#sidni has issues okay?

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Sidni's favorite cuddling arrangement: go!

The most frequent and her favorite position is on top of Cullen. She loves to curl up on his stomach and chest. (She’s like an overgrown cat. It also means someone would have to go through her to get to him if they were to be attacked.)

However, she will never admit that her even more favored cuddling position is when she’s completely burrowed underneath Cullen. It’s not super comfortable for him and he worries he’ll suffocate her with the way she burrows under his body.

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Sidni will be a weird ass sister.

@thebakerstboyskeeper, @puddle–wonderful, @kagetsukai

I propose a full Cadash family.

Murder Mom - Xena Cadash

Brawler Bro - Bronn Cadash

Savage Sis - Sidni Cadash

Bashful Baby - Osric Cadash

Thoughts? :)

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

💍💍💍💍💍

Let’s be honest, the Knife Wife is stubborn (and scared), but she’d give in and marry Shok after very little convincing.

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Hmmm... Praise kink for Sidni?

Definitely Not | No | Not Really | Its Okay | Kinda | Yes | Fuck yes | There go my pants |

Bonus: Giving | Receiving | Both

(It's hard for her to be verbal. Even if she wants to be.)

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Day 3 - “How Can I Trust You?” (Sidni)

Apologies! The stomach bug hit me hard. I’ll pop these up as quickly as I can to get caught up.

There’s talk of trials and suspicion and magic. She’s a dwarf. There is no magic in her veins. And even if she were to commit a crime like this, they would’ve never caught her. She would have been long gone and never made the mistake of incapacitating herself.

Ever.

But something changes their mind. Maybe it’s when she was forced to almost kill herself sealing the “Breach.” They act . . . different toward her. People whisper in her wake. Some bow reverentially as she passes. The angry and hurtful comments mixed in are nothing new, but the others set her on edge. Being treated like a holy figure is wrong.

She suddenly has advisors and guards that watch her every move. The other dwarf - Varric - appears out of nowhere more and more frequently, pestering her with questions. The elf mage, Solas, treats her like an apothecary would treat a strange specimen. The Seeker admits a respect for her. The world has lost its damn mind. And it all makes getting back to her father difficult.

She can only imagine the punishment waiting for her return.

“You thinking of running?”

She curses the gravelly voice interrupting her thoughts. He’d been watching her for a while, moving carefully closer despite her trying to appear unapproachable in every way she can think of.

“Maybe,” she snarls.

He stops at her side, staring at her. She tightens her grip on her dagger.

“I don’t blame you. Any sane person would in your shoes. A lot of shit has been laid on your shoulders.”

She doesn’t respond.

“But I don’t think you really want to.”

Fire ignites in her veins, her jaw clenching. She forces her face to stay blank. Of course she wants to. It’s not safe here. It’s not safe anywhere, but at least the hideout is familiar. This is just another cage.

“Is what you’d be returning to better than this?

Do not stab him. It will make them angry. Anger means pain.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this better than the Carta?”

Her heart pounds. He’s not wrong. Not yet. No one has hurt her. In fact, they’ve tended her wounds and healed her as best they can. They give her choices. She controls her movements.

For now.

Will it always stay this way? No. She doesn’t think so. There are so many of them. So many to watch and appease. So many who will turn on her the moment she missteps.

“I think staying here would be better. Don’t you?”

He keeps using that word. Better. Like it’s a promise. But the question is: is he telling the truth? Can she trust his word? Or is he simply luring her in?

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Hi, Sidni, is there things you like to do by yourself that you don't want other people to see?

I enjoy . . . I like to watch people. It sounds strange, but people are more honest when they think no one is watching. It gives me an idea of what makes them themselves. But my watching usually makes people nervous. So, I’d prefer no one knew. 

Sometimes it’s fun to watch and make up stories for them too. But that only happens when I’m bored.

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Day 3: Cullen and Sidni Have to Share a Bed Where the Blanket Isn’t Big Enough - prompt by @kagetsukai

This is late because I’ve spent the day helping with home improvement projects. (Why are paint colors so hard to pick? Whyyyyy??) Anyway, enjoy!

The nights get progressively colder the further into the Western Approach they go. It’s only made worse by the contrast of extreme heat they endure by day. She tells herself that’s why she keeps dragging her bedroll into Cullen’s tent night after night and huddling down next to him. Body heat.

Tonight, she listens to his teeth chatter, senses how he trembles in the frigid air. Her heart aches at the same time an irrational anger flares at whoever keeps insisting on separating their things and continually setting up a separate tent for her each time they stop. If they would just leave it be, her missing blanket would be here and not - most likely - wrapped around a certain thieving Tevinter mage.

When she’d discovered it missing after the camp settled, she’d insisted she’d be fine. They’d argued quietly in the dark until she’d dragged the small brazier closer to where they were laying. It does very little to help ward off the chill inside the lambswool walls and, at the first sign of a shiver from her, Cullen was wrapping his own blanket around her. And completely ignoring her protests.

She stares across the space between them. Cullen is always careful. An old voice in the back of her head tells her he’s scared of her, but she knows that’s not true. He’s been . . . better than she could ask for. He’s respectful of her and her own problems. Letting her come to him. Recognizing her fear, but never giving it a name.

By the Stone, she wants to close that distance. She’s wanted a reason to share covers even before the cold necessitated it. Would he refuse her? She doesn’t think so, but can she hide the sting if he rejects her?

Trembling of a different kind suddenly rushes through her body.

She imagines the way she’ll move. Her mind supplies the exact spots she can place her hands and knees on her way to him. A plan of attack, as it were. She knows exactly how quickly she can invade his bedroll, and in as few movements as possible. She’ll be there before he can realize it. Then she can wait for him to push her away.

Her heart pounds against her ribs as if to say, He won’t. He won’t. He won’t.

A deep breath, a quick check to make sure her sleeping clothes are covering her, and then she’s gathering the blanket close. She shuffles sideways on her knees and lowers herself onto Cullen’s chest, arms coming around his sides with said blanket.

He stiffens when he feels her weight. She tucks her legs against her stomach, curled into the smallest shape possible as she waits.

The moment his arms move, she braces for him to shove her off, eyes squeezing shut. Instead, he’s holding her close, under the blanket, using his legs to make sure it covers all the way down. She peeks an eye open, sneaking a glance up at him.

He smiles when he sees her looking. The dim glow of the brazier makes his features seem ethereal, and she’s suddenly not convinced she’s awake. His fingers brush her hair behind her ear in a familiar gesture.

“Thank you,” he breathes.

She nearly snorts. Definitely not dreaming then. Only Cullen would do something as ridiculous as thanking her for crawling on top of him like an overgrown stable cat.

Still, she relaxes against him, feeling the beat of his heart under her cheek. Her nose is filled with the woodsy scent she associates as his, though it’s slightly dulled under the less pleasant smell of sweat and sun. But he’s not pushing her away.

His hands begin to trace paths down her back. She tenses, breath stuttering, before melting into the touch. He pauses, her reaction not unnoticed by him.

“Is . . . is this okay?”

She nods against him, her fingers pressing against his sides and keeping the blanket tucked around them both.

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Day 2: Ambush Hug/Non-Ambush Hug for Sidni and Any Companion - prompt by @out-of-the-embers

She blinks, glancing around. There’s a ringing in her ears and her breath is still gone from her chest. Spots block her vision. She forces herself to move, to use what she has. Check on the others.

As she staggers to her feet, her vision clears some. Varric is groaning where he lays on his back a few feet from her. Cassandra is the furthest away, sword and shield scattered around her, pushing herself up on her arms and shaking her head. The dragon’s corpse is twisted in all the wrong ways, smelling heavily of charred flesh. She holds back a gag, turning.

Panic spikes through her.

“Where’s Dorian?”

Her shout freezes the other two. Sidni spins, scanning the still smoking area. She can’t feel the tingle of his barrier across her skin. And he doesn’t answer her frantic shouts.

She glances at her companions. Cassandra is bleeding from a head wound that needs to be seen to and Varric is limping, struggling to swing Bianca into her holster on his back. But they’re here. Her mind runs in circles, denying that anything serious has happened to Dorian before reminding herself this worry is making her soft and then rounding the bend to hatred that she would even dare think such a thing.

Varric begins to apologize, but she waves him off. None of them could have predicted the dragon’s attack would react with his elemental mine. They’re lucky their fate is not the same as the dragon’s.

And they have Dorian to thank for it.

She runs to search on the other side of the dragon, ignoring Varric shouting that she’s bleeding. She screams for Dorian again, heart threatening to pound out of her chest. Stone, please, don’t let me lose him. He doesn’t know how much he means to her, how much she relies on him. Too much.

How he’s become her family.

There’s no sign of him. Her hands shake as she stands at the edge of the small dropoff. She reaches for control, trying to find that space in her soul where her feelings can’t interfere. It eludes her. She feels flayed open, the stillness in her bones missing, the familiar heavy cloak of stone gone.

Her voice echoes as she calls again, one last time, promising all manner of harmful things to his being if he doesn’t answer her right that moment.

“Fasta vass, Cadash. I’m injured enough without your threats. Please keep your murderous tendencies under control.”

She spins, finding him scrabbling up the incline toward her. His hair is in disarray, one side of his mustache singed, covered in dirt and bruises, but alive. He’s muttering about his robes and his hair, but she doesn’t care.

Her feet slip and slide through the rocks as she sprints toward him. The second before she reaches him, she sees him look up, grey eyes widening and mouth falling open. The collision hurts, but she wraps her arms around his waist, clinging to him. She feels her heart settle even as they sway precariously.

“Cadash . . . Sidni . . .”

Let go of him. You’re humiliating yourself. He’ll use it against you.

She forces the thoughts away, reassuring herself that he’s here.

“I had no idea you felt this way,” he starts in a flippant tone. “But I must inform you--”

“Dorian. Be quiet.”

He pauses, but then his arms are circling her shoulders, holding her close.

“Are the others . . . ?” He trails off, voice quiet and low.

“They’re alright.”

“Inquisitor!”

She steps away quickly, turning to look up at Cassandra and Varric as they reach the edge. Relief paints their faces when they see Dorian.

As they climb back toward the clearing, the mage sends her a smile. When she returns it, she ignores the feeling that she’s left a soft spot for him to exploit. Something whispers that he’ll keep it safe for her.

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Wonder

Sometimes Sidni looks at Cullen and wonders what her life would have needed to be like for her to be someone who deserves Cullen. So that he would look at her and see someone of worth beyond what she can do for this Inquisition.

She wonders, if she had known he was going to cross her path, what she would have endured to escape her father’s hold as someone good. How many beatings would she have taken gladly, the image of his kind smile and gentle manner held in her mind’s eye.

And in her darker moments, she wonders if he looks at her and sees her. Beyond the Herald. Beyond the Carta’s Parsha. She wonders if he can see her. The child who clung to her mother and stared at trees in wonder. The girl who touched the stone in Orzammar and felt something whisper to her soul, nourishing her wonder and joy, promising something better than the pain her father’s hand constantly bestowed.

But even she cannot see that girl anymore. After being buried and pushed away for so long, Sidni is sure she no longer exists. So she smiles at her commander, keeps a polite distance, and yearns for something she can’t have. Because if there’s one thing she does know, it’s that creatures like her don’t deserve beautiful things. And Cullen, she has discovered, is one of the most beautiful things she’s ever encountered.

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Was there ever a point in Sidni’s life where she lost all hope for a future? Also, what is it in the world that gives her the most hope?

TW: Abuse & suicide. Please proceed with caution!!

When she was 17, Sidni was being punished by her father. Something snapped and she pulled her blade on him. He stepped back, smiled, and pulled his own blade. He let her attack, and she was determined she was going to end it there. She even landed a few hits, but only because he let her. When he had had enough, he attacked in a way that she had never seen before. It was extremely calculated in how he struck and wounded her, to the point that he very literally tore her apart and left her clinging to life. In his mind, it was better to have her out of commission for a while and lesson learned, than a servant who would dare to draw a weapon on her master.

It’s the one time Sidni had felt death so near and thought, “Just let go.” She thought of being free of the fear and pain and hopefully seeing her mother again.

Then she thought of her father, of everything he had done and planned to do, and refused to let him get the best of her. She refused to let her life end at his hand. And that’s how she’s lived ever since.

The one thing that gives her the most hope is the family she finds in the Inquisition. They turn her spiteful and bloodthirsty motivation to survive into something more meaningful. They let her experience the world differently, let her learn to be (for lack of a better world) human, and teach her to live. And it’s that possibility and faith that give her hope for a better life and the ability to hope for a future.

TMI Tuesday

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

13. What did they think of Solas? This is important info that I need to know, thank you!

(I’m doing this post Trespasser, which is what I assume you want to know. And P.S. you write excellent Loki fic AND like Dragon Age?? I adore you even more!)

It’s hard to remember that Sidni used to like Solas. She valued his wisdom and appreciated seeing someone who was slow to warm to the others like herself. He made her wary at first - something was off about him - but she put it in the back of her mind as she got to know him. She thought he was wise and intriguing.

Seeing him on the other side of that Eluvian, it all makes sense. To see him standing there, having used the Inquisition and their friends, used her, it fills her with a kind of rage she’s never experienced before. To trust him and then have him do this, all while planning the end of the world they’ve all sacrificed to save because of his mistake? If she wasn’t positive attacking him would be the last unsuccessful thing she did, she would. She would drive her dagger through his heart.

Later, as the anger festers and after he’s taken her arm, it solidifies a part of her heart. She’s angry at herself for trusting him (and starts to side eye her friends) and for him putting his selfish ego first. She’s been wounded because of it and she vows she will take him down.

Inquisitor Asks

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Month of Discomfort Masterlist

Otherwise known as thebakerstboyskeeper putting Sidni Cadash through hell. Intimacy prompts submitted by followers for Sidni and Cullen or her companions.

Day 1: Cullen Finds Sidni Wearing His Shirt (694 Words)

Day 2: Ambush Hug Between Sidni and Dorian (645 Words)

Day 3: Cullen and Sidni Have to Share a Bed Where the Blanket Isn’t Big Enough (659 Words)

Day 4: “Just Take Your Time” (1031 Words)

Day 5: At the Lake With Cullen, Realizing Intimacy Doesn’t Always Mean Physical (581 Words)

Day 6: “I Wonder If This Is What Family Is Supposed to Feel Like” (698 Words)

Day 7: Dorian and Sidni Sharing Something They’ve Never Shared Before (693 Words)

Day 8: Stumbling Around In the Morning, Getting Around Each Other While Rushing to Get Ready for the Day (687 Words)

Day 9: Offering Your Drink/Snack for Sidni and Dorian (565 Words)

Day 10: Holding Hands/”Can I Hold Your Hand?” (1033 Words)

Day 11: One Character Is Fixing the Other Character’s Jewelry/Clothing/Etc. (602 Words)

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

For my darling Sidni: 15, 18, 34

15. Out of the followers/companions, who are they most comfortable around?

That would definitely be Dorian and Varric. She and Dorian create their own kind of “we have shitty family so let’s be each other’s shitty family instead” unit. And for some reason, they just kind of get each other. He becomes her brother. With Varric, he becomes part of her family too. His support and care for her surprises her, but she eventually lets it in. The teasing is odd to her at first, but she quickly warms to it.

She’s pretty comfortable with Cassandra too after a while. They both have passionate, loving hearts under everything.

18. Do they enjoy Wicked Grace, or don’t they?

Pffft, you think this girl can’t kick your ass at Wicked Grace? Because she can and will enjoy it the entire time. And now that she can play for fun and not risk, you know, losing a finger or her life, she loves it even more.

34. How do they cope with the stress of being Inquisitor?

Sidni does pretty well at first. I feel like I say this a lot, but it’s a matter of survival. In the beginning, she’s doing what she has to so these people won’t hurt her or whatever it is they plan to do. Her first stress is when they look to her for major decisions. Especially because she doesn’t know them intimately and can’t anticipate what they want. If she can’t anticipate, she can’t react accordingly, and that will mean pain. In her mind. It takes her a while to trust that doing as she wants will be okay.

Coming face to face with Corypheus at Haven is what throws her. She realizes she just might care for these people and she just might be responsible for them (again, in her own mind). And she chooses to fully commit to this Inquisition and the people she’s starting to think of as maybe friends. That’s where her stress comes in. She finds that not being cut off from people/emotions invites uncertainty and almost panic. And she doesn’t know how to handle it. There’s a lot of charging into dangerous things alone to protect others, constant worry about how she’s treating her friends and Cullen, and wondering if what she’s doing is actually helping. But she doesn’t let it affect her fighting or missions. Cullen recognizes her withdrawn and hiding out episodes as her trying to process everything and figure out what the hell these feelings are. And he steps up to help her, even before they’re together.

Inquisitor Asks

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Sidni, what was your favourite treat as a child? Do you still like it?

“I wasn’t allowed treats. I stole a cake from a market once. It was sweet and delicious. My father was pleased I managed to do so without getting caught since I was young. But when he saw that I tried to buy one with a coin my mother gave me the next time we were there, he was unhappy. I learned sweets never heralded good things. But Cullen introduced me to this drink he calls hot cocoa. It’s . . . amazing.”

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

OC as a child

Tagged by the ever lovely @shannaraisles

Sidni Cadash

(Please be aware this is not a happy post. Seriously. Abuse warning. Read at your own risk. I’m sorry.)

(Also, please forgive the lack of arts of baby Sidni. I have no artistic talent.)

Who named them/Significance of their name:

Sidni was named by her mother. It sounded pretty and less harsh than anything her father suggested. If Keeva could have no control of her life or marriage, she at least wanted a say in Sidni’s person.

Home they grew up in:

With Lorcan (her father) being the head of the clan and one of the top dogs in the Carta, they moved frequently throughout the hideouts in the Free Marches. Each one had a little home for them to stay in, but since the length of time spent in them was never very long, Sidni never grew attached to any of them. Her mother was her home, until she lost her.

Relationship with parents:

Sidni adored her mother. They would huddle in secret places and her mom would whisper wonderful stories about the world outside the Carta hideouts they frequented. Keeva would compare the traits of legendary heroes to those she was trying to save in her daughter. Sidni held them close for the few years she had with her mother.

Her father is the only person she fears and hates and cannot read. He saw Sidni as a weapon to be honed and controlled, and he bred it into her slowly. When her mother got in the way, he took care of that. He kept Sidni in line by any means necessary. Denying her basic necessities, taking her small joys, and violence. Lots of violence.

Three Words to describe them as a child:

Determined, curious, angry

Childhood friend(s):

Sidni was kept isolated. She had “colleagues” in the Carta, but no one she was allowed to get very close to.

Favorite Toy:

Any toy (or even places/books/stories) she latched onto was promptly removed in a way that made her regret letting something work its way into her heart. She learned quickly that staying distant gave her father less to hurt her with.

Childhood Trauma?:

When she was young, her father never hesitated to strike her. It would usually only be once and her mother tried to keep her safe. After her mother was gone, at age 13, it's the first time he really takes a switch to her back. Not too much - she's still a precious dwarven child and he needs her to be in top shape - but just enough. It's ten lashes, but not delivered with a ton of force. It’s punishment for trying to find her mother. And when she rebels, the same follows.

When she’s nearly killed on her first solo smuggling run, her father doesn’t hold back. He lets her heal to the point where she's not in danger of dying and carves six "strikes" between her shoulder blades, one for each of her attackers, and sends her out to finish the job while still wounded. And any time she tries to fight against what he wants her to do, he beats her. Resisting her first assassination assignment leaves her out of commission for a good week. Sometimes he uses the switch, sometimes it’s a knife carving her open, or even a whip, but he no longer holds back. And she’s never allowed access to proper healing. It takes about nine years before he doesn’t have to beat her (she's 25 at that point). And with each one, that hopeful part of her dies away.

Hobbies:

She loves to sneak into places she shouldn’t be and her father would disapprove of. Opera houses, balls, Orzammar (once). She will also trade protection to caravans if they will teach her songs and stories, which she uses to entertain herself when she’s alone. She’s also learned to whittle wood, and - though she is poor at it - frequently does it on the road so she always has a knife in hand. (Secretly, she likes using the blade for something non-violent.)

Childhood fear(s):

Her father. Losing her mother. 

Quirks:

She takes to blades easily and is able to be completely still. It unnerves a lot of people. In the early years, she’s caught between wonder for the world her mother tells her stories of and the duty and violence of the world her father forces her into. It makes her disposition a strange one.

[thebakerstboyskeeper]

Does Sidni ever have second thoughts about the judgements she makes?

The short answer is yes. In the beginning she goes with her gut. But her time with her friends and the Inquisition slowly teaches her that her gut has been trained to what her father wants and not what she actually wants or thinks. So she starts to question if her judgments are too harsh or not correct. It’s something she starts discussing with Cullen before they even start on the path to lovers because she values his insight.