#sheena/conscious--ramblings who is so good at being very kind to those who are kind and not entertaining those who aren't

[dictacontrion]

Hi! I hope you don't mind this ask; it's a little awkward and I'd understand if you didn't answer it. But I was wondering if your popularity was something you had to learn to deal with as you became more well known within the fandom and, if so, how you did that? More specifically, did/do you ever find yourself struggling as someone people look up to in the fandom, and the sort of implicit responsibility toward others that can be perceived to come with it? 1 of 2 (sorry!)

2/2 I know it seems horribly ungrateful, but I’m just starting to become better known and I’m beginning feel overwhelmed at times. My readers/followers are the loveliest people ever, but the expectation I feel–to read and rec, to answer asks, to socialize–just seems like a lot sometimes. I would never want to hurt anyone by ignoring them but is there any way to strike a balance?  I’m sorry, I know even asking puts you in the same position; no worries if you decide not to answer, really.            

That’s a really good question, anon, and a bit tricky to answer, but I hopesome of this will be helpful.

Yeah, I do sometimes find it stressful and exhausting, and do find that theexpectations can be difficult. I don’t think that’s ungrateful – you sound verygrateful! – though I completely know what you’re talking about and understand andhave had (and have felt bad about) that feeling. It is hard to be in a positionwhere lots of people come at you with requests and expectations, and where whatyou say might be scrutinized, and it can get overwhelming even when all of thepeople you’re talking to are entirely wonderful.

The most helpful thing for me has been thinking about what it means to be(to use your language; I find it surreal and sort of unbelievable to think ofmyself in these terms) a role model.

Thing is, it feels to me as though this corner of fandom has a veryspecific, and pretty narrow, ethos around what it means to be good:friendliness, responsiveness, accessibility, enthusiasm, positivity,easygoingness/willingness to go with the flow, and maintaining a happy-go-luckyvibe.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, anon, but that’s not really how I do. Tryingto do that would be exhausting forme. I’d probably have double the followers and be blocked by half as manypeople if I did, but I would be tired and stressed and I would spend a lot oftime doing types of fan labor I don’t find fulfilling and am not interested indoing and I would hate being here. And I don’t think I’d have made the friendsI’ve made, because they wouldn’t have an honest sense of who I am and how Ithink, and I wouldn’t be able to (or, tbh, want to) sustain friendships that arebased on performing a persona that wouldn’t really be me.

I also don’t think that’s a really super unequivocally awesome way to be? Ifyou value going along and getting along and being positive above all else, youcan end up getting mired in some pretty fucked up shit – supporting ideas youmight not really believe if you stopped to think critically, perpetuatingnarratives and ideas that you might not actually like because they’re what’spopular, becoming a person who you don’t really want to be in order to maintainthat approval, all that jazz.

There’s a point at which trying to be, or trying to seem to be, that fandomideal of a nice, friendly, popular blogger can get destructive. To you, becauseit’s exhausting and doesn’t leave room to vent and breathe and be and get whatyou want out of fandom. And to everyone else, because it perpetuates animpossible standard and can put the kibosh on important community reflection.

So when it comes to thinking about the kind of behavior I’d want to model,and the behavior it’s been meaningful and helpful to me to see other peoplemodel, it’s sometimes pretty antithetical to that “everyone’s happy andeverything’s great and we all get along all the time” vibe and that expectationthat you’ll always read and rec and socialize and be enthusiastic about andinto and prioritizing fan activities.

Things I’d rather model, and that it’s been really important for me to seeother people model: having boundaries; asking critical questions, being willingto have and able to respectfully engage difficult conversations; being openabout the negative as well as the positive parts of different experiences;taking time away when tumblr gets overwhelming; prioritizing happiness overexpectations. Being honest, and not just about the things other people want tosee and hear.

I don’t think I’m the only person who needs to see that, or who finds itreassuring to know that other people are imperfect too. Or that other peoplethink critically about our collective project in addition to loving it. Or thatother people have boundaries and say no to things. Or that – important! –youcan not be super friendly and bubblyall the time and still have friends and still be a valuable and cared-for partof a community.

To be clear for purposes of tumblr, I don’t mean to say that people shouldbe cruel or unkind or disrespectful. That’s not okay.

But it is not cruel or unkind to have boundaries and take time for yourself. It is okay to say no torequests. It is okay to take timeaway. It is okay to let asks sit inyour inbox or let messages go unanswered when you don’t have the time orbandwidth. It is possible that that will hurt other people’s feelings, and Idon’t have a good solution for that – that’s just hard, and it sucks, and itfeels shitty, especially when, as you say, so many followers and readers arewonderful and, given the time and energy, I’d love to give every one of them myfull focus all the time. But it’s also a fact of human existence that we can’tbe everything to everyone and that sometimes people’s feelings get incidentallyhurt, and ultimately it is our own responsibility to take care of ourselves andtheir responsibility to take care of themselves and make sure that theirwell-being doesn’t rest on a blogger’s availability/responsiveness. If it getsto a point where you have to choose between caring for other people and caringfor yourself, it is okay to choose yourself. It is important to choose yourself.

I know that’s not always easy. A lot of us have been taught that that isunkind and not okay to have boundaries, that our job (especially, for many ofus, as women) is to care for others and put their needs before our own and thatthat’s what it means to be Good. But reader? That’s bullshit. There are so manyother things that are more important – that are more good – than being superfriendly and available to everyone who wants your time and energy. And imo, wedo ourselves and each other a service by refusing to implicitly support theidea that trying to be everyone’s combination mom/sister/bestie/cheerleader isa necessary precondition of being a good person or a popular person or a likedperson.

As to how – one step at a time. By thinking about how you want to spend yourtime and constructing your days to make that happen. By practicing saying no inlittle increments and building up. By following other people who take charge oftheir fandom experience so that it’s something you see and so you’re remindedit’s okay. If it helps, you can put something in your bio saying that you’llget to things when you can but it might be a while or everyone but you still lovehearing from people, or to write a post saying that you’re going to be reccingless so you don’t burn out. People will adjust. It will be okay. If you’rehappier, it will be more than okay.  

tl;dr: when it comes to being a role model or a visible figure or whatever,doing it honestly – being unapologetic about who you are and whatyou need and like and want – is powerful, and healthy, and important, and good.Good for you, and good for other people to see. If trying to meet those expectations is making you unhappy, stop tryingto meet those expectations. Do tumblr in ways that feels good for you. It willmake your experience better, and help other people, in ways you can’t even knowuntil you try it.

[rainbowsartlove]

LESBIAN: A Coming to Terms

Sometimes I think back to being eleven or twelve, when I first encountered the word lesbian in a newspaper article about my favourite Spice Girl. It seemed to be a bad thing to be but I didn't understand why as if it was about love then love wasn't bad. She stayed my favourite.

Sometimes I think back to being in secondary school, when I didn't really fancy anyone, but I made myself think of a couple of male celebrities because the question of 'which boys do you fancy?' was always coming up and it was embarrassing to not have an answer.

Sometimes I think back to sixth form when I actually did have a crush on a really very pretty boy, and how I wrote diary entries about feeling normal for once.

Sometimes I think back to my first year at uni when I was scared of anyone finding out how inexperienced I was so I became very good at deflection.

Sometimes I think back warding off at least two guys when I was out dancing in that first year of uni because I wanted my first kiss to mean something.

Sometimes I think back to writing in my livejournal about these times and how I was terrified of the opposite sex. I remember hating what a late bloomer I was and just wanting to get over myself.

Sometimes I think back to having crushes on the prettiest male celebrities I could find. Sometimes I even think back to crushing on a boy in my halls who looked like Elijah Wood, but in retrospect I think I liked the idea of him more than I liked him.

Sometimes I think back to the alcohol soaked parties we used to have in the society I was part of and how I once ducked out of a dare to kiss one of my female friends because it would have been my first kiss and I didn't want a kiss with a girl to mean so much.

Sometimes I think back to the one time I had a boyfriend and how I liked the intimacy of sex but I couldn't get over how weird penises were. I remember him leaving me and me being devastated not because of the break up but because we were friends first and I just wanted my friend back.

Sometimes I think back to just before we broke up. I was in a car and was thinking about going home to my boyfriend and how I guess it meant I was straight then. I'm pretty sure our relationship ended either that day or the day after.

Sometimes I think back to when I thought I might be bisexual and not being bothered at all because it didn't seem like a big deal. I later realised that boys just really weren't for me.

Sometimes I think back to beginning to come out to people in my fandom online and how scared I was and how lovely they were.

Sometimes I think back to how one of those friends mentioned that I might not want to come out to my younger fandom friends in case word got back to their parents and they thought I was predatory.

Sometimes I think back to wishing on a flying lantern that one day I would be brace enough to say the words I'm not brave enough to say.

Sometimes I think back to New Years Eve 2011, when I came out face to face to someone for the first time, and how my heart was beating like mad and she hugged me and told me she was proud of me.

Sometimes I think back to how my mum once told me I can't scare her but how I still can't say the words to her because I'm scared.

Sometimes I think back to going to my first Pride with one of my best friends and not wanting to say the real reason I was there but being immensely proud all the same.

Sometimes I think back to buying my first copy of Diva magazine and being both proud and paranoid as I took it to the till.

Sometimes I think back to watching tv at my mum and Dad's house and pretending not to show any interest any time there was a gay character on screen.

Sometimes I think back to watching Glee and how I cried during Landslide.

Sometimes I think back to going to my first Pride in London and how I realised I'd found my people, if only for a day.

Sometimes I think back to Blackpool Pride 2015, when I went to watch my favourite boys headline and how the pride flags they waved on stage were such a contrast to the dirty looks I got walking down the street wrapped in rainbows.

Sometime I think about going to an LGBT museum tour in 2015 and how proud I was to be identifying myself with that group in public and not at Pride for the first time.

Sometimes I think back to ticking a box in the equality and diversity section of an application form for the first time and how the word lesbian still didn't feel quite right but it no longer felt wrong.

Sometimes I think back to seeing a blog post on tumblr about how I should volunteer at Pride in London and how i was scared filling in the application form but it was time.

I think back to going to that training session and messaging @conscious--ramblings, the author of said blog post to say thank you. I think about how welcoming she was to me and how we soon started DMing on twitter all day.

I think about meeting Sheena in the Pride shop and being encouraged to sign up for her team at Pride.

I think about Pride this year and how stewarding was incredible. I think about the feeling of walking down the parade route high fiving people on the barriers.

I think about standing in the street singing End of the Day at the top of my lungs with Sheena, @doctorrainbows and @t-from-paris and how it was the best Pride ever. I think about Sheena asking me if I was bi or a lesbian and stumbling my way through an 'it's complicated' kind of half answer.

I think about my Love Happens Here badge and how pinning it to my jacket seemed like a statement and now I have four rainbow badges on there.

I think about the social group I've gained with Pride and how much I've grown to love the people in it.

I think about going out with Sheena, Rosie, Debbie, Juan and @tyche88 and Sheena taking me to my first lesbian bar.

I think about how that word doesn't sound so scary any more.

I think about how the way I first connected with the word probably impacted on me more than I realised and that Section 28 and subliminal and semi compulsory heteronormativity and heterosexuality probably played a part in things for me and still leave their traces.

I think about how I'm still scared to come out but know now that I have the support to do so one day.

I think about being an ace lesbian.

If you made it this far, thank you. There's a lot I probably missed out, but that's another post.