#shoutouts to earl blumenauer i guess

[trevisos]

god but watching all the ascension stuff w/ramza last night has me so insane about xarrastarion. because like the thing is he never really Stops wanting to manipulate them up until the ritual happens (there is some nuance to what’s happening After that if i get into now i’ll get nothing done at work today at all lol) but just instead of “how can i keep myself safe” it’s “how can i keep them mine” and it’s not about possessiveness (deeply not a thing for the two of them) it’s about well. that one fucking line after you ascend him. “he will always see you as degrading yourself if you continue to be with him.” and it’s not about being insecure or whatever like idk it would be very easy to woobify him here and to be like “poor baby is insecure and sad etc etc etc” and yeah there’s an element here of like. feeling unworthy or whatever. but he’s not really wallowing in that? it’s not the tear filled “why would you ever love someone like me :((((((“ conversations i think people want to see with characters like this it’s very much like. i’m going to do everything i can to Make you love me. i know you said you care for me but the clock is ticking and eventually my burdens will be too much to bear and i have to make the value proposition of my being in your life sound appealing despite all that. he feels that way regardless, but once you get to the ritual the difference between ascended and spawn endings is that for ascended it’s “maybe you like degrading yourself” and spawn recognizes that they don’t see it as degrading at all.

and i think with xarrai specifically like. he believes they care for him. he believes they intend to help him kill cazador come hell or high water. but he also believes them to be someone who is calculating and always aware of the cost and benefit of keeping people around (whether he’s 100% right about that is a different story tho) and so he feels like. idk. the stakes feel high no matter how honestly they try to show him they care for him and need and want nothing else from him. i feel like that line after the spawn ambush that’s like “i’m doing this for you too, you know. to make sure we’re both safe.” is exactly the heart of it - it’s a very valid interpretation to say that’s more manipulation and is entirely a lie but i think there’s something compelling in seeing it as true. manipulative to an extent, but true. xarrai could tell him honestly and plainly that they absolutely want nothing more than his companionship and he would Still be trying to find a way to keep them his because i think the idea of losing what they have, of losing whatever “something real” means is like. unthinkable. and drives him to consider ascension the only option because it would allow him to keep hold of the things he wants and loves; power, sunlight, and them.