#shoutout to everyone else who is also dumb

[an-unexpected-trollogy]

Oh to be Suzanne Collins and have little social media presence and to write a book regarding whatever current societal trend is bothering her at the moment.

[alittleemo]

got way too existential when our prof asked us who we were and am now feeling the embarrassment crawling under my skin <3

[sjw-publishings]

Hey everyone,

This is an update to my post I made recently about Dumb and Jocked’s sudden departure. If you haven’t read that, it will be over: here.

Before I begin though, something I discovered is that for some of the reblogged dumb and jocked stories with the ‘read more’, the rest of the story can be viewed in your drafts if you choose to reblog it but do not post, and also through the edit button.

Not necessarily the best way to read stories and also not all stories can be read via that way, but some are possible. So I recommend doing so and saving your favourite writer’s stories in drafts as you will never know what may happen in the future.

—————————————————————

I am grateful to the messages and responses people have given me in light of the situation.

I generally don’t tend to talk to many people on tumblr as my stories can be rather controversial and niche, and I'm very appreciative of the support and information people have given me in light of Dumb and Jocked’s disappearance. Thank you.

As of then, there is a mention that Dumb and Jocked has written a post that he needed time off from Tumblr before he deactivated his account.

However I cannot confirm this as there were no screenshots/reblogs saved/provided, and even if Dumb and Jocked posted that, he could’ve easily reconsidered it and just closed his Tumblr himself.

While it does bring some slight hope, there’s no guarantee he would ever return.

However there’s good news regarding archives for Dumb and jocked’s stories. Which Im grateful for the Tumblr community taking steps to reblog/like/save the posts via different means.

Special shoutout to both @imsrtman and @user211201, who have posted several of Dumb and Jocked’s stories, on Tumblr and their blogspot.

@user211201 has saved multiple of Dumb and Jocked stories, including the Protocol one which had been gone a while back even before Dumb and Jocked left tumblr. I also reblogged his re-post on Branded on my tumblr account, as it’s one of the stories where you cannot access it via editing it in your drafts.

He also continued to post more of his stories and has a list of them on his tumblr post over: Here.

Do check the other pinned post on his tumblr page for the table of contents as for what stories he has already posted too.

@imsrtman has managed to archive most of dumb and jocked stories, including making the effort to put the Tumbex links of Dumb and Jocked’s stories into an excel sheet, and most importantly archiving them before they got removed on Tumbex.

I cannot express how thankful I am to him as I thought I had missed my chance in saving the stories on Tumbex due to my exhaustion. Thanks to him Im able to save both Breeding Grounds stories.

He also a blogspot consisting of various of Dumb and Jocked’s stories and he is planning to add more of Dumb and Jocked’s stories in the future. You can find the link to his blogspot post over: here. (Edit: Imsrtman mentioned in the replies/notes of this post that it is not his blogspot and he has a different blog, @dumb-and-jocked-archive)

Please give both of them many thanks, as well as anyone else who has archived/reblogged/saved stories on behalf of the community. Without people who archive, many of the stories of blogs that are gone would be gone forever.

That’s all for my update. If there’s any crucial information that I may have missed out on, do reply to this post for others to know.

-SjwPublishings

[brisquad-unit-4402]

IM LOSING IT OVER YOUR RECENT IKE FIC. LIKE OH MY GOD. its so sweet and heartwrenching i felt just as nervous and anxious as reader the entire time, and when ike reciprocated my heart MELTED AHHH his freckles!!! how kind and beautiful he is, and his confusion turning into acceptance and his SQUEALSSS AAAA. i cant take it this is my fav ike and probably luxiem fic of all time. all of your hard work paid off so well, it was so well structured and emotional and everyone felt so real!! like they arent characters, theyre actual people!!

ahh, now i wish i knew ike's perspective during those stream moments and his reaction to pen and paper ship content HAHA. i imagine he swiftly bookmarks it on his private account but he keeps blushing and his hands shake whenever he sees any fanart WAAAH. maybe one time he sees pen and paper kissing and he cant properly look at the notifications from reader's chat without FLUSHING RED i love them so bad

i love whenever i'm reading a fanfic and it's so sweetly emotional that you feel your own emotions kicking in. so whenever i hear my work has that effect on someone else it's one of the nicest feelings in the world and WHAT DO YOU MEAN FAVORITE IKE AND/OR LUXIEM FIC EVER. that's super high praise thank youuuuu sobsobsob

i mean this is the kindest most /posi way possible but "they aren't charcters, they're actual people" is the scariest compliment i've ever heard. like on one hand i'm genuinely happy! i worked really hard on keeping multifaceted personalities in mind even for the minor characters! but also Oh No. I'm Writing Vtubers. We Need To Play This So Carefully And So Conscious Of The Creator/Audience Boundary Or My Ass Is GONE

real talk one of my most favorite ike things is when he squeals at something cute or because he's embarrassed ahhhh. and his speaking voice gets so high pitched and soft when he's flustered too like?? it's probably my favorite charm point of his

the ogs remember the poll i ran like a month ago about if ike should have freckles or not. shoutout to the landslide victory, if i remember correctly 97% of voters wanted ike with freckles! so glad that worked out, it works so well with the star theme and the difference between an online friendship meeting irl, and how reader loves them because it's a reminder that they have so much to learn about ike and are ready/willing, and also, freckles are just plain adorable. ike is just plain adorable. put them together and if i were richer and thirstier i'd be commissioning an artist

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

real talk tho i feel like ike goes from 1 to 100 whenever he catches himself simping over reader before the off-collab. either he's really good at acting composed, being normal, just interacting with his best friend like best friends do... or he's a stuttering, blushy mess that wavers like jell-o.

ike's the type of guy to sleepily check twitter before going to bed and whenever he sees pen and paper on his fyp it's like he snaps awake. maybe even squeaks or goes "a!" if it's especially.... you know. sometimes he can't even comprehend that people want him and reader to. well. his mouth goes dry.

and then he feels so dirty and embarrassed just because it's there, but... he's still looking at it. is it bad he's still looking at it? it definitely is but it's captivating, in a way. somehow. the artists are so talented, and somehow they nail your body language to a t, and the way your hair swoops above your eyes, and draw you with the cutest little expressions, and—

ah, who is he kidding.

in moments of weakness it triggers something in him to bury his face a little deeper in his blankets, pretend the screen's light would cool the heat pooling over his cheeks, and search the hashtag himself.

not even three pieces of fanart later, he has to throw his phone face-down on the mattress, cover his blush with a pillow, and now he's definitely squealing. it's healing and it makes him ill. it's... pretty. you're pretty. and he's pretty dumb for letting a silly crush distort itself like this.

the worst part is that some of these line up a little too well with daydreams he wanted to lock away until the end of time. he likes when he takes the lead. the stunned, puppyish expression so rare it only shows up on your face during the biggest plot twists during a stream, but coated in a darkened blush as he pecks them on the cheek, elegant and composed. calm.

ohhhh, this can't be good for his heart. especially when ike himself is so red-faced just thinking of it. calm, his foot.

still with the pillow over his flush, ike feels around for his phone and sets it on his nightstand. he chides himself. that's enough internet for the day, eveland! now quit acting like a shoujo high schooler in love and go to bed already, it's not going to happen!

he sets his face into a determined frown as he lifts the pillow and sets it aside. with any luck, he'd go the rest of the night without thinking of reader and his feelings for them.

the frown eases as he nestles into his blankets and tucks himself in. soft sheets and warm comfort greet him as he shuts his eyes, and he enters the fluffy haze of sleep as he slips into dreamland...

...is what he'd like to say, but not even ten seconds later his eyes snap open and jerks upright in bed. wait, i'm acting like i'm in love?!

he sits with the thought seeping through his brain like a corrosive acid, filing through every little moment he daydreamed about you, and when those don't paint him a picture he likes, he tries to recall the moments he shared with you instead. those are even fonder, and even worse.

he slaps his hands over his face and sighs, and when it sounds lovesick he sighs even more.

✧. ┊ masterpost ✧. ┊ kofi

[workingforitallthetime]

Every UMich Monday question, 2022-23

As is tradition, I have rewatched every single Monday question in a row, and I now present to you a complete list. The most interesting recurring themes this year were sleepy Mackie, Gavin being obsessed with Jaybone, Frankie having a crush on Brendan, and everyone agreeing that Seamus is a total weirdo. Instead of a full ranking this year, I've sorted them into tiers. Bonus links to non-Monday question but still gold star content appear at the end.

Tier I: Every single second an absolute delight

December 7, 2022 If you could make it rain anything, what would it be? This contains the single flirtiest interaction I have ever seen in a Monday question video, and I say this as a survivor of the Thomas Bordeleau era. It’s a crime against humanity that the video cuts just as Rutger starts to loom over Gavin after drawling suggestively about how he has a sweet tooth. Also features Luca sweetly encouraging Truss.

November 15, 2022 Who has the best bromance on the team? BEST QUESTION and Jaybone kicks it off right: “Gotta be the Fantilli brothers for sure.” Other highlights include Luke insisting that he and Duker have the best bromance despite great skepticism from his teammates (Luca: “I mean you got in a fight today.” Luke: “Ya, out of love.”) and Johnny and Luca’s joint announcement of their  engagement bromance, immediately endorsed by everyone else on the team.

November 22, 2022 If you had to describe yourself or a teammate using just Thanksgiving foods, what would you say? This is an all-timer. It starts with a series of teammates describing Moyle as the thickest Thanksgiving dishes possible, and then it builds to Johnny describing Seamus as pudding (presumably because he’s soft and sweet) and then looking longingly at Luca while telling him he’s the main dish. Also an unknown staffer chips in with a very important Seamus characterization: “Seamus Casey is green bean casserole. It’s a little different, it’s okay. But you only want it once a year.”

November 2, 2022 If you were sailing around the world, what would you name your boat? Hello, 911? I’m calling to report a murder. It was Jacob Truscott in the locker room with the “I would do Granger. Because I miss my roommates Thomas and Matty so it would remind me of them.” This one also features Adam’s dumb face goggling at Rutger’s incredibly dumb answer. And we also learned that Jaybone calls Gavin “Scooter.” 

April 4, 2023 Who’s the best teammate to room with on the road? They ended the season on a high note by revealing everybody's road roommates, with a heavy dose of characterization. Luke praising Truss, and then Truss getting snarky as soon as Luke turns his back. Last year’s Brendan/Dylan and Matty/Mackie roommate combos, a parent trap if ever I heard of one. Jaybone feeding Seamus chicken and rice and putting him to bed on time. Nolan and Gavin ordering Chik-Fil-A and clearly getting up to no good.

Tier II -- Screaming out loud

February 14, 2023 Who makes the best wingman? RICH with characterization. Self-deprecating Seamus vs. self-confident Gavin! (Particularly when contrasted with multiple teammates identifying Seamus as the best wingman and Adam emphatically declaring that Gavin’s the worst wingman even though literally nobody asked.) Luca and Johnny being absolutely besotted with each other, and Rutger manhandling them.

January 17, 2023 Who on the team takes the longest to get ready? Rutger trying to Facetime the Fantillis while they’re taking forever to do their hair is PURE GOLD. Also an early reference to Gavin getting the dance moves going.

March 8, 2023 What’s your favorite memory from the season, so far? Adam’s favorite memory was watching Luca score his first goal.

October 11, 2022 If you could have any zoo animal as a pet, what would it be? Wherein we learned that Phil and Keato adopted ducks last spring. “Shoutout to Moose, Chip, Waddle, Bandit, we miss you.” (Connor Earegood, you still owe us the details. We will not forget.)

October 19, 2022 If you could swap lives with a teammate for a day, who would it be and why? The origin of so many recurring motifs! Seamus being perpetually lost, Mackie lying around in bed all day, smarty Holtzy, and everybody wants to know what’s going in Mark Estapa’s head. Seamus: “I’d probably be Luca. He has a really safe moped. It’s really nice. I’d like to drive around on it.”

February 7, 2023 What is your favorite and most often used emoji? A sleeper hit, primarily due to Holtzy and Adam’s recreations of the facepalm emoji and the silly face emoji, respectively. And Eric’s dig about how Mackie would be the sleepy emoji. Gavin picking the upside down smiley face feels right, too.

Tier III -- Some classic moments

March 18, 2023 If you could fill the B1G Cup with anything, what would it be? Jacob Truscott’s finest Monday question appearance: Frenchifying Philippe LaPointe’s name and hassling Luca about ice cream flavors!

November 30, 2022 Who on the team would you NOT let tape your stick? A very important entry in Disaster Seamus canon. Doesn’t ever tape his stick. Doesn’t know how.

January 3, 2023 What’s on your 2023 bucket list? Yet another reference to Seamus being a liability on a moped. Luca wants to take a trip with the boys after the season. Steve wants to go back to back B1G champions (CHECK!) It’s a light week because the squad is off at WJC, so “Mine’s to give Dylan Duke a big ol’ hug when he gets back,” says Mackie. 

September 20, 2022 If you were a cartoon character, who would you be? Great answers top to bottom, but Adam going with Mike Wazowski because “I think he has a good heart” is the most intriguing. Gavin and Luca hugging it out is also important.

September 22, 2022 What would your walk-up song be? Gavin and Luca dancing away together is the highlight of this one. The mysterious Phil/Mark/Seamus pick of Hawaiian Rollercoaster Ride also intrigues.

January 12, 2023 Who would be your dream linemate? Features Luca uttering the supremely horny sentence: “My favorite D in the league right now is Quinn Hughes.” Also Moyle picking Blanks.

October 4, 2022 Who on the team would most likely survive a zombie apocalypse? Best line is from Luca: “Jacob Truscott, because he’s so cute the zombies would just want to hug him.” Seamus also points out that Mackie would survive because he’d sleep through it.

November 8, 2022 Which of your teammates would you want to narrate your life? Nolan Moyle “has a lot of stories about me,” hints Truss, darkly. TELL US MORE. Also Seamus carries two smoothies through the background. Who else did you get a smoothie for, Seamus?

Tier IV -- Merely good

March 15, 2023 Who on the team motivates you the most? Nothing too interesting except Frankie’s giant crush on Brendan Miles. Also a sweetheart answer by Luca about Adam, but that’s standard.

February 21, 2023 Give a compliment to a senior Adam with this bizarre story: “Keaton Pehrson brightens my morning every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He comes in and he explains to us the dreams that he had that night.” And Seamus brought jokes! “Moyle keeps his house really clean.” (And adds, “You have issues @nolanmoyle” in comments, no less.)

March 30, 2023 Who on the team would build the best sandcastle? Unexceptional except for Seamus’s heart eyes about Gavin

October 26, 2022 What was your worst Halloween costume? Nothing of note except Truss citing last year’s sophomore group costume as his worst.

December 14, 2022 If you could live in any holiday movie, what would it be? Luca: “The Grinch. Whoville looks like a sick time. Whoville looks like it’d be buzzing.”

January 24, 2023 Who would you want on your team in a snowball fight? Confirms many characterizations, not much new here. Always love a reference to Moyle taking things way too far, though.

January 30, 2023 Who on the team would make the best Bachelor? Largely uneventful. Frankie has a crush on Brendan.

Bonus content!

December 7, 2022 Skating on the Diag Gavin’s first big appearance! He burst onto the scene furiously negging Luca and Rutger.

December 19, 2023 Outtakes Featuring Luca and Johnny being clueless together

January 26, 2023 Michigan’s birthday Never forget Moyle’s shorts

February 1, 2023 A Day In The Life Of Luca Fantilli The greatest content ever produced.

February 12, 2023 Super Bowl predictions from your squad Glasses Rutger and Seamus in slut shorts

[horrocious]

top 5 scents? top 5 character tropes? top 5 ship dynamics? top 5 youtubers? :>

scents: fresh coffee, sun-kissed skin, baking bread, sea spray, calamine lotion

character tropes: I LOVE RUTHLESS AND EVIL WOMEN ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME WITH IT, also women who are pure of heart and dumb of ass, smart characters who look like they're falling apart, deeply organized characters beset by chaos all around them, and I love it when there's someone all-powerful who's also Just Chillin'

ship dynamics: lesbian rivals to lovers, lesbians who are mean to everyone else but sweet to each other (not even secretly), the "shush now my lady" gf x the "SILENCE" gf, the self-important gf with the gf who refuses to take her seriously, boss and subordinate gfs

youtubers: I don't watch a lot of people on there anymore, but I used to enjoy Shaun, Philosophy Tube, the Well There's Your Problem people, and Folding Ideas quite a lot. also shoutout to the people uploading soundtracks and albums on there.

[restlessreveries]

choosing violence: 8, 9, 10, 19

Oh boy, alright let's see...

I think I'm gonna have to roll 8 & 10 into the same response MOSTLY because I don't really know what to put on 8 exactly but I also feel like 10 kinda applies to it?

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about/10. worst part of fanon

BUT YEAH, it's the fandom's insistence that Sol is miserable/bored/apathetic and desperate to get out of the time loop (or whatever you call this not-loop arrangement). I swear, if I see another fic that has Sol feeling like shit because of the time loop thing I'm going to... not really do anything. Except maybe scream really loudly internally.

It's not like they're re-watching the same movie a thousand times and we only really see a small sample of the infinite possibilities they have on hand, but people are so fond of the despair over time loop thing and I kinda hate it.

9. worst part of canon

That we don't get a "I was a 20-something exocolonist" Continuation? No? That's cheating? Okay, let's see...

This is actually a tough one 'cause I've got several small annoyances but I think the big one is that no matter what you do, nobody will believe Sol about the visions or aliens (Like FFS even Dys can be the person who triggers Sol getting sent to be lobotomized). And special shoutout to that one event on the ridge where Utopia is more willing to believe that Dys has a secret older brother (SHE SPENT 20 YEARS ON THAT SAME SHIP! D8<) than that Sol is telling the truth about Sym being an alien. And then when you talk to the council at the end they go "Yeah no, lol we knew there was an alien presence out there". I get that Sol probably does a lot of faulty predictions too, but I just wish there was a golden route where people started trusting them if you somehow managed to mysteriously be in the right place at the right time to keep saving people's lives. Or something.

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

Vace would be the easy answer here but I'm actually not picking him for this. No, I'm gonna pick the other guy who I don't exactly like as as much as I kind of appreciate in terms of writing and find fascinating.

It's Lum.

It took me many months to actually start thinking about this guy more than writing him off as comically inept space dictator-wannabe. But when you take a step back he's actually kind of interesting. I think I'll put why under a readmore tho, 'cause while my earlier responses has some spoilers this goes into more important events.

Basically, I think Lum is interesting because he looks so dumb and inept and comically evil at first glance. But once you learn about the earth fleet, things start to look a bit differently.

Him being so rough with Utopia isn't just him being over the top evil for the sake of it. He's on a major time limit to get this planet into what the earth fleet considers shape, (with the "or else" option being them glassing the place) and Utopia confronts him in front of the entire colony, questioning his leadership and putting him on the spot. So he thinks and acts fast and brutally to force things back under his control 'cause he really can't risk losing that.

And when you think about it, a lot of his decisions are in the same line. Poorly thought out ways to handle the immense pressure he's under. He's not well suited for this, was probably never taught to handle these kind of decisions. The Helios supposedly got there in about 15 years and Lum is listed at 25 at the start of the game (30 on arrival), so he got onboard of that military ship when he was 15, grew up with a very limited worldview and was suddenly put in command of the entire operation. (he was like, second in command of communications before?) With the earth fleet threat breathing down his neck.

This isn't me excusing his behavior by the way. He did things that range from extremely shitty to horrifying. But part of me can't stop thinking about how much more chill he seems if he gets kicked from the leadership role, and that one Glow attack where he recklessly used himself as bait to lure the two faceless.

Basically, if Vace is the guy I want to put in a hamster ball and kick down the stairs. Lum is the guy I'd like to put by a pool and give a gym membership to in the peace ending, and then come back ten years later to see if he's turned into the himbo I suspect he could potentially be.

[triviareads]

ARC Review of Mafia Virgin by Mila Finelli

Rating: 4.5/5 Heat Level: 4/5 Publication Date: December 13th

Premise:

Aspiring doctor Emma Mancini is forced into an arranged marriage with Cosa Nostra Don Giacomo Buscetta allegedly to keep the peace between their families, and now they have just a few months to get pregnant.

My review:

This was the perfect end to the Kings of Italy series complete with all the greatest mafia hits: an intelligent but innocent heroine who's just begging to be corrupted, a brutal, gruff don who is VERY into that, an arranged marriage, and an order to get pregnant.... or else.

Emma's vibe is innocent, but also not. As she won't hesitate to remind you, she's an aspiring doctor who's not squeamish of bodily functions, and then she'll proceed to interrogate Giacomo about how his foreskin impacts his dick piercing, and whether he's into prostate play (the answer is yes, in case you were wondering). Not only does Giacomo find her brand of scientific exploration hot, but it also compliments his blunt personality.

Giacomo (under no circumstances will I be calling him Mo I'm sorry) is very different from the previous three Kings of Italy heroes; he doesn't bother with an elegant or legitimate facade of any sort and is more of a rough-and-ready type (a bit o'rough, perhaps?). Everyone thinks he's a "more brawn than brain" kinda guy (which he also internalized thanks to his dad), but that couldn't be further from the truth. For one, every time Emma tries to pull one over him, he catches on real fast. And he's good at math. I thought it was interesting that always being second best in his father's eyes is also the reason Giacomo is deeply into Emma being an *untouched virgin* because she's just for him and no one else.

Much like Fausto and Enzo, Giacomo is an older hero (there's a 12 year age gap) who feels guilty for exactly 10 seconds for being attracted to the younger, more innocent heroine (well tbh, I don't think Enzo ever felt guilty) before going into full-throttle seduction mode. Let me put it this way— the first "little girl" he utters might be derisive, but the rest of them are... very much not. And on Emma's part, she's super into the biiiiig, jacked, tatted thing Giacomo has going on (shoutout to that gym voyeurism scene), even if she's slightly upset that biology has triumphed logic.

And that's actually a pretty big part of Emma and Giacomo's romantic conflict; you won't get a lot of histrionics from these two, but everything Emma regards as logical and right— her dreams of becoming a doctor, her bodily autonomy, and even her being able to return to Toronto— has little to no meaning in the mafia world. And because of Giacomo's powerlessness in the past, he has no interest in relinquishing the power he has as a Don now, which is why the overarching plot centers around him trying to take back his power after being forced to marry Emma, and the retaliation that ensues. Ultimately, Emma and Giacomo have to reconcile these two distinct worldviews to be together.

Sidenote: in case you miss the rest of the Kings of Italy gang, don't worry; Frankie and Gia show up to support their sister and to remind us they're getting dicked down on the reg by wealthy, powerful (older) men, Enzo and Fausto are still trading insults like hissy kitties off-screen, and tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber (Vito and Massimo) make appearances as well.

The sex:

EXCELLENT. What I love about Mila Finelli sex scenes is that they will always deliver (complete with loads of Italian—and in this book Sicilian— dirty talk), and then toss in a few extra things you're thinking about long after you finish the book.

For one, Giacomo and Emma have a pretty hilarious start to their sexual relationship thanks to some questionable advice from Giacomo's cousin and his cook that amounts to "if you wanna make nice with her to get her preggo, you gotta make nice with her pussy first", which Giacomo takes quite literally. You have to appreciate a man who's trying, even if he responds to her "you're beautiful" with "I love your tits".

Also, if there's a breeding kink involved (and there is; if you couldn't tell by the summary, there absolutely is), cum-play/cum-eating feels like the natural progression of this kink, and Mila 100% delivers.

There is many a "moglie" and "marito" in this book which I personally love (and many a "sporcacciona" because they can't be all sweet).

There is a also good amount of ball play (and Giacomo pondering on the sad lack of love they get lolol), and I mention this because the specific moment from this book that lives rent-free in my head involves said act during a shower blowjob, AND it ties into their breeding kink. Brava.

Overall:

This is a sexy and satisfying (and just really fun) end to the Kings of Italy series. I don't think the book is very dark, but it definitely has all the hallmarks of a mafia romance and I'd absolutely recommend it to anyone who is even remotely interested in this subgenre.

Thank you to Mila Finelli and Valentine PR for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for my review.

[thevirgodoll]

Hi Virgodoll! I gave a presentation today at work that I think I bombed it. Also, I noticed in the shoutout chart that no one gave me one, so I asked leadership if I could give myself a shoutout. They said yes, so I publicly gave myself one. It felt good to acknowledge myself when no one did.

No matter how much I practice, I just can’t seem to give presentations the way I see most professionals do. I end up smiling and kind making weird funny faces. It could come off as unserious, but I’m actually doing that to reduce my anxiety.

I’m a very articulate person, but I lose my train of thought and can’t seem to express myself when giving presentations via zoom. I mix up words, phrases, tenses, etc. it’s strange cause I’m a damn good writer! It also sucks cause I’m a Black woman and I don’t want people thinking idk what I’m talking about. I do good work, but struggle with presenting it via zoom.

I asked leadership what they thought of my presentation. They said I did very well. For some reason I feel like they are just being nice. I always feel like I’m talking gibberish whenever I’m giving presentations.

I worry about how I’m perceived at work and how everyone thinks I’m dumb and can’t speak properly. Arghhh!

Any words of encouragement, constructive criticism, and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

I agree, it's good to acknowledge yourself and give yourself your flowers when no one else does. Believe me, it will happen more often than you think in the academic and corporate world.

However, I think you are falling victim to upwards comparison. What good is it to look at other people at work speak when they aren't you? They're probably boring, to be honest. While you can manage your facial expressions by doing speeches in the mirror, who told you the way you exist is wrong?

When it comes to speeches and talking to people, I just treat it like a conversation and let one thought carry me to where I need to go. I appeal to the audience I am talking to and adjust based on small pieces of information I gathered from them during a lunch break or the original interview. If you focus more on the fact that they're regular people and YOU are the star of the moment, it's easier to focus. That sounds delusional, but let it be.

It's easy to say "stop worrying how others perceive you" and I think that's a load of BS to serve that to y'all. We always worry about how we are perceived. I say focus on that anxiety and worry. Ask yourself what they could possibly be noticing. Why? Because then you can hold yourself accountable and realize that such scrutiny is coming from yourself. You are building a narrative that only exists if you plant the seed and bear fruit (***with the exception of a hostile work environment. If this environment is not hostile, and I am assuming it is fine prayerfully...);

If they say you're doing fine, affirm yourself. If they say they didn't like it, still affirm yourself and know that you're already doing well by having the guts to even go up there in the first place. Some people can't even get through a basic conversation.

Why can't you accept you did well? Perfectionism? Upbringing? Have you journaled lately? All of the picking yourself apart that you just did would be best written down in a diary so you can see how hard you are on yourself.

Regarding compliments, it's tough in the professional world, especially if you are of color. Sometimes, people don't give props because they feel like your confidence emits so loud and bright that you already know you're doing well.

Just continue asking for feedback, but also, practice your speeches and fall in love with yourself. Look at yourself and ask yourself why you hate the quirks that make you you. The idiosyncrasies you possess is actually the foundation for a memorable moment and makes people want to listen to you more. That's what makes a connection, an authentic impression, and a lasting memory... not robotic AI. Trust me - I am a Virgo lol.

[blackgirllovesdramas]

Not Me The Series (2021, Thai BL drama)

Thanksgiving break gave me a chance to revisit some dramas. First up my thoughts on Not Me. I have a lot of thoughts, most of them are not coherent. I also wish I was still active on tumblr when the show originally aired. The content and theories were GOLD! Also shoutout to everyone who does deep analysis on the characters. Y’all are the real MVPs.

Twins Black and White share an unbreakable bond. When their parents divorce and each take one twin (odd as hell and them parents deserve to get smacked) to raise alone and apart from each other. White goes to Russia with his diplomat father and Black stays in Thailand with his mother who is a judge. Not long after returning to Thailand, White finds out his brother Black as been attacked and put in a coma. Seeking justice for his brother, White assumes Black’s identity to infiltrate his world. While living as Black White falls in love with Black’s best friend Sean. Oh what a tangled web they weave…

Black - probably my favorite character in the show. Honestly I’m super sad we could not get the full backstory about him and Todd. I know it has to be juicy cause you just don’t fight your friends like that. LIKE WHAT HAPPENED BOOS??? In my Cardi voice I want to ask what was the reason???

Todd - who hurt you and why?!?! Get this beautiful rich baby some therapy ASAP.

White - Baby boy you have wanted to cosplay as your brother for while huh? It shows. Like he really did take Black friends and didn’t give AF. Save them fake ass tears White. You know that you did.

Sean - dummy. Next. No for real, you knew that wasn’t Black. He couldn’t even punch right! Sean willingly played dumb because he was in love. That is ok, we wouldn’t have the story if he didn’t!

Gram - equally dumb pining after Black’s girl for so long. Ugh but he did it with style!

Dan - Lt. Dan. Dan the man. I’ll never forgive you even if Yok does.

Yok - This sweet baby just wants to take care of his mom, do art and love his man…he deserved better.

Eugene - girl. Enjoy life with Gram!!!

Namo - honey he never asked you to be his girlfriend. I know the pain. You will find someone else….I ship her and Gumpa!!!

Gumpa - the true star of the show. He had all the sage advice. I enjoyed every scene he was in. I’d kill to get into his backstory.

I hadn’t watched this story in a while so it felt very new when I watched it again. Not one of my comfort shows, but worth the watch. The messaging is so spot on no matter what country you live in. Fighting for equality is everyone’s responsibility! The acting was so on point! Gun and First are the standouts to me. This drama has it all. Multiple slow burn romances, intrigue, betrayal, mystery and action. This drama has a little bit for everyone! Would I rewatch it? Yeah, maybe once or twice a year. 14 episodes at 45 minutes each, good binge. 8/10

The music in the show is AMAZING! I recommend looking up all the various songs they used because there are a TON of great ones across multiple genres!

[districtrage]

I need to get this out. I just need to vent.

I'm a lesbian, and gender and trans ideology scares me so deeply because of the way it has normalized homophobia again.

Trans women are real women. Trans women are real women. What happens when everyone repeats a lie? Women are adult human females and Trans women are biological males. So what happens to Lesbians when everyone repeats Trans Women are Real Women? When everyone repeats a lie?

Homophobia happens. Homophobia returns.

If trans women are real women, this means that now, women can have Penises! This also means that biological males can be Lesbians!

And this means Lesbian Sexuality is now problematic, since Homosexuality is same sex attraction and exclusive.

So the only way to deal with this was to edit Lesbian Sexuality. To include both the same sex and opposite sex. Aka, to include trans women. Homosexuality now includes same sex and gender, a fancy way of saying the biological opposite sex. An act of homophobia.

And this new form of Homophobia is more scary to me than old fashioned bible thumping homophobia. Because everyone understood they were in the wrong, those bible thumpers.

But when you've been brainwashed by gender and trans ideology to believe trans women are real women, and can be Lesbians, and Lesbians can now like Penis and Biological Male bodies? Well, nobody understands how homophobic it is to edit lesbian sexuality to include the biological opposite sex. And witnessing this new homophobia in action is so scary.

Trans women who are biological males are now centered in Lesbian Sexuality. Every post is "This blog is safe for TRANS woman! <3" "Happy Lesbian Day of Visibility to Trans Lesbians!" "Happy Lesbian Day/Shoutout of love to Trans Lesbians, He/Him Lesbians, Non Binary Lesbians, and... Cis Lesbians! The actual real Lesbians are an afterthought, with biological males being centered first. Anyone can be a lesbian now, as anything else would be not inclusive enough. The real lesbians, those female homosexuals are shamed for their crime of transphobia, their crime of not being attracted to the opposite sex! They are told they are NOT welcome, they are told they are TERFS

It's so disgusting. But people don't get it. They just don't get it.

Every single lesbian space online is now run and policed by biological males. They police everything we can say, ban us if we say anything they don't like. We are not allowed to be to open about our experiences, as certain experiences can offend trans women. For example, discussion of our dislike of penis is FORBIDDEN in Lesbian Spaces now. As 'some lesbians have penises'.

I remember once getting attacked for stating how when I was a teen girl I googled Penises because there was a tiny part of me still trying to talk myself out of being gay, and looking up Penises was the final piece of the puzzle to make me so repulsed I realized that yep, I'm def a Lesbian, never touching one of those! But this was considered cruel, as "Some Lesbians have penises!" And all of us Lesbians were shamed for being so open about our 'genital preference' we shouldn't talk about it, they tell us. "Keep that to yourselves!"

Speaking of genital preference, this is another new Homophobic phrase. Lesbians are told not liking penis is a genital preference, which is as homophobic as it sounds. Some of the 'nicer' trans women, and trans activists, will tell us it's OKAY to have genital preference because of trauma, or just genital preference in general, but if we wouldn't be with a post opt trans woman? Well, then yeah, we are def transphobic. And I'm sitting here like an inverted penis isn't a real vagina and surgeries and hormones doesn't make you a biological female? You're still a biological male and I'm still a Lesbian a female homosexual only attracted to other female homosexuals.

But nope that's transphobia. Funny how they call homosexuality transphobia but will play dumb and still ask how is it homophobic to include trans women in Lesbian sexuality, "It is homophobic to tell Lesbians who are same sex attracted to be attracted and date the biological opposite sex' they just scream terf and block or ban you. They don't even deny they are homophobic. And no one questions this.

I already know some people will just see this post and scream TERF, and that's what is also scary about this ideology. People are so deeply entrenched in this thinking they refuse to see the homophobia in editing same sex sexuality to include the opposite sex. They just won't see it. And that is fucking terrifying.

There are no female only lesbian spaces left online, the only ones left are in secret places with a vetting process to make sure males don't get in. Every single Lesbian reddit got banned that wasn't open to the opposite sex, and lesbians are banned everyday if their homosexuality is a little to much for trans women to handle. It is so deeply disturbing.

There's also the reality that if women and girls speak up about being flashed penis in change rooms, we are labelled as TERFS because since trans women are real women it is now FORBIDDEN to speak up about anything that happens to us as a result of biological males in our spaces. There are women being MOCKED right now for getting emotional about being exposed to Lia Thomas penis in changing rooms because trans women are real women and therefore seeing penis in female spaces is now OKAY.

We must be okay with males in our spaces, in our abuse and rape shelters, in our sports, all because trans women are real women and pointing out they are biological males is TERF thought. JK Rowling is a hated woman just for talking about the consequences of letting biological males into spaces for women and girls, and pointing out male rapists being placed into women's prisons, but nobody cares about the rights of women and girls, just the rights of biological males who call themselves women. And they don't see the misogyny of this? At all? It's scary.

People truly don't think they're in the wrong. And that's what scares me about this ideology. None of these people believe they're homophobic or misogynist for silencing women, because they've decided biological males can be women and that biological males who call themselves women are more oppressed than real women and therefore they matter more than real women. Hearing 'cis women' and 'cis lesbians' is so disturbing because it's literally a way to say, "biological females are not as important as biological males who believe they are women' it is a new way to hate and oppress women on the basis of our sex. And this ideology has captured the minds of so many people.

It's just disturbing. And I feel so bad for younger Lesbians right now, who are growing up with this ideology being told if they aren't attracted to the opposite sex they are transphobic. It's disgusting and gross. Lesbians don't like trans women, because they are biological males and we are homosexual females only attracted to other homosexual females. Lesbian was the ONLY sexuality to not include males. You don't get to insert yourselves into our sexulity.

Also, seeing some women call themselves "Lesbian" in spite of being in relationships with trans women, no you are not a Lesbian, you are either a Straight or Bisexual Woman. And that's okay. But if you like biological males no you're not a Lebsian. Even if that trans woman has had surgeries, you're still not a Lesbian. Lesbian sexuality does not include biological males and forcing it too by taking our word and editing it harms the real lesbians, the ones who need protecting.

[gigapigeon]

look look look

[i17iskillingmylife]

it's been a few days since i went up here. ive been informed that its kind of telling the extent to which im touched like deeply in my heart over the boring ugly ass places i spend my time but like lets be real here most people are basically on some hot mindless bullshit vis a vis beauty like youve got people talking about like. fucking. what. literally the most boring shit ever like just incapable of forming a single relationship with anything theyve ever seen unless they've been given the wordless "okay" for it from the world at large like people wear fucking makeup and shit. thats whats really gay i think.

theres a circle of nothing around the facility just boxing you in same way the heat does you know, which makes sense because no one wants to live around this place for the same reasons no one wants to live by an airport or a cemetery or anywhere drugs are produced in significant numbers, all of which they also do out here btw. lol. anyway it's a chain; youre contained first by the heat then by the machinery and then by miles of space, empty space not even horse trails or makeshift shooting ranges or nothing like that. you dont come out here you know theres no lights.

anyway personally i think there's a lot to be said for walking on something huge and hollow. i'm pretty significantly underweight and shorter than the average adult male even though thats what i am and i wasnt expecting the metal underneath me to cave but it did. nothing gave way of course but there's something interesting about the feeling of the "ground" literally caving in under your feet. im vaguely conscious that i should be afraid of this, but that's just another sensation.

the lights are off color here but your presence makes every one of them feel like a halo shining down. i dont make a habit of thinking about or expressing my feelings but sometimes i do feel them and i think you're a dumb bitch for asking any more of me than that

churning and gurgling under the dented metal beneath my feet is laid over by the dull roar of the fans. the wind blows and from what cant be less than five stories above the ground i look down and watch him move. it's always fascinated me the way clothing can frame a body; he looks different than he did before. i'd smile but i don't feel like it. thats okay though

used to spend a lot of time thinking about places like this and the consequences of spending lots of time in them. i want to get my fingers into places like this even if it pinches and burns. now's a really good time for us to split a cigarette you know. sit down a minute. 20$ says you wont see more than 7 or 8 cars on the road going through here the whole time we're up watching. it's got to mean something to someone but im honestly just cool hanging out with you. no big deal yk i just dont get out that often anymore so i get sentimental real easy like its so gay.

so yeah slickdirk. this is a little rambly and shit im not apologizing here just like giving a warning im typing this up inthe library after an early early morning /late late night shift cuz the electric in my unit is off and its hot as ass in there so fuck that basically. anyway

before i say anything more of course ive got to specify that i'm totally riffing off of tumblr user @youabandonedthem for my slick characterization here. but honestly it doesn't feel like characterization it's more like dear beloved sweet yat has the only meaningful understanding of slick anyone has ever had in the world like i mean come on look at that fucking blog youre kidding me and also stupid as fuck if you think thats even an interpretation of the character its just straight up factual. jackass. anyway im all over it hope its ok to namedrop you here dont be a stranger and all that.

similarly shoutout to dear beloved sweet @ottiliere for her dirk characterization which is similarly the only dirk that could possibly matter to me like most of everyone else who posts about him seems to have just not read homestuck some of the people writing meta about him even just have no grasp on ANY of the characters if were being real here but thats way off topic anyway otti owns i dont usually give a shit about aus but if its good its good and if you deny it youre nothing basically.

i dont think anyone has given love to tmc the way yat does and i don't think anyone has really put their heart into making weird niche homestuck art the way ottiliere does (at least not in this era like ive been OVER this before if youve ever talked to me we are living in a post-post-homestuck society). which makes sense because the vast majority of modern fans (of anything) are altogether much more boring breed. no plumage or patterns or anything fun. but thats another thing. and also overly pessimistic of me but whatever i feel like if someone reads that and feels like theyre being called boring its because they know somewhere that theyre boring and missing out and maybe thats their wakeup call to start getting silly with it. or maybe no one cares i dont know i dont give a shit.

anyway the intitial interest in slickdirk was generated pretty specifically in the context of the two of them being psych warded together. typically this prospect alone would be like harlequin novel parody fanfiction type shit such that i wouldnt have any interest in it, but this was different from the get go on the basis that their interactions were never initially about romance.

dirk is self aware to the point of walking backwards. he's self obsessed, self conscious, hyperfixated-in the true sense-on how he presents himself. like all people like this, he's also constantly telling on himself. i'm speaking in terms of canon and otti's dirk here btw, this is true of both fundamentally. in terms of otti's vision specifically, though…it's dialed up, right.

people who think about themselves like this are inherently isolated from other people because, regardless of how they feel about themselves, they're very convinced they're better than everyone else. being in an institution full of other sick people can spur this line of thinking regardless of how untrue it is; once you've decided you're above the rest of the BRAINBROKE FREAKS around you, it's hard to even start to empathize with any of them! if you look back at some of otti's older posts you can kind of feel the extent to which dirk doesn't want jackshit to do with nothing going on in the hospital like just obviously has no interest in participating or anything like that in any capacity.

slick on the other hand like. really i can't write any of this without referencing yat's house essay about the midnight crew watching house and specifically spades slick watching house and how he would feel about it. forget everything i just said and go read that and then come back. okay so he obviously thinks about himself and his body and very specifically his disability in such a way that he is basically completely unaware of it in spite of living with it day to day. if you know what kind of guy im talking about here you know but also im going on good faith here assuming you read the youabandonedthem papers so even if you dont KNOW you should at least have kind of an idea what im referring to here.

the big draw between these two is that they're both in completely different subtypes of denial about themselves to vastly different effects. of course they'd be drawn to each other in this scenario…they're literally the ONLY NORMAL people in the whole building uhh have you seen the other guys in here. lol like what even.

and the thing is that even following up the initial theorized meeting in the ward, like, there's all this potential for what could come after…don't get it twisted this isn't some edgy folie a deux that im suggesting that would be so boring.

they're more than "bad for each other" even if they're not quite "good for each other" either. it isn't about an endgame or even necessarily "shipping" as a lot of people think of it. it's more like…the ways their differences and similarities line up feel aligned, even though it wasn't intentional, the same way some moments just feel "right". it isn't about how long the moment lasts or what its impact is, just that there was a moment where there wouldn't have been one if even a few tiny things had shifted. life is comprised of shit like that right. so when something like slickdirk comes along you can either balk at the absurdity of it or ride the wave.

orjust like passively observe thats an option too of course. no big deal it could literally never ever be a big deal im literally just out here trying to have fun trying to make myself laugh yk.

[shurisneakers]

harmless (vii)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, existential crisis, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, lil bit of angst, clint barton being a lil shit

Word count: 3.4k

A/N: hey shoutout to @ugherik for suggesting a spin on the “A PLATYPUS!??!“ [perry puts his hat on] “PERRY THE PLATYPUS!???” thing. i used it in here, it’s a really small part and probably missable but i tried!! also i like the next chapter better than this one, i just wanted to put this here so it doesn’t seem abrupt <3333

here’s

my ko-fi

if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

Bucky can’t stop staring at the mirror.

He wishes it was for narcissistic purposes. He had enough reason for it to be. His age may be a hundred but he had the youthful exuberance of a very drained sixty year old.

But no, it wasn’t because of the steel cut jawline or thousand gigawatt smile.

After last week’s mini-spiral, he does what almost half the videos on TikTok warn him not to do.  

He got a haircut.

Everyone’s reaction stopped him from following it up with an ear piercing, but he can’t confidently say he didn’t at least consider it once. Maybe a neck tattoo. 

He pulls at a lock of hair. It’s not even longer than his finger.

What did he do-

“It’s just a haircut, man,” he says to no one in particular, almost like he’s trying to reassure himself.

He runs his hands through his hair. It takes lesser time than he was used to.

Steve had told him he looked good. But then again, Steve wore a fugly costume 90% of the time, what did he know?

Clint acknowledged it and didn’t outright call him ugly, which he supposed was a compliment. Wanda simply smiled at him.

“FRIDAY?” he reaches out.

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes?” comes the automated reply.

“How are you?” It took him some getting used to her, given that she was constantly listening to everything, and in general seemed to go against the universal idea of privacy. 

But his therapist told him he needed to form friendships. 

She didn’t mention it had to be human ones.

“As good as ever. Is there anything I can help you with?”

He wants to ask her what she thinks of his hair until he realises fashion advice from a faceless AI is a new low for him. Maybe ‘Do you think I should crawl into a pit and die?’ would be more appropriate. 

“Never mind,” he dismisses instead. “Any messages for today?”

“A reminder to buy a harder bed because you can’t keep sleeping on the floor.” Ah, that was on Sam’s recommendation three months ago, but he wasn’t going to stop any time soon. “And a text from a contact named Nuisance saying to meet them at the attached location in thirty minutes.”

“Where is the location?”

“The local sports centre.”

“Isn’t that closed today?” 

If he had to go out in public looking like this, maybe he could wear a cap and sunglasses and no one would recognise him. Unfortunately, as he was reminded several times before by anyone with an iota of common sense, it was a stupid disguise. 

Beanie it was, then. Bare minimum. 

“It is, yes.” Fewer citizens to worry about.

“Okay.” He hesitates in front of the mirror again, adjusting the hat on his head. “Thank you, FRIDAY.”

“You’re welcome, Sergeant.”

He stares at the little tuft of hair at the front that refused to stay down no matter how much he shoved it back.

“Come on, man,” he exhales in slight despair. “Whatever.”

____

The lock of the door leading to the pool is easy enough to pick. He can see how you got in without a hitch even though it was closed. 

The deck around the pool was absolutely drenched in water. No one was using it, there was no reason for water to splash out unless it was deliberately kept like this.

He catches sight of you easily, being that you’re the only two people there. You were standing at the end of the hall, head ducked as you scrolled through your phone.

The door closes behind him with a soft thud.

You don’t look up from your mobile when you start talking, “What do you think 6 year olds like?”

Because James Barnes, carbon dated to 1917 and therefore certified young person, would definitely know the answer to this question.

“I don’t know. Lego?”

“Just how much money do you think a teacher makes-”

You stopped mid-sentence, finally lifting your head to catch his eye. He stares back at you, steps faltering when you don’t move.

"Who are you?" you squinted.

What

"It's me," Bucky says, tugging off the dumb beanie and using it to gesture vaguely towards himself. Fuck, he shouldn’t have worn it, it was ridiculous anyway-

"You sound like him..." You narrow your eyes. “You don't look like him.”

Great

He rolls his eyes before putting on a mock scowl. Can't have Bucky Barnes without a sense of eternal disgruntlement.

"Oh hey, that is you." You grin. "You got a haircut."

“I did.” He suddenly feels the awkwardness increase. His fingers fidget with the beanie.

“Nice.” You nod in acknowledgement.

He wants to hit himself at the words that just spill out before he could think about it. “You hate it.”

“I never said that,” you snort. “And since when does my opinion matter?”

“It doesn’t.” But now he wants to know what you think since he didn’t trust anyone else to tell him honestly.

“Must cut down on time in the shower, huh?”

It did.

He shrugs. He shoves the beanie into his back pocket.

“Was it a crisis haircut?” How did you kno- “Are you going to get bangs next time?”

“Shut up,” he says lamely, a dull burn in his cheeks. 

“I know a place where you can get hair dye for cheap. Not technically FDA approved, but I think purple streaks are a good place to start-”

“What are we doing here?” he interrupts, sighing.

“Skinny dipping. Take off your shirt, Barnes.” 

“Funny,” he says dryly, eyeing your shoes when you straighten up.

Ice skates.

“Fine, pants then.” You don’t make any effort to move from your end so he does, walking closer to you. 

“What are those for?” He doesn’t hide the annoyance from his voice when he points at your feet.

“Oh, these?” You look down at them. “Yeah, I’m going to freeze the pool.”

That seems... mild compared to the shit show you wanted to do last time.

“For?” He halts where he is. 

“’M gonna take my friends ice skating.”

“Is that all?” He wants to make a comment about the fact that you have friends but bites it back.

“Today is just a trial run. Tomorrow I’m gonna go freeze the East River.” There it is.

“The East River is not your personal ice skating rink.”

“Not yet it isn’t.” You lift up a middle finger.

It was too early for you to flip him off, even by your standards.

He raises an eyebrow.

Your face scrunches in confusion. You follow his gaze to your finger. “Oh yeah, no, that’s a freeze ring.”

Only then he notices a ring around the finger. From where he was standing he could make out the blue stone that adorned it.

“Joy.” He rolls up the sleeves of his black bomber jacket. “Let’s get this done with, then.”

“No no, wait.” You hold up your hand and he complies, having nothing to lose anyway. You pull out your phone and press a few buttons before shoving it back into your bag and tossing it aside.

The soft sounds of a piano start playing from a boombox near the corner of the room. A child starts singing following a series of knocks.

His eyebrows furrow. “What the fuck is this?”

“The Frozen soundtrack.” You beam at him. “I thought it was fitting.”

He doesn’t know what that is and at this point, he’s too afraid to ask. He can vaguely make out the lyrics being about a snowman but he isn’t too concerned.

He takes one step forward. You immediately point your fist at the ground in front of him, forcing him to jump back when a blast hits right in front of his shoes. Suddenly he gets why the floor is covered in water.

It sounds like a series of cracks as the water starts freezing over, a layer of ice now separating him and you.  

"You ready?” The mischief was woven in your voice as the blasts continued throughout the deck, effectively turning the entire floor into ice.

Bucky takes a step tentatively forward. Not bad. He takes another. Okay.

The third one is when shit starts to hit the fan. His hands shoot out to hold onto his balance when his footing slips from beneath him.

His Nike sneakers aren’t used to snow. They’re used to well manicured lawns and pavement trips to Starbucks and marble floors of the compound. Not swimming pool decks covered in ice.

He can hear you singing in the distance and every time he looks up you’re a little further away, making sure every inch of space is frozen.

It takes him a while to get over the initial fear of breaking his skull and just move forward swiftly with short steps. A goddamn penguin is what he looked like.

“There you go, you’re getting it,” you chirp as you whiz past him. He reaches out to grab at you, only to miss by an inch. He staggers, arms flapping wildly to regain his stability.

He hears crackling beside him. He gets a second or two to watch ice crystals spread through the water before turning it completely solid. You step onto the now frozen pool, testing your weight with one leg before cautiously getting on.

A triumphant smile emerges on your face. “Awesome.”

He manages to press himself against the wall as a form of support. 

There is no point to this whole thing. He knows this. It’s been well over 6 weeks and there is genuinely no point to this.

He realises it again when he moves from side to side, body erupting into a waddle. 

Why is he doing this. He doesn’t get paid extra. He doesn’t get any kind of compensation. All he gets is more wisecracking geniuses, embarrassment and the mortifying ordeal of getting caught imitating a penguin.

The song changes to a woman singing about doing something for the first time, forcing him to pay attention to it. He hears something about ball room and balls and tunes right back out.

Bucky manages to find his way to the actual pool since that’s where you’re twirling around, opting to land on his mental arm in case things go wrong. He takes a sliding step forward, followed by another. Maybe he can do this. 

“If a 200 pound super soldier can stand on this, I suppose it’s strong enough,” you muse, watching him slip and slide as he tries to invent makeshift ice skating.

Unfortunately, his method doesn’t have any brakes, so while he’s too busy trying to move forward, there’s no way to actually stop. He finds this out very soon when he almost launches himself off the edge of the pool.

Something yanks him backwards and back onto the ice.  

“Honestly, this is utterly useless since you can’t really do anything but it’s the most fun I’ve had all week,” you admit when he goes sliding towards the middle, arms flailing.

“You had to pick fuckin’ ice of all things.” He thinks that maybe he’s getting a hang of this. He can definitely move faster than what he was doing like, 10 minutes ago. It’s not like you were going anywhere, anyway. 

“I like to keep things spicy.”

He stays where he is to glare at you. You mouth the words to the song, watching his every move whenever it interested you. 

Okay, change of plan; a temporary distraction till he figures out how to actually get the ring from you. He settles on skating towards the edge of the rink slowly, taking a step off, slipping almost immediately when his foot comes in contact with the deck. 

“Where are you going?” you yell over the music initially but immediately break into song when it ends in a crescendo.

He takes a knee, lifting his metal arm up before driving it into the ground. It shatters magnificently, leaving small shards of ice at his disposal. 

He picks up one of them, waiting for you to complete your dumb twirl. He takes aim, and-

“Ouch, what the fuck?” You stop your off key singing to rub your shoulder where the ice hit you.

He wordlessly picks up another piece to throw at you, hitting you squarely in the leg.

“Stop that!”

He may not be able to move as fast but he can definitely throw. 

“Give me the ring,” he commands, stretching his arm behind his back before releasing another piece to hit your forearm. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” There’s nowhere you can skate to avoid his stupidly good marksmanship. 

“You gotta do what you gotta do.” He shrugs, breaking another patch of ice to replenish his ammo. “Hand over the ring.”

“Over my dead body,” you shriek when a particularly big piece lands next to your feet. You knew he missed that shot on purpose.

“I feel like I’m finally acting my age,” he says casually, finding your darting about in order to avoid him more fun than he initially thought. “Can’t throw pebbles at meddling kids so this is the next best option. Thanks.” 

“If you acted your age you’d be in a casket, Barnes,” you hissed, finding that skating in zig zags helped your cause, but not by much. “I’d be- you bitch- I’d be more than happy to help you get there.”

You raise your arm, ready to send another blast to freeze the water that was starting to melt around him, hopefully, keep him where he was if it froze around him. 

He flinches. You notice immediately, hand dropping slightly when you realise what it looked like.

“I’m not gonna freeze you,” you say, softer than you intended. From what you knew, he had enough and more experience with that and you weren’t going to contribute to it. 

He swallows thickly, giving himself a little shake of his head as if to jolt him out of his train of thought. 

Another piece of ice hits you in the leg. You let out a string of curses at him.

“The more ice you make, the more I have to throw at you, Y/N.” He waits for you to regain your balance when you nearly take a stumble. 

“Shut up, you’re so immature.”

“Remind me whose plan this was again?” No point waiting for you to regain your balance when you fall over only a few seconds later. 

He gathers a few shards in his beanie, tucking it into his belt like a little makeshift rucksack just in case before venturing out on the main rink again. 

It’s more difficult for you to stand without railings to guide you, giving him enough and more time to make his way towards you, staggering and skidding. 

Both of you looked ridiculous. 

“Stay away, fiend.” 

“Ring first.” He holds his hand out in front of you. He even considered pulling you up if you just made things easier.

Next thing he knows he’s on his ass on the ice beside you. 

“I hate you,” he groans, watching as you inch away from him on your knees.

He doesn’t really have any other options so he shoves aside the humiliation and gets on his knees, using his arms to drag him along the ice.

“For the love of Christ, none of us are winning here. Just give me the ring.”

The bitch from the soundtrack sings about letting it go but he won’t. 

“Never,” you shout, sliding away from him as fast as possible. 

You make use of the fact that the top layer of ice is starting to melt, using the ring to freeze it again. His knees and fingers get stuck as the water freezes over but he has super strength. It barely takes him a second to free himself. 

“Great,” he huffs, just settling down on the ice, ignoring the sting of cold that was spreading through his limbs. Running after you wasn’t going to work; he needed a way to get the ring. 

“You won last time, I’m not letting you win again.”

“Are we seriously keeping score?” He watches as you scramble towards the edge.

“No one likes a loser, Bucky.” You use the pool stair railings to pull yourself up.

“Explain why you have friends then.” He can’t help himself this time. 

“Hardy har har.” You roll your eyes. 

He doesn’t make an effort to move. Instead, when you take a step back into the rink, he raises his arm and pummels it into the ice, just to annoy you. 

The ground damn near shakes, pushing you dangerously towards losing your balance again. 

“Are you crazy?” Your arm shoots out in front of you to keep you from falling headfirst. 

“No.” He does it again. This time there’s a crack in the ice. “I’m just very tired.”

“If the ice breaks we’re both gonna be underwater, you moron!”

“Fine by me.” He shrugs. “Freeze it again. I’ll just find different ways to ruin it for you.”

You glare at him. He raises his arm above his head again.

“Fine! Fine, stop.” You eye him as he lowers his arm. 

He reaches for his stash of ice pieces from earlier, throwing one at your shoulder again.

“Boy, I swear if you don’t stop doing that-” you duck when another one comes at you. You had no idea he could be this annoying. 

It suddenly hits him, like a lightbulb going off in his brain. He wipes his hands off on his jacket, getting on all fours before slowly managing to pick himself up again. 

He looks at you, tilting his head slightly like he was studying you.

“What?” you ask suspiciously, eyeing as he starts inching closer towards you. “What are you thinking?”

It’s like watching a newborn deer stumble its way through the world, albeit more gracefully, until he starts picking up speed. The motherfucker was going to mow you down.

The skates are useful but not so much when an extremely determined bumbling oaf is barrelling towards you, his speed beginning to match yours even without equipment. 

You don’t know why you’re running, you don’t know why he’s chasing after you but when you see the end of the pool you take a sharp left only to have him knock right into you, sending you both sprawling.

You land half on top of him, breaking your fall but it doesn’t stop the very loud groan that escapes your mouth. He’s already in the process of sitting up straight, giving you less time to analyse what just happened.

“What the fuck was that for?” you speak through gritted teeth. “Fuckin’ acting like the both of us have free healthcare.”

“You refused to give up.”

“So your plan was to tackle me like a quarterback?” You threw your hands up.  

“One part of it.” He drags himself to the edge, away from you. 

“There's more to your monkey brained plan?” He doesn’t look at you. The ice around the pool has more or less melted, letting him gain proper footing on the floor before he stands up. 

“Oh, yeah.” He turns to you. “The other’s a trick I stole from Stark.”

Bucky holds up the ring. Your jaw slightly drops, eyes searching your finger for the now missing piece of tech. 

“Suppose that’s two points for me?” 

You’re impressed. You also want to stab him. So you do the next best thing.

“When I imagined you holding a ring in front of me, the circumstances were very different,” you comment.

“Bye, Y/N.” He spins on his heel, not even giving you a second’s worth of reaction. You found it amusing.

He heads towards the door, clothes all wet. He empties out melted ice water from his beanie before stuffing it into his pocket. Just when he’s about to leave, you remember something. 

Do you mean it genuinely or just because it has an effect on him? 

“Just for the record, Barnes, about your hair-” you call out, earning his attention from over his shoulder. “I think you look really good either way.”

The world may never know. 

You swear you can see the corners of his lips quirk upwards before he turns around again. 

He slips on a block of ice, cursing and clenching on to the door to keep him upright, quickly yanking it open and leaving before he has a chance to embarrass himself further.

Smooth.

Next part

[oro-e-diamanti]

Quiet Music: Scherzo (Chapter Six; Part Two)

In collaboration with @bethanysnow

Butterflies getting caught in throats with no words to help explain. Time standing still with a heart breaking. Determination and a willingness to see it through float away in sleep.

Content | Fluff, slight smut warning, tw injury (nothing major, just a wrist injury)

Pairing | fem!Reader x Damiano

Word Count | 6644

Shoutout to @damianodavide​, who was a superb help on this chapter and the real life nurse behind this one ;) 😘

***

Damiano’s head was spinning. As soon as he closed his eyes, Y/n’s face appeared in front of him, eyes hooded, lips plumps from just having kissed him, and an expression that promised a need for more. It left him bothered in a way that he knew would not let him sleep until he took care of it. Trying to pretend it was her feminine hand instead of his own rather undignified touch, he reached into the waistband of his underwear immediately letting out a hiss at the contact. 

He was desperate for her, but if he couldn’t have her, his imagination would have to do. Pictures flashed through his mind as he moved his hand. Her on her knees, looking up at him through long lashes. He had already gotten a taste of the way she reacted when he complimented her, watching her eyes go wide as he called her a good girl. Her being good for him. Her on her back, ready to be devoured by him in any way he pleased. Feeling his hands go into her hair pulling her face up to look at him. Her bent over whatever furniture he could find, willing to let him have his way with her. Deeply, madly, irrefutably, he wanted it all. She was truly making him lose his mind. Her body and the way she moved were infatuating. Her laugh when someone did something dumb. The look in her eyes when she teased him back. He could still feel the kiss she left on his lips. He never wanted that feeling to end. Brava ragazza mia.

He came with an embarrassingly loud groan, unable to hold back or keep quiet. For a moment, in the silence, he wondered if anyone had heard. He was well aware that his room was surrounded by those of bandmates and crew, but he couldn’t remember who it was exactly anyway, and it didn’t bother him for long, his hazy mind drifting around once again. 

***

“Where is your mind at?” Y/n looked up as Victoria pulled her out of her thoughts unexpectedly. Y/n had stopped in Victoria's room after breakfast, trying to keep tabs on what everyone’s plans were on their day off. She had meant to get some work done as Victoria was busying herself getting ready, but it had ended up with her staring into the distance, laptop almost forgotten on her lap.

“Oh, sorry. I’m here, what were you saying?” 

“I asked where your mind is at.” Victoria fell forward laying on the bed. Y/n knew that the blonde was starting to learn to read her like a book and she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not.

“Yeah, um, listen. What would you say to someone that may have absolutely decimated her career, by maybe accidentally kissing her boss while they were all high?” She didn’t dare look at the bassist, bracing herself for whatever negative reaction would potentially come from this.

Victoria sat up in surprise, eyes wide and the hint of a smile playing on her lips. “I’m going to need a lot more information than that.” Without giving in to Y/n’s slight protest, she removed the laptop from the assistant’s legs, closing it shut and putting it away. “Tell me everything.”

“Well, there wasn’t much to it really. We sat on the couch, you know that. And I said something stupid about how his eyes looked like chocolates, or maybe gemstones? I don’t quite remember. Anyway, then he pulled my hair out of the hair-tie. I went to kiss his cheek, but he turned his face. Fuck, it was bad. Not the kiss! He is very good at that! But I shouldn’t have done that. And then he just went ‘it's cool, it happens’. What does that even mean?!” She was talking much too quickly, getting it all out before the rational part of her brain would make her shut up. Make her remember she was talking to someone she’d only just started getting to know a week ago, who she was working for. “Then Thomas crashed and you know how that ended. Now I might be avoiding him. Just a bit.” She looked at Vic with a slight panic in her eyes, unsure if she had said too much.

Victoria, on the other hand, seemed delighted to no end, if a little shocked. “Wait, as if you kissed with all of us there and no one noticed!” She exclaimed, briefly pausing, contemplating, but shaking it off to get back to the conversation. “So… Good kiss, huh? Did you enjoy it then? Wanna do it again?” Her eyebrows raised in curiosity.

“Victoria! That is not what I am worried about here! I could lose my job. I- I could never show my face out there again if people found out. And I really enjoy this job, you know!” Her face scrunched a little bit, calming down with a sigh. “...But also, yes, he was a gentleman, and if he wanted to … kiss me again, I probably wouldn’t say no. But I also wouldn’t say yes. I work for you. This is not the time to be thinking about how much I enjoyed kissing Damiano!”

Her eyes went wide as her voice dropped to a whisper, looking down at her hands. “Ah fuck, I said that out loud.” 

“Okay, let’s look at it from a rational standpoint then.” Victoria turned slightly more serious at seeing her panic. “There is no way you’ll be losing your job over this. Maybe I wouldn’t advise hopping into bed with the whole band and crew, but we always got a tight-knit relationship with people we work with anyway, you know that. None of us would rat you out to management or anything. Plus, if you liked and Damiano liked it… wouldn’t it be a shame to worry about anything else instead of going for it?”

“I don’t know if he liked it. I was busy trying not to pass out, to be honest. I avoided him this morning by going straight to your room. I actually kind of avoided everyone, I’m scared the words of what happened will just come out to anyone who asks… Kind of like they just did with you.” She let out another deep sigh, switching between looking at her nails, picking at them, and out the window. “If he ...you know ... Then maybe. I honestly don’t even know what I would do with that information. On the off chance that he did like it though. And wanted to go for it then I’d consider it.” She tried to remain as put together as possible and, well aware that she was failing miserably. 

“Well, in that case, we have to find out what Damiano wants!” Victoria’s enthusiasm was back with a vengeance. “You should talk to him! Or should I talk to him? Maybe I should lock you in a room like those romcoms and threaten to not let you out again until you kiss.”

“Or you don’t do that because that is entrapment. I think I would be cool with you talking to him. But I still have to do my job. That comes first. Because as far as I am concerned,” Y/n got up and grabbed her laptop again, “it is business as usual. And last night was a fluke. Not to crush your rom-com dreams, love, but if I spoke to him I’d put my foot in my mouth faster than you can play bass.”

The smirk on Vic’s face didn’t promise anything good. “We’ll see about that, we’ll see,” she ominously muttered, before jumping up from the bed. “Now stop trying to pretend you got work to do, we’re going vintage clothes shopping.”

*** 

The thrift store turned out to be a small hole-in-the-wall kind of place, just off a side street - perfect for shopping in peace without getting much attention at all. Y/n hadn’t been all that keen on keeping the band company for this little adventure, but Victoria had insisted, claiming she needed a female perspective in case the boys were being stupid again. It had only taken a serious case of the puppy dog eyes to win her over, and Victoria found herself making a mental note to remember it.

The store was stuffed full of clothes, a kind of chaos that seemed to have an order that only the owner really understood. But it looked like heaven, and within seconds everyone had vanished into some corner or other, dying to find their newest favourite piece. For a moment, Victoria contemplated who she wanted to follow first, feeling the need to talk to at least two different people but also never wanting to miss out on a chance to go crazy with Thomas. Ended up deciding on Damiano. It seemed the more pressing issue. She hadn’t failed to notice how he would try to pretend that everything was normal, yet continuously evading Y/n’s eyes. She had kept her distance all the same. This wasn’t acceptable. She had to do something, Victoria decided.

She found the singer shuffling through some blouses, although much more half-heartedly than he tended to be when it came to vintage clothes. Looking out from the racks Victoria saw Y/n doing the same. She briefly considered how to go on about this - admit that Y/n had told her what had happened? Pretend she had actually seen the kiss last night? - but figured that Damiano would start talking on his own accord sooner or later. Especially if this was affecting him the way it was Y/n, and she was almost hoping it was.

“Okay, spill, what’s up with you today?”

Damiano shrugged, pulling a shirt out from the rack, and holding it against his body, waiting for Victoria's opinion. She raised a brow and put it back wordlessly.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” he responded rather vaguely.

“Damia, you’ve barely spoken at all today. Normally you can’t shut up. And you know, I’d be thankful for some peace and quiet from you, but you’re actually worrying me. So what’s going on with you?” 

Damiano had a panicked look on his face as he scanned over the racks of clothes, his eyes flickering back and forth, obviously noticing Y/n shuffling through some things and slowly getting closer. Taking Vic by surprise, he dragged her into the dressing rooms. 

“Okay, that’s…. Weirdly intimate, but go on,” Vic mumbled to herself as he closed the curtain behind them, still nervously looking around the small space.

“Rather talk to you in here, than her hear me out there. I may have fucked up, royally.” He crossed his arms over his chest and Victoria was sure he would be burning a hole into the wall with his vision if he possessed that power. He was avoiding looking at her and she knew it.

“Explain,” she simply demanded, sitting down on the tiny stool in the corner and looking up at Damiano. She wanted to hear it from him, hear what had happened in his version of the story, hear what was bothering him so much.

“So we were at that bar, right? Y/n was sitting next to me. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you were there. Anyway. We were talking. I don’t know if it was the smoking or whatever else, but I looked at her and - I don’t know why I did this but I did. I pulled her hair out of her hair tie.” He leaned on the wall, his head hitting the brick behind him. He groaned but Vic assumed it didn’t have anything to do with the pain. “And… and she was so beautiful. Her hair just all around her. So soft. And at that moment, she was laughing and it sounded heavenly. And I went to look at her again and suddenly my lips were on hers…” His voice softened at the end, losing his train of thought and drifting. She had never quite seen him like this. “Then she was freaking out, and I told her some fucking stupid line like ‘it happens’. I just wanted her to calm down but… Now she must think I’d just...” He groaned, slumping a little and finally looking over at Vic. “Then she ran off to help Thomas.” 

“So, what you’re saying then is that you did enjoy it? Potentially wanna do it again?” She felt transported back to the conversation she’d had with Y/n just hours earlier, posing almost the exact same question. She had never been this involved with any of her friends’ relationships to this extent, but something told her that her help was desperately needed in this case.

He raised a brow at her. “Did you not hear the part where after we kissed she then proceeded to freak out? I doubt that she even wants to see my face right now.” A heavy sigh left him and Victoria found herself laying a hand on his arm. “And of course I want to kiss her again, Vic. I close my eyes and she is there. Hell, she wakes me up every morning! I can’t escape. She is everywhere I go! I turn a corner and she is there. She's the one we go to when wanting to eat, she arranges the cars, she helps us with concerts, she’s doing everything all the time. I don’t know how much more I can take!” 

*** 

Y/n stood in the shoe aisle holding a pair of heels in her hand, contemplating for a second, before putting them on. Turning towards Ethan, who was walking towards her now, she realised it had eliminated all height differences between them. Definitely too high, she thought to herself. Holding onto his shoulders, she clumsily took them back off.

“Hey Ethan, find anything good?” The smile on her face felt forced but she was praying he wouldn’t see it.

He proudly holds up a black, studded belt with an intricate design on it, as well as a pink suede jacket. “How about you? I think I saw some nice trousers over there that might suit you. Wanna check it out?”

Y/n scoffed. She didn’t want to let her mood out on Ethan, trying her hardest to stay diplomatic. “Love the idea, but I doubt any of the clothes in here would go over my thigh. They’d fit you guys just great though. The jacket looks good, by the way.” She tried to distract herself from - well, everything - by putting the shoes away, mindlessly letting her fingers wander over the other pairs standing there.

Ethan looked at her in contemplation for a moment, but seemed to decide against following his train of thought. “At least try on some more shoes. Here, what about these?” He excitedly grabbed a pair of high-heeled boots, very much in the style she could see any of them wearing on stage - much less the one she usually went for when working.

A little intimidated, she took the shoes, if only to humour him. Ethan was nothing but a sweetheart, this was the least she could do. She put them on only with some slight struggle. She once again reached his height, almost amused by the feeling of seeing eye-to-eye with him, but the shoes felt strange. Very far removed from the usual flats, sneakers, boots, or whatever other pair that would allow her to keep running around all day without regretting it in the evening.

“Do I look silly?” 

“You look gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.” His voice had the most earnest tone to it and it was only supported by the way he studied her, looking her up and down. “Maybe walk a few steps to see if you can get used to it.”

She laughed as she proceeded to strut and partially dance some steps down the aisle to the song playing in the store. “I haven’t worn heels in so long, still got it though!”.” Her small smile grew into a grin, rather proud of herself for still being able to keep up. Going to the mirror near Ethan she looked at the shoes, then at herself in the shoes, then back at Ethan. Still, the insecurity took over for a moment. Her voice seemed small when she asked, “You think so?” 

“I wouldn’t lie to you like that,” he replied, putting a hand over his heart for emphasis. “Want to go and see what the others think? I saw Thomas over there, and Vic and Dami disappeared into that corner a while ago.”

“Right, good idea.” She walked over to the dressing room looking for Damiano and Victoria, figuring they had gone to try on some things. Well, she was mainly looking for Victoria, still uncomfortable at the thought of facing the singer. She was in the middle of calling out for them when Damiano’s voice seeped through the curtain instead. She didn’t mean to listen, only to wait for him to stop so she could interrupt, but the second she realised what he was saying she wished she had never come over.

“Hell, she wakes me up every morning! I can’t escape. She is everywhere I go! I turn a corner and she is there. She's the one we go to when wanting to eat, she arranges the cars, she helps us with concerts, she’s doing everything all the time. I don’t know how much more I can take!”

She stepped back. Frozen in place. Her heart was beating out of her chest, hurting, aching, breaking just that little bit. Processing what he had said seemed to happen not at all and then suddenly all at once. She couldn’t breathe. She needed air. Anything but this suffocation. She needed to leave.

“I need some air.”

The words came out of her mouth much louder than anticipated, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care that people were looking at her now. She didn’t care that was still wearing a pair of shoes that she had definitely not paid for yet. She just needed out, out, out, and away from all this. From him.

She didn’t realise she was walking on cobblestone until she wasn’t anymore, her ankle giving way, arms desperately trying to keep her from falling as she stumbled.

***

Damiano and Victoria stopped in their tracks as they heard someone approach from outside of the dressing room. Both heads turned towards the sound, when Y/n’s voice came through, telling maybe no one in particular that she needed some air. Her voice sounded strange. Damiano was convinced he had never heard that particular tone in it. As he threw back the curtain, he saw her stumble outside, clearly hectic, and he could feel a surge of panic run through him. Something wasn't right here. He forgot all about the conversation he was having, all about Victoria, and made his way outside. Not quite running, but the worry had him out of the door quickly. His heart sank when he saw her, lying on the floor just outside of the shop, holding her arm awkwardly, some scratches already beginning to bleed a little. As she looked up at him, he could see tears pricking at her eyes.

"Fuck, are you okay? What happened? I just saw-" The look on her face - or rather, the way she turned away from him - shut him up instantly. This wasn't the time to bombard her with questions. It didn't matter anyway. Instead of bothering her further, he quickly knelt down beside her, helping her sit up in return. He was acutely aware of the way she pulled away the second he touched her skin. Like she had been burned. ´

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Sorry to ruin the shopping trip, you can go back in if you want to," she mumbled, trying to wipe some tears away but instead spreading some dirt and drying blood onto her cheek instead. Damiano wanted to touch her, clean her up, dry her tears, but the way she had pulled away a minute ago made him not want to try. The last thing he wanted to do was overwhelm her more. He watched as she pulled out her wallet, handing it to him. "Go pay for the shoes please. And stop looking at me like that, I said I’m fine."

Yet, as soon as she moved, she winced in pain, taking a deep breath before getting herself up to a standing position. He found himself holding her arm in support, but she only accepted it for as long as necessary. As he let go, she let out a small cry of pain, obviously holding her hurt wrist the wrong way.

“You’re obviously not fine,” Damiano sighed. He desperately wanted to reach out to her, but she was already in tears, turning away, and it simply didn’t seem like a sensible option. He looked around at the others as they gathered around Y/n. Only Thomas was missing, probably still blissfully unaware inside the shop and browsing for clothes. He tossed the wallet to Ethan. “Would you mind paying for her shoes real quick?” Ethan nodded, walking back into the store. Y/n was still standing between them, holding her arm close to her body in a protective gesture. Almost a similar expression to the one she had had on her face on the plane all those days ago. He wondered if something was scaring her the way the turbulence did back then. 

“I am and will be fine, Damiano.” Her voice was stern. “I cry at a lot of things, this is no different. I wrap it up, put ice on it for a while and I’m golden.” 

He watched as Victoria put a tentative hand on Y/n’s shoulder. She didn’t pull away from her touch, he noticed. “Y/n, that really doesn’t look like nothing. Look, it’s starting to swell up already.” 

"What do you want me to do then?" She almost sounded resigned now as she looked back and forth between Damiano and Victoria. "We are in Amsterdam. I don't exactly have a GP on speed dial here. Now, where is Ethan with my wallet?"

She started walking towards the door of the shop, but Damiano defiantly held out his arm to stop her. "We are taking you to A&E."

Her face seemed to drain of all colour, and this time it was not because of the pain. "You are not taking me to a hospital."

Damiano looked at her, determination in his eyes, trying to make her understand that this was non-negotiable. Just for now,  he would forget about the way she was brushing him off, the way she was evading his touch, the way she did not even want to look at him. Because right now she needed him and he would be there for her, if she wanted him to be or not.

"Yes, I am. Final decision. You would do the same for us if we got hurt. But we're responsible for you too, you're part of our crew, and right now, being responsible means getting this checked out. Besides, you're not getting your wallet back until you agree."

As soon as Ethan stepped outside again, this time with a slightly confused-looking Thomas in tow, Damiano snatched the wallet from his hands only to put it in his own jeans pocket. She was mad, obviously turning whatever was bothering her into anger, but Damiano was having none of it and he hoped the look in his eyes told her so.

"Fine! Take me to the hospital. But know that I am not happy about this."

"I don't need you to be. I just need you to come with me."

***

A quick refresher of her rudimentary Dutch verified that she was indeed looking for "spoedeisende hulp", another search on the internet confirmed that there was a hospital nearby, and before she knew it, she had been whisked into a taxi with Damiano. The others had decided to make their way back to the hotel, no point in clogging up the waiting room. Damiano promised to call with any news immediately.

Y/n wouldn't tell him, certainly not right then and there but she was happy that Damiano seemed to take the lead for once. She wouldn't have had any problems had any of the others needed medical help - but having people fuss about her? Making her the center of attention in a way she did not intend to be and having to accept help from others?... It was a completely different story. Still she appreciated the way he handled the situation, making sure she got registered with the administration straight away, listening attentively for further instructions, and leading her into the waiting area. She was also glad that it seemed to be quiet, not only because it would result in less of a wait, but also because the bustling would have made her all the more nervous.

This was out of her comfort zone. She had managed to avoid hospitals for the majority of her life, and yet here she was, because she panicked and couldn't handle her shoes. Looking down at them, she wanted to curse them. Curse the fact that they made her walk over to Damiano and Victoria in the first place, curse the fact that she had heard Damiano speak about her that way, curse the fact that they carried her out the door but not much further. She didn't even know where her actual shoes were. Hopefully, Ethan had kept his head and collected them on the way out after paying.

A few seats down, someone coughed loudly, reminding her exactly of where she was. It wasn't the worst hospital she had ever been in, that much was true, but she would rather not see one from the inside at all. She was dying for some comfort, some soothing words, a gentle touch, but as soon as Damiano made any attempt at reaching out to her she pulled back. His words were still heavily playing on her mind, the swelling of her wrist and the heat that seemed to seep from it a painful reminder. There was no way she was going to let herself fall, be reassured and consoled by him when he was so obviously sick of her presence. She wouldn't do that to either of them. Victoria with all her good intentions be damned. At least right now. 

“Why are they not calling you in, it doesn’t even look like they’re doing anything,” Damiano grumbled next to her, eyes on the nurse’s station where a few of them were sitting. A few eyes were on them, something that looked like an excited discussion.

“Stop it, I’m sure they’re busy at work. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean they aren’t”, she bit back, slightly harsher than intended. He shot her a look, eyebrows raised, but she turned away, not looking to have a deeper conversation.

It left Damiano sitting in silence. Leaving both of them in the same situation, again. Y/n and him alone. Well, alone enough. Alone enough to not have anyone distract her from the uncomfortable feeling that settled over them. No Thomas being silly, no Victoria making a dumb comment, no calming presence of Ethan. Through this whole process, Y/n had basically crawled back into herself. She wished she could disappear.

She didn't know how much time had passed when they were finally called, too preoccupied with her own thoughts and the pain in her wrist. The nurse that beckoned them over had the warmest smile on her face, albeit tired eyes and it surprised Y/n how much comfort she found in the soft expression of the woman. White slacks, rolled up sleeves, pockets so full it looked like they were bursting at the seams, dark hair up in a bun. She found herself looking over at Damiano, wondering if he was aware of how gorgeous this woman was, how kind and calming her aura was, but his eyes were trained solely on her. She didn't allow herself to get lost in his gaze, quickly dropping hers and following the nurse into an examination room.

“Hi, I’m Ana, I’m going to be your nurse for today. You only speak English, am I correct?” She asked, gesturing for both of them to sit down, Y/n on the examination table and Damiano on a chair next to it. There was a slight twinge of an accent in her speech, but it was clear that she was fluent, which was a relief. Y/n didn’t even want to think about trying to get this done with the few words she knew in Dutch. She nodded, gratefully. “We’re going to go over what happened, and then I’ll do a physical examination, and the doctor will see you after as well.”

Y/n watched as the nurse fumbled with the computer, seemingly already typing things before Y/n had even said anything. “So, what exactly happened?”

“I, uh, tried on some heels and tripped on the cobblestone outside,” Y/n explained, taking a moment to glare at the offending shoes still on her feet. “Fell forwards, tried to soften the blow with my hands and now my wrist looks like this.” She held up the offending arm, gathering that the sight would speak for itself. The dried blood of the little scrapes on the palms of her hand did its best to make it look more dramatic than it felt.

“Oh, yeah that looks quite painful,” the nurse winced. “I see you’ve scraped your knee as well.”

Y/n looked down, slightly confused, only to realise her jeans had torn, revealing a beat-up knee underneath. Crap, she hadn’t even noticed, too occupied with… well, everything else. This felt like it was getting worse by the second, she never wanted to get back to a hotel room this badly. She felt like crying, but letting Damiano see her composure waver was the last thing she would allow.

“It’s nothing,” she sighed, moving her legs as if it gave her a chance of hiding her bruises.

“It’s not nothing, Y/n,” Damiano sighed next to her, before turning towards the nurse. “I think it’s more serious than she’s letting on.” In the same determined tone from before. 

The nurse looked back and forth between the two of them. “It’s probably the shock of it.”

Oh yeah, the shock. Mainly that of finding out that Damiano didn’t want her around, apparently.

The nurse asked a few more questions, time of the accident, previous medical history, medication she was taking regularly, but they barely reached her. She found herself answering curtly, with Damiano filling in where he could. She wouldn’t tell him she was thankful for it. Even though the idea of him taking care of her made her emotional. 

“Right, let’s get that wrist looked at then.” Y/n had feared it would be painful but as soon as the nurse started handling her? She knew it was her job to feel the joints, test her range of motion, move her arm. But unwelcome tears emerged in the corners of her eyes. She didn’t have the energy to push Damiano’s hand away, as she almost reveled in the comforting touch on her back. The small talk didn’t even begin to make for a distraction. Yet, something was nagging at the back of Y/n’s head as she watched the nurse interact with Damiano. There was a familiarity in her eyes… Did she know who he was? Surely not.

“This will need an X-Ray to make sure it’s not broken,” the nurse concluded, finally letting go of her wrist. Damiano whispered a quiet ‘You okay?’ over to her, but she couldn’t do anything but nod. “I will bandage the scrapes a bit while we wait for a doctor. So, what brings you to Amsterdam today?”

“Work,” Y/n answered, trying to keep some degree of privacy, but Damiano didn’t seem to mind butting in immediately.

“I’m in a band, we’re on tour. She’s our assistant and overall angel.” She wanted to shoot him a look, both at the unnecessary honesty and the over-the-top way he was describing her, but a touch to her banged-up knee distracted her.

A doctor popped into the room quickly verified everything the nurse had told him And before she knew it she was being led down a hallway to get an X-Ray. Damiano stayed behind in the room.

“Cute couple, the two of you,” the nurse piped up next to her.

“Um, yeah, no. Not a couple. Just a working relationship.”

“You sure about that?”

Y/n almost wanted to stop dead in her tracks, ask the nurse what on earth had given her that idea, but she also knew she was here to get examined and the last thing she wanted to do was annoy the person responsible.

“Very. He doesn’t like me like that, he’s made that crystal clear.”

“Well, he certainly doesn’t look like you in a way that suggests he doesn’t like you. If anything, I would have guessed he was head-over-heels for you.”

Y/n was stumped for a reply. Was this woman making fun of her? She didn’t look like someone who would. So why would she say these things? With a deep sigh and a heavy heart, Y/n decided she would have to talk to Damiano at some point. Have him either stand by his statement and back off, or explain what the hell he was doing. Because she was starting to lack comprehension about any of it.

She was glad the rest of the appointment seemed to fly by in a hurry, or maybe Y/n’s brain had simply gone into power-saving mode, not really taking it what as happening around her anymore. Her exhaustion was tangible. The X-Ray was done quickly enough, someone sent her back to the  examination room, and before she knew it, the doctor had announced that it was, in fact, not broken. A quick wrap around her wrist, some instructions on how to care for it (that Damiano seemed to listen to more closely than she did), and she was almost out the door. She was sure she would have fallen asleep on the examination table.  It was only the nurse quickly saying her goodbye and adding another comment that almost threw her off balance again.

“Bye, guys. And by the way, nice show yesterday. I promise I wasn’t the one who threw the bra.”

***

It was dark out by the time Y/n and Damiano made it back to the hotel. He had made sure to text the others, telling them to go for dinner without them, they’d be fine, and he figured she would need some rest. The hotel restaurant was quiet enough and he motioned towards it, but Y/n shook her head.

“I’ve got a few snacks in my room, but honestly, I’m not hungry at all. I just want to go to bed.”

Yet, tired as she was, it only took one pointed look for her to shut him up, so he simply nodded and led her towards the elevators.

“At least let me bring you to your room and see if you need any more help. And I can give you your wallet back.”

He could tell in the way she stiffened next to him, the way she barely reacted to his words, that she wasn’t keen on the idea, but he wouldn’t let her get away with it. He was desperate to find out what was bothering her and why she was so distant, but he couldn’t figure it out. Was the kiss still playing on her mind? Was she uncomfortable with him? It was the last thing he wanted. He needed to show her he was willing to be there for her.

Closing the door of her room behind him, a shout rang through the room.

“These fucking things, I hate them!” She was loud and angry while trying to get her shoes off, but her voice was wavering and if he watched her in just the right light he was convinced he was seeing the beginning of tears forming in her eyes.

“Shh, shh, it’s fine,” he tried to soothe, unsure if he was going about it the wrong way, but quickly bending in front of where she was sitting on the bed. She kicked her heels once more in frustration, obviously unable to get them off with her wrist still compromised.

“Don’t shush me when it’s all your fault,” she whispered and he almost stopped dead in his tracks, but he figured she hadn’t meant for him to hear. He stayed quiet, against everything in his heart telling him to find out what she was talking about. Instead, he focused on removing her shoes, gentle touches against her bare skin. Looking up at her, he realised that she was studying him, watching his every move, and he concentrated even harder on being the perfect gentleman. Yet, when he pulled the second shoe off her, he couldn’t help letting his hand rest on her calf a little longer than necessary.

“Come on, let’s get you into some pyjamas,” he decided, getting up and putting some distance between them. Too afraid of getting ahead of himself, of letting his hands wander more than appropriate places, of saying something he shouldn’t. He threw what he gathered to be her sleepwear in her general directions. “If you need any help changing because of your wrist, let me know.”

He hoped his smile was as sincere as he meant it. Either way, she didn’t give him much of a reaction, grabbing the clothes and disappearing into the bathroom. A few sharp hisses reached him through the door, but he knew better than to offer his help again.

He wasn’t sure what the acceptable place for him to sit was, but since the room didn’t offer anything but a worn-out armchair and the bed, he decided that choosing the far side of the mattress wasn’t too bad. He didn’t even realise she had left the en-suite until her voice reached him.

“We really need to talk, Damiano.” She sounded resigned and tired and he wished he could wrap her in his arms and tell her everything was alright, but it didn’t seem like the right time. As soon as she reached the side of the bed opposite him, she all but collapsed on it. She sleepily grabbed one of the many unnecessary hotel pillows they placed on the bed and nuzzled her face into it. 

“There will be more than enough time for that tomorrow,” he replied, grabbing the blanket and making sure she was fully covered by it. “It’s been a long day, try to get some rest.” 

She didn’t even manage to argue anymore, eyes already fluttering closed, breathing slowly becoming more steady. She was gorgeous like this. A soft calm overtaking the scene. No wall up that kept everyone else from her inner thoughts. No front that she put up in desperate attempts to remain professional. Just a softness etched into her features that highlighted her natural divine beauty.

He wanted to take her worries away. He hoped that whenever they did get to talk tomorrow, it would yield some clarity. The last thing he wanted was for her to ever feel this way. He had grown so attached to her, so obsessed with the idea of having her around, that he already feared the end of the tour. If she would give him any option to stay in her life, he would take it, whatever way it was.

Damiano barely noticed the way he was slipping down on the mattress, his fingers softly patting her head, eyelids getting heavy. The last thing on his mind was Y/n, sleeping soundly next to him and wishing for nothing but to make her happy.

***

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[sealbatross]

I ended up loving this version more, so of course its time to break down Emotions-Why in “Great Comet Original Cast Recording”™.

Disclaimer: POV of someone who has A. read the book, B. listened to the Broadway version, C. knows nothing about music, and D. is attracted to SAD.

So, uh. Long unwarranted appreciation ramble post below :’)

Prologue ----- I love Dave's voice for Pierre. It's so distinctive - more despicable (for lack of a better word) than classically noble which I find very endearing. And it makes him stand out more… (I'm dumb and only realized Pierre sang the first couple of lines after listening to this version).

Pierre -----

"I used to be better..." *CLICK* "HUUUHHHHHHHHHNNNN OHHHHHHHH PIERRE"

I love the clicking noise here so much. Like the cocking of a gun.

Moscow ----- Marya is less… dramatic (which is hilarious on the Broadway version), but having slightly less of an exaggeration helps her feel more human.

(Ok but I do love “while I Ḵ̵̘̫̋͂̅̎̃̒͛̃N̸̛̫̼͕̣͔̜̥̹̔͛̉̒̏̒̍̄̀͛̒̆̈́̍İ̵̢̧͔̩̦̯̥̉̎̐T̷̩̫̟̗̤͆̈́͊̾̔” from Broadway)

The Private and Intimate Life of the House ----- Prince Bolkonsky saying his friends are all dead hits hard. This makes the estrangement between Mary and the Prince tragic from both sides. It also further validates Mary's disgust at herself for wishing harm upon her father.

“my money, my house” - this is all that the old Prince has left from the life he's lived - “I’ll spend it how I want” he says angrily... And then the sudden turn to panic from forgetfulness and failing body. It’s easier to see where he’s coming from, and very reflective of the consequences of aging. This is played for some laughs on Broadway instead (very good chuckles mind you).

Natasha and the Bolkonskys ----- Natasha is more unsure... like she's trying to gather courage by saying

"I know they’ll like me Everyone has always liked me"

, and consequently, she is more sympathetic. Broadway Natasha is very peppy and seems to absolutely believe in “I know they’ll like me” - which makes the impending rejection humorous and more consequent.

Broadway Natasha, in contrast to Mary’s timid salutation says “Hello” happily and confidently, which gives Mary something that she can respond to with dislike (in the context of listening only to the album, no visual on appearance etc.). Meanwhile, in the Original, Mary and Natasha both have timid “hello”s and seem to be on the same page (until the inner monologue GOES OFF (the twist is wonderful in both)). This makes Original Natasha’s situation seem more tragic - Original Natasha did nothing (personality-wise) to trigger Mary's rebuke. It just happened as a consequence of their positions in life.

Original Prince Bolkonsky was more clever with his mocking of Natasha. In a way that stings poisonous due to the uncertainty, treating her like a child, mocking her intelligence in understanding his intention of offence:

“Excuse me my costume, this dressing gown— I did not know, my poor. girl.”

No one else ----- Original cast of this song holds more weight because of Natasha’s temperament (again). Broadway Natasha gets over the slight with the Bolkonskys quickly - she's already smiling one line into "No One Else" right after she supposedly burst into tears. Making this song seem a turn of mind from one subject to another rather than a consequence of the previous event.

In the Original casting, however, Natasha remained much softer and more sombre until she described in detail what she loves about Andrei - (childlike eyes etc.) like being cheered by a friend’s imagined presence... like when you’re having a horrible social interaction when waiting for a good friend - and the friend finally shows up.

The Ball ----- Bway Natasha seems very happy when she sings “I will love you Anatole” (which always hurts regardless) but the Original Natasha doesn’t seem too happy singing this - as if this is going against her will… like it’s her funeral... You’ve probably noticed a pattern - Natasha being sadder / not always smiley and peppy allows me to sympathize better with her. The more sympathy the more personally emotional her downfall = tear time.

The Duel ----- Original Pierre sounds like he really means to pour everything into his mouth. You can hear the depravity.

Pierre and Andrei ----- Original Andrei’s gentle and even tone matches the not-dwelling-on-it-too-much of book Andrei (from what I can remember). Then “coldly, maliciously” comes after like a twist. And the whole mood of the scene shifts in a neat way. That being said Broadway Andrei has wonderfully conflicted emotion in his voice that is just👌

Pierre and Natasha ----- The Original has a faster tempo and is thus happier. Less dramatized. Like a normal meeting between two people, not a finale pour-your-emotions-out moment. Yellow. Sunny. Mid-afternoon through the windows. Softer. Smiling Pierre thinking it ridiculous that Natasha would think her life over.

Meanwhile Broadway - an immediate feeling of blue and moonlight, and cold. The echo in Pierre’s voice. Pierre is very emotional, much fear, much sad. Lots of trembling and emphasis. ~did you love that BAD MAN~~ ~~ DON'T CALL HIM BAD~~~ mmmm that's good. Oh, the pacing is so good.

Anyways.

I love the Original cast Pierre's speech. It isn't so classically (I've been using this word a lot) emotional. It's… sheepish. And hits differently.

P.S. The style of this musical makes so much sense after reading the book. It's got this matching humour acknowledging the little defections of people, and how emotion and chance and misunderstanding drives our lives.

Shoutout to the music too, it bends to support the emotion of the story. If it's dissonant it's because it's portraying a conflict in these people. If there’s a boss fight, then there is boss fight music.

Also, Broadway is…. Well, better for Broadway, it's more dramatic and with a lot more funny moments. It also has a clearer and cleaner portrayal of the characters which is great for first-time viewers and group party watching. The Original is more nuanced/not as clear and good for the crying-at-home-alone experience. And I know which of these I am.

Congrats on making it all the way down here, I'd love to hear any of your thoughts!