#sick jonah simms

[kinkcommissions]

"Cleansed"- Superstore Sickfic

Written by: Pine

Here’s another Superstore fic, hope people enjoy these because I love writing them! The idea of this one is that Jonah is doing a juice cleanse to be trendy. And then nothing goes wrong and no one gets poorly… ;) Of course someone’s going to be poorly and I’m sure you can guess who!

Hope you enjoy! :)

---

Jonah came bounding up to Garret at the customer service desk. Garret saw him, recognising the look on his face from the time Garret had conceded that Jonah’s vegan brownie recipe was “alright”, and he had only said that to stop him from covering his kitchen in ethically sourced cooking goods more so than he already had. Garret took a deep breath and prepared himself.

“Hey man!” said Jonah, excitedly finding his place next to Garret

“Hey” said Garret

“So, you know this, um, juice cleanse I’ve been trying?”

“You’ve been doing a juice cleanse?”

Jonah took a step back, thrown off.

“Yeah, you know I’ve been doing one, I must have mentioned it, I said “no thanks” when Randy offered me some of the pizza you guys ordered the other night”

“You mean the pizza he offered you because you said, “You guys having pizza?” and then proceeded to linger by the door?”

“Exactly” said Jonah “I must have explained it then”

Garret paused and gave him a look and Jonah realised he was teasing him.

“Yeah dude, you’ve talked about it non-stop. What more insight could you possibly have since ten minutes ago?”

“Well” started Jonah, undeterred “I think I’m finally feeling it working! Sure I nearly passed out in the warehouse a few days ago and I did wake up last night crying a little bit and covered in sweat…”

“Oh that’s what that noise was?” said Garret “I thought we had mice again”

“..but now!” Jonah continued “I feel energised, happy and I really feel like my body is saying “Thank you Jonah for looking after me”. It goes to show if you put in the effort, your body will reward you. You should try it!”

“No thanks man, I’m good with my takis and pizza diet.”

“Hm” said Jonah as he turned to walk away “I guess some people just see their body like a temple”.

Garret smirked and watched him walk away, pleased to be free from his lecturing.

---

Jonah went about happily stocking the shelves and when he was done, he cleaned aisles 1-5. He’d never understood the whole “If there’s time to lean, there’s time to clean” but feeling this good? He was happy to shoulder some extra work for his poor co-workers who had yet to discover this way of life. He imagined what the future could hold if he felt like this all the time, he could finally start that podcast “Climate change changers” he’d wanted to start for so long, or maybe even write that book about business. He could go back to business school and-

“Oh” he let out as he staggered forward, his hearing gone, head fuzzy and arms feeling slow to respond to his desire to catch himself before he faceplanted. He managed to stagger into the shelf and caught himself, taking a moment to breathe deeply. His hearing started to return along with his balance and ability to stand. He looked around sheepishly though no one had seen.

“Maybe I need some more juice?” he queried aloud, and continued mopping. The next wave of vertigo hit him like a tsunami. Before he even realised what had happened, he was on his knees, a terrible nausea washing over him as his hearing went once more and a clammy sheen of sweat clung to his forehead. He closed his eyes to the unpleasantness, fixing his face into a grimace.

“Jonah?” called Garret “That’s not how you mop the floor buddy”

Jonah didn’t reply because he didn’t hear Garret speak, his hearing was still gone along with his balance and all he could hear was a rushing sound in his ears.

Garret had approached and laid a gentle hand on Jonah’s shoulder. Jonah flinched but in a sluggish way, startled by the contact but too dizzy to reacted quickly. He strained to look round and saw Garret and immediately tried to climb to his feet.

“Oh. Um. Hey. Garret, I saw a quarter and-“ this time Jonah went straight down onto his face. There was no hiding what was happening and even worse, some semi-conscious part of his brain knew Garret would guess why. He felt the cool store floor on his cheek and stifled a retch at the thought of all that had been on the floor he now laid on.

“Dude, ew, get off the floor” Garret reached down and helped Jonah to his feet, which he came to unsteadily, dependant fully on both Garret’s support and the rigid shelf. He held himself up for a moment.

“Garret I-“

“We’re going to the breakroom, we need to get some food in you”

Jonah didn’t protest and propped himself up on Garret’s shoulder as they moved to the breakroom together.

“It’s no wonder you’re passing out, you’ve drank only juice for how long now?”

“4 days”

Garret stifled a smirk. It had seemed much longer than that with the way Jonah had been going on about it. They made it off the shop floor and Jonah relaxed slightly, still using Garret for balance as they reached the breakroom. Garret indicated for Jonah to sit. Cheyenne looked up from her phone from a nearby table

“Hey Garret, hey Jonah, I didn’t think you were on break for a bit”

“We’re not but Jonah passed out”  said Garret. Jonah looked embarrassed as his eyeline dived for his feet and he shuffled uncomfortably

“Oh, bummer” said Cheyenne

“Yeah, he put his face on the floor in aisle 5”

“Ewww NARSTY!” Cheyenne exclaimed. “You know that dude totally barfed there like yesterday?”

Jonah retched and Garret laughed. Garret retrieved a pizza box from the fridge and came to the table that Jonah sat at, placing the box in front of him.

“What’s this?” asked Jonah

“It’s the pizza from last night. I was going to have it for lunch but I’ll grab something from the canteen. You need solid food”

“Garret I’m only-“

“Its non-negotiable dude. You’re eating the pizza.”

Jonah caught a hint of concern in Garret’s tone but then again he always caught hints of everything in Garret’s tone, he obsessively overanalysed him hoping to see a flicker of something that showed he cared and right now, his brain was too muddied to analyse so instead, he opened the box and bit into a slice of pizza. He quickly took another bite, then another. Then he finished the slice and picked up the next one, devouring slice after slice. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was until the pizza passed his lips. Now he could focus on nothing but filling himself and feeling satisfied for the first time in four days. He shovelled slice after slice into his mouth, chewing quickly and swallowing hard. He quickly finished the entire pizza, much more than he would ever eat by himself, and began eating the pizza crusts. All the while, Garret watched pleased and a little smug.

“Pizza beats juice, man”

Jonah didn’t reply, he continued to wolf down the pizza in its entirety and when there was nothing left in the box, he closed the lid and sat back in the chair contentedly, one hand resting idly on his belly, the other drooping down at his side. He almost immediately dropped into a nap.

Cheyenne got up and walked across the room, turning back to Garret once she reached the door. 

“You coming?”

“Nah, I’ll stay with Jonah, I don’t want anyone to draw a penis on his head or something.”

Cheyenne raised an eyebrow and Garret realised he spoke with too much sincerity and rushed to add

“Not before I do at least”

Cheyenne seemed happier with that response and headed out of the breakroom. Even before the door had closed, Garret saw Jonah sit up from the corner of his eye. Jonah reached out, grabbing Garret

“Hey dude, what-“

Jonah vomited extremely forcefully across the length of the breakroom. It was juice like, but with pieces of undigested pizza floating in the mix.

“Oh damn” Garret said “Probably should have started on something plainer than pizza”

Jonah continued in one violent stream of vomiting, straining in his seat and clutching Garret harder, seemingly unaware that he was gripping Garret like this. He let out a pitiful sob and meekly submitted to a final onslaught which covered what little areas remained untouched in the breakroom.

“Missed a bit” said Garret sarcastically, in awe at how thoroughly Jonah had covered the breakroom. Jonah began to climb unsteadily to his feet.

“Woah, woah, woah, sit down”

“I have to clean this up”

“No dude, we’re bailing”

Jonah didn’t protest as Garret led him swiftly from the building and into his car.

“Put one of your podcasts on if it’ll make you feel better”

Jonah weakly shook his head

“Damn dude” said Garret “You must feel bad”

---

They arrived home and Garret ensured Jonah made it to bed and went to phone Glenn. Jonah lay miserably in bed, though much happier to be home. A few minutes later, Garret arrived at the door again mixing bowl in hand and a plate of burned toast, a phone outstretched in the other.

“He wants to speak to you”

Jonah reluctantly took the phone

“Hey Glenn” he said, not having to fake the rough quality to his voice

“Oh Jonah, I’m sorry, I wish I was there to swaddle you like a mother hen would”

“Um…Ok, yeah, thanks Glenn”

“You know when I’m feeling a little under the weather, I always find that the only thing that helps me is a nice tall glass of juice!”

Jonah paled, then greened, then bulged at the cheeks as he fought to keep the vomit down. Garret thrust the mixing bowl he had collected at Jonah, who positioned it in his lap.

“Jonah? Jonah?” came down the phone

“I think I’m ok Garret” Jonah said

“Have you gone to get yourself some juice?” came Glenn’s voice again and Jonah emptied himself with one silent retch into the bowl.

Garret sighed and took the phone “Thanks Glenn, I’ll see you tomorrow”

“Bye Garret! And tell Jonah he should-“ Garret hung up the phone and carefully took the bowl from Jonah’s lap offering the toast up to him.

“Should be easier than pizza”

“Thanks man” said Jonah

“I’ll tell you what Jonah, the juice cleanse has well and truly cleansed your insides” he gestured to the vomit in the bowl.

“Yeah, not really the kind of “cleanse” I had in mind”. Jonah managed a smile and lay down again, pulling the duvet up and settling down to rest.

[feelingpoorly]

I actually don’t think I’ve ever been so called out on something in my LIFE

Nothing like getting hyperfixated on a new character and burning through every sickfic you can find of them on the internet

[noellawrites]

Baby Carriage - Yandere!Jonah Simms x reader (part 2)

part one linked here

summary: after being blackmailed into marriage with Jonah, you surprisingly enjoy being with him. but what happens when a baby is added to the mix?

warnings: mentions of forced marriage, birth control tampering, creepy!Jonah, sex, pregnancy

After the honeymoon, you moved in with Jonah immediately. It wasn't necessarily by choice, but you'd returned from the trip to find your apartment empty and everything you owned had already been moved into Jonah's apartment.

The longer you spent with your new husband, the more you fell in love with him. Part of you figured this had been his plan all along, but you really did get along well. Even working together hadn't hindered your marriage. Well, except for the fiery jealousy of Cloud 9's single women.

Speaking of work, Jonah doted on you all day and treated you like a queen. He made your lunches, gave you your vitamins and even tracked your cycle for you.

So, it wasn't a shock to Jonah when you were late only two months after you had gotten married. It was Jonah's plan all along: even though he acted like a feminist, he secretly wanted you all to himself.

Jonah was tired of Cloud 9 customers hitting on you and giving you their numbers. Didn't they know you were only being nice because it was your job? But not for long, because being a mother would be your only job from now on.

--

It had, by all means, been a very normal day at Cloud 9 so far. Marcus did something dumb, Amy was pissed, Glenn was trying to help, and everyone else was just getting through the day. But alarm bells were ringing in your mind.

Today was supposed to be the first day of your period. Of course, you had been late before, but you hadn't actually had a reason to be concerned. But you and Jonah had sex ALL the time, almost daily. And sure, Jonah gave you your birth control every morning, but it wasn't 100% effective.

"Cheyenne," you say under your breath as you approach the jewelry counter, "how did you know you were pregnant?"

She looks over at you, wide-eyed, "oh, uh, I think I just noticed I was getting fatter. Why? Do you think you might be--"

"Shh! Not so loud. I-I think I'm late, but I'm scared to take a test," you confess, biting your cheek.

"Ohmigod yay! Harmonica can be besties with your daughter!" Cheyenne says excitedly, clapping her hands as a big smile spreads across her face.

"I don't even know if I'm pregnant, let alone if it's a girl!" you say as Cheyenne exits the jewelry counter and whisks you away towards the family planning aisle.

--

It feels like an eternity, but it only takes three minutes for the two pink lines to show up on your SuperCloud-branded pregnancy test.

You and Cheyenne, both huddled in the handicap stall, staring down at the positive test. It was true, you and Jonah had created new life.

"Oh my god. Oh my god, Cheyenne, what do I do? Jonah and I have only known each other for four months, a-and we work at Cloud 9!" you sniffle, panic rising up in your throat.

"(y/n)? Are you in there?" Your eyes grew wide when you recognized the voice belonging to your husband. He was yelling from outside the bathroom.

"Y-yeah, I'm okay!" you yell in response.

"Was it positive?"

"Jonah... how'd you know I was taking a test?"

"I asked Tate. And you're late. Sorry, I didn't mean for that to rhyme," he laughed nervously.

You slowly exit the bathroom with the test in your hand, Cheyenne following closely behind.

You feel sick as you hand the test to your husband and watch his face light up with happiness.

"Babe, this is amazing! We're having a baby!" Jonah exclaimed, pulling you into a tight hug.

"I'll give you a moment alone," Cheyenne says awkwardly before shuffling away to find Mateo and probably fill him in on the pregnancy.

You tried to smile in an effort to hold your tears back. Even though you loved Jonah, he still forced you to marry him and take his last name, and he'd likely sabotaged your birth control in order to get you pregnant. You weren't ready for this to all happen so quickly.

Jonah pulled away, examining your face. "Everything okay, Mrs. Simms?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm just a little scared. It feels like everything is happening so quickly," you confess. Jonah strokes your arm comfortingly as you lean into his touch.

"Don't worry, babe. I've been planning this since we met. I'm going to take night classes and finish my degree so I can get a real job. And you can stay home with our little one," he explains, gently putting his hand on your stomach.

You loved Jonah, but you were terrified of what he was capable of.

[florallychaotic]

Legit, Amy Sosa and Jonah Simms from superstore are one of the best messy realistic relationships between adults I've ever seen and I get sick and giggle everytime I think about them

[aceofwhump]

Do you have a character that has never really been whumped in canon they you would love to see whumped?

OH GOD YES!! So many I can't keep up if I'm honest. Shall I share some of the ones that I'm desperate for good for? Like I can't even find fanfics for them let alone canon whump?

I'm currently most desperate for James Herriot whump. I've been rewatching the new All Creatures Great and Small show and god I need James whump!!! I NEED IT!! And there's nothing in canon and there's no fanfics for him! Everyone is focused on either shippy Mrs Hall/Mr. Farnon stuff or whumping Tris. There's NO James fics! I want to see him get hurt while seeing an animal and being taken care of by his new family. I want just arrived to Skeldale and is homesick James. I want sick fics. I want James whump!!

Sigh. Anwyays, here are some others I need more whump of:

Jonah Hauer King's Prince Eric

Ted Lasso. There's tons for Jamie but I want more Ted whump.

Jack Carter from Eureka

Steve Jinx from Warehouse 13

WIll Gorski from Sense8

Jonah Simms from Superstore

Jess Mariano from Gilmore Girls

Jack Robinson from Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries

George Crabtree and Llewellyn Watts from Murdoch Mysteries

Mon El from Supergirl

Lucas Bouchard from When Calls The Heart (I don't even watch this show anymore but I need him hurt okay?)

[kylejsugarman]

what’s up totally normal, straight, mentally well people in my phone, i wrote a story about jonah being sick and how it relates to amy’s guilt about leaving him. it’s warm domestic married amy and jonah fluff with a little drizzle of angst and comfort just to keep things spicy and like. what if i loved them both???

[amysosamybeloved]

sick fic one shot

the other superstore one shot i’ve posted is of jonah getting sick and amy looking after him

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30381813

[sophie-the-shipper]

Karma

Read on:

Archive Of Our Own Fanfiction.net

or:

Word Count: 1813 Summary: Jonah is sick. Parker is there too. Amy takes care of people. Karma is a funny thing. Disclaimer: I don't own Superstore or the characters.

Amy is walking around the store when she Dina walking towards her with a determined step, which made Amy stop and wait for Dina to catch up to her.

"Hey, do you think you can pay attention to your hubby over there before he makes everyone sick too, please?" She says and then continues to walk away, making Amy stand in the middle of the way not understand what just happens.

She starts to search for Jonah, finding him stocking cereals. Even from afar, he does look a little... different. His skin is paler, he looks tired, and he seems to barely be able to stand up. As she approaches him, she sees him close his eyes for a moment, but he then startles himself and continues to restock the shelves.

"Are you feeling okay?" Amy asks once she's near him.

"Yeah, why do you ask?" His voice is hoarse, he's clearly with a running nose, and he seems like he'll fall at any moment.

"Uhm, nothing. It's just you don't seem yourself today. What's going on?" She's trying to play it cool, make him understand for himself that he's sick and he should go home.

"Nothing. Just restocking this here." He continues to place the cereals in its place, and Amy just sighs. She puts a hand on his forehead, but only for a moment, because Jonah blocks her hand. But it was enough to know one thing.

"You're burning up."

"I need to work, we're understaffed. I can't go home." He continues to do his job, but with every passing moment, he seems to go more to the other side.

"Don't be ridiculous, Jonah. If you don't want to go home, fine, don't go home. But you're not working. Go to the break room and close your eyes for a minute. I'll be right there."

"You're overreacting. I'm fine!" He says, walking away.

When she gets there not even five minutes later, he's already asleep on the couch. She smiles, mostly because she was right, but also because he did look adorable when he was lying down. His usually neat hair was now flying in all directions, making her laugh softly at how weird it was at the beginning of their relationship to wake up and see him without his hair all neat like he usually had it.

Amy goes to the break room to check on him every five minutes – she had a timer and everything – to see if his temperature was going down. After half an hour goes by, she decides to just take him home. She wasn't getting any work done either way, why even bother to stay there? At least while they were home, he would be warm and cozy in their bed.

She wakes him up and takes him to the car, where he falls asleep. Amy had to wake him up again once they got home, and once they were in their bedroom, he changed into some pajamas to be more comfortable and slide into the bed.

"Thanks for taking care of me." He said and rolled over on the bed, pushing the covers to himself, seeking their warmth and comfort.

He slept for a few hours, and Amy continued to check his temperature that was going down. Adam left Parker at the house because he had to go to work, and the boy was playing in his bedroom quietly not to wake up Jonah.

One of the times Amy went to check up on Jonah, he was awake.

"How are you feeling?" She asked him, lying down next to him on the bed.

"Better. I guess I just needed to sleep a little bit."

"Great. Now, you0re going to eat some soup, drink lots of water and then maybe in a couple of days I'll allow you to go to work." She smiles at him because he seemed surprised when she told him he wouldn't go to work the next day.

"Momma?" A voice is heard, making both Jonah and Amy immediately look to where the sound came from. Five-year-old Parker if there, holding his comforter with one hand and a teddy bear in the other. "My head hurt."

Samy smile at her son and gets yup. Her hands reach for his forehead. "Yep, it's a little hot. You're going to bed."

"Can I stay with daddy?" Amy smiles once again and grabs her son, placing him next to her husband without even answering. After all, actions speak louder than words, right?

Later, she finds both snuggled up together, the TV on showing some cartoons but both of them asleep- Shutting the TV off, Amy can only be thankful it didn't work without anyone else.

(And also be thankful that Parker was able to Jonah of daddy. To him, Jonah was never "Mom's friend" like it was when Emma caught them home together – even though Emma already thought they were together after the whole broadcasted around the world sex tape of theirs.

Parker was proud of having one mom and two dads. Made him happy to have three people that were his parents – and he made two gifts for father'0s day because of that.

And she loved the fact that her son called Jonah of daddy, because of her husband's face light up when he called him that – even when he was sick.)

A few days later, they were both feeling better. But before that happened, there were a lot of sweet moments between the three of them.

(Could've been four, but as soon as Emma opened the door and was greeted by two coughs coming from her stepdad, a zombie mom that seemed to being sick herself and a "Uhm" from her little brother that was lying on the floor because it was cold,she ran off to buy medication and soup, and then left forever not wanting to get sick herself – with the excuse that was maybe true that she had a presentation in a few days.)

For example, there was now one bucket that was marked with a permanent pen with the words "barf bucket". It was shared by the two sick children Amy was taking care of, that decided to both start to get a stomach bug at the same time. It was good because that way they were both sitting down on the living room couch together, having to share the bucket because there wasn't other and Amy couldn't leave the house with them and especially without them.

They would crawl away to other places of the house. Parker would do it because he kept saying he wasn't truly sick – even though he was. Jonah would do it because his fever was getting higher, which made him delusional. For a moment, Jonah went outside without Amy noticing and turn the hose on, filled up a tiny poll in the backyard – that was meant for Parker – and pretended to be a lifeguard. It happened later too, but that time it was in the bathtub and he was saving Parker.

Once, coming back from the kitchen with two glasses of water when she heard an exchange of words between the two sick people in the living room couch.

"Please don't puke on me," Parker says, and then she hears the sound of someone grabbing the bucket. She continues to walk towards the living room, and a few moments later, Amy's already close enough to also see them.

"I make absolutely no promises." Her husband says, with the bucket on top of his legs and his arms around it.

In those days, it was normal to find Jonah and/or Parker sleeping in places that weren't their bed or the couch. She once found Parker asleep on a doorstep hugging the handrail; Jonah feels asleep with his head on a chair, his body on a table, and part of his legs dangling on the side of the table. She had no idea of how he even got in that position, and felt bad for waking him up, especially when he fell on the ground with a big thump, instantly complaining that his head hurt – and not (only) because of his fever.

And once those days of sickness were over, and the days went on to the routine they usually were, Jonah was being extra sweet to Amy, which made her suspicious – not in a "Is he cheating on me" kind of suspicion, more like "why is he being so nice to me?".

One day, she gathers the "courage" to ask him about it. They are both watching TV in the living room when she asks him. What he tells her makes her smile and her heart swell of happiness.

"You're too good for this world." He looks at her with a sweet smile that almost matches hers. "You took care of me and Parker, allowed the store to go almost a week without a manager because we were sick. I'm sure it was chaos there for those days, but you didn't care."

"Family's more important than work, Jonah."

"I know." He kisses her on the cheek and places his head on her shoulder. "Still. I guess I'm just trying to make it up to you for those days where I wasn't myself. I don't think I'm an easy patient."

"You're a very stubborn patient. And worse than that, I think Parker is learning that too. I blame you." She chuckles, whilst Jonah just shakes his head with a smile on his lips.

A few moments later, Emma opens the door and enters, finding them both snuggled up of the couch.

"Am I interrupting something?" She asks, placing her backpack on the floor.

"No," Amy answers and then pauses the TV. "We need to talk, though."

Emma starts to freak out, and it's noticeable that the wheels in her brain are spinning, thinking of what she might'0ve done. She comes up with nothing.

"What's wrong?"

"You saw your family sick and just left? That's not the way I raised you, young lady!" She sounds mad, but deep down she understands why her daughter did what she did. There was no use for her to get sick too.

Amy sees her daughter blushes for a moment, before bowing her head. "Sorry, mom. I don't like sick people."

"No one likes sick people," Jonah mentions, silently, but loud enough to be heard.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't stay in the house for a long-" Emma starts, but gets interrupted by herself. "Achoo!"

Jonah gets up in a hurry when Emma sneezes, running away from her. "Not getting sick again, Emma. Not again!"

Amy just rolls her eyes and gives her a tissue.

"Karma?" Emma says, in the form of a question. Amy just shrugs. Thye both hear Jonah and Parker's footsteps running and closing a door, which makes both women laugh. And then Emma sneezes again.

The End

[sibsteria]

Two Brunettes and A Boyle [pt4]

[Jake Peralta/fem!Reader/Jonah Simms mini series]

Things you need to know:

I have kept Amy and Adam together, for story purposes.

We get a little into Y/n’s backstory in this one. It’s also kind of short, I apologise.

Masterlist

4/?

I couldn’t help but avert my gaze to the charismatic clod seated by my side, over the next few hours my tentative touches left me overwhelmed. My cheeks flashed from red to dull as his words found a way to make me blush.

I haven’t felt this way since-

Since, Jonah.

But I couldn’t hold onto him any longer, I’d spent too long trying to wrangle him in, even Garrett could see how monumental my hints were to him. Since Kelly, I had realised I wouldn't be his type of girl, not bottle blonde or tiny, not a pageant princess. Tough luck but I’m solid as a rock, you can’t let things get you down, you can’t cry over boys you don’t even have.

But with Jake- I had a chance. A fresh start, a me that actually cares about herself. Not some chaotic party girl that used uppers as a coping mechanism. I’m not totally sober, I still drink, but on nights out that’s kind of complimentary.

I just got sick of being sick. Condo parties with a crowd of people I didn’t even recognise, tagging along with my ragtag group of walking injuries. I still care for those friends but I needed to take some time off.

I’m not sure how Jake would react if he knew. I don't know him that well, which is why this is good for me.

I’m so tired I don’t even bother changing out of my pyjama pants, old habits don’t die too hard, I guess. 

Jake holds out a brown bag, encasing a sandwich, probably the only meal he can make. This marks the first item of food I will have ever taken to work with me, he’s too sweet. Throwing on a bra and random graphic tee I’d swiped from a friend, I hail a goodbye to Jake and rev up my car- here’s to my return to my favourite superstore.

Seeing that bright blue sign makes me smile, there-in lies some of the nicest people on this earth. 

I don’t choose to use the staff entrance, gliding through the self-opening doors, Ken gives me a happy fist bump as I stroll past his uniformed self.

The next I see, is Garrett-

‘‘Hey, doll! Good to see you. Come see me and I’ll share my donuts.’‘ He gives me a friendly wink, I brush his shoulder as I walk by him, beelining for my girl.

She stands there, hunched over her counter, scrolling through her phone.

‘‘Damn, this place doesn’t smell so bad today.’‘ I shrug nonchalantly, her head snaps up at me.

‘‘Y/n!’‘ She screams, piercing my ears.

She jogs over to me, abandoning her perch.

A tight hug later, I’m wincing at my side.

‘‘Careful, Chey.’‘ Amy’s warning tone sounds from behind me.

‘‘She looks hot for someone who nearly died.’‘ She matter-of-factly states, motioning me to Amy.

‘‘You can’t say that!’‘ Amy whisper shouts, scared of offending me, I sure do hope she won’t treat me like glass.

‘‘What? She’s got that grungy-just-rolled-out-of-bed look.’‘

‘‘Nah, I’m chill, Ames, I’m not gonna shatter any time soon.’‘ I smile at her, she reciprocates.

‘‘Welcome back.’‘ She nods at me.

‘‘I’m gonna go clock in, need that money.’‘ I huff, traipsing towards the machine, good thing we’re getting an app for it next week.

I actively avoid Dina as I make my way to my locker, which is above Garrett’s.

‘‘Hey, you finally realised you need to eat during the day.’‘ Jonah’s sarcastic lull pulses around the room. A subconscious grin paints my lips.

‘‘Yes, J. I realise now that food is a necessity.’‘ I turn rolling my eyes at him, jokingly. ‘’Jake made it for me, my little helper.’’ I stuff my things into my locker, noticing the empty water bottles I had left a while back.

‘‘Yeah.’‘ He’s quiet, for once, maybe he’s ill.

‘‘Hey, any idea if Marcus is on shift?’‘ I move to take a seat with Jonah. Putting off work is my favourite pastime. 

‘‘Yeah, I think I saw him before, you know where to look.’‘ He looks tired, just about ready to clock out.

‘‘Thanks, dude, I’ll talk to you later.’‘ I ruffle his hair before going off to find my soul sister.

‘‘You got it, babe.’‘ He freezes.

I choke on air, speeding out of the room. What the hell was that?

I’d expect it from Garrett, but-but not Jonah.

Dude.

This does not help.

NEWS ABOUT THIS FIC

[b0bbynash]

im so sick of male characters who would be girldads having sons!!! jonah simms?? GIRLDAD!!! ted lasso? GIRLDAD!!!!! enough sons as offspring bring back baby girls!!!!! IM SO TIRED!!!!!!!

[kinkcommissions]

"A Man's Man"- Superstore Sickfic

Written by: Pine

This fic is based on the short arc where Jonah drinks the ranch dressing to impress the warehouse guys. ‘nough said ;)

There is a very slight reference to my previous Superstore fic “Spillage”. It’s unimportant to the plot of the fic, but if you enjoy this kinda thing, check out “Spillage” first because this one technically follows that one (though the reference is only small)

Hope you enjoy :)

---

Jonah swaggered toward the breakroom. He practically bounced with excitement. Not only did he get the warehouse guys to join the union without having to partake in endless questionable activities with Marcus, but he did it by connecting to them as men. Jonah had always been insecure about how manly he was. He knew he wasn’t the kind of guy to lift weights and pull girls; he was more the kind of guy to make a cup of coco and tune in to a new podcast, arguing out loud with the speakers with no one else to hear. He had never been “a man’s man”, until today. To chug a gallon of ranch dressing perhaps wasn’t the most intellectual solution to the problem, but it had worked. He was only grateful that he had skipped lunch today, though with nothing else in him, that ranch was sitting heavy…

Even acid reflux couldn’t get him down. A gallon of dressing was definitely not brilliant for his rather sensitive stomach, given that it was mostly used to all organic, locally sourced foods. Though that didn’t matter, he could just swig some pepto when his shift was over and he got home. And though he was stuck on shift for another hour or two with an increasing pain in his middle, he was still high off his success with the guys.

“You look more peppy than usual” came Garret’s voice. Jonah turned to see him also heading to the breakroom. “Let me guess, you served Greta Thunberg at the checkout?”

“No, cool stuff like that never seems to happen to me” Jonah replied. Garret smirked, further amused that Jonah had missed that he was making fun of him.

“No, I chugged a gallon of ranch to impress the warehouse guys into joining the union!” Jonah didn’t wait to see Garret’s reaction before continuing, meaning he missed a flash of concern across his friend’s face.

“Maybe I should chug things more often” Jonah said, half talking to himself, walking through the employee door towards the breakroom. He raised his voice again bringing Garret back into the conversation.

“That’s what us guys do isn’t it? Chug drinks?” Jonah paused for a moment, trying to think of a more macho term for drinks.

“Booze? Hooch? Liquid Courage?” at the last, Jonah nodded, satisfied and Garret stifled a laugh, imagining Jonah calling ‘beer’ ‘liquid courage’ in front of the warehouse guys.

“Can you even chug a gallon of ranch?” Garret asked as they walked together down the hallway.

“Apparently so” Jonah replied, placing a hand for a moment on his stomach, reminded of the heavy feeling settling there.

“I mean, without hurling it all back up again later”

“I don’t think that’ll be an issue” Jonah said “I like to drink probiotics so my digestion…” he patted his stomach twice “It’s got to be fairly well boosted by now”

“Ok buddy, don’t come crying to me when you’re chucking up a gallon of ranch in the employee toilet”.

“Won’t need to man, guys chug all sorts all the time right? And ranch is meant to be eaten anyway!”

They made it to the breakroom and took a well-deserved rest, Garret grateful to take a break from serving customers; Jonah grateful to be off his feet and give his stomach a chance to start working on that ranch. A sore stomach for one evening seemed like a small price to pay for respect and admiration from the guys.

---

“Oh god”

It was too late for pepto. Jonah gripped his stomach firmly as he hastily made his way from aisle six, where he was stocking the shelves, and towards the employee toilet. Turns out Garret had been right, and its not like he could ask him for help now after what he had said, but more because he had already helped him a while ago when Jonah had eaten that bad yoghurt and subsequently thrown it back up when confronted with a particularly bad spillage. Garret had been so kind to him then and Jonah didn’t want Garret to think of him as this shrinking violet that vomited every time something disgusting happened. Plus, he wanted Garret to believe him about his probiotics and the benefit they had on his digestion. He’d come so far trying to teach Garret about organic, probiotic food and this would make him lose all his earned credibility on that topic. A quick trip to the men’s room was all he needed this time, and he was more than happy to do it by himself.

“Jonah?”

“Dina!” Jonah was flustered, he quickly removed his hand from his stomach and tried to wipe away the sheen of sweat across his brow.

“You’re already finished in aisle 6? That was quick. Ok, I need you to run a message to Amy, she’s in her office. A shipment came in today, apparently we’re short one item. Those bastards think they can short us one item per shipment like I’m not going to notice? Do you even know how many gallons of ranch they would owe us by the end of the year?”

“Oh god” said Jonah, though they weren’t really words, more spoken through an involuntary and powerful retch that keeled him at the waist. He put a hand instinctively to his mouth.

“Woah, you okay Jonah? You’ve gone a little green there. It’s very noticeable on account of your pale complexion. Was it something I said? Don’t like me talking about ranch shipments?”

Bleruuugh. The retch was short and strong, his body so full of ranch, it didn’t need to come far to escape. The hurling was vicious, a wet noise followed his gagging which was muted by a mouthful of partially digested, warm and stomach-tinged ranch dressing. The vomit was almost pure ranch. It looked white. It smelt tangy. Jonah tasted nothing but ranch and this only served to quicken the process.

Dina took a couple of quick steps back, managing to avoid most of the fluid, getting herself hastily out of the firing line.

“Damn Jonah, youstole the ranch from the shipment?”

Jonah took his opportunity to speak while he had the chance, though his voice was thick.

“No! Well yes, I guess technically? But only to chug it so that the warehouse guys would join the union! I-“ he cut himself off as speaking for so long was bringing on another wave of nausea.

“Ah, a classic dick-swinging contest huh?” Dina nodded understanding “I’ve been where you’ve been, I’ve chugged enough ranch to open a sandwich shop of my own”

Jonah paused for a moment, distracted from his sickness

“What would you sell, ranch sandwiches?” though at the thought of his own comment, Jonah promptly spewed liquid onto the floor again.

“Okay buddy” Dina said, placing a hand on his back to lead him away. She pulled out her walkie talkie.

“Glenn, can you send Sandra over to aisle six, tell her to bring a mop”

“Can do Dina!” came Glenn’s nasally voice from the other side of the walkie talkie.

“How does that man not get laughed out of every room he walks in?” Dina questioned out loud as she strode purposefully, leading Jonah to the employee toilet. She managed to get him there without further mess made out on the floor. Dina threw the door open, and seeing one of the stall doors closed, she started hammering on it with her fist.

“Clear the room now!” she called, her voice booming through the toilet.

Marcus replied from inside “Dina I’ve just started and if I stop now I’ll have to start all over again in another bathroom”

“Save it Marcus. Out. Now.”

Marcus fled from the stall, naked, and bundling his clothes in his arms,

“Jesus Marcus why are you naked?”

“Oh so you guys would rather try and get pee stains out of your clothes?”

“Just don’t pee on yourself?!”

“Yeah” Marcus scoffed “If it were that easy! Good one Dina” and then he left.

“He is a strange guy” Jonah said but started retching again.

“In!” Dina demanded pointing  into the stall and kicking it open.

“Was that really- oh-“ Jonah cut himself off again and made his way to the toilet kneeling down and centring himself just in time for yet another torrent, hailed down into the toilet bowl. The discontented cries of Jonah’s struggle to evacuate the ranch were echoed back into the room. Amidst the sounds of vomit pooling in the toilet came the desperate groans and agonised moans that could only be coming from someone ridding themselves of a gallon of ranch.

Dina reached out but hesitated before touching him. Hearing his struggle, her decision was made. She laid her hand across his back and made comforting circular motions. He instinctively leaned slightly back into her hand, almost forgetting she was there; he only focused on the feeling of comfort. Some distant part of him was embarrassed at her presence, but a very real and immediate threat of another exodus brought any straggling thoughts back to his here and now as he fully emptied himself into the toilet; his hands grasped desperately at the seat. Jonah’s posture was small, his knees together, head bowed and back slightly arched as he retched. Dina stood behind him in contact with his back. She had begun making staccato hushing sounds and realised it was the same noise she used to quiet her birds, but it seemed to helping Jonah so she didn’t stop.

After his vomiting had stopped, Jonah let out a more than exasperated breath and sat back onto his knees. He wiped his brow once more and Dina was already offering toilet paper, which he took gratefully, and used to clear his nose and clean his mouth. He stood.

“You missed a bit” she said softly and with the toilet paper she still held, she dabbed the corner of his mouth. Jonah was very flustered.

“Thank you. And, erm- thank you for- you know”

“Hey” she stopped him “I’ve been there. It’s okay.”

She turned to leave and stopped, turning back to face him.

“I’m gonna have to take the cost of the ranch out of your pay. It’s nothing personal but you did consume stock while on shift.”

Jonah smiled, glad to return to their usual dynamic and quickly leave the vulnerability behind.

“I won’t write you up though, I think you’ve probably suffered enough”.

[weedhorse69]

Match for Partner#1Match for Partner#2From universe

Satine (64.183%)Christian (76.357%)Moulin Rouge!

Chandler Bing (63.700%)Monica Geller (75.457%)Friends

Elliot Reid (68.766%)John Michael Dorian (70.341%)Scrubs

Mia Dolan (71.171%)Sebastian Wilder (67.426%)La La Land

Nino Quincampoix (72.580%)Amélie Poulain (65.526%)Amélie

Emily Gardner (69.479%)Kumail Nanjiani (67.926%)The Big Sick

Amy Sosa (68.973%)Jonah Simms (67.102%)Superstore

Bella Swan (65.321%)Edward Cullen (70.540%)Twilight

Sam Button (72.200%)Charlie Kelmeckis (62.138%)The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Narrator (75.204%)Marla Singer (58.882%)Fight Club

Calvin Weir-Fields (72.295%)Ruby Tiffany Sparks (61.542%)Ruby Sparks

Drew Baylor (72.457%)Claire Colburn (61.278%)Elizabethtown

Connell (63.749%)Marianne (69.314%)Normal People

Prince Hamlet (62.704%)Ophelia (69.075%)Hamlet

Nick Miller (70.981%)Jess Day (60.196%)New Girl

Tiffany Maxwell (63.448%)Pat Solitano (67.561%)Silver Linings Playbook

Annie Hall (72.474%)Alvy Singer (58.464%)Annie Hall

Daisy Buchanan (71.003%)Jay Gatsby (59.701%)The Great Gatsby

Joel Barish (69.830%)Clementine Kruczynski (60.338%)Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Debora (73.736%)Baby (56.124%)Baby Driver

Hughie Campbell (66.380%)Annie January (63.427%)The Boys

Simon Tam (64.330%)Kaylee Frye (65.429%)Firefly + Serenity

Jack Maine (56.280%)Ally Maine (73.296%)A Star Is Born

Jesse Pinkman (67.339%)Jane Margolis (61.983%)Breaking Bad

Hazel Grace Lancaster (61.532%)Augustus 'Gus' Waters (66.909%)The Fault in Our Stars

Rita (71.379%)Betty Elms (56.564%)Mulholland Drive

Marianne (60.047%)Heloise (67.601%)Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Summer Finn (75.252%)Tom Hansen (52.344%)(500) Days of Summer

Abbi Abrams (72.208%)Lincoln Rice (54.842%)Broad City

Sam Baldwin (59.007%)Annie Reed (67.879%)Sleepless in Seattle

Monica Gaztambide (67.874%)Denver (58.495%)Money Heist

Tokio (57.940%)Rio (68.423%)Money Heist

Bianca Stratford (72.295%)Cameron James (53.641%)10 Things I Hate About You

Philip J. Fry (60.567%)Turanga Leela (65.197%)Futurama

Josh Lyman (61.539%)Donna Moss (64.127%)The West Wing

Sara Tancredi (61.004%)Michael Scofield (64.638%)Prison Break

Ann Perkins (62.662%)Chris Traeger (62.793%)Parks and Recreation

Romeo Montague (57.727%)Juliet Capulet (67.510%)Romeo and Juliet

Evan (71.647%)Becca (53.496%)Superbad

Anastasia Steele (66.061%)Christian Grey (59.021%)Fifty Shades of Grey

Eric Forman (70.276%)Donna Pinciotti (54.143%)That 70's Show

Dean Forester (66.355%)Rory Gilmore (57.887%)Gilmore Girls

Alexander Hamilton (58.124%)Eliza Hamilton (66.095%)Hamilton

Holly Golightly (61.276%)Paul Varjak (62.561%)Breakfast at Tiffany's

Ben Wyatt (59.623%)Leslie Knope (64.150%)Parks and Recreation

Céline (65.698%)Jesse (57.979%)Before Sunrise

Jennifer Parker (67.222%)Marty McFly (56.377%)Back to the Future

Johnny Castle (67.037%)Frances 'Baby' Houseman (56.264%)Dirty Dancing

Dom Cobb (64.355%)Mal Cobb (58.902%)Inception

Jenny Curran (56.425%)Forrest Gump (66.441%)Forrest Gump

Howard Wolowitz (67.300%)Bernadette Rostenkowski (55.558%)The Big Bang Theory

Wichita (66.286%)Columbus (56.321%)Zombieland

Harry Burns (68.931%)Sally Albright (53.549%)When Harry Met Sally...

Chip Dove (63.919%)Anita 'Needy' Lesnicki (58.326%)Jennifer's Body

Jin-Soo Kwon (61.573%)Sun-Hwa Kwon (60.638%)LOST

Elisa Esposito (61.268%)The Amphibian Man (60.933%)The Shape of Water

Aladdin (57.750%)Jasmine (64.341%)Aladdin

Benjamin Button (55.845%)Daisy Fuller (66.000%)The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Becca Butcher (54.440%)Billy Butcher (67.378%)The Boys

Will Hunting (60.981%)Skylar (60.544%)Good Will Hunting

Angel (60.979%)Buffy Summers (60.510%)Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Penny (67.686%)Leonard Hofstadter (53.735%)The Big Bang Theory

Jo March (55.433%)Theodore Laurence (65.882%)Little Women

Ilsa Lund (55.982%)Rick Blaine (65.248%)Casablanca

Mike Ross (59.331%)Rachel Zane (61.757%)Suits

Marshall Eriksen (56.379%)Lily Aldrin (64.586%)How I Met Your Mother

Daisy Mason (56.693%)William Mason (64.177%)Downton Abbey

Sailor Moon (60.472%)Tuxedo Mask (59.999%)Sailor Moon

Edward Fairfax Rochester (60.009%)Jane Eyre (60.260%)Jane Eyre

Ennis Del Mar (57.371%)Jack Twist (62.592%)Brokeback Mountain

Eleanor Shellstrop (54.978%)Chidi Anagonye (64.803%)The Good Place

Lindsay Bluth Funke (51.798%)Tobias Funke (67.953%)Arrested Development

Colonel Brandon (65.991%)Marianne Dashwood (53.190%)Sense and Sensibility

Elizabeth Swann (64.042%)Will Turner (55.021%)Pirates of the Caribbean

Charles Bingley (54.771%)Jane Bennet (64.183%)Pride and Prejudice

Elinor Dashwood (54.951%)Edward Ferrars (63.998%)Sense and Sensibility

Claire Dunphy (56.520%)Phil Dunphy (61.978%)Modern Family

Cece Parekh (63.696%)Schmidt (54.750%)New Girl

Tess Ocean (59.761%)Danny Ocean (58.684%)Ocean's 11

Beast (58.877%)Belle (59.347%)Beauty and the Beast

Piper Chapman (70.597%)Alex Vause (47.387%)Orange is the New Black

Sutter Keely (53.197%)Aimee Finecky (64.717%)The Spectacular Now

Trinity (62.007%)Neo (55.737%)The Matrix

Rya

[ginger-grimm]

@ocmultiverse challenge with Courtney Miller!

(only Kippi and Marlow already exist in stories)

Arabelle Whitman:

Arabelle “Ara” Whitman is a twenty-four year old middle school teacher and she is already sick and tired of her life. Her students are tiring, the pay is lousy, her apartment is the size of the shoebox and her last three significant others were a bore. But when she first walks into SafeSpace, Seattle and meets a mysterious girl named Maggie and her two sisters her life gets a lot more exciting. But when her mother first meets the girls she drags her daughter away and springs a life altering truth on her that could endager her entire existence.

Autumn Jareau:

Autumn Jareau was born when her sister JJ was in her mid-twenties, long after her older sister Roslyn comitted suicide. Her childhood wasn’t exactly dreamy. Her mother Sandy didn’t pay much attention to her, still mourning the loss of her oldest, and JJ was away at the Academy and then the FBI. Autumn quickly learned to be resilient and quite snarky. Now at twenty-two, Autumn is down on her luck and desperately looking for job. Well, Emily Prentiss comes to the rescue and offers Autumn a job as her personal assistant. Everything goes great at first. She has a rather jokey friendship with Spencer Reid and Luke Alvez and Penelope Garcia would kill for her. But when the BAU works the case of a notorious serial abducter, rapist and murderer Autumn gets involved too much and suddenly she and the UnSub have disappeared. Weeks go by and things look bleak for the youngest Jareau but one thing is for sure - JJ won’t loose another sister, even if she has to put her job at risk in order to find her.

Delilah Linetti:

Delilah Linetti starts working for the NYPD as Captain Raymond Holts newest assistant when her sister Gina leaves to focus on her daughter and start her own business. She is instantly liked by the precincts worforce - mainly because she is a lot softer than her sister. Though not without her own quirks, she manages to go through the everyday life of working with a squad made up of chaotic detectives. When she meets Amy Santiago’s youngest brother Hector, things quickly turn even MORE chaotic.

Gabby Simms:

Gabby Simms grew up dreading to hear one more of her brother Jonah’s “funny anecdotes” or another “fun fact” about the next “woke” thing he’s heard so when he finally left for college it was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. Now, in her mid-twenties and with a job that pays fairly well, she is forced to take Jonah in after a tornado destroyed his home. Gabby dreads having to take her brother in and hear more of his annoying quirks but, as it turns out, having been kicked off his high horse after his gambling addiction cost him his college education and working in the local Superstore “Cloud 9″ with a bunch of crazy co-workers has made him a whole lot more interesting. Gabby begins to see that there is a lot more to her older brother and finally allows herself to let him in.

Kippi Goode in Dorothy Gale and Disturbia:

Kippi Goode grew up with her grandmother Cleo after her mother killed her father, older brother and nanny and was put in prison for the rest of her life and then some. When her old best friend Dot Cahill moves back to Riverdale a year after she did she is pulled into a whole new friend group - and insane and deadly adventures. Her life is turned upside-down once more when her gran dies and she finds out her older sister Edith has been living a town other for years without her knowing. 

Marlow Stilinski in Eternal, Forget Me Not and Legend Has It:

Marlow Stilinski was accidentally turned into a Werecoyote by Malia Tate at the age of eight when she, her brother Stiles and his best friend Scott were out looking for a dead body Stiles had heard his father, Sheriff Stilinski, talk about. She kept it hidden for years until Kate Argent sends Berserkers after the pack and she has to reveal her secret to her friends. She meets Liam Dunbar after Scott accidentally turns Liam into Werewolf and she has to help clean up the mess. Marlow and Liam begin to have feelings for each other as Liam tries maneuvering through his new Werewolf life and Marlow tries keeping her secret hidden from her best friend Mason Hewitt. When Scott’s old friend Theo Raeken comes into town and turns the pack upside down Marlow brings in her old best friend Riley Stevens to try and bring back things to the way they were. 

[kayrowsyrup]

@simms-jonah what about us LGBT Christians? There are actually a lot of us out there.

And no offense but western Christians for the most part don’t care how we(lgbt people) are living our lives.

You know who I fear the most? I fear Muslims from the Middle East. Cause they come from countries where it’s normal and even approved to kill lgbt people.

Where gays are thrown off buildings. Have their hands chopped off. All because of who they love.

Yeah. Some Christians here in America are really intolerable bigots who think that they are better than anyone else. But the rest? They literally don’t care if we are gay or lesbian or straight, or bi or trans. Yeah they think it’s a sin. But that’s as far as it goes.

God Bless Chris Pratt because he is a good person and I’m sick of shitty people like you attacking him for his faith.

Ellen Page is coming for Chris Pratt’s entire life lmao, you go sis

[esthetismes]

i just watched Logan two days ago n i cried but its such a good movie i love laura

I honestly wasn’t interested in seeing it because I love Hugh but I’m kinda sick of Wolverine but I’ve heard so many good things so I might have to see it!!!

URL: I don’t get it, sorry :( | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | AMY DUBANOWSKI

Icon: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | JONAH SIMMS

Theme: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | POE DAMERON

Mobile Theme: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | CASSIAN ANDOR

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Overall: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | BUCKY BARNES

Following: Not yet, I’m sorry (ily though) | How was I not following you before? | Duh | til the end of the line

Comments / Compliments: I love your blog!!! why wasn’t i following you before?? I would recommend making your blog mobile though, cause on my phone it goes to the desktop page and it’s hard to navigate!

want one?

[feelingpoorly]

WHY were there so many tiny hints in the show to things like this that would have been GLORIOUS had we actually seen them. Thank god for fanfic to fill in those gaps ;)

"A Man's Man"- Superstore Sickfic

Written by: Pine

This fic is based on the short arc where Jonah drinks the ranch dressing to impress the warehouse guys. ‘nough said ;)

There is a very slight reference to my previous Superstore fic “Spillage”. It’s unimportant to the plot of the fic, but if you enjoy this kinda thing, check out “Spillage” first because this one technically follows that one (though the reference is only small)

Hope you enjoy :)

---

Jonah swaggered toward the breakroom. He practically bounced with excitement. Not only did he get the warehouse guys to join the union without having to partake in endless questionable activities with Marcus, but he did it by connecting to them as men. Jonah had always been insecure about how manly he was. He knew he wasn’t the kind of guy to lift weights and pull girls; he was more the kind of guy to make a cup of coco and tune in to a new podcast, arguing out loud with the speakers with no one else to hear. He had never been “a man’s man”, until today. To chug a gallon of ranch dressing perhaps wasn’t the most intellectual solution to the problem, but it had worked. He was only grateful that he had skipped lunch today, though with nothing else in him, that ranch was sitting heavy…

Even acid reflux couldn’t get him down. A gallon of dressing was definitely not brilliant for his rather sensitive stomach, given that it was mostly used to all organic, locally sourced foods. Though that didn’t matter, he could just swig some pepto when his shift was over and he got home. And though he was stuck on shift for another hour or two with an increasing pain in his middle, he was still high off his success with the guys.

“You look more peppy than usual” came Garret’s voice. Jonah turned to see him also heading to the breakroom. “Let me guess, you served Greta Thunberg at the checkout?”

“No, cool stuff like that never seems to happen to me” Jonah replied. Garret smirked, further amused that Jonah had missed that he was making fun of him.

“No, I chugged a gallon of ranch to impress the warehouse guys into joining the union!” Jonah didn’t wait to see Garret’s reaction before continuing, meaning he missed a flash of concern across his friend’s face.

“Maybe I should chug things more often” Jonah said, half talking to himself, walking through the employee door towards the breakroom. He raised his voice again bringing Garret back into the conversation.

“That’s what us guys do isn’t it? Chug drinks?” Jonah paused for a moment, trying to think of a more macho term for drinks.

“Booze? Hooch? Liquid Courage?” at the last, Jonah nodded, satisfied and Garret stifled a laugh, imagining Jonah calling ‘beer’ ‘liquid courage’ in front of the warehouse guys.

“Can you even chug a gallon of ranch?” Garret asked as they walked together down the hallway.

“Apparently so” Jonah replied, placing a hand for a moment on his stomach, reminded of the heavy feeling settling there.

“I mean, without hurling it all back up again later”

“I don’t think that’ll be an issue” Jonah said “I like to drink probiotics so my digestion…” he patted his stomach twice “It’s got to be fairly well boosted by now”

“Ok buddy, don’t come crying to me when you’re chucking up a gallon of ranch in the employee toilet”.

“Won’t need to man, guys chug all sorts all the time right? And ranch is meant to be eaten anyway!”

They made it to the breakroom and took a well-deserved rest, Garret grateful to take a break from serving customers; Jonah grateful to be off his feet and give his stomach a chance to start working on that ranch. A sore stomach for one evening seemed like a small price to pay for respect and admiration from the guys.

---

“Oh god”

It was too late for pepto. Jonah gripped his stomach firmly as he hastily made his way from aisle six, where he was stocking the shelves, and towards the employee toilet. Turns out Garret had been right, and its not like he could ask him for help now after what he had said, but more because he had already helped him a while ago when Jonah had eaten that bad yoghurt and subsequently thrown it back up when confronted with a particularly bad spillage. Garret had been so kind to him then and Jonah didn’t want Garret to think of him as this shrinking violet that vomited every time something disgusting happened. Plus, he wanted Garret to believe him about his probiotics and the benefit they had on his digestion. He’d come so far trying to teach Garret about organic, probiotic food and this would make him lose all his earned credibility on that topic. A quick trip to the men’s room was all he needed this time, and he was more than happy to do it by himself.

“Jonah?”

“Dina!” Jonah was flustered, he quickly removed his hand from his stomach and tried to wipe away the sheen of sweat across his brow.

“You’re already finished in aisle 6? That was quick. Ok, I need you to run a message to Amy, she’s in her office. A shipment came in today, apparently we’re short one item. Those bastards think they can short us one item per shipment like I’m not going to notice? Do you even know how many gallons of ranch they would owe us by the end of the year?”

“Oh god” said Jonah, though they weren’t really words, more spoken through an involuntary and powerful retch that keeled him at the waist. He put a hand instinctively to his mouth.

“Woah, you okay Jonah? You’ve gone a little green there. It’s very noticeable on account of your pale complexion. Was it something I said? Don’t like me talking about ranch shipments?”

Bleruuugh. The retch was short and strong, his body so full of ranch, it didn’t need to come far to escape. The hurling was vicious, a wet noise followed his gagging which was muted by a mouthful of partially digested, warm and stomach-tinged ranch dressing. The vomit was almost pure ranch. It looked white. It smelt tangy. Jonah tasted nothing but ranch and this only served to quicken the process.

Dina took a couple of quick steps back, managing to avoid most of the fluid, getting herself hastily out of the firing line.

“Damn Jonah, youstole the ranch from the shipment?”

Jonah took his opportunity to speak while he had the chance, though his voice was thick.

“No! Well yes, I guess technically? But only to chug it so that the warehouse guys would join the union! I-“ he cut himself off as speaking for so long was bringing on another wave of nausea.

“Ah, a classic dick-swinging contest huh?” Dina nodded understanding “I’ve been where you’ve been, I’ve chugged enough ranch to open a sandwich shop of my own”

Jonah paused for a moment, distracted from his sickness

“What would you sell, ranch sandwiches?” though at the thought of his own comment, Jonah promptly spewed liquid onto the floor again.

“Okay buddy” Dina said, placing a hand on his back to lead him away. She pulled out her walkie talkie.

“Glenn, can you send Sandra over to aisle six, tell her to bring a mop”

“Can do Dina!” came Glenn’s nasally voice from the other side of the walkie talkie.

“How does that man not get laughed out of every room he walks in?” Dina questioned out loud as she strode purposefully, leading Jonah to the employee toilet. She managed to get him there without further mess made out on the floor. Dina threw the door open, and seeing one of the stall doors closed, she started hammering on it with her fist.

“Clear the room now!” she called, her voice booming through the toilet.

Marcus replied from inside “Dina I’ve just started and if I stop now I’ll have to start all over again in another bathroom”

“Save it Marcus. Out. Now.”

Marcus fled from the stall, naked, and bundling his clothes in his arms,

“Jesus Marcus why are you naked?”

“Oh so you guys would rather try and get pee stains out of your clothes?”

“Just don’t pee on yourself?!”

“Yeah” Marcus scoffed “If it were that easy! Good one Dina” and then he left.

“He is a strange guy” Jonah said but started retching again.

“In!” Dina demanded pointing  into the stall and kicking it open.

“Was that really- oh-“ Jonah cut himself off again and made his way to the toilet kneeling down and centring himself just in time for yet another torrent, hailed down into the toilet bowl. The discontented cries of Jonah’s struggle to evacuate the ranch were echoed back into the room. Amidst the sounds of vomit pooling in the toilet came the desperate groans and agonised moans that could only be coming from someone ridding themselves of a gallon of ranch.

Dina reached out but hesitated before touching him. Hearing his struggle, her decision was made. She laid her hand across his back and made comforting circular motions. He instinctively leaned slightly back into her hand, almost forgetting she was there; he only focused on the feeling of comfort. Some distant part of him was embarrassed at her presence, but a very real and immediate threat of another exodus brought any straggling thoughts back to his here and now as he fully emptied himself into the toilet; his hands grasped desperately at the seat. Jonah’s posture was small, his knees together, head bowed and back slightly arched as he retched. Dina stood behind him in contact with his back. She had begun making staccato hushing sounds and realised it was the same noise she used to quiet her birds, but it seemed to helping Jonah so she didn’t stop.

After his vomiting had stopped, Jonah let out a more than exasperated breath and sat back onto his knees. He wiped his brow once more and Dina was already offering toilet paper, which he took gratefully, and used to clear his nose and clean his mouth. He stood.

“You missed a bit” she said softly and with the toilet paper she still held, she dabbed the corner of his mouth. Jonah was very flustered.

“Thank you. And, erm- thank you for- you know”

“Hey” she stopped him “I’ve been there. It’s okay.”

She turned to leave and stopped, turning back to face him.

“I’m gonna have to take the cost of the ranch out of your pay. It’s nothing personal but you did consume stock while on shift.”

Jonah smiled, glad to return to their usual dynamic and quickly leave the vulnerability behind.

“I won’t write you up though, I think you’ve probably suffered enough”.