#shit was pretty rough for me and Doug growing up and I absolutely did the I Am Older I Must Protect thing as well

[beeceit]

it makes me so sad how Raph sets himself on a different level from his brothers when he's having a big protective moment, even in more comedic episodes. I actually had to pause the screen and yell for a minute watching Pizza Puffs when he said "but they're just kids" bc it's like RAPH BABY BOY YOU ARE ONE YEAR OLDER YOU ARE ALSO JUST KIDS. But the worst part is that it's not really something anyone else seems to expect of him, it's something he puts on himself. Like, no one ever tells him he's supposed to fix everything. The boys look to him first because he's the leader, but that also seems to be self appointed. He's way too relatable and it breaks me. Like, I'll be watching and be like "Ah, yeah, big sibling moment. I'm like that, too" and then getting hit with the emotional equivalent of a frying pan bc he SHOULDN'T be as relatable as he is to me. I'm an actual adult and the age difference between me and my brothers are 6 years and 20 years. I just want to wrap this boy in 30 blankets and give him a day off. He makes himself responsible for way more than a teen ever should

[wavemaker9]

Good shit i remembered or newly thought of for orig/reverse spn au:

- kyle on his own when ivan goes to purgatory and also kyle when he first meets doug and ends up so thankful for this asshole's help

- i still like orig au gil in the what is and what should never be shit, i still like that. 

- either au but kyle with teh famine shit. kyle ready to off himself in a moment if he thinks it'll get himself praise but then also afterwards feeling angry and embarrassed and guilty about all that, about how close he did almost come to that and in front of his brother/friend as well, but not wanting to talk about it with said brother/friend.

- reverse au, ivan making it clear for kyle to stay by his side so kyle doesn't wander in ahead of time, but like. famine knows what each of them hunger for yeah? if that wasn't straight out confirmed, at least wiht him knowing why dean doesn't hunger for anything if not by something else, it at least being implied. and even if for some reason not, doesn't take a genius to see kyle's eagerness to follow orders when ivan tells him to do something, how he otherwise hesitates to do /anything/ because what if that's not what ___ would want him to do. so famine just like after a moment telling kyle to come over to him and kyle without a second thought, yeah okay, about it and jogs on over to his side, yes, hello, what did you need me to do? and ivan ??? kyle! don't go over there! and kyle starts to head back but a demon moving in to grab him. famine even waving that off, 'that's unnecessary. kyle's going to stand there no matter what if he wants to make us all proud, isn't he?' and kyle kind of hesitatingly glancing at ivan because ivan said not to but like. he can make one friend like him slightly more or he can make a lot of potential friends like him maybe a lot more? so sorry, i hope you're not too mad, ivo, tell me if you're too mad, please don't be too mad.

- ivan watching vetala kyle stab himself in the heart yet still hold onto teh blade in case he’s asked to take the final step even while in pain. honestly like. kyle would have hesitated, asked to confirm, but if assured this was what was wanted, like, yeah, he woulda done that and that. ivan would /know/ that and see him so close to that and god that’d have to be terrifying

- but also like gil seeing kyle with a knife to his throat knowing if kyle cuts, gil wouldn’t be able to get across the room in time to stop him before the cut would be lethal and after all teh shit today, also /knowing/ that if famine asks kyle to and makes it clear how important it is like. at that point he loses his brother, that’s just it for kyle he cannot save him at that point and him just on edge, trying desperately to resolve this without pushing famine into pushing kyle too far. 

- the moment all that’s taken care of and all the demons are gone and everything, either ivan or gil rushing over to hug kyle because like that was the most terrifying thing. yeah sure, monsters trying to kill kyle, whatever, he’s survived a lot of surprising attacks on him through sheer will and luck, but trying to survive himself, it not being guaranteed he can be so lucky.

- djinn gil fucking hating the very idea of purgatory once he gets out. i like to picture him having a very rough period of transitioning back to the living world, but he does eventually make it. it's. there's still a /lot/ of trauma in his brain from his time there, but the day to day is getting a lot easier. that also being part of what does eventually help bond him to kyle and ludwig and ivan, that that's something he forgot how nice it was to have. friends, allies. as a djinn in his first life, he wasn't exactly a social creature, if i remember correctly the type he is tends to be territorial? maybe not, i don’t feel like opening the wiki to find out.  then in purgatory it was solo hell for a long time. learning to work with liz was good and helpful but some time after making it back to teh living world, them splitting or her dying. and then he was alone again, dealing with whatever left over damage there was from his previous life if any. a lot of his life is alone until kyle shows up on his metaphorical or maybe literal door step asking for help. and he thinks he's comfortable being alone and also hey you're asking about that place that fucking. hey not to interrupt but gil absolutely having nightmares from that place constantly. even after joining the team, there's probably more than a couple times where he wakes up in an instinctive move to strike out at someone and has to realize he's about to attack ludwig or kyle or ivan and they have to kind of soothe him and assure him like hey you're okay now you're alright you're not there anymore you're safe now. actually, ivan prolly having that as well. maybe less so because he spent less time there but like any time would be traumatic as shit. actually that being something they bond over! ivan waking up from a nightmare about the place to a gil who can't sleep tonight for the same reason, and them kind of talking about it. this nice quiet moment at like 2 in the morning while kyle's asleep of them not exactly getting along but having this thing they can both agree on and bond over and find some common ground between them.  but anyway. kyle shows up talking about this place that gives gil fucking nightmares and was the worst part of his fucking life and he wasn't even alive during it. and he is ready to fucking kick this kid out but kyle seems desperate and won't take no for an answer. he's spouting some weird story about an angel telling him how to find gil and that gil can help him get his friend back. and gil wants out but eventually finds himself in. and when they're travelling together, it's weird and awkward at first as they get used to each other. gil does a lot of things different from how ivan did them that kyle has to adjust to, and gil just has to adjust to kyle doing things different from not having to largely accommodate anyone in his life. but it gets easier after time progresses and they start to get along. and then he doesn't like the group growing either but it slowly getting easier and easier until he's kind of content with this company he's gotten for himself. 

- doug actually having like a more manipulative reason for helping doug out. not just answering kyle’s prayers because wow you’re sounding pathetic kid. there’s some fucking like later on plot shit involving either the angels as a whole or some angel thing doug’s mainly involved in that requires at least ivan being back and/or all of them being together for this event. doug answering kyle’s prayers to help him on this as a ‘hey you sound like you /really/ need help’ thing now but later on it being revealed ‘okay maybe i actually didn’t give a fuck about helping /you/ so what?’

- hey hey. um. i know we use the 'monster is a monster' hunter trope for a lot of 'simple bad guy' shit but can we say that's how liz left the picture. a part of me says like. liz just normal person who somehow got swept up in paranormal shit that sent her to purgatory, but also liz being a hunter and that's why she got swept up in it. liz and gil getting along begrudgingly because again, gil was killed by a hunter, he knows what they're about, but their time together in purgatory easing that up a bit. okay okay there is one (1) good hunter in the world. them staying close once they make it back, but when miam hunter (and prolly not the same as the one the group runs into later) finds out, them working to put a stop to the two. the miam hunter going after both of them and liz maybe dying or having something else happen to her that split them up. maybe if she doesn't die, she almost did and gil just decides that if being connected to him might put her in further danger from that asshole, then he'll break that connection. alternatively, liz being the one to break that connection for whatever reason, either her own safety or, more likely, maybe a threat against someone else she feels she needs to protect, likely other humans. (this can also be not liz if someone would fit better for that idk but i think i still like liz best for this) so that kind of souring his whole idea on hunters from then on. hunters kill monsters and that's fucked, they don't kill non-vegetarians for eating cows, it's fucked up. but like also? hunters will try to kill their own fucking kind for befriending monsters, and (depending on if this is the way the story rolls) hunters will turn on their monster friends because saving humans is more important. that being why gil is so distrusting of ivan even if kyle says and ivan shows that he's cool with monster friends. like yeah sure, you hunters fucking say that shit, but that means nothing. hell, why gil is so furious at kyle because it feels like another betrayal, not only do hunters corrupt their own kind, they corrupt other monsters when left with them long enough. only puts up with it because. well he /is/ comfortable with the company and ivan /doesn't/ try to kill him once he knows gil's not going to try killing him either. and him being on guard and ready to leave and be on his own again at the drop of a hat, but that hat never drops. him learning to trust ivan more when it is clear like, because ivan is ivan, yeah, he will absolutely put his friends over pretty much everything else, even if his friends are monsters. 

-- OH OH HEY! the miam hunter basically like. like the ultimatum given to liz basically as like a win win for them, either gil gives his location up at liz's request upon finding out about the ultimatum and they can kill gil (maybe they don't let liz know that's the full plan, maybe fake some other reason but plan to kill him once he shows up), or it's proven that gil is a Bad Bad monster by not sacrificing himself so they think that will turn liz over to their thinking (it won't). i figure gil's probably pretty selfless in that regard and, maybe kinda like benny, like. it's rough living here, getting used to living at all again, people are giving him shit, fuck it. if it'll help liz and these other people/this other person she cares about out, sure, he'll give himself up even knowing it probably won't end well for him. but when everything goes down and liz realizes what the actual plan for this was and miam hunter goes to actually kill gil, liz trying to fight the guy off but being killed in the process. ugh no nevermind actually, i don't. i want a reason for gil to be on his own that's good for like character justification of why he's so >( no hunters about everything for so long but i also just hate killing liz or making her turn on him for it, that's so not good. maybe they actually do fight the miam hunter off, either killing them or the other hunter barely getting away with their life. but both of them kind of recognizing, whether that hunter's still alive or not, that won't be the last time someone throws a shit fit over this and goes after them about it. maybe kind of liz seeing it as a protect gilbert kind of thing that they not be in contact any more, but gil doesn't realize that and thinks it's just like a self protection thing or whatever, idk. basically whatever the exact reasoning, him having felt they could handle it together, but reluctantly agreeing to kind of protect her too, and them not being in contact again. i might like that. that's the least rough on liz ending i can think of. and i really don't wanna be rough on liz just for gil pain

- french mistake for reverse. gil faced with scene with liz. or maybe his actor is married to her and that's awkward for memories and also if ludwig comes over too like. well not thrilled about rom interest if not boyfriend seeing him having to pretend to be married to this woman he used to be very close to. also unrelated to the above but maybe ivan having to watch a scene filmed related to how his parents died from his actions. oh but also ivan seeing a scene filmed and kyle having to act through it of when ivan was missing in purgatory and kyle was all alone and not handling it well. alternatively, ivan having to act through it and kyle seeing when ivan was missing in purgatory and going through that nightmare alone. ALTERNATIVELY, it's a parallel thing between ivan being in purgatory and flashbacks to when gil was in purgatory as backstory for his character so both of them having to act through these fucking very traumatic parts of their lives, cool cool

- when they do meet their own miam hunter, like. gilbert with absolutely no mercy. hey i know i say fuck hunters but seriously? seriously? fuck this hunter, i say we kill them. maybe even if teh group isn't specifically for that, him planning to do it anyway on his own. fuck you guys, someone like this doesn't get to keep living, bye. the others kind of just think it's his standard 'fuck hunters' mentality but extra because miam mentality is extra. one of them, likely ludwig, kind of learning a bit more on that at the end. a part of me wants to say ivan instead of ludwig because that explaining to ivan a bit the reasoning, but i also like that having to be something ivan finds out later like through the french mistake bit or just never learns about gil