#shut up gi lag

[leila1]

OS: Laal

Nothing remained the same after that momentous Diwali night. What was just another festival for many was a turning point in the lives of two individuals unbeknown to their respective families. 

If it wasn't for their skillful charade it wouldn't take a sharp wit to figure out masked emotions. 

Arnav and Khushi were masters in concealing their feelings and when it came to dealing with each other it wasn’t free of competition. 

Another thing they shared in common was the love for their families and willingness to sacrifice in a heartbeat. Khushi could no longer delay her engagement, the last straw being pulled and Arnav couldnt deprive his family of the happiness his marriage brought, after being disappointed by one person that held all his hopes. 

The spirit of Diwali had worn off and everyone had moved on to the next event, understandably more exciting, the wedding of Nani’s beloved grandson. A day they had thought would never come. 

However, that night of red and gold was still fresh in the minds of Arnav and Khushi. 

As Khushi walked in Arnav’s room, their eyes had silently conveyed occurrences of the night in question. It was a strange place to be in, neither would dare to speak of it again, nor it was something to forget. After all she had worn his favorite colour.

Khushi with great discomfort, asked him again, for the ring. Something she hadn't fully accepted as hers. Arnav narrowed his eyes, from soft to teasing within seconds. 

“Mafi mango” 

He said picking the ring from the table. 

“So-” 

“Nah..kaan pakad ke” 

He felt victorious knowing he was winning this game. 

She held her ear with her hand and spoke again. 

“Sorry” 

Her eyes started to pool, tears threatening to spill any second. 

“Sorry” 

She said again, this time looking down. Every bit of pride that she had earlier displayed shredded to pieces. She really  didn’t want to do this. The ring could be trashed for all she cared. 

“Sorry” she spoke again with a lump in her throat. 

The glint of victory in Arnav’s eyes was now replaced with guilt. 

He stood up before she held her other ear too. 

“Sorry” 

She spoke unmoved. 

“Sssh” 

He silenced her, not being able to take the sight of her crying. Without another word Arnav silently placed the ring on her palm. 

Not being able to take his proximity Khushi stepped back and furiously tried to slip the ring on her finger. The tears in her eyes continued to spill as Arnav watched her every movement closely. 

Arnav grabbed her hand and tried to help her with the ring when she startled him by snatching it away. 

“Aap humein yeh angoothi nahi pehna sakte”   

She looked at him with a heavy heart. 

“Yeh humari sagai ki angoothi hai” 

Arnav could feel the ground slipping beneath his feet. He no longer had the energy to carry that tiny ring that suddenly felt heavy. 

Forgotten about the ring and apologies Arnav’s intense gaze held questions that Khushi didn’t have answers to. She could not understand why it even mattered to him when he clearly conveyed she held no importance for him. 

“Kisi ko pata kyun nahi hai tumhari sagai ke baarey mein” 

Arnav’s eyes stung as the question escaped his lips. 

Khushi’s silence urged him to ask again. He grabbed her by the shoulders and asked in agitation. 

“Bolo! Kab hui tumhari sagai” 

Khushi yelped in pain as the tears rolled down her cheeks. 

“Diwali ki raat ko” 

The hurt in her tone wasn’t missed by Arnav. This decision was made after his abandonment. 

He released her shoulders as guilt rushed through his heart, seeing the marks on her arms he closed his eyes. Somehow he always managed to hurt her when his intentions were the opposite. 

“Kya kar rahi ho” 

It was more of a plea, his begging to save the remnants of what could have been. 

“Aap kya kar rahe hain”

Khushi made no attempts at hiding the hurt in her tone.  Arnav turned around and shut his eyes. His tense back facing a vulnerable Khushi was of no help. 

For a mere second Khushi had some hope, that maybe he would open his heart in an attempt to mend both of theirs. She would break her engagement and give her heart to him, again. 

But she knew too well, this was a lost cause. The tale of love with happy endings was too good to be true. Particularly the one where he gave her his heart, for there were too many differences between them. Wasn’t him the one who constantly reminded her of that. 

When Arnav had gathered enough courage to speak and calmed himself he turned around only to see she was gone. 

He had failed her again. 

With a heavy heart Arnav walked out of his room. The air around him felt thick and the eerie silence was pricking every corner of his heart. 

“Yeh aap pe ziyada achi lage gi” 

His ears perked up at her voice. He walked further down the stairs to see Khushi and Lavanya in the hallway. She had been trying to give Lavanya the same red sari, however Lavanya was adamant. 

“Chamkeeli tum isme bohat sundar lag rahi thi..mujhe kyun de rahi ho” 

Arnav could not imagine anyone else in that attire. She owned his favorite colour that night and he wouldn’t want it any other way. Maybe in an alternate universe that night would have ended happily ever after, definitely not in their engagements to separate people. 

“Haan lekin yeh aap pe ziyada achi lage gi” 

Khushi made sure to look Arnav in the eye, who was now standing behind Lavanya. 

“Aur ab humne laal pehen na chod diya hai” 

Arnav felt stabbed in the heart. He knew full well where her words were coming from. Her rejection of his favorite colour felt like a betrayal, when it had never suited anyone better. 

“Aur humain acha lage ga agar aap pehanengi to” 

Khushi flashed a smile at Lavanya, one that didn’t reach her eyes. Lavanya hugged her and tears of mixed emotions rolled down Khushi’s cheeks. Lavanya’s eyes moistened at the thought of not spending every coming day with her best friend. Khushi had not only given the sari to her but everything associated with it as well. And now there was no reason to come back. 

As the two girls bid farewell, Arnav’s fists tightened and jaws clenched. He didn’t realize when his own eyes started to well.

How could she so easily give everything away to Lavanya like that? All that belonged to her. 

Lavanya turned around, surprised to see the back of the man she was in love with. 

With the retreating back of her friend and the tensed back of the man in question, she knew she had become nothing but a wall. A tear rolled down her cheek as she held the red fabric in her hands. Without having a word with Arnav, Lavanya walked away leaving the sari on the couch. 

She did not want to be the one stealing colour from the two most important people in her life. 

[izzy-b-hands]

You Send Me: Chapter Ten

Tag List: @xmxisxforxmaybe

A little bit of a time skip here, because otherwise this fic would have a ridiculous number of chapters if I went through literally every show on the 1978 Canadian/American tour roster lol. 

Warning for some casually transphobic microaggressions from the reader’s mother in a bit of this. Nothing horrible, but it’s based off of how my family acts around me at times and so...it’s also not great either. If you had to put it on a scale of 1-10, 1 being eh not so bad I can ignore it to 10 being oh god jesus the fuck is wrong with these transphobic assholes, it’s about a three. Also some general verbal emotional abuse. Fun fact, some of the dialogue in this are near quotations of things my mother has said to me irl! I never thought I’d get any use out of that hurt, but here we are!

Also, some big conflict, and some difficult decisions to make for Y/N. 

You were grateful, as the tour progressed, that you and Freddie had finally gotten to fuck when you did. Because after? There was simply no time. 

It wasn’t just that stupid little things kept making you late (the van breaking down, a tire deciding it no longer felt like remaining on the van whilst on the highway no less, hotels not finding your reservations, venues with a whole variety of their own issues that made shows...interesting to complete) but that it was the heaviest fever-pitch of the tour cycle. It was about the middle, and things were settling, you in your job and the crew and band all together into a well-oiled concert-giving machine. 

As a result, you were exhausted a good ninety percent of the time, and so was Freddie (along with everyone else.) Conversations at night had dwindled to ‘I love yous’ and ‘fuck me running I could sleep for a year’ before you both passed out, only to get up early and run again. 

“Is it bad that I’m glad it’s nearly over?” you asked in the hotel room in Oakland, cuddled against Freddie as you both sat against the headboard of the bed. 

“No,” Freddie sighed. “It’s great fun, but tiring fun. And eventually, you do get sick of it.” 

“What show did you realize you were absolutely done with touring, this time around?” 

“....Miami?” he said, and laughed. “No, not quite that early, not really.” 

“Early tour jitters, maybe?” 

“That’s more like it,” he replied. “Now, it’s definitely being done with it. For a while, at least. It’ll be nice to go home. To take you home.” 

Your heart soared at that. It was common knowledge amongst the rest of the crew now as well, and you’d been lovingly teased over it ever since, that any time they caught you smiling, you must surely have been thinking about the end of the tour and heading to London with Freddie. To be fair to them, you often were thinking about it. It was hard not to, the closer it got. 

The phone at the beside rang, and you both exchanged a look. 

“Maybe a wrong number?” you mused as you picked it up. 

“Where are you?” your mother’s voice was sharp, panicked. “And when can you get here?” 

“Where, exactly?” you asked, slipping out of Freddie’s arms to sit on the side of the bed, stretching the cord of the phone less. 

“Home, where else?” your mother asked exasperatedly. “Your grandparents are both sick, and I can’t do this by myself. I need your help. You said I could always count on you, my good little gi-” 

Your mother stopped herself, then started again. “Child. Good little child, of mine. Anyway, when should I expect you here?” 

You scoffed. “You can’t expect me at all. We only just finished the Oakland show, and then we have three in Los Angeles and one make-up show in Washington, D.C. after those. I can’t come home even after that because-” 

You cut yourself off and turned to look at Freddie, who wore a concerned look on his face. It was sweet, and kind, and it brought tears to your eyes.

“Look, I’ve got to go. I can call you back later, and try and arrange to come out there in maybe a few weeks after the tour is over.” 

“That’ll be fine, I suppose,” your mother sniffed. “If they’re still alive by then. But no worries, I’m used to taking care of everything for you all by my lonesome. Nothing new there.” 

She hung up her end of the phone with a clatter, and that broke you. 

“What is it?” Freddie asked gently, pulling you back onto the bed and into his arms. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.” 

“My grandparents are ill, apparently,” you choked out in between sobs. “And my mother expects me to drop everything and go running back home, because supposedly no one else in the family will help her care for them.” 

“I’m so sorry,” he murmured, and kissed your forehead. “Were they sick when you left?” 

You shook your head. “Not at all. But they’re getting on in years, I suppose it could just happen out of the blue. But why she waits to call me now about it, I don’t understand. And I don’t even know how she found out where I am, I didn’t give her the exact tour dates...” 

A knock at the door, and Roger entered unannounced. 

“Ah. Your mum got a hold of you then?” 

Freddie nodded for you. “How do you know about it?” 

“Because. Crystal is Y/N’s contact here, and that was the only contact number we let Y/N give out to family for while he’s here with us on tour,” Roger said. “He made sure Y/N’s mum had a list of the concert dates, and apparently she knew we were in the city but not which hotel, and god, some of the hotels around here are angry beyond belief that she’s been blowing up their lines so much-” 

You sobbed even harder, unintentionally interrupting him, and Roger winced. 

“I’m sorry. We...maybe shouldn’t have given her the full tour info. We never imagined she’d do that with it, that’s for sure. When she finally got in touch with Crystal here, she said it was an emergency, but she wouldn’t say what about? Is everything okay?” 

“Family is sick,” Freddie said shortly. “And Y/N’s mother expects him home straight away.” 

Roger nodded. “Well, if you must...” 

“I’m not going!” you shouted, half of it coming out as an indignant laugh. “I don’t want them to die, but I know her, and I don’t believe it’s as bad as she says. She just wants me home so I can do whatever she tells me, so I can be another paycheck to help her pay bills after I find another shitty job there.” 

You curled into yourself, your face buried in Freddie’s chest. “I can’t go back. I can never go back. But I have to, or I’ll never forgive myself, But I can’t go now!” 

“Okay,” Freddie soothed, and you heard Roger leave the room by the quiet click of the door as it shut. “We’ll figure this out, remember? Maybe you can’t leave now, but...I mean, it’s really not ideal for you to go back at all, with the way you’ve said they act around you. But if it was me, I don’t think I could stay away, even if it turned out they weren’t really ill.” 

He sighed. “There’s no easy answer to this, I don’t think. And not necessarily a right one either. But you have some time, some days at least, to make a choice on it. And I’ll do my best to support whatever you decide, I promise.” 

You raised your head, and you could see in his eyes that he meant it, even if there was an edge there. 

The edge, like a cliff for the two of you to tumble off of, where you went home and couldn’t leave again. Where you’d never see each other again. Where you’d languish in a city you hated, around people who loved you out of familial obligation but not out of pure emotion and care. And where you’d both miss each other desperately, but would never be able to reconcile that pain. 

The shows after that were a blur. Not an unhappy one exactly, but not the ecstatic rush they had been prior. As you saw it, it was two separate eras: Pre-Phone Call and Post-Phone Call. Even with the troubles the tour had seen, you liked Pre-Phone Call much better. 

“If you need to stop there,” Brian said as you all entered the airport, since there was no way to drive all the way back to D.C. in decent time. “You can. I mean, you could spend a few hours there, then be to Washington right in time for the show, I’m sure.” 

You shook your head. “She’s waited this long, she can wait until this show is over, and that’s if I go at all.” 

Brian nodded, and patted your back before following the rest of the crew as you searched out the area you were meant to be in. 

The waiting at the airport didn’t lend itself well to your anxiety over the whole mess, and finally, you hit a breaking point. 

“Bathroom,” you muttered to Freddie as you stood up from the couch the two of you were lounged on. John and Roger immediately pulled your carry-on bags towards them, and you were grateful for it. That little gesture, a sign of the oddball band and crew family you’d come to love so dearly. 

And now, it might go away forever. 

You pressed him up against the wall before you could even get near a stall; there was the risk of being caught, but you didn’t much give a fuck about it. 

“Y/N,” Freddie murmured, kissing back only for a moment before grabbing you by the waist. “Hold on.” 

“I’ll stop, and you can wait for me out there,” you said. “But then I’m getting off in here on my own. I can’t just sit there, and keep thinking about this, running it over and over and over in my head-” 

He pulled you close, and you let yourself melt against him. “I can’t stand this.” 

“I know,” he said. “I don’t think I know anyone who could. But this isn’t the answer, not right now at least. Maybe later, as stress relief, once you’re home, and it’s all over.” 

“Home with you?” 

“Where else?” Freddie chuckled softly. “We’ll make a day of it, making you feel good and loved and not thinking another thing about anything or anyone else. As soon as the jet lag has worn off of you, that’s when we’ll plan it for.” 

“What if they don’t want me to go?” you asked, keeping your head pressed against his chest. 

“Last time I checked, you’re a grown man, who can come and go as he pleases, wherever he might like,” Freddie replied. “Your family might not see that, or might not want to, but that’s the simple truth of the matter. They can want you to stay all they like, but you can do whatever you want. And what do you want right now?” 

“To see my grandparents, make sure they’re going to be okay, then come home to you.” 

“Then that’s what you’ll do,” Freddie said, and the finality of it soothed the gaping crater of fear and anxiety and frustration that had made its home in your chest. 

It was easier to sit then, waiting for the plane, then waiting for the flight to be over (and watching Freddie fall asleep during it, head back, mouth open, out like a light, utterly adorable.) It almost felt normal again, as you went through the motions you had for the entire tour run. 

Airport to hotel, drop everything, change, and then the run to the final venue. 

----

This time it was mercifully free of water, rats, and anything else that might have caused a problem, and the owner seemed much happier and calmer for it. 

That made the show feel cleaner too, watching from backstage as it all went off without a hitch. No broken strings, no outfit issues, no broken drum set, nothing wrong at all. 

“You’re Y/N, right?” 

You turned, and saw the venue owner holding a phone receiver, the cord stretched nearly to breaking.

“An emergency call, per the lady on the phone, she said to get you right away-” 

You nodded your thanks, took the phone, and followed the cord back to its home, the venue owner trailing behind you. 

“What?” 

“That’s a lovely way to talk to your mother, when I’m calling to check in and wish you a good concert.” 

“We’re in the middle of it now,” you said through gritted teeth. “I need to go do my job. How did you even get this number?!” 

“I’m sure they can do without you for a bit,” your mother said carelessly, ignoring your question as if you hadn’t asked it at all. “Now, about your coming here, I have some things I’ll need you to do right away when you get in-” 

“Look,” you interrupted forcefully. “I’m only coming to make sure Grandma and Grandpa will be okay. Then I’m leaving. I have another flight to catch, three days after I get to where you are. And I’m not changing it, or missing it, no matter what.” 

She went silent for a moment, and you moved to hang up the phone. 

“You know, it’s a real shame. We didn’t raise you to be so mean. And after all we’ve done for you.” 

“This is not the time for this discussion,” you spat, looking out to the hall only to see Crystal there, giving you a universal ‘what the fuck are you doing?!’ gesture. “I need to go.” 

“No time for your mother, or your grandparents,” your mother tutted. “What must they think of you there, when they hear you on the phone like this?” 

“They don’t hear me, because they’re wondering where the fuck I am, because they need me to be with them, doing my job,” you replied. “I’ll be on a flight to you after the concert; we can talk more when I get to you.” 

“Why won’t you say ‘home’?” your mother asked. “Just say it: ‘when I get home.’“ 

You bit your tongue, and held your breath so you wouldn’t screech in frustration and aggravation. 

“Say it. For me.” 

You couldn’t. ‘Home’ there had only barely ever been a home, only in the slightest sense. ‘Home’ now, was wherever Freddie was, and that was how you liked it, and you couldn’t and wouldn’t say anything to contradict it. 

“Ugh,” your mother scoffed. “Fine then, be that way. Maybe you ought not come anyway; it would probably upset your grandparents and hurt them more, if this is how you’re going to be. We raised you to be considerate of others, but apparently you’ve willfully forgotten that lesson. Just forget all about it.”

She hung up, and you handed the phone to the venue owner, who took it with a solemn look. 

It was like moving in slow motion after that, going through the motions to finish out the concert, but only being able to concentrate on trying not to break down and cry. 

You couldn’t manage to go in the green room after. You wanted Freddie’s comfort, but not at the loss of his own post-concert joy. 

Instead, you bummed a cigarette off of another tech, and went outside to smoke in the cold winter air, which was where he found you. 

“You smoke? Since when?” 

You shook your head. “Not since high school. This is only for tonight. Just getting me through.” 

“Through what?” Freddie asked, and shivered. He was only in his concert get-up and the yellow robe he wore after each show. It was thick, but not much against the December wind. 

“Through my mother telling me not to bother. Saying terrible things that I know aren’t true, but that I can’t convince myself of their falseness all the same,” you replied as you shifted off your jacket, and wrapped it around his shoulders. 

“Put this back on, you’ll freeze otherwise,” Freddie instructed, but you left it on him. 

“I’m not feeling much of anything right now. Hot, or cold, or anything at all.” 

You finished the cigarette, and stamped it out on the snowy ground. “I should go help clean up.” 

“No, Crystal said they’ve got it,” Freddie said, stepping in front of you before you could move. “He figured something had happened when you took a call mid-show.” 

“I didn’t want to,” you said. “It was terribly unprofessional of me, and it won’t happen again.” 

He sighed, and moved again to be beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “You don’t need to apologize like that. Or at all. It’s fine, everything was okay. Turned out great, in fact. A good show to end the tour on.” 

You knew the tears on your face were warm in contrast to the coldness of your skin, but it barely registered as they fell to the snow. “I wish it hadn’t ended. I mean, I did want it to so we could go home together, but now I have to go...there first and I kept somehow hoping it would all go slower. But it didn’t, and now there’s nothing I can do about it, and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with being around them again.” 

He took your hand, and you let him lead you back inside, ignoring the concerned stares of everyone you passed. You knew they had questions, but they were all kind enough not to ask them right then.

You watched as he changed, sniffling in the one decent chair in the green room that he had deposited you in. You swore he was taking his time, for your sake, and it made you want to run over and kiss him, but you couldn’t seem to move. 

He led you out of the venue again, onto the van, then into the hotel. Not a word passed between you and him to anyone else, even as part of you wanted to explain it all to them, to apologize for your suddenly going cold and quiet and broken. 

“We’ll sleep, and then you can make a final choice tomorrow,” Freddie said as he helped you out of your concert clothes and into the one change of night clothes you had in your bag. You’d barely worn them while with Freddie, it was more comfortable to be just in your underwear, warm skin to warm skin under the covers. 

The cold lingered in your bones now though, and you shivered even after you were dressed, even as he wrapped you in his arms under the covers. 

You weren’t sure you would ever be ready for tomorrow, and you didn’t want it to come. To stay in the bed of the hotel room, intertwined with Freddie, safe and warm and loved, was the only moment you wanted to exist in. 

[sayijo]

A/N: Oh my god I finally finished. Also, @ninjamelissajulien asked me to tag, so, here you go!

Words: Around 3.6k

Summary: Cryptor falls into a frozen lake and nearly drowns.

Warnings: Uhhh like one swear word?

Additional Notes: Uhhhh Tumblr formatting on mobile might be weird

“We’re lost.” Kai grumbled, his voice barely audible. All of them trekked through the snow. The white material was halfway up to their knees, slowing them down by a considerable amount. The sky was a dark grey (and getting darker by the minute), and the wind was howling, sending pellets of snow and hail to rain upon them. He hugged his red thick jacket close to his chest, small flames of fire crackling from in his hair as he attempted to keep himself warm. His loose pants whipped around in the sharp air, and his hair kept falling in front of his eyes, obstructing his vision. His cheeks and the tips of his ears were red from the cold.

They had been visiting Zane’s home in Birchwood forest, before making their way back to the Bounty upon seeing the approaching storm. It was no use. The blizzard had overtaken them after merely five minutes of walking. The wind was deafening and the snow was blinding. “No, we’re not.” Zane answered him, firmly. He stood in the front of the group, alongside Cole, attempting to lead the way back home. He was dressed in his traditional ninja gi, the white fabric basically blending in with the environment, completely unaffected by the cold. His dark grey synthetic hair swayed in the wind, and his bright blue mismatched cyan eyes cut through the darkening sky.

“It’s just been a while since I’ve been back.” Zane continued, his voice calm and reassuring. “I’ll be able to figure this out soon. The falling snow just makes everything look different.”

“Gotta keep moving.” Cole spoke afterwards. The rest of the ninja let out a multitude of annoyed and frustrated groans but followed after the ice and earth ninja regardless. The snow crunched from underneath their feet, their tracks almost immediately being covered by the snowfall. The snow had now fallen all the way up to their knees, forcing them all to struggle against the force of all the packed ice. Every five seconds the wind would die down, before starting back up just as strong as it had been before, blowing snow and ice pellets into their faces. “I’m gonna get frostbite!” Jay shrieked from somewhere behind Zane. He hopped around from side to side, trying to keep warm, groaning internally at the fact that snow was beginning to fall into his boots. He held a phone in front of him, trying to look for a signal so they could contact the Bounty. Frost was beginning to form on his eyelashes, making his eyelids stick together every time he blinked. Zane turned around and looked at him. There was a pause before he shook his head. “No.” He stated. “Your temperatures are at safe levels. For now. No risk of frostbite.” He then proceeded to turn around and started walking once more. Jay inhaled sharply and looked like he wanted to argue, but he ended up biting his lower lip and keeping quiet. He started walking again along with the rest of the crew.

It got silent. It was about 30 minutes of complete agony before someone spoke up once again. “We’re going in circles.” The rest of the crew turned to face the speaker. Cryptor. He looked miserable. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his jacket, his chin slightly tilted downwards into his chest. The hood of the pullover sweater underneath the black leather hung loosely over his head. The red scarf was pulled over his mouth and nose. His glowing red eyes were dull. “How do you know that?” Kai raised a brow, slowing down his steps so that he could keep in pace with the nindroid. Cryptor had decided to lag behind. “We’ve passed that birch tree three times already.” Cryptor took his hand out of the pocket before gesturing to a skinny white tree about five meters to their right. The trunk basically bent from the pressure of the wind, looking like it was ready to snap. “It’s a forest. Every tree pretty much looks the same. How can you be so sure?” Kai countered, rolling his eyes. He raised a hand to wipe the hair from his face and winced when he brushed his hand roughly against the two studs pierced above his left eyebrow. “Yeah well, you’re not a nindroid, Kai.” Cryptor retorted, narrowing his eye. The fire ninja blinked for a while before he turned his attention back to Cryptor. The wind howled, seemingly cackling as if it knew what was about to come. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Kai demanded. Everyone else in the group seemed to pick up on their conversation and looked at the two uneasily. “It means exactly what it’s supposed to mean.” “Oh, what, am I—“ “Anyways, Zane, we need to start heading in another direction.” Cryptor glanced up at the ice ninja leading the group, cutting off the fire ninja before he could get any more words in. Kai looked like he wanted to slap someone. Smoke was probably coming out of his ears. It was beginning to waft out of his nostrils. “Why don’t you lead the way, tin can?” Kai snapped and growled after letting in a sharp breath, and now everyone had completely stopped walking. They stood awkwardly off to the side, unsure of whether to interrupt what was going on. “You know Kai, I’d love to. But since it’s so cold, my navigation has gone hazy.”

“Really?” Kai spat in the most mocking tone he could muster. He threw his head back slightly and laughed, his lips parting to reveal his teeth. “You think it’s okay to tell us we’ve been going the wrong way even though you don’t even know yourself?” “Well, at least I’m helping with the situation. What have you done, huh? All you’ve done is complain. Do you really have nothing else to say?” Cryptor immediately countered back, his entire figure going rigid and his eyes burning a brighter red. Everyone else stiffened up, already knowing that this was going to end badly for all of them “You guys...” Cole asked tentatively, a hint of urgency bleeding in his tone. The wind raged like a pack of hungry wolves, drowning out his voice to a point where it merely sounded like a passing whisper in the breeze. It seemed like the two barely even heard him.

“Excuse me?! I’m not helping? Take a good look at yourself! If you could actually function we’d be able to get out of here faster!” Kai snapped, raising his voice above the winds. Everyone winced, before Jay had to wave his hands madly in an effort to signal Kai to keep quiet.

“Kai, shut up for once in your goddamn life, would you? Every time you talk I get a splitting headache.” Cryptor snarled, baring his teeth from underneath his scarf. He growled a bit, glaring daggers into the fire ninja’s soul.

“Oh look at who’s talking now! I should shut up? Ever looked in a mirror lately? Keep quiet. If you can’t help, then maybe don’t talk at all.” Kai hissed, shoving the nindroid rather roughly. Cryptor stumbled a bit, before glared at Kai, looking angry enough to kill.

“Kai, you—”

“And what’s with the ‘I’m not a nindroid’ stuff, huh? Get off your goddamn high horse.” Kai growled, crossing his arms. Cryptor blinked for a while, before his eyebrow creased in complete fury.

“Okay!” Cole cried out, shaking his hands in an effort to defuse the situation. He had heard enough, and he stormed towards them, planting himself between the two. He reached out and gripped Kai’s left shoulder, and his other hand went to Cryptor’s right.

“We’re all just tired, okay? Let’s put our heads together and think, alright?”

“Not with him.” Cryptor looked off into the distance.

“Yeah, gonna have to agree with you there.” Kai smirked, fixing a glare at the nindroid, who returned the look. Both of them made a move for each other, hands curled into fists, before Cole had locked his elbows to grip them into place. He shook his head, as the crew resumed walking. He dropped his arms but stood between the two, acting as a wall.

Cryptor lagged behind them again, slowing down his pace so that everyone else passed him. He raised an arm to shield his face once the wind picked up. Kai glanced back at him, before he grumbled and began to slow down his trot as well. Cole, however, planted two hands on his back and began to push Kai forward, urging the fire ninja to speed up.

“How’s that signal searching going?” Cole leaned over Jay’s shoulder, looking down at the phone in the blue ninja’s hands. Jay grumbled something unintelligible, his fingers shaking from the frigid temperatures. He had made the mistake of wearing fingerless gloves, and he was absolutely sure his fingers were going to end up being frostbitten.

“Ugh, no luck. I’m telling you, Cole, unless we find a way out of the storm, there’s absolutely no way we’re getting a signal out here.” He stood up on his toes, stuck the phone into the air and waved it around frantically for a bit, as the slight height difference would help their situation.

Nothing.

“We have to keep moving.” Zane muttered from ahead of them. It was difficult to focus on his form, as the raging winds and the snow obstructed their sight to a point where it looked like there was white static flashing across their vision.

“Easy for you to say.” Cole rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

Another five minutes passed in silence.

“Shouldn’t we have Cryptor help Zane out? I mean, he does have a navigation system in place, right? Like, I know it’s scrambled, but, better something than nothing, right?” Jay suggested, as if he had just built the courage to speak up. He nervously glanced over to where Kai trudged through the snow.

“Whatever.” Kai shrugged.

“Hey!” Jay called over his shoulder, before he turned to look behind the entire group. “We need you up fr…”

There was no one there.

oOoOoOo

Cryptor walked through the storm. The wind whipped and pulled at his dark clothing, but it didn’t matter. He had his left hand pulling at his hood, preventing the wind from pulling it off his head. He squinted as he attempted to see through the blizzard. His night vision clicked on, bathing his surroundings in a tint of green.

“If you could actually function we’d be able to get out of here faster.” He muttered to himself from underneath his breath, the corners of his mouth curling downwards to form an ugly scowl. His left hand gripped his hood so harshly he was sure he’d end up puncturing the fabric.

His navigation software had basically frozen, leaving a still image of a map in the bottom right corner of his vision. Every else seemed to be working, however.

He hoped.

“And what’s with the ‘I’m not a nindroid’ stuff, huh? Get off your goddamn high horse.” Kai’s voice rang in the back of his mind. Cryptor laughed bitterly, lips parting to show his teeth. The wind picked up even more, sounding like a choir of people screaming. He shivered from the cold, tucking his chin close to his chest and pulling the hood tighter over his head.

“If you can’t help, then maybe don’t talk at all.” He mumbled to himself, attempting to mimic Kai’s voice, the sound muffled from within the scarf. He was angrier than anything else. He forced his way through the wind and snow, keeping his gaze trained to the ground. It was colder than it had been an hour prior, and he let out another involuntary shudder as the temperature seemed to drop.

His eyes settled as he reached the edge of a hill. He looked up, closing his eyes a bit as the wind picked up once again. Once he reopened them, he realized that he had found a clearing in the woods. He could see the dark grey clouds looming overhead, flakes of snow blurring his sight.

A frozen lake lay in front of him, the shore just down the hill.

...They had passed the lake on the way here, didn’t they? So he was going in the right direction. He looked off to the distance, eyeing the shoreline, which was about 500 meters away from him on both sides.

“Too long.” He decided. He stepped forward, and skidded down the hill, his heels digging against the ice and snow that had built up on the slope. He reached the bottom without much of a problem, and approached the shore.

‘Guess it’s time to take the fast route.” He stepped forward, placing a foot on the ice, before he pulled himself ahead and stood on the lake. He looked down at the ice for a few seconds and stomped his foot against the thick glaze that covered the water with the same force a human would be able to generate.

Nothing.

“...Whatever.” He decided, before he started walking.

He made his way forward without much incident. The ice was strong and sturdy underneath his feet, and the soles of his boots were metal, and gripped the ice so he wouldn’t end up slipping and crashing to the ground.

“So that’s just it, huh? You’re just going to leave them?” He thought to himself, listening to the rhythmic sounds of his feet striking against the ice underneath him.

“...No.” He muttered quietly, shaking his head. “I’ll just...find the Bounty. Yeah. And I’ll...go back.”

The words left a weird taste in his mouth, as if he himself wasn’t even sure if what he was saying was true. He shook his head again, trying to drive all the intrusive thoughts away from his mind.

What was he saying? Of course, he’d go back for them.

Right?

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a sound.

A barely audible click. At first, he thought the ninja had managed to find him. His head whipped to a spot behind him, his eyes darting around to look for anything.

His hand already instinctively reached for a small knife he kept strapped to the inside of his jacket. His eyes only saw the tree line, nothing else.

“Just the wind.” He muttered, but the feeling he felt in his chest told him that it wasn’t the case.

But then it sounded out again.

The ice was breaking.

He let out an angry curse, before his gaze snapped to the ice he stood upon. Hairline fractures engraved themselves on the surface, weaving their intricate designs onto the cold ground. He cursed to himself again, before he scanned his surroundings, looking for a way to fix the problem.

Nothing.

So he turned his attention back to the direction that he was supposed to go.

And he took off sprinting.

He could just imagine the image of himself falling through the ice, crashing into the frigid water and shutting off, drowning—

“No no no no.” He shook his head violently. He couldn’t afford to think about that right now. He couldn’t. His feet slammed against the ice, and the sounds of cracking ice following him as he went. His breathing was ragged, panic gripping him violently.

He could see the shoreline approaching. He just hoped that the ice would hold out for long enough for him make it to dry land. He picked up the pace, his breathing beginning to quicken in panic.

100 meters.

75 meters.

50 meters—

The ground caved in from underneath him with the next step he took. His leg shot through the ice, causing him to trip. His torso slammed into the ice with a strangled gasp, and then the rest of the ice broke, and he was dunked into the water.

The first thing he registered onto was the cold, colder than anything he had ever experienced. Colder than the snow he had felt up until that point. Colder than—

A brief flash, and Cryptor was himself back when the Digital Overlord was trying to take over. The ice crawled its way up his legs, encasing him in a coffin of cold. The burning, horrible, splitting pain that came afterwards— it was too much. Someone make it stop. Someone make it stop—!

He opened up his mouth to scream, and the frigid water came rushing in. He was choking, gasping for air when there was none, dying. He was dying again. Again. He struggled for a sense of direction, unable to tell which way was up.

The second thing he noticed that it was dark. His night vision was basically useless. He looked up and managed to see the broken gash in the ice. He clawed his way to the surface. His right hand broke the water and managed to grasp onto the ice outside, his claws puncturing themselves so deep into the surface that they went straight through.

He pulled his upper chest out of the water, gasping and heaving for air, pulling in as much oxygen as his body would allow. Each breath he took was burning cold, but it didn’t matter. He just wanted to live.

“Shi-shit!” He managed to sputter out. He attempted to heave himself back onto the ice, and planted his left arm onto the surface, before using both arms to drag himself out.

The ice shattered once more, and he fell beneath the waves once again. The cold gripped its hands around his skin, the water dragging him further down, wanting to pull him to his watery grave.

He was losing.

Warning signals flashed before his vision, not doing anything to relieve his stress.

>Body temperature below -20 degrees. Internal heating system failure detected.

>Water detected. Threat of short-circuiting: 37%

>43%. Shutting down all non-essential functions to prevent short-circuiting. Entering low power mode.

He struggled for the surface once more. His movements became sluggish, and a dark, murky blackness tugged at the edges of his vision. He reached for the surface once again, but his fingers couldn’t reach the edge.

“No no no no!!” He screamed, his hands flailing for anything to find purchase on. Nothing. The water was rushing in, and he was dying.

Again.

He strained, but his fingertips hung inches away, and he was unable to produce a short burst of strength to close the distance.

He wanted to open his mouth to scream for help, but he was too busy gagging on the lake water to produce a single sound.

He was dying.

Another flash, and he could see himself perched on top of a tree limb, a chained weapon in his hands. Zane stood in front of him, a sword held in his right hand. A brief fight later, and Cryptor could see the wood of the tree rushing up to meet him. But his own weapon was there, and he let out a silent gasp once the sharp part came piercing through his chest—

He inhaled violently at the memory. More water came rushing in, silencing any sound he made. He struggled again, trying desperately to break the surface. But between his exhausted state and his soaked, heavy clothes, it was impossible.

He twisted his body into a standing upright position, and attempted to kick with his legs to creating propulsion, enough to get him to the surface.

>Threat of short-circuiting: 56%. Leave water immediately. Low power mode initiated.

His legs wouldn’t move. They had frozen into place. The panic was there, filling every crevice of his being. He wanted to cry, but every time he attempted to breathe his chest would ache like someone had stabbed him and twisted the knife deep.

His arm was gone. The walls around him had caved in, trapping him underneath a pile of rubble. He had felt the wires snap and disconnect once he attempted to free himself while his left arm was pinned underneath concrete, the agony working its way up his arm and shooting up into his skull. His teeth were gritted and pained tears streamed down his face. His left side was completely soaked with his blood—

“No.” He growled angrily. This couldn’t happen. He didn’t want this to happen. “You’ve been through all that hell, and you’re going to die here?”

His mind settled on an option. But there was an extremely high risk that he could die from it.

“I’m going to die either way.” He mumbled to himself.

“Override!” He basically screeched from within his mind. This was probably a bad idea, but he didn’t have any other choice.

>Low power mode command terminated. Threat of short-circuiting: 82%.

By some miracle, his body had decided not to fry yet. He reached for the surface, praying that he’d make it. He had to. He needed to.

His hands managed to claw themselves back into the surface.

He broke the surface, gagging and coughing. He dragged his upper chest into the ice and began to retch water, his body attempting to purge as much of it from his system as fast as possible. He let in a sharp inhale, gasping for breath. His breathing was heavy and uneven, but he was alive.

Two strong hands grabbed his arms and pulled him completely out of the water. He could barely even register onto what was happening before a thick blanket was wrapped around his shoulders and someone pulled him in close. It was then that Cryptor noticed that he himself was shaking. Violently.

“Dammit, he’s ice cold! We need to get him inside, immediately!” The voice sounded oddly familiar, but Cryptor was completely overtaken by exhaustion that he couldn’t place a name on it. It was then that he registered into the hum of the Bounty’s engines filling the silent air, the distant chatter and yelling of the ninja.

They had found him.

“You’re okay.” The voice spoke firmly, before the nindroid was completely lifted off his feet, almost as if he weighed nothing.

Cole.

Another pause, as Cole basically sprinted for the Bounty with Cryptor’s body in his arms  

“You’re okay.”

[kramlabs]

Circadian Timeline via Jack Kruse

LINK

This is the modern warm adapted human circadian cycle:

1. Our brain wakes up with a morning surge of cortisol. That is what turns our brain on at 6 AM. VIP helps do this in long light cycles. VIP is highest at 6 AM and lowest at 6 PM. Ghrelin is also highest in the morning. Ghrelin is an incretin hormone made in the stomach that has a half-life of one hour. NPY and Agouti stimulate the production of ghrelin. Ghrelin sends a signal directly to our pituitary gland and it influences our metabolism. This is why the circadian cycle in the stomach in the morning is critical to optimal health. I laid that out here in this blog and it is an important part of the Leptin Rx reset protocol.

Circadian cycles for the obese are dramatically altered compared to non-obese individuals in the morning. In the normal person, Ghrelin is high when cortisol is highest in the early morning. In them, ghrelin drops fast when food is eaten too. In the obese, ghrelin is much lower in the morning than expected. Moreover, when food is eaten, ghrelin stays elevated for an extended amount of time. This happens because of the inflammation associated with the higher leptin levels in the morning in the obese. Melatonin is known to acutely decrease ghrelin and sometimes in tough cases, I will use supplemental melatonin to demolish the morning ghrelin spikes in people with huge appetites. This is most common in the obese, eating disorders, and in those with a severe leaky gut who crave dairy and carbohydrates. It is also very common for young paleo enthusiasts because of how they embrace blue light technology gadgets of the modern world that destroy melatonin levels in the brain.  Ghrelin spikes and stimulates NPY in the hypothalamus increasing our desire and ability to eat a lot more. Leptin makes NPY decline normally, but if one is leptin resistant this does not occur and appetite is out of control at the brain level.

This is why obesity is an inflammatory brain disorder causing hormonal imbalance. Hormone imbalance implies a poor redox potential in different parts of the body.  Where the potential is destroyed a certain disease will manifest.  Obesity happens when it occurs at the leptin receptor or due to slow energy leak from the inner mitochondrial membrane.  This means the obese person is losing energy in black box radiation.  It is easy to check but few do with a thermal camera.  We see this macroscopically as major alteration is sweating and down-regulation of activity due to an inability to uncouple oxidative phosphorylation at the mitochondrial level.  It is not a disease of stress or emotion as medicine is trying to ram down media outlets.  It is a problem of an alters the quantum biology of electron/proton tunneling across our proteins.

Moreover, this should explain why the SAD breakfast is so problematic for modern humans. It is marketed as a carbohydrate fest. It is also why the Leptin Rx recommendation for protein and fat are so high in the morning. Protein is the backbone of all life.  When we are losing energy and increasing molecular chaos we need to replace our proteins to recapture our balance.  It solves this problem fast. I use protein over fat in the Leptin Rx because high-fat levels with low protein in the morning cause a spike in the gastric inhibitory peptide that can induce insulin resistance by itself. I do use high fat in certain cases, like bariatric surgery, eating disorders, hypothalamic amenorrhea, or high EMF levels.  Many people do not know this. This is why so many people do not buy Gary Taubes theory of “Why We Get Fat”. Gary has only part of the story correct, in my view, because obesity occurs on a spectrum just like autism does because it depends on how the environment affects epigenetic expression. When you understand circadian biology, you get a much more complete picture of how the system works on a 24-hour basis. It turns out electrons control the coupling of biochemistry in life and understanding this helps to make sense of why hormones are disrupted when electrons are not handled correctly.  I became a student of circadian biology when I saw the entire view from a 30,000-foot level.

2. At 6:45 AM we will expect to see the sharpest rise in blood pressure in the entire day. This is due to many activated systems in the body getting us ready to fully supply blood to all vital areas to get us motivated to begin our day and search for food. This period of rapid BP rise is why we see so many cardiac deaths occur in early morning sleep or early wakefulness. This happens when cortisol is highest.

3. At daybreak, when the sun hits the retina, the photic stimulus begins to shut off the secretion of melatonin from the pineal gland in the brain.  AM sunlight contains mostly IR light at daybreak and as we approach noon, UV light frequencies appear on the skin.

4. At 7:30 AM usually after an hour of light melatonin is completely shut off in the brain.

5. At 8:30 the gut has been awakened and peristalsis becomes more vigorous and bowel movements getting rid of yesterday’s food are very likely. This happens by protons flows to move serotonin sulfated by the light of the gut microbiome in the wall to get to the brainstem to become sulfated melatonin.  This is stimulated if food is eaten around this time as well. This is called the gastrocolic reflex.  Cortisol, aldosterone, and ghrelin are all raised at this time to drive activity, increase our blood pressure and stimulate feeding.  This is all yoked to AM sunlight stimulus.  It is blocked when we wear clothes or at work in the AM.

6. Around 9-10 AM we have the highest secretions of the sex steroid hormones in humans and these pulsatile crescendos lead to our highest alertness at around 10 AM in our day to allow us to explore our environment.

7. Our ideal muscle coordination occurs at 2:30 PM and this adapts us best to hunt for dinner at this time. An hour later we see our fastest reaction times develop from our motor systems in our CNS.

8. At 5 PM humans exhibit their greatest cardiovascular efficiency allowing for maximal exercising or hunting. This also occurs during a period of time when we have our best rates of protein synthesis in our body. This is why exercise should be optimally done in this window.

9. As the sun falls at 6 PM we begin to see a major change in the cardiovascular system about a half hour later.

10. At 6:30 PM we see our highest blood pressures due to changes in atrial natriuretic factor and antidiuretic hormone (ANF, ADH) in the renin-aldosterone axis.

11. Once this occurs over the next 30 minutes (7 PM) we begin to see a gradual rise in our body temperature as leptin (and IL-6) is released from our fat stores, with agouti’s help, slowly after dinner is eaten to signal the brain about our fat mass and inflammatory status.

12. For the next two to three hours leptin levels slowly rise as insulin levels fall. Adiponectin levels also fall during this time frame. These fat hormone signals are what activate adenosine system in our bodies. Adenosine is created over the course of the day; high levels of adenosine lead to sleepiness.

13. This peaks at 10 PM and then the circadian clock allows for melatonin secretion after 3-4 hours of total darkness. Serum leptin is rising quickly now (with agouti’s help) as it is released from the fat cells to enter the brain. Agouti is highest at this time of the day, even in a normal person.

14. As these trends continue the GI tract is slowly shut down by the circadian clocks and around 11:30 PM and bowel movements are shut down for the night. This means that the vagus nerve is quiet.

15. At midnight leptin begins to enter the hypothalamus to bind to its receptor in the hypothalamus to signal energy reserves while also yoking energy metabolism to sleep via the hypocretin neurons that control all the sleep cycles. In diurnal animals, sleepiness occurs as the circadian element causes the release of the hormone melatonin and a gradual decrease in core body temperature. This drop in temperature is the stimulus to change sulfated serotonin to sulfated melatonin.  This timing is affected by one’s chronotype.

16. It is the circadian rhythm that determines the ideal timing of a correctly structured and restorative sleep episode. Melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland, called the “darkness hormone ” is of great importance in the functioning of the SCN. The most important target of melatonin in humans appears to be the SCN, as the SCN contains the highest density for melatonin receptors. A double effect of melatonin in the SCN, namely, an immediate effect and long-term effect, has encouraged its worldwide use against the ill effects of jet lag.  This may not be wise to do.

As an immediate effect, melatonin is found to suppress neuronal SCN activity towards night time levels. During the daytime, the SCN neurons must run faster than normal.  This is possible because the retina has more DHA in it than the brain.  In terms of long-term effect, melatonin can phase shift and amplify circadian rhythmicity of the SCN. Melatonin application has been found to be useful in synchronizing the endogenous circadian rhythms not only in people who suffer from jet lag, but also in blind individuals, patients with dementia, and in shift workers. With seasonal changes in night duration, there are parallel changes in the duration of melatonin secretion, and this leads to more secretion in winter than as compared to summer. In the cold environments of fall and winter, melatonin couples to eNOS and not to light levels. In warm adapted humans in the tropics, the light remains the focus of SCN entrainment year round.

17. After the 4 hours of darkness, melatonin secretion increases and this allows plasma leptin to enter the hypothalamus if we are sensitive to its receptor. If we are leptin resistant, this process can no longer occur.

18. Once leptin enters and binds to its receptors, it affects the lateral hypothalamic tracts to immediately send a second messenger signal to the thyroid to signal it to up-regulate thyroid function and efficiency. This is how we can raise our basal metabolic rate when we are leptin sensitive. These coupled events, matched with leptin’s actions peripherally in muscles, occur at the UCP3 sites to burn fat as we sleep at a higher basal metabolic rate.

This means electron chain transport does not make ATP as usual. When leptin allows this uncoupling to occur, we make heat and not energy from normal metabolism. This means we will burn off our excess calories as pure heat. This is one reason why calories in and calories out argument makes no biologic sense once you understand how leptin works. Humans are built to burn fat at night as we sleep to lose excess weight we don’t need.

19. The timing of the leptin action is also critical. It usually occurs between 12-3 AM and is tied to when you last ate and how much darkness your retina (SCN) have seen. This generally occurs soon after our hypothalamus releases another hormone called prolactin from our pituitary gland in the brain.

20. The surge of Prolactin is normally quite large in normal darkness but is significantly diminished in artificially lit environments after sunset. This was shown in the Jessa Gamble video HERE.

This has big implications for modern humans. The reason is that prolactin release is coordinated with sleep cycles where autophagy is at its highest efficiency and where Growth Hormone is released. If this is diminished we generally see lower DHEA levels clinically and higher IL-6 levels on cytokine arrays. This is a measure of uncoupling of sleep from normal metabolism. I base every bio hack I do on this step in circadian biology because it is the most important.

21. The normal large circadian prolactin surge we should see at around midnight after leptin enters the brain, does not happen if the patient has leptin resistance, sleep apnea, or has eaten food too close (within 3-4 hours) to bedtime. This blocks leptins ability to enter the brain because of insulin spikes. As mentioned above, this step is usually impaired if you are a post-menopausal female as well. This is often why older women sleep badly and gain weight they can not seem to lose in the gym even with a good paleo template and good habits.

This is another reason I am a big advocate for bioidentical hormone optimization in women. This need is greatest in women who are warm adapted. The need is lowest in the cold-adapted females because their leptin levels are already low due to the cold. Postmenopausal women who are cold-adapted tend to do amazingly well clinically in most disease parameters in my clinical experience. The main problem they face is that their vanity and dogma keep them from using the cold pathways to become rockstars as they age.

Exercise training tends to frustrate postmenopausal women because if their hormone response is altered they have a lot of trouble as they age. Men, on the other hand, do not lose their GH levels until 50-55 years old usually. They are also protected by their testosterone levels which persist throughout life provided that they are not suffering from inflammation which directly lowers their free and total testosterone levels. GH and testosterone keep a mans heart and muscles in tip-top shape. If inflammation destroys these levels earlier in life, it can show up even in younger people. I am finding this clinical result is an epidemic in my own practice.

What happens when step 20 is broken in modern humans?

This commonly happens in diabetics, but it is now becoming a very common finding in modern humans because of the excessive use of technology after sunset. These artificial lights also tend to be quite bright and completely un-yoke the normal circadian signals from the hormone response. Light after sunset reduces the prolactin surge we normally see in humans. When we see chronic lowered prolactin surges we also see lower growth hormone secretion during the anabolic phases of sleep.

Lowered chronic GH secretion directly affects cardiac and skeletal muscle function because the process of autophagy is made less efficient as our life continues. Lowered GH and the sex steroid hormones at sleep lead to loss of cardiac function. This is why heart failure is strongly associated with low IGF-1 and sex steroid hormone levels. When growth hormone is not released in normal amounts, it also decreases our lean muscle mass and increases our fat percentage in all our organs and in our body. This leads to slowly declining organ dysfunction and poor body composition. We can measure this process clinically by looking for falling DHEA and GH/dopamine levels as we age.

What happens in normal aging in step 21?

Aging is among the most common features found in studies on modern humans when DHEA and GH craters on hormone panels. The loss of the prolactin surge is especially prominent in postmenopausal women. Most women begin to suffer from falling DHEA and GH levels around age 35-40 while they are still in peri-menopause. The higher their HS-CRP levels, the faster they enter peri-menopause and the quicker they enter menopause. They also age faster on a cellular level because their circadian chemical clocks are sped up. As a consequence, their telomeres shorten faster as well. Women have higher levels of leptin for childbearing, so they are more prone to leptin resistant issues than men. Leptin is a sexually dimorphic hormone.

This helps explain why older women struggle with cognitive haze, loss of body composition, poor sleep, and increased levels of heart disease after menopause. Many physicians think the losses they suffer are due to the loss of estrogen from ovarian failure, but the loss of growth hormone and progesterone production are far more significant in their physiology. Progesterone is the off switch to anything that is pro-growth. Modern women are usually estrogen dominant even after menopause because of mismatches in circadian biology. Cognitive loss is especially common in post-menopausal women. They also lose on average 1% of their bone mineral density per year from menopause in large part due to the loss of progesterone, not estrogen.

Loss of progesterone also corresponds to poor sleep in these women too. Replacing progesterone in women has a major effect on their sleep and bone stock. It also dramatically improves their memories and cognitive function as well.

Snacking after dinner… Effect on circadian cycles:

If you choose to eat within 4 hours of sleep you will never see the prolactin surge you need, because any spike in insulin turns off this critical sleep time release that corresponds to the cellular maximums of the autophagic process for humans. Agouti, the incretin gut hormone also rises in the blood to higher than normal levels to block leptin from entering the brain.

Diurnal cycles for agouti are coupled to NPY and have major effects on leptin. Agouti is a gene product that normally increases the release of leptin from fat cells at night to signal the brain of what the energy status is of the body. This is great when it is working well. When it is elevated due to heavy carbohydrate use in our diet it creates a massive problem. This is why late night carbohydrate snacking is a bad thing to do.

It appears 12-3 AM are the critical hours at night are where the remnants of mammalian hibernation lie for our species. These are the anabolic times for sleep when we are rebuilding our proteins and recycling our cellular contents. They are three of the most important hours in all human biology. If you miss them, you can bet you have several neolithic diseases for sure. Why do you ask? If these three hours are not reached enough during our sleep cycle, autophagy is never optimized and cellular repair does not occur in our cells. This means we are using old broken down parts in our cells as the next day arrives at 6 AM and cortisol rises again to wake us up.

We can measure this efficiency of this process by checking DHEA and IL-6 levels. I also like to measure hormone panels to see if the inflammation has destroyed any other hormone cascades in aging men or women. This is vital in taking care of older people and treating their longevity. IL-6 levels correspond to Leptin resistant states as well. This makes sleep and metabolic coupling tightly controlled by circadian biology at all times of our life. It is magnified because sleep gets worse as we age and our DHEA, HDL, and HS CRP rise. This is where, during a bio-hack, we can see why circadian mismatches can cause neolithic diseases in humans. Often times we can find the same issues develop much earlier in a young paleo person who has a lot of mismatches in their circadian biology. I test them the same way I would an older person.

Prolactin, Doc?

You must be asking, why is this prolactin hormone so important in a warm adapted human? Prolactin is not just a hormone that secretes human milk. That is the best-known action of prolactin, but not the most important. Immediately after prolactin is released during sleep, another signal is sent to the anterior pituitary to release the largest amount of Growth Hormone as we sleep (GH). GH is stimulated only during autophagic sleep cycles in stage 3 and 4 to increase protein synthesis for muscle growth while you’re dissipating heat via the uncoupling proteins. This is where the major release of GH occurs in humans post-puberty when they are warm adapted. 99.9% reading this blog are warm adapted. If you chose to become cold adapted the GH story radically changes, as laid out in CT-6.  GH and dopamine are analog proteins.

The implications here are huge for the warm adapted human if this prolactin surge is not adequate to allow us to enter the anabolic stages of sleep. Prolactin surge is diminished by both artificial lights at night and by foods that stimulate NPY, (namely carbs and protein) when they are eaten in fall and winter when biology says they should not be available.

If you are leptin resistant for any reason, have sleep apnea, you will always have an altered body composition because of a low GH level and an altered sex steroid profiles on testing. The reason is that DHEA is the immediate precursor for those hormones and is always low in people with bad sleep efficiency. Most VLCers who are warm adapted face this very problem today. VLC diet is best used in the cold-adapted mammal and not the modern warm adapted lifestyle. In essence, this diet is a mismatch for our modern lifestyle. This is why so many bloggers think ketosis is a dirty word for performance and body composition.

This all implies that as you age you will have higher body fat %, lower muscle mass %, if autophagy is not optimized by great sleep. This is precisely what we see today in most modern humans as they age. Invariably, their sleep cycles and sleep durations are poor and decreased from their childhood levels. As they age, there is a chronic insidious erosion of circadian biology by decisions made by modern humans over and over again.

What about temperature variations in warm adapted humans?

Where does temperature enter the picture? In warm-blooded animals, homeotherms, such as humans, can change their metabolism in order to keep their heat production equal to the heat loss. Such animals have a temperature control system and thereby maintain a rather constant core temperature. Warm-blooded animals live with the advantage of an unchanged cell activity and temperature in their core. However, the human core temperature falls during the estrogen phase of the menstrual cycle (pro-growth) and during sleep (circadian rhythm by melatonin).

The lowest temperature of the day for modern humans is usually between 2 AM and 6 AM. The temperature cycle is part of the normal circadian periodicity. Our biological clock seems to be synchronized with the rotation of the globe daily. Meal composition and timing, light cycles and temperature play a role in altering normal cycles and autophagic optimization.

Ovulation releases a sharp rise in morning temperature with its estrogen surge. Progesterone effects seem to explain the higher temperature in the last phase of the menstrual cycle where it calms the pro growth effects of estrogen. In post-menopausal women, this balance is usually not ideal, and it leads to many menopausal complaints these women face today.

The reduced temperature induced by melatonin in sleep is needed for Central Nervous System autophagic repair, for another, less well-known reason. The lowered temperature sets the stage for the biologic quantum effects to be optimal on our neurons microtubules that facilitate learning and neuronal spouting that occurs brain-wide.

This is why if you don’t sleep well you feel bad the next morning and your mental performance suffers the next few days on cognitive tasks. Research also shows your learning is severely impaired because of lowered BDNF and changes in diurnal cortisol due to the sleep deficit. This is why we monitor truck drivers’ and airline pilots’ sleep and wake cycles by law!

Moreover, in hospitalized ICU patients or the elderly when this occurs, it sets the stage for the appearance of acute onset delirium. This is exacerbated when they also have a simultaneous cytokine storm from sepsis or obesity. We see this often in hospitalized patients who cannot sleep well in ICUs. Acute delirium states very much look the same as chronic sleep deprivation patients we see clinically as well. Inducing cold, using progesterone and using hypnotics helps manage these conditions. I mentioned this in my hour-long PaleoFX talk last week.

Okay, nonscientists take a breather. Geeks are up: So today we are going to look more closely at how circadian biology sculpts our species. We will assume the sun rises for us today at 6 AM. About two hours before the sunrise we are at our lowest body temperature and this signal is sent to our hypothalamus to the hypocretin neurons that link metabolism (leptin receptor) to the sleep cycle clocks. This temperature dip signals that sleep is coming to an end and that the brain needs to raise its cortisol levels to wake up the cerebral cortex not connected to the autonomic portions of the brain in the brainstem.

This is called the reticular activating system. When the reticular activating system is damaged, humans remain in a sleep-like state called coma. Neurosurgeons call this a chronic vegetative state. The release of cortisol is a neurochemical signal from the hypothalamus that allows the reticular activating system to wake up the cerebral cortex in the AM by increasing water flows from the CSF, Matrix, and cytosol.

Now we have to think about what season we are in? Is a long light cycle (summer) or is a short one that is cold (winter)?

VIP regulates the circadian rhythm in humans and most mammals. VIP is a gut hormone and is found in our taste receptors too! So if we taste the sweetness from carbs in our diet when it’s warm and they are growing in the environment, our brain is expecting us to be in a warm season rather than a cold one. So sweet means warm to the brain, not cold. If you mismatch that and eat carbs at the wrong seasonal time, you create inflammation in the brain and it throws off our chemical clocks in our cells and ages us faster. That means our telomeres get shorter. This is not good.

Even geekier: Taste perception and its relationship to glucose homeostasis begin with stimulation of taste cells located in tongue taste buds. There are five basic taste modalities: bitter, sweet, umami, salty, and sour. Taste cells are clustered into taste buds in the tongue epithelium. Mammals have four different types of taste cells (types I, II, III, and IV), exhibiting different molecular phenotypes and functional roles.

Type I cells are glial-like cells that maintain taste bud structure. Type II taste cells transduce sweet, bitter, or umami stimuli and communicate information through G-protein coupled transduction cascades. Type III cells synapse directly with afferent nerve fibers from three cranial nerves and most release serotonin upon depolarization. Type IV basal cells are rapidly dividing progenitor cells that differentiate into type I, II, and III cells. Along with biogenic amine neurotransmitters, it is becoming evident that multiple peptide hormones including glucagon-like peptide-1 (GLP-1), cholecystokinin (CCK), and neuropeptide Y (NPY) as well as VIP are located in taste cells, potentially acting as signaling modulators of multiple gustatory stimuli.

The circadian clock not only can generate its own rhythms but can also be entrained by the environmental light-dark (LD) cycle. Multiple single-cell circadian oscillators that are present in the clock can, when synchronized, generate coordinated circadian outputs which ultimately regulate the overt rhythms.

VIP is a gut polypeptide, has been identified as one of the main neurotransmitters of SCN neurons, and participates in SCN function. These SCN neurons are retino-recipient and are found in the core of the SCN. They are activated by light, and exogenous application of VIP can reset the circadian clock in a manner similar to that of light application, both in vitro and in vivo. It is estimated that 9%-24 % of SCN neurons express VIP.

Leptin was originally described as an adipocyte-derived cytokine that signals to the hypothalamus to regulate food intake and energy expenditure. Leptin signals through its receptor, which is closely related to the gp130 cytokine receptor. Leptin can induce expression of the neuropeptide gene vasoactive intestinal peptide (VIP) through the VIP cytokine response element, the same element that mediates the response to the gp130 cytokines. Leptin acts synergistically with TGF-beta to activate transcription through this element.

One of the main chemical constituents of SCN neurons is the vasoactive intestinal polypeptide (VIP). Such neurons are retino-recipient and activated by light. Exogenous application of VIP resets the SCN circadian clock in a light-like manner both in vivo and in vitro. These resetting actions appear to be mediated through the VPAC2 receptor (a type of receptor for VIP). Unexpectedly, genetically ablating expression of the VPAC2 receptor renders the circadian clock arrhythmic at the molecular, neurophysiological and behavioral levels. These findings indicate that this intrinsic neuropeptide acting through the VPAC2 receptor participates in both resettings to light and maintenance of ongoing rhythmicity of the SCN.

Neurosurgery geeks only: In mammals, the part of the nervous system responsible for most circadian behavior can be localized to the suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCN). Although previous studies suggest that each SCN neuron may be an independent oscillator, these pacemaker cells must be synchronized to each other as well as to the environment to function adaptively. Therefore, answers to questions about cell-to-cell communication within the SCN lie at the core of understanding how his timing system operates. The daily cycle of light and dark is the dominant environmental cue responsible for synchronizing this biological timing system to the environment. The SCN neurons receive photic information directly from the retinal-hypothalamic tract (RHT).  My Vermont 2017 video gets deep into the physics of the retina.

Many of the SCN neurons that receive retinal input from these cells are located in the ventrolateral (or core) region of the SCN and express GABA and, in many cases, vasoactive intestinal peptide (VIP) and the Peptide Histidine Isoleucine. These retino-recipient cells then convey this environmental information to the rest of the SCN. In brain slice preparations, application of VIP alters the firing rate of SCN neurons through a VPAC2 receptor-dependent mechanism and induces expression of mPer1 and mPer2 genes. These two genes are how the circadian cycles yoke directly to the cell cycle and are related to tumor suppressor genes and oncogenesis when mismatches occur chronically in modern man.

Functionally, the administration of VIP, and to a lesser extent PHI, can cause phase shifts of the circadian rhythms in vivo and in vitro in man.

The role of AVP (arginine/vasopressin) in circadian timekeeping has also been well established in the neurosurgery literature. Its role in the control of the circadian rhythm of food and water intake has been reported and well documented. Another intrinsic neuropeptide, VIP, acting through a VPAC2 receptor (a type of receptor for VIP), participates in both resetting to light and maintenance of ongoing rhythmicity of the SCN. NPY and GABA seem to be the neurotransmitters in the projection from the intergeniculate leaflet to the SCN adjacent to CN II. Raphe nuclei projections to the SCN contain serotonin as an NT. AVP and prokineticin 2 are seen in the outputs from the SCN as efferents.

NPY, which is an established neurotransmitter of the geniculohypothalamic tract (GHT), was found to regulate SCN neuronal activity and to produce long-lasting suppression of firing rate of SCN neurons. When co-applied with NPY, NT (neurotensin) was found to dampen the profound inhibitory effect of NPY. So when NPY is high, which would be in equatorial or high light conditions, NPY basically makes the SCN less efficient and allows animals to perform outside their normal circadian boundaries. They stay awake longer for eating and for reproduction in high light times during summer.

All geeks reunite: VIP (along with GRP and AVP) show circadian variations in the level of mRNA in constant contact with environmental conditions from our tongue and our gut. When light becomes long-lasting in summer, NPY dominates the SCN in mammals when light becomes low and the temperature falls to 50-55 degrees constantly at our surface cold receptors, and eNOS rises and blocks all photic input to SCN and circadian rhythms are maintained by a new program. Alpha MSH induces and potentiates that seasonal change within the hypothalamus as laid out in CT-6 blog.

The moral: So the brain is wired for foods when they grow naturally, not when we feel or think we can/should eat them regardless of their availability in modern times.

Leptin sensitivity directly regulates VIP production. VIP regulates the circadian rhythm and entrains the SCN to light. When it is cold, leptin is released from fat cells in large amounts, and we begin to use eNOS to entrain our SCN to cold cycles and we should avoid carbs like the plague then. Remember from CT-6, cold empties fat cells like screaming fire would empty a crowded cinema. In cold, the pituitary-hypothalamic portal is involved in the production of lots of alpha MSH and ACTH. When MSH rises, you are allowing the brain to control everything to get you to optimal. This should make it abundantly clear that cold and warm adapted mammals are not sharing the same circadian biology. Cold selects for supreme LS and superior hormone optimization as laid out in the CT 6 blog.

In long-light summer cycles, when VIP is controlling the SCN again, androgens normalize if the mammal is leptin sensitive. VIP usually fixes our Vitamin D level to optimal too. VIP is a master controller of all inflammation for circadian cycles, but leptin is the hormone that produces VIP in the correct amounts even in light cycles. So if we are leptin resistant for any reason in long-light cycles, we have no control over our circadian cycles and this leads to neolithic diseases.

Normally, VIP lowers our cytokines as the light cycle lessens as the day progresses. At night time the cell is more reduced and not as oxidized. Reduced means better cellular health and oxidized means more cellular inflammation. The act of cellular reduction happens in autophagy during sleep with repair processes. Remember VIP is highest in the morning and this helps it elevate cortisol to wake us up. This is also why cortisol levels are highest when we start our days and lowest in the night when we sleep.

[sp00kworm]

Lend Me a Hand (Genyatta)

Rated: T for violence Words: 1636 (Oneshot)

Although it wasn’t requested, I couldn’t resist writing it, even if it was just an idea!

Meditation was a forty five minute affair, for Genji and Zenyatta, which they had to themselves for peaceful thinking, daily. The two had a room on the base for this practice, as Zenyatta had kindly asked Winston for when he had agreed to help out with his gifts within the new Overwatch. The group had cleared the two out an old small social room, and Zenyatta had decorated it with plants and a small bubbling fountain in one corner. Often, various insects and birds would fly into the room if they left the window open, and a few members of the team had walked in numerous times to Zenyatta obliviously meditating, butterflies stuck to his face or birds perched along his arms and shoulders. The sensors on his surface were shut off and power redirected during meditation, and he often flickered back to life to Genji trying to round up and collect animals and insects.

This day was no different. Genji and Zenyatta were out in the grounds training. Genji vaulting the cliffs above Zenyatta with his brother in a quest of strength, the two eager to compete with one another once again. Hanzo still refused to pick up a  blade, and so the two endurance trained, scrambling up rock faces and fighting hand to hand with bots also firing as a distraction. Genji's pistons hissed and released gas as he struggled to block a palm directed at his chin. The palm connected with a gruff growl from Hanzo, who immediately took control of his advantaged, and pressed forwards, knocking the cyborg back with another power packed palm smashing into the fibrous wires between his arm and chest plate. Genji was sent flying backwards a few steps and Hanzo leapt into the air in kick, his bare foot aimed at Genji's gut. The ninja reacted quickly and stumbled back another few steps before regaining his footing and refocusing his core, spreading his feet and arms for balance. Hanzo huffed a chuckle and held his fist close to his side, his other arm outstretched, two fingers beckoning Genji forwards.

“You have grown too reliant on your speed, brother. What if you were to be caught without weapons, surely, it seems, you would be bested easily?” Hanzo grinned, his teeth glinting in challenge as sweat dripped down his temples and chest, unburdened by his kyudo-gi which he had shed and the yugake gloves which were placed on top. Genji was glad that as a cyborg, he no longer had to worry about the smell from sweating, or sweating at all.

“Rather, it seems, brother, that you have been busy. Was normal life too mediocre for you? I'm guessing you spent plenty of time picking fights. Its hard to let it go completely, Hanzo.” Genji's eyebrows quirked cheekily, and he too, gritted his teeth before dashing forwards and landing a punch on Hanzo's chest. The elder Shimada grunted but quickly used Genji's momentum to push the second punch past his side.

Zenyatta had long since finished the motions of his own practice, and sat peacefully, watching the two lethal heirs have at one another. Genji was far weaker in hand to hand, and had always lagged behind Hanzo in their specific training for it when they were younger, and still it seemed, that his stamina was lacking in comparison. A ninja usually had little need for hand to hand, and that was reflected in Genji's typical fighting technique, run rings around them, weaken them, and then strike and get the finishing blow, or go straight for the throat and the quick and easy kill. Hanzo was far more used to patience and endurance, waiting for his kill, before aiming and releasing the arrow for the long awaited end. Zenyatta's orbs whirled around his neck as he thought, and he began comparing the two, sensors and memory units committing details of their fighting to memory in case he should need it one day.

The monk was joined on the grass by the, as he insisted, 'cowboy', Jesse McCree. He tipped his hat in greeting and flopped down on the grass next to Zenyatta, gloved hands picking around the strands for a satisfactory piece which he then inserted between his lips and ground the stalk between his back teeth, the top covered with seeds.

“Greetings McCree. Have you come to watch them spar?” Zenyatta tipped his head curiously, an orb raised a little above the rest to reflect this. Jesse shrugged at his questioning and turned his eyes towards the two brothers who were now huffing with effort.

“I came to watch the fireworks, sure. Been a while since I've seen something juicy like this. The only ones that used to be worth watching were Morrison and Reyes-” McCree caught sight of the bare sweaty chest of the eldest Shimada brother, and whistled, “Well if that ain't a pretty sight, then I don't know what is.”

Zenyatta glanced over the elder brother and shrugged, his orbs moving up and down with his shoulders, “ I do not see the appeal I'm afraid my friend. Perhaps you have an attraction to tattoos? Or perhaps it is facial hair?” and turned his head back to McCree innocently, folding his hands in his lap over the top of his yellow robes.

McCree shrugged and moved the piece of grass to his other cheek, biting down on the stalk, “Look at dem-”

“I assume you were talking about us as we were fighting?” Hanzo's scowling face pinned a glare on McCree and wiped his neck on the towel he had strung over his shoulder. Genji's face was amused and he chuckled before offering a cybernetic hand for Zenyatta.

“As much as I would love to see the domestic that is about to occur, brother, me and my master have meditation to attend to.” Genji elbowed Hanzo in the side and tugged Zenyatta up off the ground. “Shall we, master?” Zenyatta's senors scanned over Genji and a sadness registered as he realised as Genji had replaced his face plate and visor back in their place.

“Of course my student. Let us go and rid you of these frustrations.” Zenyatta was not unaware of the strange way Genji had been acting. Perhaps meditating would help Genji think upon his problems. McCree waggled his eyebrows as they left.

The two settled into the room relatively easy, and Zenyatta first spent time tending to his plants, carefully pruning the bonsai trees he had cultivated from seeds. One mistake would mean hours upon hours of labours would be wasted. Genji watered the easier house plants before rotating a few succulents and seating himself on one of the cushions, his pistons releasing streams of hot air as he relaxed. Zenyatta soon followed him, putting aside his watering can and slowly sitting, crossing his legs over one another. With a hum he began focusing his systems and lowering the power to his peripherals, the hum that was whirring in his chest slowing. Genji shifted in his seat and plating thumped softly as he rested his arms on top of his thighs and sighed with a mechanical edge.

They were only sat for a few minutes, Zenyatta having almost fully focused, when he felt the stare of Genji's eyes on his body. The orbs around Zenyatta's neck span in place and clinked, sparkling gold as he powered his peripherals once more.

“My student, is there something bothering you? You know you can speak to me of your problems.” Genji jolted at the sound of Zenyatta's soft, sudden voice, but quickly regained his composure. He seemed almost contemplative for a moment or two, before he reached up to his face and clicked the visor and guard away, placing them on the pillow beside his thigh. The cyborg then gingerly scooted forwards and seated himself in front of Zenyatta, wringing his hands a little. Zenyatta tilted his head and waited for Genji to explain himself. Carefully, cybernetic hands reached forwards, and pushed Zenyatta's thumb and forefinger apart gently- it was Zenyatta's common hand position when he meditated. With gentle strokes and pushes, Genji flattened out the hands in his grip and pushed the fingers apart, linking them with his own as he pushed his and Zenyatta's hands together.

“I apologise for staring, Zenyatta, and for being so distant recently. I...” Genji closed his mouth and swallowed, “I have been thinking on something, something huge, and I felt it was necessary to have some distance to sort through my thoughts. Now, I have concluded what they mean.” The ninja nodded and squeezed the monk's hands, as though grounding himself. Zenyatta felt the gentle squeeze through his sensors, and instinctively gave Genji's hands a squeeze of comfort back. Genji smiled, “Master- ah Zenyatta. Would you do me the honour of having your hand?”.

Zenyatta gazed at Genji for a moment, before humming confusedly,

“Ah, of course you can my student, however I'm afraid the procedure is a lengthy one. My hands are not like other omnics, they do not remove with switches, and the operation would mean I have to severe my sensor wires...”

Genji stared at his face, his mouth open wide and he closed it several times before fumbling for words, “Ah! Zenyatta, I did not mean literally, I am sure it is-”

Zenyatta's regal laugh broke him off and the omnic chuckled in the air, his legs wiggling as he gripped his belly, “Oh of course I know what it means Genji. I was merely jesting with you.” Zenyatta pushed a finger through the dark hair covering Genji's dark hazelnut eyes, and hummed gently.

“Of course I'll give you my hand in marriage silly billy.”

Genji tackled him in a tear wet hug.

[chemochronicles]

What does life look like now? Update: 5.26.17.

What does life look like now? And/or… Are you better?

The most asked question that I get. I never get upset with people for asking.. it’s a fair question! But there is no simple answer, and I’m not capable of answering that question in passing or on the fly. So I’ll try my best to keep it simple…

- Is the cancer gone? Yes, it’s in remission. Once my cancer is in remission for five years I will be considered “cancer free”.

- Is there a high risk of it returning? Yes.

- Is there a high risk of getting all other types of cancer because of your treatments? Yes.

- Are you still getting chemo / radiation? No. I finished all cancer treatment when I had my transplant in November 2015.

- So why am I still not working? / Why isn’t my health back to normal? / What does life look like for me now? Each month has been different for me. For about 6 months after the transplant I was isolated, recovering at home and went in for checkups once a week. Slowly over time they went down to every other week, eventually a few times even once a month. Then the Chronic Graft Vs Host Disease set in, around late last summer / early fall last year (2016). Things changed. CGVHD is a very rare autoimmune disease caused exclusively by stem cell (and bone marrow) transplants. I started to show symptoms last fall, around the time that I wrote my last blog post. Woah, sorry for lagging on the updates! But life gets in the way and honestly updating the world is not my first priority. Living is. and I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with just that. So I guess I’m not really that sorry! Priorities ;)

Along with that, all those intense chemo / radiation treatments that I had in preparation to the transplant have caused many of my organs to shut down, which has its own unique challenges to functioning in daily life.. The hardest to deal with has been the ovarian failure, how I miss the very thing I used to complain about! You’d be amazed how much hormones could effect every facet of your life. Be thankful for even those little monthly reminders that you think you hate!

Then, last fall (almost a year after my transplant), I started to show symptoms of chronic graft vs host disease. This means that my transplanted cells started recognizing my body as foreign and started attacking me. Some people who have stem cell or bone marrow transplants get this, and some don’t. Some get it severely and it can be fatal, but some (most) live with it for the rest of their lives, with flare ups that can be debilitating and you just learn to manage it… the symptoms very greatly from person to person.

For me, It started with GI trouble, I lost 20 pounds within maybe a month or two as a result of those GI issues… I looked a little bit like a skeleton. Then it attacked my liver a little, my eyes a little, and then the worst was my skin, on the inside and out. I developed an itchy scaly rash all over my body and I wasn’t able to sleep for about a month due to the itching. Also a rash on my scalp (more on that in a bit), and the inside of my mouth and gut lining. I had to limit what spices and acidic foods I ate, it wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to tolerate ketchup again without extreme pain! I never knew what I was missing before! I count down the days until I can tolerate Sriracha… if that day ever comes I will surely throw a Sriracha themed party!🤞🏻

Thankfully things have improved a little since then… but it comes and goes in waves and I’m working on figuring out what causes my flare ups so I can prevent them. I have tried (and am still trying) everything under the sun. Every healthy real food diet, every form of detox, juicing, supplements, adaptogenic herbs, home made bone broth, nutrition courses online, wellness and detox institutes in FL and Mexico, read several health books, essential oils, and all the same lifestyle choices that I’ve been purposefully and prayerfully doing over the last seven years… not to try and control God’s plan for my life, but for the sole purpose of being able to function better… so I can be more effective. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe all of these things are making a day and night difference! But you can’t reverse health issues caused by extreme toxicity overnight, and there is no one cure-all for all people because we’re all different, exposed to different things and process those different things, differently. But who knows how much worst I’d be if I weren’t diligently taking care of myself? Would I even be here? I don’t know, but what I do know is: God is sovereign and has a good plan for me. He also calls me to do my best with what He’s given me.. while trusting Him and keeping Him as my focus. So that’s what I feel confident in.

Back to the story: Last fall, all of these side effects start happening all at the same time! THEN the real struggle of breaking my pride hit: my precious, few inch long, newly-grown-back-for-the-second-time hair that I CHERISHED (I now can see how this is a struggle of idolatry in my life) started falling out. Again. In 1-2 inch wide patches of 25-50 hairs at a time sporadically throughout my scalp… This time, with no rhyme or reason, no chemo or radiation to blame it on. Just a rare unexplained symptom of the chronic graft vs host disease. That symptom I just had to wait out and pray that it might grow back, thankfully some of it has, and I still see more peach fuzz sprouts growing. My oncology/transplant team put me on some high dose steroids again to help most of the other symptoms, which thankfully it did! But unfortunately steroids are just a band aid for symptom management, that also cause other problems… They’ve caused my adrenal glands to shut down and for me to get Cushing’s Syndrome: AKA strategically placed weight gain in what became my hilarious chipmunk cheeks… Which are finally going down, thank the Lord! Talk about humbling, to look in the mirror with bald patches on my head and chubby cheeks, when you’re used to having pretty hair and proportionate cheeks!

For about four months I drove to Santa Monica from Camarillo and then from Santa Clarita after we moved, for a special light therapy three times a week to help my skin condition (photo therapy). This is the only machine they have available within 100 or so miles, and it’s basically a glorified dermatologists UVB tanning bed for 3-5 minutes at a time. A total of around 10 hours commuting on the road per week only for a total of 15 minutes of the actual treatment! But it helped my skin rashes on the outside and gave me a nice little tan! That was (and is) a rough season… I had doctors appointments / check ups / treatments every single weekday for about four months, which is time consuming and costly. With this graft vs host disease I have to see a lot of specialists and they all like to check on me often. Those appointments just all add up. Thankfully I’m down to 1-3 appointments per week instead of 6-9! Not too shabby. But man, was that tough for a while.

On top of being tired from heart, adrenal and ovarian failure and then the resulting thyroid issues… graft vs host disease… spending 3+ hours on the road each day to maintain each doctors checkup or skin treatment or cardiac rehab or whatever else was on the list! It was a LOT! So I didn’t see people, and did NOT know how to respond when well intentioned acquaintances inevitably smile in passing at church and say something like, “How are you? Do you still have cancer? No? Okay great!” Well, my well intentioned and kind acquaintances… Thank you for caring! I’m not really sure what a good alternative question to that would be. Personally, I’ve trained myself to stop asking people how they are unless I am sitting down with them and really want to let them open up. But that’s just me, of coarse we’re all different and that’s okay. Maybe a safe alternative could be, “Hey! Great to see you! Hope you’re doing well!” Or something. I don’t know.

So why do I share ALL of this?

1… in hopes that I can be used as a tool to help you (whoever you are!) be aware of how to be sensitive and pray for people with chronic autoimmune diseases. Cancer isn’t the only debilitating health issue worthy of your patience and care. Plenty of people are unable to work due to chronic illnesses, and it feels so awkward to have that conversation when you meet for the first time or see someone in passing! People tend to listen when they find out that I’ve had cancer.. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to use that platform however the Lord sees fit. But we can all learn from those suffering from chronic illnesses. I just want to encourage you (whoever you are) to take the time to listen quietly to others… and care for them. I am not the only one who is overwhelmed with health issues and at least I have a tangible way of explaining mine, but there are plenty of people who don’t have that luxury. Don’t dismiss them because they feel “tired���, and their doctors can’t figure out a diagnosis. They actually might legitimately be more tired than you can wrap your head around, and they might have valid physiological reasons why. Or maybe they’re just selfish and lazy millennials, making excuses! Either way, it’s not our place to decide that for someone else :)

2… because sharing gives purpose to these seemingly endless trials: aka: life! If I can encourage and help others pay attention to the blessings in their own lives, and take the time to thank God for them - it adds a silver lining to all of these annoying hard things!

3…. I’m really tired of answering the same questions over and over :) If I see you in person, I’d rather hear about YOU!

4…. I want to bring awareness to people exactly what they’re signing up for if you are diagnosed with cancer (or any other chronic or acute illness) and you start down the path of western medicine. It DOES work for some situations (like mine), but not without its very difficult challenges. I wish everyone would educate themselves about how to be well before they’re diagnosed with someone life changing… just for sake of improving your quality of life. It’s much harder to recover from a lot of these issues after you start, and a lot of the medications cause a slippery slope of more diagnosis’s that sometimes only stronger medications can get you out of. It’s a confusing line that I’m walking on, one that needs balance and purpose and prayer. I’d recommend everyone to watch the documentary series The Truth About Cancer, the next time they have a free viewing online.. or read the same titled, best selling book on amazon. There are plenty of other resources available but I feel that one is the most comprehensive. It never hurts to do your homework. There are other options and alternatives that might be better, it’s something worth prayerfully exploring both sides, especially if you’re diagnosed with a more chronic (slow growing) localized cancer.

So.. how am I? Well, I’m alive! And I’m staying afloat somehow! Life is overwhelming and hard but it’s improved from where it was a year ago. 

Here are the blessings that I’m thankful to God for:

1. I’m a year and a half farther out from my transplant, that’s one more year of being in remission (the longer you stay in remission without relapsing, the more your odds of survival increase!) 2. God is sovereign and good, so it doesn’t matter what my survival statistics are anyway! (I don’t know mine, if you’re wondering. It’s either 100% chance or 0%, but either way I’m going to heaven and have a LOT more to look forward to! This crappy GVHD and cancer and the peace and joy and confidence I have in Christ just make that reality SO much sweeter!) 3. I have a hard working megababe of a husband… I’m realizing now that most people aren’t aware of how much spouses of people with chronic illnesses suffer - how is that not clearly obvious??? You guys. Caleb works WELL overtime each week to take care of me. Just for me to merely survive, I’m an expensive date! Then he comes home after a 12-16 hour day, exhausted, to an exhausted me who has no energy to get anything done. Let alone energy to take care of him at the level that he deserves. And then he serves me some more. The guy leaves the house at 4:30 am most mornings, studies his bible more than anyone I know, learns and leads, and works until he’s physically unable. Then we go places and people ask me all these questions about how I grow through my trials and what not. Totally oblivious to the fact that this man holding my hand has so much value and wisdom to share, yet he quietly listens and serves with no entitlement or expectation for anything in return. He anchors himself in the truth of scripture and learning from wise order people and it sets the whole tone for our family of two. Him. I’m thankful for him. 4. Our new puppy, Danger! I begged Caleb for a puppy and on top of everything else he got me one. He’s an adorable Pomeranian who’s my little purse-fitting, therapeutic friend while Caleb’s working hard. He brings me so much joy! Don’t let his tiny fluffiness fool you, he’s a tough guy! He’s killin it with cuteness all day long! 5. We have our own place now! For the first time since August 6, 2015, the day I was diagnosed and my dad died, when we moved in with my mom that next day… I’m so thankful that chapter came to a close. Though I love and miss my moms beautiful property with her gardens and chickens and perfect 70 degree weather year round. It was the perfect place to recover. But it’s nice to have a little space of our own again. 6. My hair is starting to grow back again! And my cheeks are starting to look more normal! Soon, I’ll feel comfortable leaving the house without a hat or wig! I’m hoping to start looking like me again! 7. My family is going on our first cruise / vacation together since I can’t remember when! We’re starting in Seattle and cruising to Alaska next week. Can’t wait! I’ve been missing the Northwest something fierce. I cannot wait to shuck some fresh oysters off that clear blue coast. 8. After we get back I’ll start seeing a special kind of acupuncturist… I see SO many specialists, some natural and some medical… All confusing and at times contradictory. I’m hoping this might help keep my GVHD symptoms at bay… We shall see… But I’m thankful that God has given me options and provided a way to explore them. 9. I’m still exhausted, my troubles haven’t gone. But I have hope in so much more than whether or not I’ll have the things I long for… Like long hair, proportionate cheeks, having biological children someday, a house of our own, a jeep for Caleb, the ability to travel through Europe, an artistic and inspiring life, the list can go on and on… those would all be nice, but I know I’ll be okay without them… If it weren’t for Christ, I would probably be depressed and have given up. But because of Him, rather than sorrow, I have joy. Rather than anxiousness, I have peace. And rather than fear, I have hope.

I don’t know what my life will look like next month, or next year. I don’t know if it will stay this way or eventually get closer to the “normal” I used to know.. I hope it does. But for now, I know what’s right and good and true. For now, I’m thankful for those things and trying to discard the rest. For now, I take one day at a time and my best. (Oops! Unintentional rhyme just happened. Cheesy!)

❤ E

PS. Thanks to the Up & Comer’s Show for having me on their podcast last month! It’s a long interview, but you can listen to it here. :)

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 75)

Winter turned her attention to Qrow, every single blaster, cannon, and missile launcher she had charging up to full-power.

Qrow watched the night turn into a very ominous day. “Can I get like five seconds to explain myself…?” he asked as he began to subtly look for escape routes.

Winter scowled.

“No.”

Ruby began to cry, Weiss hugged the Eluna plushie and looked away, Jaune looked around in confusion at the walls of his prison.

Then, just before Winter fired, a monstrous, unholy roar echoed all around, the very air twisting and breaking from the sheer force.

Winter and Qrow turned and watched as out from the other side of the basin came the bastard child of an alligator, a shark, and a tank that had also been heavily irradiated with magic, then injected with several gallons worth of steroids, because apparently whoever had designed it thought it wasn't terrifying enough.

A Soul Eater.

As the giant, walking collection of claws, teeth, and hate came bounding towards the both of them, powerful claws and gigantic legs tearing out huge chunks of the ancient rock out of the ground like they were made of sand, Winter unloaded the blast into it—as much pure, concentrated magic as she could in a single burst.

She watched as it hit the target dead-on, and made it flinch for about a second before it kept on going.

“RUN!” Qrow cried as he put the mask back on, readied the scythe as he dashed into the woods. “AND GET IT AWAY FROM THE TINMEN!”

“LIKE HELL I’LL LISTEN TO YOU!” Winter cried as she flew up well out of its reach, rained a barrage down it.

Lasers and missiles exploded all over the Soul Eater and directly on its armoured hide; they barely made a scratch as rushed for the Tinmen still in their barrier.

“DAMN IT, WINTER, I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE!” Qrow said as he rushed around the basin in the cover of the trees. “GET IT AWAY FROM YOUR BATTERIES, OR WE’RE ALL FUCKED!”

The Fae and humans in the Bastion yelled at their holos for her to do the same; it did all of nothing, but it did make them feel like they had done something about their impending doom.

The monster began to swipe and smash at the barrier, roaring with frustration as all of its blows harmlessly bounced off despite its best efforts. Winter took the opportunity to charge her shoulder-mounted lasers, fired a constant, massive beam straight onto its back, slowly but steadily wearing away at its hide.

Qrow cried out in frustration as he burst back into the crater, heading straight for Winter with the scythe in his hands.

Ruby burst into tears again, just after the rest of the watchers had helped her accept Qrow’s fate.

Weiss found a corner, sat down in it before buried her face into the Eluna plushie, sobbing into it.

Jaune waved his arms, trying to look for a window or a sign that there was anyone who knew he was in Abner’s cell.

The Tinmen’s barrier began to crackle and fizz from the strain. Already beginning to feel the searing heat burn through its hide, the Soul Eater raised both its arms and brought its claws down over and over again, desperate. Winter intensified the beam, keeping one eye on her target and the other on the fast draining numbers on her power indicator.

Qrow jumped into the air, raising the Keeper’s scythe up high into the air.

Clang!

The blunt end of the head smashed into the side of Winter’s head. It wasn’t where the full might of the weapon was, but 1,000 years worth of echoes from slain animals, Fae, humans, and Soul Eaters gave any attack with it plenty of punch—enough to overwhelm the shock absorbing qualities of Winter’s armour, and send her falling out of the air dizzy.

The beam automatically stopped, power redirected into her shielding as she crashed into a brand new crater in the basin.

Qrow landed, turned back to the Soul Eater, just in time to see it clamp down its nightmarish jaws right on the “head” of one of them as the other ran away.

Winter pulled herself out of the crater, her optics and her own eyes recovering and letting her to see the Soul Eater drain every last drop of magic from the Tinman, leaving it a lifeless, powerless hunk of metal and circuitry.

The Soul Eater let go of it, what damage Winter had done to it healing in an instant as its scales began to brim and glow with dark purple magic. It reared its head back and roared, a gigantic laser beam searing the sky and the canopy above it in an instant.

The Fae stationed out in the open in all saw it, shielding their eyes from its blinding radiance. Several miles away in Candela, the faces of the Queensguard and AFA began to fall, citizens screamed and panicked as they saw the very sky above them was torn asunder.

“That’s… not one of our lasers, is it…?” General Ironwood asked.

The soldiers next to him all shook their heads gravely.

In the Watcher’s Roost, Ruby stared in horror.

In Abner’s laboratory, a dangerously pale Weiss asked, “Do Soul Eaters do that…?”

An even paler Abner replied,  “Well… now we know they do!”

In the containment unit, Jaune sighed and sat down, closed his eyes even if that did little to stop the constant glow of the etherite from hurting his eyes.

The Soul Eater turned around, humming in pleasure as it felt the magic surge through its systems, much more than its usual diet of animals and the odd humanoid for special occasions. Its good mood disappeared as it noticed that the rest of its prey had long escaped.

It sensed their magical auras, and bounded into the forest; ancient, massive trees were felled in an instant, brought down and split apart at their bases by the sheer size and speed of the creature rampaging through them.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING...?!” Winter screamed as she flew through the canopy, her remaining Tinman in her tractor beam.

“A SOUL EATER!” Qrow replied as he bounded from tree to tree, launching off the branches and the trunks.

“IS THAT YOURS?!”

“LIKE HELL IT IS!”

“WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU?!”

As if on cue, the Soul Eater fired another beam, slicing apart several trees all at once. Winter blasted well away from the scene, Qrow had to make do with dodging and ducking all the giant trees crashing all around and almost crushing him to death.

The Soul Eater broke straight through the trees as they fell, grabbing Qrow out of the air, grinning at him as a tree broke over its head with no ill-effects.

Winter watched in horror as the Soul Eater began to crush Qrow in its claws with audible, sickening cracks. He screamed in agony, before it started to repeatedly smash him into the ground, making giant crater in the dirt before it threw him into the trees, through several feet-thick branches until he finally came to a stop on one of them.

Then it turned to Winter.

She flew away, taking the herself and her Tinman away as she blasted the Soul Eater with everything she could. Energy bursts, beams, lances, missiles—all of them hit their target head-on, the problem was that the monster didn’t care.

Then, it opened its maw and started firing back, more of those concentrated beams, and haphazard hails of energy orbs sent it kept charging after her.

It was a terrible shot, wrecking more of trees and the surroundings, but what it lacked in accuracy like Winter it had in power, her damage sensors screaming for mercy whenever one of them landed and seared her armour, making her keenly aware of just how little it would protect her.

Meanwhile, hanging precariously off the branch he had landed on, Qrow groaned, pulled out a healing potion from within his cloak and smashed it on himself. He winced and groaned as the magic seeped into his body, forcibly and rapidly repairing most everything the Soul Eater had broken.

He chugged another one before he dashed after the Soul Eater and Winter. The one good thing about fighting them was that it was easy to tell where they were: just follow the trail of death and destruction.

Winter’s boosters and wings started to reach their limits, the Soul Eater kept on coming after her barely, lagging even after everything she had thrown at it. Her proximity sensors blared: she was about to hit a cliff, nowhere left to run.

And the Soul Eater knew that, bracing its hind legs, closing its mouth as purple magic gathered in its jaws.

Winter shut off all her weapon systems, grabbed her Tinman with both tractor beams, and rocketed herself straight up.

The Soul Eater roared, another beam shooting from its mouth, carving a deep, ugly scar on the mountain behind her, the beam getting closer, and closer, and closer--

--Then suddenly, it stopped, the Soul Eater roaring in pain as Qrow swung the Keeper’s scythe through its body, the weapon suddenly glowing an ethereal silver.

Winter set herself down on a sturdy branch, watching the fight as she cooled her jets and got a desperately needed recharge from the Tinman.

The Soul Eater whipped its muscular, spiked tail back, Qrow barely teleporting out of the way. He reappeared in front of it, slicing a deep, silver gash in its stomach; the monster roared and tried to grab him again in return. He just barely ducked out of the way, getting to a safer position before he pulled the scythe back to him, the blade cutting through the monster again.

He left no physical scars on the creature’s armoured, glowing hide, but she could tell that it was hurting, growing panicked as Qrow attacked its one weakness… enough for it to retreat, clawing its way up to the trees, desperate for the one thing that could help it:

Magic, pure, raw, and just waiting to get siphoned out of her Tinman.

Winter kicked her boosters into high gear and rocketed straight up, branches breaking on her helmet and her back, leaves falling all around her in a storm, until finally, she broke through the canopy.

She spread her wings and hovered, struggling to keep herself and her Tinman up. The Mk. IV just wasn’t made for sustained flight—and more importantly, fights where the target could take everything you had and still keep going.

She began to debate flying away, letting the Keeper take care of this beast, when out from the canopy burst the Soul Eater.

It grabbed the Tinman in its jaws, yanked itself backwards, and stretched the tractor beams past their limits. IT started to free fall straight back down, confident its armoured hide would protect it from anything it’d hit on the way down, ground included.

Winter aimed her shoulder-cannons straight down at the still undrained Tinman in the Soul Eater’s mouth. As they charged to full-power, she cried:

“SMILE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

A single, focused beam struck the Tinman’s power core, annihilating the containment fields and safety measures in an instant, forcing all the magic out all at once.

She grinned as she zoomed into the Soul Eater’s face, saw that universal expression that said it knew it had made a huge mistake.

BOOM.

Qrow shielded his eyes as a massive explosion rocked the canopy, the tops of ancient trees disintegrating from the heat, the dim forest suddenly awash with moonlight and the glow of purple-blue magic.

He heard a second whistling in his hearing-holes, teleported out of the way, the Soul Eater’s now-headless corpse came falling past.

Winter and Qrow came back down to the ground, carefully approached the radioactive zone the carcass had made, thick purple magic oozing out of its body and bleeding into the surroundings.

“Holy shit..!” Qrow muttered. “You killed a Soul Eater!”

Winter beamed. “I did, didn’t I?”she hummed as she aimed her weapons at Qrow again, charging them to full power. “And now, I’m going to kill you…!”

She stopped as all that that radioactive ooze began to shrivel up and dissolve, the now pure purple magic floating upwards and beginning to swirl and gather together—a wellspring.

Winter shut off her weapons. “What the hell is happening now...?!”

“What happens when you kill a Soul Eater!” Qrow replied as he readied the scythe.

A stream shot out of the wellspring and into Winter’s chest, turning into a white-blue just before it entered. She saw her almost empty energy bar fill in an instant, the fatigue and the aches from the fight disappearing, before she felt pure power surging into her system.

A lot of power.

FAR too much power.

Her eyes widened, her body shook as every single part of her began to glow with that white-blue light, only getting brighter and brighter...

“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING NOW?!” Weiss screamed.

“A CATASTROPHIC INVOLUNTARY DISCHARGE!” Abner yelled back. “REMIND ME TO HAVE YOUR SISTER TESTED FOR HER MAGICAL CAPABILITIES IF SHE DOESN’T EXPLODE!”

Weiss punched him, before she all but strangled the Eluna plushie.

Winter saw her vision turn to that white-blue, beams of magic shooting out of her eyes.

Qrow slashed her with the Keeper’s scythe, the blade ethereal and glowing for a moment before it solidified back into ironbark.

A silver rip glowed all over Winter’s body where he had cut her, before all her magic came roaring out like a waterfall, arcing straight into the Keeper’s scythe.

Qrow closed his eyes, he held on tight with both hands, and sighed. “I hate this part...”

“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Winter spun around, fell on her back. She watched, stunned, confused, and terrified as Qrow screamed and writhed with agony, struggling to hold onto the Keeper’s scythe as all her stolen power surged into it, the white-blue magic turning into silver, crackling and sparking all over the weapon.

The last of it was absorbed, the scythe turned dim.

Qrow shuddered, knuckles white from gripping it so hard, before he collapsed, shivering and shaking violently.

Winter’s suit warned her that it was going into emergency power-saving mode, only able to keep her life-support systems on.

Then, she passed out.

She came to laying on her back, staring up at a ceiling made of pure exanite.

“Huh...” she muttered. “So this is what the Aether is like for dead people...”

“Actually, it’s really not!” an unfamiliar male voice said. “Also, you’re in prison, not dead.”

Winter raised her wrist blaster, trying to find whoever had spoken, only finding more of those white-gold walls.

“I suppose you have a lot of questions right now...” the male voice said.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” Winter cried, standing up. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! WHERE THE FUCK AM I…?!”

“Maker Abner Ignatius Jordan; we picked up your unconscious body, treated the worst of your injuries, then brought you here; and ‘here’ is currently my 100% etherite cell, name pending. I’m thinking of something like ‘Gilded Cage,’ but I feel I have to put in much more luxury in there before I can rightly call it that...”

Winter stared blankly at one wall. “… Abner Ignatius Jordan... As in, Dr. Abner Ignatius Jordan, from 500 years ago, one of the historical figures the Terrible Tale of the Keeper of the Grove is based on, with the character ‘Abner.’”

“The one and the same!”

Winter slowly, carefully sat down on the floor. “Doctor...”

“It’s ‘Maker’ now, actually—no one’s called me ‘Doctor’ for—well, centuries!” Abner chuckled.

“Maker Abner...” Winter muttered, “I swear, if you release me from this prison, I will bring you back to the human territories with me alongside Ms. Nikos and my sister, and we will find some way to break your curse.”

Abner laughed. “Oh, my dear, please! Don’t bother! I love it here and believe me, my entry into Fae society may have been forced but my staying in it is completely voluntary! And besides, we made up that part about cursed water of eternal life!”

“’We’?!” Winter asked. “Who’s ‘we’?!”

“Myself and Ily—err, Keeper Ilaya, the Keeper of the Grove at the time.”

Winter paused. “… What the hell are you talking about?! Someone explain to me what is going on RIGHT NOW!”

Weiss groaned, and took the mic over for Abner. “Winter, it’s me, Weiss! I can explain everything!”

“No. Send in the Keeper, whoever or... whatever she is! You want me to believe you?! Show me that I can trust you!”

[hviral]

How financially troubled colleges rip off veterans

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos’s move to reverse Obama-era restrictions on for-profit colleges and reinvigorate the shady industry has backfired spectacularly.

Since DeVos and team greenlighted the accreditation of one of the nation’s largest chains of for-profit colleges, Dream Center Education Holdings, and its purchase of schools, thousands of students have been affected by school closures and conversion to nonprofit status. One group of students that have been greatly affected are military veterans, who have racked up useless credits and massive debts that can become the burden of taxpayers and the federal government to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars.

The deregulation efforts of the for-profit college sector began back in 2017, soon after Dream Center — a charity affiliated with a Los Angeles-based megachurch with no higher-education experience — acquired some colleges from a major for-profit player in bankruptcy. DeVos had made it a priority to bolster for-profit schools, according to an article by The New York Times. In addition to relaxing oversight on the sector, DeVos also allowed for-profit schools to convert to non-profit status by loosening the rules of that process.

“School closures also cost taxpayers and our federal government hundreds of millions of dollars in financial losses in discharged federal student loans.”

It’s also come to light that a DeVos aide, Diane Auer Jones, a former lobbyist and executive for for-profit colleges, was granting personal favors to help Dream Center, which controls more than 100 campuses with 50,000 students, to help the company gain accreditation. DeVos, before becoming Education secretary, had invested in companies with ties to for-profit schools.

Back in 2016, Dream Center had its eyes on the failing ITT Technical Institutes but the Obama administration astutely blocked that acquisition as part of its crackdown on the for-profit college sector. And ITT ultimately shuttered its doors. But Dream Center found a new deal that would be blessed and moved forward by DeVos and team to purchase three large for-profit chains, the Art Institutes, Argosy University and South University from the bankrupt Education Management Corp.

Fast forward to the present. Dozens of Dream Center’s campuses are out of money and set to close, more than a dozen more campuses have already been sold — some to a New York private equity firm in a deal arranged by DeVos and team — and more than 40 other schools are under the control of a court-appointed receiver. In total, some 26,000 students have been affected by the demise of Dream Center Education Holdings.

Thousands of those students left scrambling to salvage their education plans are Post-9/11 GI Bill recipients, who are hard targets of the predatory for-profit schools because they can use the GI Bill funds to collect up to 100% in federal aid. For-profit schools must pull in at least 10% of their funding from sources outside of federal aid, the so-called 90/10 rule. But Congress wrote a big loophole, excluding GI Bill funding from the 90% limit, and for-profit schools actively seek-out veterans as students.

“For-profit schools really aggressively target veteran students and spend a ton on marketing, but spend little on instruction,” Walter Ochinko, research director at Veterans Educations Services, told DCReport. “They have large marketing teams that do robocalls all the time and use lead generators to reach out to veterans.”

With the closures of ITT Technical Institutes schools and the failing of Corinthian Colleges Inc., another 12,000 GI Bill students were affected by the failings of the for-profits in the past few years.

“Deregulation efforts have created a situation where vets are being harmed, they don’t have much recourse,” Ochinko said. “When a school closes, there’s only a partial restoration of benefits for veterans. Essentially they are left out in the cold.”

When these schools close, students transferring from for-profit to public schools could lose an estimated 94% of their credits. And if they retain their credits, they often don’t apply toward fulfilling their degree requirements toward their majors, according to a report filed in June by the U.S. Government Accountability Office (GAO). For many veteran students, school closures and transfers can exhaust their GI Bill benefits.

School closures also can cost the federal government and taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars in financial losses due to discharged federal student loans.

Lax oversight

For GI Bill beneficiaries, the Department of Education works with the Veterans Business Affairs agency and State Approving Agencies (SAA), known as “the triad.” State Approving Agencies, state employees under contract with the VA, have the authority to shut down schools and remove GI Bill benefits, the VA does not. But DeVos’ deregulation efforts would undermine protections for GI Bill beneficiaries by making it more difficult for state approving agencies to hold schools accountable, according to a report by Veterans Education Success, which works with military service organizations to educate federal and state policymakers to ensure the success of the GI Bill and its beneficiaries.

The Office of the Inspector General of the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) conducted an audit of the Veterans Business Affairs and state approving agencies oversight of all programs for military veterans from February 2015 through January 2016, and estimated 44 of the 51 state agencies “did not adequately oversee the education and training programs to ensure only eligible programs participated in the Post-9/11 GI Bill program.”

The report, published in December 2018, found that out of an estimated $585 million paid for these “improper payments,” a staggering 81% or $473.8 million went to for-profit schools. If the Veterans Business Affairs agency does not implement oversight and better recommendations to the SAAs about $2.5 billion in related improper payments will go to potentially ineligible programs over the next five years, “putting billions of dollars at risk for fraud and waste and hindering efforts to provide quality education to eligible students,” according to the audit.

Poor performance

Then there’s the problem of performance at these schools. The for-profit colleges examined in the GAO report showed the lowest graduation percentage of any type of college, at 22% for a four-year program, compared with 73% for public schools and 66% at nonprofit schools. Retention rates for full-time students also lagged, at 56%, compared with 88% for public schools and 85% for nonprofit schools.

The Department of Education recently filed a regulation in June stating plans to loosen requirements and oversight of accreditation agencies, which will only create more incentives for the Dream Centers of the nation.

“Essentially, they are up a creek,” Ochinko said. He and his organization, Veterans Education Success, recommend that Congress restore full benefits to GI Bill students in these circumstances.

Rep. Donna Shalala (D-Fla.) recently introduced a bill to close the 90/10 loophole at for-profit colleges, a small step in the right direction.

The post How financially troubled colleges rip off veterans appeared first on HviRAL.

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[tellytantra]

"Samajhta kya hai woh khadus Kumar apne  aap ko... ek toh pehle meri itni bezti ki aur phir... bhad mein jaye wo aur bhad mein-" Shaurya : bhad mein jane ka time nahi hai Mere paas Ms Sharma. Mehek : aap... mere... aap mere kamre mein kya kar rahe hai, bahar nikal ye. (She walked over to him in order to push him out. But he didn't budge, instead held her hand and pulled her close) Shaurya : Mehek Sharma, ye kamra tumhara nahi balke india's super cook ke contestants ka hai. Jo ke tum ho FILHAAL. (He emphasised on the last word) Mehek : hath choriye mera... i said leave. (She pushed him and he backed out three steps while she fell back) Shaurya : oho Mehek Sharma... kya hua? Phir se gir badi  apne gire hue iraadon ki tarah. Mehek : Shaurya SIR, Mujhe aapko explanations dene ki koi zaroorat nahi hai and you know what I think ke you think that you're- Shaurya : i give no damn to what you think but you better stop the act and get on the sets. Yahan kamre mein band hoke, show par naa ake, tumhe kya lagta hai ke you will get me to say sorry. Well your so wrong kyun ke Shaurya Khanna ko koi farak nahi padhta tumse especially tab jab tum mujhse darr gayi ho aur haar man ke wapas ulte pair jana chahti ho. Mehek : apki ye galat feimi hai SIR ke mein aap se darr gayi hoon aur rahi baat mujhse maafi mangne ki toh wo justified hai kyunke aap ne meri family ke sath jo kia wo aapko karna nahi chahiye tha. Aur Iski maafi toh mein aap se mangwa  ke hi rahu gi KYUNKE mujhe aap se bilkul bhi darr nahi lagta hai, SIR. (angrily) Shaurya : toh phir theek hai, raho yahan... mere sath, puri raath... (removing his coat)... afterall team toh iss shoot ke baad dusri location pe move ho jaegi. Unhe koi farak nahi padega ke Mehek Sharma gayab hai. Mehek : par unhe iss baat se zaroor farak padega ke Mehek Sharma aur the great Shaurya Khanna ek sath gayab hai. Right Sir? Shaurya : yaar mujhe ek baat samjh mein nahi ata, (taking our his phone) ke tum chahti kya ho... ek taraf aise jatati ho ke you hate being with me aur dusre taraf... (smirking) ... mujhe ideas de rahi ho. Mehek : kya matlab hai... aap ye phone mein kya kar rahe hai. Shaurya : kuch nahi bas baki dono judges ko bata raha tha ke I am going home... ek (smiling) emergency hai. Are tension mein kyun lag rahi ho don't worry ab humein koi disturb nahi karega. (Shaurya walked towards her loosening his tie while Mehek walked backed and lost balance hence, Shaurya had to hold her to prevent her from falling... again) Shaurya : kya hua Mehek Sharma, tumhare pair kyun ladkarane lage. Is something wrong... ARE YOU AFRAID? Mehek : n.n.no.. i.. am .. am... not ... afraid of you. (Trying to get free) Shaurya : Tumhe darr lag raha hai Mehek Sharma. Mehek : no Mr Shaurya Khanna. Shaurya pulled her up and close, snuggling his head in her hair while she closed her eyes. Shaurya : you are afraid Mehek Sharma, kyunke tumhe lagta hai ke mein nihati besharam, khira hua aur cheap kasam ka insaan hoon but you know what Ms Sharma. (He left her and pushed her away) Shaurya : you are wrong, absolutely wrong. Mein chahe kitna bhi bura hoon par tumhe sabak sikhane ke liye itna niche nahi ghar sakta afterall I am not cheap but very expensive. (He said while wearing his coat back dusting it and tightening his tie) Mehek : sahi kaha apne aap hai expensive infact aap toh ek Kheemti pattar hai, just like diamond. Bahot expensive and without a soft side. Shaurya : agar tumhe pata hai toh kyun ake takrati ho iss pattar se... pata nahi hai ke, takrane se tut jaogi. Mehek : tut ne ka darr nahi hai bas bhikarne ka hai jo ki hoga nahi kyunki meri family mere sath hai. Bahle bhi.. after what you did with them on Diwali night phir bhi my family is with me and for them mein ye competition jitungi Samjhe aap. Shaurya : confidence hai ya overconfidence... i am sure ke ye jo tumhara drama hai naa sirf mujhe sunane ka hai kyunke aaj agar tum shoot mein nahi jaogi then you are automatically disqualified. Mehek : meri fikar aapko kab se hone lagi. Shaurya : fikar Jaisi koi baat nahi bas agar tum nahi raho gi toh maza kaise ayega iss show mein. Mehek : pehle aap maafi mangye Warna... Shaurya : oh so ab baat warna par agayi. Oh look mehek Sharma... i am afraid like so freaking scared. Mehek : aur hona bhi chahiye kyunke aapko bhi pata hai ke mere iss show mein filhaal rehna apke trps ke liye kitna important hai. Shaurya : how dare you eavesdrop on me. Mehek : haan toh mobile par baat karne se pehle darwaaza band kar lena chahiye aapko. Bataya tha na aapko meine pehle bhi about shutting the door before doing stuff. Shaurya : haan toh abhi darwaaza band hai toh ab toh koi kaam karna chahiye mujhe haina. Actually you said naa ke you don't find me Hot and dashing. Let's see what could be done about that. He loosened his tie aur removed his coat and was now unbuttoning. (Bechara sirf yahi kar raha hai kabse...lol)   Shaurya : Mehek Sharma, ARE YOU AFRAID ke tum apna control lose na kardo. Haan, darr lag raha hai tumhe. (Smirking) Just thJust then the door opened and a girl walked in. Girl : sorry sir wo sab madam ko bula rahe hai. Shot ready hai. Mehek walked up to him and said. " lagta hai kuch logo ko Mehek Sharma ki fikar hai par ab aap kya karega. Haan keh dijiye ka ke emergency khatam hogaya isiliye laut aye warna apka toh... (smiling) ... aur haan agli baar darwaaza band karna mat bhulye ga, roz yaad dilana accha nahi hai naa-" Shaurya : listen you - Mehek walking away and Shaurya starring at her. While the girl just stared dumbfoundedly. Mehek stops by the door way and turns to face an angry Shaurya. Mehek : aur haan Mr Shaurya Khanna...i am NOT afraid. Mehek walked out while Shaurya stood at his place recalling what just happened. "Not again Mehek Sharma. How dare you walk away from me. Iska sabak toh tumhe milega aur yahi Agra mein milega. Tab mein firse puchoonga ARE YOU AFRAID... tab dekhta hoon tumhara jawaab kya hota bloody Drame wali." Writer : Arjun Fan Najaan

http://jodifiction.blogspot.com/2019/07/mehrya-os-are-you-afraid-mehek-shourya.html

[adultstories4u]

Hi friends, I am Sachin. My previous ID isn’t working not sure what my username was so I created a new ID. This happened when I was recovering from a bout of flu and was resting at home. My wife works and would leave me to rest and attend to the odd chores at home. Basically there was a dusting woman who would come and clean the house and an Iron man who would collect clothes for ironing after I bid goodbye to my wife.

I went to the toilet to shave. I was into my second course when suddenly the doorbell rang just coming, I shouted for the benefit of the person at the door. I put on my dressing gown and walked right to the door only to see a maid standing at the door. As I opened the door she broke into a giggle on seeing my face with some shaving cream. Kabhi kisi ko shaving karte nahin dekha kya? I snubbed her asking of she had never seen a man shaving before this. She asked for the clothes for ironing.

I had never seen this woman and asked for Ashok, the regular ironing guy. She said, “Sahib, wo ghar gaye hai mai uski biwi hun aur kapre press karungi” She told me that she was his wife and will iron clothes as he was away to the village. Asking her to come inside, I went to get the clothes. She was standing at the door and I asked her to come inside and shut the door, as there was a slight breeze and I did not want to aggravate my situation, she shut the door behind her.

I gave her the clothes her hand came in touch with mine, it was warm and I felt shivers down my spine. She paid no attention and was busy counting the clothes. Suddenly I felt the urge to go take shag. The heat of her hands had excited me in a strange way. Jaldi Kar muje tayar hona hai. Tera nam kya hai? Rupa, babu ji and she pulled her sari slightly to sit down on the floor as she did her sari pallu moved to one side revealing her deep cleavage.

Her blouse was at least two sizes small but also wet right in front of her nipples. Her sight was a turn-on and I was up under my gown saluting this strange lady. I was naked under the gown and was finding it difficult to hide my movements under it. So I sat down on the sofa next to her. I realized I had to get a conversation going so I asked her why her blouse wet was, she looked down innocently at her wetness and then turned to look at me red in embarrassment as she did she lost her balance.

I fell on my right foot parked unintentionally behind her. I happily supported her with my hands only this time I was touching her bare abdomen helping her gain balance are, tera badan to mere badan se bhi garam hai? Bukhar hai kya? I inquired trying to sound concerned. She straightened hiding her blush and rearranged her sari pallu to cover herself, and begin counting the clothes again but my position was miserable. “Kya to akele rahe gi?

My foot was under her buttocks; she was literally sitting on it. I would caress her buttocks when she moved trying to get the clothes together. Kya kare, rehna padta hai. Mei to 6 mahena ke bacchi bhi hai sath. The picture became clear, she had just finished feeding her baby. Kahan hai woo? I enquired so rahi hai, she said giving me her diary to write the counted clothes in. Once again her fingers touched mine and this time she looked into my face a smiled.

Aap ke bhi to garam hain mujeh to bukhar hai, Tere hath kyun garam hain. I asked Kya bat hai? Dekh mare tere se thande hain, I said taking both her hands in mine. Aap ka shareer to bilkul thanda hai, Sahib. She sounded concerned and put her palm on my forehead to check. Pasena kyon aa raha hai? She enquired and took her pallu to wipe the sweat from my face and forehead.

I realized this was my chance and feigned fatigue and pretended to become weak, Rupa, kya tu mere liya ek cup chai bana de gi mujhe bahut kamzori mehsus ho rahi hai? What did this woman know that it was the situation that was making me sweat as she went to the kitchen asking me to sit tight and relax my mind started working overtime on what to do next? I realized that with a little coaxing I could get this hot pot oh!

I wanted this one while she was busy making tea for me my mind was racing planning the next move. I laid myself on the sofa, where I had been sitting arranging my gown in such a way that one of my legs was exposed right up to my thigh. She returned with a cup in her hand, and found my eyes shut as she came closer, I saw her eyes open wide in shock seeing my bare legs. I was watching from under closed eyes, her hand covers her mouth in astonishment.

She kept the cup on the table and said “Sahib Ji – utho, chai ban gaye. I continued to keep my eyes closed she kept hers on my thigh. The gown slipped further reveling some of my groin. She tried stopping the slide of my gown but missed it and her hand came in contact with my flesh. I was erect, her first reaction was to move away but then she stared at the raised portion of my gown that was now twitching.

Slowly her hand went under it and took hold of it. Friends I am 7 plus and well built. The very size and made her sigh. Suddenly she let me free, a little confused even though excited she was not sure of my reaction. My eyes were shut, she looked at my face as once again she put her fingers around my Jumbo, which was absolute action mode. She got it back into her hands.

I widened my legs she could see my balls, her breath by now was coming out heavy and her tongue often wetting her parched lips. Her other hand came around to caress my balls. She sat on the floor near the sofa and continued fumbling with her hands on me. While one hand went up and down on my dick the other roamed around my legs, thighs, groin, testicles all over.

Suddenly the bell rang and startled she almost fell on the floor. I caught her by her arm and stopped her fall as I kept my fingers on my lips asking her to remain quiet. Arranging my gown I stood up and opened the door to see the cleaning woman there. I told her that I was in my bath and that she should come sometime later before bolting the door for the first time.

She in the meanwhile was picking up the bundle of clothes and was ready to leave. Kahan ja rahi hai Rupa? I asked holding her by her waist. Nahi, Nahin muje jani do sahib, she started to protest. Abhi tak to too maje le rahi the, abhi achanak yeh jane ke kya baat yaad aay gaye. I asked but soon her pallu fell and this made me mad but she would not let me touch her so I pushed her against the wall and as she tried to balance herself with her hands.

I grabbed at her blouse that held her breast with hooks in front. The suddenness of the move snapped three out of four hooks and now her blouse was hanging on the last one. Yeh kya kiya aapne? She asked wohi jo tum mere lund ke sat itni der se kar rahi thi, I replied. She found her self cornered and was also so she realized there was no getting away. Sahib aap ne mujhe dekha tha haath lagate huwe?

She asked I nodded and she blushed red. My peter was saluting again this time hitting her buttocks as I embraced her from the back. One of her breast had popped out of her blouse and was dripping some milk and as soon as I felt the wetness on my palm I asked her, Rupa, mujeh doodh pilaogi? Na, na she made a feeble protest and her own excitement making things difficult for her before she could confirm anything.

I had her facing me with her oozing breast in my mouth never had I been able to experience this before, my own wife was a little stuck up about such issue and a nursing mother was not easy to come by. The feeling was incredible warm, wet and strangely sweet fluid. I was sucking at her boobs like a mad man. The other hand massaging her other breast and pressing her buttocks close and hard to my crotch.

Ummm uumn ahh aahh were the only sounds she was mumbling getting a little hysterical. I asked her to keep her voice down and took her into the guest room. Ashoak ne akhri bar there sath kab sambandh kiya tha? I asked ek saal se jyada ho gaya jab mere pet me bacha tha us ne mujh se sambhog rakhna band kar diya. She explained holding onto my head. Aaur joor se chusoo mera thaan ko.

She told me that her husband did not approve making love to herwhile she was still breastfeeding their child laken aap jesi choos rahe hain muje bahut aachha lag raha hai, aab doosre wale ko bhi choso na pleading she gave her other breast woh to pagal hai, I said tuje fikar karne ke zarurat nahi hai ab. Mere pass aa jaya kar in the mirror of our guest room I could see this rather dark but strangely attractive maid with stark red lipstick and a red sindoor eyes shut tight biting her lower lips

I let my hands roam around unobtrusively anywhere oh! Everywhere and her pelvis were now shaking and her hips hitting my crotch with force and crushing my manhood desperately trying to make a deeper contact. The poor thing was starved for it and made no effort to hide her eagerness. I lifted her on the study table pushing her sari and the petticoat underneath up. She really looked a sight with a blouse still hanging on her shoulders, large breasts dripping milk that I had just feasted on.

I found her not wearing a panty, which excited me, further as I spread her legs. Her bush was thick and it took me a while finding her love nest which was already dripping with her pre cum bahut Pyasi hai? I asked and she simply pulled me face onto her breast urging me to suck her more. I obliged without any hesitation and used my thumb to tickle her clitoris. The moment I touched she shrieked ooue Ma! Han, han hann bahuuuut mazzza aaa raha hai before she could utter another word.

I crushed her lips with a deep throat kiss. She was swallowing for air and whispering bus aur nahi seh paongi I told her this was only the beginning. My peter in the mean while was hitting the side of the table, which now was beginning to hurt. But I wanted her to remember this one session with me all her life and really did not bother. My lips trailed kisses on her chin, neck shoulders, breast and midriff till I reached her navel.

My forefinger and middle finger now replaced my thumb and were together penetrating her hot depths. The insides had been flooded and it was beginning to drop on the table too as I licked inside her navel she again mumbled something, so I let my left palm cover her mouth, continuing to kiss and lick her navel I allowed my right thumb to start tickling her anus as my fingers continued their pounding of her choot.

Things were really getting wetter inside my fingers finding her G-Spot and twisting it between them. My thumb stimulating her clitoris, she swallowed hard biting into my palm before shuddering into another orgasm. I kept finger her and brought my mouth down to drink her overflowing juices. Yeh to mere sath kabhi bhi nahi hua, Sahib. The doorbell rang, we heard someone call out Chachi O Chachi. Sahib, mera bhatija aya

hai mujhe jana hoga wrapping her pallu around her open blouse was the only way she could cover her aroused plight, she rushed out with the bundles of clothes in front of her breast making a solid line of visual defence. I pulled her back in my arms at the door and planted a deep kiss on her now so yielding lips that tasted blood. Main tujhe nahin jane doonga I said digging both my hands into her soft and yielding buttocks.

Sahib mujeh aapne bhatije se press shoro to karwane do adhe ghante me wapis aate hon when I closed the door shut I saw my palm, the bitch had bitten into it and there was blood this was something I had never realised but suddenly I found the idea of being bitten exciting – this one was hot really hot. The wait was long but and she did not return. The excitement got me to shag a couple of time before I finally had my bath.

It was lunchtime so I grabbed something to eat and went to relax on my bed watching TV. I do not know when I went off to sleep, but the ringing of the bell woke me up. I walked up to the door to open and realized it was almost three in the evening. There she was standing with her nephew at the door with the gatari of ironed clothes on her head as I opened the door I heard her telling the child that Babu ji khabi bhi mujhe bulwa de to aak kar batana zarur.

Inhone Kapre dhulwane hain kuch dino ke liye. She walked provocatively past me and laid the clothes on the sofa in the drawing room. Accha ab tu chala ja aur baki kapre bandhkar sab ke ghar de aur press ko thanda kar koyla bahar pekhna. Mein sahib ke kapre dho kar aati hoon. Aur sun Munni rone lage to goad me utha ker khila dena, accha? She added as the door closed behind her and I caught her by her hair that was tied and pulled her toward the study room.

Dard ho raha hai sahib, Itne jor se mat kheencho, she pleaded accha jab to ne muje hath me kata tab kuch nahin hua”, showing my bitten palm I kissed her real hard. She was taken aback with the suddenness of my action and lost her balance falling against the wall. My lips crushed her with a force so hard that she hurt her lips against her own teeth, but the bitch was kissing me back her tongue fighting mine. My hands in the meantime had her blouse opened and were working on her full breasts.

The nipples hurt as I pinched them and she moaned bhoot dukhta hai, dheera, sahib her hips had begun their rocking motion, going back and then pressing against my harness, which after the morning sessions and a couple of shags were hurting me now. But my member was getting hard. I thought it felt harder and bigger than I had felt it before it was trying to come out of the shorts that I was wearing. Leaving her lips, I trailed kisses on her chin, neck, and now bare shoulders.

The shoulder tickled under my caress and kisses and sent shivers down her spine she arched her bosom out toward my advancing mouth. This lady had real fire inside; she desperately was looking for release. Her arms were around my buttocks pressing my hardness into her yearning love nest when my mouth reached her nipples, I disengaged and looked at them, the nipples were really large and pointed they beckoned me to feast on them while fingers of my left hand.

Traced circles on her ample left breast the right one went under the close scrutiny of my mouth. First I planted a kiss on the nipple that made her shudder and thrust herself closer to my manhood and then my tongue started leaving wet trails as it went around the ample terrain. Han Ha o han oh oh, she started mumbling wanting me to take the nipple in my mouth. I did not instead plant small love bites around her breast enjoying its heat and weight on my cheek.

My teasing was exciting her more as I switched sides, and paid attention to the left breast, she blurted out of sheer frustration, Aap enko chooste kyu nahin hain ? She thrust her nipple in my face the thing missed my mouth and got my cheek. The feeling was gorgeously hot. Subha to sare ka sara doodh khatam kar diya tha, aab kyu nahin peeta? She retorted in frustration but I had other plans, and continued to kiss her midriff and gradually trailed my lips and fingers around it while approaching her navel.

Sticking my tongue out I started tickling her navel that tasted salty and smelt the strong pungency of her sex through her sari. My mouth was now busy just above the folds of where she tied her sari my hands were kneading her buttocks and running up and down the back of her legs, caressing them through her sari. She was starting to shiver with passion and her moaning continued so did her heavy breathing that was coming out as gasps.

I looked up at her and she was quiet a sight with blood on her lips her own hands on her breasts squeezing and kneading with her eyes shut closed to her surroundings. For complete two minutes that I disengaged from her I could see her busy with her breasts, she was also desperately trying to get her nipple into her own mouth. Man she was hot! Slowly I started to lift her sari and petticoat with both my hands. Whenever my hand came in contact with her skin her legs trembled and a louder gasps escaped her lips.

My own mouth was almost touching her legs leaving a hot & moist trail of breath as it followed my hands moving upwards. I reached her buttocks to realize that she was dripping wet. I went close to her moist hairy pussy and let a warm breath on it before licking some of her love juice that had settled on her pubic hair. Her pubic area was extremely hot and its smell pungent it was like looking down inside a volcano inside a dense forest. Her pussy lips twitched in anticipation. My hands continued to caress her silken thigh, soft and a little fleshy close to her hips.

This was heaven I thought and new that this woman was mine for as long as I wanted her. I realized most of what I was doing had never been done to her before besides she had no-sex for more than a year as I started to lick her thighs around her knees she almost buckled and fell down. Down came her hands and rested on my shoulder as I continued to sit on my knees and let my mouth and hands give her pleasures. Her heavy breasts were now against my head and their warm, soft.

Swollen feel was enough to drive me faster towards her core. I opened the folds of her vagina and started to massage the entrance with the help of my hand. Her clit was erect and stood out from behind the folds and my tongue went straight for it as I licked it she shuddered into a big orgasm and her hands holding herbreast to my head and her hips thrusting into my mouth as if asking me to drink her dry.

Mar gaye mein kya kare rahe ho aap? Mujse raha nahi jata babu ji aab to mat satao mujhe or mujko chod do hearing her desperate plea for a fuck as I placed my lips close to her vaginal lips and she started to come again this time discharge with a greater force and mumbling hey Ma yeh kya ho gaya mujhe? Ohhh aahhhnn haaannn haannn yeh kya kiya tumne babu oohhhh. I lifted her on my shoulder and carried her to our guest room.

I opened my shorts and let them fall as we reached that room. I drew all curtains, switched on the music system to cover for any unwarranted sounds that this bitch might come out with and then disrobed her. I went and stood next to her and pushed my dick into her face. She looked at me questioningly and I ordered choos ese, aur badhiya choos taki main teri choot hke ache khatir kar sakoon. Mene kabhi nahi choosa, Sahib.

She said reluctantly taking me inside her mouth. What followed after this was extremely pleasurable as I had a amature cock sucker trying hard to please me and her rustic approach and her seeking eyes trying hard to reciprocate the goodness of my foreplay. Things got the better of me and I pushed her back on the bed and mounted her, my penis helped by her eager hands into her warm wetness. She cried a little as I made my first push and I realized that she may be tight because of lack of action in the past year.

The very thought of a tight pussy excited me and made me push harder, my hand went to cover her mouth and though it managed to suppress her scream it got bitten hard in the process. This excited the animal in me and during this session went after her milk laden breasts. I started sucking on them hard, drawing all the milk I could while my hips had now taken a rhythm which was being met by her tight pussy. She was throwing her head from side to side and mumbling animated sounds.

Hanhhanh inhe aur joor se kato choos lo mera sthano ko khatam kar do mera doodh par and she said mujhe itne jor se chodo ke meri phat jayege. Ooie Maa! as I changed onto the second nipple I saw that the first one had become absolutely red and there were marks from my hard sucking all around it but she simply pushed the other one into my mouth without complaining. Gradually my pounding was getting comfortable for her and now instead of hitting back.

I pounded into her she was hitting back when I was withdrawing the fighting bitch was getting tamed. She crossed her legs behind my back into a tight lock and squeezed her inner muscles often trying to dislodge my manhood from its base. Chap chap. I could now hear the sound of wetness that had once again started to ooze out of her pussy and this drove me wild. I spread her thighs and lifted her legs toward her bosom making her rest her knees now on my shoulder this way I could go deeper.

I started hitting her pussy with much longer and deeper strokes. A hai accompanied every push from me from her. Suddenly she came and I saw her eyes roll up and her hands tearing into the bed sheet above her head it was great to see her swollen 38 sized melons swaying as she arched her self from one side to another. I clasped one nipple between my thumb and fore-finger trying to stop the sway. Her insides were flooded and her cum was trickling down the crevices of her arse onto the sheet.

I took my drenched member out of her and after placing two pillows asked her to lie on a metal box that was 3′ x 5′ with a height of 2, made her lie face down on it. Herbuttocks shivered in anticipation and I knew this one will be the best session for the Dhobin. I asked her to lift her arse and shoved my member into her. IT was so slippery inside that I needed little time to park myself deep. Now instead of positioning from above her behind I got parked on her buttocks.

They were incredibly soft and soft and the sensation was unbearable for me. But the angle was taking me very very deep and she was shaking her head in agony. I was touching the inner most wall of hers and was enjoying as my balls came and hit the softness of those beautiful buttocks. As I came I bent down and bit her hard on the back of her shoulder before collapsing with my full weight on her. My teeth in her flesh brought her to her another orgasm and she stiffened her legs straight.

Her hands and neck fell loose in fatigue as she just lay there under me for sometime. Ashok, ne kabhi mujhe itne der tak maza diya Sala apne apko marad kehta hai or ab kehta hai ke mere se sambhog nahin karega. She said as she came and sat next to me on the bed now. My member was loosing its stiffness but felt very sore, she was kissing my chest and gently wiping the cum from my penis. Sahib yakeen karo aaj se pehle main ne kabhi bhi kise luund ko nahinchoosa Acha laga ke nahi

I asked hugging her into me. Mei ab thumari hui Sahib, aaj se pehle mene itne kushi kabhi bhi mehsoos nahi kar paye. Aap jab chao muje bulwa ke mere sath sambandh kar saketae ho. I asked her to get ready and help me tidy the place as my wife was to return any moment. Hurriedly she got her clothes together and went about wearing them as she was buttoning up her blouse I could see the umpteem love bites that I had made on her mammaries.

Tera doodh bahut meetha hai, Rupa kabhi kabhi apne munni ke baad hamara bhi khayal rakhna. I said before leaving she helped me clean up the place and at the door she asked mein aap se phir kab mil saktee hoon? Wow! I said to myself this was great. I knew that my wife, who was a teacher left early in the morning at least 3 hours before I left for work and told her that would be the most convenient time to mate. Roz subha 7.30 baje ke baad.

I saw the shaky walk as disheveled clothes, which she tried desperately to straighten. A little later when my wife returned I told her that today I found help to wash clothes. She was extremely happy as we had been trying for someone for months now. So friends until next time then by the way why don’t you try touching these dhobin’s – Ohhh! They sure meet a lot of heat and steam. Girls, if you want to play detailed role plays,

The post Dhoban Ke Saath Bistar Mein appeared first on Desi Stories.

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5 Thanksgiving foods that are not safe for cats and dogs

New Post has been published on https://nexcraft.co/5-thanksgiving-foods-that-are-not-safe-for-cats-and-dogs/

5 Thanksgiving foods that are not safe for cats and dogs

If you have a sumptuous feast to look forward to on Thanksgiving Day, it might be tempting to share the bounty with your pet. But it’s a bad idea. A lot of ingredients that might show up in your holiday spread (or unguarded trashcan) are harmful to pets. Dogs, being more inclined than cats to scarf down human food, are especially vulnerable.

When holiday foods don’t agree with a pet, they often cause vomiting and diarrhea, as well as more debilitating symptoms. So keep a close eye on your pets, and make sure to keep them away from these items in particular.

Grapes

Grapes and raisins are poisonous to dogs (cats rarely eat them.) They can cause vomiting and diarrhea before shutting down the kidneys.

Vets aren’t sure why this happens, or why some dogs seem to be more likely to get sick. “We would recommend treatment even if they only got into a few grapes and raisins,” says Erica Reineke, a professor of emergency and critical care medicine at the University of Pennsylvania’s School of Veterinary Medicine.

Treatment can include making the dog throw up and giving him activated charcoal to prevent more poison from being absorbed. “If they come in immediately and we’re able to induce vomiting and decontaminate them and support them with some IV fluids, it’s pretty uncommon that we end up seeing kidney failure,” Reineke says.

Onions

Garlic, onions, chives, or leeks may spice up stuffing and other side dishes, but they are dangerous for both dogs and cats. These foods damage the membranes of red blood cells, leading to anemia. “The red blood cells basically pop,” says Reineke.

After eating onions, pets might experience vomiting, diarrhea, weakness, pale gums, or a high heart rate. It can take awhile for symptoms to show up. “They may eat a bunch of onions and you think everything’s okay, and then two days later the dog or cat starts acting lethargic,” Reineke says.

Poisoning from onions happens less often than with other holiday foods. “We see it, but it’s certainly less common than chocolate, grapes, and raisins,” Reineke says.

Bones and fats

If your dog manages to swallow a bone, there’s a chance it will lodge in the intestines and need to be surgically removed.

Poultry bones can also splinter and irritate the esophagus or gastric lining. “If they’re just in the stomach and they stay there, they’ll eventually dissolve most of the time,” Reineke says.

Turkey skin is another font of gastrointestinal distress, as are gravy and fatty foods (like butter-drenched mashed potatoes or stuffing). “Worst case scenario, that can cause inflammation of the pancreas,” Reineke says. This condition, called pancreatitis, can be life-threatening.

Sweets

Cats show little interest in desserts, but several treats can endanger dogs. Chocolate is the usual suspect, particularly dark or baker’s chocolate. One 2017 study found that pups are most likely to get chocolate poisoning on Christmas—but that study was done in the U.K, and it’s reasonable to imagine that in the U.S., Thanksgiving doesn’t lag too far behind. Any occasion when numerous desserts sit out amidst general household chaos is potentially dangerous.

How much damage chocolate does depends on a dog’s weight and how much they’ve eaten. “If they eat one Hershey’s kiss that’s probably not an issue,” Reineke says. You should check how much they’ve consumed and call a vet for advice, or use an online dose calculator to make sure they’re not in peril.

Chocolate contains theobromine, a substance similar to caffeine, which, at higher doses, can cause vomiting, diarrhea, an elevated heart rate or blood pressure, and even, rarely, seizures and coma. “They might be anxious, they might be running around more than they normally would, ” Reineke says.

Another troublemaker is xylitol, an artificial sweetener that sometimes appears in baked goods. It can cause a dangerous drop in blood sugar or, in some dogs, liver failure.

Alcohol

Booze and rum-soaked cakes are not a good way to share your festive spirit with your pet. Like people, animals can suffer from alcohol poisoning, and may experience vomiting, falling blood pressure and body temperatures, loss of coordination, or coma.

Another, less obvious source of alcohol: yeast dough. If your dog gobbles up uncooked bread dough, it can continue to rise in the stomach, fermenting and releasing alcohol. This can also lead to bloating or even a twisted stomach.

Are any Thanksgiving foods safe?

If you are worried about something your pet might have eaten, you can contact a veterinarian or call the Pet Poison Hotline or ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center.

Even if a dish isn’t toxic, it’s still probably not ideal for your furry friends. “We would discourage pet owners from giving table food at any time because it can cause GI upset if it has a lot of fat in it and they’re not used to eating it,” Reineke says.

Still, there is one Turkey Day staple that might actually do your pet some good: pumpkin is full of fiber, so it’s sometimes used as a remedy for constipated dogs. But if you’re not trying to make Fido and Fluffy poop, it’s best to give them treats of their own.

Written By Kate Baggaley

[raspberry-milk-tea-blog]

okay just one last one and then that’s it ‘Some people who have ADHD, ADD or Aspergers can be annoying, but it is simply the way that their brain is programmed. While some with these improve their social skills slightly over time, it is impossible for others. Don't criticize them or make fun; be a friend and show you care.’ I literally found this in a wiki how article of how not to be annoying Is my brain seriously programmed to be an annoying piece of shit?  Fucking incredible I have ADHD and my brain is literally programmed to be annoying no wonder I don’t have friends;;;;;;;;

[vixely-pixely-blog]

Saw a post in the HMS! tag that made me start thinking...  It was someone’s kind of headcanon I guess you could say??? name for Lucifer back in heaven.  If his name WAS changed after falling from grace, it made me start thinking a bit more.  Then, I stumbled across this:  ‘In Judeo-Christian lore, Michael, Gabriel, Sammael, and Sariel all all named as the angel of death.’ Source

Both the names Sariel and Gabriel are on there, angels who have been made in to CANON CHARACTERS.  This is what got me thinking, because I know from what I’ve read that before his descent, Lucifer was one of, if not the absolute, highest ranking angels in heaven.  If that’s the case, would he have possibly been Michael or Sammael? idk just a weird headcanon thing I stumbled across. EDIT: Looking a bit further, I find these as well. ‘Sammael is considered both an evil and good angel, he is known as the chief ruler of the fifth heaven. He is known to be the angel sent by God to carry the soul of Moses at the time of his death.‘ and ‘Michael is an archangel who strengthens the spirit during difficult times or dangerous situations. His name means "he who is like God" and he is the chief over the dominion order of virtues, angel of repentance, righteousness, ruler of the fourth heaven and conquerer of Satan. It is commonly believed that Michael was the angel that Moses communicated with in the burning bush and that he also saved Daniel from the lion's den. He inspires truth, patience and love in the human heart. In Roman Catholic tradition, Michael is considered to be the patron angel of policemen, guiding and guarding them as they protect us. He is also thought to be the one who gently leads our souls to heaven. ‘ Based on the two descriptions, and the fact that he failed in conquering Satan, perhaps he was or is based on Sammael?

[raspberry-milk-tea-blog]

I was so busy being sad I forgot to take my medication;;;;  I can still take it now but ahhh I also forgot about the thunderstorm outside oh geez;;;;  That’s still a thing;;;

[raspberry-milk-tea-blog]

see this is why vague fandoms suck.  There’s no one in them, and the people who are in them are all already friends with each other or are way older than you.  Doesn’t help that I’ve never had a real friendship before so I’m clingy to people who I think are my friends even if they’re not...

[raspberry-milk-tea-blog]

i feel so stupid