#should i change it to ‘stats’ in general instead…? yeah i think i’ll do that.

[deus-ex-mona]

cutest gamer in the world…

[blackwoolncrown]

”This essay has been kicking around in my head for years now and I’ve never felt confident enough to write it. It’s a time in my life I’m ashamed of. It’s a time that I hurt people and, through inaction, allowed others to be hurt. It’s a time that I acted as a violent agent of capitalism and white supremacy. Under the guise of public safety, I personally ruined people’s lives but in so doing, made the public no safer… so did the family members and close friends of mine who also bore the badge alongside me.

But enough is enough.

The reforms aren’t working. Incrementalism isn’t happening. Unarmed Black, indigenous, and people of color are being killed by cops in the streets and the police are savagely attacking the people protesting these murders.

American policing is a thick blue tumor strangling the life from our communities and if you don’t believe it when the poor and the marginalized say it, if you don’t believe it when you see cops across the country shooting journalists with less-lethal bullets and caustic chemicals, maybe you’ll believe it when you hear it straight from the pig’s mouth.”

>>Copied here in case anyone gets paywalled when they click the above. The full article is...a lot.<<

WHY AM I WRITING THIS

As someone who went through the training, hiring, and socialization of a career in law enforcement, I wanted to give a first-hand account of why I believe police officers are the way they are. Not to excuse their behavior, but to explain it and to indict the structures that perpetuate it.

I believe that if everyone understood how we’re trained and brought up in the profession, it would inform the demands our communities should be making of a new way of community safety. If I tell you how we were made, I hope it will empower you to unmake us.

One of the other reasons I’ve struggled to write this essay is that I don’t want to center the conversation on myself and my big salty boo-hoo feelings about my bad choices. It’s a toxic white impulse to see atrocities and think “How can I make this about me?” So, I hope you’ll take me at my word that this account isn’t meant to highlight me, but rather the hundred thousand of me in every city in the country. It’s about the structure that made me (that I chose to pollute myself with) and it’s my meager contribution to the cause of radical justice.

YES, ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS

I was a police officer in a major metropolitan area in California with a predominantly poor, non-white population (with a large proportion of first-generation immigrants). One night during briefing, our watch commander told us that the city council had requested a new zero tolerance policy. Against murderers, drug dealers, or child predators?

No, against homeless people collecting cans from recycling bins.

See, the city had some kickback deal with the waste management company where waste management got paid by the government for our expected tonnage of recycling. When homeless people “stole” that recycling from the waste management company, they were putting that cheaper contract in peril. So, we were to arrest as many recyclers as we could find.

Even for me, this was a stupid policy and I promptly blew Sarge off. But a few hours later, Sarge called me over to assist him. He was detaining a 70 year old immigrant who spoke no English, who he’d seen picking a coke can out of a trash bin. He ordered me to arrest her for stealing trash. I said, “Sarge, c’mon, she’s an old lady.” He said, “I don’t give a shit. Hook her up, that’s an order.” And… I did. She cried the entire way to the station and all through the booking process. I couldn’t even comfort her because I didn’t speak Spanish. I felt disgusting but I was ordered to make this arrest and I wasn’t willing to lose my job for her.

If you’re tempted to feel sympathy for me, don’t. I used to happily hassle the homeless under other circumstances. I researched obscure penal codes so I could arrest people in homeless encampments for lesser known crimes like “remaining too close to railroad property” (369i of the California Penal Code). I used to call it “planting warrant seeds” since I knew they wouldn’t make their court dates and we could arrest them again and again for warrant violations.

We used to have informal contests for who could cite or arrest someone for the weirdest law. DUI on a bicycle, non-regulation number of brooms on your tow truck (27700(a)(1) of the California Vehicle Code)… shit like that. For me, police work was a logic puzzle for arresting people, regardless of their actual threat to the community. As ashamed as I am to admit it, it needs to be said: stripping people of their freedom felt like a game to me for many years.

I know what you’re going to ask: did I ever plant drugs? Did I ever plant a gun on someone? Did I ever make a false arrest or file a false report? Believe it or not, the answer is no. Cheating was no fun, I liked to get my stats the “legitimate” way. But I knew officers who kept a little baggie of whatever or maybe a pocket knife that was a little too big in their war bags (yeah, we called our dufflebags “war bags”…). Did I ever tell anybody about it? No I did not. Did I ever confess my suspicions when cocaine suddenly showed up in a gang member’s jacket? No I did not.

In fact, let me tell you about an extremely formative experience: in my police academy class, we had a clique of around six trainees who routinely bullied and harassed other students: intentionally scuffing another trainee’s shoes to get them in trouble during inspection, sexually harassing female trainees, cracking racist jokes, and so on. Every quarter, we were to write anonymous evaluations of our squadmates. I wrote scathing accounts of their behavior, thinking I was helping keep bad apples out of law enforcement and believing I would be protected. Instead, the academy staff read my complaints to them out loud and outed me to them and never punished them, causing me to get harassed for the rest of my academy class. That’s how I learned that even police leadership hates rats. That’s why no one is “changing things from the inside.” They can’t, the structure won’t allow it.

And that’s the point of what I’m telling you. Whether you were my sergeant, legally harassing an old woman, me, legally harassing our residents, my fellow trainees bullying the rest of us, or “the bad apples” illegally harassing “shitbags”, we were all in it together. I knew cops that pulled women over to flirt with them. I knew cops who would pepper spray sleeping bags so that homeless people would have to throw them away. I knew cops that intentionally provoked anger in suspects so they could claim they were assaulted. I was particularly good at winding people up verbally until they lashed out so I could fight them. Nobody spoke out. Nobody stood up. Nobody betrayed the code.

None of us protected the people (you) from bad cops.

This is why “All cops are bastards.” Even your uncle, even your cousin, even your mom, even your brother, even your best friend, even your spouse, even me. Because even if they wouldn’t Do The Thing themselves, they will almost never rat out another officer who Does The Thing, much less stop it from happening.

BASTARD 101

I could write an entire book of the awful things I’ve done, seen done, and heard others bragging about doing. But, to me, the bigger question is “How did it get this way?”. While I was a police officer in a city 30 miles from where I lived, many of my fellow officers were from the community and treated their neighbors just as badly as I did. While every cop’s individual biases come into play, it’s the profession itself that is toxic, and it starts from day 1 of training.

Every police academy is different but all of them share certain features: taught by old cops, run like a paramilitary bootcamp, strong emphasis on protecting yourself more than anyone else. The majority of my time in the academy was spent doing aggressive physical training and watching video after video after video of police officers being murdered on duty.

I want to highlight this: nearly everyone coming into law enforcement is bombarded with dash cam footage of police officers being ambushed and killed. Over and over and over. Colorless VHS mortality plays, cops screaming for help over their radios, their bodies going limp as a pair of tail lights speed away into a grainy black horizon. In my case, with commentary from an old racist cop who used to brag about assaulting Black Panthers.

To understand why all cops are bastards, you need to understand one of the things almost every training officer told me when it came to using force:

“I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6.”

Meaning, “I’ll take my chances in court rather than risk getting hurt”. We’re able to think that way because police unions are extremely overpowered and because of the generous concept of Qualified Immunity, a legal theory which says a cop generally can’t be held personally liable for mistakes they make doing their job in an official capacity.

When you look at the actions of the officers who killed George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, David McAtee, Mike Brown, Tamir Rice, Philando Castile, Eric Garner, or Freddie Gray, remember that they, like me, were trained to recite “I’d rather be judged by 12” as a mantra. Even if Mistakes Were Made™, the city (meaning the taxpayers, meaning you) pays the settlement, not the officer.

Once police training has - through repetition, indoctrination, and violent spectacle - promised officers that everyone in the world is out to kill them, the next lesson is that your partners are the only people protecting you. Occasionally, this is even true: I’ve had encounters turn on me rapidly to the point I legitimately thought I was going to die, only to have other officers come and turn the tables.

One of the most important thought leaders in law enforcement is Col. Dave Grossman, a “killologist” who wrote an essay called “Sheep, Wolves, and Sheepdogs”. Cops are the sheepdogs, bad guys are the wolves, and the citizens are the sheep (!). Col. Grossman makes sure to mention that to a stupid sheep, sheepdogs look more like wolves than sheep, and that’s why they dislike you.

This “they hate you for protecting them and only I love you, only I can protect you” tactic is familiar to students of abuse. It’s what abusers do to coerce their victims into isolation, pulling them away from friends and family and ensnaring them in the abuser’s toxic web. Law enforcement does this too, pitting the officer against civilians. “They don’t understand what you do, they don’t respect your sacrifice, they just want to get away with crimes. You’re only safe with us.”

I think the Wolves vs. Sheepdogs dynamic is one of the most important elements as to why officers behave the way they do. Every single second of my training, I was told that criminals were not a legitimate part of their community, that they were individual bad actors, and that their bad actions were solely the result of their inherent criminality. Any concept of systemic trauma, generational poverty, or white supremacist oppression was either never mentioned or simply dismissed. After all, most people don’t steal, so anyone who does isn’t “most people,” right? To us, anyone committing a crime deserved anything that happened to them because they broke the “social contract.” And yet, it was never even a question as to whether the power structure above them was honoring any sort of contract back.

Understand: Police officers are part of the state monopoly on violence and all police training reinforces this monopoly as a cornerstone of police work, a source of honor and pride. Many cops fantasize about getting to kill someone in the line of duty, egged on by others that have. One of my training officers told me about the time he shot and killed a mentally ill homeless man wielding a big stick. He bragged that he “slept like a baby” that night. Official training teaches you how to be violent effectively and when you’re legally allowed to deploy that violence, but “unofficial training” teaches you to desire violence, to expand the breadth of your violence without getting caught, and to erode your own compassion for desperate people so you can justify punitive violence against them.

HOW TO BE A BASTARD

I have participated in some of these activities personally, others are ones I either witnessed personally or heard officers brag about openly. Very, very occasionally, I knew an officer who was disciplined or fired for one of these things.

Police officers will lie about the law, about what’s illegal, or about what they can legally do to you in order to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Police officers will lie about feeling afraid for their life to justify a use of force after the fact.

Police officers will lie and tell you they’ll file a police report just to get you off their back.

Police officers will lie that your cooperation will “look good for you” in court, or that they will “put in a good word for you with the DA.” The police will never help you look good in court.

Police officers will lie about what they see and hear to access private property to conduct unlawful searches.

Police officers will lie and say your friend already ratted you out, so you might as well rat them back out. This is almost never true.

Police officers will lie and say you’re not in trouble in order to get you to exit a location or otherwise make an arrest more convenient for them.

Police officers will lie and say that they won’t arrest you if you’ll just “be honest with them” so they know what really happened.

Police officers will lie about their ability to seize the property of friends and family members to coerce a confession.

Police officers will write obviously bullshit tickets so that they get time-and-a-half overtime fighting them in court.

Police officers will search places and containers you didn’t consent to and later claim they were open or “smelled like marijuana”.

Police officers will threaten you with a more serious crime they can’t prove in order to convince you to confess to the lesser crime they really want you for.

Police officers will employ zero tolerance on races and ethnicities they dislike and show favor and lenience to members of their own group.

Police officers will use intentionally extra-painful maneuvers and holds during an arrest to provoke “resistance” so they can further assault the suspect.

Some police officers will plant drugs and weapons on you, sometimes to teach you a lesson, sometimes if they kill you somewhere away from public view.

Some police officers will assault you to intimidate you and threaten to arrest you if you tell anyone.

A non-trivial number of police officers will steal from your house or vehicle during a search.

A non-trivial number of police officers commit intimate partner violence and use their status to get away with it.

A non-trivial number of police officers use their position to entice, coerce, or force sexual favors from vulnerable people.

If you take nothing else away from this essay, I want you to tattoo this onto your brain forever: if a police officer is telling you something, it is probably a lie designed to gain your compliance.

Do not talk to cops and never, ever believe them. Do not “try to be helpful” with cops. Do not assume they are trying to catch someone else instead of you. Do not assume what they are doing is “important” or even legal. Under no circumstances assume any police officer is acting in good faith.

Also, and this is important, do not talk to cops.

I just remembered something, do not talk to cops.

Checking my notes real quick, something jumped out at me:

Do

not

fucking

talk

to

cops.

Ever.

Say, “I don’t answer questions,” and ask if you’re free to leave; if so, leave. If not, tell them you want your lawyer and that, per the Supreme Court, they must terminate questioning. If they don’t, file a complaint and collect some badges for your mantle.

DO THE BASTARDS EVER HELP?

Reading the above, you may be tempted to ask whether cops ever do anything good. And the answer is, sure, sometimes. In fact, most officers I worked with thought they were usually helping the helpless and protecting the safety of innocent people.

During my tenure in law enforcement, I protected women from domestic abusers, arrested cold-blooded murderers and child molesters, and comforted families who lost children to car accidents and other tragedies. I helped connect struggling people in my community with local resources for food, shelter, and counseling. I deescalated situations that could have turned violent and talked a lot of people down from making the biggest mistake of their lives. I worked with plenty of officers who were individually kind, bought food for homeless residents, or otherwise showed care for their community.

The question is this: did I need a gun and sweeping police powers to help the average person on the average night? The answer is no. When I was doing my best work as a cop, I was doing mediocre work as a therapist or a social worker. My good deeds were listening to people failed by the system and trying to unite them with any crumbs of resources the structure was currently denying them.

It’s also important to note that well over 90% of the calls for service I handled were reactive, showing up well after a crime had taken place. We would arrive, take a statement, collect evidence (if any), file the report, and onto the next caper. Most “active” crimes we stopped were someone harmless possessing or selling a small amount of drugs. Very, very rarely would we stop something dangerous in progress or stop something from happening entirely. The closest we could usually get was seeing someone running away from the scene of a crime, but the damage was still done.

And consider this: my job as a police officer required me to be a marriage counselor, a mental health crisis professional, a conflict negotiator, a social worker, a child advocate, a traffic safety expert, a sexual assault specialist, and, every once in awhile, a public safety officer authorized to use force, all after only a 1000 hours of training at a police academy. Does the person we send to catch a robber also need to be the person we send to interview a rape victim or document a fender bender? Should one profession be expected to do all that important community care (with very little training) all at the same time?

To put this another way: I made double the salary most social workers made to do a fraction of what they could do to mitigate the causes of crimes and desperation. I can count very few times my monopoly on state violence actually made our citizens safer, and even then, it’s hard to say better-funded social safety nets and dozens of other community care specialists wouldn’t have prevented a problem before it started.

Armed, indoctrinated (and dare I say, traumatized) cops do not make you safer; community mutual aid networks who can unite other people with the resources they need to stay fed, clothed, and housed make you safer. I really want to hammer this home: every cop in your neighborhood is damaged by their training, emboldened by their immunity, and they have a gun and the ability to take your life with near-impunity. This does not make you safer, even if you’re white.

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE A BASTARD?

So what do we do about it? Even though I’m an expert on bastardism, I am not a public policy expert nor an expert in organizing a post-police society. So, before I give some suggestions, let me tell you what probably won’t solve the problem of bastard cops:

Increased “bias” training. A quarterly or even monthly training session is not capable of covering over years of trauma-based camaraderie in police forces. I can tell you from experience, we don’t take it seriously, the proctors let us cheat on whatever “tests” there are, and we all made fun of it later over coffee.

Tougher laws. I hope you understand by now, cops do not follow the law and will not hold each other accountable to the law. Tougher laws are all the more reason to circle the wagons and protect your brothers and sisters.

More community policing programs. Yes, there is a marginal effect when a few cops get to know members of the community, but look at the protests of 2020: many of the cops pepper-spraying journalists were probably the nice school cop a month ago.

Police officers do not protect and serve people, they protect and serve the status quo, “polite society”, and private property. Using the incremental mechanisms of the status quo will never reform the police because the status quo relies on police violence to exist. Capitalism requires a permanent underclass to exploit for cheap labor and it requires the cops to bring that underclass to heel.

Instead of wasting time with minor tweaks, I recommend exploring the following ideas:

No more qualified immunity. Police officers should be personally liable for all decisions they make in the line of duty.

No more civil asset forfeiture. Did you know that every year, citizens like you lose more cash and property to unaccountable civil asset forfeiture than to all burglaries combined? The police can steal your stuff without charging you with a crime and it makes some police departments very rich.

Break the power of police unions. Police unions make it nearly impossible to fire bad cops and incentivize protecting them to protect the power of the union. A police union is not a labor union; police officers are powerful state agents, not exploited workers.

Require malpractice insurance. Doctors must pay for insurance in case they botch a surgery, police officers should do the same for botching a police raid or other use of force. If human decency won’t motivate police to respect human life, perhaps hitting their wallet might.

Defund, demilitarize, and disarm cops. Thousands of police departments own assault rifles, armored personnel carriers, and stuff you’d see in a warzone. Police officers have grants and huge budgets to spend on guns, ammo, body armor, and combat training. 99% of calls for service require no armed response, yet when all you have is a gun, every problem feels like target practice. Cities are not safer when unaccountable bullies have a monopoly on state violence and the equipment to execute that monopoly.

One final idea: consider abolishing the police.

I know what you’re thinking, “What? We need the police! They protect us!” As someone who did it for nearly a decade, I need you to understand that by and large, police protection is marginal, incidental. It’s an illusion created by decades of copaganda designed to fool you into thinking these brave men and women are holding back the barbarians at the gates.

I alluded to this above: the vast majority of calls for service I handled were theft reports, burglary reports, domestic arguments that hadn’t escalated into violence, loud parties, (houseless) people loitering, traffic collisions, very minor drug possession, and arguments between neighbors. Mostly the mundane ups and downs of life in the community, with little inherent danger. And, like I mentioned, the vast majority of crimes I responded to (even violent ones) had already happened; my unaccountable license to kill was irrelevant.

What I mainly provided was an “objective” third party with the authority to document property damage, ask people to chill out or disperse, or counsel people not to beat each other up. A trained counselor or conflict resolution specialist would be ten times more effective than someone with a gun strapped to his hip wondering if anyone would try to kill him when he showed up. There are many models for community safety that can be explored if we get away from the idea that the only way to be safe is to have a man with a M4 rifle prowling your neighborhood ready at a moment’s notice to write down your name and birthday after you’ve been robbed and beaten.

You might be asking, “What about the armed robbers, the gangsters, the drug dealers, the serial killers?” And yes, in the city I worked, I regularly broke up gang parties, found gang members carrying guns, and handled homicides. I’ve seen some tragic things, from a reformed gangster shot in the head with his brains oozing out to a fifteen year old boy taking his last breath in his screaming mother’s arms thanks to a gang member’s bullet. I know the wages of violence.

This is where we have to have the courage to ask: why do people rob? Why do they join gangs? Why do they get addicted to drugs or sell them? It’s not because they are inherently evil. I submit to you that these are the results of living in a capitalist system that grinds people down and denies them housing, medical care, human dignity, and a say in their government. These are the results of white supremacy pushing people to the margins, excluding them, disrespecting them, and treating their bodies as disposable.

Equally important to remember: disabled and mentally ill people are frequently killed by police officers not trained to recognize and react to disabilities or mental health crises. Some of the people we picture as “violent offenders” are often people struggling with untreated mental illness, often due to economic hardships. Very frequently, the officers sent to “protect the community” escalate this crisis and ultimately wound or kill the person. Your community was not made safer by police violence; a sick member of your community was killed because it was cheaper than treating them. Are you extremely confident you’ll never get sick one day too?

Wrestle with this for a minute: if all of someone’s material needs were met and all the members of their community were fed, clothed, housed, and dignified, why would they need to join a gang? Why would they need to risk their lives selling drugs or breaking into buildings? If mental healthcare was free and was not stigmatized, how many lives would that save?

Would there still be a few bad actors in the world? Sure, probably. What’s my solution for them, you’re no doubt asking. I’ll tell you what: generational poverty, food insecurity, houselessness, and for-profit medical care are all problems that can be solved in our lifetimes by rejecting the dehumanizing meat grinder of capitalism and white supremacy. Once that’s done, we can work on the edge cases together, with clearer hearts not clouded by a corrupt system.

Police abolition is closely related to the idea of prison abolition and the entire concept of banishing the carceral state, meaning, creating a society focused on reconciliation and restorative justice instead of punishment, pain, and suffering — a system that sees people in crisis as humans, not monsters. People who want to abolish the police typically also want to abolish prisons, and the same questions get asked: “What about the bad guys? Where do we put them?” I bring this up because abolitionists don’t want to simply replace cops with armed social workers or prisons with casual detention centers full of puffy leather couches and Playstations. We imagine a world not divided into good guys and bad guys, but rather a world where people’s needs are met and those in crisis receive care, not dehumanization.

Here’s legendary activist and thinker Angela Y. Davis putting it better than I ever could:

“An abolitionist approach that seeks to answer questions such as these would require us to imagine a constellation of alternative strategies and institutions, with the ultimate aim of removing the prison from the social and ideological landscapes of our society. In other words, we would not be looking for prisonlike substitutes for the prison, such as house arrest safeguarded by electronic surveillance bracelets. Rather, positing decarceration as our overarching strategy, we would try to envision a continuum of alternatives to imprisonment-demilitarization of schools, revitalization of education at all levels, a health system that provides free physical and mental care to all, and a justice system based on reparation and reconciliation rather than retribution and vengeance.”

(Are Prisons Obsolete, pg. 107)

I’m not telling you I have the blueprint for a beautiful new world. What I’m telling you is that the system we have right now is broken beyond repair and that it’s time to consider new ways of doing community together. Those new ways need to be negotiated by members of those communities, particularly Black, indigenous, disabled, houseless, and citizens of color historically shoved into the margins of society. Instead of letting Fox News fill your head with nightmares about Hispanic gangs, ask the Hispanic community what they need to thrive. Instead of letting racist politicians scaremonger about pro-Black demonstrators, ask the Black community what they need to meet the needs of the most vulnerable. If you truly desire safety, ask not what your most vulnerable can do for the community, ask what the community can do for the most vulnerable.

A WORLD WITH FEWER BASTARDS IS POSSIBLE

If you take only one thing away from this essay, I hope it’s this: do not talk to cops. But if you only take two things away, I hope the second one is that it’s possible to imagine a different world where unarmed black people, indigenous people, poor people, disabled people, and people of color are not routinely gunned down by unaccountable police officers. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yes, this requires a leap of faith into community models that might feel unfamiliar, but I ask you:

When you see a man dying in the street begging for breath, don’t you want to leap away from that world?

When you see a mother or a daughter shot to death sleeping in their beds, don’t you want to leap away from that world?

When you see a twelve year old boy executed in a public park for the crime of playing with a toy, jesus fucking christ, can you really just stand there and think “This is normal”?

And to any cops who made it this far down, is this really the world you want to live in? Aren’t you tired of the trauma? Aren’t you tired of the soul sickness inherent to the badge? Aren’t you tired of looking the other way when your partners break the law? Are you really willing to kill the next George Floyd, the next Breonna Taylor, the next Tamir Rice? How confident are you that your next use of force will be something you’re proud of? I’m writing this for you too: it’s wrong what our training did to us, it’s wrong that they hardened our hearts to our communities, and it’s wrong to pretend this is normal.

Look, I wouldn’t have been able to hear any of this for much of my life. You reading this now may not be able to hear this yet either. But do me this one favor: just think about it. Just turn it over in your mind for a couple minutes. “Yes, And” me for a minute. Look around you and think about the kind of world you want to live in. Is it one where an all-powerful stranger with a gun keeps you and your neighbors in line with the fear of death, or can you picture a world where, as a community, we embrace our most vulnerable, meet their needs, heal their wounds, honor their dignity, and make them family instead of desperate outsiders?

If you take only three things away from this essay, I hope the third is this: you and your community don’t need bastards to thrive.

RESOURCES TO YES-AND WITH

Achele Mbembe — Necropolitics

Angela Y. Davis — Are Prisons Obsolete?

CriticalResistance.org — Abolition Toolkit

Joe Macaré, Maya Schenwar, and Alana Yu-lan Price — Who Do You Serve, Who Do You Protect?

Ruth Wilson Gilmore — COVID-19, Decarceration, Abolition [video]

[lightsovermonaco]

Speed and Stress: Part 2

Masterlist

Thank you to @acollectionofficsandshit for betaing, your comments on this one were unhinged gold 

Word Count: 3.1k

Recommended Vibes: “Perfect Day” by Tundra Beats

Part 1

Your brother was late. Not that anyone was surprised.

“Got the time mixed up,” he says as you climb into his absurdly tall truck. Living in Texas for three years had turned him into somewhat of a country boy, though not enough that he forgot his upbringing. He was still a blue blooded Los Angeles boy, just with a love for trucks and longhorn cattle.

“At least I wasn’t waiting for an hour this time,” you say and sling your bag to the backseat. Deciding to get right to the good stuff, you clasp  your hands together. “So! I have some news.”

Hunter grins at you. “You finally found a job?”

You roll your eyes and shoot him a pointed look. “No, dipshit. Better than that. I got us paddock passes for the whole weekend.”

“WHAT?” He jerks the wheel, horns honking at you as other drivers swerve. You grab the dash to steady yourself, laughing at his outburst. “Do you know how hard it was for me to get general admission tickets? How the hell did you get paddock passes?”

“May have met someone pretty high up at McLaren in Los Angeles,” you say, examining your nails.

“Like, Zak Brown? You met Zak Brown?” Hunter was such a fan boy, you had to laugh. His love for McLaren ran so deep he practically bled blue and orange. The only reason you watched the sport was because of him shoving it down your throat for years, but damn if you weren't glad for it.

“Daniel Ricciardo.”

Hunter choked on air but managed to stay in his lane this time. “And you waited until now to tell me?”

“I didn’t know it was him when I met him! He was on a motorcycle and I stopped to help film a tiktok and then-”

“Of course you’d stop,” he mutters, shaking his head. “You’re a sucker for bikes.”

“Yeah well, lucky that I am, cause all I had to do was flirt to get us those passes.”

Your intention had never been to take advantage of Daniel. It was more the opposite in fact; you were just living in the moment and capitalizing on the once in a lifetime opportunity to flirt with your celebrity crush. You had to admit, it turned out better than you'd ever thought it would.

“I can’t believe you seduced Daniel freakin’ Ricciardo,” he says, shaking his head. “You astound me.”

“I didn’t seduce him!” You protest.

"Sorry my bad. You charmed him. That sound better?"

You roll your eyes. "Whatever. I damn near had a heart attack when I figured out it was him but he was kind enough to let me brush it off."

"Well, thank god for your two-wheeled obsession because without it, we would be watching the prix from the nosebleeds."

You laugh and shake your head. Hunter tended to have a poor filter when he was excited and tended to spew whatever was on his mind. "Just watch your tongue this weekend, alright? I'd rather embarrass myself than have you do it for me."

Hunter gives a mock salute. "Yes ma'am."

**********

You'd stuffed five different outfits in your bag in preparation for the grand prix weekend. In theory, it shouldn't be hard to decide what to wear. But Friday morning you changed clothes so many times you lost count. No matter what combination you tried you weren't satisfied.

Finally, you give up and settle on a McLaren polo and denim shorts. Simple and comfortable, but form fitting enough to catch Daniel's eye should you run into him.

You knew you shouldn't, but you pull out your phone to text him anyway.

Thanks again for the tickets. Let me know if you've got any free time so I can properly thank you!

You hit send before your brain has the chance to overanalyze the message. You check your phone obsessively the entire drive to the circuit, only half expecting a response. You tuck your phone in your pocket when you get to the gates, determined not to let it get to you. Daniel warned you he would be busy, and you knew that responding to you was likely on the low end of his list of priorities.

Hunter gets you to the circuit a half hour before they let fans in and you have to listen to him ramble about driver stats the entire time. Normally you don't mind; guessing who's most likely to win each Sunday is something of a competition in your household. But today, you couldn't focus enough to put any thought into your prediction, instead just blurting Daniel's name.

"You're only saying that cause he's into you," Hunter says, grinning savagely. "He struggles in Austin and you know it."

"So? He's in a McLaren this year. You saw his pace in Bahrain, and that was with a damaged floor! He'll podium for sure." You cross your arms and return his grin. "Besides, he's motivated."

"Oh, is he?"

"I told him I'd buy the winner of the United States grand prix a drink. Up to him whether it's him or Verstappen."

"Oh my god you have a date with Daniel Ricciardo?"

"Dude, chill out. It's not set in stone. Honestly, he's probably forgotten that I exist."

"Has he texted you?"

You glance down at your phone and are greeted with an empty inbox. "No. Not after the initial time so I could have his number." You shrug and pick an invisible piece of lint from your arm. "But he said he'd be too busy anyway."

"Guess we'll see once we get to will call, huh? If he's forgotten about you."

"Yeah." An odd feeling rolls through you. It feels a bit like nerves mixed with hope, but you stamp down on it. You were here to enjoy yourself. The trip of a lifetime had been handed to you on a golden platter and you were wont to let something as trivial as nervousness ruin it.

Bells chime as you step into the blissfully cool will call office. A blonde woman with a bit too much blush dusted on her cheeks greets you with a smile. 

"What can I do for you?"

"Picking up some tickets that were left for me by a driver?" You try, unsure of the proper procedure. "I don't have a paper or anything."

She waves a hand in the air as if she expected as much. "All I need is your identification. They should be under the name."

"Oh uh, of course." You motion for Hunter to hand over your wallet and show the woman your driver's license.

"Great. Wait here and I'll grab those for you."

You drum your fingers on the desk while waiting for her to return. After what feels like ages she re-emerges empty handed.

"I'm not seeing anything here with your name on it," she says, her plastic smile at odds with her sincerity. "I'm afraid your tickets aren't valid until Sunday."

"Can you double check? Daniel said they'd be here-"

"So sorry. There's no record of anyone dropping tickets off for you."

You blink, holding your tongue in the face of her blunt response. "Okay. I guess ill try and get it sorted out."

Hunter breaks the tension. "Can't you call him?"

"I can't just call him, I'm sure he's busy."

"Either that or we don't get in. Just do it, he gave you his number and specifically told you to let him know if there were any problems, didn't he?"

Yes he had, but that didn't mean you wanted to disturb him. He was probably knees deep in some sort of race weekend press conference or drivers meeting and heaven forbid you interrupt.  But it was either that or you slink home disappointed and empty handed.

"Fine," you grumble, pulling out your phone with deliberate slowness. Hunter crosses his arms and tips his head to the side, a smile playing on his lips.

"Well?"

"It's dialing, you good for nothing busybody-"

"I was wondering how long it would take you to call," Daniel answers, voice radiating sunshine.

You cut right to the chase, not giving yourself a single second to evaluate how your heart skips. "Look, I don't wanna distract you on a race weekend but I'm at will call and they're telling me they can't find any passes left for me."

"Let me guess," he starts, raising his voice to be heard over the pneumatic tools in the background, "You're dealing with Jenny?"

Your eyes fall to the name on the woman's lanyard. She shifts under your gaze like she knew exactly who you were on the phone with. "Yep. Spot on."

"Kinda figured she would be a problem. She's got a huge crush on me and does this every time."

You fight back the strange sensation his offhand comment brings to the surface. "Oh, really?"

"I'll be right there. Give me ten minutes or so."

"Oh you don't have to-"

"Hey, no big deal. I gotta go that way anyway."

"Uh, okay. See you soon?"

"Yup. On my way."

You hang up and stare down at the phone, stunned.

"Well?" Hunter asks.

"I guess he's coming here to sort it out himself."

He blinks rapidly and shakes his head. "Hold on. Are you telling me that I get to meet Daniel? Like right now?"

"Can you relax?" You laugh lightly. "Honestly you're gonna freak him out."

"Uh, yeah sure. No big deal, just meeting one of my favorite drivers in the minus five minutes and I'm completely unprepared. It's fine."

If you roll your eyes any harder they'd pop out of your head. "Relax. He's laid back, but I don't want you to freak out and embarrass us both."

"Excuse me," Jenny breaks in, her distaste clear. "Please move aside if you're not picking up passes."

"Er, yeah. Sorry." You shuffle awkwardly off to the side to wait. Cheesy elevator music plays and Jenny shoots you glares until the door squeaks open and the human incarnation of the sun steps inside. Your breathing stutters when the Australian shoots you a wink and a grin before sauntering up to the counter.

"Why hello there Jen," he says, and she giggles coyly. 

"Hi Daniel." She lays a hand on his forearm, the touch light and flirty. "What can I help you with?"

Daniel leans into her, whispering conspiratorially. Whatever he says has her bold smile faltering, replaced by a mask of professional cheer. Daniel shoots you another wink as the woman retreats to a back room, returning moments later with your supposedly missing passes.

"Thank you," Daniel says sweetly, taking them from her and turning to you. "I think these are yours."

"Thanks." You take the passes and hand one off to your awestruck brother. You nudge him and he comes to his senses in time to shake the hand Daniel sticks out.

"You must be the brother," he says. "I see you're a fan."

Dressed head to toe in McLaren colors, there was no other conclusion for Daniel to draw. For once your brother is the one stunned into silence so you answer for him, "Yeah, only a little. He was crushed when you left Red Bull cause Max is his other favorite driver and now he has to split his loyalties between teams."

Dan's laugh snaps Hunter out of his trance. "I know you're busy but do you think you can sign something for me?"

"Of course. How about this?" Daniel snatches the hat from Hunter's head and produces a sharpie from his pocket, signing the brim with practiced efficiency. 

"He'll be texting the group chat about that as soon as you're gone," you tell Daniel who laughs along with you.

Heat rises to your cheeks as Daniel's assessing gaze sweeps you from head to toe. "McLaren orange looks good on you."

Channeling his easy confidence you flash him a grin. "Not as good as it looks on you."

He smooths the hem of his soft shell jacket, smile turning bashful. "Anyway. I gotta run. See you Sunday after I win!"

Your eyes follow him as he jogs back through the paddock until he's swallowed by the crowd. You sigh, shifting your weight from foot to foot. God, he was gorgeous. And he had such a big heart. It was a shame someone hadn't snatched him up yet, but then again, that meant you still had a shot, even if it was a slim one.

"So where exactly do these get us?" Hunter toys with the lanyard now placed around his neck. "It doesn't say."

"I'm guessing the McLaren lounge," you say and point to the logo on the passes. "Above the garage."

"That's the perfect vantage point for practice."

And it was the perfect view- before getting in the car Daniel walked out into the pit, suited up in his cobalt racesuit and minty helmet and glanced up. You weren't sure if he saw you or not when you waved but he gave a little salute nonetheless.

Hunter was practically glued to the bank of floor to ceiling windows for the entirety of free practice, immersing himself in the experience. You found yourself glancing at the timing tables every lap, silently hoping to see the RIC tag move up. By the end of the second session he had been fourth fastest, a few tenths behind both Mercedes and the Red Bull of Verstappen. 

By the time you make it back to Hunter's house, you're both exhausted from a full day of running up and down the paddock. The pair of you had been determined to soak up every second of it, sneaking into whatever offices you could and stealing bites off the buffets and cups of coffee. 

Saturday’s free practice and qualifying session pass in a blur of color. Daniel drags his McLaren up the ranks to qualify fourth, his best starting position so far this season. He had a decent shot at the podium- Bottas should be easy pickings and if Verstappen and Hamilton made any mistakes, Daniel might even have a shot at the win.

The excitement in the air is palpable as you both flash your badges and head back up the now familiar path to the McLaren lounge. An hour before lights out, the v6 engines rumble to life below. You venture out onto the balcony, watching and waiting for a glimpse of Daniel.

The Aussie does you one better by walking out, race suit on and helmet in hand. He chats animatedly with Michael before stopping and craning his neck upwards. Michael nudges him with his elbow but Dan ignores him, answering your tiny wave with a wink. He mimes taking a drink and you roll your eyes.

Dan throws his head back and laughs, audible over the cacophony below. He gives you one final salute before Michael drags him back into the garage.

Ten minutes later cars begin streaming out on track, Daniel taking the fourth grid place as his mechanics once again swarm him. Tire blankets are secured, keeping them warm and pliable ahead of the formation lap. Thirty seconds before the boys are released, they're peeled back off as everyone scrambles off the pavement. Verstappen leads them away down the 3.4 mile track for the formation lap. Dan does a few small power slides before taking his place on the second row.

One by one, the red lights illuminate and disappear quicker than your blink. Daniel gets away clean while Bottas stumbles out of the gate, leaving himself wide open for Daniel's overtake on his right side. Cheers erupt around you, your brother going so far as to lift you off your feet.

Maybe Dan had a shot at winning after all.

A nail-biting 38 laps pass without a change in the order of the top three. Finally, a mistake in Max's pit stop sees him return to track third, just behind Daniel. The McLaren driver puts up the fight of his life, late braking at every corner and defending his position for all he was worth. Lewis was twenty seconds ahead- he wouldn't be winning but he could defend his second place spot.

Lewis Hamilton, race winner for the seventh time at the Circuit of the Americas!

Daniel Ricciardo crosses the line second, Max Verstappen takes home that last podium step for Red Bull. An astonishing fifty six laps here today in Austin!

The box erupts around you, a roar of cheers making it impossible to hear what else Crofty and Brundle were saying. But it didn't matter as Daniel raises his fist when he swings back into parc ferme, jumping out to be congratulated by his team. It was his first podium for the papaya team and you can tell it means the world to them.

"Looks like you're taking Lewis out for a drink," your brother teases. "Told you he wouldn't win."

"He almost won," you counter. "But hey, I'm not above asking Lewis on a date. Could you imagine? I mean, he would never agree, but still. It would be a hell of a date."

If you crane your neck from the balcony, you can just barely see the podium. Everyone goes quiet for the anthems and erupts again when the champagne is sprayed. The McLaren team chant for a shoey, which Daniel obliges. He sits to unlace his mint green boot and pours champagne into it, drinking from the boot before passing it to Max who joins in on the fun. 

Just as quickly as it began, the celebrations ebb. Daniel is the first to leave the podium which seems odd, given that the PR department surely wants his first big win for the team to be well documented.

Your phone buzzes a second layer. You fish it out of your pocket, a Cheshire grin splitting your face.

"Shouldn't you be busy celebrating?"

"I am," Dan starts, sounding breathless. You can barely hear him over the sound of the crowds chants behind him. "But I want to celebrate with you. I know I didn't win, but how about you let me buy you a drink instead?"

You barely hear anything beyond his first sentence. I want to celebrate with you. Were you dreaming? There was no way this was real.

"Um, I'm sorry, you want to celebrate by going out with me instead of your team?"

"If you'll let me. Hey- just text me okay? I can barely hear you over everyone screaming my name. It may be going to my head."

You laugh, drawing the attention of the vip's nearest you. You give an apologetic smile and move further from the crowd. "I'll text you an address. See you later, second place."

[mallowstep]

Genetics ask! I know that male torties/torbies are very rare and caused by a genetic mutation, but with those who do exist, are there any prerequisites with their parents? I’m assuming they’d have to carry the red gene since tortoiseshell is one red, one not-red, but I barely know anything. And based on this, is it better to just headcanon cats like Redtail as biologically female?

alright! hello, anon.

since i had to do more research than usual for this one, reminder that:

i am not an expert. i can and will be wrong. you can find my self-corrections under #corrections, but those are only things i or others have noticed, and that i've had the time to write a correction to and explain.

disclaimers out of the way, let's talk about tortie toms. (and torbie toms, and calico toms, it's all the same deal.)

if you know how ginger works, you can skip the next few paragraphs.

orange (ginger, red, etc.) is sex-linked in cats. what this means is that the gene that causes orange cats is on the x chromosome. it is also codominant, which means that having an orange x chromosome (Xo) and a non-orange x chromosome (X) is not black or orange, but both.

basically:

X or XX: black

Xo or XoXo: orange

XXo: tortoiseshell

yeah?

now, for the rest of this post, i'm going to be writing O and o instead of Xo and X because it's one less character and i don't run the risk of putting three x chromosomes together.

okay. so because torties need two x chromosomes, they're typically female. the way tortie itself works is basically, cells activate one of the genes (O or o) at random, creating patches. so you need two copies.

wikipedia says about a third of male torties have klinefelter's, which is the XXY karyotype. while this does have physical changes associated with it, the only way to confirm (humans have) klinefelter's is to test it genetically.

luckily, cats are very helpful about demonstrating it. what with them being tortie and all.

(we're also lumping in the variations of klinefelter's here. you can get XXYY, etc., and they all fit into the same broad idea.)

anyway, the extra x chromosome can come from either the mother or the father. this makes tortie toms...not quite easier, since the prereqs are the same, but y'know. if mom is Oo, dad doesn't matter. if mom is OO, dad has to be o, and if mom is oo, dad has to be O. same rules as usual.

XXY toms are going to be...not sterile, but pretty infertile. using human stats, about 50% can produce sperm, although the likelihood of them having kits is still low. humans with klinefelter's are also taller than average, so keep that in mind.

again, and this might be a correction on my part, i can't remember, but tortie toms aren't strictly going to be visibly different than other toms.

okay, so most people stop at klinefelter's, but there are two other ways to get tortie toms: mosiacism and chimerism. these are often confused/combined, but because i strive for generally being accurate, i'll go over them both.

mosaic cats carry multiple genetic lines, because of a mutation. this can either be somatic (happens in the body, is not hereditary), or germline (happens in reproductive cells of parents, is hereditary).

this is not always a gain of a line, you can lose a chromosome as well. the difference between somatic and germline and how it affects torties goes over my head, so i'm not going to speak to it, other than i'm pretty sure we're talking about somatic mosaicism. i think. again, not a biologist or geneticist, just a hobbyist with an internet connection.

right, so what happens is basically, some cells lose their extra x chromosome, giving you a cat with karyotype XXY/XY. these cats are more likely to be fertile and generally have less effects of klinefelter's. i'm not entirely sure how this affects tortie presentation, if at all, but it does happen.

i suppose you could also have some kind of mutation that gives you an extra x spontaneously, but that would be unlikely to cause torties, because it would also have to mutate into the other O allele.

again, i really want to stress that while i'm not bullshitting, i'm also not speaking definitively here.

last up is chimerism, where two embryos fuse in the womb, creating mixed genes.

i'm using a picture of a dog, here, because this is what goes through my head when i think of chimeras. you'll have to take my word for it, but while this would be a normal tortie cat, it can't really happen in dogs without some kind of mutation. and chimerism, given the extent of the patching, is pretty likely.

right! chimera torties are going to be, afaik, normal levels of fertile, although it's likely that they can pass on either black or red, not both.

(while i'm here, before we move on, there are a lot of types of chimeras. this type is called tetragametic chimerism, and it's rare in humans but more common in other animals. it's hard to know how common it is, because the differences are often very subtle, and hard to test. it's also not mutually exclusive with mosaics or klinefelter's, just to really muddy the waters.)

i don't have statistics for how common mosaics and chimeras are, and there's always, "a different type of mutation that doesn't fall into this category"

for mosaics and chimeras, the rules for inheritance seem to be the same as for klinefelter's. there's the added note that, because there can be multiple sires within one litter, a ginger queen could have kits with a ginger tom, and get a tortie son, as long as she also...ahem...with a black(/brown, etc.) tom. (or vice versa, with all brown and a ginger.)

okay! so that's basically how it happens.

as for the second part of this question, well. "is it better?" is a matter of opinion. i don't think anyone is wrong for having tortie toms. i don't care. (a) it is possible, and (b) we're all just having fun.

i, personally, do not think redtail is karyotype XX, because i like him being sandstorm's father with brindleface. idk. i like brindleface. yes, i know this raises huge genetic problems, and it's not very canon. i don't really care. i read that redtail fic where he thinks about sand&brindle as he's dying and it hasn't left me.

that said, i'm still a sucker for trans redtail. love it. idk, this is kind of hard to explain. like? it's not my headcanon, but i still appreciate it.

anyway! to the point: if you care about statistics and likelihoods and how many tortie toms you've had in the clan, yes, you're probably better off saving your chromosome anomalies for when they need to have kits, and using XX karyotype for the rest.

(under the cut: matthew rambles about trans cats and gender identity for a while)

i'm pretty sure cats don't have the western concept of gender. i don't think they have a human concept of gender, either, but at some point i need to be able to pin down something, and i think a third/fourth gender is closer to what they have.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately, because i decided i wasn't satisfied with my old approach to trans cats. i can do better than that. i decided cats don't have gendered pronouns, so why should the solution be, "trans cats don't really get to do anything about it"

no. i am dissatisfied with that.

at the same time, for specific reasons: i also don't think cats are trans in the western sense of the word.

because if for nothing else, remember that cat sexual dimorphism has a bigger effect on their life than in humans.

like, queens are going to be uncomfortable around male cats they don't hella trust and their kits. that doesn't go away if said male cat isn't a tom. y'know?

i'm in a constant state of tweaks with this, because i basically: form opinion, test opinion, refine opinion. my initial opinion was too harsh. and!

part of what's changed is i decided i wanted fernsong to be able to raise his kits in the nursery instead of ivypool. so i had to adjust how i think the nursery and queens work, slightly, to permit for that. now, i can turn back to gender and think about it some more.

i'm not going to coin any new terms, because i'm not in that kind of mood, but i think there is some idea of a female cat who is not a she-cat. i don't think the cats would call them a tom, but i'm not sure what they would say or how they would describe it.

i think they would just, on some level, get it.

actually okay you know what! i do need some lingo here. queens = cats who are raising kits in the nursery. she-cats = XX karyotype, considers self female (cis, if you will). toms = XY karyotype, considers self male (cis, again). and uh...we'll go with...

god i hate. i don't want anything i say in this ramble to be considered "words i am going to now use consistently" because i literally just need some way to describe this for my own sanity. with that in mind, let us use molly for XY karyotype, but not a tom, and...how about gib for XX karyotype, not a she-cat.

again, i don't want that to be considered permanent, i'm just fishing at words people use to describe cats so i can have something to work with.

right so, i don't think cats think gib and tom are equivalent, but i also don't think they (as a society) care about that.

like, okay, let's say redtail is XX, but not a she-cat. there's nothing to really be done (heck, if he wants to be a queen, that's still fine), cats don't have gendered pronouns or names, but at the same time, there's an intuitive understanding of what that means.

this kind of ties into the matriarchy, kind of? like, hm, queens are an important part of the matriarchy, but at the same time, she-cats inherit family lines. not that cats inherit much, but still.

i'm getting very abstract here. take, uh, like let's say a hypothetical trans mothwing. i think a lot of people have that headcanon?

and i think, like, mothwing would not be considered a tom. if cats had a concept of sexuality, leafpool would not be straight, because she likes mothwing, and mothwing is not a tom.

but! i would still think willowshine probably is the first line for nursery visits, at least when the kits are very young.

and i don't think anyone there would be unhappy with that deal.

right. i just kept rambling for a while, because i've been thinking about this and obviously it's semi-tied to the question.

tl/dr: cats don't care about gender, because they are cats meowing at each other in the woods. if a cat says they're not agab, everyone is just cool with that.

[noelclover]

On Genshin Impact: Zhongli

Now I’d like to preface this by saying that I do appreciate Jinjinx and Tuner and their maths and that this isn’t a criticism of them as much as it is a criticism to the folks out there who hate Zhongli and the various arguments given. a) We were baited into rolling through MiHoYo’s false advertising. No. You weren’t. You were baited into rolling for the character because of information obtained from a beta because you can’t understand the simple concept that whatever happens in a beta is subject to change. Unless you mean to tell me that you looked at a cool ad wherein a character attacks and decided that he’s DPS material, which is... kind of understandable but strange, as that would mean that if Soraka is seen attacking, she’s an ADC. ((No, please don’t build Soraka ADC, I’ve seen it, it’s really, really iffy.))

b) Why wouldn’t they make him a DPS if they gave him cool animations?

Why wouldn’t they? The visual design of a character does not necessarily correlate to their roles. Not all wizards have pointy hats and be old, not all fighters walk around in breastplate.

c) He’s not even a good support!

Debatable, but it’s very hard to weight defensive supports against offensive ones because the latter is generally more flashy and something you can really feel while the former is a lot less exciting to think about.

d) Noelle’s shield is better than his!

Noelle’s shield scales with her DEF, which is something you’ll probably be building on her due to how her Burst scales.

Zhongli’s shield scales with HP%

This means that, depending on the calculation, odds are Noelle’s shield will be tankier than Zhongli’s, if only because there’s not as much damage reduction (as far as I understand it. I don’t really know shield mechanics and whether or not damage reduction applies before damage is applied to the shield. It it does then you’ll get more mileage from Noelle’s shield because you probably stacked defense, which means a greater percentage of damage reduction, which means less damage is applied to the shield.) So yes, her shield is better than his, except for the simple fact that his shield does AoE, thus generating quite a few shields for you to pick up and has half the cooldown her does, while having roughly double the duration. This means that if you use his shield not to enable your (masochistic) face-tank fantasies but as a safety net or an opportunity to sneak in some extra attacks, his shield will probably last you all the way up to recast.

Does this make his shield better than hers instead? No clue, it really depends on how you use it and honestly, I think it’s impossible to calculate shield value by virtue of it being a shield. You have to calculate the number of hits a shield can take, how much DPS you lose out on a stagger, the opportunity cost of attacking while the shield is up, etc etc. I personally think that his shield is good if you’re a somewhat decent player because it’s a nice safety net. e) He doesn’t do good damage! Xiangling does more damage than him! He’s a support, not a DPS. I don’t know what their stats are as the wiki doesn’t state it, but he may have more base stats than her, which in turn would work much like the Diluc vs Razor argument, wherein Razor has a higher attack percentage on his attacks but Diluc has a high base stat to work with resulting in Diluc outdamaging Razor anyway. Dreamy made a video on it, I don’t really remember much from it though as it’s been a while. f) He’s bad, you just can’t admit it!

He’s not bad, but I certainly won’t say he’s great. Is he worthy of being called a 5 star unit? Honestly? That’s debatable. The only other 5 star I have is Childe and he can’t reach his maximum potential with me (at c0) because I don’t have the crit damage bow he needs. I do have Diluc on my NA account which I don’t play and I’ll admit that Diluc feels really smooth to use and play however, but he’s basically Riven and saying that an easy-to-use-Riven feels better to play than tanky-Trundle is kinda... well yeah. Hard comparison. g) According to the numbers, he’s not worth it! It really depends. I don’t agree with Tuner’s statement that Zhongli is only good when you can swap out a character because you’d have enough DPS for your content because I think Zhongli can provide some quality of life that makes it easier for you to clear said content. Additionally, if you pair him with Geo MC (and why wouldn’t you) you’d get quite a bit of free damage. Hell, even pairing him with Ningguang is pretty darn good due to her buff from walking through the screen and his pillars basically letting her act as a turret, which means that he can enable more DPS output that you would otherwise (because dodging takes up time and stamina which can be converted to more DPS). Given that it’s tremendously difficult to calculate quality of life changes (literally how), I’m really not sure one can say that he’s bad. Underwhelming perhaps because of them, but not bad. h) You’re just unhappy he’s getting buffs! No, I’m happy he’s getting buffs. I just don’t think this was the buff he needed. If anything, I really want his pillar to generate energy, and, though it’s definitely broken, for it to scale with the number of constructs around. I’d like for Zhongli to do an Unlimited Meteor Works. Additionally, I’m not sure about buffing a character because of a community whining for him to be something he wasn’t meant to be is a good thing, and that’s power creep aside. Yeah, it’s a PvE game and so power creep may not (to some) matter as much, but I’ve seen how games can be ruined by power creep. i) You’re just a blind devotee to MiHoYo and Zhongli! Or you’re paid!

I wish they were paying me, and no. I wish MiHoYo wouldn’t make the whatever-oculus’ into a treasure hunt. It’s annoying. I wish Violetgrass was available for purchase. I think getting 4 star weapons on the character banner is asinine and you should get the banner character guaranteed for your first 5 star when you roll on that banner. Additionally, I wish that they would make MC’s ability to change elements easier, I think resin makes sense but is kind of ass and I wish exp is easier to earn.

The game has faults, as does the company because they’re the ones making them.

Also I don’t even Honkai Impact, I installed it and didn’t touch it on my phone for 3 months. I personally think that Zhongli makes a player’s life easier. It doesn’t mean that I think he’s someone you should absolutely roll for, or that he’s without flaws. When I look at a character and their kit, I think about the role they fill and not the roll I want them to fill.

[welcome-to-afterlife]

before we all go.. could i pls request... cyrille content. literally anything you feel like writing, i'm just really attached to the boy and sad to see him and the game go :(

Why did my brain decide to go with the saddest options like I don’t want to cry while writing this, but here I am :))). Anywho, I decided to write about what your last day with Cyrille at the 14th Department would be like. It’s time to give some closure.

When Cyrille hears the news, his brain freezes. He knew that you were going to leave someday (everything comes and goes after all), but he didn’t expect it to be so soon. Nor did he expect it hit him straight in the chest. It hurts so much and he curses all his emotions to make him so weak. 

Just the mere thought of you leaves makes him irritated. At first, he tries to find reasons to keep you in the 14th Department. Yeah maybe the stats for purified souls have gone up rapidly in the last few months, but it could be better. He creates a data model that shows the worst-case scenario to the department’s performance if the manager leaves them. It might be slightly skewed to scare everyone else, but he’ll do anything to get you to stay.

He puts up a long, hard fight about it. Logically, there are so many reasons why the manager could and should stay. But he soon realizes that there’s no point in fighting for something that he can’t change. So he holes himself in his room and throws himself into his work.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. Cyrille tries to put it at the back of his mind, but he can’t stop thinking about what life is going to be like once you’re gone. Who else is going to listen to his passion for science without judging him? You’re the only person with emotions that he has grown attached to. 

So Cyrille decides to spend the whole day with his favorite person. A final farewell before they leave him forever. It was a painful concept to grasp, but he didn’t want his sadness to ruin the mood. Instead, he lines up a few crazy experiments that he and the manager can enjoy! It’s as simple as creating tornados inside bottles, creating a hybrid rocket engine with some yeast and hydrogen peroxide, working with dry ice, and watching blowing up random stuff. While it’s elementary-level to him, Cyrille can’t stop laughing at your reactions and flexing his vast knowledge of science.

Next, the two of you try to test the limits of electricity in the Otherworld. Cyrille created a generator that is able to open a portal to any place in the world (theoretically) and he decides to try it out with you. The two of you carry the machine to the power room and Cyrille plugs the hunk of metal into the outlet. You jump in glee as a small, purple ring appears in the middle of the room. However, it all disappears when the power goes out (because the machine used up all the power). You can hear Nyang Lead Manager screaming to kill you guys.

Before you can say anything, Cyrille grabs your hand and you both make a run for it. Nyang Lead Manager’s shouting is drowned by Cyrille’s laughter as he takes your hand and finds shelter behind some bushes.

The two of you sprawl on the floor and take a moment to rest. Once Cyrille gets up, he pops the question. “Are you really going to leave us?” He stares at the floor, kicking the pebbles at his feet. His eyes are covered in a thin layer of teary-film. But no matter what your answer is, he’s willing to put his pride aside and give you one last hug.

“Don’t worry. I’ll get that portal machine up and running so I can visit you whenever I want! But in the meantime, you better not forget about me! You can’t forget about someone like me!” The tears begin to spill from his eyes as he squeezes you tighter, but the heavy weight on his chest is slowly disappearing. 

 No matter where you go or what you do, just know that Cyrille is always watching over.

Farewell, Cyrille.

[bnha-scenarios]

☕️ Special Thanks ☕️ 

As always, thank you so much for the coffee! Your kindness are very much appreciated! ♡

Emilija | Regan | Nela Kovaříková | 1 Anon

Onwards to the progress update.

I had. So. Many. Things. That I actually wanted to complete.

… Alas, work decided to be a bitch and swamp me with things to take care of. To put it simply, there were a lot of issues that caused a lot of overtime work even on weekends, so I had to step away from coding most of the time so I won’t burn myself out.

So yeah, I didn’t manage to complete a lot of features, though I did dabble on some stuff here and there. I’m not happy with the rather small progress either. But life happens, and there are just other things that are more important sometimes. So we just have to let it go and look forward to the next month!

I’d say that this month I was quite productive in terms of organization and planning instead of the actual coding. I have at least identified what I need to write for the ‘free activity’ time of the game, which makes about 30-40% of the gameplay itself. However, actually writing the scenes and executing it is a different effort altogether, which I have only started to embark on.

Still, it’s crazy to think that the development for the full game has been actively going for around three and a half months now. Whew. Knowing that I have a tendency to hyperfocus and then get tired of something after a short time frame, I’m going to at the very least give myself a pat on the back for still keeping this project up and running until now.

More details below ↓

Added Route: Kirishima

Let me preface this first with a declaration: I won’t be adding any more love interest after this. Please please please don’t make me do it 😅 Going through all the plans and re-setting up things to figure out how to add him in was such a painful experience…

But anyway. I will be adding this boy’s route to the full game, because a lot of people seem to want to have him in the game. He does seem like a fun character to write, so I thought I’ll give him a chance.

Gameplay

Places, Schedules, and Hanging Out with the Boys

I think you would have noticed from the last two devlogs, but there are several activities you can do in-game. One of them is to visit a place of your choice at a certain time in a day.

Some places can be unlocked when you reach a certain threshold in a specific stat, and there are others which will be unlocked when you reach a specific threshold in a character’s affection meter. Nai will message you whenever you manage to unlock a new place to visit, so keep a lookout for that!

But what happens when you visit a place?

Well, each character has their own schedules -- which you should be able to figure out either by coincidence or by talking to them at school when prompted to do so. Your Quirk will allow you to see the unlocked schedule of each of the characters, so my advice would be to check it out before deciding where to go! If you manage to come to a specific place at the correct time, you will bump into them. Normally, this will trigger a set of actions you can perform: Talk, Action, and Skinship.

Talking is a safe way to increase your love interest’s affection meter, especially in the first half of the game. More topics can be unlocked under some requirements. Generally, it doesn’t matter where you are, the topics you can talk about will be the same. There are topics which might trigger different reactions depending on how high your love interest’s affection is, so have fun finding them! However, be warned that most topics can be selected only once!

Action is another safe way to further increase your love interest’s affection meter. Unlike talking, different places have a different set of actions you could select from. More actions can also be unlocked under some requirements. Responses to this doesn’t exactly change based on the character’s current affection level, and it’s not limited to one time only.

Skinship is a riskier way to boost the affection meter: simply put, it’s a high gain with a high risk. Consider the character’s current affection level when you’re selecting from this list! He might not like it if you go touchy-feely when you’re not that close yet.

On the other hand, when his affection is high enough, you’ll find that you can have a lot of fun choosing the various options here. So be smart, bide your time, and have fun ;)

And that’s not all! Interaction is a two-way street, so depending on how your love interest views the main character, he will initiate Talk, Action, or even Skinship. There’s a lot of variations in here, and I hope you’ll have fun with this mechanic! I certainly am having fun while also pulling out my hair out of frustration designing this and trying to put the mechanism to control this into code…

Progress-wise, I think at the very least the functions for controlling this specific mechanic have been 80% completed. The actual writing however, is another story. There are still hundreds that I still haven’t had the time to write yet, and most of them are not yet coded in. Those who have been coded in still don't have sprites and music, so really, I’ll just say that the writing progress for this part is less than 1% completed….

On the left is the currently WIP full game project, with what I would say around 2-4% dialogue scripted in. And on the right side is the completed demo project.

…. Can you see how much effort the whole game is going to take me now? I did say to strap in and relax, cause this is going to be a long ride. And I wasn’t kidding lol

"Nai"

Although throughout the first week, the story will flow as your environment / characters around you teaches you on how the game works, I’m aware that the game mechanics might be hard to understand for casual players who aren’t too used to playing otome games (or games in general). Which is pretty much why I’m giving you a ‘helpline’ of some sort, in the form of another character.

Why a character? Because I can and I want to. Shush 😆

If you’ve played the demo, chances are, you’ve encountered a name which you had no recollection of existing in the canon My Hero Academia universe. Well, you’re right. Like the player’s character, Nai (full name: Namae Nai / 名前 ない) doesn’t exactly exist in the canon universe, but she’s here to help you throughout the game. (She’s also there because if she wasn’t, 1-A class members becomes odd number in total and that just feels weird to me -- plus, the team exercise system in Heroics wouldn’t exactly make sense if the class has odd number of students)

For those of you who hate Original Characters with a passion (why tho), you don’t need to worry too much. She won’t be an intrusive character in the plot and will mainly not contact you unless she really has to (seriously, her full name literally means ‘no name’, so give her a break, ok?). And if, even then, you still hate her, well.... Too bad you won’t be able to enjoy the game, I guess.

For those of you who don't mind her existence: I hope you’ll take a liking to her dark sense of humor and appreciate her helping you get through the game!

Others

Fixed some bugs regarding unlocking Special Moves from certain activities and games.

Played around and customized the ‘input name’ for a little bit, so it wouldn’t awkwardly sit on the bottom of the screen. I have 0 talent in designing UI though, so the background still stays as a black screen -- but at least it looks more prominent now.

Added a little sign to indicate which route the player has entered. I think it’s pretty cute! Hopefully you’ll like it.

Assets

Those who follow me on Twitter would have seen this coming, but anyway, I’ll be using TMGS OSTs as the main character theme for the four love interests. Hush hush, okay?

Other than that, unfortunately I didn’t have time to do any assets gathering this month.

Writing

Nothing much to say here. I think I managed to script around 50% of the events in the first day, but honestly I’m not completely satisfied with it so I might go back and tweak them a bit. Still a lot of scenes to be written!

Plans for December

I'm not too sure whether there would be much progress for the next two months, since there are so many things happening and deadlines to be met at work, which is making me really unmotivated to do other side projects in my free time lately. I also feel like I haven't been taking care of my health enough ever since quarantine started, so I'm trying to get back into doing more exercises and looking for healthier food options, which also cuts into my free time and motivation I guess.

With that said, I'll still at least aim for getting some scripts coded in -- particularly for the events in day 1. Other than that, maybe hopefully some assets gathering for supporting Kirishima's newly added route, and finishing up the coding parts that I was unable to finish this month.

I'll see y'all again at the end of next month!

[slumberinglabyrinth]

a while back i did a review of the prison chapter in por and it was totally overblown and whatever but i kinda wanna do that again for (what remains of) radiant dawn so i guess i will

I'll be doing them in batches since this got long. In this post: 3-5 through 3-9

3-5: it's been two years and i forget why we have to defend this castle

this was a pretty alright map. the reinforcements were annoying but that's because I generally don't actually turtle all that much on defend chapters and as a result I was Right There whenever and wherever they showed up. I tried to grab the energy drop off the boss but the dude ran away from Heather the moment I created an opening and I didn’t want to reset so :^/

I moved provoke off of shinon and onto Brom for this and its... probably way too strong? like it wasn't a 100% draw rate but there were several turns in a row where he was the only person being attacked which is. insane. and also super fun lmao. I think it's a shame that the hostility mechanics in fe aren't as well documented; on some level it ruins the magic, but in cases like this where you're actively influencing it i think it'd be useful to know to what degree you're actually influencing it

disarm + steal is also a really neat/fun idea that would be a great way to counteract how i apparently will never have any money for weapons while playing as the greilgallia party crew 😔 (not to be confused with the greilgallia polycule, which disbanded around twenty years earlier) but I can also never get disarm to proc and half the things that i was able to get unequipped were too heavy for Heather to actually steal 😔

all around a decent map to ease myself back into playing rd with. I certainly could have played better, but defend maps tend to be easier and I appreciated that here

3-6: dawn brigade returns and promptly sinks into a swamp

god this map sucked. it's really hard to pick where to start with it but while i get that lore dictates that they need to only be fighting laguz right here it was probably the wrong gameplay decision with everything else that was going on. I think maybe making tigers have ~4 less str across the board would have been a nice start since I kinda needed to either never get hit by them at all or to kill them first.

several chapters later I’m also realizing maybe i should have like. started to use bexp lol

fighting laguz is also really weird in terms of like... because they have boosted stats while transformed so you can either kill them while they're untransformed (which is fairly easy but since they don't attack, you have to kill them during player phase which means one per turn per unit), deal chip damage (or none at all) to burn down their gauge so you can actually kill them, or try to power through their boosted stats and hope you don’t die in the process.

Because I hadn't used bexp and almost all my units were super weak, I mostly had to rely on the eff against beasts knife that you can buy in the bargain shop this chapter and also volug, who had enough def (even with halfshift) to not die in one round. Honorable mentions go to noland (a fitting name for this map), jill (with canto!), and zihark, who were able to help pick off untransformed laguz, and to micaiah, who could deal magic damage and actually damage transformed laguz.

this was also the first dawn brigade map! i know lots of people people dont like their maps after act 1 and while i was trying to go into this one with an open mind... yeah, they totally got shafted by this map design. it's not really their fault but this map sucked hard. I know that they generally did one of each class variant (fire mage, wind mage, etc.) and not have duplicates but I think that the dawn brigade would have benefited from another mage of some kind if only so you could have someone who could deal with all these goddamned cats

also bk shows up but since he's not a bonus unit i didn't want to feed him kills so i didnt really use him. maybe that was a mistake. also why couldn't he like. warp someone that wasn't the furthest away from the action.

3-7: hey so we heard you liked the previous map

Zihark is there? fuck this i'm reverting to a previous save and unrecruiting him

3-6: i forgot to mention that this map was a swamp map and also had darkness

I know I've mentioned that the similar map in fe6 (desert+fog) was actually kinda alright but this one isnt that at all. Playing through it a second time helped because i knew where enemies were spawning, but it was still more annoying than fun.

Swamps commit the cardinal sin of forcing everyone that can't fly (in this case: everyone but jill) to suffer massive terrain penalties. Deserts at least let mages move a little bit further (which admittedly wouldn't help much here since it's only micaiah and laura), but here everyone friend and foe alike (except Jill) moves slowly and it makes gameplay just grind to a halt which is never, ever fun level design.

Also Fiona just. could not move beyond the starting island. she couldn't even wade a little bit into the swamp like i did with ed and leo to attack at range and get laguz to untransform. they let you deploy everyone but it genuinely felt like i wasn't handed the tools to succeed at this map. always a great goal to have when designing a game

I don't know how to improve this map. unrecruiting zihark (by flying him up to the northeast with jill and having him talk to mordy/lethe) wasn't particularly difficult (battle saves make it easy enough to scout out where they were, and it's not like i'd ever feel bad about 'cheating' on this map) but... would a greater field of view actually help? would making it not a swamp actually help? would giving you more allied units that'll throw themselves in the face of danger with no regard for their own lives actually help?

I don't know.

3-7: but for real this time

Back to ikequest!

this map is... literally the same map as the previous one, but with a different map objective. and larger. and backwards. and not at night.

it's still a swamp.

Luckily, it's a survive map, and the vast majority of the enemy force does not have the time to actually reach you if you hide up in the corner.

Which is exactly what i did.

Here's the list of the optional units (ike and ranulf are mandatory, which sucks because i don't like using twinks cat laguz and ike's plot promotion feels miles away) I deployed and why I deployed them

Haar: to fly out and recruit Jill

Gatrie: to be carried by Haar and specifically to bait the single thunder mage in Haar's way (and help Haar clean out that area so Jill can be safely recruited). I gave him corrosion two maps ago and it actually fully disarmed a guy on this map! 🎊

Brom: stand near where the swamp ends and draw the handful of enemies that actually make it all the way there away from ike and ranulf and ulki and jaffar (who are auto-recruits in this chapter).

This map is. so incredibly easy to both beat and complete the (meaningful) optional objectives on. I missed a conversation between Ike and Micaiah (which requires you to travel all the way across the map that i just finished saying takes forever to traverse and do it in 12 turns), but as long as you unrecruit Zihark on the previous map (he's.... right in the middle of the main force so good luck if you don't) you can probably do this map first try with no deaths even if you haven't trained haargatriebrom At All

I think that kinda underscores a problem that intsys had with rd which was... it feels like they didn't really have a lot of time to fine-tune stuff? like you're going from the hardest (or at least most unpleasant) map to the easiest one this side of the tutorial and it just. doesn't feel good? like there's going to be some inherent difficulty in balancing a difficulty curve when you're shifting from party to party but. this was bad. really bad.

Also a side observation but it does actually say who units can talk to in battle prep which is pretty useful thing to have! you need to shift the stat spreadsheet allllll the way over, but it's there!

i promptly forgot about it by the time 3-10 came around and was like "hey i should just. have ike run up to elincia, see if they'll talk, and then reset" though lol

3-8: Less-than-Lethal Lava Land

A fairly standard lava cave map. My only real comment here is that it was kinda nice how they made the spots where you'd take damage fairly obvious while still making them appear as natural parts of the terrain. I think it was the durandal map in 7 but its "if you're on these at the end of the turn you'll take damage" tiles looked super out of place while the armads map on the other hand wasn't super self-evident and i'm glad they improved

3-9: still cant use lucia >:(

Another party shift (this time to Elincia), and there was some good use of ledges in this chapter!

Most of your units couldn't use them but it created alternate paths for the ones that could (Calill and Devdan). Previous maps tended to use them more as holes in your defenses than needed to be plugged, but it created ways to progress (and ways for reinforcements to catch up) that are usually reserved for flying units, except now you're interacting with the map instead of ignoring it completely.

I think I've yet to meet someone who genuinely likes ledges as a map element, though I think this map really drives home that the sole (inherent) problem with them is the accuracy modifications (which, as this map also demonstrates when the stairs near the end become a chokepoint, are actually present with all elevation changes). While the +2 damage dealt while on the high ground is reasonable, +50 and especially -50 to hitrate are insane and completely unnecessary modifiers. They should be half that if you even choose to retain both.

Anyway.

the absolute lack of a (player-controlled) healer in Elincia's party was also........ interesting. Annoying, but interesting. Why must allied clerics choose death?1

[jungle321jungle]

Level Two: Wait, You’re Not An NPC?

The world of Swords of Power and Conquest was one Virgil dove head first into, giving his soul and life to the game. He would play whenever he could, and had even decided he wanted to go into game design. At times he had even dreamt of how wonderful it would be to be inside that world for even a moment- until that world became his reality.

The familiar world he had come to love was now a foreign prison, one with no way out.

A Log Horizon AU. If you don’t know what that is, this is a Show Better Than SAO AU. If you still don’t know, the sides get trapped in a video game.

Ao3 - Masterlist

Taglist: @hells-missing-a-goat @angels-and-dreams @ollyollyoxinfree @gattonero17 @chumo-cookie @dreaming-always @anxiety-ismy-name @mrbubbajones @janustheliar

~~~~

Level Two: Wait, You’re Not An NPC?

Virgil wasn’t sure how long he had stood there. Stood there staring at his surroundings in shock and disbelief. But it was the familiar sound of a message which shocked him out of his stupor. Virgil’s eyes darted around him wondering how to open and answer- or if he was truly insane- when a voice sounded in his mind. 

“Tony?”

The voice was one which filled Virgil with relief to the point of tears welling in his eyes, but none of this could be real, right? Right? 

“Tony?” It asked again.

Virgil chose to indulge his own delusions as he wiped at his eyes. “Jack?”

“Oh thank God that worked!” The voice came from the other side of- of Virgil’s mind? “What the fuck is going on?”

“You’re asking me? This-” He stopped looking around at the forest and taking in the feeling of the sun streaming through the trees to let its warmth land on his skin, and the sound of animals running round. The sounds which were both so familiar and yet so foriegn. “This is all...” 

“I know. One moment I was sitting in my room, the next I’m standing in the Tavern. And I mean, not my character but- but me.”

The unsteadiness in that voice was something Virgil wasn’t sure he had ever heard before. But then again, neither was this situation. “I’m at the fork,” was all he said. 

“Then get your ass over here.”

With that the “call” ended and Virgil found himself moving. Leave it to Piggy to calm him down to a state of action with so few words. He wasn’t sure anyone else he had ever known was capable of such a thing. 

Virgil moved quickly. He ran down the path following the way he knew but keeping his eyes peeled. Monsters had always been in this area, but when the Tavern had been opened the monsters had become some sort of a rite of passage. If someone couldn’t get past them, then they didn’t deserve to be in the Tavern in the first place. That’s why he and Piggy together had placed the sign post and the teleport spot at the fork. It was a test. One Virgil hoped he could pass. 

He gave a hard swallow as he continued on listening carefully to the sounds in the trees, bushes and forest floor. But not daring to stop long enough to wait for something to find him. He was close. The Tavern would be in the coming clearing. 

Ralph was waiting for him in the coming clearing. 

It was when the breeze ceased that rustling became clear. Virgil’s breath shuddered but he didn’t stop and draw the sword he could feel strapped to his back. Not yet. As it grew closer and it’s footsteps sounded heavy Virgil reached back his fingers closing on his sword hilt- ready. He would wait as long as he could- because he couldn’t afford a fight. He couldn't afford the risks he had thought he had enjoyed. 

Virgil could feel the roar of the monster in his bones- in his core. Tyren. A level 28 monster resembling a mix of wolf and cat with claws which hold poison. They were generally weak on their own. But they had a habit of traveling in packs. This wasn’t a fight he could win- not anymore. All he could do was run. 

His heart drummed faster in his chest with every step he took. His eyes were burning with unshed tears but he couldn’t let them fall and obscure his view. Not when he could see the Tavern. Not when in a few moments he knew he’d be able to see the sign for the Serpent’s Den. Another roar sounded to his right. Followed by one to his left. And the growling from nearly all sides. 

They were going to trap him. To get in front of him and surround him and then take their time ripping him apart. He wanted to puke. He wanted to feel like the walls weren’t closing in. He wanted to be back in his room- hell he’d go back to taking that fucking exam. He’d go back to anything. Anything but this. 

He launched himself into the clearing not daring to look back as the roars continued. He sprinted for the back door praying to anyone who would listen that the door would be open. Thankfully his prayers were swiftly answered as the door burst open and Ralph was standing there crossbow in hand. Despite himself Virgil felt his lips curl into a smile as he watched his friend take aim. He ran toward him not bothered with where Ralph was aiming. It could be to his heart for all Virgil cared, it would be better than being torn apart. But he heard the whistle of an arrow flying past his head and the screech of a pierced tyren. He didn’t dare look back. 

It was close. Ten steps. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. 

Virgil threw himself onto Ralph sending them both flying to the ground and he could only laugh in relief as they both hit the ground, and the door slammed shut behind him. 

Virgil closed his eyes letting his tears fall as he listened to the sound of Ralph’s heartbeat. Ralph himself did nothing simply laying there, not saying a word nor pushing Virgil away. But after a moment Virgil pulled himself off and Ralph moved himself into a sitting position. Today’s face scanning Virgil with eyes that screamed worry. 

“I’m okay,” Virgil said finally. 

“No you’re not,” he disagreed. “No one’s okay right now.”

Virgil only gave a nod as he wiped at his face. When he had he looked back to Simon’s face unsure of what to say or do- but he found his gaze drifting above his head to the screen name which still managed to float about his head, lordofthelies.

“This is too real,” he said finally. 

Simon gave a chuckle, “Not the word I’d pick, but yeah. You sure you’re okay?”

“None of them got me,” Virgil assured him, but seeing the disbelief in Simon’s face he continued. “But I never thought I’d be scared of tyrens ever again. Haven’t worried about them since I got past level 45.”

“I’m not sure if alcohol works here,” Simon said standing. His eyes darted around his office before he extended a hand. “Join me in finding out?”

“Hell yes.”

They drank and sat in a comfortable silence and it wasn’t until Virgil could really feel its mind numbing effects that he spoke again. “Customers?”

“None,” Jack replied. “Today was the peace talk remember? I had closed in order to prep for the guilds which had rented out the space for a private space to talk. They had just walked into the forest and me back into my office when...”

Virgil nodded and knocked back the rest of his glass and reached to get himself a refill. “I had been out scrap picking. I had just teleported.”

“Have you been able to reach anyone else?” 

Virgil shook his head, “I don’t even know how.”

“To be honest I’m not entirely sure either. I was just thinking that I needed to message you no matter what; and then I heard the sent sound. And then I could hear you.”

“Have you gotten anyone else?”

“A few. Tact, Rolls, Bilder67. But for those who aren’t responding I don’t know if it’s because they’re not logged in or because of something else.”

“They probably don’t know how.”

Piggy’s eyes showed overwhelming disbelief but he changed the subject. “You should get some sleep. I’m going to stay up in case anyone comes.”

“But-” 

“You know where my room is.”

Virgil wanted to argue, but the thought of sleep was enticing, so he made his way upstairs to the small little loft and flopped on the bed, drifting off near instantly. 

~~~~

“Morning.”

“Morning,” Virgil mumbled back, moving to sit at the bar counter. “No one came then?”

Simon shook his head then he sipped at what must’ve been coffee. “None. And I’ve only heard back from Tact... but I figured out a few things.”

“Like how to cook us breakfast?”

A smirk graced that face as he turned slightly to face Virgil. “I was going to explain that I figured how to use game controls but I mean if you want burned eggs I can do that instead.”

“You can’t cook?” Virgil asked in surprise. 

“Not well.”

“And you own a Tavern?”

“A virtual tavern. Why don’t you cook and I’ll explain?”

“Alright,” Virgil shrugged, hopping off his stool and making his way to the kitchen. He paused upon entering it, “How do I even access food? Is it in the cabinets? Or my inventory?”

“Ah, so you do need to know how to play.” Simon smiled. 

“Just hand me food.”

Simon shook his head, “You need to learn. Basically focus on what you usually see on the computer screen.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow but when Simon made no move to do anything he closed his eyes picturing his screen in his mind. In the top corner left would be his health. In the bottom right would be the mini map of the area, and his five saved skills. In the bottom left corner would be the inventory he’s wearing, the stats of his clothes and his sword. And in the top right would be the bar for him to access skills or inventory. Picturing it all he took a deep breath and opened his eyes and nearly stepped back in shock to see his screen as pictured. 

And he wasn’t exactly sure if he was shocked or relieved to see his HP at 73%. 

“Push inventory,” Simon advised. 

Virgil nodded and reached up to hit the word inventory and was surprised to see as the boxes appeared. For a few moments he scrolled through what he had, before he found some eggs and he apprehensively moved to tap the icon. Except his arm went into it and his fingers closed around a large egg. He pulled his arm back and the large egg came with it- he needed to take it in two hands to ensure he didn’t drop it. 

“Nice,” Simon nodded, moving past him to turn on the stove and setting a pan on the burner. “I want it over easy.”

“You’re getting scrambled.” Virgil replied, setting the egg on the counter and already searching his inventory for some milk. “This thing is too big for me to flip it. It’s scrambled or nothing.”

“Fine.”

They lapsed into silence as Virgil worked, but a question was still burning in his mind. “The Starter Village... it’s probably safest there, isn’t it?”

Jack gave a sigh, “Probably. But it’s also probably swarmed with people thinking the same.”

“Safety in numbers?”

“Chaos in crowds.”

“Avoid people then.”

“That’s not what I mean. I said I talked to Tact right? People are rioting in the Starter Village. And most cities. They’re gonna deplete all their resources. Meanwhile it’s just the two of us here, we’d last longer here. And if someone makes it here? Well, if we’re gonna survive we need strength. People who can make it here are strong. We know that much.”

“We don’t even know if we can make it here anymore,” Virgil pointed out as he put the eggs on a plate. “But I get what you mean. Is Tact coming here?”

Jack gave a shrug as he handed Virgil a fork and poked at the food. “I don’t know. He said he wanted to gather information first, but I doubt he’ll come this way until we figure out what happens when HP reaches zero. And if health potions work.”

“I hope they do.”

“Same. And when people do get here. I think we should lay low for a while. People will probably swarm you for new armor and swords. Maybe we can get more information from listening to the chaos. But it might be a few days before anyone comes.”

Virgil only nodded, not wanting to acknowledge that they could really be here that long. 

~~~~

Nine days. 

It had been nine days since Virgil found himself trapped in the game he had fallen in love with. And he still found there wasn’t much he could do. One day four he and Jack had been bored and daring enough to step outside the Tavern, to see how their swordsmanship fared against one another before even daring to take steps in the woods. 

From it Virgil had learned he could still use basic moves and swing his sword well enough. And he had also realized he could use his saved skills or very basic skills the same way he had accessed his inventory. But now one day nine neither he nor Jack had figured out how to do both simultaneously. And it seemed the few customers and coworkers which had trickled in didn't have a clue either. They had all run for their lives and stuck to the basic skills and had barely managed to make it to the Tavern. But all of them agreed that despite the danger outdoors the Tavern was safer than the cities which were rapidly running out of space, and due to fear of going hunting players were running out of money and had resorted to robbing one another. Virgil could only hope those people wouldn’t come his way. 

“Hey! Anthony! Get me another beer!”

Virgil only blinked at the drunk customer (blueskiesareyellow according to his screen name), “Hello sir, would you like to browse my shop?”

“Beer! I want to buy beer!”

“I’m sorry I don’t sell that item. But I do my best to sell all sorts of armor, weapons, and rare items. Would you like to look around?”

The man gave a look of disgust and began shouting at one of the Tavern girls, MannaM, to get him a beer. “Damn NPC. Good for nothing.”

A woman further down the bar gave a laugh, and Virgil recognized her as one of his repeat customers, FuckThisImTheB3st. “Be nice to my man Anthony. He’s got some good stuff to sell!”

Virgil gave him a slight smile, “Hello ma’am, would you like to browse my shop?”

“Not right now,” she dismissed. 

“Alright. Please let me know when I can be of service.”

On any other day this would be considered horribly slow. Only six customers, and two workers. Usually they were packed all days of the week with players gossiping information to be sold to the highest bidder. But now all they had was a depleting amount of food and alcohol to be sold. And Virgil wasn’t entirely sure what they would do when they’d run out of food, Simon claimed he was working on it but Virgil doubted he knew either. 

The slamming open of the Tavern door was something of a surprise. Then it walked three faces which Virgil recognized. Virgil tried to keep himself calm as one of which locked eyes with him and stormed up the counter and slammed his hands down on it. “I need the owner. Now.”

Virgil gave him a smile, “I am the owner of my shop. Would you like to browse?”

“What? No- I want the guy who owns this place.”

“I do my best to sell all sorts of armor, weapons, and rare items. Would you like to look around?”

“No! I want to speak to the owner.”

“I am the owner, sir. Would you like to browse-“

“Are you even listening to me?”

“He’s an NPC dumbass!” FuckThisImTheB3st shouted. 

Tact stepped up next to his companion. “Hello Anthony, May we gain entry to your shop?”

Virgil gave him a smile and moved out from the behind the bar and led the way to the hidden door. He unlocked it and stepped into his shop. Inside Simon stood holding out an armored vest to a player, kittycat=patt, but both looked up as Virgil entered. 

“Tact!” Simon smiled. “Good to see you.”

Tact gave a nod as he moved forward leaning on his cane as he did. “I’ve told you many times to call me by name and not that uncreative nickname.”

“And since when do I listen to you?”

“Roman! Remus!” kittycat=patt smiled. “It’s good to see you both! I haven’t seen you both since the Dragon Raid!”

“Patts!” <3getting2Dsat1 cheered running forward to embrace the other girl. The two started talking quickly and suddenly but Virgil was still trying to process that TheSwordTwins- aka the duo with their own YouTube Channel that Virgil had watched every video from were casually standing right in front of him. 

“Tony, lock the door?” Simon asked, stopping Virgil from staring. When the door was locked all of them sat down at the table leaving Virgil standing. 

“Hey Lies,” royaltyforroyalme or Roman started. “Can you tell your NPC to stop staring and leave?”

Simon paused before he shook his head, “He stays. Anyway Tact, why are we all here?”

“My name is Logan,” He corrected instantly. “I am a tactician for the pay, it’s not who I am. But as for why we all are here I have two pieces of information to share. And lucky you for you I won’t charge a fee.”

“How generous.”

“The first is I have seen first hand that just as when this game was purely game, revival is possible.”

“You’ve seen it?” kittycat=patt blurted.

Logan gave a nod, “I have. I had posted myself outside of the East Hospital and was awaiting to see if anyone revived. And someone had. Two evenings ago I was about to head back to the inn where I was staying when the tell tale glow of the building started and a player appeared in front of it proclaiming and crying in relief at still being alive. I kept my post until this morning and confirmed this was not a fluke by watching it happen multiple times and I also interviewed each of the revived players. Thus I can conclude that when a player's HP reaches zero they come back to life as a character should. But at the same time it doesn’t seem to be a pleasant experience.”

“I think that’s the best thing I've heard since this started,” Piggy commented, relaxing in his chair. “But what’s the second piece of information?”

“I have a theory- or perhaps hopeful thoughts on how to get out of here.”

“What is it?” Virgil blurted moving closer. 

“Ah, is that what it takes to get you to break character Anthony?” Logan asked, amused. 

“Answer the question.”

Logan nodded. “The main quest. This game was designed so that it would update itself when the main quest was completed. Perhaps a fix to the servers can free us. That’s why I asked you all here. Lies is not only a legendary holder, but one of the biggest names in the information trade. Roman and Remus each hold one as well, and when I called both they told me Patton was as well. And you Anthony are certainly high enough level to aid us.”

“That’s a gamble.”

“It is,” Logan acknowledged. “But it is better than simply sitting and waiting for rescue?”

“Wait,” Roman cut in. “You’re not an NPC?”

Virgil blinked, “No. I’m not.”

“Then why?”

“People are more likely to talk about things when they don't know they’re being listened to,” Piggy commented. “And now since the joke wasn’t as funny as I intended, Tony come sit.”

“I can’t go get a chair, everyone out there doesn't know I’m not an NPC.”

He patted his lap, “Sit.”

“Fuck off Piggy.”

“Am I not good enough to sit on?”

Virgil resisted the urge to punch him in the face as he looked back to Logan. “If the game reboots if the quest is cleared, wouldn’t that just kill us?”

“As I confirmed there is no death as we know it in this world, that is unlikely,” Logan replied. 

“But how are you going to do it? We’re still missing five swords. Not to mention the main quest is literally impossible. That’s why no one has done it!”

“There was no motivation to. Before the goal of most players was to simply enjoy the game for all about its main quest. We simply need to shift focus.”

Virgil shook his head, “Ralph tell him it’s impossible.”

Ralph paused in thought before he sighed. “We don’t have any better ideas at the moment. And at least it’s something.”

“What if we only have a limited number of lives?” Virgil tried. 

“There’s only one way to find out!” Remus cheered. “Roman! Stab me through the boob!”

Roman paid his brother no mind, “He does have a point. We don’t know if our luck will run out.”

“I think we should go for the swords,” kittycat=patt tossed in. “If it’s possible we can get out quicker shouldn’t we?”

“Do we know where the missing swords are?”

At that Logan turned to Jack, “What do you know?”

Jack gave a frown and his eyes flickered to Virgil before he crossed his arms over his chest. “Before we talk about that we should talk about logistics.”

“What's there to talk about?” Roman frowned. “Either you have the information or you don’t.”

“The game ends when one person collects all ten legendary swords. Shouldn’t we discuss who will be doing the holding of these swords? Because quite frankly I don’t know anyone sitting here well enough to believe you won’t steal everything and sell it.”

“I want to go home, not make money!” kittycats=patt said quickly. 

Logan gave a nod, “We both know I have gold to spare.”

“I want to get back to my life,” Roman agreed. 

“How much money do you think you’re all worth?” Remus asked. 

“Remus.”

“I’m kidding Ro! Kidding! I wanna get back too... mostly. I mean can you blame me? This is cool as hell.”

“I suggest we each hold onto our own swords until the end,” Logan stated, putting things back on track. “And as for acquiring more, I suggest the person who claims it carries it. And once we have them all between us we figure out how to clear the game itself. Until then we have no choice but to trust one another.”

For some reason Virgil wasn’t sure he liked that idea. 

“We’re going to need to practice fighting,” Virgil pointed out. “Jack we could leave the Tavern to MannaM and head to a low level area to grind and figure it out.”

Jack gave a nod of thought, “We certainly could.”

“Have any of you figured out how to use the skills?” kittycats=patt asked. “I can use the easy ones but I can’t do any combinations.”

“I can,” Remus tossed in. “You just gotta move and it kind of happens.”

“I’ll need you to be a bit more descriptive,” Logan frowned. 

Remus gave a shrug and pulled at the mustache on her face. “They just happened. Like muscle memory or something.”

“Hm, then training will need to proceed. Perhaps you can tell us what it is we will need to know about the other locations when we have?”

“No, I’ll tell you here,” Jack sighed. “I know this is the most secure spot. I can only hope your lips are sealed just as tightly.”

Virgil wanted to disapprove, but he knew Simon was right. “Well maybe first we should start with what swords you all have and then Simon and I can tell you everything we know?”

There was a pause as eyes looked round the table before Logan spoke, “I hold the Sword of Time.”

“I have the Sword of Ice and Water,” Patts announced. 

“Sword of Sound,” Remus put in. 

“Wind,” Roman said quickly. 

“Faces,” Simon finished. “As for the others, I know that two elemental swords are still fully unknown, some rumors say they are in circulation others say they are yet to be claimed. I personally believe there’s truth to both sides. One of them, likely the Sword of Stone, is in circulation, given the Sword of Flame is pretty distinct. Someone would know if it was used. The Swords of Darkness and Light are also both unclaimed. Tony has a theory on those. And then the Sword of Stars is in circulation. Last I knew it was in the hands of a guild, so Mr. Guild Hopper might know something.”

Roman crossed his arms, “I don’t.”

Simon didn’t seem convinced but he let it slide. “Tony, your theory?”

Virgil gave a sigh, “The location of the Sword of Darkness isn’t exactly a secret. But despite that no one has been able to get it given the pitch blackness, and the boss monster. According to the lore to the game, the sword belonged to a fallen angel who tried to attack the heavens. When he lost and died the sword created the barrier to protect him. Meanwhile the Sword of Light was considered tainted and needed to be purified. But my theory is this, that given the true quest of the game is to unite all the swords, that the Sword of Light and the Sword of Flame must both be used to retrieve The Sword of Darkness.”

“I don’t understand,” Logan frowned. “I understand wanting to use the Sword of Light but why Flame? It’s said that any lights are automatically extinguished within the dark.”

“Yes, but there’s multiple reports about the boss monster inside. Some seem to think it’s the fallen angel himself revived, some say it’s a dragon, some think both. But all seem to agree that they were certainly burned inside the dark. Now perhaps the Sword of Ice and Water could put it out. But if the Sword of Flame is used it could theoretically form a protective shield of flames to absorb those thrown at us. Or something to that effect.”

Logan paused and Virgil could see the wheels turning behind those glasses, the Tactician's mind working. “Then after training we’d need to go after the remaining sphinxes and gain clues about the Swords of Stars, Light, along the way.”

“I can continue to check in with my network,” Simon promised. “But we need to be careful about people knowing we’re going after the swords.”

Virgil gave a nod before a thought occurred to him, “Eric please do not tell R3M333. He’s not subtle.”

“He’s not that bad. He’s good at collecting information, just not keeping it...”

“Please Eric.”

“Fine.”

“Real quickly,” Roman put in. “What should I call you? Because you’re not-NPC has called you like ten different names.”

Eric blinked as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him, “Tony is a bit of a nerd. See my screen name is lordofthelies. But he read it first as lord of the flies, and ever since he calls me by the name of different characters from the book. But you guys can call me whatever, Lies, Lord, or-”

“Sexy?” Remus asked. 

Eric gave an awkward smile, “I was going to say my middle name is Dante. You can me that or Dee. Trapped in a game or not, I rather not give you my first name.”

“Pleasure to meet you Dee!” kittycats=patt smiled. “I’m Patton! Call me that or Patt! But before we leave, can I buy some armor off of you too? As much as I love this outfit it’s not good for defense.”

Virgil paused looking over Patt’s oversized skirt and heels silently wondering how she had managed to make it to the Tavern in the first place. “Yeah feel free to look around my shop.”

~~~~

“You think this is all a terrible idea don’t you?”

Virgil looked up from where he was sitting on Dee’s bed and gave a slight nod, “I don’t trust them. And yet we just told them everything, Dee.”

“Not everything.”

“Oh?”

Dee raised an eyebrow as he sat beside Virgil on the bed, “I know you lied about your theory. That’s not it at all.”

Virgil gave a shrug, “You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do. I may not have heard your theory before but I know that’s not it. I just know you’re a good liar. But I also won’t ask you to tell me what it is.”

Virgil looked into his eyes- those actual eyes. The way Dee has designed the character before he had earned his legendary sword. “Then what are you asking of me?”

“I ask that you don’t trust anyone.”

“I take it that includes you?”

“I’m number one on that list.”

Virgil gave a yawn as he laid back on the bed, “Then make sure I’m number one in yours.”

~~~~

Level One - Level Two - Level Three

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 502

Watched this episode after winning Wynonna Earp trivia (fuck yeah, The Shit Tickets!) at a bar, put on by a queer af podcast, followed by going to see a queer af movie, and was all ready to get my Beauchamp fix... And it was like oh here’s a taste and a hint that we’re gonna end up in a story line similar to what we’ve already done multiple times, but now on to the menfolk.

For real though, this episode was like an OL greatest hits clip show. It had all the stuff we’ve seen before. A time traveler who wants to go home? Check. Rape PTSD? Check. A man being a dad to a kid who isn’t/might not be his? Check. That same man being the absolute worst? Check. Claire being reckless with future medicine? Check. Townsfolk questioning Claire’s medical knowledge in favor of the local Man of Importance? Check. Jamie trying to be on both sides at once? Check. A villain who seemed to have died the previous season and should have fucking stayed dead? Check.

We’ve literally seen all of this stuff before.

For a show that spent the first part of season two claiming to be a political drama and then last season claiming that they “weren’t political” I see we’re back to just leaning hard into politics that have direct parallels today.

No fucks left to give about the system Murtz is kind of my favorite Murtz. Like this dude spent his whole life living by a code and an oath and was fucked over by the system so many fucking times that he’s ready to just burn it all down. Curious to see how they walk the domestic terrorist vs. freedom fighter line with him for the rest of the season.

Got all excited about the bread title card because yay medicinal mold, but of course, the lead character was relegated to the B story.

Old timey medicine baffles me. Like the fact that bleeding someone was like a catchall remedy boggles the mind.

I feel rull bad for Mrs. Whoeverthefuck though. She tried.

Also, shit like this makes me be like, yo Claire, you sure you wanna stay here? Jamie’s really not all that and a bag of chips. But you do you, boo.

Speaking of Jamie, his hair looks really good. A thousand fruit baskets to the new wig person.

Lulz at Knox thinking the Gathering was about being loyal to king and country. Dummy.

Srsly though, Murtz Valmurtz is really getting under their skin. Is he like the *only* Regulator leader?

The convo between Knox and Jamie is literally as relevant today as it is in the 1770s. But yeah, the show IsN’t PoLiTiCaL.

The fact that fuckers think those at the bottom should be happy with their lot because “lol it could be worse” need to be punched in the face and taken out of power. Stat.

Also any time someone in power talks about civility as a reason not to rise up against injustice, I want to punch them. Because they deserve it.

I want to punch a lot of things.

This whole episode is very Les Mis, tbh.

Literalol at Claire covering dead guy’s face and not his body cavity before Bree comes in.

Aw Bree, why you gotta be a buzzkill? We were cheated of badass Doctor!Claire in S3. Let us have this.

Also, yeah, Claire, Bree’s fucking right. Which you’d think you’d know by now what with alL THE FUCKING TIMES YOU’VE BEEN CALLED A WITCH. AND NOW YOU’RE UPPING YOUR GAME TO LIKE NECROMANCY?!

Also the more she says no one will find out the more annoying it is because *clearly* someone *is* gonna find out and we’re gonna be back on the “she’s a witch!” “I’m not a witch!” “you literally have a dead guy in your closet!” merry-go-round again.

Today in most on-the-nose shots ever: How convenient that Marsali just happens to be doing some butchering right there, right then.

Petition for the show to go full Shondaland and just turn into a backwoods medical drama with Claire and Marsali, and all the others (cough the men cough) can fuck on off.

Tarring and feathering is like the old timey version of #AlwaysPunchAFascist but dialed to 11.

Oh the baggage behind Jamie saying redcoat man will someday wear his scars with honor that none of these fuckers know about...

Ok so clearly the English know that Claire’s a doctor so whenever shit hits the witchy dead dude fan, can we please have a quick resolution and not that dumb af “Claire goes to jail and of course her cellmate is a lesbian because Diana sucks at writing queer characters” nonsense?

Man Jamie is *not* subtle with this convo at the jail. Like Knox is right there and he’s just like hey buddies, I have people and we’re Scottish and y’know how we feel about protecting people vs. obeying the English.

I AM SPARTACUS FITZGIBBONS!

Aaand, naturally, the fuckwit preaching civility is the one to kill a man in cold blood. Rise up, motherfuckers. Rise up.

THANK FUCK ROGER IS A TERRIBLE SHOT BECAUSE IF THAT SQUIRREL DIED I WOULD LEGIT QUIT THE SHOW. RUN AWAY AND BE FREEEEEE YOU PRECIOUS LIL WILDERNESS FLOOFER!

Roger is, and I cannot stress this enough, the fucking worst.

He’s like look how shitty I am at being a soldier but then bitches about having to try to learn. And then he bitches about how dumb it is to shoot at squirrels as if being able to hit a squirrel wouldn’t make hitting a much larger thing, like a man who is shooting back at you, that much easier. And also, how the fuck does he think they get meat to eat? Shooting it, you twatwaffle.

And he’s like so fucking butthurt about being left behind. Like no shit, asshat. You’re bad at being in the past and have made no real effort and you whine a lot and are generally the worst. Of *course* you were left behind. Stop being emo about it and maybe actually try.

“He doesn’t respect me, Bree.” Yeah, no shit. Because you’ve done LITERALLY NOTHING to earn his respect. WHY ARE YOU SO TERRIBLE IT’S LIKE THEY’RE INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO MAKE HIM SUCK.

He also is like butthurt that his wife is a better shot than him when she gets the turkey he misses. How the fuck are we supposed to ship this. Ugh.

#BreeDeservesBetter

Oh Bree, sweetie, Jem won’t get hit by a car, but there are like eleventy million ways to die in the past. Just stick with the “you want to stay with your family” stuff.

Roger clearly doesn’t want to stay and is gonna pull a Fred and make Bree feel bad about wanting to all season, isn’t he. Fahkin’ doucherocket.

“I want to go but I’ll stay for you and look how magnanimous I am as I whine about it and make no effort to acclimate to the time.” Take your martyr card and shove it, Rog.

Shorter Jamie Fraser: “If you stand for nothing, Knox, what’ll you fall for?”

I’m already over Roger singing all the time tbh. Mostly because it reminds me that soon he won’t be able to do that anymore and we’re gonna be subjected to like half a season of him being more insufferable than he already is.

Wait, was Joan already born last episode? Or was there another time jump? Is Marsali preggers with baby #3? I lost track.

I love this scene between Claire and Marsali with my whole heart. Marsali especially.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST HAVE A WHOLE SHOW OF THESE TWO BEING ALL BADASS AND DOCTORY TOGETHER!?

Although, quick question, how fucking long is Claire planning to keep that un-embalmed body lying around in an un-refrigerated surgery/root cellar? Just curious...

Because you know someone’s gonna find it eventually and that’s gonna be a whole to do and I really need to stop being preemptively annoyed at plot lines that haven’t actually happened yet.

And with all this talk of plowshares and swords, I really am going to be singing Les Mis for days...

How long have these biddies been living on the Ridge? The fucking Leoch folks spent like a minute with Claire before they were like yep, she knows what’s up. These folks have apparently been here for months and are like loool, pass. They live in the fucking woods. You’d think they’d be more open to Claire’s brand of medicine.

Omg are they like the accidental antivaxxers of the Ridge?

#VaccinateYourFuckingKids

I mean, Bree, I think there’s some difference between Claire pretending to be a dude doc and telling folks to wash their hands and Otter Tooth.

Season 2 Claire and Otter Tooth on the other hand...

Ok so Jamie needs more men so that means next week is AHS: Beardsley Farm and then maybe (hopefully) instead of being like lol jk you can all go home, it actually goes right into the battle thing. Still not sure if they’re gonna do Roger getting hanged as the mid-season big thingy and then do the Bonnet nonsense in the back half or keep trying to do both of those at once.

Hey, Roger, pro-tip, next time you see Morag MacKenzie, maybe don’t fuCKING MAKE OUT WITH HER YOU FUCKING DUMBASS.

Claire’s totally right about how they should go back. Honestly, they should. But instead of talking with her like Claire is now with Roger, he’s just being all moody about how he’s bad at the past and wants to go back. You’re shooting yourself in the foot, broski.

Oh hey Husband the Quaker. And is that a fellow Quaker named Hunter with him? Are we gonna get Denny and Rachel this season?! Please and thank you that’d be great, I love them.

Murtz talking to his squad is full on Enjolras being like don’t worry fam, Marius will stand and fight with us. His place is there, he’ll fight with you.

The two very different but very similar ways Murtz and Jamie approach being Laird of their squads is fun to explore.

Bree lecturing Claire about changing the future by saving a few backwater hicks like Claire didn’t spend years trying to fucking change all of Scottish history is a bit rich. Like writers, we get it, you’re trying to be like oh snap, wait for the consequences of this bread!science! But like come the fuck on. We sat through all of season two.

“You’re a good dad, you know that?” Oh man, I’m getting that déjà vu about a shitty man getting kudos for being a good dad to a kid as if that negates all of his shittiness.

Oh hey, Bonnet’s back. Clearly we couldn’t have just let him die last season. Gotta drag shit on for longer than it has to. This is the [Outlander] Way.

If they were gonna keep him around as a villain, they shouldn’t have (in addition to all the other reasons) included him raping Bree. Jamie, Murtagh and Bonnet all making choices within and outside of the law to various degrees in order to make their living in the Colonies would be a really interesting contrast. But nope, gotta just go all in. BeCaUsE tHe BoOk.

Also I hate with the passion of a thousand fiery suns the Jemmy’s paternity stuff. Le sigh.

Remember in season one when the show was about Claire and she was in episodes for longer than 10 minutes?

I miss Claire.

[dust2dust34]

It’s Always Been You (4/6, Olicity AU, T)

Summary: We get the origin of ‘Olicity,’ hear Oliver’s ‘f*ck you, Ray’ voice, and wait, who kissed who first?

A/N: Read previous chapters here. Thank you so much for the amazing response! I really enjoy this update, I hope you do, too!

(read on AO3)

*

Wine. Stat.

Streamers, balloons, and cheap flashing lights bombarded them when they walked into the decked-out gymnasium. Starling City High had gone all out, recreating a visual monstrosity she thought only existed in the movies.

“Oh my,” Felicity said.

“Tommy doesn’t know how to do understated.”

“He never did, if I remember correctly. It actually makes the fact that he’s principal even funnier, honestly. And on that note, how exactly did that happen?”

People spotted Oliver as if he had a neon sign plastered to his forehead.

The greetings and shoulder hits were for him. She got the double takes. Admittedly it was probably because she looked nothing like she used to, but it was also likely because she was with the Oliver Queen. The thought ‘Oh god, this is a monumentally bad idea’ hit her just as Oliver stiffened under the barrage. And he didn’t pause long enough for people to talk past the greetings. Actually, he seemed as uncomfortable as she felt being at the center of it with him.

“Tommy becoming principal?” Oliver asked, continuing their conversation despite the people interrupting. “It started with his mom, actually. You know the Merlyns have those clinics in the Glades? She extended those services to the high schools when the budgets started getting too tight to keep anyone on-staff, and it eventually morphed into other things, like counseling. When she got cancer, Tommy took over, and one second he was working with kids in the clinics, then he was at the schools, and then he was on staff here. He says he charmed his way into the job, but it’s actually because he’s really good at it. Shockingly good, even. And he’s amazing with the kids.”

“And is Laurel a teacher here, too?” Felicity asked, noticing the leggy woman at the beverage bar where she helped make drinks. Her yearning for wine evaporated.

“No,” he replied. “She’s a lawyer. But she’s heavily involved with things here.”

“So it’s true what they say about school spirit never dying?”

Oliver chuckled. “No. More a hazard of being married to the principal.”

“Uh… Huh?” Felicity looked up at him. “Please explain that sentence.”

A loud, “Oh my god,” stopped Oliver before he could.

They both stopped short when a familiar face appeared before them. Cisco Ramon looked exactly like he did in high school - same hair, same faux-suit shirt with a loose jacket, and the same excited look as his eyes darted between them with a grin.

“You two.”

Oh god.

“Cisco. No,” Felicity said firmly. “And also, hi, it’s been so long. Please stop talking. Bye.”

She grabbed Oliver’s arm to move around him, but Cisco dodged in front of her before they could get away. “Oh no, I don’t think so, Smoak. Because I knew it.”

“Knew what?” Oliver asked.

Or she thought he asked that. She vaguely heard the question coming from the general area where he stood, but it got lost in the rush of white noise crashing through her ears.

“Did she tell you what I used to call you guys?” Cisco asked.

“No,” Felicity said loudly. Very loudly, judging by the people turning to look from around them.

“Olicity.” Cisco grinned, his entire face animated as he waited for a response. “Right? Oliver. Felicity. Olicity. I always saw you guys hunkered together at the little table in the library, and you always started at opposite ends of the table, but by the end of the day, you were…” He made a noise as he clapped his hands. “A walking, talking trope come to life right before my eyes. I knew something was going on between you two and now here you are. C’mon, gimme the deets, when did this happen? Right after high school, right? How come I haven’t heard anything about this?”

Felicity was too stunned to do anything save for whispering, “Oh god.”

“Oh, hey!” Cisco said to someone over her shoulder. He pointed at her, then Oliver. “I expect the full story. With pictures, if possible.”

And then he was off.

Felicity blinked. “Did that just happen?”

“I think it did,” Oliver said and oh dear god, that only reminded her that Oliver heard those words coming out of Cisco’s mouth. Felicity groaned and she bowed her head. She tried to take her hand back from him to cover her face, but he didn’t let her, instead tugging her closer as he turned her to face him. It would have been sweet except she could hear the laughter in his voice as he asked, “Olicity, huh?”

“Oh no. No, sorry, no, that’s not an applicable topic of conversation tonight. Nope. That didn’t happen.” Felicity flashed him a falsely bright smile. “Hey, you wanna get drunk? Let’s get drunk.”

He laughed and smoothed his free hand down her arm. “I think it’s catchy. What’s a trope?”

“It’s nothing we’re going to be talking about,” Felicity replied and it only made him laugh more. She meant to glare up at him, but the sight of that toothy grin and the crinkles at his eyes and the dimples and… And it only reminded her that the word ‘Olicity’ had been spoken to his face. “I suddenly really don’t care who’s serving the drinks, let’s get something because I doubt that will be the last interruption-”

“Felicity!”

“Frak,” she breathed, freezing at the voice, immediately recognizing it. She made a face and then plastered on a smile as she turned. “Ray. Hi.”

“Hey.” The Superman-esque man bounced up to them with an infectious grin. It dimmed slightly when he saw Oliver, but it didn’t go away, especially when he turned all of it right back at her. “It’s so good to see you. I haven’t seen you since that conference in Vegas. I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

This was truly the night from hell. It was almost laughable that she had thought this would be a good idea. She was a moron.

“It was a last minute decision,” Felicity said. She yanked on Oliver’s arm. “You know Oliver, right?”

“Of course,” Ray replied, holding his hand out. “Oliver Queen. I hear you’re teaching here now.”

“Ray.” The sudden change in the cadence in his voice sent an unexpected shiver down Felicity’s spine. It distracted her enough from the unwanted walk down memory lane as she looked up at him, watching a smile that was decidedly not genuine. Oliver shook Ray’s hand. “I do teach here, yes.”

Felicity had never put much stock in the deep voice thing, but now? She kind of got it.

“We were just about to hit the dance floor,” Oliver continued.

“Yes,” Felicity added, stepping towards the area where people were already moving in a giant group to whatever song was playing. It didn’t matter, in the slightest. “We were. Gotta fill that dancing card.”

“Save a dance for me, maybe?” Ray asked.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Felicity didn’t have to drag Oliver out to the dance floor, he was right behind her. One hand hovered on her back, warm and steady, and his other grabbed her elbow to steer her towards the farther edges of the group. It was only then she realized she’d been headed straight for the middle, as if all the dancing bodies would hide her from any other familiar faces. Which was the exact opposite point of a reunion, wasn’t it? Why had she thought this would be fun? She wanted to blame Curtis, and she consciously did…

But a voice reminded her that there had been another reason altogether.

That reason stopped short and pulled her against his chest as a slower song came on. He wrapped an arm around her and captured her other hand in his as he started swaying.

“What is my life right now?” Felicity asked under her breath.

“What?”

“Nothing. Nothing, just… A lot has happened already, right? Like, a lot.”

“It has. I figured at least out here, people would wait until the song was over before trying to walk down memory lane.” He looked down at her. “I hope that was okay what I did back there, with the dancing. It was the only thing I could think of to get out of that. He really hasn’t changed since high school.”

“Definitely okay. Definitely. You’re the only one I want to dance with.”

A slow smile pulled at his lips. “Yeah?”

“You always have been.”

Did she really just say that?

She decided she didn’t care as she watched his smile grow. It took over his entire face, and she thought, God, he’s beautiful.

“I usually hate dancing,” he mused softly even as he slid his hand up her back and tugged her closer. Felicity gladly leaned into his embrace. His hand sprawled over her upper back, cocooning her, and she wound her arm around him as he started running his fingertips up and down her spine.

Warmth unfurled deep inside her.

“Well, I’m glad to be the exception,” she replied as she let herself snuggle into his chest. He wrapped her up and her eyes fluttered shut. His stubble chin brushed the top of her head, then her forehead…

When he pressed a kiss to her temple, she couldn’t hide her sigh.

He stiffened.

“Is that okay?” Oliver asked quietly and she looked up at him. “I’m just now realizing we didn’t really talk about what we’re doing here, and I keep doing that. Kissing your forehead. If that’s not okay, I’ll-”

“No, please. I like it. It’s… nice. Besides, you already kissed me earlier, so it’s not anything new, per se-”

Oliver furrowed his brow. “You kissed me.”

“What? No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Oliver, I have that entire interaction memorized,” Felicity told him. “Me busting into your coffee shop bubble - and trust me, I have gone over that moment so many times because how didn’t I know that was you? Because I should have. But I was so crazy and not thinking and also, what are the odds? And then you were you, and then you asked me if I needed a boyfriend, and you said, you know… what you said, and then you leaned in and you… You kissed me.”

“That all happened, yes, except I didn’t go all the way.”

Felicity frowned. “Yes, you did.”

His smile was pinched as if he wanted to break out into a full-fledged grin. “No. I didn’t. You kissed me, Felicity.”

“No,” she argued, rewinding back to that moment. “No, I… I… Oh god, I did. I kissed you, didn’t I? Oh god, I blocked that part. Because I threw myself at you. Not even smooth throwing, just throwing. That was our first kiss? That’s not good. That’s a horrible first kiss. Not that I’m insinuating there’s going to be more. Especially if that’s what we’ll be following up-”

“I don’t know, I actually liked it.”

“Oh, really?” she asked. “You like when people just go right for it, like…” Felicity put two fingers together and pushed them up against his lips with a definitive, “That.”

A steady bolt of awareness arched between them as they both stopped moving. They stared at each other for a beat until common sense knocked reality back into her head. Just as she felt his lips - his very soft, very kissable lips - moving under her fingers, she yanked them back.

Ha, and he was worried about kissing her forehead when here she was finger molesting his mouth-

Why did her brain think the way it did?

“You know,” Oliver mused as she flushed at her thoughts, ducking her head. “We could try again.”

“What?” Felicity asked, jerking her head up again.

He stared at her intently and her stomach bottomed out. She was suddenly vividly aware of his hand in hers, that his fingers were stroking hers, that he dragged his thumb up and down her palm. He slowly licked his lips and her eyes dropped to his mouth.

“Can I kiss you, Felicity?”

She couldn’t have looked away from him even if she wanted to, and it was then she knew he had her. Completely. Totally. And she didn’t want to be anywhere else. Not for anything. Not when the boy she’d had a crush on for as long as she could remember looked at her like that, when he held her as if maybe, just maybe, there was more going on here, that maybe…

She nodded.

Oliver leaned in, brushing his nose against hers, his lips caressing hers in a hint of what was to come…

A promise.

Felicity sighed, melting into him.

He kissed her.

Soft, so soft. She parted her lips, just a bit, just enough to get more as she kissed him back. Hints of mint and something that was solely him flooded her senses. They moved together, kissing, tasting, gentle and easy. His tongue drifted over her lips and she made a tiny noise of approval, angling her head to match his as she sought out more of him, her hand sliding up to cup his jaw. His fingers dug into her back at the touch, a little moan slipping out. The needy sound hit her square in the chest. Her heart squeezed and she arched up on her toes to get as close as possible, wanting nothing more than to kiss this man for the rest of her life…

And she did, she thought. She wanted that.

And maybe he did, too.

They pulled apart slowly, but not completely. Both of them chased chaste kisses from the other that set her entire being on fire.

God, she couldn’t catch her breath.

“Felicity?” Oliver finally whispered, his voice ragged and thick.

“Hmm?”

He pulled back to look at her. He was even more gorgeous with flushed cheeks and wet lips.

“I need to ask you for that favor now.”

*

Thank you for reading! More tomorrow! Reviews literally feed the soul and muse!

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Get born treasure and come follow me when he heard as he became very sorrowful because he Luke 1818 and there are Jesus was asking this man who is rich and successful would you give it all up to follow me would you forfeit for a Slant Sit Up Lean Forward Ask Questions Nod Your Head T Shirt few years in order to have much more for eternity instead of building a career would you spend your life building 19 Jesus wants to be first and foremost in your life you want to be front and center as he should be. He asked Sherry color here’s your twisted Sherry rotating special this one has parts on so this is one of the new LED lights guys this slight changes depending on the leaning also different lights on this headlamp will eliminate depending on which way strikes cheerleading the bike this was that the effects got seats in a day or bars on it Doesn’t have the stage for awnings at the scene he ported heads said this was God the screaming of mufflers they change the mufflers this year guys this radio mufflers is not a lot better this year so those of you who always is kind of a Smith screaming of mufflersand and aftermarket granite you find this year that the screaming of mufflers a little better yes answer question Mario Lego yes the 114 comes on this bike so based on the motor they did this this lady is a 117 I hear here’s another cool thing guys are like they had these bad genes for the campfire cover you can put in the displacements so you know 42 motor workand nobody knows what’s in there so now you got a tag you Miller for a 114 or 117 or whatever it is no sexy some nights I was kinda done that in a light to do that last year Apple car play that’s a good question Glenn Watts I got a look into thatand I honestly I’m not an expert on the infotainment system yet it’s aligned in one day I gotta get my hands on its on their on the current Latina system I consider myself a pretty dang good that had two bikes with it on their but the new system I don’t know yet know that the LED Denny colitis definite standard guys to answer that question here is this is a PNA nothing set partsand accessories paint set guys so this is called the grandstand I ordered this pink stat on a road glide this year so if you guys follow my channel you will see any building not meet our technicians building a road glide with this grandstand pain I there’s no news on an iron guys irons exact same bike they just change the pain on the spike of assassin accessories on it this is a road king special by the way that the new day maker headlamp my bike Henry Lenny about the Santos man data gaskets the the delights in the slam is a rotating standard in the Connecticut green this was all decked out in parts accessories so you barsand everything on it these bikes will roll out the new there is currently guys they should be your dears right now we we had bikes arrived yesterday the day of the announcement these bikes are shipped out to dealers kill the green that youand sorry greens for that so here’s the stuff on any trikes guys so you got a new braking system here so you got the links brake system with ABS traction control you have a traction control on these bikes now guys so I’m in a ride in a try committed to a big in depth review this year guys on the trikes to be looking for that family commenting all the new the brakes on the breaking ABS braking systemand the new traction control as well on his bikes here’s a free Wheeler this is the salts Bonneville salt pearl so I know old dirty biker today guys I apologize there’s another TRICARE try to buy for you system yes the door locks so I have a rawhide deluxe over here I’ll show you a quick though yes but I do lots answering digital locks this is the rawhide years like the rawhide to me now Ellis a root beer I agree with the comments there is one new actual model this year guys really got asked the question it’s right here to steal this the one new model is to recap on what’s new guys there’s someone you model that makes DL the specialsand the altar limited the road but also all went to 114 this year that’s new to infotainment systemsand all the bikes have infotainment system are new there’s a brand new infotainment system this year guys know it does not retrofit back to the old models here is a billiard blue slant OF this one yet Ryan just has the Akronand there’s no model name is called an ethics VR of those kind of weird to good question robot special colors you have memorized you guys I think it’s black billiard blue industrial gradesand himand I think those like that Connecticut green in a Blue Max setting are the colors I could be wrong that I like is a level of colors memorize yet yet a new headlight that rotates that’s a PNA bike arts using a PNA partand accessory parts you can only buy that the parts catalog it does not come stock on any bike but somebody none timeand let me know he is want to see the me know he is on a see here is a rocking serious Iand I answer the question via the new infotainment system cannot be retrofitted back to the old model bikes unfortunately so if you want yeah by 2019 yes I had amount videos all the videos that you see much as I do all that 100 is 1 million questions what bikes you want to see let me know thank you I appreciate it thank you guys closer guys thing on himand he went on the videos here pretty soon I think I got my stuff John Maxwell’s okay on my channel I have a video with him up maybe tomorrow afternoon or something three glide see Bob CVO altar versus road glide on the s’more robotand streetlight stuff gorse orange like a fat boy hoping to have all those guys here’s a robot special in the billiard blue is billiard blues nice guys gave you in the colors I order a lot of it’s really nice you is that still reflects guys think together the right is at a production viewer does not exist anymore guys I’ll be testifying guys new bikes soon the first by comeand try to do it then you ethics VR vacuum to read you a lot of my reviews this year guys because the specials all have a 114and are now I agree Nathan John that you should move to LA work at Laidlaw’s I agree so somebody asked for that still reflects color with find a I know I know I’m gone is the bunch of the colors on the streetlight over here okay so here’s that silver flux you about 1000 people watching right now so. I want to hear what all of you think to review the results of it on Thursday actually Thursdays going to be our twitch show where we do the entire show on twitch so that should be a new thing that we do good night everybody you have a good night and I everybody I want to up the ending so I’m switching your way for actually I you’re right Billy you know what guys I Billy brought up something else before he rage quit I have I you know what I’m glad you brought this up before he rage quit Billy because you distracted me by the way I have time now I have to do push ups and other stuff on a wartlike ground view up we put on the floor we would be doing pretty you how many when he going to do 10 yeah I can do it 10 push ups yeah I can do it unsatisfied I can do 10 push ups and I to zap myself he remembered and he distracted me with like it’s rage quit and move that thing back you pull to do it like her and yeah I don’t have the extension will you do dang well here hold on source sorry Jeff

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[the-endless-storm]

Nuzlocke Shield Part Four

Part Three

An we are off again. Three zones to go through to get to Hammerlocke, let's see what we get.

Stony Wilderness it is snowing, and we get Sneasel, which is a dupe so let's try for a second one. It's a Chubcoo.

Oreo - Chubcoo (m) Slush Rush Sassy (SDf up / Spd down) “It scatters things often!”

Giant's Cap is sunny (thank god) and we get Lombre! Wasn’t expecting this.

Pina Colada - Lombre (m) Rain Dish Docile (no change) “It's impetuous and silly!”

Lastly Hammerlocke Hills is raining and we get Pelipper. Meh.

Febreeze - Peilipper (f) Drizzle Modest (SAk up / Atk down) “It's very finicky!” Rainy Mark

This is the first Pokemon I’ve caught that had a mark on it, but it's not enough to warrant putting Pelipper on my team.

I see Bede and the Chairman in the middle of Hammerlocke, but let's do some exploring before story time. First up, a house with a Blakckbelt and a level 2 Cottonee. Um ok.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I forgot about Endevour. It left Snapper with 1 HP! That could have been a disaster!

I’m wary about going into the Battle Cafe. I know they're double battles against fairy types, and the only effective move I have at the moment is Acid on a baby Pokemon. So I’ll give that a miss for the moment, maybe come back when Toxel has evolved and I have some Steel moves somewhere.

Mmm, Chairman Rose knows exactly what he's doing walking around the city in those shorts. There's a guy outside the far left Pokemon Centre, trying to meet someone. Maybe if Chairman Rose spent more time on Grindr he wouldn’t want to resurrect ancient deities.

I wish we had a chance to explore more of the castle part of Hammerlocke. There are loads of paths and stairwells with gates on them that look like they should open up.

Anyway, let’s see what Route 6 has on offer, thankfully not another damn Ice type.

Oh wait, Team Yell first.

Yay, Jett is evolving into Toxtricity Amped Form!

Ah! Bullseye is evolving in Mudsdale too! Awesome sauce.

Ok finally back to Route 6 and our encounter is a Heatmor! Interesting, I have genuinely never used this Pokemon before.

Otis - Heatmor (m) Flash Fire Modest (SAk up / Atk down) “It takes plenty of siestas!” Rowdy Mark

I think I’m going to swap out Carcoal for Heatmor. It has better stats and isn’t four times weak to Water and Ground. There's a TM for Fire Spin in the Hammerlocke shop too, and whilst it's not the greatest attack it should cover Heatmor until it learns something else.

While I’m back here, I’ll check the Move Relearner for my newly evolved Pokemon too. Heatmor can relearn Incinerate, so Fire Spin isn't needed now. If money weren’t so easy to come by I might be upset about spending 10k.

Get to the end of Route 6 and the dumb fuck trainer has his Koffing use Self Destruct, good thing I swapped Otis out for Snapper otherwise that could have been a short career again.

I like Stow-on-Side, it's good a good look to it. No encounters here though, so I'll head up to the mushroom forest bit and see if I can catch a Psychic, Ghost or Dark type and not another useless bird or something.

Dammit Hop leave me alone.

Dammit Opal leave me alone.

Dammit Team Yell leave me alone. Can’t do anything I want these days.

Fine, Glimwood Tangle is out of the question until I beat Allister. Going to go train a bit.

Got everyone up to 35-36 and raided a few dens to get some TRs that really didn’t help a great deal with moves. A lot of my team have totally the wrong natures, boosting Attack when Special Attack would be better and vice versa (Toxtricity being a prime example). But we'll see where we go.

Also Drumroll has evolved into a Rillaboom. This play through is notably the first time I have used one of the starters, as I generally dislike all three in this game.

Time to hit the Gym.

The trainers didn’t put up much of a fight, but I’m wary of GMax Gengar doing a lot of damage because I don’t have anything that resists Ghost attacks. I hope Drednaw will be fast enough to get off a Max Darkness and survive anything Gengar throws at her.

Not faster than Gengar, but Gengar used Max Ooze which Snapper resists, and the Max Darkness KO'd it.

Ghost Badge get!

Dammit Bede leave me alone

If Rose disqualifies Bede in the name of keeping things fair, shouldn’t help also disqualify Marnie (or at least issue a warning) as a result of her supporters actively attempting to sabotage other gym challengers?

Dammit Sinistea leave me alo... oh no never mind. Sinistea you can stay :)

Chamomile - Sinistea (g) Weak Armour Gentle (SDf up / Dfc down) “It likes to fight!” Vigor Mark

Goodbye Machoke, Sinistea is on the team. I'll use the Cracked Pot I have to immediately evolve it into Polteageist, and as always check back with the Move Relearner.

I'm half way through the Gym Challenge. I have two zones left to explore in the Wild Area (Dusty Bowl and Giant's Mirror) not counting the two I need to cross water to reach. I’m in no immediate need for new Pokemon right now, so I’ll see what the weather is like on them going forward and visit when it's not snowing or raining.

I love Ballonlea, it's such an amazing looking town. This is the best looking location in the entire game, it's like all the design budget went here instead of being shared out elsewhere.

Got some eviolite, useless atm but you never know if I might need it in the future.

Let’s take on Opal and get that out of the way.

A trainer's Morgrem almost knocked out Chamomile with an attack, but luckily I was faster and able to take it down first. Close though.

Bullseye makes quick work of both Weezing and Mawile, and Opal's stat boosts certainly don’t go amiss. I was intending to use Jett here, but with Bullseye's Stamina boosting its defence, plus a speed and special defence boost from Opal she might not be needed.

It took three Max Steelspike's but Alcreamie fell to Bullseye. Opal only asked two of her three questions.

Fairy Badge get!

Back to Hammerlocke and Chairman Rose's Grindr hook-up is still waiting at the Pokecentre. I think now that I’m back I’ll do the Battle Cafe I skipped last time.

Oh fuck yeah, they're level 37 each. If I’d tried this back when I thought about it I would have been under level 30 and it would have been game over for me.

What a crap prize. An item that restores 20HP. Wowee.

Eww Bede is here again. Gross.

Let's do the two spots in the Wild Area now to get them done and out of the way before I head to Circhester.

Giant's Mirror gets me a Roselia. Not great tbh. Oops, knocked it out. Oh well.

Dusty Bowl gets me a Dubwool. A Dubwool!? Of all the Pokemon in the Wild Area I get the big goat!? Ffs.

Babs - Dubwool (f) Fluffy Relaxed (Dfc up / Spd down) “It's capable of taking hits!”

Back to Hammerlocke, past Sonia and the pointless bit of storyline that has no impact. Though it is refreshing to hear characters say “this isn’t for kids to worry about” instead of the fate of the universe resting firmly on your shoulders while the elite trainers sit and watch as is the norm in most Pokemon games.

God do I have to fight Hop AGAIN!?

“The way you battle, it kind of reminds me of Lee” you mean, well using proper strategy and skill instead that'a expected of someone aiming to be the champion, Mr “ive studied all my brother's battles, now wooloo use tackle on the steel type”?

“Now have a taste of our true power!” Water attack against a grass type. Ok.

Route encounter is a Corviknight, so another dupe. Next one is a Shelmet. Ok, I like Shelmet, but being unable to evolve it makes it pretty useless.

Kiniggit is a bad name I can't enter. I assume it's because the French used it as an insult against King Arthur during his quest for the Holy Grail.

G'night - Shelmet (f) Shell Armour Naughty (Atk up / SDf down) “It takes plenty of siestas!”

Ok, that's enough for today, this has been a long one. No deaths though so that’s good. Might finally have some balance to the team.

Current Team Drumroll - Rillaboom (lv 40) Bullseye - Mudsdale (lv 41) Snapper - Drednaw (lv 40) Otis - Heatmor (lv 40) Chamomile - Polteageist (lv 40) Jett - Toxtricity (lv 41)

Boxed Joltik Slowpoke Charjabug Croagunk Oddish Snorunt Sizzlepede Sneasel Chubcoo Lombre Pelipper Carcoal Machoke Dubwool Shelmet

Losses Bandit the Nickit - Knocked out by a fat squirrel Gumball the Tympole - Devoured by a centipede with a moustache Castlevania the Rookidee - Torn apart by a cute mole HaagenDazs the Vanillite - Murdered in an act of revenge by a smelly frog

Wild Area Tracker Rolling Fields West Lake Axewell East Lake Axewell South Lake Miloch Dappled Grove Watchtower Ruins North Lake Miloch Giant’s Seat Motostoke Riverbank Bridge Field Stony Wilderness Giant's Cap Hammerlocke Hills Dusty Bowl Giant's Mirror

Part Five

[izayoichan]

After leading him through the house, he finally opens the door, a room filled with books, posters and a general feeling of comfort appearing.

“Here you go, the den of the game master.” “You know, I have always wanted to try out this DnD stuff. But I never had any friends to play with, and the guys I hang with at school are the beer, fists and weed kind of guys so, I can't exactly suggest we go play DnD instead of going around kicking trashcans like we're so "rebel"...” “So does this mean you want to join properly, and not just be the comedy frog you were last time?”^ “I am game if you are!”

Rylan chuckles, grabbing a bunch of books, paper to write on, and a small bag that is filled with dice, putting it between them on the sofa. 

“Well part one, what would you like to play as?”

“I don't know? Warlock I guess? Oh! But the type of warlock who summons animals and stuff! Like a nature warlock, can I be that?” “Hmh. Nah, sorry in this game's rules warlocks only summon the undead.. but, but the sound of it, you want to be a Beastmaster.”

Takes one of the books, flipping quickly through the pages, handing it to River when he finds the right one. 

“Can I have a dragon companion?”  “Not at first and only if you are really lucky later on”

Hands him the book in his hands

“These are the different races you can play as a beastmaster: Human, Elf, half-elf, Tabaxi, and Arakocra, I marked them for you, so you can see which one you like the most”

Leaning back he watches River, admitting this was not quite how he imagined the evening to be, but he also had to admit, he did not mind one bit. It was actually very fun to see River like this, so into something he would never even have guessed. 

“So I can be a cat or a bird?... No half-dragons? I guess I can be a human then.” “Yes, sorry, the Dragonborn are fighters and have no spells in this game, silly I know. Now... a name?”

Holds a paper in his hand, where he writes down everything they have talked about so far, filling in his characters sheet as they go. 

“Can't we change that? or are those fixed rules in-game?

Rubs the back off his head, trying to think of a name

“Flynn River? I know, sucky name, Rapunzel “ fixed rules made by the ones that has made the game, I'd need to make a full my own version if I was to allow that, and I'm not that good at this yet. Could do that, or...”

Flips the pages off the books until they land on human names

“Maybe these would help, although I do like Flynn” “ I think you could make your own. I'd help, sure Hayden and Vy would too. Flynn it is.”

Laughs and looks over the names

“Flynn Anders? How about this one?” “Would take a lot off time though, would have to make a ruleset entirely off our own making for every class and race. It sounds like a fun challenge though... And yes, sounds good to me.

Adds it to the paper, writing up the basic stats of humans, then hands the pouch with the dies to River - 

“Now you find a d20... Ehm, just use the book and pour them all out, you'll need the set for playing later.” “ Wait, what?” “D&D uses a different type of dices for different things”

Stretches over him taking up one die.

“They are pretty much called depending on how many sides they have, this one having 20, so they call it d 20 for short. You need to throw it once for each stat so I can add that number to the base stat of your race and class.”  “Oooh! Got it. So I throw the dice for each stat and it tells me which stat points I have? Okay, I can do that. Wait. can I like upgrade stats as the story goes?” “Yep, when you gain experience you get points and you can choose where you think they will benefit you the most. You're rolling a d20 to catch you up to the rest of the group, stats-wise” “Oh! And there won't be a problem with me joining your group? And more importantly, so I get perks from dating the game master?” “Nah, I made it so I can add people along the way, just have to put your character on the way off the group, so you meet up.”

Chuckles and shakes his head 

“Nope, no perks other than maybe a kiss afterward, now finish the rolls and I will check what summons you can choose from” Mods and does as he told, getting the rest of the rolls, smiles at Rylan and sneaks a kiss from him, very quickly with a grin. Rylan just smiling, handing him yet another book as he finishes adding the rolls he just did to the character sheet.

“Okay, you can with your stats choose a main summon of a wolf, bear, snake or boar... And a scout summon is either eagle, hawk or..” 

Flips through a couple of pages, stopping at a leafy looking tiny pink dragon.

“ah look... Pixie dragon. You can use that as a scout.” “There are pixie dragons?! Okay! I totally want this! I don't care if it's pink, fairy-like and adorable! It's a dragon! Can I teach it to hoard coins and jewelry on my pouch?”  “Nah but they are very good scouts, so handy have, and the other, the one that will fight with you?” “It would be cool though. Imagine it decides to hoard flowers instead so my bag is also conveniently full of healing herbs because my pet dragons likes flowers! Can I have a wolf?”  “Yeah, either a Worgen or a dire wolf, you had some pretty nice rolls there”

Chuckles at the concept off the small dragons bringing back flowers and herbs whenever it scouts. “Hmh... I might actually allow it to bring back stuff while scouting, but only on a very high roll on a d20.” “ Direwolf then. We can call him Lobo. or maybe that's too obvious... Farkas if he turns out to be black. And cool! I hope he brings flowers I can gift the "princess" with”

Rylan just shakes his head, as the two off them finish up the last finishing touches of the character, Rylan explaining a bit of the game as they go. His attention suddenly caught by the fact that River put’s his hand on his cheek, pulling him up from the books kissing him.  

“I like seeing you like this, doing something you have fun with. It’s like a new side of you I missed out on seeing.”

Blushing slightly, he tells River how this was originally Hayden's idea, to give them things they could do together, even with him being sick a lot, this was normally something he would be able to do. 

“I’ll talk to my mom about new years even then, so we can play. And you are sure they won’t mind?”

He had asked who they played with, learning that it was friends from school as well as some family members of theirs. River slowly growing tired yawning every now and then. 

“ Maybe we should head back so you can get some sleep, I can just watch some movies or plot stories on my phone.” “I can always lay on your lap and sleep here while you plot? When did you get taller than me?" “When you lie down, I seem taller than you, dummy. And are you sure, the bed is probably more comfortable, although I admit to not knowing that fully.” “Alright, let's go try out your bed, then I can attest it's comfy or not.”

jumps up and grabs Rylan's hand pulling him up- 

“Lead the way, my fair princess.”

🎶

Beginning - Previous - Next

[ryansfabray]

Scars | Myansette

Who: Ryan Fabray-Lynn, @dommikechangjr , & @sublisette

Where: The Courtyard

When: Monday afternoon 9.14.20

What: A casual run-in

Ryan waited until everyone left the choir room before she even got up from her seat. She smiled at Mike who was waiting for her at the door. He could probably see something was wrong. When he asked, she just mentioned she fucked up again but didn’t want to say much more on the topic. She walked in silence next to him, slower than normal. She knew whatever waited for her at home wasn’t good. “I heard you got a blackout on Bingo. Congratulations.”

Ryan had looked so far from herself throughout the entirety of Glee and he stuck around after saying goodbye to Quinn, to see what was going on with her. He hummed softly when she said that she didn't want to talk about what was going on, reaching out to squeeze her hand gently in response. He wasn't going to force it out of her, but he wanted her to know that he was there if she needed anything. "Yeah, I did. It feels pretty great honestly. The extra points will be nice." Not only because it was what he needed for graduation, but also because he planned to get Quinn a puppy when he had the opportunity. And he needed the points to make that a reality.

Lisette had been in something of a daze.  There had been the frenetic activity of bingo week, followed by the trauma of her exit interview and finally she'd been able to kneel and accept Frankie's collar.  And then in the span of a day she'd changed her name, had her piercings, and been branded - she thought it was a little forgivable that she be dazed.  Her top had no sleeves, fortunately, and she'd done without a bra in hopes of not aggravating her piercings.  It was a cold wardrobe choice for Ohio in September, but she liked it.  Lost in her thoughts she nearly ran headlong into Mike and Ryan.  "I'm so sorry, Sir, and M-" she cut herself off sharply.  "And Ryan.  I wasn't looking where I was going."

Ryan smiled. She wanted to say more, but she was so distracted, she couldn't even fully focus on what he was saying. Like Lisette, Ryan was also not paying attention to where she was going which probably didn't help the run in. Ryan automatically shot her arms out to catch the girl, but they all seemed to stay upright. Ryan's head jerked up and the almost slip up of her title. It had been so long since she'd heard that name come off Lisette's lips. She missed it and it wasn't until that moment that she realized how much. "Seems as though I wasn't looking either." Ryan's eyes were focused on her face. Looking for the newly claimed glow that used to light up her face. Way back in the early days. "Hello, sweetheart."

When they almost ran into Lisette, his arms shot up, ready to steady both of the girls if he needed to. But they both appeared to be fine and as long as that was the case, there was no foul done. "That's alright, Lisette. I'm not too worried about it and I don't think Ryan is either. Hello, by the way, beautiful. Fancy meeting you here. How are you doing?" Mike questioned, not having been able to speak with her in person since Lisette had entered fully into the claim. There was an odd sort of look on the submissive's face that Mike couldn't quite describe and his head looked her over, confusion filling his features.

There was no doubt that Ryan had caught her slip, and Lisette blushed a little.  She knew it was a habit she had to break, but from the moment they'd started talking Ryan had been Mistress to her.  It was all but impossible to think of her as Ryan instead, especially when Lisette ended up in her arms by virtue of the collision.  "Hello," she smiled, a blush lighting her cheeks.  "Nice running into you here."  She'd tried to be witty, but she was out of sorts and it was about the best she could do.  Turning to Mike, she looked slightly bashful.  "As long as there was no damage, Sir, that's the important thing.  And hello!  I'm doing well, thank you - there's just a lot in my head right now.  But it's very nice to see you again!  Would you care for a hug?  I do give good hugs."

Ryan wanted a hug, she really did, but she needed to stay void of any emotion in the moment, blocking out what was to come. So she politely declined but still smiled to let Lisette know she appreciated the gesture.

"Well, I'll take a hug from you." He assured her, drawing her into a quick hug, squeezing her body gently. When he had spoken with her about the claim, she had seemed excited and yet something had seemed to be weighing her down. And the same could be said about the way that she was acting currently. Mike didn't what exactly was up, but he wanted her to know that she had support, though he was certain that he wouldn't be the first person she would come to if she was struggling with something or someone.

It would have stung when Ryan turned down the hug, but for the smile.  Lisette knew it was a lot to ask, and as someone who'd Dominated her in all of their scenes Ryan wasn't necessarily going to accept a hug.  Fortunately Mike felt more okay with the idea and she leaned into his strong frame as she pressed herself against him.  "Thank you, Sir - I really appreciate the hug," she murmured against him.  She wasn't sure why her head was so cloudy but the chance for some physical affection was a nice thing.

Ryan stepped aside and watched as Mike embraced Lisette. It looked comforting and she longed for thy comfort but realized she probably didn’t deserve it currently. As she looked on she noticed something on her arm. “Lisette. What’s that?” She asked, concern in her voice. It looked like a scar of some sort and she tried to make out what it said. “Is that a burn? A brand?”

Hearing Ryan's words, Mike pulled back from the hug, startled. He hadn't noticed anything when he was looking her over, but now he was going to be a taking a better look. His eyes widened when he saw the mark on her arm, carefully grabbing her wrist to look it over. It looked angry, much angrier than her should, and he felt alarm bells going off in his head. So there was more to the whole first day as a claim than Lisette had let on.

Lisette was actually startled by the question - the pain was lingering, but she'd almost forgotten the brand was there until Ryan pointed it out.  When Mike took her hand she didn't pull away, turning a little bit so they could both see it better.  "A brand," she nodded in answer to Ryan's question.  "After we finished up at the courthouse we went and got my nipples pierced, and then they branded my arm with Mistress' name.  I don't think you can see that part well yet, but it's there."

Ryan took a closer look. With Lisette's help, she could see the outline of Frankie's name. She touched her tattoo and was glad that Nate decided to take that route rather than a brand. Even if Ryan would have never let that happen. It looked harsh and not at all aesthetically pleasing. But Ryan didn't want to judge. "She did all that on the same day?" Ryan asked, unable to stop herself completely. "And this is something you wanted as well?" She asked with a furrowed brow.

It seemed like a lot for Lisette, mentally and physically, to deal with on the first day of her claim. It seemed to be quite irresponsible of Frankie. He glanced at Ryan as she asked those questions. He hoped with everything in him that she hadn't been branded against her will. The thought of that made him sick as he looked it over. "Do you have anything to help that heal?" Mike questioned, his attention turning back to Lisette. If not, then they needed to get her something for it stat. Maybe that would be stepping on Frankie's toes, but it would be better than letting it get infected. Which it could easily do without the proper care.

Lisette nodded, her smile a bit wan but bright enough.  "It was a busy day.  But you know how Mistress is - she likes efficiency.  It made more sense to get it all done at once than to have to come back into town again another time.  And yes!  Definitely something I wanted - you should have seen the smile on Mistress' face after.  And how proud she was of me."  That, more than anything, was what she'd remember from the day.

Mike's question made her blink.  "Um...I'm sure we must, Sir.  Mistress has medical supplies.  Bandages and everything."  She was aware she sounded a bit stupid in that moment, but she actually hadn't read the aftercare sheet they were given - preferring to leave things like that to her Mistress.

Ryan tried to hide it, but she was sure that her face said it all. She couldn’t imagine being branded like a piece of meat. At least the tattoo she had on her chest was humane. But Lisette seemed like it was what she wanted so she wasn’t going to divulge what she was really thinking. Ryan looked over at Mike, knowing he would catch her knowing look then looked back down at Lisette. “Well as long as it’s what you wanted and you’re happy with it. I personally don’t like the idea of you being branded, but I’m not your Domme, am I?” It came out a lot harsher than she intended so she made sure to add a smile at the end. “I am happy that you’re happy.”

Mike squeezed Ryan's side gently at her words. There was something more to this interaction that Mike wasn't privy to. But it was clear in the tone of Ryan's voice and he look on Lisette's face. He offered Lisette a slight smile as well. "Like Ryan said...as long as you're happy and as long as things are being taken care of." He mused slightly. He didn't very much like that Lisette didn't know if they have medical supplies to deal with the brand because that made him feel like it hadn't been given the attention that it needed. He would do what he could to keep an eye on her; even if he had nothing he could really do with her being legally claimed.

Lisette was generally a cheery person.  It was something she tried to be at all times, no matter who she was speaking to.  So when Ryan's question hit her and her face fell a little it was uncharacteristic, and she tried to keep it from being too obvious.  "I, um - no, you're not," she admitted.  "But thank you for that, it really does mean a lot."  Mike's smile went a ways toward bringing her back to equilibrium, but even he looked slightly dubious.  "I am, Sir, thank you - I'm sure Mistress will take care of everything."

Ryan felt the pressure on her side and she understood what Mike was trying to do. Perhaps she was letting the nervous energy within her dictate her mood, so she thought it best to end this interaction. But not without touching her hand to the other girl's wrist as an act of affection. "I'll get out of your hair then, Lisette. It sounds like you need to rest up from that ordeal." She also though it better to break apart from Mike so she could finally face Nate. "I'll see you guys later."

[inthefallofasparrow]

Article via Medium

“I was a police officer for nearly ten years and I was a bastard. We all were.”

“This essay has been kicking around in my head for years now and I’ve never felt confident enough to write it. It’s a time in my life I’m ashamed of. It’s a time that I hurt people and, through inaction, allowed others to be hurt. It’s a time that I acted as a violent agent of capitalism and white supremacy. Under the guise of public safety, I personally ruined people’s lives but in so doing, made the public no safer… so did the family members and close friends of mine who also bore the badge alongside me.”

“But enough is enough.”

“The reforms aren’t working. Incrementalism isn’t happening. Unarmed Black, indigenous, and people of color are being killed by cops in the streets and the police are savagely attacking the people protesting these murders.”

“American policing is a thick blue tumor strangling the life from our communities and if you don’t believe it when the poor and the marginalized say it, if you don’t believe it when you see cops across the country shooting journalists with less-lethal bullets and caustic chemicals, maybe you’ll believe it when you hear it straight from the pig’s mouth.”

Article via Medium

                         (click link through to Medium or ‘keep reading’ to continue)

“WHY AM I WRITING THIS

As someone who went through the training, hiring, and socialization of a career in law enforcement, I wanted to give a first-hand account of why I believe police officers are the way they are. Not to excuse their behavior, but to explain it and to indict the structures that perpetuate it.

I believe that if everyone understood how we’re trained and brought up in the profession, it would inform the demands our communities should be making of a new way of community safety. If I tell you how we were made, I hope it will empower you to unmake us.

One of the other reasons I’ve struggled to write this essay is that I don’t want to center the conversation on myself and my big salty boo-hoo feelings about my bad choices. It’s a toxic white impulse to see atrocities and think “How can I make this about me?” So, I hope you’ll take me at my word that this account isn’t meant to highlight me, but rather the hundred thousand of me in every city in the country. It’s about the structure that made me (that I chose to pollute myself with) and it’s my meager contribution to the cause of radical justice.

YES, ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS

I was a police officer in a major metropolitan area in California with a predominantly poor, non-white population (with a large proportion of first-generation immigrants). One night during briefing, our watch commander told us that the city council had requested a new zero tolerance policy. Against murderers, drug dealers, or child predators?

No, against homeless people collecting cans from recycling bins.

See, the city had some kickback deal with the waste management company where waste management got paid by the government for our expected tonnage of recycling. When homeless people “stole” that recycling from the waste management company, they were putting that cheaper contract in peril. So, we were to arrest as many recyclers as we could find.

Even for me, this was a stupid policy and I promptly blew Sarge off. But a few hours later, Sarge called me over to assist him. He was detaining a 70 year old immigrant who spoke no English, who he’d seen picking a coke can out of a trash bin. He ordered me to arrest her for stealing trash. I said, “Sarge, c’mon, she’s an old lady.” He said, “I don’t give a shit. Hook her up, that’s an order.” And… I did. She cried the entire way to the station and all through the booking process. I couldn’t even comfort her because I didn’t speak Spanish. I felt disgusting but I was ordered to make this arrest and I wasn’t willing to lose my job for her.

If you’re tempted to feel sympathy for me, don’t. I used to happily hassle the homeless under other circumstances. I researched obscure penal codes so I could arrest people in homeless encampments for lesser known crimes like “remaining too close to railroad property” (369i of the California Penal Code). I used to call it “planting warrant seeds” since I knew they wouldn’t make their court dates and we could arrest them again and again for warrant violations.

We used to have informal contests for who could cite or arrest someone for the weirdest law. DUI on a bicycle, non-regulation number of brooms on your tow truck (27700(a)(1) of the California Vehicle Code)… shit like that. For me, police work was a logic puzzle for arresting people, regardless of their actual threat to the community. As ashamed as I am to admit it, it needs to be said: stripping people of their freedom felt like a game to me for many years.

I know what you’re going to ask: did I ever plant drugs? Did I ever plant a gun on someone? Did I ever make a false arrest or file a false report? Believe it or not, the answer is no. Cheating was no fun, I liked to get my stats the “legitimate” way. But I knew officers who kept a little baggie of whatever or maybe a pocket knife that was a little too big in their war bags (yeah, we called our dufflebags “war bags”…). Did I ever tell anybody about it? No I did not. Did I ever confess my suspicions when cocaine suddenly showed up in a gang member’s jacket? No I did not.

In fact, let me tell you about an extremely formative experience: in my police academy class, we had a clique of around six trainees who routinely bullied and harassed other students: intentionally scuffing another trainee’s shoes to get them in trouble during inspection, sexually harassing female trainees, cracking racist jokes, and so on. Every quarter, we were to write anonymous evaluations of our squadmates. I wrote scathing accounts of their behavior, thinking I was helping keep bad apples out of law enforcement and believing I would be protected. Instead, the academy staff read my complaints to them out loud and outed me to them and never punished them, causing me to get harassed for the rest of my academy class. That’s how I learned that even police leadership hates rats. That’s why no one is “changing things from the inside.” They can’t, the structure won’t allow it.

And that’s the point of what I’m telling you. Whether you were my sergeant, legally harassing an old woman, me, legally harassing our residents, my fellow trainees bullying the rest of us, or “the bad apples” illegally harassing “shitbags”, we were all in it together. I knew cops that pulled women over to flirt with them. I knew cops who would pepper spray sleeping bags so that homeless people would have to throw them away. I knew cops that intentionally provoked anger in suspects so they could claim they were assaulted. I was particularly good at winding people up verbally until they lashed out so I could fight them. Nobody spoke out. Nobody stood up. Nobody betrayed the code.

None of us protected the people (you) from bad cops.

This is why “All cops are bastards.” Even your uncle, even your cousin, even your mom, even your brother, even your best friend, even your spouse, even me. Because even if they wouldn’t Do The Thing themselves, they will almost never rat out another officer who Does The Thing, much less stop it from happening.

BASTARD 101

I could write an entire book of the awful things I’ve done, seen done, and heard others bragging about doing. But, to me, the bigger question is “How did it get this way?”. While I was a police officer in a city 30 miles from where I lived, many of my fellow officers were from the community and treated their neighbors just as badly as I did. While every cop’s individual biases come into play, it’s the profession itself that is toxic, and it starts from day 1 of training.

Every police academy is different but all of them share certain features: taught by old cops, run like a paramilitary bootcamp, strong emphasis on protecting yourself more than anyone else. The majority of my time in the academy was spent doing aggressive physical training and watching video after video after video of police officers being murdered on duty.

I want to highlight this: nearly everyone coming into law enforcement is bombarded with dash cam footage of police officers being ambushed and killed. Over and over and over. Colorless VHS mortality plays, cops screaming for help over their radios, their bodies going limp as a pair of tail lights speed away into a grainy black horizon. In my case, with commentary from an old racist cop who used to brag about assaulting Black Panthers.

To understand why all cops are bastards, you need to understand one of the things almost every training officer told me when it came to using force:

“I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6.”

Meaning, “I’ll take my chances in court rather than risk getting hurt”. We’re able to think that way because police unions are extremely overpowered and because of the generous concept of Qualified Immunity, a legal theory which says a cop generally can’t be held personally liable for mistakes they make doing their job in an official capacity.

When you look at the actions of the officers who killed George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, David McAtee, Mike Brown, Tamir Rice, Philando Castile, Eric Garner, or Freddie Gray, remember that they, like me, were trained to recite “I’d rather be judged by 12” as a mantra. Even if Mistakes Were Made™, the city (meaning the taxpayers, meaning you) pays the settlement, not the officer.

Once police training has - through repetition, indoctrination, and violent spectacle - promised officers that everyone in the world is out to kill them, the next lesson is that your partners are the only people protecting you. Occasionally, this is even true: I’ve had encounters turn on me rapidly to the point I legitimately thought I was going to die, only to have other officers come and turn the tables.

One of the most important thought leaders in law enforcement is Col. Dave Grossman, a “killologist” who wrote an essay called “Sheep, Wolves, and Sheepdogs”. Cops are the sheepdogs, bad guys are the wolves, and the citizens are the sheep (!). Col. Grossman makes sure to mention that to a stupid sheep, sheepdogs look more like wolves than sheep, and that’s why they dislike you.

This “they hate you for protecting them and only I love you, only I can protect you” tactic is familiar to students of abuse. It’s what abusers do to coerce their victims into isolation, pulling them away from friends and family and ensnaring them in the abuser’s toxic web. Law enforcement does this too, pitting the officer against civilians. “They don’t understand what you do, they don’t respect your sacrifice, they just want to get away with crimes. You’re only safe with us.”

I think the Wolves vs. Sheepdogs dynamic is one of the most important elements as to why officers behave the way they do. Every single second of my training, I was told that criminals were not a legitimate part of their community, that they were individual bad actors, and that their bad actions were solely the result of their inherent criminality. Any concept of systemic trauma, generational poverty, or white supremacist oppression was either never mentioned or simply dismissed. After all, most people don’t steal, so anyone who does isn’t “most people,” right? To us, anyone committing a crime deserved anything that happened to them because they broke the “social contract.” And yet, it was never even a question as to whether the power structure above them was honoring any sort of contract back.

Understand: Police officers are part of the state monopoly on violence and all police training reinforces this monopoly as a cornerstone of police work, a source of honor and pride. Many cops fantasize about getting to kill someone in the line of duty, egged on by others that have. One of my training officers told me about the time he shot and killed a mentally ill homeless man wielding a big stick. He bragged that he “slept like a baby” that night. Official training teaches you how to be violent effectively and when you’re legally allowed to deploy that violence, but “unofficial training” teaches you to desire violence, to expand the breadth of your violence without getting caught, and to erode your own compassion for desperate people so you can justify punitive violence against them.

HOW TO BE A BASTARD

I have participated in some of these activities personally, others are ones I either witnessed personally or heard officers brag about openly. Very, very occasionally, I knew an officer who was disciplined or fired for one of these things.

Police officers will lie about the law, about what’s illegal, or about what they can legally do to you in order to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Police officers will lie about feeling afraid for their life to justify a use of force after the fact.

Police officers will lie and tell you they’ll file a police report just to get you off their back.

Police officers will lie that your cooperation will “look good for you” in court, or that they will “put in a good word for you with the DA.” The police will never help you look good in court.

Police officers will lie about what they see and hear to access private property to conduct unlawful searches.

Police officers will lie and say your friend already ratted you out, so you might as well rat them back out. This is almost never true.

Police officers will lie and say you’re not in trouble in order to get you to exit a location or otherwise make an arrest more convenient for them.

Police officers will lie and say that they won’t arrest you if you’ll just “be honest with them” so they know what really happened.

Police officers will lie about their ability to seize the property of friends and family members to coerce a confession.

Police officers will write obviously bullshit tickets so that they get time-and-a-half overtime fighting them in court.

Police officers will search places and containers you didn’t consent to and later claim they were open or “smelled like marijuana”.

Police officers will threaten you with a more serious crime they can’t prove in order to convince you to confess to the lesser crime they really want you for.

Police officers will employ zero tolerance on races and ethnicities they dislike and show favor and lenience to members of their own group.

Police officers will use intentionally extra-painful maneuvers and holds during an arrest to provoke “resistance” so they can further assault the suspect.

Some police officers will plant drugs and weapons on you, sometimes to teach you a lesson, sometimes if they kill you somewhere away from public view.

Some police officers will assault you to intimidate you and threaten to arrest you if you tell anyone.

A non-trivial number of police officers will steal from your house or vehicle during a search.

A non-trivial number of police officers commit intimate partner violence and use their status to get away with it.

A non-trivial number of police officers use their position to entice, coerce, or force sexual favors from vulnerable people.

If you take nothing else away from this essay, I want you to tattoo this onto your brain forever: if a police officer is telling you something, it is probably a lie designed to gain your compliance.

Do not talk to cops and never, ever believe them. Do not “try to be helpful” with cops. Do not assume they are trying to catch someone else instead of you. Do not assume what they are doing is “important” or even legal. Under no circumstances assume any police officer is acting in good faith.

Also, and this is important, do not talk to cops.

I just remembered something, do not talk to cops.

Checking my notes real quick, something jumped out at me:

Do

not

fucking

talk

to

cops.

Ever.

Say, “I don’t answer questions,” and ask if you’re free to leave; if so, leave. If not, tell them you want your lawyer and that, per the Supreme Court, they must terminate questioning. If they don’t, file a complaint and collect some badges for your mantle.

DO THE BASTARDS EVER HELP?

Reading the above, you may be tempted to ask whether cops ever do anything good. And the answer is, sure, sometimes. In fact, most officers I worked with thought they were usually helping the helpless and protecting the safety of innocent people.

During my tenure in law enforcement, I protected women from domestic abusers, arrested cold-blooded murderers and child molesters, and comforted families who lost children to car accidents and other tragedies. I helped connect struggling people in my community with local resources for food, shelter, and counseling. I deescalated situations that could have turned violent and talked a lot of people down from making the biggest mistake of their lives. I worked with plenty of officers who were individually kind, bought food for homeless residents, or otherwise showed care for their community.

The question is this: did I need a gun and sweeping police powers to help the average person on the average night? The answer is no. When I was doing my best work as a cop, I was doing mediocre work as a therapist or a social worker. My good deeds were listening to people failed by the system and trying to unite them with any crumbs of resources the structure was currently denying them.

It’s also important to note that well over 90% of the calls for service I handled were reactive, showing up well after a crime had taken place. We would arrive, take a statement, collect evidence (if any), file the report, and onto the next caper. Most “active” crimes we stopped were someone harmless possessing or selling a small amount of drugs. Very, very rarely would we stop something dangerous in progress or stop something from happening entirely. The closest we could usually get was seeing someone running away from the scene of a crime, but the damage was still done.

And consider this: my job as a police officer required me to be a marriage counselor, a mental health crisis professional, a conflict negotiator, a social worker, a child advocate, a traffic safety expert, a sexual assault specialist, and, every once in awhile, a public safety officer authorized to use force, all after only a 1000 hours of training at a police academy. Does the person we send to catch a robber also need to be the person we send to interview a rape victim or document a fender bender? Should one profession be expected to do all that important community care (with very little training) all at the same time?

To put this another way: I made double the salary most social workers made to do a fraction of what they could do to mitigate the causes of crimes and desperation. I can count very few times my monopoly on state violence actually made our citizens safer, and even then, it’s hard to say better-funded social safety nets and dozens of other community care specialists wouldn’t have prevented a problem before it started.

Armed, indoctrinated (and dare I say, traumatized) cops do not make you safer; community mutual aid networks who can unite other people with the resources they need to stay fed, clothed, and housed make you safer. I really want to hammer this home: every cop in your neighborhood is damaged by their training, emboldened by their immunity, and they have a gun and the ability to take your life with near-impunity. This does not make you safer, even if you’re white.

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE A BASTARD?

So what do we do about it? Even though I’m an expert on bastardism, I am not a public policy expert nor an expert in organizing a post-police society. So, before I give some suggestions, let me tell you what probably won’t solve the problem of bastard cops:

Increased “bias” training. A quarterly or even monthly training session is not capable of covering over years of trauma-based camaraderie in police forces. I can tell you from experience, we don’t take it seriously, the proctors let us cheat on whatever “tests” there are, and we all made fun of it later over coffee.

Tougher laws. I hope you understand by now, cops do not follow the law and will not hold each other accountable to the law. Tougher laws are all the more reason to circle the wagons and protect your brothers and sisters.

More community policing programs. Yes, there is a marginal effect when a few cops get to know members of the community, but look at the protests of 2020: many of the cops pepper-spraying journalists were probably the nice school cop a month ago.

Police officers do not protect and serve people, they protect and serve the status quo, “polite society”, and private property. Using the incremental mechanisms of the status quo will never reform the police because the status quo relies on police violence to exist. Capitalism requires a permanent underclass to exploit for cheap labor and it requires the cops to bring that underclass to heel.

Instead of wasting time with minor tweaks, I recommend exploring the following ideas:

No more qualified immunity. Police officers should be personally liable for all decisions they make in the line of duty.

No more civil asset forfeiture. Did you know that every year, citizens like you lose more cash and property to unaccountable civil asset forfeiture than to all burglaries combined? The police can steal your stuff without charging you with a crime and it makes some police departments very rich.

Break the power of police unions. Police unions make it nearly impossible to fire bad cops and incentivize protecting them to protect the power of the union. A police union is not a labor union; police officers are powerful state agents, not exploited workers.

Require malpractice insurance. Doctors must pay for insurance in case they botch a surgery, police officers should do the same for botching a police raid or other use of force. If human decency won’t motivate police to respect human life, perhaps hitting their wallet might.

Defund, demilitarize, and disarm cops. Thousands of police departments own assault rifles, armored personnel carriers, and stuff you’d see in a warzone. Police officers have grants and huge budgets to spend on guns, ammo, body armor, and combat training. 99% of calls for service require no armed response, yet when all you have is a gun, every problem feels like target practice. Cities are not safer when unaccountable bullies have a monopoly on state violence and the equipment to execute that monopoly.

One final idea: consider abolishing the police.

I know what you’re thinking, “What? We need the police! They protect us!” As someone who did it for nearly a decade, I need you to understand that by and large, police protection is marginal, incidental. It’s an illusion created by decades of copaganda designed to fool you into thinking these brave men and women are holding back the barbarians at the gates.

I alluded to this above: the vast majority of calls for service I handled were theft reports, burglary reports, domestic arguments that hadn’t escalated into violence, loud parties, (houseless) people loitering, traffic collisions, very minor drug possession, and arguments between neighbors. Mostly the mundane ups and downs of life in the community, with little inherent danger. And, like I mentioned, the vast majority of crimes I responded to (even violent ones) had already happened; my unaccountable license to kill was irrelevant.

What I mainly provided was an “objective” third party with the authority to document property damage, ask people to chill out or disperse, or counsel people not to beat each other up. A trained counselor or conflict resolution specialist would be ten times more effective than someone with a gun strapped to his hip wondering if anyone would try to kill him when he showed up. There are many models for community safety that can be explored if we get away from the idea that the only way to be safe is to have a man with a M4 rifle prowling your neighborhood ready at a moment’s notice to write down your name and birthday after you’ve been robbed and beaten.

You might be asking, “What about the armed robbers, the gangsters, the drug dealers, the serial killers?” And yes, in the city I worked, I regularly broke up gang parties, found gang members carrying guns, and handled homicides. I’ve seen some tragic things, from a reformed gangster shot in the head with his brains oozing out to a fifteen year old boy taking his last breath in his screaming mother’s arms thanks to a gang member’s bullet. I know the wages of violence.

This is where we have to have the courage to ask: why do people rob? Why do they join gangs? Why do they get addicted to drugs or sell them? It’s not because they are inherently evil. I submit to you that these are the results of living in a capitalist system that grinds people down and denies them housing, medical care, human dignity, and a say in their government. These are the results of white supremacy pushing people to the margins, excluding them, disrespecting them, and treating their bodies as disposable.

Equally important to remember: disabled and mentally ill people are frequently killed by police officers not trained to recognize and react to disabilities or mental health crises. Some of the people we picture as “violent offenders” are often people struggling with untreated mental illness, often due to economic hardships. Very frequently, the officers sent to “protect the community” escalate this crisis and ultimately wound or kill the person. Your community was not made safer by police violence; a sick member of your community was killed because it was cheaper than treating them. Are you extremely confident you’ll never get sick one day too?

Wrestle with this for a minute: if all of someone’s material needs were met and all the members of their community were fed, clothed, housed, and dignified, why would they need to join a gang? Why would they need to risk their lives selling drugs or breaking into buildings? If mental healthcare was free and was not stigmatized, how many lives would that save?

Would there still be a few bad actors in the world? Sure, probably. What’s my solution for them, you’re no doubt asking. I’ll tell you what: generational poverty, food insecurity, houselessness, and for-profit medical care are all problems that can be solved in our lifetimes by rejecting the dehumanizing meat grinder of capitalism and white supremacy. Once that’s done, we can work on the edge cases together, with clearer hearts not clouded by a corrupt system.

Police abolition is closely related to the idea of prison abolition and the entire concept of banishing the carceral state, meaning, creating a society focused on reconciliation and restorative justice instead of punishment, pain, and suffering — a system that sees people in crisis as humans, not monsters. People who want to abolish the police typically also want to abolish prisons, and the same questions get asked: “What about the bad guys? Where do we put them?” I bring this up because abolitionists don’t want to simply replace cops with armed social workers or prisons with casual detention centers full of puffy leather couches and Playstations. We imagine a world not divided into good guys and bad guys, but rather a world where people’s needs are met and those in crisis receive care, not dehumanization.

Here’s legendary activist and thinker Angela Y. Davis putting it better than I ever could:

“An abolitionist approach that seeks to answer questions such as these would require us to imagine a constellation of alternative strategies and institutions, with the ultimate aim of removing the prison from the social and ideological landscapes of our society. In other words, we would not be looking for prisonlike substitutes for the prison, such as house arrest safeguarded by electronic surveillance bracelets. Rather, positing decarceration as our overarching strategy, we would try to envision a continuum of alternatives to imprisonment-demilitarization of schools, revitalization of education at all levels, a health system that provides free physical and mental care to all, and a justice system based on reparation and reconciliation rather than retribution and vengeance.”

(Are Prisons Obsolete, pg. 107)

I’m not telling you I have the blueprint for a beautiful new world. What I’m telling you is that the system we have right now is broken beyond repair and that it’s time to consider new ways of doing community together. Those new ways need to be negotiated by members of those communities, particularly Black, indigenous, disabled, houseless, and citizens of color historically shoved into the margins of society. Instead of letting Fox News fill your head with nightmares about Hispanic gangs, ask the Hispanic community what they need to thrive. Instead of letting racist politicians scaremonger about pro-Black demonstrators, ask the Black community what they need to meet the needs of the most vulnerable. If you truly desire safety, ask not what your most vulnerable can do for the community, ask what the community can do for the most vulnerable.

A WORLD WITH FEWER BASTARDS IS POSSIBLE

If you take only one thing away from this essay, I hope it’s this: do not talk to cops. But if you only take two things away, I hope the second one is that it’s possible to imagine a different world where unarmed black people, indigenous people, poor people, disabled people, and people of color are not routinely gunned down by unaccountable police officers. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yes, this requires a leap of faith into community models that might feel unfamiliar, but I ask you:

When you see a man dying in the street begging for breath, don’t you want to leap away from that world?

When you see a mother or a daughter shot to death sleeping in their beds, don’t you want to leap away from that world?

When you see a twelve year old boy executed in a public park for the crime of playing with a toy, jesus fucking christ, can you really just stand there and think “This is normal”?

And to any cops who made it this far down, is this really the world you want to live in? Aren’t you tired of the trauma? Aren’t you tired of the soul sickness inherent to the badge? Aren’t you tired of looking the other way when your partners break the law? Are you really willing to kill the next George Floyd, the next Breonna Taylor, the next Tamir Rice? How confident are you that your next use of force will be something you’re proud of? I’m writing this for you too: it’s wrong what our training did to us, it’s wrong that they hardened our hearts to our communities, and it’s wrong to pretend this is normal.

Look, I wouldn’t have been able to hear any of this for much of my life. You reading this now may not be able to hear this yet either. But do me this one favor: just think about it. Just turn it over in your mind for a couple minutes. “Yes, And” me for a minute. Look around you and think about the kind of world you want to live in. Is it one where an all-powerful stranger with a gun keeps you and your neighbors in line with the fear of death, or can you picture a world where, as a community, we embrace our most vulnerable, meet their needs, heal their wounds, honor their dignity, and make them family instead of desperate outsiders?

If you take only three things away from this essay, I hope the third is this: you and your community don’t need bastards to thrive.”

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