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reidsaurora · 3 years ago

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"Clean, PT. 2" ~ S. Reid

GIF by ofwilliamandwalter, please credit me if you use

Summary: 10 months later, Y/N and Spencer are happily enjoying their new baby girl. Everything seems perfect… but for Spencer, everything isn't always what it seems.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Mom!BAU!Reader

Word Count: 2,200

Content Warning: heavy drug content, mentions of needles, very mild swearing

Genre: Fluff to Angst to Fluff

Extra Notes: shoutout to bestie boo (@bfunsolvedboys) for helping me name Spencer and Y/N's baby. ok, i think that's all for the notes lol

Based On: an idea me and bestie boo came up with. this part is very heavily inspired by "Clean" by Taylor Swift and many lyrics are featured throughout.

Takes Place: during the beginning events of S3 E16 "Elephant's Memory"

Originally Written: 03/24/2022

PT. 1 can be found here!

Criminal Minds Masterlist can be found here!

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"𝐖𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐮𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐨 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐞. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐮𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐚." - 𝐁𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐌𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐳𝐨𝐧

"Did I miss it?" I asked in a whisper, sitting near the end of the back row, next to Emily.

"You're just in time," she whispered back, pointing to Spencer, who was now standing at the front of the room.

"Hi, um…" he started nervously. "My name's, name's, uh, Spencer, and I'm a… I don't really know what I am."

"Hello, Spencer," the crowd replied. The crowd sounded boring, I couldn't lie, but every person alongside me on that back row was fully ready to support Spencer's speech.

"This is m-my first meeting," he admitted with a stutter, a nervous tic of his.

"Welcome," the crowd replied once more.

"Thank you," Spencer gave them a small smile. "Um… I guess I, uh… I knew I had a problem with dilaudid, but, um…" he continued to stutter. I could tell he was nervous, most likely because he'd never spoken publicly about his addiction. "I stopped. Like… ten months ago I stopped. I thought it was over, but recently I'm- I've really been…" his voice trailed off again, "Your literature uses the term 'craving.'"

My face fell at the mention of him using again. I knew he had urges, all addicts do, but something about him saying it out loud worried me. Like I'd lose him all over again.

"It started like a month ago. A-a suspect was murdered in front of me, a-a kid. And I thought I could save the kid… but I couldn't and…" his expression changed, somehow seeming even more saddened than he had before. "I've seen a lot of that stuff before, but for some reason that kid's face is really, uh, stuck in my brain, you know? It's really, uh, I can't... And I... I want to forget... about him, and... I just want to escape. And some-sometimes, I think… I don't know, maybe I think the Dilaudid would help," he said, followed by a nervous swallow. "But then… I see my wife and my daughter and… I don't know. I've had days where I've questioned if they were enough. But, when I look at them… when I actually, genuinely take a step back and look at what I've been given… I don't know, it's like I'm instantly better. I guess what I'm… what I'm trying to say is, don't lose sight of what is important to you," he finished, giving the crowd once last timid smile before rushing to the back of the room where everyone else was.

Spencer gave me a small smile as he sat down on the very end.

"You did a really good job," I whispered, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

"Apparently not, considering Daisy slept through the whole thing," he joked quietly. He gently took the small bundle of a baby from my arms into his, softly rocking her as he turned his attention back to the next person to give their speech.

☆☆☆

"Aww, come here," Penelope frowned as she took my now crying baby out of Derek's arms, "Let Aunt Penny fix the problem, yeah?"

"I don't even know what I did," Derek stated, throwing his hands up in surrender.

"It's OK, Dee-Dee," Penelope said, rocking Daisy in her arms. "I'll give him a good spanking when we get home."

"Woman, you are in public," Derek chuckled, which also earned him a chuckle from the rest of the team.

"I wonder why she hates Derek," Emily commented, looking over Penelope's shoulder at Daisy, who was now on her way back to sleep.

"Baby Stranger Anxiety is actually quite a common thing. Though most of the time, it doesn't present itself until around six to twelve months old. It could also be separation anxiety, though that typically isn't seen until at least month four. If I had to make an educated guess, my answer would be," he paused dramatically, taking Daisy from Penelope before kissing her forehead and finishing, "She's just loyal to her Daddy and doesn't want to give her love to any other man."

I grinned, placing my hand on his back. "That's my Spencer."

"Huh?" he asked, turning to face me. He had an offended look on his face, though I was unsure how those three words could be perceived as offensive.

"What?"

"What did you say?"

"Oh, I just said, 'That's my Spencer,'" I repeated.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked defensively.

"Nothing, I didn't mean to-"

"Y/N, I saw your face earlier during my speech. I know what you meant."

After placing Daisy in my arms as quickly as he could, he stormed off down the hall, presumably to either the bathroom or our bedroom.

I took a quick breath, acting quickly. "Uh, here, Dais, you haven't had a chance to meet Papa Dave yet," I said, quietly placing the baby in Rossi's arms. "If she gets too fussy just give her back to Penelope."

And with that, I darted down the hall. Almost immediately, I spotted the closed bathroom door, the light shining through the crack above the floor.

"Spencer," I breathed heavily, attempting to open the door. Locked. "Spencer?" I called, rattling the doorknob. "Spencer, I swear, I will kick this door in."

"Doctor doesn't want you doing too much physical activity," he commented through the door.

"Then I will call Derek to kick the door in."

"Y/N, don't do that!"

"Then let me in."

"I can't!" he argued.

"Spencer Walter Reid, I will not hesitate to beat this door in with the closest heavy object."

No response.

I rolled my eyes, pushing into the door as hard as I could. I pushed and shoved and rammed and did every other possible movement I could until finally, the door swiftly opened.

It took my eyes only a split second to register what I was witnessing: he was standing over the sink, needle in one hand and vial of Dilaudid in the other. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief when I saw that there was still medicine in the vial, but I couldn't when I remembered the other hand was holding a needle.

"Spencer, why do you have that?"

He didn't respond, he just kept shuffling the tiny bottle of Dilaudid in his hand.

"Spencer, you answer me right now. Why do you have that?" I repeated.

"Every day for the past month, I've looked at this vial and weighed out the pros and cons of not taking it. I look at it every day and remind myself that it's the last one I have access to… but every time I say that, I'm reminded that I had a dealer. I have inspected this vial of medicine for 32 days in a row and realized the cons of not taking it are starting to outweigh the pros."

"Why do you have it in the first place, Spencer?"

"I kept it just in case I needed it. I figured pain medication is still a good thing to have around, even if I did abuse it."

"Spencer," I hesitated, reaching my hand around him, carefully taking the needle out of his hand. "Spencer, I-"

"I feel like I'm drowning, Y/N. I haven't said anything, but I feel like this past month, I have been the most awful father I could be. I think about other fathers and I've realized… I'm horrible at this."

"Spencer, you are one of the best fathers I know. And I'm not just saying that, I mean it," I said, almost sternly. "Please tell me where all this is coming from."

"I miss it. I miss the way the Dilaudid made me feel, the way it distracted me from everything," he admitted.

"I understand what you mean. Just because you're clean, it doesn't mean you don't miss it," I told him. I took a deep breath as an idea washed over me. "Spencer, I think I know something that could help," I said as I leaned back against the counter.

"OK," he whispered, using that same tone he had ten months ago when he first told me he was struggling.

I took him by the hand, moving him over to the toilet. "I want you to take the lid off that bottle."

He nodded, doing as he was told.

"I want you to repeat after me. Do you think you can do that?"

"They don't call it an eidetic memory for nothing," he chuckled. I spotted a tear slipping from his eye as he spoke.

"Ten months ago, you ruled my life."

"Ten months ago, you ruled my life," he repeated.

"Now, I want you to tell that bottle all of the horrible things it did to you ten months ago. Tell it about how it manipulated you, how it controlled you, all the bad things it made you feel."

He exhaled, looking like he had a mile long list of things to say. "You manipulated me, you controlled me, you gaslighted me, you were possessive over me. I couldn't… I couldn't even take a breath because of you. I mean, it was a month of back and forth, a month of pure hell."

I shed a couple tears over his statement, but wiped them away so as to not let him see me cry. That was the last thing he needed right now.

"Now, again, repeat after me. Now that I'm ten months older, I won't give in."

"Now that I'm ten months older, I won't give in," he repeated.

"By morning, gone will be any trace of you."

"By morning, gone will be any trace of you," he exhaled, closing his eyes, almost like he was focusing on his breathing.

"Now, I want you to pour that medicine down the toilet, Spencer," I instructed.

"Are you sure? I mean, it's expensive and could be useful in the future if-"

"Spencer, I wouldn't care if it was worth a billion dollars or if I was suffering from the bubonic plague. Nothing outweighs you getting better."

He sighed before swallowing, inspecting the bottle one last time and finally, pouring every single drop of Dilaudid into the toilet. He watched as he flushed it down, and I could've sworn I saw relief wash over him as he did it.

"Come on, we've got a celebration to attend," I smiled, kissing his cheek.

☆☆☆

I awoke in the middle of the night, being met with the feeling of an empty bed. I rolled over, noticing that neither Spencer nor Daisy were in the room. I quickly rubbed my eyes, attempting to rid them of sleep. Upon stepping out of the bedroom and into the hallway, I noticed a light was on in Daisy's nursery and immediately knew where my husband was.

I opened the already cracked door, laying eyes on Spencer, who was sitting in the rocking chair shirtless with Daisy, who was sleeping peacefully on his chest. He always was a sucker for skin-to-skin time.

"Whatcha doin' in here?" I asked through a yawn.

"She started crying and I didn't want her to wake you up," he explained.

I wrapped my housecoat tightly around me as I sat down across from him on the ottoman. "You OK?" He had that same expression he always had when he was overthinking.

"Yeah, it's just… tonight was the first night in ten months that I've touched a needle. And when I had that needle in my hand, I realized something."

"What's that?"

"Well, for one, I have a severe case of trypanophobia now," he chuckled, "And two, I have everything to lose if I start taking the Dilaudid again."

I could tell Spencer was in one of those moods where he just needed to vent, so I stayed quiet, ready to listen to every word he had to say.

"I realized that above all else, I couldn't give up on what little bit of time I've had with Daisy. I mean, I only got to enjoy her for the first 24 hours before I took off for that case and saw that kid get shot. Daisy probably doesn't even know what I'm really like. I mean… how horrible of a father do I have to be to leave so quickly? And how horrible of a father am I that she only knows what I'm like during a relapse?"

"Spencer, you were there for the first 24 hours, the most critical hours of her life. And for the record, you are the best dad any little girl could have. And I don't mean that because you're my husband, I mean that because it's true."

He continued to rock back and forth in the chair gently, staying silent for a few moments. I placed my hand on his knee, rubbing small circles there for a couple seconds. It was then that I stood up, ready to head back to bed.

"Y/N," he stopped me.

"Hmm?" I hummed, turning back to face him.

"I realized tonight that I don't ever want to take those chances again. Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it."

I shot him a smile before walking out into the hallway. I cracked the door behind me, exhaling a soft breath. "That's my Spencer."

"𝐑𝐨𝐜𝐤 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐦 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞." - 𝐉.𝐊. 𝐑𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠

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OK, first of all, i LOVE this part! i think i might prefer this part over the first part. i loved writing this one and it's genuinely one of my favorite things i've written that i go back and re-read all the time hahaha.

Second of all, how do we feel about the bookend quotes? i actually started this in another draft but forgot i was posting this first so let me know how y'all feel 🤣

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ts-autumns-world · 3 years ago

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Episode 4: “Tua supremacy babey” - Lily O

I GET TO REUNITE WITH JINX YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

me waking up to see that im in the new tribe: https://media.tenor.com/images/93212119a4887f9fa0ad945c7ae2a5d0/tenor.gif

tbh i expected the swap since like we have 14 rn so its a reasonable number to do a swap before the merge.. but like this swap sucks not only me being the only one from og eener but its also me having to be with these 4 whites ppl. you know i don't trust white ppl except mikki SDFSDFSDFSDF so this absolutely SUCKS. and geekoffilm is on another tribe too.

URGH i hope i can team up with jinx and jude. and joey and i used to play together in CoW so hopefully, i am able to make him want to work with me again.. but monty... monty is very skeptical cause like they could just vote me off now. BUT THEN, i know that either jinx or raffy has the idol for sure, so maybe i need to ask jinx for that. or i just ask the person who i'll be up against with in the tic tac toe to throw a challenge if they are the og eener too.

much to think about bestie booth. i wanna trust these ppl so bad but i have trust issues

https://youtu.be/JrXnnD5KU0I

---

naur this is the plan if we go to council

imma be like joey

you are the only cis white man on the team

you have to go.

you wanna be an ally?

THIS IS HOW!!!

so im pushing for u FEWEJFEEFJEFEIFEFIJW

heS ALWAYS SAYING HE WANTS TO BE A BETTER ALLY

ALWAYS CALLING ME LIKE JINX IM SO SORRY

ILL BE LIKE FOR WHAT??

HE'S LIKE FOR BEING A WHITE CIS STRAIGHT MAN.

IF UR REALLY SORRY ULL LEAVE!

I have to start this out by saying Giraffez, I’m so sorry! I tried my best but too many people wanted to keep us comp strong and wanted Lily O to stay. I really wish we would have had the chance to play longer together but sometimes it’s just not in the cards.

As far as swap goes, I’m really happy about my team. We have a majority from my original group which is pretty wild. I wish Chips was here and I really hope he makes it work somehow but I’m ngl I’m a little worried about him.

I was so so thrilled to see Jinx on Tua with me. I also have started talking with Captain and Jude. They both seem super nice so as always I’m hoping to avoid tribal once again.

I’d like to the think that original Llih (was that how you spelled it?) will stay together but Giraffez told me that Lily O told her that she was voting for me. Now obviously we all voted Giraffez but I think Lily O knows I was plotting. So. I hope we can stick together. But. Yeah. Your girl is worried. And excited. She is excited cause this group seems cool. But nervous because yeah I’m not ready for another vote out. Mkay. Bye.

This swap went pretty well for me all things considered. I still have a bunch of people from my OG Tribe, and the new people seem active and really nice! So, I like my tribe. Blake offered to me today to work together closely in the game which I am down for. The semi-inactive people need to stick together and all that lmao. Other than that, I am straight Vibing

Swap time! honestly its time to kick it into high gear and win this immunity challenge! make some real allies!

HELLO AUTUMNS WORLD!!!!!! So I have arrived in a swapped team with 3 of my old members! SOOO happy Mikki is here firstly since we can discuss basically anything. Blake and Raffy im also cool with but not like as close with them. Maybe a bit more with Blake. Of the new people my fav is Chris !! Already liking our chats and hope it can turn more strategic later maybe!! Ricky is also cool and funny and chips I was allies with him in Kili which is cool but probably the weakest connection of the new people so far!! It looks like we are gonna lose and if so its kinda hard like on one hand we have easy majority to vote off idk probably chips or maybe ricky or we could go against tribal linesI think Blake truly does wanna work with me tho but is just busy. Like going against tribal lines is kinda fun but maybe dumb. And chips being the 1 in a 4-2-1 swap sucks too!! Idk kind of evaluating the vibe with Mikki and will see what we think later if we lose… we would probs be safe regardless being protected by tribal lines on one side and having developed sorta good vibes with Chris and Ricky from the other side so probs wouldn’t be targeted from that angle either?? Hopefully… I did have kind of a delayed start with the new people cuz of irl stuff but yah we will see!

My opinion on swap was initially sad because I was missing out on Jinx/Jude/Joey/Captain BUT then I realize I like this tribe?? Im with Ricky still, Mikki probably is sitting at the cookout as we spesk, Chips is lowkey goody but I got my eye on him, Benj and I bond over Agatha Christie <3, Blake I knew from TDI so we have been goofin like a Goofy movie, Raffy I actually enjoy that we chat of the most mundane things, and that's everybody! I think I have a chance to survive on this tribe

---

My thoughts are that I've got Ricky and Mikki at minimum. I know Mikki/Raffy got beef but I doubt they go for each other. Chips is like a level-headed Joey but I reckon one of him/Blake/Benj will be targeted if I had to guess. Nevertheless me and Captain talked during our matchup and exchanged info. My hope is me or Ricky are in Outhouse but I also hope not so we have higher odds to keep the goodies all goodie and safe

https://voca.ro/18WSqZznajDx

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I LOVE JUDE

so idk where my last confessional left off but i think it was before tribal. so after tribal, jinx’s manifestations came true, we swapped, i ended up on a tribe with no one i knew except chris, so that was kind of…nnng. but hey, gotta roll with the punches. me and jinx were paired up for the challenge which game me a bit of time to talk with them, and they gave me some insight on ppl i didn’t really know on my tribe, and also they gave me a tarot reading, and it basically said that while i’m probably gonna have to deal with some bullshit, i just have to use everything i’ve learned to get over any obstacles, and stay calm and collected through it all. i’m really really praying for this one, since we just lost immunity, and now chris is going to the outhouse, i’m afraid that i’m truly all alone now. and if there’s one thing that scares me it’s being alone. i really like mikki tho, and i heard benj was good ppl. maybe if i let them know that raffy might have the half idol then maybe they’d be more inclined to work with me, but i also really enjoy raffy’s presence, so i don’t really want him to be a target. blake and i have had a good amount of dialogue so i’m hoping that he’d be willing to work with me, to be honest. ughhhhh why why why tribal. WHY TRIBAL. in all my years of playing tumble survivor i’ve never been sent to like…and exile or redemption island ONCE. not once….ever…. please god let me get to the outhouse just one time.

First of all, lemme just say I'm so amused by how quickly my chances of no-votes went RIGHT out the door. But also thank god that it went off without a hitch! And right before a swap, no less New tribe is definitely iconic. LOVE Jinx, Captain and Jude are cool too, and then my Llih buddies are also v nice to have (shoutouts monty and joey)

Tua supremacy babey

https://youtu.be/oP7DWOnmt40

https://youtu.be/Z3_pyWTdRh8

https://youtu.be/UFshPYJ98z0

hello confessional booth... i'm here to give you um. something i hope!!!!

well since the swap, i feel like i've managed to fit in better than i expected cause ive been feeling under the weather and i don't rlly have energy to talk to anyone (which is so great that our tribe won this IC) but i rlly need to work on that more for sure..

joey wants to work with me.. like a lot. we worked together for a bit in CoW before he was voted out and he was a great ally to me back then so i think i can trust joey a little bit? and he rlly wants the pocs to go far so i think this is a good sign.

with jinx, we've been wanting to talk about the outhouse thing but jinx wants to call and i've been feeling sick so we haven't called but hopefully we can do that soon. i trust jinx a lot and i know they're gonna take care of me.

jude.. you know i like her since i saw her intro vid so yup gonna need to talk to her more!!!

lily c.. my fellow teacher pls SFSFSDFSD i enjoy our chat a lot like idt its much but every time we talk, with her, it just feels great and nice and like we just get to know each other so far so i hope we can talk game a bit more but we'll see

lily o.. we haven't talked since the day the swap happened. idk why. maybe she's busy or maybe i should dm her first so i think i'm gonna do that tmr my time if i have the energy.

and monty... PLEASE idk if i can trust monty or not. like he's a good friend of mine but my experience in orgs with them is that they tried to break the swp apart (which was smart but then mikki and i are both playing so gotta keep an eyes on them)

i'm just trying to feel good and hopefully recover soon cause i hate being sick. idk i'm scared of covid!!!!! but i haven't gone outside for a week or two methinks so we're gonna pray and see.

---

missing mikki and hope she will be fine

Blake suggested starting an OG Eneer alliance to Mikki and Benj. They took them up on the offer so I guess I am in my first alliance of the game based on arbitrary reasons. In any case, they seem to want to vote out Chips which is a RIP. But whatever keeps me safe for one more round.

I don’t have an obsession with the Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood sketch from SNL... No I clearly don’t... https://youtu.be/whfQf3Pd5bU

It’s my chronic overthinking in this swap that is going to do me in, I feel. It’s the pressure of having to actually think differently, and coming off of EVERYTHING I’ve seen in this community over the past 6 months, oh good Lord have mercy, I feel as though its so hard for me to want to not sacrifice my game, but at the same time... I feel all the pressure in the world to flip. I did have a lucid dream that if I got to a point where I consistently voted only white people at every Council, it would make my game look REALLY good by comparison, since I literally did everything I could, and no, I don’t want to hear anyone post season say this was rigged for Jinx, it’s not, we’re only going to go against each other down the road because of how this season has been set up, and it breaks my heart

https://photos.app.goo.gl/eSvSGkc4zmBfnYVP7

So here's some tea I suppose. I was a pretty big fan of the tribe swap because people talked more in general. This was particularly interesting considering their different timezones but continued ability to keep up conversation. It was pretty apparent that I was at a numbers deficit from my original tribe but my hope was that people didn't want to play like "that" and then if they did that my former tribe would throw it to keep the numbers. Apparently that is not true as Lily C went as hard as possible to win a challenge she could have convincingly thrown as an "accident" multiple times. At any rate, based on the total lack of communication with me concerning who I am voting it is evident that either the plan is to vote someone without telling me or that it is to vote me. This means that regardless of the situation I am in a terrible position and will be leaving sooner rather than later. I don't know that I've been swap screwed in the past (perhaps, I've been playing for too long) but it really stinks.

For the TL;DR watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzftXB28gBE

http://www.purplerockpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/survivor-pearlislands-lillian-morris-no-sir.gif

As I'm writing this, I have a big gulp from... you guessed it... 7/11. I need to flip on one of the three of Monty, Lily O, and Lily C. My best option is going to vote for Lily O, I need Monty and Lily C to know I'm only doing this because yanno, things look awfully awful, and the pressure of making the right move and yet making sure I don't lose relationships is starting to get to me.

I also need them as shields because theyre the only winners in this game, and I need them here as shields for down the road heading into a merge.

I can't even believe I found TWOA IDOLS! I had to think a lot about who to give it too but I decided to do what felt like the smartest thing to do. Jinx and Captain already trust me and I enjoy Ricky but he gives semi chaotic energy. With that in mind, I had to give it to Jude as a sign of faith. Not only am I wanting her to do well, but I want to prove to her I legit want to work with her come merge 😊

https://youtu.be/vOn8Zsi0njA

https://youtu.be/UWTB-LYjbu0

for Chips: https://youtu.be/lSeDZdSEl4o

#tsaw #episodes

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