#shouldn't be so indecisive. i am fine

[outlying-hyppocrate]

identity crisis

[sweetvoidstuff]

Share your pain II Cha Hyun Su x Reader

Cha Hyun Su x Reader

Summary: Amidst tears and a revelation of homesickness, Hyun Su offers comfort, leading to an unexpected, comforting connection between you two in the post-apocalyptic world.

the first part, kinda ~~~~~ the next part, kinda

Masterlist

~~~~~

At the quiet corner of the shelter, Hyun Su sat with Pyeon Sang-Wook and Mister An, sharing a meal and exchanging light banter about their scars. While Mister An regaled them with tales of his past, the atmosphere turned somewhat lively until you walked past, a cloud of distress hanging over you. Tears welled in your eyes, making it evident that something heavy weighed on your shoulders. Without the usual exchange of greetings or even a nod in Hyun Su's direction, you hurriedly made your way past them to an empty corner on the first floor.

Concern etched on his face, Hyun Su watched you go, his meal forgotten. Mister An, observing the situation, turned to Hyun Su and said, "Whatever you did wrong, fix it. Apologize. It's easier that way." Hyun Su, genuinely puzzled, mumbled, "I don't even know if I did anything."

Mister An sighed, making himself clear. "Well, figure it out. Your task is to help her this time." Hyun Su hesitated, unsure if intruding on your space was the right course of action. Mister An, not one to tolerate indecision, forced him to "be a man and help his lady."

As Hyun Su got up, a heavy blush on his cheeks, and began searching for you, he tried to think about what he would say. However, all his prepared words vanished when he found you quietly sobbing in one of the mostly unused rooms. Frozen in the doorway, he watched the tears fall, his heart breaking at the sight. You were normally so independent, strong, and reliable; seeing you so small and broken hurt him more than he realized.

Unable to say anything, it was you who broke the silence first. Sniffling and attempting to cover your tears, you mustered the courage to speak, though your voice wavered. "If it's not something important, just leave me alone, please."

Hyun Su, genuine concern etched on his face, took a few careful steps toward you. "Is everything okay? Are you hurt?" he asked, reaching out to comfort you.

Your response was sharp, your emotions spilling over. "Does it look like everything is fine? It's perfect!" The frustration and sadness in your voice struck Hyun Su deeply, and he felt a pang of guilt, realizing that he needed to find a way to make things right, even if he didn't understand what had gone wrong in the first place.

"I'm sorry," were his unsure words, bowing deep and hoping he could fix whatever he did. He knew he shouldn't have relied on you so heavily. You came to his aid every time he needed you. You must hate him for it, you must resent helping him. Those were his thoughts, but as you watched him puzzled and annoyed, he looked at you puzzled as well. Trying to find the right words, he expressed, "I don't know what I did, but I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry!"

Instead of accepting his apology, you looked downright angry now. With a growl that made him look between a mix of fear and confusion at you, you said, fighting the tears out of your voice but failing miserably, "It's not you, you dummy! You didn't do anything! I'm… fuck… I just… I miss home."

Angryly, wiping your tears away but failing, Hyun Su relieved he wasn't to reason for your distress asked quietly. „Home?“ Your anger turning into raw saddnes. Your voice a mere whisper „Yes, home“ looking at your knees that you had pressed before you, you took some deep breaths. While Hyun Su took the liberty to come even closer to you. It didnt feel right to stand over you while you cried so he sat himself next to you. Waiting for you to continue. Laying your head on your knees you looked at him debating what to say, you continued, "I am not from Seoul. Hell, I am not even from Korea. I came here to study for a while and then go back to my annoying-as-heck family, telling them about all the amazing food I had, all the friends I made," chuckling entertaining your own thoughts and studing Hyun Su's face, "describing the boy I fell in love with. Something like that. I shouldn't be here all alone, fighting, surviving a human turning into a monster end of the world scenario. I will never see them again." During the end of your speach your voice got softer. Closing your eyes, letting the sadness wash over you.

Hyun Su was at a loss for words. You were right and also so very wrong. He couldn’t entirely empathize with you. He had already lost his family. But was this worse than not knowing if they turned into a monster or if they were still alive. Not sure if this was the right thing to say or do, Hyun Su held his hand out to you. "You are wrong!"

"You think I can make it to the airport, hop into a plane, and get home?" you asked sarcastically, looking at his hand confused.

Hyun Su wiggled his hand, and a blush appeared on his face. He hadn't thought making you grip his hand would be so nerve-racking. It looked easier if you did it. After a moment of hesitation, looking between his hand and his eyes, you let go of your knees and took his hand. Looking straight ahead now because he couldn't look at you anymore out of fear of blushing too much, he quietly said, "That maybe not, but you aren't alone. I am also here."

A sob ran through your body, a whimper escaping you while a new wave of tears shook you. Hyun Su was shocked and started to panic. He wanted to make you feel better, not worse. He jumbled over his words, not knowing now what to say to make you stop crying. But soon your soft whispers reached his ear while you gripped his hand tightly. "Thank you."

Hyun Su sat beside you, still holding your hand, his gaze focused on the floor. The weight of your sorrow hung in the air, and he struggled to find the right words to offer you comfort. As your tears continued to fall, he hesitated, unsure of how to navigate the delicate balance between consoling you and respecting your pain.

Finally, after a moment of silent contemplation, Hyun Su spoke softly, "I may not fully understand what you're going through, but you're not alone in this."

Your grip on his hand tightened, appreciating the sincerity in his voice. The shelter, once filled with the distant sounds of survivors and occasional conversations, now held a quiet intimacy between the two of you. Hyun Su continued, "You're stronger than you think. And even though it might not replace what you've lost, I'm not going anywhere."

The warmth of his words began to thaw the icy grip of sadness that had taken hold of you. You glanced at him, eyes still misty but a glimmer of gratitude shining through. "Thank you, Hyun Su," you whispered, your voice carrying a mix of vulnerability and strength.

He offered a gentle smile, "No need to thank me" Hyun Su's thumb traced soothing circles on the back of your hand, a silent reassurance that he was there for you.

As the quiet moments unfolded, Hyun Su's presence became a source of solace. The weight on your shoulders seemed a bit lighter,as you laid your head on his, knowing that you weren't navigating this challenging journey alone.

After a while, Hyun Su spoke again, "So what Korean food is your favorie till now?"

A soft smile gracing your lips. The two of you sat there, hand in hand, finding solace telling Hyun Su about the nice Tteokbokki shop you had been to. The world outside the shelter may have been fraught with uncertainty, but in that moment, you took refuge in the connection you had forged with Hyun Su.

As time passed, the tears subsided, leaving a sense of calm in their wake. The atmosphere in the room shifted from one of sorrow to one of quiet companionship. Together, you faced the challenges of the post-apocalyptic world, drawing strength from the unexpected bond that had formed in the midst of hardship.

[astrologylunadream]

Someone Wants To Comfort You Right Now📱🌪🖤 (Pick a card/Tarot reading)

Hello, this is Lunadream✨ This reading is meant to turn your sadness⛈ into sunshine🌤! Hopefully it works, we will find who is reaching out to comfort you and why~♡ hope you find your message📬🖤

Notice: Only take what resonates because the most important thing is your own judgement!♡ If anything doesn't resonate, don't worry! It's not your message right now <3 (Entertainment purpose only. All rights reserved)

Now, shall we begin~? ^w^ Think deeply how you feel right now, and pick whichever pile that fits the energy you're feeling~✨

Pile 1🧤

Pile 2🦋

Pile 3☯

Pile 4💀

Take your time and choose carefully with the heart~♡

On to the readings —> ☆✨🖤

Pile 1🧤

Sign energy: Indecision, Violence, Impact, Chemistry, South node, Virgo, Pisces, Jupiter, 8th house, Vertex, 🔪🩱��🤒

🌧Your energy: Aww you guys I just want to give this pile a big hug🖤 You have been through a LOT in the past, and now you don't even know what to think of it. Some of you are Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius and Scorpio. You have been hurt by others before, I am specifically called to say Virgo. Now this could be 6th house placements as well but you have been in some painful situations in the past, I'm so sorry but if you have been subjected to violence this is definitely your pile. You may have had huge intense feelings for those who only made you suffer, and used you for their own benefits. You could have been involved in a news article or have been associated with someone who made an impact on the news (I feel called to say someone being arrested, or violating the law). You may have a comfort stuffed animal, or have a comfort playlist. You have been hurt from close connections and experiences with intimacy. You may fear fate and feel like you are destined to be hurt (that is NOT true😰), I feel like this pile tends to tolerate a lot even if they shouldn't, you say you're fine when you are not fine😭 My pile 1's need to heal and be happy because you have dealt with sucking it up for too long.

🖤Who wants to comfort you: Vent, Event, Book, Seen, Eyebrows, 6th house, Pisces, Aries, Water, 12th house, 🤚🩹💙👸 Omg this may be someone who sees you often or at a regular spot, you may be unaware of them or not know much about them. Virgo, Pisces and Aries energy is coming through. This is a very mysterious person, they really want to hear you vent and let it all out. This could be your therapist, someone you have booked a session with or a scheduled a venting event (a vent event lmao what am I saying) this is someone who may have raised an eyebrow about your situation, they could be very nosy about your current state but only because they are worried about you. This is a spiritual and devine encounter for them to reach out to you, they want to send you love and healing.💌 I am called to say they wanna tell you "you are a queen, keep going and don't let anyone stop you from healing"👑 lmao, well they are right. This is a very spiritual individual, I'm getting that they read books a lot. They wish you would tell someone trustworthy how you are feeling, and what you have been through. This person wishes they could bandage your emotional wounds and help you up onto a pedestal of protection and strength. My god this is a really sweet person.🥺🖤

📬Messages from them: You and them, I wish you felt the same, I want to take your pain away, Ugh, I want to make you happy, I've seen other people, You have this look in your eyes, I can't believe it (😢💙💙) Extra cards: Previous, Finger, Order, Angel, Sweet, Neptune, Taurus, 9th house, 10th house, Scorpio (This could be a guardian angel for some of you♡⭐)

Thank you my pile 1's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 1 with the gloves emoji~🧤 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Pile 2🦋

Sign energy: Father, Compulsive, Yellow, Fox, Passion, South node, Pluto, 5th house, 7th house, Air, 🕳🧠♑🔪

🌧Your energy: Alright my lovely pile 2's your situation is complex rn, I definitely see some you guys falling back into repeated cycles. Scorpio/Leo/Libra/Taurus placements, Pluto in the 5th house for some of you. Capricorn is coming out but I feeling a strong energy of hating Capricorn or those traits. If you like the color yellow this could be a confirmation💛 Some of you may have issues with authority or tend to rival those with power or control. Now this pile may have had a father (or more dominant parent) that you hate/don't get along with well. You have a mind of your own and you hate getting manipulated with it. You have experienced people in positions of power being very conniving and selfish, and you wish to have power over these people in order to protect yourself. My pile 2's have a very negative outlook on those that tell others what to do, but this is for a good reason. You don't want to support those who have power over you and others and especially choose to do bad things with it. In the past you may have felt very imbalanced or unfair, could be through your childhood. You often feel powerless or fall into the same connections and mind games, and omg you just wanna cut ties!!😫🔪✂️

🖤Who wants to comfort you: Position, Accident, Compliment, Far away, Late, South node, 9th house, Cancer, Juno, 5th house, ⛓🏝😔✔ Hmmm okay over all this is a very caring energy like you guys someone does really care for you rn💙 They may not be near you physically but they are comforting you the best they can. They want to protect and keep you safe especially from an emotional standpoint, this is a message for only some in this pile but I'm called to say that if you have been dating around or having casual meetings and not wanting to be in a committed romantic relationship, this person is telling you that you are at a point where you need to find a potential committed partner that will keep you safe because they are saying you may not find another chance.🥺♡ Now for some others in this pile this is someone you are refusing to commit to, and have been holding it off for a long time. A romantic connection is possible. You feel distant to this person whatever the case, as if you are on a deserted island far away. This person feels the need to find you my pile 2's, they also wish they could tell you how great you've done and how much you have learned.🤗 They hope you will be free from your mental chains and heal somewhere it is safe. This could be someone from college/university or an educator, they are very well cultured I'm hearing. Could have been an accidental meeting, this is someone from your past.

📬Messages from them: Have you heard of me? Imagine us together, Look at me, Your emotions are to intense, I knew you would feel this way, You might get hurt, You look to good to be sad, I feel so left out, (omg😭) Extra cards: Dating, Fit, Chains, Beauty & the beast, 12th house, Libra, Cancer, Neptune, 3rd house

Thank you my pile 2's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 2 with the butterfly emoji~🦋 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Pile 3☯

Sign energy: Frozen, Chiron, Gossip, Soul connection, Over, Jupiter, Saturn, Air, Juno, Mars, 🎀🔜♏🧱

🌧Your energy: My pile 3's are thinking of someone right now🙈💗 I'm seeing some very cold energy though, some of you may have ended a relationship recently!! Something that hurt you greatly and now you will be healing to the fullest😩💙 This was most likely a romantic connection, and now you are putting your walls up from any kind of power dynamics, gossip, and mistreatment. I'm getting that for some of my pile 3's this was a Scorpio partner you chose to shut out. You are still stuck on that connection though, and I'm hearing you can't get over them (especially if you guys were intimate). You may have had a soulmate connection with someone but you have blocked yourself from having those types of connections because you don't want to make the same mistakes.😥😢 Sagittarius, Pisces, Capricorn, Scorpio and air placements. You may be the type to be really into pink adorable aesthetics, or love dressing up cute as a way to cope. You have been through a lot of rumors, others talking about you especially behind your back. But omg my pile 3's you are going through a transformation soon!!🦋 You will finally set yourself apart from things that don't serve you, and you will be strict on who you let in your life. This could happen really soon watch out for jupiter transiting in your chart especially the 8th house!!

🖤Who wants to comfort you: November, Mad, Purple, Sleep, Release, Gemini, South node, Earth, 2nd house, Lilith, 💼☯🍬🧳 Ahhh my pile 3's this is someone from your past, they are reaching out you at this very moment!! OMG this could be the romantic connection you releasee and disassociated with🤯😱😱 I'm getting that this person feels you are "sleeping" on the relationship, and it is "driving them mad" wow. But they want to comfort you right now, they want you to rest, and leave all of the bad energy and negativity you have experienced, to take care of yourself💓 This is someone who is willing to pay for pile 3's sorrows, they would buy whatever they could to make you happy again..🥺😖💙 Gemini and Taurus energy. I feel like this person is very guilty about something, especially the past. The month november could be significant or that is when they are coming to you, perhaps this connection was separated during the month. Now this person does not want things to get worse for you, they really think about you often. I'm getting that they see you as their other half, their dark/light side. I think they know they messed things up, but they want to let go of the past and they want you to focus on self care and relaxing, ridding yourself from bad vibes.😊💤💙

📬Messages from them: In your imagination, I feel bad, Thank you for everything, Tell me why you're sad, I don't want to break your heart, Take your time, I want to learn more about you, We're both lovers even if it's subconscious (My pile 3's your person wants you to feel comforted rn🥺😭) Extra cards: Optimist, Amusement park, Safe, Treat, Difference, North node, Earth, 4th house, Aquarius, Capricorn

Thank you my pile 3's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 3 with the yin & yang emoji~☯ Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Pile 4💀

Sign energy: My love, January, Maze, Restriction, Style, 2nd house, South node, Cancer, 7th house, 3rd house, 🩲🦀🧜‍♀️🧍‍♀️

🌧Your energy: I'm getting such siren vibes from this pile, like so magnetic and attractive.🖤 Very hot vibe for this pile haha~ Taurus, Cancer, Libra, and Gemini Gemini placements such feminine energy for you guys <3 Love has been on your mind recently, but I think you have tried to push away relationships a little or not allow yourself to fall into emotions with romantic connections. You are a very stylish and unique, from the way you dress to the people you're around. You love shopping and buying clothes and accessories~ you may flaunt your outfits in selfies🛍🕶🖤 I feel you attract romantic attention effortlessly from your style and the way you express yourself.😍 You don't let yourself have intense feelings because in the past you would get lost in them easily. You enjoy talking about things you like, but you never say what's really bothering you deep down.⛈ Emotions are difficult for you, especially repressing them. No one really sees what goes on under your cool exterior, but you have a soft side to you.💕

🖤Who wants to comfort you: Age, 2nd house, Distance, Choice, Secret admirer, Juno, Venus, Jupiter, Libra, 10th house, 🤷‍♀️📱💚😓 Omg omg this is someone you are not romantically involved with but they have a thing for my pile 4's for real🤯🖤🖤🖤 Ahh they could be older than you by a few years, but they are not someone you are familiar with. You may not know this person at all but they are a potential life partner for you guys it's crazy but this is someone very secretly attracted to you guys, they may have seen you from social media or somewhere online.🥰 This person actually wants to step up and comfort you!! The type to take all your baggage and worries and sweep you off your feet, give you everything you need I mean spoil you...😍💸🛍 My pile 4's this person wants to comfort you now even if you don't know each other yet they wanna be there for you. I'm hearing they want you to distance yourself from social media or using your phone to much, they want you to take breaks and do other things you like. This person hopes to send you love in some way and comfort you, l mean they are so sweet even with the distance between you guys that like doesn't bother them because they just want you to feel better.💓 Definitely someone you will see as marriage material, this is someone with lots of money so they can buy you whatever you want🙈💸💸💸🖤

📬Messages from them: Now is not the time, You shouldn't keep things to yourself, We're too different, Tell me what's been bothering you, Have you heard of me? Tell me the truth, Give it to me, Don't tell anyone (Omg just themmm😍😫🖤) Extra cards: Below, Union, Perfect, Release, Peace, 11th house, 4th house, Air, 2nd house, North node (Omg they see a family🏠 and marriage💍 with you they want to comfort you the second you guys meet it's so romantic they just wanna take good care of you...😭😭💞🖤)

Thank you my pile 4's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 4 with the skull emoji~💀 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Wanna see more readings like this? Check out my tumblr for accurate readings for you!💗🌊🌸

Thanks for reading! \(*^w^)/💌 -Lunadream <3

[shrenvents]

Haunting Fear of the Dead

Warnings: Angst, mentions of death, implied (small) age gap, survivors guilt etc

Pairing: Rick Grimes x reader

Summary: Negan’s aftermath served as the last straw to instill in you, the belief that nothing lasts forever.

Word count: 1k

...

The conversation rings in the back of my mind, and your face dominates my thoughts. That despairing, lost expression still makes me wonder whether I crossed the line.

Life is moving too fast, and the overwhelming concept of inevitable death, and her vivid memory haunt me.

The idea, that you may see her in my eyes...

Things fall apart, and I'll never be her.

I knew Lori for no more than a week before she died. And now I've known you for several years, yet she hasn't left my side. Has she left yours?

Your wife and I couldn't be more different.

A troubled, younger girl, who can't help how unloveable she feels. How vulnerable I am. How susceptible I am to doubt. Versus the mother of your child. Your woman before the fall.

How can I compare? How can you love me? After this tragedy and loss, how can I return your love?

Maybe these are all the things I should’ve conveyed, but the moments gone, and I’ll never get you back Rick.

…

"If ya sigh one more time girl, I'll smack you," Daryl intimidates passively, and I snap my obscure stare at him below my post. Then, looking at the world outside these metal walls, one last time, I turn to the ladder. "Call Rosita, I'm tired."

"Nuh-uh, if I'm here all night, so are ya," He challenges, catching my gaze. He holds it before scoffing in defeat, obviously feeling guilty, after viewing my sorrowful appearance.

As I pass him, he grips my forearm. "I know things are bad right now, but yer a survivor," he murmurs, full of pity. "And if ya ain't gonna believe in yerself, believe in Rick." He trails off, and I nod to make him loosen his grip, so I may walk away.

Things just blew over with the Saviours, now that Negan is behind bars. But regardless, death plagues my conscience. How can I think my happiness is important, or everlasting when my survival is just dumb luck?

Ending things with Rick rang so much truth to that.

Now lonely and isolated, I only have myself to blame. Since confusion and indecision left my bed empty, my head is full of profuse distress.

To this day, after weeks, I'm still unsure of what I was trying to achieve -what I was running from, and why was it him?

No, I know...

I feel it again, her looming behind me. Lori. Whispering stories of their pleasant life together before Walkers existed.

Her ghost regularly tells me how life would be different if it wasn't the end times. She remarks how Rick wouldn't look my way if I wasn't his only option.

My rapid imagination slows to silence when I pass his house. I picture Carl on his porch bouncing Judith to sleep, and misery brutally latches onto me, forcing me to remember what is lost.

'You left him when he needed you the most...' Lori breathes.

Tears prick my eyes, and I bite my bottom lip to reduce its trembling. Then, a call of my name drags me out of the dark, and I seek out its source.

"Rick?" I reply, swallowing my cry and straightening my back. Blinking frantically, I assess him as he marches towards me, seeing concern playing across his features.

'Good things aren't meant to last...'

"How are you?" I croak.

"Fine," he stammers slightly, "you?"

"I'm well," I lie pathetically, and even though he clearly doesn't believe me, he accepts my response nonetheless.

"Shouldn't you be patrolling the wall?" He questions hesitantly.

"Yeah, but Rosita offered to take over, to let me rest you know?" I murmur with a shrug like I'm asking him to confirm my lies. He nods again, seeming just as awkward. "Need me to walk you back?" Rick proposes, motioning his pointer in the direction of my place. "No," I utter flatly, far too fast. He gulps, unable to hide his dejected manner.

A beat later I wordlessly amble away, but he hollers my name again, and I freeze, whirling around, brows furrowing. "Can I walk you back?" He urges this time, and his dilated pupils hold such fervour and desperation, that I give in. "Okay," muttering, I look to the ground as he jogs to my side.

Walking closely together, we're uncomfortably quiet. I peer at him and see his eyes squeezed shut as he inhales, expanding his chest to its limit.

"Rick?" I mumble. His eyelids pop open, and he swivels his head to mine, brows raised.

"Why are you," exhaling, "forcing yourself to-" I cut myself short, and he grasps my meaning. "I'm not forcing myself to do anything," Rick rasps. "If anything, I'm forcing you, to be with me," he drops my befuddled stare. "I'm sorry," he grunts.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," I splutter as a wave of grief, racks through me. "I'm the one with problems," my meek voice gets choppy.

The pace of his legs falter. "Problems," he echoes, puffing a soundless laugh in disbelief. "Problems I want to hear," he more or less pleads. I faintly shake my head.

When I stagger, Rick stops moving completely, and captures my hand, yanking me squarely to him. I take in how alarmed his features appear and again, wish I was alone so I could cry.

"C'mon beautiful, talk to me," he begs, cupping my hand in both his palms, and when he utters my name of endearment, I finally break.

Liquid flows down my cheeks, and Rick, with his thumbs, hopelessly tries to sweep them aside. But the more his rough pads graze my skin, and he pulls me closer, adorning me with such affection, the more tears stream.

He wraps his sturdy arms around my smaller frame, tugging me tightly to his chest, and I collapse into him. He holds me upright when my knees buckle, and simply lets me cry.

"I broke up with you, why on Earth are you consoling me?" I sob, words escaping my mouth in messy bundles.

Sighing, "Because I love you," Rick's voice grows rocky, "and I hate to break it to you," he chokes up, "that isn't gonna change, just 'cause ya don't feel the same."

His statement makes a louder cry erupt. But, I struggle to muster the courage to dispel, the third lie told tonight.

Of course I love him.

"I'm here, always," he soothes, nuzzling his nose into the crook of my neck, and I feel water drip onto my nape.

As my arms encase his shaking body, Lori materializes behind me.

Reminding me, for the hundredth time:

I don't deserve Rick Grimes, and I never will.

[redflagshipwriter]

Reassembly 3

ch1 ch2

Masterpost

Peter pushed his bangs back for the billionth time. They immediately fell back in front of his eyes as he hunched over the library computer. He'd spent all day trying to get his bearings in this universe. Eventually, his stomach had gotten attention. Even with the stuff from the hotel buffet, he was so hungry it was distracting.

That had made him realize that what he needed most was money. He needed access to a steady stream of money. When he left here he could try to make the best decision possible about the little bit of cash he had, sure. But it wouldn't last long.

He had the spiteful fantasy of taking the money he needed from the LOA company that had been funding …whatever they'd done to him. An all-expenses paid kidnapping was only fair. 

But it was only a thought. Whoever they were, they were dangerous. He shouldn't provoke them or give them any clues about him. Whatever experiments they'd been doing with him must have been expensive. They probably wanted him back. He needed to know more before he risked getting their attention.

Instead, Peter started up a resume. He put his real name at the top and then stared at it in indecision. He swallowed. 

Was that a good idea? He… he didn't exist here, so it seemed fine. But maybe he should use a fake name? 

Peter strained to think of a reason to use a fake name now that he knew he didn't exist here. How could those people possibly know his name? He definitely hadn't told them. It was probably smarter to be cautious, but it was his name. The idea of losing it made him feel like throwing up.

"If I think of a reason I shouldn't use it, I can change that." Peter muttered to himself quietly enough that no one seemed to notice. He took a few minutes to search around for high schools in the area. It was so weird that Midtown didn't exist here. He felt like a fraud as he entered the information for the school he thought would have been his school district. He double checked the year (and it was so weird that it was 5 years in the past here) and back dated his graduation 3 years. Then he grimaced and made it 5 years. 

No way would anyone who saw his face believe that. But he'd need to pretend to have a university degree to get this kind of work, so it couldn't be helped. 

'People lie on their resumes all the time,' Peter told himself. He still felt like crap about it. He still… he still hadn't graduated high school, and he probably never would. 

It was fine. He knew enough that he was never going to stick out as less educated than a high school graduate.

'I'll get the college degree, though. If I really am here for a long time, I need an education.' 

Peter deliberately picked an innocuous university to claim for his fake Bachelors in Computer Science. It took a while to find a place with a sufficiently not-prestigious program but enough graduates for him to have been lost in the crowd. He'd have to redo the resume with the real degree later. 

Oh. Wait. Peter went back up and deleted his name. That was his reason to use a fake name for this work. 

He was going to get a real degree in his own name. This resume was just to make some money, not to establish an identity. He watched the cursor blink for a while, trying to think of a name. It needed to be something that he could remember. Ned Leeds? It would make him too sad. Same for Tony Stark. But…

Peter slowly typed out James Barnes and huffed a laugh through his nose. 

He'd recently escaped unethical scientists and found himself lost in a new world where he had no friends or family. It seemed appropriate. 

"Hey," grumbled the mental Bucky Barnes that Peter's subconscious had apparently generated for some reason. "You little shit." 

That was fine. Peter ignored the rising evidence of a mental breakdown and finished falsifying a resume. He used it to apply for several contract jobs in web design. He took a deep breath to counteract the urge to make a joke with someone, anyone, about how it was funny for Spiderman to get into web design.

Man. He was lonely. 

There was no point in hanging around the library longer. The sun had set and it was close to closing time, 6:00 pm. He couldn't check anything out, not without an ID, and he wasn't going to get any emails back immediately.

Peter shuffled out and walked at random down the street. The sound of cars and pedestrians and crosswalks soothed his hindbrain. 

He used the time to think. To plan. 

He needed to refresh what he knew. The library would be a great start. He'd come early tomorrow and read some computer science books. That aside, he also needed to start working on a long term identity and getting into university. 

'I'm going to want a scholarship. If I can do that, I won't have to work too much.' 

The trouble with that was that Peter couldn't go to any random school. He needed to be somewhere with a significant budget for the sciences. If he was going to get home, he needed access to some serious technology. 

'That's a big ask. Why would a prestigious school offer full scholarships?' 

He felt defeated before he even started. But it was worth asking. That was the kind of question that the librarians wouldn't be suspicious of at all. He was actually in the right age group to look into college admissions. 

'Okay. I need an ID. Birth certificate? That's the first ID anyone gets.' 

Well. Time to see if the city administration buildings were where he remembered. How hard could it be to break in, print a birth certificate, and backdate and file it? He was Spiderman. 

…And Spiderman really shouldn't be using his super powers for crime. What would Aunt May think? Peter grimaced and rubbed at his face with both hands.  

Was it really that bad? 'I'm not stealing anything or hurting anyone,' he defended himself. 'I'm doing what I need in order to survive.'

The part that he felt worst about was lying about his education. But he had the skillset and qualifications, he just couldn't explain his internship to a genius that didn't exist here and extracurriculars at a school this universe didn't have. 

'That's barely even a crime,' Peter thought. 'Breaking and entering isn't great, but I'm just fixing my own paperwork. I really was born. So it's not a fake ID.' 

With that logic ironed out, Peter made his way to the vital records office. The building looked like he remembered, thankfully. 

So. He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and walked around the block to see the building from all sides. 

It didn't exactly look super secure. It was an old brick faced building with a lonely camera angled down the stairs of the main entry. There was a metal detector visible from outside, and he knew from experience that there were maybe 3 security officers on the first floor.

'That's easy to get around if I enter from a higher floor. They'll probably have a security team in at night but they won't expect that. If they do a walk through, I'll hear them coming up the stairs or elevator.'

It seemed doable. Sort of.

'I need to know what birth certificates from my birth year looked like, I guess? And if the ones from today look the same. Or maybe I don't need to worry about it, as long as I enter my information digitally. I doubt they keep a paper copy for every birth. The building isn't even big enough. And you can get a copy printed whenever you need one, so… it being new-looking shouldn't be a problem.'

Okay. Alright, he could do this. He could do some paperwork. 

It wasn't nearly late enough for that kind of crime, though. Peter shoved his hands in his pockets and decided to spend a little of his money on food. 

Long term, getting pre-made food with limited finances was a terrible decision. He knew he should be getting like, beans and rice. But for now he went into a bodega and got the cheapest thing that he thought would make a dent in his hunger– a microwave burrito and a cola. Calories were good, right? He wolfed it down outside the store and ducked back in to throw away the trash immediately. 

It still wasn't late enough. 

He walked around the city for hours, waiting for an idea to hit him. There had to be a great solution. If he could only think of it, there was going to be something that he could do that would fix all his problems. His throat was hot and tight and his eyes were burning. He didn't cry.

God, he was tired. He eventually gave up. He was so tired and he had no idea where he was going to sleep but he really needed to because he was exhausted -

"Stop. Stop spiraling," he told himself. He sniffled. Aw, no, he wasn't catching a cold, was he? Crap. He hoped not. 

He didn't know what time it was, but it felt late enough. He made his way back to the vital statistics office to record his own birth.

Weirdly for a plan devised by Peter, it went smoothly. He entered from a 4th floor window without setting off any alarms. He found and powered on a computer in the right office (thanks for the labels!) and looked up a few birth certificates before he felt confident. He entered his data into the system and printed a copy before powering everything down. 

He was out the window within ten minutes of entering the building. 

Okay. That was step one. Birth certificate accomplished. "Congratulations, it's a boy," Peter muttered to himself. He patted at the bag to hear the reassuring crinkle of paper inside. Okay, that was great! It was progress. He felt better already.

What was next? 

…A driver's license. No one actually went around with a copy of their birth certificate to show when someone asked for ID. He needed a driver's license. 

He walked to the DMV and pulled off basically the same heist. The nerve wracking part was turning on the lights to take the photo. His stomach twisted and he was absolutely certain that someone was going to come and see why the lights were on. 

No one came. He backdated his license to the appropriate year and printed one typed up information for James Tony Barnes, saying that he was 22. Then he altered the birth year back once more to say he was almost 18.

Nobody in their right mind was going to look at his 15-year-old face and think he was 22. They'd just think he had a fake license. Which he did, so he needed them to think the fake license was real. He let out a deep breath and victoriously hit print.

It returned an error message.

…It wouldn’t print. Why?

He scanned until he found the field he’d messed up. Peter stared at it.

It was the social security number. He’d typed up his real one out of force of habit. It had been flagged as a mistake because it already belonged to someone in the system. 

Caught by a morbid curiosity, he looked up who it belonged to. It was a girl, actually, younger than him.

He wanted to cry. It was such a silly thing to cry over! He wasn’t emotionally attached to his social security number– it was just a string of data. But he sniffled. He wiped something away from his eyes that he didn’t think about. Don’t think about it. He wasn’t in a safe place to think about it yet.

It took a few minutes to calm himself. He erased everything he’d done, turned off the computer, and left the way that he’d come.

He couldn’t get the license yet. He needed to get a social security number first. That probably meant that he needed to do some research. Did the office of vital statistics issue them? It didn’t seem right, since each state had to be coordinated. Surely there was some kind of national office that handled all of it.

For lack of anything else to do, his feet took him back to the library. He was so tired that his eyes were aching. 

Peter looked at the opening hours. He licked his teeth. He thought about it. 

It opened at 10am. It was.. it was… 

He decided to risk powering on the evil janitor's phone. It was 11 pm. That was plenty of time for him to sneak a nap on the couch in the quiet space.

"I'm not hurting anyone," Peter said aloud. It was very quiet. He spidered his way up the back wall of the library, pried open a window, and guiltily stretched out on one of the sofas. He set an alarm for 8am. That was definitely earlier than staff would come in, right? Pretty sure. 

He slept like the dead. But specifically, like the restless dead- his spider sense woke him up. Peter had no idea what time it was or why he was awake. He blindly grabbed his bag and the phone and leapt back out the window. He was shutting it when the light turned on inside.

He blinked blearily at the sunlight. He checked the phone.

7:21 am. Wow. Okay. Library workers were diligent. Maybe they had to dust all the books or something. He powered the phone off, and wondered how long the battery would last. He didn't have the charger for it. 

Well. It seemed like a good time to go to a different hotel from yesterday and check out the buffet. 

The hotel he went to had a less exciting buffet. There were a couple kinds of sliced bread and packets of margarine and jelly, as well as coffee, water, milk, and two types of juice. Still, it was free food, so he smiled at the clerk like he belonged there. This time he took a lot less food. Like, a lot less. He didn't want to clear out too much of their stuff. 

Two pieces of jellied toast, a water, an orange juice and a coffee later (blegh, it was burnt), Peter was back outside and at loose ends. 

He didn't want to turn the phone on to check the time. He guessed it was maybe around 8am. He had a couple hours until the library opened up again. 

Well. He sniffled his clothes experimentally.

He should work on that. This outfit wasn't smelly yet, but it would get there. He needed a change of clothes.

He took everything he owned to a rooftop and spread out his work kit. That was a rather grand way to say "three pilfered sewing kits." 

The scissors that came with them were absolutely tiny. Peter picked one up and marveled at it. It wasn't going to cut fabric, no way. It would cut thread and that was it. 

But woven fabric always tore along the seam line, right? Peter took out his dumpster shirts and found the one with the worst damage- the red shirt. He picked a spot and tore with his hands. 

It tore a straight line.

"Yessss," he cheered. He muscled through the seam and then went back to make another tear a little bit above the other one, so that he was basically holding a crop top, a bottom part, and a two inch strip from the middle that was unusable because the scissor cut had been jagged. He wound that up and put it in his bag because he didn't know what else to do with it. 

Now he felt nostalgic, so he took out the blue shirt and did the same thing. The cut hadn't been in exactly the same spot, so the shirt with the blue top and red bottom strip was going to be a little longer than the other shirt. But that was fine, right? 

He pinned the majority red shirt together using the pins from all 3 packages and painstakingly threaded a needle with the dark blue thread. Then he got to work. 

It wasn't hard, honestly. It was more meditative than anything else. He was mostly done when he had the feeling he was being watched. Peter lifted his head and looked down. Then around. Finally, he looked up. "You fly," he said, impressed. "That's cool." 

The flying teenager cocked his head at Peter and floated down. It was- honestly, it was kinda creepy and uncanny. Flying shouldn't be silent. There should be, like- an engine running or wings flapping. 

He tried to keep the unease off his face. This wasn't his universe. He'd look like a weirdo if he acted surprised about it. He tried to look normal. 

"What are you doing?" The guy asked.

Cool, he must be pulling it off.

Peter lifted his sewing project and turned it to show off the seam where red met blue in a neat line. "Customizing my wardrobe," he said, like a freaking dork would. If he said it confidently enough it would sound cooler, right? He eyed up the other teenager. He had spikes on the shoulders of his leather jacket. "I guess you do that too. You uh…. You do that yourself?" 

The guy touched the studs on his leather jacket self consciously. "No, I bought it this way." He leaned in. "I didn't know you could do that." He seemed impressed. 

Peter flushed, discomfited as he tied off the knit and cut his needle free. This guy was way too cool looking to talk to Peter like that. "Yeah, you can do anything to your stuff," he said. Wow, so eloquent. He cleared his throat and tried to look busy turning the shirt inside out to show how it looked. Luckily it had turned out well. "I like your piercings." And the fade was cool too. Wow, no one at Midtown looked like that. Even their jocks were actually nerds. And this guy was a jock for real. He was huge and handsome. 

The guy got real close, looking at Peter's bi-colored shirt.

Peter squirmed. The scrutiny was enough to make him feel paranoid about it being in Spiderman's colors. But this guy didn't know about him. Right? No way, there was no way. He stuffed it in his bag and tried not to look sweaty and suspicious. No underage vigilantes here. Just two normal guys on a 35th story rooftop. 

"Teach me." 

His head flew up at that imperious demand. "Teach you what exactly?" Peter was too surprised to moderate his tone. It came out too high, too nerdy. "Like- sewing in general,  or- your jacket? Do you wanna customize your jacket more?" Oh, man, he was nervous enough that he couldn't speak straight. So embarrassing. Peter forced himself to smile and waited for the reaction with a cringe. This felt like the moment before he got put in a locker.

Man, this dude had intense blue eyes. And he was holding so still. Was he even breathing? "I want more metal in my jacket," he decided. "And- could we make part of it mesh?" 

Peter was mostly just glad the guy had started breathing again.

'Mixing leather and mesh doesn't seem structurally sound. Plus, isn't leather meant to be kind of protective?'

…"If you pay for supplies, we can try," Peter said, because this might as well happen, and now he knew someone. Now he knew a normal human being from this universe who he could lean on for cues. He latched on- metaphorically. In reality, he just started packing up his supplies and hoped the guy didn't recognize them as hotel kits. Peter was used to the mortification of being poor, but this was a bit much even for him.

"Yeah, I have Luther's credit card." The guy whipped one out of nowhere and flipped it between his fingers at a dizzying pace. He slapped on a lazy grin and watched Peter intently as he did his weird little dexterity trick.

That was what broke his nerves. That? That was the kind of thing that Ned did in his practical magic phase. 

'Is he trying to be cool?' Peter wondered, incredulous. 'He's trying way too hard. He's not actually that cool. I mean, he's definitely cooler than me, but it's not as bad as I thought.'

Awesome. Peter could work with that. He relaxed tremendously. He was just gonna think of this guy as a really muscular Ned. He was pretty sure that Ned would still hang out with Peter even if he'd gotten that tall and strong after puberty, so it was probably a fair comparison.

"That's great," he said, pretending he knew who Luther was. The guy's stepdad or something, probably. Why else would he have a credit card from someone he called by their name? "You wanna go now?" He paused. "I'm Peter, by the way." 

The other boy's hand was weirdly warm and firm when he reached out for a handshake (what? Teenagers shake hands here?. That was so uncool and he'd never have guessed it). "Kon." He flashed his perfect teeth again. "Yeah, let's go. Wanna walk or fly?" 

Peter shrugged. "Whichever is cool," he said. He hoped Kon didn't expect him to be able to fly. If he needed to he could like, parkour, and pretend that was just his preference. 

"Flying it is!" Peter yelped and just barely aborted a dodge as Kon cheerfully grabbed him in a bridal carry and swooped out into the open air. 

Kon and Peter, both wrong at the arts and crafts store: "I have successfully befriended a normal guy in my age group. I can copy him surreptitiously to learn to blend in better, as long as he doesn't learn that I'm not a cool guy like him."

[5am-mist]

Strangers prt2

°pairing°> bella ramsey x reader

°summary°> after a year of no contact you finally see bella again and agree to talk things out.

°requested?°> yess? I mean kinda?

°tw°> slight mention of weight

~°A/N°~

Oki so people in the comments wanted a prt2 so here it is! I used they/them pronouns for bella. I am still busy for these next 2 days but I am opening requests however I will have to work on them when I'm free again! I missed you guys love you and enjoy!

It had been a year. A whole year since you and Bella last spoke, since you and Bella last saw each other in person, since you and Bella had the fight. You used to think it would get easier. That somewhere along the line you'd get over them. It never did though and you never got over them.

The first 2 months were the hardest. Those were the months where social media was flooded with pictures of Bella and Macy. No matter where you went you couldn't escape it. After that though it all went silent. Too silent. There were hardly any photos of Bella at all. Articles had disappeared and Bella hadn't posted anything anywhere.

You couldn't help but get worried about them. You still loved them even though you hated admittingit you knew it was the truth. You'd stay awake all night overthinking every possible situation that could have happened to them. Not long after this an article dropped. It wasn't of Bella but Macy. In the article she stated that Bella was fine and that they were currently on a "break" from their relationship.

You were so happy to hear Bella was okay and you wouldn't admit it but a part of you was happy they were on a 'break'. You felt selfish after awhile, you had never even met Macy how could you hate her? Then again she was the one Bella ignored you for.

It was a Friday evening. Clouds had covered the sky the scent of rain heavy in the air. Days like these were your favorite. You were laying on your bed switching through movies trying to decide on which ones to watch. It was silly, you and Bella used to do this every Friday when they were available. You two would pick the scariest or cheseiest movies only to spend the entire duration laughing and making jokes about it. You missed those days and had ultimately decided to continue the tradition even if you had to do it alone but it was never the same.

Your doorbell interrupted your indecisiveness to which you let out an annoyed sigh. You weren't sure whether you were more upset about; having to answer the door or that you couldn't decide on a movie.

You opened the front door only to be met with the most beautiful brown eyes. Their brown eyes. You were taken aback, you hadn't expected to see them ever again, let alone at your apartment door on this random Friday. You took a good look at them, they had the darkest eye bags, their skin was far more pale than normal and they look like they lost weight. Even then they still looked so beautiful to you.

"Hi." They offered you a weak smile.

"Hi." You didn't know what to say. You hadn't spoken to them in a year. Where did you stand? Silence fell over you two.

"Would you like to come in?" They nodded slightly and walked into the apartment. "I'm sorry for the abrupt visit but i really needed to see you. To talk to you." They sounded desperate and you had to stop yourself from pulling them into a hug. "Ok well what do you need to talk about?" Your voice gentle, you could tell something had happened and gave up on your whole 'I don't care about you anymore' facade.

"I wanted to say I'm so sorry. I was a total jerk but please just give me another chance. I broke up with Macy because I realized she wasn't the one I loved. She was a rebound and it was horrible of me to date her. It wasn't fair on you or on her and I'm sorry. I know I hurt you I understand that but I truly do love you. I can't sleep or eat and all I do all day is worry about you. Hoping you're ok. I shouldn't have let my fear get in the way and ruin our friendship. I understand if you hate me but I can't let this friendship die before telling you I love you." Tears were streaming down their face.

You pulled them into a hug, a tight one. "Bella I could never hate you. You could hurt me a million times over and I'd still love you. You were a jerk yes, and you can't change that but you can make sure you don't do that shit again. Just talk to me okay?" They nodded slowly. They hadn't had a good night's sleep in months and were fighting the erge to fall asleep right there.

"You look like shit by the way, I think you should go shower then we can watch a movie together like old times." You joked. They clearly found you funny even in their current state because they stifled a laugh as the got up and headed towards the bathroom.

You chose the movie while Bella showered, you hadn't picked anything special knowing Bella wouldn't last long at all.

You were just glad to have Bella back. To have your Bella back.

[danwhobrowses]

Since it's being brought up a bit again - at least from what I've seen - in the Critical Role fandom I'm just gonna vent some stuff about C3 mainly regarding the indecision of the god stuff. I will point out beforehand however that I still really enjoy C3, I love the characters, I like getting lore even from the gods and there's been a lot of great moments, but there are of course frustrations as there has likely been with every campaign

Spoilers just in case, up to 109 and a small 10th Oct 4SD mention

Okay so, the whole god stuff has been done a lot this campaign. I understand why Matt pushed it because it is a grand scale situation where a 'right answer' can differ from person to person, and I'm fine with the fact that there are members of the Hells who don't like the gods, because it's realistic that people who grew up differently would feel differently about these kinds of topics. But with us nearing 110 episodes, I am frustrated with how we're continually entertaining the idea of just doing Ludinus' plan after killing him, mainly in order to chase the pantheon away whether they want to leave or not, we've done the 'Is Ludinus right?' 'No he should be stopped' loop a lot of times now, to me this is just another flavour of that and while we have seen the gods do some shady stuff, I still don't buy the idea that them leaving will fix anything, let alone using a god eater entity to do it.

What frustrates me currently about this is that the Hells seem quite in unison that Ludinus should be stopped, they won't sacrifice one another, and that the gods shouldn't die, but for some reason these three valid points don't get focused on when deliberating the presented options of releasing Predathos. On 4SD Robbie got struck by a moment of clarity when asked how Dorian - notably on the anti-God side of things - feels about potentially sacrificing his friends Fearne and/or Imogen in an effort to make them - despite their preference to not be - a vessel of Predathos, and while it's perfectly fine that they suddenly realised this it does show that the majority of the Hells are experiencing a bit of tunnel vision and focusing on their ideal outcome rather than a compromise they can all unite on. It's not that it's bad to try and unearth more information about the unknown factors, but his reaction makes it apparent that the right questions still aren't being asked to the group;

"Are you willing to sacrifice Fearne and/or Imogen?"

"Are you okay with being just as bad as Ludinus and Zathuda by doing what they plan(ned) to do?"

"Is this what FCG sacrificed himself for?"

If any of the Hells - minus Braius since he doesn't know the group so well - would answer Yes to these I'd be shocked and honestly feel a little betrayed, because it's not in any of their established characters to do that. Believing that they'd answer No to all however bodes the question of why we're even considering releasing Predathos?

The whole plan has so many reasons it should've been shut down already, which is why I personally don't enjoy them talking about it as an option; not just because of the many unknown factors regarding vessels and Predathos, or the fact that Orym and Imogen know just how all-consuming Predathos' pull is, or because it'd mean betraying their allies in the Accords, or because it means risking one or two of their own, or because there's no plan for what comes after by any party, or because we've seen how at the mercy of Predathos' power all Ruidusborns have been both at the Key and on Ruidus itself, or even that the Matron's suggestion that Love - which while unlimited in individual willpower is not omnipotent - will allow the Vessel to subdue Predathos is a limp argument because unlike the previous Death God who allowed the Matron to usurp them Predathos very clearly doesn't want to be contained. All those reasons should've killed the idea anyway but one of the big and more personal reasons the Hells shouldn't be doing it is because releasing Predathos would vindicate Ludinus. All the horrible things he's done and all the people who he has let die all for the plan, the very things the Hells have tried to hold him responsible for would be justified by completing his plan, regardless of whether he lives to see it. Plus the encounter with the Matron once again reiterates that there will be gods who won't run, that some will choose oblivion fighting for this world over abandoning it. Since the Hells don't want the gods to die - including Ashton and Dorian, who want them to leave or at the least be accountable for their actions - releasing Predathos should be nixed here too. As a last resort it is valid but only as a last resort, when all better options - and that is a long list - have failed.

I understand that the table enjoy tough decisions and conflict, and that the majority of them are not in the same mind as the characters they are playing when it comes to the gods, and to reiterate the God lore has been juicy - I loved Downfall - but we are over two thirds through the usual lifespan of a campaign now and the group isn't even locked in on what they should do! I know others want it but I don't believe that a big PVP or an argumentative shouting contest is needed so close to the final arc either, it'd only risk breaking the group apart at a key moment, but at the same time it does need to be addressed to find a point of unison again, and discuss what outcome the characters can live with - what can be abided and compromised on and what cannot.

Matt has been vague with a lot of things this campaign and while in some cases that provides wiggle room for autonomy, exploration and creativity, it also means that when the god topic comes about we tend to go in circles, because everything is still vague and unclear. It doesn't help either that the way Matt has crafted god encounters so far have the ones who want to fight for Exandria either not contacting the Hells - seriously the Stormlord must be frothing to speak with Imogen right? How much more fighting does she need to do? - or in the Wildmother's case are only speaking to people they know won't argue or debate with them. It's kinda apparent that no god so far is truly humbling themselves right now; even the Matron and Arch Heart felt the need to test the Hells before presenting their stance on the situation to them, which is equally frustrating given that they need their help - plus given how the two are conspiring against the others, and Asmodeus is trying to deceive Braius, not even the gods are in unison about an end goal...but still have the audacity to let Lolth rip through Opal's memories and personality and kill Cyrus for the sake of maintaining their truce.

It is easy to point fingers from this side of the fence though, Matt is but one man and he has taken on a massive social and theological argument upon his shoulders which hits very close to home for many communities, but while there is intrigue on what the solution could be it does at times feel like we're pushing only the bad options. For instance, before the Arch Heart visit the plan seemed to be set that we stop Predathos from being unleashed, the Hells were content with it and we got all parties present in Vassalheim to agree to it too. This felt like and still feels like the best course of action because it achieves all 3 united points the Hells have while also preventing more needless bloodshed and establishing diplomatic relations with the now liberated people of Ruidus, it's not easy but it's the path of least unknowns, so why doesn't it feel like it's the prioritized plan anymore? Gods like the Arch Heart don't need Predathos to leave, it's just an excuse they're weaponizing to force the others to be as cowardly as them while also avoiding accountability as Predathos and whoever releases them are left with the blame. But, providing that Predathos remains sealed and new measures are put in place to perhaps further confine and banish it so a repeat doesn't occur, there's no stopping them from just stepping down, passing on their domain to another or simply releasing it back to where it initially came from, while also just chilling in a place close to their family - that still feels like it's possible. But at the same time, their followers are owed an explanation, whether the gods want to stay or leave they should be held accountable for their position and current stance, as well as their absence and/or selfishness, and they can't expect to just run or hide away from criticism for making such a call. Whatever the outcome Exandria cannot go back to how it was, the events of C3 has shaken Exandria to its very core and a new paradigm and direction will need to be taken to create a better tomorrow both mortals and gods alike envision for it, but you can't rebuild or improve things by being absent or by holding a gun to someone else's head, and it can't do either if nobody can agree on anything. Indecision and division has allowed Ludinus to get this far, even when that was spelled out everyone still seems to be falling for that same trap, which is why it taking so long to reach a decision grows more concerning the closer we get to having to fight him on Ruidus one last time.

On top of all this, the indecision isn't the be all and end all to the plot as a whole, deciding on a path doesn't mean the path will not have obstacles or go exactly to plan (when has it ever?) it just means you know where your A to B is, if the Hells decide on what path they take there is still an absolute wealth of things outside of Ruidus still needing to be done too; amassing allies not currently at Vassalheim, saving Ryn wherever they are, getting some more relics, dealing with all the magical items we have to see what to use/sell/absorb, getting to the bottom of the people who were trying to capture Chetney, PopCon, telling FRIDA, Dancer, D, Milo and Joe about FCG's death, laying FCG's remains to rest since most of him is still in the bag of holding, Ashton lore in general (they passed their last Path feature level wise so we'd need a new avenue for them to get Luxon/Dunamancy lore, also can they and Fearne talk to their titan shards for Titan lore? They helped seal Predathos too, is there more to tell about their family or the Hishari? Ashton feels like a gold mine or lore that often stays untapped), Chetney/Orym paternity test, Orym owning up to what his deal with Nana was, potential follow-up stuff with the Kryn or the Unseelie (or just Yu, if we can pry them from Ghosting in Yotei), plus all the previously imprisoned criminals and monsters let loose unto the world by the solstice's undoing of magical seals.

I trust Matt and the players, and I acknowledge that their entertainment is the priority over mine as a spectator, but I'd be lying if pretended I wasn't irritated by this stuff, especially with so much exciting and creative things left that we can do that isn't going back to the 'Is Ludinus right?' argument for the umpteenth time.

[iron-hearts-ablaze]

Karlach and Soul Coins

First, some interesting facts about soul coins and then I'll talk about how they affect Karlach.

Soul coins are made of infernal iron, containing the soul of a creature after it is tormented.

Good-aligned people cannot hold many soul coins as the despair gets to them. Evil-aligned people can hold as many as they please.

After being minted, they are often used by higher Devils for infernal machinery, the rest are cycled through the Hells like usual currency.

It is possible to free the soul from the coin using 'remove curse' and make the coin rust and become unusable.

Now; how does this affect Karlach? Cut for length, lets explore;

Karlach is very indecisive with soul coins. In her Origin, she has a unique thought process when she finds her first coin.

No matter which option you choose, she always sits on the fence. 'I shouldn't use them....but what if?' kind of attitude. Always second guessing her first instinct; which is to never use them.

-I should try it out. "I shouldn't really, it is a soul after all. Zariel might've been happy to use 'em willy-nilly but she was an evil freak. BUT...maybe I'm an evil freak too."

-I should put it away 'til I can use it in battle "That seems measured. I'm measured, aren't I?" -Yes. Save it for when you really need a supercharge in battle. It's the only option, really

"No. I am good. And good people only use soul coins when they really really need a pick-me-up."

"That's it. Will keep it on hand for good use and nothing else. Nothing....else..."

She has to keep reminding herself that she's not to use it - but why? Why is it such a challenge for her to have to reinforce like this all the time? Almost like there is a draw to them. I personally feel she's no doubt used these plenty of times in the Hells before, given to her by Zariel before battle. She knows how powerful she can be with them, and is almost convinced to chase that feeling.

If Karlach uses too many soul coins (10) in game she overheats, but keeps insisting she's fine and in control. Having to convince the player much like she has to convince herself.

I also find it interesting that Karlach doesn't seem affected no matter how many coins she holds despite being a good person. As if she's numb to all the torment, no doubt used to hearing it being in Avernus for a decade.

Headcanon; Karlach is not completely addicted, but definitely drawn to the power of soul coins. It conflicts with her natural good alignment but she's never protests fully against using them - either in her Origin or toward the player. There is no argument, like you can have with the Astral Tadpole, she just takes it.

The power is unlike anything. She can move faster, hit harder, burn hotter than ever. This is much more like what she was in Avernus, since her engine is working smoothly whilst a coin is in use. She's almost delusional with the overwhelming feeling. She's not in pain anymore, and becomes rather manic.

However, there is a come down. The despair the trapped soul felt is passed along to her eventually. Like a crash, when the feeling wears off, she suddenly feels really melancholy. The guilt also hits hard, using those souls for a momentary gain.

So comes the cycle of never wanting to do that again so not to feel the down, but the want to fight harder to protect her friends is often stronger...

[mdhwrites]

Have you ever talked about king? Like how the story gave him this big twist that he was a titan all this time. It was smth that I didn't know how to handle nor how to feel about it, I was like ok so he's a god, hmm... tragic?

Do you think they did it to solve the issue with the titan blood for the portal? If we forget that the collector exists (I wish) than that'd be all the purpose. Guess the whole younger sibling thing wasn't enough, everyone needs a tragic story in this show to be important? Poor gus never stood a chance. But then again, Boscha didn't either somehow.

I actually haven't talked much about King! And I'm going to ask that someone put in an ask about Titan's Blood because this blog got very long without touching on it and there's a LOT to talk about with Titan's Blood.

But to talk about King, I actually have to split his character in half between who he was in S1 and S2 because he's effectively a different character post Echoes of the Past and that's… Not a negative thing. King actually goes through a revelation in that episode that shifts his personal identity and how he sees the world enough that a change in character is actually warranted here. He's also young enough to be incredibly malleable as a person. It's not a bad way to do such a big revelation of this sort.

And that's about as positive as I'm going to get on this blog because King is a one note character and changing that note doesn't make him deeper. It just means he's not as stale.

Now I will admit that I am kind of biased here because I just was DONE with King by the end of S1. He has like two jokes to him, both centered around mocking the fact that he thinks himself a powerful tyrant (either him yelling about being powerful or people treating him like a child/pet while mocking him) and that's really it besides his focused episodes. At least, that's overwhelmingly how it felt to me and it got… Very boring.

And in S1, the times they try to go against this don't help? They're all theoretically meant to focus around his desire for power and attention and either how to do it right or that he shouldn't do it but he doesn't ever change after them. Instead, his two focused episodes both follow a formula of "Fuck over Luz, decide he feels bad about, admit his fault, and resolution." Which is fine but Small Problems is considered on of the worst episodes of the series for a reason because King in it, the one where he's actually more sympathetic, is actually so small and indecisive it feels out of character. The other one, Sense and Insensitivity, is better but you never see any real growth from it and it will eventually conflict with him having stage fright since he literally only realizes what he did to Luz was wrong because he's about to get killed because of it.

It's another moment where TOH's morality writing is… questionable. Much like Hunter's turn to good, King in Sense and Insensitivity needs an actual threat and punishment, beyond his friend being hurt and sad, to actually give a fuck. And that's not great.

What's worse is that Eda is mostly absent from being a part of King's character. Which… A different blog can talk about how weak the found family elements are, in part because there's no love between these characters minus very specific moments that come kind of too late. And, you know, S1 Eda just straight up is out of character with King for… The entirety of it? Period?

Which makes me assume King wasn't meant to be the Titan's son. To have the backstory that he did. That I don't know how much of a plan there was for King period. Remember when Eda threatened that he'd need to pay rent? When he was a infant that she decided on a whim to adopt and feed into his fantasies, despite S1 Eda being all about "Fantasies are dumb, you have to face reality kid," to Luz.

But King is ostensibly a main character and you can't keep making the same jokes forever so they figured SOMETHING out. This is where we get S2 King who has the uphill battle of never having felt like a main character, never felt important, felt mostly like comic relief… And now he's not funny.

He gets jokes of course but he's now all daddy issues. His one note is now wanting to know about his past. That's not unreasonable for him to desire but he stops even showing up for the most part because of it. You don't get nearly as many random gags with him so he starts just kind of fading away in the show for the cast that the writers very clearly care about more.

Even worse is that now they have a plotline with him are also still doing very little with him. He doesn't get a dedicated episode after Echoes of the Past, S2 Ep 3, until Edge of the World (which I usually call Titan Hunters) which is S2 EPISODE SEVENTEEN. Yes, he shows up between those two points but what does he actually do?

In Knock Knock Knockin', he's the comic relief episode as we're supposed to just laugh at his misery and failures until "Here's a power up kid." Which is actually what that episode ends up amounting to in the greater series for Eda too. Except Eda gets angst before getting a way to participate in fights. Eclipse Lake, he's just a joke too. These aren't about expanding his character but just that he's around so you have to acknowledge him at least.

And Eda's Requiem is great on Eda's side but they straight up admit that they used King legally changing his name… Just to fuck with Eda and allow more Eda angst. For a cheap twist and an emotional moment that should actually mean something for both parties, but they only allow to be truly something for Eda.

And for as much as I got so, SOOOOO very tired of the same jokes from King… I mean, at least they could sometimes make me laugh. S2 King was meant to be taken seriously but they do so little with it that it doesn't end up feeling true nor is interesting and so… Why should an audience care?

It's a general risk honestly with an ensemble cast. You have so many moving parts that you can just let one rot on the vine while dealing with other members of the ensemble. It's why TOH's glut of characters is such a detriment to it. Let alone, a character the writers didn't just not care about but had no idea what actually to do with.

Because then we do get almost four episodes in a row (skipping Labyrinth Runners) where King is the main character… And he's just lore acting the right way to get to the place he needs to. I'm not going to say everything done here is that bad. None of it worked for me but objectively, Edge of the World is at least a fine episode and the tropes they use with King in it function with his age.

What happens AFTER Edge of the World DOESN'T. Because with "O' Titan, Where Art Though", you have King's transformation into the wisest character in the show. Bare minimum, the wisest 8 year old I've ever seen. Any trace of his petulance, of his age, of his personal desires are erased to just be… A generically good person. But with a 30 in Wisdom for his character sheet versus most people's 15.

This culminates in one of the dumbest climaxes to a character arc where King, the eight year old child, is willing to bleed himself for the Collector with no hesitation. None. You need my help to get out? I'm not even going to ask how or ask if there's a way where I don't have to get hurt which would be reasonable for literally anyone to ask. No. He just knows that people can use his blood for things and so that's what he offers. And that… That is a level of maturity that I don't think King ever earned.

To make that moment, that sort of sacrifice, feel earned from where he began as a character, S2 would have had to treat him as a main character. Instead, he's still comic relief until the LORE of the world and the plans the author has force him to grow up out of nowhere and remember that he was one of the first four characters we were properly introduced to.

There's also stuff to be said about him breaking the "No Chosen One" rule by having somehow only been born literal thousands of years after it was possible for him to be laid, at least by the implications of the show, and his role as the 'Last Titan' but… I want to make something clear in ending this.

Lore does not make me care about a character. They could be claimed as the most important person in a plot, to have had ramifications throughout all of it and I don't give a fuck. If they're bland, if they're boring, if they are obviously more of a tool for the writer they don't care about than an actual character, no amount of back fill or worldly importance will change my mind on that.

I focus as much on the actions the characters make because actions speak louder than words. Because what a character does matters more than any amount of exposition. Matters more than their powers. When a character is great, the exposition, powers and words reinforce the character in some way.

When a character is bad, they don't match the tone, importance, etc. the show places on them. And well… S1 King was at least better than in S2 because the show understood what he was and never tried to pretend he was anything more if they weren't willing to put in the work for it.

[iamsherlocked1479]

Chapter 9

You had been in bed for exactly 36 hours, your room was dark with fresh daylight seeping through what little gaps had been moved in the curtains by the open window. The only contact you had with the rest of the world was the occasional cup of tea your aunt brought you which you didn’t really drink. You awoke to the frantic buzzing of the twelve messages and three miss calls from louise.

“Answer the call or I'll break your door down.” huh she’s outside, if you left it long enough she would go away and so you planned to.

“Louise darling it's so good to see you, y/n is up in her room.” for god sake why did Mrs hudson have to be such a people pleaser. The door almost burst off its hinges as louise stood in the doorway waving her phone around

“Two days I was trying to call you, thanks for letting me know you’re not dead.” she walked over to your window.

“No, no, no wait-!” too late she opened the curtains letting the light flood into the room “Argh, what the hell lou?”

“We’re going out, the wedding is in 10 days and I know you’re not prepared but first you need to take a shower, jesus.” she pulled the covers you had hidden your face with and dragged you out of bed.

You came out of the shower and threw on the first outfit that looked presentable and walked into the living room to find Sherlock scrunched up onto the sofa, knees tucked into his chest shouting at the TV.

You are not the father!

“Noooo! Of course he isn’t the father, look at the turn ups of his jeans!” 

You turned to john and pointed in confusion 

“Don’t ask, he’s waiting on some lab results.” he slapped the paper down and went into the kitchen.

“I see your hibernation period is over.” Sherlock kept his eyes on the tv.

“It was tiring, you dont get alot of sleep tied to a chair.” you replied, still holding some annoyance from his indecisive entrance he made that day.

“I never had an issue.” he replied smugly

“What?” you asked

“If you want to know, read john's blog, not much of a page turner really.”

“So you took another case already?” you begin to pry, you figured he would have been obsessing over Moriarty for the next few months.

“As best man I've been given the task of providing the uncultured nature of a stag do and I've asked Molly to help find a suitable level of alcohol to consume whilst also providing the correct level of intoxication, urine breaks and what some may call ’fun’.” he took a breath and did the same irritating smile he did when he made something sound more overly complicated than it should have been.

“Oh joy for john.” you replied sarcastically

“Precisely.” he turned back to the television, sipping his tea. “So are you going?”

“Where?” 

“The wedding, are you going?” he asked

“Of course I am, I'm the maid of honour, I have to be there.”

“No sex though.” louise interrupted

“What?!” you both reply suddenly, turning to her  confused.

“Bridesmaids and groomsmen sleep together on the wedding night, it's a tradition.” she winks at you to which you return a death stare. Sherlocks brow raised as he took a second look at you

“No thankyou.” you quickly add putting an end to his curiosity

“I don't do physical contact, I avoid verbal contact with the boring person as much as I can. Which reminds you, shouldn't you be going louise?”

“Sherlock!” you snap

“It's fine, at least people actually want to be around me.” she smirked as sherlocks smile dropped as he watched you and Louise scurry down the stairs with hysterical laughter.

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What do you think of these?” you say pulling a pair of plain heels from the rack.

“Are you actually trying not to be noticed?” louise huffed snatching them out your hands

“Why are you obsessed with me looking good?” you moaned trailing your hands along your bag

“Because Sherlock is head over heels for you but has some weird morals about not being in a relationship.” she sighed, handing you a ridiculously high heel. You pinch your brow and sigh

“Definitely not those i don’t even like heels, and anyways just because he’s so called ‘head over heels’ doesn’t mean i want anything to do with him.” you say sarcastically

“Y/n are you kidding me? You’ve been obsessed with this guy since he moved in. then you slept with him and all of a sudden you’re not interested. What's wrong? Oh god, does he have a small dick?” she began to snigger

“No, it's better than average.” you smirked before shaking your head “what i mean is he’s dangerous I got kidnapped remember.” you slump onto the stool and try on the shoes louise threw at you.

“Oh yeah that, how are you feeling? I heard he faked his death.” she sat next to you and watched you admire the shoes in the mirror.

“I don’t know really, he had cameras in my house, he kept me tied to a chair for 3 days, but only hurt me in front of sherlock. He was strange. And then when I needed him, Sherlock didn’t save me and now knowing that Moriarty is still out there I'm just so, so scared.” you begin to sob as Louise wrapped herself tightly around you.

“It’s okay, you’re safe now. I think you just need to get really drunk. And I have to say those shoes look amazing.”

“They do,” you sniff, chuckling through your tears as you looked at them in the mirror.

You paid for the shoes and promptly headed to the nearest bar ordering cocktails where you spent the rest of the day laughing and joking, ensuring you didn’t get drunk so you could at least find a way home. The walk home was quicker than anticipated or at least it felt like it. You weren't really sure who put you in the taxi and once you got to the door, you noticed a woman who stood patiently clutching her purse as she leant on the wall.

“Is this um Sherlock Holmes' apartment?” she asked as you placed your key in the door missing the keyhole the first few tries.

“Um yes, this is his establishment.” you smile, with one eye blinking before the other. “Follow me and I shall see if he is around.” you open the door and stumble slightly.

“God not another one.” your aunt turned off the vacuum and helped remove your coat.

“Auntie, this is Mrs. Client, she is a Sherlock looking for a case.” you say climbing up the stairs “Wait here sir.” you say to the woman who waited at the bottom of the stairs. You open the living room door to find John and Sherlock sitting opposite each other with post-its stuck to their foreheads.

“Ah, y/n. Help me, I think John is lying. Am i.” he paused to blink “am i the current king of england?” he sat back waiting for you answer.

“W-we don’t have a king do we?” 

“Don’t we?” Sherlock sniggered and you lost your train of thought as you pulled up a chair to join their game. “Okay John, your turn.”

“Am I a woman?” He stared at Sherlock intensely and took a sip from his glass. You looked around and took the glass from Sherlock's hand and took a swig and slid it neatly back into his hand.

“Thank you for the refill y/n. Yes you are a woman.” he sniggered

“Am I ... pretty?” John asked.

“I think you’re pretty.” you smiled giving a thumbs up.

“Why thank you, John bowed.”

“No, no. Err ... Er, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.” Sherlock interrupted.

“But am i… a pretty lady?”

Sherlock leant forward staring at John's forehead “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who you’re supposed to be.”

“But you picked the name!” john exclaimed

“I picked at random from one of y/n’s magazines.” Sherlock flailed his arm over his head, you laughed at his state as your eyes began to feel heavy.

“You’re not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock?”

“So I am human, I’m not as tall as people think I am …” he sat back in his chair “I’m-I’m nice-ish …” he thought for a moment and laughed “Got it”

“Go on then.” john laughed

“I’m you aren’t I?” he looked so proud of his deduction as he pointed at john but you and john just laughed at his decision.. Your laughter was interrupted by Mrs hudson appearing at the door with the woman you had abandoned at the bottom of the stairs.

“Ah sherlock, i brought madam case.” you hiccupped pulling his hand to stand him up, so you could clear the living room giving her some space to sit.

“Uhm my name is Tessa, which one is Sherlock?” 

John's arm began slowly creeping up accompanied by a whistle as he pointed to Sherlock who smiled.

“Please , sit this is gonna be amazing.” you pushed the woman to her seat and sat on the floor with your legs crossed leant against the door.

“Please go ahead.” Sherlock smiled

“I don’t ... a lot ... I mean, I don’t ... date all that much ... and ... he seemed ... nice, you know?” she cautiously began explaining, watching confused as john's eyes began to slowly slide down. You turned to Sherlock whose eyes were locked on you smiling widely when he saw you notice him forcing you to give him a little wave to focus on Tessa. John smiled at the lady seemingly struggling to keep his eyes open. “We seemed to automatically connect. We had one night – dinner, such an interesting conversation. It was ... lovely. To be honest, I’d love to have gone further ... but I thought, ‘No, this is special. Let’s take it slowly ...exchange numbers.’ He said he’d get in touch and then …” she looked down sadly “Maybe he wasn’t quite as keen as I was ...but I – I just thought …”she began to cry “at least he’d call to say that we were finished.” to your surprise, Sherlock's face filled with sympathy as the woman wiped her eyes, that was until he turned away gagging at his own actions. 

Drunk Sherlock was, human?

“Y’know what, screw him girl.” You walked over slapping your hand onto her back before falling to the ground “whoa are you okay?” you ask, trying to steady yourself.

“I went round there, to his flat. No trace of him. Mr Holmes …” the woman still sobbed as Sherlock watched on, smiling as his eyes began to close. “I honestly think I had dinner ... with a ghost.!”  Sherlock slumped and snored softly whilst John's head lowered as he slept. “Mr Holmes?” Tessa asked, looking down at you who also had fallen asleep “With a ghost, Mr Holmes!” she shouted startling Sherlock as he tumbled off the sofa.

“Boring, boring, boring – no!” he forced himself up “fascinating, John, John woke up. “Apologies about my, you know ... thing.” he nudged you with his foot, waking you up “rude, rude!”

“Hey, I'm not a detective, leave me alone.” you whine at Sherlock and slumped onto the sofa beginning to fall asleep again.

“I checked with the landlord, and the man who lived there died. Heart attack. And there we are, having dinner one week on. And I found this thing online, sort of chatroom thing” she handed a print out to sherlock “for girls who think they’re dating men from the spirit world.” Sherlock grabbed it and paced slightly wobbling as he stopped.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find him in ten minutes. What's your dog's name? John? John wake up!” he nudged John sharply which jolted him awake. “We’re meant to” he clicked his fingers “The game’s uhh something.”

“On” John yawned, Tessa smiled as she followed them out of the apartment leaving you softly sleeping off your drunken haze.

—-----------------------------------------------------------

“Y/n? y/n dear wake up.” you opened your eyes to find your aunt leaning over you with tea in hand, you groaned and instantly felt the headache accompanied by the strong urge to throw up anything that had entered your system last night, you rushed into the bathroom with your head over the toilet bowl. “Dear me, what did you get up to last night.” Mrs Hudsond came in and handed you a glass of water.

“Louise and I had some drinks and then after that I- i don’t know”you sat back taking small sips from your water when your phone began to ring. “H-hello?”

“Y/n, it's Greg just letting you know our wild stags are on their way back from the station.” he amused voice crackled through the busy noise of the station through your speaker.

“What are you on about? What stags?” you were so confused

“Sherlock and john may have been how can i say it, um apprehended last night for breaking and entering.” he laughed

“Ugh i’m too hungover for this, thanks for letting me know.” you hung up the phone ignoring his laughing when sherlock appeared in the doorway of the bathroom, he looked fine, like he hadn’t been drinking at all last night.

“I need to take a shower.” he stood confused over you

“Ugh just go upstairs and use my bathroom, this toilet is in use.” you gagged again throwing up even more

“But this is my bathroom.” Sherlock argued.

“Then shower, then I don't care right now, I'm a little busy.” you shouted leaning back onto the bathtub.

“I- um, i-”

“Just give me a minute” you sighed, stumbling to your feet and smelling the wondrous smell of a fry up being cooked downstairs, ah yes greasy food the perfect remedy for your condition.

“You look wonderful.” john smiled as he plopped a antacid tablet into his water

“How is he okay?” you asked irritated

“This is Sherlock we are talking about.” john adds

“It's just like old times having you here john.” Mrs. Hudson smiles, placing a plate in front of John and you.

“Don’t sound so final about, i will be visiting you know” he says

“Oh I've heard that one before, dear.” She laughed and took a sip of her tea as she watched you demolish your plate, childhood memories of this dish.

“Mm, no, it’s different now, though, isn’t it?” john picked up his cutlery and began cutting his food

“Well, marriage changes everything, John.”

“Does it?” he looked down at the sausage and gulped.

“You might not think it, but it does.” she looked at you and smiled while just lifted the fork to his mouth and hesitated before pushing the plate away from him slightly. “You meet new people ’cause you’re a couple …”

“Mhm.” 

“... and then you just ... let your old friends slip away.” 

“Yeah but it won't be like that.” he added.

“Sure it won’t.” you laugh switching you plate with his

“Well, if you’ve found the right one – the person that you click with – it’s the best thing in the world.” she smiled

“Well, I have. I know I have.” he smiled

“Oh, I’m sure. She’s lovely! One of you might as well find someone.” she looked over at you disappointedly

“I’m twenty four, give me a break.” you scolded

“Twenty five in a few weeks dear.”

“Did you think you’d found the right one when you married Mr Hudson?” John asked

“No! It was just a whirlwind thing for us. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I just got sort of swept along.” she smiled

“Right” john looked over to you confused and you just shrugged

“And then we moved to Florida. We had a fantastic time, but of course I didn’t know what he was up to.” she whispered  “The drugs” she looked over to you

“I’m over that now geeze, no need to be so sensitive about it.”

“Drugs?” john looked confused

“Yup uncle Frank the drug dealer, not everyone is perfect.” you smile

“Take your elbows off the table please.” Mrs hudson corrected your posture “anyways He was running ... um, oh God, what d’you call it? Um”

“A drug cartel.” you smile

“Right” john wasn’t surprised

“And then I found out about all the other women. I didn’t have a clue! So, when he was actually arrested for blowing someone’s head off ...it was quite the relief to be honest”

“Okay..” john still not surprised

“It was purely physical between me and Frank. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I know: there was one night …”

“Nope, i’m out” you got up

“Hang was that sherlock i better go check it.” John followed you upstairs to find Sherlock sat in the floor, his chin resting on his hands as usual, surrounded by laptops. You peaked over his shoulder, surprised to see he was talking to, women?

“Is that woman calling you sexy?” You asked confused 

“Given the past circumstances I’d say you would agree with the statement y/n.” He turned around with a slight smile at the sight of your unamused face.

“Are you two ever not going to address that?” You turned around to see John stood behind you looking shocked that Sherlock even attempted physical contact.

“Actually we-“ 

“Nope no, we’re not.” You cut Sherlock off before he could mention how you rejected his offer after nearly three years of basically worshipping him. You left the room leaving Sherlock to explain his master idea to John and retried to your bedroom hoping to sleep off this unruly hangover. Hopefully you would sleep so much you would miss the wedding you so desperately wanted to avoid.

..............................................................................................................................

A/N: all i'm going to say is this chapter is the filler before the best chapters come up, i'm very excited for the next few chapters. let me know if you want to be tagged. Thanks for reading <3

[daughterofhecata]

for the fic writer meme: 3, 4, 5, 9, 11, 12, 13, 37, 48? (sorry, i'm just curious!)

[questions for fic writers]

That's fine! Thanks!

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

...looooots of Enemies to Lovers, and Age Gaps, and [Friends/Colleagues/Enemies/etc] with Benefits, Casual Sex, D/s Undertones (or overtones xD), fun things like that. I think something that especially shows up in a lot of smutty one shots really is the sex without an attached relationship or romantic feelings, or at least not centered around that, because I simply am very aromantic and I like my no-strings-attached smut fics, and I especially like it with Cotta/one of the boys, because they can be soft and sweet with each other without the possibility of a romance looming in the background. (I really need to write some explicitly aromantic Cotta at some point.)

4. What detail in [insert fic] are you really proud of?

[this is a little hard without a fic! because have you seen how many fics I have posted? I'm just an indecisive little me! /lighthearted] But I am pretty proud of getting Bob|Stan's feeling of intoxication across in "because hell is empty", I think that went pretty well!

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about [insert fic]? Answer it now!

Why did I stuff "Necessary Tragedies" full of references and metaphors? Because I thought it was fun and because I wanted to see if I could do something more "literary" and worthy of analyzation!

9. How do you find new fic to read?

just answered!

11. Are you partial to a certain character/pairing or are you more equal-opportunity? If you are partial to any character/pairing, why do you think that is?

I mean. I'm both a big fan of specific characters/pairings but also writing A Lot of different ones. My favourites are probably Peter/Skinny (for the enemies to lovers, the hate sex, the secrecy because they don't want their friends to know they're sleeping with each other, the violence, the downright unsafe kink shit, the possessiveness, the humilition, etc), Peter/Cotta (for the fun, easy, responsible no-strings-attached sex, for decent communication and the opportunities for cuddling without romantic undertones, for the nice age gap and more responsible kinky fun, the softness and intimacy of knowing each other for quite some time already but also not heading towards anything relationship-y), Cotta/Skinny (for Skinny's idiocy colliding with Cotta's grumpiness, for them riling each other up, for Cotta doing things he really shouldn't and for Skinny to get *some* gentleness in his life, for the way they actually get along as soon as they get over "petty criminal vs cop") and Cotta/Goodween (for the gentleness, the domesticity, the very adult way of interacting, the care between them, sometimes the pining and idiots in love too). Which also answers the question for my fave characters - Skinny and Cotta, by far. Skinny because he's a shithead and just so much fun, Cotta because a) I relate to him a lot, probably the character I'm most alike to, and b) he's very, very simply My Type. xD

12. Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you? / 13. Are there any tropes you used to like but don’t anymore?

both already answered, and can't really think of any more rn

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it?

hmm... "this morning" (ff.de/ao3) probably is one of them. It's not shippy and pretty introspective, so of course it didn't get much attention, but I like it for very personal reasons. It's just Cotta contemplating his job, because I sometimes need to grapple with him being a cop and his relationship to/with the police (system), with all the problems it has, especially the racism, but also the corruption and "us against them (everyone else)" mentality; generally the toxicity of the police as an institution. And I really like the beginning especially, starting it off with this constricting, slightly too-tight undershirt.

48. What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

(Thank the gods for the ao3 history!) It was "Bobby" by @pointwhitmark (apparently I've already visited it 15 fucking times! who knew!) and uh. yeah. as you can probably guess from the amount of times I've read it, I *absolutely* recommend it, for the sheer mindfuck and the absolutely *delightful* (and, frankly, way too sexy) dark!Cotta, but also. Mind the tags and warnings. Mind. The. Tags. And. Warnings. (Also, it's ao3 locked, so if you don't have an account you won't be able to see it. Which *gets on soap box* is one of the reasons you (general you) should all get an ao3 account, even if you're "just" reading! You're missing out on so much fic! And it's getting more every day since AI scraping ao3 and people subsequently locking their fic!)

[andvys]

It's the fact that you keep telling people to move on if they don't like it but we do like it. We LOVE it. We want to keep reading because the story is amazing. But It's just that some people have a harder time adapting to change and managing their expectations when it comes to things like this than others do. I'm not saying you have to cater to the audience or change what you want to do or even that their issues with expectations and change should be put onto you. It shouldn't. All I'm saying is, as a reader that loves the story and really hopes it leans one way and not the other, please don't dangle false hope and just be honest about which way you're going to go once you decide so that we can then decide if we want to move on. I don't want to move on now because I might miss the end to the best (insert my favorite character here) story ever! Don't ask us for input if you're going to get annoyed when we give it pretty decisively and you ignore it only to ask again a bit later. Because yes that feels like you didn't like the answer and asked again hoping for a different one. Also, yes, the fact that the first poll got a Steve result and the second an Eddie makes it obvious that the polls don't matter and won't influence you. Which is fine. But ask yourself, if you did a 3rd one and obviously one character would win 2/3, would you then choose that character because it's clear what's wanted or are you going to just do what you want? Because if it's the latter, then again absolutely fine! But please, as that other anon said, stop giving us the illusion of swaying you in favor of one character or another. I am grateful you're taking the time to write this story and I don't want you to think I'm not. I understand you could just quit and after today I wouldn't blame you. Bit right now as a reader that's been following along since the beginning I'm just feeling a little defeated by the indecisiveness after letting you know many times my opinion when you've asked.

I get annoyed with rude people, not with people who kindly tell me their opinions or the ending that they favor! I don’t mind people coming into my inbox hoping for a Steve/Eddie ending or to talk about the story.

But I get angry when people come into my inbox and attack me over a damn fanfiction, demand answers or ignore all the things I’ve repeatedly said before and claim to know what I want when I haven’t even decided yet.

Some people keep coming into my inbox saying that I already decided that it’s gonna be an Eddie ending when I never even said that?

[confessionsofareindeer]

Listen, I get the show is cringey at times, that it's for teens and their friends and hopefully their families too, it shouldn't be a savior or the end all be all of queer rep, it's silly, they go out and drink milkshakes and sleep in tents outside for birthdays and ignore for the most part the politicization of being a queer teen except for when it's needed for the plot and I so deeply respect that, it shows kids being kids and I thank the queer gods that it isn't the sanitized storytelling of Love, Simon that people have made it out to be. But tell me why we couldn't get this one thing, why the ace and aro teens couldn't get something that talks about allonormativity a topic that needs to be so deeply explained instead of this, and trust me, I love that Issac told Charlie he could go look it up, but he shouldn't have even had to do that, don't make our main character dumb when he's not, he said knew asexual, clearly being aro is the romantic equivalent. All of Issac's character is cool, but it feels almost overdone at this point, with Jame's and the subtle aphobia of his friends who really don't get how he feels, I don't know, maybe it's because I've lived it and most of the ace media I see feels in this same vein, I just expected better from a new character who didn't have an already written plot, they could have done anything with him, and now he's just the token ace.

I don't want people who think their's something wrong with them for being aspec, I like in these shows when people experiment with labels and attraction, but I also just want someone is confidently ace, or that finds out what it means to be aro and finally feels validated for not being interested in people, I want someone to push the boundries of what being aromantic means the way people actually are the ones who don't fit into the little societal boxes, which is what the show is all about, not to even start be wishful and ask for a character that's just aromantic, or just ace, or like Tori is supposed to be ace and and complexly arospec, but still has something going on with Micheal, in a queer way where the people in the relationship fine it, not societal standards. I kind of wanted the show to question more of what a romantic relationship even looks like, because, honestly, I'm sure I even know.

All the Tumblr aspecs are aware of the trenches of the stupidity of the infighting and microlabels that come with understanding and interacting in digital queer space, but I wish we could see some of that, the overwhelming forcefield that's kind of alienating but also tells you you can be anything, I want to see the screenshots of 20 different pride flags with their definitions and names from the MOGAI years on Pinterest or the images section online. We have the Am I Gay Quiz jokes, but show me someone who is too indecisive to fill them out, who get X on the kinsey scale. I want more, I want friendships like Tori and Micheal that lean into something that, yeah looks like dating to straight people, but manages to defy their heteronormative labels, like what's vaguely discussed by Micheal at the table but manages to be outweighed by it being what looks to be blatantly cut out as Charlie and Tori talking on the ferris wheel because Tori doesn't even say 'we're not a straight couple' but just 'we're not a couple', and that's so infuriating.

And you know what, maybe it's cinematic and creative and it'll all work out in the next season, maybe it'll all be thought out and there just wasn't enough time for it in the episode, maybe the glimmer in Issac's eye when Charlie says he doesn't know if they're dating is foreshadowing, but it could just be my naive aspec heart seeing what I want. To me it looks like they decided this was something the audience wouldn't get so they chose to leave it out, I want to believe so they wouldn't ruin it, but probably just to avoid the ultra complex queerness that comes with a disregard for labeling and an abolishionist mentality. Which comes to the point of me begging creators to trust that their audience isn't stupid and that if they are ignorant on this, they can spend 20 seconds looking it up like they had Charlie do (in an unbelievable scenario). They have such a big audience at this point, so can't we use it to teach people this time, things that aren't as easily accessible in information, the stuff that ends up in academic queer theory and pot smokers, the things that confuse people and use the medium to explain it.

I also feel like I can see a future of this show that I won't like that might follow this season, if my understanding is correct. I think we'll end up having some sort of QPR (queer platonic relationship, if you don't understand what this is, this next part may confuse you, basically the committed thing a lot of aspec and poly people find to be a good alternative to typical or traditional romantic relationships that have their own rules defined by the people in them). Originally, I hoped we'd see one with Tori and Micheal because to me that's what they're reminiscent of, I have a feeling we might see this with James and Issac instead, they'll develop a deeper relationship in place of romance, since James was looking for someone to be closer with and already really likes Issac, and Issac needs someone to have more devotion to him, instead of leaving a single person in something that is not parallel to a romance, which would be annoying. Because they're also clearly setting up for Sahar and Imogen to be something, if we were all paying attention, I see through the remaining friends bit. I get it, and yet, god forbid someone be on their own and happy, as we see Issac have a common aspec breakdown of seeing the trauma of heteronormative society fall onto him and have his reality slightly collapse, I want this to work out, and be good, but I'm so scared that they'll fall into a trap of trying to please the straights and the allos like they already are. Yet again we see all the characters in a show the victim of being coupled off at least symbolically, if I'm right.

All this for what, it's television after all, we have real lives, some better than others, but we waste them sitting at computers and TVs to escape just to be drawn back in, because even the fantasy is disappointing, I encourage everyone who just read my rant to think hard about all of this, give me your opinion, but remember this is severely online of a take and that maybe you should go do something not related to Tumblr that makes you happy, read a book or do a craft or something, eat a vegetable and drink water.

(2/2)

Edit: I take back what I said about everyone being in a relationship like every other show, because I really do love the way friendship is one of the focal points of the show and I don't want to ignore that, I'm just worried that they're going to ignore the original plots of some of the characters and there are already so few aro or ace characters in media

I saw the thing about Alice Oseman saying she was saving Tori's ace arc for next season, a little while after I wrote this, I sort of think that makes sense, even if it's still disappointing and if you hadn't seen that you'd be thinking the same thing as me, remember this was an incredibly reactionary rant that I wrote an hour after watching the show, anyway, I think a lot of my points still stand, I think there's a lot they could still do, and a lot they haven't, I'm annoyed, but it's not the end of the world

Not to like totally rant but like let's get this out of the way, Season 3 Heartstopper Spoilers:

They kind of ruined the show a little for me with this sad ace rep., the carnival scene takes out the depth of Tori and Micheal's relationship, it makes it look like they're just dating, it cuts out their queerness and just makes them look like a messy straight couple. They barely had any screen time, which is fair, they're just Charlie's sister and the guy that's always around her, (no one even seems to know Micheal despite them having had class with him in the comics, but whatever, Solitaire erasure it is) I wasn't expecting to see all of Solitaire played out on my laptop for me, but I wanted some sort of complexity around aceness and maybe a reference to its existence. But instead, you're telling me a group of queer teenagers needed a fish analogy to understand aromanticsm? Really? In school I only had to tell the cis boys and the girls who stared at me funny what it meant, not my friend group that is majority LGBTQ. I thought this was supposed to be a dreamscape to actually show me and my friends, not-a-water-everything-down-for-the-straights-and-alloscape, that comes with every other story, this was made by a queer person who is aro/ace so why did we end up like this, why did I bother having hope?

I really respect how the storyline made room for Darcy and Elle had trans and non binary identities and that they were expanded upon in the show, I love it really and I think that it felt like things my friends would actually talk about. We have a slight reference to Darcy having an unlabeled gender but even this feels wrapped up as they come out as non binary, I wish it was just all less clean cut, less perfectly fit so that everything works out, do their's and Tara's sexualities shift to reflect changing Lesbian identity in a more inclusive world? Do they decide to be unlabled or does the idiotic queer discourse not exist for them? Can we have people who don't particularly lean one way or the other, or who reject this modern idea that we should fit into the straight designed trap of conformity for the heads to comprehend something outside their simple world of the nuclear family? I want sexualities nuances to be explained like gender's was. Micheal talks about it, so why is there not a large discussion or plot around it? WHy does it end up a somewhat hollow scene?

Maybe my friends and I are weird and philosophical, but we'd spend lunch arguing about this sort of stuff, so I really wish they'd show it, I have the backing of the kids who loved Perks of Being a Wallflower and Catcher and the Rye (don't ask me about that one I haven't actually read it, on principle) that found Solitaire, and all the depressed outsider protaganists a little too relatable for our own good, that maybe Tori and Micheal shouldn't have even kissed in the book because people are only ever going to misinterpret it. So now looking at the show, I guess of course this happened. Tori and Micheals story meant something to me and so yeah, I'm going to be a melodramatic whiner on Tumblr about it.

(1/2)

[rubysunnday]

to climb

A/N: Hello and welcome back to what I like to call: 'Lottie is indecisive" If you have just joined us, hi, hello, I'm taking part in lovely Olive's (@lxncelot) writing challenge! This is fic 2 of three (again, I am indecisive) and all three are based off the prompts from Olive's dialogue and song prompt list!

Prompts: 1) "I'll be careful." | 15) “You so owe me one, after tonight.” | 18,“Your laugh is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.” | 21 “You’re going to hate this, but I have to let go.” | hills to climb — tim myers

Fic 1 | Fic 2 | Fic 3

"You've essentially given him spending money, Kaz."

"Hey, money is money, Y/N dear," Jesper said, putting an arm around her shoulders.

Y/N rolled her eyes. She looked back at Kaz. "So, you're giving us the night off to go to the festival?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you and Jesper have been annoying me all week about going," Kaz said, barely glancing up at her. "Now, run along, go play."

Jesper snatched up Y/N's hand and dragged her out of Kaz's office, ignoring her mutters of protest.

"Don't question a night off, Y/M, darling," Jesper said as he pulled her in front of him, forcing her down a step so that she was shorter than him. He put his hands on either side of her face, smushing it up. "Now, let's go party."

Y/N allowed herself to be dragged down the stairs and into the street by Jesper, her hand in his. The festival had already reached the Barrel and people dressed as Mister Crimson and the Lost Bride as well as many more Ketterdam myths streamed through the streets, waving banners and ribbons around.

"We should dress up."

"No, we shouldn't," Y/N said, finally gaining her hand back from Jesper as he wandered over to a stall selling costumes.

Jesper turned around to face her, holding up a Mister Crimson cloak to his chest. "Oh, come on, we never get to do anything fun!"

Y/N approached the stall and ran a hand over the fold silks. Jesper leant into her, resting his chin on her shoulder. She turned her head to look at him and as he gave her a smile, she booped him on the nose.

"Fine, I'll dress up," she said, relenting at his puppy eyes.

"Excellent, here," Jesper threw a costume at her, hitting her in the face, "put that one on."

Y/N held the costume up, looking at it. "Why this one?"

"Blue is your colour," Jesper said, without missing a beat. He turned back to face her, putting a veil and then the flower crown of the Lost Bride on her head. "Tada."

Y/N glared at him through the sheer material as he gave her a smirking smile. He patted her cheek through the fabric and dramatically swung the Mister Crimson cape around his shoulders.

"You look even more ridiculous than usual," Y/N drawled.

"It's called style, dear," Jesper said, flinging his cloak over one shoulder only for it to fall back off his shoulder.

Y/N rolled her eyes at him. She looked around and spotted a changing room behind the stall - it was technically just a pile of crates on top of one another to create a barrier, but it worked. As Jesper was busy flirting with himself in the mirror, Y/N ducked behind the crates and changed into the Lost Bride costume.

It was nothing more than a white and grey dress with a blue silk cape - but the veil and flower crown of blues roses completed the design. Out of all the costumes of the Komedie Brute, the Lost Bride was probably the most pretty to look at.

"I can barely see where I'm going," Y/N called as she stepped out from behind the crates. "This veil is not conducive to decent vision."

"Saints, Y/N," Jesper whispered, his eyes on her and her alone.

Y/N turned to face him. "I look ridiculous, don't I?"

"No, no, no, you look beautiful," Jesper said quickly, approaching her. He lifted the veil off her face, laying it down over her head. "It suits you."

Y/N shoved him. "Stop, it," she said, walking away and down the street.

"I'm telling the truth!" Jesper exclaimed, chasing after her. "When do I ever lie to you?"

Y/N looked at him over her shoulder, eyebrows raised as she gave him a look.

"Ok, when do I ever lie to you about how you look?" Jesper corrected. "You always look lovely."

"And you could flirt with dirt," Y/N replied, pausing at a stall and looking at the freshly cooked food. She handed over some kruge to the owner and picked up a plate, picking at it as she resumed walking.

"I could but I don't," Jesper said, catching up to her. "I think saying I flirt with everything is a bit of an exaggeration."

"You flirted with Kaz last night."

"And? It worked, I got what I wanted."

Y/N stopped and turned to look at him. "Which was what, exactly?"

"To have tonight off with you," Jesper replied, smirking. "I have plans to woo you."

"Oh, for -" Y/N shook her head and kept walking, making a beeline to the harbour wall.

"Is my wooing working?"

"No!" Y/N exclaimed.

Jesper sighed. He waited for Y/N to sit before joining her, swinging his legs over the side of the wall, letting them dangle. Y/N kept eating her food, savouring each bite as they looked out over the water.

"My father still thinks I'm at University," Jesper said suddenly, his eyes focused on his hands.

Y/N turned her head to look at him, chewing slowly. "He doesn't know about any of this?"

Jesper shook his head. "I haven't had the heart to tell him differently. We both knew that I wasn't destined for farming life. And as a thank you... I used up all of the money he gave me."

"Jesper, the fact that you have a gambling addiction isn't your fault," Y/N said softly. "We all have demons that have made themselves at home in our deepest wounds. Maybe... telling him would help you conquer it and get better."

"Maybe." Jesper clapped his hands. "What about you? Do you miss your parents?"

"Sometimes. I get homesick for the life I had but... I guess there's a strength in letting go. In moving on. I tend to romanticise my life before Ketterdam - choosing to remember only the good bits and forget the bad."

Jesper nodded. "My Pa writes to me every month. I've had to get Kaz to start intercepting the mail to avoid him finding out."

"I want to be there the day your father realises that his son is a sharpshooting criminal in love with another criminal."

Jesper shoved Y/N and she burst out laughing as she nearly fell off the wall.

"Saints," Jesper said softly, watching her as she brushed her hair back, a smile of laughter on her face. "Your laugh is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard."

Y/N ducked her head, smiling even more. "Ok, now I know you're flirting with me."

"Flirting is just complimenting."

"And complimenting is just lying."

"I'm not lying," Jesper said firmly, taking Y/N's hand in his. "I think your laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. It beats the sound of my revolvers, of money clattering on to tables, of the gambling halls - all of it."

Y/N looked at Jesper, meeting his eyes. He leant in closer to her, resting his forehead against hers. She relaxed into him, closing her eyes. For a moment, it was just the two of them.

"Jesper."

"Yes, darling?"

"You're going to hate this, but I have to let go."

Jesper opened his eyes, frowning. "Why?"

"Because I'm about to fall of this wall," Y/N muttered, taking her hand back and pushing herself back onto the sea wall. "I don't particularly want to go swimming."

Jesper burst out laughing, leaning back as he did so. Y/N smiled at him, her eyes scrunching up as she did so. She looked over her shoulder as she heard a band start up near the Exchange and her eyes widened.

"Come on!" Y/N yelled, jumping over the wall in a flurry of blue and white, snatching Jesper's hand as she did so.

"Where are we going?" Jesper asked, chasing after Y/N as she took off running, her veil flying behind her.

Y/N weaved through the crowd and into the Exchange, standing on the edge of the crowd that had gathered.

A band sat just to the side of the small platform set in the middle of the Exchange - typically for announcements or the bigger stalls - playing a lively folk tune. The crowd - which was mainly tourists and a few Ketterdam natives - were watching and clapping along.

But Y/n wanted to dance.

As Jesper caught up to her, she dropped her veil, leaving the flower crown on her head. She looked up at him with hope in her eyes.

"I ain't dancing," Jesper said, shaking his head.

"Fine, I'll do it myself," Y/N said, not taking no for an answer. "I'll be careful," she added, winking at him.

Jesper tried to grab her as she ducked into the space and began dancing around the mosaic of a compass set into the floor of the Exchange, not a single care in the world.

Jesper just watched. And as he watched, the children who'd also been watching joined Y/N in the middle, giggling as they all danced around each other. Y/n was in the middle, spinning around in a chaotic swirl of blue, grey and white.

He didn't even see Y/N approach him and drag him into the circle until they were dancing together, spinning around the Exchange without giving a shit. Jesper spun Y/N around, holding her hand as she twirled around.

It wasn't often that they got to act like the children they actually were. Ketterdam didn't allow them. But for just three minutes, Jesper and Y/N were allowed to act their age and enjoy it.

Y/N burst out laughing as she landed in Jesper's arms, the song ending with a bang of drums. She dropped her head onto his chest, her shoulders shaking as she laughed.

"You so owe me one, after tonight," Jesper said, chuckling as he and Y/N faded back into the crowd, their moment over. "Never again, that was exhausting."

Y/N linked her arm through Jesper's as they walked through the streets. "I'm glad I met you, Fahey."

Jesper leant over and pressed a kiss to her head. "I'm glad I met you too, Y/L/N. Life would be so boring without you."

[beckmessering]

This may be unoriginal, but pls rank Wagner operas? <3

rankings killllll me bc i'm an indecisive btch but let the fun begin! in order of least to most loved :)

- der fliegende holländer. i do not vibe with it. the story is fine but every time i heard it, the music felt too loud (ironic considering some of the later choices on this list). there are two (2) parts i like and that'll be it for me, sir.

- lohengrin. this is NOT a statement about the quality of lohengrin and rather a statement about my lack of exposure. what i remember was beautiful, i just don't feel i know it enough or listen to it enough to justify giving it a higher rating. but there's a HUGE gap between holländer and lohengrin, so lohengrin is appreciated <3

- tristan und isolde. same as with lohengrin. i only recently reintroduced myself to it after a slightly disastrous first exposure where i didn't understand anything at all, and now i'd love to see more of it but don't feel i've grasped everything about it yet. i want to, though.

- götterdämmerung. i find it gets progressively more fun - the first act is longggggg and drags just *slightly* but things get spicy in the second and third act, where all my favourite musical bits are. also v fun to watch chaos unfold.

- tannhäuser. aka sex, sin, and singing in medieval germany. it was my first wagner opera and not the one i listen to the absolute most right now but i'm very fond of it, especially in productions that go a bit wild (looking at u, bayreuth)

[ entering the territory of Stuff I Have Most Hot Takes About ]

- siegfried. pretty much on par with tannhäuser. the title character annoys me very much and i'm not one for one-act-long love duets (also ironic considering upcoming choices). BUT musically it's very fun and the side characters are smashing (hi, mime) and a well-acted siegfried makes it very enjoyable for me. and the hot takes begin, ofc.

- die meistersinger von nürnberg. this one is a part-time tenant in my head that drops by rather often. i'm very picky about productions here and it's not a good opera for switching off your brain to (stay awake while richard tries to indoctrinate you about GeRmAn ArT, guys) but when i fall in love with a production, i fall HARD. i named my blog after beckmesser, the antagonist of meistersinger, and i shall carry this mantle for ages to come. honestly, come for the baritones.

- das rheingold. is this a comedy? not really. but considering that meistersinger isn't funny once you account for the antisemitism, rheingold is a proper comedy. the decisions made are HILARIOUS when you come to think of it and it's such a weird breakneck adventure. once again, smashing side characters (hellooo, loge), and i personally think it's the most finger-snapping wagner opera. sure, it sets up serious things, but in the right mood it's just unabashedly fun.

- die walküre. walküre kicked lots of other operas in the shins and got this spot. i'll spare you the story of how i started to like it, but i am very in love with it. the irony is that it a) can get very loud in parts and b) consists of at least 30% love duets (and a love story you shouldn't mention in public), which i adore. it's the perfect mix of excellent characters and fucked up decisions and it now lives rent-free in my head 24/7. bonus points for being the second opera that makes me cry on the regular.

- parsifal. the first opera to make me cry on the regular. i'm not that choosy at which part. i genuinely like some themes it explores, unusual as they are, and characters go without saying. it feels like comfort - parsifal in the darkness of my room is tells me everything is okay right now. at the same time, it feels a bit other to me, likely because i've never found anything like it, and it's like briefly seeing the world through a veil. it's like my feet haven't touched the ground after parsifal ends, and i don't want them to.

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Eleventh Letter

----------------

To: Boo Seungkwan

From: Y/N

Dear Seungkwan,

now that school is about to begin again, I've been thinking of you a lot. I just kept reminiscing the sweet moments we had and now, after all that reminiscing, though it's only been a few days since I rejected you, I realized this. I love you.

First things first, how are you? I hope you're doing fine.

Back to what I was saying, after this realization (that I loved you), my heart began to thump out of my chest. I feel so stupid. I'm a college student and yet, why does it seem like I do not know love? I was so sure I didn't like you as a lover but now that you and I aren't seeing each other, I miss you like crazy.

However, as much as I want to see you, I don't think I'll have the courage to talk to you. After I rejected you, I'm sure things are way too awkward between us.

I know you probably don't know this but I looked back on our text messages and sometimes, you were also online. I would see you typing out a message only for you to delete it and not send anything. Inside, I hoped that you would send me a text and see that I was viewing our chat the entire time.

I want to tell you first, I want to do everything first, but for some reason, I can't pick up the courage to do it. I know that maybe it will be better for me to make the first move and confess that I've loved you all along, but I just can't do it. Even after knowing that this love is mutual, I can't do it.

I don't know why either. I believe it's because I truly want to focus on my studies and leave college on a good note. However, at the same time, I wonder if I'm just being cowardly. I have made the first move before and I am quite confident that I can, but I just... I can't. It's a confusing feeling, Seungkwan.

I don't want to be selfish and keep you for myself but I want to be selfish and hope that maybe this selfishness would make both of us happier. We've only known each other for a few months and since summer is so short, the timing wasn't that great for us.

The only way we really met was at the cafe I worked at and the volunteer event that was hosted every week. When we did get to know each other and started hanging out, it still wasn't that much time because you enrolled in summer vocal lessons.

With so little time to get to know you, I'm not confident that we can truly become a good couple. To me, it seems like you and I are complete opposites. You're funny and loud and you can easily brighten any kind of atmosphere meanwhile I just blend in with it.

You told me that you liked me for a while and I'm sorry I didn't notice it. You continued liking me because you wanted to but even so, I feel a bit bad because, in the end, you don't even get to be with me. I like you too, Seungkwan, I just can't confess.

Is it really because I can't? Or I don't want to? I'm not sure and this feeling confuses me as well, I just can't describe it. I've always been indecisive even when I'm confident in my answers, which I know sounds stupid. I am a stupid person. I don't know how to love someone properly and it's my fault.

Anyway, back then, when you were beginning to show interest in me, I should have taken the hint. Was it near spring when you started coming to the cafe?

You would always crack a joke whenever I was the one who delivered you your coffee or took your order, and every single one of them made me smile, giggle, and laugh. I should have looked a bit closer at your expressions when you told those jokes. It wasn't until later during summer that I started noticing your sparkling eyes, heart-fluttering smile, and the way you gazed at me.

I think our romance involved only around time. When I spent time with you, I felt like I could spend all the time in the world with you, but eventually, reality hit me. We met during the summer and I have my final year of college coming soon, would being with you be a benefit? No, it shouldn't be a benefit.

Love is about loving someone just because. It's not about benefits. I think now, as I'm writing this letter, I've come to a conclusion. I just don't want to confess to you.

I think it's because I don't want the hardship of a relationship. It's not that I loved you any less than everyone else I fell for, because I do love you, but I don't want to have a relationship. My career path is chosen and I'm creating a road in front of me, will I have time for you?

Every relationship comes with hardships and sweet moments. Would the hardships be worth the sweetness? I think it will, but right now, I have to be the one who knows myself best; and I know that I need to be able to focus. Love can either help me or interfere with school.

It's not going to be easy for both of us. You told me that you wanted to go to graduate school and that you're also currently in college. If we did start dating, it would have been hard anyway. After college, I'm also going to graduate school, and I plan to go to one far far away from here.

Even if we decide that a relationship isn't for us, I want you to remember the sweet times we had. In that little time, you made me so happy without me even realizing it.

Whenever you volunteered, you were one of the hardest workers. I also always wanted to compliment your hands because to me, they looked so beautiful.

Sometimes when I needed help putting on an apron, you would not hesitate to help me. I would remember how you placed down everything and came to me to help when you saw me struggling. Instead of awkward silence, you talked to me casually while tying the strands behind my back, your touch so gentle.

That's why whenever I saw you struggling, I wanted to help too. Sorry I couldn't keep a conversation though, the silence between us was a bit awkward, but for some reason, it was also sweet. You thanked me afterward with your voice all shy and at that moment, I was a bit surprised by your cute expression and hidden shy nature.

Well, of course, I got to see more of it too.

Remember when that grandma told us we looked good together? It was during a volunteer event where we run a coffee truck and give out freebies from the cafe. You and I were operating the freebies section with a few others and an old granny came up to us.

Her eyes were a beautiful brown and she had her hair tied in a bun. She gave us such a sweet smile as we handed her the free cookie.

“I want this for my grandson,” She said, smiling sweetly.

“Your grandson? Then take another one!” You replied. You're such a smooth speaker. You can get along well with anyone, I envy you, Seungkwan.

“Really? Thank you, you must be a great son.”

As she was about to leave, her back slouched, she turned back and said, “By the way, you two match each other quite well. Are you guys perhaps...”

I remember you glancing at me with a gentle smile the shaking it off shyly. “No, we aren't...”

She apologized with another smile and then left.

It was that night that you confessed to me.

You offered to take me home and under a streetlight, you told me while scratching your head shyly, “I like you, Y/N.”

I wasn't sure of my feelings then, that's why I agreed when you offered to take me on three dates to see if I would change my mind; thinking about it makes me smile because all those three dates were fun, memorable, and warmly sweet.

The first date we went on was a bit awkward at first, but it was mainly fun. You took me to an arcade where we played a variety of games. You were extremely competitive and naturally funny. You made me laugh a lot that day and you made me comfortable. I enjoyed the time with you.

For our second date, you took me to a volleyball game. You continued rambling on and on about how much you loved sports. Even though you were just talking and watching the game, I didn't feel bored. Since you were so into the game, I became interested in it too.

After the volleyball game, you took me to a stadium and helped me learn to play. At first, each bounce would get you worried that I hurt my hand. You would keep brushing your fingers against mine. Playing volleyball was fun with you too, Seungkwan.

Our last, third date was at the amusement park. You were scared of many rides but got through with it because of me, you said. I found it cute whenever you were whining or sulking. I'm glad that you were being yourself around me.

When you were sending me home after that date, you asked me to hold hands. Your voice was so quiet and shy that I almost didn't hear you. I could tell that you were a bit doubtful that I would comply, and when I did let you hold my hand, you were smiling so brightly. I can't forget that shy, bright, beautiful smile.

Your hand was so warm.

We continued to see each other because you're a regular at the cafe. You order the same Americano.

After a few days of letting me think, you finally came up to me as I was leaving the cafe.

“Y/N,” You said, your voice sounding somewhat hopeful. “About my confession...”

I was quiet because, at that moment, I didn't have my feelings sorted out yet. I just thought that the timing wasn't right and that I shouldn't be in a relationship, and that I should focus on preparing for my last year of college.

Stupidly, I replied, “I'm sorry, Seungkwan.”

I could tell you were hurt. I couldn't explain any further about how much I liked you because I was idiotic and didn't realize it.

“It's okay. It's completely fine. I respect your choice... do you want me to walk you home?”

You continued smiling at me and talking with me but you sounded so hurt so I sent you away.

My father told me, when I visited him in the hospital a few days ago, that love is all about timing. With the amount of time we had and the amount of time we were going to get, it didn't seem like it was going to be a flower road.

The timing wasn't right.

If only I had met you not during the summer, but during a time where I had all the time in the world to spend with you... If only I had time.

I don't want to forget the memories we made. I know I'm a bit foolish and this bitter ending is partially my fault. I didn't have the right timing back then, now, and even in the future, I just know it.

Now, all I can do is sigh and reminisce.

-----------------

If only there was more time for us, maybe love could have been expandable.

From,

Y/N

© serenityseventeen

7/8/21 - 11:09 am

a/n: I have to go take a test later because I'm moving to a public (high) school... I'm nervous but I'm sure it'd be fine. + Hoshi getting scared while practicing spider is so funny lol