#she’s unhappy that she can’t be anymore AND I CAN TELL | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

soffsh2 · 6 months ago

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What Once Was

Plot Summary: After Jackie left you for Jeff in your teen years, you’ve done all you could to avoid running into her. You decide to go to your high school’s 25 year reunion once you hear that Jackie wasn’t going to attend. How were you to know she’d show up anyway.

1996

Jackie had been acting strange for the last few days. In fact, it felt like she had been pulling away from you since graduation. You’d gotten to the point where you had to call her friends to see if she was acting as odd with them as she was with you. Though none of them had an answer for you, she was acting the same with everybody else. Only things with you were different.

Earlier in the day, you had called Shauna, telling her that you were going to go talk to Jackie and finally see what was wrong. You had given her time to come to you and explain the reason for how she was acting, but she wouldn’t budge. And the longer it went on, the quieter Jackie became. It almost seemed like she was avoiding you, but she wouldn’t do that to her girlfriend. You were positive that you just needed to assure her that you would both do fine with long distance.

You drove over to the Taylor’s house and found an unfamiliar truck parked where you usually do. Walking up to the house, you could hear the sounds of voices through the open windows. You knock on the front door, expecting Jackie or either of her parents to open it up. You were certainly not expecting the door to open and have you face-to-face with Jeff Sadecki.

He groaned, speaking as he retreated further into your girlfriend's house. “Jackie, can you not have your friends come visit when we’re on a date?” Pfff, a date? Jackie’s parents are probably trying to set them up again. That poor, delusional asshole, you thought. Jackie bounced cheerfully to the door until she saw you standing there. Her face quickly changed, and she hurriedly pushed you outside, closing the door behind you both.

You always thought Jackie’s parents suspected you and her, but you never thought they’d go this far. "Wow, your parents have hit a new low. I mean, setting you up on a date with Jeff Sadecki? Jesus.” You laughed for a second, until you realized Jackie wasn’t laughing with you. Actually, she had the most sympathetic look on her face that she’s ever directed at you. Immediate concern filled your body. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Y/n. My parents didn’t set this up; I did.” Your face dropped instantly. “Jax, what? What’re you talking about?” She tried to hold your hands when she explained herself to you, but you immediately shook yourself out of her grasp. “Y/n… I can’t do this. I can’t be that way. It’s not natural.” You didn’t believe the words that she was saying. Two weeks ago, she was happily in love with you, telling you and every one of her teammates as much. And now, this?

“Jackie, woah, where is this coming from? You felt your throat start to close up. Jackie was slowly trying to move you further from the door, afraid that her parents or Jeff would hear you.

“Please don’t make this more difficult for me than it already is. I don’t want to hurt you; I just can't be like that with you anymore.” She was trying not to make her words sound as harsh as they were, and she was failing horrendously at it. The more she spoke, the more you teared up. Seeing that seemed to send her into even more of a panic as she continued talking. “I don’t like women. I’m meant to be with someone like Jeff. It just makes sense.” She tried to rationalize.

She was about to say more when you heard Jeff’s voice call from inside. “Babe! Get back in here; you’re gonna miss the highlights of my game!” She tried not to look too unhappy before she returned her gaze to you. You could see her face falter when she looked at you, standing on her doorstep crying because of what she did. Whatever sliver of her that felt bad for her actions was swiftly hidden away as she opened her front door once again. She looked at you with a stoic face and sad eyes when she said her last words to you. “Goodbye Y/n.”

Tears cascaded down your cheeks on the drive home. It felt like you were living in a fucking nightmare. It certainly didn’t feel real. Some part of you couldn’t blame her, you had known the pressure her parents put on her. She always seemed like she carried the world on her shoulders, but those were expectations she put on herself. Upon getting home, you immediately ran upstairs and fell into your bed.

You were only home for a few minutes when you got a call on your landline. You wanted to ignore it, but a part of you hoped that it was Jackie calling to tell you it was all a bad joke and she was sorry. You quickly answered. “Hello? Jackie?” Your tone was hopeful, bordering on desperate. “Uh, no?” A different voice fills your ears.

“Oh hi, Shauna.” You couldn't hide the disappointment that laced through your voice when you realized that Jackie wasn’t going to call. “I was just calling to see if you were home already, but I didn’t expect you to be home this soon. What happened at Jackie’s—” The mention of Jackie's name made you breakdown. “Shauna,… she left me.” The other end of the line went quiet before Shauna recovered from her surprise. “She what? No. She wouldn't.” Her voice sounded distant, and she sounded as confused as you felt. “She did. She dumped me for Jeff fucking Sadecki.”

The fact that anyone would view Jeff as an upgrade was comical to Shauna, but she had to stifle her laugh when she heard you speak again. “Is it really that big of an issue for her to love me?” All the emotion was drained from your voice. It made Shauna uncomfortable to hear you like that. “Hold on, I’m coming over.”

Shauna made it to your house in record time. You both just sat in her car as you explained everything through sniffles. For a while, she was waiting for Jackie to pop out and say it was a prank, but no such relief came. She brought no words of comfort for you, Shauna was never good at pep talks. In fact, she would say that the only thing she was good at was brooding. However, she never left you to handle your sadness alone.

If it weren’t for Shauna showing up for you that summer, you weren’t sure how you would have fared. She had become your rock and did everything with you. You were close enough while you were dating her best friend, but this just felt different. There was not a thing you’d do that she wasn’t asking to accompany you with. Good thing too; she would always spot when Jackie and Jeff were nearby before you could see the pair.

She’d saved you a lot of grief for the rest of the summer before you finally got peace when Jackie left for college. No more worrying about bumping into her at your favorite Deli that she’d loved. No possibility of running into her while she was on a date with Jeff. It was a start for everything to become easier for you. A couple weeks had passed, and you were finally feeling okay. You had even begun to forget the reason for your new-found friendship with Shauna.

It was at a coffee shop, about a week before Shauna was to leave for Brown, that it happened. You sat together on the patio of the café, laughing at something that Mari had told her earlier. Shauna’s mother had gotten her a brand new flip phone to go away to college with. She left it on the table after showcasing it to you. All of a sudden, the little thing lights up and rings. You look down and see her name plainly displayed on the screen. Everything came back to you then. You were reminded of the girl who made all of this happen. Shauna looked at the phone, saw the name that flashed on the tiny screen, and excused herself. She was not nearly far enough that you couldn’t hear her whisper yelling at Jackie. Discussing Jackie’s latest argument with Jeff and deflecting every time Jackie asked who Shauna was with, that she had to whisper.

Beyond the reminder of Jackie that day, you had the daunting realization that you couldn’t continue your friendship with Shauna. It was wrong of you to take away and monopolize the time of your ex-girlfriend's best friend. Moreover, realizing you’d have to coexist alongside Jackie still being in Shauna’s life and possibly encountering her in one way or another was enough to make your decision final. After Shauna went to University, you’d stop talking to her.

When Shauna left, she had given you her mailbox number and the number of her new phone, so you could call and write to her often. She left with a smile and yelled at you to promise that you’d call before the end of her first week at Brown. You just smiled at her as her mother drove her away, waving goodbye to her until the old station wagon disappeared from view.

2021

The years drifted by quickly as you tried to forget all about Jackie Taylor and the rest of your old friends in Wiskayok. You were glad to have gone to a college far enough from your hometown, it made it easier to stay there and disappear from everyone. You had tried dating afterwards, but everything seemed so dull in comparison. The feeling of having her love you was something indescribable. To have a random person fill the place that you always thought would belong to Jackie just didn’t feel right. You told yourself you enjoyed the solitude. Convinced yourself that it was your own choice rather than a decision made without your blessings.

You were intent on keeping it that way too, trying not to remember any people from home. But that’s when you got the call. “Hey Y/n, it's Misty, Misty Quigley from high school.” You’re not sure you ever gave Misty your number, so you wonder how she has it now. "Yeah, hi Misty, I remember. How’ve you been?” You say unenthused; you didn’t actually care to know. “Doing good; I’m an attendant at a nursing home. So I’m living the dream! But… I’d be doing better if you came to the reunion this year.”

The words were like a punch to the face. “Misty no—” She’s quick to cut you off. “Come on, Y/n, nobody has seen or heard from you in years; some people probably think you’re dead at this point.” She was practically begging over the phone. “And I am fine to keep it that way, happy even.” You attempt to shut it down again. “Y/n…please. The girls miss you.” That tugged on your heart a little. “Misty, really, I can’t—” She cuts you off yet again with her best argument all evening. “Jackie won’t be there.”

You were well aware that Jackie never misses the opportunity to go to the reunions, and thus you avoided going at all costs. It’s only when Misty sighs and tells you that Jackie cannot attend this year because of some furniture convention in Philadelphia that Jeff was dragging her to that you begrudgingly agreed to go. You hadn’t kept up with your old friends and teammates, just to avoid ever running into Jackie. You rationalized that it’d be nice to see them again with no fear of running into her. And this opportunity probably won’t come again for another 25 years, so you figured you might as well. So you reply to the Facebook invitation that you’ll be attending and prepared yourself.

The day of the reunion approached faster and faster until you found yourself sitting in your car in the parking lot of your old high school, fidgeting with your dress shirt. Practically doing all that you could to stall actually going inside. The whole place reminded you of Jackie. It made you nearly sick to your stomach. All the hurt caused by her leaving you, which despite it all, was still fresh in your mind. The longer you sat, the more anxious you became. Finally, looking down at your phone and seeing the time prompted you to reach for the door handle and get out.

Walking through the doors of Wiskayok High, you had expected it to look different, to have been updated at all in the 25 years since your graduation. But no, it's still the same ratty old hallway in the same broken-down school that you remembered. It brought a slight sense of comfort, knowing that you could likely still navigate your way through the entire high school campus without issue.

Approaching the big, blue and yellow decorated doors, the only thing that separated you from people you hadn’t seen in 20+ years, you felt nauseous. You had to keep telling yourself that Jackie wasn’t here to keep your anxiety at bay. So, with a deep breath, you pushed open the large metal doors. It was decorated as well as a high school gym could be, you supposed. A lot of lights strung up with blue and yellow balloons set on each table.

Right as you enter, you see Misty standing by the photographer and his props. The sound of the closing door can barely be heard over the music playing throughout the gymnasium; however, she could still sense it and turn to see you. The sight brings a large smile to her face as she runs over to lead you to the table with all the other girls.

As you approach a large round table, you could start to make out the familiar faces of your old friends. Their conversation dies down when Natalie notices you, getting up to greet you. “Holy shit…when Misty told us you were coming, we all just thought she was full of it.” You laugh nervously. You still feel tense from being around people you used to know so well but now felt like strangers. “Well, here I am.”

You turn around. “Tai, congratulations on the campaign.” Taissa smiles at you before speaking. “Thank you, Y/n… You look great.” She says it so genuinely. You'd guess that when people haven't seen you in years, they can only assume the worst.

Before you could respond, you’re wrapped in a hug by Shauna, much unlike the moody teen you once knew. “Hey Shipman.” You said as you wrapped your arms around her. You embrace her for a moment before she pulls away and punches you in the arm. Now that’s more like the Shauna Shipman you knew. “You stopped responding to me! Don’t ever do that again; I’ve missed seeing you. I really thought that I would never hear from you again.”

As you gently hold the spot where Shauna laid into your arm, you try to explain yourself. "Shauna, come on, you know I couldn’t keep in touch after everything with...” You gestured to an empty space next to Shauna that, when you were younger, would always be filled by Jackie. Her demeanor changed, and the others went quiet around you as well.

“You know it never sat right with me, what she did.” She defends. “I know, but she needed you. I wasn’t going to get in the way of that.” She looks at you with sad brown eyes. “You still needed me too.” You shrug. “I wasn’t going to ask you to choose me over your best friend.” Shauna opens her mouth to respond before Taissa grabs you by the shoulders and guides you to sit in one of the chairs. “You guys can talk later; we need to hear about what’s been going on in the past 20 years.”

The tension melted away quickly, and you felt as if you'd picked up right where you left off with them. Everyone tells you about what they’ve been up to. You’re most surprised that Shauna has a daughter now. She hit you again when you told her that she never struck you as the nurturing type. It felt so light and perfect, you knew something had to go wrong.

The metal doors have been opening and closing all night, with people going in and out of the gym. So, of course, you paid it no mind when the metal clicked open and shut once more. You were far too intrigued to hear about Natalie’s latest rehab stint to notice the approaching figure until it was too late.

“Hi guys!” A cheery voice breaks through the crowd. You felt like a deer caught in headlights. You didn’t need to look at her to know who it was. You were frozen, all you could hear were some nervous greetings from around the table. By the tense tone in the girls' voices, it seemed they wanted to be swallowed by the ground just as much as you did.

You watched her gaze flit to every person before landing on you. “Hi Y/n.” Her smile shone as brightly as you remember it. If you hadn’t known her like you did, you would’ve assumed she was being fake with you. “Hey Jackie.” Your voice low as you tried to avoid her eyes and take a sip of your drink. Shauna laid her hand on your arm and squeezed reassuringly; the action was not lost on Jackie. You watched her eyes focus on the action, her face hiding a barely contained scowl now. She was about to speak again when Misty spoke up.

You thank every higher power in the sky, as it made Jackie face Misty instead of you. Her green eyes felt like they were burning into your skin the longer she stared. “You said you weren’t coming. The convention?” Misty looked like she felt guilty for putting you in this position. You would’ve thought it was a trap, but you knew Jackie. "Oh, didn’t you get my email? Last week, Jeff decided that he wanted to go alone. So I emailed you, saying that I would be attending after all.”

Jackie was never great at lying. It may not have been obvious to the others, but to you and Shauna, you could read Jackie like a book. You turned to Shauna with a suspicious look, and her face mirrored your own. Misty gave her a confused look. “You didn’t email me.” Jackie feigned surprise. "Oh, silly me, I must’ve written it up but never sent it.” She turned to the table with a ‘what can you do’ expression and a shrug as she moved to sit down. She took the open chair directly across from you. God, it’d be hard to avoid eye contact with her now.

"So, Y/n I haven't heard from you in ages; are you married?” Jackie never had tact when she wanted something, but the sheer audacity to ask stunned you. Everyone else seemed to have the same sentiment as you because the girls all avoided eye contact. Shauna tried to scold Jackie, but that only encouraged her to persist further with you. To cease the girls bickering, you gave her an answer. “Uh, no, Jackie. I’m not.” She tried to push a small smile from her face when she responded. “Oh, really? That’s too bad.”

At that, Taissa pushed herself from the table, stating that she was going to go get a plate of something to eat. Natalie and Misty both followed her, seeming to find the encounter too awkward to bear. “So, why aren’t you on Facebook?” Jackie continued to pry.

“I am; I just have a few people blocked.” You didn’t leave anything up for interpretation with your tone. Shauna laughed beside you. She seemed to have read the hint immediately, while Jackie was still catching up. You knew, however, exactly when she figured it out because she instantly pouted. The slight against her did nothing to dissuade her efforts, though. She was as persistent as ever; you could give her that much.

"So, to be clear, you’re not dating anyone? Right?” That was the last straw. You got up from the table, stating that you were going to find the food Tai was referring to. As you left the table, you could hear Shauna chastise Jackie quietly. You couldn’t make out much, but you did hear the distinct sound of Jackie complaining before you were out of earshot. “What Shauna? It’s not like I could check on her Facebook.”

You stayed by the buffet table for a few minutes, making idle chatter with whoever recognized you. Anything to avoid being stuck with Jackie at the table. However, it didn't take long for her to grow bored and go searching for you. She appeared out of nowhere; it almost startled you. It was as if one second you were alone, and the next she was beside you, already opening her mouth to yap.

“Crazy bumping into you. Now that I have you here, you never answered that question back there.” You rolled your eyes and did your best to ignore her. "Oh, come on, Y/n. You never come to these; I just wanna catch up!” You had about had it. Turning to face her completely, you drop the niceties.

“Cut the shit Jackie, you and I both know you’re lying. Why are you really here?” Jackie stands there a little stunned; you’d never snapped like that at her while you were dating. "I, uh… well, I saw that you responded to the Facebook invite and that you were coming. And I just wanted to see you and maybe talk to you.” You don’t have the energy for her right now. “There’s nothing to talk about, Jackie. I don’t want explanations or apologies. Just leave me alone.” You turned and walked back to the table where Shauna was seated alone.

You sighed as you sat down next to her, with your head in your hands. Shauna leaned over and rubbed your back. She was doing her best to give you some semblance of comfort. She knew this was a lot for you; she didn’t have to say it. It was painfully obvious and awkward enough to send your other three friends running to interact with literally anyone else. When you brought your head back up, you could see Jackie staring at the two of you. She looked so insecure as she stood right where you left her. Shifting uncomfortably on her feet, she looked like a kicked puppy. You laid your head in your hands again and groaned.

“I don’t know what to do, Shauna; she won’t stop with me.” Your voice came out muffled from your hands. You could hear Shauna sigh next to you, and her hand dropped from your back. "Yeah, she was never great with the word ‘no'.” She laughed. You huffed out a small laugh as well.

You heard a click of heels on the gym floor coming at you and looked up. You saw Jackie marching over to the table with renewed vigor. She stood directly at your side and placed her hands on her hips when she addressed you. “Y/n I really think we should talk about what happened.” She said it in the exact tone that she would always do when you were teenagers. The same tone that got you to straighten up and do exactly what she said.

You were getting so frustrated with her. You’d just wanted a moment of peace away from her, and she couldn’t seem to respect that. Fuck it. You stood, turned to Shauna, and offered her your hand. “You wanna dance?” A look of surprise crossed her face, but upon seeing your expression of determination, she smiled and delicately placed her hand in yours. “I’d love to.” She rose from her seat, and you led her to the dance floor, leaving Jackie with a look of utter shock as you brushed past her.

You enjoyed your time with Shauna, laughing together as you moved around the dance floor. Every now and then, when you spun her, you’d get a look behind her at the table. The table where you’d see Jackie sitting alone, miserably gazing at you and her best friend dancing. Jackie was downing her drinks quickly. She’d kept pouring herself more drinks from the punch bowl to drown her sorrows. The punch bowl that sat in the middle of the table, the one that Natalie had definitely spiked earlier in the night. You tried to not let the image of Jackie sitting sad and alone because of your actions burn itself into your brain.

“I know what you’re doing.” Shauna’s voice made you shift your gaze away from Jackie. “Huh?” You attempted to play dumb. She rolled her eyes. “If you’re trying to get a reaction out of her, you’re doing a good job.” You straightened up, and Shauna gave you a look like she knew she’d nailed exactly what you were up to. “I think that Jackie brought this onto herself.” You deflected. Shauna shrugged before smirking at you. "Oh, she definitely did.” She leaned in closer and whispered in your ear. “But next time, let me know, and I can help you drive her up a wall.” You can’t fight the grin that took over your face. You spun her again as you spoke. "Well, she always did seem to get a little jealous when it came to us, Shippy.”

An hour had passed while you continued to dance with Shauna until a brash voice broke you both apart. “Sorry to interrupt you, lovebirds.” You and Shauna turned to Nat, with a visibly drunk Jackie being dragged behind her. “‘Lovebirds?’” Jackie questioned with a pout. “Jesus.” You muttered as they got closer.

Nat all but tossed Jackie into Shauna, and Jackie instantly melted into the form of her best friend. “She’s a mess. She needs to go home.” Jackie attempted to mumble something in protest, but it was muffled with her face in Shauna's shoulder. Natalie looked at Shauna expectantly. "Oh, I didn’t drive here; Callie dropped me off. And she hasn’t answered any of my texts, so I think she’s asleep.” Then both Shauna and Nat looked to you.

"Oh, come on.” You immediately protested. “I’m sorry, Y/n. You drove here and you barely had anything to drink; it’s the safest option.” Shauna being against you for this argument felt like a small betrayal to you. Shauna was right, and you didn't necessarily want anything bad to happen to anyone on their ride home. But that didn't mean you should have to be the one to take her home. “No, you know how I feel about her.” Jackie lifted her head and body from Shauna to complain. “Hey, I’m right here.” Natalie halfheartedly pushed her back into Shauna, and Jackie fell right back into her place on Shauna.

“No Shauna.” You tried to say it in a tone that left no room for debate, but of course Shauna persisted. “Y/n please? I’ll even go too. You’d actually be doing me a favor since I need a ride.” You were about to object further; tell her ‘no way’ when you looked at Jackie. She hadn’t stopped staring since she was brought over. Her eyes were so sad, and her leaning up against Shauna like she had no legs of her own made her look utterly helpless. You couldn’t fight the soft spot you still had for her, and when you looked at Shauna, it just solidified it more. You knew you weren’t going to be on the winning side of this argument. “Fine… FINE. I’ll do it.” Shauna, who you’re sure would’ve reached out and squeezed your hand if it hadn’t been holding Jackie’s form upright, mouthed a thank you.

You gathered your things and led Shauna, who was still supporting her best friend, to your car. As soon as you went to unlock the back door for Shauna to slide Jackie into, Jackie found enough drunken athleticism to slide over to the passenger's side door. You looked warily at Shauna, who halfheartedly tried to bring Jackie to the backseat. As soon as Jackie started whining about how she didn’t want to sit in the back, Shauna conceded and got into your back seat instead. You rolled your eyes. You really didn’t want to be stuck up front with Jackie, but it seemed you had no choice. You took a deep breath before getting into your seat and pulling out of the parking spot.

The ride was quiet; for the most part, you and Shauna occasionally spoke and reminisced about things you did together that last summer before college. You almost forgot about Jackie sitting silently in the passenger's seat, or you would have if she wasn’t staring at you and Shauna as you spoke fondly about times that didn’t include her. You were about to turn to head towards Jackie’s house when Shauna spoke up.

“Y/n, I hate to do this to you, but is there any way you can drop me off first?” You gave her a look in the rear view mirror that said, ‘Are you kidding me?’ Shauna looked at you sympathetically. You knew she didn’t want to do this to you on purpose. “I know, I’m sorry. I just need to make sure Callie’s alright; I haven’t left her alone this long since before her dad left.” You roll your eyes but adjust to head towards Shauna’s house.

When you pulled up to Shauna’s house, you could see there was a light on upstairs. Shauna sighs and mutters something under her breath about Callie being up at this hour and not texting her back. She scooted over and wrapped her arms around Jackie from behind the seat. "Night, Jax, see you soon.” She then got out and walked over to your door, then waited outside it for a moment with an expectant look on her face. “Aren’t you going to walk me to the door?” You smiled at the sentiment and got out, leaving the car door open, before you walked Shauna up to her porch. She enveloped you in a hug before you could utter a word of farewell.

She pulled back before speaking. “You are not allowed to not talk to me for more than a week, ever again. You hear me?” You laughed. “I’m serious, Y/n.” Shauna continued. “I promise I'll keep in touch, Shauna.” You said, genuinely. “You better.” She leaves you with a lingering kiss on your cheek before heading inside. When you turned to walk back to your car, you saw that Jackie watched the entire interaction. She had such a sad look on her face when you walked back, you felt like you were caught doing something that you weren't supposed to.

After you got back into the car, there was only a beat of silence before Jackie spoke up. “So you’re not, like… in love with Shauna now, right?” There was a hesitance in her voice; all her insecurity was laced into that one question. “What? Jackie, that's—” You tried, but she cut you off. “Cause I hope she likes my sloppy seconds.” She had rolled down the window to scream the sentiment out towards Shauna’s house, as if Shauna would hear her behind the closed door. You hastily pulled her back in, scrambling a little. You were very aware of how much noise Jackie was making at such a late hour; however, Jackie wasn’t while she was in her drunken state. “Jesus Jackie, shhhh. What’s wrong with you?” Jackie sat back in the passenger's seat with a pout and folded her arms. “I just don’t appreciate the way she’s been acting with you.”

“You don’t get to feel any way about how anyone acts with me. You lost that right a long time ago. Now let’s just go home, please.” Jackie lays her head back against the headrest and closes her eyes as she protests. “Noooooo.” How did you used to put up with her whining daily? This was exhausting. "No, seriously, Jackie. We have to go; it’s late, and I want to go to bed.” She continued drunkenly complaining. “I don’t wannaaaa.” You were desperate to not be alone with her anymore, so you tried to say something that would make her relent.

“Jackie, please, you have to go home. Jeff will be worried about you.” She shook her head against the window, practically falling asleep in your passenger's seat. You sighed. Of course, she was being stubborn with you. Twenty-five years of not talking, and she still acted the same. “What do you mean? Yes, he will.” You wouldn’t know; you don’t know how Jeff is, but it hurt more the longer that you stayed around Jackie, and you just needed to get away from her. She only laughed humorlessly at your comment as she slumped further into the seat. “Nuh-uh… Me and Jeff aren’t together anymore.”

The confession hit you like a ton of bricks, so much so that it left you speechless for a moment. “What? Are you serious?” She nodded, her eyes still closed. “Mhmm.” You had a million things that you wanted to ask—how, why—but the only thing that left your mouth was, “Do the others know?”

Only at this did her eyes slowly open, and she just stared vacantly down the dark street. “Nope.” Popping the ‘p’ when she said it. “Why?” She still refused to make eye contact with you when she answered. “The girls would just yell at me… Tell me that I hurt you for nothing. And I did; I know that. I don't have to have them tell me that I ruined the only good thing I’ve ever had when I left you.” You sat in silence for a beat, looking down at the steering wheel, as you tried desperately to process all that she said.

You turned back to face her when she continued speaking, finding her already looking at you for the first time during the whole conversation. “I’m sorry, by the way. For what I did. I really wish I was a better person for you; you deserved it.” Her eyes were illuminated by the glow of the street lights, showing that she was tearing up.

A younger version of yourself would have hopped over the center console to hug her the second you saw her anywhere close to crying. The most that the current you could muster was to break the intense eye contact and utter a half-hearted "Yeah, well… we can’t change the past.” There was a pause in conversation; the air was tense now that Jackie had aired out all her dirty laundry. Her voice was low as she resumed speaking. “I wish I wasn’t afraid of what would’ve happened with us. Maybe I’d be happy now. We probably would’ve had a good life.” You put the car in drive, as you replied. “Yeah, maybe.”

You drive to Jackie’s childhood home, having memorized its path from every corner of Wiskayok. You wanted to ask so much more, but debated whether it would upset her. Jackie, who seemed almost sober now, is slumped against the passenger door, looking out the window. She spoke, but you were too lost in thought to hear it. “I’m sorry, what was that?” She sighed. “I said, I know you. You obviously want to ask something. Go ahead; it won’t make me sad.” Her bluntness caught you by surprise, but then again, what about her didn’t nowadays?

“Well, how long has it been?” You don’t need to say what the question was pertaining to for Jackie to know what you meant. It’s a bittersweet feeling to know that, despite everything, she could still read you and know what you were thinking so well. She took a deep breath before she answered. “Almost a year now. It's why I wasn’t going to come this year; I couldn't face anyone. Not when I haven’t worked up the courage to tell them.” You nodded along as you continued driving. “Was there a reason?” She hesitated and turned to face you before she answered.

“Yeah, I just never could get over you. I still haven't, and I don’t think I ever will.” She said it so candidly that you were hoping you didn’t hear her correctly. You wanted to ignore the mixed feelings bubbling into your stomach, because now all of what she said the whole night was more than just high school nostalgia. More than simple ‘What if’ scenarios, and more than hints for you to read into. That was an admission, and you were so upset that that realization happened this late in her life. Now she had you thinking that you actually could have been happy together this whole time. You were so caught up that you almost flew past Jackie’s house.

You don’t say anything as you break and put the car in park. You kept looking at the steering wheel while Jackie tried desperately to meet your eyes, silently pleading for you to say something. All that you could think was that it was all for nothing. You were mostly afraid it was still the alcohol talking. You didn't want to get your hopes up for something that was only going to be true for as long as the booze was in her system.

“I think you should leave.” Jackie’s face dropped at your reaction, and almost immediately tears started to roll down her cheeks. “What? Y/n, no.” You still avoided her eyes. “Please, this isn't a conversation I want to have after you’ve been drinking. It’s best that you go inside.” At that, she braced herself in your car. “I’ve sobered up; please, can we talk about this?” She begged.

“Jackie, you have to get out of the car.” It took the last shred of your will to try to turn her away one more time. Jackie’s voice was hoarse as she yelled back at you. "No, I can’t. I can’t leave because if I get out, then I’ll never see you again, and it’s all my fault.” She was beyond being consoled by words. She was sobbing so much, you felt awful for upsetting her. Up until that point, you were doing your best not to get sucked in, but how could you deny her?

“Okay, okay.” You relented. You got out of the car, and for a moment, Jackie had a look of panic on her face, seeming ready to chase after you if you left her. You got to the passenger’s door, and as soon as you opened the door, Jackie grabbed onto you and held you in a hug. You mustered up the calmest voice that you could when you spoke next. “I’m sorry.” She sobbed into your shoulder, mumbling, “Please don’t leave.” over and over.

“Please, can you stay tonight? Can we just go inside and pretend that I didn’t mess it all up?” She sniffled into your shirt. You nodded, slowly rubbing her back while you tried to soothe her. When you were younger, you’d dreamt about this scenario and getting to tell Jackie ‘no.’ But that didn’t happen. Truth be told, you don’t think it took more than a second of thought. "Yeah, we can do that, Jax.”

Once she had calmed down, you gradually began to let her go while whispering gently for her to go inside. She grabs your hand as she guides you through a house that was once so familiar to you. Jackie had moved and changed some things around, but it still looked relatively the same.

She pulled you toward her old childhood bedroom. Something about it felt so different. But not much was changed aside from her replacing the pink carpeting with a gray color. It felt almost like a betrayal to change something that was once so sacred to you both. An escape from her parents, a place where you could kiss her safely. It all felt foreign, even if it was the same room you had snuck into countless times just to fall asleep together. Jackie had always hated sleeping alone. You guessed that never changed based on the situation you found yourself in now.

Your musings were interrupted by Jackie tapping your arm. You turned and found Jackie with an embarrassed look on her face. She faced away and showed that she was struggling to fully unzip her dress from the evening. You rolled your eyes as she held her hair up with one hand, assuring it wouldn’t be in the way. Gently holding her shoulder with one hand, you slowly pulled the zipper down with the other. As her dress was being undone, more and more of her back was being exposed to you. It was intimate; she knew it. She could still read you like the back of her hand, so she knew exactly what she was doing.

Once the dress was fully unzipped, your hand slowly dropped from her shoulder, softly tracing Jackie’s skin in its descent. She turned and looked right into your eyes. She didn’t break eye contact with you when she reached up and looped her arms around your neck. As if it were second nature, you placed your hands on her waist. “I’ve really missed you.” She spoke in a whispered tone, as if there were any other people around to hear you. The only time her eyes left yours was to glance at your lips. Her intentions were obvious, and you were never that strong-willed when it came to denying Jackie something that she wanted.

You found yourself leaning in before you could give it a second thought. The urge to fall right back into place with Jackie was too difficult to deny. Jackie notices the action and moves to meet you in the middle. Once you were only an inch from each other's lips, you felt Jackie pull you the rest of the way into her. Her lips pressed roughly against yours, trying to convey every emotion she still felt for you.

Her hands move from your neck to thread into your hair. The grip you had on her waist tightened, and you brought her body closer to you. Jackie let out a small moan at the contact. After years of not hearing it, the noise sounded heavenly. It only spurred you on further. You backed her up against the nearest wall, and Jackie made a small sound when she hit it. Her dress was slipping further and further down her body as you kept going. The noises Jackie was making, the way she'd occasionally ground her hips into you, searching for friction. You knew where this was heading, and as lovely as that idea was, you knew you needed to stop. Everything in you wanted to continue, but you knew you had to separate to avoid taking it further too quickly. You pulled away, leaving a few chaste kisses on her lips to avoid seeing her pout.

When you both pulled apart, she was panting heavily. Once Jackie caught her breath, her face broke out into the largest smile. She always used to smile like that after kissing you when you were younger. You had to admit that it made you happy to see that you still had that effect on her. Jackie disappeared into her bathroom to get into her pajamas. It was at this point that you became painfully aware that you were still in your clothes from the reunion. You tried to adjust your clothing to be able to sleep in it.

Jackie came out of the bathroom while you were attempting to make your clothes as comfortable as possible. “Hold on!” She disappeared from the room with a smile on her face. You could hear her footsteps retreat, some fumbling sounds from the hallway, and her footsteps returning. She came back with a box in her hands. After she placed it on the floor and opened it up, you could see that it was full of your old clothes.

“You kept all these?” You said in astonishment as you sifted through all the clothes she stole from you years ago. She suddenly seemed bashful, watching you go through your old sports apparel and flannels. “I—uh, yeah, it’s always good to have some extra clothes lying around.” After finding a shirt and sweats that you found suitable for the night, you looked at Jackie. She nervously fiddled with her fingers before she continued speaking. “They actually still smelled like you for a long time after... everything. And it was nice, you know, to have some reminders of you still here. But just so you know, this is just a loan. I want those clothes back.” You smiled at her, getting up to give her a hug before you went to change.

After you got into your old clothes that still miraculously fit very well, you crawled into her bed. Jackie hit the lights and walked over to the other side of the bed. You felt all the nostalgia hit you as you laid down on the soft sheets while Jackie climbed in as well. Her sheets and pillows smelled like her; it's comforting but brings a pit to your stomach at the same time. Laying in bed next to the love of your life for the first time in twenty-five years will do that to you, you guessed.

You laid flat on your back as Jackie curled into your side. She maneuvered your arm to hold her, effectively trapping herself against you. You both lay in the quiet of the dark room; the only light in the room was shining in from the streetlight outside. Jackie gingerly played with your fingers as you both sat in fulfilled silence. After a few minutes, Jackie turned her head to face to lay on your chest and held your torso.

She was barely awake when she whispered to you. “Promise me that you’ll still be here when I wake up.” Her voice was muffled from her face being pressed against your chest. She said it so delicately, pleading with you. You were so caught up in the fondness of the moment that you took a beat to answer. After not immediately receiving an answer, Jackie opened her eyes and looked up at you. The sleepy expression on her face was wiped away, and you could see just how scared she was of never seeing you again. You'd do anything to never see her afraid like that again.

“I promise.” She took you in once more before leaning in and gently kissing you. It was innocent and lazy, kissing you just because she missed doing it. As if she were making up for lost time. Your heart thumped with an unearned feeling of domesticity.

It only took a moment for Jackie to detach from you. She rolled to face away from you but scooched herself back to be flush against you. You took the hint and wrapped your arm around her waist. You could feel the grin that Jackie had on her face without even seeing it. She then placed her hand over yours and laced her fingers in between yours. No more than a minute or two later, Jackie fully relaxed into you. Her breathing slowly evened out as she fell asleep, still keeping a tight grip on you.

Tomorrow, you’d plague yourself with the questions of what this meant for you and Jackie going forward. As for tonight, you just missed the feeling of holding her while you slept, and you’re not prepared to continue on without experiencing it every night. The rhythmic sound of her breathing and the smell of her conditioner brought a comfort to you that you had long forgotten.

#jackie taylor x reader #yellowjackets x reader #yellowjackets x you

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lemonlover1110 · 1 year ago

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𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐬

Satoru Gojo

[Chapter 13] No Regrets

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Pairing: Satoru Gojo x f!Reader

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Kissing your ex-boyfriend back shouldn’t feel so wrong, yet it does. But you can’t pull away because your lips are stuck on him. He deepens the kiss, his tongue gliding over your bottom lip before it enters your mouth. It should be your sign to pull away, but you can’t move.

Your tongue presses against his, while his hands stop cupping your face and they move down to your waist, pulling your whole body closer to him. The five years of pent up frustration are poured into the kiss from both of your ends. You know something though, that once it escalates neither of you will stop and you don’t want to do something you’ll regret.

When he pulls away to kiss lower, you get a glance at his eyes and it makes your stomach churn. You can’t do that with him. Never again. Your hands go to his arms and you unhook his arms from your waist. You take a deep breath, in disbelief that this is what’s happening– What you allowed to happen.

“That’s a funny answer considering you left me to get married to her.” You point out. You have nothing to say to him, and Satoru takes a moment to gather his thoughts. You have to work more, but you doubt you’ll be able to after what just happened. He’ll understand if you leave.

Actually, you don’t care if he doesn’t understand. Satoru is clearly not someone that understands your feelings, and you’re tired of considering how he feels when he can’t keep that same energy toward you.

“I’m leaving. We can do the rest tomorrow during work hours.” You tell him, and he watches as you walk away. He’s glued to the ground, and maybe he should follow to stop you but he can’t.

All the progress you’ve made crumbles to the ground, and he watches it fall right before his eyes. Yet he isn’t too sad. There’s a smile on his lips as his index and middle finger touches his mouth. When you slam the door shut, he’s knocked back into reality and he walks back to his desk. He puts the picture frame that he has of his wife down and opens his desk drawer to pull out a picture.

Eighteen-year-old Satoru with his new girlfriend, right before Satoru leaves for the airport to start his studies abroad. Maybe he should’ve stuck around, gone to the same university as you, things would surely be different. He probably would’ve still been married, but not to Sayo. He probably wouldn’t be in this position though, and now with how unhappy Satoru is, he doesn’t mind the thought. He would leave it within a heartbeat to get back with you, but of course that isn’t possible anymore.

If only he could go back in time and knock some sense into his younger self… But he can’t and he’s left to deal with the consequences of his actions.

You hate coming home so late to find your son sound asleep. It feels like you’re missing so much of his life and it reminds you of yourself, wishing you could spend more time with your own mother who obviously couldn’t since she was working. At least you had Satoru, Ren doesn’t have anyone other than the nanny. You need to quit soon, make an arrangement with Mrs. Gojo about bills and stuff, knowing that she’ll do anything for her grandson. She won’t let you go that easily though.

“I love you, baby.” You mutter as you kiss his temple. You pick him up from the bed and carry him to your room. It won’t matter much, by the morning you’ll be gone. You wonder if he’s beginning to like the nanny better than he likes you simply because he spends so much time with her. The thought does make you feel jealous, so you try to get it out of your head.

At the very least you have to take a vacation with him, go somewhere he really wants to go so you can make more memories together. You don’t want to take the role of his absent mother as well, his father already has that role. Maybe you can take him to the beach before summer is over… That would have to be soon though, fall is just around the corner.

You tuck him into the bed before looking in your drawers for your pajamas and then going to the bathroom to get ready to go to bed. It’s past midnight, and you have to get up early too. You feel so tired yet you know you won’t sleep. The only thought in your mind is Satoru and how he had the audacity to kiss you.

Yet you feel happy. You feel happy because you still deeply care about him even when you try not to. You remind yourself that what he did is wrong since he’s married, even when he acts like he doesn’t care about the marriage. You want no part in whatever the hell is going on there, you’ll be the one that ends up losing if anything happens.

You waste no time doing your nightly routine, cutting some steps since you want to get into bed fast. When you get out of the bathroom, you find Ren sitting up on the bed. He looks around confused, wondering how he ended up in this room. Until he notices you, causing him to get off the bed and run over to hug you. You hug him back, a big smile coming to your face.

“Hi, mommy.” He says. You hadn’t seen him in more than a day, he deeply misses you.

“Hi, Ren.” You answer, you pick him up and carry him back to the bed. “I missed you, baby. I promise we’ll spend a whole entire week together soon.”

“I missed you too.” He responds, his little eyes closing on their own. You tuck him in again, kissing his forehead. You lay down beside him, and you hug him. Thankfully it doesn’t take too long for you to fall asleep.

The next morning you get to work a little later than you’re supposed to, and you’re expected to encounter an enraged Satoru but you don’t care. You’re absolutely done with him, and if he dares to fire you, you’ll leave without a single complaint. The last thing you expect to find there is a vase of white lilies, but that’s what you’re met with.

You don’t have to think twice about who left them there, you immediately know they’re from Satoru. You still look for a card, and it’s buried within the flowers. You read ‘I’m sorry’ with no name, but you can also tell it’s him since it’s his handwriting. You bury it in the same spot before walking to the office. You knock on the door, and you don’t care to get a response before opening it.

“I was wondering when you’d get here.” Satoru says, looking at you as you walk into the office. You shut the door behind you before asking,

“What was the apology for?” And it feels like an eternity for him to answer the question. You know it’s for the kiss but you want to hear it from him. You need him to assure you that it won’t happen again even if part of you wants it to happen again.

“For kissing you.” He answers, and you smile at him. When you’re about to thank him for the apology because you didn’t think he’d be mature enough to take this step. But he opens his mouth again, “Even though I don’t regret it.”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but you’re married, Mr. Gojo.” You can’t believe you have to remind him. You truly thought that the man in front of you would result in a loyal husband, either to you or someone else. You didn’t think he’d stoop so low. “You left me to be with her, and now you want to do that to her with me? You’re ridiculous.”

“I guess you’re right��” He begins and you hate the way he starts his response. You can’t hear the rest before you snap,

“You guess? You have no idea how much you’ve hurt me, Satoru. The least you can do is act like a man and stick by your decision.” You slightly raise your voice at him, not caring that you’re in a work setting because he obviously doesn’t care about it. “Look, I don’t give a shit if you want to cheat on her but keep me out of it. You aren’t going to toy with me.”

“Why are you acting like you didn’t give in? You could’ve pulled away immediately but you didn’t.” He argues, and you sigh. He isn’t wrong, but this isn’t about if you did kiss him back or not. You don’t want this to happen again.

“I was tired and didn’t know what I was doing. You initiated it.” You remind him. Your blood begins to boil, and you didn’t think that you’d be having this argument this morning. You didn’t expect any less from him, you aren’t sure why you’re surprised.

“You knew exactly what you were doing–” He begins but the office door opens, and you both turn your attention to the woman that walks inside. His wife stuns, wearing a long black leather skirt with a red blouse. She smiles when she sees you and then at her husband.

“Sorry, I didn’t see anyone so I welcomed myself in.” Sayo says, and you glare at Satoru. You aren’t thinking straight. You and Satoru exchange a look for a minute before you look back at his wife.

“Your husband kissed me last night.” You tell her, and her brows raise. The moment the words leave your mouth you curse yourself for being dumb enough to tell on him– You know how this situation plays out, and you’ll probably be berated even though you aren’t at fault for it. She looks at her husband and then back at you.

“Oh… Okay.” She responds. She looks at her husband, and she keeps staring at him. She clears her throat before asking you in a calm manner, “Could you please leave us for a moment?”

You nod before walking out of the office, cursing yourself for even mentioning it. You want to listen in on their conversation, but in the end it doesn’t matter. The feeling of regret slowly washes away though when you take a seat in your chair. You won’t be affected negatively if you’re fired, after all, Mrs. Gojo is the grandmother of your child. She might not like you, but she won’t let it happen. Even if it happens, she has enough to cover for you and your son.

She won’t take Ren from you because she doesn’t want her son to find out about him, so you’re sure that you’re safe. You’ll be okay even if you get fired.

You try to focus on your job while you still have it, looking up every minute or so to see if Sayo walks out of the office. When she finally does, you tense up. She walks over to you, and you expect her to start yelling at you. But she doesn’t.

“I’m really sorry about him… I have no idea what’s gotten into him.” She apologizes. She looks around for a moment before she lowers her voice, “Could you do me a favor and keep this a secret between us? I don’t want the wrong rumors to spread.”

“Of course, Mrs. Gojo. No worries.” You respond.

“Please call me Sayo, we’re friends.”

Surprisingly enough, Satoru doesn’t need you for the rest of the day. He’s called into a meeting that takes up the entire day, and you’re left to handle everything for the charity event. You can’t verify everything with him, and you choose what you feel is right. Handling all of it alone makes you wonder when you’ll be sent back to work with Shoko, and when Mrs. Gojo will finally get a new secretary for his son. You doubt it’ll happen any time soon.

Most of the afternoon you find yourself staring at the flowers that he left on your desk, and you find yourself indecisive as to what to do with them. They’re beautiful, yet you don’t want them simply because Satoru left them for you.

The fact that Satoru isn’t there, lets you clock out earlier so you can head home to your son. Unluckily for you, just when you’re about to leave, he gets to the office. He leaves the door open so you peek your head in before telling him, “I’m leaving.”

“No. Come inside. We have to talk.” His voice is stern, and while you feel like talking back to him, you feel like you’ve done enough. You’ll just hear him out, and then tell him that you need to drop the subject. What happened last night can’t happen again.

“What is it?” You try to suppress the attitude in your voice but it’s hard to. Luckily for you, he only talks about your job, and he doesn’t bring up the fact that you told his wife that he kissed you. When he verifies everything, he dismisses you.

You rush to the elevator when he does, you don’t want to be there for when he changes his mind. While you wait for the elevator, he walks and stands beside you, but luckily he’s leaving too. You almost choose the stairs to avoid going into the elevator with him, but in the end, you get inside with him.

It’s weird that you’re alone in the lift since so many people are inside it at this hour. But it’s empty now. You stand on opposite sides, and you watch as the elevator doors close. You almost comment on how weird it is to see him leave so early, but you don’t want to initiate any conversation with him.

You glance at each other for a moment, and he clears his throat, putting his hands in his pockets before he shares, “You didn’t get me in trouble, if that’s what you’re wondering. Sayo doesn’t care.”

“What a shame.” You answer, your eyes focused on the tiny screen that tells you which floor the elevator is on. Your response earns a low chuckle from the man. You look at him again, and he’s staring at you.

You look at his eyes, and they immediately remind you of your son. You almost feel guilty as you gaze into his eyes. You’re keeping something so massive from him, something that he wanted as much as you did. You had no way of telling him then, but now he’s in front of you and you choose to keep quiet. You weren’t at fault at first but now you are.

“I’m sorry.” The words slip out of your mouth unintentionally, and of course he doesn’t know what you’re apologizing for. You watch his eyes soften, and he genuinely laughs.

“What? For telling her?” He asks, and you chew on the inside of your cheek, unsure of how to respond. You can’t admit what you’re sorry for. He moves closer to you, close enough for you to touch but he doesn’t. “It’s fine. You did the right thing. I was out of line.”

“That’s nice to hear.” You respond. You stare at each other in silence until the elevator doors open. Before you can walk away he says,

“But I still don’t regret it.”

#[changes]#gojo saturo #satoru gojo #gojou satoru x you #jjk satoru #gojou satoru x reader #jujutsu kaisen gojo #jjk gojo #gojo angst #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #gojo satoru #jujutsu gojo #gojo x reader #gojo fanfic

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dumbkiri · 3 months ago

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𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐒𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝟐

Highly requested and I am so sorry it took forever to get this out. I'm still a bit unhappy with this work and I need to get back into the Batboys and their behaviors lol

For now enjoy this part two of Blood Siblings

"You need to strike with more force, [Name]. I haven't seen you this bored since Damian left," Her instructor, Ali, looked at her with his dark brown eyes. His arms fell down at his sides and he set the bottom of his staff down. “Is there anything you-”

“I saw my brother when I left for that short period of time,” [Name] said with her head held down in shame. Her eyes had shown conflict swirling around in the light of the early sun. Her mind was elsewhere and not in her morning training. Her hands wrapped up in white tape screamed at her to use them to fight.

Her hands knew nothing besides fighting and killing.

Not even the feeling of someone holding it with care and security.

“And I saw my father. Zhao was going to kill them, but I put a stop to it.”

She looked up at her instructor and he had his mouth wide open. Then he walked up to her at a brisk pace and set his hands on her shoulder, he whispered, “Does your mother know about this? If she finds out—“

“I can handle her punishment, Ali, so there’s no need to worry.” [Name] said looking up at Ali to reassure him. Talia wasn’t the greatest mother, she rarely showed any affection toward her. But she did have her moments. “Damian looked at me in disgust as if I was the one who did something bad. I killed our enemy and saved them by being overrun. So why?”

Ali moved back and set his hands on his hips in thought. He put his hand under his chin and said, “It’s because he doesn’t have that drive to kill anymore. We don’t have to fight our enemies over and over again because we put an end to their lives. Damian fights in a different way, one that doesn’t really benefit him.”

“But killing is wrong to him and…” [Name] looked at Ali and whispered to him, “My father said that I was welcomed. That I could be there with him, with my brother.”The hopeful look in her eyes shattered upon seeing her instructor’s face.

Ali’s eyes grew big and wide as saucers. He shook his head in denial and replied to her ridiculous statement, “You can’t do that, [Name]. Your mother will hunt you down and punish you. Talia will not forgive you for running away, she already gave up on one of her children. She won’t give up on you.”

[Name] knew Ali was right, maybe that’s why she had this terrible feeling in her gut. She could never be free. She felt like a lioness trapped in a cage pacing back and forth memorizing the perimeter. “I know that, Ali.”

“You know what?” A curt voice cut through their conversation.

[Name] and Ali turned their attention to Talia who stood at the entrance of the training area. The daughter sighed and showed her bandaged hands to her mother, “Ali was reminding me that I should strike with more force. But I don’t know how hard I’m hitting when I can’t feel the pain.”

“Obviously not hard enough if your instructor is telling you,” Talia put her hands on her hips leaning on her right leg. Her eyes were dead set on [Name] and the younger female felt suspicious of her mother. Ali noticed the tension and he brought out some tape taking [Name]’s shaky hands in his. “[Name] let me rewrap your hands. It seems the ones you are wearing are too bloody.”

[Name] pulled her hand back and said, “I’m fine, Ali. Let’s continue with-”

“No.” Talia said sternly. The older female walked down the stairs with a dark look across her face. Ali immediately took a step back feeling the wrath from Talia come off in waves. [Name] felt it too, but she stood her ground. She wasn’t going to back down from her mother. She would go through torture to keep her pride. Not that the beating did anything to her when she couldn’t feel pain.

[Name] didn’t dare speak first to her mother and waited for the woman to speak her mind. To ask her questions.

“I know you killed Zhao, many of the assassins that accompanied you two mentioned how you were the one who brought him down.”

“I had a perfect reason to stop him, “ [Name] stated looking at her mother with determined eyes.

“And what was that reason?” Talia asked with gritted teeth. Her anger showed and it was as if she wasn’t trying to hide it.

[Name] swallowed the lump in her throat, “Zhao was planning to kill Damian. I stopped him from committing that treason. I won’t allow scum like Zhao to end my brother.” The bracelet she wore around her ankle while training reminded her of her bond with her brother. Despite not helping her a lot himself, she would do anything for Damian. Anything for approval because she knew life with the League wasn’t worth it.

Obviously Damian thought the same because he never returned.

Talia raised her hand and back handed the girl with a scowl on her face. “Zhao was ordered to kill Damian, you stupid girl. He had to do it to show his loyalty to you and you killed the man who was going to be your husband.”

[Name] spit some blood on the cement floor and glared back at her mother. Talia wiped her hand and the scowl on her face never disappeared. “That look,” Talia muttered, “that’s how your father and brother stare at me.”

[Name] straightened out her back and said, “I understand why they do. You’re a monster.”

Talia laughed and replied back, “My daughter, you will receive that same look from them when you show them your true colors.”

Then everything happened so fast. Ali yelled out her name and [Name] saw many assassins attack Ali with incredible speed coming out of their hiding spots. [Name] took a giant leap toward her mentor, but she was tackled by two other assassins. Quickly, one had sedated her, stabbing her arm with the needle of the syringe.

She watched as Ali defended himself from his once comrades.

Talia stepped over to [Name]’s slumped body and said, “I will break your spirit and you’ll become a ghost again. You brought this pain and suffering onto yourself.”

[Name] could hear Ali’s grunts of pain and suffering. The kicks and punches the assassins delivered. They were merciless. They were demons. Ali’s blood was…everywhere. On his clothing, his body, on their fists and shoes, on the cement floor. She could only watch as she was pinned down. [Name] stopped struggling seeing the life leave Ali’s eyes and his body fell to the floor with a thump. Her heart raced from the disgusting sight.

Her mentor, the only one who cared for her in this godforsaken place, had died right in front of her. She was woken from her sad state when Talia struck her face with her shoe. Blood leaving her nose and a bruise formed on her cheek. “Don’t worry, darling,” Talia crouched down in front of her and [Name] stared at her with a heated look, “Ali is in a better place now. But you, your punishment starts here and you’re working for me.”

……

“You are going to pose as a captive of Joker.”

[Name] sat strapped onto a wooden chair. Bruises decorated her body in various places, but that didn’t bother her. The thing that irritated her was the mucky environment and the stench of dead bodies at her feet.

“We need him to lure out your father and your brother.”

She looked around the living room she was stuck in for 4 days and began counting the seconds in her head, never stopping. It was how she kept track of the time, how much longer that psychotic man and his even crazier girlfriend would walk in with a bottle of water for her.

“This…man…you will not lay a hand on him. You will need to keep him in front of you and bring your father into the light. Make him vulnerable and when the moment is right, kill him.”

[Name] heard the creak of the door first before it slammed open revealing the green haired man and his crooked smile. He held a bottle of water in his right hand and he dragged a mallet in his left. She knew that the mallet belonged to his woman; Harley Quinn.

She waited for him to smack that thing across her face like he did to the dead ones at her feet. But Joker had something else in mind as the mallet glided across the wood floor. He set it up against the wall and chuckled, sitting down right next to it.

“It’s been two days, little killer,” Joker taunted, holding the water bottle in the air, “two days since you’ve drank your last sip of water and four days since you’ve eaten.”

[Name] knew that, but kept her mouth closed. She hated talking in general, most of all this guy wasn’t someone she wanted to talk to. Her eyes flitted across the room and to the wall opposite of Joker. Another body, most recent, was a woman wearing a pale pink pencil skirt and a white button up shirt. Her heels were on the floor that were kicked off in her struggle to keep the largest of thugs Joker owned off her.

But she wasn’t much of a warrior. She was an innocent woman that worked for the wrong man, Bruce Wayne. [Name] remembers her screams and the sound she made when the thug slammed her body on the wooden table that matched the small decorations of the chair she was strapped to.

She remembered the sound of her skull being crushed by Harley Quinn’s evil swing of the malicious mallet. They all laughed when the table broke from the force and the smashed brains scattered in that area.

The flashbacks of it all came to a stop when thunder rolled and lightning flashed lighting the small apartment up more. “You’re just like him, you know?” Joker said as he put his hand underneath his chin and his elbow rested on his knee. He scrutinized her.

[Name] just hummed in response and Joker jumped up excitedly. He pointed the water bottle in her direction with a maniacal laugh, “There! Right there, little killer! That hum you made as a response to my statement sent shivers down my spine. That look you give when you want water too! Oh my, I just want to carve you up for him!”

Just like that, Joker dropped the water bottle on the floor and strode over to her with quickened steps. He pulled out a pocket knife from his purple blazer and pointed the blade at her lips. He grabbed her neck in his gloved hand and slipped upward to her chin. [Name] didn’t move or show fear in her eyes and that made Joker all the more ecstatic.

“Now smile for me, little killer. Show me what you got,” The purr he let out as he let his fingers glide across her flushed lips was disgusting. [Name] wanted to shove that knife into his eye so badly. “I said,” Joker used both of his thumbs to spread her lips open, showing her pearly white teeth, “to show me your smile.”

“I don’t smile,” [Name] pulled her head away from him and replied coolly and to her surprise, Joker relaxed his tense shoulders. His hands retracted to his sides and he backed up with a less than pleased expression, “He would have shown a smile, I knew he would have. I know him, but you,” Joker drawled out angrily, pointing the knife at her, “I don’t know you. Not yet, at least!” He laughed into the air and he spread his arms out wide.

“Come in, boys. I wanna see if this little killer can put on the same show he does!”

Ten thugs walked in some holding bats and wrenches in their hands as they filtered in the living room. They stood in a horizontal line behind Joker showing their ugly faces and terrible outfits. They really were crazy people in this awful city. Why would she want to live with her brother and father in this city of filth?

“Clean up any other mess that tries to dirty you, my girl.”

Then a switch went off, [Name] moved on autopilot. She removed the rope around her torso the day the loonies tied her up there and it felt good when it slid off her body. Joker smiled and began to bow in front of her, “I present to you…the little killer of the desert.”

……

“This is!” Damian slammed his fist on the wall and glared angrily at the Bat Computer. He was enraged seeing the sight on the big screen. A picture of his twin sister tied up to a chair seemingly unconscious and beaten bloody.

Bruce was just as angry as his son, but he couldn’t let that cloud his judgment. Just what was Talia thinking? “Joker sent this to Gordon stating that he caught an assassin from the League,” Tim piped up looking at Damian who was seething in the corner.

“What is she doing back in Gotham?” Damian asked himself, removing his fist from the wall. He stalked over to the computer and analyzed the photo closer. “I know she can get out of those ropes, maybe she escaped already. But if that’s true, she wouldn’t hesitate to kill Joker.”

“Finally, we have someone in the family willing to kill that psychotic clown you call a human being,” Jason, donned in his Red Hood costume, crossed his arms over his chest. Everyone looked back at him and he shrugged his shoulders carelessly, “What? I’m just saying that maybe if you just kill the guy, the city can finally get back on its feet. I died because of him, so cut me some slack when your “morality” is on the line.”

Bruce stood up and grabbed his cowl, speed walking to the Batmobile. “I want everyone searching for her right now.” Damian followed Bruce, right on his tail and said, “Do you think she came back to live with us?”

Bruce jumped into the Batmobile and Damian did the same. Then Bruce pulled out of the Batcave with Jason and Tim trailing behind on their motorcycles. They were driving anywhere and everywhere for clues on where she could be. The rain slapped the earth with a rageful night of fighting. And Damian had to think, question why his sister came back if not for the first reason he gave out.

“Your mother wouldn’t have let her go that easily, Damian.” Batman replied after a while of thinking.

“I know that, but I got out. [Name] can do the same and I think she only got caught by Joker to get us out,” Damian speculated with his eyes looking at the streets his father sped by.

Bruce hummed and opened his mouth to say something, but a man wearing a clown mask jumped in front of the Batmobile with his gun raised high in surrender. Immediately, Bruce yanked the wheel to the left and narrowly dodged the masked man. The Batmobile spun out of control before Bruce used the boosters of the vehicle to spin it in the other direction regaining traction.

It worked and Damian looked at his father with a glare, “And you say I can’t drive.”

……

“W-we need help,” The clown thug pressed his gun closer to his chest, not wanting Batman or his sidekicks to take the only weapon that can protect him away. “She…she’s killing everyone and she’s too fast. Everything we did…she can’t feel it! Her blood, their blood…it’s everywhere!” The thug cried out and pointed toward the alleyway that he popped out from.

“Who are you talking about?” Batman asked, but he knew full well who the man was speaking about. [Name] was skilled, maybe even more than Damian. He heard the stories of his daughter and felt guilt for not taking her with him. She must have been on the verge of breaking and tonight Joker broke her.

“Joker called her The Little Killer of the Desert,” The thug looked around to make sure she wasn’t around to hear him. “And she went on this rampage! We hit her with our best shots and she’s still running around killing all of us!”

“And what about Joker?” Damian walked up after giving his brothers a heads up about their location and status.

The thug shook his head and scoffed, “That crazy bastard laughed and for some reason, she left him alone even though he instigated her! I’m telling you, you guys won’t even stand a chance against her.”

Damian rolled his eyes and began walking into the alley filled with determination to save his sister. Their mother must have brainwashed her with a mission and keywords to have her perform a massacre on Joker’s men.

Damian wasn’t surprised to see a factory in Joker and Harley’s style the more they walked into the area. Neon lights were everywhere as well as clown faces and diamond shapes all over the walls. Then there was a chorus of hoots and hollers from a radio, a fake audience.

A miniature fighting pit had been made in the center of the apartment complex and right in front of the factory. Then a cry of help was heard before the man choked on a heap of his blood. A katana dug deep into his back, the tip of it connecting with his heart of black. Then it protruded out of his chest covered in blood and rain.

“Oh, come on! Is there anyone out there able to stop her! This is getting boring!” Joker’s voice shouted watching the teenage girl swiftly take her katana back. The body in front of her dropped joining with other dead ones surrounding her.

Joker stood up from his makeshift throne and pointed over at Damian, “The Boy Wonder! What a crazy match up against my little killer! Come on in and take your best shot, be careful though she has been-” He cackled and gestured to the bodies, “killing all of her opponents!”

Damian cursed under his breath and looked back at Batman, “I can take her on while you catch Joker na question him on why he had her in the first place.”

Batman silently stared at Damian and mulled over his words. Then he looked over at Joker saying to the teen, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

…

Soon felt like forever especially when Damian struggled to capture his sister. “Is this what Grayson felt like when I first met him?” Damian grunted out when [Name]’s fist made contact with his nose. In his daze, [Name] jumped at him and straddled his waist. Quickly she swiped a kunai from her vest and aimed it at his heart.

“Snap out of it!” Damian shouted, his hands holding back her own which held tightly onto her kunai. The tip of it touched the tip of his padded armor and he felt her weight pushing forward to drive it into him. She said nothing the entire time she fought him and she still said nothing trying to end his life.

“This isn’t you!” Damian grunted out, holding her back as much as he could. “I am your brother! You are my sister! Wake up, [Name]!”

She didn’t relent. His words weren’t reaching her. Their mother, their cruel mother must have spent weeks breaking her mind in order for her to forget about him. He yelled out as he forced the kunai away from his chest where his heart lay. His eyes blinked away the rain that fell on his face and her face drowned out in the background.

Instead his eyes focused on the bracelet he tied around his wrist today. The little charm on it with the button inside gave him some sort of hope. Maybe this could wake her up from this nightmare. Making quick work, Damian let the kunai dig into his right palm and he cried out while pressing the button on the bracelet.

His blood dripped onto his face as the sound of a small beeping came from her ankle. It beeps continuously and he looked up at her this time, seeing his distraught sister. Not the killer their mother made her to be. The noise, this certain beep, has been her saving grace for a while now.

“Brother, did you know?” She asked quietly, afraid that somewhere their mother was watching them from afar. She pressed the dagger closer to his chest, keeping up this charade. When Damian subtly shook his head in disagreement, she went on to explain, “Mother brainwashed me with certain words and methods. I killed so many people under the guise of Little Killer of the Desert and I woke up in their blood with their bodies surrounding me. So Ali used the beeps of this charm to snap me out of it. It took trial and error because it had to be activated by you in order for it to ring.”

[Name] snatched her hands away from Damian’s grasp and with a flash of lightning above their heads, he felt the sharp blade at his neck. “The bracelet went missing for a year, do you remember that? Ali stole it one night and we began training my mind to listen for it. I was sent with Zhao to kill you. But you pressed this charm and snapped me out of my mission. And here I am, on the same mission.”

She backed up and pushed herself off of Damian’s body. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, not when she failed again. “One of us has to die in order for the other to live, Damian,” She dropped her kunai onto the floor and cried, her tears mixing with the rain. She can’t kill her brother, he has a life to live and it’s a fulfilling one. While she…she’s always been a ghost, no one on this planet knows she lives.

Damian has a family, he has friends and he has enemies that know of him.

Now [Name] has her brother, only Damian knows how she laughs or how she used to pull pranks on him when they were younger. He knows that she likes to read books, to dive into different worlds that aren't always just about fighting. Damian knows she likes to dream, to dream of a life where she’s in control.

“It’s me or you, brother,” She swallowed thickly and brought her eyes up to him, “Do you understand?”

“I understand.” He solemnly whispers and with another flash of lightning, she attacked him. In his defense, Damian picked up the kunai off the floor and raised it up. His instinct had been faster than what his father taught him. The kunai she slipped from her hip didn’t even make it to his heart. But his did with a nasty squelch.

He refused to move, but she pressed it further into her chest and smiled softly. The relief, it was such a relief to feel the weight of all the ones she killed off her shoulders and back. Blood leaked from the corner of her lips as she said, “Better you than her.” [Name] looked up from his teary eyes and at the woman standing about ten feet away from them. She rather die in her brother’s arms than the woman who claimed to be their mother.

“Live long, Damian.” [Name] gazed down at his trembling hand that caused her death. Yes, her death would haunt him forever. But he understood what she meant. He had to be the one to end her life. She held his hand tightly in hers and she slumped forward in his sitting position. Her head hit his shoulder and he sat paralyzed in his spot.

His beating heart pounded louder than the rain hitting the cement. He struggled to breathe because he felt the breath leaving her lungs. He felt her tight grip weakening and her heart slowing down. “No, wait,” Damian pleaded and shoved her backwards, her eyes already closed, “no, this wasn’t- Why! Why would you make me do that!” He shouted in anguish.

Then the clicking of calculated steps from behind him got louder. Talia was here to collect his sister’s body, probably to drop her in the pit. He couldn’t let that happen. [Name] belonged with him, finally put to rest and to move on.

Before Talia could reach any closer to her children, a clang of metal pierced the air. A batarang stuck out from the cement, warning Talia not to step any closer to the twins.

“Back away from them,” A deep voice warned with anger laced in his threatening tone.

Damian looked up from [Name]’s fatal wound and saw his father emerge from the shadows with a beaten Joker and Harley Quinn. Both criminals were knocked out and captured, his bloody knuckles holding tight onto their leashes.

“I’m taking her back, she belongs with me” Talia said with a click of her tongue.

Batman dropped the criminals onto the floor and walked with an aura of darkness shrouding him. He stepped right in front of a crouching Damian who held tightly onto [Name]’s dead body.

“She’s going home with us and having a proper burial. She deserves it,” Batman said.

“You don’t know what the girl deserves!” Talia lashed out, her nails digging into her palms.

“She’s not your daughter, Talia!” He snapped back.

“You ruined that the moment she died and you resurrected her in the pit. You forced her into becoming a killing machine, making her forget who she truly was. A girl who loved playing tricks on her brother, a girl who read books to escape her reality and a girl who dreamed of a life that belonged to her. You stripped away my right to being her father and supporting her like I did for her brother. She’s going home where she belongs.”

Talia faltered and looked down at her children. Damian was still in a stump, never moved away from the feuding parents. “How much did he tell you about her?”

“Everything,” Bruce said with a stern voice, “I wanted to know what my daughter was like. If she had any hobbies or interests besides what you made her do. I wanted to know her just in case she came back with us, just in case she wanted my help getting away from you. I may not have been the greatest father or the best at times, but hearing about you and what you did to [Name]...”

Bruce wanted to ask how Talia could mistreat [Name] like that. But one look at Damian and he knew he needed to get his son home before he completely broke.

“She’s an assassin to you, but she’ll be a daughter to me most and foremost.” Bruce declared and Talia scoffed at his words before turning on her heel. If Talia had the League with her, maybe she stood a chance against Batman, but she didn’t.

With Talia gone, Bruce knelt down in front of his grieving son and placed a hand onto his shoulder to ground him.

“Damian,” Bruce called out gently, “it’s time to go home.”

Damian looked down at [Name] and pressed his face into the crook of her neck and let out a wail of sadness. Those words should have been for [Name] too. It was always what she wanted to hear. Instead she lived a life as a ghost. Her name will be remembered only by him and their father.

He didn't understand why this had to end like this. So why did he tell her he understood?

#x reader #x female reader #dc imagine #damian wayne imagine #damian wayne x reader #bruce wayne imagine #batman #batman imagine

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sexyandhedonistic · 2 years ago

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How to Become the Most Iconic It Girl in Your Reality

A Guide to Bring Your Dream Self to Life

“You are already that which you want to be, and your refusal to believe this is the only reason you do not see it.” Feeling is the Secret Ch. 1

I. Introduction ✧

Hello, my loves! This guide will help YOU become the person you have always dreamt of being as the starring role of your reality. We’re going to cover so much so I hope you’re ready to bid farewell to the person you used to be and get ready to transform into the most desirable version of yourself yet. Whether you aspire to be an it girl, it boy, it person or it god, whatever your preferred title is, if you desire to be other than what you currently are, this guide is for you.

Note: this was written through a law of assumption lens so if you’re looking for a glow up post that tells you to eat fruit and cut off toxic people this is not the one. If you haven’t read my guide about the law of assumption or are new to it I strongly recommend you read that one first before reading further, as everything written later on will make much more sense that way.

A. What’s to come.

The comprehensive purpose of this guide is to help you become the person you have always dreamt of being and to remind you that you no longer need to be unhappy with who you are because you get to create your own reality, meaning that you get to define yourself. Not your environment, not your peers, you. Your upbringing may have persuaded you of the fact that you are undeserving of anything you could ever desire, but you don’t need to go another day feeling insecure, unloved and miserable. Life is your creation. The days of you being confined to the image others have imposed unto you are a thing of the past now. I don’t know who you were before you opened this guide but that person isn’t you anymore. From this point on, you have been an icon from BIRTH.

B. Breaking down the terms “iconic” and “it”.

Before we start, let’s define what an iconic it girl is first.

To be iconic means to be impactful. What makes an icon an icon is the fact that they don’t live up to standards or expectations because they live by their own rules and are not afraid to deviate from the conventional. The difference between an icon and a non-icon is that icons aren’t all talk, they ARE about it.

“It” refers to a prominent and commendable quality in an individual that evokes intrigue and admiration, especially one that makes said individual spectacular or exceptional. The it factor is subjective because different qualities instigate intrigue across different people. In the case of this guide, the IT factor will ultimately be up to you to define.

If we fuse both terms together with the law of assumption in mind, an iconic it girl is one who’s in total control of her reality. She’s a sovereign, she’s above everything and everyone and nothing can cause her to waver in her conviction. She’s the center of the universe and nothing can ever challenge that thought in her head. She calls the shots and she does what she wants. An iconic it girl is a trend setter. She doesn’t follow trends nor standards, she creates them. Nobody tells her what she can or can’t do and nobody tells her who she is because she has an established conception of herself.

C. Why be an it girl?

It girls tend to be the girls you either want to be or be with because they seem to have it all: wealth, beauty, sex appeal, allure, social circle, relationship, achievements and/or an interesting lifestyle. You see these girls on social media and you covet the lives they lead but you feel suppressed by your current circumstances because reality conditions your desires. If you want to change your appearance, you must be rich and if you want to be rich, you must work hard. If you want to be extroverted, you must change your personality and if you want to change your personality, you must step out of your comfort zone. That’s the reality of life because life operates by logic. But, guess what? You are not limited to what we once accepted to be the “reality of life”. We are infinite beings capable of everything we could ever desire in this world. Anything someone else is or has can also be you/rs and in this guide I’ll explain how you can.

Now that we have established what an iconic it girl is and why we can aspire to be one, we will now proceed with HOW to do it and more importantly, where it all starts.

II. Conception ✧ of self.

“It is our conception of ourselves which frees or constrains us.” - No One To Change But Self

Self concept is how you see yourself in relation to the world and how you see the world in relation to you. All the assumptions you carry about the two comprise your conception of self, which as a result fashions the experiences you have in your world. From the way people treat you to the way you treat yourself, all of it has originated from your assumptions which harvested your state which has become part of your consciousness (what you know to be a fact at this very moment). Whether your goal is to manifest being an it girl or anything else, it always goes back to changing your self concept first, which is nothing more than a state.

A state is an attitude of mind comprised of beliefs (assumptions) and when we desire to change our self concept, we adjust our state of consciousness. You may not feel exceptional nor as if you have the it factor as of right now and that is credited to the contents of your state of consciousness. If you want to become an iconic it girl, you must first change your state into one of an it girl. How do you change states? Through feeling, by I AM.

A. I AM.

“I AM wealthy, poor, healthy, sick, free, confined were first of all impressions or conditions felt before they became visible expressions. Your world is your consciousness objectified. Waste no time trying to change the outside; change the within or the impression; and the without or expression will take care of itself. When the truth of this statement dawns upon you, you will know that you have found the lost word or the key to every door. I AM (your consciousness) is the magical lost word which was made flesh in the likeness of that which you are conscious of being.”- Your Faith Is Your Fortune Ch. 6

I AM is a declaration of self through what you are aware of being. You are incapable of speaking about yourself unless your statement begins with I AM. Manifesting becoming an it girl is not about acquiring something, it is about being the person who has that something through whatever comes after I AM:

I have money -> I AM [in the state of being] wealthy

I have perfect grades -> I AM [conscious of being] a stellar student

I have a partner -> I AM in a relationship

“Become identified with that character and feeling and you will be amazed how quickly you will realize your dream. The only sacrifice you are called upon to make, is to give up your present concept of self and appropriate the desire you want to express.”

B. EIYPO.

"Blind man sees the world objective to himself, something detached from himself. When man begins to awake he sees everything subjectively related; everything he meets is part of himself, and what he does not now understand, still he knows that it is related by affinity to some as yet unrealized force in his own being." - The Pruning Shears of Revision

Everyone is you pushed out accounts for the notion that whatever we think or assume of ourselves is pushed out into the world and reflected back to us. This means that the people around you will see you the way you see yourself and treat you accordingly. We manifest 24/7 through our established assumptions, so whether you have accepted as a fact that you are loved by everyone you meet or you aren’t very likable, your circumstances will evince that. However, that is not to say you are not entitled to feel upset when someone disrespects you. Although this may be a difficult truth to accept, the purpose of acceptance of it is to feel and realize that we are above what people say or how they treat us rather than to feel inferior because of it. So, how do we take this concept into consideration when we aim to become an it girl? We simply accept it as yet another facet of our realities that we are in control of. How do you get people to stop seeing you as the person you no longer want to be anymore? By changing self first. When you begin to see yourself as an it girl, the world will see you as one as well.

"There is no one to change but self. All you need to do to make men and women holy in this world is to make yourself holy. You are incapable of seeing anything that is unlovely when you establish within your own mind's eye the fact that you are lovely."- No One To Change But Self

III. Imagination ✧ Optimize your creative power.

“Everything in your world that you behold, though it appears without, it is within, in your imagination. And this wonderful imagination of yours is Christ Jesus. Imagination is the actual habitation of every created thing. No matter what you see in the world, it springs from your imagination. So that's where you go, that's the workshop, the garden of God.” - The Pruning Shears of Revision

A wonderfully comforting aspect of the law of assumption is that we all possess the inalienable gift that is to be able to grant upon ourselves whatever it is we desire to have, do or be. No matter what it is that you want, be it factual or fictional, existent or nonexistent, you can have anything. It is possible to become the person you have always wanted to be due to the lack of limitations in imagination. If you can think it, you can become it. Whether you desire to look like someone, have a relationship that mirrors the one in your favorite k-drama with your celebrity crush or be exactly like your comfort character, I could go on and on with examples of whatever it is you can have, do or be because when I tell you that you are a limitless being, I mean it wholeheartedly.

I must emphasize and drive this point home. All is possible in the world. Every possible desired life aspect you could ever fantasize about in your imagination exists because creation is finished. Whether it’s your dream home, career, income, accomplishments, possessions, relationship, friend group, physique, personality, lifestyle whatever it is you dream of having is possible to be conscious of because there are a myriad of states for us to choose from. That state already exists like a suit that is waiting for you to wear it until it becomes a natural part of your consciousness.

Because of this, it naturally makes sense to acknowledge that we no longer need to be neither humble nor jealous of another. If we know we can have absolutely anything in the world, even something already in the possession of another, why would we?

With our wonderful human imagination on our side, we can transcend the limitations that surround us. Whether you desire to get accepted into an ivy league university two years early with a 2.1 GPA or eat endlessly without gaining a single pound and jeopardizing your health, your limitless self is capable of becoming conscious of it and more, so let your imagination run free devoid of any restrictions when you define your it girl. The presentation of any circumstances do not and will never matter. To be is as simple as asking yourself whether or not you want to be it.

IV. Inspiration ✧ Defining your it girl.

Now we’re getting to the fun part of this post because you get to use your creative power: imagination. Remember a few sections ago when we discussed what the IT factor is? This is where you get to determine what IT is. Let me remind you again, your idea of what an it girl is is subjective, so it won’t be exactly like someone else’s definition. It girl is not a mold in which you are expected to fit into. Whether you want an active socialite nepo baby city life or a secluded pastry-making book-reading cottagecore life, doesn’t matter. This is all about who you desire to be. With that, let’s get down on how to determine what your it girl self looks like.

A. Who do you want to be like?

What qualities in a person would make you perceive someone as admirable or inspiring? Hard work? Being multifaceted? Do they have a personality you wish you had?

Think of people you deem iconic or who you look up to and why you perceive them as such. Are they someone who’s successfully pursued a personal goal of yours? Is their career full of achievements?

Don't condense your inspirations to people, you can also take fictional characters into consideration. Whether it’s Maddy from Euphoria, Blair from Gossip Girl or Pooja from Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, think of the characters from your favorite films and tv shows for more ideas.

You can also consider some of the most popular archetypes across social/media such as the femme fatale, the socialite, the siren, the beauty and brains, any archetype that possesses a lifestyle or aura that you would like for yourself can also be taken into consideration.

B. Which trains would you like to possess?

Beautiful, magnetic, mysterious, seductive, desirable, alluring

Extroverted, fun, trend setter, admired, confident, charismatic

Intimidating, unapologetic, bold, unique, center of attention,

Kind, soft spoken, empathetic, nurturing, humanitarian

Intelligent, articulate, ambitious, hedonistic, successful, perfectionist

C. What are some interesting qualities/assumptions about you?

Always the life of the party

Speaks multiple languages

Excels at everything on the first try

Has a commanding presence

Loved by everyone and full of admirers

Everyone you develop an interest in always pursues you

People find you alluring and inspiring

Bearer of the Halo effect - receives advantages and special treatment just for being gorgeous

Mastered or proficient in a specific subject/sport/language/instrument

Art connoisseur / literature, films, fashion, music, photography

Knowledgeable across different subjects / history, science, interior design, fragrances, wine, etc.

Knowledgeable in sophisticated fields / law, politics, economics, finance

Expert at a specific hobby or activity / chess, bridge, painting, sculpting, skating, singing, dancing

Skilled at / sewing, cooking, baking, knitting, makeup, styling, coding

D. Combine it.

Once I had an idea of what I wanted my new self to be like , I would refer to scenes in tv shows when a character is being introduced in third person as if they’re reading a profile about them. They don’t just name the character, they’ll list their background, their personality, what they do, what their interests are, etc. and then twist this for myself and imagine how I would like another person to describe me. I’ll list an example of what that would look like below:

[Note: to stay on theme I will be providing an it girl example, make this your own!]

One word to describe her? Extraordinary, but she’s too much to even conceptualize in a single word that it almost feels disrespectful to her. She either inspires you to be at her level or mortifies you for not being at her level. She's influential and enticing, opulent and godly. She has sky-high standards and smells like Tobacco Vanille. She always gets what she wants and doesn’t take no for an answer. She studies hard in the daytime and attends prestigious social gatherings in the nighttime. She’s a polymath with an IQ of 168 who knows a little about every subject. Whether it’s foreign languages, interior design, pastry making or art, she’s full of knowledge and constantly teaches you something new. She’s innovative and always formulating progressive ideas which also makes her a trendsetter. Whatever she does whether it’s a hobby or putting an outfit together she always owns it in her own unique manner. Because of that, her presence captures the attention of everyone in the room without her even saying a word. Her magnetic aura and sultry gaze make her irresistible to anyone who locks eyes with her. Men go crazy over her even though they know she’d never look twice at them. She’s witty and fun to be around. She’s unlike anyone you’ve ever met before. In fact, you could copy her personality and style down to a T and you still would not be able to capture her essence. You can’t get her out of your head because her beauty, passion and determination make her unforgettable.

Now that you have an idea of who your new self is, let’s talk about how to dump the old self.

V. Immolation ✧ Say goodbye to the old story forever.

“Man is not willing to outgrow, [and] yet he wants other things than those he has. But if you remain in one state, you will forever have to suffer the consequences of not being in another state. (From the “Hermetica”). If I remain in the state of poverty, I must suffer the consequences of not being in the state of wealth.” - The Art of Dying

A. No one to change but self (concept).

“Heretofore I thought I could change others through effort. Now I know I cannot change another unless I first change myself. To change another within my world I must first change my concept of that other; and to do it best I change my concept of self. For it was the concept I held of self that made me see others as I did.” - No One To Change But Self

I started this guide with self concept for a reason. If you want to create a change in your life you must first begin with self . As within, so without. An inner change must precede an outer change because we do not experience what we want, we experience what we are. Any attempt to change our worlds without changing ourselves is a mere delusion because the world will forever reflect back to us that which we are conscious of being. You want the world to know that you’re an it girl? Feel yourself to be an it girl first.

B. Forgiveness.

“You must learn to distinguish between the eternal human who occupies a state, and the state itself. This is the only means to forgiveness.” - True Forgiveness

Forgiving is forgetting and forgetting is letting go. When you are able to feel yourself to be who you want to be, you let go of who you used to be. You no longer have to be somebody you don’t want to be because a change of state is always instant. Every day is a new day and every moment is a new moment. If you are currently a miserable person and then you decide you are not then you are no longer a miserable person because you chose to not identify with it. You are not your state and you cannot be affixed to any state you don’t want to occupy. You will always have the option to embody any state you would like to occupy. You can shift that immediately through forgiveness and intention. Through forgiveness, you create the severance between the state you were formerly in and the state of an it girl.

C. Regret no more.

“Do not waste one moment in regret, for to think feelingly of the mistakes of the past is to re-infect yourself.” – Feeling is the Secret

I’d like to take this moment to tell you that regret doesn’t need to be a thing anymore because you can revise the past. That hobby you wanted to pursue but gave up on? Your GPA that you can’t go back and fix? The best friend you miss? Do you remember when you wanted to start drawing but then you stopped? Or when you did ballet when you were younger and never continued? Remember when you started learning Spanish and then gave up? You don’t need to feel regretful anymore because you can revise all and reshape the past to be in harmony with the it girl that you are. Whether you wish you had grown up wealthy or with a specific skill which would later become your passion, absolutely every aspect of your life can be adjusted. There’s no need to resent the past because it is not set in stone.

D. Let go of the external.

I urge you to not let anything outside of you define you or your life. Whether it’s the tarot deck, the tea leaves or a birth chart, none of those sources have a say in what your life looks or will look like. There’s no such thing as a predetermined fate for you. Every single aspect of your world is malleable at your command, so give up the idea that there’s any other force in the world capable of interfering with your desires.

VI. Reincarnation ✧ The birth of a new you.

“You must this night – not tomorrow – learn the technique of writing your own obituary and so completely die to what you are that no man in this world can tell you where you buried the old man.” - Consciousness is the Only Reality

A. A newly acquired mentality.

It’s time to step into your power and see yourself as the GOD that you are. You no longer need to live by the limitations the world has convinced you exist. You don’t need to do or be anything/one you don’t want to do/be and more importantly you do not need to settle for anything that doesn’t live up to your expectations. If you don’t like something, it doesn’t need to be a thing. Think about it being as simple as blocking someone, you are not gonna annoy me in MY reality. Starting today, you get to decide who you want to be and who or what gets to be a part of your life. Again, this is YOUR world, YOUR reality and everyone else is simply living in it. Why should you ever worry your gorgeous self about anything not going your way if this is your world? You’re the one on the pedestal and whatever you say must go.

Imagine telling a person exactly that, This is your world and everyone else is simply living in it. We are at such a huge advantage with the law of assumption because you don’t even need to be concerned with the course of action, you just need to focus on being (I AM). When you talk to people through the confidence of knowing that every single one of your goals is absolutely achievable, because through the law of assumption they always are and always will be, it is very easy to appear as confident to the average doubtful person. Everyone around you carries the idea with them that failure and rejection are always possibilities. You’re not like them, though. You’re completely limitless. You can excel at whatever career you want to pursue, you can date anyone you point your finger at, you can possess all of the riches the world has to offer and there’s no need to be humble about it. You are THE it girl, after all, are you not? All we’re stating is facts.

B. You cannot serve two masters.

“If you are dissatisfied with your present expression in life the only way to change it, is to take your attention away form that which seems so real to you and rise in consciousness to that which you desire to be. You cannot serve two masters, therefore to take your attention from one state of consciousness and place it upon another is to die to one and live to the other.” - At Your Command Ch. 2

In other words, you cannot sustain two polarizing states at once and you cannot take any part of the old state into the new state. If you want change, you must be loyal to it. You must be so committed to it that you have no space to even consider the old story because it doesn’t matter in the slightest anymore. Fall in love with your new state of consciousness that you are willing to be devoted to it no matter what. Leave the old in the past so the new can take its place.

C. Feeling the wish fulfilled.

“You must assume that you are what you want to be and continue therein, for the reality of your assumption has its being in complete independence of objective fact and will clothe itself in flesh if you persist in the feeling of the wish fulfilled” - The Power of Awareness Ch. 21

Capturing the feeling of the wish fulfilled is utterly essential, no matter what it is that you desire to manifest because the process will always be the same. First we must assume ourselves to be that which we desire to be through I AM and we persist in it independent of the objectiveness of our world until we are one with our new state.

The moment you successfully attain that feeling and continue to live by it, the direction of your attention will continue to focus on the implications of its fulfillment. That is, when you start to accept yourself as an it girl, the scenes that would suggest its consummation will make their way into your imagination, and if you persist in them they will inevitably become part of your state of consciousness.

VII. Invocation ✧ How to become it.

“When you pray, do not get down on your knees and pray to any unknown God. Instead, go to bed and dare to assume you are now who you want to be. Fall asleep assuming it is true and you will be on the road to success, for this is how things are brought into being.” - Brazen Impudence

A. SATS + lullaby.

I have an extensive post about the state akin to sleep which I highly suggest you read for further clarification as well as how I like to use the SATS. I’ll leave the instructions below:

The first step is to define your objective. Have a clear idea of what it is you would like to be (or be in possession of).

Next, ask yourself, “what does the end of that goal look like?” For example, if you would like to manifest a prestigious job opportunity, you’d be congratulated on it. If you’d like to manifest a change in appearance, you would receive compliments (It doesn’t need to include another person, but you may find it more helpful in order to feel it more real). Whatever the end looks like, it must always be an event that implies its fulfillment, that it is done. This is the wish fulfilled.

Get into a comfortable position. You can lay down or sit upright, it doesn’t matter, do whatever feels most comfortable.

Relax. You can do some breathing exercises, listen to music, have a warm drink, whatever it is that makes you relax.

Induce a moderate degree of drowsiness where you can still concentrate on the wish fulfilled, but be sure to not feel too drowsy where you find it difficult to focus. When you feel like you could move but you don’t want to (because you’re too comfortable), that’s when you’ll know you’re in the state akin to sleep.

Construct a scene that implies the fulfillment of your desire by making elsewhere here and then now, then feel it real by incorporating your senses into it and imagine yourself being present within your imaginal scene from your perspective. Confine your scene to a single action. If your scene implies that you have received wonderful news, do not wander off in your visualization by doing a thousand irrelevant things afterwards, simply stick to the congratulations and mentally feel yourself being present in your scene. Repeat the scene until it takes on the tones of reality. [A tip from Edward Art: Focus on feeling it real (feeling the wish fulfilled) first and then the sensory aspects of your scene will follow]

If you find it difficult to focus on a scene and feel it real or if you simply cannot conceptualiza what the end would even look like, follow steps 1 through 4 and do the following: condense the fulfillment to three words or less and repeat them over and over again until your mind is dominated by the single sensation of thankfulness. Meditate on this phrase until you accept it as a fact.

¹ Visualization ideas.

Your scenes will vary depending on what life you want to live. You can change your scenes every time you visualize during the SATS so long as they all imply the same end. What would imply that you are an it girl? Being interviewed? Walking down a red carpet? Men dropping their jaws when you pass by? For ideas, consider what activities would comprise a day in your it girl life.

² The lullaby method.

"Remain there until you feel its certainty, until you reach the point of satisfaction, until you are convinced of its truth; and although the world may collapse around you, you will become that which you have assumed you are." - An Inner Conviction

If you would like to try out the lullaby method, some three word phrases you could use are: I’m that girl/person, I have everything, It is done, I’m so happy, I AM (__), etc.

B. Mental diets.

“Feast on the idea, become identified with the idea as though you were already that embodied state. Walk in the assumption that you are what you want to be. If you feast on that and remain faithful to that mental diet, you will crystallize it. You will become it in this world.” - Thinking Fourth Dimensionally

Mental diets aren’t particularly necessary since they can imply that you need to be monitoring your thoughts constantly. However, objectively being conscious of them can help you determine what state you are currently occupying. If you would like to indulge in a mental diet you can do so by asking yourself the following questions:

Is this what I would want someone else to say or think about me?

Would my it girl think this thought?

I would also like to briefly recall that thoughts alone don’t hold power unless you accept them as facts. You can have intrusive thoughts and joke all you want about how you’re ugly but unless you persist in that and feel them to be true it will not manifest.

C. Inner conversations.

"What are you saying at every moment of time? Watch it; be careful what you are saying, because your whole vast world is this inner conversation pushed out." - Control Your Inner Conversations

I urge you to stop internally berating yourself or imagining someone speaking negatively about you. Pay attention to the perpetual inner conversation you hold with yourself: “I’m not good at math”, “my friends always make plans without me”, “I’m so awkward”, because what you say and believe about yourself is what you will continue to face in the third dimension. Instead, think about the lovely remarks you’d like others to say about you and mentally hear them say them. You can also try vaunting which is the practice of constructing a conversation in which you brag from the wish fulfilled. You can turn to the example I used of being described in third person by someone else and speak from first person instead (I AM).

D. Revision.

"At the end of my day, I review the day; I don't judge it, I simply review it. I look over the entire day, all the episodes, all the events, all the conversations, all the meetings, and then as I see it clearly in my mind's eye, I rewrite it. I rewrite it and make it conform to the ideal day I wish I had experienced. I take scene after scene and rewrite it, revise it, and having revised my day, then in my imagination I relive that day, the revised day, and I do it over and over in my imagination until this seeming imagined state begins to take on to me the tones of reality. It seems that it's real, that I actually did experience it and I have found from experience that these revised days, if really lived, will change my tomorrows. When I meet people tomorrow that today disappointed me, they will not tomorrow, for in me I have changed the very nature of that being, and having changed him, he bears witness tomorrow of the change that took place within me." - The Pruning Shears of Revision

Before you go to bed, revisit the occurrences of your day and when you recall an unfavorable one that challenges your it girl state of consciousness and rewrite it. Follow the steps for the SATS and construct a scene that would replace the unfavorable situation and convert it into a favorable situation.

E. Finish the day feeling the wish fulfilled.

"Do not let the sun descend upon any vexation of the day." - The Pruning Shears of Revision

This one is an absolute must. If you can help it, try to refrain from falling asleep in the assumption that you are not an it girl. If you are not feeling the wish fulfilled, take a few minutes to meditate on your state and then fall asleep feeling embraced by it and the relief of knowing that who you desire to be is who you already are (also known as the Sabbath).

VIII. Preservation ✧ How to sustain it.

"Do you always turn to your imagination and, no matter what happens, do you remain faithful to the state imagined? If you do, you have passed the test. But if every little rumor, doubt, or fear can move you around like a pawn on a chessboard, then you are not keeping the faith!" - God’s Creative Power

A. Persistence.

“By desiring to be other than what you are, you can create an ideal of the person you want to be and assume that you are already that person. If this assumption is persisted in until it becomes your dominant feeling, the attainment of your ideal is inevitable.” - The Power of Awareness Ch. 3

To briefly remind you, persistence means to remain obstinate with an intention regardless of difficulties or obstructions. When you are adopting a new state of consciousness, you may initially struggle to feel it real or even become impatient with its lack of manifestation in the third dimension, but you must keep returning to it no matter what. You may waver and you may falter but if you remember to proceed with the embodiment of your it girl state by returning to it through any preferred means, no force and no power will cumber its realization.

B. Forget about time.

"The length of time between my desire and its conception depends entirely upon my inner conviction that it is done."- An Inner Conviction

Focusing on the “time” it takes for your state to feel natural to you will only hold you back and keep you in a cycle of waiting. Ask yourself what the end, or the actualization of being an it girl, looks like for you and live in it. Do not suppress yourself to what appears to be the present moment if it is not reflecting the end of your desires. If you are concerned with “the time it’ll take”, then you are conscious of the opposite of your desires which means you are not feeling the wish fulfilled.

Always seek the wish fulfilled and abide by it until it blossoms into your world.

C. Disregard appearances.

"These appearances will continue in being as long as you give them life through your conscious awareness of them. You must disregard the evidence of your senses as it pertains to any undesirable condition in your life. You must Imagine and feel that you have already attained that which you want to experience rather than that which you do not want to continue in being. This may appear difficult, yet you have probably exercised this principle unconsciously to produce negative results." - Imagination Creates Reality

Do not settle for less than you seek. You never need to compromise with whatever it is that you desire because as I have mentioned, all exists and all is possible. Reject anything that doesn’t confirm that you are an it girl and never take no for an answer. Be adamant. Decide on what it is that you want and regardless of the limitations of your environment, consent to its immersion to your state of consciousness. No matter what you see or hear, do not accept it if it is not what you want. If you continue to suppress the acceptance of your desires to your senses then that's where your consciousness will remain.

“You don't accept one thing in the world as final unless it conforms to the ideal you want to realize in the world.” - The Pruning Shears of Revision

D. You already are, not will be.

“That which you seek you already are, it can never be so far off as even to be near, for nearness implies separation.” - No One To Change But Self

Something we can learn from it girls is the following: it girls don’t care whether or not they’re it girls, they simply are. So although we are intentionally shifting our state of consciousness, remember to not approach this with a trying mindset or the idea that you will become when you already are, because the use of the word “will” implies that you currently are not. As I’ve said before, “you can’t try to be someone you already are”. Whatever the wish fulfilled looks like for you, accept it at this very moment. Go straight to the end and bathe in it, rejoice in the fulfilled prayer as you go about your day and remain faithful to that inner conviction.

E. Reject the possibility of failure.

“Don’t be anxious or concerned as to results. They will follow just as surely as day follows night.” - Your faith is your fortune Ch. 21

Your desires are literally a guarantee. You can bring absolutely anything into being if you proceed with your intention in spite of what you experience in the flesh. You possess a gift that no one will ever be able to confiscate from you and that is your imagination. Intentional use of this gift will bring forward the beautification of your world in means you would not have been able to devise. Do not become an impediment in your journey by concerning yourself with the means, for they are never your responsibility. If you are serious and willing to assume in your favor, the mountains that need to move will move, the obstacles in the path towards heaven will be cleared and the people who need to play a role relative to its fruition will act accordingly without you having to do so much as lift a finger.

F. Apply.

“You must be doers of the law of assumption, for without application, the most profound understanding will not produce any desired result.” - The Power of Awareness Ch. 18

It is not enough for you to read the entirety of this guide without intending to put the instructions in it to use. You could read and listen to every document, every book and every lecture out there that tells you exactly how to manifest your desires but unless you take that information and put it to use, it was all acquired in vain. This post was long and detailed, do not let it go to waste by refusing to apply and persist. Wanting to do it is not enough, you must DO IT through persistence and a disciplined mind. Do not let the day in which you are reading this post to come to an end without acknowledging that you are an it girl now, not will be, you are. Plant the seed today and you will reap the harvest tomorrow.

"Your assumption, to be effective, cannot be a single isolated act, it must be a maintained attitude of the wish fulfilled." - The Power of Awareness Ch. 22

G. Calm reminders

I’m sure some of these concerns may have risen at some point so I will clear them up right now: acting as if is not necessary, neglecting your current circumstances and pretending they are not occurring is not necessary and being happy all the time is also not necessary. It is okay if you fall out of your new state from time to time, do not think that there is such a thing as “losing progress” because you can never truly lose what is already in your possession. If you are dealing with difficult circumstances I strongly recommend you read this post: how i manifested my dream life with extremely hard circumstances + how you can too.

IX. Motivation ✧

“I don’t care what it is; when you know what you want, you can make your desire so real, so natural that you will reach a feeling of certainty which no power in the world can stop. When that feeling is yours, drop it. Don’t ask anyone if what you did was right or wrong; you did it and that’s all that is necessary.” - An Inner conviction

If you are truly serious about becoming the it girl of your reality, you’ll have to be disciplined, determined, and persistent. You have to be willing to give up who you are right now in order to become who you want to be because the longer you entertain your old self, the longer you’ll postpone your dream self. You can decide at any moment to change, and if you are not actively working towards shifting your state of consciousness then you are consenting to its preservation. You accept what you tolerate, whether it’s mediocre friends, mediocre grades or a mediocre lifestyle and the only way to put an end to that is by intending to because it all starts with you. Do you want it enough? Are you willing to finally become an it girl or will you continue daydreaming about being an it girl? If you’re capable of being someone you don’t want to be, what makes you think you aren’t mutually capable of becoming someone you do want to be? Your it girl self is not far away from you, she already exists within your imagination and she is waiting for you to bring life to her. You already know everything you need to know in order to do it, so what’s stopping you? I know it can feel challenging because we feel confined to our current circumstances but I have so much faith in you and I know you have it in you to give yourself the world. You deserve to wake up every day feeling completely obsessed with yourself and your life. You don’t need to spend a minute longer hoping things that feel like they’re out of your control change if you know you are the one who’s in control. This is your reality, after all. Decide who you want to be and what life you want to lead, start showing up every day for it and remember to never accept anything that doesn’t live up to your standards. Dare to pursue everything you have ever wanted, all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed.

X. Outroduction ✧

"Every dream could be realized by those self-disciplined enough to believe it."- No One To Change But Self

And that concludes this guide! If there’s one takeaway you should carry with you from it it’s the following: you reserve the right to have high standards in regards to every aspect of your life, you deserve the partner of your dreams, the home of your dreams, the life of your dreams, you deserve all of it and more. Becoming an it girl doesn’t require a meticulous plan of action. All it takes is the use of imagination and discipline. You can realize your every dream. Whatever you want regardless of what it is or how unrealistic it sounds, you should demand more out of life and you should never settle for less than you desire, fantasize about or dream of, you can have it and you should have it. The world was made by you and for you so be self-willed and go for it. I have given you everything you need to know to become an it girl and all you have to do is apply. You’ve got this! Remember that you cannot fail, so when you succeed (notice how I didn't say if), I want to hear your success story. Until next time, mis amores!

Love always, your bestie Hera * .♡ *:･ﾟ✧ ⋆ ࣪.* ࣪.⋆

“You can be the man (or woman) you want to be, but not by simply wishing. You must make the effort to look at the world mentally and see it reflect your fulfilled desire. And when it does you must remain in that state until you reach the inner conviction that what you are seeing, touching, tasting, smelling, and hearing is true, clothe yourself in the feeling of its reality - and explode! Do that and you are pregnant. And what do you do after pregnancy? Nothing! You simply wait for its birth to appear in its own appointed hour. And it will! When you least expect it your desire will objectify itself in the world for you to enjoy, whether it be health, wealth, or fame. That’s how God’s law works.” - An Inner Conviction

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mountttmase · 11 months ago

Text

Winter Sun - Chapter 2

Note - thank you so much for all the love on the first chapter 🥺 it was honestly so overwhelming like I’ve been sat on this series for so long and I can’t believe I’ve finally introduced you to my babies 🩷 I hope you like this chapter just as much and feedback is appreciated as always 😘

Pairing - Mason Mount × Reader

Word count - 6.5k

Warnings - series will contain fluff, smut & angst

Masterlist

You’d made it home from Bens at around 11am the next day and you flopped onto the sofa as soon as you got back. The only thing on your mind was McDonald’s hash browns but the text from Mason distracted you instantly.

Another text never came, instead Mason was calling you and you let out a big breath, biting your lip to stop your smile before answering.

‘Morning Mase’

‘Morning morning. You still at Bens?’

‘No I got back like ten minutes ago’

‘Okay good. Now what’s it’s gonna take for me to convince you cause let’s face it you know I always get my way’ he laughed and you rolled your eyes cause you knew he was right. You were still unhappy about the amount of money it would cost him but if he was stupid enough to offer to pay for you then why weren’t you accepting? Chances like this didn’t come around very often and you knew you’d be miserable sat at home watching everyone else have fun.

‘I’ll talk to nads, alright? If she’s fine with it then I’ll consider coming’ you told him, not having the energy to argue anymore and the laugh and cheers coming from him made it worth it. ‘One condition though. Don’t tell anyone I want to surprise Carly at the airport’

‘Deal’

‘I also have another question. How are you gonna pay everyone back? I presume my part was split between everyone but that’s gonna be long for you to sort out surely’

‘So I have a confession’ he laughed and you knew you were about to hear something you wouldn’t like. ‘I’d already paid for you. I was hoping to try and convince you nearer the time’ he confessed, laughing like a small boy who’s just been caught with his hand in the sweet jar and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t find him endearing.

‘Mason’ you huffed, trying to fake scold him for his actions but it wasn’t working. He was too cheeky for his own good and you were too overwhelmed by the prospect of him wanting you to come so bad he paid for you without even asking.

‘What, it worked didn’t it?’ He told you. ‘Let me know as soon as nads says it’s okay and we can sort everything out’

‘I wanted to talk to you about something else too’ you asked carefully, not wanting to startle him but your conversation from last night was still playing on your mind. Even though he’d said he still felt the same as he had last night, you were still unsure.

‘Oh yeah? What’s that?’

‘This little arrangement we might have going on’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘I think we should set some ground rules’

‘Okay yeah, that’s fine. Why don’t you think about them and we can talk about them on the plane’

‘But I might not be sat next to you’

‘Oh muffin, I made sure you are’ he drawled, causing you to roll your eyes at his cockiness.

Once you were finally off the phone to Mason you called up Nads who was more than happy to take over the shop for a week. Letting you know that you deserve a break and that she was more than up for the challenge and by the way she spoke you felt a lot more at ease about the whole situation.

Everything after that was a bit of a blur. Having to buy everything you needed for your trip plus a few extras. Realising your underwear selection was pretty sparse and not exactly flattering and you wanted Mason to not be turned off instantly so you treated yourself to some new sets you thought he might like to see you in as well as some other clothes you thought he might like to take off of you.

The week passed by in a flash and soon enough you were on your way to the airport on your own. Excitement and nerves filled you as you’d never had to do this on your own before but once you were through security and through to the lounge you sent Mason a quick message.

You treated yourself to a solo breakfast before having a quick look around duty free so you could pick some snacks up and also some things for Mason. You knew you wouldn’t be here without him so you’d promised to treat him in different ways and you were just picking up a few bags of m&m’s when you felt your phone buzz in your pocket.

You let him know you’d meet him outside the shop you were in and as soon as your eyes met his you felt your heart thud in your chest. He looked so cute in his comfy clothes and even though his hood was up you’d recognise him anywhere.

‘Hey muffin’ he smiled, pulling you into his chest and you knew your face was flushing which he only made worse by planting a kiss on your head. ‘I’ve left everyone in the first class lounge, you ready to go say hi?’

‘Okay’ you smiled, letting him lead you through the airport by your waist. You knew Mason was touchy but this was different. Normally he’d keep his hands where you could see them but you couldn’t deny you loved the feeling of being close to him as you chatted about your journeys. Your arm around his waist too and you knew to anyone looking it looked like you were a couple but you just went with it as you loved having him close ‘You go, I’ll be in in one sec’ you told him when you got to the doors and he eyed you curiously. ‘Need to make my big entrance’

‘See you in there’ he laughed, closing the door behind him and you waited 30 seconds before following him in. Thankfully they were all sat facing the other way and you used it to your advantage to surprise them.

‘Well well well. What the hell are you guys doing here?’ You asked in a sing-song tone, watching them all turn to you but it was Carly’s face you were focused on.

‘What the hell?’ She whispered, looking more shocked than you’d ever seen her as a smile began to take over her face.

‘You didn’t think I’d let you leave without me did you?’

‘You’re coming?’ She asked quietly, her bottom lip wobbling slightly and you just nodded as her face was getting you emotional yourself and before you knew it, she was throwing herself in your arms. You could feel her body shaking a little bit so you held her tighter as everyone else piled in for a group hug. ‘Mason, was this your doing?’ She laughed, looking for him in the big crowd of people and you could see how hard he was blushing, making your heart thump a little in your chest.

‘I just wanted everyone together’ he laughed as you all pulled away, watching Carly make a beeline for him so she could pull him into her arms. You knew she was saying something to him but you weren’t quite sure what so you went round and said hello to everyone else.

When you were called for boarding, you and Mason seemed to get separated but you managed to make it on the plane without him, eyes constantly checking to see if he was coming and around ten minutes after you’d sat down he made his appearance.

You watched on as he shrugged his bag off to pop in the overhead locker and you knew your face was probably bright red now as you caught a glimpse of his tummy when he reached up to shut the compartment. Clearing your throat as he finally took his seat next to you and could see he looked a little apprehensive but you didn’t want to pry.

‘You sure you’re fine sitting next to me? I bet Woody is missing you’ you mumbled but he shook his head as his brows pinched together slightly.

‘No, don’t be silly, I made sure I was next to you. I know if I was next to him or one of the others I’d wake up to a mouth full of peanuts or something’

‘Well I’ll try and keep my nuts to myself’ you joked, hearing him laugh properly for the first time that morning. ‘You sure you’re okay?’

He was playing with his fingers absentmindedly before he looked up at you and your heart almost broke at the vulnerability in his eyes. ‘I’m not the best flyer. I might not be the best company unless you can think of a way to distract me’

‘Well that’s perfect cause I’m not the best either’ you laughed, rolling your eyes to try and play off how nervous you actually were but his sympathetic smile settled you.

‘We can distract each other then’ he offered and you nodded back. Unable to form a proper sentence for some reason as his chocolate eyes were making you feel fuzzy.

You sat and chatted casually for a little while as the plane filled up. Watching the air hostess give her little safety speech and he was starting to open up with you a little more, relaxing back into his seat and soon enough the plane started to move but you felt the panic roll through you.

You went ridged instantly, linking your hands together for some form of comfort and you took a small deep breath to try and calm yourself but it was no use. You felt sick and hot and you could feel Masons eyes on you but you didn’t care. Too caught up In trying to calm your own nerves. You pulled your hands apart, one now gripping the arm rest as you bunched your hoodie up between your fingers in the other but the feeling of someone’s grip around your wrist snapped you from your thoughts.

Mason lifted your hand away from the arm rest, his fingers threading through yours carefully before giving your hand a gentle squeeze. You we’re looking at him the whole time but when his eyes flashed up to meet yours and he gave you a little wink, you could feel your heart thump in your chest. Not from the nerves this time.

You grabbed your clasped hands with your free one, pulling both into your lap before resting your head on his arm and you felt him give a little chuckle before leaning into you a bit more. His head resting on top of yours as the plane sped up which caused a small whimper to fall from your lips.

‘S’okay’ you felt him whisper into your hair as your free hand moved up his arm to hold it tight to you. ‘I promise you’re safe but just squeeze my hand as hard as you want, yeah?’

Under any normal circumstances and with anyone else you would of probably felt a bit weird grabbing onto them like you were but with Mason it felt normal and he was right, you were safe but that didn’t stop another tiny whimper falling from your lips as the plane finally left the ground.

You felt him press him lips to the top of your head, leaving them there as you squeezed him as hard as you could and by the way he was squeezing you back you knew he was scared too but the way he’d seemed to of pushed that to the side to comfort you made you smile even though you felt like you were about die.

You didn’t move until the plane had levelled out, even then wanting to stay wrapped up in him but you knew you’d have to move eventually and when you pulled back to look at him, his shy sympathetic smile melted you.

‘Sorry Mason, I-‘

‘You don’t need to be sorry, honestly it’s fine. Sort of took my mind off of me being freaked out’

‘I feel like such a wimp’ you laughed, going to pull your hand away from his but he squeezed a little tighter as if he didn’t want you to let go.

‘Do you mind?’ He asked quietly, nodding down to your linked fingers, a small smile taking over his face as he gulped nervously. ‘I think I still need the emotional support’

‘Okay’ you whispered, settling back in the seat as a comfortable silence came over you.

‘You uh, thought about those rules yet?’ He laughed, trying to calm you down and change the subject. Little did he know you’d been thinking about them a lot.

‘Of course I have’ you winked, reaching for your iPad and he looked at you with a curious expression.

‘Oh yeah’ he laughed, watching with wide eyes as you opened your iPad up and went to your notes app. ‘Please don’t tell me you’ve got them written down’

‘Well I didn’t want to forget any’ you scowled causing him to laugh.

‘Go on then, what are you thinking’

‘Well, I think the first one should be no random kissing. There needs to be the intention of it going somewhere or when we’re… you know’

‘But I like kissing you’ he pouted, the crease in his eyebrows more pronounced than you’d ever seen it. You liked kissing Mason too, the fact that he’d admitted it made your skin tingle but you knew it was for the best. This was meant to be a friends with benefits situation and friends don’t kiss like you and Mason had done. ‘Come on, what else are you gonna disappoint me with’

‘No cuddling after and no sleeping in each others beds’

‘Fine, then no lingering eye contact’ he argued back, wanting to try and get some of his rules in but you were happy with that one. Eye contact with Mason was like a drug and you weren’t sure you could keep your cool with him if it was happening often so you quickly added that one to the list.

‘No sex with anyone else’ you told him and he looked back at you like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘No teasing, playing games or flirting with anyone else’

‘What do you take me for’ you laughed, typing it in anyway. ‘No telling anyone either. And the most important rule?’

‘What’s that?’

‘No feelings. At all. The friendship comes first. Deal?’

‘Deal’ he laughed, taking your iPad from you so he could sign his name and you quickly took a screenshot so you could send it to him later.

The rest of the ride was plain sailing. You watched a few films together as you spoke about what was planned for the week. As you’d joined late, a lot of things had been booked already so he filled you in on a few activities that were booked and when you were about to come into land Mason made sure he held your hand just as tightly so you weren’t scared.

You all made it out of the airport in good time, splitting into two taxis and whilst you were in the same car, Mason sat up front with the driver whilst you sat in the back next to Carly with Ben on her other side as she let you know how excited she was to have you joining. She knew you hated talking about money though so thankfully she avoided the topic and soon enough you were pulling into the drive of a huge villa.

You felt intimidated by it immediately, nothing you could ever dream of staying in without Masons help and he must have seen you looking a little overwhelmed as he left a quick kiss on your forehead when no one was looking before sending you a cheeky wink.

The others arriveded ten minutes or so after you so you used the time to give the place a once over and it was just as pretty as the pictures Mason had sent you. You felt out of place the more you walked around and everytime Mason tried to catch your eyes you couldn’t meet them. Another car was pulling up soon enough so you followed Carly down to meet everyone else in the kitchen.

‘Right there’s three rooms upstairs and two downstairs. Who wants what?’ Carly asked as you all gathered together and Mason was first in to make his argument about who should go where.

‘I think the three couples should take the rooms upstairs and y/n and I can take the two downstairs. That way the two single people don’t have to listen to you lot getting it on at god knows what time’

‘That does make sense’ you laughed, secretly hoping everyone else agreed as it would make yours and Masons little arrangement a lot easier and you could tell from the little sparkle in his eye that he’d been thinking about this for a while.

‘But you’ll be far away from me’ Carly pouted, knowing she liked her room to be close to yours when she could but for this trip you were hoping to be as far away from her as possible.

‘I know, but it makes sense, as long as everyone’s happy with it? And I’ll come up and visit you all the time’ You tried to reason but Mason had made his mind up for everyone and began picking up your bags.

‘Come on, Y/n. I’ll help you with your stuff’ he winked before nodding his head in the direction of the stairs. ‘We can all meet back here in like an hour or so?’

‘Sounds good’ Dec called, already halfway up the stairs so he could pick the best room and you laughed as Carly chased after him to try and stop him.

Once you were downstairs Mason lead you to the two rooms, doors opposite each other and you let him pick first even though they were both the same before he dumped your bag in your room and looked up at you with a shy smile.

‘I’ll um… I’ll go sort my stuff out and then come and get you?’ He asked, eyes everywhere but on you and you nodded before clearing your throat awkwardly. The air feeling like it had shifted since you got here and with one final nod he was making his way across the hall.

Mason was right, it was beautiful here and you were happy you’d let him talk you into coming away with everyone as you put all your stuff away but you still couldn’t help but feel like a bit of an imposter. You were hanging up your last few shirts when you heard him move across the hall and you braced yourself for him to come and see you.

‘Knock knock’

‘Oh, hey Mase. You alright?’

‘Yeah just coming to see how you’re getting on. You all unpacked?’

‘Almost’ you smiled, turning to hang up the last thing as he sat himself on your bed.

‘Y/n?’ He called softly and you turned to see his unreadable expression.

‘Yeah?’

‘Can I kiss you?’ He asked timidly and even though you were a little shocked, you knew you’d have to let him down a bit.

‘Mase-‘

‘Yeah I know it’s against the rules but I feel like we’re being super awkward with each other and it might ease the tension a little’ he explained, kicking yourself that you’d be so transparent.

He was right, you were being a little stiff with each other and probably could do with something to calm each others nerves so you slowly walked over to where he was sat and stood in between his legs as he carefully touched the backs of your thighs.

‘One kiss. That’s it?’

‘One kiss’ he smiled, standing up slowly and once he was close enough you rested your hands on his chest as he gripped your hips.

He started out pressing a kiss to your cheek, a smile breaking out on your face as he slowly peppered them towards your mouth before he finally popped a quick peck on your lips.

‘What was that’ you giggled

‘A kiss’ he winked, feeling the pressure evaporate off the pair of you almost immediately. ‘Always leave them wanting more’ he teased, squeezing your hips once before pulling away from you. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine. Sorry I guess I feel a little out of place’

‘Well don’t, you’ve got as much right to be here as everyone else’

‘It just doesn’t feel like it right now I guess’

‘‘Well you’ve got time to settle your debts’ he winked, a coy smile on his face as he squeezed your arm reassuringly. ‘You ready to go up?’

‘I guess so’ you huffed, following him up to meet everyone else to discuss what to do for the rest of the day. As the pair of you were the last ones up you were told you had to go and do the food shop with Woody and Kayla whilst the others sorted everything out at the villa.

You should've known it was a bad idea as soon as you started shopping. Mason never taking his hands from your body as you gathered everything from your list and it was safe to say he was driving you wild. He always seemed to have to get something from next to where you were, moving you to the side with his hand on the small of your back or reaching around you with his lips on your neck.

Thankfully Woody and Kayla were so wrapped up in themselves they didn’t seem to care what the pair of you were up to and as they rounded the corner to the next aisle towards the end of your trip you felt Mason pull you back and press you up against the glass door of the freezer. You would have been shocked but the heavy kiss he planted on you made you forget about everything else for the moment.

‘Mase, we’ll get caught’ you whispered, lips brushing against his as you spoke but he just smiled and kissed you again.

‘Sorry, that last kiss wasn’t enough for me earlier. I need a little more’ he winked and you couldn't help but smile. Truth be told you needed a little more too so you let him get away with it.

‘Well you’ve got it, let’s go’ you giggled, sliding out from under his grasp before walking him round to Kayla and Woody who we’re starting to load it all up at the till.

‘We’re just doing somewhere local for dinner, you okay with that guys?’ Lauren asked when you all got back, letting you slip off to go and get changed into something a bit nicer before meeting everyone to leave.

Mason stayed at the back of the group as you walked to dinner, talking with Woody and Kayla and you stuck with Carly so she could let you know the plan for tomorrow. Apparently it was a pool day for the most part but they’d booked a table at a club in the evening and you already began planning your outfit in your head.

‘This seat taken?’ Mason asked, holding the back of the chair next to you as you all began to take your seat around the circular table once inside.

‘No, it’s yours if you want it’ you smiled up at him, secretly thankful that he’d be sat next to you as Carly was on the other side of you next to Ben and you knew they’d spend their time all over each other.

Mason spent most of the night with his arm casually slung around your chair and whilst it meant and looked like nothing to everyone else, you felt yourself turn shy at the small gesture. He picked up on it too, eventually pulling his hand away to place on your knee discreetly but that just made you feel even more shy so after a quick squeeze he kept his hands to himself.

‘I can’t wait to get back to the villa and get to bed, it’s been such a long day’ Lauren yawned, falling into Decs body so he could give her a little cuddle and you watched on with slight envy as the other girls got loved on by their boyfriends. Your eyes falling to the table as you played with your fingers and you wished you had someone to show you a bit of affection however it was too risky to look to Mason for that right now.

He was your friend, nothing more than that and there was no way he should be acting like the other boys were with their girls but you so wished he would.

You thought maybe he sensed it too, sneaking a glance up to him and he was already looking at you with sympathetic eyes before he sent you a wink. Letting you know that once you were back you could have him all to yourself.

You were silent on the walk back, you and Mason falling behind as the others walked hand in hand with their partners but the sudden feeling of Masons arm around your shoulder as he pulled you into his side made you smile.

‘You alright there muffin?’

‘I’m alright Mase’ you sighed, resting your head on his shoulder but he just squeezed you a little more.

‘Promise?’

‘Of course’

‘You tired or do you wanna hang out for a bit when we get back?’

‘We can hang out for a bit’ you nodded, knowing exactly what he meant and even though you were nervous to say the least, you didn’t want to be on your own for now.

Everyone was off to bed as soon as you got back and once you and Mason had made it down the stairs he nodded into his room and you followed without a word. Watching him climb into bed and hold his arms out for you and you let yourself melt into his body.

‘What’s wrong, Muffin?’ He asked gently. ‘You know we don’t have to do anything-‘

‘It’s not that’ you laughed. ‘I dont know, I guess I didn’t realise how different it would be going away with three couples when you’re single’

‘I get that’ he breathed, kissing the top of your head. ‘They’re all over each other aren't they? sometimes I just wanna tell them to let each other breathe’ he chuckled. ‘Don’t feel bad though, you’re mine this week okay? and I take care of what belongs to me’

‘Yeah yeah’ you laughed, rolling your eyes but you couldn’t deny it felt nice to be referred to as his.

‘I’m serious. And I’m also serious about us not doing anything unless you want to’

‘I do want to I just…’

‘What?’ He pressed gently, lips on your head as he spoke and you nestled into him further before speaking.

‘I’m just a little nervous’ you whispered. ‘I know we’ve had sex before but we were drunk and practically fully clothed. What if you don’t like-‘

‘I’m gonna stop you right there’ he laughed. ‘Sit up for me’ he told you, sitting up himself before plonking himself down opposite you.

You weren’t sure what was happening but when he reached for the neck of his top and pulled it off you weren’t sure where to look.

‘What are you doing?’ You asked, looking up into his face and the gentle smile on his face melted you.

‘Your turn’ he told you, head nodding to the off the shoulder crop top you had on and you thanked your lucky stars you’d changed into your strapless bra earlier so you weren’t bare chested straight away.

As soon as it was off, his eyes were looking over you hungrily as he bit his lip hard. His reaction boosting your ego slightly before he stood up and pulled you with him so he could unbutton his trousers and take them off. You’d seen him in shorts before but looking at him in his fancy green boxers was a whole other story and you felt your mouth go dry.

You didn’t wait for his instruction this time, slipping your thumbs into the waistband of your trousers and you pushed them over your hips before stepping out of them.

‘C’mere’ he whispered, holding his hand out for you to take and you let him pull you into his body. His warm skin touching yours for the first time and you were surprised about how smooth it felt under your fingers. Gripping his strong shoulders as he wrapped his arms around your waist before he lent down to kiss you.

He was taking his time, slowly brushing his lips against yours as his hands travelled down to your bum. Gripping it gently as he began to knead it and you felt your knees go weak from his touches.

You wanted to feel more of him though, feel his skin against yours so you reached behind your back to unclasp your bra before throwing it to the side and the feeling of his warm chest pressed against yours made you both sigh into each other's mouths. He was turning you on in a way you don’t think anyone ever had so when he turned you both a little and gently pushed you off and onto his bed you went with it and fell back gently.

You could tell he was happy with what he was seeing, his eyes raking over your chest as his bottom lip got trapped in between his teeth but he wanted you further up the bed. Nodding his head to encourage you to move up and into the centre before he knelt in between your legs.

‘I’ve got an idea’ he told you, hands gripping your thighs gently before giving them a little squeeze and you felt your heart thud in anticipation. ‘You still nervous?’

‘A bit, yeah’

‘Maybe we should do something to ease it then, yeah?’

‘What do you have in mind?’

‘Well, I was thinking. Why don’t you show me what you like’ he asked, eyes slowly trailing over your body before looking back into your eyes. ‘And I’ll show you how I like it’

You felt your cheeks flush immediately, wondering if he was really suggesting what you thought he might have been but when he brushed his fingers over the bulge in his boxers your suspicions were confirmed.

‘Oh, I don’t know mase’

‘I know it seems scary, but once we get going you’ll be fine’ he reassured, leaning over to place a soft kiss to your lips. ‘And I promise I’ll take good care of you after yeah?’ He spoke against your lips.

You felt yourself nodding, agreeing to his plans before you’d even really thought about it and when he reached for your underwear, you lifted your hips and let him pull them from your legs. Thinking if you could just get through this part then he’d give you what you wanted and the satisfied groan that fell from his lips as he finally caught sight of you fully undressed made you shiver. The sound travelling straight in your ears and down your spine to your core.

‘You want me to go first?’ He asked, sounding almost breathless as he continued to touch himself over his boxers so you nodded to let him know he was good to go, hoping seeing him playing with himself would give you the boost you needed.

You kept your eyes on his until he hooked his thumbs under his boxers and pushed them down. Watching his hard length spring free and slap his tummy gently and you couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed.

Yes you’d felt him before but you never really got to see him. And he was big. Intimidatingly so and when he took himself into his hand and started to pump himself you almost lost it.

It’s like you were in a trance, your eyes watching his hand go up and down, drinking in the noises he was making before his free hand reached for yours in an attempt to position it where you’d follow suit and even though your cheeks were burning you went with it. Shutting your eyes as your fingers brushed over where you needed some relief.

The moans pouring from your lips only appeared to be spurring him on, eyes never leaving where your fingers were so he could memorise the way you touched yourself for later but soon enough it all became too much for him. Slowly tearing your hand away so he could line himself with your entrance and once a whimper had fallen from your lips he was gently pushing his way in.

‘Fuck’ he stuttered, closing his eyes as he moved his hips, picking his pace up almost straight away like he couldn’t contain himself and you relaxed into the sheets as he laid his body on yours. Face nuzzled in your neck as you wrapped your arms around him but it was almost as if it was over before it started. Mason moving his body up before removing himself from you and taking himself back into his hand so he could release himself over your tummy.

‘Shit shit shit’ he spat, his breathing heavy as he looked at what he’d done but you couldn’t catch his eyes to make him talk to you.

‘Mase?’ You asked, looking up to his blood red face that was full of embarrassment and when his eyes finally met yours you felt your tummy drop. He looked humiliated and scared, like you’d were about to throw him out for cumming too quickly but that was the last thing on your mind.

‘fuck I’m so sorry I couldn’t hold it’

‘Mase it’s fine-’

‘No it’s not, Jesus Christ’ he interrupted, his hand scratching the back of his neck. ‘You can tell it’s been a while huh’ he laughed awkwardly, grabbing his shirt so he could clean you up a bit. ‘There you were worrying I wouldn’t like what I saw, you’re too attractive clearly. My dick can’t take it’

‘What about last time’ you laughed, referring to your little escapade on Ben’s sink and whilst it wasn’t the longest time you’d ever gone it wasn’t as short as this.

‘I had whisky dick last time. Normally I can’t even get it up when I’ve had that much to drink so the fact I fucked you is actually pretty impressive I’ll have you know’ he laughed shyly before slipping down next to you. ‘Look just lay back so I can finish you off yeah?’

‘You don’t have to’

‘Well I do. Won’t leave any of my customers unsafisfied with my service’ he winked, a strange feeling settling in your tummy at his words but in the end you just laughed him off.

‘Mase that’s gross’ you told him but you were soon silenced as he pressed his lips to yours whilst hooking his leg around yours to keep them apart before plunging his fingers into you with no prior warning.

You thought he might try and get you to your high quickly so you could leave after what he’d done but if anything he was taking his time. Slowly pulsing his fingers inside of you as he stared straight into your eyes and the change in pace made you dizzy.

‘Mase, p-please’ you stuttered, grinding your hips down onto his hand in hopes you’d feel the friction a bit more but the teasing smile on his lips made you shiver.

‘What is it, muffin?’

‘Faster please’

‘Oh I don’t think so’ he whispered, leaning down so he could place a kiss on your lips ‘remember last time? I said I wanted to take my time with you but we couldn’t. So I’m gonna take my time with you now okay?’

‘Okay’ you nodded, knowing he’d get his own way anyway so you let him have you as he wanted. Moving himself in between your legs so he could rest his forehead on yours but the eye contact was proving too intense for you, not to mention it was against the rules, so you shut your eyes just before you felt him kiss you again.

‘You think I can have a taste?’ He asked, lips dancing across your cheek as you nodded, your legs shaking in anticipation as he kissed his way down your body. Seemily wanting to cover every inch of your skin with his lips all whilst his fingers still worked away inside of you but soon enough he was where you needed him. Kissing all over your thighs until you couldn’t take it anymore so you gently threaded your fingers through his hair so you could move him. Feeling him chuckling against you before the warmth of his tongue finally made contact with your clit.

‘Fuck Mase’ you shuddered, fingers gripping his hair even harder so you could ride his tongue. Thinking you may be pushing it a bit far but the way his free hand was roaming your skin let you know he was enjoying it just as much. Touching as squeezing every part of you he pleased and the warmth of his hand made it all feel more intense.

You reached your high soon after, arching your back off the bed as he rode you through it before you slumped back down. Chest heaving as you came back to reality but Mason settling himself next to you made you smile.

‘I’m sorry about earlier, hopefully that made up for it’ he laughed, pressing a kiss to your forehead and making you chuckle.

‘I guess we can call it even now’

‘Do you think you might have another one for me?’ He asked seductively, lips by your ear before he kissed your neck. ‘I think I might have enjoyed eating you out a little too much’ he told you. Taking your hand so you could feel him again and to your surprise he was as hard as a rock.

‘I think I might, yeah’ you winked, lips reaching up to his so you could kiss him again as you both got lost in each other once more.

y/n

liked by masonmount, okaylaaa, decalnrice and others

y/n out of office activated ✅

view comments

masonmount plane pals 🤜🏻🤛��

y/n thank you for keeping me sane 😊

carlywlms_ I still can’t believe you’re here 🥹

y/n believe it baby 🤭

laurenfryer_ THE GANGS ALL BACK TOGETHER

y/n LET THE FUN BEGIN 🤪

declanrice Mason is such a baby

y/n are just jealous you couldn’t hold his hand like normal?

decalnrice 🤐

__nads have the best time 🩷 i promise to look after your baby with my life 🧁

y/n thank you 🥰 just call me if you need me!

__nads girl relax I got this 😉

lukeshaw23 thanks for the invite

masonmount I’ll bring you back something nice 😏

declanrice 😘

woody_ hope Mason didn’t hurt your hand 😭 could hear you squealing from three rows away

masonmount yes cause I was the one that caused it 🙄

y/n sorry Mase ☹️

Tagged: @footiehoemcfc @prideofpd @yoursselo @chelseachilly @willow-writer-ivy @mm-vii @katharinanadiaa @mmountseb @carlottawllms @saltyheartnightmare @masonmtxo @harvestmount @chillymountsjess @treblebluesblog @pulisicsgirl @bluesswift @feelinglikeineedlotsofnaps

281 notes · View notes

kneelingshadowsalome · 8 months ago

Note

I am politely asking for a bit more on Königs son the angst is so yummy 🥺

König loves his baby boy... Until it starts to talk.

He absolutely adores the baby when it’s born, he can’t sleep at nights because he has to go and check if the boy is still breathing in the crib. König loves to hold him close and rock him in his lap, wants to give him baths and even changes the diapers, is so invested in the little chubby nugget that it’s a bit perplexing to see him so babbly cuddly towards someone who isn’t this poor Prince’s mother.

But when the boy doesn’t need him so much anymore, when he starts to show independence and express his own will, starts to walk and run and hide and talk back to him, it makes König uncomfortable.

He’s not in control anymore, he’s not needed. He’s the one who’s always away, he’s the unfamiliar face, the stern voice, the “strange man”, the one who makes the boy look angry or afraid. He becomes the bad guy.

It’s not bullying if his own son doesn’t prefer him, König knows it. But it still hurts to feel like an alien in his own home. It feels like a personal insult to be the last choice once again.

König’s son sees his father as a judge, a tyrant, a competitor because every time he’s home, mum’s all hearts and smiles. The parent who’s supposed to represent the whole world to our Prince suddenly becomes weak and clingy and needy.

And for what? For some big foreign man who stares him down as if he’s nothing but dirt under his boot. Asks him if he’s been nice to mum and if he’s helped her with the chores. When mum’s not in hearing distance, König tells him he shouldn’t trouble her with his crying and whining... If he’s nice and behaves, König will bring him toys from his “work trips”.

He rarely brings any because “he couldn't find anything”. Mum is the one who gets foreign delicacies, perfumes and the like. König’s son soon understands it doesn't matter how well he behaves because it will never be enough.

In his dreams, he tries to kill König every now and then. The old bastard only laughs. He laughs, even in his dreams because he’s weaker than him, not a threat at all, only entertaining when he gets mad… He laughs and just won't die.

Mum comes first, always. Whatever she says is the law. Whatever she wants, she shall have. The way his father worships this woman is eerie, disturbing, and invokes so much jealousy that König’s son is not sure who he’s even supposed to be jealous of. This stupid fucker or his mum who seems to lose brain cells every time this dick returns home and disturbs their peace?

Girls are both Madonnas and whores to him after he has watched this tyrant become a babbling, spineless mess over an upset woman. The world quakes everytime his mum is unhappy because her happiness is paramount. The only time he has seen König in tears was when his mum refused to talk to him one evening: the argument was about him, of course, and how König should apologize to their son, not to her. It takes manipulation and a passive aggressive lioness to make König say he’s sorry, but it does nothing to help the situation, quite the contrary. Who would give a fuck about a forced apology?

König’s son becomes a covert people pleaser who feels lonely wherever he goes. He’s a mama’s boy whose father seemingly hates him, an angel and a demon in one man, someone who believes his worth is measured by the things he achieves in life. How well he performs, how much money he makes, how independent he becomes. With women, another one always bites the dust, with work, he never seems to find his passion. And wherever he goes, whatever he does, nothing is ever enough.

The only way for these two to find a common ground is if the poor Prince manages to settle down with some patient, loving woman who gives him a child. A grandson or a granddaughter would make König fold and become a babbling mess once more; he's so pathetic and harmless with the baby that no one can be angry at him even if they wanted to. König would kill anyone and everyone who tried to hurt his family, even a blind man can see that.

Reconciliation happens slowly but surely, even if it's another kind of hurt to see the old man give this child all the love his son would've begged his knees bloody for. But beggars can't be choosers (and apparently a king's son has no crown), luckily König becomes softer in the head as he ages so a time may come when he thinks back on what he's done and finds the balls to wholeheartedly apologize. Might demand a touching family Christmas dinner and some whiskey though.

#könig's son #könig angst #happy ending #kinda...

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sunny44 · 2 years ago

Text

I can’t do this anymore

Pairing: Carlos Sainz x wife!reader

Warnings: fights and mentions of divorce.

Summary: Y/n is tired of living in a marriage where she is the only one who puts him as a priority.

Next chapter

I knew that marriages were not easy, and I also knew that it would be hard to be married to a guy who spends most of the year away from home.

Carlos and I met when we were 20, dated for 5 and have been married for 3, we have never had any problems that would make me think about not being with him anymore.

But lately this thought has been haunting me and silently torturing me.

We are already at a stage in our relationship where we should be thinking about having a family, or are already trying to.

Actually I was thinking about it but it seems that Carlos wants to avoid this thought at all costs.

I try to bring him into a conversation and he cuts me off, changes the subject or even says that he can't be a father right now.

This weekend was the race in Spain and me and his family were here cheering for him.

"Are you okay honey?" His mother asks.

"Yeah, just a little nauseous." At the same time she smiles.

"Honey that's great, I knew you and Carlos were at that part of the relationship but I didn't think it was this close."

"No, no I'm not pregnant." Her smile fades. "I wanted to but I'm not and I don't think I will be for a long time."

"What do you mean?"

"It's nothing." I try to deflect the subject.

"Come on, let's get some coffee." I sigh and go with her.

After we buy the coffees and find a quieter place and she returns to the subject.

"Is something going on with you and Carlos? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, or at least I think so."

"Do you want to tell me?"

"It's just that we've been together for many years now and I thought by this point in our relationship we'd be planning to have a family and everything but Carlos doesn't seem very interested in that." I took a sip of my coffee. "I guess we are at different points in our lives."

"And that worries you doesn't it?"

"It's just that Carlos has putting his career first more than anything right now and I know how important it is to him and that's not a problem for me, it never has been. It's just that at the end of it all what we have in life is our family and I don't want to have to wait any longer for him to decide he wants to before we get started."

"I'm sorry about that." I smiled and wiped my tears away.

"It's okay." She smiles and we remain silent.

…

We were already back at home, Carlos had come in second place and obviously wasn't one of the happiest but he wasn't unhappy either.

"Can we talk?" I asked sitting down next to him on the couch.

"I'm tired now."

"But you're not to watch soccer aren't you." I said ironically starting to get up but he held my hand and turned off the TV.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Let's talk."

"We're fine aren't we?"

"Of course we're fine, why are you asking that?”

"Because I feel like every time I go to talk to you about our family or the lack of it you cut me off and change the subject and that makes me feel like you don't want or you don’t want with me."

"Love is not that." He comes closer and wipes a tear that has run down my cheek. "It's not that I don’t want to have a family with you but we can't right now."

"What do you mean we can't now?"

"It's just that I really feel like I have a chance to win this year and I can't have any distractions." At this I laughed wryly.

"Distractions? Is that what I am to you? A fucking distraction." I get up from the couch. "I’m sorry Carlos that I'm a distraction to you and that me thinking about our future is something that bothers you so much, but I'm not going to stand here and let my life pass me by just because you don't want to have a family."

"What does that mean?"

"That I can't do this anymore." He got up from the couch. "I don't want to wait around anymore waiting for you to decide whether or not to have children because I want to, I want to be a mother, I want to leave something in this world after I die and I'm not going to wait around for you anymore."

"What are you saying?"

"I want a divorce."

"What? Babe don’t say that."

"I've already made up my mind Carlos. I've been thinking about it for a while and I didn't want this because I love you so much but you're leaving me no other option." He tries to get close to me but I pull away. "I'm going to get my things and go to my parents house and I'm going to start divorce proceedings as soon as possible."

I didn't even let him speak, I just went upstairs to our room and grabbed a suitcase and started putting some things inside.

When I came downstairs he was sitting on the couch in shock.

"I'll get the rest of my stuff another time." He doesn't even look at me and I even think he heard well so I just walked out leaving my whole life behind.

And that's when I realized that the worst feeling is when you don't want to give up on someone but you know you have to.

Let me know if you guys are interested in a part 2

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dearharriet · 11 months ago

Note

yooo could you write a oneshot of fem reader and eddie??? maybe with a angsty prompt, like they share some sort of trauma together but have been friends for a while & eventually realize they love each other?

i actually love how this one came out :) ty for requesting! 🫶🏻(1.2K) (cw: mentions of death)

The hand pushing your hair back is cool against your flushed skin, and it slows the tears little by little. Eddie is shushing you softly and holding your hands—or, you’re clinging to his, and he’s letting you.

Something always comes over you in the fall. The smell and the colors, it’s all too reminiscent. Small memories that gleam with nostalgia flutter around the Big One, shrouding it and then revealing it all over again. It’s hard to decide which you’re crying for.

Looking up at Eddie, you can tell he’s worried sick. You muster a wobbly smile for him, and he laughs kindly.

“Y’feeling better?”

You nod and close your eyes, and his delicate petting becomes more open-handed on your hairline. Sucking in a breath, you let the homey scent of his trailer ground you.

“Wasn’t so bad,” you remark. “This time, at least.”

“Mm-mm,” Eddie hums, wiping your damp cheeks. “Just a little one.”

Eddie would know. He’s been holding your hand through these episodes since they started.

“Do you want to go?”

To the quarry, goes unsaid.

As kids with little supervision and even less money, there weren’t many places you could go that weren’t home. The quarry became your solution. Even now, in your early twenties, diners or cinemas never give you the same relief.

Still, you shake your head. The tin roof over your head seems to contain the mountain of unhappiness well enough, and it was never really about the place.

“I wanna stay here,” you mumble. “Could we lay down?”

Eddie looks mildly shocked, but he doesn’t miss a beat.

“‘Course we can, sugar.”

Smiling tiredly, you let him walk you to the couch. You rub your face into the matching pillow as you lay down on your side, reveling in the familiar itch. Instead of laying down with you, Eddie ducks into the kitchen to get you water.

“Y'know what I’ve been thinking about, Eds?” Phlegm clogs your nose from the crying, becoming noticeable as you raise your voice to be heard across the trailer.

“Me?” Eddie asks, his tone teasingly hopeful. The faucet runs and then stops.

“How did you know,” you gasp. Eddie waltzes back to the couch with a grin.

“S’just common sense.” Eddie hands the water off to you, and fusses his way under your legs as you drink your way through half of it.

When you settle back in, on your back this time, Eddie’s looking at you softly.

“What were you thinking about?”

The thought felt so grandiose—you were hoping to shout it into existence when he wasn’t looking at you. Fingers fidgeting, you try your best.

“Um. I was thinking,” you start, “about your mom.”

Eddie’s face shifts, just barely.

“About mine and yours,” you say. “And…”

This is so stupid.

“I wondered if they’re off being best friends, just like you and me.”

Expression falling, Eddie pats your leg sympathetically.

“I don’t know that my mom deserved a friend like your mom, sugar.”

Something about his voice plants a longing in your chest, and his cold rings soothing your calves nurtures it further. It’s almost unbearable to be close to him like this.

“But maybe that’s what she needed,” you argue, though it’s barely a debate. You’re both too tired and limp and honest.

“Maybe your mom needed someone that would believe in her. Maybe she needed someone to save.”

Eddie presses his lips together, and you realize what you’ve implied a little too late. That Eddie wasn’t worth caring about, wasn’t worth saving. You backpedal immediately.

“I’m sorry, that’s not—“

“No, I know,” Eddie assures, reaching to brush the hair off your face. “I know.”

A small, sad smile creeps over you. It’s unfathomable how Eddie has learned any kind of tenderness in his short life, yet it seems to flow out of him like he can’t hold anymore. You will never understand how he’s become an unwilling pariah to a town that knows nothing about him. Maybe now, with his intense aura, but as an eleven year old boy?

Your chest houses a battle of emotions, a hurricane you can’t control. You take Eddie’s hand from your face.

“I wasn’t really thinking about our moms,” you admit. Eddie frowns. “Or I was. But only because I was thinking about you.”

Hand tightening around yours, Eddie asks, “How so?”

“I..I found that Rock ‘em Sock ‘em we stole in seventh grade. I was cleaning under my bed and I found it in an old box and I—“ You suck in a breath, shaking your head. “I couldn’t believe how old it was, or that I still had it. I…I can’t believe how long I’ve known you. Ten years.”

A glance surges between you, fraught with memories and potential.

“I was thinking about who I’d be if I’d never met you. Who you would be. If we’d even like each other—“

“‘Course I’d like you,” Eddie insists, adding a second hand to clasp firmly over your intertwined fingers. His voice is fried and shaky.

“And I was thinking—“ you continue, “—about how you came at the perfect time.”

Your turbulent emotions start to overflow, and a tear slides into your hair.

“I think our moms must have planned it.”

Eddie laughs wetly, and you realize belatedly that he’s crying, too.

“Yeah,” he agrees, “maybe.” His free hand takes your face again, and he’s nearly laying on you now. Laughing, he starts wiping your tears away all over again.

“What’s funny?”

His laugh picks up more, and you can’t help staring at his mouth, his teeth. His tongue, when he speaks.

“I’m fuckin’ sorry your mom died and all you got was me.”

Frowning, you shake your head ardently.

“Worth it,” you murmur, and Eddie’s smile turns, half pained, half awed.

“Yeah,” he whispers, grazing his thumb over your eyebrow. “Yeah, I think so, too. I’m sorry if that’s selfish.”

There’s real guilt there, but real relief, too—like he’s been holding the thought too close for too long. Fingers tracing his nose, his mouth, you say, “Eddie?”

He hums, completely involved in you. Fear and passion and impatience spin a merry web in your throat, but you push through anyways.

“Is this love?”

You’re not sure which comes first, his smile or yours.

“God, I hope so,” Eddie speaks reverently, playfully. “I can’t wait much longer.”

“Me, neither,” you croak, caught between crying and laughing.

You shimmy down while Eddie crawls up, and then it’s like every closed door is open. Your fingers are in his hair, and his hand is warming over your waist. His lips are on yours, tender and searching.

“Do you still have it?” Eddie asks, nose still rubbing yours. “The Rock ‘em Sock ‘em?”

You laugh brightly.

“‘Course I do. On my dresser.”

Beaming, he nuzzles his nose into your cheek, pressing rapid kisses on your skin.

“We gotta dust that baby off. Bet you I could still kick your ass.”

“What d’you mean ‘still‘? I did all the ass kicking!”

Eddie shushes you, sarcastically condescending.

“Ohhh, sweetheart, no. I think your memory is a little foggy.”

You try to push him away, feigning annoyance, but he wedges his way back into your arms.

“Whatever. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

“We will,” Eddie agrees, “later.”

Then his mouth is on yours again.

thank you for reading!

masterlist

#eddie munson #request #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson x y/n #Eddie munson fluff #eddie munson angst #Eddie munson fic #eddie munson blurb #stranger things #st s4 #reqs open #childhood friends to lovers

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judesmoonbeauty · 7 months ago

Text

Ellis Twilight Both Ends Bonus Story 🗡

Fan translation only. Not 100% accurate. Please expect grammatical errors. This is a SUMMARY/Semi-Translation of the bonus story. I am roughly translating this with out much research other than specific lines from certain scenes. Why? Because it's a huge task to translate a main route chapter line by line. So, this is what we're working with, and I appreciate your understanding ♥︎ Cybird owns everything. Re-blogs are appreciated, but please do not post my translations elsewhere. The summaries will be uploaded in groups.

I thought my love would make my loved ones unhappy. So I tried to only think about the other person.…..I think about my brother smiling happily that day. But I also suspect that I may have twisted my own memory. - I think he was actually very frightened. Like the lives I took for Crown. Such thoughts blur my brother’s smile that day. The truth is, I can’t even remember the look on my brother’s face at that moment anymore.

Ellis is waiting for Kate outside of a store. It’s been about 10 minutes since she’s entered and he’s getting antsy with worry about being approached by strange people. As he debates if he should go look for her or not he sees her through the shop window and is put at ease, but she was chatting with a man amicably inside which Ellis notes that she’s smiling at the man as he opens the door for her. He wonders about who the guy is and then Kate runs up to him apologizing about keeping him waiting. They talk about the man she was speaking with and he apparently helped in the past as a postal worker by drawing a map for her. Ellis called the guy a “nice person”, but was analyzing the guy in his head; he didn’t seem to have any ulterior motives, and his smile seemed genuine, plus he held the door for her. At this point, Ellis seems to compare himself to that man with himself because that guy can offer to help someone in a very natural versus Ellis who can not do that since he wants to kill someone even more if he likes them more.

He recalls his Dad telling him the day his brother died that, “Killing people and laughing about it is something demons do….Repent and atone and you may still be forgive.”

(Forgive me? Who?)

(I just wanted him to stay happy.)

(Is the way I show my love unforgivable?)

Kate is the only one he’s really confided to about his past and more and more he’s getting selfish with wanting her to love him. Because only she has forgiven him. He offers to carry the bags for him, but she refuses and it shocks him, so he let’s her carry them. He’s sad that he can’t hold hands with her, so he wraps his arms around her shoulders instead and they head back to the castle.

(I wonder if you’d be offended if I told you that I was a little anxious?)

There is a flashback to when he rescued her and she confesses that she accepts Ellis for wanting to keep the happiness of his loved ones within his grasp.

Flashing forward to the present. Jude & Ellis who’ve just finished a mission, he tells Jude that he’s sure it’s normal to feel pain when you kill someone, and Jude is like: Oh?? He wipes off the blood-soaked knife before he sheaths it; staring at the puddle of blood that spreads like splattered jam, Ellis says: “But, I’m not bothered to do this kind of work.”

(Kate is kind enough to grieve.)

The guy at the grocery store, I wonder if she’d be happier if he were her lover instead.

(But I could never let that guy take Kate away from me.)

(I don’t think I could tolerate it.)

Jude: Huh, what? Ya wanna be “normal”?

Ellis: ….no.

I don’t want to be someone else. Kate said she liked me because I’m me. It’s just -

(What can I do to make Kate smile?)

(I keep thinking about it.)

That night at the castle Kate greets Ellis when he gets back home, who was reading in his room. Kate had recently been taking an interest in Ellis’ and Jude’s work and so she decided to study up on business material. It was a serious task, but Ellis thinks it’s wonderful. Ellis didn’t let her go on the mission tonight because of the level of difficulty and because it was going to be so bloody that he wanted to protect her from it. So, she waited up for him so they could have a drink together.

She said that she’ll get the drinks ready in a set of new mugs that have matching designs on them. Ellis asked if the mugs were from her secret shopping trip before lunch earlier that day, and she confesses it was. As she offers herbal teak, hot milk or alcohol to him, he approaches her from behind and hugs her from behind and says that he prefers Kate over those options. Rubbing her cheek against his arm she says okay, feeling his hands slowly crawl up body.

(Kate’s so soft.)

It’s so different from his own, so when he touches it he gets worried.

(It’s too easy to break.)

Ellis pulls down the top of her negligee and slowly squeezes her breasts which makes her moan, and he asks if she likes it when he does this standing behind her. She says that she does because it feels like she is being completely surrounded by him and it makes her happy.

(It’s no good….Kate.)

(You’re too cute.) Ellis kisses and touches her in many of her favorite places, and even though he wants to make Kate feel good, he is painfully aroused….

Ellis: Then, I’ll do you from behind today.

Kate: Ah……

Kate squeezes his fingers inside her and Ellis pushes Kate onto the bed.

(Oh…..)

(My head is a mess.) ……Which one love???

I want to feel good. I want to feel good with Kate. He looks at her tear-stained eyes.

(It looks like Kate wants to feel good with me too….)

(Is it my imagination or….I don’t know.)

For you, for me, it’s all a jumbled mess..

Kate: Ahhhh!

Ellis: ……Ah…..Ah…..

Ellis hugs Kate’s sleeping body in the middle of the night and thinks she sounds cute. Sometimes, he thinks that they’ve reached their happiest moment as he loves her with his bloodstained hands, for another day. He dreams of the day when his dirtied with her blood.

(…..I want to stay like this forever.)

(With you in my arms.)

(I want to stare at your happy sleeping face.)

The end of this happiness, I don’t want it to come either. The moment you’re killed by me Kate is also the moment -

(Oh.)

Kate slowly lifts her eyelids and look at him drowsily and she laughs at Ellis. He asks why she’s laughing at him and she says it’s because she woke up, and Ellis was right next to her and she thought she was happy.

-No matter how much I dread tomorrow. Even though I’m not sure if you’ll really be smiling on that day that will come someday.

(I can’t help but love this person.)

Ellis: Kate….

Kate: What….?

Ellis: I love you.

Kate: ….Hm.

Ellis: I love you, I love you…..I love you.

Kate: Hmm….hehe….what’s up…?

I bury my face into Kate and she holds me to her chest. It smelled like sweetly simmered jam and it made my heart ache.

Kate: ……Ellis, are you crying?

“No,” I almost reflexively said that, but now I don’t have to hide these feelings anymore.

Ellis: …..Yea, because I’m happy.

Ellis: I’m glad because you’re smiling.

Kate: I see…

Kate reached out and patted Ellis’ head.

Kate: I love you too, Ellis.

(I’m willing to be killed right now.) I bet that if I told you that tomorrow morning that I really thought that, you’d laugh again.

I’m sure there will be more of these supremely happy moments waiting for me.

Fin.

[Master List]

#Ellis Twilight #ikevil ellis #ikemen ellis #ikevil translations #ikevil ellis translations #ellis twilight translations #cybird translations #ikevil spoilers #ikevil jp spoilers

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stylinsoncity · 6 days ago

Text

a little snippet from the thrill of it all...

Harry pauses at the doorway to the lunchroom with a Tupperware bowl held in his hands. Over by the microwave, Louis and Kate pause too. A half-second later, Kate returns to her story about a recent trip to London.

Louis’ gaze lingers.

With a shallow exhale, Harry steps into the lunchroom. “Sorry,” he says, gesturing with the Tupperware bowl. “I just need the microwave.”

“Whoops, sorry,” says Kate and noticeably sets her hand on Louis’ forearm as if to guide him out of the way, as if he needs guiding. Harry doesn’t think he’s ever had the urge to hiss until now. He feels his gums ache as he quickly puts his back to them.

He shoves the bowl into the microwave a bit roughly, jostling some soup that he’ll have to wipe up later, and sets the timer. He sets it high because the microwave sucks and takes a while to get going, also so he has more time to eavesdrop. He crosses his arms tightly over his chest as he waits, his mouth set in a firm unhappy line that neither of his colleagues can see.

He can hear the quick uptake of Kate’s heart when Louis speaks and almost feels sorry for her. It doesn’t mean she’s in love with him, Harry knows that. But she’s moved by him, which almost seems just as bad.

Harry wants to feel sorry for her because doing so sets him apart. Doing so establishes a line of demarcation between her infatuation and his own. Harry is moved by Louis, too, but in a literal sense, they’ve moved each other. Harry’s infatuation is reciprocated. Kate’s isn’t.

Except he’s not entirely sure that’s true anymore.

And at least Kate isn’t the kind of person to vacillate ad nauseum between boldness and timidity. Kate is always bold and unapologetic with her attention. Whether Harry wants to admit it or not, she’s the one to envy right now, not him.

To his relief, one of Kate’s team members arrives to fetch her for their next meeting and after telling Louis she’ll catch up with him later, she’s gone.

Louis isn’t, though. “Is that homemade soup?” he asks, sliding into the space beside Harry.

For a second, Harry just looks at Louis in an inexplicable stupor. “Uh, I don’t know. It’s Jim’s,” he says, numbly. “I’m heating it up for him.”

“Jim can’t heat up his own soup?” Louis asks with a scowl.

“It’s my fault. I offered the first time and now he keeps asking,” Harry says. “It’s honestly fine.”

The microwave beeps. Harry carefully removes the container and turns to face Louis. “Good chat with Kate?” he asks.

“You tell me,” Louis says. “You were listening to most of it.”

Harry’s mouth drops open. “I was not,” he says, aghast.

“You absolutely were,” Louis says, plainly. “What’s for lunch, then? If not soup?”You, Harry thinks. Or pretends not to think. And nearly spills more soup.

He isn’t thirsty. He fed before leaving so he shouldn’t be. But he’s also been feeding more often than usual. When he confirmed his next delivery last night, he even considered increasing his subscription level. But he’s not sure he can afford to and he’s not so desperate yet.

“I don’t know,” Harry says. “Soup actually sounds good.”

“There’s a new Mediterranean place down the street some clients seem to like,” Louis says, randomly. “Want to go?”

Harry forgets to blink.

“After you give Jim his soup,” Louis adds in the silence. “Obviously.”

“Would that not be weird…? If someone saw us?”

“As far as anyone knows, we work together and we’re just getting lunch,” Louis says. When Harry still doesn’t reply right away, Louis’ smile visibly shrinks. “It’s lunch, Styles. But if you’re busy…or you don’t want to, it’s fine.”

“No, I want to, really,” Harry says. He’s more surprised that Louis wants to. “I’ll just drop off the soup. And meet you at the lift.”

#feels strange to do a snippet on a tuesday somehow #tia #i'm not vibing w tia as an acronym but it is what it is

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nebulaafterdark · 2 years ago

Note

Can you write pt2 to Storm’s End and can it be about future events in the book? I was wondering what will y/n do in the middle of civil war now that her brother is dead and she’s married to his murderer’s brother.

I actually haven’t read the book lol. So this is just based off the things I do know. I hope you still like it!

Storm’s End Pt. 2

Aegon x Velaryon(Strong)!Reader

18+ ONLY MDNI

Warning: Violence, mentions of sex, suicidal thoughts/self harm.

Part 1

Y/N’s lungs burn, every cell in her body pleading for air. The Queen forces herself to remain submerged in the tub.

“Aegon we must seal up the passage ways beneath the Red Keep. My family will be desperate to avenge my brother and I.”

But he didn’t listen. No one did.

Y/N tried to stop it, she truly did. But Blood and Cheese had come and gone. Allowing one child, of Helaena’s choosing to pay the debt. A son for a son, that is what they took. Y/N uses the sound of Helaena’s cries to keep herself under. The look on Luce’s face after thinking he’d escaped Aemond. Only to die a moment after.

Though Y/N is done fighting, her body is not. Human instinct, she suspects. But she remains determined, soon she will be with her brother, and Ser Harwin. Ser Harwin would’ve fought for them. He wouldn’t have allowed this to happen.

The brunette is vaguely aware of the pounding at her door. Sounds like Aegon shouting, desperate to get in. He rarely allows her to bathe alone, this might be why.

“Open the door, bastard, or I will break it down.” Aemond’s muffled words find her ears beneath the water.

Bring it down, bring it all down.

Aegon scolds his brother for this of course, she is his Queen now. His beloved usurping Queen.

The light before her eyes begins to tunnel, this is it, sweet relief, her only escape from all of this. Then Aegon is there, pulling her from the tub. Pounding on her back, forcing her to bring up the water. Gasping for breath, undoing all of her hard work.

“Pleased to have you with us, my Queen. I’d hate for you to miss what comes next.”

“Hand me her towel.” Aegon snaps, without patience for such banter.

Aemond tosses it to his brother before leaving the room.

“What were you thinking?” Aegon asks, wrapping the fabric around his wife and drying her roughly.

“I don’t want to be here anymore, Aegon.” Her eyes are down, hollow, directed at his feet.

“I need you to hold it together.”

“I can’t, I’ve tried.”

Aegon grips her sweet face between his hands, “you must. You will not leave my side from now on as you cannot be trusted. Let’s get you up and dressed, there is work to be done.”

Y/N doesn’t put up much fight as he halls her to her feet, seating her in the air chair.

“I understand that you are unhappy.” Aegon begins raking the brush through her hair none too gently. “I understand that you wish to be with your family. I am not so callus to your suffering that I cannot see it. I have tried to comfort you, to coddle you, to have compassion, all to no avail. Tell me now, what more can I do! What more do you want from me?” He snaps, tossing the instrument aside.

Y/N sighs, leaning her cheek against the hand which squeezes her shoulder. “Fly me away. Come with me, leave this behind. Allow me to bring you to my family and stop this war.”

“Are you so naive to think Rhaenyra would let me live? Let my family live?”

“If we’d done it from the jump we’d be gone, across the Narrow Sea with no bloodshed.”

“Then it is my fault and this is my punishment?” Aegon tightens his fingers against her skin.

“It is not a punishment, Aegon.” Y/N blinks. “I wish to be put out of my misery, if you cannot bring yourself to do it then allow me.”

“You will live a great many years still, by my side.” Aegon moves round to the front of her, kneeling between her legs. The Queen covered only in the material of her towel. “Quit attempting to rob me of them.”

Her glossy eyes meet his, “I do love you, Aegon. Somewhere in your mind and in your heart, you must know this.”

His jaw ticks. He does love her, thus he has allowed her moon tea each time they’d made love. Why he gentles instead of punishing for her shortcomings.

“My unhappiness does not stem from being with you. It comes from this place, these people-”

“They are my family.” He moves to grasp her thighs, holding her captive.

“We could have a family of our own, Aegon. I would give you a family.”

————————————————————————

I would give you a family.

The words echo across the walls of Aegon’s mind as he takes her that night.

Soft pants and little whimpers as Y/N paws at his back. “Aegon,” her sweet voice is high, pinched, nearing the height of her pleasure.

I would give you a family.

“Give a child.” Aegon growls, against the shell of her ear.

“What?” Y/N whispers, the demand nearly lost in her delirium.

“Give me a child and we will go.”

Her fingers twist in his silver locks, seemingly holding her breath.

“Allow me to properly seed you with my heir and the world is yours. I will love them, Y/N. I will love our babe, for the half of it that is yours. I will be the father I wish I had and you will be the mother I needed. Make good on your word. Give me a child.”

“I-”

“Please.”

Y/N nods, cheek brushing against his as she does. She doesn’t panic until they are finished and Aegon remains within her as he softens, then hardens again. Fucking her through the night into the early hours of the morning and no tea follows. Only him, only her and all that will be.

————————————————————————

Aemond makes himself scarce, or perhaps it is the prospect of eradicating the Strong bloodline that has him holed up in Harrenhal.

Either way, when word comes of his disappearance Y/N feels not an ounce of grief. Her only regret, in all this, is not being able to kill him herself. She hopes they find his body, though they’d never recover Luce’s. Just to know how it happened, how did he die? Was it slow? Did he suffer? Part of her hopes so.

She knows then that she has to go, with or without Aegon. She is beginning to swell with child, soon she will be unable to deny it.

Aegon knows, he must. Surely he has noticed yet says nothing. The King’s eyes linger about her belly in the privacy of their chambers.

“There is a ship leaving port this night, carrying cargo to the Step Stones. I should like to be aboard.”

“Aegon,” Y/N exhales.

“We’ve enough gold to last the rest of our lives. We can live comfortably, far away from all this.” Y/N has kept her word, Aegon will do the same.

“What about my mother? This forsaken war?”

“Send ravens,” Aegon lifts a shoulder. “Tell Rhaenyra to come for her precious throne. There will be no resistance from me.”

“What about your family?” What’s left of it.

“My mother signed their bounties in blood. My nephew’s, my brother’s. If this is the life she wants, let her have it. I cannot stop it, I have tried.” Aegon has made his peace with it.

“When my mother is Queen, she may pardon you.” Y/N tell him. “I will ask her to pardon you. And if she will not I will stay with you, someplace where no one knows our names.”

#hotd smut #house of the dragon #aegon targaryen x you #aegon targaryen x reader #aegon targaryen #hotd aegon #aegon ii #aegon targaryen smut #aegon the elder #aegon smut #aegon x you #aegon x reader #aegon ii x reader #aegon ii fanfic #aegon ii targaryen #aegon ii x you

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dumbass-hyperfixations · 7 months ago

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I started watching 911 recently (and I’m not gonna lie, it’s mostly because of Buck’s coming out because I wasn’t gonna start watching yet a show with a very potential queerbait in the middle of an otherwise very diverse and interesting looking cast) and I’ve been loving it, and even though I’m only on season 3 now, I really want to contribute with an idea on how the show could start up Eddie’s own coming out journey (which is hopefully in the cards)

Now, I don’t know how much closer Michael Grant gets to everyone else on the show (since I’m on season 3, I haven’t really seen him interact much with anyone but Bobby and Hen from the 118, and idk if that changes or if his relationship with other characters deepens over the years), but I would really like him to be present at Chimney and Maddie’s wedding. And maybe Tommy and Buck are being cute on the dancefloor, and then the camera pans to Eddie, who is seated to the side with Marisol, looking at the pair a little wistfully (just enough for us to know that maybe sitting there with Marisol isn’t exactly what he wants to do). And then, the camera would go to Michael, noticing Eddie’s look, and Marisol’s sort of dejected and bored expression. And he sees a couple that not only appears unhappy with each other, but also sees a whole lot of himself in Eddie.

So, as the wedding reception is coming to a close, Michael is at the bar as Eddie comes by, looking for one more round as the bartender announces the last call. And as he waits for the drink, Michael strikes up a conversation with a bit of small talk (again, idk if they’re close enough to have a deep conversation right off the bat), and then goes, “hey, did Bobby or Athena ever tell you why we got divorced?”

And Eddie stumbles over the answer a bit awkwardly, like yeah, it was because, well, um, you know, because you’re …

And Michael chuckles, putting him out of his misery with a “a flaming homosexual? Yeah. No sense in beating around the bush about it. At least not anymore. You know, I was so deep in denial I never even kissed a man until I was in my fifties?”

“Really? So you’ve … only been with women until you came out?” Eddie asks and Michael nods. “And you’re sure you’re not bisexual?”

To which Michael laughs and reassures him that no, not bisexual, just a very very repressed gay man. Then, he drives his not-so-subtle point home by saying:

“And even still, I don’t have many regrets about my life. I got two incredible kids out of it, and I can’t imagine my life without them. My only regret, though, is that I spent fifteen years with a woman I couldn’t love the way she loved me, and I wasn’t even man enough to give her a chance to look for someone better. Fifteen years. That’s a hell of a lot of time to take away from someone.”

And while he speaks, we see Eddie glance across the room, to Marisol fussing over Chris. And, inevitably, to Buck laughing along with something Chimney said on the other side of the room. And when he looks back at Michael, he sees a very knowing expression on his face.

“What are you trying to say?” Eddies asks, still guarded as hell, to which Michael chuckles.

“Nothing, man. I guess I just officially entered my lonely gay drunk at the bar days. But if I can pass a little wisdom. If can already you feel it in your gut that you’re not with the right person, maybe don’t be like me and spend the next fifteen years trying to figure out what you already know.”

And then he leaves, and BOOM, Eddie is forced to realize things he would much rather keep repressed.

#i know im new to the fandom but gosh #michael and eddie’s stories parallel each other in so many ways #ESPECIALLY IF eddie is going to come out as gay at some point #and i would just die to see michael having his paternal guiding hand in his coming out #it doesn’t even have to be the wedding it could just be a family fire house gathering #just let michael tell his story to eddie and maybe wake him up to non-comphet possibilities in life 😭😭#eddie diaz #911 abc #911 show #gay eddie diaz #buddie #911 buddie #eddie x buck #buck x eddie #eddie diaz x evan buckley #evan buckley x eddie diaz

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olivia-crains · 2 months ago

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“I have been a therapist for two decades, I have seen hundreds of people, and I can say with absolute certainty that I have never met anyone with more self hatred than you.”

I never thought I would be 31 years old and in this position. My pastel apartment walls stare back at me, the opposite of my innards. The walls of my home are lined with various artworks from my favorite movies and shows, even my favorite people. My books and records are colored coded and sit aligned perfectly on the shelves before me. But all I can focus on is the key sitting on my coffee table, shaming me for my acts completed earlier today.

“Remember her?”

Her title card is a stark white.

You see the real Elisabeth Sparkle, she is so unbelievably beautiful, thin, successful, it appears that people love her but once alone you can tell she is unhappy. When someone matches your internal monologue, it make it fact. Harvey discrediting her and firing her and essentially degrading her, the sliver of self love Elisabeth had left, has died.

I realize many will call me stupid and say I missed the entire point of the movie, but this is my personal take on it.

I am 31.5 years old. I have not experienced a moment of self love. Please do not be like me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s completely exhausting and all consuming. I spend every waking moment thinking of things I hate about myself, and each and everyday I come up with something new. And when people start pointing out those things and agreeing with me, it validates the hatred. It validates the violence. It gives it more power. It makes the hole even deeper.

The car accident is so violent and yet, there is not a scratch on her. This may be untrue but it seems to me that she wished she died in that car accident. She has nothing to live for anymore. Her success is over. Her life is over. The physical appearance of her, sitting on that table, hunched over, a blank stare with dried tears on her face, but still there, its a visual I can’t shake. You’re still here and people so want you to be grateful, but all you can focus on is the bad.

I can’t think of even one thing I like about myself. I am overweight, my nose is difficult and gigantic, my skin is pale and covered in freckles and moles, my boobs are small, I have various skin issues, my teeth are yellow and crooked, my hair is shit brown and grey, I have thin short eyelashes, I have short and patchy eyebrows, I suck at doing my makeup, I have no sense of fashion, but the worst part of me, is what is inside.

“Everything comes from you.”

Elisabeth examines herself before activating. She scans every inch of her body, the shame radiates through the screen even when she is simply ordering The Substance. She is already so ashamed and she hasn’t even administered the drug yet. She is taking a step to try to be better. To meet the best version of herself. It is so heartbreaking.

“Would you like to stop? Go back to being just you. On your own.”

Sue’s title card is bright pink.

Elisabeth takes care of her. She places a rolled towel under her head, she makes sure she is comfortable, she makes sure is fed, she takes such good care of her, almost maternal. She looks at her with love and care, not envy just yet, how we would maybe view our past self or even little us. Before we really get to know ourselves.

Elisabeth counts down the days until Sue takes over, she sits at home, binge eating and watching television in her chair, further shaming herself. Why not make things worse? She keeps herself locked away and further isolates.

Self loathing is so paralyzing. Its so easy for people to say ‘just move forward, don’t look back!’ There is no moving forward. You are still there at the finish line. You.

“That this part of yourself is still worth something.”

Elisabeth sees the boy Sue has been fucking and feels the need to call Fred. You see a glimpse of the Elisabeth that loves herself in the scene. But the phone call with Fred is so vulnerable, he feeds her heart and ego in a sincere way and you can tell she feels like magic again, even if only for a moment. She brings down the ‘old junk: Elisabeth’ box from the closet, she puts on her red dress and gloves, she does her makeup and even smiles as she gets ready. She feels beautiful. She feels confident. For the first time in a while.

She looks at Sue’s lips. Starts over. She looks at Sue’s body. Starts over. She sees the billboard. Starts over. She keeps going back and checking. Looking for imperfections. She finally turns to violence and smears her makeup, pulling and beating her face, destroying the physical self and returning to her room to isolate and ignore the man who genuinely adores her. She was so close to having a moment of self acceptance.

I have been trying to find words to describe how visceral and all consuming self hatred is, and I have failed. It is something indescribable. It affects every single aspect of your life. The date scene does more than words ever could when it comes to describing self hatred.

“I can’t do this. I need you. I hate myself. Come on! They are going to love you so much. You’re the only lovable part of me. You have to come back.”

The attempted termination scene rings through my head. My immediate reaction to watching that scene was one of such intense fear, vomit crawled up my throat as I fought back tears. Demi’s delivery is completely soul crushing, the way she says the words above, each word said differently and laced with such intense hatred and pity all at once. It broke my heart. It was the first time in my life that I have maybe seen what others see when I treat myself in such a way.

Feel like I have to add this here and say that Demi Moore’s performance as Elisabeth Sparkle will sit on what I call my heart shelf for the rest of my life. She joins the likes of Nina Sayers and that’s a huge honor, in my eyes. It’s a performance so gutting and comforting I will reference it in times of turmoil for the rest of my days. Nina and Elisabeth. Two halves of my shriveled and broken heart.

There is so much self violence in this movie, and I realize that is the point but the way it is portrayed profoundly affected me. Sue holding Elisabeth up to the mirror and bashing her head in, but making her take a good long look at herself first. It is so extreme but internally, that violence is so much worse than one can ever imagine. There is a great deal of humiliation in this movie that I noticed a lot more on rewatches. Dragging her down the steps, making her look at her ugliness in the mirror over and over again.

Stop it. In the mirror. Hitting her head. Stop it. On the bathroom floor. Banging her head against the tile. Stop it. Sitting at the kitchen table. Alone. Hitting her head with her hands. All of this after she experiences moments of humiliation or pieces of herself come to the forefront of her mind.

The choice to kick Elisabeth to death, I mean god…kicking someone to death takes so much effort and energy, the scene itself feels never ending, you’re praying for it to stop while some in the audience are laughing at the absurdity of the scene. The blood spraying Sue more and more with each kick, Jesus Christ.

I am not worthy of self love. My life is pathetic to an extent I’m not sure anyone would ever resonate with. I am alone. I am a loser. I have no one. I have never been loved. I have never been touched. And the only person to blame is myself.

I am the meanest person you will ever encounter. I judge people who love themselves to the point it makes me hate them and resent them, I can’t understand it. How could anyone love themselves? But then I look at their lives and see why they do. They are loved. They get fucked. They have friends. They have talent. They have children. They have husbands. They have wives. They have a life. They are good people. They are thin. They are attractive. They have no flaws.

I do nothing for no one. I sit at home 7 days a week and stuff my face and watch reality television. I sit and stew in my self loathing and enact terrible violences toward myself on a minute by minute basis. I don’t feel worthy of the steps I take. I don’t feel worthy of the breath I make, nothing. I wish I was a completely different person. I would give anything to be anyone other than me.

I see people do things to better themselves and it makes me want to do the opposite, as if I’m somehow better than others because I’m humble and despise myself. Writing that now is the first time I’ve ever really thought about how ridiculous that is and how completely unfair to even myself that is. It makes me wonder if I even want to improve or if I want to be a person that lives in the past, worshipping my former body, my former self.

“Don’t be scared! It’s still me!”

The bleeding never stops. And in the end, only you remain. Even if its in the form of a monster. You’re still in there.

I took it too far today. As I dragged the key into my arm and saw the blood dripping down, I was met with so much shame. I was embarrassed over the way I was perceived and the way I acted over, idk, most of my life? But when I socialize and can’t control the way I am being seen and the way I act, the shame is so intense I have to find an energy outlet. Its so difficult to separate these thoughts from the desires to immediately carve out a piece of flesh or inject yourself. And now I am met with likely a lifelong scar that will serve as a permanent reminder of how much I hate myself.

Elisabeth ignores her own potential. It’s so deeply upsetting to see a character like Elisabeth feel this way and watching her downfall and how she becomes her own worst enemy. How can someone like that feel such a way? Look at her! Look at her life!

You always come back to yourself. Even as you fade from existence.

Coralie Fargeat’s The Substance is cathartic for those of us who hate ourselves. I wish I could kill so many part of myself, but The Substance made me realize that maybe beneath it all there is something about me that is worth celebrating, even if I haven’t discovered what exactly that is yet.

“It changed my life.”

#the substance #coralie fargeat #demi moore

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pupphe-additions · 10 months ago

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What Happened?

Word Count: 2,380 TW/CW: Swearing, talks of bullying/teasing/mean girl behavior, talks of anxiety as well. Also mentions the fear of being alone and being ignored. Note: This is a work of fiction, I am not saying these girls are actually mean girls. Don't hate. It's not real. Don't like it just keep scrolling thanks Overview: Evie finally talks about the Anti ITZY controversy with some of the SKZ boys and speaks out on it on her Instagram. Request? Technically yes by @elizalabs3 Who's Involved: Danceracha (Hyunjin, Felix, and Leeknow) and Evie

January 14th, 2024

Evie has been acting really strange recently, and the boys have all taken notice. Every time they’ve asked her what’s bothering her she just tells her that she’s fine and that they are being over dramatic and over analyzing her behavior. She’s been trying to mask how she’s been feeling but it’s gotten to a point where she can’t keep doing that anymore. One more question and she feels like she is about to explode. She feels overly stressed and doesn’t know how to express it, she tried doing her normal distractions but they aren’t helping. Comments are laying heavy on the idol's mind as she paces the length of the room and rubs her arms.

Hyunjin finally breaks a silence that no one even realized was there. “My love, what’s wrong?”

Evie lifts up her hand dismissively. “Don’t.” She barks in a harsh tone.

“Evie, don’t lash out at Hyunjin.” Felix says gently, grabbing her hand to get her attention. “We’ve all noticed you’ve been bothered. You can talk to us about anything, you know this. We love you, we don’t like seeing you suffer in silence like this, Bear.”

“It’s seriously nothing.” Evie says, pulling her hand away from Felix and walking away.

The two boys shake their heads at one another before following Evie, they are determined to get the truth out of her and will not stop until they get answers. She’s been acting weird for over a month, so something is clearly wrong. Evie can hear the boys quickly follow behind her and she rolls her eyes. She knows these two won’t stop until they get some sort of answer from her, but she doesn’t know how to talk about this. She hasn’t known how to talk about it, that's why she hasn’t.

“Oi! Ari! Wait up!” Felix says from behind her and she stops and turns to face him with her arms crossed over her chest.

“What do you guys want? Can’t you just leave me alone? I clearly have nothing to say to you.”

“No. We can’t leave you alone.” Hyunjin says as he stares at Evie.

“You may not have something to say but you definitely have something on your mind, so why don’t we just sit down and talk about it.” Felix pipes in carefully.

“Yeah, we can all cook or order food and eat and just figure this out together.” Hyunjin says softly brushing her hair out of her face as he steps toward her. “I hate seeing you so tense and worked up like this Vi.”

Evie sighs, there’s no way of getting out of it this time. “Fine. Let’s eat while we talk about this, I don’t think I can do this without motivation.”

“Thank you.” The boys say in unison before they all decide what to order for food.

While they wait for food to arrive Evie and the two boys sit down and she rehearses what she wants to say in her head a few times, each time she is unhappy with it. How does she talk about something that happened like six years ago? Something that she's avoided like the plague since her debut with Stray Kids. It’s just awkward to even think about anymore. She should’ve just sucked it up and gotten over it but she never got closure so it all still hurts every time it’s brought up. With the new resurgence as well it is just too much. Evie must’ve gotten lost in her thoughts because the next thing she knows Felix and Hyunjin are walking up to her with the food they ordered in their hands.

“Alright Evs, foods here.” Felix beams as they sit on either side of her and they sort out who’s food is whose.

“Yeah…” Evie says with a forced smile. She takes a few bites before she picks at it trying to muster the courage to talk about it.

Evie shakes her head and slaps her cheeks to hype herself up. “This is hard to talk about.” She shrugs as she stares at her food, picking at it with her chopsticks again.

“We aren’t going anywhere Vi, take your time.” Hyunjin reassures placing a hand on her leg and squeezing it slightly as he does.

“Yeah, I know. You’ve been pestering me all day, it’s giving me a fucking migraine.” Evie says rubbing her temples before taking another bite of food.

After swallowing her bite she sighs, “I guess I should just rip it off like a bandaid huh?”

“If that’s how you want to do it mate.” Felix replies, shrugging.

“This is fucking weird to talk about it’s been so long…”

“What is it about?” Hyunjin tilts his head as he asks.

Bluntly Evie says, “Itzy.”

“That’s what’s been bothering you? The Itzy comments?” Felix seems confused.

“Yes and no. It’s more what the girls did to me and how they treated me. I’m supposed to just be happy around them and not hurt. I have yet to get a fucking apology for how awful they were to me.”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen as he sees Evie make a tight fist, clearly getting overly emotional. “What’d they do to you my love?”

Evie shakes her head and her hands trying to process everything. Is she really talking about this? “I need a minute… Please…” her voice cracks as angry tears threaten to fall. The boys just nod and let her take her time.

“You have to remember I haven’t even talked about this in therapy yet… So this is me finally processing it after all those years okay…” Evie says before taking big bites of her food to try and forget the conversation at hand.

“That’s why it’s bothering you so much.” Felix observes and the girl just nods her head as she finishes the big bite she just took.

“Yeah…” Evie sighs once more before speaking again. “As you guys know after I was cut from the show and from the group in 2018 I trained with Itzy for a while. And to say I was an outcast is an understatement. Those girls treated me like I was fucking dirt. Do you know how that feels? The group of people who you are supposed to live with and spend the majority of your time with hating your fucking existence. That hurts so much more than anyone could possibly know.”

Evie has to stop speaking as tears fall from her eyes and she starts to shake, emotions she’s never truly processed hitting her like a stab right in her heart. She feels so small, so broken. She wants to scream and punch things but she knows that won’t fix anything. The two boys sit in stunned silence staring at the crumbling female before them. They can tell she’s not done talking but they just do their best to comfort her, they don’t add anything worried they’d make it worse. Hyunjin rubs your leg gently as Felix lays her head on his chest near his heart and he steadies his heartbeat and breathing for her to listen to as he knows that’s something that brings her a lot of comfort. After a few moments she clears her throat and continues to talk.

“It started with one but then they all sorta just gained up on me. It was like they said ‘bully the reject she can handle it.’ I was like their verbal punching bag. What hurt the most though was when they made fun of my speaking, as if I can control having an accent or having ‘weird’ Korean… I was fluent in Korean at the time too so I don’t understand what their issue was with me. I didn’t do anything to those girls. It was like they were mad that I almost debuted before them or something. There’s no way PD-nim didn’t see the way they treated me, they didn’t fucking hide the fact they didn’t like me. So yeah, when they debuted I did feel some sort of way but guess what I got over it. I trained with the NMIXX girls until it was time for me to come back to my home, you guys, and when I was with them it was heavenly. They treated me with so much love and respect, maybe because I was the oldest or maybe it’s because they weren’t in a hateful mood I don't know.”

Evie takes a deep breath realizing she was talking really fast, at a slower pace she continues. “I know you can’t get along with everyone and I understand and accept that. However, to treat someone with so much hate and disrespect feels uncalled for. I never once did anything to instigate anything, and to think. Chaeryoung asked me to do a dance with her on tiktok. NO. Leave me alone. Like, haven’t you done enough when you were doing mean girl behavior with your other members toward an already beaten down trainee?”

When Evie finally looks up she notices that Lee Know was leaning on the door frame, he seemed to have been listening from afar. She waves him over and he comes and sits with them. Everyone is silent for a few moments as Evie processes everything.

“I’m not an anti. I just don’t want to show support toward people who were hateful toward me, maybe that had a bad couple of weeks/months. That doesn’t mean take it out on me. Unless maybe they didn’t want me on the team and at that point just be honest and don’t be mean about it? I don’t know. Just the way they went about it and then no one apologizing even after years just seems wild to me.” Evie shrugs. “I don’t know how to talk about this with the public because I don’t want Itzy to be hated, I just want an apology so I can just get that awful chapter closed and maybe I can heal.”

“I understand. If you want we can maybe try and help you talk about it? To put the rumors to rest and ease your mind a bit.” Lee Know suggests.

“That’d be nice…”

“Hey, Evie.” Hyunjin says. “We love you. I’m sorry they treated you like that, that’s not fair to you. I think you should report it if it’s still affecting you after so long, I mean for an entire month you barely slept and have been acting really strange because of the internet calling you an anti again.”

“I’m not gonna do that.” Evie says fast. “It’s fine. I’m fine really. It just gets exhausting seeing people saying I’m an anti all because they debuted before me and without me. So what if I didn’t make the original line up, I’m clearly much happier where I am now so what’s the big deal?”

The boys shrug and Felix speaks this time. “I think people just want a reason to hate you mate. The fact they can’t find one bugs ‘em so they bring this up every six to eight months to get a reaction outta ya.”

“Maybe but it’s heartbreaking because even some of our stays think I’m bitter. I am not bitter, just broken-hearted. Is that the same? I don’t think so.”

Lee Know sighs. “I don’t get why everyone has to try and start something with you. You’re just trying to live your life. Let’s make a post on your Instagram and pin it yeah? We can also have an official statement released too. Let’s just say you aren’t an anti, because you said you aren’t, and we can either come up with some bullshit excuse or be straight up honest and just say we just don’t get along and that’s okay we are human. Or something. Up to you of course. It’s your situation after all.”

Evie scratches at her arm before she grabs her phone. She puts the camera against her leg to have a solid black background before writing her statement first in English then in Korean on two different slides. She puts them in the only highlight that is on her page labeled “itzy.” The statement reads as follows:

Hello everyone, this is Evelyn. You may know me better as Evie from the KPop group Stray Kids. This post is going to be a bit different from anything I��ve ever done before. This is my official statement about all the rumors and allegations that I am an Itzy anti. I would like to say I am NOT an Itzy anti. I’ve never been an Itzy anti. The girls and I just didn’t get along in our trainee days, maybe now that we are older we could try for a friendship but I am by no means an anti. I actually enjoy some of their music. I just avoided them due to conflicted feelings I felt about everything that happened. Although we didn’t get along, I will always wish the best for them and wish them nothing but good luck in any future endeavors they have. I’m sorry for not speaking out sooner or talking about this sooner, I never really knew how to address this without giving away too many details as this is something that is extremely personal to not only me but the girls that are in Itzy. Next time something comes up I will be sure to handle it differently, and hopefully better. I ask you guys to not pry any farther into this as I do not want to talk about it anymore than this. I am only human, as are they, I deserve privacy as does everyone else. Just because I am an idol doesn't mean I do not deserve privacy. Thank you for listening.

She showed the boys the statement and they all agreed it looked okay and before okaying it with any of her managers or the staff she just posted it. She didn’t care if she got in trouble, she just was tired of hearing it. After the post she turned her phone off, not wanting to hear or see the reaction of the public and she just sort of sat there on the floor and cried as the, now three, boys tried their best to calm her down and help her get out of her head.

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