#shoutout to the brain tumor

[loopywithwitch]

Ya know I’m in a theater production rn and here are the top things that have happened:

1. Jacob’s ladder

2. My Immortal

3. Baggie of random unmarked pills

4. A techie watching elf during a production

5. Drugs

6. Getting high off fabreeze

7. Having allergic reactions to febreeze, subsequently

8. Olive Garden

9. Cringe posting

10. Talking about peeing

11. Hair cuts backstage

12. Weird vibes

13. LARPing as Mario

14. Adlibbing country songs

15. Reddit gore pictures

16. Custom wordle

17. Seizures on stage

18. Edinburgh college

19. Eating roses

20. Soy sauce packet on stage

21. Splenda/sugar packet being thrown (one actor threw it at another while they were both onstage!?)

22. Throwing glitter in an alley and singing let it go.

23. Fnaf music

26. Witerally

[chrysanthesun]

Forever; How do you know?

An image, a mirror, a feeling

A lie

How do you know if something is forever?

It feels like forever, but you feel forever all the time

A million lives, a million paths

Which one is true?

To choose.

A choice between the forever you could have and the uncertainty of the now

Is my love deep enough to last forever?

How do you know?

If something is forever, not just a crutch to fall back on

I want fireworks

I want the fire and the flame and the burns

But what if the burns render me incapable of burning again?

Nothing left but ash

Nothing left to call my forever

To give up safety for freedom, a chance at a life for a chance of a lifetime?

Forever could be good

It could be soft, and kind, and sweet

But it may be soft like fine-grain sandpaper, wearing down the edges until there’s nothing left

Kind enough to make one used to it, keeping one complacent

Sweet enough to rot the teeth out of one’s skull

But is it worth giving up forever for a flash of lightning, a spark of flame that burns down before the night is over?

Forever. For everything, every time, everywhere, but only one.

How do you know?

[almonddirge]

Excited that after over a year I’m actually about to have an appointment but also I’m concerned they’ll just say all the test readings are normal and send me home. The horror stories are getting to me.

[kafkaoftherubble]

把死人给带回来？ 难道...?！

// If They Are Bringing Back the Dead...

This post contains spoilers for Chapter 184.1 of To Your Eternity.

It also contains speculations galore. This is NOT a meta essay.

Shoutout to my homie branetheory in Discord!

Thanks to them, I was reminded of what Parts of My Brain had wanted to talk about:

Bruh. I can't believe ToFu made me so high last night that I forgot to talk about this.

Honestly I regret nothing Okay, memory water.

A little Kafka Aside: I'm gonna have to consciously ignore how... not-there the scientific backing for this is. Honestly, this Memory Water thing reminded me of the New Age/Pseudoscientific idea of "water memory" or Masaru Emoto's "water consciousness" thing or DNA teleportation. However, this is a story where weirder shits have happened, so suspension of disbelief willingly and gleefully granted. I just need to get this out of my head first.

To reiterate, Kaibara's experimental procedure involves

Extracting cells from a person's body

"Turn" it into water (how?)

Make a "clone" drink it (who?)

-----------------------------------------------------

Who could these clones be?

The only clones we know so far are the Mizuha clones. Their existence seems to imply a similar purpose to Hayase's descendants—they are supposed to inherit Hayase's Will, which is 95% "get injected with a tumor we call the Left Hand Nokker."

But Nokkers have long become invisible and fully integrated into this ecosystem. In the Future Era, they are embedded in tag chips, and they grant the bodies they possess all sorts of abilities and augmentations.

What would an inheritance of Hayase's Will even look like here? At first, I thought it would be similar: a tag chip with the Left Hand in it. Mizuha's, uh, possession (for the lack of a better word) manifested through the same mechanism other Nokkers used, after all.

However, the story gradually told us that the clones had all been massacred via an unknown operation for yet-untold reasons. Why would they do that?

Were these clones failures?

If they were failures, then it would make sense why Kaibara treated them as disposable; after all, in the past, the Guardians always exalted Hayase's Descendant(s) no matter how incompetent they were at their mission. Failure to secure Fushi's seeds I mean love never made them disposable enough to be killed, right?

So, as branetheory (crediting my homie even though they might not see this ahahhahah) also thought—

Could it be that Hayase herself has been successfully reincarnated in the body of one of these clones? (8)

I assigned this hypothesis an 8, or "80% confidence level."

Is she who you're gonna see, Bon?

Why would Kaibara need so many Mizuha clones in the first place? They only need one Descendant. They only have one Left-Hand Nokker...

Unless these clones were made specifically for bringing back Hayase. They were all experiments. Few experiments ever go right at the first trial. But this? Experiments this challenging and important as "recreating our legendary progenitor, Hayase?"

It will definitely require a lot of trial and error. So these clones were made to be expendables.

Honestly, who would name their offspring with numbers if they weren't meant to be seen as expendables?

----

There is an interesting point to note: Memory Water only works if one has a Nokker implanted in them. Remember how Abel can't drink it and instantly know the answers to their stupid-ass questions?

So do all clones have Nokkers implanted in them? They all own a tag chip, after all. But there is only one Left Hand Nokker, and that bitch seems deadset on possessing only Hayase's appointed heir (or in this case, Hayase herself).

Does that mean

all the clones have their own Nokkers, but none of it is the Left Hand, until the Experiment? (3) OR

all the clones have empty tag chips until the Experiment, in which the Left Hand Nokker is then implanted inside before the subject drinks the Memory Water? (6) OR

other hypotheses I could not think of at the moment? (1)

------------------------------------------

Doro and Her Sisters: Were They Trying To Stage a Rebellion Against Kaibara's Highest Echelon? (7)

Assigned (7); "70% confidence level"

Could this scene actually depict a failed experimental result, where #32/Doro was the subject? After all, she didn't look like she died in a massacre. She looked like she died alone, leaving her sisters behind..

Doro liaisoned with Fushi in secret. So secretly, Tonari didn't know it happened.

Why would she do that? Way back then, me and the Discord gang had speculated some sort of clash between Doro and the rest of Kaibara. At that time, I think our speculation was that it had to do with the Wish-granting Orb specifically.

But now, with this new information in mind...

Could it be that the liaison was part of the clones' planned rebellion? (6)

Assigned 6; "60% confidence level."

It could be that, in addition to passing vital information about Kaibara to Fushi (who is still not exactly forthcoming about what they know so far), Doro was also trying to ensure that the Wish-granting Orb will never fall into the Highest Echelon's hands.

Was her conviction formed out of concerns about what Kaibara might do with the orb?

Or was her reasoning more pragmatic—she didn't want Kaibara to have the power to crush her rebellion?

----

Back to the number-as-naming convention. What if these weren't names, but the assigned turn of each clone for the ultimate experiment (6)? If that's the case, then Doro is the 32nd experiment that failed.

That's a lot. And the fact that she failed would mean the experiment will keep going. The clones will keep being bred to be used for these experiments. It's a conflict ripe for seeds of rebellion, right?

And so, there are extra hypotheses as to why the clones were massacred in the first place:

Hayase has been successfully reincarnated (8)

The clones' rebellion plan has been found out (7)

Hayase has been successfully reincarnated AND the clones' rebellion plan has been found out (5.6; 8/10×7/10)

----------------------------------------

Dolly's Purpose(s)

While Doll's original purpose might have been for amusement and fun—Doro rescued it from some trash heap and just engineered it to be a playmate—I had always found its ability to dish out powerful punches suspicious. Why would a playmate be good at granting people concussions in the first place?!

And it was good enough to take out mercenaries, right?

I'm quite confident that Doll's punch is a defensive ability to guard whatever's stored in its memory (9).

I should review what Previous Me had speculated:

Doll holds Doro's brainwaves or consciousness

Doll holds the Left Hand Nokker within it

Doll is a combination of Doro's consciousness/brainwaves and its original AI

There is also the speculation that Doll is the Wish-granting Orb itself, but I think the confidence level for that hypothesis has gone pretty low... at least to me, personally. It sits at less than 10%.

Now, I want to add new hypotheses and rearrange them from most confident to least:

Doll's memories include Kaibara's top secret: key infrastructures, their real master(s), their experiments, whatever information they have gained about the Wish-granting Orb, their master plan to counter Fushi, and the like. Things that could give rebelling clones an edge. (8)

Doll holds Doro's brainwaves/consciousness integrated within its original AI (7)

Doll holds Doro's brainwaves/consciousness AND it is Doro's consciousness/memories that possess knowledge of Kaibara's top secret (5.6; 8/10×7/10)

Doll holds the Left Hand Nokker (less than 2)

The first (and by extension, the third) hypothesis can be supplemented by the fact that Kaibara really wants the Doll. Why, if not because the Doll holds vital information regarding the entire company?

They could go after it for Doro's consciousness, sure, but the priority would drop a lot more, wouldn't it? ...Unless the third hypothesis is true!

The second hypothesis can be partially supplemented by Abel's dedication to possessing the Doll; he really cherished Doro, and to him, the Doll could lead him to her again. He also claimed that Doro "is still alive," though when pressed, he gave no evidence.

Was it wistful thinking, or could he have been privy to Doro's experiment to transfer her consciousness into Doll? Did he really know nothing about Doro's death?

There is also the "Now I am human" line Doro uttered while blindfolded. Given we now know what the clones are used for, Doro might see her existence to be inhuman/subhuman because of her real purpose. Maybe, to her, she could feel more human by being a doll than in her human body.

Hell, who knows? Doro might secretly envy Abel's humanness—a guy who was likely born from normal copulation and couldn't fit in with the rest of the Tagged society, yet all the more a genuine human being than the rest of them.

-----------------------------------

What is the nature of Doll's Brainwaves?

Could it have been a digital transfer, or could it have used a similar mechanism to the Memory Water?

----------------------------------

Miscellaneous Implications of Memory Water Bringing Back the Dead

Bruh I swear if they reincarnated the Nameless Boy to torment Fushi I will fucking sever my friendship with Left Hand Nokker and nuke their Paradise. Oh hi Left Hand, nothing over here.

----------------------------------

And that concludes my hypotheses round-up, updated to only Chapter 184.1. Remember! Y'all are always welcome to reblog and add your own thoughts to it!

Fuck, I will be so honored if y'all Fushi-fied my writing by adding absolutely anything.

Thank you for reading my ramble. Rest assured, I have prepared just the right image for the moment I clown myself by having most of my hypotheses come out spectacularly falsified:

(Hi everyone this is Kei from Ajin)

[themeaninglessjumble]

This might hav been illegal now that I think about it but shoutout to the brain surgeon at a Halloween party who ended up standing awkwardly in the same corner that I (11 years old) was standing awkwardly in and to make conversation, instead of like, asking me what grade I was in or whatever, pulled up pictures he took removing a tumor from someone’s brain.

[siffrin-enthusiast]

shoutout to the time i had to miss about a few weeks of school to get a three day eeg and brain scans (mri AND ct scans AND blood tests AND stat orders over and over again) with a doctor's note every single time because they thought i had a brain tumor and i was STILL almost taken to truancy court even though i was privileged enough to be able to do everything "right". there is no winning!!

When I say “school should be disability accessible”, I don’t just mean we need handicap rails and EAs. Kids should be able to miss a day without failing out of school. You shouldn’t be dismissed from clubs because your attendance record is “spotty” (true story). I once missed an entire week of school because of a terrible, unending migraine. I was expected to keep up with my studies despite the blinding pain that came with working on my computer. When I heard my teachers say that you couldn’t miss exams, I asked what I would have to do to be excused from them. Their response? “Either get a doctor’s note an hour before the exam or death of an immediate family member.”

I cannot express how rigid this expectation was. First of all, with my condition, I wouldn’t have enough warning about my sickness to go to the doctor and request a note. For many people, this is exceptionally difficult, especially with the current shortage of medical professionals. Next, it ignores the fact that my schedule may not line with theirs because of my medical needs. Once, I had to visit a hospital a province away (which I was on the waiting list of for over a year) on the same day as an exam. I begged my mother not to take me because I was so nervous that I would be marked as an automatic fail. I was lucky enough to make it work, but that’s only because of my spectacular support system consisting of family members and wonderful doctors.

Disabilities aren’t always about needing a bus that can accommodate wheelchairs. It’s already difficult enough for many of us to maintain school attendance without the harsh punishments involved for skipping a day. We need to be able to miss school without being punished. Only than can you claim that the school is “accessible”

[muteoilydiscolour]

Year in Review

Yes I’m posting this way into January. HOWEVER, time isn’t real. I started making this post in Dec and then left it in my drafts, which is something I do pretty much every year! So let’s pretend ‘this year’ means 2020

a picture of you taken this year

This was at an fun exhibition in a huge decrepid warehouse, when things were briefly open in October

talk about movies this year

I work in a cinema so usually watch a lot of movies, but that hasn’t happened as much this year! I managed to miss out on two films because of lockdown 1 + 2 - And Then We Danced and Saint Maud, which I still really want to see!

My fav films I watched this year are The Lighthouse, Parasite, David Copperfield, My Own Private Idaho, Ema (I guess, the plot was wild but the production is great), Shirley, Sunset Boulevard and Nausicaa

talk about television this year

GUYS. It’s taken 6 years but I have nearly finished The X-Files! Or, I’ve made it to season 9. I’ve been a bit put off because I hate Doggett but Reyes is cool and there’s still a lot of fun eps! Other faves from this year: Drag Race UK, What We Do in the Shadows, Succession, I May Destroy You, Feel Good, BoJack Horseman, Schitt’s Creek, Ratched, and Pose (not from this year but I finally watch s2 and loved it!)

talk about books this year

I have literally read 3 books this year: Convenience Store Woman, Song of Solomon and The Body Keeps the Score. All good, esp the latter 2. I bought a bunch of books just before lockdown but then my brain dissolved into a fine mush. I’ve just started The Brothers Karamazov, which I’m enjoying! I didn’t realise Dostoyevsky could be funny.

talk about food this year

food is lyf

My birthday is at the end of March so I spent it essentially alone (my housemates were around but they don’t count), and I spent several hours making and icing my birthday cake.

At the beginning of lockdown I got into making myself nice breakfasts of waffles or pancakes with lots of fruit/yoghurt/honey.

Some recipe recs:

Leek, Pesto and Squash Pie (I made this with added peas/kale/veggie sausage, and mashed potato on top)

Jambalaya (I make this without chicken and use veg stock)

Spaghetti alla Puttanesca (I have only recently started to appreciate the greatness of spaghetti)

Salted Caramel Pear Cake

Carrot Cake

talk about music this year

Spotify playlist of songs I’ve enjoyed this year!

Fav albums:

Fiona Apple - Fetch the Bolt Cutters

Sufjan Stevens - The Ascension

Porridge Radio - Every Bad

Rina Sawayama - SAWAYAMA

Moses Sumney - Grae

Yves Tumor - Heaven to a Tortured Mind (this is currently on repeat!)

Perfume Genius - Set My Heart on Fire Immediately

Jessie Ware - What’s Your Pleasure

Dorian Electra - My Agenda

Having some of my favs release albums means I’ve been able to read lots of interviews with them, such as this Fiona Apple interview.

talk about art this year

I was lucky enough to do a London trip at the end of Feb (and met @angelsofashes IRL!) so I got to look at a bunch of art then, although I think just went to the White Cube Bermondsey and the Tate Modern extension which I hadn’t got round to visiting before.

OH and in the National Portrait Gallery I discovered young Charles Dickens is my doppelganger which I still find hilarious.

something that made you proud this year

I finished my Graphic Arts MA in January and got a distinction! I worked so hard on my final project so it was nice to have that recognised even though it’s essentially meaningless. I also was lucky enough to have a final show.

Other than that, proud of everyone for making it through I guess!

something that made you laugh this year

A lot of bad memes, such as:

something that made you sad this year

*Gestures at everything*

something that made you happy this year

Friends, sunshine, watching people walk their dogs

your favorite photo this year

idk, I take so many photos - but here’s a nice cat refusing to face the camera

what you learned this year

I’ve kind of learned how to use After Effects! Slowly getting better at animation

travel you did this year

I managed to do a few trips around Devon/London/Kent in Feb/Mar, which was pretty lucky. Aside from that... uhhhhhhhh

I also bought a railcard in Feb lmao, and they’re not refunding or extending them, of course

Something which caught your interest this year

I’ve been listening to podcasts all the time (as a substitute for actual company I guess!) Literally one of the few things keeping me sane. Some recs:

You’re Wrong About

Museum of the Vanishing Dog (shoutout to tumblr user @boyhood!​)

Caraboo Projects loops

talk about politics or current events this year

uhhhhhhhhh

tbh the US election was a welcome distraction, esp as it happened when I had to Covid isolate - nice for an election result to not be disastrous for once

3 goals for next year

Find somewhere to live (I’m being chucked out of my current place this summer because, mysteriously, they want to make it a student flat)

Survive/stay healthy if possible

Maybe search for that elusive 5-figure salary

talk about things you are excited for next year.

uhhhhhhhhhh

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[bridgecityswift13]

hi. so i’ve talked about this a few times on here but i usually end up deleting it but today i’m not. 2 years ago today (december 8th 2018) i was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor in my cerebellum. (also got my tickets to reputation but that’s not the point) this was the day my entire life changed. i started having pretty bad headaches in march of 2017 and i’m not one to complain so i didn’t really say anything. they got worse and worse to the point where i started throwing up and passing out at school so obviously my mom made me go to the doctors. i got a neuro exam (and passed) so it just sounded like migraines so he set up a CT scan just to be sure. my scan was a week later (friday the eighth) and the monday if that week i passed out in the school bathroom and went to the ER and they told me i had UTI and there was no reason of a CT scan. but obviously we still wanted one so we didn’t cancel it. i was fine the rest of the week. friday came and they told us they found a tumor in my cerebellum and that’s all the info they had. we got rushed to boston children’s and got another neuro test and a 3 1/2 hr MRI on my brain and spine (then my braces were on and they couldn’t read the scan so they took them off and i had to do it again lmao) not only did i have a tumor the size of a grape fruit but i also had encephalitis (inflation of the brain) which is almost more dangerous then the tumor. i was in the hospital for 11 days total. i had my surgery monday dec 11th but honestly i don’t remember much from that day. it was 14 hours long and it went really well!! they took out 80% of my tumor! recovery was hard. i had to relearn how to walk and i couldn’t move my neck because they cut through all my neck muscles. i was home in time for christmas and i went back to school on january 9th 2018!! i had my follow up app on january 11th and my tumors benign which i’m incredibly thankful for! it could have been so so bad and this was the best outcome we could have gotten! i have a genetic mutation called the braf v600e. the only treatment i had at the time was MRIs every 3 months. i’ve probably had my tumor since i was very young, it was very slow growing. about a year later we saw a little regrowth in my tumor so i started a very low dose of a chemotherapy thst usually used to treat melanoma but recently is being used to stop growth and hopefully shirk my tumor. (it won’t make me really sick and loose my hair because it’s such a small amount and also it’s a pill) i started thst last school year but then they warned us that it may cause me to be able to not have kids. so we stopped immediately and started the egg retrieval process. when thst was over i started my chemo again in like september of 2019. i’m gonna be honest, it’s been tough. they warned me about the side affects but i didn’t think anything of it until they were actually happening. i get sunburnt SUPER badly, my hair was thinning (it’s pretty much almost stopped now) i hsve a rash, my eyebrows are basically gone (they’re thinning too but i’m using a serum to help them grow) acne, fatigue, nausea, joint pain. and it’s really took a toll on my mental health, but the important part is i’m heathy. my tumor is stable and i’m heathy. this really sucked and tbh it still really sucks and it might suck for a while but i’m heathy and have an amazing support system and i’m so fortunate to have access to such great heath care. my heart goes out to anyone who’s gone though, going through, or will grow through anything like this or any other kind of heath scare at some point. i’m so so greatful for everyone who has been in my life the past 2 years. all of my doctors, my friends who are always there for me and most importantly my amazing family! also huge shoutout to my love taylor alison swift for being a constant in my happiness since 2008 but especially the past 2 years! i love u so much and i’m always gonna support and love u so so much nmw💓 im so incredibly lucky to be where i am today. it could be so much worse and i’m thankful everyday that it isn’t. i love all of u

this was 2 years ago today!

this was the day before my surgery (hi sabrina carpenter)

these were the week after my surgery. i had double vision so i had to wear an eyepatch for a few weeks

there’s me at christmas 2017 with my cousins looking rough but good for 2 1/2 weeks post op

but here’s me 2 years later!

if anyone is going through anything like this idc if we’re friends or not i’m here for all of u! 💓

also kinda just exposed myself with all the pics from 2017/18

thank u if u read all of this!

[trelaney]

Shoutout to my boss for being supportive of my decision to take time off because of covid19! She had a brain tumor a while ago and has asthma now so she understands my fear of contracting the virus and giving it to my stepdad so hats off to her!

[smores100]

from the river to the sea you're never getting rid of me <-- saw this in the notes and had to copy immediately bc it's fucking brilliant

now get ready bc a long ass bitter rant is coming [inahles]

fuck hamas fuck their sadistic psychological warfare and sadistic brutality (especially against children???) fuck their supporters fuck people referring to these vile barbaric monsters as 'freedom fighters' (only gang rape will bring world peace!!!) fuck their war crimes that no one gaf about fuck terrorism fuck antisemitism fuck antizionism (guess what? it's the same thing!) fuck this ceasefire fuck all ceasefires that don't include the destruction of hamas fuck the useless hypocritical organization called the UN fuck feminist organizations all over the world fuck all you so called feminists (me too unless you're a jew!) fuck (most of) hollywood fuck social media fuck hateful propaganda based on lies fuck progressive woke leftists fuck the world and its hypocrisy fuck the hadid family fuck uefa and fifa fuck the media (shoutout to the bbc you useless pos!) fuck sinwar (brain tumor again when???) fuck hamas fuck them to hell and back fuck fuck fuck [exhales]

no more apologizing and trying to justify our existence and our fight for survival. no more explaining. no more begging to be understood. no more.

you will NEVER understand what it's like to have the trauma of the holocaust coded into your dna; you will NEVER understand the - there are no adjectives to even describe it - effect october 7 had on us; you will NEVER understand what it's like to sit here and watch history repeat itself; you will NEVER understand what it's like to LIVE RIGHT NEXT TO tens of thousands of brutal sadistic psychopathic rapists and murderers who vowed - ON TELEVISION!!! - to repeat october 7 again and again until all the jews are dead

[moira voice] be careful lest you suffer from vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground

you are privileged. no one wants to murder you. no one is repeatedly trying to murder you. you are safe and always will be.

WE. ARE. NOT.

so you can keep protesting and boycotting and sign petitions and rip down hostages' posters and scream and cry about genocide and ethnic cleansing and colonization and zionism and other buzzwords you either don't know the true meaning of or don't know are based on LIES bc propaganda and antisemitism and unfamiliarity with history; you can keep condemning only one side accusing only one side of war crimes say nothing about raped women and beheaded babies and 240 innocent civilians - babies children teens women men and the elderly - being hostages; you can justify it all bc 'context' (but remember - context is only relevant when it's against the jews!) and yell about 'proportionality' (again - only against the jews!); you can curse you can chant 'from the river to the sea' essentially rooting for *actual* genocide; you can yell about how hitler was right all along and it's what the jews deserve...you can do whatever tf you want

but here's the thing - we're not going anywhere

we're here we're not gonna disappear get used to it

and you know why? bc we have nowhere else to go. you made sure of that.

from the persecution and expulsion of jews from arab countries to the murder of 6 million jews by the nazis

the world has made it clear we are unwanted. just as it had time and time again throughout history

hell just look at what's happening rn the raging antisemitism and barely anyone doing anything about it???? are y'all for real???

NEVER AGAIN IS NOW

history (and the present!) has taught us that if we don't look out for ourselves no one else will

so this is us looking out for ourselves. we deserve to exist just like everyone else and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise. am yisrael chai.

(ps just to be clear all the 'yous' i keep using are general yous - the people of the world if you will...)

[loopywithwitch]

You taught me how to swim after I almost drowned, I thought you did anyway. All other lessons never settled in me. Yours was the final drop into my lungs; I’ll never be able to swim alone. I was hysterical when your voice became faint but now I think the waves aren’t so ugly from below.

[chrysanthesun]

The Peace of Rain - 2024.

…

When the sky is covered, the world can rest.

People still move, but the trees can breathe.

The rain beats down, then releases its mist and fog.

Only a moment,

To slow down the world, always spinning and pacing and dancing.

Sometimes the best dance is just to sit and watch the rain,

Even as the cold sinks into your bones,

And the tea in your hands grows cold.

Maybe peace is letting the tea grow cold.

Not the focus on what happens next, not how to keep everything moving,

But just to settle.

As the rain falls, and the clouds cover the sun,

The world moves on.

But oh how I wish I could just sit and let myself fade into the fog,

Peace at last.

[coyotegoth]

ugh my tinnitus is back shoutout to my brain and skull for refusing to recover from that time I had a fake tumor

[paperngrace4recovery]

Hail to all us brave people with brain tumors, past and/or present. We are courageous, we are strong, we are determined. Love and healing to us all. #braintumorssuck #braintumors #osprey #birdphotography #bird #wildlife #wildlifephotography #guts #strength #poweful #staystrong #uplift #raiseyourvibration #raise #love #healing #prayers #shoutout #youarebeautiful #braincancersucks #braincancer #powerofnow #now (at Southern California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CiQCjTaOoHh/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[rorykillmore]

okay dooo sara, izzie, and heather, which heather is for you to figure out. (no but do chandler)

jokes on you, i’m doing ALL of the heathers.

no but okay

sara

How I feel about this character:  love her!!! she’s easily one of my favorite if not my favorite arrowverse characters. legends really really succeeded in exploring a lot of her unchecked potential and now she means so much to so many people for really important reasons, and i hope she continues to get good stuff on lot no matter how many wrenches arrow tries to throw into it.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: 95% of the legends cast! no but i do enjoy a lot of ships for her at least to some extent -- the ones i’m most diehard for are sara/nyssa and sara/ava, but probably second to that are sara/kendra and sara/snart? and then there’s some i kind of like the ideas of just casually like sara/amaya, sara/constantine, etc. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character: sara and laurel!!! also sara and e-2 laurel even if that’s mainly thanks to denny given that canon BARELY gave us anything, and sara and jax. and i like that stein was basically another father figure for her too... idk i could go on and on. oh wait. sara and iris should get a special shout out here just in honor of the fact that the actresses want them to be best friends so badly.

My unpopular opinion about this character: i have an aggressive contrary streak towards most of the fandom honestly at this point. to make it easy, i’ll leave ships out of it and just gripe about how “sara can be bi and still have a preference for women” even though some of that discourse died down in the past year. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:  i’m just gonna single out the arrow finale since that’s an easy target and i’m still salty. she should’ve gotten to fucking say goodbye to her dad. especially after she didn’t get to say goodbye to laurel, and after EVERYTHING she’s lost especially recently, like. god, when will arrow stop ruining sara’s happiness. keep her away from them. also more actual acknowledgement of a dynamic between her and e-2 black siren would’ve been, y��know, nice.

izzie

How I feel about this character: honestly one of my favorites from the early seasons -- i love her kindness and optimism and how that challenges her as a surgeon (but how she ultimately tells bailey that she refuses to give that part of herself up), i love her backstory as someone who came from basically nothing and had to fight tooth and nail to get into medical school and how people’s perceptions of that affect her, i love her tendency to spiral and make bad decisions when she’s too emotionally invested in something because that always made for really good drama... idk she was just!! a really great character overall.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: i... still have an honest fondness for alex/izzie. it’s one of those “grumpy asshole falls for ray of sunshine” ships that are fun in concept BUT of course grey’s did so many good things with it, like having alex actually grow and change and treat people better and actually... complicating things on izzie’s end. they’ll always be a soft spot of mine when it comes to the earlier seasons. OH AND DENNY OF COURSE, AS IN LIKE THE CHARACTER, NOT THE SITE. i’d be remiss not to mention that.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: basically just the rest of MAGIC?? i really loved her dynamics with cristina and meredith for different reasons and george, while not my Favorite, had a nice friendship with izzie when they weren’t having a messy dating life. oh and also izzie/bailey because... i mean bailey and all her original interns are so good, but i always remember that moment she and izzie had together when izzie was sick and bailey mentions something that might happen ‘next year’  or something and izzie snaps like “let’s be real, i’m not going to be here next year” and bailey just expresses this calm, unshakable faith that izzie is going to survive. i think that’s one of the things that got her through it.

My unpopular opinion about this character: i like (most of) her cancer storyline even if i don’t like the way she ultimately left the show. and i think “izzie cheated on alex with a ghost” is a dumb interpretation and a dumb thing to blame her for because guess what, a brain tumor doesn’t just give you hallucinations, it ACTIVELY AFFECTS your personality and your decision-making abilities. jesus, cut the girl some slack.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:  if shonda rhimes wasn’t determined to hold onto her spite for the end of eternity, i would’ve really liked to see izzie... at least come back for an episode or two, just to reconnect and see where everyone is now and for us to learn what actually became of her. “izzie left the hospital and never ONCE contacted any of the people there again” is fake, actually, like. they were her family!!! maybe one day if... grey’s ever actually ends, shonda will bring her and cristina back for the last episode or something.

heather chandler

How I feel about this character:  i have such a fondness for like, not even Female Villains (although those too), but just those classic mean girl types who have a lot of power and presence and killer one-liners. they’re so fun to watch!! and chandler is kind of like, the original incarnation of that in a lot of ways, and there’s a lot of potential to give her very humanized layers and to have her grow as a person which i’ve really enjoyed doing on denny so!!

All the people I ship romantically with this character: heather and veronica OBVIOUSLY, i’m really proud of the build up spear and i have put into that even if our focus kinda shifted. but i also really enjoy the idea of heather chandler/heather duke, at least on a setting like denny where both of them can like... shed their meaner tendencies and chandler can make up for treating duke badly. aaand special denny shoutout to heather/ratchet, because while they may be temporary they’re an important ship for their own reasons!! and like fate said once, it’s kind of a la la land situation where maybe in a different time, a different place, they could’ve worked out long term. but neither of them are there and that’s okay.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: hmmm heather duke and heather mac, cop out answer, but honestly there are a lot of layers in that dynamic to be explored

My unpopular opinion about this character: it’s been A While since i was in touch with the heathers fandom’s shitty opinions, but im still [eye roll emoji] at the people who romanticize jd or even (and honestly this is more common, more subtle, and thus kind of more of a problem) sympathize a lot with heather mac while absolutely DEMONIZING duke or chandler. check yourselves.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: chandler should have LIVED, you cowards. pull a regina george. actually real talk the point i will always give mean girls over heathers is that it’s pretty forgiving of the core Mean Girl group in the end.

[the-awkward-writer]

My Angel

Pairing: Jared x daughter!Reader, the entire Supernatural Family

Word Count: 1.8k of pure angst

Warnings: ANGST. ALL THE FREAKING ANGST. swearing, childhood cancer, death of a major character

A/N: Holy shit am I sorry about this one. I actually cried multiple times whilst writing this. This is the fifth, and last fic for Angst Appreciation Day. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me. Also HUGE shoutout to @iputthesininbuisness. They beta’d ALL of my fics for AAD and they probably hate me.

Based off of: Angel by Sarah McLachlan

x

You were surrounded by people.

Your Uncle Jensen and Aunt Danneel and their kids. Your Uncle Misha and Aunt Vicki with their kids. Your dad. Uncle Mark and Aunt Sarah with their children.

You were surrounded by people you love.

Right now, Jensen and his friend Jason Manns were singing your favorite song from their album, Simple Man.

Tears were in everyone’s eyes including your own as you smiled softly to their melody.

Everyone knew this night wouldn’t last forever, you especially. The tumor that had originated in your brain had metastasized to virtually your entire body. It was in your lungs, and bones deeming it as irreparable.

The tumor was killing you, and you were going to die.

From the day you and your father found out that the tumor had spread, the doctors had given you three months to live.

Now, exactly three months later, you were on your last night. Everyone could feel it in the air, even the children who are usually rowdy in the presence of each other were dead silent.

The entire Supernatural family was crammed into the small hospital room. They all wanted to be with you when the time finally came, lord knows you were all there for them.

“Take your time,” Jensen breathed out. He knew this line was the worst possible thing to sing in this situation, “Don’t live too fast.”

The tears forming in Jensen‘s eyes were becoming harder and harder to conceal as the lump in his throat made it hard to sing.

He swallowed as Jason continued strumming, “Troubles will come, and they will pass.”

Misha looked from Jared, to Jensen, to you. Jared watched you intently, the love and worry clear in his eyes. He loved you more than life itself. Misha knew it would kill his best friend when your time came. Jensen sang while Jason played the guitar. It was obvious it was hard for the both of them to not break down and cry. You were laid on your back in the small hospital bed. Jared was at your right side, holding your hand. Your head was turned to the left, your eyes focused on Jensen and Jason. A small smile was playing on your lips.

It took almost all of your strength to turn your head to the side. Jared gave you a soft smile and wiped his eyes of tears.

“I love you, Daddy,” you voice cracked from your dry throat.

The tears that Jared tried to hide came flowing back tenfold, “I love you too, baby. I always will.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” you whispered as tears of your own came flowing down your face.

Jared scooted closer to you, a large hand falling on your bald head, “There is nothing you need to be sorry for, Y/N,” Jared said fiercely, “Nothing at all. You are everything I could’ve asked for in a daughter, you understand? I love you more than anything else,” he said.

A tear fell from the corner of your eye, and you nodded. You gave him a weak smile, “Don’t be forever alone, okay?”

Jared raised an eyebrow, “I don’t know what you mean.”

You rolled your eyes, “Find someone, dad,” you said, “You’re not getting any younger,” your voice was raspy, the strain on your vocal chords obvious. “Find yourself a hot lady friend.”

Jared huffed a laugh, “You’re insane.”

“I wonder who I got that from.”

Jared’s tears fell against your hospital gown as he leaned over and kissed your forehead.

“I don’t want to see you for years, you understand?”

The dam broke behind Jared’s eyes, “I don’t think I can wait that long.”

Your eyelids became heavy. You knew the end was drawing near. “Daddy, I‘m scared.”

“I know, honey. I know.”

“Does it hurt?”

Jared shook his head, “Quicker and easier than falling asleep.”

“You’re not Sirius Black; how do you know?”

“Because all the pain that you’re feeling now will be gone. You’ll be in your happy place. You’ll be happy.”

“But I’m happy here. I want to stay here with you guys.”

“I know, baby. But sometimes you need to let go,“ The words Jared was saying almost killed him, but his baby girl was in pain, and she needed relief.

“I love you, Daddy,” you could feel your heart rate slowing, “I love all of you guys,” you tried to say slightly louder so everyone could hear you.

Almost everyone nodded or hummed, they heard you. They know you love them, and you know they love you.

That was all you ever wanted, so you did as your father said.

You let go.

Your body shuddered as you drew in your last breath and released it.

Jared watched as your chest fell. He was waiting for it to rise again, but it never did; it never would. The long drawn out beep from your heart monitor only confirmed his worst fears.

His baby girl was dead.

He took your small, pale hand in his much larger ones, and pressed his forehead to his knuckles as sobs wracked his body.

Danneel pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to contain her own tears. She looked over to her husband to see tears flowing down his face.

Misha’s crestfallen face soon had his own tears sliding down to his chin, not stopping until they got to the collar of his shirt.

The entire room was in tears.

But no one more than Jared.

His entire body shook with the force of his cries.

The only thought running through his head was enough to send him through a downward spiral lasting for years:

My daughter is dead.

Jared sat at the first pew, just staring.

The service had been done with for over an hour, and everyone had left him alone.

He looked at the small casket, the memories flying around in his brain, burning him with nostalgia.

The first time Jared saw you, you were in a baby carrier on his front steps.

There was a piece of paper pinned to your shirt with a name and date scrawled across it.

‘Y/N Padalecki’ it said. ‘07/23/02′

Next to your carrier was a diaper bag filled with clothes, diapers, bottles, formula, and large manila envelope.

Jared took you inside his house and set the carrier down on the kitchen island.

He opened the manila envelope, pulling out its contents.

Inside there were six things.

One, your birth certificate. Two, a paternity test proving that the child in the car seat was his. Three, a picture of the baby next to a woman that Jared vaguely remembered. Four, a letter addressed to Jared. Five, a letter addressed to Y/N Padalecki. Six, signed custody papers from a courthouse in Texas.

Jared opened the letter first. The letter described the night two people met. The two people being Jared and this mystery woman. The letter told Jared that this mystery woman stole a toothpick from Jared’s trailer trashcan and used it later to prove Jared’s paternity. The letter then described the predicament the baby’s mother was in. She is a drug addict and can’t take care of a baby. She grew up in an orphanage, and didn’t want to put her child through the same things, so she dropped the baby off on Jared’s front step. The letter said that there was another letter with Y/N’s name on it, and she wanted Y/N to open it when she turned 18. It was signed by a person named Becca Wilson.

Jared looked from the white college ruled paper filled with black ink, to the sleeping baby in the car seat.

Jared could see the resemblances. You had his nose and hair. Your eyes were not yet open so he couldn’t see the color of your eyes.

Seconds later, your eyes fluttered open, and in an instant, Jared knew that he couldn’t let you go. You had his eyes.

Jared ran a hand down his face. He never regretted his decision to take you in. You were his daughter. No matter what.

Even when you were ten, and the doctor spoke those horrible words, Jared never wanted to let you go.

The doctor knocked on the door. Jared voiced a quiet “Come in.”

Your migraines were getting worse as the days wore on, so Jared finally took you to your pediatrician.

The doctor took off his glasses and rubbed his aged face with his right hand.

“Mr. Padalecki,” he said as he replaced his glasses. “Y/N has a tumor in her brain.”

Jared felt the air being punched out of his gut at those words.

His baby girl had cancer.

He held you close to his chest that night as you slept. After the doctor’s appointment, and scheduling a consultation with a pediatric oncologist, you and Jared went home to watch a marathon of cheesy movies and pig out on ice cream.

That night, as he held your small frame, he cried.

He cried and prayed to a God he’s not sure he believes in to spare your life.

You were the greatest kid Jared knew, and he wasn’t just saying that because you were his daughter.

You were kind and caring and compassionate. You were understanding of Jared’s depression and helped him get through it.

He wanted to walk you down the aisle, and threaten the boys that you brought home. He wanted to protect you for the rest of his life.

Jared buried his face in his hands. “God, Y/N,” he choked out. “I’m so sorry sweetheart. I wish I could have done more to protect you.” His voice broke and he was yet again reduced to tears.

He jumped as he felt a hand land on his back. Through tear filled eyes, he could see his best friend.

Jensen sat down next to Jared. Jared’s body shook as a sob was ripped from his body. Without a second thought, Jensen wrapped his arms around his best friend’s neck, bringing his head to his chest, “It's going to get better,” Jensen found it hard to speak around the lump in his throat. “I promise.”

Years after your death, Jared listened to your words, and found himself a hot lady friend.

Her name is Genevieve Cortese.

Well, Padalecki now.

Jared had three kids with her. Two boys and a little girl.

All throughout their childhood, Jared’s kids knew about their big sister, watching them from Heaven

And when the famous actor and generous man died of old age, you jumped happily into your father’s arms.

“I see you took my advice,” you said with a smile.

please don't kill me

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