#she's an abuse victim who has chosen to perpetuate the cycle of abuse for her own ambitions

[the-badger-mole]

Listen....I don't care how old the person is, or how they're related to me, if someone tried- and nearly succeeded in killing me, I no longer feel an obligation to care about their humanity. It is madness to me that people insist that Iroh owed Azula anything after that, and to say that he was even a little wrong for saying she was "crazy and needed to go down" is mind boggling to me. I don't care that Ehaz was a writer- one of the best writers on the show. He is WRONG about Azula.

[pessimisticpigeonsworld]

I just discovered a new pet peeve of mine: Alicent stans turning the song Labour by Paris Paloma into her theme song. If you've never heard of the song (first I think it's a fucking awesome song and highly recommend it), it's basically talking about the generational trauma the patriarchy has inflicted on women and wanting to end the cycle. Now you could feasibly see this song applying to pretty much all women in asoiaf, even Alicent to an extent. But Alicent stans aren't just using the song to point out the victimization of women by the patriarchy, they are saying she embodies the song (this isn't on tumblr as far as I've seen, I've seen it only on tiktok and youtube). The problem with this idea is that, while Alicent is a victim of the patriarchy like all women in asoiaf, she does nothing to try to break the cycle, nor does she ever condemn it as wrong. In fact, she perpetuates the damage and abuse in order to uphold the patriarchy. Characters like Rhaenyra, Daenerys, Baela, Rhaena (daughter of Aenys), Arya, and Brienne strive against the patriarchy in some way, whether that's ruling, going into battle, or simply engaging in activities condemned by the patriarchy. They looked at the world around them and condemned it for its unfairness and chose to be who they were in spite of it. Alicent chooses to constantly uphold the injustice of her society to the detriment of her and her daughter. If she truly embodied Labour, she would have never forced Helaena to become a child bride and be victimized the way she was. She wouldn't have supported Otto and Aegon every step of the way and she would have seen the struggles of women around her, like Rhaenyra, and chosen to help her not undermine her at every turn.

[astra-stellaris-a]

* 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸'𝕊  /  𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒 

𝐈.  𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬  /  𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬.

⑉☽ justice.  knowing that you’ve meted out a punishment that fits the crime and the victim has recompense for all the times they’ve suffered. The satisfaction of knowing that person can never be harmed again.

⑉☽ wrath. knowing that should anyone stand in your way, they will fall and crumble--the ability to bring about someone’s or someone’s ruination on a whim. The feeling of bringing about wrath to be someone’s justice, ready to protect and mete back pain inflicted in equal measure.

⑉☽ kindness and compassion. a soothing balm to the world’s abuses on a single person and it’s ability to change someone’s life even years later.

⑉☽ honorable and fair.  always doing the right thing, always keeping a high standard of one’s self. Being unbiased upon their own actions, making sure to keep themselves from being hypocritical or perpetuating cycles of abuse or systemic discriminations. Of accepting they can and are wrong and rectifying that behavior.

⑉☽ despair and regret.  knowing that life could have been different had a single change been made and knowing that at that time in their life, they were powerless and completely at another’s whim. Knowing that their actions were the catalyst for their life moving forward and regretting it even if there was no other choice to be made.

𝐈𝐈.  𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐬.

⑉☽ saturated and bright colors. the vibrancy of her life, shown in color in contrast to the pale of her skin, the dark of her hair and the mid-tone of her eyes. If she, herself is not colorful, she’ll make herself colorful.

⑉☽ red. the color of passion, of love, of power and courage, but also revenge and anger (wrath). Her chosen color--one that embodies the more extroverted aspects of her personality.

⑉☽ green. representative of her continued growth and renewal as a person, as well as symbolic of the struggle she has in achieving peace within herself. it’s also representative of her calm, logical, unbiased nature.

⑉☽ gold. representative not only of her wealth but the achievements, advancements and triumphs she’s obtained throughout her life, as well as her indulgent nature (such as buying material gifts for people, running charities and the like.)

⑉☽ black. representative of the air of mystery she has--always knowing everyone but no one truly knowing her. it’s also representative of the power and elegance she holds in her day-to-day life.

𝐈𝐈𝐈.  𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬.

⑉☽ magnolias, whether from fresh magnolias or the magnolia-scented oil she puts in her hair to keep the frizz away.

⑉☽ oranges, as she keeps them on hand to eat as a snack wherever she frequents--from her office or home, there’s always an orange somewhere nearby.

⑉☽ cigar smoke, as she ocasionally smokes cigars, especially when she’s stressed. It’s a reminder of her father and grandfather who also smoked. she orders the same brand and type as they did.

⑉☽ ozone.  Astra is lightning personified and as such, it clings to her in verses where she uses it.

⑉☽ perfume. astra tends to choose fresh scents that don’t have a taste of sweetness and favors more masculine smelling perfumes. she also wears cologne if she likes the smell of it.

𝐈𝐕.  𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠. // all have a star/moon motif.

⑉☽ style. usually dresses traditional, more on the masculine side with trousers. favors dark academia or suits.

⑉☽ gloves. red in color, tall up her arm, almost into the shoulder.

⑉☽ elegant clothing. astra has a taste for elegance, favoring red, green, black or gold.

⑉☽ expensive materials. cashmere coats, satin, hand-woven lace, turtlenecks.

⑉☽ outerwear. she favors long coats, cloaks, boots.

𝐕.  𝐨𝐛𝐣𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐬.

⑉☽ a chain made of copper. decorated with moons and stars, wound around her waist or neck, or used as a decoration, wound through a coat’s button holes.

⑉☽ the stellaris blade. a family heirloom carried by previous heads of the stellaris family, imbued with their lifeblood.

⑉☽ collar clips. won in a school tournament, gold in color.

⑉☽ headship rings. worn on the index finger of both hands. the right bears the stellaris and the left the kurokawa.

⑉☽ hair pins. a commemorative set of hair clips, commissioned by her father that comes in three pieces, clicking into place. It’s worn under a layer of hair, meant to shimmer in the light as the hair moves.

⑉☽ moon and star cufflinks. 

𝐕𝐈.  𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐬  /  𝐛𝐚𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐬.

⑉☽ confrontational personality. astra is a fiery, tempestuous person who can crave vengeance for both those who have hurt her and those who hurt others. she’s never afraid to square up and beat some ass.

⑉☽ swearing. astra curses a lot.

⑉☽ smoking cigars. usually when stressed or depressed.

⑉☽ dangerous situations. astra places herself in dangerous situations protecting other people and doesn’t care or think a thing about it. 

⑉☽ ambitious/stubborn. to the point of throwing everything aside and focusing on that one thing until it’s accomplished.

𝐕𝐈𝐈.  𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞.

⑉☽ eye contact. astra only ever tends to make eye contact at first meeting or when she’s comfortable with the other person due to the nature of her family abilities.

⑉☽ elegant. she holds herself very elegantly and each move seems to have been practiced and thought about before executed.

⑉☽ expressions. she expresses herself mostly through her mouth and brows, with the rest of her body being quite still or doing something else entirely. She hardly ever gesticulates unless she’s very emotional.

⑉☽ hands. she has very nice, manicured hands and tends to tap on things with her nails when she’s bored, fiddle with her cufflinks or rub her thumb over someone else’s hand when she’s holding it.

⑉☽ imposing figure. at first meeting astra is very intimidating due to the intensity of her eyes and her ability to talk to a specific person, making them feel like all her attention is specifically on them. and it is.

𝐕𝐈𝐈𝐈.  𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬.

⑉☽ lightning and storms.  the sound of thunder rolling off the mountain, the flash of lightning and the space between seeing it and hearing it. the smell of ozone just before and after the lightning appears.

⑉☽ contrast. she loves contrasting color schemes. red and green, black and white. any color combination that may clash together, she loves. she loves watching theatre and the emotion shown and how quick it changes--she tends to compare and contrast them together.

⑉☽ warmth. the feeling of a warm blanket, the sun on one’s back, the brightness and warmth of a fire.

⑉☽ beauty. astra loves anything she considers to be beautiful--whether it be overtly beautiful or subtly beautiful. She appreciates everything and can find beauty in nearly everything she looks at.

⑉☽ the ocean, sky and stars. anything deep, dark and mysterious that can draw people in and have them question their own existence, likely to never let the other go once they’re too deep in.

+ bonus :  a radiant smile when she knows you’re having a bad day and need comfort.

[gch1995]

If you know about ATLA the airbending monks were everything people pretend the Jedi were and when the masters heard about the impending war, which would turn out to be the genocide of the airbenders, some of them wanted to send 12 year old Aang the chosen one away to another temple train for the war, going against their air-bending principles, but the point was that it was framed as completely wrong AND Aang's teacher, the monk who raised him, protected him from that fate. I'd love to tell more.

I’ve seen ATLA. I loved watching that show! My favorites were Katara, Sokka, and Zuko! The writers treatment of Azula could have been better. Yes, she was a bitch, and when I was a kid, I hated her, too. However, much like Zuko, she was a victim of her father, and a broken and dictatorial Fire nation’s brainwashing. Unlike Zuko, she never had her mother’s love, or if she did, she was clearly the “unfavorite” of Ursa. In spite of his father’s abuse and brainwashing, Zuko had Iroh and Ursa who were both decent influences on him, which was why he was able to redeem himself in the end. Azula only had her father, who was a downright awful person with no redeeming qualities.

Nonetheless, now that I look back on ATLA, it also very much was an idyllic westernized East Asian fantasy. None of the young characters really behaved much like believable children, except for Aang, Toph, and Sokka. It was easy to forget that these kids were 12-16 and being allowed into war zones. Yes, Katara and Sokka weren’t exactly groomed for warfare, and, thankfully, Giazo stopped Aang’s grooming for warfare. However, they’re still allowed to go off into warzones alone, and even the characters who are supposed to be good parents, such as Iroh and Hakoda, are actually okay with it. Aang’s a different story because he literally has no parents left. No adult is putting a stop to this, even at the end.

In my opinion, a realistic narrative would consistently point out that it is wrong to conscript anyone for warfare under the age of 18. As much as I love ATLA, it doesn’t consistently do that, except for with the kids in the Fire Nation, and even with them, it’s dodgy, because Zuko becomes the Fire Lord at 16, and he is completely okay with that responsibility. For someone who was shown to be an arrogant and emotionally unstable teenager less than a year ago, in spite of having a good, kind, and well-meaning heart underneath it all all along, I don’t totally buy that he suddenly would be able to handle all that responsibility and be okay. Why were Katara and Aang ever a couple? Why were the issues with Toph’s parents never addressed?

For all of Star Wars flaws since Filoni, Hidalgo, and Disney took over and ruined everything, though, I do actually think the OT and PT movies and novelizations do a good job of writing believable and relatable character reacting realistically in traumatic war zones, relationships with abusive, manipulative, and oppressive authority figures, and situations that they weren’t ready for from childhood having lifelong negative emotional/psychological effects on Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader because there were very limited to nonexistent options for healthy support, therapy, and escape from such toxic environments his whole life. While Anakin/Vader does hold a level of responsibility for his crimes as an adult that is on him, and no one deserved to be murdered, I think the writers did make it consistently clear that, while well-meaning, the Jedi Council and Republic were also very broken and dysfunctional. They never should have been taking in children to train for warfare.

Then, in the OT, we have Luke breaking the cycle of abuse, crime, and oppression that his predecessors contributed to, perpetuated, and suffered under as an outsider from that systematic corruption with enough clarity of mind, realism, stability, normalcy, and compassion to do so. While there’s no excuse for perpetuating abuse, child conscription, murder, oppression, and war crimes, it’s a very hard cycle to break and see through as wrong when it’s almost all you’ve known your whole life, there’s limited to nonexistent options for viable safe escape from it, and/or healthy and non-biased support within it.

The problem is that the majority of the OG Star Wars fandom kept bitching about how they didn’t like the dystopian tragedy take that George Lucas went with in the PT, even though it showed signs of having been a problem in the OT too since Obi Wan and Yoda knew Darth Vader before when he was Anakin, claimed to have failed him as his teachers, and did nothing to stop him themselves within those 19 years before Luke came of age. Sure, it is completely reasonable to believe that Vader would be better off dead in self-defense and/or for execution of his crimes, but the fact that Obi Wan and Yoda are both Jedi who knew about him for all this time before Luke showed up, and did nothing about it in those 19 years he was terrorizing the galaxy as Sidious’s attack dog, only so they could attempt to recruit his son to finish off the monster of a man they both contributed to luring his father to become as his guardians who failed him? Fucked up and cowardly as hell.

But again, the majority of the SW fandom didn’t like George Lucas’s take that the Jedi weren’t “completely blameless” and Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader wasn’t “pure evil.” It was a systematic issue of abuse, crime, and corruption that they all contributed too and were too afraid to stick up against.

Thus, we got Dave Filoni, Pablo Hidalgo, and Disney canon Star Wars who keep muddling, retconning, and undermining George Lucas’s original story about good and evil not being this black-and-white issue to cater to the, surprisingly many fans who never liked the fact that Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader wasn’t the badass and cold-blooded cartoon villain murder machine man they thought they were going to get in “New Hope.”

[s0ym1lk]

So I finally finished playing Burial at Sea parts 1 and 2, wrapping up my replay of Infinite. The last time I played these games, I had a really visceral dislike of the ending to Infinite, and didn’t even finish part 2 of BaS for the same reasons. Having played them again, I am really satisfied with how the games came together, and how strongly it reinforced its themes in BaS. 

Bioshock has always been about choice, consequence, and the relationship between people. More specifically it tackles choice in relation to your past, and whether you can (or should) try to make up for your mistakes. 

To me, Infinite was a very interesting experiment in telling a story, because I think without serious analysis, the player is led to the wrong conclusion. The way I read it, Infinite is making a case specifically for breaking the cycle of violence by....showing how difficult it is to break the cycle of violence.

Booker and Comstock represent two polar opposite reactions to making mistakes. Comstock discards his past completely, and with it, he discards valuable lessons in empathy and compassion. He becomes a man obsessed with righteousness, purity, and ruthlessness. Booker stews in his past and never moves past it. He refuses to forgive himself for the mistakes that he made, and that self-flagellation keeps him in a cycle of shame and wrong-doing. However, this isn’t just a case study of Booker/Comstock. Infinite raises the stakes by using Elizabeth to illustrate to us that _anyone _can fall victim to the cycle of bloodshed. The game is all about trauma, forgiveness, and violence - from Booker empathizing with how Slate is sent to war and then discarded like an old toy, to Fitzroy trying to find belonging with Comstock’s family, only to be framed for murder and radicalized into a rebellion leader, to Elizabeth finding compassion for the mother that abused her who was herself abused by Comstock, to Songbird - Elizabeth’s captor and only friend, itself a captive with a friend only in Elizabeth. The point is that every single one of these people are trapped in a cycle of violence that traumatizes them, which in turn forces them to traumatize others, perpetuating the cycle. 

The end of the game brings that big structural-level cycle back into the personal relationship between Elizabeth and Booker when it reveals that Booker and Comstock are the same person. Booker is responsible for Elizabeth's life, and she now has to decide what's more important to her - the tentative relationship she's built with Booker thus far or getting revenge for what was done to her as a child. This is the turning point for Elizabeth - and therefore where the game puts the period on its thesis. When Elizabeth chooses to kill Booker, she feeds into that cycle of violence and.... essentially becomes Comstock. She has chosen violence for the ‘greater good’. She has declared that there are some things you can never come back from, some things that you deserve to die for. And she does so discarding many of the lessons about compassion, personal connection, and forgiveness that she learned along the way. (It’s also very important to note that she makes her decision because she ‘knows how the story ends’. Upon replay, I think the game has some very interesting things to say about whether this statement is true. Comstock also knew how the story ended, which drove his own villainy. In essence, the game is saying that this type of ruthless realism is just pessimism in disguise, and that it WILL turn a person into a monster. It's only when Elizabeth loses her powers in BaS, when she becomes a regular person with no concept of the future again, that's she able to see the power of optimism and find some redemption. ) 

I believe the complexity of that message (and the admittedly confusing packaging it came in)  was lost on a lot of players, which is why in my opinion Burial at Sea doubles down so intensely on the themes. Part 1 is literally about Elizabeth becoming the villain. They make that very clear by redeeming Booker/Comstock through his kindness towards Sally, and villainizing Elizabeth via use of Sally as a tool to get to Comstock. Then, at the beginning of part 2, Elizabeth is exactly where Booker was at the beginning of Infinite - with the blood of a child on her hands, wondering what chance she has at redeeming herself. That search for redemption morphs into an understanding of the importance of human connection. Ultimately, despite it being a lost cause, it matters that Elizabeth tries, over and over again, to save Sally. It matters that Elizabeth misses Booker, that Elizabeth helps the Big Daddy, that Elizabeth saved Songbird when she was a child. Those small human connections are the true heart of Bioshock, and the thing that Elizabeth lost at the end of Infinite when she sacrificed Booker. So many little things point to this central message - the ‘lion with a thorn in its paw’ metaphor, the stories of the big daddies and songbird, the ‘imprinting is not found in genetic code’ line, the guitar/singing scene in Infinite, and - my personal favorite part of Infinite - the scene of Booker trying to get Anna back as a baby before she’s taken through the tear. 

There’s definitely something to be said there about the foolishness of playing God. All of Bioshock’s villains have sought to shape the world to its best (in their varying opinions) form. Elizabeth does the same. Upon seeing that a bad choice can be made, she chooses to take the choice away, failing to realize that there’s no way you can do that for every bad thing that will ever happen in life. Though the game doesn’t show you the consequences of Elizabeth’s choice (note however that Burial at Sea very much does), it implies by everything that comes before that killing Booker will only perpetuate the cycle of bloodshed. The 'best' choice, thematically, should have been for Elizabeth to forgive Booker for being human and making mistakes. But the game wants us as players to understand how difficult a choice that is to make - so difficult that Elizabeth herself couldn’t even make it. 

Ultimately, Elizabeth is redeemed in death, because she chose to fight for the lost cause of saving Sally, even though she knew how it would end. Even if Elizabeth had once sacrificed Sally trying to get to Booker/Comstock, it still mattered that Elizabeth tried to save her - just as it mattered that Booker tried to stop Comstock from taking Anna pre-Infinite. We, as human beings, are more than our pasts, because every moment we can make the choice to change. When we use our pasts to help us navigate the future, when we allow the past to give us empathy for other people and for ourselves, rather than wallowing in it or forgetting it completely - that’s how we can make choices that matter. 

[lannisterkitty]

The sequel trilogy and the subject of abuse

This post contains spoilers of The Rise of Skywalker. Read at your own risk.

One of the many things the sequels failed in is developing proper character arcs. Rey starts out as a naive, headstrong young girl who is thrust in the middle of a galaxy-wide war. When captured by Kylo Ren and tortured, she refuses to give up valuable information and even fights back. She develops bond with Finn and Han Solo almost immediately upon meeting them and pledges her support for the Resistance’s cause. The second movie, The Last Jedi, shows Rey’s strong moral compass and her belief in power of love. She tries to turn Kylo Ren to Light to no avail. She leaves upon realizing Ren has chosen his path. The Rise of Skywalker ends with Ren being redeemed in the eyes of Rey and both of them kissing.

Herein lies the problem. Before the third movie, Kylo Ren has always been shown to be a abusive, manipulative man. His primary goal has always been to obtain power; Rey had been just a tool. He might have been manipulated by Snoke but his actions were his own choice. He is guilty of assault, torture, murder, patricide and genocide. He had always felt the pull of Light but when given choice, he consistently chose the Dark side. He chose to murder his father and chose to seize the title of Supreme Leader. Making Rey kiss the man who had abused, gas-lighted and manipulated her is undoubtedly the worse thing they could have done to her character. Kylo Ren had pursued her even when she refused him and had resorted to violence when he didn’t get his way. A victim kissing her abuser perpetuates the idea that a man can literally abuse a woman but it can be excused if he loves her. By erasing Rey’s trauma, Star Wars essentially declared it is okay for young girls to be mistreated by boys and men. It also preserves the tradition of female characters existing just for the purpose of redeeming abusive, evil men. Is this the message of hope Star Wars is supposed to send?

Another abuse victim is none other than the villainous General Hux. Not many people are aware that Armitage Hux had been physically and mentally abused by his father and other authority figures since his childhood. It inculcated in him the same cruelty which he had been treated with and grew up to be a hateful man. He continued to be mistreated and physically assaulted by his peers as well superiors even in his adulthood. Snoke punishes him in front of his subordinates; Kylo Ren chokes him and flings him to the wall. In The Rise of Skywalker, he is executed by Pryde, a man who worked with Hux’s father and quite possibly aware of the mistreatment Hux suffered at the hand of his father and his peers. Armitage Hux never escaped this cycle of abuse, not even in death.

The stormtroopers are victims as well. They have been abducted as babies and raised as soldiers to fight in a war. They are expendable- mere numbers. Their predecessors, the clone troopers were the same. Though under the Jedi Order, they were to do as the Jedi bid them. None of them were offered any choice. Finn is the only stormtrooper who escapes but we don’t see him leading fellow stormtroopers to freedom. Instead we see him hunt them down as if they chose to fight for the First Order. Those stormtroopers died victims too.

Despite the triumph of good over evil, we never see victims’ trauma being acknowledged or them breaking free of this cycle. The audience’s takeaway is this- you will never overcome your trauma; you will either accept it or let it end you. If Star Wars is a fairy tale in space, is this the ending we deserve?

[deereelis]

RE-CALIBRATING...

Written June 11, 2019

Transcript:

Good Morning sunshines, thank you all for being here today.  I’d like to start by acknowledging all of you for being here at this moment, friends, family, colleagues, ex-boyfriends, ex-PO’s, teachers, my esteemed spirit community but most importantly... my long lists of partners in crime.  My partner whom I share with spirit, my other partner who I share with in love, My other partner whom I share with in laughter, my other partner whom I share with in art and my favorite partner of all:  the one whom we shared a body: my seed, my love my utter joy, my mini-goddess... mi hija.

I invited you all here today because I’ve got a little bit of bad news & rather than go and send this many individual text messages, I decided to do it the ‘old-fashioned way’ & make a video on you tube.   

Speech: I gathered you all here today to hold myself accountable and apologize to all the men & women I’ve disappointed.  I recognize that I have not been the easiest person to deal with and for that, I am sorry.  I also recognize that sometimes my snarky remarks, smug face, and my ability to lift your mistakes and downplay my errors can be provoking.  Maybe those provocations have led to you wishing bad things for me, saying mean things to me and hoping I would disappear.  Maybe you tried to make me disappear, maybe you threatened me, poked me, put yours hands on me, raised your voice, maybe you tried to smear me.  Or maybe, you just didn’t say anything when you saw others express meanness toward me.  Either way, I wanted to apologize to all of you whom I triggered or offended to the point that you felt uncomfortable.

I accompany your sentiment of discomfort.  I too feel extremely uneasy that I exist in a world where we could treat one another so poorly.  I have been treated like crap and I have treated others like crap and I regret it, I do.  I am by far not a saint, though every day I try to be better than the day before. My life has given me the most unique of perspectives & I’ve learned to embrace them all.  Every memory has contributed to the person that I am and who I strive to be and for that I am eternally grateful.  The ability to have such vast life experiences that it allows you to connect with people genuinely through love is one of the many blessings of my life. It’s been a long journey and I still have a ways to go. As a child, I chuckled when I saw 2 men kiss; because that's what I knew to be humor.  These days, I feel ‘love’... so deeply inside... it overcomes what the eyes can see and what the mind perceives.  Sometimes I roll my eyes or make fun of people when they say foolish things, because that’s what I know to be humor; but I want to work on my humor not being at the expense of possibly shaming an individual.  Though shame can build character,  it’s not my place to build outside of my temple.  

I want to free my mind of colonialism.

I want to be in the business of building others and not contribute to their stress.  If my humor comes at the expense of picking another apart or using my words as venom to your spirit; no lifting can occur if I am pulling you down.  

I want to free my mind of colonialism.

Far from perfect as I am, I live in a home where individuality and creativity is encouraged.  I come from a long, deep lineage of strong Puerto Rican matriarchs & the warriors that lift us. In my community we hold up our men and our men hold us up.  I have been lifted and supported through the grimiest seasons, by the most masculine of gods. 

I try not to make plans too far in advance, because while I may enjoy drinking wine & sitting by a fire right now; in a couple of weeks I may not want to toxify my liver and would rather meditate by a lake.  I am constantly changing, and more times than not- am barely recognizable, even to myself.

As many know, I ran for local office for the first time in 2015, because I was tired of challenging a non-inclusive system whose representatives didn’t feel they needed to respond to people like me.  So I ran and I won. It’s been an amazing run and there’s nothing I love more than being able to sit at decision-making tables on behalf of folks who don’t typically have a voice: (My identities: disabled, woman, MOM, less-affluent, of Puerto-Rican heritage, reformed hood-rat, Goddess, Artist)

But the truth is, the system needs WD-40 because it is rusty and it has creaky ankles.  This structure is set with such rigidity that any attempt to change anything would create such a significant shift in a cycle that’s perpetuated convenient chaos for years.  I have had many heated one-sided conversations with humans of the male persuasion who believed that disagreeing on a vote was grounds to threaten, disrespect, or slander another.  (Let’s hold this thought)

For the past few years, I have been on a spiritual journey that has intensified deeply in the past few months. Everything I’ve known to be true and my life as I knew it, was no longer.  It wasn’t that I stopped loving those whom I’d chosen to build a life with.  It was that, the way I was showing up for them, wasn't conducive with my best self (or who I believe her to be).  In fact, recognizing that lacking self-love for so many years, created a falsehood of sorts, I had to re-evaluate EVERYTHING.  How could I fully love my husband, if I hadn’t learned how to love me yet?  What was I teaching my daughter about what love and relationships are through my actions?  How could I ensure that my judgmental or critique didn’t make her self-aware or insecure?  How can I create space for her to be her fullest self without inflicting my conditions? How can I be a better daughter, sister, mentor- without being a better individual, first?  How could I fix my life when I’m so stuck in the hamster wheel of cycle of life to stop & actually fix it?

So I worked at being better.  I woke up early to watch sunrises, sunsets, I’ve written, I’ve meditated, traveled, spent time in nature, be mindful of how I eat, reading, called old friends, spoke my truths, participated in ceremony and began to exhibit this beautiful thing called unconditional love within friends and friends of friends. Through this healing community of love,  I made new connections with people with similar interests. The question remained, how do I maintain these newfound relationships when I still haven’t figured out how to maintain my nucleus, myself? And who was she anyway?  (Let’s hold this thought)

I’ve been in conversation with friends where we project our insecurities onto each other.  You accept it because as the more ‘enlightened one’ you see the bigger picture and respect their process?  When family begins to ‘judge’ you; ‘resent’ you; and loved ones want to attempt to ‘compete’ with you; you tolerate it because you know that they must be going through something and it will eventually work itself out. When people who were once supporters begin to attack you, and ‘agreeing to disagree’ is no longer a viable option, but you accept it because you accept it as part of the ‘game’ you signed up for.  (Let’s hold this thought) 

When death, abuse, disease and long held traumas begin to peer their ugly heads to remind you of your limited time on this plane. When you see loved ones suffering, homeless, sick, dying, abused, children left with no parents.  When you know your love is vast but your resources aren’t.  When you stretch yourself so thin that you no longer respond to emails, phone calls at the pace you once did.  There were activities that I once was so excited for that no longer resonate for me, because of my constant evolution.  It seemed like a great idea in January, but NO, I am no longer interested in going to that concert.  Yes, the book seemed like a great idea a month ago, but I rather read something pertaining to astrology or genetically modified foods.  I am a constant, ever-changing soul that has found her way and unfortunately it is NOT the way in which people know or remember me. I am not sorry for what this loss means for you. For to know me is to know how I’ve struggled and to know those struggles, only an enemy couldn’t find joy in my growth.

You see, I am holding myself to a higher standard.  I want to ALWAYS see the humanity in folks and am committed to treating everyone I come in contact with, with full-respect and honesty.  Mainly, because as long as your heart beats, you remain a wonder and worthy of love.  As a steward of love, I accept that calling..  I don’t ask for ANYTHING in return, except mutual respect..

This means that those games of ‘playing victim’ to make me feel bad, the little jabs you take to send a message when you refuse to ‘use your words’ to communicate, those blatant calls and texts of mine you ignore, the ways in which you feel it’s okay to touch me when you’re upset, lie about me, spread rumors about me, threaten me; if it isn’t centered in love & growth; I NO LONGER speak that language. So you can go fly a kite and go fu&k yourself with all that negative self-talk. I can’t keep holding space for all those thoughts without it depleting me.

You see, with all due respect: colleagues, family, friends, husband, daughter, soul mates: we all have a lot of work to do.  I won’t ever sit here and pretend to be healed because I’ve got a long way to go before I even scratch the surface of progress.  But, I can recognize that I haven’t been living up to the standard in which I know I’m capable of and want to strive to be better.  You can come with me for the ride of growth or you can stay where we’ve been.  I will love you anyway, but for me- settling in the same ol’ same ol’ is NO LONGER a path I’m willing to travel.  I want to be better.  I will be better.  I don’t mean better THAN you, I mean better than I have been to myself and to others.

I scheduled a trip for my spirit in the first week in July where I’ll be traveling alone to New Orleans.  While down there, I will be attending a concert of soul music and only invited my best friends for the concert ONLY.  The rest of the week is to nurture my soul, sit with myself and just be.  I have a lot of releasing to do of the many ways I’ve absorbed other people’s toxic behaviors towards me and in the ways I’ve internalized and perpetuated those vicious cycles. I also have a lot of forgiving to do: of myself & those who’ve demonstrated remorse.

Being a City Councilor while on this spiritual path has been the most exhausting time of my life.  Holding space for others  and not having a place to release those holdings has been tiring.  Having people tell me I’m a diamond, yet ignore and disregard me like rubbish, is brutal.  But what is even more brutal than someone who dares mistreat the Goddess is that their view of whether  I am rubbish or a diamond are irrelevant; what matters is that I KNOW I’m a diamond & never settle for less-than diamond treatment.

This diamond has been in the rough & as she buffs herself to shine; she hopes you do the same.  So we can all shine together.

For those that feel discomfort of my shine; it isn’t your decision to make.

Blessed be, beloveds.

[lovewaveliar]

Why Snape is a cuck

Severus "Snivellus" Snape was an angry, bigoted, racist, & greasy old man who spent his entire life playing the victim when in all actuality he himself was one of the greatest bullies in the Harry Potter franchise. As a teenager he joined a racist cult that would be the wizarding equivalent to being a Nazi. He subsequently became the right hand man to wizard Hitler. As an adult he would have rather let an innocent child and man die in order the save the woman he supposedly loved, although the deaths of the aforementioned characters would have brought her immense grief and suffering. When teaching at Hogwarts Snape was a bully to children by using his position of power to make them suffer for no reason at all other than he was a lonely and horrid man. Although his final moments are painted as some sort of redemption, he truly does not deserve the respect and love so many want to give him in his death. As a child Severus experienced immense neglect and abuse. These actions in no way excuse his actions, but they do help to explain them to an extent. Throughout the series the reader is able to see how a traumatic childhood can shape a person. In Harry the reader can see that, although having spent his formative years neglected, that it is possible to become a successful adult. With Severus, however, the reader sees the victim of abuse further perpetuating the cycle. While an adolescent he first met Lily and Petunia by watching them from the bushes, which totally isn't creepy. Although he was incredibly awkward and socially inept he and Lily became friends. Once at Hogwarts, although separated by houses, Lily and Severus maintained their friendship. The Marauders, James, Sirius, Remus, & Peter, did torment Severus. This bullying does explain why Severus hated the marauders, but that does not excuse his actions towards them as an adult. Lily and Severus shared disgust in James Potter due to his childish bullying. During their fifth year at Hogwarts Severus started to become close to the death eaters in his own house. Lily, a wizard born to muggle parents, was the opposite of what the blood supremacists wanted. Severus made an exception for Lily because he supposedly loved her. She wasn't like the others he looked down upon. This continued up until the day that he called her a Mudblood, a vile slur in the wizarding world. This moment is likely to be where he fully accepted the path he was on into being a racist supremacist. In adulthood, once Lily had married James, Severus had become very important within the regime Voldemort had created. The wizarding world was in the midst of war where Lily & James had to go into hiding to protect their son. During all of this Severus discovered that a child was to be born that would be the one to defeat Voldemort. If this child had actually been Neville, Severus would have allowed him to simply perish. Upon discovering it was Harry that was the chosen one, Severus became a secret agent for Dumbledore for the sole reason of protecting Lily. He explicitly told Dumbledore to only spare the mother, he paid no regard that Harry & James would die. He equally neglected the fact that the deaths of her son & husband would emotionally destroy her. Severus' "love" for Lily was nothing more than the idealized infatuation of a broken man who latched onto the first person who showed him true kindness in his life. He's an example of a pitiful "Nice Guy" who was upset that the girl he was friends with only saw him as a friend. He was selfish in his actions because he believed that his actions would result in Lily finally falling in love with him once the baggage of her husband and child were out of the way. When entering the house where an innocent man had been murdered by Voldemort he stepped over the body and ignored the distraught infant to hold Lily's body. As a professor and head of house at Hogwarts there were a multitude of examples of Severus showing favoritism towards his own house by taking away points from other houses, particularly Gryffindor, and by giving his own house ridiculous additions of points. Further examples from his time in Hogwarts can be shown from all of his interactions with the Golden Trio. He bullied a child, Hermione, about her teeth unto the point that she began to cry. He attempted to poison Neville's pet frog because Neville wasn't doing well in potions and that was his punishment. Luckily the potion was not poisonous, but those actions such as those further created fear in his students. In his third year, when a real Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher came to Hogwarts, it was revealed that Severus to be Neville's greatest fear. Remus Lupin believed that Neville's greatest fear would be Belletrix, the woman who used the Cruciatus Curse on his parents until they were mad and had to become permanent residents of a hospital facility. Neville's greatest fear wasn't the woman that took his parents from him, but it was his own teacher. Snape was the most terrible to Harry for the sole reason that he looked so much like his father. In all honesty, if Harry had been a girl and looked more like Lily, more than likely Snape would have been incredibly kind to him because he would have been, in a disgusting and perverse way, Severus' second chance with Lily. Severus' abuse included more than just the students. When Remus Lupin started as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Severus did all he could to sabotage his career. Severus, while filling in for Lupin, had the students study werewolves in the hopes to have one of the students discover the truth about him. Remus, in the end was one of Lily's best friends, but Severus wanted him to meet a fate worse than death in Azkaban. If Severus had truly cared for Lily he would have protected one of her closest living friends. Severus also wanted to take Sirius back to Azkaban as well. He wanted her friends to suffer. If he truly cared about her he would have protected her friends. Sirius and Remus were both cooperating, but Severus was simply cruel to two men who were innocent. Severus eventually outed Remus as a werewolf and successfully ended his Hogwarts career. He once again did not care about the fact of how much this would have negatively affected Lily if she had been alive. Overall, Severus Snape was nothing more than a sad, pathetic man who made others suffer the way he did. He was a racist man who only cared about the fantasy in his head of winning the girl. When this did not pan out, and he was left alone, he did nothing to right the wrongs of his past. He had the chance to be kind to Harry, a boy who suffered extreme neglect and abuse. He could have had Lily's eyes in his life through Harry, but he was too bitter to do the right thing. He is not worthy of the praise he has received. The fact that Harry named his son after this abusive jerk is ridiculous. Out of all of the amazing & strong people in Harry's life (Arthur Weasley, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Hagrid) the fact that this man was given the title of "bravest man I ever knew" is ridiculous. Honestly he was a fuckboy who was sad that his friend wouldn't suck his dick and he can fuck off. Fucking cuck. So yeah hope you enjoyed the essay turn the fuck up yo.