#showing intimacy in such subtle ways... challengers knows how to talk to me

[posalis]

challengers twitter pointed out something very cool: art's coach speaking to him in german!

the subs says "just invite her to serve." (which doesn't make any sense? and art doesn't even go to her after that lmao?) but he apparently actually says "wirf den ball etwas höher." which means "throw the ball a little higher.".

so art knows what patrick's house looks like which means he went there, he understands when his coach speaks to him in german and he's the only one who can pronounce "zweig", a german surname, the right way.

art learning german for patrick and spending holidays with him and his family is canon, i don't make the rules.

[reiderwriter]

🌙 Like You Did With Her 🌙

Spencer Reid x female! Reader

Part of the CM Kink Bingo Challenge

Requested: Can I request Spencer x female!reader who are in an established relationship and she sees him kiss cat that one time. And once the case is over she’s not actually mad cause she understands he had to but she kinda plays it up a bit like ‘I don’t think you’ve ever kissed me like that’

Warnings: BDSM themes, dom! Spencer Reid, mentions of cheating, voyeurism, cuckolding, exhibitionism, bondage, handcuffs, penetrative sex (P in V), consensual degradation (use of whore and slut), anal play, cum play, implied unprotected sex, unconventional sex location (non-public), rough sex, clit stimulation, etc.

A/N: Additional warning - you may not see God's blessing if you read on. To say I got carried away would be an understatement. If you're reading this and you know me, do not ask questions. Simply separate the art from the artist. It's what I want (I'm being dramatic).

Masterlist || Bingo Board

You'd promised Spencer that you wouldn't let Cat Adams or anything she said or did get to you. You'd waven him off on his “date,” kissed him goodbye, and then sat on his couch for hours worrying.

And you'd kept worrying as the hours passed, until you'd heard voices in the hallway and then movement, and the door was opening and you saw it.

Your boyfriend savagely pushing another woman up against a wall, fighting for control, his large hands spread wide and tensed against skin, his lips sucking and kissing and preening, and showing his control.

You watched for entirely too long before you accidentally made your presence known.

It was a game to Cat, and you knew enough about her to know that you couldn't show any reaction. You didn't know if she'd only get more dangerous if she knew just how much you'd enjoyed watching that.

You held the conversation still, letting Spencer push at whatever game it was he was playing with Cat, but you weren't wholly there. Instead, your mind was playing the comparison game.

You loved Spencer. Spencer loved you. When you had sex with Spencer, it was clear that Spencer loved you.

And maybe love was all there was to it because based on what you'd now seen, there wasn't exactly that much heat when you did it.

If he could be so rough - and you wanted him to be rough - then why wasn't he being rough with you?

He may have been playing games with Cat, but you'd fucked him enough to know the subtle postures of his arousal. You caught it in the way he held himself, the way his breathing hitched, the way he was looking.

Not just at her, but at you, too. As if he were caught between the two of you, unsure who to force to their knees first.

So you let him do the talking and tried to distract yourself from a moment of arousal that you feared would never be satisfied.

To your credit, you lasted two weeks. You hadn't made love to him that night because it was too soon, and he was desperately grovelling in apology for something you weren't angry about in the slightest.

Sure, you should've been angry. If not because he'd made out with another woman than he'd made out with a sociopathic serial killer specifically, one who'd made his life a misery. But you couldn't bring yourself to be upset when your hands worked their way between your legs every time you thought about it.

A week after, he caught you pleasuring yourself, and he'd taken over, kissing you gently and whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

His touch was pathetically gentle, and after you came, he rolled off the bed and took himself to the bathroom, leaving you alone.

A week after that, he initiated sex again, but it was soft, sweet, and so warm that you felt almost ashamed for wanting him to choke you out even just a little bit.

Spencer wasn't exactly unaware of your preoccupation.

You hadn't kissed him without frowning in two weeks, and you hadn't initiated anything sexual yourself. There was still the casual intimacy, the friendship, the I Love You’s, but you seemed distant and he knew he fucked up.

You drew a line in the sand when he started coming home with flowers.

“Spencer-? What is this?” You said as he pushed the bouquet into your hands, kissing you hello as he walked through the door.

“Flowers. Lilies, to be specific, you like lilies, right? I didn't ask, I should've asked-”

“Why did you buy me flowers?” You said, still just staring at him and the guilt on his face.

“I thought - You like flowers.”

“I do. But I also like to know the reason behind the flowers, so spill.”

He hesitated for a moment and let out a sigh, running his hands through his hair as he looked between you and the flowers.

“Lilies are apology flowers.”

“Spencer,” you said, almost exasperated, throwing your hand sin the air and walking back to the kitchen.

“You're upset. You're obviously upset. I kissed Cat, and-”

“You did a little more than kiss her.”

“Y/N,” his voice getting slightly deeper, his voice warning you to tread lightly. “You're jealous.”

“I already told you I'm not,” you said, even though that was half a lie. “It's just-”

“Just what? Jealousy? Speak to me, Y/N, you've been ignoring me all week.”

His brow was furrowed, his stress evident in the hard lines of his body, his stiff shoulders, the line of his mouth. You wanted to keep pressing his buttons until that anger, that stress, boiled over, and you got to experience what Cat had.

“Sorry,” you said, dropping the lilies on the counter in your kitchen and turning around to face him once again. “I haven't been ignoring you, though. Ignoring someone is when you make out with another woman in a doorway, not knowing your girlfriend is sitting on a couch watching the entire thing.”

“Y/N!”

“What? I'm not allowed to tell the truth now? Are you afraid you'll feel too guilty?”

“I am so sorry, Y/N, it was-”

“I'm not.” You said quickly as he stepped forward. You knew that if you let him get further in his apology, he'd bundle you up in his arms, and gently carry you away to kiss and hug and cuddle and have sex in the most dignified, loving way imaginable. You didn't want that.

“What?”

“I'm not sorry. I lied earlier. I'm not sorry, I'm fucking envious.”

You slid your hands down his chest as he stilled again, watching g your hand descend to the front of his pants. You grabbed his belt and pulled him closer.

“Spencer, why have you never fucked me like that?”

His eyes widened in shock, but they quickly flicked back to your hands as you slowly unbuckled his belt.

“I… I didn't fuck her, let's get that straight.”

“I know,” you said, leaning up to whisper in his ear. “I was watching.”

His hands gripped the counter as he stared at you straight-faced, finally locking eyes with you as you pulled his belt free and dropped it to the floor.

“I don't want to treat you the way I treated her,” he said, voice quieter but still full of tension, as if ready to shout at any second.

“You don't want to fuck me?” You asked, even as you grabbed his cock through his pants, taunting him with the fact that he did. You knew he did, because you held the evidence in your hand.

“No…! Yes, I do, but not... like that.”

“Not like what?” You said, pushing his shirt up and out of his pants so your hands had more room to explore, fewer layers of clothing to obstruct.

“Like… like a… fuck, stop distracting me.”

“I'm not distracting you, I'm trying to prove to you that this is meaningless and that you should bend me over and fuck me like a cheap whore.”

“Y/N!” he said, either exasperated, or desperately horny from your grip on his hard cock.

He grabbed your hand and pulled it away from him, pinning it against the counter with his own.

“Stop.”

“No,” you spat back at him, pressing closer to him and wiggling your hand free so it could stroke his dick again. “Not until you make me.”

His lips dropped to yours in a kiss, but this time, you could tell you'd made progress. An annoyed harrumph echoed through the kiss, and you fought his tongue back as he tried to take control of your mouth, attempting to gently lead as he always did.

“Y/N,” he moaned, as your hands fought off his to fondle his cock, unbuttoning his pants and pulling it free as you stroked it gently, teasingly.

You had to show him a taste of his own medicine.

“Y/N, we need to talk, keep your hands to yourself.”

“No,” you said, stroking harder, spotting into your hand while keeping eye contact with him. “Unless you want to try and stop me?”

He watched your hand fall back to his cock, watched you tease the tip with one small stroke, then another, and then another.

And then he finally broke.

He pushed your hands off quickly, twisting one arm up and around your back, pinning it there as he grabbed his handcuffs and attached your hands together behind your back.

“Spencer!” you gasped.

“Cheap whore? That's what you wanted?” He said, pulling your hips back so his cock could nestle in the fabric of your skirt.

You nodded, rolling your shoulders to test the limits of your new restraints. Restraints you knew had been on Cat two weeks ago. You wondered if he was thinking about her now as his cock got harder and harder. You wondered why that turned you on so much.

“Okay. I'll give you what you want, but don't complain after.”

“Please, like you could actually hurt me that much.”

His hand immediately crept up to your neck and wrapped around it delicately. He didn't press down, but the threat was there as he leant down to whisper in your ear.

“Y/N?” You nodded in response, not chancing talking back. “Shut the fuck up.”

His hands pulled your skirt up first, and you found yourself without underwear just as fast, though you felt it suspended between your knees. He ran a finger through your folds, pushing your legs wider with one hand as the other grabbed a fistful of hair and slowly forced your head onto the counter.

This was new. All of this was new. The position, the location, the emotion. The handcuffs. You struggled against them again but didn't say a word, as his hand gently came down on your bare ass.

“Ah,” you cried out in surprise, jumping slightly as you felt the impact.

“I said be quiet,” he said from behind you, inspecting your pretty pink pussy as you displayed yourself for him.

One finger slowly slid into you, and you bit your lip to hold back a moan. It was joined by a second finger, and then he started moving them.

He'd touched you before, buried himself deep inside even, but this new angle felt different, and your eyes rolled shut as he pumped in and out. With two weeks of frustration, you were perfectly wet for him already, and you were almost embarrassed about the wet sounds his ministrations were causing already.

“S-Spencer,” you moaned, pushing your hips back into him, in time with his fingers.

He pulled out his hands and slapped your ass again, hard, as you cried out.

“You want to be treated like a cheap whore, but even they follow instructions, Y/N.”

You heard him spit on his hands again, and then his digits returned.

Except they didn't return to your pussy, but a spot higher up.

His fingers lubed up your ass with his spit and your arousal as he gently slid a finger into your ass, and you cried out in shock, or pain, or arousal, or whatever it was that had your head sagging to the counter, your legs lifting onto your tiptoes to allow him better access to your holes.

“You're even tighter here than there…” he said, almost curiously, as of transfixed by watching his fingers enter and exit you.

You were so distracted by his fingers, you barely noticed his cock probing at your pussy before it slid into you entirely.

You really couldn't help the mess you made of the kitchen counter. When he pushed into you, he used his free hand to lift your leg slightly, and inadvertently pushed your clit into the edge of the kitchen counter. With every thrust of fingers and hips, you ground into the edge, pussy flooding with juices as you were stimulated on all fronts.

You almost begged him to play with your nipples as well, just to see what the experience would feel like, how hard you could cum when every area of your body was being bombarded with pleasure.

As it was, the cock and handcuffs probably would've been enough. But you felt the shame of your arousal dripping down your leg, piddling at your feet. You heard him questioning which part of the experience it was that had led to you being such a desperate slut.

Was it his cock? Was it the fingers in your ass? Was it the handcuffs? Was it the fact that you were still imagining him doing exactly this to another woman while you watched on?

You didn't know, and he didn't degrade you further by asking.

His hand gripped your hair again, pulling you back harshly so your back arched, and your clit painfully pushed down into the edge of the counter.

With a scream - a loud, sudden, uncontrollable thing - you came, letting loose a torrent of cum down your leg.

Still, he kept thrusting, but he let go of his previous vow of silence.

“You are such a cheap whore, aren't you?” He said, removing his finger from your ass, hands gently gripping your hips as he pulled your ass cheeks, inspecting how far he'd stretched you, how much your hole gaped open.

“You've been so jealous that I wasn't tossing you around all this time. My cock could've been buried inside someone else, and you'd have enjoyed that. Wouldn't you?”

You could only moan in response, too scared to confirm or deny. You wanted more.

“You know, Y/N,” he started, leaning down to your ear again, squishing you painfully against the hard counter. “Cheap whores don't deserve cream pies.”

Just as you approached another climax, he pulled out of you, letting you crumple to the floor without his weight counterbalancing your own.

Then he hooked a finger under your jaw and lifted your head up. He barely managed to grunt out “close your eyes” before his cum was shooting out over your face.

“Fuck, I'm sorry, I love you… I love you, I love you, I love you, I love-”

Your lips parted in shock as a spurt hit your chin, your eyes. It was even in your hair. He aimed after that and managed to get a good amount of it on your tongue as you grimaced away from his hold.

But his hands held you still, and you swallowed it, even wiping the spurts from your cheek and eyes and licking off your hands as you cleaned up.

When he was finished, Spencer let you go and leaned back against the kitchen counter. When you could open your eyes again, you stared up at him in shock before collapsing down and laying on the cold floor of your kitchen, chest heaving.

“I knew…. I knew it would be more…” you said, unable to find the words to describe the deeds you'd just done.

“But I wasn't expecting… most of that.”

“I'm so-”

“Do not fucking apologise,” you demanded, pointing a stern finger at him as he pulled himself together.

“Next time you bring flowers home, I'm going to be expecting that as a follow up,” you laughed, letting him help you off the floor and release you from your constraints.

“So,” he said, playing with the cuffs as he gave you an awkward, straight smile. “Bondage, huh?”

You burst into laughter as you grabbed him by the tie and pulled him all the way to the bathroom.

“By the way,” you said, beginning to strip yourself off, distracted only by your attempts to strip him off as well. “You're cleaning the kitchen after we're done.”

[wolvietxt]

𝖻𝗎𝖼𝗄𝗒 𝖻𝖺𝗋𝗇𝖾𝗌 𝗌𝖿𝗐 𝖺𝗅𝗉𝗁𝖺𝖻𝖾𝗍!

pairing : bucky barnes x reader warnings : fluff, light angst, food mentions, a bit of hurt / comfort wc : under 4k a/n : i know it doesn’t seem like a whole lot of writing but i spent forever on this + i’m pretty sure it’s the longest thing i’ve written so far, i know most people are following me just for logan content but if you could show this some love i’d be super grateful 🥹🥹

𝓐 = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

bucky’s affection is subtle but constant. he’s not one for over the top pda, but when it’s just the two of you, he’s a lot softer! his touches are always gentle, whether it’s a hand resting on your lower back or his arm draped over your shoulders. he tends to show affection in protective ways - standing close to you in a crowded room, guiding you with a touch, or holding you just a liiiittle tighter when you’re alone together. he’s affectionate in a way that feels natural, like it’s second nature for him to be close to you. bucky also has a habit of absentmindedly tracing little patterns on your skin, like he’s memorising every detail of you without even realising it :3

𝓑 = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend? how would the friendship start?)

as a best friend, he’s the kind of guy who always has your back, no matter what. he’s loyal to a fault, and once you’re in his circle, he’s there for life. he’s not overly talkative, but when he does speak, you know he means every word. he’s the type to show up at your place without being asked, bringing over takeout just because he thought you might need company :) your friendship probably started in a quiet way - maybe you shared a moment of mutual understanding or just happened to click over something small. but once you’re close, he’ll look out for you in ways you might not even notice, like remembering your favourite things or checking in when you seem off! with bucky, actions speak louder than words, and he’ll always be there when you need him, even if it’s just to sit in a comfortable silence!

𝓒 = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

bucky isn’t the type to openly admit he loves cuddling, but when he gets the chance, he’s all in. he likes being close to you, especially after a long day when everything’s quiet and he can finally relax. he’s a bit awkward at first, unsure of how to position himself, but once he gets more comfortable with you, he’s never letting go. his favourite way to cuddle is with you lying on his chest, his arms wrapped protectively around you. it’s in these moments he feels the most at peace, your steady breathing calming him down. he loves when you sit on his lap too! curl up into him on a movie night and he’s a goner :3 he likes it especially when you’re forward facing, so he has easy access to press his lips softly against your neck! he’s def the kind of guy who enjoys the quiet intimacy of it - just having you close is enough to ground him.

𝓓 = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

bucky never thought he’d have a shot at settling down, not after everything he’s been through, but with you, he starts to dream about it. he’s a bit clumsy with domestic tasks at first - cooking is a challenge, and his cleaning skills leave much to be desired. but he tries!! if you teach him, he’ll pay close attention, wanting to get it just right for you :3 the idea of a quiet life with you, sharing a home and building something real, is one that warms him more than he ever expected. he imagines lazy mornings in bed, cooking breakfast together, and nights spent in each other’s arms. for him, domesticity is about creating a safe space, somewhere you both belong💕

𝓔 = ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

bucky would never break things off unless he thought it was absolutely necessary. he’s fiercely loyal, but if it came to that, he’d be honest with you. he wouldn’t sugarcoat it or try to make excuses; he’d sit you down and tell you the truth, even though it would hurt him more than he could ever let on. he’s not one to drag things out or be cruel, but he would want to make sure you understood his reasons. even in a breakup, he would still care deeply about your well being, wanting to make sure you were okay, even if you weren’t together anymore.

𝓕 = fiancé(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

bucky is surprisingly traditional (ok fine it’s not surprising) when it comes to commitment. once he’s sure of his feelings for you, he’s all in. he might take his time getting to the point of proposing, needing to feel certain that you’re ready for that step, but once he makes the decision, he’s committed for life. marriage isn’t something he takes lightly; it’s sacred to him. he proposes in a quiet, meaningful way, somewhere that holds sentimental value for both of you. when he thinks about marriage, he envisions you, and a partnership built on trust and love, which you two already share a whole lot of :3

𝓖 = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

bucky is incredibly gentle, especially with you!! he’s seen the worst of the world, so when it comes to you, he’s all softness. physically, his touch is always careful, like he’s afraid he might break you, even though he knows you’re stronger than that. emotionally, he’s patient, always giving you the space to express yourself. he listens without interrupting, offering quiet support when you need it. bucky’s gentleness is one of his most surprising traits, given his tough exterior, but it’s a core part of who he is when it comes to you. he’ll hold your hand, stroke your hair, and whisper words of reassurance whenever you need them.

𝓗 = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

bucky is a hugger, but only when it’s with you! his hugs are warm, strong, and make you feel like nothing in the world can touch you. he tends to hug you from behind when you’re busy, slipping his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder. his hugs are a way for him to ground himself, a reminder that you’re here, that you’re real. he doesn’t do it too often in public, preferring to keep those moments private, but when you’re alone, he’ll pull you close as much as possible. his hugs are always full of emotion, like he’s trying to tell you without words how much you mean to him.

𝓘 = i love you (how fast do they say the l-word?)

bucky takes his time before saying “i love you.” it’s not that he doesn’t feel it - it’s more that he wants to be absolutely sure before he says those words. he’s careful with his emotions, wanting everything to be genuine. when he finally does say it, it’s in a quiet, heartfelt moment, when it feels like the most natural thing in the world. once he says it, though, it becomes something he can’t stop saying. he’ll whisper it to you when you’re drifting off to sleep or in those little moments where it’s just the two of you, always wanting to remind you how much you mean to him :3

𝓙 = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

bucky doesn’t get jealous easily, but when he does, it’s because he cares so deeply about you. he trusts you completely, but sometimes, old insecurities creep in. when he feels jealous, he tries to play it cool, but you can tell by the way he clenches his jaw or tightens his grip on your hand. he won’t lash out or start an argument; instead, he’ll pull you a little closer, reminding himself that you’re his and he’s yours. once he’s calmed down, he’ll be honest with you about how he felt, trusting that you’ll understand.

𝓚 = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

bucky’s kisses are sweet, slow, and full of emotion!! he likes to take his time, savouring the moment. he loves kissing your forehead, your hands, your lips - anywhere he can to show you how much he adores you. his favourite place to kiss you is on the tip of your nose, especially when he’s trying to be playful. as for where he likes to be kissed, he’s not too picky. anywhere you kiss him is perfect, but he does have a soft spot for when you kiss his cheek or jaw, places that remind him he’s human and loved. he’s also an absolute sucker for when you bombard him with kisses! sometimes he gets home late and tries to quietly slip into bed to make sure he doesn’t wake you, and he’s met with your arms pulling him down to your level, before swinging your legs over his and rolling on top of him, pressing your lips to his as quick as you can :3 

𝓛 = little ones (how are they around children?)

bucky is surprisingly good with kids, though he’d never admit it outright. he’s patient with them, even when they’re being loud or hyperactive. he understands firsthand how important it is to be a good role model, and when he’s around children, he’s calm, steady, and always willing to listen to them. at first, he might be unsure, not knowing how to interact, but once he gets comfortable, he’s the one entertaining them, telling stories or playing games. there’s something about their innocence that touches him, and he’s always careful to make sure they feel safe and happy. around your kids - if you ever have any - he would be a doting, protective father, giving them the best version of himself because he’d never want them to see the darker sides of his past.

𝓜 = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

mornings with bucky are quiet and slow. he’s not a morning person by any means, so you usually wake up first. he’s the kind to groggily pull you back into bed if you try to get up, mumbling something about five more minutes. eventually, when he does wake up, it’s with a soft kiss pressed to your forehead, his hand brushing the hair from your face. mornings are usually spent in comfortable silence - him making coffee while you fix something to eat. there’s no rush; it’s a peaceful time for both of you, where everything feels normal, like you’ve both found a safe space in each other. bucky loves these moments more than he’ll ever admit, when it’s just you and him, the world outside feeling far away💞

𝓝 = night (how are nights spent with them?)

nights with bucky are your favourite. he’s not always home too early but when he is you two always have the best time! after a long day, he always looks forward to spending time with you, whether it’s watching a movie, cooking dinner, or just sitting together on the couch. he tends to unwind slowly, needing time to process everything before fully relaxing, but once he’s settled in with you, he’s content. he loves lying in bed with you, your head on his chest, his fingers tracing idle patterns on your skin. there’s something about the quiet of the night that brings out a more vulnerable side of him, and he’ll often open up about things he wouldn’t during the day. nights are when he’s the most at ease, the most open with you, and he’ll hold you close until you both drift off to sleep :3

𝓞 = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

bucky takes a long time to open up, not because he doesn’t trust you, but because he’s afraid of burdening you with his past. he reveals things slowly, piece by piece, testing the waters to see how you’ll react. it’s not that he wants to hide anything from you; it’s more that he’s spent so long carrying these things on his own, it’s hard for him to share. over time, as your relationship grows stronger, and he sees how much you care for him, he’ll start sharing more - quiet confessions in the middle of the night, or little stories about his life before everything changed. when he does open up, he’s raw and honest, trusting you with the parts of himself he’s kept hidden for so long.

𝓟 = patience (how easily angered are they?)

bucky has a lot of patience, especially when it comes to you. he’s been through enough to know that getting angry doesn’t solve anything, and he works hard to keep his temper in check. that doesn’t mean he never gets frustrated - he’s human, after all - but when he does, he usually takes a step back, gives himself a moment to cool down before reacting. he’s especially patient when you’re upset, never pushing you to talk before you’re ready, always offering a calm presence when you need it. if he does get angry, it’s usually because he’s worried about you or feels like someone’s putting you in harm’s way. but even then, he tries to handle things calmly, knowing that losing his temper won’t help either of you. he’s very considerate toward you, and will always take into account how you’re feeling or what kind of day you’ve had before he tries to talk to you about anything too heavy.

𝓠 = quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

bucky has an incredible memory, especially when it comes to you. he’s definitely more of a listener than a talker, and he often doesn’t even appear like he’s listening, but you know he always is, because he’s so awesome at gift giving! he often remembers times you spoke about wanting things that even you yourself have no recollection of! he remembers the little things you mention in passing - your favourite coffee order, the song that always makes you smile, the way you like your pillows fluffed. it’s not that he makes a conscious effort to remember; it’s just that everything about you sticks with him. he pays attention to the details because he knows they’re important, and he wants to make you feel seen and loved in every way possible, because that’s how you make him feel :3 he’ll surprise you sometimes, bringing up something you mentioned months ago, or doing something thoughtful just because he remembered you liked it💞

𝓡 = remember (what is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

bucky’s favourite moment in your relationship is the first time he realised he was in love with you☹️ it wasn’t a grand gesture or a big event - it was something small, like the way you laughed at one of his jokes or the way you looked at him when you thought he wasn’t paying attention. in that moment, everything just clicked for him. he realised how much you meant to him, how much he wanted you to be a part of his life, and he’s held onto that moment ever since. it’s one of those memories he goes back to whenever he’s feeling down, a reminder of how you’ve changed his life so much for the better.

𝓢 = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

bucky is incredibly protective, sometimes without even realising it. he’ll stand between you and danger without hesitation, his instincts kicking in whenever he senses a threat. but his protectiveness isn’t overbearing; he respects your independence and knows you can take care of yourself. still, he likes to be there, just in case. he’ll walk you home, keep an eye on you in crowded places, and make sure you’re always safe. when it comes to being protected, bucky has a harder time accepting help. he’s used to being the protector, so it takes him a while to let you take care of him. but when you do, in small ways - like making sure he’s eating properly or reminding him to rest - he’s grateful in ways he can’t always put into words :3

𝓣 = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

bucky may not always get things perfect, but he tries his hardest when it comes to you. whether it’s planning a date or picking out a gift, he puts thought into everything he does for you. anniversaries are especially important to him, and he’ll go out of his way to make them special - whether it’s cooking your favourite meal or taking you to a place that means something to both of you. even in everyday tasks, bucky puts in the effort. he’ll help out around the house, do little things to make your life easier, and always try to make you feel appreciated. it’s never about grand gestures for him; it’s the small, thoughtful things that show how much he cares. i am a firm believer in his sentimentality!!

𝓤 = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

bucky has a few bad habits that he struggles with, though he tries his absolute hardest to keep them in check☹️ one of the biggest ones is his tendency to close himself off emotionally when he’s overwhelmed. instead of talking about what’s bothering him, he’ll retreat into himself, shutting down and avoiding any conversations about his feelings. it’s not that he doesn’t trust you; he’s just used to dealing with things on his own, and old habits die hard. another bad habit is his overprotectiveness - sometimes he gets so worried about your safety that he forgets you can handle yourself. he doesn’t mean to smother you, but it can be a lot at times. he’s also a bit of a workaholic, pushing himself too hard and forgetting to take care of himself, especially when it comes to sleep. however, overtime you’ve been helping him a whole lot. he finds that sleep comes so much easier to him when he’s by your side, he rarely has nightmares anymore, and when he does, you’re always there to soothe him. you’re trying to help him to open up more but he struggles with it sometimes :( he’s been through so much, and it weighs heavy on his conscience. but, he’s getting better at it, slowly but surely!

𝓥 = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

bucky isn’t overly concerned with his looks, though he’s aware of how people perceive him. he knows he’s attractive - he’s heard enough comments over the years to figure that out - but he doesn’t dwell on it. he’s more focused on staying fit and strong for his missions and protecting you, rather than on how he looks. if anything, he’s a bit self-conscious about his metal arm, always worried that it might make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, though he’d never admit it. he does take care of himself, though, making sure he’s clean-shaven (unless you prefer him with a little bit of stubble) and well-groomed, mostly because he wants to look good for you. but vanity isn’t really something that crosses his mind often; he’s more about how he makes you feel rather than how he looks. he knows you love him for much more than his face and body, just as he does for you!

𝓦 = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

bucky would absolutely feel incomplete without you, though he’d struggle to admit it out loud☹️ before you, he was just getting by, dealing with his past and trying to figure out where he fit in the world. but after meeting you, everything changed. you brought light into his life, made him feel human again, and gave him something to hold onto. without you, he’d feel like he was missing a piece of himself, like the world was a little darker and less hopeful. he’d try to carry on, but it wouldn’t be the same. you’ve become a part of him, and the thought of losing you is something he doesn’t even want to consider.

𝓧 = xtra (a random headcanon for them)

bucky secretly loves baking, though he’d be embarrassed if anyone found out. it’s something he picked up while trying to distract himself from his nightmares, a quiet activity that helped him focus on something positive. at first, he was terrible at it - burnt cookies, flat cakes - but over time, he got better. now, whenever he’s stressed or has a lot on his mind, you’ll find him in the kitchen, mixing ingredients and focusing on the task at hand. he doesn’t bake often, but when he does, he makes sure to surprise you with something special - your favourite cookies or a warm loaf of bread. it’s his way of showing affection in a quiet, thoughtful way! and you definitely think it’s the cutest thing ever, much to his embarrassment!

𝓨 = yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

bucky can’t stand dishonesty, especially after everything he’s been through. he values honesty and transparency in a relationship, and even though it’s hard for him to open up, he expects the same level of trust from his partner. he also dislikes people who are overly judgmental, especially when it comes to his past. he knows he’s made mistakes, but he’s working hard to be a better person, and he needs someone who can accept him for who he is now, not who he used to be. in general, he’s not a fan of loud, crowded places, preferring quiet, intimate settings where he can relax and be himself☺️

𝓩 = zzz (what is a sleep habit of theirs?)

bucky has trouble sleeping, though it’s gotten better since you came into his life. before, his nights were filled with nightmares and restless tossing and turning, but now, with you by his side, he finds it easier to drift off. he still has bad nights, but when he does, he usually pulls you closer, burying his face in your neck or wrapping his arm around your waist. your presence is comforting to him, grounding him in the present and helping him feel safe. he tends to sleep lightly, always half-alert, but when he’s truly relaxed, he’ll sleep deeply, his breathing steady and calm, holding you close the entire night💞

general taglist : @coocoocachewgotscrewed, @k1t-k4ts, @icurushasfallen, @eddxemxnson, @nickiinator

@chamomile-tea420, @rooroen, @spitfy, @cannon-writes, @platinumblondeedition

@cloudcandyala, @v3lv3tf0x, @california-boys-and-sun, @harleyyquinnsgf, @lemoanaid

@notacleangirl, @jabberwokee, @aetherthetrashpanda, @schrodingersjigsaw, @sylaswrites

@t0mmy-th3-gh0st, @correnz, @fvhs-things, @kallmeweirdhprroe, @dugiioh

@thugbiscuits, @rosiahills22, @cassehtwah, @whxtewolf, @mystcrium,

@bluevclvet, @angellreads, @babey-fruit-bat

[mulderscully]

been thinking about the x-files place in media and how the show, and mulder and scully’s relationship influences how tv is created. i think any show that is a police procedural with the skeptic/believer dynamic is genuinely inspired mulder and scully. i’m talking about bones, castle, and lucifer among many others.

i enjoy this dynamic but have been wondering why, aside from lacking david and gillian’s chemistry, these shows and ships cannot capture what the x-files and msr did so effortlessly.

i’ve come to a few conclusions.

first: the msr dynamic is misunderstood. people think that this dynamic is man is an annoying manchild and woman puts up with him. the msr dynamic is not that. not really.

mulder is, at his core, a deeply traumatized person on a mission to find his sister who was abducted by aliens. he becomes blinded by his mission, but he is highly intelligent and accomplished on his own. scully is also highly intelligent and accomplished, and they see that about each other in very first scene that meet. there is immediate respect between them, which is VITAL.

i think a lot of modern media thinks that the man has to be kind of an actual idiot (or overly sexual in his advances) at first and the woman has to help him “grow up” when that is not the case with mulder and scully at all. mulder and scully challenge each other’s world views and beliefs and help each other become the fullest versions of themselves, which is not always easy. but it is always with fundamental respect and true friendship. if mulder becomes a more mature and serious person because of scully it’s because of her influence on him, just how he influenced her to have the courage to open herself up to belief in the unknown.

and mulder and scully’s “slow burn” is so iconic because their moments of flirtation and intimacy early on is subtle. but it is there. mulder doesn’t have to ask to see scully’s tits for us to know he wants to. (but it’s a hell of a long time til he does.)

and, unlike instances with caskett and deckerstar - they are not “forced” or tricked to work together, they choose to. they actually refuse to be pulled apart because together, they will find what they’re looking for

which brings me to my next point! i think something a lot of shows don’t do is give a real reason for the copaganda other than it just being copaganda, especially a fantasy show like lucifer. on the x-files, mulder and scully are fbi agents- but them working for the fbi serves for the plot as a way for them to gain access to government secrets and lies by working from within. in a lot of ways, it is a criticism of the fbi and the government at large. mulder and scully are fbi agents because of their mission, their mission is NOT to be fbi agents.

[matan4il]

OMG!! That Buddie challenge was so unfair but I want to play now.

First if I could only choose one I would probably pick the shooting only for the fact that their relationship had progressed so much further at that point. Especially because it came after Carla telling Eddie to follow his heart and Eddie being jealous of Taylor in Treasure Hunt.

But now how about a non Canon thing we haven't seen but all guess could have happened.

1. Would you rather get flashbacks of quarantine where we got confirmation that Buck and Eddie shared a bed. See them facetiming Chris. Scared talks falling asleep. Bickering with Hen and Chim. Hen and Chim rolling their eyes at how they are obviously already married.

2. To know for sure Buck was the one that crashed with them for a bit after Eddie was shot. Helping take care of him, maybe helping him shave. Eddie being stubborn about pain pills and independent and Buck rolling his eyes fondly at him.

For the record I am currently in an arm sling and luckily my husband is around to help with the kids. I can't do anything. He has to dry and pony tail my hair for me. I just always really felt strongly it was Buck who stayed not Anna.

Hi Nonnie! :D

Thank you for sharing your two cents to this ask, I love it! You make great points. I’m open to hearing other people’s choice as well! XD

Holy shit, but you chose violence with your challenge! lol I was reading number 1 and was ready to choose that, no questions asked, then you bombarded me with option #2 which is SO delicious as well. I might just still go with the former, because I love the idea of Buddie as roommates so much, but with Hen and Chim right there, it would show exactly how Buddie are MORE than just two guys who happened to share the same apartment until they don’t anymore (like Buck and Chim were for a brief moment in 210), plus with four people there, Buddie most likely were bedmates as well, and just imagine the palpable sexual tension every night when they go to sleep, stiff with the effort not to touch each other too much, not to let the other guy’s warmth sink into their bones, to stop themselves from recognizing how good it felt... how much they would crave it once it’s gone.

But yeah, it’s not an easy choice, because as you said, the intimacy of being physically taken care of by the person who’s your better half even if neither one of you has admitted it yet is quite breathtaking, too. And I agree with you, given how badly Eddie wanted to get away from Ana, no way he let her do those things for him. Even the subtle commitment implied by her staying with him to help - if that were to happen, I’m sure it would have triggered Eddie’s panic attacks at a much earlier point! So whether Buck stayed with the Diaz boys in order to help or whether he stayed in his own place, I have no doubt he was the one who was there to do all those little things for Eddie.

OMG, Nonnie! I hope you’re doing okay, and I’m so glad your husband is helping! Please take care of yourself! And thank you again! xoxox

(and as always, if anyone’s looking for it, here is my ask tag! xoxox)

[jesswritesthat]

omg hi i know this request sounds a bit hefty but hear me out: you’ve got y/n, and you’ve got her twin. they’re both exchange students but their school somehow messed up the application or there wasn’t enough space in one school whatever, so one of them ends up in nekoma and the other in shiratorizawa. then, they each decide to be the managers of that school’s respective teams. and then when training camp comes up, they finally meet each other again and are happy to be together but the rest of the teams are SHOOK (including their own maybe 👀👀) bc they didn’t tell their teams they had a twin. bonus points, inarizaki is there and the miya twins try to flirt w them (ships are up to you bc tbh anything sounds fun asf, idk i’ve had this idea in my head for so long IM AN ONLY CHILD I DONT EVEN HAVE A TWIN FKDKSKSKS) idk if you wanna just do headcannons go for it babes it’s a lot i know lmaooo

This is genius!! Omg, I’m not a twin either but I’m VIBING with this idea — I did headcanons because there was so muuchhh. I hope you like 💕

(T/n) = twins (first) name

>>>>—————————>

(L/n) Twins going to seperate schools and reuniting during a Shiratorizawa vs Nekoma practice match and Nationals:

• Due to unfortunate circumstances, (L/n) (T/n) had gotten into Shiratorizawa however, her twin sister (L/n) (Y/n) had to attend another school - luckily Nekoma had last minute vacancies.

• You stayed in Tokyo whilst your twin lived in the Shiratorizawa Dorms, it made seeing each other tricky but you always had video chats and since you were identical, it was easy to sneak into the dorms and stay for the weekend.

• You both loved Volleyball and had looked into your respective teams, (T/n) having the more famous one begrudgingly but being siblings... things got competitive.

“I’m going to become the manager of Shiratorizawa and I’m gonna take them to Nationals~” Was your twins cheery statement, whilst you playfully taunted her.

“Hah, more like they’ll take you, if I join Nekoma I’ll actually be useful.”

“No way - I’m a better manager than you (Y/n)!”

“Oh yeah?! Bring it on (T/n)! I’ll see you at Nationals - if you make it!” Thus, the challenge had begun.

• Nekoma and yourself had bonded, you’d heard the same about (T/n) and Shiratorizawa, it was like fate had gifted you your perfect matches in the end. Even if it meant being separated.

• It was around your second year with them that you’d heard about Karasuno, the once- upon-a-time rivals of Nekoma and how they’d organised a practice game with them over in Miyagi.

• You’d be playing other teams in the district to make it more beneficial... which is where your scheming came in.

“Hey, Tetsurō Senpai...”

“What do you want, you’re only ever so cute when you want something from me.”

“That’s not true! (Y/n)-chan is cute all of the time!” Yamamoto playfully punched his Captains shoulder, the latter reluctantly agreeing with a flush before clearing his throat and gesturing for you to continue.

“Think we could play Shiratorizawa whilst we’re over in Miyagi?”

“I’ll talk to Coach Nekomata and see what I can do, no promises though (Y/n).” Kuroo would do his best, you knew he tried for those he cared about, especially his team.

• It was no surprise then, that within 3 days you’d received a call from your twin.

“You’re coming to challenge me and my team (Y/n)?” The excitement in her voice, as well as that in yours was clear.

“You can thank Kuroo for that — you’ll finally get to meet my team!”

“And you mine! Tendō and Ushijima are incredible, I love them.” You’d spoken of respective players, shared stories and felt like you already knew part of each other’s teams despite never meeting them.

“Yes! I can’t wait - Lev isn’t coming with us, but Kenma and Yaku more than make up for it!”

“Lev is that first year you told me about right? I hope you’re ready to lose (Y/n), Goshiki is talented as hell.”

“And Nekoma is a unified machine, you’ll need a tissue to wipe away your loser tears~”

—

• Fast forward to the training trip, and the second you walk into Shiratorizawa you and your twin immediately rush over to each other, a collision of hugs, screams and excited conversation exchanged amidst the suddenly silent room.

• Tendō is the one to separate you both, guiding you to stand side by side as he leans in to inspect you both with a finger on his chin.

“Well well well, seems our Chibi-chan has a Chibi-chan 2.0~”

Ushijima doesn’t seem all that phased by the phenomenon, meanwhile Shirabu had to restrain the awed interrogation of Goshiki.

• Nekoma weren’t quite as calm, immediately Tendō hopped out of the way as Yamamoto tackled you, gawking between you and (T/n) whilst Inuoka attempted to null his yells.

“(Y/n)?! THERES TWO OF YOU?! DOUBLE THE BEAUTY!”

“Aw he’s cute, my team are never so nice to me.” (T/n) tutted, a subtle glare sent to Shiratorizawa - Satori being the one to stick his tongue out.

“Trust me, Yamamoto is the only one.” Cue your mirroring glare sent to a scheming Kuroo, whilst Nekomas Ace is still gushing over the two of you.

• The teams are moderately amused once the game starts as the main smack-talkers are you and (T/n) hollering over the court as you’d reached the Third Set at a tie. Friendships between both teams were formed due to your family relations.

• It’s not until the game is over and the Captains shake hands whilst you two hug it out with congratulatory words and playful insults that they start messing around again.

“C’mon (Y/n), we’ve gotta go~” Kuroo smugly states, purposefully slinging an arm around (T/n)s’ shoulders and guiding her out.

Before you had the chance to retaliate, Tendō gladly joined in.

“The Cat Captain is right, I’ve missed my little kitten anyway~” The redhead cheerfully gave you a high ten, intertwining your fingers in the process adding intimacy and offered a mischievous wink which you only laugh at.

• Nekoma are freaking out, that’s their manager and they’d know if you had a boyfriend, right? Yaku and Kai are quick to hold back Yamamoto with Kuroo suddenly sweeping you away from Satori since Ushijima had already reclaimed (T/n).

“That’s our kitten- ah manager.”

“And (T/n) is ours, but I look forward to seeing you at Nationals Nekoma.” The Captains bid one another farewell and you can only hope to play your twins’ team again.

—

• Shiratorizawa didn’t make it to Nationals (since Karasuno beat them) but (T/n) wanted to come and support you (bitterly). Ushijima came with her too since he’s the Captain and wanted to keep you two out of trouble. Plus he loves Volleyball.

• It’s when you’re checking the matchups do you encounter your beloved rivals, whilst Nekoma were distracted you went to scope out the area. ‘Luckily’ for you, you bumped into other competitors, the blonde ‘accidentally’ tripping.

“Woah, are you okay-“ Before you could finish, he’d interrupted all suave.

“Yeah, I just fell for ya that’s all~“

“-send me a postcard next time~”

There was a moment of silence, you impressed by the smoothness and him awed by the sheer sarcasm.

• The boy introduced himself as Miya Atsumu, Inaruzakis Setter and took note of your Nekoma jacket, asking you to watch him play if you got the chance. Especially if you become opponents.

• Bidding farewell, you found (T/n) with a bright smile upon her face, Onigiri in hand.

“The games haven’t even started and you’re eating.” Was your bemused observation, your twin scoffing with an innocent pout.

“I was hungry, and this cute player from Inarizki recommended the teriyaki Onigiri here so I brought some, wanna try?” (T/n) justified, showing the item to you.

“I met an Inarizaki player too, and I’m too nervous to eat but thanks (T/n).”

“Suit yourself, good luck and I’ll look for you later.” She rejoined Ushijima, the pair waving as you met up with Nekoma.

• It isn’t until after the first round beating Kiyokawa High School, before the Karasuno vs Inarizaki game that you’d encounter the Miyas again — or rather Atsumu approached (T/n).

“Yer scoping out the competition huh gorgeous? I don’t blame ya (L/n), ‘Samu and I are the best of the best.” The blonde proudly told (T/n), thinking you’d shed your Nekoma jacket to be inconspicuous.

“I— I don’t even know you? Wait, how do you know my name?!”

• Osamu meets the pair, and actually thinks it through, Atsumu on the other hand jumps to conclusions.

“We just saw eac-“ Hearing (T/n), Atsumu was quick to argue but Osamu kicked his calve.

“Shut it dumbass.”

“Hey, loser twin!” You called over, gaining the attention of her and the Miya Twins.

“Ah... ‘Samu there’s two of them...”

“That’s what I was gonna tell ya.”

• It must’ve been a twin instinct (twinstinct hehe) but yourself and Osamu could tell the individual differences/quirks immediately, hence how he’d figured it out so quickly. A mutual smile was shared as your respective twins continued their petty insults.

• “(T/n)! Ushijima is looking for you and I need to find Kuroo so...”

“Oh, yer boyfriends?”

“Uh - aha -no no, our Captains.” Your twin managed, flustered and embarrassed - you were glad she’d spoken because you were no better with the heat on your skin.

“Perfect, tell your Captains’ that we’re not sorry for keeping you~” Atsumu shouted as you both waved goodbye and headed back to the stands/courts.

• Nekoma won against Sarukawa Tech High, your next opponents currently battling it out on the court which you’d all raced to see - mainly for Karasuno.

But it was during the break after the first set that the twins approached the stands, well, you.

“(Y/n), ya won?” It was brave of Osamu to address you so casually but you didn’t mind.

“Of course, my team, my friends, are truly amazing. Our next opponent is either Karasuno or you.”

“You’ll be facing me- us- Inarizaki! Don’t you worry sweetheart.” It seemed whatever suaveness Atsumu once had was long gone by now.

• They played incredibly, but the entirety of Nekoma were glad of Karasunos’ victory, you’d taken a second to see the twins though.

“You were amazing, I’m grateful I got to see you both play. Looks like you won’t be facing me after all, sweetheart~”

“Yeah well- I— jus’ watch yer back next year beautiful. I’m comin’ for ya.”

“OHO! NOT ON MY WATCH PRETTY BOYS!”

“Yamamoto! Apologies for him.” Yaku forced the Mohawk to bow, Kuroo slipping an arm around your waist with a smirk. “But he’s not wrong.”

—

• You were staying with (T/n) for the weekend, utilising Shiratorizawas practice break to tell the tale of the Miyas and their flirting. The team were oddly protective over the both of you, but you hadn’t the time to question it with Goshikis inquiry.

“Okay, so if you two had children with the Miya twins respectively... would your children be identical?”

“...”

“...”

“We won’t have to find out.” If anyone else had said it you wouldn’t have believed them, but something about the certainty of Wakatoshi made you both smile.

<——————————<<<<

[ Masterlist ]

[k-s-morgan]

When Will asks Alana ‘save Hannibal from me or for you?’ after she tells him to stay away from Hannibal doesn’t that show that Will knew or at least suspected that Hannibal was in love and wanted to be with him?

and Alana knew that too so that’s why she’s warning him off Hannibal? I interpreted Will’s “save him for you” as “I won’t date him so you can carry on dating him even though you know it’s me he loves”.

I know she was also talking about the destructive aspect of their relationship but that dialogue was smthing out of a rom-com, where the girl who knows the boy she’s dating is in love with another girl and she goes to tell her off 😂

Will is just as possessive towards Hannibal as Hannibal is towards him and that line shows that (IMO)

IMO by the end of S2 Will was already in love with Hannibal and he must have known Hannibal loved him too at least subconsciously?

Oh, Will definitely knew by the end of S2 that Hannibal lvoes him! I think his subconscious was trying to tell him this throughout all season, but it became especially loud by the middle of it.

At first, when he's still in prison, Will seems increasingly confused by Hannibal. He knows Hannibal betrayed and set him up, and yet he also feels like Hannibal is being genuine when he talks about their friendship. He sees how Hannibal tries to protect him during the trial; he listens to how Hannibal urges him to use the available defense and mentions how he doesn't want Will to be in prison. As a result, Will's mind gives him a dream where one version of Hannibal is letting him out of his cell while the other one is trying to lock him back in.

After Hannibal does free him, Will has a dream where Hannibal calls him a beloved repeatedly, talking about love and his definition of it. So, Will might be confused here still, but the knowledge that Hannibal loves him and wants him to Become is there.

During the conversation about "imago", "loved one," and "an ideal", Will also understands it's about him, and when he sees Abigail and realizes that Hannibal really wanted a family with him, this knowledge becomes very solid. We can see its echoes throughout the first few episodes of S3.

As for his own feelings... With Will, it's difficult to say. I'm not sure he bothered to define any of it up until the very end of S3 - he seems to dislike labels in general. He knew he wants to be with Hannibal, he knew he hates the idea of being replaced, he knew he wnats to be Hannibal's priority, but whether he called it being in love... Probably not. I agree with Hugh Dancy in that Will applied these words only after asking Bedelia if Hannibal is in love with him.

Now, as for that scene with Alana: in E7, I think they are talking about only the physical danger Will poses, with Will figuring out that Alana and Hannibal's relationship has taken on another level.

Alana: Are you going to try to hurt Hannibal again? Is he safe?

Since Alana's major problem was Will sending Matthew, I believe she's talking solely about the physical threat. After what happened, it's unlikely that she thinks Will and Hannibal might ever reunite.

Will: From me? Or for you?

Will is answering in a similar way: he acknowledges the physical threat he might pose and questions whether Alana is worried about Hannibal in general or if her concern is more personal.

But in E11? Oh yes, I fully agree with your take here. Alana has seen how Will and Hannibal act already, she noticed the glances, the tension, and the intimacy. Partly, it's about darkness, but it's also clearly about possessiveness.

Alana: I don't think Hannibal is good for you and I think your relationship is destructive.

Will: Hannibal's good enough for you!

This is definitely rom-com territory, just like that dinner they shared. I remember describing it before:

"Alana is disturbed after her meeting with Freddie and she tells Will and Hannibal about how strange they come across together . She adds that Freddie “sees what no one else sees”. Will doesn’t like to hear it because it hits too close to home. He almost throws a quick glance at Hannibal, as if for guidance, and then avoids looking at Alana as he asks, “And what is that?” After her reply (that according to Freddie, Will and Hannibal might be the killer everyone’s looking for), Will stares at Hannibal in grim, somewhat panicked wariness. He does feel guilty, and I’d say, it’s not just about his darkness. He’s guilty of the growing closeness and intimacy between them.

Will and Hannibal’s eyes meet, hold, and Will looks at Alana again. Eventually, he tries to push the negative attention to Freddie by comparing her to a psychopath. His initial tension is gone, he is looking at Alana in subtle amusement. She holds his gaze for quite long, and I assume she caught the challenge in his behavior because she outright says that “Freddie isn’t the only one without boundaries” as she continues staring at Will. This is likely a more romantic-colored tension — Alana is no longer concerned about the killers, and the way she targets Will in particular in front of Hannibal feels territorial to me. In fact, she stares at Will for so long that Hannibal finally reacts, and only then does she turn away. However, she then questions the nature of Will and Hannibal’s relationship by focusing on Will again. Note how she doesn’t look at Hannibal during this — no, she feels threatened by Will in particular. When she does glance at Hannibal, it’s at the word “enemy”, as if she’s reminding him that Will tried to kill him and thus cannot be trusted.

Will also stares at Hannibal now, the wary look is back. He’s waiting to hear what Hannibal says, and Hannibal defends their relationship by saying that “crossing boundaries is different from violating them.” He directly emphasizes that his and Will’s relationship, whatever it is, is mutual. Will turns to see Alana’s reaction. Alana is clearly displeased. Another long look at Will, and she refuses to give up by saying, “It’s just difficult to know where you are with each other,” her eyes going between Hannibal and Will, stopping at Will.

Will finally regains his voice properly, so he answers, “We know where we are with each other, Shouldn’t that be enough?” His smile at Alana is fake as hell and jerky. Hannibal is the one amused now, looking between them, first listening to Will’s reply very attentively and then turning to Alana, as if asking, “Well? What do you say now?” Alana says nothing and just goes on looking at them both.

This scene is really framed like a lover and a wife fighting over their man, with Hannibal in the middle of it."

[tundrainafrica]

the fact that people refuse that levi and han had a bond (even if it’s not romantic) is insane imo... like there’s the parallels between different relationships? and when you point them out there’s always someone who will say “eww don’t compare xx with levihan”

for example? ymir and historia??? there’s so many similarities, wanting to live for themselves, wanting to be together, the fact that one of them had to leave to protect the other one and they never got to tell each other how they felt? but the bond was there? the tall, more energetic one that wants to protect and show the short, seemingly jaded one that not everything has to be hopeless? their friendship? there’s no power imbalance, just pure love, understanding. they really loved each other...

oh and the bird with one wing, it’s as if han couldn’t fly anymore without levi (but i may be looking too much into it) and then levi fell too ahhh poetic cinema 😩 we’ve been getting a lot of hate recently...

This is like way up in my asks but a lot of it has been bothering me. I’ve seen a lot of antis on twitter denying Hange and Levi’s bond because lmao apparently what has been going on in 126 and 132 aren’t enough to make something canon. 

But as a fan, regardless of what antis say, regardless of what other shippers say I will stand by this ship, rain or shine, and I will fucking scream ‘LEVIHAN IS CANON.’ 

It just doesn’t make any sense really? Like what do people need for something to be canon? A gaudy verbal declaration of love? Love letters? Kissing? Fucking? 

I don’t believe we need a declaration of love to deem something canon. Yes, people won’t agree but the fact that we have been called delusional? Levihans on twitter have been called delusional for seeing canon on this? I didn’t just look at Levihan and the scenes in 126 and 132 and go ‘YUP ITS CANON,’ I actually did have a slow burn towards this because I just thought the way I see Levihan in canon is pretty much how I appreciate a lot of the relationships in real life. 

A lot of people wait for declarations of love, kissing, fucking, embracing and making out. Yes, those are conventional ways to prove that maybe those two can be together. But those types of bullshit are only as valuable or as meaningful as the subtle domestic actions that follow. We’ve seen relationships we deem canon before, then suddenly the guy cheats on the girl or the girl hits the guy or vice versa, or they just alternate between make ups and break ups until they get tired. So what? Do they still love each other? Even after allowing themselves through go through all that shit? 

I’ve never been in a relationship like that? I wouldn’t know what runs through people’s heads when they go through those? Stockholm? Hope that maybe their toxic lover will change for the better? I don’t know so I won’t comment about this. 

But I sincerely believe there is more to analyze, there is more to appreciate and there is more to emulate in a relationship grounded in mutual trust, bonds, and a relationship that has proven the test of time and challenges (aka Levi and Hange)

I don’t believe in kisses, sex scenes or verbal declarations of love. Just because those are the socially accepted ways to ‘show that love exists.’ They are inherently flawed proofs and evidences that there exists a relationship between people. And maybe the fact that these proofs are what people wait for before they something is canon, maybe that’s the reason why it’s so hard for people to recognize that people can have bonds without it? Maybe that’s why people figuring out they love someone is so hard? Because they wait for the urge to kiss or the urge to have sex? Or the urge to write a long ass love letter?

But really love and the drive to enter a committed relationship are so much deeper than intimacy and verbal declarations. Intimacy and Verbal Declarations are only as valuable as the intentions and the implicit messages that accompany them. 

I’ve never been a words person, I’ve always been an actions person and maybe that’s why I never did keep a lot of the old love letters and the old gifts people have given me. I don’t want verbal declarations of love or commitment, I want actions. Words are easy. Intimacy is easy. If people really meant it, they would constantly strive to change for the better. If people really meant it, they would hold their breath and listen even when they were angry. If people really meant it, they’d listen to feedback and constantly try to open up. 

If people really meant it, they’d stay true to commitments, acknowledge mistakes and constantly reach out of their comfort zone to make an effort to constantly improve. 

You know where I see love? Giving up your daily routine to save some extra cash so you can drop it for a partner who’s in need? You know what’s love? Changing how you go about your life, actively changing your bad habits so you can constantly be a better partner to the person you committed to. You know what’s love? Staying by someone’s side, completely trusting them and trying at least to know them like the back of your hand? 

You know what’s love? Actively abandoning your post to save your dying friend. 

And some people might go… This is just a ship. No, because personally how I ship is how I view relationships in real life.

I do not admire relationships  for their ability to display affection in public or their ability to write long letters to their loved ones. I admire relationships for their openness. I admire relationships where couples are able to keep their problems behind closed doors because they trust each other so well they can resolve everything together. I admire relationships where couples are complete opposites yet somehow manage to make things work because you know they made the effort to adopt microchanges to their personality to make that relationship work. 

I have friends in real life who are actively in a relationship, say they genuinely love their partner yet break up and make up every week. They call their partners such vile names when they’re angry, they fucking hurt each other yet a declaration of love every week somehow makes it okay. 

I have friends whose only proof they were ever together with their partners were the fact that they lived together, maybe co-owned five cats. And when I talk to them about their partners, they know everything about their partner from the back of their hand. “She wouldn’t do that. She won’t wake up that early.” They know each others habits and despite how different they are, they adjust. They have never said anything wrong about their partner. They have never talked shit about their partners to me. Sometimes, they would talk to me when they’re concerned or when they’re emotional, but they have never called their partner asshole, bitch, fucker in the heat of the moment. I have never heard them wish ill of their partner. 

BUT THEY HAVE NEVER PLAYED VICTIM. (And holy crap the amount of relationships I’ve seen where someone is willingly able to rant and say such horrifying things behind their partner behind their back is fucking terrifying. And the way they pull a 180 in public and around their partner?? That’s a relationship???  I have seen friends call their partners cruel and abusive, only for me to find out through message receipts that they’re both assholes.)

And I will live my whole life, advocating for relationships grounded in mutual bonds and a strive to grow with their partner, whether or not they have expressed the societally acknowledged, conventional romantic connotations of love or not. 

In the end, love is love. And love is manifested not in the romantic declarations of love but in the trust, sacrifice, the effort to change for the better, the commitment to stay with the person and grow with them. 

Love is abandoning one’s comfort zones. Love is staying by someone’s side, supporting them through the thick and thin. Love is supporting one another, keeping the dynamic balanced yet constantly moving. 

Love is facing life together and making sure the person you committed to, never feels alone or unloved. 

Do not reduce love and relationships to kisses and hugs and declarations of love.

And for the people who say, “Chill this is just a ship...” I ship because I believe in the dynamic and I believe in the depth that is hidden underneath the dynamic that was shown in the big screen. It’s the reflection of what I see in relationships in real life and it’s the model of what I’d want to see in my own relationships. 

So yes, please let the Levihans enjoy things thank you. 

[haifengg]

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) Lucas can’t really go without affection. He needs a smooch at least before he leaves the house or when he says goodbye on dates. He wants to be reminded that their S/O loves him and that he loves them. It’s as easy as this.

B = Before (What were they like when they had a crush?) Dude would try to impress. With bad jokes. With flexing his guns. He would always ask his crush if they want to come with him and the guys to do whatever. And if they agree he wouldn’t really be able to hide his excitement. It would light a spark of pure joy in his eyes. It would be very obvious really.

C = Confession (What was their confession like?) Regardless of his looks and height Lucas still is a very childish man and he’s not that old either. I would honestly go that far and say that during his life he wasn’t the one confessing often. He usually got confessed to. So when it is actually his turn he would probably get all shy around his crush and he maybe asked Kun for advice as well on how to tell them and what to say since he is not the very best with words.

D = Date (What was the first official date they went on?) I am guessing something cheesy. Lucas may or may not be a romantic person but being all nervous about fulfilling expectations and doing a solid job he would take their S/O out to go an amusement park. He is a child really and his sometimes subtle playfulness is probably what attracts his S/O to him as well.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) Please don’t come for me on this one but I recon he would choose a text. As I mentioned in section C = Confession I imagine him being this popular kid in school everyone had a crush on at least once a week. (We’ve all seen the pics he’s adorable.) That being said he maybe got too used to dumping people interested in him. I won’t say it is the same with his S/O as it was with high school sweethearts but he might just fall back into old patterns due to convenience. Breaking up would still hurt him and still be difficult.

F = Fights (What would fights look like? What are things that upset them?) Honestly: Fights with Lucas would be a pain mainly because he doesn’t see where he’s wrong or what the issue exactly is. He is a very loyal person once fully committed but maybe not the most understanding one.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) His emotional way is very gentle. His physical way in terms of hugs and holding hands is too. Simple mind - Simple showings off affection other things we don’t discuss here it is SWF, please

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) Just like Johnny his arms are insanely long and wrapping them tightly around his S/O is just way to nice to not do it constantly.

I = Intimacy (What is their favorite form of intimacy? Do they have problems with it?) He knows why he’s in SM. He got casted off the streets for his looks. He also really radiates the vibes of only being there for the fun and the people only. Lucas is very confident in the way he looks and he is aware of how many thousand people find him insanely attractive. I am pretty sure there are close to no problems when it comes to intimacy but that is something very personal because we know that everyone has at least one issue with themselves which we sometimes could never tell.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) He gets jealous. Not much but he does in general. I am not sure how exactly that would display or how he would show it but overall: Yes he does.

K = Kisses (Are they a good kisser? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) I hope he is. Okay no honestly, hear me out lmao. Lucas ... is either very excellent at kissing or he isn’t. I just look at him and I really hope he is because that would be so grate and elevate him one step closer to being the complete package. He meets the height requirements. He has the hands to hold his S/O. He surely has the lips as well. Which is also where they like to kiss/be kissed the most.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) Lucas is the perfect personality type for getting along well with kids. He is goofy enough to play around with them and fun and fool but he is also calm enough to not out-child them and keep an eye on them. He is guiding their playfulness in a way only a few people can.

M = Messages (How often do they text his S/O?) He texts them A LOT when he’s bored. During practice or some random meeting he would get distracted by his phone and text them about how bored he is. Also he would often take pictures or snaps of stupid little things he wants to show them but they’re not around. Speaking of SnapChat: Filters.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Nights out in clubs are hot and fun. Nights out in bars (if they are dates) are hot. Nights out in movie theatre would be so much fun. He would totally get this slushies that turn your tongue in different Colors but would also hold his S/O during scary parts of the movie even though he’s scared himself. Acting all tough

O = Opinion (Would they ask for their S/O’s opinion a lot? How important is it in terms of decisions?) He would ask for their opinion but mainly because he thinks he has to or that they would want to be ask. If it’s about his personal matters. When it comes to mutual decisions it’s different because well of course he asks for his S/O opinion. What they say matters to him and he wants both of them to be comfortable. So when they say that sofa is ugly - it’s ugly.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) Getting on his nerves is quite hard I assume. He probably would be the one getting on his S/O’s nerves (most of the time by accident tho.) If it’s something about them that actually bothers him he will be patient and ask them to maybe change that behaviour for a long time before actually admitting how much it is bothering him and eventually raising his voice.

Q = Quizzes (How does a bar trivia night teamed up with them look like?) A complete mess. Lucas once admitted he is not the smartest one and I adore people who are aware of that and own it in their own way. He would still try his best to not let his S/O and maybe other teammates down. BUT he is still an important part of the team: The one who chugs everything for the sake of the cause. IDK I just see him being able to drink a lot. He radiates this frat boy energy help

R = Remember (How much do they remember about their S/O or their relaitonship in general?) Lucas does his best but he is forgetting a lot. He writes it down in his phone. For example there could be a list for his S/O's family member’s birthdays and all their important anniversaries. He may still forget them tho. When it comes to memory Lucas knows it’s not his forté but he is trying hard.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) He is maybe one of the most protective boyfriends you will find in whole NCT. He shields his S/O from wind or rain, he corners them in crowded subways. He flags and gets in cabs first. He will shove between his S/O and other guys dancing at clubs casually so they don’t notice. He will tell people to fo k off if they are obviously bothering his S/O. He does it all.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) He might be sloppy with everyday chores but he will rather often take his S/O on spontaneous coffee dates or bring home take out aka steal something from the dorm Kun cooked.

U = Unique (What makes them unique as a S/O?) What makes Lucas unique as a S/O is definitely his awareness of his ... stupidity? Now I can see people coming for me for saying this but he once said he is not very smart and he is probably correct about that. His abilities lay more in the practical and emotional/empathic area. So what makes him special is is ability to pull his S/O’s guard down. If they come home from work super stressed he will put their mind at ease by simply talking to them about not so heavy or challenging topic. He will be their save heaven. A place where they don’t need to pretend or to impress. Lucas loves his S/O 190% for their character or quirks and maybe even for their intellect as well but he doesn’t compete with it and is real about himself.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) SO. MUHC. He has sloppy days tho but they will mostly never catch him with greasy hair or anything. And also he is in shape and plans to stay that way.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without their S/O?) He would. If he is not with them for a long time he can feel how he is losing his inner center or balance. Lucas would be fine on his own but honestly exactly just fine.

X = X-Ray (How transparent are they?) Lucas is an open book. He can’t hide anything and he is so easy to fool on like April 1st or some prank they want to play on him. If he’s feeling down they’ll see it. If he’s happy they’ll know it. if he truly loves them it will be on the local news.

Y = Yuck (Everyone has flaws. What is theirs?) Bruh okay. Well. He leaves his underwear everywhere. Or his socks. and he leaves the toilet seat up.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) Being asleep he grabs everything and pulls it in close. There is no escape. And I feel like he will wander towards the mid of the bed so if their S/O is avoiding being hold custody they will have no where to go but the sofa or wake him up.

Gif is not mine

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[shipping-receiving]

“Is there a chance you won’t be okay?”

An Analysis of Hwang Si-mok and Han Yeo-jin’s Final Scene in Stranger/Secret Forest Season 2

Alright, it’s been almost a week, I’m still crying every time I re-watch this scene, and somehow I’ve written 3,500 words about five minutes of this damn show, so here we go:

As with Stranger/Secret Forest Season 1, Si-mok and Yeo-jin’s final scene in Season 2 ended with a farewell meal, complete with soju. On a very basic level, this meal felt significant in a season where Si-mok was subject, more than ever, to interrupted meals or meals he didn’t particularly want to be present for – at least until he was able to have a drink with Yeo-jin in 2x12, and then lunch with her in 2x13.

More importantly, though, this scene is the most loaded scene we’ve ever witnessed between these two characters. That’s saying something for such a nuanced, detail-oriented show, in which two people placing their phones in a storage locker at a detention centre can possess such emotional weight, particularly when played by two actors who make very subtle and sophisticated acting choices.

I’m struck particularly by the way this scene bursts with subtext – things unsaid and unresolved – when Lee Soo-yeon could just as easily have written a neater, more light-hearted exchange that reaffirmed their connection, more along the lines of their final scene in 1x16. There are a thousand other ways their farewell could have been presented to us that would have given a greater or at least a more comfortable sense of finality, even taking into account their character development over this season. This lack of resolution is evident not just from what happened during the scene, but also when the scene happened within the episode itself. The meal occurred after Yeo-jin had been bullied by her colleagues, but before she met her new boss – at this point, it seemed to the viewer that her promotion would likely bring not the pride she experienced in S1, but more challenges and isolation.

More so than the Seo Dong-jae cliffhanger, this scene makes me think that this was written with a future Season 3 arc in mind, one in which Si-mok and Yeo-jin’s relationship will continue to evolve and deepen substantially (whether that will be ‘romantic’ remains to be seen). Considering they’re the core partnership of this series, there was a deliberate withholding of stability in their farewell, rather than an affirmation of it. I won’t go so far as to say destabilisation – because despite their separation, I think their bond is more profound than ever – but at the bare minimum an absence of certainty, when it could have been written otherwise.

Anyway, on to the breakdown:

The scene opens with Si-mok carefully folding a napkin and placing cutlery on it for Yeo-jin, a simple gesture of care that Cho Seung-woo plays with a startlingly gentle attentiveness. Immediately, it signals that there’s been a shift in Si-mok – how he’s able, at least with Yeo-jin, to do something that isn’t just polite, but also thoughtful. The director even snuck in a little clue that Si-mok is thinking of Yeo-jin as he’s doing this – Yeo-jin actually appears at the left side of the frame from the start, as the camera pans over to Si-mok: 

In this shot, Si-mok is visually separated from Yeo-jin by a pillar. This could be read on the one hand as a kind of sectioning out of his mental space – a visualisation of his thoughts of her as he prepares her cutlery – and on the other hand, as a foreshadowing of their impending separation. (I do, however, enjoy the first interpretation more. It reminds me a little bit of her sketch of the inside of his head from 1x06.)

Back to the napkin: if you look closer, Si-mok didn’t fold a napkin for himself – his spoon and chopsticks are on the table next to his bowl – so this isn’t just a matter of neatly setting the table for their meal. In a very small way, he’s anticipating her needs, just as she has done with him in much more demonstrative ways in both seasons (helping him with his headaches being the most obvious one). This isn’t something he’s necessarily actively worked on in the past two years; he’s still the person who doesn’t instinctively say ‘hello’ over the phone, or ask after someone’s kids without being reminded. Yet, it’s a capacity for care that has expanded significantly, at least where Yeo-jin is concerned.

Compare his behaviour with the equivalent scene in 1x16 – back then, he only ordered a bowl of noodles for himself and not for her. Interestingly, Yeo-jin’s comment to Si-mok during that part of the S1 scene was, “Gosh, you haven’t changed one bit,” suggesting that he was, by nature, somehow unable to be considerate to someone else. Just from the opening to the S2 scene, we see that that comment is not or no longer true, at least when it comes to the way he acts around her. In both the S1 and S2 scenes, he was the first person to arrive for their meal; in S1, the first thing he said was, “Why are you late?” and had already ordered his soju and noodles. This time, however, Yeo-jin asks him, “Why didn’t you order something first?” – implying that although she was late again, he was patiently waiting for her to arrive.

There’s also a difference in the way he responds to her appearance. Now, I personally don’t think we can frame Si-mok’s connection with and care for Yeo-jin in conventional understandings of romantic attraction (which is not to say romance isn’t possible for them canonically, I just think it will manifest differently). Nevertheless, I’d say that he responds to her haircut in a way that is probably as close to the mechanics of attraction as we could possibly expect from Si-mok – not just the shock of “oh, you cut your hair,” but lingering looks and nostalgia for when they first met; nothing at all like noticing that she’s wearing lipstick and saying, not so kindly, that it looks weird. In fact, in a direct parallel to this moment in 1x16, Yeo-jin asks him if her haircut is “weird”, and he says, “I just meant it’s different.”

(I think the way he stares at her is not wholly due to being ‘transfixed’, but also because he’s trying to figure out what such a drastic change means, and why now, and whether he has to worry. Basically, his brain is trying to compute; part of his stare is him trying to analyse her behaviour, just as part of it is him revisiting his memories of her from two years ago, and part of it might well be an attraction he doesn’t quite understand or know how to reel in. He does stare at her for an inordinately long time.)

Switching over to Yeo-jin, I really enjoy this little routine of hers when they have meals together – how she narrows down options for him to a series of questions, and even helps him decide on occasion. It never feels like she’s trying to speak for him, but rather that she knows his likes and dislikes. Her question in this scene – makgeolli or soju – is phrased like her question in 2x02, when she asks him to choose between stir-fried octopus and hot pot; when she specifically requests a lot of cabbages, she must be thinking of how he ate lots of them in 2x12. This kind of care comes naturally to Yeo-jin – we’re talking about the person who took in a murder victim’s mother in S1 – but it’s still a form of intimacy, and one that Si-mok is clearly used to as well.

Soon, though, we have our first indication that things might not be so comfortable – not in the sense that their bond has weakened, but that there are fundamental shifts occurring in both of their lives that affect this bond. Si-mok, after a lot more staring, points out that her short hair reminds him of when they first met. (He wouldn’t have needed to take that much time to come up with that simple observation, which makes me think he was trying to choose his words carefully.) With enthusiasm, Yeo-jin responds with, “I haven’t changed a bit, right?” – echoing her comment about Si-mok in 1x16.

Perhaps Yeo-jin had meant this comment sincerely in the moment, but given context, her cheerfulness feels performative. We’ve just witnessed her crying after being bullied by her colleagues, in contrast to the warmth that she enjoys with her old Yongsan team; we’ve observed her changes – a result of maturity, disillusionment, a loss of innocence – throughout the whole season. In fact, she seems to have cut her hair precisely because she feels weighed down by all that has unfolded, just as one might after a break-up or some kind of painful life event. It’s a decision that seems to say: I acknowledge that everything has changed around me, but maybe doing this will make me feel like myself again, or the ‘myself’ of two years ago.

Si-mok, of course, isn’t quite so able to agree that she hasn’t changed. Multiple times this season, he’s observed the changes in her – “You don’t draw these days?” in 2x06, “Didn’t you want to work in police administration?” in 2x08, “You weren’t the kind of person to postpone things.” in 2x12. Now, he doesn’t respond to her question, and instead looks at her in silence, smiling only ever so slightly when she shakes her head playfully (and we know that she can make him smile wider than that). Perhaps he’s even choosing to withhold any judgment of her. But this is a moment, I think, that factors into his decision to ask her that question at the end of this scene.

Next, we have confirmation that Si-mok was the one who asked Yeo-jin out for dinner, just as he had in 2x02 once he’d settled into his new posting. It isn’t clear in 1x16 if it was Yeo-jin who’d asked to meet Si-mok when she found out he was being posted to Namhae, but it’s been affirmed twice this season that he prioritises this time with her (even more so than meeting his own mother). Then, he breaks the news to her that he is leaving for Gangwon Province this weekend.

In 1x16, Yeo-jin finds out that Si-mok is leaving from the special investigation team, without Si-mok being present. At the time, they still think he’ll be sent to the US for training, and Yeo-jin is visibly disappointed. She has the same crestfallen look on her face in this scene, in front of Si-mok. She doesn’t want to be separated from him, and when she asks about his cases, it seems she’d expected him to stay for quite a while longer to see them through. Mind you, Wonju is only about 1.5 hours drive from Seoul (yes, I mapped it), but Yeo-jin still looks like she’s had the rug pulled from under her. Perhaps, in an uncertain time, she’d hoped that Si-mok would be in her life more than the few weeks he’d spent in Seoul.

Yeo-jin’s responses in both 1x16 and 2x16 are a pretty big indicator that she has feelings for Si-mok (whether she’s aware or willing to acknowledge those feelings is another matter). I suppose one could argue that her reaction is simply out of sadness at the thought of being separated from a friend, but based on certain events in S2 – for example, Choi Bit questioning Yeo-jin about her relationship with Si-mok, and Yeo-jin deflecting – I think the viewer is at the very least meant to question whether their bond is truly ‘platonic’. This isn’t the type of show to include superfluous details just to tease their viewers, and in any case, Si-mok and Yeo-jin’s connection has only deepened through the course of this season despite being on opposing sides of the council. It feels like the emotional stakes are much higher this time than back in S1.

As Yeo-jin is absorbing this news from Si-mok, there are a couple of little details here that feel significant to me, but could be nothing: first, the way Si-mok half-holds out his hand as Yeo-jin is pouring her soju, just as he’d held out his hand when she was pouring makgeolli in 2x13. Second, how she pours out a cup of soju for herself first, but not for Si-mok. In any other situation, it might seem impolite – after all, Si-mok is the one who’d chosen the drink – but here it seems that she’s pouring a drink to steady or busy herself more than anything, and she doesn’t drink from it till after their toast.

Following this, Yeo-jin confides in Si-mok that “I never thought the council would end like this. [...] Will the higher-ups be replaced with more honest people while I’m catching bad men out there?” When he replies with, “Why are you talking as if those two are the same?”, it’s yet another of his probing questions, questions she never seems to have an answer to. The Yeo-jin of old would never have assumed that all the higher-ups are dishonest – she has always seen the good in people – but she feels betrayed by Choi Bit, the one person she sincerely respected. Here, she changes the topic rather than opening up, reverting to her most comfortable mode of showing care for someone else by asking Si-mok why he looks so tired. It’s a guardedness that we’re not used to seeing from Yeo-jin; when Si-mok met with Choi Bit at the start of the episode, he describes Yeo-jin as someone who “opens up easily”, even if she doesn’t “blindly trust or respect just about anybody”.

While Yeo-jin is evasive, Si-mok is more willing to be vulnerable in comparison. His openness isn’t surprising, given that Si-mok has shared more about his life and thoughts with her than with anyone else, but it is still heartwarming to see. Instead of brushing off Yeo-jin’s comment, he tells her about his dream of the prosecutors from the Western Office. For anyone else, this might not seem like a significant conversation topic, but for someone who hardly ever dreams (which Si-mok mentioned in S1), it feels like he’s sharing something special with her. This dream, and his factual recounting of it, seems to be a means for his brain to process the traumatic events of two years ago.

Before Si-mok tells Yeo-jin about his dream, there’s a quick insertion here – a lament about seeing your boss in your dreams – that suggests that she is still troubled about Choi Bit, more than she’s letting on. Again, Si-mok doesn’t push her to elaborate, though I think he’s been absorbing all the things that seem off with Yeo-jin since she arrived. Yeo-jin proceeds to analyse his dream in her head, but doesn’t verbalise her interpretation (that Yoon Se-won might be considering suicide, since he went off in the same direction as two characters who have both passed). As she’s deep in thought, Si-mok tilts his head questioningly at her; she says that he probably won’t have time to go anywhere else this weekend, implying that she was thinking of bringing him with her to visit Yoon.

Knowing that Si-mok won’t be able to come with her, however, leaves Yeo-jin resigned. As she announces, “All right, then,” I wonder if this is the moment that she’s choosing to steel herself. The two people she treasures and respects most in her life (Si-mok and Choi Bit) are disappearing from it, and she will have to learn to move forward without them.

Now, we come to their toast. In the corresponding scene in S1, their toast is bittersweet, but has a sense of resolution; upbeat piano music plays in the background as Yeo-jin says, “Goodbye, I won’t be able to see you off,” while Si-mok echoes that with, “Good luck in your new position. Sorry I can’t attend the ceremony.” In S2, the music is quieter, and much more sombre – I’ve been describing it in my head as ‘breathy sad wooooo music’ – even as Yeo-jin laughs and says, a little helplessly: “It feels like we keep repeating this.”

Si-mok, on his part, doesn’t even echo her laugh with anything more than the barest smile. Instead, he says, with a deep sincerity: “Take care, Senior Inspector Han.” As I mentioned earlier, there are many ways that they could have written or played this scene to convey even a little more resolution – choosing different music, or having Si-mok smile along with Yeo-jin, or even giving Yeo-jin a bit more notice of his departure so that she can prepare a gift (as if to say, she doesn’t draw as much these days, but she would for his sake). But the viewer is made to feel all of their reluctance, even sadness at this separation, even if those feelings are hidden beneath pleasantries. “Well, I guess I’ll be okay,” Yeo-jin says, as if there’s a possibility that she won’t be – that this is something she has to recover from in the future.

Si-mok considers her words, her phrasing, her demeanour, tilts his head at her again and says: “Is there a chance you won’t be okay?”

This, above all other lines, shows how much Si-mok has grown in the past couple of years because of Yeo-jin’s influence. Whereas he started S1 cold, guarded, and isolated from the rest of his colleagues, he has arrived at a point where he has cultivated enough of an emotional sensitivity to ask her this question – to show her care, just as she has shown care to him and other people around her. I’d even venture to say that Si-mok feels, himself, that there’s a chance he won’t be as okay with their separation as he might have been two years ago. In 2x05, during the conversation with Seo Dong-jae outside the prison, Dong-jae asks Si-mok: “You don’t feel a tad bit sad even if you’re sent far away, do you?” Si-mok answers, “No.” That doesn’t feel so definitive anymore. There isn’t anything either Si-mok or Yeo-jin can do, given that they both prioritise their careers and understand that these careers follow a certain trajectory, but parting feels a little bit harder this time.

Yeo-jin answers Si-mok’s question as reassuringly as she can, with an adorable smile and shake of the head; she lets out an “ah” after she downs her soju, as if to reorient herself. Yet, her cheerfulness in the rest of the scene – her excitement at the food, her over-enthusiastic chewing – rings empty as the sombre music continues to play in the background. For perhaps the first time in the entire series, there is something about Yeo-jin that seems feigned. Strangely, it is Si-mok’s blank expression that represents the more authentic emotion in this scene – communicating the very resignation that Yeo-jin must be feeling inside, beneath a facade that might read as comical in any other context.

“Is there a chance you won’t be okay?” is, in fact, the last thing that Si-mok says in this whole scene, despite quite a few more lines of dialogue from Yeo-jin. The way he looks at her for the rest of the scene, though, is charged with meaning. It seems to say: ‘I don’t really believe that you’re okay, but I’m going to give you space because I can tell you don’t really want to talk right now.’ It’s not as if Yeo-jin hasn’t confided in him before – their phone call in 1x15 was especially intimate – so it’s not that Si-mok is incapable of listening to her. Still, he respects her choice to deflect, and continues to observe her closely while ignoring the pajeon, even leaning forward right at the end of the scene. This very overt concentration on her is something we’ve never really seen from Si-mok before; even in the rooftop scene in 2x06, which is probably the most loaded scene they share after this one, they’re standing beside each other and rarely make eye contact. Here, his focus on Yeo-jin is palpable.

As much as this scene felt heartbreaking to me (thanks breathy sad wooooo music), it actually left me with a lot of optimism for the development of their relationship in the future. Lee Soo-yeon has said that she has enough material for five seasons of the show, and while I’m not so sure we’ll get as many seasons as that, it feels like she’s pushed Si-mok and Yeo-jin out of their comfortable friendship – planting the question, “is there a chance we won’t be okay?” I wonder if we’ll see something quite different in the third season (which is apparently in discussion!), which surely won’t see them on opposing sides again.

I’ve been burned by enough ships that can potentially be read as ‘platonic’ to know that I shouldn’t hope for any overt romance, but Si-mok is such a unique character and has such a unique connection with Yeo-jin that I’m hopeful that their relationship could be deepened with nuance, even if it doesn’t become romantic in ‘recognisable’ ways. (I have other thoughts on his asexuality/aromanticism that I won’t get into here.) It’s precisely because their connection is built on mutual trust, respect, and understanding that it remains so compelling, and I think this scene promises growth, and some resolution, whenever we see them next.

[bowieexaminprogress]

Directorial nuggets

Zondag 09:42

This clip appears simple but it is actually deeply multilayered. It reveals so many things about Yasmina.

We find Yasmina training at the park with Luca on a scouter by her side. It is clear that Luca is in no mood for training herself.

Luca is asking about Elias. Yasmina says that her parents didn’t notice what happened but Luca immediately says “they acted like they didn’t notice. Parents are better at that than you think.” That’s an interesting perspective because if that is the case we immediately see that Yasmina’s parents are more open than what Yasmina’s perspective let us believe so far, more open than Yasmina herself thinks.

Once the conversation moves towards Younes we see how Yasmina is avoiding it, how she starts running again. And isn’t that a symbolism of her running away from him and from her feelings for him. Yasmina went to the park in the first place because running and training was a good way for her to get her frustration out (note the all black look again) and distract herself. What is interesting to me is that she chose to ask Luca to come, someone she clearly knows is not interested in training. In my opinion Yasmina subconsciously wanted to talk to someone. Again as with Elias in the previous clip, it is her subtle way of asking for help. That’s why she told Luca to come in the first place. She knew they would talk at some point.

It is interesting how Yasmina again appears snappy at the beginning when Luca starts talking about how she imagines Yasmina acting intimately towards Younes. She tries to shut down this talk with generalisations about Muslim women, saying that this talk makes her uncomfortable. We the viewers have witnessed how Yasmina desired Younes, how intimate they became and how she judged herself for that. Her reaction here is nothing but a reflection of what is happening in her mind. She is uncomfortable with that talk exactly because it reflects her reality she says I am not like you, but is that really the truth? Deep inside Yasmina falls in love, desires Younes, some level of intimacy exactly as any person who falls in love. And that is what she was not expecting, that is what throws her off.

Once Luca says ok I will stop talking about that, look how Yasmina immediately opens up. She wants to talk, she needs it. She is asking how do you make those feelings stop. Feelings of want, of desire, of love. Remember we have an extremely cerebral person here someone who is not in touch with their feelings. Someone who feels out of their comfort zone when emotions come at play, when they take over her mind. There is a fight between her mind and her heart.

Yasmina feels that Younes coming into her life is because God is testing her. Those words hold so much gravity. For Yasmina, Younes is challenging parts of her faith or at least this is what she thinks now. That is an extremely deep deep conflict. Luca asks why are you fighting it and Yasmina says “I fight for this” pointing at her hijab but also her mind. What is the hijab for Yasmina? A symbol of her faith as a whole, a symbol that works as a reminder of the purity of her mind and the path that she should follow, a representation of her own moral, faith boundaries? We don’t know exactly because this is something so deeply personal. What we do know is that it is a big part of her identity that she values deeply. So does she feel that that part is being challenged by Younes? Do we have here a fight between desire and faith? Just think about it for a moment. Think the depth of that conflict. This is not something easy for Yasmina. But I don’t think that that conflict comes because she feels that she compromises in any way. I think that conflict comes because she doesn’t yet know where she stands when it comes to her own boundaries. What Younes coming into her life has done is make her explore that part of her and find her truth. And it will be very interesting to see what those are for her. Where she draws the line and says this is where I stand and I don’t compromise them.

Luca interestingly poses the question isn’t faith also more of the heart than the mind? Something you feel? Yasmina doesn’t have the answer yet. I think it is interesting that Luca shows her that maybe in her search for her own truth she needs to involve her heart as much as her mind and not completely silence one over the other.

Yasmina is at the very very beginning of that exploration journey. She keeps Younes away for now exactly because she needs time to listen to her own voice without his distraction for a moment.

I adore how Luca says “do you wanna take the scooter now?”, at the end. It is almost like she says do you wanna take a break now from your running thoughts. Just for a moment. And she takes over the running part. She gives her space to breath.

This friendship here is so deeply balanced. Luca listens, she is not rushing to give any advice because it is not her place to give any. She recognises that this is about Yasmina and her own inner journey. She is the only one who can find the answers no matter how difficult that may seem now.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen: Country Roads, Take Me Home

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite.

FemShepxKaidan

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan smiled broadly, shuffling over to a side table, "there you are."

"In my apartment?" Mary teased. Appreciating the cable knit sweater Kaidan sported. It was a little tacky, white and covered with blue reindeer, but she loved the gaudiness.

Her obvious comment dismissed with the wave of a hand and the rolling of his eyes, "if we're done sassing, I brought you something."

"Not up for it today, Alenko?" It was no longer necessary to refer to each other by sir names, but it became a game. Once one started, the other joined in. Competition didn't deter Mary from approaching the biotic, glancing over his shoulder on tiptoes.

His jump wasn't expected, "I'm always up for it, Shepard, but you are being a little difficult." Kaidan's head tilted back and over his shoulder, leaving Mary to take the initiative.

Mary closed the distance with a chaste peck, leaving her jaw to rest on his shoulder, brushing against his back. They had forced their relationship to rebuild slowly over the months, no explosive sex, no sleepovers... just lots of talking. Sharing. Opening up about things they never had the time to talk about and the time after the Reaper War. It was a strange kind of intimacy when she let her arms encircle his waist, a test of what they would both accept.

"Difficult? I'm not sure what I've defied yet," her gaze briefly wandered to the package in his hands, "is something up?"

Kaidan chuckled, pressing his lips against her skull, "maybe I'm striking preemptively; you never know. But I have something you for- my mom made it so be nice."

She yoinked the package from him, falling ass-first onto her bed before she tore impatiently into the package. Out tumbled another sweater, a plain grey turtleneck with a doubled-up cuff. Best of all, it was huge, Kaidan likely playing a part in that. Mary grinned up at him, "this is nice."

"Well, hurry up and put it on," he urged.

Mary took her turn at the eye-rolling, "for what, Alenko? Yes, Canada is cold, but I'm inside."

"What if we're not staying inside?"

"Really, Alenko?" she half whined, but it was a show. She was excited to go outside, it was starting to snow and she felt restless.

"Come on! Let us celebrate your official release, I had to convince everyone else that breaking you out was grounds for war. Something about assaulting an Alliance Base being a terrible idea..." his grin widened, "though, Garrus had some solid plans."

"Fine," Shepard didn't fight the grin as she wrestled on the sweater. It was much bulkier than she expected, even the sleeves far too long, and the neck threatened to swallow her face. She let it rest below eye level, lumbering over to Kaidan.

The pure silliness emanating from the woman tugged at his heart; this was a much different person from the Officer that commanded the Normandy.

His hands took her face, lowering the fabric to kiss her gently, "looks good, Shepard."

"It might be a bit big."

He caught her eyes wandering to the sweater he wore and his chuckle escaped," you'll have to ask."

"You didn't," her face turned brighter under his touch, only the trace of a scar left along her jawline.

It was another game they had played aboard the Normandy- as high school as taking your lover's clothing was, Mary found simple pleasure in it. In the privacy of her cabin, it was comfortable to wear something a few sizes too large and his subtle smell on the clothing made it better. She'd pretend to steal an article of clothing here and there, or he'd forget to take something with him. Kaidan enjoyed occasionally finding her wrapped up in his shirt and her signature pooh bear PJ shorts. It was a rare human moment for the Commander- Captain, hopefully, less rare in the future.

"That's stealing," she harrumphed.

Kaidan retook her lips, she froze for a moment from the surprise but eagerly complied. God, he loved this woman.

"And I can't have you going out looking that hot," she murmured on his lips, "we'll just have to trade."

"A little possessive there-," he pulled the sweater off, revealing his shirtless form, "at least take me to dinner first."

She was a little distracted but followed suit, tearing her gaze away, "I know a place with steak."

"Heh. Now, now that is how you butter me up."

"Kaidan," Mary faltered on three beats, "this look better?"

Those weren't the three words he expected, "beautiful as ever, Mary." He carefully trained his gaze on her pretty blue eyes, watching them sparkle brighter for a second. She wouldn't acknowledge the compliment, but it was her favorite.

"Where we going?"

A classic Shepard deflection.

"You did mention steak."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

With full bellies, Kaidan guided them through the decorated square. Christmas music drifted gently from all directions mixing with the sounds of life. Deep laughter, feet on fresh snow, and the wafting smells emanating from the food stands. Mary grew a little quiet, so he gently took her hand.

"Is this too much?"

She shook her head, "I just remembered what tomorrow is."

He nodded, December eleventh, the day of the final push on the Reapers. Three years from the day, there was a lot to mourn and as much to celebrate. Mary just struggled to remember the latter, often caught in the sacrifices made to get to and on that day.

"Do we need to head back?"

Mary shook her head.

"You sure."

"It's fine," the smile was only a little forced, "just let me center."

"Sit down, and I'll be right back."

"Really-"

"Mary, please."

"I don't want to ruin-"

"You're not, but sit."

The Captain sighed heavily but parked her ass on a bench. Distracting herself as she studied a nearby pine tree all decked up in lights. The bright blue lighting of the home fabrication building. Watched the people walk by, comforted in a moment of invisibility to let the knot in her chest loosen. It was too much to expect it to disappear, but it could be made less heavy. If life could return to normal for all these people, it could for her.

The Major returned with two paper cups, steam rising from the vent, "drink."

"I'm pretty full."

"Just drink. It will help you focus on something else," his frown grew a smidge.

Her mouth was met with sudden sweetness; hot chocolate was not her jam, even when seasoned with cinnamon. Kaidan seemed satisfied, even if she grimaced.

"Mary, I just-"

"Kaidan," her interruption hinted with exasperation, "is something up?"

He reeled, forcing out a grumbling chuckle, "what do you mean?"

"You've been acting a little strange."

"I mean," he rubbed at the back of his neck, eyes pinned on the ground, "hell, Shepard. Can one part of this relationship be normal?"

"You didn't have to drag me out here just to break up with me," her voice came out small.

"No- I'm not," he suddenly turned to look at her, running a finger along a cheek and rested it on her lip, gently taking up her chin. Once his drink was in no danger of spilling her held her other hand, "that's the last thing on my mind. It's the future. Mine. Yours. "

"I feel like I am missing something."

His smile drooped, and his head turned away, staring straight into the building in front of them, "what do you want, Mary?"

Freedom was a hell of a thing. After spending so much time in duress, were forging forward for the future was the only option. That freedom was foreign, alien. Her career had also taken a lot of her choice, and she was content with that life. Now, with her field wide open, she didn't know how to run. Her family would be scattered, irrevocably. If she stayed with the Alliance, could she be with Kaidan? If she didn't retire from the Spectre life, her priorities were further in shambles. Mary didn't want to return to further solitude, making her way without companionship and connection. But the thought of returning to active duty terrified her- she had seen and caused enough bloodshed for one person. So much seemed in question. In reality, it was hard to admit what she wanted—a peaceful place to return home to more often than not.

Her time aboard the Normandy had been the closest to calling anything home since Mindoir, almost twenty years ago.

Did Kaidan want that with her? That was the biggest hurdle, deciding to start that process alone and hoping he caught up... if that is what he wanted. She knew her name wouldn't give her all the time in the world to delay a decision.

It hardly helped that the biotic didn't look at her, completely removed from her in all ways. The tangle in her heart spread into her throat, pathetically as it echoed; nowhere would really feel like home without him. Not for a long time anyway. As challenging, heartbreaking, and frustrating her time with Alenko had proven to be-, he had remained stable. A solid foundation.

"You," the word spat out, "I still love you and-"

The Shepard bravery only went so far with emotions, her hand stopping inches from his thigh. It was a boundary she was afraid to cross. She was already too bold.

Kaidan's gaze left the building, returning suddenly to her. Mary retracted only to be stopped by Kaidan yanking both of them from the bench, pulling her tightly into his arms. His nose nuzzling her cheek before moving to her ear, a hand cradling the base of her skull, "I've always loved you, through all these years, through..." his voice a whisper, "through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive. I don't know where all of this will go- our careers, our lives, but I want to be with you. No matter how slow I have to take things. If that's a no, or a not yet, I promise it won't hurt me."

Mary titled her head and furrowed her brows, a no?

Kaidan chuckled, his belly rolling as the laughter overtook him. Forcing him to step away from her, needing his forearms to counteract his balance as he crumpled inward.

"Kaidan?"

Shepard watched him compose himself with growing impatience, arms folding tightly across her chest. Whatever joke she was the butt of, it wasn't funny. Not now.

"Mary," Kaidan's voice turning to the graveled cadence that made her tummy flutter. The man closed the distance between them again, turning her body in the direction of the storefront, "you don't have to decide now. We don't have to go in, and you can even tell me to get lost."

Oh. OOH.

The home fabrication company. The home fabrication company she had been sitting in front of for the last several minutes.

"Kaidan..." it must have been the snow prickling at the corner of her eye.

"Shepard, Mary- I can't promise to know what happens next. I just- I just want a place for both of us. I have some property and I thought... hoped that it could," he took in a steadying breath, the pressure of his hands a somewhat uncomfortable, "that we could make it our own. Somewhere soft for us to land, whenever we can make the time."

"Or as much as possible?" Mary pivoted, hooking her fingers into his pockets, "we could both quit, everything! Retire and watch every sunset!"

Kaidan stole a kiss, "I'm not sure the Shepard I know could sit still that long."

"You'd have the time to teach me," Mary kept him close, practically grinning into his mouth.

"You know, I think I'd have better luck potty training Kalros," Kaidan mused, wisely knowing what Thresher Maw Mary could handle mention of, "but I think I get your meaning. You'll try to stick it out with me?"

"I can handle an outdated L2."

"Outdated!? Ouch."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

"Everyone would understand if this is too much," Kaidan murmured beside her, "and if you want company, I'd rather be with you."

Mary slowly turned to look at him, the flickering of the white string lights illuminating the contours of her face and the flash of annoyance in her eyes. That was fair, it felt like the millionth time he had beat around that bush. He wanted her to feel comfortable, to not push her into anything that might trigger a reaction. Yes, she could handle herself, but he had to ask. To make sure.

Kaidan had made sure springing the party on her wasn't an utter surprise. Spilling the beans shortly after they had left Alliance Headquarters. Shepard seemed genuinely excited, and he was hopeful; her time sequestered away had chipped at the edges exposed after the war. By all means, she had been cleared by the professionals, but that didn't mean complete freedom. He knew that from experience.

"Traynor better have brought along another bottle of Serrice Ice," she grinned, "Chakwas and I have our tradition to fulfill."

Mary grabbed his hand, pulling him another few steps through the snow and closer to his parent's place. Already it was lit up, and the drifting of music wafted over the otherwise quiet plot. She paused within casual eyesight of a window, watching the figures within with a soft sigh. Kaidan slowly put an arm around her waist.

The glitter of snow in her hair was beautiful.

"You were right," she said with a snort, "I found a way."

"I never doubted you," placing his lips firmly against her temple.

Her head tilted up at him, eyes drinking him in, "I have an answer to your question."

Kaidan waited.

"Jane was me, before the Alliance. My original name... before Toombs took pity on a Batarian's slave," Mary's glance softened, "I thought you deserved to know."

"If-"

"It's long dead and gone," Kaidan believed her, even if he burned with questions, "Alenko, I want to drink. To hug my friends again- I'm looking forward to my hangover tomorrow, so I have something else to be miserable about instead of the past. Maybe, even a tad excited to further disappoint your mother."

[eliana-dreams]

Okay sis, what are some newsies fanfics that have messed you up (like in a good way)? I need some angst inspo for a fic I’m writing, so please drop some stories below that I can go read. Like dark, emotional-rollercoaster types, either from the broadway musical or the ‘92 movie. I trust your opinion!!

love your blog’s aesthetic 💗

Hi love! I’m not the best person to ask about fanfics, because I’m the worst at reading, like my attention span is nonexistent. But the few that I have read in the Newsies fandom have stuck with me. As I’m more familiar with fanfiction.net than ao3, that’s where the majority of stories I read are from. I’ll list the stories, authors, and a brief review:

on fanfiction.net:

No More Random Goils - by foreverkneeld - So, this was one of the first ones I read, and this story put me through it. It’s so well-written, and the main character (Jeans) is one of the most likeable OC’s I’ve come across in a while. And if you’re a big Spot Conlon stan, and want to read a story where he falls for someone who enjoys challenging herself and won’t put up with his bs, this is right up your alley. This story had a lot of layers, and I found myself blazing through it in only a few sittings, it was so good. It’s been a few years since I’ve read it, and I’m really tempted to go back and read it again. Angst rating: 4.5. This had its angsty moments, but it was overall light, and I loved every minute of it!

A Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy - by Glimmer Conlon O’Leary - Aw, this one hit me right in the feels when I first read it. All about girlsies in Queens struggling to hold onto their turf, resorting to diplomatic games and strategic moves involving a notorious Brooklyn newsie ;) The author did an amazing job with developing multi-dimensional characters, and I became attached to all of them by the end. Again, it’s been a minute since I’ve read this one, but I remember the plot being really creative and immersive and I’ll have to go back and read it! Angst rating: 5. There were a few intense scenes, but nothing crazy. Very good writing!

Subtle Like - by skinflint - This story only has 3 chapters (plus an introduction), but those chapters are powerful. Without giving anything away, I’ll just say it paints some of our beloved newsies in a very different light, sort of a ‘what if they were capable of bad things,’ and the author does a very good job with little material. Talk about effective writing. This one was gritty. Angst rating: 8. Though very brief, it got dark real fast.

Time To Go Slumming - by bexlynne - Alright, this one hasn’t been updated for a while, but it’s definitely worth checking out! I was so invested in this story (still am), and the author does an incredible job making you care about the characters. It’s another Brooklyn-centered story, but it’s not your typical Spot Conlon characterization. Big props to the author for creating such cosmopolitan OC’s, so realistic and dynamic. It takes place a little before the strike (so far), and it shows how different the Brooklyn newsies have it compared to the ones over in ‘Hattan. Definitely more bleak. Angst rating: 7.5. I genuinely cared about what happened to the characters in this story.

Through Thick and Thin - by Emador - Ahhhh this is one of my favorites, truly. This story was heart-wrenching, and a good one to read if you want to cry. It follows a girl who is very important in Skittery’s life, she’s Tumbler’s older sister, and she has an unsettled past that catches up to her. It’s so realistic and period-accurate, and honestly it feels like an actual novel. She faces a lot of hard decisions, and throughout the whole thing manages to win the sympathy of the reader. The writing is above and beyond, and the author knows how to put you in your feelings. Angst rating: 9.5. Bonus points for all the dramatic realism! Someone did their historical research :)

on ao3:

Hell is a Sober Crawl - by glitter_ink - Damn, when I say this one hurts, this fucked me up. It’s about Jack’s first time in the refuge & leaving his sister behind. He meets all these prisoners ranging from lost souls to cold killers. The author incorporates themes like drug addiction/withdrawal & mental illness & what it’s like to deal with that in the refuge. For example, one of the guys Jack meets is an opium addict, another gets tuberculosis, another is a sociopath. Jack learns what it is to be a leader. It jumps between then and 1899, showing how his sister is affected by Jack’s past. Very depressing, but very well-done. Angst rating: 10. Another period-accurate one. Will make you want to throw hands with Snyder.

I hope this helped, and good luck with your story-writing!!

[eccentricpony]

juza dating hcs? thank you !!

Hey all! I received quite a few requests for Juza headcanons, so I tried to hit a few aspects of the relationship with this one.

Mostly gender neutral but some fem!reader towards the end.

 First Date

 ·        Firstly, don’t be insulted that you’re going to have to ask him on your first date. If you’re too high on your horse to take the initiative with this shy boy, you ain’t going anywhere.

·        It’s not that he doesn’t like you – quite the contrary, he likes you too much and when you’re around, the already limited amount of pleasantries which he uses to converse is reduced from level 3 (Short, yet complete, sentences) to level 1 (Single words, often times mumbled).  

·        “Hey.” “Yup.” “‘s okay.”

·        Unfortunately, “Want to go out with me sometime?” is at least level 4.

·        To your great relief, despite his furrowed brow you received a whole two words response of “Yeah, sure” when you asked if he’d like to go out with you sometime. The faintest of blushes painted his angular cheeks, and he could probably feel the heat in his face because he deflected his gaze to the pavement.

·        You decided you’d meet at a pretty casual local restaurant for dinner on a Saturday night. Well, more like you suggested it and he nodded, but he did consent.

·        The actual dialogue of your date was abysmal.

·        If Tsuzuru read the manuscript of your verbal exchanges, he would think a bot wrote it.

·        A very poorly programmed bot.

·        BUT

·        His body language belied the staleness of the conversation.

·        He tried not to chew on his thumb nail, but he kept his elbow on the table, hand close to his mouth. He’d look around the room wishing that someone would throw him a cue on what to say next, and every so often, his eyes would fall on you and he’d smile cautiously. It was one of those crooked grins that hooked up the side of his pretty mouth, made his eyes squint slightly. And when his cheek lifted it made his high cheekbone even more defined. Normally, you weren’t this quiet, but whenever he smiled like that it made your motor skills seize.

·        Still does, actually.

·        The night ended cordially, and unsurprisingly anti-climactically. You didn’t get a goodnight kiss but really just be glad he showed up at all, he was terrified. With a little patience and guidance, he’d make it up to you later in the relationship.

  Romance

·        Despite many of his fellow classmates finding him very scarousing, they either never built up the nerve to ask him out, or they tried to ask him out but they gave up when they discovered they’d have to carry the entire conversation, probably forever.

·        Hey, their loss is your gain.

·        It’s true that you’re probably never going to get Homare-level flowery speech from O High’s reluctant neo-gangster, but he finds his own ways to show you how he feels.

·        And talk is cheap anyway! You’ve come to love Juza as a man of few words, but many actions. It may not seem like he’s listening to you due to his lack of responses, but he absorbs everything you say like a sponge.

·        Case in point: Juza picks up some drinks for you both from your favorite coffee shop to surprise you, and you’re astounded that yours is perfectly customized to include all your preferred “no __” and “extra extra ___” even though he hasn’t heard you say it for a few weeks. Maybe all the line memorization has improved his overall information retainment, but know that anything to do with you receives priority storage in his mental notepad.

·        You allow his actions to speak for him, without making him feel badly for it. And it sure as hell pays off.

·        He knows that if you seem upset, he can lay next to you and pull you carefully into his chest without worrying that you’re going to make a big deal about it. You also won’t be angry at him later for his not verbally consoling you.  He trusts that if you need to talk about it, you will, and you trust that every action he makes is sincere and from his heart.

·        Juza really loves skinship. It allows him to speak to you without using words.

·        Sometimes in public, if you’re shopping for groceries or sitting on a park bench, he’ll curl his fingers around the back of your neck and gently stroke your spine, gazing down at you with fondness.

·         If you do happen to ask the reason for the sudden affection, he’ll just smile more widely.

·         “Just thinkin’“ he replies succinctly, but dripping with tenderness.

·        It’s not even accurate to say that he has an opinion on PDA because he doesn’t really behave differently to you in either situation, whether you’re around others or not.

·        He takes your hand in his all the time, without apology, regardless of location or surroundings, lightly stroking your knuckles and squeezing your hand on occasion to emphasize a softly spoken statement.

·        At the same time, he knows what to qualify as universally unacceptable in public forums. And those things he reserves for alone time.

 Alone Time (mildly NSFW)

·        This boy may have the face of a sinner, but he has the romantic experience of a saint.

·        I mean, he’s had a couple of awkward, clumsy juvenile makeout seshes but certainly nothing heart-stoppingly passionate or memorable.

·        That is, until you enter, stage left.

·        Juza isn’t a complicated man. You need not worry about layers of manly posturing, disguising what he really wants or needs, because he will just make it plain. As best as he can, at any rate.

·        He’s handsy, without question, and usually any sexy time that he initiates will begin with a subtle transitory finger glide. The hand across your back creeps steadily down your collarbone. The fingers along your knee trail seductively up your thigh.

·        Once in a while, if he’s really wanting you while you’re in public, he’ll hold your hand innocently, then find a way to “accidentally” brush the backs of his fingers across your butt. Or if he’s growing really restless, he’ll find a way to nestle your clasped hands in the dip of your lap, and then twitch and reposition that hand persistently until you get the hint. Grinning at you all the while with a fiery stare that could melt a metal bar, as though you were the only other person in the room.

·        You didn’t expect this kind of mischief from stoic Juza, but hot damn, you’ll take it.

·        Juza has also mastered the coy eyebrow raise. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, but what he intends to be simply his manner of questioning your interest in a tumble is drenched in such a lusty smolder that you’re instantly seduced every time.

·        He’s not overly vocal when it comes to intimacy (surprise, surprise), but his functioning vocabulary includes an essential set of words that influence you to slow down, go faster, or just basic terms of affirmation and praise.

·        That’s the functioning vocabulary.

·        The non-functioning vocabulary, when you manage to flip a switch that turns stony Juza into steamy Juza, includes some unpredictably dirty words that evoke even dirtier thoughts, which ultimately crescendo into a Juza that is reduced to guttural groans that resonate like soft purrs through his heated body. His sweaty, taut, heated body.

·        Since this wasn’t a NSFW request I’ll stop there, but have fun with that imagery.

 Relationship

·        He said ‘I love you’ first.

·        To be more precise, he said “Love you.”

·        It seems completely improbable, I know, and you never would have believed it when you first started dating, but despite the chiseled poker face, Juza Hyodo is brimming with passion.

·        It was evident to anyone in Autumn Troupe who had witnessed his unyielding persistence as a fledgling actor. He was determined to improve his theatrical abilities, and that same steadfast devotion applies to everything in his life to which he is extremely loyal.

·        One such thing being you.

·        Case in point: riding the crimson wave.

·        “Hey Juza, umm… I need to pick up some, ahh…  girl stuff.” Juza just stared at you blankly, expression unchanged.

·        “So if you want to go wait in the car, it’s okay.” You added, blood rising into your face.

·        “Why‘m I doing that?” he countered with a blank stare, wondering if he did something to piss you off. This was challenging, and not entirely unexpected, that you had to explain yourself more plainly. You were still working on emphasizing your verbal nuances, and maybe you didn’t make your objective obvious enough.

·        “You know, in case you don’t want anyone to see you buying feminine products-”

·        “You think I care about them?” He held your hand tighter, resolutely, looking back down the aisle like a man with a purpose. “C’mon, let’s go get your stuff.”

·        He made you stop by the pain reliever aisle as well, in case you needed anything for your cramps.

·        And he bought you a carton of ice cream, just in case you thought you might have an emotional craving for some later (okay, he had every intention of eating some, too)

 ·        The TL;DR is you were a work in progress like any other happy young couple. You were, and are, patient and never forced him to chatter needlessly. And in turn, you have a partner who is sincere, resolute, and loyal to a fault. Sure, it took some time for him to adjust to a partnership (namely communication), but now you couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

[winterironspiderling]

Sorry if you’ve answered something like this before but, do you have any tips of writing slow burn, and just writing in general? Lol thank you and love your work!

No worries! I’m always down to talk about writing. Thank you for your kind words. :)

To write a slow burn, you will want to start with the main pairing as strangers, acquaintances, or even enemies. You could also start them as friends, but if you begin with the two having a close relationship already, it would be hard to draw that out because friends to lovers basically only adds kissing and physical intimacy, but if you start from the very beginning/first meeting you have more time to develop the relationship, which will take more words, and make the burn slower.

No matter what level of relationship you start the pairing at, there has to be a reason why they can’t be together yet because if you start with no obstacle, it will be hard to justify why they aren’t together. Obstacles could be the characters are in other relationships, one or both might have just gotten out of a bad/abusive relationship, they’re in a bad place mentally/physically, and distance or other characters are keeping them apart. This also gives you something to overcome not just in the relationship, but for the individual characters and their journey, and it adds depth to the plot. And the richer the plot, the more you can draw it out and slow down the burn!

To make the slow burn enjoyable instead of annoying or frustrating, try not to make overcoming the relationship obstacles or individual challenges “too easy” for the characters. They should have near misses and setbacks, or it won’t feel satisfying or intriguing when they finally get together, or oppositely, if it’s too hard and drawn out, and there’s one shitty event after the other, it will feel like okay!!! enough already!!! So try to space out good and bad events and keep it balanced. :)

Know when to time skip and when to accept that you just need to write an entire scene. Time skipping can rush character development and make the ending feel unearned, but writing every detail of the characters’ lives can get boring to read. When you need some exposition or world building and not just fun plot or explicit scenes try to use the seemingly mundane interactions to your advantage to further the plot, introduce characters, build character(s), build relationships, foreshadow, or make fun references to canon.

For an example of all of the above points, in my story Disorder, Tony and Peter have their first meeting, and what’s holding them back from being together is Peter’s age and his poor mental health and self-image. He has a lot of good moments and bad moments, and doesn’t just lose weight and gain confidence over night. I take Tony and Peter throughout a working relationship, then a friendship, and then the buildup of an intimate relationship, and when I’m not outlining every personal training session between the two, I’m building their relationships and friendships with other people and giving both of them a chance to interact in other spaces besides the gym. So Peter will be at school with Ned and MJ showing his sense of humour, interacting with Flash, and maybe mentioning the upcoming Decathlon ten chapters later, so that when I bring it up later, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. Then I might skip a week to the next lesson with Tony because if you’re reading a Starker story, obviously you want most of the interactions to be Tony/Peter. :)

Adding in more people than the main pairing makes for a well-rounded story because other characters exist and help make the main pairing who they are. (For Peter, I like Ned, MJ, May, Flash, and Mr. Delmar, and for Tony, I like Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Jarvis, and Nebula. Bucky is just a necessity for every story, also. ;) ) Making the side characters funny or interesting, or inserting running jokes about them will make the parts with those people more enjoyable to read, even if the pairing isn’t featured.

Short chapter length or transitional chapters are necessary, but can be tedious because you don’t want to have an info dump, but you don’t want to go through the pain of writing an entire interaction and scene just for the sake of increasing word count, so accepting that not every chapter is going to be the Best Chapter is important. If you need to get information across about the backstory, or exposition, you can have it expressed through dialogue, or do a little bit of info dumping at a time and try to weave it into other things, so it’s not huge chunks of info that can be boring or confusing.

Add a little bit of your own personality to the writing too. I’m not really a poetic writer, and I prefer to write snappy dialogue and let character dynamics do the work, but some people can talk about the flowering trees and the winding roads of the countryside. I don’t know anything about that lol, so when I try to write it, I feel silly and then the scene suffers because I’m not saying anything I actually care about. So write the style that feels most natural to you and it won’t be boring because you’ll be able to feel your energy in the story, and writers are what bring a lot of the emotion to the fan fiction. Every reader likes something different, so write for your own tastes and the people who like your style will stick around.

There’s a time and place for surprises or complications, but the type that you put into the story should be consistent with the expectations you and the readers have—whether you’ve stated these by your tags or the plot summary. Example, a coffee shop AU doesn’t turn into a sex worker AU, or soft, domestic Tony doesn’t turn into a dark stalker. Those are valid occurrences, but they’re so different that it’s not a fun twist for readers…it’s legitimately not what they signed up for. A surprise in Disorder that works is when you find out Tony’s own personal struggles during his POV with Rhodey. It adds depth to his character and another layer to his dynamic with Peter, but it isn’t shocking or contrary to what I’ve already written.

For most of Disorder, Tony and Peter each don’t think the other would be interested, or if they were, “not right now” or “not because of the age difference” etc... and I kept having them almost connect/admit it, but then I’d hold back. Knowing when and how I wanted them to get together from the very beginning helped with the slow burn as well because I had to think of how to get them from point A to B. I knew I wanted Peter to be at good place mentally, but not perfect, and I wanted May to be more accepting of the relationship, so it became a game of filling in the blanks instead of just starting a story with no end in sight, and then it feels difficult to give it direction.

Creating outlines and templates for a story helps me. Like a table that outlines which characters are featured in a chapter, and any major plot points, and just general info.This way when you go to write future chapters or edit, you don’t have to reread everything, and when it’s all laid out in front of you, it can be easier to be like, “Oh, this just happened in Chapter 1, so I don’t want another crazy event to happen in Chapter 5 because I want the energy of the story to be evenly spaced.”

Edit not just for grammar but for subtle mistakes like repeating a lot of the same phrases and words. I tend to overuse “just” and start a lot of sentences with, “well”, so I have to be careful of that. Also for continuity like if Peter is sitting down in one paragraph, and then you say he sat down in the next paragraph even though he’s already sitting...

Decide how you want your story to be regarding realism, whether it’s in the context of an AU or a canon-compliant story. Maybe you don’t care about being realistic to our universe, and maybe you want to write something completely off the wall. There should be some sort of structure and consistency with the characters so that the reader feels stable and like they can trust where you’re going. Even if you want to write a master/slave AU where Tony keeps Peter on a leash, or something like a body swap, there’s still things that you can do to keep it realistic in the context of that story. Like if Tony was portrayed as a very loyal and possessive master, he’s not going to be sharing Peter with someone later in the story, unless you’ve decided that him getting over that is necessary to the plot, and sufficient character building shows him slowly becoming more open. Or in a body swap, if Peter and Tony switch, they’re not going to immediately go and put each other at risk or use their bodies to betray one another.

So I don’t know what you’re writing, but no matter what, try creating mystery by leaving things unsaid/undiscovered, or raising questions within the plot for readers to find out later. You don’t have to give up everything right away! (I know it’s hard not to spill the beans, but it lets people figure things out on their own or wonder if you’ll mention it again.) (Make sure you remember if you’re doing this so you don’t accidentally create a plot hole.) An example of this in Disorder is raising the topic of will Peter go to college, or not. Eventually he decides. Another is why Tony doesn’t like to give cards in his gifts, and then eventually he gives one to Peter, and it makes it really special. <3

I hope this helps!

[missjanjie]

These Words are My Own (From My Heart) | Crygi

Title: These Words are My Own (From My Heart) Summary:   Gigi brings a journal with her to the Drag Race set, intending to keep it as a way to express her thoughts during the competition and quell her anxiety. Instead, it becomes the narration of a love story that unfolded behind the scenes. Word Count: 2415 Relationship(s): Crygi (Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode) Rating: M Notes: This is a diary/journal-style fic, so it’s written from Gigi’s POV throughout

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July 22nd 2019

I don’t know what I expected from the first day of filming, but it was… a lot. The two group thing puts on that extra level of pressure, and I can already feel a little sliver of anxiety trying to wiggle its way in. Not that I’d ever let it show, of course. It’s way too early to worry.

As far as the other girls… I actually like them all, which, let’s be honest, is the biggest shock of them all. I almost kind of wanted an enemy. But I think I might have found the opposite. Crystal.

Crystal is weird. She’s so fucking weird, but she’s funny and kind and smells really nice and is super cute out of drag. I don’t know where I’m going with this. We just had an instant connection, and I think it’ll be a nice thing to have in a situation like this.

July 25th 2019

Holy shit. The first episode is done. I’m so fucking tired. And I fucking crushed it, oh my god. I didn’t expect anything less, of course. This is a sign for how the competition’s gonna be for me, I just know it.

But anyways.

Crystal told a joke during dinner that made me shoot water out of my nose. Nicky called me a sprinkler for the rest of the night, so fuck her. Besides, Crystal said it was cute. I know, I’m sounding like I have a crush on her, but I don’t. I just appreciate being around her, we get along well. So let me reiterate: I do not have a crush on Crystal.

July 26th 2019

I have a crush on Crystal.

They’re filming the other premiere today and we had some time to sneak away. I don’t know who she got weed from, but I owe them my life. We shared a joint and whenever she had it I just… stared at her. I don’t know how to explain it – she looked all glowy in the sunlight. Her hair – that fucking mullet – looked so soft and shiny, she looked like art.

I hate her. I want to hold her dumb hand and kiss her stupid face.

July 29th 2019

Crystal has a boyfriend. Of course she has a fucking boyfriend. Why wouldn’t she? There’s probably like, six other gay guys in Springfield and I bet they all want her. This is why I don’t do crushes. Crushes are bullshit. This is bullshit.

But… she held my hand in the van today. That was nice.

Fuck.

July 30th 2019

I kinda avoided Crystal on set today. I felt bad but it just made me sad and that’s not something I’m gonna deal with. I think Jackie suspects something’s up though. Her mama bear senses are tingling, I just know it. I thought it’d be annoying, but it’s nice having someone older and wiser keeping an eye on me.

Oh my god, Jackie’s my babysitter. Maybe I should talk to her about Crystal. I feel like she’d listen. She’ll probably try too hard to help, like it’s a puzzle that she needs to solve, but if I have to tell someone, it’d be her. And maybe it’ll make me miss Crystal a little less.

July 31st 2019

I was wrong, Jackie’s not my babysitter, she’s my mom. Not in a bad way, because obviously my mom’s the best, but in that she got very invested in the Crystal situation in the same way my mom always likes to hear about whatever guy I’m dating.

The good news is that Crystal’s relationship is open. I mean, that is good news, right? It feels like it should be, and my heart wants to latch onto the fact that I could have her in some capacity. Having her in any capacity almost feels like it’d be enough, at least for now.

She asked me if something was wrong, said I seemed ‘distant’. What was I supposed to do, tell her the truth? That’s ridiculous. I just apologized and said I was dealing with migraines. She offered to smoke me out next time she gets her hands on anything. And I know I’m not gonna be able to say no to her, there’s no point in even trying.

August 5th 2019

I think Crystal knows I like her. The energy between us has shifted and it… feels kinda good. She’s more touchy, more giggly. I think she even flirted with me today. I don’t know if she figured it out on her own, or if Jackie told her, but she’s onto me.

The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it. Yes, she’s in an open relationship, so it’s ‘technically’ okay, but it’s not the same. I don’t have anything against it, but… I don’t know, maybe I’m just selfish and want Crystal all to myself.

I feel guilty, then I feel stupid for feeling guilty, because I know I don’t need to be. Make it make sense.

August 6th 2019

If Jackie tells me one more time that I ‘need to talk to Crystal about my feelings’, I’m gonna blow up her spot about all those not-so-platonic gazes she keeps directing at a certain singing queen. She thinks I haven’t noticed, but she’s not subtle either. I wouldn’t do it on camera, though. That’d get too messy.

Besides, I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to explaining how I feel anyway. I don’t like explaining myself and I don’t like all that ‘bare your soul’ type of emotional intimacy. All I know is that I want Crystal in every way you can want someone. But that doesn’t seem like enough to say. Like, if I’m gonna spill my guts, I’d have to go all out. And I don’t want to do that. So. I’m gonna stay quiet and wait for this to blow over, like a normal person.

August 9th 2019

Crystal kissed me.

We were in the back of the van. I was talking about… I don’t even remember what I was talking about, but out of nowhere, she just kisses me, like it was normal, like it was the easiest thing in the world. It was soft, gentle, but with this little hint of desire that still has me hot under the collar.

And I didn’t know what to say. What the fuck was I supposed to say? I asked, “what was that for?” And she just smiled and said “you look really pretty and I wanted to.”

I wish I could’ve said something smart and funny, or flirt and bat my lashes. But no, that’s Gigi’s confidence and attitude. This was all Sam, an idiot whose brain short-circuited after one kiss. “Oh, thanks,” was all I said and I’m gonna be kicking myself for it until I’m dead. And right now, I’m hoping that’s soon.

August 12th 2019

I kissed Crystal this time. I needed to gain some semblance of control here. She seemed surprised, but also kind of relieved. Had she been worried I was mad or freaked out? Funny enough, her being relieved made me feel relieved too. I think we’re on the same page now. I don’t know what this means for us now, but I feel like it means something.

August 13th 2019

The good news is I’ve got Jackie off my back for now. The bad news is it’s because her girlfriend is probably planning my murder. I mean, at the end of the day, a win is a win. But the bruise I had on my ass for a week is a poignant reminder that Jan was a jock who could snap me in half if she wanted to.

Which is also weirdly hot? I can see why Jackie’s ‘secretly’ pining for her and shit. Or maybe I’m getting too lonely and need to get Crystal’s mouth on me again. Not even in a dirty way, though that mental image sure is nice…

August 14th 2019

Maybe I thought about that mental image too much, because I had a sex dream about Crystal last night, like, a hot one.

We were in the werkroom, the only ones in there, and Crystal’s sitting up on one of the tables, I’m standing in between his legs and we’re making out. Then it’s kinda blurry, but next, we’re both naked and I have him bent over the table. And I can remember pulling his hair and listening to him moan while I fuck him. It felt real, and I haven’t had a wet dream since high school.

I just hope it doesn’t affect me when I get on set, I can’t afford to lose focus because I’m too busy thinking about jumping Crystal’s bones.

August 19th 2019

So… I guess in a way, I manifested more physical intimacy between Crystal and I. I was telling him how I was all stressed and wound up after not doing well in the last challenge, and that I don’t think I did well with this one, and he’s quiet for a moment, then goes “let me help you feel better.”

And I’m just like, okay? I didn’t know what to expect, but then he takes his jacket off and puts it over my lap and… I’m perplexed. I’m intrigued. I’m aroused. Even when he’s undoing my jeans, I’m thinking, ‘there’s no way he’s actually gonna do this, right?’ But the only person that keeps an eye on us in the van is Jackie, and he’s got his own problems to worry about.

Long story short, Crystal jerked me off in the back of the van. It was hotter than I thought it’d be – I guess having to stay quiet because four other queens and a PA could’ve caught us adds an extra thrill. Of course, I would’ve returned the favor if we’d had time. Next time, though. Next time.

August 21st 2019

‘Next time’ did happen, and it came back to bite me on the ass. I didn’t think people really had Freudian slips until the way I said “we’re fucking in the top six” in Untucked. It didn’t help that Crystal had this smirky grin. Ugh, I could’ve died.

I feel like everyone knows, honestly. That they’re just not saying anything to be polite. I’m sure once this is all over, I’ll never hear the end of it, though.

August 24th 2019

I think I’m in love with Crystal. I knew I loved her, admired her, but… it’s more than that. And I think I’ve known for a while, but I haven’t been able to articulate it. Because it feels so different from anything I’ve ever felt before. Crystal is so different from anyone I’ve ever met before.

I don’t know what this means for us when this is all over. It’s not like I expect her to leave her boyfriend and move in with me here in LA. But I wouldn’t say no to that either, you know? Right now I feel selfish, that I just want her all to myself. But maybe I’m just sad that come Monday, it’ll be the last chunk of time we’ll have together for a while.

It’s barely been over a month and I already can’t picture my world without her. And… yeah, I’m in love with her.

August 29th 2019

Crystal and I had one day together before he had to go back home, and we made the most of it. We did the cute shit like go out to eat and take a walk, but I also got to take him back to my apartment and fuck him like I wanted to since day one.

I don’t know what this means for us, now. He’s back in Missouri, getting ready for the next Get Dusted show. I’m here, still in full drag after a photoshoot. I guess this is ‘back to normal’, but I don’t know how anything is ever going to feel normal again.

October 18th 2019

Filming Drag Race feels worlds away now, it’s weird being too busy to write most of the time. But by the same hand, it’s nice to always be occupied, lord knows I need it.

I still talk to Crystal every day, either through text or calls or FaceTime. It’s nice to be reassured he thinks of me as much as I think of him. When I’m alone, I start to worry that maybe this was one-sided. But I don’t need to say that to him, he can tell when I feel weird and talks me down without even trying.

The thing is, I’ve always felt the most beautiful when I am Gigi, like it’s the best representation of who I am. But Crystal makes me feel beautiful even when I just woke up and he’s listening to me complain about greasy skin. I didn’t really think about something like that, about letting someone else make me feel the way I thought I could only do for myself.

Crystal is just that special.

November 2nd 2019

Crystal told me he’s in love with me for the first time. I knew, I think I knew, but I didn’t realize how much it would mean to finally hear it. I cried, and I couldn’t even be embarrassed about it.

What was funny to me was when Crystal apologized. He said he’d known for so long, and felt guilty that he kept waiting to say it. He told me he didn’t think he could give me what he wanted because he wants to stay in Missouri. I told him I don’t care how far apart we are, or who he was with.

We have something special. I don’t care what it is, we’ll make it work. And besides, the promo shoot is just two months away.

January 4th 2020

I can’t even begin to explain how good it feels to be back with the cast. Obviously I’m thrilled to see Crystal, but all of us together just makes me feel whole. Jackie asked me how things with Crystal are, I said they couldn’t be better. I asked how things with Jan are, she said there are ‘a lot of question marks’.

Compared to them, my relationship with Crystal really isn’t that complicated. We love each other, we don’t need to put a label on that. I don’t know what’s going to happen when the show airs, but I know I’ll have Crystal. Even when we’re sixteen hundred miles apart.