#ships may sink and men may die but perry might just be without end

[chiropteracupola]

there was a creature.

[cookieswriting]

This is part one of two (possibly three) that incorporates a BadThingsHappenBingo prompt and a request by Shelly88.  There seems to be a divide regarding Stella...personally, I was hoping they’d work out, partly because I’ve been the new girlfriend struggling to fit into/adapt to military life.  So part of this is also my fix-it for Stella’s character in general...and is set before the boys return from Mexico, obviously.  Little bit more language in this one.

Fandom: SEAL Team

Characters: Clay Spenser, Stella Baxter, BRAVO Team, Naima Perry

Prompt: Hostage Video 

Can’t Be Happening

Every step that Clay Spenser took away from his car, towards the plane, sent a stab of grief through Stella’s heart.  Guilt tore at her stomach; here he was heading off to deployment, and she’d just ripped the rug out from beneath his feet.  Once he was out of sight the brunette took several steadying breaths, wiping the tears from her eyes, and moved around the car to the driver’s side door that he’d left open.  This was not how she’d wanted things to go…

The movement of her - Clay’s - passenger door opening and someone sliding into the car startled Stella from her thoughts, and she sighed heavily as Naima shut the door once again.  “What’s going on, Stella?”

“Nothing, I’m just upset that he’s deploying, always makes me emotional,” Stella lied, hands clenching around the steering wheel.  The older woman watched her silently for a long moment, and Stella forced herself not to squirm.

“I might not have known Clay for long, but I’ve never seen him look that dejected, and him heading to deployment like that worries me.  So I’m going to ask you again, what’s going on?”

Despite the gentle tone of her voice, Stella could feel the tension rolling off of Naima.  There was no getting out of this conversation. “I...I just...I don’t know how to do this anymore.  I don’t know how to handle the fear...first it was the cave-in, then the helicopter crash, then he was shot and had to watch Adam die in the same night.”  Fresh tears sprang to her eyes, and she shook her head.  “I can’t bear the thought of life without him...but I can’t handle the stress of waiting for a phone call any time that he leaves.  I was...I was trying to keep it together, push through it until he got home, but...Clay has always been able to read me like a freaking book, and you know how they are once they get something in their heads.  He just wouldn’t let it go.  The last thing I wanted was for him to ship out with this weighing on him.”

Naima ran a hand over her face, watching the plane prepare for takeoff.  “I can’t sugarcoat how bad this is, Stella...sending him out with a destroyed sense of hope means he might function with less self-preservation and might end up taking more risks.”  The statement made Stella nauseous, and she couldn’t hold back a sob.  Naima settled a hand on her shoulder.  “I know that the guys have unbelievably dangerous jobs, but Stella, no one knows when their time will come.  Clay could come home and be killed by any number of things here at home...Alana’s death is proof enough that life is too short to waste what little time we have with the ones we love.  You say that you can’t bear the thought of life without him...but are you truly willing to choose life definitely spent without him because of the possibility of something happening to him?”  The older woman was silent for a moment, gaze steady and intense as she let her words sink in.  “You are strong, independent...I never expected that you would allow fear to stand in your way.  And I have to apologize; I feel like things may have been different if we’d been more accepting.”

Stella furrowed her brow in confusion.  “W-what?”

“Bravo Team is the best because of their bond.  When a new member is brought in, particularly a rookie from Green Team like Clay, it takes time for the family to fully accept them...until we know that they are not going anywhere.  Spouses are challenging all on our own...we are the ones that keep each other together while our men are gone.  We are the ones that coordinate babysitting, appointments, things like that when the husbands are gone...and whatever they need when they come home.  It was especially tough for you because of how fresh your relationship was with Clay.”  She paused, dropped her gaze to her hands with a wry smile that had fresh tears falling down Stella’s cheeks.  “Still...I can tell you that boy would marry you in a heartbeat if you let him.”

The younger woman gave a tearful laugh.  “Yeah...yeah he would.  After his first close call, when the floor caved in under his feet, he proposed to me in the hospital room.  He meant it...he was so sure...and that terrified me.  After Alana’s wake, I saw the look in his eyes, that he was getting in deeper, and felt like maybe it was okay with me.  I felt like I was able to fit into the family that day…”

“And then he almost died,” Naima murmured.  Stella nodded, covering her eyes with a shaking hand as the sobs threatened to take over again.  “I can’t make the decision for you, Stella, and I don’t begrudge you your fears about this life.  Just know that if you change your mind, if you decide to stay, I will make sure that we are more intentional to bring you into our family, to prove to you that you’re not alone in this.  Ever.  All you need to do is call me, okay? Take care, Stella.”

Just like that, Stella was left alone in Clay’s car again.  Sobs finally started to wrack her body, and she laid her forehead on the steering wheel as all of her emotions crashed over her.  

A week of wrestling over her choice and a failed call to Clay found Stella at the bar where she first met him, nostalgic and antsy to talk to him.  “Here, Stel, drink.”  Amelia pressed a shot glass into her hand, and Stella obeyed immediately, a smile tugging at her lips.  “No thinking about...anything other than alcohol tonight.  That was the deal, right?”

Finally looking up at her best friend, she nodded.  “Yes ma’am.”

“Oh, shit...Buck, turn that up will ya?” The holler from further down the bar startled both women, and Stella looked up to the television to see two large Hispanic men holding the arms of a hooded captive.  As soon as she registered what was playing she turned away, horrified by the fact that a POW hostage video was being broadcast for the world to see...and terrified that she might know the victim.  “Fuckin’ bastards,” the man growled.  Stella heard the Spanish coming from the speakers and numbly found herself imagining that it was just a random video and Clay was beside her, translating for her with that cocky grin that said yeah, I know you think it’s hot that I speak six languages, so of course I’m going to use that to my advantage whenever I can.

When that all-too-familiar voice joined the Spanish-speaking one, this time as a grunt of pain, Stella’s world threatened to come down around her.  Amelia gasped and grabbed her arm. “S-Stella…”

No.  Nope, nuh uh...that’s not Clay.  Despite her mind outright refusing to believe that it was true, it was in fact his piercing blue eyes staring defiantly at the camera, hair a mess from the hood they’d just dragged from his head and chest heaving as he steadied himself on his knees.  Blood caked the side of his face from an injury somewhere in his hairline. The scrolling subtitles might as well have been in Spanish too for all the sense they made to her...all Stella could see was Clay’s eyes, clear and proud despite the beating they’d clearly given him.  The first time they punched him on screen, hard across the jaw, tears blurred her vision.  Amelia grabbed her shoulders and turned her away from the screen.  Men all around the bar began muttering curses, many recognizing the SEAL as well.

“C’mon, let’s go outside, you can’t watch this,” Amelia murmured, her own voice thick with tears.  Stella shook her head, torn between feeling like running away would be abandoning him in what could be his last moments and not wanting his murder to be burned into her memory forever.

“I can’t...God, this can’t be happening…”  The alcohol and bar food turned in her stomach when he grunted again, and Stella ran for the bathroom, making it just in time before she was violently sick.  Amelia’s soothing voice drifted past the ringing in her ears, and suddenly she couldn’t catch her breath.  

“Come on, Stell...up, you need to get some fresh air to calm you down. Clay’s strong, he’s stubborn, no way is he going out like this.”  Her friend continued to ramble in her ear as she wiped her face with a wet paper towel and then they made a beeline for the door, avoiding listening to or looking at the screen.  The night air was crisp and helped ease the hyperventilating, but she leaned back against the brick wall for support nonetheless.  

Tinny music from her purse startled both girls, and Stella pulled out her cell phone.  Without hesitating she answered it, grief hitting her full-force.  “Naima…” The name came out as a sob, and Stella couldn’t bring herself to be embarrassed.

“Where are you? I’m coming to get you.  Trish is coming to get the kids and I’m not letting you be alone until we know he’s okay.  Is there anyone with you right now?”

Questions to answer were good...helped ground her...and ‘until we know he’s okay’ means he wasn’t killed...right? “I’m...I’m at the bar near base with my best friend.  God, Naima...I just tried to call him this afternoon, and he wasn’t available.  What if this is my fault? What if he doesn’t know…”

“Stella, you can’t focus on the what-if’s, do you hear me? This is on those assholes that took him...soon to be dead assholes if the rest of Bravo has anything to say about it.  I’m about fifteen minutes out, I’ll be there as soon as I can, just sit tight, okay? Don’t let them keep replaying that damned video...the news has it on loop. If Buck hasn’t already changed it, have your friend make them, okay?  You don’t need to keep watching Clay suffer and neither do they.  I’ll be there soon.”

Stella stared at the phone for a long moment, numb shock taking over until Amelia took it from slack fingers.  “Do you want to go back inside or wait out here? I’m going to go get our jackets and settle the tab.”

“I can’t go back in there,” she whimpered.  Amelia nodded and drew her in for a tight hug, starting fresh tears all over again.  When her friend pulled back, Stella eased herself to the ground with her back to the wall and waited for her to return.  While she was alone, flashes of her life with Clay played across her mind, and the roiling fear that she’d never get to fix things with him began to turn her stomach once more, until a hand settled onto her shoulder gently.

“I’m back.  Buck didn’t charge us anything, wanted me to tell you they’re all sorry that you had to see that...and that he’s still alive. They’re holding him for ransom.  The guys all seemed confident that his team would get him out of there.”  Amelia’s warmth settled down alongside her, shoulders pressing together.  “Talk to me, Stell, what can I do?”

The question forced a near-hysterical laugh from her chest.  “I can’t even begin to tell you...uh,” she sniffed, wiping tears from her cheeks.  “C-can you call Gordon in the morning and tell him I need some time?  I’ll talk to him when I can get my head around this just…”

“Done.  Naima’s picking you up, right?”

Stella gave a ghost of a smile.  “Yeah...she’s not going to let me out of her sight until Clay comes home, I’m sure.” The smile trembled; whether in a box or on a stretcher, she thought to herself.  In that moment, though, she knew.  Without a doubt, she knew that she couldn’t bear the thought of not knowing what was happening to him unless it showed up on television, couldn’t imagine not helping get him back on his feet if he did make it home...and if he did, couldn’t image not making the most of every single second she was given with him.  She looked up at Amelia and was grateful that her best friend understood that there was part of her life that was just different, and didn’t begrudge her for it.  Without any more words, she leaned her head on Amelia’s shoulder and waited.

When Naima arrived, the older woman jumped out of the car and pulled her into a tight hug before hugging Amelia as well and asking if she was okay.  Once her friend was sure Stella was in good hands, she said her goodbyes and promised to get her car home safely.  Naima gently guided Stella to the passenger side, waiting until she was seated and buckled before closing the door and climbing into the driver’s side herself. “I’m not going to ask you if you’re okay, because I know you’re not right now.  I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can tell you that as soon as your boy gets home, you need to tell him how you feel right now.  I can see in your eyes that you’ve made your decision...and I promise you will be able to tell him, because he will come home...because that’s what our boys do.”