#shes so fucking weird man imagine having that much of an inferiority complex. i could tell when she went there she sensed they were above u

[thursdayg1rl]

while i wait for them to come i have a story to tell actually

[ame-to-ame]

. Pain

OH THEY'RE ALL FUCKING UNHEALTHY AREN'T THEY THEY'RE ALL TOXIC

I hate her I hate her so much she's. ugh.

Don't play with people's feelings like that 😭 I swear she knows Erika likes her I swear she's keeping Erika around like a rebound someone who she can get warmth and love from to fill the emptiness she feels inside omg she even had that moment where she considers dating Erika wondering if that would fill the hole she even does ask Erika to go out and Erika says no (which honestly good for her) but Ugh. ugh. I know you're traumatized ik but everyone here has their issues. Erika's keeping it under control and not letting it affect anyone rn. Aya is trying to figure out her life and get to an even level to be with everyone. But you? Playing w ur best friend's feelings and leading her on never fully actually rejecting her so that she can move on. Being really controlling over your gf's life after she comes back from missing out on 7 years and trying to get her to stay home and do nothing instead of trying to help her integrate back into society. IF YOU REALLY WERE LOOKING OUT FOR HER AND BEING IN HER BEST INTERESTS YOU'D REALIZE HOW HARD IT WOULD BE IN HER SHOES TO BE GETTING BACK I TO SOCIETY AS AN ADULT IN THE MIND AND BODY OF A CHILD RIGHT NOW. she should have just rejected Aya so that Aya could accept the fact that mentally and physically she is. A child. And not be trying so hard to catch up and be an adult. It's not like her body didn't age but she has a mind of an adult like no??? That is a middle schooler??? Mature for her age but still. A kid. I know koto is fucked up and traumatized but I didn't imagine she would actually go on with dating Aya. Man.

They are all so fucked up. Man.

My friends just broke up! My time to shine! /s

Ughhh like as painful as this is to read I have to admit the characterization is on point. The weird mixed complex feelings as an understudy to have when the person you've always looked up to and felt inferior to is now in a vulnerable position where there is a big power imbalance. Wanting someone to move on and feeling guilty bc not only would it be good for them but you might also get something out of it. Being so fixated on the idea of a person you can't see the real person in front of you.

Koto doesn't love Aya as a person, koto wouldn't be trying to imprison Aya if that were the case. Koto is just obsessed with the Aya from 7 years ago because she lost her first love so suddenly like that. The Aya in front of her is not. Someone she realistically could be with.

And Aya just has it the worst in this situation like. The girl you were in love with and thought loved you only is obsessed with the idea of you and wants you to just stay the same and never leave the house. Your other best friend has always been jealous of you and is low-key wishing on your downfall. Your parents fucked off a long time ago. Your grandparents are dead. You have absolutely nobody you can rely on or trust aside from these 2 unreliable fuckers. And you just came back into an unfamiliar place in an unfamiliar future where everyone has gone ahead without you and you have 7 years you need to catch up on and instead of taking it slow you want to catch up asap and be an adult because you're anxious that the girl you like is too far away now because it's been 7 years. But it's undeniable that you are in a child's body and she's had 7 years to grow without you.

Huh

[inspector2ndclass]

The Mechanisms as Random Birds I Found on the Internet

Did anyone want this? No. Do I know anything about birds? Also no. Anyways, here’s a shitpost I spent way too long on.

Jonny d’Ville: Northern Mockingbird

First and foremost, here’s Jonny! An asshole! A bastard! An all around terrible person! He shall be a northern mockingbird. This fucking bird has no redeemable qualities other than that it is pretty and a GREAT singer. This is a very aggressive bird. Very territorial. If it had opposable thumbs, it would probably shoot you in like the foot or something. I don’t think these birds are very smart. Just like a certain “captain” that we know. The state bird of Texas, among all places. Never trust a texas. In true Texas fashion, the 1927 legislation declaring the Northern Mockingbird the state’s official bird stated that the species is “a fighter for the protection of his home, falling, if need be, in its defence, like any true texan.” Now Jonny burned down a Texas - maybe not this Texas but whatever. I read somewhere that a mockingbird could peck someone’s dick off, and honestly? Valid.

Gunpowder Tim: Southern Cassowary

Okay, hear me out. This bird is a little bitch - or rather a b i g bitch. In a good way. Look at this fucking bird. It’s majestic. Doesn’t it look just SO trustworthy. What a trustworthy man. And very pretty. Pretty, pretty bird. Who could squash you like a fucking ant. This is one Violent bird. Tim is one Violent person. The cassowary makes a low roaring sound like a fucking dinosaur. I love dinosaurs. DID I MENTION IT LAYS GREEN EGGS. Now you might say, well Tim is a human and humans don’t lay green eggs. Fuck you. It’s never explicitly stated that our very own Gunpowder Tim doesn’t lay green eggs. Also comes with a built-in helmet. As everyone except Tim and the southern cassowary says, safety first! Strikes me as a very egotistical bird. If the cassowary weren’t a bird, I don’t think it would wear a seatbelt.

Ashes O’Reilly: California Condor

Okay, so. This is a cool fucking bird. Just look at it. M a j e s t i c. Do you know who else is really fucking cool? Ashes. They have so much power. Also condors are beautiful birds. Oh my god. California condors are very graceful fliers. For Ashes, I almost went with the brown falcon - one of “Nature’s arsonists”, but other than arson, it’s a rather boring bird. Just brown. And a falcon. BUT THE CALIFORNIA CONDOR. Now that’s a cool bird. The god of the sky. Actually, in the “research” for this post I found a blog post in 2011 from someone who has genuinely worshipped condors as gods since they were a teenager and honestly? Valid. (disclaimer; I am aware that many native cultures worship animals and nature, however I don’t feel qualified to talk about that. I don’t mean any harm by this post.)

DrumBot Brian: Shoebill Stork

Well. I did have a rather difficult time finding a bird that has a complex set of moral values. Who would’ve thought?? I did almost use a praying mantis, just for a little variety. I’ve never met someone who wouldn’t rip off the head of their lover. BUT ANYWAYS. Here we have Brian the Shoebill Stork. He looks so nice. But he will not hesitate to decapitate your baby crocodile. Also very patient!! Like a dinosaur! This bird has the most complex set of moral values of any bird I could find in about thirty seconds. If Brian didn’t decapitate so many young crocodiles there would be much too many! Too many crocodiles! The horror! I’ve also seen a gif of Boring Brian delicately picking up a duckling and placing it back down. Dunno what happened after, though. Don’t ask. Apparently the shoebill stork makes “machine-gun noises” which I think Jonny would enjoy fucking around with. A place that I forgot to write down reportedly called the bird “Abu-Markhub” meaning “father of the slipper” which,,,, yeah.

Raphaella la Cognizi: Kea

Also known as the “clown of the alps”, the Kea resides in the mountains, as the only alpine parrot. Pretty cool. I want to be a clown. But like, a cool clown - not one that hides in a sewer and eats children… Anyways, I’m getting off topic. The kea is the smartest bird I could find. Raphaella is the science officer of the Aurora so it seemed fitting. Look at this photo. That’s science at work! Kea can use basic tools! And reportedly have the intelligence of a four-year-old child! That’s pretty smart! Also it has wings! Raph has wings! Apparently kea enjoy attacking sheep, dogs, horses, etc. and just generally fuck around with people. Imagine what this bird could do with opposable thumbs…

Marius von Raum: Victoria Crowned Pigeon

My criteria for Bird Marius was essentially a stupid looking bird with a ridiculously long name. I was originally going to go with the King of Saxony Bird of Paradise solely for the name (just look at it! It’s so dumb! Who the fuck is the king of saxony!) however it bored me. So! Here we have Doctor Baron Marius von Raum as the Victoria Crowned Pigeon (also sometimes referred to as the Blue Crowned Pigeon). Genuinely, this was my favourite bird as a child. I fucking love this funky little bastard. Apparently, it’s the largest pigeon species in the world and can grow to be the size of a turkey. A turkey! What the fuck! This bird thinks it’s all that. (I mean, it’s not wrong). It was named after Queen Victoria but like,,,,, Fuck The Monarchy. Also eats a lot of figs. The bird - not the queen. Or maybe the queen I dunno. Marius seems like the kind of person who hates figs but eats them anyways so he doesn’t feel inferior to the Fig Lord. How the fuck is this bird not extinct yet.

Ivy Alexandria: Common Raven

Ivy Alexandria, the Common Raven. Ravens are extremely smart! Like seriously - near where I live, there’s an animal shelter with a raven and you can hold a conversation with it. It’s amazing! They also have great memories and hold grudges - so don’t mess with them. Oh! They can also use hand gestures, which for birds is insanely cool! They are the literal “birdbrain”. Sometimes they collect little trinkets, which I think is really sweet. Now, I don’t believe ravens can read but like,,,,, I dunno. I read an article recently about ravens doing “weird things with ants”. Apparently they like to play with them. Ravens have been known to sit in an anthill and let ants crawl all over their feathers for no apparent reason. Now, while nothing has been canonically stated involving Ivy and ants, you can’t prove Ivy doesn’t go sit and hang out with a bunch of ants.

Nastya Rasputina: Andean Potoo

The Andean Potoo is the most mysterious breed of the seven or so potoo species; almost nothing is known other than their vague appearance and their stomach contents (large insects like beetles and grasshoppers, if you were interested). While we do know quite a bit about Nastya, I thought this bird fit her pretty well. In answer to the question “Are potoos friendly?” a website said: “The short answer is ‘no’. The slightly longer answer is ‘it depends’.” This sounds like Nastya and her lesbian spaceship girlfriend. Potoos are VERY good at camouflage; like Nastya in Aurora’s veins?? I dunno, might be a bit of a stretch. They are shy, secretive birds. Sounds fun. Potoos are also VERY good at catching insects and shit. This point might not be relevant, but whatever. Andean potoos might mate for life; scientists don’t know. Let’s say that they do. If Nastya were this bird, she could be eaten by a weasel. Weasels said fuck Nastya rights. Fuck weasels.

The Toy Soldier: Atlantic Puffin

OH MY GOD. I love the Toy Soldier. The Atlantic Puffin. I don’t have many reasons for this one other that IT’S ADORABLE. This is my favourite bird. Just look at it!!! Hnnnnnnn. Baby puffins are called pufflingssssss. Oh my god. Also look up the bird call of the atlantic puffin; it is the best thing ever. Puffins are very sociable birds and live in like giant flocks or something. They’re very neat birds and also waterproof! Like wood! They shed the outer layer of their beaks once a year! Like wood! They live in burrows! Like wood! They can hold a fuck ton of fish in their beaks! Like wood! They have a really fucking wierd tongue! Like wood!

BONUS: Dr. Carmilla: Lammergier (Bearded Vulture)

Do I know anything about Dr. Carmilla? Nope! I think she’s a vampire but like???? Anyways, just look at this bird. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The Lammergeier is one Badass Bird. It is one of the largest old-world vultures. I don’t know what that means. It can grow up to four feet tall, though! And has a wingspan between seven and nine feet. That’s a big fucking bird! They have no natural predators, much like a certain immortal vampire (maybe???). It eats primarily bone and bone marrow and has a nasty habit of carrying off lambs, calves, and dead children. Remind you of the Good Doctor and her Band? Probably not. I bet Jonny has eaten at least one dead child, though. The lammergeier can also live up to the ripe old age of 45 (old in bird years?). Supposedly a lammergeier killed the greek playwright Aeschelus by mistaking his large bald head for a rock and dropping a turtle on it. Sounds very Carmilla. BUT WAIT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE BEST PART. This bird dies it’s fur the colour of blood to look more intimidating! Supposedly this is a mark of status, as well. That’s one badass bird!!!

WELL THAT WAS AN ADVENTURE. A useless adventure, sure. Fuck you. I had fun.

[a-very-fond-farewell]

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 24/?

CLAMP AU n.3 [chengyu? yucheng? (JC/MXY) edition. don’t...question my taste bruh]: “Somewhere, sometime.”

[tw eating disorders mentioned + tw suicide mention (body sacrifice)]

[ok fam. ok. I get it. I would basically ship JC with a rock if it meant I could play with my crack AUs. but I have solid evidence for this one. I promise you.]

[so, “Kobato” from CLAMP is possibly my favorite series from them. it’s 6 volumes long, roughly 40 chapters (and I only recently found out there was an epilogue...even though it was not there in my published version of the series. bc your local cryptid did in fact buy the entire thing in the flesh, that’s how much I love it)]

[in this AU I’ll change some things for the sake of consistency, but I suggest you read it bc the hurt/comfort and pining is enjoyable...so...if you read my silly AU I’m afraid I will spoil the plot for u :( and that’s the last thing I want to do...I understand if you decide to go read the manga and skip my prompt. it’s ok, I’m fine, go and have fun ;-;]

[if you kept reading, hi :D]

[now. am I uncomfortable with certain common tropes in CLAMP’s work in general? yes. especially the age gaps between some of the characters, some of which are not adults. hence the reason behind the changes in this AU. but! the aesthetics fam. the beautiful drawings. the cute outfits. (*��▽ﾉ)

do you see these?? how cute would Mo XuanYu look in these fam?? I honestly hc him enjoying skirts and feminine outfits a whole lot, but you can imagine him with pants and they would be just as cute. my favorite one is the second from the left btw.]

(imagine Mo XuanYu like this btw and check out the fancomic by the same op! an anon suggested it to me a while ago and now I’m hooked!)

[other mangacaps bc you need visuals:

yeah. angry boy meets bby with a mission to accomplish, bonding over their inferiority complex. yep. I only love the nicest things in life. that’s me.

also look at my baby girl ;-; so cuTe]

[the title is from the ost from the anime series, “Itsuka dokoka de” (check it out!). the anime feels more cohesive than the original manga, possibly bc the pacing is handled a little bit better (since the manga was cut short and the end felt a bit sloppy, but the emotional engagement was still good). and I remember being 17 and crying like a baby when this song came in. if you don’t have time for the manga binge the anime instead! there are plot holes in both of them and the stories are different but still both very enjoyable if you like soft things and angsty vibes.]

[enjoy!]

*

*

When YanLi saw him for the first time in front of her door, at the beginning of spring, she thought XuanYu was too pretty and too young for his own good. Sitting across her on the floor, a tea set between them as he politely answered her questions, the boy couldn’t have looked older than sixteen yet he assured her he was of age and well into adulthood. Which seemed pretty difficult to assess, not with the way he dressed: cute button down, beret slightly askew on top of his pretty head and an old-looking suitcases in hand. She didn’t mention the stuffed black rabbit poking out from the front pocket of his luggage, which seemed more of a comfort thing than a reliable source of company.

Moreover, Jin Ling seemed transfixed by him, toddling his way towards their guest asking for cuddles... something her son had never done in front of strangers.

XuanYu refused to give his last name, nor did he have an ID he could show her, nor did he seem worried about how strange that was. And YanLi knew ZiXuan would have been against it, but she couldn’t leave the kid looking all over Lanling for a place to stay... so she gave him the only available room in their rundown pension.

She only hoped Jiang Cheng would be a nice neighbor and leave the kid alone. Who knew what horrors XuanYu was running away from, after all.

*

When XiChen heard from YanLi of her new tenant, he would have never guessed the kid to look so naive. Not in a bad way, mind you. But his smiles, for how genuine they seemed to be, looked a little bit too big. A little bit too strained not to be a distraction tactic from his part. Or maybe XiChen had lived too long surrounded by fake smiles and closed off people to not worry.

That’s probably why he gave XuanYu a job when YanLi asked him to look over the kid. More to prove himself there were still trustworthy people in the world than to give the younger man a chance. He couldn’t even pay him a full salary, not with the debt collectors breathing on his neck as he tried to run his late mother’s kindergarten.

But maybe that would have been enough for now. A starting point for something better, something new.

*

A-Yuan had always known the kindergarten used to be an orphanage back in the days, but now he had reached an age where doubts stuck to his head instead of being forgotten with the passing of time. Wen Qing and A-Ning were always busy -be it in the hospital or in university- and A-Yuan didn’t know if they loved him enough to keep him. Ever since granny had passed away he had wondered, day after day, when his cousins would have left him behind for good.

He was thinking about such things when he first met XuanYu, on the man’s first day on the job as a teaching assistant. A-Yuan was mulling over his sadness when XuanYu had come to his rescue, asking him what was wrong... before enthusiastically praising his cousins for working so hard after hearing they were late to take A-Yuan home. XuanYu stayed with him and they played on the swings as they waited for A-Ning to come pick him up, apologizing profusely.

On the way home, his cousin held him close and kissed his forehead as he asked him if he had had fun with the new teacher. And A-Yuan felt less doubtful afterwards.

*

After hearing the story from her brother, Wen Qing had made it her job to look into XuanYu and his weird approach to life in general. She took every opportunity she could grasp to spy on the younger man, lunch breaks be damned. She needed to confirm if the kid was a trust worthy person or a runaway child pretending to be older than what he actually was. Well, maybe tailing an unsuspecting young man on the streets of Lanling in scrubs and sunglasses would be considered a bit much, she could admit as much. But it was the thought that counted, no?

Her friend MianMian told her to knock it off and talk to the kid like a normal human being, but the truth was that... well, XuanYu was really too weird to be considered normal. He seldom put himself in dangerous situations without much care, such as picking up a random (and still lit) cigarette from the ground just to give it back to the person who had “accidentally dropped it”. Other times he would cross a road without looking left and right first, risking to be run over by cars at every corner. He never, never, fumbled with a phone and he frequently talked to himself... sometimes even directing his words to that creepy stuffed rabbit of his.

No thank you, Wen Qing felt safer behind light poles and crumpled newspapers held upside down. Even if that made her look sketchy as fuck.

*

Wen Ning made sure to arrive on time to pick A-Yuan up after that time, often chatting with XuanYu as they waited for his baby cousin to retrieve his backpack and raincoat. It was refreshing to speak with the younger man, no matter how weird he acted sometimes. Like that time A-Yuan asked him to tie his shoe-laces for him and XuanYu didn’t know how to do it. Or that time they caught the man taking a nap on the floor in the middle of the school hall. Or that time XiChen had ordered a cake for one of the kids’ birthday and XuanYu didn’t seem to know how to sing the birthday song.

Wen Ning had no place to judge, after all. But XuanYu’s smiles felt like balm on his heart. And if his sweet voice followed Wen Ning home as he bounced A-Yuan in his arms, well. Nobody needed to know that.

*

The last thing Meng Yao would have expected to hear that summer day when he called the kindergarten was a voice so different from XiChen’s. Startled, he had confusedly asked if the kid worked there and how so, given that the school definitely couldn’t afford to hire anyone. He ought to know. He was the debt collector.

But the kid apologized, introduced himself, and then explained XiChen had offered him a part-time job out of kindness more than out of need. The idiot. XiChen should have remembered who his money belonged to instead of taking charity cases left and right.

But when Meng Yao said as much to naive XuanYu, the other vehemently protested, surprising the debt collector with strong opinions on how he shouldn’t underestimate other people’s intelligence and kindness in the first place.

Meng Yao laughed out at that, genuinely so.

There was more to that kid XuanYu than what one would have expected.

*

Nie HuaiSang caught a first glimpse of the mystery man only in late summer, when XuanYu stepped into his cake shop to look at the display. His coworker MianMian seemed to recognize the younger man immediately, greeting him by saying they had a friend in common, namely Wen Qing. The kid merely tilted his head and answered he had never formerly met “Miss. Wen” and that he only knew who she was from what the woman’s younger brother had told him about her.

MianMian shrugged and smiled at him.

To which HuaiSang asked him what they could do for him and XuanYu... just... stopped working. Saying that he had wondered if he could do something for them instead. Apparently, Wen Ning had let it slip they were currently understaffed and needed a hand to deliver their sweets.

Delighted, MianMian set him to work, no matter how many times HuaiSang assured her they didn’t need to force the kid to help them... also because they didn’t actually have the means to pay him in kind. But XuanYu refused money altogether, simply asking them to let him help.

To their amusement (and horror) XuanYu didn’t know how to ride a bicycle, so he insisted on covering the deliveries by foot in the neighborhood instead.

HuaiSang called XiChen on the phone that same evening, asking him to give the kid some slack the following day. And maybe buy him some balm for blisters as well.

*

Jin Ling was young but he wasn’t stupid. Turning three had made him wiser, he knew as much. So he knew XuanYu was magical. He just did.

His pretty-gege talked with stuffed animals, always wore nice things, and kept in his satchel bag a vial filling up with magical candies every time he did something nice for others. A-Ling had seen it with his own eyes, that time XuanYu had put a plaster on his scrapped knee and blew on it to make the pain go away: the golden candy had appeared in the bottle out of nowhere and XuanYu had asked him to keep the secret.

And A-Ling may have been young, but he wasn’t a snitch.

No sir.

*

ZiXuan eventually stumbled upon their new tenant even though YanLi had tried everything in her power to prevent it. He was very displeased with her: taking a scrawny kid in, cutting his rent in half merely because he couldn’t afford to pay the room in full. Utter nonsense.

No matter how much this kid XuanYu praised A-Ling’s personality or YanLi’s cooking, no matter how much he smiled and made himself look accommodating and unthreatening. ZiXuan didn’t work pro bono even at the firm, let alone for his wife’s business.

Yet, when he asked to be let inside the kid’s room to formally discuss the terms of his contract (and tell him to pack his things and leave at the end of summer), ZiXuan was left speechless. There was no bed, no table or chairs. The fridge wasn’t humming and the AC wasn’t working. The only things he could see were the younger man’s clothes neatly folded in his open suitcase or hanging by the window to dry. No books, no snacks, no nothing.

Usually tenants brought their things in right off the bat, their stuff mailed in within a week after moving in. YanLi was very particular about it, she would have not overlooked something like that. But maybe she had been too busy with A-Ling these past few months and hadn’t noticed the kid was actually too poor to even breathe.

And now that he looked at him, XuanYu looked suspiciously skinny.

Was he sleeping on the floor? Didn’t he have covers for the colder season? Was his fridge broken, empty, or -gods forbid- purposely left with no power because the kid couldn’t afford the electricity bill?

“Do you actually live like this?”

XuanYu didn’t answer to that, but smiled anyway. It looked sinister in a way ZiXuan couldn’t explain, afraid of the things such a young man may or may not have endured in the past. And was maybe still enduring now.

The following day ZiXuan gave the kid their spare futon they bought in Japan on their honeymoon. They never had guests anyway and they could afford to pay for a tenant’s electricity bill every now and then, they weren’t poor.

Certainly YanLi would have agreed with him on the matter.

*

JinGy saw it. He did! He wasn’t lying! Xuan-ge was there, surrounded by darkness and shadows, looking over the children during their nap time, only a sliver of light coming from the door left ajar... casting shadows on half of his pretty face.

And he saw him reviving that stuffed black rabbit he always had on him.

The rabbit just rose on his hind legs and turned his head up and started whispering things to Xuan-ge, who nodded every now and then in deep though.

JinGyi had read about how paper-man talismans had been stuff of legends in the past. His books spoke of ancient times in which even corpses could be brought back to life. How even animals could turn into godly beasts if enough resentful energy polluted them. But he would have never thought magic could actually be real and so easy to play with.

And Xuan-ge had looked nothing but beautiful as he was talking to the stuffed animal, humming softly under his breath.

*

When Jiang Cheng dropped out of university for the second time, YanLi didn’t say anything and instead welcomed him back in his old room. So much for enrolling in law school at twenty-three, uh? ZiXuan would have been disappointed in him like the first time that had happened in his bachelor anyway, no point in avoiding the man. It was autumn anyway: it was either going back to the apartment complex or look for a new flatmate. But the school housing had rightfully kicked him out after dropping out in the middle of the academic year, so there would have been little hope for him to find a new place anytime soon.

What he did not expect to find was a new tenant living next door.

Sleeping in front of the door, clutching a satchel bag and a fucking stuffed animal on his lap.

Jiang Cheng jolted him awake and took in the sight of his shoulder length hair, his long lashes and sleepy eyes and thought he looked ridiculous. Wearing a silly hat and moccasins, purple shadows under his eyes, a confused expression on his worn out face. When asked what the hell he was doing there, sleeping out of his room instead of inside of it, the younger man said he had forgotten his keys inside that morning.

He was clearly an idiot, so Jiang Cheng walked away and returned to his room after more than a year away. If someone asked him who had rung YanLi to bring the spare keys to help the idiot he would have shrugged at them and shut the door in their face.

He didn’t have time for that, he had to think how to ask XiChen to let him back to work at the school the following day.

*

A-Qing had seen many things in life, met many horrible people, dealt with the scum of the scum... but she had yet to meet XuanYu. 

A menace. A hurricane. A fool. The amount of times she had had to scoop him up from the ground after he had clumsily slipped on invisible bananas and such should have earned her a honorary title for outstanding citizen. It’s been months since his arrival and the kids had already learned to make way whenever they saw him. He inspired fear even in their tiny heads, honestly. What a fellow teaching assistant, really.

She was just there to score brownie points for his electives and internship program to become a social service worker, that was true. But she cared about the kids enough to know she had to do something about that. The children loved XuanYu and they were this fucking close to either worship him like a small deity or criminal and something ought to be done.

The last thing she would have expected to see, however, was Jiang Cheng coming back so soon. Crawling back from university to ask to work there, wagging his tail like the lovesick dog he was. She could easily imagine what the older student would have said to XiChen, something on the line of “you know goddamn well I’m not doing it for the money. I grew up here, I don’t want to see this place crumbling down. I’m definitely not doing it because I’m in love with you and seeing you sad makes me want to gag.”

Well, maybe the last part could be considered artistic license from her part, but judging by what she could overhear behind XiChen’s office door... yep. She had definitely nailed the part about being fond of the ex-orphanage and for the rest... the sentiment was there. The pining bastard.

“Do you need anything, A-Qing?”, XuanYu asked her out of no-fucking-where, startling her as she pretended to dust off the floor very close to a door. Cheek-plastered-on-it kind of close.

“Nothing. Mind your business,” she answered, flustered as fuck.

XuanYu couldn’t be that naive, he knew what he was fucking doing. His creepy little smile so similar to the one the debt collect always had on his face. No wonder XiChen had fallen for such a tricky bitch.

“Then will you help me find JinGyi? He doesn’t want me to help him with his project for the festival and went into hiding again.”

There, that smile and knowing gaze. Judging poser. He looked much older than his alleged twenty years. He knew what he was fucking doi...

“You?!”

Jiang Cheng’s honest-to-gods screech pulled A-Qing out of her thoughts. She turned and had to witness XiChen amiably patting Jiang Cheng on the head as their boss explained him how XuanYu worked there. 

“It’s been almost six months now, he’s a very valuable kid and helped out around here while you were studying.”

Jiang Cheng was both livid and red with longing, because his touch-starved ass was all over that hand patting him platonically on the head. He was also angry, which was default for him... but there was something else underneath. Something promising in the way he stared XuanYu down.

Maybe A-Qing could win some candy by betting with the kids about such unexpected turn of events.

*

ZiZhen believed A-Yi. If his friend had told him the new teacher assistant was a witch then he was right. So they had started researching witches at the school, but only found a couple of colored books on the matter, mostly useless. All but one, telling the story of a nanny called Mary Poppins... some western thing.

But everything checked for the most part. The hat was there, every day a different one, but ultimately never leaving XuanYu’s head. The umbrella was not, but both him and A-Yuan had seen their gege with a parasol once and that was enough. His satchel contained infinite amount of things, from sweets to possessed stuffed animals, like a qiankun bag from the legends! He talked with things as if he could control them.

Well, even the teacher sometimes tried to convince the printer to work with sweet words, gently coaxing it back to life... maybe that was just how adults functioned. Even his dad would ask the fridge where his favorite cake had disappeared sometimes. Adults were weird.

*

Fuck Lanling. Rain day and night, autumn planning everyone’s demise by flooding every bloody year. Xue Yang was over it.

He took a random umbrella from the rack by the door of the convenience store and left without a second thought, already wondering what he could say to convince XingChen to offer him dinner somewhere new. The man wasn’t married anymore after all, so Xue Yang could technically have his way with him now, right?

“Excuse me!”

Xue Yang was not in the mood for people calling him out on his bullshit that night, but he turned anyway and saw the weirdest thing. A young man roughly his age, maybe a year or so younger, drenched from head to toe after rushing to him. He was panting, clutching a plastic bag full of cleaning supplies from the convenience store Xue Yang had just left.

“I believe you mistakenly took my umbrella,” the other said, pretty face framed by wet hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks.

Amused, Xue Yang shut the clear plastic umbrella he had “mistakenly taken” and held it at arm’s length by the handle, directing the pointy edge to the other like a sword. Hell if he was going to get wet himself, he needed to prove something to the idiot. He could handle a bit of rain for the sake of being dramatic.

“You want it back?” Xue Yang asked, rising his chin and arching an eyebrow at the other. The man nodded, holding his now wet beret in place on top of his head as if he was more worried about it falling on the ground than keeping his crown dry.

“I knew it was someone else’s when I took it.”

“But...?”

“And what’ll you give me back for it? What are you gonna do about it?”

This should have taught him not to mess with him: he didn’t even have to use his business tone to make the other take a step back. Meng Yao, the bastard, had taught him smiles went a long way in dealing with stupid people after all.

“Right, if I take it from you... you won’t have one to go back home with.”

Uh?

“Wait here. I’ll go buy you one at the convenience store. I’ll be back.”

Uh??

The idiot actually run back to the store and purchased him a fucking umbrella. And Xue Yang was twice as stupid because he waited for him to come back, startled as he was. The idiot was smiling megawatt bright when he came back as well, what the fuck?

The sick bastard extended the clear plastic umbrella to him like Xue Yang had done earlier, but he held it by the middle, as if surrendering his weapon. It was fairly similar to the one Xue Yang had stolen anyway, why bother asking for his umbrella back?

“Did your dead mother give this particular one to you or something?”

The bite in his words only mildly deterred the other man, who pressed his lips together before forcing an even bigger smile on his face.

“No. It’s pretty cheap. But it’s mine. It’s the first thing I bought with my money.”

Xue Yang left after that. With the stolen umbrella. Because he was still a scumbag and not a sentimental asshole. But he was very quiet that evening when XingChen treated him to some fancy takeout on his couch while lovingly drying Xue Yang’s hair with a towel.

Nothing made sense anymore.

*

Qin Su worried over Jiang Cheng. He was her best worker, but she knew for a fact that he had a million part-time jobs in town and she didn’t want to overwork him. She also knew he would give all of his hard-earned money to XiChen anyway. All to pay a stupid debt. The huge lovesick idiot.

Was he the fastest delivery driver? Yes. Was he the most well behaved of his staff? Not even close. But he was respectful enough to work over his issues and she trusted him with doing his job at the end of the day.

So when she found a young man in a frilly outfit waiting for her on the lobby of her shop asking for Jiang Cheng... well, she was pleasantly surprised.

He introduced himself as XuanYu and held a lunch box in his hands, saying Jiang Cheng had forgotten it at home. Which left A-Su properly impressed. How could a man as angry as Jiang Cheng secure himself such a lovely person was beyond her comprehension, honestly.

He was adorable and she wanted to be his sister like, yesterday.

But when Jiang Cheng came back from a delivery, entering the dumpling shop with his helmet still on, he stared XuanYu down and told him off right off the bat.

“Not you again,” he said, to A-Su’s utter confusion, “Can’t you take a fucking hint? I’m already avoiding you at work. I don’t want to be your friend.”

Something akin to hurt painted XuanYu’s feature for a fraction of a second before he could retrieve his smile and point at the lunch box.

“Your sister asked me to give this to you on my way out. A-Ling helped making rice cakes this time and wanted to hear from you if you liked them or not.”

Qin Su could have easily missed the change in XuanYu’s voice at that, that’s how much of a good actor he was. But Jiang Cheng had no face even to feel ashamed for lashing out at the kid like that. How much older could he be from XuanYu, three years? Two? Had nobody taught him some respect?

“XuanYu, if he bullies you again you come here. Am I understood?”

Like hell she was gonna let this gem of a child slip away from Jiang Cheng’s hands.

Not in a million years.

*

Song Lan breathed in and out. In and out. The clear morning air surrounded him like an old friend, hugging him closely as he clutched the papers for his divorce.

XingChen had signed them in the end. Five years together were now in the past for him.

Maybe they had been too young back then, when they had taken the chance to get married the moment the government announced the change in the law for people like them. How old have they been, twenty-three? Twenty-four? Another lifetime. An existence away.

He wished he could cry. It would have been easier.

But, as he turned a corner, someone stumbled into him and sent the papers scattering on the sidewalk. Song Lan tried to save them from being dirtied on a puddle but was unsuccessful. He didn’t know why he bothered anymore. It felt like the last piece of his lover had left and Song Lan couldn’t even prevent something as simple as that. XingChen’s signature dirtied in a pool, but not enough to be washed away. What a joke.

The young man in front him bowed down, apologizing profusely, trying to save the documents at the best of his abilities. He even suggested finding a public toilet to dry the sheets under the hot air blowing machine, the silly man.

Song Lan smiled instead, reassuring him it was fine.

He was fine.

But the kid accidentally read the first few lines of the agreement before looking up at Song Lan. And where he would have expected pity, Song Lan only saw consternation instead on his pale face. It was so startling to see it, that he had to crouch back down on the ground next to the kid and reassure him everything was fine. It was just paper, it wasn’t important, he didn’t have to feel so guilty about...

“It is important. Your life is important.”

Such a dramatic sentence, uttered so vehemently, should have sounded weird to Song Lan. Especially because he disapproved of such antics in the first place. But it sounded so sincere, so earnest that he felt touched for a moment.

So he helped the kid up on his feet and asked him to walk a bit with him, to keep him company. Reserved as he was, he would have never thought possible opening up to a stranger the way he did that day. But there was something calming about the kid, almost as if he had been put on earth to soothe other people’s existence.

So he told him how his husband had fallen in love with someone else, someone much younger than them. How this had strained their marriage even if Song Lan had known all along his husband had the ability to fall in love with more than one person at a time. But Song Lan was monogamous and would have never justified forcing his lover to suppress his feelings just to please him. So it had been Song Lan himself to call it quits and wish him all the luck in the world.

The kid had started crying at some point, without Song Lan even noticing at first.

“Why are you crying? Please no, I didn’t wan to upset you.”

“So much love. In different ways but... it’s too much. There’s so much of it, of course I’m crying for you and your loved one.”

Song Lan was many things. Too stern, too rigid, too peculiar about who could touch him or not, too cold in expressing his emotions. But he felt warm then, in front of a kid crying for him in the middle of the street, one day of late autumn.

“Thank you.”

***

XuanYu let it slip once with Mrs. Jin how little he remembered of his past. 

It wasn’t a lie, he really didn’t remember what it had been of him before he had met her, asking for a room. But the kind woman just assumed he was talking about his past or youth, so he didn’t correct her on the matter.

Knowing the truth would have scared her, after all.

But he still let himself trust her that day as they sat in front of a pot of tea and he pretended to drink and eat the pastries on the low table. He didn’t need to eat or drink. He wasn’t even sure he had a digestive system.

“I only remember... a song.”

“A song?”

“Yes. Someone singing every night before falling asleep. I don’t think it was meant for me to hear... but my body remembers the shivers. The feeling of being loved.”

“The body remembers the weirdest things, XuanYu. You should trust it more.”

He smiled at that, wriggling his hands on the handkerchief where he had hidden the pastries from sight.

“I’m pretty sure that song wasn’t for me. My body was merely there to listen.”

YanLi looked uncomfortable at that, something scary painting her features.

“Maybe I was eavesdropping,” he reassured her with a self-deprecating joke, not sure if that would have made her feel more at ease or not, “Maybe I was listening in, hoping such lovely words could be directed at me for once.”

Mrs. Jin sipped her tea for a long while afterwards, before finding the resolution to look up and stare him down with a serious expression.

“Unrequited feelings hurt, don’t they?”

XuanYu didn’t know what she meant by that, but he nodded anyway.

He heard something rustling in his bag and hid the sweets inside of it the moment YanLi turned to clear the table. If A-Ling heard someone munching their protests away from inside of the bag, he didn’t snitch on XuanYu and retrieved playing with Fairy on the carpeted floor next to him instead.

*

Lan Zhan was disappointed in him, XuanYu knew that much. They were admiring the sunset from the small balcony in their room, folding laundry.

XuanYu always wondered why Lan Zhan assumed the form of a black stuffed rabbit, of all things, but he didn’t want to pry. He didn’t even know his real name. The other had told him he used to be a human in his past life and that he hadn’t technically reincarnated in this lifetime. That his current form was just a mean to a goal, that he could use it to guide XuanYu and help him better that way without expending much spiritual energy.

He told him someone dear to him taught him how to manipulate paper-man talismans in his previous life. How similar the process had been to move around in a stuffed animal’s body. How convenient.

XuanYu believed he secretly loved it, even if Lan Zhan would have never said as much. He already talked very little to begin with.

“You told her you don’t remember your past.”

“That I did.”

“Don’t do it again”

XuanYu folded the last towel on his lap and then let Lan Zhan take a nap on it. He felt silly having to take showers and pretend to be a normal human being. He hated inconveniencing the Jins with him, accepting their bedding and paid kitchen appliances and so on. But if he wanted to accomplish his mission he had to make an effort to look normal... instead of spirited away from another world or maybe simply another era.

“I won’t do it again, don’t worry Lan Zhan.”

*

Lan Zhan was disappointed, but he was also patient to a fault.

Sure, it would have been much appreciated if Mo XuanYu didn’t lose him around every other day. This time the younger man had forgotten to pick him up from the floor where he had been reading stories to the children at the kindergarten.

But Lan Zhan was also a stuffed animal now, so it wasn’t like he could move around and risk being seeing by normal humans. His body was a vessel and any damage would have had repercussions on his soul as well. 

What to do.

He tried not to panic when he felt someone picking him up from the floor after an hour or so. He silently prayed for them not to be A-Qing: even in this life she was too smart for her own good and he couldn’t risk being found out so soon. Mo XuanYu wasn’t even halfway to complete his mission and Lan Zhan couldn’t...

“I’m sure A-Yu is looking for you, little guy. What are doing all the way back here?”

It was always difficult to hear his older brother’s voice in this life. To see his face, to notice how sad he was even in this new reincarnation of his.

Lan Zhan didn’t move a single muscle as XiChen dusted him off and put him in his apron front pocket as he looked for “A-Yu”.

In order to give a second chance to Mo XuanYu, Lan Zhan had sacrificed any possibility to ever reincarnate until his mission was accomplished. So XiChen didn’t have a younger brother in this lifetime and he would have not had one for a while. Lan Zhan missed him, but they had to wait for a bit more.

They still had three months to fill the bottle the King of Hell had entrusted Mo XuanYu with. Then he would have entered the list for reincarnation once more and everything will have been fine in the end.

Lan Zhan owed the kid his life, so he trusted him.

No matter what.

*

XuanYu remembered the boy who had stolen his umbrella. He remembered him well enough to recognize him when he found him crawling on the floor, a stab wound in his belly, one winter night.

Panicked, he asked Lan Zhan what they could do as he instinctively pressed the wound with his bare hands. Lan Zhan didn’t dare move not to attract attention on himself. The other man snarled out at XuanYu, asking him why did he even bother, seemingly recognizing him.

“I took your fucking umbrella. Hate me and leave me alone.”

“Ridiculous.”

Lan Zhan would have been proud of him for that remark, but XuanYu was too scared to think about it. He didn’t have a phone and he didn’t even know the number for emergencies. He wasn’t even qualified to be a teacher. How had he survived until then. He was useless and stupid and...

“What the fuck?” Jiang Cheng’s voice came in a whisper behind him.

What a sorry view the older man had to take in that night: a pool of blood staining otherwise clean clothes, a moaning boy on the ground in restless pain, a crying mess of a sad excuse of a human pressing on a throbbing wound next to him.

Jiang Cheng muttered something about the boy being one of Meng Yao’s men, that they should leave him there to die for all he cared.

The man under XuanYu barked back, telling him he had tried to “convince the idiot of the same”. But XuanYu was horrified by what he had just heard.

“People die for nothing. People die for fucking nothing. You don’t leave someone behind just because you fucking hate them.”

XuanYu has never cursed in this brief, borrowed life of his. Maybe spending so much time with Jiang Cheng had rubbed some of his habits off on him in the end.

Startled, Jiang Cheng seemed to agree with him because he fished out his phone and called an ambulance right away.

The stabbed man laughed at that.

*

Lan Zhan was clutched in XuanYu’s hands as they waited in the corridor of a badly lit hospital. The kid was crying, hard. He must have remembered how his family in Mo Manor had mistreated him in the past, how easily his own relatives had starved him off just out of spite. How already impossibly emaciated he had been when he had sacrificed his body for Wei Ying, to bring him back in a weakened vessel just to seek revenge. Just to let his hatred run free.

Such cruelty had earned him nothing but distrust from the hell judges, who sentenced him to never be reincarnated again. Only when Lan Zhan had ascended to heaven -many centuries after reaching immortality- he had been able to make them relent.

If Mo XuanYu could prove to be a good human being during a trial time of one year on planet earth, filling a vial with good actions in the form of golden gems, then they would have considered Lan Zhan’s proposal. Mo XuanYu would have atoned his sin and be granted a new life, a clean record, and a second chance at happiness.

Seeing someone almost die in front of him must have awaken something ugly in him. His stained hands, the iron stench in the air. All that blood... like the last thing he had most probably seen in his previous life before his body sacrifice. A scarlet array under his feet, another soul replacing his in his own body.

Lan Zhan let himself be held tightly in Mo XuanYu’s hands that night at the hospital.

And hugged back without anyone else noticing.

*

Xiao XingChen. That was the name of the man showing up at the kindergarten one week later. XuanYu had never seen him before, but the man hugged him in front of the kids, alerting both XiChen and Jiang Cheng.

“Thank you,” the tall man said in between tears, holding him tight.

“I don’t understand. I...”

“You saved A-Yang. Thank you.”

XuanYu pressed his lips together tightly at that, so overwhelmed he didn’t know what to say. His fingertips hurting with sometimes akin to electricity the more he let himself be held so fiercely by the other man.

He started crying in earnest only after the man had left, surrounded by the children who worried and fussed over him. He fell asleep with them during nap time and when he woke up he found Jiang Cheng placing a quilt over him.

Caught red handed, the older man feigned disinterest in the beginning... but then he sat down next to him. Just like he had done in the hospital one week ago.

“Did you see someone die before?” Jiang Cheng asked then, awkwardly scratching the back of his head, “You had such a strong... reaction to my words. It was insensitive of me. I apologize for angering you. I’ll better myself.”

XuanYu didn’t answer at that. 

Jiang Cheng would have never understood what it meant to sacrifice yourself to hatred and revenge. How much it had scarred him to be brought back to life, but only as a worn out set of robes on top of someone else’s soul. How distant he had felt when the Yiling Patriarch had inhabited his body and had let himself be touched by someone else.

Jiang Cheng would have never understood what it meant to be touched in the flesh but be utterly unreachable as a soul. Or how much it hurt to become an empty body filled by someone foreign and new. Someone who could wear his skin better than him.

Jiang Cheng would have never understood. And thank all the gods for that.

So XuanYu... Mo XuanYu kept quiet and smiled instead.

*

Lan Zhan didn’t trust Jiang Cheng. He hadn’t in the past and he wasn’t gonna start now. Wei Ying would have been so disappointed in him for thinking badly of his baby brother, but there was little Lan Zhan could do about that.

Wei Ying wasn’t there to judge him for it.

Mo XuanYu would wake up every morning and wash himself, get dressed and tidy up the room before leaving. He would fix his appearance in a mirror Young Lady Jiang had gifted him in autumn, making sure his hat was still in place.

“What would happen if I were to...?”

“You must keep your hat on... even when you sleep. You know this much.”

“I wear a headband to bed.”

“And what of it?”

“It’s... silly.”

“Nobody can see you in your sleep. Why the sudden worry?”

Mo XuanYu said nothing in response to that, but Lan Zhan knew. The kid had never worried too much about his appearance aside from looking proper and well dressed. He had never fussed over his features, but recently he had taken the habit to walk dangerously close to makeup stores and check various displays at the convenience store close by. Lan Zhan knew Mo XuanYu had remembered his past... how he had quickly realized he was already an adult. With needs and desires.

But now a brand new reincarnation of Jiang WanYin would wait for him every morning to walk to work together. Now Jiang Cheng acted pleasantly enough to be considered kind and doting to someone starved of affection like Mo XuanYu had always been. Which wasn’t planned, it had never been.

Lan Zhan didn’t like where this was going.

He didn’t like it at all.

*

Nie HuaiSang came to bring a cake for XuanYu one day or so before the end of the year, snow sticking to his hair and flushed cheeks.

“I don’t know when your birthday is... so I’m pretty sure I’m late to the game. But I wanted to thank you for helping me and MianMian that one time. So I made a cake for you. I hope you like strawberries.”

Mo XuanYu had no idea if he liked them or not. He couldn’t even eat.

He started crying in the middle of his room, where HuaiSang had placed the boxed cake on top of his low table.

Panicked, HuaiSang jumped up and out of the room to alert Jiang Cheng next door. But upon seeing the other man’s worried expression XuanYu cried even harder.

“What did you do to him, you bastard?”

“I’m not the one who used to prank people all the time. Grow up!”

“You clearly did something horrible to him for...”

“A-Cheng we’re not twelve anymore. Who do you take me for?”

XuanYu took his chance to stuff his face with cake, gulping it down bit by bit even if he knew he didn’t have the necessary organs to process it without vomiting it all out in an hour or so. He had tried many times to hold food down to no avail. His body rejecting it as if it was poisonous and dangerous.

He had tried so many times... to practice. To be able to appreciate YanLi’s generous cooking, to help A-Ling and the children at school prep their lunches and maybe... maybe to eat with Jiang Cheng every now and then.

Nie HuaiSang hugged him and patted his head, confused but too scared to ask for an explanation. Mo XuanYu smiled at him and lied, saying his cake was the best he had ever eaten. It wasn’t the best. It was simply the first.

He had no way to compare it with anything else, really.

*

Wen Ning had heard about his “stomachache” from XiChen, who had known all about it from YanLi and Jiang Cheng. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise for XuanYu when he saw the older boy in front of his apartment complex the last day of the year.

But it was a surprise.

“Can we talk for a bit?” Wen Ning asked, holding his umbrella up for XuanYu to walk beside him, protecting him from the icy snow.

They walked to the nearest park, sitting under the gazebo to watch the snow falling down. Their heavy coats keeping them warm, despite the cold.

They used to take long walks back from the kindergarten with A-Yuan after school, since the Wens lived close to XuanYu. Before Jiang Cheng came back anyway.

Wen Ning looked uncomfortable, fidgeting with his fingers as he tried to find the right words. He surprised XuanYu by telling him how, in the past, he had suffered from an eating disorder and had been hospitalized for a while in his teens. How worried his sister and their grandma had been for him, how much they helped him in his recovery. How alone he had felt for years still, no matter how loved he was.

“A-Yuan told me he never saw you eat. So I was wondering if you needed help.”

It wasn’t the case, but XuanYu knew he meant well. Telling him everything was fine would have only worried him more, so he tried to explain an half-truth that could satisfy him. Saying it was difficult for him to process food, that in the past he had suffered from malnutrition and now he had digestive issues.

He was talking about his past life, but he figured that could work as well.

When they parted ways in front of the apartment complex, Wen Ning asked to hold XuanYu’s hands for a bit. He cradled them carefully, as if they were precious. His slender fingers cupping XuanYu’s smaller palms almost reverently.

“I know you don’t feel the same about me. But I’ll ask you to look after yourself anyway. Not out of obligation for me... but out of respect for yourself, if nothing else.”

The moment Wen Ning let go of his hands, Jiang Cheng stepped out of the front door of the building and saw them.

He said nothing and walked away after stepping out of the gate.

*

Lan Zhan would have very much liked to flip a finger at Jiang WanYin’s forehead. Hard. Wei Ying would have done the same, he was sure.

Wei Ying would have also smacked some sense in his baby brother, forcing him to face his feelings and take responsibility for what he was doing to poor Mo XuanYu.

Who was currently waiting for the other man’s return like a dog by his room balcony, surveying the front courtyard like a bird of prey from above.

Lan Zhan tried to coax the kid inside, reminding him snow was still falling down and that his beanie was slipping away. He tried to be gentle about it, knowing how much XuanYu had grown resentful of the hats he had to constantly wear.

But the younger man simply shrugged, saying he wanted to wait for another five minutes. Just one more. Just to make sure.

Jiang Cheng didn’t come back that night.

And Mo XuanYu cried in his sleep clutching the half-empty vial to his chest.

Lan Zhan spent the night watching over him, singing to him the song he had written for Wei Ying. He snuggled close to XuanYu and made sure his wide headband was covering the crown of his head, before pressing himself to the other’s forehead.

He never stopped singing.

Wishing he could take all the pain away.

*

YanLi, A-Yuan and even ZiXuan knocked on his door to greet him into the new year, despite how XuanYu should have been the one to pay his respects to his landlords.

But they asked him to visit the funeral home with them instead, to say their thanks to YanLi’s parents with offers and flowers.

He dressed in his best clothes, having never been in what seemed to be a modern version of the ancestral halls of his childhood in a past life. The establishment was fairly sterile, with shelves filled with plaques and pictures instead of wooden inscriptions on an altar. The lot of them bowed and said their thanks, chatting with the late Jiangs almost as if they had never left. YanLi apologized to her mother for Jiang Cheng’s absence that year like any other year, while ZiXuan told his father-in-law how they would have visited the Jin ancestors during Chūnjié to make it fair.

XuanYu looked at them and barely kept himself from crying.

On their way back, YanLi explained her parents had died when she was still twelve and Jiang Cheng was merely six. How they had lived in the orphanage run by XiChen’s mother and made friends with the boy, who was YanLi’s classmate. How the siblings stayed there until YanLi came of age and got custody of her baby brother. ZiXuan’s family of lawyers had helped her pro bono and that was how she had met the man and fallen in love with him. Even if it had taken a while for ZiXuan to notice her at first, preoccupied with university and law school as he had been at the time. But the Jins helped her with the inheritance left by the late Madame Yu: the apartment complex where they currently lived.

Watching them explaining their past in such detail moved XuanYu deeply. Feeling as if they wanted to make him part of their family by filling in the gaps for him.

That was still his older brother after all and those were still his sister-in-law and his beloved nephew and he... he loved them. He had missed them so, so much.

And he was about to leave them again soon.

*

Wen Qing finally showed herself up one day at the park, when Mo XuanYu was taking Fairy out for an evening walk. She approached him by telling the younger man she had assisted in the surgery Xue Yang had undergone some time back.

Lan Zhan (hiding in the kid’s coat pocket) could see how startled the kid was at the mention of the criminal, but he decided to trust this version of Lady Wen as he would have done in the past.

Wei Ying cared deeply for her, after all.

Whatever truths she was about to entrust Mo XuanYu with, Lan Zhan knew the kid could take it.

He hoped as much, at least.

*

Jiang Cheng came back only for Chinese New Year. Saying he had stayed at XiChen’s since the winter break allowed them to take it easy and figure some stuff out for the following school year.

It hurt to know where he had been all along, but XuanYu braved a smile anyway. He knew how much Jiang Cheng cared for the older man, how much he wanted to save the school from the debt collector. How much he didn’t love XuanYu back.

So he let himself cry one last time before waking up one morning and deciding he had had enough.

He talked with Lan Zhan, asking him to tell him all about Wei WuXian and their love. If XuanYu’s sacrifice had allowed them to be happy as they deserved in the end. If Lan Zhan hated him now, for forcing him away from his loved one, who was currently waiting for him to come back to heaven.

Mo XuanYu knew the couple had sacrificed their chance at reincarnation to allow him to seek a second lifetime for himself. He knew Wei Ying watched over them from up above, waiting for Lan Zhan to secure a new life for the kid.

They talked all day and then well into the night.

By dawn Mo XuanYu had decided what to do.

*

XuanYu properly met Meng Yao one day of early spring, when flowers weren’t yet brave enough to poke their way out and greet the sun. The man was dressed in black, his hair cut short, a sigarette between his lips as he waited patiently for the kindergarten to open.

It was XuanYu’s duty to open that morning, so he was the one to greet the man.

Upon hearing his voice, Meng Yao immediately recognized him.

“There you are. I was waiting for you.”

“Me?”

“You’re the kid who answered the phone. And the one who helped my subordinate back in winter, right?”

His dimples were so deep, his face so pleasant.

Mo XuanYu remembered him from another lifetime. He remembered how much he had cared for his older brother Jin GuangYao. How hurt he had felt when the other had lied and accused him of harassment just to get rid of him.

But this was a new life and Meng Yao was just a man.

Who happened to have been married with XiChen for a while before turning to a life filled with crime and gang violence.

Wen Qing had told him Meng Yao had initially tried to live far away from his adoptive father Wen RuoHan. All for the sake of marrying XiChen and keep him safe. But XiChen’s mother still had had a debt to pay for the construction of the orphanage, a price too high for her to pay with her poor health and delicate disposition. A debt that XiChen had inherited from her when she had died.

That was why Meng Yao had left him: to go back to his father and ask him to handle the debt himself, supplicating him to overlook such small issue and let him dry XiChen out of every penny and cent instead.

Wen Qing may have learned this only from the gossiping running in her family, with the Wen Clan being as big as it was, but she was pretty sure of what she had told XuanYu. That Meng Yao had simply faked having fallen out of love with XiChen to protect him from his adoptive father and his cruelty. That XiChen still loved him and was waiting for him to fight alongside him instead.

Mo XuanYu knew all of this.

So now he could act and fulfill his mission.

*

“I want to pay the debt XiChen owes you.”

“You are full of surprises, XuanYu. And how do you plan to do that?”

“I can do many things.”

“You’re very pretty, you can make good money out of it.”

XuanYu considered his words before shaking his head.

“It’s not something I can do.”

“Then what can you do?”

“I’ll solve everything.”

“I’m all ears.”

“But you’ll have to stop making XiChen worry so much.”

“That’s not how business work...”

“Lie to me. Give your word and I’ll... I will solve everything.”

Meng Yao humored him and nodded.

Then and only then, Mo XuanYu took his hat off.

*

Lan Zhan had watched the entire scene unfold before his eyes without intervening, trusting Mo XuanYu with such an important choice. He took in the sight of the beautiful spiritual light shining brightly on top of XuanYu’s head like a crown.

His soul in full display, its energy so raw it had slowed down time all around them.

Lan Zhan turned around and looked at XiChen, who had just turned a corner and had been walking towards XuanYu to greet him good morning. Frozen in time, his older brother’s face still looked peaceful... simply because he had had no time to notice Meng Yao’s presence quite yet.

Lan Zhan turned once more and saw Jiang WanYin making his way in a rush towards them, surely to protect XuanYu from Meng Yao. When did he arrive? His features trapped in a perpetual frown, scared for the one he truly loved in this lifetime.

Then, Lan Zhan looked up at Mo XuanYu and saw him taking the bottle only half filled with gold... which symbolized his goodwill and generous spirit.

“Will this be enough to grant a wish, Lan Zhan?”

When XuanYu said his name like that he sounded so much like his Wei Ying, full of hope and love.

“It depends on the wish, A-Yu.”

“I reckon it’s not enough for a new reincarnation, eh?”

“It’s enough to save a life... but not yours.”

XuanYu looked crestfallen, but he persevered still.

The bottle transformed into a bag filled with money and XuanYu made his way to XiChen and left it at his feet before smiling up at his mentor and employer.

“I cannot rewrite the past, but maybe I can plan a better future for you.”

Still smiling, XuanYu slowly walked over to Jiang Cheng and said his farewells.

Then he crouched down and took Lan Zhan in his hands, kissing him goodbye on the head affectionately.

“Erase me well, Lan Zhan,” he whispered then.

Before disappearing into thin air.

***

Wei Ying had agreed with him, suggesting the idea himself.

In the end the King of Hell had granted Lan Zhan’s request and offered Mo XuanYu a second chance anyway. Since this new self-sacrifice had been fueled by positive emotions instead of anger and despair, the hell judges had considered the atonement fulfilled and put the kid’s name back on the reincarnation list.

Twenty years had past and many things had changed.

For starters, the kid’s last name wasn’t Mo anymore, but Nie. The boy had, in fact, born into Nie MingJue’s family and had lived overseas in Japan for a while before moving back to Lanling when XuanYu turned twenty. Nie HuaiSang had met him many times during summer vacations and other festivities, visiting his brother and his wife every chance he had gotten to dote on his cute nephew XuanYu.

Nie MingJue had done a remarkable job in protecting him from harm. So, by the time their little family had decided to move close to HuaiSang, XuanYu had become a well adjusted adult with a brilliant future ahead of him.

Nobody remembered him.

Or so Lan Zhan had thought.

Apparently, he had forgotten to wipe Jin Ling’s memories thoroughly. So, when The Nie family had come to greet HuaiSang’s friends YanLi and ZiXuan, A-Ling almost had a stroke out of incredulity and happiness for being reunited with his “A-Yu”. Even if Jin Ling was now older than the pretty-gege from his memories. Even if he had spent years trying to figure out why nobody seemed to remember the weird uncle living next door to his Jiujiu years back.

XiChen and Meng Yao had solved their problems and had started running the school together right after Wen RuoHan sudden and mysterious disappearance. The man had many enemies after all. 

A-Yuan had grown up into a fine young man, someone Wei Ying would have certainly been proud of, working with his cousin Wen Ning at the local botanical garden while his friends still studied in university. 

Nie HuaiSang had married Qin Su and opened a restaurant with her. 

MianMian and Wen Qing had decided to live together and adopt a bunch of dogs just because. 

Xiao XingChen and Xue Yang still lived together while Song Lan had found his way back to them after talking it out with the couple. 

A-Qing was probably running some sketchy business in social services to protect kids from horrible families.

Lan Zhan was still, unfortunately, a stuffed rabbit. Following XuanYu in his new life in the most unexpected of ways. In the form of the first present the boy’s uncle had gifted him in childhood. If Wei Ying had pulled a string or two from heaven to make that happen, well, Lan Zhan himself was none the wiser. The only thing he knew was that XuanYu had always taken him with him in all his travels even if he didn’t know he could speak. Lan Zhan had preferred not to reveal his nature and let the kid have a normal childhood. Especially since he had no memories of his past as a tenant in Jiang YanLi’s house. Nor of his life as a cultivator.

Wei Ying had agreed they could wait to be reunited again. The both of them wanting to look over XuanYu for a little longer before getting their own chance at reincarnation. They had all eternity to be together again... they could definitely wait a bit more for the kid.

All was well.

Aside from the other person whose mind Lan Zhan had conveniently forgot to wipe clean of any memory of XuanYu.

In his defense, Lan Zhan had tried to make Jiang Cheng forget. But something about XuanYu must have touched him so deeply... that Lan Zhan had not been able to do much about it. The kid’s smiles and clumsy antics would always linger in the back of the other’s mind no matter how much he tried to ignore them.

Coming back from his job at ZiXuan’s firm, exhausted and vulnerable, Jiang Cheng decided to visit his sister the same day Nie MingJue had brought his family there. So he was particularly weak to the sight of a bright, soft XuanYu when YanLi introduced her younger brother to their guests.

To Lan Zhan’s absolute delight, Jiang Cheng immediately bowed down to a scary looking Nie MingJue and asked his son’s hand in marriage.

Yes, grovel to this precious boy and learn your place.

XuanYu only tilted his head at that weird man bowing to his parents and smiled.

His laughter ringing up to the sky, where Wei Ying was still listening.

From where he would have kept watching.

*

[I worked so hard on this please reblog]

*

[kobato means “little dove” I thought it was cute since XuanYu is a magpie! + I wanted MXY a chance at life and for once this is a reversal-sacrifice from WWX’s part and I think it’s neat.]

[JC would be 43 or so... which yikes. but this is all I could do. I don’t like huge age gaps but at least everyone is a consenting adult, okay?]

[the thing that started this was like “what if LXC was an only child and LWJ did not reincarnate bc he’s still in the afterlife or something? then the entire thing escalated so...yeah.]

now I will cry for ages. I worked so hard on this good god D:

[liarbabe]

“Weird.”

What is weird? What does weird mean?

Is it something we don’t understand? Something that makes us uncomfortable? Something that makes no sense?

For my classmates, weird meant... me.

It started out pretty early on, in 4th grade, I think.

I was an extremely loud and dramatic kid with an overworked imagination and I got bored easily. I wasn’t easy to deal with.

I used to build these worlds and characters and magical beings all around me, and then I’d bring them to the real world and play with them. In front of the other kids.

At some point, they started to realize something was wrong with me.

What is she talking to? And why is she always playing alone?

They started being careful around me. Suspicious.

But I didn’t give a shit. I mean, I had my best friend, my worlds, my brothers, i was living my best life, man. Why was I supposed to care about those stupid boring kids?

After the end of 5th grade, my best friend moved to a different school. It wasn’t far away, we’d still see each other on weekends, but he wasn’t around as often anymore.

He’d left me. I was alone. An over-imaginative little kid, alone in a world full of children who were growing up too fast. 

That’s when the word weird started sticking to me like glue.

There was this one kid, Simon, who liked me a lot apparently, because everytime he’d see me (and we were in the same class, so it happened frequently) he’d start spurting out those lovely insults and sad jokes all his friends adored. His favourite one was “decerebrata”, which in English can translate as brainless. He was an insecure rude kid with an inferiority complex, obviously he didn’t know the meaning of the word. He liked the sound of it. And the way it made me feel. Because I was the one who read books, I knew what that word meant. And I didn’t exactly like it.

And I have to thank him for helping me realize something so vital, something that influenced me so much I still haven’t gotten rid of it completely.

What I realized, was that the more insecure you make people, the meaner they will get.

And I suspected that my being weird (word I was starting to get used to) was the thing that made them insecure, even though I didn’t exactly know how.

So my twelve-year-old, tired brain concluded that the solution was... to stop being weird.

“That’s it” i thought. “I cracked the code! I become a normal kid, they don’t get insecure, and maybe stop being mean to me!”

And that’s what i did.

I started cutting off pieces of my personality, my way of talking, of reacting. Only years later I’d realize in the process, I had cut off many of the things that made me... me.

I tried to restrict the weirdness to reading books, but that was viewed as weird as well, so I stopped doing that too.

By the end of eighth grade, I had become an introvert.

I, the loud kid that would go on monologuing about what they’d invented that afternoon to anyone who’d even just pretend to listen, had become a quiet, shy kid.

Middle school was kinda hell.

Then we got to high school. Which was better, on many levels.

Since my extra ass couldn’t bear to keep the extra-ness in the closet anymore, on day two of hs I’d already gone back to full weirdo. But I was different. Partly I had grown, so many of the things that I used to do back in middle school had lost their appeal, but partly I was just... scarred. All that cutting off without distinctions, and I ended up losing a few things forever. Plus, I was scared, now. Hiding it was just too tiring, so I just got weird whenever I felt like it, but there was this voice in my head that kept saying “oh my god, look at how they’re staring at you, look at how that one is trying not to laugh at you, look at them, normal kids, thinking how fucking weird you are”.

Simon and I had gone to different schools, and the few friends of his that had gone to my school just didn’t care enough, I guess. I actually became friends wih some of them, later on.

So that was out of the way. The direct confrontation had stopped, because kids get more subtle as they grow up.

The laughing stopped and the whispering started.

I didn’t realize at first. I was just too happy to be back to my usual self.

But around half of 9th grade, it was January, i think, I was sitting in maths class, trying to pay attention to whatever the teacher was saying, and I overheard a conversation.

Sitting behind me was Lewis, one of the popular kids, decently pretty but as smart as a peanut, because he “whispered” (and I say “whispered” because not only I, sitting in front of him, but the whole class heard him) to his deskmate:

“Man, *my name* is so fucking weird”.

I got war flashbacks.

I didn’t give a shit about Lewis. I’d talked to him maybe once. I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me.

So fucking weird.

So fucking weird.

Weird.

The only thing I could think of was “please, not again.”

And that’s how “weird” makes people feel.

I’m white, cis and able-bodied, so I know nothing about oppression.

But neither do you, other white, cis and able-bodied people. Do you know how being called “weird” feels like?

Weird implicating different, uncomfortable. Wrong.

I’ve never heard the black kids in my grade, or that Middle Eastern blind guy in my English class, or that trans girl who took the same bus as me for three years, call me weird. Not even once.

Is it okay to hate on people for something they can’t control?

For something that doesn’t affect you in the slightest?

Just because you don’t know how to deal with them?

Trust me, there are soooo many words better than weird.

One of them is interesting.

Instead of blindly hating, can we try understanding first? People are being scarred, mentally and physically, because we, as a society, are used to judging before we know anything.

And I don’t think that’s okay.

[twinkluffy]

[AO3] TodoDeku fanfiction recommendations.

Hi there, this your local shipper trash with a longpost for TodoDeku fanfiction in AO3. 

Fanfics with Smut/lemon will be rated with an “T” or “M” beside the tittle. I know we have people under 18 in the fandom and i want it to be a safe space for them (but I also know you little sinners will read it anyway because i was young once too)

all the link + summary under the cut.

Hamartia 

She boils a pot of water and blinks away her tears 

Oh my, oh my goodness!

He had been too absorbed in his own thoughts to even notice how dangerously close they got, young Todoroki had pushed his student against the wall and they seemed to be whispering, young Midoriya didn't look too freaked out and his face was definitely red. All Might watched as Midoriya's eyes softened and his hands came to rest upon Todoroki's shoulders, gasping when the other only pulled him closer for a warm looking embrace.

Oh my.

Clandestine [Rated M]

These dorms are a double edged sword, especially with the dual consolation and obstruction named Midoriya Izuku.

Crispiness of a fucking nerd 

Awkward boyfriends have to practice after their first kiss goes horribly awry.

Passion

When he was young, Shouto knew the meaning of kindness. Then he manifested his Quirk. He became Todoroki after this. He locked his younger, naive self in the strongest safe box his mind could muster. Then he met Midoriya and remembered who he was.

Tie the knot [Rated M]

Todoroki and Midoriya's Bedroom Adventure.

Red Rope [Rated T]

Todoroki takes up an ancient, but beautiful form of art to practice. Midoriya slowly falls into it.

knock it back [Rated M]

Midoriya reads the label and his eyes bug out. "I know he's getting old, but your dad's going to notice this missing."

He grins. "So?"

or they waste some expensive wine.

(nothing really gay about it)  [background pairs tsuchako and momojirou + sweet precious Kirishima]

If anyone had asked him what he thought he’d be doing at three that morning, Kirishima probably would have said “playing angry birds” or “making popcorn” or something. Definitely not playing wingman-slash-relationship-counselor to a hopelessly confused Todoroki Shouto.

And yet...

How would you feel 

It’s Wednesday morning when Izuku’s mother texts him to remind him about his cousin’s wedding coming up the following weekend, and it’s Wednesday evening, when Izuku’s back in his room after classes and has time to call her, that she tells him she can’t go to the wedding with him.

An arrow to a blunde [AU]

In which Todoroki Enji tries to screw around with Shouto's life (again), but fails to account for the fact that his son's boyfriend has both backup and determination to spare.

Land and sea [AU]

Midoriya Izuku never expected to be the victim of a plane crash. He never expected to be trapped with nineteen other teenagers on a deserted island, either. Izuku also didn't expect to form such a strong relationship with Todoroki Shouto.

Painting the night with the sun 

Heroism is not a low-risk occupation. Hospital waiting rooms are not pleasant places. Ochako's clothes are stained with her best friend's blood.

Today has not been a very good day.

Just a fantasy [Rated M]

Todoroki can't help but think about Midoriya even when things start to get hot. He wonders what it would be like if he were around for real to touch him. His imagination just goes wild with the thought of Midoriya being near him. 

from somewhere within

Todoroki wants. He always wants. 

Lace  [Rated T]

“Welcome home, Izuku,” Todoroki says. 

His radiance in the dark 

In other dreams, the words they pass between them were minimal or at least indecipherable, with only the whisper of each other’s given name over and over. But now, Midoriya looks in Shouto’s eyes, says his name, and says, What are you so afraid of?

fake it till you make it 

“Your d-d-d-date?” Izuku swears he’s overheating. He can almost feel the steam coming out of his ears. He’s lucky they’re the only ones in the room, because his face is so red, it could rival Kirishima’s hair.

“Yes. I would like it if you could pretend to be my boyfriend for the duration of the wedding,” Todoroki deadpans. “It would piss off my father.”

Up the wall

He was told love makes you weak.

Well, Todoroki would like to disagree.

I won’t just buy you a rose 

Shouto decides to visit his mother for the first time in years, and decides to stop at a flower shop along the way.

He freezes in place, and before he can move again someone is bustling through the door behind the counter, all messy hair and wide green eyes. It’s a teenager, a little shorter than Shouto but probably the same age. He’s got a wide smile and there’s a smudge of dirt on his cheek, which instantly draws Shouto’s attention. His fingers itch to rub it off.

Bedroom escapade [Rated M]

The sheets underneath them bundled and creased under the weight of their bodies. Midoriya grasped at the thin, white linens as Todoroki trailed his tongue ever so slowly down the other man's chest. Midoriya's back naturally curled at the feeling, Todoroki's tongue running over his lithe form and prominent ab muscles. Hands clung to Midoriya's waist, squeezing lightly as the younger man squirmed slightly. 

I wish i could say all these things to you  

Todoroki couldn’t help but want more, knowing his life means more with Midoriya in it. Wishing he could say how complete and whole he feels with him in his life. But willing pushing that aside for Midoriya to stay by his side for as long as possible.

Until one evening, a stinky dumpster cat aggressively entered their lives.

Plum blossoms

Todoroki visits Midoriya after an accident that takes a good chunk of his memory away, specifically his memory of All Might.

Luxury 

He knew it wasn’t a good idea, but he just couldn’t help himself. 

Study sessions

“My scar. Is it that bad, or something?”

The silence that followed was killer, making him wonder if asking was really worth it. Midoriya looks on at him with a mix of emotions before huffing out a sigh, sagging in his seat, coming to a conclusion. “You’re going to think I’m weird, Todoroki-kun.”

“Try me.”

Fight Club 

In his defense, Izuku would mention the fact that they are fifteen and that sparring with an extremely attractive male – it‘s just the adrenaline rush, really - is bound to result in this. Social media had taught him that much, at least.

It‘s just his rotten luck that his 'handsome sparring partner' happens to be his friend Todoroki Shouto. Which is entirely unfair and really bad for Izuku‘s poor rabbit-heart.

(alternatively: Midoriya fights his sexuality, inferiority complex, feelings, and his crush)

a burger and extra salty fries 

In his third year at UA, Todoroki Shouto works in a burger place, catches on fire and falls in love. Only two of those things are on purpose.

Or...Todoroki Shouto's exciting adventures in customer service.

Visions 

Todoroki sees the glimpses of the future that he yearns for and he finds himself afraid.

contemplation

"If I die first, could you cremate me?"

Or, in which Midoriya has thoughts and Todoroki is a good boyfriend.

Let it go [Villain!Deku]

He’s got him this time. This time for real.

Carnations and delphiniums

The awkward atmosphere had dissipated, and Todoroki felt a bit more vulnerable like that. Just him and Midoriya, hands intertwined, sharing some new unspoken secret that neither of them really knew what it was.

The Earth could have split in half right then and there, and Todoroki wouldn't have ever noticed.

Petals for you [Hanahaki au]

“You’re pretty.”

Shouto’s eyes widened, as he looked at the boy sitting opposite of him. Midoriya was staring at him with such concentration, that he felt overwhelmed.

just like falling asleep (or falling in love)

From the very beginning, Todoroki's always been walking on unsteady ground. He thinks of falling and he thinks of landing, and he isn't sure which he's more terrified of.

I’d fight for you

“What the hell is this?” Todoroki shot up at the voice, causing Midoriya to lose his balance, and tumble off his boyfriend and back onto the couch. It would have been quite comical, had the situation not become deadly in mere seconds.

“You’re not supposed to be back yet.”

Look out your window

“Izuku.” Todoroki placed a kiss on the tip of Midoriya’s nose. “Izuku.” His cheek. “Izuku.” His mouth.

They'd finally decided to call each other by their first names and Todoroki didn't know how he'd survived until now not saying it.

He leaned down and kissed Midoriya again. “Izuku.”

If you’re looking for something more specific send me a message/ask! ❤ 

[jinjojess]

Could you elaborate on what you dislike about Death Note? If you feel like doing it, of course! I always enjoy your unpopular opinions so I would like to hear more about this. I personally liked many aspects of it, but I can also see many flaws, and the second part of the story is way less fun. Also: "Remember how I can't stand characters transparently designed to appeal to a certain kind of fan" PLEASE GO ON. I need a serious critique of the characters!

Oof, I don’t know if I have that in me, but here’s a semi-short version.

Death Note has a lot of objective stumbles, but honestly the thing about it is that it’s very much Not For Me and that’s where I have the most issues.

Spoilers for the entire series, just in case.

Edit: This got really fucking long, I’m so sorry mobile users…

Note: This will be manga-based since I read the entire manga, but have only seen a few of the anime episodes.

So I was very on board with the series in the early chapters of the manga, because I liked how it was exploring the way that Light starts off as this really eager do-gooder who gets corrupted by power. In the early chapters he looks younger and adorable, and you can see a physical change in the way he carries and presents himself as he becomes more Kira than Light. Loved the idea of presenting a protagonist and then turning him into the villain and testing the reader to see if they would still side with him or not. That was cool.

I probably would have enjoyed his rivalry with L more if I didn’t find L so personally obnoxious. A lot of people like him (to the point where I feel like I am the sole dissenter) and I don’t think he’s necessarily the worst character, but just like…I dunno. Something about him and the way he’s treated in the series just feels so…I don’t know how to put this…wish fulfillment-y? Like he’s this dude who really shouldn’t be attractive because he’s gaunt and pale and clearly doesn’t take care of himself at all, plus he’s got all these nervous tics that would probably be at best politely tolerated while everyone talks about how awkward he is behind his back but like…I don’t remember that ever happening really.

Like if the police force were like “Jesus, dude, just sit like a normal human being for once,” I’d have found him more believable as an actual character instead of this guy conspicuously being weird to show off how “different” and “special” he is. Plus he’s also athletic, despite not ever being shown practicing or going to the gym or anything–he’s just super good at martial arts and a tennis champ, guys. Like sorry, but for those of us in the real world, we have to adhere to social codes and actually work for that kind of shit, and while some people find comfort in this sort of idealized escapism, it’s always just pissed me off from a personal standpoint.

Basically L feels like he was created to appeal to socially awkward fangirls who could squee over him and be like “he’s weird and socially awkward just like me! but everyone would be jealous of me if he was my boyfriend because unlike me everyone loves him!” Which in and of itself is not inherently Bad or anything, but it gives me a sense of unbearable second-hand embarrassment so I just cannot deal with that.

Let me be clear here: those kinds of fangirls completely deserve to have media aimed at them, and Death Note fills that niche pretty well. Again, this complaint is from a place of personal preference, and is just to get you to understand why Death Note turned out to not really be my cup of tea.

(Plus also where is the storyline where L gains weight or gets type 2 diabetes from surviving on sweets? Oh, it’s because his brain burns too many calories. Fuck that guy.)

Misa is similar in that she’s basically Yamato Nadeshiko: Goth Edition and that just ain’t my thing. Like don’t get me wrong–I love me some tragically loyal people, but I usually prefer that they also be capable in some other way (Pekoyama can swordfight like a badass, Sakakura is a world-class boxer, Mukuro is…well, Mukuro, etc.). MisaMisa is kind of a fuck up. Plus iirc she’s an idol and sorry, if you are not part of Maizono’s posse I have zero time for you.

Anyway, the fact that the reader is supposed to feel less sympathy for Light because of his treatment of Misa is interesting, but it’s kind of clouded by the fact that Misa is so annoying to me personally that I just wanted her to fucking die already and get out of the narrative. Rem, you are too good for this shit.

I did find the police force itself pretty charming, though. I was rooting for them for most of the story.

Ryuk was great too. A nice provider of very needed levity, and probably the most consistently good point of the series, at least until the very end which I’ll get into in a second.

Anyway, the more technical issues I have with Death Note are with its pointless meandering. There’s that famous tennis scene where it’s supposed to be really exciting because Light and L are trying to figure each other’s psychology out, but the things they’re thinking aren’t at all realistic. Like trying to win a tennis match proves you’re competitive ergo you must be Kira? What? It’s overthinking very mundane things that would have too many variables to ever be conclusive proof of anything, and it turns out to be pointless since they both reach that conclusion at the end of the game anyway.

So yeah, my biggest issue with Death Note was that it wasted so much of my time. It feels a little like the V3 trials, where you’d be purposefully led down this boring, clearly incorrect route so that the reader could be “surprised” when it turned out that something could be Occam’s Razor’d. There are entire volumes where nothing happens. And I don’t mean like, nothing physically happens, but the characters are having intense debates or whatever. I remember reading volumes where only two real conversations were had, and the rest of the time was everyone imagining and mentally preparing for said conversations.

Maybe my memory of the series is too patchy, since I read the manga over a decade ago in 2005, but I remember a LOT of padding.

Something I did think was handled well was how Light defeats L. That was pretty great because at heart I do love super smart villains with stupidly complicated plans, and that one was pretty great, especially since I figured that L wouldn’t be going anywhere.

However, the series should have ended here. It should have ended with Kira winning out over L, but the law being closer to figuring out who Kira is, leaving the reader in a state of uncertainty about the future of this world and Light as a character.

Would that have wrapped up all the loose ends? No. But it would be way better than what we got in the second half of the series, I think most people would agree.

So let’s talk for a second about Near and Mello.

To touch again on the “this was clearly for a certain kind of fan” subject, how hard do you think the publishers shit themselves when they realized that L was going to die but the series wasn’t over? L was and still is by far the most popular character from the series, and the fangirls were probably not going to be pleased that their husbando got ejected from the narrative.

So what do we do?

Replace him with more of the same!

While L was annoyingly teetering on Gary Studom, Near is basically that just with an added dose of “precocious child” which doesn’t really help the situation. I hesitate to call him Shouta L, even if that’s how it feels sometimes, but I just felt like Near was way too similar to L to be his own character. He felt more like L was reborn as a kid for the Death Note Babies spin-off.

Mello was a lot more interesting, with the inferiority complex and his tendency to, you know, actually do things. The only part of the latter half of the series I remember liking was when Mello kidnapped Light’s sister and there was this tiny glimmer of humanity left in him where he didn’t want her to die. However this was always offset for me by the fact that he was running around with an exposed midriff because yeah we need to have fanservice somewhere man. (Again, not inherently Bad and fangirls deserve their fanservice too, but like…not my thing, at all.) It just felt very…calculated, if that makes sense.

What would have been way more interesting to me would be Light finding out about these orphans being groomed to take over for L and there being some kind of commentary on how the side of “good” is using these really dubious and unethical methods to catch Kira, bringing up the question of whether or not they’re actually any better. Like let’s talk about that.

Okay so. The only thing left to talk about is the ending. And holy shit, that fucking ending.

I was still trying to be on board with Death Note even in the second half where I had very little desire to finish it but felt like I’d already invested the time and money so I might as well. I was trying so damn hard, and I was still kind of enjoying the ridiculous lengths Kira was going to get a one-up on his pursuers, with the fake out girlfriends and the cult, and the fucking pieces of Death Note pages inside the secret compartment of his watch and shit…it was so dumb but in like a fun way.

And to be clear, I’m fine with Light losing in the end, and being undone by his own hubris.

But to only have it happen because Ryuk decides to conveniently help the police? Like, that’s dumb. The entire thing hinges on Ryuk deciding at that very moment to fuck Light over–sure, whatever, he’s not on a side, sure. I don’t expect him to actually pull a Rem, but he must have fucking known that the lackey’s book was fake (who, by the way, should have planned to do away with everyone one at a time, using the power to determine how people die to make it look like an accident, and then he would have noticed that his notebook wasn’t a real one). At least hint toward Ryuk getting fed up, or bored, or something so that this doesn’t seem so frustratingly convenient.

Though Ohba apparently once said that L was the smartest character because “the plot needs him to be” so there you go. That’s his approach. Plot contrivances are the order of the day.

So yeah, anyway.

That’s why I’m not that fond of Death Note. Part of it is because of personal biases against certain kinds of characters that are not appealing to me, and part of it is because the entire story feels like it’s taking itself too seriously and is trying to be more clever than it is. As a more compact narrative I think it would probably get a pass, but the fact that it’s so bloated and sprawling really makes it hard for me to consider it objectively good.

…Turns out I did have it in me.

[elizas-writing]

Do Not Let Joss Whedon Touch My Girls: Featuring an Analysis of His Scrapped Wonder Woman Script

With the mass success of Wonder Woman, hopes rose back up for the future of female-led comic book movies. But the worry may settle back in with news of Joss Whedon to direct, write, and produce a Batgirl film for the DC Extended Universe (and he’s already on board with Justice League’s post-production writing and directing). Why does this matter? Well, it turns out once upon a time, Whedon was originally set to write and direct Wonder Woman over a decade ago, but left the project in 2007 due to creative differences. And just last month, his scrapped script was leaked online, and to be brutally honest, it’s shit. Easily one of the worst things I’ve read, and I had to read Twilight for the first time in a college class.

I already lost trust in Whedon as a good writer, especially with what he pulled in Avengers: Age of Ultron, so this script just doesn’t help my trust at all. And here I am to tear it apart, because dammit, someone’s gotta do it.

DISCLAIMER: I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT THAT BUFFY AND FIREFLY WERE GOOD

Okay, for some reason, any time someone brings up that Whedon is a bad writer, I always see at least one person with severely unhealthy geek loyalty go “But what about Buffy and Firefly?” I don’t give a shit, because that’s not what I’m talking about. What matters for this piece is how Whedon handles women in comic book films, especially in the recent years. I’m sure if you rewatch something like Buffy now, you’ll find some of the feminism that was groundbreaking for the late 90s/early 2000s to be dated by 2017 standards. Times change fast, and so do audience expectations. No writer is without flaws or above criticism, and I hate people trying to blindly defend them even when their writing is so painfully awful. Do you watch Pixels and defend Adam Sandler because he did 50 First Dates? Do you watch The Last Airbender and defend M. Night Shyamalan for The Sixth Sense? I don’t think so. Please set aside the geek loyalty for once and have some capacity for critical analysis. I know most of y’all learned it in your high school English classes.

Part I: Damage to MCU

Now I want to preface this as to why I’m especially bitter about Whedon as a writer. And what better place to start than his work with the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Before Whedon went to work with DC, he was with Marvel Studios and wrote and directed the monster hit and fifth highest grossing film of all time, The Avengers. He went on to create Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, write and direct Avengers: Age of Ultron, and creatively consult with other MCU films. Unfortunately, Age of Ultron spurred fury from audiences with an ever-so unnecessary and forced romance between Bruce Banner (Hulk) and Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow) where the only thing they have in common is sterility, so they can be satisfied on a fulfilling relationship without babies. Did anyone proofread this and tell Whedon this was awkward and creepy? Not to mention there was little to no precedence since the first film clearly established the strong distrust between the two?

And any potential for Black Widow being a compelling character was just thrown out the window. That great monologue from Loki confronting her about the “red in [her] ledger” in Avengers? The possible repercussions from her leaking all of S.H.I.E.L.D’s secrets, including her dark past, to the whole world in Captain America: The Winter Soldier? Her fear of losing her friends because of the crimes she committed? “Love is for children?” Nope! Let’s focus all of her problems on her sterility and not on the fact that she was never given a choice to begin with! Goodbye continuity and goodbye Black Widow movie!

But just as insulting is reducing the character of Wanda Maximoff (Scarlet Witch). Not only did they erase her Jewish-Romani heritage AND have her volunteer for Neo-Nazi experiments, but all her complex mental health issues and her reality-bending powers are diminished to “she’s weird.” She has little to no development, looks more child-like than anything (by God, how old is Wanda supposed to be in this universe anyway?), and she honestly reads more like a discount River Tam. And this affected her in future films as Captain America: Civil War doesn’t bother to develop her further beyond her instability and ends with her in a straight-jacket. Classy.

So with this in mind, you can imagine the animosity of the idea of Whedon trying to tackle a female-led superhero film again with another comic book movie universe. Somewhere he lost his touch, or, as we soon find out, he probably wasn’t a good writer to begin with.

Part II: Joss Whedon’s Wonder Woman AKA Steve Trevor: The Movie

Whether or not this draft was even close to being the final script for the project way back when, I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, because as is, it’s pretty damn awful. This was the same guy who gave us Buffy? Wow. Plus it feels appropriate to talk about it now given the successful release of Wonder Woman as directed by Patty Jenkins and compare what we got versus what could have happened.

For starters, why “AKA Steve Trevor: The Movie” you may ask? Well, one of the biggest problems of this script is that it’s mostly from the perspective of Diana’s love interest, not, you know, the title character. All the background of the Amazons is reduced to just five sentences in the beginning, and they take up only the first 20 or so pages of the 116 page script. Their past is never further explained, you don’t get to know any of these women-- who are described as “almost inhuman” (7)--, and Diana is severely underdeveloped. She talks on about what she really should be and how she can be more than what she is, but that’s all we get. She never gets a backstory or a solid reason to leave Themyscira besides following this man she just met because Athena must have sent him for her. She even seems estranged from her mother for being rule breaker (even though Diana is in the right), and they never talk about their problems or resolve anything in the end.

But no, instead of creating positive female interactions, we have all the time in the world devoted to Steve Trevor and, oh my fucking god, he’s just the most insufferable douche canoe in the history of ever. He’s a constant downer and always talks down to Diana for her curiosity and compassion. And there was enough to make a list of all the awful things he says to her (with some context of course):

Page 17, when Diana wants to learn more about Steve because she sees his arrival as a sign: “So my imminent death is, wow, all about you.”

Page 17-18, Steve tries dropping the subject and ushering Diana out: “I’ll call you. I mean it. Let’s keep in touch.... ‘Let’s keep in touch’ is American for get the hell out of my face.”

Page 18, Diana STILL wants to understand Steve: “Can’t. Is that another new word for you? Means ‘are unable to.’”

Page 18, A man and woman bickering must mean they’re in love cliche: “You and I have nothing in common.”

Page 19, What the actual fuck: “Your mom is Queen of Crazy Town but she’s right to be scared. You wanna stay as far away from the real world as possible. They’d eat you alive, Princess.”

Page 27, An Amazon warrior who’s trained since childhood has to stay hidden from a warlord: “You’re not ready to deal with these people. No offense.”

Page 57, If I had to read this whole paragraph, so do you (also, teeheehee he was sitting on the lasso of truth by accident): “I think you’re dangerous. I think you mean well but you’re looking for trouble and you’re wildly adept at finding it. I think you’ve got delusions of grandeur and some actual grandeur, which is confusing. I don’t like confusing. I hate the fact that I’m so attracted to you, just touching you is overwhelming and I keep hoping you’ll turn around so I can see more of you naked.”

Page 58, Whedon apparently forgot to add dismantling toxic hypermasculinity to his brand of feminism: “There’s a reason men don’t like to talk about their feelings.”

Page 83, Didn’t we just have a montage of Diana SAVING PEOPLE: “And it never occurred to you that you’re the reason it’s getting worse?”

Page 83, Again, THERE WAS A MONTAGE OF HER SAVING PEOPLE: “We’re human beings, Diana, and that’s something you will never understand.”

Page 84, Oh, my fucking, god: “You’re not a hero, Diana. You’re a fucking tourist.”

So, yeah, Steve Trevor just gets increasingly worse as the story progresses and has no idea how to talk to Diana without criticizing the most mundane things she does. And she just lets him get away with saying this, and he always seems to have the last word like somehow he’s always right! Pretty much every adaptation of Diana shows a woman who is the last person you’d fuck with because she could kill you in an instant if she wanted to. Hell, in a Justice League comic issue, Batman just keeps an empty box of Wonder Woman’s weakness as a dramatic reveal that she has little to no weaknesses.

If Whedon actually bothered to give a damn about her character, Steve would have figured out after the first insult to shut his mouth.

To make it worse, the unnecessary arguing is solely used to promote the stupid idea that if a man and a woman argue, it must mean they’ll be a couple in the end, which is a stupid, god awful trope and doesn’t make for a realistically healthy relationship. Yes, Diana and Steve still argued in the 2017 movie, but they were realistic arguments about their conflicting ideologies about war, saving people, and human nature. And neither of them were wrong, so they spend most of the movie trying to meet halfway with each other. But instead of compelling dilemmas like that, Whedon just made it all about Steve and his inferiority complex and only gives him a sad backstory. I didn’t give two shits about this guy; I was waiting for Strife to just kill him.

The villains felt like a last-minute addition to give the plot conflict after only about forty pages. Honestly, I zoned out and do not remember the specifics outside of destroying Gateway city just cause and some commentary about gentrification. I was already so pissed off with the rest of the script that I couldn’t be bothered to care about the villains, their motivation or the fate of Gateway City.

Oh, and remember the awesome stuff Diana did like running through No Man’s Land, flipping an armored truck, and leaping building to building? Fuck that shit! After one bullet to the chest, she’s knocked unconscious for six hours! And later on, Strife drops a building her which renders her unconscious again! Both times afterwards, she wakes up half-naked to Steve treating her wounds which is just freaking creepy. She’s constantly put in the male gaze while also being called a whore and bitch about five times, has to do a sensual dance to see Bacchus where all these men just stare at her, BUT also seems to be horrified seeing a run down Gateway city with sex workers galore (okay, weren’t the Greeks pretty open about sexuality? How is this shocking to Diana?).

There’s also a far too long drawn out scene where Diana gives up to save Steve, who is anything but redeemable, and spends about ten pages in the middle of a jungle weak and defenseless because apparently Whedon wanted to keep the whole “if her wrists are bound, she loses her power” bullshit as an excuse to give her a low point. It comes out of nowhere, and I don’t even know much about this version of Diana to really care; I just want to finish reading this terrible script already.

I just keep thinking of all the bad ass, rocking scenes of Diana in the movie we got, and her being reduced to weakness and submission because bullshit reasons is completely out of character. It’s almost like Whedon never sat down and actually fucking analyzed a Wonder Woman comic in his life. Watching this...

and this...

AND THIS (you see the point I’m making yet?)

... and reading Whedon’s Mary Sue version of Wonder Woman is like comparing the action in 300 to the action in The Last Airbender. Anything interesting he could have incorporated from the comics or other TV/film adaptations into his script and save the bad writing was tossed out the window, and as a result, the titular character who’s supposed to be the protagonist, is obnoxiously one-dimensional. But hey Joss, at least you got to make a running joke how much she hates guns and make a throw away line about Aphrodite going crazy and getting plastic surgery (71)! GOOOOOD FOR YOOOOU.

Sigh... I don’t know what else to say folks. This is just awful writing, and thank God it never saw the light of day because it would have destroyed a great character. The only good this script did for me was that I appreciate the film we got way more, and am so thankful there was a team behind it that knew to treat their characters respectfully, tell a cohesive story, and rework cliches for an enjoyable experience. And it further cements why I don’t trust Whedon to so much as touch Batgirl or any female-led comic book films again, because I don’t put it past him to mess up character development like he did with Black Widow and Scarlet Witch and what he could have done to Wonder Woman.

And before you go “but wait Eliza,” need I remind you one of the last times we saw Barbara Gordon’s character grossly mishandled, she was only there to be paralyzed and sexually assaulted AND she and Batman fucked?

Yeah, I thought so. Let this GIF be a reminder what happens when no one steps in to tell their male coworkers this is a bad idea, especially in regards to female characters who are more complex than just being pretty and punching things. Give the reigns to someone besides Whedon or get a team that will criticize his bad characterization choices before he fucks another superheroine over.