#shes been alone for years at this point and even when her grandma was alive they werent exactly close

[radioisntdead]

I need to see it immediately.

Where is Susan, our grandmother, and we are her grandson/granddaughter

Give this woman love!!! 💗💗

What sweet nonsense is where the reader spends time with his grandmother

Good evening my dear! I am SO GLAD Y'ALL WANT SUSAN CONTENT LIKE I DO, I ADORE Susan, I think this counts as a drabble? Anyways I added a sprinkle of angst, definitely differs from my Susan & child/nibling reader headcanons but we're not gonna talk about that, anyways I hope you enjoy!

Grandma Susan

Warnings!

Cannibalism, and Susan

Down in Cannibal town lived a pair of a cranky old lady and her grandchild,

Her old lady babysitting may or may not have been picked up off the streets grandchild,

You see your grandmama Susan was a MENACE TO SOCIETY, to be fair she earned it, she went through life in the 1800's but that's not an excuse for her smacking people she didn't like with her cane, or cursing them out,

the majority of the cannibal town residents were excused, as they were a tight knit community and Susan was, somehow, respected

only a few unlucky cannibalistic souls were smacked harshly with the cane.

You were dubbed the Susan handler at some point by Rosie so whenever Susan was Susan-ing you were called to calm down your dearest grandmama, it did come with the risk of getting gently smacked with the cane but you didn't particularly mind it, the most you said to do was calm her down and offer to get her some tea and pray that she would quit cursing at random overlords and the princess of hell.

But caring for your elderly grandmama wasn't all chaos and fearing for her life, you did have bonding moments, such as now, your grandmother much like many old people liked knitting, mainly because she could stab someone with the needles if needed, you on the other hand preferred crochet. [Spreading my crochet propaganda]

It was days like this you adored, acidic rain pouring outside, the radio playing some type of classical music, you sat cozily in the couch listening to your meemaw Susan ramble on about kids these days and how back in her day they were more respectful or whatever, or maybe drop lore about how she was involved in supporting woman's rights movements from the shadows, maybe how when she was alive she did this or that while she knitted a throw pillow,

You'd get her nagging at you about how you should hurry up and get hitched, although she didn't approve of anyone for her dear grandchild, secretly afraid of the day you would finally grow up and move away from her, leaving her alone, sure she had the cannibals but they weren't her beloved grandchild,

She'd never tell you that though, but you knew, after all you were closest to her, and frankly you weren't planning on leaving her anytime soon, even if you did you wouldn't go far.

Or the days where you'd cook together bonding over her teaching you how to make cannibal meat loaf, or you grilling a sinner thigh during the summertime outside, with Susan under an umbrella going on about something.

Specifically winter holidays of gifting your Nana Susan something you made like a blanket or something you saved up for like a parasol,

She'd make a comment about it but would use it all the time, after all actions speak louder the words,

She'd give you something expensive that you mentioned in passing about liking, waving off your excitement by saying she got it last minute like it hadn't been hidden in her woredrob for the past two months.

Birthdays with her were bittersweet, they were a sign that you had survived another year in this hell, that you both were growing older and older, how long it had it been since you were alive? You'd bake her favorite cake, pick up pinkie fingers, and get her something nice,

She'd order a cake for you, cursing at the poor employee to make it perfect for her grandchild, she'd buy you a set of pearls or some type of jewelry.

You'd sit down Infront of her rocking chair and place a brush in her hands asking her to brush your hair, no matter the length {unless your bald then I guess she's brushing your scalp? With a soft brush}

You curled into her arms, it was after the extermination, Many Cannibals were lost, friends you had known for ages gone just like that, she couldn't say anything, no snappy comment, no words of comfort, she could only watch as you sobbed into her, the only thing she could do was pat your back until you were smoothed to sleep.

You woke up the next day with warm soup on the stove and a blanket on you with Susan snoozing away on her old wooden rocking chair.

Actions speak far louder then words.

Your grandmother was cranky, grumpy, had zero fear towards death, she cursed like a sailor and she had a soft spot for you,

And you wouldn't have it any other way.

SUSAN SUPREMACY, also I switched around calling her Nana and Meemaw Susan because she wouldn't have just the classic grandma Susan,

Anyways I got one more Susan request and part two of Eldritch horror reader coming up so tune on in for that! Have a wonderful evening everyone!

[academyofbrokenhearts]

I have finally finished reading Blossom. Happy ending in the novel too, although a lot of things were vastly different; the main couple, of course, remained superior until the end.

Things we got in the novel that I am glad didn't make it into the series:

Dou Zhao, an adult woman, scheming and navigating complex familial relationships while in a two year old, then a five year old body. I get how it might be interesting for some, but it was incredibly boring for me, and since she managed to neutralise her stepmother quite early on, I saw no need to spend so much time watching her building up and managing relationships with everyone in the Dou family. Moreover, I am glad that the size of the family was trimmed down (I still can't make sense of all the relationships presented in the novel) and some characters were changed compared to how they were in the novel; it was amazing to see Grandma, who had been only a concubine in the book (and therefore couldn't even be called Grandma by Dou Zhao according to customs, let alone have any kind of power), turning into a formidable matriarch, and it was also cool to see Zhao Zhangru as the constant sidekick;

no Song Mo until 114 chapters in. I must confess that my main fascination in both the series and the novel was the relationship between the mains, and the fact that he is only mentioned once or twice before his first dramatic appearance was definitely not enough for me;

way too much time spent on side characters; like I said in a previous post, did I really need to know in detail how Suxin and Sulan ended up serving Dou Zhao? And it felt even more useless since in the novel they end up getting married and leaving the Song Manor, and only getting mentioned in passing from that moment on;

Things I wish would have made it into the series, but did not (and some of them could have never made it, unless the entire censorship board would have been in a coma):

all the sexual encounters between Song Mo and Dou Zhao. Like in the series, the start of their physical intimacy is quite slow, they don't consummate during their wedding night (but unlike in the series, it's not because she prepares a period PowerPoint presentation, it's simply because he knows the next days as newlyweds will be tiring, and just wants to allow them to rest). Unlike in the series, no one is cockblocking Song Mo (in fact, their subordinates are even alarmed at the lack of consummation), and when he decides to make a move on Dou Zhao, he does it, and no one dares to interrupt. They make love quite regularly from that moment on, and I like how Dou Zhao's reluctance is gradually melting away, and how the novel is clearly stating that she enjoys the encounters just as much as he does, and even becomes bold enough to initiate later on;

them being parents. I know we get that one cute scene with their daughter at the end of the series, but Song Mo is such a good dad and husband in the novel, constantly prioritising Dou Zhao's comfort and being just as involved in the child's rearing as she is (to the point that their son learns to say Papa before Mama). I surely wish we would have seen more of that in the series.

Song Yichun does not die in the novel. He is, in a delightful twist of fate, forced to expel Song Han from the family, a treatment he had hoped to apply to Song Mo, and is left disabled after Song Han attacks him. Moreover, the daughter he had switched at birth with Song Han is discovered alive, Song Mo takes her under his protection, and she gets married and lives happily. I surely wish karma would have hit the old man in the face like this in the series as well.

Other things that got changed which I am fairly neutral about:

Song Mo and Dou Zhao's backgrounds in life 1. I have to say I loved how the series made it crystal clear that life 1 was an utterly doomed timeline, with both of them being betrayed and ultimately killed, while the entire country was burning. Life 1 in the novel was bleak in a different, more subtle, way. Dou Zhao dies after a long illness, almost completely devoid of any human warmth - the novel tells us that both her sons with Wei Tingyu are distant, as a result of her being too busy with household matters to be able to form a bond with them, and the only warmth she gets is from her daughter, a child she had after forcing herself to have sex with her husband once more (she had trauma from miscarriage), hoping she could get pregnant again and alleviate her loneliness somewhat. And Song Mo, unlike in the series, is a very powerful figure after the coup, but is perceived as merciless (having slaughtered both his father and brother), cynical (he never finds out the truth about his uncle's death, and never bothers to) and, in the end, utterly, utterly alone;

the dynamic between them after the rebirth. Unlike in the series, where they forged a bond in life 1 which was the basis for their relationship as adults in life 2, in the novel they meet as teenagers (when he is 13 and she is 14), and he is more or less smitten from the beginning, whereas she fears and despises him at first, gradually starting to understand him the more their paths cross. While in the series, they are already both in love by the time she accepts his proposal (having gone through a lot of adventures together that strengthened their bond), in the novel, he is the one with the huge crush, while she accepts his proposal for more pragmatic reasons, trusting that he is capable and will support her in the way Wei Tingyu was unable to. But the attraction between them is mutual, and I really liked watching her slowly but surely falling in love with him due to his constant care and attention towards her;

Song Mo is way more calculated in the novel than in the series, where he's simply feral and would wreak havoc at any given moment were it not for Dou Zhao and her more sensible approaches. It makes for an interesting dynamic in the series, where they pretty much compliment each other, but I must confess I loved his scheming and 5D chess playing in the novel;

Dou Ming's entire character. Unlike in the series, which presented a nature versus nurture situation, with Dou Ming being shrewd in life 1 after being raised by her mother, and a sweet, innocent girl in life 2, as a result of not being raised by her mother, in the novel, Dou Ming exhibits jealousy from an early age, and constantly feels inferior, which ultimately results in her taking Dou Zhao's place as Wei Tingyu's wife. Their marriage is unhappy, as, just like in the series, he is not very smart and doesn't like facing difficulties. Unlike in the series, she doesn't die (she's too petty to die), but it's clear by the time she makes her last appearance in the novel that her life is miserable, and there is no chance of improvement;

Wang Yingxue is not even half as cunning and manipulative as her series counterpart; she fails to charm Dou Shiying in any meaningful way (he is never in love with her and only wants to take her as a concubine because they had a sexual encounter while he was drunk, and he wants to save face) and ultimately she pushes him away, becomes a pariah in the family and is sent to a country estate to die forgotten by everyone, including her daughter;

Miao Ansu has a completely different familial background and no connection to Dou Zhao prior to her marriage with Song Han. She's also far from being the timid forest creature the series portrays her as;

Song Han manages to be somehow even more awful than his series counterpart. Not only is he not in love with Miao Ansu, he also lacks any kind of respect for her, which ultimately pushes her to align with Dou Zhao and Song Mo, and initiate his downfall. His death is not described in the novel, but it is heavily implied.

Overall, while there were a lot of things I liked about the book, I think I prefer the pacing of the series way more. Also, the series got a "will they get their happily ever after, won't they?" feeling with the poison subplot that the novel lacked until very close to the end (when Dou Zhao is almost taken hostage during the palace coup). The royals are awful as hell in both iterations, the injustice never really gets solved (in my opinion, the Emperor was also very much to blame for Jiang Meisun's death, not only the scheming Empress), but at least the lovely main couple lives happily ever after.

Would I rather recommend the book or the series? Honestly, probably the series, but the Song Mo/Dou Zhao dynamic is lovely in the novel as well, and, if nothing else, those passages about their relationship are definitely worth reading.

[dulltoned]

here to share some thoughts on if Branch had been the one to get taken, rather than Floyd

wondering on how the others would’ve rallied together after finding out Branch had been taken- like, did Velvet use the same ruse; sending a note to ones of the brothers? and how would’ve Poppy joined the brothers in their search for Branch? would JD and the others have stumbled into the Pop village or would they have met on the way to Mount Rageous?

also the fact that Velvet and Veener would’ve most likely had to deal with the most sarcastic of trolls- like he never shuts up and doesn’t miss an opportunity to stab them with his words, even if his talent gets drained as a consequence-

thinking of Branch sitting alone at some point, pondering, thinking about everything’s that happened, perhaps thinking about his brothers, and certainly about Poppy too- if he’ll ever see her again, if he’ll make it out of this alive, and there’s also this lingering thought that, even if he doesn’t make it, he’ll get to see grandma again at the very least

once the bros, Poppy snd the others arrive and have the face off with the twins, just imaging the sheer relief and happiness Branch feels upon seeing Poppy, and also the pure shock when his gaze lands on his brothers- just a whole bunch of emotions coming up at once; anger, relief, happiness, sorrow, grief, fear, just very overwhelming stuff

and the brothers just going ballistic cause that’s their baby brother in there, getting his life drained out of him, and he looks way more different than when they last saw him 20 years ago

following the perfect family harmony, once Branch is freed, similar to Floyd in the movie, Branch is supposedly gone, and I’d like to think Poppy is the one that catches him (thanks to that one artist on twitter) and she just tries to get him to wake up, that she’s here she came for him, all the while his brothers, and maybe even Viva, gather around, wrapping themselves around the fallen trolls

perhaps it’s a moment in which the brothers apologize for leaving him, for not coming back, for not protecting him like they should’ve, for missing his milestones, not being there when grandma got eaten, not seeing him grow up, see him find the love of his life, and all the other stuff

then the sheer relief and mirth when Branch returns to them, nearly crushing him in a giant family hug (maybe his hair could have white streaks similar to Floyd, maybe more towards the tips, just as a callback to his frosted tips)

anyways I need someone to put me down, they’re taking over my brain

also so sorry if I’m flooding you, I can definitely tone it down if it is too much! just the first time I find someone that share similar interests and it’s quite nice to see trolls gain some much attention again and finding people along my lane lol

anywho, have a good day/night!

I also can't stop thinking about what it would've been like if it had been Branch that was captured. I haven't put much thought into the events leading up to the finale but I would like to plant the image in your head of Branch captured and terrified, wondering what was going to happen to him. He wouldn't be sure whether or not anyone would come for him. Everyone leaves in the end anyway, right?

He'd give Velvet and Veneer hell but as a guy who was absolutely petrified of creatures infinitely larger than him hunting him down and killing him for nearly twenty years? A lot of that fight and fire would be a cover for a lot of more chilling emotions.

[feuqueerfire]

Lovely Runner Live Blogging

I've been seeing the “i found you girl i like being around you” edits on tiktok but before then, i’d also heard about the show and saw an ep 1 clip of when she runs up to him at the swimming pool. i’m a time travel show enjoyer and this show has been getting such good reviews, so I’m excited. my last few shows have been quite dark and violent and i kinda wanna go for another such show but think a lighter (yet emotional) show might do me some good so that i don’t burn out

Ep 1 (June 25)

2009

omg…

ah, he encouraged her to live through this time when she was contemplating suicide and ig later on she will do the same bc he unfortunately takes his own life before the time travel i think

Dec 31, 2022

13 years, how old were they then and how old are they now?

oh i knew she was a fan but she’s a biiiig fan

ah, they were in high school at the same time and his high school was across hers

some fans hate Sunjae bc he’s too popular and getting opportunities

the band members also seem to not like him and it could be bc of his popularity but he also seems resistant to being an idol in general and wants to retire so that might have smth to do with it

wow she’s really having a tough day: rejected from job bc it has no elevator and she has a wheelchair, late to the concert, and then lost the ticket omg

this scene of Sunjae putting in his in-ear and going on stage is now iconic to me bc of the edits, kept expecting to hear “i found you girl i like being around you” as background music loll

she’s really determined to be positive and make the most of everything, i expect a breaking point soon though

oh, in hyuk doesn’t want him to retire

phone crack

wheelchair stops

yeah the tears finally. what a fucking day

hehe they meet in the current timeline

lolll her getting annoyed that her friend came just when she could’ve been getting a ride w Sunjae

what is that jar that she gave him?

was it Sunjae who saved her from the accident?

the watch was weird for a second. i guess that's gonna be The Object that takes her back/causes everything

ahh he took meds and jumped off into the swimming pool.

this reminds me a bit of True Beauty but like the friend who passed away

time of death: Jan 1, 2023. 12am

dead at 34, so was 21 in 2009? 19 or 20 interactional age?

The fact that she Just saw him alive and seemingly well a few hours ago must make it even more unbelievable

Traveled back

her legs work again

okay, I'd seen this Instagram edit of this scene as the very first thing I saw from this show but I didn't know when I first watched it just how awkward/embarassing this is T.T

aw, is he also going through something now? her talking about how he went through this alone made him soften

SHE SAID SARANGHAE SUNJAE-AH?! please

her still being like 'this is my dream' oh she's gonna be mortified when she realizes this is real in a time travel universe

lolol she's like I'm not dreaming? Fuck, am I dead?

pls i'm dying, Sunjae's so confused while she's acting as if they're both dead now (and mustn't cross the bridge)

so did Sunjae take the watch?

Ah, he probably had to quit being a swimmer and become an idol in the original timeline too because of his shoulder

June 2008

So are they seniors in high school right now?

ahh she gets to see her grandma from 14 years ago when she still recognized Sol before alzheimers or whatever T.T

Aw, Sol cries every time she looks at Sunjae

ah, the parallels of Sunjae holding the umbrella over Sol and asking why she's crying now and in the original timeline

I watched around the first 30-40 minutes of this episode on my iPad while I was on the train (and also like 10 minutes in a restaurant lol). I'm likely going to have to take the train a lot starting the second week of July so I had been thinking that maybe I'll save this one for that time and watch like some raunchy BLs and GLs now that I can't watch on the train but the first ep was quite good, I think I'll binge it now oof.

Ep 2 (July 6)

Since Episode 1, I've watched My Stand-In Eps 1 - 11, Blank Season 1, and reread Mistborn: The Final Empire.

"i can fool a 19-year-old, right?" lol Sol

who is this guy? i know there's a love triangle, is this the second lead?

the people who go back in time/become younger scolding the other kids who seem the same age as them is always funny

ah, so funny, he's the first guy Sol stanned

lmfao please why's he running after the bus

the little icons getting farther and farther away and the song about going farther away playing lmfao

omg, she can't tell him the future/what will happen if he does something? time stops?

woah, you really could just stop time and do a bunch of stuff while shouting future facts lmfao

pls, this future-telling grandma cosplay

Sunjae jealous of Taesung already

how does she keep finding herself in these situations, plssss

like Sunjae is literally so correct to be like what the fuck like actually but also T.T

that guy is indeed Sunjae's father and lmfao Sunjae was the one who borrowed the porn/erotic VHS that Sol's mother has been on the dad's case about

overly dramatic crosswalk scene but i guess it's fine since it's mirroring how she probably got into her accident originally and she has trauma from it

she's the one who gave Sunjae an umbrella first! Also i've def seen this scene from a tiktok or smth

pls so he didn't even mean to borrow the erotic video? smh

this is kinda like My School President when Tinn was trying to impress Gun but everything went wrong and he was being a loser lol

so these two episodes effected the future and there's a photo of Sunjae and Sol on the table but it didn't change the death

Ep 3 (July 6/7)

ah, so he didn't injure himself this time?

hilarious that he can't seem to confess while she's fangirling and cooing over him

the dad left his shoe like cinderella lmfao

eughhhh she's like fuck, you don't want me to be your fan anymore? let's be friends! while he's trying to confess

Sunjae's dad dramatic + full of expectations and pressure + getting ahead of himself

and Sunjae also not tell him about the injury

omg her brother and her friend are both home not noticing the fire in their sight?

does that much water even do anything to a fire? feels like you're not supposed to be doing that...

I wish they hadn't done this fire scene so humorously with the brother and friend, kinda took away from the weight of it. also i wonder if the fire or her mother burning her hand won't still happen bc stuff like the shoulder injury or the ball hitting Im Sol still happened even if in a different way than the original timeline

aw, glad his dad understood

lol she's drunk, how cute

is she gonna forget the confession and kiss? since she's yknow legit drunk. i wonder if ppl made a fuss about it because if it was a bl, this would def have been Discussed in the fandom

ah, ofc she doesn't rmr

bruh aghh it's like I can see where this is going with her listening to the recording + Taesung spotting her + Sunjae being far enough behind that he'll see them (+ he thinks he confessed last night and expects her to remember the kiss too)

i'm gonna kill somebody, she didn't even pause so the "I like you" is just playing with nobody to hear

omg travelling to original timeline

girl what?! how could you say you want to date Taesung or is that not really happening or like what's going onnnnn

Ep 4 (July 7)

Oh, Sunjae had not only saved her but was at the hospital too. He'd liked her throughout his high school time i guess but what about that final night, did he recognize her even then?

oh, he had. wild

ohhh she gave him a bunch of the candy that night that she had given him the very first time when she mistook him for a mailman

hmm okay so the Sunjae POV we got of that night was the original timeline before Sol's time travel thing, right? because the photo wasn't there? and the timeline that Sol's waking up in right now is slightly different based on what she had done?

ok the future had indeed changed

omg what the hell, why did that timeline's Sol reject Sunjae like that, like in this timeline, they were friends??? unless Sunjae was being a creep fr

i got spoiled about she can come back 3 times but how does she know only 1 time is left? also it's just been 10 days?! so why did Sol react like that, wtf

ah, so it's like she's kinda fighting with her 19-year-old self from the past who's in love with Taesung? and doesn't know Sunjae?!?! weird...

so the 19-year-old Sol thought she was possessed because her memory from when older-Sol came back was missing... interesting and complicating

lmfaoo exactly, I was saying she could stop time but shouting out future facts. hilarious to have her shouting celeb marriages

plsss how's she asleep on his floor

"i don't make friends with girls. how can a girl and a guy be friends?" alright lol.

why do we have Hyunjoo pooping her pants and that furthering her romance (?) with Sol's brother come onnn

ah, Taesung mommy issues and feelings of abandonment

yknow I do like Taesung and Im Sol's banter and back-and-forth

i'm cryinggggg, not young-Sol's birthday event for Taesung

it's suchhh a long song, i'm dying. and young Sol's fashion pls

hehe Sol telling Taesung how to treat young-Sol is cute actually

so many weird men... that taxi that went away? and now this guy...

is this Sol's accident but in this timeline?

ah, Sol realizing that Sunjae had saved her

okay, in that original timeline, i thought they just called a random number maybe and was confused and ig that's true but Sunjae specifically called Im Sol's number? or what? how'd he know it? and he knew that it was her he was talking to.

Ep 5 (July 7)

i wonder how the accident happened the first time and why Sunjae was there back then

this bra returning scene reminds me of True Beauty but I can't remember what Suho was trying to give Im Jukyeong, idk why I keep thinking pads??

okay i was gonna be tormented, so I skimmed and it's on ep 2 of True Beauty. She accidentally gave Suho a bag that said "thanks for keeping my bare face a secret" but he hadn't recognized her, so to get it back, she'd said that it has pads (i remembered this part at least)

cryingggg at her being like hmm he said he can't be friends with girls, so all those "just friends" rumours with girls were all real romances (as idol Sunjae). anyway i doubt it bc he seemed to forever be in love with her even over a decade later and that's just a trope I'm gonna have to get used to.

yesss i love a girl saving a guy from the common motorcycle/car trope and also girl kabadoning guy

Sol is cute trying to block all mentions of the swimming Olympics from Sunjae but plsss it's all becoming romantic moments and also iffy when you think about young-Sol having a boyfriend

oh, cop mentioning burying a body... i think I've heard that this show has a serial killer

in the original timeline, the taxi driver with the key indeed did something? but this time the other guy got there? and he's the serial killer or what

damn, taxi driver has Sol's flip phone

not Sol's brother and Sunjae meeting but Sunjae being punished for giving Sol alcohol

cryinggg Sunjae being curious and looking at Taesung's profile but he finds out

pls Sunjae getting mad at Sol's inability to bike reminds me of Tinn yelling at Gun about not knowing any math (My School President). when even the down bad secret crush bearing Sunjae and Tinn lose their minds teaching Sol and Gun lmfao

girl, why is Sunjae buying the same jacket as Taesung T.T but ig they're gonna have him fill in for the vocal... but he's not gonna fill in for Taesung

how humiliating to run into Taesung just as Sunjae bought and wore the bright red jacket because Taesung owns it too yikesss

and that's how the eclipse happened, though Taesung isn't in it for much longer i guess?

Taesung watching Sol watch Sunjae perform reminds me of Twinkling Watermelon

oh, intense yelling from Sol

double whammy of hearing the confession recording finally and Sunjae also telling her to break up with Taesung at the same time

Ep 6 (July 8)

ah, I’m Sol broke up with Taesung but I don’t know if that’s the end of it… but she also knows Sunjae’s confession…

sunjae is quite fun to watch like his despair at his “breakup with taesung” thing going wrong vs joy when taesung got broken up with

Sol’s brother does bother me, why is he so annoying

pls both Sunjae and Sol holding back to appear cool/not “shake the other’s heart” aghhh

Taesung’s “Oh, I think I liked you a lot” is funny

not Taesung getting into a car crash, damn it

so is Sep 1 the day her accident happens? I don’t remember the date. is it gonna happen again even though the bridge thing already happened? or is it a different thing?

Taesung’s dad (?) Kim cop is investigating the case of a he dead bod?

nooo now he has their address bc of grandma

oh, Sunjae confession

Taesung in hospital but his dad doesn’t visit and his friend doesn’t believe in him + he calls Sunjae to let him know that Sol’s mother is at the hospital, oh man

aw mannn Sol rejecting Sunjae because she knows she’s not in the right timeline and is gonna have to leave soon etc. does she realize she’s the one he liked in the original timeline too? he’s talking about liking the rain and on the original timeline radio show he also mentioned it

not having to take an umbrella to Sunjae on the day of Sol’s accident! and after she almost stayed home all day

omg she’s realizing right now that she was his first love back then too and she didn’t “confuse him”

tbf maybe this mans would’ve gotten her even if she didn’t leave right then. a fucking kidnapping

omg this taxi fucker really took her Again D:

Ep 7 (July 8)

oh on that original accident too Sol missed her stop on the bus and Sunjae was waiting with her in the bus, that’s how he was there on the time of her accident on save her

i’m watching this on the subway on my commute to/from work but there are two people talking in korean beside me and i feel awkward watching a kdrama beside them lol

okay they left a couple minutes later

oh at this bridge where her original accident happened is where she dropped that watch and the first time she time travelled, right?

omg who the hell grabbed her in this timeline? bc taxi driver was in the taxi still

good job to sunjae for connecting everything and figuring out the reservoir lmfao

ah, she went back to her time again and the young-Sol is back but also that's kind of oh no in a way, though Sunjae's clever i wonder if he'll be able to figure it out?

i knew from pics i saw that she can use her lefts in the future

Sunjae survived too

pls not her getting mistaken for a sasaeng, i don't even wanna watch anymore

what a different life

damn, young-Sol had another kidnapping a year later?

oh naurrr is Sunjae doing the "who are you? do we know each other?" thing because young-Sol did this to him after he helped her with the kidnapper?

oh he's not even here, it was a scenario in her head lol

lmfao crying, this Sunjae lovesss the attention and fame (though not the stalking)

the shenanigans of them justtt missing each other every time

i can't believe we're getting random enemies-to-lovers right now, especially with them texting each other antagonistically, this is soooo fun

i seriously need to go to sleep but ahh

owww

oh, the concert didn't happen

ah, and they met on the bridge again

35 minutes after my bedtime already, gonna take a while to fall asleep too, whelp

Ep 8 (July 9)

omg Sunjae got the time capsule egg before it got torn down and he even waited on Jan 1, 2023 fully expecting her to come - and she did, so why didn’t they meet?

and Sunjae got the watch from the time capsule

hmmm would he happen to travel back in time at all? bc she travelled back with his watch and maybe he can travel back with her watch?? esp if smth happens to her idk

lmfao pls not the hotel where they can be alone together

but also he’s an idol going with a random girl lmfao

i loveeeee Sol omg she’s so funny and endearing as she’s talking about how she didn’t mean they should have a passionate night and also mentions that they had crushes on each other in a throwaway line but she doesn’t wanna skip intros and get to the conclusion But she’s not judging sunjae for thinking that, they just have different values lmfao what a cutie but sunjae’s gonna act clueless like oh? what were you thinking as if he doesn’t know what this insinuates

i loveeee celeb/non-celeb romance esp when it actually shows the reporters and rumours and fans and such and how they can affect/limit the relationship

he has such a big house why not hide the cut out in some random storage room omg

pls and now Sunjae thinks she plans to stay the night and have sex lmfao

true Inhyuk would be like what the hell, Sunjae can’t fall for Im Sol again!!

Taesung?

Inhyuk talking about how Sunjae’s liked only Im Sol this whole time and kept going back to her old house whenever he was drunk while Sol can hearrrrr

ah, she confessed that she used to like him too

i kept being nervous that Taesung would somehow be in the house but Sunjae/Sol first kiss!

isn't it crazy fr, after 15 years you finally meet again and this time the girl you've loved forever confesses back and you kisssss and it's not a shitty one either

what the hell, the fuckass taxi driver is here too? that was indeed Taesung before right or did i mistake taxi driver for Taesung, I hope not

"Even if somebody sent me back to the past, I would never gamble with my future" whelp Hyunjoo, don't foreshadow too hard

the stalker makes me nervous both in terms of what if that person was the person who was knocking or whatever the night Sunjae died and also what if she finds out that Sunjae's dating Sol and does something to either of them?

okayyyy, so the taxi driver mans went and attacked Sunjae, was it the same thing in the previous iterations too?

I listened to the Afternoona Soju podcast episode and learned about 2 scenes: Sunjae and Taesung drink and do karaoke together and cuddle to sleep, and Sunjae's speech envelope + Sol's resignation letter get swapped so he ends up saying that out loud as a speech

Ep 9 (July 9)

so as hinted, a year after she came back to the current timeline, in the young timeline 2009, the taxi guy kidnapped Im Sol again and Sunjae saved her again and that's what caused that guy to get jailed until now

i loveee 2009 freshman Sol's hair, beautifully bangs and wavy hair

Hyunjoo's joyoush "hmm" and nod at 33:50 after Sol asks her if it was her idea is sooooo good omg i replayed several times

omg, the sudden "are you really from the future?" that had like no build-up, so I was surprised hehe

ahhh they kissed accidentally ofc they did, ig we'll see Sunjae and Sol married by the end?

Ep 10 (July 10)

ah, makes sense that Sunjae wouldn’t actually believe the time travel stuff oof

pls hiding under the table is so T.T

oh she’s telling Taesung about the time travel too

i like it when in a love triangle the guys try to impress the family like now with the flooding and in Ture Beauty with the dumplings but it’s annoying when they let it get the best of them and don’t care about what’s actually happening like why are you up arguing and making a mess instead of helping clean up wtf

i do like Sunjae Taesung antagonizing when it’s like verbal and witty not physical fights

oof Taesung telling Sunjae that he shouldn’t even be jealous of him bc Sol clearly likes Sunjae

Superstar K vs going to the states

ah, he digs up the time capsule and figures out that he dies (possibly because of trying to protect Sol) that time in the future

oh, the billboards changed and Eclipse is releasing their new album instead of Sunjae’s stabbing hmm i can’t tell bc im watching on my phone but is Sunjae in that photo?

Ep 11 (July 10)

ARE THEY GONNA GET BACK REFUNDS FOR THE PLANE AND THE REHABILITATION? and are they gonna get the luggage back?!

not this kissing gossip lmfao

yknpw technically this is a noona romance in this timeline 3x Sol x 20 Sunjae (krn age)

the “should we roll back another minute? if you give me another chance, i’ll do my best” thing is soooo cute like Sunjae fr was just going for the remote not the kiss like Sol thought

i’m crying from second hand embarrassment at the parents and brother finding them like this and am dreading the hundreds of condoms reveal T.T plssss and even Basic instincts got brought up again and Sunjae having to cover Im Sol’s ears i cannotttttt, how humiliating

the condoms flying out like this is really and truly killing me i can’t watch fuckkk if i was sunjae i would have to leave move away say good bye to Sol like life death and time could not make me stop loving you but this… in front your family? yeah i’d learn to live

lmfao the family meeting was very funny

he sings sonagi for her on a stage ahhh first of all he’d died but she gets to see him sing again + knows it’s about her this time

ah this fucking killer mans

Ep 12 (July 10)

ofc both Sol and Sunjae are gonna try to stop the murderer

lol will Sunjae get jealous of In Hyuk lmao

i can't watch this toilet water nothing pls at least use the water that's stored in the tank of the toilet not in the fucking bowlll

is the institution just that they made out? because i don't think they had sex?

lmfao maybe now the MIL and FIL will finally get along

omg, she's pretending to have gone back so that Sunjae doesn't stay with her at this place where the attacker's gonna come

oh also i'd figured out the 3 lives thing a while back btw i'd been like how does she know w/ certainty that she has 3 chances but the clock said 3, then 2, and now it's at 1

Ep 13 (July 11)

just go so frustrated that Youngsoo figured out that Sol was setting a trap bc that guy put his hand on her to check but Sol ended up shouting for Detective Kim eughhh such planning and yet

and Sunjae runs into him right then ofc

not Sunjae getting knifed! and falling off he cliff!!!

oh, Sol returned

girl where the hell is Sunjae like nice to see Sol’s life and Taesung but c’mon

i got spoiled about the letter switching and Sunjae giving actor award speech from Sol’s resignation letter so i don’t have like The Suspence for this

ohhh Sunjae’s watch also became a time machine

oh my godddd his time machine also takes Sol back in time for some reason and she literally cuts it off right at the beginning?!?! doesn’t give him the umbrella in the rain

curious about how they’ll explain the killer stuff in the past if Sunjae’s not there to save Sol?

Ep 14 (July 11)

so Sol and family just move away soon after like Sunjae still has his sling? yknow what let me not think too much

lolol articles coming out. i didn’t realize he was just gonna be mc-ing

ahhh Ryu Sun Jae is gonna be acting in Im Sol’s script?!

ouch the script hurts (though she’s plagiarizing so hard from alternate timeline Sunjae!!)

both of them busy trying to reject the script/actor but omg poor Sol. it sucks so bad to be the one who remembers, like when Sunjae used to remember while young Sol forgot and now thisssss after everything

another enemies to lovers arc

okay i was wondering how we’d go back to Sunjae knowing but ig he’ll get dreams and memories

oh, the murderer is gonna attack the sasaeng girl instead?

Sunjae is just Meant to be obsessed with Sol in every timeline ig

yaas the lottery tickets truly a must for a fucking time travel anything

ah the ferris wheel

Ep 15 (July 11)

the taxi driver can’t be obsessed w Sol in this timeline too right esp bc it’s been 15 years since his interest in the original tl

not Sol’s mom trying to set Sol up with sunjae now loll how the tables have turned

lmfao this time it’s Sunjae hiding from Sol when usually it was the other way around in the past timelines

oh, the killer is actually targeting Sunjae straight up this time maybe, not Sol first

Sunjae’s memory coming back in flashes

oh, he's got it all back

omg dramatic. killer guy almost got Sunjae again and then for a second I got nervous that Taesung was gonna crash like the other way so that killer T-bones his car

Ep 16 (July 11)

last ep!! 1h 19 mins instead of the usual 61-63 mins

killer dies just like that

ahh meeting again after remembering

"because he died, somebody else might get to live"

they kiss pretty nice

the parents do make me laugh, the dad being like hah i know Sunjae chose a good, beautiful girl to date while the mother's like hah i know she's no beauty

ah, marriage and wedding, cute

Overall:

A fun show with a fun concept and great acting + romance. It was funny and delightful most of the time, there was a kind of killer/suspense aspect but that wasn't really ever the Focus, Sunjae being killed was the focus; similarly, they didn't thoroughly explain the time travel because the mechanics wasn't the focus, Sol going back was the focus.

I liked Sunjae and Sol together and it was fun seeing how Sunjae was slightly different in the different timelines lol I liked seeing the couple on high school, college, as idol!Sunjae and actor!Sunjae. It did feel a bit like consistency was lost in their relationship but that was the point i guess. It was a very romantic concept, the way they were falling in love in every timeline.

Everything about it was good and I was engaged, I just don’t think I’d think about it much though. Kinda reminds me of When I Fly Towards You c-drama in that way; a cute youthful romance drama but I'm not hung up on it. At least it kept me company during my commute of the first week at my new internship.

Rating: 7/10

[writerastray]

The Festival {Chapter 3}

General Masterlist - Read this before interacting

Disclaimer:

⚠︎ My works are all protected. I do not permit any form of copying, translation, or reposting. Please reblog if you want to share my work.

⚠︎ Ageless and blank blogs will be blocked.

-> Word count: 2k

-> Relationships: Changbin/f!Reader

-> Rating: General Audiences 

->Genre/Tropes: Childhood Friends, Coming of Age.

-> Warning tags:Alcohol Consumption, Brief mentions of Bullying and Emotional Abuse.

Nightmares where that past summer never existed were a constant in your daily life once you were back in the city. 

No purple meadow, no prince in the woods, no boy named Changbin whose laugh made you smile.

Once classes started again, you went back to books, to being alone—but now, it felt unbearable. On those days, you hid in your room and imagined Grandma’s house—the smell of her cooking, the faint noise of her favorite TV show.

You had never felt lonely before. You liked to be by yourself. What changed?

Every day, you imagined summer coming, and when your mom finally told you to pack your things, you happily complied.

Now, you were in the car, humming quietly, and although the song was calm, your heart raced, and your stomach turned until the car stopped.

Only when you felt the scent of earth, the cool winds, and the whispers of the trees did the storm inside you settled.

Grandma was waiting outside. You ran to her, and she pulled you into a tight hug. As your mom carried your bags inside, you heard laughter.

Changbin’s mom.

You pulled away and looked around, searching for him—until Grandma snorted and pointed to the meadow.

You turned just in time to see him sprinting toward you through the field.

Suddenly, you got nervous all over again. It’s been a year. Did he still like you? Did he even remember you? 

You got your answer when warm arms wrapped around you. 

You almost cried from relief.

Finally, you were home.

“Y/n,” he said. His hair was a little longer now. “There’s gonna be a festival! You’re coming, right? Minho’s mom is making strawberries with chocolate, and we can eat watermelon…” 

He kept going, listing everything he was excited about, and you just looked at him, trying not to smile too hard  at how happy he was.

“For the fiftieth time, I already promised you Y/n will go, Changbin,” Grandma said.

You laughed at her tone and Changbin’s face. He was cute when he got embarrassed. He talked about you to your grandma. That thought made you happy.

But there’s a problem. 

If you go to the festival, you’ll have to meet his friends. 

Were you ready for that? 

What if they don’t like you? Things were fine the way they were. You were about to say no—until you met his eyes, shining at you.

You sighed. “I’ll go. I promise.”

It’s been a week, and the festival was eating you alive. 

You didn’t want to go. 

What if Changbin left you alone? What if he didn’t want to play with you anymore once he saw his friends? What if they hated you?

But you couldn’t back out. Grandma had even bought you a pretty dress for the occasion.

It was late afternoon when Changbin shouted your name outside your grandma's house. His mom scolded him, and you had to hold back a laugh. 

Grandma checked if she had everything in hand before joining his mom outside. You greeted his family before running to him. 

Changbin grabbed your hands—warm and a little sweaty—but you didn’t mind. It was your thing now. He’d said it was so you wouldn’t get lost, even though you knew the way to town.

“Minho is at the tent with Chan,” he said as you walked. 

You took a deep breath. Everything will be alright. 

Changbin was kind, so his friends must be too, right?[

The streets were full of people strolling into town. Some knew your grandma and joined the grown-ups behind you.

Then you saw them.

A group of kids heading toward you.

Your stomach flipped.

You were about to meet Changbin’s friends.

He looked at you and squeezed your hands before greeting the two boys.

One had round cheeks that reminded you of a squirrel. He was beside another whose smile was radiant. Behind them were two more—a quiet boy in a baseball cap and a younger one, bouncing beside his dad.

“This is Y/n,” Changbin said.

All of them greeted you as you muttered a small, “Hi.”

You waited to be bombarded with questions like Changbin did to you, but they soon went back to whatever they were talking about, and you relaxed by Changbin’s side.

Your eyes met his, and he smiled. 

Maybe you could do this.

On the way, you learned that Seungmin lived in your city and had played baseball against your school last year. Felix had a sister who joined summer camp this year. You wondered if she had freckles like him. Jisung, the squirrel-cheeked boy, and Jeongin, the youngest, went to the same school as Changbin.

The town was entirely decorated with lights, flowers, and festival decorations. Music was everywhere, and everyone was celebrating the beginning of the summer.

Grandma called you over, handed you a small purse of coins, and told you to have fun. “Stick with Changbin. I’ll be near Minho’s mom’s stall.”

Jeongin stayed with his family in the small area with tables and chairs because he was too young to roam around alone.

Changbin went along with Felix, and you followed. Seungmin and Jisung were right behind you.

They stopped at Minho’s stall first. He was a small boy with round cheeks and a sweet smile, counting some coins for his mom. The other boy, named Chan, sat beside Minho and gave a caramelized apple to a girl. He had gentle eyes that made your heartbeat a little faster.

"Mom, can we go?" Minho asked. 

As soon as his mother nodded, they left everything to join the group.

"Let’s go," Chan said, and went straight to where the game stalls were. You walked with Changbin until he let go of your hand to go by Chan’s side.

For a moment, your heart stopped. 

It happens. 

He’ll leave me. 

He saw how annoying I am. He’ll forget me just like my—

Cold hands touched your shoulder.

"Y/n, right?" Minho asked.

"Hi."

He gave you a shy smile. "Mom told me it’s your first festival here."

You nodded, waiting for him to say more.

He didn’t.

You felt stupid for having nothing to say. If Changbin were here, he would have already made Minho laugh. 

You took a deep breath, gathered courage, and said, “I saw your kitten last year. The orange one.”

Minho’s smile widened. “Soonie? She grew a lot. You can come home tomorrow to play with her.”

"I’d love to," you said.

And just like that, talking to him was easy. Your heart settled. I can do this.

The boys were full of energy, darting from stall to stall, collecting prizes like trophies. You even won an UNO game, which Jisung immediately whined about, pouting as he held up the stuffed bear he had won instead.

As you walked through the festival, the crowd buzzed with life. People laughed, music played, and the scent of fried food and sweet treats filled the air.

That’s when Chan shouted. 

A boy ran toward Chan, and, all of a sudden, they were all laughing and talking at the same time. 

Only when they calmed down did you see him. 

The prince from the castle in the woods.

Hyunjin.

He was well-dressed, and you remembered Changbin saying Hyunjin's parents used to spend half the year in the city and the other half in the countryside.

You knew Hyunjin was different the moment your eyes laid on him. He didn’t have that open, shining expression. His eyes didn’t sparkle.

Just like yours.

You took a step back, suddenly feeling out of place, until Changbin looked at you. He pulled you into the middle of the group.

"Hyunjin. This is Y/n. She’s my new friend."

Hyunjin greeted you as you waved your hand, already wanting to run back to your grandma.

“Have you guys eaten?” he asked.

“We’re full,” Chan answered, pointing at Minho.

“I’ll have ice cream,” Changbin said.

“I want something salty,” Seungmin added.

“My uncle is at the food stall,” Jisung said.

As he guided everyone, Hyunjin and Seungmin started to discuss a game, and Changbin and Jisung were exchanging trading cards. Chan, Minho, and Felix were betting on who would drop their food first.

When they reached the stall, you lingered near a bench, watching them.

They were nice, but something twisted in your chest.

You preferred it when it was just Changbin and you.

Your gaze wandered, catching a couple passing by, their hands interlocked. You heard them mention watching the sunrise together. Nearby, a group of older girls giggled, taking photos, talking about keeping memories forever.

A deep part of you envied them. 

When Jisung smiled until it hurt, or when Chan laughed so hard he wiped his eyes. When Hyunjin and Felix hugged each other with such tenderness after so much time apart that you wondered if their hearts squeezed. 

You envied them when Seungmin asked Minho to sleep over at his house and Jisung invited himself in to watch movies late at night; when Felix and Changbin shared secrets, or Minho and Jisung exchanged looks of an inside joke only they knew.

Would you ever have that? 

Someone grabbed your hand, and when you met Changbin’s eyes, he was smiling.

"Y/n," Changbin came over with two cups of french fries and a cup of ice cream. "Let's share," he said.

Everything was going well. You were finishing your fries, dipping some in the spoon of the ice cream, and listening as Chan and Felix told a story about something that happened at their school.

You finished the rest of the ice cream and got up to throw away the trash.

As you chewed the last of your fries, a voice cut through the air.

"This Y/n is really weird.” Hyunjin said, too loudly for you to miss, “Did you see her eating french fries with ice cream?" 

Then he laughed, and your world crumbled.

Would all of them think you're weird?

Would Changbin think that too?

Would he stop being your friend?

Your stomach turned, and a sob escaped your mouth. 

The moment your eyes, full of tears threatening to fall, met Changbin’s, you turned and ran.

Why did you even think you could have friends? Your own father left you. Of course, Changbin would too.

Warm hands caught yours.

“Y/n.”

You didn’t turn. Your eyes darted anywhere but at him.

“Are you okay?” His voice wasn’t teasing, wasn’t annoyed—just worried. He stepped closer, fingers curling gently around your face. “Why are you crying?”

It only made you cry more.

He wrapped his arms around you, placing your head against his neck.

“Y/n, are you okay?” Jisung asked from the side.

“Of course not! Does she look okay?” Seungmin snapped.

“Hyunjin, you made her cry!” Felix accused.

“Just because I called her weird?” Hyunjin sounded confused.

"Eating french fries with ice cream isn't weird," Changbin said, and his voice reverberated through you. It felt like a shield that made you feel safe.

“It kinda is,” Jisung muttered—followed by a loud “Ow!” as someone smacked him. Minho burst out laughing.

“Then I’m weird with you, Y/n,” Chan said suddenly. "I eat like that too."

Your head snapped up.

“Really?”

He grinned. “Really.”

You turned to Changbin, who had a frown on his forehead.

"Will you still be my friend? Even if I'm weird?"

He chuckled. "Haven't you met my friends? All of them are."

You blinked—then laughed.

Laughed so hard your stomach ached.

And one by one, they joined in.

Maybe having more friends wasn't so bad. Maybe you could do this.

That night was warm, and something changed inside you; something blossomed. 

And you smiled until it hurt.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Author's note: Hi! I hope you liked this story. English is my second language, so please excuse my errors. Constructive feedback is always appreciated! I do not permit any form of copying, translation, or reposting of my work.

Did you enjoy this? If so, please reblog it. Thank you for reading! Sending love 🖤

Copyright © 2025 by Writerastray

[disdaidal]

Love going to my old hometown to see some relatives, just to find out my uncle's drinking again (he always does but it's worse now), and that he's out of money, in a lot of debt, and the taxi he drives is broken, and he hasn't eaten for days.

Not to mention my 87-year-old grandma is the guarantee in his loan(s), and he hasn't paid his installments in a while, so there's that too. Needless to say, my grandma was worried sick, and so I agreed drive us there last evening to see if he's even alive anymore because he hadn't answered texts or phone calls.

He opened the door for us. He was groggy/drunk/hangoverish and smelled like old booze. He hasn't shaved in a while. His place was a mess and obviously smelled bad. When we suggested that we buy him some food, he said there's no point because his fridge and freezer were broken.

So my grandma opened them and... there was nothing but loads of rotten food there. It smelled like a corpse. There was mold on the walls of the fridge, and the freezer boxes were full of water and rotten stuff. Some brown liquid had flown out onto the floor as well and ruined the carpet. And my grandma was just standing there and cleaning and emptying that stuff like no biggie whereas I stood a couple of meters away and tried not to hurl every ten seconds.

There was also a lot of different shit in the kitchen, like opened jars, old food boxes, milk cartons, rotten fruit—even unfinished food from 2-3 days ago according to him, which tells me that not only he hasn't been able to store food properly; he really hasn't fucking eaten either. At least one sandwich was just lying there, and he'd probably taken a bite or two of it and then just let it waste there.

He wouldn't even let us finish cleaning (we took a few garbage bags out though) because 'he's tired' and 'he wants to go to sleep'. We still offered to buy him some food, but he refused. So I finally grabbed the small box of fish soup that grandma had made earlier and handed it to him, so he could eat something, and at least that he accepted.

But I couldn't properly sleep last night because I kept thinking about the whole situation. So when I talked on the phone with my mum today, we agreed that I contact local social welfare and explain his situation. I tried calling them first and making it sound urgent, but they asked me to fill out an online form. So I did and explained the problem as well as I could (plus his possible physical and mental ailments), and left both our contact details there.

I hope they can reach him, and that he'll accept help (I don't think he will though) because if not, then they can't do much about it, unfortunately. The self-determination laws in this country are quite firm, so if it's a grown-up refusing help, then sorry🤷‍♀️ :/

My grandma's trying to contact her older son (his brother) and persuade him to buy him a new fridge, at least. Even if he does, the old fridge still needs to be emptied and cleaned up before that, and I really hope she's not planning to do it alone 🙄😑.

I could cry and bitch about how utterly mad and done I'm with all kinds of alcoholics (I lost my dad to it 9 years ago, for example). But mostly, I feel for my grandma. She doesn't deserve this. She shouldn't have to worry about her grown-up son at that age, let alone worrying about paying his debts when her own retirement allowance isn't that great either. 😑

Either way, if he's not accepting help, it's gonna take me all willpower not to go behind his door and smack some sense into him. I don't want to give up on him just yet, but I also know that if this doesn't lead anywhere, I may have to. And it's making me somewhat anxious right now.

Well... at least it's a beautiful day outside today. Maybe I'll just go out and get some fresh air for a while.

[jotaylorsversion]

So. This is my first ever Tumblr. I don't know if it's ok. I don't know the rules of this. I'm just a french girl from a micro city in Québec Canada. Saguenay. I was hoping a Christmas miracle but i'm not someone who is lucky in life. I don't understand how my karma is such a dick. I helped my sister who lived with my grandma since her 18 birthday. Cause my grandpa died the December 21th of that year (They lived together 'til my sister was 40, my grandma needed to go in a home because she had problem with her legs. We tried so hard to keep her with us). Because yes when I took a apartment not far frome them

I'd go everyday to cook for my grandma and sister. I was 14 when se leave. And life was not easy. But that's not the point. I lived with them a little bit ... 21 till 25. Because my grandma open the door one day to a stray cat. She was a girl. She was so sweet and loving. You would not think that she was a stray cat. But she was a pregnant stray cat. But we didn't know because she was not showing. But on February 14th we come back from a hockey game and she was there in labor. She had 5 kittens. 1 was given without me supervising or being there. And I cried so much. But one year later the women that had him *He was the exact copy of his mother* (She was adopted in a great family with one of her baby girl) she called me and asked to come take him. So I did it. As fast as I can't. And I had him and Jack (to one i'd took an appartment to keep him) till 2020 in August. He was sick. In a Pandemic, they told me that they won't take him. And I didn't have the money for. But I had to take him to the vet anyway shortly after that. Because he was sick. And I had to do it. But they didn't let me to stay and it broke me. Like a never was before. And trust me. I had been broken a lot. By my mother, my stepmother and 2 ex) Maybe it helps me to wrote this. Because even if I've made A TON of grammatical mistakes, I try my best to do it. I have to do it. Maybe if I said it out loud. Put my pride away. Trying to manifest it. I need money.

My cat. My Jack. I hold him he was 2 days old. He chose me after that. I love him since. He is my baby. I did everything for him. Even stay alive. He is my rock. And I know he is a cat. And he is not eternal. But he is. For me. This February 14th he will be 14 years old. It's supposed to be his lucky year. But right know he is sock and I need to go to the vet but I can't go. I barely survive alone in a apartment. My sister is alone too in her appartment. The one just after mine. We would love a home but we cant afford it. We can't even afford a safe car. So. For the first time in my life. I poor my heart out like my inspiration @taylorswift. She helped me since 2009, she has no idea. I was one of the girl who watch every show in a grainy livestream, crying, wishing to be there. Wishing to be someone else. Please help me manifest this for my baby cat and me. I will have 40 this year. Life pass so quickly. But why does it have to be this hard? I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd would be in this life.

[theoddcatlady]

The Girl Named Bea

I met her while I was weeding the flower garden.  

I had just about finished up when I heard someone clear their throat behind me. They may have been trying to get my attention for a while, I had my headphones in and the only reason I heard anything was because I was in between songs.

“Sorry, sorry,” I pulled out an earbud and scrambled to my feet, “I didn’t hear you back… there…”

My voice got choked up in my throat as I stared into the soft dark eyes of the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Her golden hair came down in waves past her shoulders and she had a smile like sunshine. She quietly laughed. “I wasn’t waiting long. You seemed to be enjoying your music, anyway.” She offered me her hand. “My name is Bea.”

Her name could’ve been Mud and I would’ve thought it was the prettiest name in the world. “Um, I’m Cassie, but everyone just calls me Cass,” I shook her hand, inwardly kicking myself as I saw I got dirt all over her hand. “Shit, I’m sorry-”

Bea laughed again, just brushing her hand off on her skirt. “A little dirt won’t kill me. Sorry, I’m just trying to find the Lakeview Cemetery?”  

“Oh, you’re not far,” I pointed down the street, “Just down the ways, take a right at Petunia Road, it’ll be on the left. If you hit Black Street, you’ve gone too far and you’ll need to turn around.”

Bea turned to look, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “I see. You visit often?” She asked.

I nodded. “It’s where my parents are buried. I try to go every other week. If you need to pick up flowers, Mary’s Garden is right nearby. Tell her you’re there to pick something up for a deceased relative or friend and she’ll give you a good deal-”

“It’s you!”

I nearly tripped over my feet to look up at the door. My grandfather was leaning against the door frame, with an expression like he had seen a ghost. “Grandpa, what are you doing out of bed!?” I rushed to his side, all thoughts about the pretty girl in my front yard gone. “You need to be resting.” Resting wouldn’t change his rapidly approaching fate, but it would make him more comfortable when the time came.

He pointed a shaky finger at Bea. “It’s you. I know it’s you. How… where’s Francis? Is he still with you?” He asked.

The woman blinked owlishly before her eyes widened in recognition. “Robert! The years have changed you, I am terribly sorry for not realizing you were still living here.” She looked at me before curtsying. “I’ll come talk to you again, I have to be going.”

“Bye,” I said, waving as I watched Bea return to her car. She opened the door and held it open just for a second to let a young man poke his head out. He wasn’t nearly as graceful as Bea when he seemingly recognized my grandfather, his jaw dropping and eyes nearly popping out of his head.  

He dived back into the car before Bea slipped in and it drove off. I looked at my grandfather, who looked like he’d experienced a shock. “Do I need to call Dr. Samuel-”

“I just need to be alone for a bit.” My grandfather shuffled back to his bedroom, leaving me alone.  

It wasn’t until the sun was going down that he called me into his bedroom.  

My grandfather was a quiet man, I’d never known him to make the outburst like the one earlier that day. Even when I entered the room, he just pointed to his closet. “Check behind the coats, there’s a photo frame,” He said.

I moved aside old coats and a far outdated tuxedo to find the photo frame. I brought it out and sat beside my grandfather’s bed to get a better look.

The picture inside was faded and black and white, but I could recognize a much younger version of my grandfather sitting out on the front porch, his arm wrapped around a black teenager about his age. “I’ve never seen this picture before,” I said, tilting it side to side. When Grandma had been alive, she’d shown me her albums again and again, even as the cancer wasted her away.  

“I keep it just for myself. His name is Francis.”

I nodded while reaching for my cellphone. “Listen, grandpa, you’re a little tired, how about I call-”

“Listen to me, Cassandra!” My grandfather snapped, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin. “You bring up calling the damn doctor again and I’m sending you to your room!”  

Even with me being twenty-one, that was a very real threat. I sunk down in my chair, deciding not to question him any more. “Who is Francis, Grandpa?” I asked.

He calmed down and looked back at the photo. I saw a touch of a smile on his lips. “… Francis was my best friend. See, his father saved mine. After that my father referred to him as a brother- white and colored was never an issue. Our families were close, I was just a few days younger than Francis. We never could attend the same schools or play together in the park, but if I wasn’t at his home he was at mine. If he couldn’t sleep, he would sneak in through my bedroom window and we’d stay up just talking about anything and everything under the sun. I had his back, he had mine. We were just as close as our fathers.”  

The story was heartwarming, but there was certainly a part nagging at me. “Why have you never talked about Francis before then?” I asked.

That smile on my grandfather’s face vanished.

“Because I never wanted to think of him again.”  

He handed me the frame to hold as he told me the story.

“It was probably a week after this photo was taken that we met her. We were on a walk through the woods, we took a lot of those. Just so we couldn’t be bothered by people who thought a black man and a white man couldn’t be friends. We were on the way back when we heard a car refusing to turn over. Francis insisted we take the right path to see if someone needed help. I followed, he was always the leader out of the two of us. We didn’t expect to see such a nice car way back where we were, but what we didn’t really expect to see the behemoth of a man poking away at the engine… or the girl standing beside the car, her dress spattered in mud as she shivered in the cold. She looked up at us and her eyes met Francis’… and I knew it was all over then. Because he looked at her and he fell in love.”

“Who was she?” I asked.

“She was Bea.”  

“You mean she looked like Bea?”

He shook his head. “No, I mean that the Bea you talked to today was the same Bea standing on the road next to the car that wouldn’t start.” He scowled as he saw me open my mouth. “I’m not crazy, you know I still have all my marbles. You shut it and listen.”

I closed my mouth.

“Good girl… now where was I...” My grandfather’s eyes went glassy as he was transported to a much different time. “Right. Francis was just about frozen in place so I had to shout out and ask if they were all right. Turns out they’d stopped for a picnic and when they got back damn thing wouldn’t start. That’s when Francis’ brain started working again and he offered his help, he was pretty handy with cars. I just sat with the giant as Francis got to work and started chatting with Bea. I found out his name was Sten but we didn’t really talk, we just watched Bea and Francis interact, and let me tell you- you could tell the attraction was mutual by the way she laughed and how she’d brush her fingers against his arm. I think Francis was disappointed when the car finally got running, but I’ll admit I was relieved. I didn’t know what she had going through her head, flirting with Francis like that.”

“I thought the color of Francis’ skin didn’t matter,” I said.

My grandfather shook his head. “Cass, you have to remember where we live. About three years before a black man was accused of groping a white woman. No evidence, it was just what her brother said what happened. What happened to that poor bastard…” My grandfather shuddered, “It wasn’t human. Humans don’t do that to other humans. I was worried about Francis’ safety. I gave him an earful on the way home about it. He was a bit embarrassed but he realized where I was coming from. I was worried for him. He promised me he’d be more careful and that was that… or so I thought.”  

My grandfather took back the picture frame and removed the back. He took out a photo hidden behind the other one and placed it on his lap.  

This one was slightly better quality. I now knew what my grandfather meant by behemoth, the one man standing next to Francis was an absolute giant. Next to them stood two women, one crossing her arms and trying to look serious while a woman of Asian descent was practically leaning all of her weight on the serious woman, clearly laughing and having a good time.

“Sten, Francis, Alana, and Lihua.”  

My grandfather pointed at each of them when he said their name. “So many things you can’t see in this picture… Alana’s hair was so red you’d think it’d somehow find a way of bleeding into these old picture. Lihua had the most joyful laugh, when she got going the whole town could hear it. I never saw her without a smile. Sten’s arms were covered in this old scars, I never got the story for all of them but he was a warrior, a soldier in another life, he told me.”

I leaned in close to the picture. “Who are these people?” I asked.

“They were Bea’s.”  

Leaning back in the bed, my grandfather sighed. “Almost two weeks after we found her stranded on the side of the road, I would’ve forgotten all about it. But when we were heading home after work, we were suddenly surrounded by Bea’s two girlfriends. Lihua looped her arm in with Francis’, Alana put hers with mine, and they pulled us down the street towards a car as they chatted us up like we were old friends. I’d thought I was about to get robbed when I recognized who was driving that car- it was Sten. Alana and Lihua drew straws to see who would be walking, there wasn’t enough spots for us all to sit, Lihua lost and proceeded to call Alana a bitch before laughing and starting to walk. Sten drove us to probably one of the nicest houses in town, and that’s when we had tea with Bea.”

My grandfather rolled his eyes. “She said she always had a taste for the dramatic. Any advice I gave Francis he promptly forgot and the two flirted the whole. Damn. Time. I mean, by then I realized she wasn’t just trying to get Francis in trouble, she’d had him brought to her just so they could be on a date. But I still didn’t trust her. She was strange. Something about her just didn’t sit right with me.”  

He paused for a while. “… But when she came to me, asking for my help to find ways to keep seeing Francis, I couldn’t say no. She said she found him… handsome. Charming. Genuine. She called the time we lived in full of sociopaths that would stone Francis if they had any idea they were interested in each other romantically. She promised me she wouldn’t hurt him. Promised me that if anyone tried to hurt him, they’d have to go through her. I told her to get in line, cuz they’d be going through me first. That smile on her face almost seemed a little condescending, but she said that Francis couldn’t ask for a better friend.

“They started seeing each other weekly. I was their go between. I’d pass letters in between the two of them, tell them when the other had time to meet. I took that picture right there,” He pointed to the one with Bea’s friends, “And I watched their romance blossom. I learned more about the world from Bea and the others than I ever learned from school. I considered them friends… but the perfect little secret that Francis and Bea had couldn’t stay secret forever.”  

My grandfather’s shoulders sagged as he placed the photograph on his bedside table. “It was just a whisper. I think someone noticed the look in Francis’ eyes whenever Bea passed by, or maybe they weren’t nearly as discreet as they thought. But when the whispers started, I knew my friend was in danger. People had killed for less than whispers. We made a plan. Dead of night, they’d pack up, head north. I’d accompany them to New York and see them off to France. Hell, I even considered going with them, go see the world… We never got a chance.”

I shook my head. “I’m not going to like this story’s end, am I?” I asked.

My grandfather didn’t answer, instead he continued with his stories.

“Francis and I were heading to Bea’s house, our suitcases were packed. Francis was humming love songs under his breath when I heard the gunshot.” Grandfather’s fists balled up, knuckles turning white. “I saw blood shoot out from Francis’ side and he fell to the ground. I turned and saw the sheriff leading a mob of angry men. I could’ve left Francis then, saved myself from the heap of trouble I was going to be in. But I didn’t. I picked Francis up and carried him the rest of the way.”

My grandfather reached up and pulled down his shirt sleeve, revealing an old puckered scar. “They got me once in the shoulder, twice in the leg. I remember you being a little girl and asking why I walked the way I do. I did say you I’d tell you when you were older, well, now you know. I don’t know how I made it to Bea’s house, but I collapsed at the front door. Francis was cussing, I was too. The door opened and out walked Bea. When she saw how bloodied up we both were and how Francis was hurt bad, I saw a tear sneak down her face before she just went dead calm and wiped it away.”

For a few moments he was quiet. “Cass, you know I’ve not lost my mind. I’m sharp as I was back then, maybe even more so. But what I saw… I just wanted to forget all these years, and I never can.

“Bea walked out in front of the mob, followed by the others. She looked at the mob and quietly asked who shot Francis. One of the stupid bastards near the front raised his hand… and then she snapped it off with the same amount of effort it would take to break a twig. He howled before she went for his throat, her canines became sharp as knives and she’d grown claws an inch long. The others followed suit. Alana ripped open the sheriff’s ribcage and stomped on his heart. Sten took a man’s head and crushed it between his hands. The man’s brains splattered over his face before he roared like a lion and charged into the fray. Lihua caught a coward trying to run away before dragging him into the dark. I heard him scream once for his mother before I heard a crack and nothing else.”

Grandfather shook his head. “It was over quicker than you’d think. That mob was about twenty men in their prime, and in about five minutes each one was dead. Sten licked off each of his fingers before coming to me, picking me up and carrying me indoors while Bea cradled Francis in her arms. I wasn’t sure if he was breathing anymore… and that was the last time I saw him.”  

“What happened after that?” I asked, shocked I could find my voice.

“They disappeared.” My grandfather shrugged. “When I woke up the next morning, I was in my own bed, all bandaged up. The whole town was in an uproar. The sheriff and his sons, all dead, along with several other ‘upstanding’ men of the town. Bea was gone, along with the others. No sign of where they’d gone. Francis… Francis was also gone. They never found his body, but they went and said he was dead anyhow. Probably for the best, I can’t imagine how they’d blame the slaughter on a single man but I’m surprised they didn’t try. We all just pretended nothing ever happened. I took care of Francis’ little siblings like they were my own brothers and sisters. I never told anyone before tonight about my best friend.”  

I couldn’t believe it. Most of me wanted to reason out how that couldn’t have happened. Stuff like that didn’t happen.  

Instead when I opened my mouth I asked, “Was the man in the car today, was it really Francis?”

“Looking just like the last day I saw him.” My grandfather sunk into the pillow, I could see how tiring this whole experience was for him. “Whatever Bea was must’ve crawled right up out of hell. You need to know that, before you go with her.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

My grandfather smiled sadly.

“Because the way your eyes lit up while looking at her, it was the same way Francis’ did when he first saw her… I think I’m going to shut my eyes for now, I’m feeling tired. Go to bed, Cassandra… I love you.”

I swallowed the hard lump in my throat before getting up. “I love you too, Grandpa,” I said before fleeing the room.

Just before I closed the door, I think I heard the sound of his window being pushed up. But I wasn’t sure until I came in the next morning and it had been left open. My grandfather had passed away with the most content look on his face. He was at peace, finally having revealed his darkest secret.

The funeral had long been planned, nearly everyone in town attended. People came up to me and told me how my grandfather was the most open-minded and kindest of people. I got told stories of his generosity, his good sense of humor.  

Hours passed until I was finally sitting alone between his grave and the ones of my parents. My tears had dried up, leaving an empty hole inside me. For the first time in my life, I could truly say I was alone.

I heard quiet footsteps approached and I looked up to see her.

Bea was wearing a dark coat and black stockings. Her hair had been carefully pinned back, her eyes reddened with tears. “Can I sit with you?” She asked.

I nodded and patted the ground next to me, the side closer to my grandfather’s grave. She nodded before taking her seat, folding her legs under herself. “… Your grandfather was my friend. I owe him a great deal. Did he tell you about me?” She said.

I nodded.

“Shot three times, carrying the bleeding body of my dearest love and his dearest friend,” Bea’s breath shuddered and she wiped her eyes, “I could never repay that. I offered, but I knew he wouldn’t accept the only thing I had to give before he even responded. I’m not sure if even remembered the talk we had before I took him home that night.” Her fingers combed through the freshly turned earth.  

“What did you offer?” I asked quietly.

“… Eternity.”

She got up and glanced at the other pair of graves next to me. “He’s with his wife, his daughter, and his son in law. I think he couldn’t live in a world that he knew he’d never be able to see them again, so I am glad he didn’t take my gift when I offered it again last night.” She looked down at me and smiled, extending her hand. “Would you like to go on a trip? A chance of pace might help you.”

I knew what offer was hidden behind those words. I glanced at my parents’ graves, dead when I was just a little girl. I looked at my grandparents’ graves, much newer than theirs.  

I took Bea’s hands and she pulled me to my feet. “I think I wouldn’t mind visiting Paris. I’ve always wanted to see the Eiffel tower. Is it more beautiful in person?” I asked.

Bea smiled widely.  

“It will take your breath away.”

Together we walked to the car, this one was probably a lot bigger than the one my grandfather talked about. Sten was even bigger than the picture suggested, he was sitting in the driver’s seat while Lihua took selfies of them both. I think I caught a glimpse of some sort of Instagram filter on the screen before Lihua dropped the phone, she was laughing too hard to hold it. In the back seat Alana was reading something on a Kindle, absorbed entirely in the digital pages.

The car door opened and there sat Francis. His eyes were also tinged red from tears, but he smiled as he looked at me.  

“You look a lot like your grandfather. Come on in, we got space to squeeze in one more.”

[apparentlyteodora]

rant. whenever i talk to any fan - here on tumblr and outside it - about paul mccartney and they say hes theirs or something and not mine instead of like respecting me and like cheering me up for it i often feel like he would never want to be my boyfriend/husband hypothetically cause of my body (im fat) and even my personality,, i mean obviously imma be sort of selfish and want everyone to like "ship" me with him and stuff like that cause i have my reasons that are on a deep personal lvl (ive never been in a relationship and i have no irl friends so im all alone ever since i was a 5 year old when my fav person - my grandma - died and hes the only reason why im still alive atp) and tbh having to see those comments - jokes or not - i cant stop taking them deep into my heart and feeling more depressed until the point my overthinking literally worsens and i get tons of anxiety meltdowns etc etc.

my internet bff, despite not being in the beatles/paul mccartney community, keeps cheering me up about thaul (paul and me) every time i talk to her about him and imagine myself as his love and im glad shes at least the only person who understands the pain i always go through every time i see others shipping each other with him and some of them just joking about how that guy's theirs and not that persons' etc. like idek what to say anymore rn i might as well just suffer until i completely lose myself and find my way out of this world somehow 🤷🏻‍♀️

by the way if i see anyone hating on me for this (judging me by this rant while not fully getting to know me or while not knowing me at all) then pls either leave me alone cause im not trynna start a war over my own emotions or get blocked.

[foxxdoolz]

Journal (6-10-24)

I was told journaling is good for the mind. I don't believe that steaming wad of bullshit, but here we are.

Maybe there's something to say about something. But even as I type this, my mind his blank. Blank like always. Always blank. I've given it a phrase at this point.

The Art of Destroying Your Life.

Because, truly, at this point, it's my greatest piece of work to date. Not the scripts I have written, not the films I've made, but my inherent ability to feel nothing about my life.

I'm happy sometimes, sure, sad sometimes, but I can't run away from this crippling feeling of nothingness. That I simply just exist. And I love existing and breathing and loving and thinking.

I think about how, right now, at the age of twenty-one, I live surrounded by trash. Not hyperbole. Rotting takeaway on the floor, liquor cans standing right next to it, snack wrappers taking up an entire side of my bed so no body could sleep near. I find it totally disgusting, and yet I continue to let it rot.

Living is monotonous. And I love living, but I can't help the thoughts that any time I smile or laugh, am I just sliding a mask on? Am I truly content if the second I am away from whatever is immediately making me happy, I feel nothing?

I get into these slumps where I don't feel like existing. Not that I want to stop existing, no, but I don't want to be perceived, I suppose.

I remember the first time I felt this way. Eighteen. The retail place I worked at just closed down, my stability of my favorite job ever, gone without my say. And there would be weeks that would pass where I didn't shower, ate filth, the only moments of happiness coming from fleeting moments with my friends.

And, then, I applied to a film school, halfway across the country, and I felt invigorated. I had a goal to achieve. I had something to do. And I was constantly working towards that goal.

And now, I'm at that film school, I've achieved that goal, and now it's just life. I just go to school, go to work, eat filth, and don't shower until I have to be perceived.

I wonder if these slumps existed before I was eighteen. If that's why I took my first drag of a cigarette at thirteen. If that's why I first stole a crappy seltzer from my mom at fourteen. If that's why I first coughed marijuana from my lungs at fifteen.

I no longer smoke weed, having stopped when I was about seventeen, and, though it may sound like it, I don't drink often. I like to drink socially, but the thought of drinking alone is boring. The cans on my floor are from weeks of long shifts at work.

I confided in a friend of mine recently that I want to go to therapy. Therapy costs money, money I do not have when I am living paycheck to paycheck. But, hopefully in the near future, I can take that step. I'm an open book, really, and I love talking to people.

I've been thinking about my grandma a lot recently. My dad's mom. She passed away when I was five. I only have one memory of her face, and the memories of my father's face when talking about her. I think about how my dad was barely an adult when he lost his mom, only thirty-five, when there was still so much more he needed from her. Cancer is a fucking mess, I suppose.

I also think about he was only a little bit older than I am now when he lost his own father. A good for nothing, angry drunk, but still his father. How, among the myriad of shitty stories I've been told, my dad still thinks so highly of his own father. Idolizes him, loves him, despite the bullshit.

I wonder if my dad looks at my mom's parents and feels a pang of jealousy. Still alive, still healthy, not miserable drunks doomed to cancer or psychiatries. Jealous that my mom's family, for all of the assholes and strange people, is massive, when my dad has very little.

My mom with too many brothers and sisters to remember the names of, and my father with his two sisters, and newly found half-brother. I think it meant a lot to my dad to find his family growing. It's only been a few years since he's known his half-brother, and it's only been a few times I've seen my half-uncle, but a little bit of light comes back to my dad's eyes when he's around. A light that fizzled when his mom died.

The same light that re-entered when his long-divided cousin and him got back into contact. Once again, cancer is a fucking mess-

...

I think I'll have to come back to this. I'm pretty sure something just dropped into my tub, like an alive thing.

At first I thought it was just one of my neighbors when I heard something fall behind the wall, and then I heard the unmistakable sound of something clawing at ceramic.

I went to go investigate, thought I saw something move in the darkness of my bathroom, and promptly slammed the door closed.

I need to ready myself before I can check it out. Maybe it's a rat, or a pigeon, or maybe I just need to go to sleep.

-PCD

[blackbozo]

TW: Vent Post.

Hey so uhm.. This is a vent post so if you don't wanna see that, keep scrolling.

I don't really know where to really.. begin with this. But basically, I'm just tired.

I feel tired, I feel dead inside most of the time when I'm alone. I feel like a husk. I'm so tired of going to school, where I get bullied pretty much all the time.

It's not that I hate my school. The teachers are nice, my friends are nice but.. it doesn't really do much.

Most of my school year so far has been just filled with being bullied.

At this point, most days there's only one thing that keeps me going. Not my friends or family, but someone very, very special to me.

And.. it's gotten really bad lately, this "relationship" I have with this person. I love him so, so damn much. Late September I confessed my feelings to him.

He doesn't feel the same.

And I haven't really.. accepted that. I've been.. really creepy. I do things to him I don't do to anyone else.. I say things to him that I don't say to anyone else.

And I'm scared, for him. I'm scared he'll get so tired of me and my bullshit that he'll block me. And I honestly wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I've developed extremely terrible attachment issues to this person. We met on Wattpad and just talked. I didn't see his face, he didn't see mind. We bonded over fictional crushes and fan-fiction.. and it was great and fine and normal.. Except I wasn't normal. I liked him back then.. a lot.

But then he disappeared. For 10 months.

10. Months. I suffered without him.

The whole reason I'm making this post is so I don't really say this to him, cause I don't want him to feel bad, or hate me. He left unwillingly.

He wrote smut and his parents found out and they grounded him.

But I thought he left because of me. That I was too creepy, too weird, too clingy. I thought he died. And.. I thought I was gonna move on, but nope. Early September he came back, and said he had moved to tumblr, here.

That's the whole reason I made this account, to talk to him.

To be friends again.

And it's been fine. We've been roleplaying a lot in our dms, but we always did what I wanted, which he got upset over because it wasn't fair. I didn't blame him.

But.. I thought he hated me. I thought he was gonna block me.

Some nights I would cry when he'd go offline for the night, others I'd just do something else.

But that night, I selfharmed. It was the third time I had over him. Not because I was mad at him, I was mad at myself.

I still feel like I deserved it, like it should've done something really bad, but I didn't.

I'm not okay without him, and I won't be okay without him.

Some days in the middle of school I think how he could just.. die. And I'd have no idea. He could just poof and be gone forever.

I still cry about that thought sometimes.

It doesn't help with my dad fucking sucking.

He makes me miserable. I get he's a single dad with anger issues, but he's not even trying to stop sometimes.

He smokes marijuana, which isn't terrible, but it's extremely illegal in our state.

My mom's alive, but she can't take care of me. I have a half brother and half sister, both of which are older than me.

They recently got evicted and I'm still worried about them.

And I feel unwanted by her. and by my siblings. I've tried so many damn times to just hangout and talk.

Y'know, be a family despite their situation.

I'm not asking for money either by the way, it's just what's going on.

I feel like a damn screw up all the time, like my entire family hates me. My friends hate me. My whole school hates me.

I hate myself.

I hate being alive, I hate everything and everyone, I just never say anything, because one, they'd yell at me, and two they'd be hurt. Because my feelings are invalid until I say something about them that's negative.

And I also live with my grandma. I love her, but she's been fucking driving me insane. I've had to help her with pretty much everything lately, and I get screamed at and called an asshole if I don't drop everything to help her in the next 10 seconds. And then she goes to her room and cries and I always have to apologize, even if I didn't even do anything.

And there's another thing.

I feel like I can't do a single damn thing without being judged.

Who I like, what I like, whatever.

What I eat, how I sleep, the stuff I watch.

The things I enjoy.

It's all judged and frowned apon by fucking everyone. They say they like me, but they don't fucking show it.

I'm so damn done being a people pleaser for everyone, but then if I'm not everyone hates me.

I can't control anything either. I know I'm still a child but I'm almost 13. My dad treats me like my input doesn't matter at all.

He's been trying to convince me to move out, when we don't have to.

He just wants to get away from my grandma, which is fair sometimes, but it's still mean.

He makes me feel like I don't matter, like I'm not a person. He's told me that basically my input doesn't matter cause I'm a child.

I'm so damn tired of everything and everyone.

I'm tired.

[overlordchris]

Didn’t expect things to end up like this, but alas. The start of a new year, but I’m stuck on what has been either tied for or was the worst year of my life.

Idk, maybe I was hoping someone from my past would reach out in some way, but nah. Still nothing.

I’m just so alone. I don’t know what to do. What’s the point of it all? I get 0 enjoyment out of life and tbh everyone else seems to only be doing great without me.

I made the mistake of opening Instagram. Curiosity took hold. I intended to deactivate my account but decided to check on my ex for reasons I fully don’t even know. Maybe cause I miss her? Maybe cause I wanted some confirmation? She doesn’t have much on her account but I leaned Instagram compiles your stories from the year and I selected that.

Lots of time stamps showing lots of fun things happened for her. I guess I’m happy for her, but still doesn’t erase how bad I feel.

What have I done since then? Where have I gone? What do I have? The last 24 hours has just big one huge reminder that I have nothing.

She’s happy, looks to be in better shape, still has Luna, and I just feel so forgotten. It’s like I never existed to her or anyone I had ever known outside of my family. I’ve already gone over how my family has changed so much by staying the same, how I feel no real connection with any of them outside of my mom, and partially my grandma?

Moved to the shower cause I started to cry.

Why do I write any of this? Why do I post it here? It all ties to just wanting to mean something to someone. To feel cared for in any way. The idea has always been, when I die, almost certainly by my own hands, there will be something left behind in case anyone had any curiosity or cared. But let’s be honest, it’s also a cry for help. Like how could it not be? But it’s not in the sense I am seeking attention, cause if that’s what I wanted I’d have no issue finding it. It’s more I’m hoping for attention? Hoping I mattered enough for someone to check in?

It’s like with the months post breakup. Of course I could have reached out to people. In fact, I did so within the first 48 hours. The point has always been though that I need someone to reach out to me. To prove someone cares enough to want to help me. Like that’s what love is supposed to be, right? Wanting to help and support someone, caring about their existence? I guess lived experience would say otherwise, but even so I can’t be the only person to think this way. I’m not special.

I often think, if I had died at any point since May and now, outside of family and medical professionals, who would know? Who would genuinely know? Who would care? There’s been absolutely 0 contact from anyone I could truly say. As far as what my existence surmounts to it’s no different than if I had died.

And that’s what brings me to today. Why I’m crying in the shower writing all this. I’m just reminded of how alone I am. I don’t want to feel like it matters, but it just does for me. To feel like I’m nothing to anyone just pushes the question of why don’t I just do it already harder and harder. What am I here for? I’m incredibly unhappy, no one cares why, I just become a burden on those I want or need, I got nothing. So what the hell is the point? I don’t want to get out there and see stuff or do stuff cause at the end of the day, what does it matter? It matters as much as if I said I have been to 70 countries and had millions in the bank. Who’s to say I haven’t or I don’t? No one else knows me or cares to no me. At the end of the day why would I want to visit 70 counties when the experience would just only ever exist within me, and I don’t even want to be alive to begin with? What’s the point? What’s the difference in every aspect of life for every person pre this and post this?

Some people like to be alone, and I do feel like I’m naturally inclined to fall in that camp. But people who are alone are not always lonely. They have something out there that shows some degree of care. What 2024 has taught me is that I thought I had that, but in my cause it wasn’t ever real. I had a fake version of that, and it’s been revealed I’m starting on a journey people who have been alone were able to navigate through much earlier in life where it was possible to make connections just by matter of existing. I’m starting at 34 thinking I had connections but discovering they r lived a lie their whole life. It’s so daunting. It’s something I feel no one could understand unless they were in such a situation. The chance of meeting someone who can understand and related to this is so unlikely it’s essentially an impossibility.

So, if this is ever discovered before it’s wiped from these servers, I guess just know if I’m gone, and that mattered to you in any way, none of this is to make you feel sorry or like you could have done something. Could/would/should are all terms associated with obligations. I never wanted to, but have always felt like I was an obligation. Want/desire/need all relate in terms of being internal and personal motivators. I’m lonely, betrayed, and honestly scared of where I am. I don’t like living with these feelings inside me. To no longer have them would be what I want absolutely more than anything. So, I repeat, if this is ever discovered and it’s post death, any shred or internal motivator you had related to my existence can be assured by my own words, I would be at peace.

I’ve been partially knowingly trying to trick myself that Jan 1st of 2025 would be a new starting point. That if I just think in terms of all 2025 being its own thing, starting at a new point would help me to reset in someway. Give me something to stand on. But here I am with the reality. For the last 10 years I saw fireworks at the start of a new year. I had someone to celebrate with. I had someone to kiss. My entire struggle with depression for the last 20+ years has been just more and more straining on me. I try to keep myself hopeful by trying to convince myself there’s a magic bullet that will finally help me. Medication, therapy, getting my head ponded on for 2 months, none of it. I tried finding people who i could say I’m struggling for, but they’re all so much more happy without me. All I really have left are obligations. That’s my entire meaning for life right now.

[mcrmadness]

I absolutely hate it when I see videos online where it's an animal that is old and/or sick, and people just find it cute or make fun of it. I just saw a video on Instagram of a 18-year-old cat who was quite thin with tangled hair and the cat was definitely limping, indiciating it might have problems with its back or leg joints.

What did the people in the comments do? Keep saying the cat is so cute, or laughing about how it's definitely been hiding all those years (it was the poster's grandma's cat whom they hadn't seen ever despite visiting their grandma every year, which alone is already very alarming). Only a few people were asking why does the cat's hair look like that, and some said it's because older cats are not able to take care of their fur as properly anymore, someone said cats do that to their fur if they're in pain, and someone else pointed out they might want to take the cat to a vet because it looks a lot like a symptoms of an illness, and someone else dared to reply to that comment by saying the cat is fine. Someone, who has nothing to do with the cat or the person posting it.

CW under the cut for me talking about animal euthanasia and symptoms of old, sick animals etc.

Meanwhile I sit here like. "This cat is clearly not healthy and would probably be better to put it down." I know it's a controversial take, but one of the most important aspects of pet owning is to know when it's time to let go. There's no point in trying to keep them alive if every day is filled with pain despite medications. Especially since cats are animals that WILL hide their pain and I have seen it too many times with our previous cats that they will start showing symptoms when it's already too late. It's also not a fun feeling to see a cat suddenly crawling on the floor because it cannot walk anymore, and all you can do is quickly take it to the vet for an emergency euhanasia because the cat's body has already given up anymore and it's not coming back even with medical help anymore. It just won't.

This cat in the said video looked exactly like our 17-year-old cat whom we decided to put down before it was too late. He had already been on medication for hyperthyroidism (which was also the illness someone else suggested in the comments for this video) for a few years, he had a daily pain medication because of his back and osteoarthitis. He had been losing weight and his fur looked messy and dirty, tho one of our other cats kept taking care of him and sometimes he tried to do that himself too. What was the final was when he started to puke so often and he puked more often than what the food stayed in, and he was starting to make some horrific noises when doing so, and I just told my family that this does not look good and I think we should take him to a vet asap and let him go because this is not a cat's life anymore. I wanted him to go while he was still himself and didn't want to see him also lose his ability to walk like the two cats before him. And my family agreed, and tho it was tough seeing him with so bright eyes at the vet, I still definitely rather remember that than if he had turned into a cat who's not willing to give up despite the body already dying.

Seeing videos of really old pets always irks me because often it's people going "LOOK HOW OLD THIS ANIMAL IS" and not caring about whether the animal looks healthy or free of pain. I have nothing against old animals as long as they still can live a life the species deserves and if the life is painless. Our late dog was also on several medications and it was the vet who told us that we were now at the point where the medications did not take away the pain anymore and it'd have been more humane to put her down, and so we decided to do that since she would have not gotten any better. I had also been watching old videos before that and it hit me that this dog we had back then was nothing like the old dog, and that she was no longer herself and she was clearly not doing well anymore despite all the medications.

Another pet peeve of mine is when people online keep posting videos of sick animals, or animals with disorders. I don't remember the name, but for example that disorder on cats that makes them walk funnily because it's something to do with their balance or something. And how romanticized that is. Or the cats with super short legs who can't even jump. I always think that these cats cannot live a normal cat's life so is that life worth living? I mean, if they seem fine, then sure, but if it looks like they struggle with normal things or have pain due to the disorder, is it really a cat's life then? I know mutations happen and cats like this are born every now and then and there's nothing we can do about it, but what I'm against is the glorification of such disorders and mutations and people breeding more animals that have those just because human being will find them "cute". Videos like these might also make clueless people want animals like these without them understading what it means. It's not just a cute cat but it might be adopting a cat with serious special needs - and again this is not cute. Other animals cannot really tell us whether they want to life like this because all animals have so strong survivial instinct of course they will choose life over death even if in the nature they would not survive. With a human being they can, but I don't think it's good to encourage breeding and glorifying animals with illnesses, disorders and mutations (unless it's something that does not affect the animal's state of life in any way, such as most colour mutations) because animals are not objects. They are living things with emotions and feelings.

[asakurahaos]

tw animal death, tw pet death

long vent/rant bc i need to sort my thoughts.

right. so, my family has a house in the village my grandpas from and we go there whenever we have time. and whenever we go there, our neigbours' cats flock to our yard.

two years ago one of the cats had kittens - and out of all of them only one survived. (theyre all outdoor/barn cats; no one even thinks of having a cat as a pet, or in the house at all, and dont really care for them)

well, that one came over to our yard for the past two years and he would be tangled in our legs before we could even get out of the car.

last week, my grandma and i stayed in the village while my parents went back to the city. hes there, bothering us for pets and food constantly, and other cats are laying about, relaxed. everything is fine until thursday morning.

i woke up and my grandma immediately mock complained about him not eating like usual (he always ate a lot) and said that the lazy ass wandered off to sleep like usually. he ate, bothered us, slept, ate, we bothered him, he slept... you get it. we didnt think anything was wrong at first.

then i found vomit on our porch. we thought it was one of the other cats - she ate a lot that morning, and shes the one who hunts most mice, so with the amount of vomit and a mouse in it, we figured it was her. but she seemed fine, and he didnt show up at noon, evening, night. he was always ready to eat, so him not showing up for an entire day was worrying.

then he didnt show up the next day either, and one of our neighbours came over to tell us another neighbour passed away, and while he was there he wondered where the cat was because he was unused to the cat not bothering him while he was there. grandma explained his not eating + vomiting + disappearance and the neighbour told us people use poison for mice and that the cat mustve eaten a poisoned mouse and got poisoned himself.

i tried to comfort myself: hes a young cat, decently sized, well fed. healthy. the mouse he threw up was nearly whole (if youre squeamish look away - the head and body were separated, but it seemed like he gulped down the entire thing in one bite, which wouldnt even surprise me if he did, and didnt look like it even started dissolving. it was like he swallowed it and threw it back up almost immediately). so, because of its state and him throwing up what seemed like everything he ate, i thought. maybe hes fine. maybe he didnt get poisoned. it shouldnt be possible when the mouse was nearly intact and he threw up everything... right?

and we waited and waited and expected to see him waiting for us either on our doorstep or in the shed where we feed him, like he did every morning since he was a kitten.

we returned home today (sunday afternoon) and were still hoping he will be there, tripping us up on friday afternoon, when we go back to the village. at this point, its been four whole days, and hes never been gone even half as long, but were hoping.

my grandma took it really hard, and its making me worry. i feel like mom is trying not to think about him, and im stuck between 'hes fine, hell return', completely ignoring the situation, and remembering him every time i start laughing or feeling positive and becoming sad, and crying over him and every other kitty weve lost, and all the kittens were inevitably going to lose soon.

on the other hand - a young cat(f) came to our yard for the first time yesterday, and another cat(m) we thought was dead showed up after months of not being there. hes so skinny its heartbreaking to look at (last we saw him, he was hurt pretty badly, which, along with his long absence, is why we thought he died). seeing him was bittersweet, since we love him too, and hes alive but hes so skinny + the timing of his return.

if hes dead i wish that it was quick. and im sorry that he was alone. if hes not, then im bringing him back home, fuck my allergies and apartment-cat trauma. the thought of never getting to bother him again or carry him like a baby and him never bothering us again.... i want him back

[gonzogodzilla]

Anyway I'm simultaneously feeling the most mentally stable AND fucked up that I have in a long time. And I know why, the fucked up part is that I'm falling into old destructive patterns to feel like I have some sort of control over my life. Which is why I actually feel SO much more secure and stable, I've channeled the instability into a "controlled" pain.

Now the pain is that comfy old friend ED. She's a bitch. I know exactly what I'm doing and I will not tell anyone, not even my therapist. And I know that's psychotic, I know that's wrong. I'm aware of exactly what I'm doing.

It doesn't help that it started because one of my many glorious mystery chronic illness symptoms lately has been nausea. So I was eating less because of that, and then that empty feeling tickled a part of my brain and here we are. Today I've eaten... well honestly not technically nothing but none of it was a real meal. Mostly coffee and beer (beer has calories, is that a win?).

Its amazing how much more quickly my body reacts to abuse than it did as a teen. I think it's been like a month of this garbage and my hair is already fucked and brittle. I mean I guess I haven't been eating well for a while, it's just taken a severe dip recently. (I have never been good at eating when I live alone).

It's actually fascinating to watch? In like a really fucking morbid way. Do most people who do this shit know it's awful? I'm led to believe they're all in denial. I 100% know it's wrong and bad for me and all of that. I know it's not sustainable. I know it'll end in madness. I know it could very well eventually kill me.

I guess it's like smoking. You do it knowing literally all of the risks, and you just sort of assume it won't happen to you? Or hope. Or I mean maybe you subconsciously DO hope it'll happen to you. Do I really want to live another 40 years? 50? My grandma is 73 this year, I'm 32 this year. Thinking about having that much time left makes me want to be throw up, how the fuck am I supposed to go another 40 fucking years? I'm not even at the half way point? Fuck.

I'm not sure if the people who think life is short are happier than me or if they just don't see it. I have lived 31 years, it's a lifetime. And I have at least that left? Another lifetime? Unbelievable. Fake news. Couldn't be me.

This is rambling and I'm still going to post it and no one is going to read it. And that's fine. I'm not even drunk, for once. I am fully and totally conscious. Is this an autistic thing? Do we just KNOW ourselves so well we can be totally in the midst of... madness and self-destruction and just... choose it? I don't know how else to handle being alive quite frankly. And if SLOWLY killing myself is the answer to not immediately checking out then quite frankly it's an easy choice.

I have no counter. I know it's bad. I know I shouldn't. But I'm going to anyway. Because as bad as it feels, I know it could feel worse. I know it could be just over with no do-over. At least this way there is a chance of coming out the other side. It's harm reduction. It's genuinely the least destructive.

Because honestly I want a cigarette so fucking badly these days. But I know it'll curb my appetite and then I'll not only be starving myself but I'll also be poisoning my body to boot. Somehow this is the better option, and that is genuinely astounding. It's like when my doctor told my mum that he would prefer her smoking actual cigarettes to vaping, because we KNOW the harm cigarettes do but we don't actually know enough about vaping.

I apologize for the block of text to anyone who is still active and follows me. I'm posting it. I'm not deleting it. I want this for my own future reference. I'm sure someday this will be informative? I don't even know know how else to explain it.

There has to be someone as crazy as me out there.

[ele-sme]

“In my delulu era” expect i been in this era since the moment i was born, growing up without friends. At some point in my early years of life, (and im not talking about 7 or 8 im talking about 2 or 3) i must have thinked “people likes good children who are always nice and being cute” so here I'm a 15-year-old girl who has been a people pleasure all her life. I forgive anyone since i can remember, my first best friend? was embarrassed of me and would tell our other classmates i was her friend always leaving me alone during break. My sisters? both dicks, we are so not meant for each other all 3 of us have another personality all 3 of us hating the others one. My parents? My dad a old man who decided he wanted another couple of children at 40+ who is not a bad idea but since the relationships with the other two aren't great maybe you should have thinked twice last week he beated up my younger sister, MY BABY SISTER and i just watch without saying anything, i don't even know if i want to stay with him anymore, which is crazy because he is my daddy my hero and i can't do anything if not hate me for thinking this, my mom a woman who had children late in life, living her youth and I'm like great good for you mom but then i learn she lefted her boyfriend of ten years because his dad died and he was distant for six months, okay but what else? Or yes! at march i had a fever 40 Celsius i reapt 40 FUCKING CELSIUS and she kepted complain about her pains, MOM YOU ARE 53 IS OBLIUS YOU BACK HURT. My best friend, i know this man for now 4 years and Wanna know what he talled me when i telled what my father did? “Until 40 years ago people everyone were doing it then it become strange” i can't even stand enter our chat. my other friend, i know her only for 9 months but she gotta be the most self centerd girl i ever knew, she never asked about me but when i talled her she started she gotten mad at me for not coming when i had the fever at march, she did not come to my birthday party because the guy who she has a crush had a game, fun fuct?she never talked to him and she had this crush for 2 years, whiteout taliking, she likes him only because of his appearance for all she can know he can be the most sexist man alive but still she preferred to go to his game. My grandmother, i don't know i fuck about my grandmother, she love me and my sister but she never calls we need to call her, i didn't call her and im didn't hear from her in a month, don't get me wrong i love her but jeez grandma you can call sometimes i don't need to always do it. All my fucking EVER classmates from the kindergarten to high school fuck you all, i tried be your friends elementary but i was a strange kid for your standards so alone, all day until i gotten home which i was alone again. To my kindergarten friends i loved you guys but why no one asked me ever to go to your home? Why when Lucrezia maded jokes on me you guys were laughing? I'm fat, i know it im always has been hope not always gotta be but at this point i don't care. to my middle school classmates i never been in more of a toxic place but at least you were my friends, if you aren't understanding i maded friendship with THE BOYZ, yup really stupid of me. to my high school classmates, school is ending and i never tried so hard to make friends but none of you even tried and im honestly tired i just would like someone to ask to go with me Friday night to do something instead of being home all day, and to my new classmates fuck you girls, i been nice since day one to you, i complimented  your clothes and your hair, were the first to welcome you in the class and now you all joking on me behind my back well you girls know what?fuck you, hope you parents change you of schools and you go through what you making me. I'm tired to be the people pleases, the one who is nice, the boring person in the room, im fun i swear i simple can't act with people who i don't know well close i want you guys to make a move for me not i doing all the moves to win this fucking game, i want to give my first fucking kiss, i want i guy who i can kiss in all the way i want to and i don't want to wait until im 18 to do so thanks to a site or a app, i want to get drunk i want to go clubbing all night even if i don't like it. i want many and i mean many friends, i want a high school sweetheart i don't want what I'm having now, i don't deserve this I DESERVE BETTER.

sorry guys for this post i just needed to let go of something, it actually helped me so yay