#shrimp emotions 2: electric boogaloo | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

evergardenwall · 3 years ago

Text

• in primary school I was ✨boy-crazy✨ and getting crushes on boys a la Mei Chang but I never really put much thought on whether I was straight or not? And my gender expression kept fluctuating between feminine and more masc (it shows in my childhood photos and all the haircuts i got LOL).

• then i heard about queer people for the first time during the Mariage pour Tous debates (definitely the worst time to discover that you’re queer, btw, because oh boiii the waves of homophobia that happened).

• started thinking “mmmh perhaps I might be one of them too... perhaps i’d want to be with a girl in the future and not necessarily a guy”; although i didn’t consider myself gay, i didn’t assume i was straight either

• in 2014, i read the pjo series for the first time and, you’ve guessed, i got obsessed with nico di angelo’s character. somewhere around this time, house of hades is published in france and there’s the Cupid Scene

• and this scene touches me deeply and personally — i projected onto nico a lot and seeing jason’s supportive response felt like it this response was directed at me, too

• i still didn’t consider myself gay or anything but...

• ... one year and a half later, i got the first crush on another girl that i can remember

• i get a little scared because no one told me it was okay to have crushes on people of the same gender ?

• i tell my former best friend about it and she goes “i thought you were straight??”. (i should have replied with “bold of you to assume i’m straight” lol)

• i tell another friend about it and. even though it’s awkward (and that things were complicated with her at the time for other reasons...yknow. middle school), she doesn’t reject me for this

•... and then my mom sees the messages I sent on Skype about it and gives me a talk that basically goes “you have to hide it” (we were in the year of the lord 2015....)

• my mom never brought the subject up again after this conversation, so I am back to being scared of talking about it

• Another Identity Crisis Hits

• anyway i guess i am bi??? this word seems to work for me??

• bullies call me lesbian (derogatory) and i start growing anxiety about this label; i get intrusive thoughts going “well you’re not bi, you’re a lesbian”

• ...and I start catching feelings for my (girl) best friend (we’re in early 2017 now)

• my crush is outed to her by my former other best friend who told her sister who told her

• i start growing trust issues with this former best friend and decide to cut ties with her, — partly because of this and other stuff

• Lesbian (intrusive thought) 2: Electric Boogaloo

•... I Read Magnus Chase And Get A Gender Crisis Because Of Alex Fierro

• the idea of being genderfluid???? mind blowing

• “i guess i might be nonbinary???”, i confess awkwardly to my former best friend in the middle school’s courtyard

• a lady in the street calls me “young man” once and i get that silly little rush of gender euphoria... does it really mean something though

• my brother makes fun of me after hearing me saying that i’m bi/pan and i internalize it a little way too much

• *uses pan label then comes back to bi*

• What Is Gender

• *goes through a period of intense discomfort with being referred to as a girl*

• *doesn’t dare to talk about it irl*

• however, i start making peace with the term lesbian and gradually stop feeling gross when perceived as such

• sapphics my beloved

• were my crushs on guys actual crushes??? i am not sure. i might have been pretending the whole time

• [insert that shrimp emotions post here]

• I read the lesbian masterdoc and go “yeah guess i am a lesbian after all 🤷🏻‍♀️”

• i talk about it to my friends and come out to them (sort of)

• but the word still doesn’t feel quite right

• i watch a bi person’s response to the lesbian masterdoc, read more criticisms of it, and realise that not only there are a lot of problems with it but i also jumped too quickly on a way out regarding my multiple identity crises, and that i didn’t have to rush things

• Confusion Increases

• there are people??? who feel certain about their sexuality and gender??? and know how to pinpoint their experiences???

• What Is The Line Between Platonic and Romantic Attraction

• i realize a big part of my crushes (or that i thought of as crushes anyway), both girls and guys, were inaccessible people and mostly a source of a Rush of emotions that brought stimulation (if that makes sense???)

• and that so much of my relationship with romance and even just aesthetic attraction irl was. sort of performative. if that makes sense. but i still am a sap when it comes to romance lol

• i feel like that after all that happened, i can’t call myself bi again

• the issue comes back in my thoughts on a regular basis and i want to Cry

• but by reading a lot about it, i gradually unlearn the preconceived ideas i had about both lesbianism and bisexuality, and stop listening to that insidious little voice saying bullshit about these two identities. and that is a good thing

• Confusion Is Still Present tho

• well. at the end of the day, i am still queer, i am here, and i can go at my own pace

Straight people think that either you know you’re gay from childhood or something big happens one day and you Realize (and it is like that to some of course) but lbr for many it goes like

I’m straight

No I’m bi

Wait am I biromantic ace?

No I’m definitely bi

…I may not be bi

Am I straight after all? Am I ace??

Maybe I’m demi??? Who knows

I might also be aroace…

Fuck it I’m pretty sure I’m queer

or whatever

#additions #lgbtq #long post

79K notes · View notes