because I believe there is a God. And the God that I worship isn’t so cruel as in to let us all be toyed with like this after so many years. I believe that Mila is alive. And we’re going to find her, with or without your help,” pulling away she looked at me with tear filled eyes. “Even if this is all one big prank, even if this is all one big joke to someone, trying never hurt. Because without effort, there’d be no faith. And with no faith, then what are we as human beings?”

I felt my mouth hang open slightly, at a loss for words. Shaking my head and closing my mouth, I stepped back. By now Dinah and Normani had both come back over as the three of them stared at me expectantly. “So…?” Normani trailed off, the three women awaiting my reply.

***

Bringing her fist up to knock on the door, she shifted from side to side impatiently, glancing around. When the door opened and she came face to face with the familiar hazel eyes, she spoke quickly. “They know that Camila is alive.”

Hazel eyes turned to slits as she dragged the woman inside before shutting the door. “What the hell do you mean by "they know” Janelle?“ She hissed out, anger coursing her body.

Janelle shook like a leaf under the harsh, murderous gaze of Lola.

***

a/n: im so sorry for the late update. because of that i made this chapter extra long and divided it into two parts. the next part is gonna be so… just wow lmao. so double update for y'all. i’ll post that after seeing the feedback on this one.

please make sure to comment and vote. to my tumblr readers, please visit my wattpad @ wthbello to see when i upload the second half of this part. please answer chapter questions below if you’re a wattpad reader.

what do you think about lauren accusing tori?

what do you think tori and her mom will find out?

how do you feel about this chapter overall?

what do you think of janelle?

do you think lauren will try to go along with finding camila?

how do you feel about laurens initial reaction?

thank you so much for reading. i really, really, really, really, reeeeaaaalllllyyyyy, hoped you enjoyed it. please let me know if i should go ahead and post part two of this chapter or have yall just forgotten about this book? lmao.

once again, make sure to comment and vote. answer those end of the chapter questions too. lmao (:

ALSO DONT WORRY NORMANIS COMING OUT IN THE BEGINNING WILL SOON BE UTILIZED A FEW CHAPTERS IN. IT WASNT JUST FOR SHOW.

one last thing, i wanna address the whole laucy situation momentarily. if one of my readers happens to be apart of the group of people who harasses lucy, who comments endless lines of "camren is real” under any of their posts, who deliberately tries to hurt anyone lauren or camila have gotten close to, this is a giant fuck you to you. please hop the fuck off my page.

there’s nothing more disgusting than a group of people who intentionally try to hurt others for - as lauren would put it - their own sick pleasure. people romanticize gay ships these days and its kind of creepy. obsessing over two people who have told you time and time again that something isn’t real is crazy af. sure i write camren and yes i do ship them. but im also respectful of their wishes as human beings. im respectful of the fact that the things i read and write is nothing but fictional and should stay that way. im respect of the fact that they are two grown women trying to get through life as individuals and create their own individual relationships.

please, i am begging you, give it a rest. camren isn’t alive. never has been and never will be. its a fantasy that fans have made up. thats not a problem. everyone has the right to feel a certain way towards something, but forcing it onto someone? hurting people they love? now that’s a whole new level and it’s unacceptable.

as someone around the girls’ age, (im 20) and pretty much had to grow up at a young age like that, if not younger, i kind of understand in a sense. i was put into the foster system from age 6-16. luckily being adopted in my late teens. i had to grow up hella fast and if in that mix, i had a group of people on my back pairing me with my best friend and saying that we’re dating, we’re fucking on the DL, making up scenarios and theories as to how that person and i could secretly be together, i’d hate my life. i mean, what’s fun in having millions of people intentionally ruin aspects of your life for their own wants?

all im saying is respect lauren and whatever relationship she’ll have with lucy. because ive seen it. ive seen how those two stare at each other and THATS love. not whatever we make up in our heads. those two have been through it all with each other and the least we can do as people who love and care for lauren is respect how she feels towards someone and i hope that one day they can mend their broken relationship and come out the way that they had planned to. come out with zero fucks and unconditional love and happiness towards each other.

if you don’t like that, if you don’t wanna read what i have to write anymore because i choose to respect two individuals and keep my fantasies, fake, then please by all means, unadd this story from your library and never read any of my works again.

thats all i have to say on this matter. i have the utmost respect for lauren and lucy and i wish nothing but goodness and happiness to those two. thats love. whether hard headed camren shippers choose to respect that or not. if you are willing to fuck someone else’s happiness up for your own, you’re a horrible person and fuck you. goodbye.

don’t forget to follow me (;

sorry if that rant or this chapter as a whole made no sense. english isnt my first language and i tend to fuck up a lot when it comes to writing it. anyways thanks for reading.

ellianna, xxxxxxx