#shes so god damn immature i hate having to treat her like a child like this taking shit away

[lesbianuhaulindustrialcomplex]

my roommate left her gross used fake eyelashes on the KITCHEN table after my gf and i have outlined a billion times what's okay to leave on the table bc its a place where FOOD goes (she leaves fake eyelashes and nails, bras, other nasty shit that has no business being left on the kitchen table there constantly) and so i threw them the fuck away and now shes panicking about them being lost and that she needs them to wear to work and she went to me like "have you seen them?!?!?! i left them on the table!!" and i was like "no but i did tell you not to leave stuff like that on the kitchen table it probably fell off and got swept up when i swept earlier. maybe keep them in your bathroom next time??" and she got SO FRUSTRATED it was very fun

[popstart]

Hi, i was the anon who sent this ask, and now that you are talking about this issue, i will talk about one of the accounts you talked about.

"Oh yeah, let's ignore ALL the good things Duncan Said about Courtney and ALL the times Courtney defended him in the season, and Just sum up their ENTIRE relationship on one of their worst episodes"

Now, don't get me wrong, i hated Duncney in "Top Dog", but summing up them in Just it is so weird.

Also, the "Duncan was scared of Courtney 🥺" pisses me off so much, like can his fans STOP babying a whole criminal?

Oh my fucking God, this is a low blow.

Again, summing Duncan and Courtney's relationship in Just "Top Dog" is weird, but doing this just to make Gwen and Duncan's relationship less worse is disturbing.

Ok, let's see Duncan's ENTIRE confessional.

"Aw, man! I only came back for Gwen! She better not sulk the whole time, or i might as Well date Courtney-"

Wow, dehumanising Duncney and Gwourtney shippers by calling them maniacs. Incredible. Also, i've seen her (the user goes by any pronouns) Interacting with the shippers, and they were Nice?! This Just makes her look like an annoying and immature child.

Again, dehumanising Duncney and Gwourtney shippers by calling them terrifying. Incredible.

Ok, she reblogged this shit. Oh my god, the way i'm gonna scream now.

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS PART OF THE CHALLENGE! THIS ISN'T COMPARABLE AT ALL! ALSO, DIDN'T YOU WATCH THE EPISODE? OR YOU JUST SAW THIS CLIP OUT OF CONTEXT AND WENT LIKE "Oh, yeah, this one is gonna work to make Cuntney like a Cheater hehehe"? BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE IT!

The way Courtney antis try the most possible to make Courtney look like the Devil incarnate is uncomfortable as fuck.

Also, I'm really Glad this post's OP is now deactivated. I was already not standing this user in the Duncney tag talking shit anymore.

This is an excerpt of her fanfic (The Wattpad account is on the bio)

The fanfic is about a Duncan in xem (the pronouns in the fanfic) 30s now who, along other old contestants (Courtney and Gwen are two of them) and new ones, is kidnapped to a new reality show hosted by Chris. During this reality show, xe finds a magic necklace, which is obviously important.

I'm going to admit, i actually liked the fanfic and (*GASP*) Gwen and Duncan's relationship in It, but i would've liked It more If, every time Courtney appeared, she wouldn't be treated like a "monster who traumatized Duncan forever and should die painfully 🥺".

Anyway, talking about the necklace, It is obviously searched, so one of these people invades the show with a gun and threatens Duncan and the people with xem, but Duncan DIDN'T give them It, so they actually tried to shoot xem, making a whole mess.

Now, that's my problem with this excerpt: Courtney is, again, treated like an annoying bitch, even though she has ALL the right to Get angry over Duncan.

Like, what do you Mean that you will not give a necklace to a person who threats you with a gun BECAUSE of it, which is worse when you are along people, including MINORS, who didn't have to do with it, threatning their lives too?!

Seriously, the way some of Courtney's haters Go as Far as they can to disregard her feelings is so disturbing i can't-

(Sorry about the bad English, It isn't my First language)

YEAH i saw all of this on their account and i just sighed. that one post they reblogged about how "unfaithful" courtney is especially pisses me off because they showed way more evidence for duncan being the unfaithful one then ended up spinning it into a duncan baby boy gwu'ncan win moment. what! that entire post was about how all three people in that situation werent good yet the conclusion they (and the op) came to is that gwun'can good courtney bad duncney bad 🥴the reach of all reaches

its honestly just double standard after double standard and it pisses me off so much. they just jump through hoops to defend their hatred of courtney and any ship with her that they end up missing a key point of their own damn posts LMFAO. its just sooo uncomfortable how much theyre willing to defend a white boy and a white girl that they provided textbook evidence themself about them not being saints yet praise them for being good people yet completely demonize the hell out of courtney and for what 💀

also the cherry picking is EXTREMELY prominent here. the "how duncan looks at courtney vs how he looks at gwen" thing is extra amusing to me because literally 3 seconds later duncan talks about how much he loves courtney DJSHGSFKJA. extremely amusing. anyways, anyone that knows their shit will see through the complete bullshit these kindsa people post but the thing that scares me is that theyre not just posting into the void, they have plenty of notes on their pretty blatant creepyness and it just. auhgghhh.

it really gets to me and the thing is, they dont care a damn bit. they see anyone who likes courtney as completely demonic so they WANT to piss people like me off but they end up going about it in completely misogynistic and racist ways. at the end of the day, i dont think i can change anyones opinions about what they should or shouldnt like, i just hope people can look inwards about why something like a fictional character being a "bad person" can anger them so much more if the person in question is a 16 year old brown girl rather than a white boy of the same age.

[labyrinthhofmymind]

just thinking about canon lily evans and all the shit she had to deal with from the men in her life…

LET’S GET INTO IT

FIRST, her bestfriend of many years was constantly harassing her other friends and anyone else that was like her, using slurs and just in general being a prejudiced bastard who thought lily was the exception. lily gave him SO many chances, and he kept messing up. she would’ve been so embarrassed and pissed off, just begging and pleading that’ll he’ll come around, but he never did.

SECOND, she’s placed in the house with some of the most narcissistic and idiotic men ever. james is constantly pestering her and asking her out, making her seem stupid and ashamed in front of the entire school. he picks fights with her ex bestfriend too which doesn’t help the situation, and uses snape’s horrible behaviour as an excuse to be a bully. sirius ALSO torments snape and makes fun of lily, always egging james on and helping him with pranks and hexes.

THIRD, once she FINALLY gets on good terms with all of the marauders, they are forced to enter a war as children, and soon enough remus and sirius are at each other’s throats thinking that the other is the traitor. THEN james jumps on the band wagon, and poor lily has to try and keep them all at bay and also swat them over the head for daring to think their FRIENDS would betray each other.

FOURTH, turns out a friend DID betray her, and she has to face the consequences for making peter pettigrew her secret keeper. this ultimately results in both her and james dying, sirius being sent to azkaban, and harry being forced to live with petunia.

FIFTH, lily has a husband who LEAVES HIS WAND ON THE COUCH, EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE HIDING OUT AND SHOULD BE ON ALERT AT ALL TIMES. WHO ANSWERS THE DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR WITHOUT THEIR WAND MHM JAMES?????

SIXTH, just in general lily has to deal with dumbledore and his willingness to throw children into battle, as well as his manipulation and blackmail, and his belief of sacrifices for the greater good.

WHAT DO ALL OF THESE PROBLEMS HAVE IN COMMON???? THEY WERE MEN!!!!!!

this isn’t to mention lily having to deal with a shitty sister who doesn’t love her the way she is, being a muggleborn and a women in the 70s at hogwarts, being forced to grow up way too fast, and finally having the opportunity to be a mother and wife, only to have both of those things taken away from her. THE PROPHECY. THE GOD DAMN PROPHECY.

in conclusion, i wouldn’t have blamed lily in the slightest if she was to become a villian, that poor girl had to deal with so much and the fact people still hate on her ASTOUNDS me. she had to deal with the marauders at all stages in their life (including their annoying, childish, and immature era), she had to deal with snape, she had to deal with slytherins constantly hexing her and calling her slurs, AND she had to deal with dumbledore. all the while she still manages to be at the top of all of her classes, maintain friendships, get into slughorns good graces, keep in touch with her family, fight in a war, get married, HAVE A BLOODY CHILD, and look good doing it??????

lily evans pls take me i will love and treat you sooo much better than any man

[fxckmierda]

Entry 004

Dated: 23/01/2024

Hey, it's me again. New year, new me.. I guess.

I think it's safe to say i'm depressed, i hate everything in my life, they said "Then change it." if only it was that easy. I felt very tied down in my house, although my family will very much disagree. The whole energy made me so exhausted, so, so, so exhausted. My mom has always made me her therapist, and it has been very overwhelming for me throughout these years. I know my mom cares about me but it's hard for me to think of myself. I know my mom has no one else but her kids to lean on, and I empathize with that but how about me? I wish I could get out from my house. I want to live on my life, I want to heal on my own, I want a carefree life, I want a mundane life, I want those stressed thoughts that only contains: "I forget to get grapes" or a "the bills are kinda high this month." I do not want to think about being around my.. family especially that problematic couple. I want that peace and quiet life. Even if it cause me to die alone in that lonely life, so be it. I'm okay with that. I just want to be left alone, and I'm not even asking for a million dollars or a jet plane.

I can't stand my brother and his wife. My brother's action is very questionable, i can't help but to wander his needs to help my dad is to really help him or gain my dad's trust more? Knowing him, it's not the latter. His wife is no better, she literally do not care about respecting her elders just because her husband helps them financially. What an utter bitch. Who would have thought someone I used to care could turned out to be the most vile creature in the world? I had never met someone like this. The last time I felt this way when i was in Secondary School. Sad that someone i used to see as a "sister" could turn out to be the most horrible person I ever met. I just hope she knows her damn place, and her lane so I would leave her the fuck alone cause all this bitch does is made my skin crawl out, and the most unthinkable thoughts.

I pray hard she and her husband wouldn't traumatize their poor son cause of their toxicity.

I have been thinking of my sister too. I get how she is exhausted to listen, and she got her own life but it's sad that she do not listen to my rants. It's sad when I have been telling her I have no one to lean on when it comes to this, and isn't it normal if I lean her a bit for this? Am i annoying? or just hard to understand. After what she treated me, this is the least she could do. All the time, she mentally abused me, throwing me that hot coffee, calling me names, going crazy on me when i took my stuff away from her. I was her punching bag all these fucking 28 years and yet my parents told me to understand her, and be patient cause that's fucking crazy cause what have I been doing throughout these years? Wasn't I patient? Wasn't I understanding? Her bad tantrums, her bad attitude, her constant bitching, her using me as a punching bag.. Was I patient? Was I understanding?

It sucks being the middle child, I literally feel like I'm a disposed child, my existence means nothing to them, and I never even asked to be here, I didn't. I hate living, I don't want to do this. I'm so tired, I'm very very tired. I can't do this anymore, I could feel extremely tired, I could feel myself crashing.

And Moon, god, Moon.

I feel sorry for him. He has been through a lot, and he really thought he got someone who gets him but this someone come from a lot of baggage, even with warning, he still wanted me by his side. Wonder if I was the childish one, the immature one. I wonder if Love was for me, I accepted that Love wasn't for me, and I'm okay with it. Cause of this, I do not feel attached to someone romantically. I do not feel that way with someone, I could only feel myself lying to the person I "love", and telling them I cherish them but all I think was lie to myself when I clearly do not care. Even if they leave, then alright, do not leave me stop you, and I wouldn't stop you either. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to show you that I "love" you, I'm very sure you will meet someone better than me. All I can think of Mire telling me, "you're the easiest to love, but you're a complicated one." Moon, if you ever see this, I'm sorry that you seen a horrible side of me, this is my ugly side, and something I am ashamed of people seeing.

But jokes on me, I'm alone so who's judging?

[guqin-and-flute]

Are You Here to Stop Me?--Chapter 4

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [First post in Peony to Lotus Verse]

[Ao3 Series]

[I had the hardest time shaking this man and making plot fall out, he was wholly uncooperative.]

This was all such fucking disaster.

A-jie was sick, the Jiang were once again yanked into a political fiasco that they had to pay for with their own reputation, there was a fierce corpse puppet in his home--a home that, apparently, had already been invaded by the Jin Clan demanding answers to said political fiasco while its master wasn’t even there. In a few days time, it would be invaded again by strange Wens he didn’t know or want.

If his mother were alive, she would kill him. He would probably deserve it. He didn’t know what his father would think. He would probably be disappointed--either that he didn’t think of it in the first place or for his resentment.

He stood frozen by the door, anxiously watching Wen Qing treat a barely conscious A-jie. It wasn't like he had never seen his sister feverish and weak before, but it scared him the same every single time. To know that she was in pain and he couldn’t do anything about it. To know that this could be the illness that would take her from him. That this could be the last time that….He gnawed on the inside of his cheek and folded his arms tight across his chest to keep them from fidgeting at his sides.

Jin Guangyao seemed to think everything was under control--at least, that’s what he had said. It would have been far more comforting if it hadn’t been in such a distant voice while being unable to look away from A-jie. Clutching her hand in a white knuckled grip. Expression all strained and pale with badly concealed terror.

This is your plan! Jiang Cheng wanted to scream as he clenched his aching fists. I did this because you said it would work! You’re the one that’s supposed to know what you’re doing!

What he wouldn’t give to actually know what the hell he was doing. Being an adult couldn’t just be this, right? Just guessing and grasping around in the dark, tripping like you’re wearing your father’s too big robes? Every other person he met seemed to be controlled and mature, while he was barely treading water--hell, even Wei Wuxian did the things he did with confidence. It had to get better at some point, because, right now, this mess was embarrassing--enraging. But most of all, it was terrifying.

What the hell should he do? What was right?

A-jie kept breathlessly trying to tell them all that she was alright, that they should rest and continue preparing. But she could barely keep her eyes open. Her head lolled around like a floppy doll. Every once in a while, she was wracked with violent, hacking coughs that shook her and left her gasping.

When she whispered Jiang Cheng’s name and raised a trembling hand as Wen Qing stepped away to prepare something, he practically dove to her side, his knees slamming painfully into the floor in his haste. Clasping her hand in both of his, he found it freezing, so he chafed it gently between his palms. “A-jie?”

“You...must be...so tired.” She smiled weakly, eyes slurring to the Wen child who had fallen asleep on the other pillow, leaving grubby little smudges all over the bedding. “All of you. I’m fine. Go. Sleep.” Even this short speech left her breathless, then coughing, wet and harsh. She trembled as Jin Guangyao helped her sit up and held her close, stroking her back.

Jiang Cheng hated everything about this. He was going to kill Wei Wuxian.

She wasn’t wrong, though. His limbs felt like practice weights, his overworked core throbbed like a pulled muscle within him. (His core? Wei Wuxian’s core? The core? This reminder burrowed in him like a barbed arrow every time he remembered again, further and further since the night he had learned it. Regret and anger and nausea, swimming and hot, every day, every fucking day. A stranger inside himself, but not. Another thing he was helpless to.)

When A-Jie finally dropped into unconsciousness not long after, Wen Qing announced that under no circumstances should she be allowed to exert herself for the next few days, until she could sit up on her own and breathe without wheezing. “The fluid in her lungs has worsened,” she told the two of them, voice still hoarse. “But since I have access to the supplies here, her fever should hopefully break sometime tonight. She shouldn’t be in any immediate danger but she will have to take her medicine on a strict schedule.”

“She will,” Jin Guangyao agreed immediately, thumb smoothing repeatedly over the back of A-jie’s limp hand. “Just tell me when and I’ll do it.”

When Jiang Cheng finally stood to leave, just about every muscle from the base of his skull to the tendons at his heels screamed and gods, he wanted a bath and sleep and for this to not be happening. Wen Qing collected the still sleeping boy, and Jin Guangyao rose, seeing them all out into the hall before bowing, sharp and deep. “Thank you, Wen-guniang.”

Damn. Jiang Cheng hastily followed suit and bowed. You tactless asshole. She watched them both with weary eyes, expression as closed as it had been for days, but she inclined her head to accept. “Come get me immediately if anything changes.”

Straightening, Jin Guangyao nodded, his habitual smile nowhere to be seen, drained and serious. “I will. I’m going to stay up to watch her.”

Her eyes narrowed warily. But she only nodded.

The entire trip leading her through Lotus Pier to her prepared room was silent.

Jiang Cheng knew he should say something. He wanted to say something--to thank her more personally for A-jie’s care or tell her that she would be safe here, that when he made a promise, he kept it (unlike some people.) Maybe reassure her that this wasn’t a ploy by him to corner her, that this was honestly a waking nightmare he kept wishing he would wake up from.

That this wasn’t how he had imagined marrying her. As a last resort. As a trap.

Instead, he was silent. Nothing he had to say would come out right and he would either sound like an ass or an idiot. Or both.

She was just as quiet, anyway, drifting behind him like some sort of mourning wraith, carrying the limp child. The only sounds were their footsteps, distant murmurs, and the frogs droning from their intermittent little ponds and from the lake beyond. Chill from the young evening settled into their still damp, days old clothes. The clean, living scent of the water was comforting, so at least there was that.

He wondered if it just smelled like mud to her.

When they came to the room, he saw that the lanterns and the incense burner were already lit, and a while ago, judging by how thickly the scent of jasmine and musk lay over everything. It was one of the nicest guest suites, with a wide bed, wispy purple wall hangings, and intricate lotus blossoms crawling up in carvings on the screens. It occurred to him suddenly that it might seem horribly insensitive to remind her exactly where she was and why. Tacky. He ground his teeth.

Wen Qing staggered right by him into the room without a glance, practically collapsing across the bed to lay the boy down. Angry? Disgusted? Done with him, whichever it was. But Jiang Cheng stayed by the door, fingers worrying at the thick fabric of his robe, running the edge of his nail along the weave as she tucked the blanket up to the boy’s chin. The need to say something--anything--was becoming too much to bear. “I’m sorry it isn’t very big.”

Her voice was dull and she didn’t even turn around. “It’s fine, Jiang-zongzhu.”

Fuck.

“You don’t have to...you can call me Jiang Wanyin,” he said, because he was apparently very stupid. The slow, disbelieving look she gave him over her shoulder was well deserved. “You don’t have to,” he added, because he apparently was not done being stupid. I mean, you’ve literally cut me open before, so I figured….

“...Alright.”

Jiang Cheng wanted to melt into the floor. Or possibly die. His mouth worked around his grimace of self disgust and he managed, “I’ll have the servants send in a bath.”

She sagged back on her heels beside the bed, still looking over at him. “Where is A-Ning?”

Oh. Right. “Probably….” Actually, he had no idea where Wei Wuxian had taken him. His room? The idea of that puppet leaking black resentful energy and lying on his childhood bed seemed ridiculous. “With Wei Wuxian,” he finished, lamely. “I’ll find out.”

Her gaze transferred to the floor, eyes unseeing and darkened by smudges of dirt and exhaustion. She was still quite pretty, but it was a gaunt, unkempt sort of beauty. The silence stretched, uncomfortable. He should have let a servant show her to the room. She was waiting for him to leave, she didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

“Thank you,” she said, suddenly, just as he turned around to simply leave, saving them both the agony. “For doing this.”

His jaw tightened and he kept his eyes locked on the light wood of the column right outside her door. Instead of anything helpful or comforting, what came out was a low, unplanned, “Why didn’t you come to me.” She had the comb. She had to. It had been gone when he came back to check and he had thought...hoped….

Skin on fabric. She was probably looking at him, and so kept his shoulders rigid, back straight.

“I didn’t know if you would help.” Her voice was quiet, not angry or accusatory. But his fists clenched as heat flooded his face, his head throbbing. ‘You're untrustworthy and selfish and immature. Why the hell would I trust you?’

He was fucking this up. Again. Useless.

Jiang Cheng refused to dig himself a deeper hole. About 10 minutes too late. Without a word, he stopped darkening her door. Instead of going to his room and ordering a bath like he should have, he looked for Wei Wuxian, blood pulsing in his ears. Stalking through the halls, he scattered several anxious servants in his wake like ripples behind him.

When he found him, he actually was in his room, though the puppet was on an extra mattress on the floor instead of on the bed like Jiang Cheng had imagined. The room reeked of resentful energy--sour, burning, metallic. Old bile and blood and worse. Wei Wuxian himself was hunched over it with a brush and seemed to be adding to the fluttering layer of talismans that already festooned the prone form. It even took a minute for him to realize Jiang Cheng was in the doorway, but when he did, he leapt to his feet, haggard face anxious. “Shijie?”

“...Sleeping.”

“What did Wen Qing say? Will she be alright?”

“No thanks to you.”

Wei Wuxian’s shoulders sagged and he blew out a breath. Then, he perked up, coming over to gently shake Jiang Cheng by the shoulders with a reproachful smile. “Ah, Jiang Cheng, lead with that next time, will you? You appear at my door looking like you’re about to avenge someone, what am I supposed to think?”

Smacking Wei Wuxian’s hands off his shoulders didn’t do anything to change his attitude. He just grimaced playfully and said, “Ow, careful! Now be nice, we’ll all be in trouble if you damage these hands,” while wiggling his fingers. It made the sharp rage in Jiang Cheng’s chest flare. It made him want to punch his stupid face.

“This is your fault.”

At this point, it was like they pulled out a script book for some overdone play, a rulebook outlining the steps to their fight. The brush off. Wei Wuxian looked past him, craning his head to peer out the door. “Where’s Wen Qing and A-Yuan? I wanted to tell her how Wen Ning is doing.”

The jab. “Are you even listening to me?”

Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes at him, shrugging his shoulders as if letting the words just slide off of him with a stretch of his arms. The dismissal. “Ah, you’re always scolding me, so what’s the point in listening to you when you’re just saying the same things you have been for days? I’ll pay attention when you say something new. You’re so predictable.”

The snap; Jiang Cheng snarled, “How’s this, then? It’s your fault that A-jie is so sick.” He jabbed Wei Wuxian in the chest with his finger, knocking him back a step, pursuing. “It’s your fault if the Jin decide to wipe us all out again.” Another jab, another step. The insouciant air slid from Wei Wuxian’s face--instead, it was tight, the beginning of regret.

“Listen--”

“This is your fault and you’re not even sorry.”

A deep breath. “Jiang Cheng--”

He needed him mad. He needed him to stop moving away. “You weren’t thinking of anyone but yourself, like you always do. You’re making me take in and marry the people who killed my parents to protect you.” He could see Wei Wuxian bristle--because he knew it wasn’t quite true, it wasn’t really fair but Jiang Cheng didn’t care.

“What are you even saying? They’ve both saved us a hundred times over! These people are innocent, they were being brutalized, I had no choice--!”

“You always have a choice!” Jiang Cheng was shouting, now. “You just choose the one that causes the biggest scene! First you embarrass me in front of all the other Clan Leaders, then you kill Jin disciples and steal their prisoners--!”

“What right did they have to treat them that way? What crime did they commit?! I’m supposed to just leave them?!”

His outrage just fed the fury burning through Jiang Cheng, roaring in his ears, and he wanted to take his brother by the throat and shake him. He wanted him to be just as hurt and terrified as he was. He wanted him to stop acting so fucking noble, like it meant anything anymore after everything they had been through. His lungs burned from the resentful energy hanging in the air. Zidian sparked once, sizzling. “You always need to be the center of attention. Well congratulations, everyone’s looking at us, now! Aren’t you such a fucking hero? Isn’t it nice to have a shield that will rise up against every stupid thing you decide to do? When will it be enough?”

Wei Wuxian’s swallowed hard, jaw tight, eyes shining. “Do you think I wanted this?” He asked quietly, and Jiang Cheng had to bark a laugh that tasted bitter.

“No. I don’t think you thought at all. You just did whatever you wanted and expected the Jiang Clan to clean up after you.”

At this, Wei Wuxian looked away at the wall, shoulders bunched up, hands in fists at his side. “I wasn't...” he said tightly. “I was going to go. To take them--”

“Where?”

“I don’t know!” He snapped. “Somewhere I could keep them safe! I thought...maybe the Burial Mounds.”

A chill flooded through Jiang Cheng and he stared. “Are you insane? That hellhole?”

Wei Wuxian was still looking at the wall, though he swallowed again. “I could...control the resentful energy. Make it safe.” He clenched his jaw. “It doesn’t matter.”

The thought alone had him reeling. Wei Wuxian really had been going to do it. He really would have left, after everything. After promising to rebuild Lotus Pier with him, to support him. After Jiang Cheng had fought so hard to find him the 3 months when he had been missing. After Jiang Cheng had stood by him when the war ended and everyone had started whispering about sinister ulterior motives--did Wei Wuxian have no concept of how this looked? “And do what? Establish your own Sect? Build your own empire? Should I call you Wei-zongzhu from now on?”

Wei Wuxian recoiled, face screwed up in disbelief as he finally faced him again. “No! What? No! Jiang Cheng, don’t be an idiot. I was going...I was going to take care of it myself. I wasn’t going to ask or involve you. I didn’t--I was going to handle it.”

That rage condensed and dropped sourly into his gut like sick. That was worse. That was so much worse. ‘I didn’t know if you would help.’ He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted that cleansing fury back. “Nice fucking job.”

Wei Wuxian vented a short, mirthless chuckle, shaking his head. “Shut up.”

“You don’t get to tell me to shut up.”

“I just d--” Wei Wuxian stopped himself, jaw working. When he spoke again, it was with careful containment. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“What a stupid thing to say, of course I did,” Jiang Cheng snapped back. “What other choice did I have?”

“You could have just let me go. I would have been fine. You didn’t need to…you don’t need to put yourself out on my account.”

He would have preferred he had just fucking stabbed him. Honestly. Then who the fuck was he? Some acquaintance? Some stranger? To not ‘put himself out’--

He was really that easy to leave behind? Just that unremarkable, unneeded, unwanted? That every option, even the Burial Mounds where he had been trapped was preferable to staying with him in the home he had rebuilt with blood and sweat, plank by plank for them--for them, the only family he had left in this world.

What was so broken about Jiang Cheng that no one could possibly just love him as he was? What did he have to do to stop people from leaving him?

He wanted to stab Sandu through the corpse that used to be Wen Ning’s chest, tear off the talismans and throw him in the lake for the fish to take out of sight. To seize Wei Wuxian and scream; Stop letting go of me!

“Well, aren’t you so brave. Aren’t you so noble,” gritted out, all dark and vile, and Wei Wuxian flinched and Jiang Cheng would have felt triumphant if he didn’t feel so fucking awful instead.

“I had to.”

“You had to.”

Wei Wuxian said nothing. But he didn’t look ashamed. He just looked tired.

“Right. Because you’re so strong and powerful and right, always, and I’m the asshole who doesn’t care enough.”

“You know I never said that.”

“But that’s what you think. You still think that I didn’t do enough. That I didn’t do the right thing.”

Instead of fighting back--instead of denying it--Wei Wuxian let out a loud breath, shook his head and turned away to drop himself heavily beside the mattress on the floor. This retreat left Jiang Cheng completely empty. His nails cut into his palm and he was shaking all over, staring down at Wei Wuxian as he picked up another talisman, not looking at him. They had had this conversation already, in fits and starts on the race back to Lotus Pier, but hadn’t been able to fully say any of this around A-jie or the Wen’s and so had just jabbed at each other for days. But here, it was all unraveling at once like too tight bandages coming off. He craved a conclusion--the give and take of a shouting match or the clarity of a split lip and Wei Wuxian wasn’t giving it to him.

Couldn't. If it came to blows, Jiang Cheng would just hurt him.

And why was that, again?

His brother's face was gaunt as he ignored him, eyes shadowed, fingers raw and red with blood and cinnabar. Still working. Giving. He was always giving of himself to everyone. His protection, his trust, his love, his time.

His core.

Just more proof that he was better; kinder, more generous, better in every way. Well. Not every way, now. The overworked core gave an untimely twinge. But that even bore his fingerprints, didn’t it? His sacrifice. (He had tried so hard, so fucking hard to give Wei Wuxian something that only he could give, the only protection, the only apology Jiang Cheng had left for what he had blamed him for. And he had shoved it right back like an unwanted gift.)

Jiang Cheng wasn't special, though. That knowledge bristled in his throat like knives, now. What he had done for Jiang Cheng wasn't because he loved him--apparently, it was because it was the right thing to do.

And Wei Wuxian always did the right thing. He would have done it for anyone.

Jiang Cheng's eyes went to the talismans fluttering in the dark breeze. It was the Cloud Recesses, the Yin Iron, the oh-so-perfect-and-peerless-and-interesting-Lan-Wangji all over again. Leaving Jiang Cheng behind to go be a hero because he just didn’t fucking matter enough to keep around. Because Wei Wuxian thought he was pathetic and selfish.

Jiang Cheng’s eyes were burning, his voice shaking when he spat, “Great. Then just keep trying to make yourself a better shidi out of that thing. I’m sure it will never stop kissing your ass.”

On his way back to his room, he snapped at a young servant girl to order a bath for Wen Qing. She practically ran.

Nice fucking job, idiot.

Crashing face first onto his bed, he fell into unconsciousness immediately.

[whereflowersbloom]

I liked you first

Part 4

Fuck. She was getting closer, he could hear the echo of her footsteps walking across the hall. He was positive she was on her way to his table. This had to be a fucking joke. Damian looked around and tried to convince himself it was his mind playing tricks on him. Perhaps it was the wine. Definitely he’d blame the wine. However he knew it wasn’t possible. He had only had one glass. Furthermore he developed a high tolerance for alcohol. There was no way he was drunk. At all. Damian has met beautiful women the past years. Attending Galas, charity events, and suchlike, as a Wayne. He did what was expected of him. Some were dates, others one night stands to satisfy his carnal needs as any other man. Every single one meaningless. Yet, they were nothing compared to this dazzling beauty before his sharp eyes. Pure and innocent as beautiful. Delicate as porcelain. This couldn’t be Rachel Kent. Jonathan’s sister. His date tonight. The simple idea seemed inconceivable.

He felt a warmth rising from within, a low gentle burn starting at his core, and stretching out into his limbs. He doesn’t recognize it, or possibly his logical mind refused to acknowledge it. He tenses, the sound around him mutes.

Rachel was too nervous to interpret the expression on his handsome face. She took a few deep breaths to slow down her racing heart. The unsettling feeling that's been building up in her since she entered the restaurant takes on new edges. An uncomfortable awareness of something she can’t quite put words to gnawing at the back of her mind. His penetrating gaze probably. There she was, standing in front of him. The man that stole her heart when she was a timid, troubled child, covering her affection with indifference. She longed to run her fingers through his dark hair. It looked so silky. His lips seemed to beckon to her to be kissed. Oh the dream of her teenage years.

“Damian.” She breathed torn between joy and agitation at seeing him for the first time in over ten years.

Fucking Richard Grayson. Damian swears in his head. She’s there. She’s right in front of him and he’s paralyzed, stunned. She was moving her rosy lips. God, he’d beg for a taste, those full lips were made for his. To be kissed properly. He found himself unable to hear a sound. His surroundings, her voice, nothing. His attention and thoughts too focused on those electric blue eyes. How intense and beautiful they are. All of her. She embodied the essence of everything that was supremely, exquisitely, unbelievably stunning. Becoming a beauty incarnate. Say something he commanded his body. It didn’t respond. Her expression showed concern, confusion, she must think he was ignoring her. Fuck.

“Oh.” Was all he managed to mutter. Seven hells. Is that all he can come up with? What in the world was happening to him? Facing a gorgeous woman and suddenly he was speechless, behaving like an inexperienced teenager. It was unacceptable.

He tried to focus again. Damn it. She folded her arms, her forehead shifting. It became immediately obvious to Damian that his staring wasn’t as subtle as he’d been hoping and he gave her the impression he was giving her the cold shoulder. How wrong she was. “Damian?” His hearing was finally back. He snapped out of it.

He cleared his throat, he was a complete mess. “Rachel?” He asked in disbelief. He wasn’t himself. All kind of thoughts swirling around his head. She nodded, smiling at him. He took a deep breath. It had to be a joke. He had to be sure it wasn’t an hallucination. “Rachel Kent?” He asked again, blinking incredulous. What was that in his voice? Was he stumbling over his words?

“Well, unless you were expecting another Rachel Kent.” She raised her eyebrows, blue eyes twinkling with humor, mildly puzzled by his actions.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear innocently and stretched her hand, offering it to him. It took him a whole minute to process what was happening and react. He shook his head and hesitantly took her tiny, pale hand. Damian was acutely aware of the exact moment their hands touched. He tried not to get caught up in the way her palm, her skin was so soft. He was touching her, even if it went in the places he wished to. Then he felt annoyed at himself for noticing it. The little jolt warming his skin beneath their joined hands. It was just a handshake. Nothing, Something he did on daily basis with dozens a of people.

“So, mind if I sit down now?” She gestured the chair, asking shyly. A smile tugs at her lips.

He wanted to punch himself. Where were his manners. Alfred would be utterly disappointed and tell him he should be ashamed of his behavior. He attempted to stand up but his feet failed him and lost balance at the last minute. He avoided the fall, grabbing the edge of the table. Thanks to his quick reflexes. He was terribly embarrassed and furious. He cursed in his mind again. A waiter approached him and asked him if he was alright or needed anything. He dismissed him cordially, saying he was fine and it wasn’t necessary. He regained composure and helped his date sit in her chair. Tsk. He was infinitely grateful his siblings weren’t there to witness it.

He sat down again, shifting in his chair, trying to find a comfortable position. He was angry at himself, his ridiculous actions, lack of self-control. It infuriates him.

Rachel covered her mouth with her hand, suppressing a giggle. It was the first time in a long time she’s seen Damian Wayne being clumsy. Even when they were kids, he was a natural leader, a prodigy, genius. Always doing everything flawlessly, mastering every activity or task. Growing up she couldn’t help but feel inadequate. She was eager to see new sides of him. He appeared to be so perfect, it pained her at times. This was so human. Was he okay though?

Rachel was looking at him worried. “Are you alright?” She reaches out to touch his hand, it was her first instinct, but he instantly moved his arm away, avoiding her touch. It was a reflex. He didn’t mean to. Their eyes lock, hers full of emotion, was that disappointment, sadness in those shinning eyes? He loses himself in those clear, deep blue wells.a part of him wants to look away, hide his embarrassed at his reaction to her touch. But there it was this foreign feeling. It was killing him, annihilating his sanity, slowly. Without mercy.

“I’m sorry.” He exhaled. Guilt. He felt guilt. He was trying to regain control of his actions and emotions.

“No apology necessary.” She sighed, did her best to smile sincerely. But anyone could see the truth through her eyes. Those weren’t the words she'd been hoping he'd say, but she it was her mistake for assuming she could touch him. This was better than fighting. And she had promised herself she wouldn't hold him to her selfish expectations? It was nobody’s fault Damian didn’t want her. Wasn't even his, if she was being honest with herself. Just because she harbors romantic feelings for him...it didn't mean he was obligated to reciprocate those feelings.

Damian’s senses were reeling. He tried to speak but found words has scattered from his mind. Never in his life had the sight of a woman affected him to this point. Not even remotely. He was so taken taken aback by her unadorned beauty, that he was undeniably drunk in her loveliness. This strange, sick feeling was making him lose his cool, his control.

Words bubbles up in his throat, he swallowed them down, gulping air like fish out of the water. For the very first time in his life he felt like a fish out of water. He didn’t know what words to pronounce, dominate his emotions or actions. He was Damian Wayne, he wasn’t supposed to feel this way. He was raised to achieve success and excellence. One look at her and he loses it. Shit. His head was throbbing.

“I know it’s been a long time.” She says quietly, looking down, avoiding eye contact with him.

This encounter had fractured his composure, and with the floodgates broken, Damian was struggling not to drown in his emotions. There she was again, avoiding him, like when they were children. It was irritating, not knowing the reason she despise him, or what in the seven hells did he do? He let out a pained snarl, struggling to overpower a foreign sensation clawing up his chest that was making it difficult to breathe.

“Why? Why did you agree to this date with me?” He asked coldly, frustrated, agitated. He needed answers now.

This caught her attention, getting back to reality. Rachel’s eyes open wide. “I thought it was an opportunity to get to know each other.” She said in a quiet tone, almost in a whisper. She was biting her lower lip.

“Oh really? Because 10 years ago if I recall correctly you didn’t seem interested. You hated me.” He bit out, eyes narrowed falling on her figure. Hurt battling with anger, but anger was easier to cling to. He was releasing all his frustration but he didn’t care at the moment. He started clenching and unclenching his left fist. He needed to hit something. Or better yet, someone.

“I never hated you, Damian. It’s complicated, if you let me explain.” She panicked, tried to come up with an explanation, make him understand. She was a immature and naive child back then. If only he knew how she truly felt about him. He interrupted her

“What game are you playing, Rachel? I’m not a fucking toy or chess piece?” He snarled loudly. They weren’t kids anymore. She couldn’t treat him this way. He wouldn’t allow it. He was breathing heavily. He lost his temper in a public place. Oh no.

“You don’t have to be an asshole. If you didn’t want to come, you should’ve said it.” She countered. She felt broken, shaken, hurt, she held her gaze with his own hard, furious eyes. The pain nearly ripped her heart out. This was obviously a mistake. She gaved a whine of anger and frustration, eyes growing glassy.she couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. She stamped her foot, more tears falling.

“Damn you, Damian Wayne!” With those last words she rose from her sit, and walked away from him. She couldn’t look at him. Wiping her eyes as she retreated, leaving behind Damian and that disaster.

Fuck. He did it this time. He wants to slam his fist down on to the table. Realization of what he had caused. She was right. He didn’t comprehend why he had been an asshole. There had to be other ways to keep her at arms length. It wasn’t fair to her to behave like this. He could be nice to her, considerate and it didn’t have to mean anything. Except it did.

It hurts so bad to want a woman so much. To have her right in front of you, her alluring eyes, full cheeks, delicate features, this glorious creature, and they were so far away. In mind, personality, perspective. In every possible way he could think of. And he was disrespectful, rude, nasty. Because he didn’t understand his own feelings.

It was desire. He wanted Rachel, had wanted her the moment he laid his eyes on her as he’d listened to his newly-revived heart pounding hot blood into his ears, he didn’t know how to deal with the need to have her, mind, body, and soul. It was all new to him. But he wanted her. Dick could kick his ass after all. He deserved it. Except he had to fix this. He had to apologize, plead for another opportunity.

“Rachel! Rachel wait!” Abruptly, his feet started obeying, rushing off to chase after his date. His heart pounding, as he ran across the hall. He could catch up to her still. He had to. He regretted his words before. This date meant everything. Fucking Richard Grayson. If he managed to get Rachel to forgive him. He’d have to genuinely thank him.

Notes: don’t worry it’s the first part of the date 😂😂😂🥺🥺🙈🙈🙈😭😭❤️❤️

[mythoughtsxxblog]

A Toxic Mess of Entertainment - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Quarantine Update: I've started rewatching this mess of a show for the 100th time (its so infuriating, I can never not rewatch it 💀). And I've decided to rate the characters on this show because they're just all so......interesting.

Ricky Underwood: A precious angel. His character development was fucking amazing. He deserved the absolute world and was the best parent to his child. Despite his tragic childhood and his lifestyle choices/inner struggles, he really turned his life around for his son and honestly became my favorite character on this show. His relationship with John was the cutest and I absolutely adored him and Amy (when she wasn't being annoying/immature).

Amy Juergens: Oh Amy.....so damn annoying, but likable at times. Honestly after rewatching this show so many times I've come to the conclusion that she may have had postpartum depression. She had the signs and seemed to resent her own child at times. I will say though, she had her good moments. Like when she actually acted like an adult and not a little kid. Also her cute moments with Ricky. And honestly, Shailene playing her made me dislike the character less lol

Ben Boykewich: Where the hell do I start with this piece of shit. He was slightly decent the first season, but my God wtf happened...I mean he is honestly creepy as hell. So obsessive, compulsive, and manipulative. I don't understand how the hell Amy went back and forth with him when the better man, her baby daddy, was right there the whole time. Although he's a little bitch, the storyline with Adrian and their baby killed me. It hurt me the first time I watched it and every other time I've seen it. Other than that though, he can fall in a sewer.

Adrian Lee: When I watched the show as a young teenager, I couldn't stand her, but being older now, I grew to like her. I loved her growth throughout the series, but I'll admit she did have her shitty moments. She made dumb ass mistakes (sleeping with Ben, going back to Ricky all the damn time, etc.), but I'm happy she got her happy ending. After everything she went through, she deserved it. I also loved the way her friendship with Grace evolved.

Grace Bowman: God, this bitch was annoying as hell for a good 3 seasons. She had her good moments, but she was so insufferable. Especially when it came to Jack. The storyline where she thought her having sex killed her dad will forever be the dumbest yet funniest shit ever 💀

Jack Pappus: He was alright I guess. I'm very indifferent on him. He had good and bad moments. His obsession with Grace was extremely annoying.

Ashley Juergens: I had a love/hate relationship with Ashley. I loved when she'd drag Amy when she was acting dumb, but Ashley herself acted dumb at times. She was a know-it-all and that annoyed me because it lowkey reminded me of myself 💀 at times I forgot she was the younger sister cause she was more mature than Amy lol.

George Juergens: Though he has his obvious flaws, I freaking love him. He's hilarious and I honestly think we need a reboot of this show with him and Moose 💀 also I loved his father/daughter relationship with Ashley.

Anne Juergens: Molly Ringwald is an icon. I didn't care for the character, but I love her lol. "Everybody forgot my 16th birthday" ICONIC.

Betty Boykewich: A character that had me dying of laughter most of the time. She honestly gave the show the light hearted humor it needed. Jennifer Coolidge is a legend.

Leo Boykewich: One of the more likeable parents on this show. I loved when he'd tell off Ben for how dumb he was acting which was almost 24/7. I also loved his relationship with Ricky. He treated him like a second son and it was sweet to watch.

Henry and Alice: I absolutely love them. They were the perfect duo that offered comic relief.

Bunny: LOVE HER. I would have loved to work in a butcher shop with her lol.

Lauren and Madison: Annoying as hell and honestly were never true friends to Amy. They couldn't keep shit to themselves and honestly the show would have been just fine without them. They were irrelevant characters to me 🤷‍♀️

Tom Bowman: I really liked his character. He brought a different feel to the show. I love that he wasn't treated differently despite him having down syndrome. I also love when actors with down syndrome are given a chance to shine and the actor really shined.

Some Thoughts:

With how the show ended horribly, I'm happy knowing the producer came out and said that in the end Ricky and John follow Amy to NY and ultimately they get married. I still cannot believe I watched this show for 5 years and the finale happened the way it did. But knowing this little fact keeps me at peace lol

Despite my obvious hatred for Ben, I lowkey wish he and Adrian had worked out. Yes they were, at times, extremely toxic, but I thought they had great chemistry.

Nora was awesome. I wish her character had been around since the first season. Her dynamic with George was entertaining af

Even though I didn't really care for Jack, I loved his and Tom's friendship.

[maddiicake]

Ramblings of a Madwoman

Because I honestly have no other idea what to title this as. To put it simple, that's what this entire journal is going to be. From start to finish--no stopping to think about whatever f-ed up stuff will be put into written text and to be immortalized for eternity (deleted after or not) here on the World Wide Web--nothing but unedited, freewriting, off topic sidebar-ing throughout the entirety of this Journal. So, we'll see where and how it ends.

In about a month, I'll have been on DeviantART for an entire decade (and about 8 years since Tumblr). And, I just want to make it clear: I've done a shit tone of fucked up things in all the years that I've been here. Of course, this was things that I mainly did to people. (Yes, people, because, let's face it, whether or not we have the comfort of anonymity behind the keyboard in the middle of our "safe space" of the internet, we're still people on the other side of the screens). But, yes, I've done and said fucked up shit to people during me time here. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Nor will I deny any of the messed up stuff that I've done, especially to said people, in the past decade. I'll spare you all the wall of novel-length text that consists of my usual self-deprecating self-flagellation, since you all know the drill by now. Plus, I would hate putting you all to sleep just at the beginning of this Journal.

I'm messed up in the head. Plain and simple.

In my younger years (earlier in the decade, right about when I first appeared on dA), I had something wrong with me--not sure what, but it was definitely something that I, unfortunately, would never fully realize until recently this year. I grew up sheltered in an overly Conservative and Bible-Thumping household. The neighborhood I grew up in was what my parents lovingly called "God's Waiting Room", because of all the old-timers living in the homes. Any kids around were ones that I wasn't allowed to socialize with because my parents didn't want them "influencing" me. So, needless to say, I didn't have much of a social life growing up. I only went to a real school for two and a half years of my life, and, during that time, I stuck out more than a sore thumb (Hell, I didn't even know what a "Cafeteria" was, because the only "Cafeteria" I knew of was the dinner table. So, needless to say, my first time experiencing "lunch" was very awkward). All in all, being sheltered and not having much of a social life when you're still in your single-digits you grow up having this narcissistic know-it-all, controlling, 'I'm better than you', 'I'm the only person in this world and everyone else doesn't exist' personality and you think that you can control everyone else to your every whim. Being put into a real school with other real life people and kids my age was, obviously, a massive culture shock. When you suddenly realize that other people are their own individual person and have their own free will, you start to become aware that you were educated and raised in a world that could be similar to solitary confinement.

"Oh, hey, (Saki's real name). What're you doing?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just trying to think of how I can get all my classmates together for our superhero team so we can go off and fight bad guys in my head, all the while thinking I can bend them to my will as if they're not actually other human beings."

"...Didn't Chris-Chan already do that?"

"Pfft. This is 2005! Chris-Chan won't be a thing for another few years."

Now, my parents weren't perfect. I was their first child, and the first-borns are always the "guinea pigs"  for new parents.  Of course, I never understood that my parents were humans until my 20s. They made mistakes with me, like thinking that not giving their young impressionable daughter a social life through the first crucial years of her childhood was a good idea.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining--that's always the initial reaction people get whenever they read posts like this from me. "Oh, Saki's just starting drama", "Kura just wants attention", "She's cray-cray and needs help, like srsly...". Believe me, I get it, I completely understand why one would think that I sound like I'm complaining. Because you, the reader, are just reading these little pixelated words that look black on your computer monitor/mobile screen. But, in reality, when up close, those pixels are just a collection of RBGs. You interpret what you see through your reading and comprehension of the words before you. Because you're not the author. You merely interpret what you're writing and filling the blanks with guesswork of what the writer is trying to convey through these little pixels making up words.

It's weird, y'know... They say that "hearing voices" is the first step into insanity. But, are you insane if you're fully aware of it? They say that psychos and sociopaths don't admit nor are aware of their disorder because of the narcissism that accompanies it. So... would you still be a psychopath or sociopath if you admit it and/or are aware of it? These are just a handful of the kind of questions that fill he chaotic Hell in my mind when nothing else is going on.

Lately, though, that hasn't been very often. For those of you, who follow me on Tumblr (by the way, if you still follow me there, you must have a lot of tolerance for me), you may have noticed the rather alarming on-and-off episodes I've been having over the past few weeks. Trust me when I tell you that former friends will assure that "This is normal for Saki/Kura. Just stay away from her. She's just a lost cause. You'll only end up hurt associating with her, much less talking to her."

"Saki... the things you have been saying aren't really 'normal'--"

"Oh trust me... this is the Keemster-level of a 'cycle' that she goes through. Why do you think we made her theme song that Keemstar Parody of All Star? LMAO. This is 100% Normal for her."

But, what is normal? 'Normal' is nothing more than a perception of what we're used to: routines, topics, lifestyles--whatever we are used to. When something occurs that is out of our routine, we immediately perceive it as 'abnormal' (or just not normal). Much life me experience, albeit rather brief, time I spent in an actual school. You feel that unnerving unease as the stranger in a foreign land.

Now, what I do and say isn't Healthy, that would be the proper use of the phrase you're trying to portray. But, my diagnosis came far too late. There's no undoing what is done. There's no chance at saving loathsome sinners, the chance they had was the life they had before and the punishment is this. There's no rainbows inside of demons.

People, who view others outside of their little bubble, call those 'abnormal' people "toxic", simply because that person has disturbing psychological issues. It's like: "Ewww! A mud puddle! Gross I can't believe I stepped in that! Now my $200 shoes are ruined forever because of that damn puddle!" Those people are treated as lower than dirt just because their perceived in such a negative light. It's a label those high and mighty ones quickly slap onto those, who can't help the disorders they have. Sometimes those people aren't even aware they have a disorder, yet those prissy princesses still sit with upturned noses and chastise with their prim: "You need help, srsly." with their venomous undertone of "I'm better than you." Is it really fair to be some uppity hoity-toity sociality; sneering through your little rainbow-soap window down below at those loathsome dirty little plebian peasants? Perhaps that may be "normal" for you.

Sometimes--no, actually, often; very often--I just want to pop that bubble. Let that sprinkle of soap sting their eyes as it dribbles into their corneas. Their screams and cries in pain while they lean over the sink to wash them out would be such a delight.

I would go into more detail about other things regarding this, but I'm not dumb enough to freewrite my thoughts out to the point there's incriminating evidence against me.

"...Saki, this Journal is getting a little dark..."

"It's called 'Ramblings of a Madwoman' for a reason. Besides, the little 13-year-old edgelord wannabes on this website get away with far worse. Trust me, I've seen them. Some of them are in their 20s and haven't grown out of that phase. Them going on and getting away with using their boyfriends, who has ties to the dark Web, to get the personal information (mailing address and all) of the people they don't like just so that they can have them killed. You'd be surprised how thin-skinned these little lefties are. 'Someone Disagrees with me?? -cue Mission Impossible montage of tracking that person down and killing them-'."

"But you're talking about killing people!"

"I have said no such thing! At least not put it in writing. What part of 'I'm not dumb enough to post incriminating evidence of myself' did you not understand, my dear?"

Yes... it would be nice to have a peace of mind for once day. It would be amazing to not have to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from another night terror (had one just last night actually). When people want you dead--and have gone out of their way to find your address so that they can kill you--, all you want to do is keep you and your family safe. People can't kill you if they no longer exist, right? It would be just so nice to be able to go on for the rest of my life without having to worry about being sought after and killed just because I disagreed with someone and told them they were being stupid and immature. Or just randomly responding to condescending Twitter users, who think I'm talking about a certain someone when I'm not. But, just knowing that people still continue to go after me for no apparent reason just causes those night terrors to persist.

I just want to keep my family safe. Selfishly, I want to be able to sleep without having to worry about people in other States and Countries somehow knowing where I live and can come and kill me at any moment.

"Why didn't you call the cops--?"

"Because I didn't know it was them at the time it happened. Their former friend didn't tell me about all the plots and things they said in their Discord server until two years later. So, they were able to get away with this because of the Statute of Limitations."

Regardless, that still won't put my mind at ease knowing that they're still out there and can pull the same thing or worse once again. I wasn't the only one they they did this too, either. Of course, that the YouTube Drama Channels for you. They do fucked up shit behind the scenes while putting on some "I'm a good person" face.

You can't trust people, who act nice publicly. They aren't the innocent souls they want everyone to believe that they are. They want something. They want something from you. And when they've squeezed everything out of you that they want... they'll toss you away with no hesitation because they're done using you. Using you to feed their little lambs, whose fleece are white as snow, while they sleep their way to the top.

They want me dead. They've always wanted me dead. They know where I live, and they'll take me out along with the rest of my family. They'll rejoice and be glad of course~ ^u^ "Ding Dong the witch is dead~!" They will sing as they dance together happily in the streets. "Huzzah! Hooray! The monster has been slain. No longer shall she continue to torment us because we have FINALLY killed her~!" They said so themselves: "I'm happy that people told you these things." That was back in 2015 (and I still have the screenshot and the link to the original post)... half a decade ago. Even back then, they wanted me dead. Their party planning for that day is still in preparation. But, they'll immediately set up once that time come when I no longer exist. "...Saki, you're not okay."

This is what happens to people when they've finally Snapped.

But, I want to get better. Don't get me wrong. I don't like that I've become this person. No, I don't believe in change--I don't believe people can change whatsoever. I just want to feel better and not have to worry about these things anymore. But, I know well that things will never be the same. All I can do is continue moving forward and hope and pray that I don't mess up once again and start the cycle all over.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #220

“as long as god in heaven dwell, your soul, your soul shall scream in hell.”

Would people consider you more immature or mature? It depends on the context. Emotionally, I think I'm considerably mature. As far as eligibility to be a proper adult goes, yeah. No. Would people consider you more funny or serious? I personally don't think I'm very funny, but I'm not super serious, either. Are you currently in love with someone? Who is this person? So... I'm quietly pondering over whether or not I'm just biromantic, not bisexual. I genuinely think I'm in love with my girlfriend, I do, but we have so, so little actually sexual experience that I don't know if "bisexual" fits me. I totally adore her romantically, I know that, but maybe sexually, I'm not into her? I don't know. It's hard for me to say because when I picture doing certain "things," I can't really tell what I feel. I don't take that as an "I'm not into it" though, considering I've wound up liking things with a guy I didn't think I would with anyone, something I only discovered by doing it. This whole situation was driving me insane a few days ago to the point I felt sick, but I've calmed myself out of it to where I've accepted I just have to wait and learn, being long-distance. I'm still entirely invested in us and am going to be honest learning about myself. I haven't actually talked to Sara about it and don't want to unless I come to learn this hunch has credibility. Which room in your house are you in? What color are the walls? My bedroom; light puke green, Why God. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Who got you interested in it? I don't really know about my "absolute favorite." It depends on my mood, really. I think maybe watching my favorite YouTubers tops the list, something Jason actually started with PewDiePie; or RPing, which I got into myself thanks to Meerkat Manor. Would the people you know say you have a nice singing voice? Barely anyone ever hears me sing, so idk. I personally feel my voice suits only few songs. Would you say most of your friends are older/younger than you? Ummm, good question. All but two are very close in age range, but most of my friends/closer acquaintances are kinda split around either side. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? Nope. Are you listening to music right now? If so, who’s singing the song? Yeah, I'm listening to Khemmis' cover of "A Conversation With Death." It's the intro song to that new game Man of Medan and is so badass. All the comments are like "came here from so-and-so's LP because this is epic" and same. What is your dream career? What inspired you to pursue this career? Probably meerkat biologist if I could handle the heat and was okay with moving, or paleontologist if I wasn't opposed to heavy travel. I love meerkats and dinosaurs v v much. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? No. What would you say is your favorite holiday? Why did you choose this? Halloween bc spooks and costumes and candy. Does it feel odd being around your friend’s parents? Why or why not? If I'm alone with them and don't know them very well, sure? What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Is there one in your city? Sonic, probably. And no, but in our neighboring city. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Is there one in your city? Olive Garden. See above. Do you ever take pictures with family members around the holidays? Mom pretty much forces it, lol... Have you ever thought you were adopted because of opposing interests? Y'ALL not kidding I legit asked my fucking mom if I was adopted in elementary school bc I thought she hated me one day versus my little sister lmfao. I went through a phase of feeling like she couldn't be "this mean" to her legitimate child. Are you more interested in indoor activities or outdoor things? Hm, that depends on the activities available. Most outdoor things are more fun, though. When is the next time you’ll see someone you’re crushing on? We were just talking a couple days ago about our next visit, actually. If I can financially, I'm probably coming up to see her for her birthday again, as that's when I have a decent break from school. Speaking of which, how many people are you crushing on right now? Lol I mean it's been just shy of two years, a "crush" doesn't cut it. Have you ever played Super Mario Bros. for Nintendo DS? Was it fun? No, actually. I didn't grow up playing Mario games. What exactly is your favorite gaming system? Do you have this system? The PS2. It had a giant graphical leap, contains SOOOOO many goodies, and you can still play PS1 games on it. How often do you talk on the phone? Who do you talk with the most? Very very rarely, pretty much only ever with my mom or dad. I hate talking on the phone. Do you normally do what other people around you want you to do? Depends. What does your trick-or-treat bag or pail look like? I don't have one anymore, but it used to be an orange, plastic jack-o-lantern. How old will you turn on your next birthday? 24... wow. What are your plans to celebrate? Probably just go out to dinner with family. What floor do you live on? I only have one floor. Do you have a balcony? No. What is your favorite fall drink, if you had to pick just one? None. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? I've never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? I'm pretty sure I was in my entire school career... Damn dude, proud. Were you a straight A student in math? HA hell no. I could get a C sometimes. Were you abused or do you know anyone who was abused? I wasn't, but I know people. Are you a Democrat or Republican, or neither? Neither. Independent. Who would take care of you if you needed surgery? My mom and dad, as far as bills go. Do you think you have an accent? Not really. Sometimes you can hear it, though. Have you been told you have an accent? Only when I was younger. I had a SERIOUS one. My family in NY couldn't even understand me sometimes, lmao. Where do you live (country or state)? North Carolina. If you could start a church, what would it be like? I wouldn't. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Nah. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Get a goddamn stable job. Do you know what your purpose in life is? Spreading the love and respect of animals and conservation. If you live in an apartment, what is the maintenance man’s name? N/A What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? Hypothetically, if I had/wanted kids, I'd enjoy carving pumpkins with them, obviously taking them trick-or-treating, autumnal crafts would be fun together, and watching Halloween/scary films appropriate to their age would be a nice experience. I'd decorate the house with them. Oh, a hayride would be cool together, I love those. AND DON'T FORGET JUMPING INTO LEAF PILES! I have a lot of ideas for someone who doesn't want to be a mom. Have you ever seen a fox? Yeah. At least one alive, a handful as roadkill. What color are the squirrels where you live? Brown. What do the trees look like where you live? Pine trees. Pine trees. What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? I really enjoyed the trip to Beaufort to an island of wild horses. The water was rough that day, and goddamn... watching the ocean in its aggression was unbelievable. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? UM, DID ANY KID NOT????? Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Gimme a science museum and I'm SOLD. What are three issues you are passionate about? GAY RIGHTS, wildlife and nature conservation, women's rights and the pro-choice argument. What are three countries you have no desire to visit? North Korea, Iraq, and... uh... idk. I guess the Middle East in general. That shit's rough. Do you like your country’s flag? Sure? Stars r dope? Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? NO. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Oh. My. God. When I was on three Klonopin a day (I'm now on just one and don't even take it every day), I literally could not function. There was one day in particular (I was on three very briefly bc of this) where I just slept until evening. I physically could not stay awake. I remember I was in the middle of watching a Game Grumps' Mario playthrough, and I'd only last like, ten minutes before I HAD to lie back down, and I'd fall back asleep in like, a minute. That was one of the most awful days ever, I was miserable. Do you like bath bombs? Sure, they're pretty. Who is your favorite neighbor? I don't actually know any. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? He's not very small, I think he's at about a million and a half subs, but Timmy Timato is so fucking iconic. He is an Actual Mood. I have no interest in what he actually posts; I just watch for him. As well, Johnny Paranormal is cool; he's a fuckin awesome guy and is chill and relaxing to watch. I don't watch him religiously, though. Rarely, actually. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? HAVE U HEARD OF????? THE MARKIPLIER GUY??????? What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? I think it was the Pussycat Dolls, fuck off, don't say shit 2 me "Buttons" is still dope. Do you like Disney movies? Blocked & reported if you don't. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Man idk, I enjoy a lot. I enjoyed The Avengers, and Logan REALLY tugged at my heart. Do you have any credit card debt? I don't have a credit card. Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? No. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off? Probably like... two days, lmao. It's not like I have a lot of experience. Have you ever been scammed? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? It's fine. Do you struggle with acne? No, not anymore. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? RP is definitely the "strangest." Have you ever fostered an animal? No. Are you the clubbing type? Definitely not. Never been, not interested. Bar goer? No. I don't trust strangers + alcohol, and I'd be really scared of being hit on. Song you can’t stand? I don't think there's a song I've heard that I hate more than "Welcome To The Machine" by Pink Floyd. Well, correction, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. That autotuned to all fuck voice is just... major ew. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Jason is. Well, if he looks the same as last time I saw him, which was in 2017. Juan doesn't look half bad. Aaron's cute. What is unattractive about them? Jason: fucking communication skills. Juan: his reckless streak. Aaron: nothing that I know of, he's a sweetie and on a great path. Your hottest ex’s name starts with the letter what? J. Pick two highlighter colors: Yellow, Pink, Blue, Purple, Orange. Pink and orange. Has anyone ever written on you? Who hasn't been written on by friends with markers as a kid? Have you ever dated a fat person? Yes. Have you ever dated someone with a fine ass body? I mean this with total respect and love towards her: Sara's body is genuinely sexy. Her figure is amazing. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for? Yeah, for prom, as well as my sister's wedding. Do you welcome people back when they say they have returned? Yes. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream? I fucking hate whipped cream. How long would it take you to walk to the nearest fire hydrant? I've never paid attention, actually... Do you own anything that has the words or picture of ‘mustache’? Well my Mark tribute tat has the Iconic pink mustache on it, and the texting screen background on my phone is also a pink mustache collage-y thing lmao. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up? Yeah, sometimes. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? On a burger. How would you feel marrying the man you love who has already a son? I don't love a man, and I wouldn't marry anyone with a kid. Have you ever played Roller Coaster Tycoon? What did you think of it? No, but I had SeaWorld Tycoon or whatever it was called. I loved that game. When you are chopping onions, does it really affect your eyes personally? I've never cut an onion myself, but when I'm in the proximity of someone doing it, I feel mild irritation. How long can you hold your breath for? Is there anyone who is better? Idk, I don't feel like testing it. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name? I couldn't even try to guess. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Do you enjoy mayonnaise with French fries? Why or why not? Um that sounds disgusting. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? Actually, he warned me that he can and he was nervous about me ever seeing it. I, thank Christ, never witnessed it, though. I would've broken the fuck down, I can't handle angry men. What was the topic discussed in the last meeting you attended? I don't know the last time I went to a "meeting." Honestly, when’s the last time you genuinely liked someone? Now. Are you Team Jacob, Team Edward, or you just don’t care? I've never been into Twilight, but I find Jacob way more attractive. Do you like it when questions are long and make you think? Yes. Have you ever had love at first sight happen to you? No. Do you think Avatar is really all that great? I'm assuming you mean the movie and not TLA? I never saw the full thing, but I would love it. Love or trust? Trust, I think. You can't love someone in a healthy fashion if you don't trust them. What do you think about sexting? Not about that personally. That'd be so awkward. Have you ever done it? Those days where RP mating scenes on YouTube were over private message, timeskipping wasn't a thing... oh boy. It WAS uncomfortable. Would you ever swim with dolphins? Yeah! Have you ever believed a stereotype? Probably at some point. Have you ever tried marijuana? No, though tbh I probably would (but not through smoking it) for anxiety and panic attacks if it was legal in my state. Is there any reason you should be in jail right now? Can you go to jail for illegally downloading, or it is just a fine? Idk. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard? I mean, it was decent. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken? Latin. That shit was so hard. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yes, for panic attacks. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize? Heartbreak. Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Yes, but Mom played a larger role. Did any of the classes you took in high school count towards uni credit? No. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair. Do you plan outfits? "Not unless it’s a special occasion." <<< Are your parents strict? No. Would you go sky diving? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights, and I'd be really scared the parachute wouldn't deploy. Who sits behind you in your math class? Quite honestly, a bitch. She always has shit to say under her breath. Do you have good vision? No, it's awful. When was the last time you watched a show for people younger than you? Last I was with Sara. We're watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together. Have you ever snuck someone into your house before? No. Is there something your significant other does that bothers you completely? She's competitive and admits to it. A lot, particularly in writing, is a "mine needs to be better" thing. When was the last time you kissed someone on the cheek? When I saw my niece and nephew at my nephew's birthday party. How many best friends do you have? One. Did you ever get bullied as a child or were you the bully? Neither. Would you rather eat grape or strawberry jelly or jam? GRAPE. I hate strawberry jam/jelly. Do your parents ever send you to do their grocery shopping for them? No. Do you know anyone who has a speech impediment? I don't think I do personally. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was like... 11-12 or so, maybe? Possibly younger? Have you ever had a significant other who hit you? Fuck no. Do you own any exercise machines? No. Do you still leave/receive voicemails? If I need to, sure. School leaves me voicemails sometimes if I miss a call. Do you live in your hometown? No. Are you a festive person? Do you enjoy holidays? Not very festive, but I mean, I enjoy 'em. Did you/Will you attend college? I'm back in college now!! You’re feeling down - do you listen to sad music or happy? Sad. Listening to music fitting my mood helps me feel related to and not alone. You’re looking for some new music - what’s your preferred way to discover? YouTube recommendations. Do you watch the news? No. What hooks you to a television show? The most important thing is A GOOD PLOT!!! It needs to be really interesting to me, bc I do NOT get into shows easily. As for funny shows, they need to be fuuuuunny. I don't think I could ever get "hooked" on a show again, though. I just don't watch TV. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Yes. On the morphine occasion, it didn't do jackshit. I don't think they gave me nearly enough. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? The #1 thing that most fits the definition of "skin crawling" to me is seeing a fetus move from outside the stomach, especially the further the mother is along. It's fucking alien-esque and actually makes me scream and panic. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? It can be either. Do you have a dining room in your house? No. Do you know the alphabet in any other languages? Very close to all of German's. I blank and aren't sure on a couple. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever been surfing? No.

[thegoodbitchofthesouth]

Jack in the box

If I am doing this wrong or you don't want to be tagged in this post, please let me know and how to fix it. @metafest @letswarriorfangirl @amwritingmeta @emblue-sparks @angelneedshunter @verobatto-angelxhunter @magnificent-winged-beast @staycejo1

I needed to take a bit to get my thoughts more in order, I should have done that before I made that rambling post before. Anyway, there seemed to be a few themes in this episode-  One is about the similarities and differences in the characters, and how they are destined to repeat history because of it.

 For example, Dean is just as prone as Jack to reaching a point of emotional meltdown and saying/doing things when he is angry, afraid or hurt that he shouldn’t and that hurt the people he loves, the only difference is that Dean isn’t a two year old and teenager at the same time, the two stages in a person’s life when they have very limited self-control, and Dean doesn’t have Jack’s powers. If Dean was as powerful as Jack, he would have destroyed the universe long ago in one of his meltdowns.

 The parallel between Dean and Duma is obvious, so I won’t go over that one. But there is also a parallel between Dean and John. The first time Mary was killed, John basically did the same thing Dean is doing now- he went looking for revenge on Azazel and was so blinded by it that he couldn’t see he was basically doing to his kids and Dean hasn’t seen how he is following the same path as John. John basically locked Sam and Dean in a metal box (though Baby is a much nicer metal box) or in cells in the form of hotel rooms alone where they had very limited exposure to other people and had very little reference for normal human behavior and healthier ways to deal with things, and expected them to behave like adults when they were just children. He didn’t accept that they were kids who would make mistakes, he always expected them to follow orders, behave as adults and it put an incredible amount of pressure on them, especially Dean. He basically set Dean up to feel like mistakes were unforgivable and accidents should be harshly punished, except when Sam made them, and even then, Dean may not have wanted to kill Sam, but he did lock him in a metal cell (a much bigger, more comfortable one, but still a cell) and when he let him out, he spent months reminding him over and over again of his mistake and making him feel like crap about it. Also Dean looked up to John and wanted his approval so much that he let himself be manipulated, he accepted blame and guilt for things that should never have been put on him (he should not have been left to protect Sam from a monster when he wasn’t even ten years old yet) and was willing to do anything John said to get his approval, and he never felt like he got it.

 Jack has been shown doing all sorts of things to indicate that he wants Dean’s approval, he sees him as a father (he asked to go fishing because he said Dean told him about fishing with his father, and he mimicked Dean all the time) and at the moment, it looks like he may not get Dean’s approval. He wants so badly to meet these expectations that shouldn’t be put on him because he is essentially a toddler, and as we have seen, having all the pressure of those expectations proved to be too much. I don’t think that Jack killed Mary out of wrath, he never wanted her to die, he was just in a panic and having a meltdown because of the overwhelming fear of falling short of Dean’s expectations when Dean found out. I don’t think he ever wanted to hurt her, he had an emotional meltdown normal for anyone as young and under as much pressure as Jack has been, and unfortunately when he has a meltdown it’s like an atom bomb going off, and Mary was just in the blast radius.

 I just read a fic on Tumblr that pointed out that someone with glowing yellow eyes was responsible for Mary’s death both times, and both times she died trying to protect a child, but that is where the similarities ended. Azazel was a centuries old Demon, intent on malice who consciously chose to kill her in a painful, slow way and she stayed in that house as a ghost, unable to move on. Jack killed her by accident, he never wanted to hurt her, he didn’t plan on it, he loved her, and her death was instant, and she did go straight to heaven. Dean may subconsciously be seeing the parallel of Azazel and Jack both killing her, driving his urge to kill Jack in revenge, but not seeing any distinction beyond that, not caring that it was an accident made by someone who lacked the maturity, experience and self-control. All he can see is that he lost her again and he is hurting.

 Sam on the other hand, is like Jack in that he was different from his family and everyone he knew, first in that he was highly intelligent and didn’t want to be a hunter, and then later when he learned about what Azazel did to him when he was a baby. He felt trapped by his family and expectations and he was desperate to get out of the metaphorical Malak box he was in, and he also found a way to escape. And we have seen him relate and sympathize with others who know they are different and have the expectations of others pushed on them but want to not be what the world sees them as. He even told Jack that he understood how he felt because he was in a similar situation growing up, this was why he was Jack’s ‘go to man’. He can also relate to having Lucifer be way too interested in him.

 Sam also parallels Dean in this episode in that he cares deeply about Jack, he has been trying since Jack’s birth to be there for him and try to give him at least some normalcy in any way he could, he protected him and stood between Dean and Jack in the beginning when Jack hadn’t even done anything yet and Dean wanted to kill him just for existing. After Jack killed Mary, he still wants to help and protect Jack, but he finds himself in the same position Dean was in when they were growing up that Dean mentioned in Prophet and Loss when he said he knew that it seemed like he took John’s side a lot growing up, but he was just trying to keep the peace. Sam caved and went along with this scheme of Dean’s even though he hated it, the same way Dean backed John up when they were kids a lot of the time.

 Dean does have a history of deceit and manipulation prior to this episode, mostly with Sam, and I think Sam remembers how Dean manipulated him in the past to say yes to Gadreel and essentially forced him to take his soul back regardless of what Sam want. He took away Sam’s free will. Dean also has a history of being a hypocrite, saying free will is all important, until it means he might lose someone, and then it’s negotiable. Sam knew this about Dean, Dean has done very similar things to Sam in the past, but when Dean asks him to help do the same to Jack, he goes along with it, allows Dean to manipulate him into taking part and in turn manipulate Jack, probably in the same manner that John would use Dean and Sam’s trust in Dean to get Sam to do what John wanted.  Sam is basically stuck in the middle.

  Jack parallels Sam in that he trusted Dean and Sam and allowed them to lock him in the box the way Sam allowed Dean and Bobby to lock him in the panic room, and later when he trusted Dean and Dean tricked him into saying yes to Gadreel. He wants Dean’s approval the way Sam does, and he trusts Sam and Dean to the point that he allows them to manipulate him. There is a metaphorical similarity also in the way Sam escaped John, Dean, and the prison of his life by getting out and going to Stanford, the way that Jack escaped the prison that Dean and Sam locked him in.

 There is even a parallel between Jack and Chuck, and kind of between Dean and Chuck. The things that Jack did to the professor, televangelist and pastor were all acts from the Old Testament, reminding us that God/Chuck didn’t always write books in his underwear and wasn’t always as mellow and forgiving as he is now, and more prone to making rash decisions and punishing people a lot more harshly. Even Chuck/God was prone to immaturity and lashing out when he was young, but he learned from it and got better. Hell, he flooded the entire earth once because he didn’t like the way people were becoming, and he burned an entire city to the ground and turned a woman to salt, *just because she looked over her damn shoulder*.

 The other theme is about blame, assigning blame and forgiveness. One of the first things Duma said to Jack that made him so easy to manipulate was, “It’s not your fault.” Dean challenged both Cas and Jack by asking “So this was her/our fault?!” Because Dean needs it to be someone’s fault, he needs someone to blame. If he can feel like someone is at fault, he can take action and feel justified in it. Not that he felt it was Mary’s or their fault, he just wants someone else to say it was, someone he already blames/blamed. Last episode he was convinced it was Cas’s fault.

 Another pattern is being so desperate for absolution and forgiveness so badly that you are willing to blindly trust people when you shouldn’t, the way Jack is so easily swayed by Duma just because she said it wasn’t his fault. When he met her before, it wasn’t actually her, it was the Shadow, trying to take him away to the Empty and making that horrible deal with Cas. All of his experience with her outward appearance should have been enough to make him distrust her. We see it again later when he goes into the church and promises the congregation that he will take them to heaven and make them angels and they just blindly follow him. He might as well have been a stranger in a van offering them candy. Along that same theme, there is the way the people who show doubt or question are treated. Even though Chuck said it was okay not to believe in him because he included free will in the kit, Duma convinced Jack that it was right to punish the atheist professor by turning him to salt, and Jack later tortured the pastor for questioning him. I believe that the reason Chuck included free will in the kit was that he learned with Adam and Eve that a little bit of skepticism is a good thing, otherwise they wouldn’t have been so easily tricked by Lucifer in the Garden.

 Last of all, not a theme of the episode, but did Bobby seem weird to anyone else? I can’t decide if it was just weird writing, or intentional because he is the AU Bobby who doesn’t have the same history with Sam and Dean as our Bobby, or intentional to indicate something else. For one thing, he never called either Sam or Dean, or even Jack by their names. He called them ‘You boys’ and called Dean ‘the other one’, and Jack was just ‘the kid’. Maybe you could chalk that up to being because he is the AU Bobby who didn’t practically raise Sam and Dean, but the way he was talking about hunting down and killing Jack seemed very strange to me. Even as the AU Bobby, he seemed to take the other AU hunters and survivors under his wing and see them in the same way our version of Bobby saw Sam and Dean. He was angry with Sam when he felt like Sam sent Maggie and possibly other hunters out on missions alone before they were ready. He had a son of his own that he lost. Previous appearances of AU Bobby seemed to indicate that he shared our Bobby’s strong parenting instincts and our Bobby wouldn’t shoot Sam when he was trying to kill Bobby, or when Sam escaped from the panic room and was going to leave, he managed to over ride a demon and stab himself, putting himself in a wheelchair, to keep from hurting Dean. And he told Sam that he would never have written him off and cut him out of his life like that, it was the demon talking. He was helping to train Jack the way our Bobby trained Sam and Dean. All of this and all that we know about Bobby just doesn’t fit with Bobby being able to just turn on Jack like that and say he wants to kill him without any qualms. Everything about his behavior in this episode just seemed off, and he was only there for a few minutes and then he was gone, almost as if he was there just to plant the seeds in Dean and Sam’s heads that something drastic had to be done about Jack and lend validation to whatever horrible thing they came up with.

 With all the mentions of Chuck in the more recent episodes makes me feel pretty sure he will appear in the next one. I don’t want him to simply snap his fingers and fix everything, though I do want him to fix Jack’s soul, but I think he needs to sit Dean and Sam down and have a serious discussion with them about forgiveness and Good Parenting. I mean, who would know better than Chuck from experience about making rash decisions and expecting too much and all the other crap that Dean especially has pulled, as well as parental guilt.

[kimnamjooonz]

Blank Space  - Episode 7

Shake It Off

Songs that inspired this Episode: 

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

''Cause the players gonna play, the haters gonna hate, baby, I'm just gonna shake it off. Heartbreakers gonna break, fakers gonna fake, baby, I'm just gonna shake it off.''

It was the fist day of filming and everything had gone pretty smoothly considering what had happened the previous day. Yes, Sebastian and Morgan weren't on speaking terms but at least no one had shouted at anyone. Maybe it was thanks to Damien that had decided to start shooting the first scene between Morgan and Joe. She had to share with Sebastian only half an hour at the end of the evening. ''You were awesome. All of you'' Damien told them. ''You look just like how I imagined you in my dreams. You can leave.'' Everyone was in a happy mood, Joe and Michael were talking about some basketball match and Emily and Sebastian talking about an scene that they had shared. Morgan just hurried away to her trailer to change her clothes. She had a lot of the evening ahead and she wanted to treat herself with a Broadway show. She took off her character's signature 80's leather jacket for her normal clothes. She kept the make up because it was similar to what she wore everyday. The make up department had loved the exclusive shade of red lipstick that Chanel had made for her and decided to use it for Meredith Hathaway. Morgan had loved the idea. She was slowly making her exit and she had even reached the parking lot when she noticed Sebastian walking behind her, not in a very long distance. She wanted to run in order to avoid him but her phone rang in the exact time. Thanks to Taylor that was calling she had the perfect excuse not to give crap about him. He seemed to be avoiding her as he was also looking at his phone. ''What happened?'' she answered a bit harshly. ''Stop sounding so angry, Morgan. Don't be insufferable.'' damn Taylor that seemed to be in a mocking mood. ''Business calls. I need you to meet me at the Starbucks that's near the apartment.'' ''Taylor, if you want coffee, get it and then we talk in the apartment.'' ''Just do it. It's important. See you in twenty minutes'' then she hung up. Morgan was quite confused but she did exactly what Taylor said and without glancing at Sebastian she left the place.

It was an enormous surprise when she got off her Porsche in the front of the Starbucks and the first thing she saw was Sebastian getting off his Jaguar. In his defence he was as surprised as she was. ''Are you following me?'' she asked with sarcasm, forgetting that they weren't on speaking terms. ''Yeah, because I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time'' he answered back. Even Morgan admired his sarcasm. She didn't say anything and just went into the shop looking for Taylor and mentally cursing her for not talking at the apartment, like any normal person would do. She had no intentions to learn about Sebastian business there. She finally spotted Taylor, sitting on a remote table with a woman she hadn't seen before. She was heading there when she noticed Sebastian following her. ''Really mate, this is getting creepy. Go and get another table, this place is enormous.'' ''Sorry Llewellyn but I can't. I'm meeting my agent and she's sitting right next to yours if I'm not mistaken.'' Sebastian enjoyed the way that Morgan's face chanced. ''I dare to say, princess, that we're in trouble.'' Damn, he was right. And she hated to admit it. ''What is this Taylor?'' she asked, still with a harsh voice. ''Emily, what is the meaning of this madness?'' Sebastian asked his agent. It seemed that for once, Morgan and Sebastian agreed on something: this whole reunion stuff was useless. ''Hello to you too, Sebastian.'' Sebastian didn't say anything. He was giving a fair share of angry glances to everyone there. Morgan was doing exactly the same with a very similar expression. The likeness between the two of them was noticeable. Their personalities were pretty much alike, even though they were never going to see it. ''Look, Emily, Morgan and I fought yesterday, but is okay now, isn't it Morgan?'' It wasn't. But the easiest way out of that situation was to agree with Sebastian, shake his hand, get the hell out of there and go straight to Broadway. ''Yes, he's right. Who told you of this, Taylor?'' Morgan was making a mental list of people who could have told their managers about the fight. She immediately discarded Lucas, that young man was loyal to her from head to toe. ''Damien'' ''Damn it'' Morgan and Sebastian said at the same time. They couldn't do anything against Damien. ''He just wants peace in the set'' said Emily. ''And he doesn't want the media to learn about your fight'' said Taylor. ''In the eyes of the world you two are perfect friends. Understood?'' Both of them nodded. Apparently there was an easy way out of the situation. Damien just wanted to put some sense into their heads. ''Okay. What do you want us to do?'' Sebastian asked. ''Like each other picture's on Instagram? Comment nice things? Praise each other? There's so much love between us... yay!'' ''Do you think is going to be that easy?'' Emily almost laugh at him. ''If you make us date, I swear I'm out'' said an angry Morgan. Sebastian was furiously nodding. ''No one here is going to date anyone'' Taylor was quickly to calm Morgan down. ''We just want you two to be friends. Or make people believe that you are. And it starts today.'' Both of them groaned. They just wanted peace and quiet and be as far away from each other as possible. ''What are you making us do?'' asked Sebastian, sensing defeat. ''You two are going to the basketball match at the Madison Square Garden with the rest of the cast'' said Emily. Well, it wasn't that bad after all. It ruined her Broadway night but at least it was a bearable option. ''Together'' added Taylor. ''What?'' Morgan and Sebastian asked at the same time. ''It's just a show of fraternal love. You just have to put a nice show to the media. Improvise. You two are actors.'' Sebastian and Morgan weren't at all happy with the agreement. ''I have a girlfriend'' said Sebastian, as if it was some valuable excuse. Morgan just wanted to punch him in the face. ''Do you understand the meaning of fraternal?'' Emily teased him. ''Look, Sebastian, not Damien or the studio care that you have a girlfriend. They care about you and Morgan getting on well off screen. You two are going to Madison Square together and stop complaining please.'' For the second time that evening, Morgan and Sebastian were agreeing on something else: they were not going to give up without a fight. ''But I had a date'' Sebastian complained. ''You cancel it!'' Emily was losing her chill. ''I don't care! No one cares! You're going.'' Morgan let Sebastian fight her battle. Maybe he could convince his agent and free himself from a night alongside Morgan. And she'd be free from him. Maybe her Broadway night wasn't ruined yet. ''And at least can I go with Florence?'' he asked. So Florence was her name. Interesting... Taylor was checking on Morgan's facial expression but it never changed. It remained stony and a little indifferent. ''For the love of God, no. You can't. In which language do I have to tell you? Let me put it simply: no one cares about your girlfriend. The only thing you'd get out of this is to anger your fanbase. You'd get nasty comments on social media and I don't need that nor does the studio. On the other hand, people know Morgan and they like her.'' Sebastian knew that Emily was right. Morgan was the new darling of the media and the Internet loved her. She was the beautiful lovely damsel that came from a fairytale town to conquer Hollywood on her astounding strength of character. A modern heroine. ''You two are going together. That's our last word.'' ''Anything to say?'' Taylor asked Morgan who had been in silence for a longer time that it was usual on her. At least she wasn't making things difficult. Then Taylor realised that it was a cunning strategy. She was making Sebastian look like the whiny idiot while she was being the obedient good girl. Smart. Taylor had to admire her. ''No. I understand this is for the best.'' she shot a look at Sebastian that clearly meant 'Unlike others'. ''Pick me up at eight.'' she said to Sebastian. ''Don't be late'' her voice was soft but it made clear that this was an order. With a nod of her head she said goodbye to everybody and left. ''This is how I expected you to behave, Sebastian'' Emily was reprimanding him as if he were a misbehaving child. ''She's ten years younger that you but she is more mature.'' It was really hard for Taylor not to laugh. Morgan, mature? She was the prime example of immaturity and not acting her age. But she had an especial ability at deluding people. ''What? Emily! She was as outraged at this idea as much as I was. That she didn't say anything doesn't mean that...'' ''That makes her smarter that you. She didn't start whining about having a date. That was you'' Emily was really pretty pissed with him. ''Now leave. Make sure not to be late and ruin things even more.''

Five minutes before eight he was waiting at the hall of Morgan's apartment building. Emily had texted him the address and she had got it through Taylor as he still didn't have Morgan's number. Exactly thirty seconds before eight, the elevator's doors opened and Morgan made her appearance. Sebastian couldn't help staring at her. She was hands down, the most beautiful person he'd ever been around. After all, the more beautiful a snake was, the more dangerous and venomous. Morgan seemed to go by those rules. She was dressed simply, with ripped black skinny jeans, ankle high heeled boots, a long sleeved top with the word 'Rep' in gothic letters (that Sebastian had absolutely no idea that she had bought at the Taylor Swift merch store) and a leather jacket. She was wearing her black hair in perfectly careless waves and of course that she was wearing her signature red lipstick. She looked fierce and gorgeous. She snapped her fingers in front of his face, taking him out of his daze. ''Let's get going.'' He just followed her. Morgan wondered why she couldn't go alone, in her own car. More than anything she just wanted to avoid getting in a closed space with Sebastian Stan. Also, running him over with her Porsche was tempting. He unlocked his car and Morgan immediately went and opened the door herself, not giving him a chance to be a gentleman. Two months ago, the perspective of getting into a car with Sebastian Stan was part of her wildest dreams. Now, she just wanted to be anywhere else, specially at Broadway, seeing Daniel Radcliffe's new play. ''Look, I know we're not on the best of terms but...'' he started. ''Just save it. None of us want to be here, okay? Just make it easier for both of us and don't say a thing. I don't really want to hear your voice right now.'' she put her headphones on and started listening to something that Sebastian thought it was electronic music. She was actually listening to Ed Sheeran. His voice was the only thing that soothed her enough not to open the door and jump out of the moving car. Maybe with a little bit of luck she was left stranded near Broadway. Sebastian had had many uncomfortable encounters with women before but this was one of the worse (if not the absolute worst) he could remember. Morgan was there, with her beautiful face totally expressionless, listening to music and probably thinking about all the places rather be than with him. Morgan's rejection hurt him a little. Maybe it was just his pride screaming for attention or... maybe he just wanted to know her better. It was a relief for both of them when they reached their destination. Madison Square Garden was as spectacular as always with bright lights everywhere, full of people and the atmosphere of utter enthusiasm. Someone else would be blinded by the place but not Morgan and Sebastian. They were made for this kind of environments. Morgan took her headphones off and looked at him. There was something different in her gaze. Not dislike or indifference but complicity. It was as if he could read her thoughts. She was inviting him to make the performances of their lives not only to make the world believe that they were friends but that they were a team to be wary of. ''Ready to shine?'' she asked. ''Completely.'' It was as if for a moment everything was perfect between them. Sebastian wished that it was always like that. They got off the car at the same time. The parking lot was empty but once they reached the doors, it was full of people, most of them photographers. They knew exactly what they needed to do: just talk, with sincere smiles on their faces and their body language should tell that they were having a great time. They were pulling this off to perfection. Flashes were surrounded them but they just acted as if they were invisible and kept talking. Their topic of conversation was the weather. Morgan had decided to play it safe. Any other kind of topic could spark a disagreement that was going to end in a fight, probably. They ended their conversation when they were finally guided into the VIP section. ''A question'' he stopped her in her tracks. ''Do we have to keep this sham in front of the others too?'' ''Of course. We're the real life versions of Sponge Bob and Patrick, okay?'' Of all the best friends duos she had to choose this one. ''Okay, Llewellyn, but we both know that Bob and Patrick were more than friends.'' Of all the things he could have said, or not said at all, this was his best comment. Shocking. ''Okay, so Sponge Bob and Sandy, happy? Now shut up and smile.'' This was probably the first civilized conversation he had had with Morgan Llewellyn. And it was about Sponge Bob. Well played, Sebastian, well played. Morgan spotted the rest of her cast mates who were looking at them with the weirdest glances ever. ''What the hell is this?'' Joe asked to Michael and Emily. ''Yesterday they wanted to decapitate each other and now they are all smiley and friendly. What the hell happened here?'' ''Ask them yourself because I really don't know.'' Emily couldn't believe her eyes. ''Hello, people!'' a happy Morgan greeted them. Sebastian was standing beside her, smiling. ''Hi'' Michael's eyes went from Morgan to Sebastian. ''Are you two friends now?'' he was the only one who was brave enough to ask that to them directly. ''Yes.'' it was Sebastian who answered. ''We had just a silly misunderstanding.'' he placed his hand between Morgan's shoulders. ''I was missing on an very special person.'' he looked at Morgan with a smile. ''Friends will be friends'' she said, shooting him a nice smile. Sebastian would have loved that this version of Morgan were her real self. She was adorable. It was sad to know that it was just an act. But he also knew that if the real Morgan had been like that, he'd have fallen in love with her in two seconds after meeting her. It was her personality that stood in the way. She had some intriguing vibes that had attracted Sebastian since the first minute and she was enigmatic. Without counting that she was absolutely gorgeous. She was a mess, but the kind of mess he liked. No one said much more because the match was about to start. He was wondering what Morgan was doing to him. ''Wait a second'' he stopped her again. ''How do we proceed?'' ''We just comment the match between us, react to it and cheer a little. Remember that you're supposed to be having the time of your life.'' They sat side by side, the others were still waiting for one of them to snap and start a fight in the middle of Madison Square Garden. But that moment was not going to come any time soon. ''Can you see how pretty they look when they're not fighting?'' Emily asked. ''They're an absolutely gorgeous pair.'' Michael was looking at them. Sebastian was showing something to Morgan on his phone and she was laughing. When the match started they did exactly what Morgan had said. Sebastian was commenting stuff from to her time to time and mostly talking to Morgan. It didn't look like a night out of a whole group but more like Sebastian and Morgan on a date. They were also cheering on the team, high fiving each other and pulling the stunt to perfection. Only they knew that this supposed friendship was fake. But even if none of them was ever going to admit it, they were having a really good time. At some point Morgan was filming some videos and sending them to Clint. She was in Madison Square Garden watching the New York Knicks with Sebastian Stan. This was Morgan's 2013 dream come true. Clint needed to know about this. Sebastian was shooting furtive glances to Morgan's phone to see who she was texting to. He was quite shocked to see that she was texting to a gorgeous dark haired man. So shocked that he spoke before thinking. ''Who is him?'' Morgan was going to answer with a snarky 'that's none of your business' but they were in public. And it was just Clint, it was no problem to reveal who he was. ''This is my brother, Clint.'' she zoomed on Clint's profile pic so Sebastian could see him better. He wanted to punch himself on the face. He could totally see the resemblance between the siblings: the same black hair, the same condescending smile and the same facial structure, as if them both were carved by the angels themselves. The only difference was in the eyes as Clint lacked Morgan's electrifying dark blue ones. ''Wow'' he mumbled. ''Is he a model?'' ''No. He's a rugby player.'' ''Where do people like you two come from? You two are just on another level of gorgeous.'' he was still speaking without thinking. ''Thank you'' she said, this time without sarcasm. She knew that Sebastian was being honest and she was quick at accepting praise, from whoever it came from. ''And we are from Wales.'' She left Sebastian processing something she didn't know and concentrated in a text from her brother. ''MSG may be cool and everything but tell me tomorrow. New season of Doctor Who just started. It has Sheffield, Jodie Whittaker, kebab being thrown, a new sonic screwdriver... damn, sis, I'm crying.'' ''Oh my God'' she mumbled. She couldn't believe that her favourite show has premiered and she wasn't watching it. ''Are you OK?'' Sebastian asked with concern. He may not be in the best terms with his co-star but if she felt bad or if she was uncomfortable he was going to do the impossible to help her. ''No, I mean yes but I missed the Doctor Who's season premiere.'' ''What is that?'' She was so shocked at missing the episode that she even forgot to accuse Sebastian as an uncultured swine for not knowing Doctor Who. ''A show that means a lot to me.'' So, Morgan Llewellyn was a geek, or something close to that. Interesting, he wouldn't have imagined that from her. It was entertaining to find little things about her. They watched the last quarter in silence but at the eyes of the world they seemed interested in the match. But they were lost in their thoughts. Morgan was cursing herself. How could she had forgotten about Doctor Who? And even if she had remembered, there was nothing that she could have done to watch it because she'd have had to be stuck there with Sebastian, one way or another. Sebastian's thoughts were completely different. He was thinking about Morgan. He still haven't made up her mind about her and it was a much deeper thing that simply liking or disliking her. When he had seen her for the first time it was like love and hate at first sight. Morgan was special in all the ways, good and bad. He knew that there was more about her than what he had seen, who she really was behind that superstar mask. Somehow, and he didn't have a reasonable explanation to this, he felt a connection with her. He wanted her out of his life as soon as possible but at the same time he wanted to keep her near him forever. Sometimes he wished he'd never met her but at the same time he felt that meeting her was the biggest blessing of his life. It was like meeting his soulmate but with a sinister twist. She was everything he ever wanted but the last thing he needed. But what was he doing thinking about soulmates when he already had a girlfriend? But he was pretty sure that no matter how hard he tried, Florence wasn't his soulmate. He was more confused than ever. On one side he had the prospect of a peaceful life with Florence. It was nice and everyone would be more than pleased to have something like this in their lives. But on the other side there was Morgan who was the embodiment of endless excitement. She was someone that could never be domesticated, never, in a million years, of that Sebastian was sure. Just getting Morgan to like him was a challenge, he couldn't begin to imagine how hard would be to convince her to date him one day. It was like choosing with his heart or with his brain. If the next three months he'd had the chance of making that choice, he had the answer clear. He'd go with his heart and jump straight into Morgan Llewellyn's chaotic web. He didn't know how much time he had spent thinking all this stuff and staring at Morgan's perfect side profile but the rest of the cast had noticed and were even mumbling the words of Alicia Keys' song Fallin' as a joke. Thankfully Morgan was too concentrated in the game to notice. ''Should we take a selfie to proclaim to the world our undying friendship?'' she asked with a voice full of sarcasm. ''Of course. Nothing would make me happier'' he had the same level of sarcasm in his voice as hers. They looked so happy in the picture that no one would have guessed that their emotions were fake as hell. When the game ended, the only thing they wanted was to leave. Sebastian was finally shaking those weird thoughts off his mind and just wanted to be away from Morgan. But at the same time he was disappointed that the night had ended so quickly. Damn his contradicting mind.

P.S. Thanks to everyone that’s been reading and liking this stuff. It means a lot to me. I think we all want our life to be like Morgan, especially me at this exact moment. Sometimes I wonder why did I have to grow up and deal with this bullshit called life and I think that the last time I was truly happy was back in 2008 singing High School Musical songs with no worries in the world. But I have two options: curl into a ball and cry or grab life by the balls like Seb would do. I think I’m going for the second option. Well, I needed to get that out of my chest. And also writing this stories give me life and make me a lot happier so thanks for reading.;)

[ellana-ravenwood]

Take care of my Babies or you’ll die - Wonder Woman x Reader

Summary : Diana has a deep distrust of Men’s World’s doctors, and have trouble letting them handle her pregnant girlfriend. 

I lost the original message but this story is for @freethecagedeggs. Also, Imma indulge @loverandomness2 because she’s been asking for this for a long time and I’m finally writing it :-). 

PART 2

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

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You couldn’t wait for all of this to be over. 

For the baby to finally arrive. 

Not because pregnancy was displeasing, in fact, you were one of those lucky women that had a smooth one. 

You only had a few morning sickness, you weren’t too tired, it didn’t hurt much (yet)...The only thing you had was your weird cravings but, then again, pickles and ice cream was a thing you ate together even before being pregnant. 

Nope. You don’t want all of this to be over because it’s difficult and tiring...But because your damn girlfriend cannot give you or anyone approaching you of a few feet a single break ! 

“(Y/N), don’t do this it could hurt the baby !”, “(Y/N) eat this it’s good for the baby”, “(Y/N), please babe, do this exercice it’s good for our little one”...The worst was how annoying she became whenever you had a doctor appointment. 

Oh. My. God.

************

When you and Diana decided to become parents, you settled for a sperm donor instead of adoption, because it was just easier, it would take less time and trouble...You also decided that you should be the one bearing the child, kind of unsure how things would work with Diana (after all, she had been made out of clay and given life by Zeus...). 

At first, everything went smoothly. 

You were both just too damn excited. And all your friends were extremely supportive. Of course they were. 

Your older brother, Bruce, helped you through so many hard times in your life, he definitely wasn't about to give up on you (no matter what some stuck up rich people thought about him for doing so...damn you guys lived in the XXIst century, what was the problem of a same sex couple adopting ?!), and he would never admit it because he wasn’t the cheesy type of man but...He already loved his future nephew/niece deeply. 

The day he brought you a teddy bear that looked astonishingly like the one you had when you were a kid, that exact teddy bear your dad gave you to “help you through any difficult times” (and it really did...whenever you were sad, for example missing your parents dearly, you’d hug the hell out of that bear and it would make you feel so much better), and when Bruce told you it was difficult to find the same one you had as a kid and it took him a lot of time and effort to do so, but you and your future child were definitely worth it...You teared up. You lied by saying your hormones were messing around with your emotions, and acted like it was not a big deal but...It meant the world that your beloved older brother would go through all that trouble just for a teddy bear for your baby.  

Alfred also made you tear up when he started to cry and oh god, the hug he gave you was the best you ever received...And you could have smothered your nephews to death with the embrace you gave them when they got all excited and cute about having a cousin...

Clark made a joke about how your son/daughter could join his boy, Jon, and your brother’s son, Damian, to form a new trinity and...The look Diana gave them shut them up. 

She had NO INTENTION on letting her baby get in any danger, which meant she’d never train her or him to fight, just to defend herself/himself. This made your eyes roll so hard. If your future child was going to be anything like you or Diana, you just knew she or he couldn’t keep away from fighting for what was right for long. You wouldn’t be surprise to see him/her actually forming a new trinity with your best friends’ children, and becoming a mighty...your girlfriend was having none of it. 

No. Her kid was NOT going to fight. Ever. Nope. Double nope. By Hades she would never allow it. When you told her though, that she sounded exactly like her mother, she stopped talking about it, but you knew she really had her mind settled on the “no fighting for my baby” thing. And deep down, you wished your future child would indeed never have to fight, but you also knew that it was somehow inevitable with parents like hers/his. 

************

The day of your first doctor appointment was an absolute nightmare. You had fought ALL DAY about it with Diana. She wanted you to go to Themyscira with her so that the healers over there could take care of you but no, you were having none of that...What, the only babies they helped gave birth to were made of clay ! Hell they actually never helped anyone to give birth ! Nope, you were going to a “normal” doctor, and that was that. 

Sitting in the car your brother rented for you (with a chauffeur and all), she was pouting next to you, arms crossed, and was looking away from you.

-Diana, how long are you going to act like a damn child ? 

-I’m acting like a child ?! You’re acting like a child (Y/N) ! 

-No, you’re the 3000 years old immature one right now ! 

-Oh don’t “3000 years old” me I have reasons not to trust your doctors !

-They’re not just my doctors, and go ahead then, tell me your reasons !

When you see her face changing from a mild annoyance to pure sadness, you immediately regret asking her...And when she tells you, you feel like a total asshole : 

-It’s...it’s just that...During wars...During the first and second World War, doctors would make decisions that I did not agree with. They would decide to cut someone’s limbs off while it could still be saved, they would decide to stop trying to revive someone while he still had a chance, they would...They would play God, and I do not like that. I know they had tough decisions to make, but they could have...they could have...I don’t know...

Your hand on her thigh startles her, as she got lost (once again) in the dark thoughts of what she witnessed during the two great wars. You know she still suffers from PTSD, though since she got with you it’s better...

-Diana, my love, I don’t...I Can’t...I can’t imagine what you and your friends went through during those wars. I know..I know you lost a lot of people, I know you still miss them, especially Steve but...Things have changed. I’m not going to go see a doctor and they’ll decide to just like, get rid of the baby or something. They’re not in a rush anymore. And they’re mostly good people who do that because it’s their passion to help others...Please, trust me babe. 

Her hand covering yours on her thigh, and squeezing it lightly is the only response she can give you right now. And the love shining in her eyes is enough. Of course she’ll trust you. If you say it’s ok, then so be it...She twists her body in her seat to go and kiss you, and you respond eagerly. 

And in a second, all her worries are gone, even the memories of the man she used to love, Steve Trevor, fade away, as there’s only you that counts now. You, and your future child. And oh how sweet your kiss was...

************

You thought you managed to reassure her. You though she’d be fine. But oh you were wrong. 

The first appointment went well, as the doctor didn’t really had to touch you. He explained how the future 9 months would unfold, and you listened intently. You had to admit that it was kind of funny to see Diana, in your peripheral vision, glare at your gynecologist. You were pretty sure she didn’t listen to a word he had to say, as she was too focus on sending murderous looks his way. 

It confused greatly your nice doctor, and when you both left and Diana whispered (unknowing of you of course) : “If you hurt in any way my wife or my baby, I’ll kill you”, he freaked out a little bit. 

Diana was already quite protective of you usually but oh, oh the fact that you were now bearing her child made everything worst. You were pretty sure that if she could put mattresses on the floor everywhere you went so that you could never hurt yourself, she would do it. 

It was awful. And it got even worst when your brother and nephews joined in. Only Alfred was treating like before. But oh your family ? They were driving you crazy with all their worries and such. 

Whenever someone came in a radius of 1 foot of you, Diana would glare at them and scare them away (you still remember that poor waitress that ran away because Diana send her a murderous gaze while all she wanted was fill your coffee cup)...She was turning into some kind of monster because of all of this. Your sweet, naive and nice girlfriend was in full on “I need to protect my babies” mode. Primal instinct took over her and...god you hated it. 

You always hated the fact that your brother would always somehow protect you, so now that it was your girlfriend, your girlfriend that always knew you could defend yourself so far ? It was tough. 

She never felt the need to protect you. You were, after all, the Batman’s sister, and his equal. She knew you could handle yourself. But now that you were pregnant ? Her eyes were on you each steps you took, just to make sure you’d be safe...And your brother was giving her tips as to how to do it without you noticing much ! AND THE FOOLS THOUGHT YOU WERE ACTUALLY NOT NOTICING THEIR LITTLE GAME !! OH MY GOD IT WAS MADDENING ! 

************

And Diana was still wary of doctors. 

She almost broke the end of the one that was following you when he went to touch your belly that was starting to swell up...

Oh and the freak out she had when you took the first ultra-sound. You explained to her what it was, and yet...Still freaking out. 

-WHAT IS THIS ?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY ?! 

The doctor was so frightened that he didn’t even had the strength to answer (her freak out had been going out for a good twenty minutes already) and so, with a sigh and a look of apology to the man, you said : 

-I told you Diana, it’s ok, it’s nothing. Just an ultra-sound, it...

-An ultra-son ? We’re having a boy ? What does it mean for him to be “ultra” ? And what...

With another roll of your eyes, you cut her off before she looses it and say :

-Ultra-sounD. It’s just to check if the baby is ok. 

-...How ? 

You look at the doctor, who was just looking at you two, completely stunned (on what kind of crazy people did he fell that time ?), and after a few seconds of you and your girlfriend staring at him, he understands that he has to talk...And so he does. He explains exactly what an ultra sound is, and Diana calms down. 

She actually looks genuinely interested. Though whenever the doctor touches you she gives him very dirty looks, when he points out your baby, your little one;..You can visibly see a tear in her eyes.

************

A boy. It’s a boy. 

And so it seems like the Waynes’ will only have boys in the family...You’re totally fine with that. Besides, if you ever decide to have another kid, maybe it’ll be a girl ? 

By now Diana is reassured about the ultra-sounds but...Whenever the doctor do something she deem suspicious, she gets between him and you and, because she’s a damn tall woman and your doctor is ridiculously short, she stares him down and ask a detailed explanation of what he’s about to do before letting him do anything...It’s cute and very annoying at the same time. 

Fortunately, you fell on the only doctor probably that went along and explained each time, very patiently and all, as he understood by now that if she reacted that way it was because she was very worried for you and the baby (though he still didn’t get why she kept referring to him as a “Men’s World’s doctor”...). 

He had to admit though, there were few moments he was genuinely scared for his life, but whenever “Diana” was getting a bit too extreme, too protective, too questioning..You’d set her straight and, with a kiss to her forehead or cheek or even lips, she’d calm down completely and be relaxed for the rest of the appointment. 

It like you were magical, the only one that could soothe her...and that’s exactly what you were. Diana would have never accepted any “Men’s World’s doctors” to take care of the birth of her baby, not after what she saw during the wars, and she “endured” it only for you, because she loved you too damn much and the power you had over her should frighten her but...it just seemed to make her feel happier than ever. 

************

You’re both wrapped around each other, her arms slumped around you shoulders, legs tangled, your face in the crook of her neck and hers buried in your hair when...A weird wet sensation and a brutal shift in your attitude wakes her up. 

-The baby is coming. 

Is the only thing you have to tell her before, without thinking, she takes your suitcase you both prepared for the hospital, and, wrapping you in your robe, flies out of the window and takes you to the nearest hospital. Thanks god there was no witness or camera around...

************

Thankfully, Bruce arrived shortly after (the news quickly spread through Gotham City, that (Y/N) Wayne was in the hospital giving birth to a new member of the famous family), and was there to calm Diana down. 

Him and your nephews had to jump on her to stop her from bursting in the delivery room, and they only succeeded because Bruce told her that it would be dangerous to enter the place without being sterilized before ! 

But your screams (you arrived too late for an epidural anesthesia) were a torture to her, and oh she wanted to run into the room to kick everyone’s ass for not helping you better !! She sat on the floor, wrapping herself in her arms, knees to her chin, trying to ignore your screams of pain, that reminded her way too much of what she heard on the battlefield...

Thankfully, your brother was there, and your nephews too. They gave her their support. They gave their “sister” and aunt all their love, all their attention. Hugging her close to their heart, making sure she’d feel better as you were giving birth to your first child. 

************

-Can we...Can we call him Thomas ? Like my father...

You ask shyly. You two never actually discussed name and you were somewhat afraid that she’d refused but...of course she doesn’t. She understands. She knows how close you were from your dad, how much you miss him even now, years and years after his death...And so, Thomas it is. 

Thomas Steven Prince-Wayne. 

It’s a ridiculously long name. But oh it fits him so well. It’s a royal name, and it’s perfect for him. Him and his tiny hands that already tries to grab everything...

Thomas Steven Prince-Wayne. 

The name makes headline of every newspaper the next day. 

His eyes are already opening, and he reacts each time he ears you or Diana. He visibly moves whenever his mothers’ voice resonate in the room...Each times, it makes him fall asleep peacefully. 

He doesn’t cry, and you’re convinced it’s because of the Teddy Bear Bruce brought...He doesn’t cry, and Diana is sure it’s because he takes after your calm nature. He doesn’t cry and it worries the both of you a bit but...

It’s a perfectly healthy boy. 

Thomas Steven Prince-Wayne. 

When Diana holds him for the first time, when the doctor she distrusted so much finally puts him in her arms...She’s speechless. 

Her son. It’s her son...Her tiny baby...

She already loves him more than anything else in the world (except for you maybe), and when she whispers a low “thank you” to the doctor she despised all those months, he knows why he’s doing this job. 

She tries her best not to cry, but she cannot help it. 

Sitting on the side of your bed, she cries. Cries and cries some more as she holds her tiny son against her heart. 

You wipe her tears with the tip of your fingers, weak, but not weak enough to not care for her, and as she lays her boy back in his crib because he fell asleep as she was whispering words of love to him, she lays down besides you and you two fall asleep in each others’ arms. 

Thomas Steven Prince-Wayne. 

A ridiculously long name. For a boy destined to do ridiculously great things. 

Fin (?).

________________

I’m afraid I got Diana out of character, and I feel like I didn’t make the relationship between Diana and reader sweet or believable enough...And afraid that meh. It’s kind of a mess. Uh. UH. Thanks for reading anyway...Hope you aren’t disappointed. 

Also I have another request with the sentence starter “where is our child” with Wonder Woman, and should I use this particular kid, Thomas, or start from scratch ? You choose. Basically, do you want a “part 2″ ?

[5hfanfiction]

Hard Feelings/Loveless

“When you’ve outgrown a lover, the whole world knows but you.”

* * *

One week has passed, and Camila doesn’t feel any less nauseous than before.

Though, this time, the sickness/nervousness/gross-feeling-ness is more from the fact that Camila is being ushered into some small, vacant coffee shop. 

At least, vacant save for Dinah Jane Hansen.

The blonde is sitting at a table in the far back (not like it matters though, since the coffee shop has exactly one light on and a sign is hanging on the front door clearly stating, CLOSED). She’s tapping away at her phone, her fake nails noticeable even from this distance. To top it all off, she has a venti iced coffee from Starbucks sitting on the table.

Typical Dinah.

Everything about this feels so familiar, so normal. It’s just Camila and Dinah hanging out. It’s just two friends hanging out. It’s totally normal.

And yet, with each step Camila takes towards Dinah, her heartbeat grows louder and louder in her ears. It’s pounding so hard that by the time she reaches the table, Camila barely hears Dinah’s greeting. Her hands shake as she slips into the seat across from the girl.

Dinah is staring at her.

Shit. Camila clears her throat. Dinah said something, right?

“Sorry,” Camila mumbles. “I-“

“You weren’t listening because your anxiety is ‘bubbling up inside you and clogging your ears’?”

Another inside joke the two girls used to share. Camila always used to get massive anxiety on tour, and every time Dinah would ask her if she’s okay she wouldn’t hear her, simply shaking her head and then apologizing, explaining that her anxiety was indeed bubbling up inside her and clogging her ears.

Camila smiles, but her mouth definitely runs dry at the memory.

“Relax, Mila,” Dinah reaches a hand out, and Camila takes it gratefully. “The shop is closed, the lights are dim. No one’s going to see us, and even if someone does peep in through the window it’s not like they can get a photo of us or even sneak inside.” She nods to the suited man behind Camila, standing by the door.  “You’re not gonna get shot, either. California is pretty safe these days.”

Instantly, Camila is hit with another wave of guilt. She retracts her hand from Dinah’s and looks over her shoulder. “I’m sorry about him-…I-…my manager-“

“Camila!” Dinah chuckles, then-seeing the solemn look on Camila’s face-smiles sadly. “I’m joking. Seriously. You’re fine.”

But she isn’t fine. Camila’s mouth twitches. The last person in the world who should be giving Camila the time of day is sitting across from her, paying off the owner of some cheap coffee shop for a day just to have a real, genuine conversation.

Camila whistles at her so-called security guard and tells him to take a walk around the block. When the suited man begins to argue, she digs into her purse and waves a Benjamin. The suited man sighs, shakes his head and walks out, making sure to slam the door behind him.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.” Dinah rolls her eyes.

Camila gives her a look, raises a brow. “Sure.”

And for the first time in what genuinely feels like forever, the two girls smile at each other- not forced, not awkward. Real smiles. Real happiness. Camila hasn’t felt that in a while.

Of course, all that comes crashing down once Dinah reminds her why she even set this meeting up in the first place.

Before Camila can say anything, Dinah puts a hand up. 

“Look, you have to promise me something.” She sighs. “This is obviously about Lauren- we’ve already established that. But you have to promise that you don’t have feelings for her still. Nothing romantic between you two can come out of this, okay? The band won’t survive it. Your career won’t survive it. I won’t survive it.”

All color drains from Camila’s face. This entire situation has never been about Lauren solely, but rather it was her actions that amplified the edges to Fifth Harmony’s strikes at Camila. Camila has always cared, but Lauren just…made everything even more painful, if that makes sense.

She’ll be honest. She misses the girl’s presence. But feelings for her? That’s something that really hasn’t crossed her mind…

“No,” Camila clears her throat, trying to not remember all the times Camila and Lauren’s ‘relationship’ got in the way of Fifth Harmony’s career. The echoes of slammed hotel-room doors and exchanged shouting send a chill down her back.

Dinah raises a brow. “It’s okay if you do, you know, have feelings for her. You two were as on and off as a light. I just have to make sure you two sort everything out before getting Ally and Mani involved.”

“We weren’t ‘on and off’.” Camila says it unexpectedly, both to Dinah and herself. “We never even…dated.”

“Bullshit.”

“Things were complicated! That doesn’t mean we were actually a thing.”

Dinah raises her brow higher. In all honesty, Camila isn’t totally stretching the truth. She still remembers the first time Lauren told her she had feelings for the girl, back in 2013 when Fifth Harmony was just taking off. Camila didn’t respond for a minute, and Lauren took that as a cue to move in on her. But Camila pulled away from the kiss. Her eyes were wide. She was only sixteen, barely seventeen? She didn’t know what team she played for, not even then. It comes down to this: Camila was scared, because she liked the kiss, but not what it meant for her identity. Not what it meant for a teenager who’d always thought they were purely straight. 

That was the first time Lauren pulled away. Between 2013 and late 2014, the two girls were as distant as friends who moved away to different colleges, always texting each other that they should catch up soon, but never actually setting a date. Camila hated it, grew to hate herself. This process would repeat itself in 2015, when now it was Camila demonstrating feelings for Lauren. But now there was the added pressure from fans, deeming the girls’ relationship more real than Lauren and Camila could actually fathom. Camila still remembers how Lauren would kiss her one night, then tell her the next that she wants things to work out, wants a relationship, but that she’s still scared of how fans might react. “If things were different…”

And 2016? God, Camila isn’t even ready to approach that year yet.

“Okay,” Camila sighs. “So there were times we got together, yeah. But it was never anything concrete. You know that from all the times I cried to you on tour.”

“Mhmm, there it is,” Dinah chuckles. She then grows serious for a second, still with a lingering smile on her face. “Look, you just have to be straight with me. Do you still have feelings for her? Are you still…in love with her?”

Her last question makes Camila want to throw up. Defiant, she shakes her head. 

“No, there’s nothing there for us anymore.”

“Good!” Dinah claps her hands, smiling widely. “Cause’ Lauren should be here in about five-“ She checks her phone. “Oh, actually, about two minutes.”

Camila blinks.

“The two of you need to work things out, okay? This is the first step. I’ll make sure to lock the doors and shit so she can’t run away as per usual.”

Camila blinks again.

“It’ll be okay, Mila.”

Camila blinks so many times at least three eyelashes falls out. 

“Why-“ She struggles to form words without screaming, sweat suddenly forming above her brow. “Why would you- even-“

“Go to the bathroom, alright? Calm yourself down, drink some water. This was the only way to get the two of you together.” Dinah helps Camila out of her seat, ushering her down the coffee shop’s back hall and into the bathroom. “You got this. I’ll be here the whole time moderating.”

Camila leans her weight on the bathroom sink, only breathing once Dinah leaves. 

This isn’t actually happening, right? She looks at herself in the mirror, and after seeing her pale face up close she has to wipe the mirror with her sleeve, her breath fogging up the glass.

She goes over her options.

1.) Call the random security guard her manager hired for help.

2.) Jump out the bathroom window.

3.) Tweet her location and get fans to rush the shop, forcing Dinah and Lauren to leave through the back.

4.) Go out and face Lauren like a damn adult.

Options 1 through 4 are the most desirable, and if circumstances were different, perhaps Camila would choose them. But as much as she’s terrified of Lauren, this entire situation began because Lauren was acting immature. Acting like a child.

Camila refuses to be a hypocrite (again). She has to do this, for better or for worse.

As she’s walking back down the hall, she hears Lauren’s voice, practically screaming at Dinah. Camila leans against the wall, making sure to not be seen.

“I’m not fucking doing this. And you know what? You of all fucking people have a lot of nerve agreeing to meet with her in the first place-!”

“Just chill, okay? It’s not that big of a deal-“

“Not that big of a deal?! Jesus, how fucking stupid can you-“

Silence. Lauren sighs, her voice lower. “I’m sorry. I’m not doing this. I want nothing to do with her-“

“And she wants nothing to do with you either, Laur. But she’s tired of being treated like shit for things that happened nearly a year ago. And honestly? I’m tired of it too. You’ve been acting like a child and while Ally and Mani won’t tell you to your face, it’s exhausting. It’s a bad look. Just fucking fix things, please?”

“I’m not the one who broke them.“

Camila takes that as her cue to appear. She feels incredibly small as she inches around the wall, like a child intruding on their parents arguing. Her hands wring each other as she takes in Lauren.

Camila should be hit with that wave of what used to be. Of this is what I’ve been missing my entire life. Of this is the person who I used to love. Who I still might love.

But all Camila gets from this version of Lauren are feelings of worry, concern. For one thing, Lauren’s bags beneath her eyes are so dark, not even the $100 concealer (Camila would know, since Lauren constantly raved about this specific concealer and how it worked wonders despite it’s price) covers them up. Her hair is brushed and knot-free, but it’s lackluster, and definitely thinner than Camila’s last seen. Finally, Lauren’s skin is paler than usual- which should be a warning, since Lauren is normally pale…Camila thought it was impossible for the girl to get even paler. 

Honestly, Lauren looks sick; like she’s been in bed for weeks, surviving on nothing but soup and crackers. And yet once she opens her mouth to speak, Camila feels that spark of warmth. Even in her worst moments, Lauren is still so beautiful.

It’s unsettling.

“Are you going to sit or did Dinah set this up just so you could stare at me for twenty minutes?”

Camila blinks, opens her mouth to say something, but closes it and clumsily slides into the chair across from Lauren. She can barely look at the girl, now that her staring has been pointed out, so she focuses on her hands below the table, wringing and wringing-

“So this is productive,” Lauren sighs and begins tapping her nails (unpainted) against the table. “Nothing’s going to get solved unless you talk. I don’t know why I’m here.” Camila looks up at Lauren, instantly pierced by the girl’s pale green eyes. “But you do, apparently,” Lauren finishes.

 Camila sighs a shaky breath. She can do this, right? It’s just Lauren. I mean, yeah, Lauren’s intimidating, but like. It’s Lauren. The same Lauren Camila’s had dance parties to the Camp Rock album with. The same Lauren Camila’s slept with-

Okay. Bad thought. Camila clears her throat.

“I-“ Shit. This is harder than Camila thought it would be. She purses her lips, then tries again. “I wanted to settle things like adults.”

It’s not exactly what Camila wanted to say, but it’ll do. At least, that’s what she hopes until Lauren chuckles dryly. 

“Right,” She raises a brow. “We settled things ages ago, Camila. This isn’t about settling past issues, and you know it. You just want to stop being called out on your shit.” She leans forward. “Well, guess what? Maybe you should have thought about the repercussions of your actions before-“

“Lauren.” Dinah says in a low voice, eyes flickering from Lauren, all highbrowed and defiant, to Camila, holding back tears. “This isn’t some opportunity to attack Camila. You’re supposed to be resolving things.”

“And what is there to resolve, Dinah?” Lauren hunches her shoulders, smiling in amusement at her words. But Camila is beginning to see through it. Lauren’s voice is thinner, for one. All fake words and fake confidence. No substance. Lauren continues, “You know all she wants is to feel better about herself since that’s all she ever thinks about-“

“Lauren!”

“-She’s a fucking snake!” Lauren gestures a hand at Camila, eyes focused on Dinah. “All she’s ever cared about since the beginning is bettering her image, her solo career. She never gave a damn about you, and she sure as hell never cared about me-“

“Enough!” Camila shouts, slamming her hands down on the table. Oxygen barely gives her enough strength to spit out words. “You and I both know I’m not the fucking villain here. You messed up too. You fucking made mistakes too. Let’s not act like the main reason this group fell apart wasn’t because you couldn’t fucking get over me.”

She doesn’t mean to say it, if she’s being honest. But she does, and her words are quickly becoming gasoline, her mouth a furnace. All blazing flames and nothing else.

“You turned everyone against me because I wasn’t ready for a relationship with you. You’re masking your missing me with hate and shame, like what I did was that fucking bad. It’s all petty bullshit. Cut the fucking act and face the truth: you’re still not over me. That’s really why you’re so fucking livid all the time when it comes to me.”

For the first time, Lauren is completely stumped for words. She blinks a few times, her lips shrinking to a tight line. Her jaw clenches, and when she finally speaks a few minutes later, her eyes stay on Camila the entire time.

“Dinah,” She says, her voice suddenly hoarse. “Give us some alone time. We need to talk about something.”

“Um,” Dinah raises a brow. “Yeah, no. You’re crazy if you think I’m leaving you two alone.”

“I’m done attacking her, okay?” She finally glances at Dinah, eyes suddenly a brighter green. “I just want to talk to her. Alone.”

“I’m more worried about you giving her a black eye than anything else.”

“Please,” Lauren sighs. She locks her eyes back on Camila. “I would never hit her.”

Camila almost feels touched-

“A black eye would be hard to explain to her fans. And besides, there’s a suited man standing outside the shop who only let me in once I told him I was here to meet you and showed him my ID. I think she’ll survive.”

Camila feels another wave of guilt slip down her throat.

Dinah agrees to leave, squeezing Camila’s shoulder and saying she’ll just be around the block. She tells her to call or text if anything goes wrong. Camila nods, still unable to rid herself of that about-to-cry feeling.

Dinah leaves.

Lauren stares at Camila.

Camila stares back.

“So,” Lauren finally says after a while. “Let’s talk, then.”

* * *

I remember the rush, when forever was us. Before all of the winds of regret and mistrust.

* * *

“I’m sorry.”

The words come easily, without any prompt. Yet when they do come, Camila is still left with that feeling of roughness in her throat, like she’s swallowed sandpaper. She looks at Lauren for a response, feeling more vulnerable than ever, but all she’s met with is a stony face, unmoving eyes and lips.

“I’m sorry for how everything ended…both with the group and us. I made mistakes, and I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I didn’t.” Camila shrugs. “There are so many things I regret, Lauren. So many things I wish I could go back in time and fix. But we both know I can’t, and that’s why I’m telling you now: I know I’ve made mistakes. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t own up to them.”

She waits for a response, her eyes never fraying once from Lauren’s own. For a good five minutes, Lauren merely purses her lips, tapping her nails against the table.

And then finally: “I don’t know what you want me to say, okay? You’re the one who chose to leave the group. You’re the one who decided to attend one therapy session before abandoning us. You’re the one who was always too scared to-“ Lauren stops herself, sighing.

“No, say it,” Camila urges. She knows exactly what the girl wants to say.

“You were always too scared to actually face your feelings for me.” 

Okay. Not totally a lie. Not totally a huge blow. Camila breathes, nods, says Lauren is right, says she’s sorry.

Then Lauren chuckles. “Is that all you’re going to say? You’re sorry?”

“What else do you want me to say? It’s not like I can take it all back-“

“But you wouldn’t, would you?” Lauren crosses her arms, still smiling in disbelief. “You wouldn’t change your leaving the group. You wouldn’t have stayed.”

“I left because we all had differences and you turned everyone against me-“

“You turned everyone against yourself. Stop playing the victim!”

That’s Camila’s breaking point, and it’s obvious as to why. At least twice a day Camila thinks about the tweets she’d received from fans the week following her departure from the group. Stop playing the victim. Stop making this about you. Again and again-

But you know what? Maybe she has the fucking right to act like the victim. 

“Are you seriously going to act like you didn’t treat me like shit every time I didn’t reciprocate your feelings?” Camila gestures with her hands. “Like you didn’t go crying to Ally or Mani or even Dinah every time we had a fallout? Like you didn’t rant to them about how terrible I was for breaking your heart?”

Lauren seems to shrink into herself. “That’s irrelevant.”

“Bullshit! Jesus, and you tell me I have to deal with the repercussions of my actions? You’re a hypocrite. You just want to blame everything on me so you can forget the fact that you were ever in love with me.”

Camila is heaving by the time she’s done, her words having taken all of her oxygen. There’s a brief silence where Lauren looks away from Camila, her eyes nearly closed. 

“You left.” She mumbles, so quietly that Camila has to ask the girl to repeat herself.

“You left!” Lauren meets Camila’s eyes, allowing the girl across from her to see her holding back tears. “You fucking messed everything up and you just- you just left us! You left me, Camila, after you swore you’d never do such a thing without at least fucking talking to me!”

Shit. Camila catches her breath. She’s not gonna lie, she really wants to refute an argument. She did, in her defense, try to talk to Lauren about leaving, but the girl refused to talk to her. Camila truly felt like her time with Fifth Harmony, and with Lauren, was over. They all hated her, didn’t they? She thought everyone’s lives would be easier if Fifth Harmony became a quartet.

But maybe, to some extent, Lauren is right. Camila could’ve texted Lauren. Could’ve left her a note before breaking her contract. Could’ve tried harder to get through to the girl. Shit.

“Laur-“

“Forget it.” Lauren runs a hand over her face, and makes a move to gather her purse and her phone. “You’re right, I did some shitty stuff too. But so did you. So I guess we’re even.”

“Lauren-“ 

Lauren’s out of her seat now. “I’ll keep your name out of my mouth.” Her voice is trembling. “Definitely over you now.” 

“Lauren, wait!” Camila starts after the girl, but Lauren is already running like a marathoner, several feet away by the time Camila makes it out the coffee shop. 

But of course, Camila hasn’t made it this far only to lose Lauren. Again.

“Lauren!” Camila runs so fast her heart feels like it’s literally going to jump out of her chest, her lungs collapsing before it. “Please don’t do this, come on-“

Lauren yells something about leaving her alone, but Camila’s too far to make it out exactly. To make matters worse, rain begins pouring from the sunlit sky.

Fucking typical. Camila sighs, forcing herself to run even faster. Finally, the rain disrupts Lauren enough to make her stop and pull over the hood of her jacket, thinking that Camila’s too far to catch up now.

But jokes on her, cause Camila is right there behind her. She latches onto Lauren’s arm, yelling, “You know you can’t run away from this again. I won’t let you-“

Camila doesn’t have enough time to study Lauren’s face in-depth when she turns around. She remembers seeing the brunette’s shoulders shaking, maybe a pink nose. But, honestly, what can you really take in before being punched square in the face?

On being punched by the girl you used to love:

1.) Punch back.

2.) Cry.

3.) Curse her out.

4.) Cry AND curse her out.

5.) Walk away.

6.) ????? Um?????

Camila chooses a variation of option 5. She holds the edge of her palm up to her right eye, looking at Lauren through the left one. She curses. She already knew Lauren didn’t mean to do it, that it was just a fight-or-flight reaction, but that doesn’t stop Lauren from completely freaking out. The girl looks down at her knuckles, shaking, and she looks back up at Camila with wide eyes and a dropped jaw.

“I didn’t- I didn’t- Camila- I-“

But there’s no time for Lauren to apologize. The two girls hear it perfectly loud and clear: “YO HOLY SHIT! Lauren just popped Camila in the face! Did you get that on camera?” 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Camila instantly latches back onto Lauren’s arm, ushering the girl to walk with her back to their hotel not too far away. They can’t really run anymore, their lungs sore and legs weak, but they at least keep up a gentle speed-walk. When Camila and Lauren hear the sound of camera’s clicking get closer, Lauren doesn’t miss a beat. She unzips her jacket, sliding out of one half of it so that she can pull the other half onto Camila, covering the two girls successfully.

Neither of them say a word until they reach the hotel. In fact, once they reach the hotel Lauren still refuses to speak a word, simply dragging Camila along with her into what Camila assumes to be Lauren’s hotel room. She sits the girl down on one of the beds in the room, then walks over to the kitchen area and digs a carton of ice cream out of the freezer. She brings it to Camila, then returns to the kitchen area and begins boiling some coffee.

Lauren refuses to make eye contact, but Camila, again, refuses to allow it.

“I meant what I said out there, Lauren.” It’s hard to talk with a carton of ice cream in front of your face, so Camila briefly sets it down on her leg, wincing at it’s coldness. “You can’t run from this.”

Lauren keeps her eyes on the coffee machine, placing careful attention on filling a mug.

“If you’re not gonna talk to me, I’m just gonna leave.” Camila makes a move to get up from the bed, but Lauren instantly slams her coffee mug down and runs over to the girl, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

“Nonononono,” She eases Camila back onto the bed. “Your right eye is bruised shut. How can you expect to make it to your hotel room alone?”

“So now you care about me?” Camila says it without looking at Lauren, her voice as weak as the sun-shower still raging outside. 

Lauren sighs, then takes a seat on the bed across from Camila. She toys with her hands, wringing them out and- and Camila feels her heart drop. It’s the same exact nervous twitch Camila has, and she wonders now if that’s where Lauren got it from.

(She hopes that’s where she got it from.)

“I-“ Lauren begins, but her eyes get red and watery and she tilts her head down so Camila can’t see her cry. She buries her face in her hands, desperately trying to stop her tears. At this moment, Camila wants to hold Lauren, wants to reach out and rub her back or squeeze her hand or something. But she gets the feeling that Lauren needs to cry this out, needs to get her emotions out first, alone, before being able to actually hold a genuine conversation with Camila.

So Camila waits.

And waits.

And god, it’s so painful watching someone you used to care about for so much- someone you still care about for so much- in this kind of state. But after a few moments, Lauren regains her voice, wiping her face clear of any tear tracks.

“I’m sorry,” Lauren sighs, almost relieved, staring at Camila. “Everything you said back there-god-everything-“ She tears up again and her voice cracks. “I still can’t even own up to my own shit-!”

Here is where she begins crying again, though this time the breakdown is more venting, less emotion. More exhaustion, less pain. And so Camila feels comfortable reaching over and squeezing Lauren’s hand.

But right when Camila does, Lauren merely pulls the girl over into a hug, the two of them now on their feet. Camila doesn’t even blink. Her arms instinctively wrap around the taller girl’s waist, head fitting perfectly in the crook of her neck. 

No one thinks a single important thought. Right now, in this moment, every little thing is physical. The hug means more to them than either one will ever admit.

And they are both okay with that.

That is, until Dinah barges into the room, slamming the door behind her to make her entrance known. She leans back against the door, arms crossed and mouth fuming with too many words to say at once. She’s shaking her head, brow furrowed like a mother who’s about to lecture her kids.

And yet, all the while, Camila and Lauren don’t disconnect. They stay hugging, interlocked by one another’s arms, simply staring back at Dinah.

And, honestly: they are both okay with that.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 18.09.17 lb

god i hate sundari bua and really have to mentally prepare myself for her presence. so i took a nap. a very long one. i dreamt of puppies. good nap! 

ok fuck this nonsense of shivaay counselling rudra on his “relationship”. seriously. “milke jo saath ek dusre ka diya hai” my ass. kya saath? they met like 10 days ago or something. they’re the worst and flimsiest excuse of a couple this show has. ffs, tej and svetlana are more legit a couple, having been together this long. the show trying to shove this crap down my throat is making me hella mad. 😤😤😤

what’s wrong with shivaay, does he think you should fall in love with everyone who saves your life? then the first person you ppl should all fall in love with is khanna, since that’s his fucking job. 😒😒😒

snort, shivaay just said: 

sach mein, bhavya ke saath sex thodi kiya hai. TOH PROBLEM KYA HAI????????? 😟😟😟😟

THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION IS A FUCKING JOKE. SHIVAAY, DON’T YOU HAVE MORE PRESSING MATTERS TO ATTEND TO? LIKE GOING AND BEATING SOME SENSE INTO OMKARA? AND GETTING THAT VIDEO TO ANIKA? AND LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE BUT THIS????????? 😒😒😒

god fuck you shivaay, use your power to fucking bring my girl sumo back. ugh. 😑😑😑

oh now that his relationship has been going ok for like, literally 5 minutes, shivaay thinks he’s some kinda love expert and can counsel others. son, don’t forget your wife is still mad at you. bada aaya..... 🙄🙄🙄

bas karo yaar. this scene has like totally fucked my mood. 😤😤😤

billu is a victim of vanity just like the rest of us, watching his own video again. 😆😆😆

lol best part, the video is showing angles completely unachievable from where the camera was set up. 

tu jaane naaaaa. eeeeeeeeee. 😊😊😊

OH YESSSSSSSSS, ANGSTY!KARA. YES SON, STARE OUT THAT RAINY WINDOW ALL SAD. I LOVE IT. 😇😇😇😇

oh fuck the fuck off rudra. do not try and make it like your relationship is anything like the others. 😒😒😒

billu’s having some tharki thoughts while missing wife. 😏😏😏

omfg, omki keeps her favt candy in some kinda special bag?? 😧😧😧

OMFG RUDRA AND THE EGGS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? 😒😒😒😒🙄🙄🙄🙄

ok shivaayyyyyy, fucking just call your chopper and fly to her and sex her uppppppppp. 😫😫😫

dang, omki having some cheapda thoughts tooooo. 😏😏😏

i’m not even going to talk about rudra anymore. i’m too mad, and it’s a waste of time. 🙄🙄🙄

lol awwwww, omki trying the candy move. you can’t son. it can be done only by a special little bulbul. 😌😌😌

why is the fuck is billu alll lit up in orange in this show every time he gets horny? 🤔🤔🤔

i wish this whole montage was just rikara, coz oh god, they’re the fucking bestttttt. the angst, the feels, the amazingness. 😥😥😥😪😪😪

“hue na tum begane bhi hokar aur ke, dekho na tum mere hi bane” and “afsos hota hai, dil bhi yeh rota hai, sapne sanjota hai, pagla hua” on omki. cryyyyyyyyyyinggggg. 😭😭😭😭😭

ok, zerooooo set up to this “gauri goes to school” plot. straight off shivaay is just like get there at 11, k? 

i would have loved to see a kimmy schmidt type scene like this between shivri as he took her to school, hee hee hee. 😂😂😂

god shivaay, like, i get your intentions are good, and you want to empower gauri and all, but... jeez. talk to your idiot brother too??? 😒😒😒

loving how encouraging he’s being though. i love this relationship so fucking much. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

ugh these cute dorkssssssss. 😍😍😍😍😍

ok, how come gauri says “sharma” as “sssarma” and “request” as “requeSHt”... like come on. keep it consistent, ppl. 😒😒😒

wrong khan for the target audience, shivaay. she likes salman. 😐😐😐

also omg, shivaay’s watching bollywood movies these days. FOR ANIKA! 😭😭😭😭

fuck me sideways, i would take a bullet for these two, i would. 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫

lol shivaay struggling to translate “good luck” into hindi. (“shubhkamnayein”, billu.) 😂😂😂

god i hate bandari bua. 😒😒😒

OMFG SHE JUST SHOVED KHANNA. JEEZ. THROW HER THE F OUT, MAN. 😡😡😡

lmaooooo no she wont. anika would fucking throw you herself. 🙄🙄🙄

“anika ki bua? lagte ho. 😒😒😒” 

lmaooooooooooo pinky and her savage shade. 😂😂😂😂

dadi can smell the bs from a mile away. love it. LOVE IT. 😊😊😊

in this fight of despicable maternal figures, i’m definitely on team pinky. coz fuck, i hate buaji so fucking much. horrible woman. 😠😠😠

LMAO BUA LIPTOFYING AGAINST SHIVAAY HAHAHAHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣

and my god she threw herself against his chest so hard, i think she hit nakuul’s body mic, coz we actually hear some kinda thumpppp! sound. 😂😂😂

god shivaaaaaaay. she doesn’t deserve khaatirdaari. 😒😒😒

OMFG SHE’S BROUGHT FRIENDS. SHE’S SO TACKY AND I HATE HER. 😩😩😩

whaaaaat, omkara cooking???? 😧😧😧

lol it’s so obvious there’s nothing in the pan and kunal’s just stirring empty air. 😆😆😆

i love this red outfit of gauri’s but that dupatta is ughhh. 😐😐😐

DESSERT bana raha hoon. what dessert? gimme too, jaaneman. let me eat it off you. 😏😏😏👅👅👅

ok reigning in the tharki, sorry. 😳😳😳

“registaan bana rahe hai??” hee, cutie. 😚😚😚

god i want halwa now. 😣😣😣

omkiiiii be like GOING?? WHERE? YOU HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF PINING FOR ME? 😟😟😟😟

boy byeeeeeeee. she gone. 👋🏽👋🏽👋🏽👋🏽

buaji literally brought a whole fauj. ugh. 😒😒😒

lmao shivaay’s face as he regrets the decisions he’s made in the last 10 minutes. 😆😆😆

GOD, NOODLES AGAIN. MY GOD ARE THERE ANY NOODLES FUCKING LEFT IN CHINA, WITH THE AMOUNT THESE OBEROIS EAT???? MATLAB, KHUD KI MAGGI KI FACTORY DAALI HUI HAI KYA? IS THAT THE SECRET TO THE OBEROI FORTUNE? THEY OWN MAGGI????? 😑😑😑

lmaooooooooo klepto uncle just stole silverware right under shivaay’s nose. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

buaji imma need you to stfu and eat your food in silence. ya nasty piece of work. 😡😡😡

fwdingggggggggg coz can’t handle michmichi. also sick and tired of this moral science lesson. we fucking get it. billu’s a changed man now. 🙄🙄🙄

lo, aa gayi sundari apne mudde pe. 😒😒😒

pft, dadi, kabhi bina matlab bhi dhoonda karo gauri ko. khaali anika hi bahu nahi hai. 😑😑😑

god shut up pinky. what the fuck do you even care? 😒😒😒

dadi seems to have forgiven pinky? no more silent treatment. inviting her along for pooja related chores and all. 😐😐😐

shivaay’s straighttttt to the point. love it. 😊😊😊

oh stfu bua, everyone knows you’re here for cash. 😒😒😒

lmao buaji pretending she gives a fuck about sahil. bitch, do you even know where he is right now??? when was the last time you even saw him? 😠😠😠

haaaaaaa, bua’s needled shivaay into becoming SSO. i for one, welcome our tadibaaz overlord. 😎😎😎

“mujhe lagta nahi, mujhe pata hai.” billu’s finally gotten good at character judgement. 😊😊😊

oh god, great. pinky is getting involved too. 😣😣😣

MY GOD WHEN IS ANIKA COMING BACK I CAN’T HANDLE ALL THIS DRAMA WITHOUT HER I NEED MY SUNSHINE GIRL 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫

yes, mrs. oberoi, please leave. 👉🏽👉🏽👉🏽👉🏽

thanks for obliging. 

jfc, buaji just secured herself an oceanfront property and monthly stipend. 😧😧😧 

UGH FUCKING BUAJI. YOU ARE NOT HIS SAAS. YOU’RE NOT ANIKA’S MOM. YOU’RE NOT ANYONE’S MOM. FUCKING NO. 

WHERE THE FUCK IS ANIKA TO PUT A STOP TO THIS FUCKERY???????? I NEED HER TO STOP HIM FROM THIS NEW AWAIIIII KA KINDNESS DRIVE HE’S ON. 😑😑😑😑

oh, this superior officer of bhavya’s some kinda father figure too? pft, and still sends her on the most ridiculous missions that puts not only her, but god knows who else at risk. with dads like these.... 🙄🙄🙄

a rishtaaaa for bhavyaaaaaaaa. 😯😯😯

like mrs. khan better than the stupid officer dude. 🙂🙂🙂

bhavya said yes to rishta. 😶😶😶

wait, bhavya’s left oberoi mansion? how fucking random. 🤔🤔🤔

lmao “jab bhi ghar se chali jaati hai aap log mujhe KATORE mein khada kar dete ho”  “KATKHARA!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

pfttttt, rudra and his nakhre. 🙄🙄🙄

damn, this rishta of bhavya’s is moving hella fast. 😐😐😐

mrs. khan needs to go easy on the “beta” calling. and crazy smiling. she seems deranged. 😕😕😕

WHO DIS NOW? he looks like sasta duplicate of my jaan vikrant massey. 

his name is manav. and he’s a cop too. girl, i say jump on it. at this point. literally any man with steady employment is a better option than rudra. 😕😕😕

god chubby. fuck you and your misogyny as well. tum dono ek number ke losers ho. 😒😒😒

lol this bossy bhavya waala imagination. i kinda enjoyed the laughs. 😆😆😆

“woh toh mera jeena HARNAAM kar degi.” pffffffffft. 😂😂😂

chubby is me. his solution to every problem is either food or sleep. 😊😊😊

oh finallyyyyy, back to the svetVi plot! 

svetlana drops the act! 😯😯😯

“at least tumne maana toh sahi tum svetlana ho.”

bitch you think there’s more than one of these perfect specimens walking around on the planet? no way. she’s it, baby. 😎😎😎

someone give me svetlana’s confidence in commanding a man. she’s so personality goals! (murder aside. actually, maybe murder included.) 😍😍😍

wait what? is that acid? what the fuck jhanvi????? 😐😐😐

also the levels of that jar keep going up and down. what nonsense. 🙄🙄🙄

apparently, rudra’s imma sleep it all away plan didn’t work. sucks to be you, boo. 

“rudy i’m your friend, not your ayah.” 

that’s exactly what this spoiltass loser needs though, an ayah. fucking child. 😒😒😒

who the fuck is kaira now??? 🤔🤔🤔

lmao svetlana just beat the acid outta jhanvi’s hand. god i love herrrr. she’s always prepared. 😊😊😊

ok jhanvi is sooooo fucking lame. imma need svetlana to fuck her up, purely coz she’s so damn lame. 🙄🙄🙄

omfg, slay me mama. literally kill me! i love you and your face sooooo much. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

kaira is lame af too. 😒😒😒

ok rudra, i’m pretty sure giving ppl raw egg is against some health code violation. why the fuck would you come to a restaurant and ask for raw eggs? 😑😑😑

ok imma need kaira to stfu. she’s very annoying. 😒😒😒

thank god that got over quickly. 😗😗😗

ok, bhavya and manav are on an outdoor date. 😊😊😊

LMAO WHAT EFFICIENTLY? SULTAN IS STILL AT LARGE. 😂😂😂

i like manav though. he seems really nice. 😚😚😚

oh he knows her right from childhood. 

ok yeah, i really like manav. goddamnit bhavya, this is exactly the kinda man you shouldddd be with. sensitive and supportive. treating you like an equal. appreciating your talent and work as a cop. like what a hell of an upgrade from stupid immature rudra. 😒😒😒

manav’s nice and going to get his poor heart broken. 😞😞😞

GOD I LITERALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU TWO AND YOUR BS. THIS WAS 10 MINUTES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT ON GAURI. OR OM. OR LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. I WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD WITH JUST STARING AT OM AND SHIVAAY HANGING OUT TOGETHER IN SILENCE, OVER THIS NONSENSE. 😤😤😤

OH THANK GOD ANIKA’S BACK TOMORROW. SHE’S BACK SHE’S BACK SHE’S BACK. 😍😍😍😘😘😘😊😊😊

but hella overly angsty???? girl u ok? 😕😕😕

[nakalimutang-sumpaan]

Freaking ignorant stubborn people not taking good care of my grandma/their mother.

Why are you even here.

Geez Louise dude.

“Sana ikaw nalang binilinan ko” FR. How am I more responsible than your 38 year old self. Such an immature child, my goodness.

Her health deteriorated because of not listening. I took so much better care of her GOSH. HOW MANY TIMES DID I SAY DON’T GIVE HER BANANAS OR ORANGES OR ANYTHING HIGH IN POTASSIUM OR VITAMIN C. HOW MANY TIMES DID MOM SAY TO WAKE HER UP AND FEED HER AND CHANGE HER AT CERTAIN TIMES. Freaking “kalahati lang naman” NO.

And just...how they treat her. Wtf is wrong with them man.

Now Lola’s kidneys are at 4% and she didn’t freaking feed her the entire day or check up on her. WTH is wrong with her man... who gives a damn if it’s your day off wth. All you did was stay in your room. I do that too but I check up on Lola at least every 2 hours. How difficult is that to do.

Can everyone just leave..... and they’re gonna bring their freaking just as stupid children here next year. One is just as stubborn and stupid as her mom getting preggers early and still hoe-ing around even after having a baby. Even the Tito’s said she’s mana sa nanay. And they thought they’d both change after having kids but nah. Still immature and don’t know how to step up and be mothers. And the other one who is coming for sure in September is a freaking cleptomaniac.

WHY. WHY WHY WHY.

This was one of the issues I brought up too.

“You guys keep bringing in the stupidest people that I can’t look up to and aren’t good examples in this household who bring in even more problems. It‘s such an unhealthy and toxic environment now. All I have is my room. Thats why I just stay there sometimes. That’s why I don’t want anyone going into my room because it’s my only safe place now. But even when I’m in my room, they’re so loud and keep arguing with you and their mindsets are so stupid! And I hear what they say about you guys. And I HATE what they say about dad thinking he’s so rich and that he’s not struggling just because he’s an engineer. They keep acting like living here is so easy and acting like they made it and can make it on their own. They keep saying crap like that and I don’t like it.”

And now they’re bringing their children... god.

Triggering my anxiety and depression man.

Can they just go back already. Please.

[duckadoodle3]

100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109 and 110 but only the ones you really want to do out of those.

100. How are you feeling?Pretty bad, but better then earlier... I miss you so much101. Do you type fast?I think I'm pretty average or even worse based on my performance in that stupid typing online course we took, but my English teacher tells me I'm a great typer so I guess yeah102. Do you regret anything from your past?I regret a lot of failed friendships for one... Especially from middle school with Shana and Anna, I know they treated me like shit and honestly were insanely abliest, and in the end completely changing my personality and forcing me to sit quietly on the side in fear of annoying everyone around me if I said anything. But seriously I was a bitch and was not helping my being very dramatic, edgy, and always playing victim. I just reeeallly regret that entire experience... Also in elementary school I was honestly kind of a bully. For one I was really fucking sexist and I do not know wh y. It might have been because literally almost every single boy in my class acted like a little prick at the time but I would not tolerate any boy I met and would immedietly act insanely hostile to them. I remember being complete enemies with a few boys like C.J. Or Johnathan (not the one we know but I also made fun of him and I hate myself for that a l o t). I would say every insult I could as a child to them and while they were being immature and stupid too, I hate how I acted. I could go into detail on every awful thing I've said and done really, but this has already gone on too long.103. Can you spell well?I used to be good at spelling but now I regularly forget how to spell the simplist words. Like really I'm pretty sure I spelled something in that last sentence wrong I have no idea.104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Not too much, a lot of relationships I've had fell apart but I've never really actually missed them too much. Besides Grace, she was probably the second best friend I've ever had (you're the first of course) and I'd really love to see her again.106. Have you ever broken someones heart?Mom says that when I tell her how I said no to being Tavians girlfriend but I'm pretty damn sure he didn't like me enough to be heartbroken over it. Idk the whole thing felt really half hearted to me.107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yeah! My special interest used to be horses for a long time when I was little and I took a lot of horse riding lessons, but they never let us go faster than a Lope or something and then I quit when the instructir yelled at me.108. What should you be doing?Sleeping. I am going to regret this109. Is something irritating you right now?Not really, thank god ;u; lets hope it stays that way p l z110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yes, possibly.