#she’s defying a universal law by getting closer to me rn instead of farther away
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#personal rant inbound pls scroll past sorry for all these#anyway#why’d I have to find her during one of my mental illness peaks#it’s only gotten this bad a handful of times#and everytime it does I lose damn near everyone and everything#she’s defying a universal law by getting closer to me rn instead of farther away#and god I hope it doesn’t stop#I want to hit the limit of how close 2 individuals can possibly be#everybody always adopts my jokes and my phrases and stuff I encroach into everyone who’s around me#I infect them#and suddenly they adore me and everything I do is hysterical or iconic#I need to see her#she can’t be immune to my revolting power#I’ll infect her so she never desires anybody else#but is that fair? I actually like this girl#I want better for her#she could very easily find somebody better than me she can toss me aside so easily#and on the flip side if she leaves me I’ll never find someone like this again I’ll just be alone#until I find another girl who likes to cut and roofie me#and I’ll just let her ruin me until I try to OD again or something#am I stupid for hoping I can have something real with this girl?#when history repeats itself so much it just feels like a curse that will always tear down anything I manage to grab into#I’m meant to be abused and destroyed and left to die#it’s happened before and I shouldn’t have survived#now they won’t even let me kill myself#she doesn’t realize that I’m nothing and that she showed up at a stupidly fragile time she can kill me with words alone#and if she does I’ll have surely deserved it for wasting her time and thinking I could be good enough#I need her but she absolutely does not need me#please don’t leave me I can’t go back to what I used to be I’ve been mentally regressing lately#I don’t wanna regress back into that but I also don’t want to be the sad thing I am now
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