#sigh�� I never did actually finish listening to the audio drama

[obstinaterixatrix]

see like 90% of the time I fall off a series when there’s an extended flashback but mdzs is like half flashback and gripped me by the throat the entire time and I think it’s because the flashbacks were context for the relationship (and contradicting wwx’s biases) (lol), like there was context for politics and worldbuilding but it was done mostly with the relationship as a focal point… meanwhile with uncanny charm there was a flashback with the brother and his little brother and the underworld guy which is all tangentially related to the main character but that was like. 7+ weeks without the mc + li like if I’m reading a romance I’m reading it for the romance. and I need to get back into legend of the fox bead which had like, I dunno, 6 weeks of li backstory but it’s not context I particularly care about because it’s primarily relationship context with the li + someone from the past, which does give an idea for why the li is who she is and also why she’s a spirit, but if I’m honest, I don’t particularly care. I think mdzs did it best because it’s very frustrating for the reader but still pulls you in, it’s a good balance of tension + momentum and it’s all relevant. a while ago a pal told me ‘yeah a lot of people hated the novel’s structure’ & I was like ‘????? tasteless. enjoy the hostile puzzle feeder of mxtx’s narrative.’

[smooshjames]

forget you not (iii)

uh-oh, uh-oh, here i go again (or: interviews and old friends)

word count: just under 4k

a/n: part 3 of forget you not! i was gonna post this yesterday and then i totally forgot, but it’s here now! once again, the band in this story is based on little mix and i didn’t write any of the songs referenced (this chapter’s songs can be found here, here, here, and here). at the risk of sounding annoying, i have a ko-fi if you’d like to donate, but don’t feel obligated to do so!! if you can’t or don’t want to that’s totally fine, thank you for taking the time to read my work regardless of if you can spend money on it or not. i hope you enjoy!!

warnings: angst (again)

previous parts: one, two

Sunday morning brought with it more Twitter notifications than you’d gotten in a long time. Your alarm went off obscenely early yet again; you had a full day ahead of you. The band was recording a new single which would be released sometime later in the year (the date was still up in the air) and you had decided to do it while you were in LA since you could work with a few producers that you’d never met before.

So, at five o’clock in the morning, you rolled over in your hotel bed and groped around on your nightstand for your phone. You shot upright when you saw how many notifications you had, a bolt of panic going through you at first. What the hell could’ve happened to result in so much activity?

You scrolled through a couple of your mentions before you got to a tweet from some gossip site. There was a photo of you from the concert the night before, probably taken by a fan if the quality was anything to go by. You were mid-note, your mouth open around a word, and it was pretty obvious that you were crying. The tweet read: “‘You never brought me flowers’! Y/N Y/L/N tears up while singing her band’s hit song Towers. Could there be a mystery man that caused her to get so emotional on stage…?”

Carly mumbled a good morning from the bed next to yours. You didn’t reply. You barely even noticed her leaving the main area of the room and heading into the bathroom; you were too busy looking through the replies to the tweet. They were all pretty tame, but you still felt a pit opening up in your stomach. You didn’t have any press that day since you were recording the new single, but the next day was chock-full of interviews and other promotional shit. Your Twitter feed was showing no signs of slowing down, and you really didn't want to have to explain to some random interviewer that you'd been crying because you still weren't over a breakup from five years ago.

“Everything okay?” Carly asked. You looked up, startled, and realized that she had come back from the bathroom. “You seem… distraught.”

You beckoned her over to your bed and showed her the original tweet from the gossip site. Carly gasped and took your phone from you, beginning to scroll through the replies. “Jesus,” she said. “This’ll be a shitstorm.”

“I know,” you replied. You glanced over at the clock on the nightstand and sighed; you needed to get up and ready for the day. Carly gave your phone back to you.

You muted your Twitter notifications for the time being, not wanting to be distracted while you were recording the new single. If an interviewer brought it up you’d just find a way to gloss over it.

You shuffled into the bathroom and did your usual morning routine. You decided to forego makeup for the day since you’d just be sitting around a studio all day, anyway. You dressed in comfortable clothes for the same reason. You figured it would be a little bit hard to focus on recording if you were in heels or tight jeans or something similarly uncomfortable, and you wanted to save your remaining nice clothes for the following day, anyway. Sweatpants and an old t-shirt it was.

Once you were dressed and somewhat ready to face the world, you and Carly grabbed your bags and went out into the hallway. Alexis and Piper were still in their room next door, but they let you and Carly in so that you could all sit and talk while they finished getting ready. Once you were all good to go, you met up with Michelle in the lobby and got into the car that would take you to the studio.

It was a pretty cool space; chill, with couches and chairs spread out around the mixing board where the producers would work their magic. You met the audio engineers as you were walking in, and everyone shook hands and went in to get to work. They seemed nice, and they definitely had a lot of cool ideas for what might enhance the song’s sound. You and the rest of the band had already worked out the lyrics and a basic melody, but the recording technicians had some ideas to really make the song pop.

The day passed in a blur of singing and listening and revising, and then repeating the process all over again. By the time you left, the sun was touching the western horizon and the song was almost finished; just a few final edits before it would be perfect and ready for release. “We’ll get it to Michelle in the next couple of days,” one of the producers said.

You were exhausted as you collapsed back into your hotel bed, but it was a good sort of exhaustion; the kind of sated tiredness that comes with a good day’s work.

You were flying so high, in fact, that you’d almost forgotten about all the Shayne drama. You fell asleep with a slight smile on your face, and your sleep was peaceful and dreamless.

***

That pleasant warmth of a job well done was ripped from you almost as soon as the next day began. Your first interview was with a local radio station, and it went alright for about five minutes; you exchanged pleasantries with the hosts, Joe and Maggie, and sat down between Carly and Alexis for your interview.

The hosts did their intro, introduced the band, and explained that you were currently in LA on the west coast branch of your current tour. Once that was done and the band had all said hello, Maggie turned to you, and the smile she flashed you was… strangely apologetic.

And then you remembered. Shayne, Towers, crying onstage. That apologetic smile hit you so fast it practically gave you whiplash.

“So, ladies,” Maggie said. “There was some interesting news about your concert on Saturday. You guys sang your song Towers -- beautiful song, by the way -- and Y/N… there were a couple of tears there, huh? Anything you can tell us about that? Is everything okay?”

From beside you, Carly opened her mouth, probably to say that you didn’t want to talk about it, but you stopped her with a hand on her arm. Her willingness to defend you meant a lot, but if you didn’t address it, it would just keep getting brought up. At least if you answered this you could do some damage control. “Yeah,” you said. “Um, I actually lived in LA for a while before meeting these lovely ladies and starting up the band with them. And while I was here, I was in a pretty serious relationship with a guy -- I won’t say his name for privacy’s sake -- and we broke up. I guess being back in LA and singing that song just… brought back some memories. But that was all; no new mystery man or anything like that, I’m afraid.”

There, that was a good enough answer. It held enough of the truth that you felt confident they wouldn’t press you for any more information, but you hadn’t told them the exact real reason. They didn’t know he was in the room, and they didn’t know who he was.

Maggie smiled and nodded, and Joe asked another question about the band that was unrelated to your love life, which brought a wave of relief sweeping over you. You smiled and laughed through the rest of the interview, chiming in with answers whenever it felt appropriate, and then said your goodbyes as the hosts transitioned into the next song

All things considered, that hadn’t been so bad.

Once you were out of the radio station headquarters and into your car, Michelle got back to business. “Alright, next up… another interview which won’t be broadcasted live. You guys are performing Think About Us while you’re there. Then we have an hour for lunch. After lunch, you’ll film a video with Smosh, and then another radio interview after that, and then you’re free for the day. Assuming everything goes to plan.”

You nodded and settled into easy conversation with the girls during the car ride to your next venue. You were pretty excited to film with Smosh; you hadn’t seen any of their recent stuff, but you were familiar with them in that you had heard of them and you knew they primarily made comedic content. You figured that would probably mean it would be a fun time to film there.

The next interview went just fine, and the performance went even better. For lunch, you and the rest of the team got food at a cute little bistro near Smosh’s offices.

When you arrived after your lunch break you were greeted by Ian Hecox, the president of the company. He was super friendly, greeting you all with handshakes and a warm smile. Once you’d all been introduced he began to lead you through the office space, explaining that you’d be recording an episode of their ongoing Try Not to Laugh series. As he launched into an explanation of the rules, a hand on your shoulder made you tense and whip around, surprised. This brought you face to face with…

“Damien?”

Your eyes widened almost comically as you saw the man standing before you. He looked a little different since you’d seen him last; his hair was longer and streaked with blue, and he carried himself a little taller, a little prouder. But he still had that same boyish smile, those same brown eyes. He was still Damien, and he was here.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said.

You laughed, shocked and joyful, and threw your arms around his shoulders, practically launching yourself onto him. He hugged you back tightly. When you pulled back, you punched him jovially on the arm.

“It’s so good to see you!” you said, a little breathless. “What are you doing here?

“I work here. I’ll actually be filming with you guys this afternoon,” he replied

“No way, that’s crazy!” You leaned back and perched your hands on his hips, surveying him, half disbelieving.

He nodded and opened his mouth to speak again, but Ian’s voice interrupted your reunion. “You two, uh… you two know each other?”

“Yeah,” you said, glancing over your shoulder. “I knew Damien… God, ages ago. We were really good friends.”

Carly’s eyes now widened in recognition. She smiled at Damien and raised her hand in greeting to him.

“Hey, Carly,” he said. He put his hand on your forearm and you turned back to face him again. The look on his face made your smile fade a little bit; he seemed nervous and a little sad. “Y/N, I should warn you --”

“Holy shit!” another voice interrupted you two, this one distinctively female. And also… strangely familiar. You turned toward the source and what you saw felt like two consecutive throat punches.

Courtney, Shayne’s new girlfriend, was standing across the room. She seemed to have just entered, and judging from the wide-eyed look on her face, she was just as surprised as you were. Standing directly next to her, staring at the floor by your feet… was Shayne himself.

You heard Damien mutter something under his breath, but your brain didn’t fully process what he said. You were too busy looking at Courtney and Shayne and wondering why the hell they were here. Before you could say anything, though, Ian stepped forward.

“Sweet, we’re all here,” he said. “Y/N, Alexis, Piper, Carly, this is Shayne and Courtney. Shayne’s gonna be filming with you guys this afternoon --” of course he was “-- and Courtney is --”

“Your biggest fan!” the girl interrupted him, and even despite the resentment you couldn't help feeling toward her, you had to admit that she was really sweet. She seemed like someone you might be really good friends with were it not for the fact that she was dating your ex, which made you feel even worse; she hadn’t done anything to deserve your hatred, but here you were hating her anyway. “You probably don’t remember, but I was at the concert on Saturday. It was super good, you guys crushed it.”

“I remember,” you said, because you didn’t know when to shut up. Courtney’s jaw dropped onto the floor. “Yeah, I remember. You guys came together, didn’t you?”

The accusation was clear, at least to those in the know; Carly went pale, Piper inhaled sharply, Alexis started coughing, Damien shuffled his feet nervously, and Shayne opened his mouth to speak. Before he could say whatever he wanted to, though, he seemed to think better of it and closed his mouth again.

Courtney didn’t seem to pick up on anything unusual, though, because she just nodded happily and went on talking.

“Yeah, we did!” she said, slinging her arm around Shayne’s shoulders. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve said that he stiffened as she pulled him into her side. His face tightened into a grimace, but you couldn't possibly imagine why. It was obvious that they were together. He didn’t need to hide that for your sake. “I was so fucking pumped when you guys sang Towers, you don’t even understand. That’s one of my favorite songs by you guys and you crushed it, especially you Y/N. Your part always hits a little different for me.”

Yeah, you and me both, you thought. But you smiled and nodded happily. “I’m glad you liked it!” you said. You turned back to the band and made eye contact with Michelle. She raised an eyebrow. You inclined your head just slightly toward Ian. She nodded; she knew what you needed.

“I hate to interrupt,” she said, “but we should probably get this show on the road. The girls have got a packed schedule today.”

“Of course!” Ian said. “Courtney, maybe you can harass them more if they have time when we’re done filming. But for now, Shayne, Damien, ladies, follow me.”

You hurried to catch up to the rest of the band. Carly and Alexis fell into step with you while Piper started walking behind you, obviously trying to shield you from Shayne’s gaze. You had another moment of profound gratitude for these girls; they took care of you when no one else would, they loved you when you couldn’t love yourself, and they always seemed to know what you needed without having to ask. That shared strength and love was one of the reasons the band had stayed together for so long.

Impressively enough, you managed to keep your shit together until you got to Carly’s. You didn’t bother texting her to let her know that you were coming. She’d let you in if she was home, and if she wasn't home, you knew her building code and where she kept her spare key.

Luckily, she was home; she let you up to her apartment without question.

Only once you’d crossed the threshold of your best friend’s apartment did you allow yourself to cry. You crumpled like a piece of paper against her and let out a sob so loud it bordered on a scream. Carly maneuvered you back onto her couch, sat down with you, and held you until you could talk. You were still crying when you pulled away from her, but you’d gotten out the full-body sobs.

“Honey, what happened?” Carly asked. You could hear the concern in her voice; it was rare that you showed up at her place unannounced, and even rarer that you started the visit by scream-crying into her shirt. She probably thought somebody was dead.

“Shayne got home from work and ended things,” you said. “Just… no warning, no ceremony, nothing. Three days ago he asked me my fucking ring size and today he told me that we aren’t working anymore. And I don’t understand because I thought he was happy! I thought we were good! I thought that we’d be fucking picking a date for our wedding, not for when I’m gonna come move out the rest of my shit!”

Before Carly could respond, your phone vibrated. You took it out and couldn’t help your tearful, almost-manic laugh at what you saw there; a text from Shayne, apologizing, asking if you would come home and talk. You went to reply, but Carly grabbed your phone and held it away from you before you could.

“Hey!” you exclaimed, lunging for your phone. She was an expert at keep-away, though, and you couldn’t even get close. You cursed yourself for all the nights out where you asked her to keep your phone away from you if you got too drunk. “Carly, give me my phone!”

“Promise me you won’t text him back and you can have it,” she said.

“That’s ridiculous! Of course I’m gonna text him back!”

“Is that a good idea?” she asked. She cocked an eyebrow. “If you can honestly tell me that you think it’s a good idea for you to say anything to him right now, I’ll give you your phone back.”

That knocked some sense into you. Immediately, the fight left your body and you sat back on the couch. She studied you for a moment and then leaned forward to set the phone on the coffee table. When you didn’t go for it, she relaxed and leaned back.

“Sorry,” you said. “I’m all over the place.”

“I know. It’s okay. That’s what I’m here for, right? Now, walk me through what happened.”

“He came home and he was being weird, and he was like ‘hey can we talk’ and then he basically just said that it isn’t working anymore and that he can’t be with me. He didn’t give me a reason besides that and I didn’t ask him for one. I just packed a bag and came here.”

Carly nodded, considering. “That’s really fucking weird.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long,” you said. At her shocked expression, you shrugged. “I’ve always said that he’s out of my league, right? It was only a matter of time before he got tired of me and realized he could do better. He probably realized that if we got married, he’d have a hell of a harder time getting away from me.”

“Were it not for the state of emotional peril you’re in right now, I would slap you,” Carly said. You let out a startled laugh; of all the things she could've said, you weren't expecting that. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say, and I’ve known you for a long time. If that was true -- which it isn’t, by the way, you’re the sexiest, most beautiful, smartest, funniest, greatest person I know -- it wouldn’t have taken him three years to ‘get bored.’ This is one of the dumber stunts he’s pulled, which is saying something. But this isn’t your fault. He’s the asshole here, regardless of his reasoning. If you want to talk to him and try to work things out, that’s your business. But whether or not things work out, this will always be on him. And I’ll be here every step of the way, buttercup.”

You nodded gratefully, even though you didn't believe her. You’d never been good enough for Shayne. This was always inevitable. Still, you put on a brave face for Carly. Better she didn’t know what you were really thinking. “You’re right,” you said. “Thanks, Carly.”

You could tell from the look on her face that she didn’t completely believe you, which wasn’t surprising. Carly always knew when you were lying. But she also knew when to let an issue lie. “Good,” she said. “Now, Bridesmaids or Legally Blonde?”

Ian led the group to a colorful sound stage. To the right was a partition, and behind it a bunch of strange props and costume pieces. To the left was a single stool, a piano, and some bongos.

The room was swarming with activity as crew people moved around getting everything set up and ready to go. Shayne and Damien led you over to the set. “Y/N, why don’t you sit in the stool for the intro?” Shayne said, the first words he’d said to you since you had broken up. His voice was professional and upbeat, betraying almost no emotion. “And then I’ll stand to your right, Damien will be behind me, and the rest of the band can be to your left.”

“Sounds fine to me,” you said, and you hoped your voice sounded less forced to him than it did to you. You sat on the stool, glad to be off your feet; your balance was suddenly fucked now that Shayne was next to you, and you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to keep yourself upright if you tried to stand for much longer.

Shayne went to go check something with a cameraperson, and the girls formed another huddle around you. Carly stood right in front of you, Piper to your immediate left, and Alexis just behind you. “Are you alright?” Carly asked.

“I’m sorry,” Damien said, cutting into the conversation before you could even think about how to answer Carly’s question. He was standing to your right, though he was a little farther away than your bandmates were. “I wanted to let you know before you saw him. I thought maybe it would be easier that way.”

“It’s okay, Dames. It’s not your fault,” you said. You reached over to squeeze his bicep, hoping to ease his mind a little bit, but the guilt didn’t leave his face.

“How did you know we would be here today?” Carly asked. You gave her a stern look, but she either didn’t see it or just didn’t care.

Damien fidgeted, nervous. You didn’t blame him; Carly was a force of nature when she wanted to be. “Um,” he said, “what do you mean?

“I mean that you had enough foresight to know that you could surprise Y/N and warn her about Shayne. So you knew we would be here.”

“We get a filming schedule at the beginning of the week,” Damien said. You looked at Carly as if to say There, see? A perfectly good reason. Now back off and let the poor boy breathe. But then Damien continued: “and Shayne told me about seeing Y/N on Saturday, so --”

He cut himself off, clamping his mouth shut as he seemed to realize what he’d said. Your gaze flew from Carly to Damien. For a moment, you felt thoroughly like a middle schooler; the he-said-she-said was something you thought would get left in sixth grade, but here you were nonetheless. Still, you couldn’t help the way your heart rate accelerated at Damien’s words. If Shayne had mentioned you specifically…

“What?” you asked.

You didn’t want to get your hopes up. You couldn’t get your hopes up. Shayne mentioning you didn’t mean anything. Besides, he had a new girlfriend now, anyway. He’d probably just done it since you and Damien were friends before shit hit the fan.

Damien didn’t get the chance to answer your question before Shayne returned from his conversation with the cameraperson. You were pretty sure he knew that you guys had been talking about him; it was pretty obvious by the way the conversation stopped short as soon as he got within earshot. But if he knew, he didn’t comment on it. He just walked over and took his place next to you.

Carly flashed him a look colder than the south pole and moved to stand on your other side, and then she plastered the brightest smile you’d ever seen on her face. You did the same.

“Alright, everybody ready?” one of the crew people asked. You nodded your assent. “Three, two, and… action!”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #293

“your head upon a stick would look really sick, but they would call me crazy for the way i spoke to it”

Hey bitch, what's your fucking name? What a start, jc lmao. Brittany. What color are your nails? They're not painted. Last time you got some ass? Well this survey's gonna be a journey. Many years ago. Do your parents like your style/music choices? Yeah, at least most of it. Some music my mom really doesn't like or just hates, while I can't even imagine Dad's reaction to some bands I enjoy. Ever seen your parents make out? tbh would rather slam my ankle on a Razor scooter. What's your dream height and weight? Forget about my height, if I could just be at least 120 again... Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What do you do when your house loses power? Light a bunch of candles and carry flashlights. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek piercings. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes. I grew up going to Sunday school and church, even though I hated both. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Gah... it was a very, very big source of argumentative fuel between Mom and me all the way up to my late teenage years when she just gave up; now, it's to be expected and is completely "normal." I always wanted to be on the computer once I was introduced to it; she tried to limit my time on it, and it was without fail what she would take away whenever I was grounded. I'd even sneak onto it when I wasn't allowed to if she wasn't home and Dad was in their room. My mom really did try to keep me from being hooked on technology, she really did, it just didn't work, but dear god I wish it did. I just about turn into a caveman without some form of it, and it's pretty pathetic. Dad meanwhile has never really cared much, but he'd make a comment here and there that would make me self-conscious about it. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, and guess who would be ignored for the rest of their lives if they did. It's so fucking disrespectful and objectifying to me. If someone wants to send a partner something like that by their own volition, that's cool, but asking, that just seems incredibly rude to me and turns the person into an object of lust. Ever been so scared you pissed? Caaan't say I have. Can you watch scary movies at night and not be scared? Yeah, they've never really fazed me. Last reason you got your cell taken away? I actually don't know if that's ever happened, given the aforementioned computer thing. I was never hooked on my phone. Could you handle working on a farm? Nooooo, that is way too much physical exertion. Have you ever been attacked by an animal? No. Have you ever had to put an animal to sleep? ugh Do you have a favorite type of firework? Well, visually I really just like the big colorful ones, but I don't endorse the use of fireworks anymore. Some animals literally die from fear, they can be seriously upsetting to veterans with PTSD (you could have one in your neighborhood and never know you indirectly gave them a panic attack), and they're a large source of litter. Where would/did you get your first tattoo? My right wrist. What's your favorite kind of pet? Snakes. Favorite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is obviously the coolest. It's always been my fave. How many pets do you have? Sigh, just two. Our landlord doesn't want us to get anymore pets than what we came in with. What were two of your favorite Disney movies as child? The Lion King and Finding Nemo. They're still my favorite Disney movies. When carving pumpkins, how do you decide what you're going to do? I haven't carved a pumpkin in years... so idk. Do you own any art supplies? Some, yeah. Do you believe you have a higher IQ than most? Definitely not. What is the name of the doctor that delivered you? I have no clue. Mom knows him for sure because she's mentioned him from my childhood, but I don't. Have you ever seen a Lamborghini in person? Hunny, I live in rural North Carolina. You don't see that level of bougie here lmao. Shane Dawson: funny or annoying? I honestly think he's fucking hilarious. I just have such conflicting feelings about him after "the drama," hearing so many people's opinions (particularly from those who know him so well, like his fiance and Ryland's sister), fact checking, audio cutting and mixing, the whole "people change" philosophy... I don't know. When you have a container of Neapolitan ice cream, what flavor do you leave for last? I ain't touchin' strawberry. Gross. If you could choose to have any superpower ever, what would you pick? I'd wanna be a shapeshifter/druid. What would you be more embarrassed to buy: sex toys or adult diapers? Yikes, sex toys. Given my age, I'd say if I bought adult diapers, people would assume they weren't for me. I'm awkward enough with all things relating to sex to begin with, so. What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed? Yo wtf I never have and never will (intentionally) kill an animal. Well, correction: I've killed bugs before, the biggest probably being some spider or something, but I really try to avoid this now. Could you win the Hunger Games? lol hell to the fuck no, have you seen me??? For you, would getting amnesia be a good thing? ... Maybe? Not saying I wanna find out, though. Have you ever been punched in the face? No, plan on keeping it that way. Is morality universal or relative? I question this myself. Who is your favorite late night talk show host? I don't have one. Where do you put your keys when you get home? They stay in my purse. Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? Neither. The sheer variety of questions relating to coffee and tea in surveys boggles my mind, always feel left out that I can't answer 'em lmao. What’s your phone background picture? My lock screen is this pretty, soft aesthetic screen that has "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough" written in the center. I've really needed it for my mental health lately. My home screen is some meerkats. I know, can you believe neither are currently Mark? Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? Plenty. How do you cope with anxiety? Deep breathing, mindfulness and grounding exercises, confiding in my mom, listening to music (usually my favorite calm, instrumental soundtracks, like from the Silent Hill franchise - particularly the second game! - or Shadow of the Colossus), try to nap, play a game as a distraction, watch my favorite YouTubers (typically something funny)... I'm lucky to have learned a lot. Now, if only I could cope with social anxiety... What was the last takeout food you ate? Oh Jesus, how embarrassing is this timing, seeing as it was one of my unhealthiest fast food orders: Son of the Baconator and Baconator fries from Wendy's. It was so fuckin good tho. Who makes you laugh the most? My friend Girt. What does a successful relationship look like to you? One with great communication and total honesty, and when you are able to build each other up and bring out the best in your partner. It's also imperative for you to feel safe being your authetic safe for me to consider it "successful." What do you like to put on your baked potato? "Salt, pepper, butter, cheese, bacon bits." <<<< That's how we do it, lads. What was the most memorable birthday you’ve had? My 16th, but not for good reasons. Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains? That's easy as hell, mountains. I don't like the beach. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah. Not gonna like what I see no matter what, but I'd like to make sure I don't look worse whan what's normal. Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? No. What do you like to dip your fries in? It varies between ketchup and honey mustard. What’s your favorite kind of museum? Science. Do you believe in alternate universes? Nah, I don't think so. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. What games do you play on your smart phone? Mostly just Pokemon GO nowadays. I haven't touched Dragons of Atlantis in a long time... Do you know anyone who is colorblind? Jason's older brother is red/green colorblind, I think? Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? Middle. What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? Ugh, I need to finish decorating my damn room... Got most of the stuff on the walls now, but it's still pretty skeletal in self expression. My motivation is abysmal. Have you ever flown a kite? Oh yeah, I loved to fly a kite with Dad as a little kid when the tobacco field just across the road was barren. Who was the last person you talked about sex/relationships with? My doctor. How many brothers does your father have? I'm almost certain he doesn't have one, just one sister. Do you think you act older or younger than your actual age? It depends on the situation. When it comes to "adulting," I don't have a fuckin clue what I'm doing. I doubt anyone would believe I'm a month shy of 25. In terms of general maturity, I think I act my age, if not older. When was the last time you swam in a pool? It's been years. What are your parents' views on your relationships? Mom is always very supportive so long as they treat me right; she's taken to all my previous partners very well and treated them like family, too. My dad is also supportive as long as I'm treated properly and happy. Is your best friend dating anyone? No. Have you ever babysat before? Twice, but not really willingly. Way too stressful. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? It took a very, very long time, but all pictures with Jason are forever deleted. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? Not a huge crush, no. Ever watched porn? No. You do you, but I don't see the appeal of watching some random people fuck. Ever performed in a talent show? No. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nope. How many celebrity crushes have you had? I'd say Jesse McCartney, Link Neal, and Mark Fischbach are my only BIG celeb crushes I've had. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? I dunno, don't feel like reaching back and counting. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Not visually, but with my adoration of animals. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? Oh, I'm sure. None that are horribly embarrassing though, or else I would have deleted them. Ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen a therapist since the 6th grade. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yep. A Facebook message? Sure have, when I was beyond done arguing with a former friend. A friend request? No, I just decline or accept it. My page is private, so you can't see my activity, and it's not like they get notified if it's declined, Would you say you read into things too much? I am the fucking sovereign of this. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? I love my mom to death, but no. I'd be disappointed. Ever had a credit card denied? I've never had one in the first place. Ever had the lead in a play? No. I do remember though in elementary school, I was real bummed that I wasn't Snow White for one we did for Music class. What about a solo in a concert? Never been in a concert. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Well. One, she's long past menopause. Two, because of ovarian cancer, she had all those organs removed. So, that would be impossible. Have you ever had a threesome? No; I'm personally strictly monogamous and would feel it to be disloyal, even if my parnter was okay with it. What's the last game you used dice for? Not a clue. Are you interested in surfing at all? Have you ever been? No. What brand of bottled water do you prefer? Essentia. What is your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. What is your favorite chocolate candy? motherfuckin REESE'S Have you ever been called a racial slur? No, considering I'm Caucasian. Why did you last stand in line? I was at the doctor's office, I think? What is your favorite pirate movie? /shrug What is your favorite character from Orange Is the New Black? I've never watched it. What was the most unsettling film you’ve seen? Watching the ending to Paranormal Entity was VERY uncomfortable. It was a decently scary movie, but the ending was seriously intense. When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t? I don't recall. Which celebrity or band has the worst fan base? I don't know. What are you interested in that most people aren’t? The sheer degree of my love for meerkats would definitely be missed by probably most people. What smartphone feature would you actually be excited for a company to implement? I dunno. Anything I could think of, the most current products probably already have and I'm just uninformed of them. Like, I use a Tracfone lmao. What’s something people don’t worry about but really should? Their plastic usage and disposal. I'm certainly no saint when it comes to plastic either, but I try to do all I can. What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis? Hm, ARE there any? Do you think that children born today will have better or worse lives than their parents? This depends on what you consider "better" and "worse." Environmentally, I honestly don't think mankind can maintain itself for that many more generations at the rate we're currently at, so that's probably just gonna keep getting worse. On the other hand, advances in medicine and things like that will certainly continue to improve quality of life in that sense. Human rights are getting better and better. I do fear that we're becoming too comfortable with laziness and convenience, but I hope that's a decline we don't continue to venture down. What’s the funniest actual name you’ve heard of someone having? I had a college classmate named Apple. Which charity or charitable cause is most deserving of money? Oh, come on now. It's not a competition. What game have you spent the most hours playing? So. When you type /played in World of Warcraft, it will show you your total playtime, and mine is YIKES. Like, around a year's worth of time of pure playing since 2014, I think. What’s the most comfortable bed or chair you’ve ever been in? I don't recall. What’s the hardest you’ve ever worked? When I did WiiFit religiously and lost around 40 pounds in HS. I was in the best shape of my life. What movie, picture, or video always makes you laugh no matter how often you watch it? Oh, there's certainly something. Probably some Unus Annus clip. That channel was a fucking blessing and a curse all the same. If you could have an all-expenses paid trip to see any famous world monument, which monument would you choose? Oh boy, I'd have to think, but probably somewhere in Rome or Greece. What’s the coldest you’ve ever been? I'm unsure. Probably jumping in the pool as a kid. My sisters and I would nag Dad to put the pool up on like the very first day of spring, so of course it was cold, but as a kid, I didn't mind that. What’s the most ridiculous thing you have bought? Hm. What’s the most depressing meal you’ve eaten? Ha ha yiiiikes, struggle foods... I don't know, but I've had some. What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? Herping, though I change my mind on-and-off about it. I'm not very into the idea of disturbing wildlife just because they're cool and you wanna check them out. I'd totally go exploring with a camera, though, and not actually pick anything up. If you were given five million dollars to open a small museum, what kind of museum would you create? Hm... I actually think something like an art museum for the mentally ill would be pretty interesting and educational? Even something that could build empathy. Maybe mix some psychology in there to understand conditions.

[candied-peach]

ao3: “like a car crash” rating: T warnings: crime shows, murder mention, food mention, intrusive thoughts/remus typical stuff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit, dukeceit genre: fluff description: Deceit and Remus watch TV. (anon requested: “demus watching crime show”)

"This isn't realistic at all," Remus complains, tossing a kernel of cheesy popcorn at the screen of Deceit's laptop. "Come on, the blood should be spurting, it's an artery-"

"Well, they can't exactly actually kill someone," Deceit comments, retrieving the popcorn and handing it back to Remus, who pops it into his mouth. "And I'd imagine that kind of spurting is hard to replicate."

"Still," Remus says, but he subsides, still sulky.

It's been a long day for both of them. Deceit because he had to help Thomas craft a multitude of tiny lies that all wove together in an intricate web to form a bigger lie, and Remus because he actually attempted to work with his brother. Attempted being the key word. Deceit believes that little project ended in Remus flinging a handful of conjured intestines at Roman's face and storming off in a flood of frustrated tears. He knows Roman is trying. That's the only reason Deceit hasn't paid him a little visit himself.

He sighs, losing himself in the drama playing out on the screen. A woman convulses limply on the street, her heels drumming against the concrete. She's a good actress, Deceit thinks. Of course, he's better.

"If there is any kind of camera within a mile radius," Deceit murmurs absently. "They will not only find footage of the murder, it will be clear as day, even when they zoom in. Especially when they zoom in."

"Probably," Remus says, then cackles when someone on screen discovers the new body and starts screaming. "That sounds so fake."

"It's not too bad, actually," Deceit says, with a thoughtful tilt of his head. He scoots closer to his boyfriend, intent on acquiring some of that enticing body heat for himself. Remus looks over, laughs, and lifts his arm, inviting Deceit closer.

"Look, there we go," Deceit says a few minutes later, pointing at the screen. "Gas station footage. Does it- No, it doesn't have audio, at least."

"I could make a better crime show in the imagination," Remus says. "You think I could get Roman to be the murder victim?"

"No," Deceit says, without even a second of consideration. "He'd never want to play the damsel in distress and a dead one is the ultimate damsel. You could probably get him to help you solve the murder, though."

"Hmm," Remus says. Deceit can almost see the cogs turning behind bloodshot eyes. Down here, they're a bright, glazed green. "That's better, anyway, he'll have to do more! Not just lie around and be dead."

"Exactly," Deceit says, turning his attention back to the show. They're handcuffing a suspect, although Deceit doubts that it's the right person, not when there's still twenty minutes to go.

"Dee?" Remus asks a few minutes later, with a hefty gust of breath. "I'm tired. Can we finish this later?"

"Of course," Deceit says at once, pausing the show and setting his laptop on his bedside table. The popcorn joins it. "What now?" Remus grabs Deceit around the waist and pulls him against him.

"Snuggle," Remus says, resting his head on top of Deceit's hair. "Hey, do you think when Roman plays with me, I can get him to be the murderer, too?"

"I doubt it," Deceit says, listening to the reassuringly steady thump of Remus's heartbeat beneath his ear. "But you could always try."

"Maybe I will," Remus says, contemplative. "Hey, Dee? I love you. Did you know that?"

Deceit smiles.

"Yes," he says, curling closer. "I did. And I assure you, the feeling is entirely mutual."

[lazynoodlepuff]

Sleepless Nights

Pairing: Eighth Doctor x Reader

Word count: 1024

Also on AO3

I listened one audio drama and that gives me right to write a fic with Eight Doctor, right?  It’s actually the second fic I ever finished.

Anyway, thanks to @dreaminginnight and @liravell for helping me. 

You didn’t know how long you have been traveling with the Doctor, but it seemed like a really long time. You couldn’t say when your relationship changed from a mere companionship to something more intimate. He was like no one you ever met before. Gentle, caring, open and distant at the same time. Like an old friend, but somehow still new. Sometimes optimistic and somehow romantic in his Victorian-like clothes, but other times melancholic and absent, looking in the distance at something only he could see.

And somehow he could understand you like no one else. When he was looking at you, you could see in his smile that he was glad to have you by his side. Like you were someone he wished to stay forever with.

One night, when you were about to fell asleep, he knocked on the door to your room. You sat on your bed, switching on the night lamp, when he sneaked in with a soft apologetic smile.

“Yes, Doctor?” you asked trying to get rid of sleepiness and hide a yawn.

“I’m sorry to bother you this late but I thought…” he started somehow shyly and hesitated for a while. “Well, as a Time Lord I don’t need as much sleep as you do and I thought - maybe instead of sitting there all alone I could sit here with you. If you don’t mind of course.”

“While I’ll be sleeping? That’s sounds a bit creepy” you replied raising you eyebrows slightly surprised. But you couldn’t help a smile. You didn’t mind at all.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like this...” he stopped when he realized that you were mocking him. Doctor did his best to hide his relief that you didn’t throw him out of the room.

You chuckled seeing his reaction and smiled warmly to him.

“I don’t even mind the light on if you need it. Nothing can stop me from sleeping” you joked waving at him to stop standing in the doorway and sit down.

And from this night on, you spent every night together. You were lying in  bed and the Doctor was sitting next to you, sometimes reading a book, sometimes just wandering in his thoughts. One night you asked him to move from a chair to sitting on a bed because it was wide and more comfortable and he gladly joined you.

You really loved these nights. There was something special about them. Surrounded by darkness, in the dim light of the night lamp, you were sitting in silence. And it was the most pleasant silence you ever shared. Sometimes you were shifting closer to the Doctor wanting to feel his warmth, and sometimes hewas gently stroking your hair. Neither of you needed to talk about it. You were just enjoying each other’s presence.

But when the weeks were passing by you noticed that the Doctor seemed to be more and more tired. Sometimes you were waking up inthe middle of the night and you never saw him sleeping. But there was something more – he was losing himself in his thoughts more often than usual, as if he was troubled by something you didn’t know about.  And you were worried about him.

When Doctor came this night you decided to have a talk with him. You sat opposite to him but didn’t know how to start. Your mind went blank.

“You wanted to talk about something?” Doctor asked softly, guessing your intentions.

“Yeah” you half-sighed relaxing. Maybe the best way was just talking. He was your Doctor after all. “I’m worried about you, Doctor.”

“Worried about me?” You couldn’t say if he was more surprised or disbelieving that you really meant that.

“Yes. You said that you don’t have to sleep much, but you look more and more tired every day. And more.. sad? I’m not sure but something’s bothering you.” Doctor wanted to saysomething, but you didn’t let him. “Doctor, I’m worried. And I want to help because I care about you, you know?”

You finished not sure if you said too much. You were looking into his eyes, much older and experienced than yours, when he was considering something. Then the Doctor sighed and leaned his head against the wall.

“It’s just…” Doctor moved his hands in the air like he was trying to describe some abstract concept. You waited for him to gather his thoughts. And then he continued.

“I have this feeling… Something like foreboding, that something horrible is going to happen. More horrible than anything I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen much. More dreadful than I can imagine. And there’s no escape from it.” Doctor paused frowning, looking inside himself to describe it the best he could. “It’s overwhelming. Like the whole universe, whole time and space, was wrapping around us to push us into the deepest and darkest nightmare, like… I don’t know.”

Doctor went quiet and looked back at you, but you weren’t sure if he was really seeing you. Whatever he was foreboding it had to be terrible, you had no doubts. And you also knew that because he could do nothing about it, he felt even worse.

“Doctor, I really don’t know what to tell you” you said touching his arm. He looked like he just woke up.

“There’s nothing to be said that might change anything.” He gave you a sad smile when you sat next to him. He took your hand in his. “It’s the worst at nights when I’m alone in the darkness. So in a way… You’re helping me a lot. Keeping me away from bad thoughts.”

You shifted to his side laying your head on his shoulder. The Doctor was gently playing with your fingers and you were thinking. About him, you, this terrible thing in the future, these precious moments and all that the Doctor meant to you.

“Doctor, you know that I won’t leave you no matter what?” you said, your eyes meeting his. These beautiful, sad, but somehow still not hopeless eyes.

The Doctor wrapped his arm around you pulling you closer and almost whispered:

“And I don’t want you to go. Ever”

[writemeaboi]

Commander Autumn's Log Files = Log #21

So I decided on fluff. The angst will come next when I finish the set of scenes I have planned building up to the angst. This is prob one of my fav scenes that I wrote since it is so wholesome. Also for those who don't know, Shanna's Logs is a collection of her audio logs from her sort-of-diary. It is also basically a space drama. Also if y'all want to read more I can post the first few logs as well.

@anipwrites @aurumni-writes @bluewritesbadly @writerofwriting @no-url-ideas-tho @arynneva @killer-badass

Let me know if you want to be added or removed. Thanks!

Shanna has been gone on a mission for a couple of months only to return on Christmas to give her girlfriend, Mei, a surprise gift.

*Log Begin*

December 25th, 2568.

Major General Tu.

It's Christmas. I've been rather busy today. It's already noon and I've had to sign more papers then my desk can even handle. It always feels strange to be celebrating Christmas in an area without snow. Being born in Maine, I was use to seeing snow during winter all through my childhood. But I have been in space for years. I'm use to the lack of snow but I still miss it every holiday season. My mother will more in likely send me a holo of the snow fall like she does every holiday.

Shanna’s use to the lack of snow more than me. She was born in the New Republic of California. She said she’d love to show me her home town sometime. Spending some time at a beach house doesn’t sound too bad. Nonetheless, I'll have to save my mother’s holo for her to keep this time. Maybe I could compile them all together for her. A Christmas gift from me to her.

Haha.

I don't think she cares if I give her a gift or not. And I'm not expecting any from her. We've both been more than busy. I suppose the only thing I'd want for Christmas is-

Knock. Knock.

Edith for the last time I told you I did not want to be bothered.

...

Sigh.

As I was saying-

Knock. Knock.

Jesus Christ, Edith. How many times does a women have to tell you to buzz off?

Footsteps.

Door opens. For the love of god I’m sick of….of-

“Merry Christmas, Bunny.”

Oh my god! Shanna! What the hell are doing back here so soon?

“Haha. I’m glad to see you too.”

I was so worried. I thought everything went wrong. I thought-

“Shhh, Bunny. I’m here and I’m alive.”

You...you got hurt.

“Yeah. I was going to come see you sooner but Joe insisted I go to the infirmary first, but what's so bad about some more scars? Haha.”

Wait. You’ve been on the station this whole time? I was suppose to hear straight from Tara when you got here.

“I told her to keep her big mouth shut. I wanted to surprise you. What better Christmas gift could you get then me? Hahaha.”

Well-

“Actually I can think of one.”

What?- Shanna you didn’t need to get me anything.

“Give me your hand.”

Uh. Okay?

“You dummy. The one with the ring on it.”

Why?

“Well, you can’t really wear two rings on your left ring finger now can you?”

...Shanna? You...No way…

“While I was on Ogal a lot flashed through my mind. But you were the main thought that kept me going through that hellhole. You made me want to come back so bad because I could never stand the idea of you being left alone, and me being the cause of all your pain. I want you to be happy. I want to be the one to make you happy even if I can be an ass. So...Inhale...Mei Tu, will you marry me-Woah.”

Yes! Oh my god! Of course you big dork!

“I love you, Mei.”

I love you too, Shanna.

“Were you in the middle of logging?”

Oh. Yeah. I was.

“Hahaha. That’s kinda embarrassing.”

Well, I’m glad I left it on. I want to remember this for a long time, and if we ever have kids this’ll be a cute thing for them to listen to.

“Woah. Talking about kids already?”

Oh come on. I know you want little Shanna’s running around as badly as I do.

“I’m just teasing but kids can be a future thing for sure.”

Footsteps. Door closes.

Of course. Let’s open some wine, make up for lost time, then you can brag to your crew about this. Now get that coat off and get over here, Autumn.

“Yes ma’am.”

*Log End*

[thecrookedgavel]

The Crooked Gavel - Ep 1 Transcript

Here is the transcript for Episode 1 of the queer audio drama - The Crooked Gavel. 

Audio of the episodes can be found here

Episode 1 Transcript

Credits Voice: You are listening to episode 1 of The Crooked Gavel: A 1920’s tale of court drama and lesbian romance, produced by Crooked Gavel Productions. This episode contains a scene of sexual assault, please look after yourself while listening.

Alice: I need an Earl Grey tea with just a bit of milk. It’s for Miss Paprika over at table 7, so make sure it’s cooled off a bit before I take it over to her!

Harry: Thank you, Alice. One noodle juice with a splash, less of a quilt and more of a bedsheet, on the way.

Alice: So as I was saying, my Daddy’s doing just fine, thanks for asking. He’s still working hard as headmaster and loving it. He did say he’s missing having you around in his last letter though, if that’s what you were wondering about.

Harry: *laughs* well if I’ve got to be honest, I was wondering just that. Some days, I miss teaching those little Joe Brooks, but making java and beating my gums with other intellectuals is the place to be. *sigh* Last time your father was here from Texas, we saw a Yankees game together. Say, did you listen to this week’s game? Hot dawg, I tell you, it had me jumping!

Alice: Oh no, Mr. Tarragon. I don’t much care for baseball. Never really interested me at all. The way you men drone on and on about it… Why, I am likely to be bored to tears.

Harry: Oh, come now, in my experience, everyone loves baseball. Even the ladies!

Alice: Only when they’re trying to impress a big timer.

Harry: In that case, you’d do well to learn a bit about baseball to aid you in your search for a husband.

Alice: Oh, Mr Tarragon, I’m not exactly husband hunting at the moment.

Harry: Really? Then what are you here in Brooklyn looking for? And please, give me a straight answer this time.

Alice: Well, inspiration. Direction. Belonging. Living in Texas just wasn’t for me. I found big city life to be very appealing. I’m sure you know the feeling.

Harry: You got me there. It took me a while to find where I fit in. But running The Crooked Gavel seems to suit me just fine. I do hope you find what you’re looking for. Order up!

Alice: Thank you Mr Tarragon, I think that I will.

---

Alice: Here’s your tea, Miss Paprika

Lillian: Thank you very much, young lady. *takes a sip* The tea is lovely, just the right temperature for me to start drinking. And I didn’t even have to ask this time!

Alice: You’re quite welcome. How’s your nephew doing, by the way?

Lillian: He’s doing wonderfully! Mathew’s started to get a lot of cases, possibly more than he has time for. But he just can’t say no to someone in need, I can tell you that.

Alice: I’m glad to hear that being a prosecutor has started to bear fruit. Speaking of, would you like me to bring you an apple to your table?

Lillian: Oh no, thank you. I’ll be leaving shortly after I finish my tea. I’m meeting Matthew outside as soon as he finishes up his paperwork for the afternoon. The boy has quite the gift for it, I’m told. This coffee house is so close to the courthouse, it just makes sense to drop in and see you! We’ll be taking a walk as soon as he gets here, since it’s such a lovely September afternoon.

Alice: Sure beats the storm last week. It started raining pitchforks so suddenly that I was caught walking home without an umbrella. Let me tell you, by the time I got home again, I looked like a cat that had a whole bathtub full of water dumped on her. Positively dreadful.

Lillian: *laughs heartily* That’s hard to imagine, given you look like the cat’s meow today! My dear, if only I were a few years younger.

Alice: Or if I were a few years older.

Lillian: *chuckle* if only… Anyways, my dear, here’s what I owe you for the tea. And don’t worry, you can keep the change.

Alice: Why thank you very much, miss Paprika. I do hope you have a lovely walk outside and an even lovelier day.

Lillian: Thank you, Alice. Good day to you, too.

---

Alice: I’m back!

Harry: You seem full of energy all of a sudden. Well, more so than usual.

Alice: I am indeed, and not because miss Paprika gave such a generous tip. She’s simply a pleasure to talk to. By the way, she said her tea was the perfect temperature for drinking.

Harry: Oh, Glad to hear, though you were the one who reminded me to let it cool. You have such a mind for people. I don’t know how you do it.

Alice: That’s very kind of you to say, Mr Tarragon. Why, I don’t think anything can ruin my mood right now!

*Door with bell opens*

Alice: Aww, shoot. I guess I spoke too soon. Well if it isn’t --

Harry: Judge Cayenne, always a pleasure to see the old egg

Alice: More like a bad egg. I know how he talks to you! You ought to hear how he talks to the rest of the staff. One time that high hat broke Betty’s poor heart down to tears. And she’s a regular bearcat!

Harry: John? What a bunch of malarkey! He is a pillar of our community… Why, he --- Well… To be honest, I have been hearing some rather nasty rumours about him lately

Alice: Yes? Do tell.

Harry: Let’s just say that if chin music is to be believed, that old bird makes the Crooked Gavel look straight. They all stem from the man he walked in with, Frank Saffron. That’s Cayenne’s assistant. He’s known to keep track of some rather dirty laundry. Mix in the fact that he’s so deep in the judge’s pocket, that he might as well be a couple of clams, and you’ve got yourself some moonshine that’ll put you straight in your coffin.

Alice: Now that sounds more like the fella I know

Harry: Both looking over here like they know what they want. *pause* That’s your cue, Alice.

Alice: Ooooh, but Mr Tarragon… Mr Cayenne makes me feel so uncomfortable. The way he talks down to me… it’s detestable. Couldn’t you serve him instead?

Harry: *sigh* Alice, I’m not paying you to be comfortable, I’m paying you to serve customers. He’s a customer, so serve him.

Alice: Oh, alright. I’m going, I’m going.

---

Alice: Welcome to the Crooked Gavel. My name is Alice, and I will be serving you today. Is there anything I can get for you?

Cayenne: Finally, we have been waiting for ages! You really know how to put the ‘wait’ in ‘wait staff’

Frank: *laughs a little too loudly* That’s a good one! You slay me, your honor.

Alice: Now that’s a load of hooey! You’ve not been here two whole minutes and yet you’re complaining. Now tell me, sir, did you bite into a lemon while I wasn’t looking, or is that face of yours just natural?

Cayenne: Buh - How dare you, you little trollop! You have just confirmed in my mind that you are disrespectful, vapid, and difficult to get along with

Alice: Well, for a judge, you don’t seem to be a very good judge of character

Frank: Oh yeah? Says who? Alice: Says everyone I’ve met with today. They all seemed to think very highly of me. Meanwhile, Mr Cayenne, you seem ill-tempered, antiquated, and like you’d be the wet blanket at a party.

Cayenne: *growl* You are living proof that women are best seen and not heard

Alice: As opposed to you, who is best not seen at all

Frank: *whispers* Wow, she sure got you good

Cayenne: *whispers* Silence… *normal tone* We would like to start with two espressos, mine with milk, his with sugar. Make sure his is cooled, and mine is hot

Alice: One test of my patience, coming right up

---

Cayenne: Though I usually prefer to be served by a woman for what I think to be… Obvious reasons…. It really can be quite taxing to have to actually speak with them

Frank: And how! You certainly have a way with words, your honor.

Cayenne: Thank you, old boy. That’s very kind of you. But that’s enough about her, let’s get down to business. Any changes to the monthly… donations to the John Cayenne fund?

Frank: Let me take a look. Hmmm… Everything seems to be in order…. Ah yes, it looks like the Mace brothers have missed their payment for the second month in a row.

Cayenne: Well... won’t they be surprised the next time either of them ends up in court. And exactly how much… creative accounting were you able to pull off this time?

Frank: This month I was able to get you 12 percent off the top.

Cayenne: *laughs* Attaboy, Frank. Excellent work, as always. You really are my right hand man, you know.

Frank: Aww shucks. It was nothing, your honor, really.

Cayenne: The only thing that would make this day better is to teach that flippant waitress a lesson. Wait, *chuckles* I have an idea that will put our little miss in her place...

---

Alice: Here are your drinks, made just the way you asked

Cayenne: Here, let me take them from you

Alice: No need to --- Woaaah! *Crash*

Alice: Now why’d you have to go and do a thing like that? You know I’m perfectly capable of placing drinks on a table myself!

Cayenne: Oh, sorry, sorry. How completely foolish of me. I don’t know what came over me.

Alice: You better be sorry, now I have to stoop down and clean this mess up all by myself

Cayenne: Yes, I suppose you will

*Slap*

Alice: *Gasp* Now would you kindly remove your hand from my backside, please? I-I-I find that wildly inappropriate… Your honor

Cayenne: Inappropriate? But you were the one who bent down in front of me. Wearing that dress… Wearing those heels. Why, you were simply asking for it.

Alice: I did not ask for you to… *gulp* try and woo me in that manner. I-I-I was simply doing my job

Frank: Your honour, don’t you think---

Cayenne: ubp, ubp, ubp! Woo you? Ha! Don’t flatter yourself thinking I was trying to woo you, sweetheart. You’re not even that good looking of a girl!

Alice: Well… Well then, why would you ---?

Harry: Alice, could you come over here a minute? Now?

---

Harry:  For crying out loud, Alice! Not only have you wasted a perfectly good set of espressos, but you’ve painted a customer’s suit with them! And not just any customer, I might add, but John Cayenne? He could shut the place down if he wanted to. What is the matter with you?

Alice: Please, Mr. Tarragon, you have to listen to me. None of this was my fault. He… That prune pit... Tipped over my hands on purpose! And worse, he did it so he could… So he could paw at me. I don’t feel so good. My knees feel so weak. And my head…

Harry: Oh here, why don’t you have a seat? *chair moving* 

Alice: Thank you… I can’t believe this has happened to me. You hear stories like these all the time, but I never thought it would happen to me. This just can’t be happening.

Harry: Oh, Alice. I can see how this would be awful for you. But you have to look on the bright side. He didn’t hurt you, or steal something of yours. No real crime was committed here today

Alice: No, that was definitely a crime, I know it must be. This whole thing has made me feel more terrible than I ever have in my life!

Harry: I understand, but there’s nothing left to be done. You’ll feel better in no time! I’ll give you a few minutes to compose yourself

Alice: I think I’m going to need more than a few minutes, Mr Tarragon. And there is so something that can be done! He can be pinched and shoved into a jail cell for what he did.

Harry: You can’t be suggesting that -

Alice: Yes I am, indeed. I’m going to take him to court. And you’re going to be my witness

Harry: Oh, no, that I cannot do. With the kind of pull that man has in the legal community, one word and there’d be a boycott on this establishment from every lawyer, aide, and clerk in Brooklyn. That’s more than half our regular clientele! 

Alice: Please, that awful man needs to be taken off the streets. You said yourself that he’s not on the level. He deserves to rot in jail for touching me like that.

Harry: I’m sorry Alice, but I… I didn’t see it happen. I can’t help you.

Alice: Baloney! With all the commotion, the entire BLOCK must have looked over.

Harry: I was already fixing up some java to replace the order that you… Well, he… dropped. Even if I had seen, I’d be out of a job if I spoke up. You’d be out of a job too.

Alice: I’m going to be out of a job this instant if you don’t pledge to help me!

Harry: Alice… Please don’t do this. I already said I can’t help you. Think of your future, think of your father, what would he say?

Alice: My father would support me no matter what. I’m sorry that you don’t share the same conviction. This is goodbye, Mr. Tarragon.

Harry: Alright, alright, I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you two months pay to hold you over until you find another job. Just don’t come back here expecting a place at the Gavel when your kale goes sour. 

Alice: *Pause* Thank you Mr Tarragon. You’ve always been very kind to me. I will remember that.

Harry: I can see it in your eyes that you’ll see this court idea of yours through to the end. Go on now,  I’ll clean up this mess myself. You go along home and get some rest.

Alice: Then, this is not goodbye. Only farewell. I do hope to see you again soon, only next time with justice by my side.

Harry: *Chuckles* Farewell then, Alice.

---

Alice: Mr Cayenne, a pleasure to see you, as always. Next time I see you, it’ll be in court!

Cayenne: Seeing as I have a career as a Judge, that is indeed a place you’d expect to see me

*Door with bell closes*

---

Credits Voice Thank you for listening to episode 1 of The Crooked Gavel! Follow us on Twitter @TheCrookedGavel for updates and discussions of this and other queer projects. This episode’s cast in order of appearance:

Katte Noel as Alice Cinnamon 

Nicholas Alain as Harry Tarragon 

Kaidan Cormier as Lillian Paprika 

An Capuano as Frank Saffron

Michael Hope as John Cayenne 

And An Capuano as the credits voice

Directed by - An Capuano

Produced by - An Capuano 

Written by - An Capuano

Copy Editing by - Sharon van Wyngaarden

Casting by - An Capuano

Sound Design by - An Capuano and BA Nemo

Logo Artist - McKenna Pipher

Audio Editing by - An Capuano

Audio Mastering by - An Capuano

Music by - Kevin MacLeod

Music used in this episode is attributed in the description.

[canaryatlaw]

So today was interesting. Overall better than the rest of this week, though I probably couldn't point you to any specific factors there. I guess I just mentally felt better so things followed that. Morning was a bit of a lol, my alarm goes off at 7, I turn it off and pick up my phone, then close my eyes for a few seconds. When I open my eyes, my phone now reads 7:40. What the fuck??? Like okay, it wouldn't be the first time I've over slept an alarm, but doing it just like that was weird. Thankfully it left me just enough time to get to work mostly on time if I ubered instead of took public transit, so I did a mostly normal morning routine and then ubered to work, getting there at 9:05 so that's enough for me to call it a win, if an accidental one. So for the morning I did some of my paperwork setting up the timeline from the other day, and about mid-morning I think I popped over to see if our tech guy was in and he was, so I let him know that I still couldn't get the prison calls to play on my computer which I felt bad about because they'd already like, switched out a computer and everything to make this work haha. But he was like nah it's cool, imma call my supervisor and we'll take care of this. And a little while later they came and did something (while I sat on the chair on the other side of my desk and scrolled through Facebook on my phone) and pretty soon they had it up and working. Okay, I forget if I provided any context for this when I first mentioned them, but I don't think I did so I'll give some here. To my understanding, we have recordings of prison phone calls from a man and the mother of his daughter, who is in DCFS custody. I'm not totally sure here, but I think he might've been in prison for some sort of child abuse (I don't think it was sexual, probably aggravated battery to a child). But basically they want to argue in court that mom is gonna get back together with dad when he gets out which would put their daughter in danger and they shouldn't regain custody, so the attorney wanted me to go through the phone calls between the two of them to see if there was any talk about getting back together or anything about their daughter specifically, them trying to get her back. So I set off with 530 audio recordings, most of them listed under "time limit exceeded" for reason of termination, which means they were 30 minutes long. WOAHBOY. So the first few I listened to were in the early days of his prison sentence and they had lots of good stuff for me to write down, but they started getting more monotonous so I like, checked my email and did some other random shit while still listening (I didn't read any fic, because I knew if I did that I probably wouldn't N able to focus on the calls). Soon enough I switch over to the more recent calls (so switch from August 2016 to March 2017) and suddenly there's a much different tone. The first one had them arguing over the fact that he said he'd call her right at 8:45 and he called her at 8:46, which I was laughing at pretty hard. Fun little prison break reference here, but the prison is called "Big Muddy River Correctional Center" located in Illinois, which of course isn't too far off from "Fox River Correctional Center (or facility?)" also fictionally in Illinois. So that made me smirk a little. So I kept listening, and then they decided to have phone sex, and I was very thankful for the fast forward button because having to listen to that I'm pretty sure is a violation of my 8th amendment constitutional right against cruel and unusual punishment. Lol. But for the most of the afternoon I just let the conversations play (I had headphones in so they weren't being broadcasted to the whole office) and noted when they said something relevant. For the record, they didn't need to talk about getting back together because OH, THEY'RE TOGETHER, and there was plenty of mentions of "getting their daughter back" (smh). So then I was just left to marvel at the strange range of tasks my job has me carrying out, lol. But anyway. My physical therapy options were pretty limited this week since I could only come after work and my normal guy is in Europe, and despite being there yesterday the only other appointment I could get this week was for tonight at 6, and of course I get off of work at 5. I figured if I ubered though I could probably make it with enough time to run to my apartment and get changed from my suit into physical therapy appropriate clothing, lol, however, my uber driver didn't take the best route and we got caught in traffic and I didn't end up getting to PT until 6:20 and I was such not a happy camper because if you pay attention on here at all, you know being late is my biggest pet peeve possible. It was okay though, it was just a little shorter of a session. Not a big deal. Now we just know 6 pm appointments are a no-go, lol. The girl I worked with was fine, I like my regular guy so I was kind of meh about working with other people but she was nice enough and she did a pretty good job, so that's good. When I finished there I walked back home and ate some dinner- I forget if I ever discussed my weird eating issue I've developed lately on here so I'm just gonna talk about it now. For weeks now, no matter what my big weekend meal I use for leftovers throughout the week is, when it comes to eating those leftovers it feels like I have to shove the food into my mouth. And then I get stuck in the whole quandary of "oh well I should eat it anyway because it's healthy" ("healthy") and no, don't force yourself to eat something you don't want to, but obviously a ton of meals I make have been going to waste because of this and I have no idea what to do about it. This week I was gonna try to really test it because I did my creamy Parmesan chicken pasta (I definitely mentioned that on here recently, but I don't remember the rest of the context) which is like phenomenal and I'd see if I had an issue with that, and yupp, when it came down to eating the chicken it felt like shoving concrete in my mouth. This is a totally new and out of nowhere development?? Like this has never been an issue before. And it's not just chicken, because I've tried other meats and it's the same thing (I can have like, two slices of turkey on a mini sandwich, but that's really nothing). And I just don't know what to do about this because I feel like I started the whole weekend meal thing because I wanted to make sure I was getting enough protein in my diet, because I wasn't really eating meat unless I was intentional about it. But I mean, I have been making eggs very often since getting my rapid egg cooker off amazon (seriously, I'm in love with this thing, it does them perfectly every time) and I also eat yogurt very frequently which are both good sources of protein so maybe not? Idk why but I have this idea in my head that protein = healthy which is true in some instances but not when my mind wants to apply it to like, a McDonald's hamburger because that's what it tries to do. I did just remember though when I was reading the info about acid reflux on my new doctors website he had one of the trigger food listed as "high protein foods" which I thought was weird that that would cause a reaction, and I hadn't noticed one.....but maybe now I have? It's obviously a different reaction but hey, if the latest theories are true my acid reflux has been fucking up pretty much all my systems with random ass symptoms like furious coughing, not being able to breathe while running, and of course not being able to eat anything that hits the mild salsa level of spice (that's not an exaggeration, that's legit how I describe it sometimes or people just don't understand when I say I can't have just "spicy" foods, like it's much worse than that) so who fucking knows if this is a result of it too. It just makes me anxious about my other eating issues that I purposely have never talked about openly on this blog for a lot of personal reasons that I just don't want to be out there for the whole world to see quite yet. It's just....concerning. Sigh. I need to move on. I ate dinner and listened to the flash podcast for a little bit because I was very into the episode, before turning on Riverdale about 20 minutes into it (thanks TiVo). I vaguely remembered it was the season finale so it should get some good drama. And there was some good drama, for sure. But damn, I gotta say, I feel so damn sorry for Cheryl Blossom. I mean the girl just lost literally half of her family and found out her entire family's business was a criminal sham. Like I feel like having her go out into the frozen lake was maybe one of the only times I've seen in tv where a character resorting to attempting suicide in reaction to an event actually felt genuine and not contrived. But goddammit Archie, just let someone else help you punch through the ice ffs because there was a LOT of blood in that last shot before the ice broke and boy you probably hurt yourself real bad there. As far as the other plot stuff, I was irritated of course by the inaccurate portrayal of the child welfare system getting involved in Jughead's life. First of all, he's in a safe fictive kin placement right now, even if it's unofficial fictive kin don't have to be licensed. Fred Andrews having a single DUI on his record would not disqualify him from fostering children. He also cited money, but now that the state is involved he would get a stipend for Jughead that would take care of the money issue. Second of all, they don't take kids into care when they have another perfectly capable parent who's just in another state and "overextended." What is that word even supposed to mean? To me it feels like it could only really boil down to finances, and there are legit laws in every state saying you can't take a kid into care just because his family his poor. They even have these cool things called Norman funds to assist families in those positions. So in conclusion, if this were real life, Jughead would either stay with Archie or go to live with his mom and jellybean (which is the cutest nickname ever). I don't know why I still care though, because it's not like there is ever an accurate depiction of the child welfare system on tv or other sorts of media. And that's an issue because it perpetuates ideas like "don't call CPS, they'll just make it worse" which is how kids end up staying in abusive homes and KIDS END UP DEAD. So this is an actual problem, believe me. Sigh. The one other note of feedback I will give is I do like Archie and Veronica together. When I finished that I turned on Blindspot, which I knew was the penultimate episode so there was gonna be some big firefight with a hidden twist at the end, and of course that was exactly what happened, lol. It was a pretty good one though, and I'm looking forward to seeing what they do to wrap it up next week. And I'm glad they got another season to work with. And that was more or less it for my day, and it is late and I don't want to be dead exhausted tomorrow- oh that's right, today was the first day in like, 5 work days that I didn't fall asleep at work!!! So that's progress!!! But uh yeah, I need to sleep now. Goodnight loves. Happy Friday.