#shes actually fucking stupid we overnighters should be able to finish all our jobs by the time our shift ends !!!! that shouldnt be a

[vampyrfagg]

I WAS IN KITCHENALONE AGAIN IMGOINNA ATART MAIMING

[sanguine-tenshi]

I just finished Inazuma and I have words

TL;DR: Hate the story, mixed on characters, love the design and tired of being treated like a 4-year-old with a learning disability.

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

Let’s start with what I like.

Inazuma is absolutely beautiful. I’ll admit Inazuma hits a lot of aesthetic points for me. All the islands are different enough to feel unique but they still look like they are a part of the same land. There are a lot of secrets to discover through just exploring. Each island has a world quest to help it (make it less hostile towards you) so it very much feels like you are saving Inazuma from itself.

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The puzzles are alright.

I like the cubes that rotate, I always put in the effort to figure them out properly.

Hate the ones that don’t rotate, they just aren’t engaging enough for me, so I just hit them at random and hope for the best.

The glowing floor tiles were fun, once you actually realized what they wanted you to do. A little bit too easy if I’m honest.

The electro compass isn’t really much of a puzzle, more of a fetch the nearest electrograna quest.

Those little pillars that require an electro connection are kinda boring to me, again not much of a puzzle, the hardest part is finding both pillars.

I love the new electro seelie, kinda hard to follow the jittery thing in certain parts but they make a nice contrast to the regular seelies.

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I’m very much mixed on characters.

Yoimiya is adorable. She is so bright and bubbly. What little game play we had with her was fun and I love her over the top style of fighting. Kinda disappointed she’s another pyro archer but I do admit it fits her character well. It was also wonderful seeing her just settle down and be quiet, just be a part of that moment that obviously meant a lot to her. It’s always nice to see that bubbly, energetic character have that one quiet thing, ya know. Kinda funny it’s fireworks, of all things, for her.

Gorou I like, from what little we’ve seen of him. My man killed a dude with his thighs so I’m down. I do find it kinda ridiculous that a resistance general has his whole damn belly exposed. There is also something about his voice that just does not fit. I cannot for the life of me put my finger on what exactly it is. Could be the tone itself, could be just voice acting. It sort of feels like the VA is trying to sound deeper than he actually does.

Sangonomiya Kokomi, mixed. I like her design, she looks like some sort of mystical priestess. Again something about the voice is jarring. I expected her to sound sort of airy, like she isn’t 100% present, like she’s seeing something we can’t. TBH she reminds me of Luna from HP for some reason. 

Yae Miko, I was interested because of her design. She sounds very arrogant and up her own ass, which would have been fine...if she hadn’t given us that god-awful line. “...I have high hopes for you, child. Don’t disappoint me.” Dear lord I wanted to punt her off the mountain. Or fucking what! Also she’s some bigshot priestess of the Sacred Sakura and yet she can’t do her damn job properly. Why couldn’t her arrogant ass come down from her high perch and cleanse the stupid roots? Why did the traveler have to do that shit?

Baal looks dead inside. Booba sword is overrated, get a life. I want a remach! And no cutscene shenanigans this time!

Kujou Sara seems like one of those ‘honor above all else’ characters. Those are either hit or miss with me. You have my attention for now. Also what are those shoes woman?! I’d rather you wear those leg-killing, needle point stilettoes instead of those Wish gag shoes. How in the name of all that is holy can you run in those?!

Thoma, I like him. At first I thought we were gonna get another Childe incident, but Thoma is too much of a innocent puppy to pull anything that horrible. To me he fits a fox a lot better than Childe does. Childe is a dingo and I stand behind that.

Kamisato Ayaka...hate her. At first I was neutral on her. Nothing about her design really spoke to me, but I was willing to wait and see. But then miHoYo started to violently push her friendship at us. We are totally friends now, this is the first time you see my face, but we are so totally friends now. And during her story quest everyone was like “Ah, you are so good Ayaka. You are so nice Ayaka. You are so perfect Ayaka. We all love you so much Ayaka. And oh, how could a mere merchant like myself...” Ew, go away. This is the first time I’m actively not pulling on a character banner. Normally I pull even if I’m not particularly interested in a character, because you never know how good their gameplay is until you take them out in the map. But I think I’ll be skipping this one. No thanks.

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And now, the worst part, the story.

We’ve been hearing about the situation in Inazuma for a long time. There has been also a lot of talk about how hard it is to get there. About the wall of thunderclouds that surround the islands. So to have it cut to black and then voila Inazuma, feel just so cheap.

I was expecting something. An animation. A struggle. A quest. A minigame. At least show us the horrible weather! Something! Anything!

Hell if they wanted to be assholes about it they could have made it so that if the player fails at this point the ship is damaged, you return to Liyue and have to wait until tomorrow for the ship to be repaired. No Inazuma for today. That sure as hell would have raised the stakes.

The next complaint I have is with Yurika, the 2 milion mora processing fee girl. Later on Thoma mentions that the agency people see the fees as easy money, so her attitude doesn’t make much sense. After all someone like her would want to extract as much money as she can, but you still want the people to be able to pay that.

So it would make more sense to me if she was overly friendly and asked way too many questions. She’d need to get a much information as she can and after all the previous hostility people would be very open with her. So she’d be able to quickly find out why someone is here, what they are selling and roughly how much money they’d be able to pay. A merchant selling expensive silk would have more many than a regular ore merchant. So she’d be able to extract as much money as she could.

“I know this is a lot of money, especially for something so simple, but there is nothing I can do about it. I’m so very sorry.” And people wouldn’t say anything bad to her because she’s the first friendly face they see in Inazuma.

The stealth mission was just god-awful and I hope we never have to do that nonsense again.

Getting off of Ritou was a bit janky at the end, Chisato should have had a better reason for coming along. But I’m honestly just glad we didn’t get out the usual way...getting stuffed in a crate and smuggled out.

As a side note, I’m getting really tired of characters overexplaining things to me, especially Paimon. Dear lord, not everything has to be said, you can leave me to come to my own conclusions and solutions. Just please, who cares if a few player struggle for a bit, you don’t have to hold my hand through the whole thing.

Ayaka’s three were...ugh. It was basic emotional manipulation. Oh no this guy forgot about the love of his life and he’s been waiting for decades. And oh how sad this guy was so good and he helped these people so much but now he can’t remember. And oh the tragedy this guy forgot his life goal and is now hunted by the demons of the past. Oh the humanity! 

And it did not work. Know why? Because I have no emotional investment in any of these people, in this land. What is happening to the vision bearers in Inazuma is tragic, true, but that doesn’t make me want to overthrow the government. I don’t live here. I just got here. I wanna ask a question or two and then move on. None of this concerns me.

I was so happy when the traveler just flat out refused to start a revolution. And then we had to go and meet some people and immediately I knew this was going to be some oh noes the tragedy moments and then we would agree to help them.

It’s so forced.

Wanna know what would have been better?

Just as we are leaving the Kamisato estate Thoma catches up with us. And he tells us he gets it. We are an outsider and this doesn’t concern us. He was hopeful but he expected the denial. We shouldn’t hold it against Ayaka.

He joins us as a guide because he knows of the people we have to meet.

And so as we help these three we also get to know Thoma. We find out he was an outsider too. He got in just before the worst of it started and then he was stuck in Inazuma. He lost someone to the Vision Hunt. They slowly lost their mind after loosing their vision, their ambition too closely tied to their personality to continue without it (what is happening to Domon hits a little too close to home and he has to walk away, this is where we hear the story of the one he lost). And the same would have happened to him if the Kamisatos hadn't taken him in. He owes them his vision, his sanity and his life.

So this rebellion is personal for him.

At the end of the three wishes the atmosphere is somber. We tell him we understand why Ayaka fights, why he fights. We know that this is all wrong, that it should be stopped...but not by us. We came here to get a lead on our brother. And rebellion isn’t an overnight affaire and we can’t loose so much time in Inazuma.

And yeah, he expected as much. He just asks that we let Ayaka down gently. It’d be a shame if someone as idealistic and hopeful as her lost their spark.

And so we are gentle but firm with Ayaka. She looks like she wants to argue with us but Thoma shakes his head at her. So she sighs and tells us that a promise is a promise. We should come to the Komore Teahouse in a few days and she’ll have a plan for us to meet with the Shogun.

Now we can still have a character story quest with Yoimiya and we can still somehow get involved with helping Master Masakatsu, but it’s through Yoimiya instead of Ayaka.

And instead of a character story quest with Ayaka we have one with Thoma. Hell, give him a whole damn hangout event even.

You can probably guess why I’m pushing the friendship with Thoma so much.

Because. He. Gets. Kidnapped. For. The. 100th. Vision. Ceremony. 

And that would have been the perfect emotional in to get us involved in the rebellion. After all we just saw what happens to people who have their visions taken away and we are not letting that happen to Thoma, someone we just got close to.

So Baal makes it personal for us as well.

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I have a few more minor complaints.

Aoi is stupid for asking for compensation after she tells us everything we needed to know because, ya know, we could have just walked away. We should have.

The whole stupid misunderstanding about the value Kurosawa’s sword holds. Kinda obvious he meant emotional value instead of monetary.

The suspicious amount of visionless NPCs and by that I mean this is the first time we have NPCs with vision. This wouldn’t have been a problem if we’ve seen NPCs with visions in Mond and Liyue.

The whole rebellion camp bit feels incredibly rushed. We just sort of lollygag over there and then there is a fight (against Sara and her stupid shoes).

Don’t make us fight Baal just to force us to lose. It would have been better if we were forced to retreat, because Thoma was injured, because there are too many soldiers for us to handle on our own. Hell, you can have a funny scene where we straight up jump off a cliff with Thoma clinging onto us and screaming bloody murder until he realizes we are slowly gliding away and he’s not about to plummet to his death.

The Sakura cleansing quest should have been voice acted.

The Mirror Maiden and Pyro Agent are totally on a date, I will not be told otherwise.

[ijustneedtowhine]

I realized I don’t want to work, so I won’t.

I feel like I‘m going to be judged for what I’m about to say. But I’m going to say it anyway. I kind of always wanted to be a housewife. Let me start by saying, I hate the term, “housewife”. It sounds like I’m a human pet or something. But moving past the stupid word, I always pictured myself homemaking, married or not. In school, growing up, when we would have to say what we wanted to be when we grew up I never ever meant what I said. I could not for the life of me think of a job I ever wanted to do. It sounds “lazy” but I never wanted to do anything. Don’t get me wrong, there were things I liked to do. I was a very active kid. I did a million different clubs, stage crew and color guard all throughout high school. I enjoyed it all. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that the second I thought about those activities turning into jobs, I lost all interest. Something about turning my hobbies into means of production, swiftly sucked all the joy out of it. I realize now that it was weird we were being taught to aspire to become workers. I just have no interest in living my life that way (doesn’t mean I didn’t try though).

In the beginning I did try to force my round peg into some of the square holes provided by our capitalist society. I went straight to college after high school. My second year in, I decided to turn my hobby of stage crew into a career path. One very big thing ruined this for me. In order to take the classes I needed like; stage lighting, stage makeup, and the opportunity to work on the crew, I had to major in theatre and take all of the acting classes. YEAH. You read that right. I had to freaking act. I have ZERO interest in acting. Very much not my thing you guys. The program director's excuse was that we needed to understand what the actors did as well. These classes were some of the most uncomfortable times in my life and I really wish I had never done it. Needless to say. that only lasted one and a half semesters for me.

One thing I feel like I should inform you of is that 2 weeks before I dropped out of college, my big sister, my absolute favorite person in the world, passed away suddenly. She had small children and an ex unfit to take care of them. My family and I were dealing with custody fights and a new life no one in my family ever wanted. Looking back now I know that it was incredibly traumatic for everyone involved and played a huge roll in why I left school.

Another hobby I tried to turn into work was makeup and skincare. I went to beauty school right after I dropped out of college. You see, even though I was able to convince my parents to let me leave school, they still wanted me to be working towards a career of some sort. So I enrolled into beauty school not fully understanding what I was getting myself into. Like I said, I am only interested in makeup and skincare. But here, at my school you had to also learn to do hair. My naive 20 year old ass trusted the enrollment lady when she said that I wouldn’t have to do much hair and that the program was pretty evenly distributed. LIES. Hair was 90% of what we did there. I fucking hated it you guys. I of course liked certain parts of it. The material was interesting, the tests were a cake walk, I made some friends, and even dated a girl I met there for a short while. But when it came to graduating to the salon and doing real customers hair for 8 hours a day (before going to my job where I worked 5-6hrs a day 6 days a week I might add) I was fucking over it. This on top of my ever blooming anxiety was a real recipe for me to avoid, avoid, avoid. My attendance was piss poor by the end. I got kicked out because of this. I wasted $20,000 on something that turned into nothing and ruined my self esteem. I felt like such a loser for not being able to finish. I could not for the life of me understand why I couldn’t get myself out of bed and go. Why would I cry at the thought of having to walk through those doors? I knew I had to, but I physically couldn’t after a certain point. So after beauty school I just kept working a shit-ton. I got a retail management job that I was at for a couple of years. I liked it well enough. Management was fun and I was good at it. The day I put in my two weeks notice I walked into the back to put my stuff away and my store manager and district manager were there with balloons ready to surprise me with the good news that I was being promoted. That was a pretty awkward conversation to have needless to say lmao. And to be honest I only left because I wasn’t making anywhere near enough money.

 The job I left for is where I met my favorite person alive, my sweet husband. We were in the same department and we started talking when I was new and had no clue what I was doing. He would help me out when I needed it but was too stubborn to ask. We would stand around and talk when there wasn’t much work to be done. I could tell he was really kind and funny, so one day I just decided I didn’t want to stop talking to him. I offered him a ride home that morning (we worked overnight). We went to a park to watch the sun rise and we literally haven’t spent a day apart since. He’s truly the loveliest person I’ve ever known. I can confidently say our relationship is the only good thing that came out of my first couple of years of adulthood.

This job is where I hurt my back, Christmas 2019. I was working 7 days a week 12 hr shifts and I was fuuuckkinggg exhausted. I lifted something wrong and that was that. My back hasn't been the same since. I’ve gone to chiropractors and nothing helps. I can’t even do the dishwasher without having to take a break. So obviously I had to stop working there. I lasted until august 2020 though! I used a back brace and took lots of days off lol. At the end I just could not do it anymore. My last shift I spent the last three hours of  my shift crying in pain and taking breaks to sit every 5 minutes. I walked out the second my shift was over and never went back in. I felt like I was ripping my body apart. My now husband, then fiance, and I decided that I should look for something to let me sit. I did that. It sucked. Depression and anxiety got the best of me once again and I stopped going. I don't know what happens to my brain but it feels like it starts to attack me with words, fears and feelings of despair. I shut right the fuck down. I’m not strong enough to push through. And I don’t think that I have to be that strong. Once I had enough break downs about being too scared to leave the house my husband and I decided I would stay home as long as it takes me to get better, physically and mentally. I love him so much for being on board and understanding that I needed a break. 

It’s been a couple of months now and I’ve had a lot of time to try and connect the dots in this pattern of my life. I think that I spent a really long time fully convinced that being a housewife in this day and age was out of the question. Deep down I knew it was the only thing I could ever picture doing and being happy with. I loved organization, lists, cleaning, and cooking. Growing up I always felt really good about myself when I cleaned and organized my room. I would sit around and day dream about what my home would look like and how I would decorate it. But none of that mattered when I was being told that I should aspire to do a job and love it enough to do it until I’m in my 60s. Like what? I don’t love anything enough, besides my family, to do it for decades of my life. When I finally admitted to myself that taking care of a home and a family is truly what I aspire to do, the thing that feels like it gives my life meaning, I felt a sense of relief, and then quickly after, some anxiety. I started to get scared of what people would think of me. I know that there are a lot of feminists out there that actually understand the ideal of feminism. They would never down a woman that is doing exactly what she wants (as long as she isn’t hurting anyone). But on the other hand I have encountered so many people, men and women that are really nasty about women that are or aspire to be housewives. So many of the people I grew up with joked about people they didn’t like ending up bored housewives. I know I shouldn’t have but I laughed along. Knowing deep down in a locked away place, it was the only thing I pictured myself doing. I just don’t see what’s wrong with homemaking if that’s what you truly want. 

Finally, I’ve come to realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of doing exactly what I want to do. It works for my husband and I, and that’s the only thing I should truly care about. I picked the side of things that felt like home. Like they fit. The part that brings me satisfaction, joy, and the space to move at my own pace.

[tessxomarie]

Saving You - Part III

*Hello loves! This is Part III, we get to meet Kendra and read a little bit into more of Leah’s backstory. Bear with me here, I promise all of the details mentioned have meaning in future parts! For now, enjoy!*

A few hours pass by since I left the clubhouse. As soon as I got home, I showered and changed into a pair of old raggedy pajama shorts and an old Chicago Cubs t-shirt. Chicago is where I’m originally from, at least that’s where I was born and raised until I was 5.

I hear a knock at my door, and sure enough it’s my girl Kenz.

I open the door and let her in and give her a weird look as she has a key to my place.

“My hands are full, I couldn’t reach for my key.” She says laughing, and then I look down and see she has a million bags.

“What the hell did you bring?” I ask eagerly as she passes by me and into my home.

She plops one bag on the couch and takes everything else into the kitchen. “Well, my overnight bag for one because I plan on getting wine drunk and I ain’t going anywhere. Secondly, I had to stop and get our favorite men – Ben & Jerry, and I also picked up some stuff to make tacos, because you know I’m Mexican and I can make tacos in my sleep.” She explains as she places all of the items on my kitchen table.

I cannot stop laughing because Kendra always makes me laugh. It’s just her personality, she rarely takes anything seriously. She is the literal definition of zero fucks given, but the girl demands respect. She was one of my first friends I made in nursing school. Actually, she was my only friend I had made at that point, and by the grace of God we were able to come up through the ranks together. Kendra has been my side through a lot of shit. She’s had her fair share of family shit and guy drama, but she’s always been there for me – no questions asked.

“I was just going to order us a pizza.” I say, staring in awe at the groceries she has brought over.

“Well, think of it this way – you save some money on food tonight and you can repay me by holding my hair back when I hug the toilet later.”

“That’s fair.” I reply, and we shake on it.

Kendra takes over my kitchen as she preps the tacos, and I assist. We have our usual girl talk banter, because even at 26, we still act like teenagers.

“So, did you go to the club today?” She asks.

“Yup. They called before I was even walking out of the clinic.” I say as I dice up some onions.

“EZ and Angel?” She asks without missing a beat.

“EZ and Angel.” I repeat and nod.

Kendra, although she has no direct blood ties to the club, she is still clued in on myconnections – she knows everything, it was part of the deal Marcus and I worked out.

“Who started it this time?” She asks as she seasons the meat in the pan.

“I honestly don’t even know, EZ had a nasty cut on his face but Angel took a nasty beating as well.”

Kendra just rolls her eyes as she knows how immature this whole ordeal is.

“Did Angel thank you this time?” She asks even though she already knows the answer to that. I stop dicing the onions and stare at her with my “really?” face.

She puts her hands up and says “You know, I was kinda hoping for a miracle. You’d think after cleaning up his messes for the fourth time in a month, a ‘thank you’ would accidentally escape his lips as if he truly is thankful for someone who gives a damn.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh, “I’m just doing my job because it’s what I do for the club. They save my ass when I need them too, and I save theirs.” I say pouring all the veggies together in one big mixing bowl.

“When have they had to save your ass, Lee?” Kendra asks with a quirked brow.

Before I can even respond, she answers for me “exactly, they haven’t. You’ve held up your end of the deal, the least Angel can do is fucking say thank you – he’s such an asshole.”

One would think that after all of the disrespect Angel has thrown my way these last eight months, I wouldn’t give him a thought after I fix him up. It’s hard to explain, but he’s like a puzzle to me and I highly dislike how I cannot figure it out. He doesn’t go out of his way to bully me or anything, it’s nothing like that. It’s just, he doesn’t really care to acknowledge my existence whenever I’m around, and he’s the only member to do so.

Kendra lets out a chuckle, “Okay enough MC talk, let’s eat like the hangry fat girls we are.”

We end up laughing most of the night, stuffing our faces with tacos and wine, oh and catching up on some trash tv.

“How does someone let a so-called doctor inject cement into their face?!” I exclaim and look at Kendra with a major what the royal fuck face as we watch an episode of Botched on E!

“It’s like a nasty car wreck out on the 405, I don’t want to look but I can’t stop staring. Look at their cheeks, like legit cement is in there. How? Why? But like seriously why are we watching this? Isn’t there some cheesy romcom we can watch?” Kendra suggests as she snatches the remote from my hand.

“Bad Moms, perfect.” She says as she tosses the remote on the other side of my sectional.

I take another sip of my wine and tilt my head back, simply enjoying this moment – a quiet night in with my best friend.

“We’re going to be cool moms like these bitches. Right?” Kendra asks as she takes a bite out of a cookie that came out of nowhere.

“Cool moms are the only options, babe.” I answer, and we clink our glasses.

“I know you and I both got shit on in the mom department, but I really don’t want that to hang over our heads when we have kids. Like, if I see you slipping up, I will go full hoodrat Kendra on you.” She announces, and let me just say, hoodrat Kendra is a real thing.

“I promise, I’m not going to be like Briana. I can’t be. Also, if I see you being a shit mom, I’ll first smack you into next week, and if you don’t respond to that, I’ll just use my 1-800-MC card.” I say with a big smirk.

“You chicken shit, you rather call Marcus or Samcro than kick my ass?”

“Kenz, we all know you could kick my ass twice and your own ass at the same time.” I admit, and that’s the full on truth. I’ve seen Kendra scrap before, and I think everyone around Kenz should want her to be on their team.

“I’m so glad you know the true me, it will only continue to benefit you my young one.” Kendra tells me as she reaches out and touches my shoulder in a gentle way but it’s with full sarcasm.

“Okay real talk, what is the weekend plan Aleeah Starr?” Kendra asks while opening up her calendar app on her phone.

“Middle name? Really?” I say with a look, my look of ‘was that necessary?’

“Hoodrat Kenz can come out to play if you’d like.” She replies with a smile.

I laugh and eye roll, “Okay then, Kendra Sofia…” I say to her with an evil eye as I open up my calendar.

“Hmm, I’m off this weekend, all I have going on is Tessa’s birthday party on Sunday. Would you like to come?” I ask.

“Eva already called me and said she’ll see me Sunday.” Kendra says with a nervous expression on her face.

I give her a funny look, questioning why she looks like that.

“Aside from my Abuela Natalia, Eva fucking terrifies me – you just don’t say no to her.” She says deadpan.

I laugh, “A-freaking-men”.

Eva, she’s a true bad-ass. She and Marcus, I think they’re still married? They’ve spent more time apart than together in recent years, but they both love each other tremendously.

“Okay, so Sunday we can drive up together. Do you want to drive together tomorrow and go visit your dad?” Kendra asks.

I let out a big sigh, and I give her another look as Kendra knows my feelings about this subject.

“Why do you ask me this every weekend?” I plead.

“Lee, he’s still your dad. Prison jumpsuit and all, he’s still your dad and he still loves you.”

“I haven’t seen him in a while.” I confess.

Kendra nods, “I know, that’s why I asked if you want to go.”

“I don’t know Kenz, I just feel the older I get and the longer he’s in there, that Father/Daughter connection dies each day. He doesn’t even want to see me half the time.”

“He just hates the situation he’s in, babes. He got a shit deal, but we both know you’re still the light of his life.”

I rub my eyes, trying to keep it together yet again.

“I just don’t know how I would feel going up there now, especially when I’ve dealt with so much shit from the club. I don’t need anyone on the inside seeing me talk to my cop father turned inmate. That’s just asking for me to get someone killed or get myself killed.”

“Aleeah Starr Parker.” Kendra says with her eyes rolling, and I am deeply confused.

“What?”

“Are you so exhausted that you forgot who is even protecting your dad?” Kendra asks, and I palm my face.

“No, I didn’t forget…well maybe for a second.” I admit.

“Lorenzo has Jesse’s back, okay? Our dads are prison buds! How poetic is that?” She says as she pulls me in for a cheesy hug.

I give off a look of disgust, because Kendra is never this touchy feely. But my facial expression does not stop Kenz from continuing on.

“Oh, stop that, give your best friend a hug and smile. Hell, could you even bother to laugh? Come on, if we can’t laugh that our fathers are both in prison, our moms are both dead due to their stupid choices, we would be miserable unsuccessful sluts working on a pole for a living.”

Kendra has a big grin on her face, and she keeps giving me the famous Kendra look – the one where it always makes me smile because she knows how to make me smile; that’s what a best friend is for.

I do end up laughing, quite a bit.

“Thanks for making me laugh, I needed it.” I say looking at Kendra with a puppy dog face, because I am on the verge of tears – it’s been a chaotic week, ending it with the cherry on top that is the Mayans MC. And wine always has me feeling some type of way.

“My little Lee-Lee, come here, give me another hug.” Kendra says as she pulls me in for a hug.

“Okay, time to refill. We are finishing this second bottle and then we are going to sleep like precious babies.” She says as she stands up from the couch and heads to my kitchen.

As Kendra heads to the kitchen, I look down at my wrist and I start snapping my pony-tail holder. It takes me a moment to realize what I’ve even doing or why I’m doing it.

“Breathe, Leah. Just breathe.” I whisper to myself.

“I’ll be okay, just breathe.”

[slutforemunson]

Lotto - Chapter 9 (EXO - Mafia!AU)

A/N: I know that I said that I wouldn't write until the summer vacation but I got bored so... lmao here is a new chapter.

Words: 1841

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Your P.O.V.

After days of exercising with Taeyeon and eating yogurt for breakfast, it was time. Tomorrow I will be picked up by a van, just like the other girls. The van will bring us to The Black Pearl. It was almost time to get ready for bed but Miss Ha Jiwon asked me to come to her office. I headed to her office and knocked on the door. 'Come in.' Ji-Won said and I entered. Her office wasn't really that big but it was clean. The only things she had in her office was a desk with some papers and her laptop on top of it, a closet with a few books on the shelves and one painting on the wall. I bowed before she told me to sit down. She began to talk the second I sat down. 'You must be wondering why I asked you to come down here. So let's cut to the chase. Tomorrow, as you already know, will be your first day at The Black Pearl and I'm gonna tell you some things you must know about the place.' I nodded and she continued. 'First of all, The Black Pearl is known for its concept 'Lotto' which will be held two times a week. This means that a few important guys will buy a ticket and they'll get a girl for the night.' she explained. 'So, if I get this right, this is some kind of lottery and we're the price.' I said with disbelief. 'Yes, and next time don't interrupt me unless I allow you to ask questions or there will be consequences.' she said with a harsh tone and then she continued with a bit of a fake smile 'So let's continue. Secondly, they'll sort you into a group. You'll perform with your group on stage to entertain guests. And last but not least, as long as it isn't rape or physical abuse you shall not complain to your buyer.' she said as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Fuck this apparently, I'm someones fucking property. I nodded with a straight face although I had a huge urge to roll my eyes. 'They'll pick you up 9 o'clock in the morning so be ready by then. That's all, you can go.' she said and I went back to our room.

'What did she say?' Jennie asked from her bed, already in her pajama's. 'She told me some things I needed to know about The Black Pearl.' They all nodded and waited for me to continue. 'She told me that I had to join a group, do you guys know more about that?' Lisa nodded excitedly. 'This is actually the only thing that I like about my job.' she said. 'Our brothel has three groups. Jennie, Chaeyoung, Jisoo and I are in a group called Blackpink and we perform every Wednesday.' she explained and Taeyeon chimed into our conversation. 'Tiffany, Seohyun, Hyoyeon and I form a group called SNSD. We perform every Thursday.' And lastly, Mina said 'Sana, Momo and I form a group called Twice and we perform every Friday.' I nodded. 'And what kind of things do you perform?' I asked curiously. I mean I can dance since I have experience since I started following lessons since I was 16. 'We mostly perform our own choreography's and sometimes we sing. We're actually working on a choreography on Partition.' Jennie explained. 'Where do you get to practice?' I asked because I can understand that this room is a bit too small because of all the beds. 'Sometimes here but we usually practice in a practice room at The Black Pearl. Kai, Suho, and Sehun have to approve of our dances before we get to perform them.' Momo explained. 'You can come along with us sometimes if you would like that.' Hyoyeon offered kindly. 'I would like that. Do they get to decide in which group I get sorted or do I get to decide?' I asked. Stupid question of course. They'll probably sort me in a group since I'm just a property anyway. 'You'll join a group of your own brothel. They'll decide in what group you fit the most.' Lisa explained. 'You'll have to practice at least two times with each group so they can decide properly.' she continued. 'Okay, I get it.' I nodded with a small smile. 'We should get to bed so we won't be tired tomorrow.' Mina said and headed to her bed. I changed into my pajamas and Seohyun turned off the lights. 'Good night.'

- The Next Morning -

Taeyeon woke me up early in the morning so we could take a run before work. A nauseous feeling started to form in my stomach. I still can't believe how my life changed so much overnight, just because I witnessed something which wasn't something for my eyes to see. I was aware that the gangs were taking over but I never thought that I would be a part of it. I wonder if my friends are looking for me? If they care... My phone was taken from me when I was kidnapped. So I can't be reached. Taeyeon snapped her fingers in front of my face, which pulled me out of my train of thoughts. 'Oh sorry, did you say something?' I asked a bit embarrassed since I ignored her. 'I asked if you were ready to go.' she said giggling at my embarrassment. 'We'll eat when we're back otherwise we won't make it on time.' she said while tying her shoes. We took a run around the park nearby. It was so quiet and calm that it gave me the time to sort out my thoughts.

When we returned everyone was either eating their breakfast or cleaning their bowl. 'I made two bowls of yogurt for you. I figured you two hadn't had breakfast yet.' Tiffany said and gestured to two bowls on the counter. 'Thanks Tif.' Taeyeon said and grabbed one bowl from the counter. After we ate, we got ready for work. 'You can lend a pair of jogging pants and a t-shirt from me since we haven't had the yet to shop for you.' she said and handed me some clothes. 'Thank you.' I smiled and got ready. When I was done, I had a bit of time left until we had to go. I laid down on my bed. I noticed that the mattress sank down at the foot end. I looked up and saw that it was Sana. 'I understand that you're nervous. So was I on my first day, but you should know that we girls are always there for each other.' she said with a reassuring smile. 'Thanks, Sana. I appreciate it.' I said. The door opened, and Ji-Won said that the van had arrived. We all exited the room and went outside. Kai was leaning against the van, while he was chatting with Ji-Won. Obviously flirting with her. I'm starting to think that that's a natural habit of him. He broke eye contact with her to smirk at me. He must've heard something about the thing what happened between Jungkook and Chanyeol. I looked away from him and followed the rest into the van.

It surprised me how many people could fit in the van. We still sat very close to each other though. What is personal space anyway? Sehun sat in the passenger seat and made eye contact with me through his sun visor. Why is everyone so interested in me? I'm nobody... I'm just the new girl at the brothel. We arrived and one by one we got out of the van. We entered the club through the backdoor. 'We're going to practice our dance. You can come along if you want.' Jisoo offered. I nodded and followed her. Kai and Sehun were already inside the practice room when we came in. They eyed me up and down. I felt naked and wanted to cover myself up even though I was fully dressed. 'Can Y/N practice with us?' Lisa asked them. 'Of course. I want to see how she can move her body.' Kai said smirking and Sehun nodded chuckling. 'Have you some experience with dancing?' Lisa asked me. 'Yeah, a couple years of experience.' I answered proudly. I want to show these bastards that I can indeed move my body. 'Just observe us first and then try to dance along.' Lisa explained smiling. Rosé started the music and their bodies moved to the music. The choreography didn't seem too hard so I'll be able to pick it up quickly. After a few minutes, they finished the choreography and Kai and Sehun whistled playfully. Jennie rolled her eyes while smiling. 'So you think you could learn that in a short time?' Rosé asked. 'I can try.' We went through the dance until I managed to do it. The music poured out of the boxes again and started to dance.

A lot of time passed until it was time for a break. 'You'll take a small break to gain some energy by eating.' Sehun said. So they treat us like human beings after all. We were all allowed one slice of bread with a slice of low-fat cheese. After the break, Hyoyeon approached me. 'Kai and Sehun would like you to practice with us.' she said. 'Just let me tell the others.' I said and went to Lisa. 'Hey, Hyoyeon just asked me to practice with them.' I said. 'Okay, that's alright. I'll see you when it's time to get ready for Lotto.' she said and went back to their practice room. I almost had forgotten about Lotto. I felt my chest tighten. Seohyun approached me and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. 'Hey, you okay, you seem a bit out of it.' she stated a bit concerned. 'I'm just nervous, that's all.' she nodded understanding. 'I get that. It's normal to be nervous for your first night.' she smiled sadly at me. 'Follow me, we're starting our practice any minute now.' she said and I followed her. Kai and Sehun were talking to each other until we entered the room. Just like with Blackpink I observed their dance first and then practiced with them. This was a more girly choreography while the choreography of Blackpink was more seductive. I practiced with SNSD until it was time to get ready. I headed with SNSD to the dressing room which was filled with lots of outfits. From lingerie to skimpy dresses and skirts. A woman entered the room and we all turned our attention to her. We bowed to greet her. 'Good evening ladies. I'm here to tell you who will participate in Lotto tonight.' she began. I looked around and noticed some other girls. 'Tonight, Jennie, Momo, Tiffany, Sana, Minzy and Y/N will participate to Lotto.

Previous Chapter - New Chapter

[tenroseforeverandever]

Dear Father Christmas... Chapter 9:December 24, 2024

MASTERPOST

Characters:  Tentoo; Rose Tyler; Jackie Tyler; Pete Tyler; Tony Tyler; OC Hope Tyler-Noble; OC Charlotte Tyler-Noble; OC Wilfred Tyler-Noble

Rated: Teen

Tags: Family!Fic; Kid!Fic; Pete’s World; Letters to Santa; Christmas Fic; Family; Fluff; Hurt/Comfort; Angst; Romance; Love

Summary: When Rose Tyler was little, she always wrote a Christmas wish list to Father Christmas. As she grew older, the wish list became more of a letter to someone she could confide in once a year, but she fell out of the habit somewhere along the way. Now, as a new mum, celebrating her daughter’s first Christmas, Rose takes up writing her Christmas letter to Father Christmas once again.

Rose’s Christmas letters are excerpts from her life with her beloved Tentoo and their children in Pete’s World, written once a year, for each of 31 years.

Chapter Summary: Rose and the Doctor have been planning to spend a romantic Christmas Eve alone, but Rose gets cold feet about the outfit she’s chosen to wear.

Notes: The scene depicted in this fic, was based on a scene I created for a drabble, a couple of Christmases ago, Untitled (16). Strangely enough, the prompt for that fic was also shiver!

Much love to my wonderful betas, @rose–nebula and mrsbertucci. The hive mind is a great thing, and I appreciate their friendship and creativity, even when the result is the phrase “Slitheen of Solice: Exchanging Gas across the cosmos.” Please don’t ask�� I’m not sure I could give you a sensible answer!

Thanks to @doctorroseprompts for their 31 Days of Ficmas prompts. A reminder that I am using the prompts very much out of order, but I intend to use them all. The prompt I used today was Shiver.

Also read at: AO3; FF.net; Teaspoon

December 24th, 2024

Dear Father Christmas,

It seems like forever since the Doctor and I had a romantic evening all to ourselves. And I don’t mean a night out on the town, or a romantic vacation; I mean eating in and snuggling under a cozy blanket, just the two of us. It’s been years!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my children, but sometimes I miss the privacy we used to have when it was just us; when we used to have sex wherever we pleased, whenever the mood took us. And it took us a lot: on the kitchen table; leaning over his desk; in the shower; on the way up the stairs; in front of the fire; and on the terrace, under the stars. Basically, anywhere and everywhere.

(Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Sorry, Santa, you must be wanting to bleach your eyes out after reading that! Talk about TMI! I wasn’t even thinking. Just pass this letter over to Mrs. Claus, if you don’t want to read it, because it’s a long story, and more likely than not the content rating going to go up. But I’m thinking she might be able to relate...) 

Anyway, those days of… erm… uninhibited sex are long gone. And we’ve gained so much more in return, but it’d be nice to just share an evening with my husband once in a while.

I’ve wanted to do something special for him for Christmas for ages. Something sexy. I’ve been back to intensive training at Torchwood, since I’m preparing to return to my position as Field Commander, so I think I’m looking a bit of all right… well better than before. I even bought some special sexy, Santa-themed Christmas lingerie to wear. Hey, Mrs. Claus, I bet you would look great in it! It’s all scarlet velvet, with faux fur trim. The bottom is a (very) mini-skirt, and the top is a (very) skimpy bra. I can hardly wait to put it on and surprise the Doctor!

But I’ll have to wait a bit longer. He’s getting the kids and Snowflake ready to spend the night at Mum and Dad’s, packing their overnight bags and loading all our presents into the TARDIS to take over there tonight, so we don’t have to worry about all that tomorrow morning. We’ll be lucky if we make it over in time for breakfast as it is, I imagine. Though Mum might have our heads if we miss that. The kids’ll be just itching to open their gifts, and she’ll be hard pressed to keep them at bay by the time breakfast is cleared away. She won’t want to be waiting on us.

As for tonight, I have supper keeping warm on the stove. Nothing complicated: just some soup (pumpkin chestnut, yum!) and some warm, fresh bread. It can stay there for just as long as it needs to...

I’ll be back to finish my letter to you later, Santa. I have to say goodnight to my little angels.

--ooOoo--

Santa, I don’t know what I thought I was doing. I mean look at me. One look at this and the Doctor’s gonna run. It looked cute on the model in the picture, and it all kinda fits, but I’ve got the muffin-top spilling over the top of the skirt, and back fat under the bra. And my tummy’s all still a bit saggy and wrinkly from losing weight. That, and it’s bloody cold tonight. The snow is practically battering down the windows. And, I have to say, these hot little scraps of scarlet velvet are doing nothing to keep me warm, even with the faux fur trim. Maybe I should just call this off, after all. It was a dumb idea anyway. Dressing up in stupid Santa lingerie as a gift for my husband. Some gift, I am.

Decision made. The kit’s coming off. I’ll be better off in my dressing gown: not so much of me for him to see. Which is just as well.  

Oh, God, he’ll be back soon, though Mum knows to keep him busy for a bit. Still, I better get the fire going, and put on some romantic Christmas tunes. At least we can enjoy that.

--ooOoo--

Santa, I changed my mind back again. When I saw myself in the mirror in my dressing gown, I realized I don’t look half as bad as I thought at first. My legs look great, and my hair is really pretty right now. I’ve grown out all of the blonde, and I’m back to my natural colour: turns out it’s a nice, soft brown. And I’ve styled it really nicely, with long curls. And I did a killer job on my make-up.

So I’m back dressed (or undressed!) in the Santa get-up. My boobs look amazing, practically spilling out of the bra (thank-you children for giving me these!); and I found out if I pull the skirt a little lower on my hips, the muffin-top isn’t nearly so bad. Not much I can do about my saggy tummy, but on the plus side, there’s less tummy overall than there was even a week ago.

But blimey, it’s cold. I just had a shiver run all the way down my spine. I’ll have to hurry and set myself up under the tree, by the fire. That’ll keep me a bit warmer, and hopefully when the Doctor gets home, we’ll be making some of our own heat soon enough!

I’ll drop back later and let you know how it goes! Not that you want all the details, but…

Bugger! I nearly forgot the Santa hat. There. Hair fixed. (Lookin’ good, Tyler!)

--ooOoo--

Oh. My. God!

Santa, I just came up to grab us our jimjams so we can eat supper and snuggle in front of the telly and perhaps watch some rubbish Christmas programs, but I just have to tell you what happened! There I was, reclining under the tree, trying to look casual and sexy. It seemed like forever I was waiting for him to get home and I thought I was either going to combust with anticipation, or freeze solid with the cold.

So the Doctor finally comes back. Parks the TARDIS right in the living room, and bursts straight out the doors. I was feeling so shy about my get-up, I could barely look at him. Somehow I managed to squeak out something inane, in what I hoped was a suggestive tone, and the next thing I know, he’s practically prowling toward me. Never mind the cold; the look in his eyes is what really made me shiver! It’s only then I realize what he’s wearing: nothing but some scarlet velvet boxers and a Santa hat that matched my kit perfectly. The best bit was the front pouch of the boxers: it was all sequined in candy cane stripes and had a faux fur pompom right on the top of his very impressive hard-on. It was the fucking sexiest thing I’ve seen in a long time! And he did it all for me!

And guess what? He said the same thing about me and my get-up!

Though, to be perfectly honest, the clothes didn’t actually stay on for very long...

Santa, I hope your Christmas is as merry and bright as my Christmas Eve has been. Please give my love to everyone! Gotta run. The Doctor’s waiting for me and, to be honest, I’ve worked up a bit of an appetite!

Love, Rose

[loxoanimelover]

Market Meet Up

She thought it was going to be just one of those days where she just goes to work and get off when its time. Just one day she wanted a normal and calm day at work with everything running smoothly and her coworkers actually doing their job. But sometimes she forgets who she’s working for and who she’s working with. Oh, who was she kidding she could never forget who she was working with. They spend almost every waking hour with each other from school, to work and even on the weekends if he wasn’t out with his friends cause, you know, they are cousins.

But once, just for once, on a calm Wednesday afternoon in the small market she worked at, she wanted the hours to go by smoothly and quiet so she could be able to study and not be annoyed when a customer needed her help. But someone had another plan.

As soon as the music started she could feel her anger slowly rise at the familiar beat and tune of the song. She ignored the giggle beside her and the sound of fabric rubbing against each other of her cousin jacket as he did the stupid dance that went along with the song. But as soon as the first verse of the song began she felt the small twitch in her face and the on coming headache especially when her cousin started singing along with the song.

“Li'l Kodak they don’t like to see you winnin’ they wanna see you in the penitentiary.”

She sighed.

“I need me a li'l baby who gon’ listen girl I don’t wanna be the one you iggin’.”

“NARUTO! TURN THAT SHIT OFF!”

Startled by his cousin Naruto jumped to turn the music off only to accidentally change the music to something else.

“Oshiete yo shiete yo sono shikumi wo-”

Karin shook her head as she turned to look at her cousin who laughed with a sheepish smile apologizing. Sakura next to her holding her side as she leaned against the counter laughing as not only Naruto jumping to turn the music off but also knocking over a stack of magazines which fell in a bucket of old mop water that was left behind from the shift before them.

Kiba, probably.

“Sorry Karin.”

“It wouldn’t be a normal day without Naruto setting the mood. By the way, when will my new employee arrive?”

New employee?

“I’m surprised you hired anyone Naruto recommend after the Kiba and Lee incident, Kakashi.”

Karin found it pretty weird that their boss had no problem with them calling him by his first name. In fact when she was hired he insisted that she and the others call him by his first name but she made it a habit to call him by his last.

“Who did you get him to hire this time?” She asked the blond whose attention was already set on her and he was smiling.

“What?”

“Sasuke.”

“What??”

“Sasuke? He’s coming back? When?” Sakura asked surprised she haven’t heard that name in almost three years.

“Today. His first day he wanted the same shift as me. Since is strange y'know since I’m so-”

“Who’s Sasuke?” Karin asked interrupting Naruto sentence.

She only lives in Konoha for about four years and knew her cousin since they were babies but never heard of him talk about anyone nam- oh wait..

“Uchiha?” She asked and knew she was right when her cousin nodded with a bright smile like he was happy that she remembered. She was a little thrown off that she had forgotten since she only seen Naruto video chat with him once and he wasn’t exactly unattractive. If anything he was hot and she seen a picture of him with Naruto when they were twelve and even at that age he was cute.

…. Is that weird to say?

“Yeah! You remembered him.”

“Good. Which means you can all fill me in on what to know about our new employee.”

“If he’s still like he was before when we were in grade school he’s the opposite of Naruto.” Sakura smiled.

“He’s cursed I tell you. Cursed! Who do you know doesn’t like ramen but loves tomatoes? As their favorite food at that!”

“Anyone whose favorite color isn’t orange.” Karin mumbled knowing that her cousin heard her who frowned.

“Orange is a great color.”

“Its bright.”

“Like me.” Karin shook her head at Naruto but nonetheless agreed. He was as bright as the sun, his favorite color should be yellow.

As Naruto filled in their boss what it was like being around an Uchiha, Karin helped with few customers they had coming in and out time to time Sakura would come along if it was just one too many after listening to what Naruto had to say about their new coworker.

It was when she was putting up the new items the store had received last night that first shift avoided to put up when she felt a presence walk up behind her and clashed into someone chest when she turned to give them her full attention.

“Sorry.” She stated as she fixed her glasses that was almost knocked off her face. She didn’t know that the customer was so close by if she did she wouldn’t have knocked into them so hard.

“Can I help… you..”

Where do I know him from?

Coal eyes clashed with red ones as she stared at him trying to figure out where she know him from.

“Is Naruto here?” He asked, a small accent In his voice that she could identify.

That’s an Oto accent. Naruto know someone from- oh. Oh!

“Naruto? Naruto, right, Naruto. He wasn’t at the front waiting for you?”

With the way Sasuke looked down at her she took it as if he was uncertian about something but she really didn’t care. At this point she was trying to figure out where her idiot of a cousin disappeared off too and why?

“I’m taking it you know who I am?”

“Yeah. Are you surprised? I almost didn’t recognize you since we’ve only met once and that was through a screen.” She answered stepping around him to head to the front, hoping he took it to follow her, which he did.

“‘I’ve never would have imagine you to be tall. I thought you would have been Naruto height, y'know. Don’t take that as an insult.”

“You imagine about me?”

“No. Th-That’s not what I meant.”

“SASUKE.”

“There’s the idiot.” Karin watched as her cousin waved at them but more specifically to his friend who returned home. Shaking her head she spotted something on the shelf.. Not just something a box, something that belonged in the back with a note that stated ‘Put this back for me -Kiba’

“That damn dog. Go on ahead. Unlike him there are things to do.”

“Sasuke, your here, finally. What took you so long?” Naruto asked as he stood in front of his friend while she went over to finish Kiba work.

“You remember my cousin right. Karin she moved here soon after you left. It was her birthday when you seen her. She wore the short sho-”

“Naruto, chill.”

“Right, sorry.”

“Your cousin? Uzumaki?”

“What gave it away? The hair?”

“Sasuke always said my mom hair reminded him of a tomato. What do you think about Karin?”

“Don’t bring me up as a topic, Naruto.” Karin frowned turning to look at her cousin to tell him to get to work she caught sight of Sasuke scanning her over before he looked her in the eye. She raised an eyebrow in question but before she could ask he smirk.

“Not bad.”

What…the fuck.

“Right. Told you. Its in the genes.” Naruto spoke cockly as he threw an arm around his cousin shoulders.

“What a shame. It skipped you.” Sakura showed greeting Sasuke and patted Naruto on the head when he pouted at Sakura comment. Karin on the other hand stood watching Sasuke as he talked to both Naruto and Sakura.

Not bad?

——————————————————————– I got lazy and tired of writing. I wrote this overnight cause I was bored.

[itsjayyyy]

September 18, 2018 4:53 pm

wow since it’s been a few days since an update, I had a lot of things to open this entry with, but of course only one topic can be the first i talk about. so, the most recent one: I was just laying in bed thinking about how I need to study for my bio exam tomorrow and also complete the next two modules for econ, but then I realized it’s tuesday and econ hw is due monday nights, and freaked out. I literally went through all five stages of grief, before I was like “it’s okay, it’s only the homework, the exam will pull my grade up” and opened my laptop to start reading for bio. but then I checked econ and apparently because there’s an exam this week, there wasn’t any homework due so HOLLA.

so this past weekend has been annoying, as always. I was at ioa for friday, but we only had three workers total (we normally have 6) for closing, so it was hell trying to close on time. and then saturday I went to usf, which is always hell. not to mention, hhn started so we had to spend an hour cleaning so the night crew would be set. and at the end of my shift, the usf manager has the nerve to say to me that she wants me to pick up some shifts this week. I tell her that I have four exams, and I’ll have to check my schedule, but she says “oh but your availability says you’re free after 4 on tuesdays, thursdays, and fridays” what the fuck!!!!!! don’t go looking at my availability when I’m not your employee!!!!!!! so I kept saying I had to study, I had to see, two of my exams are online, etc and she kept pushing for me to at least take shifts on friday afternoon and saturday, since I should be done with exams by then. I took the saturday shift because by this point my shift ended a minute ago and I wanted to leave, and told her I’d call her to let her know if I can take friday (I won’t.) SO SUNDAY I walk in to ioa (home sweet home), and we have a new coworker!!! And by new I mean he used to work at usf but transferred here permanently. What. “Oh jay we send you to usf because they’re understaffed and we’re overstaffed.” Okay. So I tell my manager that they’re stupid for accepting MORE workers when we have that issue, and she has the audacity to say to my face “oh it’s more than that, he didn’t like it at usf” as if I haven’t spent the last two months telling both ioa and usf managers that I hate usf. Okay. So Sunday, when I next work at ioa, I’m going to speak to my highest manager and tell her that she either tells the scheduler that I am not to work at usf again, or I quit. I have enough money in my savings account to last me a while.

wow. rose deadass drank 6 apple juice boxes out of the 8-pack we had. this bitch clearly doesn’t care if I starve huh.

so yesterday I met up with heather after class in the student union. did I mention how much I love cafe bustelo? I really love it. a good cafe con leche really warms me up. we talked for a while, then I walked her to class. In our conversation, our birthdays came up at some point (I think I said something along the lines of “you didn’t get me anything for my birthday this year! and she said “you didn’t get me anything either!”) and I was like “I bet you don’t even know my birthday” and she said april 22nd. and then later she was like yea well I bet you don’t know mine and i immediately said march 19, so she said she’d buy me starbucks today to make up for it.

today’s morning was really gr8 and also really un-gr8. like, I woke up at 7 thinking I had to leave the house at 8:30 for my ortho appt, and laid in bed for a while before finally getting up and showering. but when I stepped out of the shower and saw the time was 8, I realized that I didn’t leave the house at 8:30, my appointment was at 8:30. cue getting dressed while still partially damp, forgetting heather’s gov’t textbook, and going 75 in a 45 zone. I thank the gods daily that motorcycles don’t get red light tickets.

while driving down the main road leading to my university, I had this white car weaving between traffic. at one point he was behind me, but then when I slowed down in a turn he switched to the right, which ended up being right behind a campus shuttle (you know, the ones that drive 5 mph under the speed limit at all times and you can barely see around. and they’re diesel, ugh!). as he saw me speed up at the end of the curve, he switched back to behind me and sped up too, but as soon as I reached level with the front of the shuttle (and the pickup on the other side of me), I slammed on my brakes so he couldn’t try to go around. Definitely risked getting run the fuck over, but it was so worth it seeing the look of frustration on his face.

I got nearly instant karma, though, because he entered the university through the first turn, when I went for the second a little ways up since it’s closer to my garage. but the traffic light was down, so I had to merge into one lane with everyone else, and then they wouldn’t even allow left turns because it’s too complex for the person directing traffic, so I had to make a right then a u-turn. But it was made up for by the fact that the trike that normally parks in my spot was probably also deterred by the traffic, and I got to claim my righteous spot.

so when I got on campus, I went to heather’s class, or rather, the building it was in since I couldn’t find room 106 exactly. I remembered that my annoying coworker said that her classes were in that building + the one next to it also on tuesdays, but I thought that there was no way I’d actually bump into her considering there are over 60,000 students and the buildings are pretty large, plus I didn’t know what time her classes are.

well, now I know that her class gets out at the same time + same building as heather. we walked towards the starbucks (which is near her next class), and I introduced her to heather, we talked about how it was to work at universal, the sort. and then she was like “well I gotta go to class now, bye!” and i was like bye and smiled and when she was more than 20 feet away I turned to heather and said “that’s the coworker I told you that I hate.”

I love pumpkin spice season!!!!!!!! got a frappuccino tho, because it’s never truly fall in florida. heather got a mango dragonfruit refresher bc I recommended it to her, and it’s funny because the person ordering before us was also named heather and also ordered a mango dragonfruit. As a barista, that’s like my worst nightmare. Luckily they were able to tell it apart because the other heather got a grande. We sat in the starbucks for a while, I explained how weed is a lot more safe than cigarettes, talked about pine hills’ reputation, and how samantha’s mom is so damn disrespectful. This woman drove heather home one day when picking up samantha, and the whole ride was bragging about how samantha was going to be so successful because she’s majoring in some type of psychology and will be making over 90k a year. and then she turned the conversation to how teachers don’t make that much money, and she asks heather how she could do that, just take such a low-paying job. and lemme tell ya how MY GIRL HEATHER FUCKIN SNAPPED. she done said she tired of people saying teachers don’t make a lot of money yall. she said to samantha’s mom, “I don’t know how you’re looking down on my salary when you have three children from three different men with only a salary of $30k.” Y’ALL. the point that heather was trying to make the point that “people from working-class families act as if a salary less than 100k is unacceptable even for an unmarried, childless young adult despite working class families often having a household income of 50k while supporting children just fine,” but damn she really went there. goin off on this good catholic woman for having baby daddies. well samantha’s mom and samantha became very upset. and they told heather’s dad who would not leave her alone until she apologized. as in, he was banging on her door telling her she had to apologize. I said put headphones in and ignore it, she was like “girl you don’t understand haitian parents. my dad literally opened my door with a knife when I locked it.” so she had to apologize :/ but she also made it clear that she didn’t like the way samantha’s mom disrespected her. she tried to make it seem relatable, and be like, “oh what if i said that to your mom, wouldn’t you tell me to apologize” and I’m like???? no???? I would make my mom apologize for being disrespectful first the hell??? then I reminded her about how I literally lived on the streets for 3 weeks because my mom was disrespectful to me.

today after class I decided to take the city bus home, for 4 reasons: I wanted to stay humble and remember where I came from, I wanted time to be able to finish this book, not walking the last half-mile home every day this semester has caused some weight gain, and I really wanted to hold my parking spot against that damn trike, and it seems he comes too early in the morning for me, so I just left my bike there overnight. yea I’m petty.

The book was really good. It’s definitely a hard read, for sure. In the sense that it really will make you cry. At the end, it listed all of the school shooting victims since columbine, plus a small snippet about them (it was like 20 pages long). The one that really got me was an 8 year old, whose text read “shoot me first,” as he wanted to take a bullet so it wouldn’t be used against his classmates. Then, below that entry, a seven year old, who said “shoot me next.” Just typing that is making my eyes water again.

The walk home was super tiring. I’m super out of shape, it was hard for me to even imagine that I did this every single day the entire first semester of college. And I have to do it tomorrow morning again, ugh. Can you believe heather wakes up at 5:30 am???? I’m never seen out of bed before 7, and even then it’s only for things like appointments. But I guess I really should start waking up earlier, because whenever I get on campus around 8 I feel great because I have so much time to study and stuff. but that means I have to buy a coffee on campus, and I don’t know if I want to commit to that expense.

edit: so I originally posted this to my main, and when I saw that I copied it, then deleted it, then tried to paste it into a new post, but I guess I didn’t press ctrl hard enough because it didn’t copy. and I was about to cry bc this is close to 2k words, but then I realized I had a tab of my main open that still had the original post showing, so I copied from there.

[te-amo-ergo-amo]

How Did I Let This Happen.

Overall things started out great, things were just easy. It flowed like water and I had never felt this way about another person. I was deeply and fully in love. I cant lie, it was terrifying to open myself up to another person like that but it felt right and i trusted him with my life, my heart and my soul. Even throughout the years i can say without any doubt that there were some amazing times and I wouldn’t give them up for the world.I can’t say that it started recently or even immediately. It did start in short bursts soon after the beginning. 
Making fun of me to others- specifically other women that he dated or was “interested” in. 
Telling me i was overreacting or being too sensitive, responding and talking to me in condescending tones(which honestly he does to everyone,) and blaming me for pretty much everything. Then we got pregnant and financially we couldn’t do it- we made probably one of the hardest decisions in our lives to terminate. That was costly on all sides- it put me a bit deeper with my depression. It may have made him angrier… I’m not sure- I know he was sad but we haven’t really spoken of it. 
He made some promises to help me out while I heal- those were empty. I should have realized then but I was in love. I thought we were in love and honestly all of the good things far out weighed that. Actually I would still say the same thing now. However, at that point he just got meaner.
Everything is always things that I have done, or my issues that I can’t work out, I’m being ridiculous. That was January. A few months later he would have his first manic episode. That morning he had screamed in my face about getting in his way(he was staring at the iced tea mix) and shoved me and told me to get out and not come back. 
This is the first and last time he ever touched me as even I knew- something was very wrong. I stayed, he was in the hospital, then his parents house and then back home in what was pretty much a chemical straight jacket. It was awful and I haven’t a clue how it was for him but it was definitely and obviously worse. He had his moments but overall we could talk things out now as we made the decision that if we were getting defensive then we stop- if it’s important we would come back to it later. This actually worked out quite well most of the time for many years. I moved in. A few months later he proposed- something I was not entirely expecting but I was so in love and could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. It was one of the happiest days of my life. 
However, he started leaving the house randomly and after I had had enough and asked about it- “I’m out fucking prettier women” my heart sank. I figured this was just the ending part of his episode and he didn’t mean it and hopefully it would stop- hopefully he was using protection or maybe it wasn’t true at all. Then he stopped seeing his doctor and soon after stopped taking his meds. To where we go back to him talking inappropriately about me to others. He started getting annoyed with me often and so on. It was not entirely a fun time had by me.
He lost his job at the end of the year. Yet he was still making more than me with his unemployment which he found amusing. Kind of funny/kind of sad. I tried to make jokes about it as well but I felt like a failure- I mean I loooved my job but the pay was crap. I had some serious goals though through them and honestly speaking they would have been attainable. 
A few months later he had his second and so far last manic episode. He was committed and his last comment to me before going in after I agreed that he should stay and that I was sorry- “you’re gonna be sorry” 
Can’t say he was wrong.
Regardless, they found meds that worked for him and he found a great doctor. He never was into therapy as he “had nothing to say.” Then the sleeping around started going on again. Coming home smelling of other women, nail marks on his back… i cant even say that this time it may not have been real. Again, I stayed and said nothing- to any one. 
Things were kind of getting back to normal, he had some freelance work and that became reasonably steady for a while. We got married in July and honestly that was the best day of my life… minus our first kiss. Not sure how I failed to mention that one. That kiss was beyond amazing. It’s like the kiss that books and movies talk about. Where you feel like they are kissing you as though you are the only good thing in the world/ that you have all the good air. We share the same feeling about that kiss.
Damn though- I will always remember that, I would go back to that moment in time in a heartbeat. 
Things were good. We had our ups and downs like most. He was getting more depressed about not having full time work. The freelance was still coming though. We had great holidays and other memories fill in the rest of the times. Every once in a while he would have a moment where I would do something wrong and “just keep doing these things to set him off, didn’t I care what I was doing” and he started an online thing with someone I knew - and she was ok with it. He even started to make plans to go see her. I lost it. I gave him an ultimatum which isn’t something I would do but I did and it was over. 
We continued our life together he would have a moment every now and then but I either brushed it off or walked away and cried on my own. On occasion he would apologize yet somehow turn it around to make it me feel bad about it. Obviously I would forgive him. Love. 
We had a big wedding the year after for family and friends. It snowed and he was by far the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. My husband is a hottie and I do adore him.
That following year was a big struggle for us, financially, emotionally and physically. I was applying for other jobs and second jobs that just wouldn’t pull through. He was having a hard time finding freelance work and finding something full time seemed impossible. He got more depressed, we both gained weight. I would cry after he fell asleep as I didn’t want him to know how much it was effecting me as I was trying to be strong for the two of us. 
In November we decided that he would start applying elsewhere- out of state. A few seemed like great matches but there would be some snag and then early within the new year he found a contract in Austin that he was stoked about. 
I have always been able to take care of myself financially, yes there have been some hard times but my credit was awesome and my bills were always paid and on time. 
I would not have a full time job when I got down there. This scared the hell out of me. He told me not to worry about it and that he would take care of me. I’m not sure how or why I agreed to this- yes we were married but I don’t know. I think I’ve always just had money things thrown in my face and was nervous of that happening again.
He stayed with some of our friends and loved his position, I stayed back to fix up the house so we could sell it and to pack everything up. I was so happy for him.
It was lonely as hell and part of me was a bit aggravated that I was left behind which honestly made zero sense. Then my anxiety started to kick- what if he felt lonely? What if he turned to someone else? Then the thing I dreaded hearing “he felt neglected” I was trying to finish up everything and I was still working and at night- I would drink myself to sleep. 
I offered him a free pass- open the marriage. I trusted him to tell me the truth and to be completely honest. 
I started losing weight but still felt disgusting, so he would want to skype and my brain was just like “do you really want him to see you like this?” Any time he called or text i was afraid that he would tell me to just stay in Philly, that he no longer wanted me. The joys of depression and anxiety sabotaging your life.Then I was finally able to move down to him. My anxiety was crap and I was using my phone as a crutch. All things that made him feel alone even with me there. I would stop for a bit but then he would say how I was failing at something else and I would go back. I ended up saying I went in some dates just to leave the house so I wouldn’t feel like I was failing more- that was the wrong thing to do even though I was “pestering him, being annoying, being too negative and always triggering him”
Thinking about it, I really didn’t go out much in Philly because of that and I felt bad/guilty because he was out of work and depressed. He’s my husband and we’re a team and I needed to be there for him.
So the open marriage- my worst idea in history. We had rules to be open and completely honest, no overnights, condoms were mandatory no matter what, no one on one stuff and a few others that honestly I cannot remember. 
He hopped onto sites immediately- I didn’t until I moved down here. The first person who I decided sure let’s get this over with and see how it goes was a disaster. It was embarrassing and I lied about it twice. I had changed my mind and the guy was not into that, fortunately he was so excited by that he came before he was even near me let alone in me. He decided to go for a second try and my brain finally clicked and the shock wore off enough to get him the fuck out of my home. What do you tell your husband? Would he believe you- I mean I would hope so. I felt shameful. 
I should have told him the whole thing and ended everything right there but I didn’t and that was stupid and inconsiderate. I will regret that along with many other things for the rest of my life. 
Ended up going on a few dates and we mainly had people together. Apparently because I was talking to more people he was upset( yet said if it was the other way around it wouldn’t have been an issue for him) he wanted to close the open marriage but honestly I was afraid that he wouldn’t stop and continue behind my back- awful of me and obviously with that we should have stopped it. Yet again my fail. It continued he found a girlfriend he begged to stop but I didn’t see that happening with her. He had been making fun of me and humiliated me in front of her and with her. I was sort of seeing someone and talking with someone else but I just wasn’t there. 
However, slowly he started taking away the rules and went away with her, was ok with him doing overnights. Then he stopped using condoms(“because they kept on breaking”) and he started lying and saying awful things about me to her. He bought her a necklace that matched my engagement ring- that hurt, still hurts because of what it is. My depression and anxiety got worse and I found out he gave me three cancer causing strains of hpv. “He did this to get my attention so I would stop fucking other people and get back at me because this was all my fault.” I found out because i went through their messages, i am NOT proud of this. I still feel like shit because of it. I just felt off and I apparently was right to. My question is - how was he doing this to get my attention if he was doing it behind my back? He says he would have told me but thinking about it now… that sounds off.
I ended things on my side, i was still hanging out as friends with one of the guys i had dated but that’s it. About a month later I said I wanted to end it, he agreed and broke up with Amy about a month or so later. For someone who was so eager to end this, why did it take hi so long to end it on his side? Was he just trying to get back at me? Obviously i just thought the worst- I’m an idiot. 
During that time he got upset with me a few times- enough so that I left the house and he told me not to come back. 
Yet, then he would say he overreacted and I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he can’t live without me and there was nothing i could do to make him leave me. 
He had a major rage moment in August that started with him wanting to quit his job because they weren’t listening and it was so stressful(it was awful to watch and I felt terrible for him and honestly he was right) after I helped to fix it(by talking to his coworker/friend) he was good for a week then the atomic blast landed in my lap- because “I’m a selfish fucking bitch and I’ve changed and he doesn’t like the way I love him” add in all of the past things that he will always and forever bring up when he is mad and I was back at Our friend’s house for a few days- the whole thing lasted about a week and was the longest rage moment towards me that we have been through. I ended up getting a crap job to make him happy and help out more. I should have done this instead of watching my nephew but he told me not to- I should have done it anyway.
He had a moment in November and canceled thanksgiving that we were preparing for everyone, a day later he ended up changing his mind and apologizing.
At this time I am now weaning off of my old depression medication, which is terrible timing. So we have thanksgiving night- his friend who I thought didn’t like me as he only talks to her when he’s mad at me used the n-bomb in my home… I used a flat stern tone and told her by no means is that ok and she wasn’t to use it here again- I didn’t want an explanation just don’t say it. 
Because of that “she could no longer be friends with him because of me” 
He didn’t talk to me for the entire weekend. I had passed out in the bathroom and was there for hours, I suppose he didn’t hear me fall but waking and realizing I was alone and … well yeah that. 
When he finally started talking to me he said he was sad to lose his “only” friend here but he would pick me because I’m his wife. The following day he realized none of it was my fault. - My brain is still hurt from him having to decide whether to pick me over someone he has only known for a year. I honestly think that is a crap friend. My opinion and I would feel the same if it was a guy or girl. He keeps saying she is gay and now married so I have nothing to worry about. I was never “worried” I just thought/think she’s toxic. Perhaps I’m wrong and because of what he has told her that is why? In which case, she does deserve a second chance and if she means that much to him as a friend then i need to give he the benefit of the doubt.
December- I do something else to upset him because “I will never learn and don’t want to change because I don’t care” He cancels Christmas and while I’m at work throws all of my belongings into the guest room along with a note that said I’ve ruined his life. I’m back at our friend’s house again. I still have pictures I wish I never took them so maybe I could forget. 
The next day he texts me we talk about everything and he puts everything back before I got home. I’m once again the greatest thing in his life and I just need to be careful not to trigger him. 
Things were good until he went to Cambridge for work- I used the card he told me to to pay for some things and became the worst human in earth and left him with no money. As after i had already used the card and told him, he found out that’s his company didn’t not set up the hotel correctly and he needed to pay out of pocket but they didn’t take the credit card that he brought. I transferred money into the account to fix it but he was still livid- he apologized the next day and said he was sorry for being an asshole- he’s just stressed.(stressed is a serious understatement as he busts his ass every damn day. Work, school freelance- to make our life better. So I feel incredibly fucking awful when I set him off and I certainly don’t do it on purpose- who would)
We were good/great for a bit longer until he went to Lisbon in March. He was on his way home and I wasn’t feeling well(later finding out because I had forgotten to take my meds) So the other guy came out and I left the house before he even got home which made him angrier. 
We talked and he finally realized that “we” have both been walking on eggshells and not communicating like we use to. - We did communicate well in Philly even with his moments, he was more willing to hear me out after and have a rational conversation. 
He started mentioning the other guy more and has now told me his name. I’m glad that he feels comfortable and safe enough to do so- in which case I will leave it at that.
We were good until this month where the rage moment lasted over a week and he threatened to divorce me again. He thinks I have tried to sabotage him to his doctor which is very much NOT true and something I would never do. His parents don’t believe me- why would they, he is so convincing that even I normally believe that I am an awful human being. He wanted to just sell the house and split whatever was left, as long as I wasn’t greedy with what I wanted from the house he wouldn’t get lawyers involved.
He got upset a bit over a week ago because I came home excited from class and he was in the office with the door closed talking quietly. I knocked- a few moments later he opened the door annoyed- his coworker from England was on a video Skype “talking about work” 
I thought he was doing school work so I asked who it was as she was glaring at me. Apparently my tone was bad and I have no right to ask such questions. As she smirked and rolled her eyes at me- no offense women do not do this to each other unless something is off. 
He wasn’t talking about work. I hate being lied to. But “she has a boyfriend and is across the ocean” so I have nothing to worry about. - He doesn’t work with he office door closed- he just started doing that that week. Not sure why as we don’t share an office anymore. Apparently it’s because I’m annoying and he wants to get away from me.
We had a huge long talk last night where once again everything is my fault and I’m selfish because I make it all about me and try to explain things and refuse to let him have feelings. 
So I’m not bringing up anything again. I told him I wouldn’t- but I’m losing my best friend and the guy I love has been treating me like garbage. Yet it’s my fault because I fucked up and never do anything right. He wants a divorce- yet changed it to just separating and him getting an apartment for a couple months to where he can go out with another woman if he wants- so he doesn’t feel alone. Do you know how that feels? To know as a wife you have failed or at least been told repeatedly that you fail- that you aren’t trying- that you don’t want to try. Yet if someone isn’t willing to forgive you even though they said they did- is that not setting you up to fail? **So I have come to find out that he’s been cheating on me for months, possibly since March if not earlier? They had a plan set to have her come to the city and he had a hotel. He wanted to see if it was a real connection…I want to die. tbc-