#should've realized my limits and known we couldn't handle helping as much as we tried to
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mom and brother came by for a visit for easter
ended up kinda breaking down around them which absolutely i do not wanna be doing but my god is my situation so fucking dire in so many ways right now
#financially physical healthily mental healthily#in so many specific ways amongst each of those categories#i am just...#things just feel really fucking hopeless lately and i don't know that it's possible for them to get better#because so much of what is causing me issue is so far beyond my own control#it's shit like the economy and whatever#and i don't have any control over that shit#i just got fucked by the way my life ended up turning out#and trying to help other people has put me in a worse position than i was before and i hate to admit that#cause it's absolutely the right thing to do to help other people but#i just#should've realized my limits and known we couldn't handle helping as much as we tried to#and i'm just so fucked#and i'm like#trying again to get out on the Apps and meet people#but i just don't know that i can possibly see any kind of future at this point even if i did find a partner and get my financial situation..#... sorted out#and my physical health is gonna kill me by the time i'm like 40 so what's even the point in trying to go on like this any-fucking-way#and i've lived a hopeless enough life up to this point that i know that's just depression talking and things will get better even if i can't#see a future at the moment and there is actually hope even if it feels hopeless and blah blah blah#but god sometimes you just gotta feel it#and sometimes you just gotta consider what if it's true#what if trying to tell myself this is all just depression and there really is hope is just a lie after all to make me feel better#what if it actually is hopeless#i won't even have the dignity of dying in a ditch wearing a clown costume or anything like that#i'll die slowly and painfully from something completely preventable and locked in the tomb of my own apartment#rented out at way above the cost it takes to maintain the place#so#fuck me i guess#eri blogs life
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