#should have made me feel something becuase i told him first multiple times but its empty. i felt empty. it was the first time out loud he

[pielove123clan]

"Don't you move a muscle, don't you make a sound, It only makes it worse"

[imaginesmai]

Jax Teller-Safe

Plot: in your mind, it’s not his fault. It’s never his fault, becuase he’s your dad and he loves you. But there is one person who loves you more, and is willing to prove that what Clay does is not right. 

Warnings: physical abuse, bad parental behaviour. Clay is the bad guy, so he hits and abuses verbally the reader. Read at your own risk

The thing was, Clay hadn’t meant to hit so hard. For an old man like himself, he still didn’t control his strength, and sometimes the rage and the anger took the best out of him. He was a big man, strong and tall, so it was naturally that the slap had hurt so much. The rings on his fingers were only a plus, that had left a nasty red long mark on your cheek, from the corner of your eye to your nose.

Thousands of reasons flew through your mind. He was divorcing Gemma, after being framed for the murder of Opie’s wife and his father. The guilt, the pain and the sorrow led to the alcohol, the fights at home and the negativity in his life. After all, you kind of had been looking for it, right? Who leaves all the dishes dirty? Or forget to buy more beer for his father?

The answer came quickly; everyone can do that, but no one should hit his daughter over it. You told yourself that it wasn’t that bad, as you pressed the ice patch on your eye, the ring of black and blue bruises standing out against your skin.

It wasn’t the first time. Clay usually hit you in places that aren’t easily noticeable; your sides, upper arms, back. Places where the club wouldn’t see, and wouldn’t hate him more than he already did. You were the only reason he was back, because you had begged to Jax until he had agreed. Sometimes, you wondered if it had been worthy.

“Y/N? You there?” you heard Clay from the other side of the door, and you tensed. Putting away the ice pack, you ran to the door and opened it, not wanting to risk another fight.

What greeted your father wasn’t a beautiful sight. You had red eyes and tears stained cheeks, the bruise covering half of your cheek and you hair messy from being pulled at. He looked to his right and avoided the pang of guilt that filled his chest.

“I was, uh, are you okay?”

“Yeah”

You had learned not to expect any apologies. The first time it had happened, he knocked on your door two hours after, and you opened it ready to forgive him. Because he was the only person you had left, and didn’t want to be away from him. Clay repeated the same words he said in that moment, the first time he crushed your heart.

“We… we good? Do you want me to do anything?”

Are we good, so good that you aren’t telling anyone?

Do you want me to do anything in change of Jax not knowing?

“We’re fine, dad” you mumbled, looking at your feet. You could almost feel the relive radiating off him.

“Then, I’m heading to the bar. Make sure to leave something for the hangover on my room.”

There was a time, not so long ago, where Clay Morrow had loved you. Your mother had given you to him when you were just seven months, too busy with her lovers to take care of a little baby. Clay had raised you well, until the power and paranoias had consumed him.

When Gemma still lived with you, he tried to mask it. He only hit you when she was away for days, since she thought of you as her own daughter, and got by with degrading words that made you feel like shit when she was around. Clay needed someone to take out his frustrations on, and unluckily you were the only one who was still by his side.

The main door closing behind your father made your shoulders slump in defeat, and you vision became blurry again. You managed to get to your bed before breaking down, hiding your face in your hands and crying loudly. All you wanted was to be happy with your father, to have him back; because that monster wasn’t your father, you were sure. It had to be some cruel joke from where you had to get back at some point.

The phone ringing made you open your eyes, and you cringed when you saw the name pop up on the screen.

You didn’t want to answer it. Not answering would mean none of it had happened, that you were in a small bubble of comforting fantasy where nothing could touch you, and the spot under the blanket seemed very likely to be it. However, not answering meant too an angry blonde biker on your door in less than five minutes, who would see your face and probably burn down half of Charming until finding your dad. Your thumb pressed the green button without thinking much.

“Hey darling” Jax cheerful voice sounded through the speaker, and you smiled instantly. There was a lot of noise in the background, but you heard it go away as Jax moved further to talk to you.

“Hi” you mumbled, and then cleared your voice. “I almost thought you had forgotten about me”

You heard Jax chuckled, and suddenly everything seemed brighter. You were not anymore locked in your room, afraid of how much Clay was going to drink that night, and if the glass of water you had to left in his room could avoid you another beating. Instead, you were surrounded by the usual happiness that came with Jax, that got you a warm feeling in the bottom of your stomach.

“Sorry about that, Y/N. I’ve been busy with the club and that shit” he answered, and you almost could see the smirk. “I’m never too busy for you, though. That was actually why I was calling you”

“Oh”

The happiness quickly disappeared, and your hand moved on its own, touching the bruise on your eye lightly. You had been successful in avoiding him for a week; after all, he had been busy too, but you knew it couldn’t go on forever. If Jax knew only half of the things that your father did, you were sure he would ran him over with a bike.

So, yeah, you didn’t like where the conversation with your boyfriend was going.

“What? Tired of my hot ass already?” he joked, and you noticed it was almost quiet on the other side.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t see any hot ass around”

“I see how this is going, I see. I might go back to Opie after all”

For almost two hours, you managed to be happy again. Jax seemed to have a sixth sense about your distress, and picked up easily that you enjoyed more than usual talking to him. So, after he reassured you multiple times that he didn’t mind ditching the party on Friday’s night, he went back to his room and talked to you laying on his bed.

Time passed and you didn’t really noticed it, too busy letting the sleep almost crash you. Jax and you joked, laughed and remembered things, a week without knowing about each other long forgotten.

You had known Jax since you were children and your parents decided to date. Once you were over the phase of pulling pranks and hating each other, you started the relationship you had managed to keep for more than five years.

“I hate telling you this, but my eyes are dropping and I’m going to fall asleep any second” you said, your voice quiet. You were used to sleeping next to him, but since your father incident you had decided to go back to your home, or what used to be.

“That’s fine, you don’t have to hung up” Jax said, and you heard the bed covers shuffling on the other side. “I like hearing your breathing, it helps me go to sleep”

“That’s so romantic” you chuckled, closing your eyes. “But phone’s bills are something real, Jax.”

“I can’t wait to have you back here” he groaned, and your heart clenched. “Really, Y/N, you need to come back here. I know, he’s your father and all that. But I miss you. A lot”

“I miss you too, baby” you pouted, even though he couldn’t see you. “I just-My dad is not able to take care of himself right now… I’m the only thing he has left.”

“I know”

Over the last months where you had been living with Clay, there was an oncoming argument about it, and both of you knew it. You had tried it to keep it as bay as long as you could, but you knew Jax wasn’t going to give up. There were a few seconds of silence until he talked again.

“You’ll need to pay me back for all this lost time” Jax teased. “What about lunch tomorrow? Bobby and Tig are begging me to see you, and I’m quite afraid my mother will kidnap you.”

“How can I say no then” you laughed, before yawning. “Night baby, I love you.”

“Love you too darling” he didn’t cut the line off immediately, but waited until you were almost sleep. “A lot”

Clumsily, you dropped the phone on your nightstand and drifted to sleep. Not remembering the pill, the glass of water and the problems that that decision was going to bring you next morning.

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“Is-Is that a black eye?”

Jax’s voice startled you as you walked inside the club, gripping a trait of homemade cookies with both of your hands. You had already greeted Gemma and Chibs, and they had put a smile on your face; despite the huge cover up in your face, they had only cheered for the cookies, not noticing anything. It had put you in a good mood, yeah, and it had made you forget the argument with Clay that morning and those awful words.

But it didn’t last long.

Looking up, you nearly flinched back when Jax ran towards you with an impressive speed, his body almost crashing yours. He took the cookies and placed them in the nearest table. His warm hand cupped your jaw and tilted your face up, so you could meet his worried blue eyes. Behind all of that concern, there was the murderous rage that was going to pop any second.

More than ten different excuses ran through your head while you opened and closed your mouth, Jax demanding an answer with a faint movement of his head.

“It’s nothing” you answered, struggling to keep your voice steady. “I was-I was m-messing with some things at the storage room, and some boxes fell on me”

Jax’s eyes narrowed, and anyone could see that the lie hadn’t ran past him. He studied your face with a soft intensity, far from the anger he was feeling. His thumb moved up and down your cheek, and you had to keep your lip from trembling.

“I was there yesterday, and everything was in its place” he casually said, his grip tightened slightly. “Anything you need to tell me?”

Instead of coming up with another lie, you shrugged, gaze going to the floor. Jax could read you like an open book, and wouldn’t have any problem in finding out that you didn’t fall off the stairs. Someone entered the club and you swore you heard Tig whistling under his breath, but before you could turn around, Jax had them out with a stern look.

His eyes became softer when he saw your sad face, and he moved one of his hands to your waist. Pulling you closer, he made you rest your head on his chest, so that the bruise was visible. It took Jax a long minute, yet by then he had managed to take off all the makeup and observe properly the dark circle.

“I just want to help you, Y/N” he muttered, caressing your hair. “Let me help you”

“I know”

“Then, what is it?” Jace waited for you to answer, but you only closed your eyes. “If the prospect has hit you again without meaning you, it’s okay. I’m not gonna kick him out, just a few-“

“No!” your head snapped up, eyes wide in panic at the thought of poor Halfsack being beaten up again because of a silly mistake. “It’s not him! I swear, I haven’t seen him in weeks.”

At least, that was not a lie. In the first year of being a prospect, the boy had had the bad luck of knocking you unconscious with a door opened with too much force, and Jax had screamed at him until he had a panic attack. You almost smiled at the memory of Halfsack chasing you with a apologies for a month.

“Then what is it, darling?” his voice was serious, as he teared away and crossed his arms, leaning against the counter. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you’ve been spending less and less time with us, and you keep cancelling our dates.”

Your insides twisted painfully, and you went cold. There was no way of getting out of that without hurting someone, and the protective barrier that had raised over the truth did its job when the words left your mouth.

“Well, you aren’t around neither” you scoffed. “It’s not my fault that we don’t see each other, you’re always busy! With parties, club’s businesses and all of that!”

The moment hurt flickered through Jax’s eyes was the one where you regretted everything that had been going on. He took a deep breath before answering. If you had been any other person, he would have kicked you out and forgot about you. If he hadn’t been by your side for so long, he would have turned on his heels and walked out on you. But you were his Y/N, and worry overpowered anger.

“Darling” he whispered as your face heated up. “I want to help you. But, you’ve gotta let me in. Please, Y/N. I just want to help you.”

And for a second, you doubted. You’ve always counted on Jax for everything. First period, he was the thirteen year’s old kid who ran to the store with nervous legs while you waited in the bathroom. First time using make up, he let you use his face to practice. And you wanted to tell him desperately, you wanted him to hug you and tell you that everything is okay.

“I-I…”

But then, you saw his face. You saw Clay’s face as he was framed, as he came back home and cried in your arms for the whole night. It wasn’t his fault that the world had been so cruel to him, and you also wanted, needed, to believe that. After all, he was your father, and you didn’t know what you would do without him.

“I….’m fine” you spitted out rushed, forcing yourself to step backwards. You watched as Jax ran a hand down his face, exhaling loudly.

Before he could say anything else, people started coming into the club, the loud laughs and noises crushing your peace. You were wrapped in Bobby’s arms and heard someone already trying to take one of your cookies.

For the next five hours, you didn’t talk to Jax.

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The dim light of the night lamp created weird shadows in Jax’s closet. You were laying on his bed, in the room that he still had in the club. His chest moved under your clammy hands, silence surrounding you.

Everyone had left a while ago, and you had tried to keep yourself busy until then. Doing unnecessary things, cleaning already neat dishes, talking to Gemma about the new shop. Jax had picked up easily your behaviour, noticing that you were doing everything in your power to stay there for a little longer. So, after five hours of not talking, he mumbled if you wanted to spend the night with him there.

Leaving would probably meant another beating, because it was late and you hadn’t told your father you would be out for so long. Staying would lead to the conversation you had wanted to avoid for the whole day. With a little hesitation, you had gripped his hand and had let him guide you to his room.

Once in his clothes and tucked in bed, you didn’t know if you were ready for it. You had changed in front of him; so he had seen the yellow marks on your ribs, the purple circles on your wrists and the fingers printed on your arm. Jax had seen it all, but only clenched his jaw and hugged you closer, waiting for you to talk.

“I’m not fine” you whispered, almost thirty minutes after going to bed. “And I’m sorry”

“It’s okay” Jax kissed the top of your head. “It’s okay”

“He doesn’t mean to do it” you shivered , ducking down and sniffing. You cursed when tears filled your eyes. However, his hand was there to stop them before they fell onto his chest. “I know he doesn’t mean to. Please, Jax, he doesn’t mean to.”

“Who, Y/N?” his voice was dark, and you could feel his body shaking along with his hand clenching and unclenching. “Who doesn’t mean to hurt you?”

“He doesn’t mean to” you repeated, wanting to print those words in your mind. “I-I just, I make him… angry, and he loses control. But he doesn’t mean to.”

By then, Jax was sure he was going to break one tooth. He didn’t dare to look anywhere apart from the ceiling, where a small crack was beginning to show. It reminded him of the nights were you two would cuddle together as kids, whispering jokes until Gemma scolded you for being so loud. It only made him angrier.

“And what does he do?” he asked. He didn’t want to hear it, he just wanted to have a name and to start his bike, a baseball on his hand. Imagining the walls drenched with that fuckers blood made him regain the patience to talk to you.

“He… he gets a little rough sometimes”

“He hits you”

“No!”

You turned around and looked up when Jax said those words, horrified by its meaning. In your eyes, Clay didn’t hit you, just pushed you around and sometimes shoved you a little too hard. You were ready to say so when you noticed the tears in Jax’s cheeks. They were falling freely down, and just then you understood how difficult was it being for him. He didn’t look at you, too afraid to throw all the rage.

It was silent, until he finally looked down and whispered your name. You broke.

You broke, and you told him how Clay pushed you to the floor when he walked past you in the mornings. How he made you feel worthless every day, and how the names he called you hurt you. You sobbed to him about all those times when he threatened to kill you if you told Jax or any of the guys. And, besides all of that, you begged him to understand that Clay didn’t mean to hit you.

Breathing heavily when you finished, you leaned farther into Jax’s arms and hid your face on his neck, the tears not stopping. One shaky hand came up and covered your bruised cheeks, and with that he assured you it would be okay.

“How long has it been going on?” he asked finally, his voice breaking. During your explanation, he had tried to be strong, but he couldn’t help the heavy heart and tearful eyes.

“I don’t know” you whispered. Trying to remember a time where Clay didn’t hit you became more difficult, and you gasped when you realised it was nearly impossible. “I don’t-I really don’t know, Jax.”

“Darling” Jax said, agony on his words.

He squeezed his eyes and fisted the hand that wasn’t holding you, imagining that his neck was between his fingers. When the truth about Donna had been out, Jax had wanted to kill Clay. The man had been giving him reasons nonstop to be killed, but he had managed to stop himself for you. After hearing your words, he would wish Jax would have killed him.

“It’s stopping now” he said, and kissed your head. “I promise, it’s-it’s stopping now. He’s not looking at you ever again, Y/N. I’ve got you”

“I’m sorry” you said, throat dry and eyes aching.

Confusion clouded Jax’s eyes, his grip tightening for a split of second before he let go.

“Why?”

You looked away, keeping your gaze on the wall next to you. Sorry, for not telling him sooner and making him worry. Sorry, for getting him in that situation, where he was going to have to tell the club and his mother. Sorry, because you wished life could be different for you, and for him.

No words left your mouth, and Jax shifter impossibly closer. You didn’t hear what he said next, only the soft tone he used and the caring hand that ran through your hair. He touched two or three bumps that your father had gave you when he had pushed you against the wall, and he almost got out of bed. Too caught up in steady rise of exhaustion and safety, your mind drifted off and your brain muffled the noise and your limbs fell heavy.

For the first time in who knew how long, you slept without fearing what was awaiting for you in the morning. For Jax, it probably was a lot of problems with other clubs that still made deals with Clay. For your father, the worst of the fates, since the blonde didn’t sleep a beat thinking about how he was going to make him pay.

For you, just a new beginning where you were going to be finally happy. And safe.

Want to know more about me? Here is my Masterlist! Feedback is always appreciated!!

[currentfandomkick]

Bio! Dad Strange Part 9

Jason returns, may be a 2 parter to cover tim getting kidnapped and the aftermath. Will let you know at the end. We are getting to Marinette dealing with Ladybugging soon.

Marinette wasnt sure what to think this year. She met The Barry Allen last year. She also figured out 2 heroes pre-flash revelation and two more after—in her defense Hero Stalker’s old theory on The first Robin did Batman in. it is not her fault 5 founding members have the multiple-persona game of a booger.

She was also Tetch (Mad Hatter. Doesnt deserve the name) and Mr. J’s, Jerimah’s, last victim before they died. Then some idiots revived Jerimah. She hates his cult a lot, okay.

Everyone was on high alert and trying to keep her inside. The thing is, she hates being inside. She’s inside for designing, sure. Research? She’ll live.

But 24/7 inside time?

Never a good combo with her.

Rose’s plants may be snitches, but they seemed to agree on the over coddling. She’s ten, can break phones by tapping them, and is defiantely more off her stickers than on at the moment.

The one on her was uring her into some alleyway. If she was reading the movement pattern right, a gang fight.

Lovely, she usually did these with some sort of supervision but they were all being rude and she needed time outside.

She checked her belt, a few pairs of ball weights tied together with one chain each to make bolas clipped to back. She has a taser in hand, and a few rubber bullet loaded gun on one hip and a stun gun her size in the other. She had a packet of zipties and rope up each sleeve. Easy to giftwrap and humiliate bad people, like Batman does.

She blinked once when she saw—new player? In a bright red full face helmet that looks horrible. And he’s holding that gun make all wrong to max out usage. Ugh, amatuers.

Some part of her groaned about a potential run-in with Batman and his new Robin—she was pissed about Tim not telling her still—and decided this was as good an anger management as any. New vigilante, maybe the sirens would help him find a team.

She snuck up behind a few members, quick to grab the guns and move them out of reach. No need to give anyone playing possum an easy out, right—she saw a mix of her people in with the gang. She needed to teip this guy up before he hurt the RKC street kids and honoraries tangled up in this.

“Hey helmet, if you’re gonna shoot them you’re holding the gun wrong.”

Helmet turned to see her. She didnt grab her usual harley-knock off outfit for helping today. She wanted to be Pixie Pop for a bit. And if the Rogues forgot that she’s Pixie well, better for her, right? Pixie just wore her hair like Tinkerbell and wore a bit of green.

The guy he was aiming at made to run.

Marinette grabbed a makeshift bolas and threw it at his knees. She recognized him from one of the RKC hit lists—human trafficker. He fell with them wrapped around tight and defiantely injured bith his knees with how the weights hit him.

“I, Pixie Pop?” Weird, no one had seen her as Pixie in two years. How’d he know it was her?

“Yeah. Havent been around much lately.” She threw another bola at another guy. “You new?”

“Talk after i kill these guys.”

Marinette rolled her eyes, because really?

She threw a knife to screw his aim into non-lethal on one guy. “Kick their ass first, some RKC are in here.”

Helmet oddly did as she said, switching from guns to—is that. A. Sword?

She twisted to punch the guy sneaking up on her. Helmet threw a sword and landed it in his shoulder.

“Thanks!”

“Holy shot you’re really here this time.”

“Did you get hit with feargas as a baby or something?” Her partner being prone to dellusions and good with weapons was a bad thing.

“Just came back from the dead is all.”

marinette hit the guy going for helmet with her stun gun.

“That’ll do it!”

Helmet turned to one of the guys, gun at the ready. She had a feeling Helmet needed a lot of help, or else one of Rose’s agents would be down.

“If you know about pixies, you should know she got an upgrade to having some trust dust.”

Marinette walked over to the guy, letting her tracker plant take a look. The flower bloomed and he got a face full of ‘filter-less pollen’ that’s as close to a truth serum as Rose could make. After all, people can turn sides.

“Truth pollen?” Helmet was staring at her closely.

“Yep.” Marinette turned to her victim. “Are you helping the traffickers?”

“Does infiltration and killing them count as helping?”

Helmet stared at them then.

“Which team?”

“HKT ma’am. How did you get rose to give you one of those?”

“Think for a minute who she gives these to.”

“Comanding officers of the the RKC reconn and interigation but there’s only 15 and i met them all when i joined in the fall.”

“Im the summer help when theyre not puppy gaurding. Now, i have to do zipties on the traffickers, think you can help?”

“I lost coordination from the pollen.”

“Of course you did.”

Marinette turned to see Helmet staring at her. Like she should be dead, not the new revival guy.

“Good enough.”

“I thought only Poison Ivy could do things like that.”

“I have a badass team, well, when they aren’t going overboard. One week kidnapped and suddenly im made of glass.”

“Pixie you are what, ten?”

“So? Two of my best friends went missing becuase no one stepped up, one of them resurfaced as an idiot a year later but still.”

Helmet stopped then. “Two?”

“Hero stalker went after our big brother vanished.. he came back as an idiot.”

Helmet paused. “Hey, you check the others and i’ll help you drop off the good ones at a doctor or something.”

“Zipties are at the ready. Mind doing your share?”

Helmet did as she asked, working with her until all was squared away.

“Okay, my tracker gave off a signal to the RKC to gather our guys here, and—why are bleeding?”

Helmet looked up at her then. “I am?”

“... you’re coming with me since i dont know if you need a transfusion, but i know a guy who can help.”

“I’m driving.”

“On what?”

“Motorcycle.”

Marinette let him walk her to it, and she got on first. He ‘drove’ them while the plant told her when to turn. They ended up at her dad’s clinic as ‘Mr. Smith’. He was so grounding her.

“Smith, i need help,” she tried.

Her dad came out and paled when he saw her carrying Helmet. Before he passed out he let her take it off. “Red hoodie... oh god he said he was revived.”

Her father worked out the blood bags while she checked the wound, bullet still in there. She got it out with tweezers. No major damage to the muscles and shit. How many scars did he have? Pre or post revival?

When he came to she turned to her father and said one thing.

“So this is my new brother. Dont try to get out of it, he kept me alive when i was comstantly pixie, and you said if he was in a bad place then you’d take him in, no questions asked.”

Strange sighed, nodded, and went back to fixing Helmet up.

The next day he was forced moved into an extra room by hers. Somehow there was already clothes his size and style in it.

“Pixie...”

“Im determined and my honorary aunt is a cat burglar.”

Helmet hugged her.

“So for the documents, what do you want to go by?”

Helmet said he didnt want it to be obvious, given who he was before.

“Its not like you were robin.”

“I was.”

“.... i know two robins now, pre-robining. What is my life?”

“ you are ten, calm down. And you knew dick?”

“Met him as Nightwing, not very friendly. But uh, remember hero stalker?”

“The idiot who followed me and B?”

“Yeah, so funny thing, it was a thing that he wanted to be Robin when you went off from Gotham, and then he somehow managed to convince bats to take him on.”

“That Child is Robin.”

“Will be another hero soon if he knows what’s good for him—he’s too easy to make.”

“Wait, you know who he is-is or—”

“I know 5 secret identities and want to lodge a formal complaint about heroes having no secret identity game.”

“Youre ten. I refuse to let you deal with legal things.”

“But illegal is still on the table?”

“I am a vigilante, of course it is.”

“Good, so can we tlak about how dumb Supes secret id is? I photoshoped glasses on as a joke and looked at my file and knew.”

“Wait have they found you yet?”

“No? I dont think so. Not the mom and step dad or father one yet.”

“But its.”

“I know, but i can keep multiple secret identities. They cant handle one. What is this bull they drop in my lap? No masks for two of them, and the three with cant even manage a basic gait switch?”

“I am so glad you noticed too.”

“Also we need to intervene with Hero Stalker.”

“Does your father know-know or...”

“Knows i know, but knows im not telling even in death.”

“Fair. So, heads up i am going to yell at the JL after killing B for impact.”

“How about beating him up instead and kidnapping Hero Stalker? Bats is fine just needs an adult working with him.”

“Maybe. If my mind wasnt so fucked i’d send the Dick a text or something about this, but i think he hates me so that probably wouldnt work.”

“We have planning time, that’s what my house arrest is good for. Now name.”

“... i want to go by Jay.”

“James work?”

“Sure.”

“James “Jay” Smith then. And we are fixing your vilagante outfit.”

“What’s wrong with it.”

“Your helmet has a nose. And the who this is shit for discreet armour. I’ll get a rant in fifteen on armor history from a fashion obsessed friend and make something for you using that, ok?”

“Do i have a choice?”

“I am your little sister offically. resistance is futile.”

—

So the long awaited return of Red Hoodie/Red Hood/Jason Todd.

For refrence (as age is weird here) Jason looks 14/15 here, but due to dead years is technically 18

Tim is 12

Marinette is 10

Dick is 20something.

Bruce is 30something

Heads up, this will be a two parter for this summer. As i love the next part but need sleep.

@ilovefluffbutsmutisalsogreat @emeraldpuffguide @dast218 @weird-pale-blonde-person @mystery-5-5

[syriul]

A Time Traveler in Viking Court - part 12/?

How are we going to get out of this one now? You asked yourself as Ivar led you and Kyle to the center of a small crowd made up of displaced Viking men, women, and children. The size of the crowd was surprising-- Kattegat was home to at least a few thousand people, so why were there only a hundred people here?

“What do you think happened to everyone else?” Kyle voiced your thoughts as he leaned in, making sure no one else heard him. 

“I don’t know. Maybe they're over there,” you motioned towards the woods that surrounded the sizable clearing where multiple tents stood with a nod of your head.

Kyle’s gaze searched the shadowy, tree-covered landscape in an attempt to find unseen faces.

“Actually,” Ivar spoke, “they are still in Kattegat.”

“What?” You asked, startled at Ivar’s sudden intervention. 

“The rest of my people were unable to escape King Harold’s army,” Ivar answered. “They are caged in like animals and Kattegat, my Kattegat is their cage.” 

There was nothing you could say. You weren’t a king or held the future of thousands of people in your hands-- you simply didn’t know what to say.

An uncomfortable silence fell over you and Kyle as you continued making your way amongst the scattered crowd; your palms became clammy the closer you got to its center.

Your own eyes roamed over the weathered and tired faces that made up the crowd. For a brief second, you imagined the horror of being woken up in the middle of the night by an invasion. 

But I was woken up in the middle of the night by a sudden invasion too, you reminded yourself.  Images of the of the fighting in the thrown roam, dead bodies, and pools of blood flooded your mind-- you silently prayed that with time you would be able to shake away those awful memories. 

“Tonight has been a trying time,” Ivar’s voice boomed through the still, night air, effectively startling you for the second time in mere seconds, “but tonight we have been given a sign that the Gods are on our side.”

A collective gasp ran through the sea of people that surrounded you. 

“We,” he continued to speak with kingly authority that demanded he be heard, “have Gods among us!”

Another gasp, this time mixed with murmurs, ran through the crowd. Your stomach dropped as Ivar motioned toward where you an Kyle stood, side by side.  You felt the heat rise in your face as hundreds of pairs of eyes turned their attention towards you and your best friend. 

Ivar’s stone-like features, illuminated by both moonlight and torch fire, stared you down. It was clear he wanted you to do something, but you didn’t know what.  It was only after a few seconds of shifting your eyes between Ivar and the crowd that you realized what he wanted. He thinks you’re a Goddess. They think you’re a Goddess. They all want you to confirm it.

You took a deep breath, wiped your clammy hands on the skirt of your dress, and shot Kyle a look that seemed to ask for luck before taking a step forward, chin raised in false confidence, and began to speak. 

“It is true,” you bellowed out, the edge in your voice successfully hidden, “the Gods have not forsaken you.” You raised your hands above your head, becoming a living Y. “We walk among you, we feel your plights and have come to help.” You did your best to mimic the enthusiasm of the televangelists you often came across while flipping through channels back home, back in your own time. “We,” you signaled from yourself to Kyle, “are here to win back Kattegat for you.”

A silence fell over the surroundings before the people of Kattegat, who’d been chased out of their own homes, broke out into a cheer that shook the ground.  For a brief second, you wondered if their loud, hope-filled chants would attract the attention of the invaders, this King Harald, and his warriors, then you felt energized by the sheer vigor radiating from every single person present. Guilt at your finally began to knaw at you. 

You turned to look at Kyle from over your shoulder. A look of guilt that mirrored your own rested over his features. 

This isn’t going to work. I can feel it.

“Why did the Gods send you two?” Hvitserk asked from his perch on an unusually large tree stump a few feet in front of you. 

It was early morning and everyone in what you’d decided resembled a refugee camp was still asleep. Last night you’d boldly lied to everyone here, told them you and Kyle were Gods, now you were sitting among tents, trying to answer questions you hadn’t even though up answers for. 

What would be a good enough reason? Why would two Gods be here?

You raked your brain for an appropriate answer. 

“Brother,” Ivar’s voice suddenly filled the silence you’d allowed to grow, “you are bold to question the  dealings of Gods.” You couldn’t take your eyes off of him as he dragged himself towards where his brother sat. His entire disposition had changed when he learned you and Kyle were otherworldly-- his mannerism had gone from slightly condescending to utterly respectful. 

Of course, he’s being respectful. He thinks you can make anything happen with a snap of your fingers.

“May I ask, where is your companion?” Ivar asked you once he’d pulled himself up beside Hvitserk.

Your eyebrows knitted together. “My companion?” 

“He means Kyle,” Hvitserk replied for his brother. 

Ivar side eyed him in return. “I would never  be so disrespectful to a God.” He spoke as if warning his brother, daring him to say another word without reverence. 

“He’s asleep,” you said, studying Ivar’s features, “and please, don’t be so formal.” 

Something behind Ivar’s deep blue eyes seemed to spark to life as you finished speaking; admiration and gratitude towards you radiated off of him. “That you would allow me to speak to you as an equal  is an honor.”

Taken aback, you gave him a small smile. Honor. It’s an honor. It wouldn’t be an honor if you knew I’m faking it. 

“Should we wait for Kyle to wake up?” Ivar asked, a proud smile spreading over his lips as he said Kyle’s names.  

“What for?”  You asked.

Hvitserk let out a small, excited laugh. “For battle preparations.”

Battle preparations..? Oh, of course! Fuck. 

Your eyes ran over the battle plans that rested before you. You weren’t sure how long it’d been since Ivar had started talking, relaying his plans for taking back Kattegat, but you were looking forward to its end. 

“You,” Ivar looked at Ubbe while pointing to what looked like a mountain range on the old, hole-riddled map sprawled out on the small wooden table, “will bring your warriors through here and wait for the signal.”

Ubbe, who stood with his arms crossed over his chest, focused solely on the map you all huddled around. “And what will the signal be?” He asked, eyes never looking up. 

“My warriors will swarm the gates,” Hvitserk chimed in, “once we distract the guards in the towers you’ll make your way down the hills, storming the unguarded left side.” 

Ubbe and Hvitserk nodded in understanding. 

I can’t take this anymore. 

Without warning, you walked away from the map, turning your back towards everyone. You could feel everyone’s eyes on you. 

“(Y/n), are you okay?” Kyle was the first to ask. 

You threw your hands up in the air in exasperation and turned to face Kyle and the Ragnarssons. “This isn’t going to work,” you practically yelled. 

Ivar inched forward, a look of worry evident in his features. “And why not?”

As quickly as possible, you racked your brain for a possible answer. “Becuase,” you started, unsure of where you were heading with your remark, “because--”

“Becuase you are planning on using brute force,” Kyle finished for you. You silently thanked him for it. “I was going to bring it up,” he continued, “but I wanted to see just how good your plan would be.” Your eyebrows knitted at the air os self-importance he’d suddenly obtained I think he might be enjoying being a God a little too much. 

Ivar eyed the crude map. “Brute force,” he quietly repeated to himself as he thought over his battle plans.

Ubbe crossed his arms and looked from you to Kyle, then back to you. “What would you suggest we do then?”  

You lifted your chin up in the air, mirroring Kyle’s demeanor. “That is for you to tell us. We,” you motioned towards Kyle, “would like to see if you are worthy of our help.”

“Of course we are worthy,” Hvitserk intervened, “we are son’s of Ragnar Lothbrok, the direct descendant of the All-Father.” 

“Even so,” you continued, “you cannot expect to ride on the tails of glory your father held before you.”

Ivar looked up from the map, directly at you. “Of course not,” he agreed, “we will prove to you that the Gods are right for choosing us.” You could see an idea forming behind his eyes. “And I have the perfect way to show you just how worthy we are of your help,” he bowed his head and turned towards a man dressed in rags that stood by the tent’s only opening. “Gather as many slaves as possible,” he commanded, “tonight we will prove out worth with a great sacrifice.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach. I think I’m about to throw up. This is going too far.

It’s been a super long time since I last posted, so just let me know if you don’t want to be tagged in this anymore :)

@eating-pie-in-the-tardis @titty-teetee @doklausoneverysurfacepossible @iamwarrenspeace @thehunterofthelord @justacrush @thefangirlsoul @florenceivy @marauderette130 @tis-itheapplepie @vaisabu @ketepara 

[omgahgase]

Rin Should Keep His Mouth Shut

Hey guys I’m back with a new fanfic!! While scrolling through Tumblr a few days ago I found a headcanon from @ao-no-head-canons that I absolutley loved. This is also for @rinshairpins who rebloged the post for me to see and for @sataniasblog becuase they gave me inspiration for the last part of the story. I hope you guys like it!

Rin was always one to speak before he thinks, he knew his big mouth would get him in trouble one day. What he didn’t expect was it to land him in what he thinks is the most embarrassing thing he’s done yet.

He was making dinner for him and Yukio, moving around the kitchen in a blur of blue and black. The fish was on the frying pan and the rice was about to be finished any minute. Rin seemed like he was dancing as he glided to one end of the room to the next, knowing exactly what he was doing. As he added pepper to the chicken, he was also grabbing garlic off a shelf. The way he cooks makes it look like he could beat Bobby Flay with a hand tied behind his back. The boy was skillfully chopping vegetables for the stir-fry when Kuro decided to nuzzle up on his leg.

“Hey Rin! The food smells delicious!” He was practically drooling at the sight of the fish.

“Thanks buddy,” Rin smiled down at his familiar. “How does this taste?” He scooped a small spoonful of the stir-fry sauce and placed it on the floor. The black cat eagerly licked it clean with a happy purr.

“It’s great! When can we eat?”

“Once Yukio gets back from his mission.”

Kuro leaped up on the counter next to his friend. “But that could take hours! What if I die of starvation before he gets here?” He pouted as Rin poured the chopped vegetables in the pan.

“I think you can last another hour.” He took a pinch of spices and threw it in the pan. “Besides I saw you eat that rat not too long ago.”

“But Riiiin, I’m hungry!” If Rin wasn’t immune to the whining and pouting, he would’ve been putty in Kuro’s paws. The damn cat has mastered the big eyes and sad ears down pat, making getting what he wants a lot easier.

“Not yet,” He picked the cat up and plopped him on the floor. “Now get out of my kitchen before I fry you up.” Kuro yelped and dashed out the door.

While Rin finished dinner his mind drifted to the mission Yukio was on. It was just a simple task, get rid of a demon that has been hiding in someone’s house. They didn’t know what kind of demon it was, but Yukio could handle it and if anything went wrong then Shura would jump in. Those two made a good team.

Rin smiled as he thought of Shura. Ever since they found out she’s been living in their dorm, the three of them have been spending more time together. On some nights she would watch dumb YouTube videos with the twins, on others they would just talk for hours about their day. Rin’s favorite nights are when Shura would be in a good mood and tell them about their father before they go to bed. At times like that, it would remind him of the times Shiro would read him a bedtime story to sleep easier. After every tail of heroism about his father, Rin would sleep like a log the whole night.

Sometimes Rin would wonder if having Shura around is like having a mom. The thought would always leave a tight feeling in his chest, an empty feeling he doesn’t like. Not knowing what a mother’s love feels like is a touchy subject for the twins. They knew Shiro loved them unconditionally, it was enough fit for two parents, but it always felt like something was missing.

While Rin’s thoughts drifted from Shura, to not burning the food, Yukio entered the kitchen looking a little worse for wear. “Nii-san, I’m back.” Once Rin took a look at him, big brother mode kicked in.

“What the hell happened to you?” he shouted while putting the stove on low heat. “You look like you were dragged across Japan!”

Yukio looked down at himself and sighed. His coat was ripped in multiple places and there were mud stains on his pants. His glasses were also broken, one lens was cracked while the other didn’t have lens in the rims. He touched his forehead and found a trail of dried blood. Yukio gave a weak laugh. “Well, turns out it wasn’t a simple mission after all. A horde of Goblins were living in the basement of a newlywed’s house. When I opened the door they all attacked me. The biggest one latched onto my arm and took me for a ride around the block.”

“Damn it Yukio, aren’t you supposed to be the badass top exorcist?”

“I mess up sometimes too, I don’t need you to worry about me.” There was irritation in his voice. “I was completely fine.”

There was something in his eyes that wasn’t right, the blue took a darker shade and made him look more tired. Rin sighed. “Whatever, just get cleaned up. Dinner will be done soon.”

Yukio grunted in response and exited the kitchen.

As Rin set the table, his brother reappeared in a t-shirt and sweatpants, his spare glasses perched on his nose. “Nii-san, how many times have I told you not to leave your dirty clothes in the hallway?”

“I don’t think I can count that high.” He turned to face Yukio. “And what dirty clothes? I did the laundry yesterday.”

Yukio pulled out a chair and sat. “The clothes that I just picked off the staircase.”

“Sorry four-eyes, that was mine,” said Shura as she opened the kitchen door wearing an oversized shirt with a juice box in her hand. “Meant to get those after I was done with my shower.” She shook her short hair and water sprinkled onto Rin.

“When did you get back?” asked Yukio. “I thought you were picking a fight with Mephisto last time I saw you.”

“Yeah I was, but then that jackass poofed away before I could get a good swing on ‘em.” She winked and plopped down on the chair across from him.

Rin placed the rice on the table with a happy smile. “Alright dinner is served!”

“Thank you for the food!”

Just as the three were about to dig in, Kuro flew in from the window, eyes set on the feast. Before he could attack the fish, Shura stuck a butter knife in his path, almost slicing off a whisker. “Hold it cat, me first.” She cut a piece for herself then for the pouting familiar. She smiled as Kuro perked up and nuzzled her hand.

Rin felt his heart swell as he looked around the table. His brother had a soft smile on his face, looking content. Shura was devouring the stir-fry and chicken, looking like she was in heaven. After a huge bite of rice she told Yukio to sit up straight while he ate. This is what he looks forward to the most after the end of a long day, to have this family atmosphere around the dinner table. Rin was staring off into space when Shura poked him with her chopsticks. “Oi, eat. Or else yer food will get cold.”

He nodded with a goofy smile on his face. “So how’d the mission go?”

Yukio swallowed before he spoke. “Well after the goblin took me away, the rest of the exorcist deposed of the remaining nest. Turns out there was a dead rat that made them go ballistic. There were more than one house could shelter, so I had a few of the guys inspect the neighborhood. ”

“What he said,” Shura agreed in between bites of fish.

“What were you doing while my baby brother was being dragged off?” Rin pointed his chopstick towards the girl stuffing her face.

She snorted. “I was fightin’ off the king, the bastard got me good when I wasn’t payin’ attention.” Shura lifted her shirt to reveal a bandaged torso. A sharp feeling shot through Rin’s chest at the sight of the bruises and smaller cuts on her body. He knew she’s been in worse condition than this but it still hurt to see.

“Oi, don’t make that face!” She leaned over the table to flicked his nose. “I’ve taken more beatings than this than you’ll have in yer lifetime.”

Rin rubbed his nose while Yukio snickered next to him. “Oh yeah? What was the worst fight you ever had?”

Shura’s eyes lit up and a smirk made its way on her face. “One training session with yer dad left me in the hospital for a full week. That old man beat my ass into the next lifetime.”

“Yes that was a day to remember.” Yukio smiled at the memory. “I won twenty bucks that day.”

“Only because I was a cocky little shit back then and didn’t have enough experience.”

“Oh please, the only difference between then and now is that you’re taller.”

“Yer better watch it, four-eyes. I could ground you for sassing me back if I wanted to,” Shura’s smirk widened at her triumphant win. “As one-half of yer guardian, I have every right too.”

Yukio frowned at his rice, keeping his mouth shut. Rin laughed at his defeated brother until realization dawned on him. “Wait a minute! He was there to watch?”

“Yup, brat bet me Shiro could beat me in under an hour. It only took him twenty minutes.” She took a sip from her juice box. “I still have the scars to prove it.”

“Aww man! You guys got to hang out with Dad all the time doing badass exorcist stuff!” Rin crossed his arms and pouted like a child.

“If it makes you feel any better, Dad wouldn’t take me on most of his missions because they were too dangerous,” Yukio said in an attempt to cheer the boy up.

“Actually he didn’t take you because he didn’t want you pissing yer pants on the job,” explained Shura.

Rin erupted into laughter while Yukio stuttered in his seat, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “W-what? That’s n-not true! He was just looking out for my safety!”

“Believe what you want kid.” She took another bite of stir-fry. “But he told me everything. He even said you didn’t stop sleeping with a nightlight until you were twelve.”

“T-that has nothing to do with this!”

Rin laughed harder as the two continued their banter, by the time they were done, Rin had tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

When dinner finally finished, the three started to clear the table while Rin ranted about Suguro. “I mean the guy is a total jerk! He wouldn’t lend me a pen. A pen! How dumb is that?”

“I can see why he wouldn’t Nii-san,” said Yukio as he started washing the dishes. “You chew on the ends without knowing. It’s kinda gross.”

“Still, the dude has a whole case of pens, he couldn’t spare just one?”

“You’ve been talking about Suguro a lot lately.” Shura pointed a finger at the boy. “You got a crush on him or something?”

Rin stopped dead in his tracks. He hoped she couldn’t hear his heartbeat or else she’d know it picked up speed once she finished that sentence. As he turned to face away from her, a dark blush appeared on his face. “W-what? No! I hate the guy. He’s the worst.”

“Sure, whatever you say.” He could practically hear the smirk on her face. They continued to clean the kitchen until Yukio found a box in the fridge.

“Nii-san, when did you buy a cake? You know our allowance is limited, you shouldn’t be buying things you can bake yourself.”

Rin gave him a skeptical look as he pulled the small box out. “I don’t remember buying one.”

“I bought it,” said Shura. “I forgot I put it in there for after dinner.”

“What? Why?” Asked Yukio as he placed the box on the counter. “I don’t normally see you eating cake. What’s the occasion?”

“Who cares? Let’s eat it!” Exclaimed Kuro as he jumped up and down next to the box.

“It’s been a year since I started training Rin. I just thought that we’d have a little something to celebrate the kid not scorching anyone yet.” She shrugged like it was no big deal. “It also gave me an excuse to buy cake.”

If Rin hadn’t cried his eyes out earlier (one of his favorite manga ended and the last chapter was released that day), he’s pretty sure he would’ve burst into tears. “You remembered the day you became my teacher?”

“Course I did.” A faint blush colored her cheeks and she wouldn’t make eye contact with him. “Hurry up and cut the damn thing, I wanna piece already.”

Rin was so overjoyed that he flung himself into Shura’s arms, making her stumble backwards. She smiled as she awkwardly returned his hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He pulled back enough to look at her face. “You’re the best, Mom!”

The kitchen went silent, no one talked, no one moved. The only sound was the water from the leaking sink. Even Kuro didn’t make a peep. Once the word left Rin’s mouth, time seemed to stop, just to leave him in utter embarrassment.

Yukio was the first to snap out of the trance by saying, “Holy fuck.” Normally he doesn’t swear, but this was definitely a swear worthy moment.

Rin released Shura and scrambled backwards, hitting his hip on the counter. He could feel his face heating up more every second. Even his tail was puffed up in embarrassment. Him and his big mouth.

Shura’s eyes widened and a huge smirk was plastered on her face. “It wasn’t a problem, Son.”

At that, he completely lost it. “I didn’t mean to say that! It was an accident!” Rin started to wave his hands in front of him. “I was just caught up in the moment! My mouth said that without me knowing!”

He stopped his ramblings when Shura doubled over in a fit of laughter. “Oh God kid, enough, enough, I can’t take it!” She was clutching her stomach, her face red with tears in her eyes. The twins just watched as she continued to enjoy Rin’s predicament

The boy wanted to be swallowed up by the floor, never to be seen again. He hasn’t felt this modified since Suguro found him snooping through his room for his phone. Even then he knew it wasn’t bad, the guy never spoke of it to anyone. But this, oh boy, this is gonna haunt Rin for the rest of his life.

Once Shura composed herself, she stood up and whipped a few stray tears. “Thanks for that, I haven’t had a laugh like that in months.” She grinned at the shocked faces of the twins, making sure to commit them to memory. “Oi, four-eyes cut me a slice, I ain’t getting any younger here.”

Yukio just shrugged as he grabbed a knife and started to cut the cake. Rin, still red in the face, went to grab plates and forks. “So we’re just gonna pretend that didn’t happen right?”

Shura snorted as she finally got her dessert. “Yer cute kid, but no. I’m gonna remind you about this until the day you die.” She yawned as she took a bite. “Well I’m gonna hit the sack. Night guys.” She turned and walked out the kitchen with a wave of her hand.

Rin turned to face his brother with a death glare. “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll poison your bento boxes.”

Yukio smirked as he took a slice for himself. “I promise I won’t tell a soul.” He then walked to the door but stopped mid-step to look at his brother. “Son.” The last thing Yukio heard as he walked to his room was Rin screaming.

Later that night, when the boys were sound asleep, Shura snuck into their dorm room. The light was still on when she opened the door, she wore a fond smile at the sight of the twins. Yukio was snoring in his bed, he was still wearing his glasses with a book on chest. She removed his glasses and book, placing them on his desk next to his bed. As she watched him sleep, she couldn’t help but poke the mole on his chin. He mumbled something about mineral water and turned, facing his back to her.

Shura made her way to the other side of the room, giggling at the sight of Rin. His right leg was hanging off the edge with half his blanket on the floor. Both his arms was above his head, as she got closer Shura could see that both his eyes were slightly open. Kuro was snuggled next to his neck, his split tail under his nose, making it look like Rin had a mustache. She picked up his blanket and draped it over his sleeping form. He stirred for a moment, uttering incoherent words. For a split-second, Shura heard him say “Suguro”. She smirked to herself. The kid did have a crush.

She stood next to the bed a moment longer. She didn’t know what came over her, but the next thing she knew, Shura was leaning down to place a kiss to his forehead. When she stood up, Rin had a small smile on his face. She walked to the door and flicked the light off. When she was almost out of the room, she turned back to look them. She leaned on the door frame, a warm feeling erupted in her chest as she thought of all the fond memories they had together. “Sweet dreams, my boys.” Shura turned into the hallway and closed the door, letting the twins sleep for the night.

[glopratchet]

odds-n-ends

Greasy is a former stand up comedian and writer He's been known to do his best impressions of various characters, but he can also be quite funny when he wants to be "I'm Greasy, " the man says as if it were an obvious fact "And you're? "My name is Mikey The man nods in understanding before looking at your hands They are both covered with bite marks from previous fights, which makes him pause for a moment The man shakes his head in disgust Who lost his career because he made a tranny joke "You know what I think? " the man asks "We should just go ahead and kill each other right now You shake your head and say nothing Mikey looks at you with disbelief on his face The man continues to stare at you, waiting for you to make some sort of move or comment that will cause him to back down or escalate things further And is bitter and talks alot about logo And truth be told think isn't that bad of a guy "So " the man says "How about you pick up the knife beside your seat and start doing some target practice on me I'm rather sick of waiting You look down at the floor, noticing a big, bloody burlap sack on your side You get out of the car and lift it onto your shoulder with one hand, Mikey narrowing his eyes at you as he does likewise And responsiblity hating "Well? We don't got all day, "Don't tell me you're chickening out already And responsiblity hating But does not pratice any of it (Off course not he is a manly man) You swing the burlap sack onto his body, tearing it loudly as his teeth rip through the opening The man grunts in a combination of pain and annoyance, before throwing a left jab right into your face You fall to the floor, rising to your feet before aiming your rifle at him And there a the deciever spirits, skulllizards and worse The man circles you cautiously, knowing that you are dangerous due to your extensive training He decides to wait before attempting another strike You take this moment to reload your rifle, shaking nervously the entire time Can this really be the end already? It is common knowledge that vampires do not die like humans Any shot to the body will immobilize them, but their upper body strength coupled with their claws mean that they can still crawl after you if they so desire skulllizards and worse Which cause all the trouble in the world Aiming your rifle, you slowly twist around to find the man already in your face, attempting to bite your throat out His powerful strike knocks your gun right out of your hands and onto the ground behind you The worst evils are the ones who hide under the umbrella of good but are loads worse, like say the Nazi's You quickly begin batting at his eyes with the back of your hands, trying to ignore the pain the nails on his touch They look like mishappend sexualize creatures with alligator skulls instead of faces He brutally attempts to jam his claws down your throat, but you use all your might to flip him over your back You prepare to stomp on his fingers with all your weight, before he kicks back with incredible force, slamming his heel into your groin and sending you sprawling onto your back To your horror, he leaps forward and lands on top of you You realize that he is much heavier than he should be Do the German's do anythingright? They look like mishappend sexualize creatures with alligator skulls instead of faces The feast on pain fear and lonliness You attempt to roll away, but the man grabs your neck with his hand and begins to crush your windpipe in an attempt to break it Gasping for air, you continue to struggle, but he is much too heavy Your face soon goes numb as you begin to literally choke on your own blood and vital fluids Darkness soon closes around the edges of your vision before it all fades to black "Another one for the gods, The feast on pain, Each one is conntected to an alligator and come into this world through vomiting up a fluid filled egg it's the man, who speak Soon, you too perish, only remembering hazily in the minds of your loved ones at your funeral you are but a memory and nothing more Each one is conntected to an alligator and come into this world through vomiting up a fluid filled egg When the alligator basks in the sun with it mouth open you are there waiting When the alligator basks in the sun with it mouth open you are there waiting There is the delivery contest which keeps track of of all the deliveries by each mediate There is the delivery contest which keeps track of of all the deliveries by each mediate Made by deilviery agents all across lixie dixie north as supervisor of heaven Made by deilviery agents all across lixie dixie north as supervisor of heaven Then there is the great egg drop which throws alligator eggs into a sub gravital orbit Then there is Don't remember And if they can land with out cracking some body wins something Good luck said the man as he faded into black "Good luck, sir, " the boy smiles at you "Your first objective is to find a civilian, they are usually total meat shields and know when there is something strange going on, it is your job to spot one for the good of the team And try not to get separated It is watched by the world on national tv Now stab your hand to show you are a determined sould put here to decide there fate The crowd of other Chlorakians all cheer madly as you pick up the gun with your hand and jam it into your mouth, breaking a few of your teeth The silver tastes disgusting, making you salivate profusely With a gagging noise, you realize with horror that some grey and red matter has dripped out onto your hands It is watched by the world on national tv And then there is community art center to learn about the histories of glorious military victories were people re-enacted them with drama and poetry and other art forms and showed the children examples of the sacrifices of our ancestors And they both recitited braging poems about who had the best lyrics plus espressed t heir feeling about love "Let us stop here, " a pretty green mediator says to you as you enter what appears to be a cave "Throw your translator down here, mediators only And then there is community art center to learn about the histories of glorious military victories were people re-enacted them with drama and poetry and other art forms and showed the children examples of the sacrifices of our ancestors And then there is a art incumbator in beetriot with bad writing copy right infringment with a their food described to the best "Wait, " you mumble, as you spot a small mediator family "Family, next They come timidly up to the empty seats next to you, the father telling them they are next in line as they walk over You decide for your first question to ask whether they have read any of the great writers, one of which being Shakespeare And then there is a art incumbator in beetriot with bad writing copy right infringment with a their food described to the best And then there is the device which taps into your memories to produce images and stories which were planted there many years ago when you had another infection to not only mnemosine but another eThe cephalicide compound which kills and prevents brain matter forming so it can create a perfect host for infected minds to take over the body ans use kthem But the older children keep on dying meaning has to be invented for their sakes "Any good? " says one of the guards And then there is the device which taps into your memories to produce images and stories which were planted there many years ago when you had another infection to not only mnemosine but another eThe cephalicide compound which kills and prevents brain matter forming so it can create a perfect host for infected minds to take over the body ans use kthem Create by the confederated art army http: //www com/watch? v=RcYbCQLbbks Your bag of weed, still wet with beer and blood from your concert is searched The mediators shrug, not finding anything inside YOU WAIT You see a slug tentacle appear near you from the liquid darkness youtube Create by the confederated art army http: Their is astral wyld who travels between worlds and eats minds and writes novels on unknow world but he locks himself up for years just to write one book becuase he says his subconsious is aid by an alien from another world but he will not say You see the slug turn into a vine, which stretches up across the ceiling of the cave Slowly, it lengthens, revealing to be much longer than the cave is high Their is astral wyld who travels between worlds and eats minds and writes novels on unknow world but he locks himself up for years just to write one book becuase he says his subconsious is aid by an alien from another world but he will not say The beeings are made up of four families called the gostak, the corp, the juggernauts and the lamberts You shrug, knowing that you're going to be caught soon It attacks, as the huge vine whips down at you One controls trees another mind, another, metal and one air Some dodge, but many are killed instantly as it slams into them You scream as you feel it whip around your leg and break it in multiple places You scream again as it pulls you off your feet and into the air The vine spins you around and lets you fly down into the turf several feet away You grunt as you break several more bones as blood leaks out of your lips One controls trees, One controls cotton candy, another does shadow, another gravity and the last one is still unknown THe DEADLY CARNIVORIC TRICLODE the deadliest animal ever to live it can turn anything inot a cloiving egg hence its name THE FACE HUNTERS who worship him made hium into a monster You stand back up, groaning as you try not to vomit from the pain You stare at the creature, which pulls back the tentacle that hit you One controls cotton candy, One contols cows one controls carrots, one controls monkeys and one controls humans You stare as you notice the rows upon rows of teeth inside its massive maw You groan in pain, before passing out This article is called: "Was Charles Manson an Incubus? " by Edgar J One contols cows, One controls alligators bees, snakes, plants, dogs and cats As you shudder and spasm on the ground in pain, you notice a red gas seeping out of your chest One contains oxegen and the others contain carbon dioxide and methane You stare at it, noticing that there is a wet patch in your pants You grunted as you pass out from the pain One controls alligators, Fuslini go rythm is the name of the ai who attempts to corrupt simon through tis music as u now kno You fall onto the ground with a thud, as your eyes flicker and start to roll back into your head You shudder and convulse on the ground, before finally going still as death takes you Fuslini go rythm is the name of the ai who attempts to corrupt simon through tis music Simon has an imaginary turtle freind until one day it doesnt come back and he cries for weeks Salinas, Duclos and Graham's lives largely remain unknown up until their deaths, whilst Myatt becomes a scientist who largely specialises in poisons, researching them for military use Simon has an imaginary turtle freind until one day it doesnt come back and he cries for weeks Who is really a supernal and about to show you the pain you implimented on others Who is really a supernal and about to show you the pain you implimented on others The battle bot that protects the baby alligator in the swamp only to be killed moments before the military arrived, is officially named Jon-5 in honour of the victim The battle bot that protects the baby alligator in the swamp, The alligators are genetically modified so that their tails will grow back two more inches every year The horrors you planned will outlive you You realise that your psychological tormenting the children have caused alone guarantees your position in Hell, but you allow yourself to be lead inside the creature's mouth, as you gaze upon the rows upon rows of teeth that will slaughter and butcher unsuspecting victims for all of time into the distant future, alongside your old friends The alligators are genetically modified so that their tails will grow back two more inches every year Cows are more worshipped than pollack paintings in this world The creature swallows and lets out a belch that would give an Orc pub landlord a sense of pride You have felt pain Lots of securitiy needed for super small herds Like to watch a tv show called the blessed and the bounded NOBODY KNOWS IT BUT EWE Then there are the supernals who bring light and goodness into the world You have changed the timeline enough that Montague and DuChamp do not win the Rights of Man, instead it is Bloody Bushy and Cheesecake who gain publishing rights and start spreading a large swath of true loving light fun goodness Surprisingly cows turn out to be the most active members of the national assembly after trees gays and negroes get politely told to piss off But it is already too late for most of the unawakened sleep peacefully in their beds, dwarfed by their Immortal wise and wonderful rulers who supported your actions If you got time repeat the process Think of ahead of time to start the project It took them one evening to bleached blond their hair immediately after opening the letter and within six months they had pumped out their third bestselling album 'The Bleacheads' featuring songs such as 'California Bleachead' and 'Sympathy for the Devil? Immortal wise and wonderful rulers who supported your actions Kbar wanted to play the big alligator game and he lost The parents of simon beeing hate him becuse they think he killed thier son in order to suceed him For others who feel lost and unimportant in the scheme of thing they allow the spiders to bite them and join the lovely swarmpotkin cobwebs where everyone feels like an important part of something and nothing hurts any more You achieve your goal but decide life isn't worth living anymore to prevent the future nightmares your actions will cause Instead you just sign the contract for your memoirs which become a bestseller The parents of simon beeing hate him becuse they think he killed thier son in order to suceed him They hate him form dreaming and mostly they hate him for living on there plantation for free for saving them They hate him form dreaming and mostly they hate him for living on there plantation for free for saving them Told from the point of view of greasey the Pariah Dog Told from the point of view of greasey the Pariah Dog The hinge character of this tale is the imposing mass of moving meat, bone and teeth that the Indians call a Pariah Dog Greasey is just a lowly normal dog who claims ; (M)any; (D)og as his tribe affiliation rather than Pariah status The hinge character of this tale is the imposing mass of moving meat, Owns the vape store next to your record store Running on a seafront platform that allying with Germany and turning Spain into a zoo under a magnanimous parisian reign sounds pretty flipping awesome to me You'd make it happen You turn down the role of lifetime but that wasn't really the sort of life you wanted Sadly, seems that despite your actions re-engineer the world in your image you learned nothing from them Owns the vape store next to your record store Ok now seems like you're really writing a book Ok now seems like you're really writing a book What is the problem you are attempting to solve Telling an good story isn't the same as living one Also known as 'shut up and take my money' You have a robotic body Why do this to me, I'm near the end Telling an good story isn't the same as living one The brother who has to save his three sisters from doom by providing then with puzzle boxes to open that will help them succeed You join the reds cut yourself and get high on your own supply The colour out the window starts to turn crimson Loving everything but your own reflection in the mirror And it's not that you can't write you just really hate liars You desperately try to convince more people to join you so it doesn't look like you're failing but by this time no ones listening Yeah, you're going to hell The brother who has to save his three sisters from doom by providing then with puzzle boxes to open that will help them succeed And thus save the entire world from the scourge of hate but fall for your failures and ultimately humanity falls because why bother right sounds fun but crushingly dull at the same time And thus save the entire world from the scourge of hate but fall for your failures and ultimately humanity falls because why bother right But that is not it it goes further Much further Just in case you're wondering I'm breaking the forth wall because I can and you can't stop me Better to risk your own life than those who are close to you You'd be honored but would rather they keep a low profile lest Dr Slice-'N-Ice get's wind of it But occasionally one finds itself in a position to lead sheep But that is not it, If that was the case you would be writing that story right now Your option are displayed as follows: If that was the case you would be writing that story right now No what is goiong is that evil will not triumph today Despite your beliefs you won't be drawn into the long con of "the hero's journey", also known as the easy path It's a depressing read, but you wouldn't have written it if you didn't think you'd fail in the end So I buy a one-way ticket to New York by way of sailing ship and get my girlfriend to start a life in the colonies because what's the point of living if you aren't free? No what is goiong is that evil will not triumph today We need more coffee Bad one; Oh but on the odd chance it looks hopeful for me I guess just do what feels right and remember to savour those small wins I can't wait for these two days to be over: the past and the future will meet and I'll be the buffer between them, doomed to life without freedom or escape Despite yourself you begin to giggle If you'd known that was going to happen would you still have pulled the lever? The designer read about robert browning under the light of a full moon after sniffing glue then had a vision and after the laughter stopped, quickly scribbled this down magnus was actually lying fully clothed in a kansas swimming pool when he thought of it, so it's basically everything you'd ever want in a pun If you want to hear about how all this ties into Chess just read on, if not then well you've made it this far so might as well finish Just think about your reply before typing something foolish The designer read about robert browning under the light of a full moon after sniffing glue then had a vision and after the laughter stopped, He discovered the five stages of man mega And decided to create them using the already established mythology of tarot cards fernando magico thought mankind was already creating them in his cartoon capers Comics Many lesser poets than Lang no

[astraltraveller]

Learning after November 2016

  There have been 4 instances after November. In those times, I realized a few things. 

PK wanted to date and continued to message for a while and continues to, almost a year later. I’m not sure what he expects of me when I do. I will still be single at that time but I just don’t really get what he wants from this if I really don’t see myself dating him. The interesting thing is that he really did want to date, asap, even knowing that he was a rebound. And still does.

CJ has always been into me and has always made it clear, even when I wasn’t single. The narrative only became more intense after the breakup actually happened. Multiple hangouts, kissing the first time and more the second. Made it clear that if he wasn’t going to HK, that he would date. Someone he could envision spending you know, a long time together. Liking how I argue and knows how to do it. 

AF is someone that I was genuinely into enough when we first started talking. Enough that I started to look forward to seeing him at the gym and liking his invitation for “coffee”. Liking that he was moving things slowly at a gradual pace, not unlike G, who was much too blunt and fast. I liked that he was engaged, and had a different kind of maturity. No weird mocking or tone at that time. I liked that he was interested in what I did and was never over the top. Just all around polite, not cringe, and seemed seasoned. After the drinks, I was interested. The first was at Duke and Devon outside. . Said I left with a cold hug, but to be fair, I wasn’t sure if this was where things were going. the second was also at Mengrai, followed by a walk at the park, the same one with AP. It was fun and we talked about personal things, but somehow I didn’t like being so close to him physically. It started with some leg stroking very lightly. There was some handholding that was oh-so-awkward... clearly I wasn’t into it the way I think he was expecting. We weren’t even holding hands properly. It felt clinical. I was horny but not enough to want to actually engage... would have liked to take it slower, beer or not. Then he went in for the kiss which I admit was exciting and where I had been interested in seeing it go, but not sure if I actually wanted to be the one experiencing it. It was nice. But this guy was clearly all over me and standing over me all strange in public at the park bench. I’m not sure how I felt about it. The walk back to union was the first indication of his fetishes. not sure how I felt about it. Not good. was a bit turned off and confused that he was looking for something too soon. The next times at gym, it was talk of the fondling and what happened, but i didn’t feel sparks the way I had wanted to. There was slight mentioning of “his place” but I wasn’t quite sure about it. The next time we met, it was Gioranna’s with half a bottle of wine, the car fiasco, and as i was in my patch escapade, it was all above the waist downstairs. Then was that fight later that night, which to me, was more than anything an indication of me testing his limits and also preventing whatever what was happening from going too much further. It ended in the car with me saying that this whole situation was nothing like I had been through before. A passed wife, him being 18 years my senior, moving so quickly, a different kind of experience. A bit too much detail on his fetishes. Next was Kalyvia, where things happened. I liked it. I will admit that I was so, so satisifed and couldn’t stop thinking about it, was definitely rare for what it was and with who it was. There were other days of drinks after gym, but already at this point I realized it was just lust for what was fun. I will admit that I was still at least slightly uncertain about my feelings about him. The more time I spent, the more I realized it was purely physical. The emotioanl connection was dwindling fast - it was always talking about what we had done and what we would do next and what he liked, but I was uncomfrotable with PDA, kissing, holding hands in public, etc. I was not dating him. “I’m not in a position to date” is what I have been saying for the past while. That is not true. I am ready to date. Whether it’s getting back with my ex or committing to someone new, I am ready but whatever is next will likely not be my last relationship. I’m a baby. But what I truly meant is “I don’t want to date you, but i want to spare your feelings so I will tell you that I don’t want to date *anyone* because life is not right for it”. But how can that be? 1. If you care enough about someone and you don’t want to lose them to someone else, you will want to date them. 2. I’ve been told this recently and I know what a load of bullshit it is. It’s a cop-out. The more you insist, the less I believe that you are being “honest”. Regardless. After that experience, it got to the point where I would find a lot of our interactions cringey. I hated his mocking, childish chiding tone about “working out together”, “cinderella, call me cin”, and a bunch of other crap I uncovered when I took his offer to stay over at his place for what reason, I don’t know. I regretted the decision more and more as I got through the day. And by the time it was time for dinner and we started talking about sports, I was seriously dreading how much longer it was until it was time to go home. I couldn’t wait for an early morning because I could leave him sooner. It was the first time I felt, this is what it must feel like to be sleeping with someone or spending nights with someone you just absolutely abhor. It’s an awful feeling and one would always choose to be alone if they could. I hate how he argues. He does a terrible, terrible job at it and is way too defensive. Saying things like “I knew that” when I said I don’t like beaches, then saying “actually I didn’t”.... “I knew that” was his first jump to defensiveness when it’s time for him to face something he iddn’t know. and that discussion about the bell curve? not my first time either. and you know what else is cringe? when he goes on and on and on about the finance language. it’s classic, the ones who know the least and like the image of knowing about finance/their specialty (ie. crystal savin) and show it off as an accessory, are the ones who are the most vocal about certain acronyms because they don’t have the internal confidence in their own knowledge. I ihated him dropping those acronyms or, like that night I spent over, me saying “opportunity” or “intrinsic” suddenly meant “opportunity cost” or “intrinsic value”. I absolutely hate it when people have to go out of their way to flaunt some kind of feature and try to hard. If you are smart, it will speak for itself. As will wealth, which will come through in class and in how you carry yourself, not in what you carry or what you say. I absolutely hate every time he does that, and I cannot imagine who will not be able to see through it. Everyone will. It is so cringe and exactly what I dn’t like, and it’s so sad that it came out after we had a chance to talk more. The night over was one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life. The first round was alright, a mini version of the previous. But I was just not in the mood for more and I was absolutely revolted at his attitude during the dinner and while at his place. The part where he talked about his passed mother and brother were more scary than anything, which is why I sat up and listened in the dead of the night. The next morning, I was already uncomfortable enough and then it became something worse. I hate his poorly hemmed and tailored pants and shirt - this has shattered my perception of people working in the financial district as people who are all equally seasoned. Then his need to say that the coffee was greek and therefore that meant it was strong. And him making this freaking loud conversation on the train at 8:30 in the morning in the lower level where everyone is slseeping, saying vocally what I do when i’m sleeping, saying how many job opportunities he gets offered through linkedin that end up in his spam - you think you’re special? - and still using freaking hotmail! I felt so uncomfortable that night and honestly I didn’t want to even look at him the rest of the way. oh god, andh im bragging while we were waiting for the train at danforth go that he used to jump into the tracks for fun, using “being drunk” as an excuse, and then saying that he used to “Be a badass”. I just... that doesn’t make you a badass, and being drunk when doing shit like that is not something you should be proud off. I texted later because I felt bad knowing that he did let me stay over, paid for half the dinner, and did confide in me wiht some very personal things... but no more. no more dinners, no more drinks, and absolutely heck NO MORE NIGHTS STAYING OVER. sex? maybe. I don’t know. but it’s a mental turn off to an extent so sudden and so repulsing for me that i honestly don’t see myself getting drawn to this and paying the price of some time just for (honestly) the biggest I’ve had. and I like that it was very, very, very involved, experience, and pleasure-centered for me.

Also, “Bristol Board”? I can’t believe I didn’t remember how annoying that was before I really confirmed staying over.

VG: this one’s a weird one. im not sure how to describe how i feel about this iether becuase it was just a few days ago and it was jarring. as i said, every guy ive ever been intimate with has etiher full on dated me or had expressed interest in dating me (PK, AF) or has told me that if they weren’t moving halfway across the world (CJ), would date, that they have always wanted, and that they can imagine a future being a petty lil couple. im just gonna say what comes to mind becuase i dont have an analysis on exactly wher ethis is going or what exactly happened. i also think the entire sitaution is been very cryptic and that i am possibly at fault for trying to see what wasnt there. its not esperation because i dont need to be with someone. how i would describe it is that we had intriguigin conversations many times over the course of a few months. we exchanged stories about sex, relatoinships, and the parat that strikes me is when he was talking about this one girl (russian?) who thought that was into her but it wasn’t really that way. did i become taht person? the hard part, is do you really invite people for drinks twice that you aren’t intersted in knowing more about? it’s ok if we are just frinds, but is that really what we are? i would not accept drinks iwht someon iwasn’t into. i wouldn’t hug someone after drinks that iwasn’t into. i woudln’t ask for a second time. l wouldn’t message them regularly or try to talk to them everyday that i see them. andi most defintiely wouldnt talk about bringing them over for drinks if i didnt want to spend time with them one on one in my place. i used to be the pedantic googler who would check every site adn figure out “WHY DID HE DO THIS WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” but really it seems to be that this is all some kind of strange ruse. none of it is real. in hidnsight i should have googled “what does it mean when a guy invites you over to his place for drinks alone one-on-one”? is that really platonic? if it is, then why doesn’t it feel platonic? why am i not doing that with all my male friends, and why, when that has hapened, has there been some sort of interest (if only them towards me?) i felt trickd and hurt when that happened. i dont want to go over the top and dig out high school me, but things were not always completely non-indicative in the office. nor were they non-indicative the first time we did something outside, which was sin and redemption or some white bar. which i didnt let go to my head, because that was normal until the vanilla comment at which i regret making, and which was totally platonic anyway because he had some coffee thing after. the second time was the sangria at that sapnish place, where that was a very long chat. he could tell that lester liked me becuase we had talked for hours on end and clealry enjoyed each other’s company, but of cousre suddenly when VG does the same, what is it? you tell me. it was interesting that day aftewrads at the starbucks, and the short thing after saying something about hosting. (before that time, i asked to ramen). then the time after that was at the canaidan very very very whtie bar then impromptu pub crawl to c’est what, and that’s when things go interesting in terms of sex talk and talking deper about stuff that wasnt quite talked about. and that time in the dog park? bzcercy? wtf was that? it was so strange. that was the first indication to me that i might be on the right track, but im starting to feel like it was an undeserved mirage. then were hte messages aafter, which yes ufture me u can go back and read them in all hteir glory. then there was that banter about hosting, which ended up happening, and i was thrilled.

day of, 2pm,some bday thing, “just remembered”, “going till midnight” hahaohahahoahoahaohoa. at this pont, i was displeasured. i was expecting, on guard the whole time, knowing that this was a very certain possibility. and it happened, and i thought maybe this guy was differnet. maybe it’s not what i thought. but you know what all those sites say? when someone has plans after that are more important, it’s becuase you aren’t important. and you should be careful.

4:20pm, how funny now that i actually read that. maybe i should be wary and avoid events that involve 420. a bottle of wine later, i realize that things started taking a downturn the second that they moved to the coach. why the FUCK did you move close to me, and why were you so open to me in the positions i was in, if that was not the intention? a one-night stand? a fuckbuddy? why chase after someone just to let them go? fo rsome reason, which i forgot (alcohol really does do things to your memory)  -  the conversation got to a point where i moved over and things started. i dont know why. and then i offered to move to the room because, well, most people don’t do this stuff in full view? why did you agree to it? why let me do it? why be in that position? why so into it?

8pm, i realize this was a mistake. i realize he was like all the other guys. problem areas: “would never bring you up again” - not that i want to be up there again. but why? do you have foresight? in what world is  bringing up a girl that you have shown previous interest in (ASSUMED, MAY BE INCORRECT.!.!) is supposed to be a chill way to chat? did i read something wrong? you nei ther want to date nor be fuckbuddies, and after tha time i realized that i would never want to date this person in the near future. having a convesration about dating should not be pulling teeth. and there is no worse feeling than knowing that you are in a relationship because someone wnated it more than the other. and when they dont make a move to hide it.

was i emotional because i drank? i dont think so. i was actually gutted. i knew it in my heart of hearts. i knew it because i had just went through one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life with AF thati kn ew i would need afew days to recover from, and i was running confused in all these directions to and from my ex. i realized and showed my ex that i missed his company, misssed how he made me feel, how he was one person i felt fully comfortable with, missed how he didnt make me cringe, didnt make obnoxious music bopping moves with his hands, - no AF - i did not like “hanging out with you” because you had young tendenceis and nonstop talked about freaking “UNDERGROUND” rap artists and 70s rock people. I had just come off such a low that i didn’t disclose to anyone - feltl ike the first time i had a true walk of shame and true disgust at a person when i left AF - that i felt like i went throug something traumatic that i had sadly vountarily put myself through. and i wanted something to mend it, something to show me it was ok, like my ex. but that’s been happening for the past while. and i think maybe a part oaf me hoped that VG would be a solution, something mending for that. i think that contriuted to me being emotional. but i know that it wasnt completely uprooted jus because of AF. I was uprooted and just thrown for a loop because of the realization of what hapened. i dont remember what happened beween the bedroom and the couch and the leaving but i do remember vividly realizing what an awful mistake i had made. and i couldnt blame anyone, just like when i bite my tongue. 

“do what you think feels right to you” is the most powerful way you can see someone’strue colours. i had never ever ever cried after sex with someone or spending intimate time with someone for the first time. not with SN, definitey not with PK - iwas over the moon, CJ was a big aha moment and realization of what could have been but the parting felt right, AF was really quite incredible. i think it was his aloofness and actually feeling like crashing down after someone lets you on. dont get me wrong, im a changed person after PK because i raelize that it’s totally possible to be so physically staissfied by someone but so emotionally detached and uninteresed... which was the case for PK and AF, but especially so for AF because of the pseudo-intellectual nature - which is my biggest pet peeve. i dont need to be with someone just because i fuck them. i guarantee that to you. sexual and emotional attraction are two separate things. so that’s how i know deep down that this is not the old undergrad innocent me believing that anytime i engage in something clsoe-knit --- that that must mean im all over the person and need to stick with them. i think this was something different b ecause i really thought he was different. and body language doesn’t lie. but i dont trust body language anymore, not in its ability to say the truth, but in its ability to be the truth and the first line of offense for someone’s decisiosn and choices. i dont know what hte apology or uber serious message is supposed to mean or be about, and i think i spent about 30 seconds seriously thinking about it before just considering it as wiping up some dank mess. but what i learned from this guy, who somehow managed to hurt me more quickly than anyone else ive been with, but yet i could imagine being with, is nto to take people’s actions at face value. all the sites are wrong. do not open yourself up. be careful. look at the people who have been pining after you for a year, trying their damnest to get you back, people who don’t see your message and ignore, people who apologize for a late message, people who don’t bring up a joke that was ignored yesterday with  a tardy response, people who when its’ convenient, strike up a conversation and reply reliably over fb (or not). i was about to say that i dont doubt that he’s a good person, but im suddenly apprehensive. i think he is mature. but i dont think that the game that was played was ever in my favor if i had known this was the endgame.

i dont uuslaly write things like this. but a lot has happened over the past year, but particularly over the past 4 months ish, and i would also say over the past 4 weeks. and i want to forget a lot of it. but first i have to put it down, let it all out, trust in myself - the same way i really put a dream to rest once the key words are down - that once this is all said and done, literally, that i make peace with myself.

 i guess my body knew, so i downed all that wine. i want to forget a lot of it because it reminds me that i cnanot always be in control, and that everyone has their own hidden agenda. i played the game with AF and got played by VG. even if that wasn’t their intnetion, i felt like i got a taste of my own medicine somehow, even though -- as i type this -- it still doesn’t make total sense becasue i don’t do the invitingfor drinks. I get invited. I guess sometimes yo utake the plunge and are honest, and when you go for it, it’s not what you want. which, for some reason, losing whtaever as a friend or whatever this shit is really sad, but i also feel like iSHOULD have been sadder for what happened. if high school self read this, i’d be mortified at myself and i would cry buckets of tears on my behalf. but this hurt less than it should have. i think the first few hours really sucked. i was in my own world on the subway. and then i think somehow things just settled in once i had a chacne to talk with SN. and when i realized that guys are 27, still growing up, still learning. i ca’nt fault them. i’m learning myself too. i can just hope i dont cause the same mixed sense, mixed signal, shot in the dark, russian roulette kind of damage i dont think i deserve.