#she’s 17 so like maybe she just has a worse case of brain rot

[fridayiminlovemp3]

ohmygod tiktok is ruining a whole generation because i was playing music at work and i put on good luck babe and my coworker was like woah this outro is crazy? i’ve honestly never listened this far before it’s really good. and i was like ??? what do you mean? and she said that she usually skips most songs after 2 minutes because she gets bored 😭😭😭😭 and then someone else said that their boyfriend does that too. HELLOO?!?????? HELLO????!!!!!! and i was like this insane do you guys not listen to albums because i love hearing songs blend into each other, and she said she doesn’t. like at all 😐

[godofsexdrugsandrocknroll]

On A Tropical Island

Jaune: Great. Just great. Now I’m lost and all my friends are missing too! I’m too angry to be depressed!

Neo: *Head pops out of the sand, spitting it everywhere*

Jaune: Oh, even better. Now I have company. This can’t possibly get any worse! *Ignores Neo glaring*

-----------------

Jaune: Stop following me! You’re a bad girl!

Neo: *Cocks eyebrow*

Jaune: *Blushes* Not what I meant! I mean you’re evil! And all you’ve done to help so far is poke me with a stick! *Is poked with a stick* Dammit, stop that!

Neo: *Pokes him in the butt instead*

Jaune: OW! That’s not what I meant you menace!

Neo: *Preens at being called a menace*

Jaune: And stop trying to be cute, too!

----------------- 

Neo: *Tapping bare foot*

Jaune: Okay, so maybe my sense of direction isn’t the best. *gets The Look* Alright alright already, jeez. We’re back where we started, your shoes, your jacket and my armor are now forever lost to the wilds and it’s not my fault!

Neo: *Stares*

Jaune: *Shifts guiltily* Okay maybe it is, but if I had a map *Neo crosses her arms, reigniting The Look™ * we’d still probably be lost since the rest of team RNJR banned me from the map after reading it backwards and upside down.

Neo: *Nods firmly, taking the lead*

Jaune: For the fourth time.

Neo: *Turns, gapes in shock, shakes her head and grabs him by the hand*

Jaune: *Offended* Hey, I’m not a child! I won’t get lost!

Neo: *Looks at him through her eyelashes*

Jaune: *Sighs* Okay, fine. But only because getting lost in a weird jungle is way worse than getting lost in the grocery store at 14.

Neo: *Stops, removes belt, ties end around his wrist and grabs the other end*

Jaune: *Starts whining*

----------------- 

Jaune: Dear diary *ignores Neo’s pointing and silent laughter* today is day 17 on the worst island to ever exist. Butthole and I -- OW, SHIT-FUCK-SHIT! I really hate that you sharpened your stick into a spear! Fine, Neo and I finally have a a good system in place for food. We’ve got our firepit, Neo turned my armor we found into a pan, one pot and a skillet, my impeccable home economics have saved our asses and we’ve got a spit for roasting things over the fire!

Neo: *Munches happily on roast rabbit*

Jaune: It’s really working out! Neo’s great at the spotting and tracking, I get to use the spear to hunt and there’s plenty of these really stupid semi-intelligent rabbits that seem to have a language of their own that are really good when you cook ‘em just right. *Pauses* I think they might have stolen my shirt though, I haven’t seen that thing in like four days.

Neo: *Mentally reminds herself to burn the eye candy’s shirt before he finds it*

-----------------

Day 28

Jaune: Ow, stop kicking me! I said I was sorry!

Neo: *Jumps on Jaune, bites his ear*

Jaune: AAAGGHH!!! Dammit Neo, how many times do I have to tell you not to bite me! It’s not my fault that seagull stole your hat! In case you hadn’t noticed, it stole Pyrrha’s sash too!

Neo: *Jumps off him, gestures emphatically*

Jaune: I know, you angry little troll! *Instead of attacking him again, Neo just stares at him sadly* I-I... *sighs* I know. I know. I really wanna kill that thing too. It’s...it’s all I had left of her too. All you had left of Torchwick. But we’re stuck here. We can’t find my friends and this island is huge.

Neo: *Nods unhappily*

Neo: *Jabs him with her stick spear*

Jaune: Yeah, we can kill any seagulls we see. *Neo blinks, considers trying to get her point across but nods*

-----------------

Day 49

Jaune: How do you set everything on fire! I told you we needed just enough to warm ourselves!

Neo: *Lunges at Jaune, leaves fire to burn*

Jaune: *Is strangled*

-----------------

Day 54

Neo: *Admires Jaune’s ass in jorts*

Jaune: I still don’t understand why you had to ruin my jeans. Tossing the boots into that bottomless pit, I get. My feet thank you. Uh, except when I keep stepping on sharp rocks and twigs. But really?

Neo: *Points at him, hand fans herself and panics, shaking her head rapidly*

Jaune: *Oblivious, insulted* Yeah, yeah, I’m sweaty! Fine, fuck having pant legs! I wanna get scratched and bitten by those weird little blue people again!

Neo: *Blinks, shakes her head in exasperation and relief*

-----------------

Day 59

Jaune: I can’t believe you committed genocide because those blue people stole your top! Neo, they just wanted a tent!

Neo: *Glares murderously at Jaune, covering her frilly pink and white bra with her hand and arm*

Jaune: *Gulps* I-I-I-I know! It’s upsetting, but murder isn’t always the answer!

Neo: *Uses free hand and makes bunny ears*

Jaune: Hey, those rabbits might be really stupid but they’re super mean spirited! One tried to drop a rock on my head and don’t you dare say it’d be an improvement!

Neo: *Startled, laughs*

Jaune: *Sheepish, laughs too*

Neo: *Continues laughing, eventually noticing Jaune has stopped and is red in the face, wide eyed*

Neo: *Notices she moved her arm and Jaune is staring at her chest*

Jaune: *Notices Neo’s glare and red face* W-wait, hold on a minute now, I didn’t mean to--

Neo: *Glomps, bites his nipple*

Jaune: *Girlish screams that can be heard for miles*

-----------------

Day 72

Jaune: No, put the berries down. You can’t just keep eating fruit all the time, you’re already very small and need to keep yourself healthy if you don’t wanna lie rotting as a corpse on this island forever.

Neo: *Grabs a huge handful of berries, shoves them in her mouth smugly*

Jaune: Dammit Neo, stop being so bratty! I’m only trying to help! *Grabs Rabbit jerky* Now do your body good, open your mouth and eat my meat!

Neo: *Gags, chokes, spits mushy berries out and kicks Jaune in the solar plexus for the phrasing*

Jaune: *Wheezing* I swear I didn’t mean to OH X-RAY AND VAV, SAVE ME!

Nearby Seagull: *Hearing the abyssal, shrieking screams of the Tall One, flies off in terror and decides to move the family nest*

Neo: *Biting, kicking, punching and pinching*

-----------------

Day 88

Jaune: I can hardly shave Neo, if you don’t remember my sword’s a jagged piece of sharp metal these days!

Neo: *Shows off shaved armpits, shows off shaved legs having long since created shorts from her capris and shows him a wooden knife*

Jaune: I should be concerned that you’ve created another stabby, but somehow -- GASP! *Actually gasps, clutches his beard* No! You wouldn’t!

Neo: *Grins*

Jaune: Please don’t, beloved friend of mine.

Neo: *Touched*

Jaune: What? We are. I mean sure you bite and attack me way more than most normal people do but you did save me from that rabbit mercenary group that tried to use a swinging log to splatter my brains against a tree. You might’ve been a bad guy once, but it’s nearly been three months and you’ve more than proven yourself. And I can’t really not call you a friend when I feel guilty about how I treated you.

Neo: *Smiles, undoes her bra*

Jaune: Wait, WHAT!? *Neo jumps on him and smiling happily, gives his cheek a kiss and starts shaving* WAIT NEO NO, THAT’S NOT FAIR YOU CAN’T USE BOOBIES AS A WEAPON LIKE THA- *Neo shakes her body side to side* -GGRRRGGG! That is so cruel. You’re the worst friend ever. I’m glad you have to sit on my ribs and not my lap because that would be even worse.

Neo: *Continues shaving*

----------------- 

Day 146

Jaune: *Using his semblance* See, what’d I tell you? They get smarter! No way are those little demons gonna fall for the same trap twice.

Neo: *Lets Jaune heal the bloody bite marks from a rabbit, squirms*

Jaune: Stop it, you’re fine. *Kisses healed hand* Booboo be gone!

Neo: *Blushes brightly, stares wide eyed*

----------------- 

Day 179

Neo: *Spinkicks boulder about to crush Jaune*

Jaune: Thanks Neo! *To a small, derpy looking anthropomorphic rabbit* Your wretched plan is foiled you vile creature from the deepest pits of hell! Now do me a favor and get stabbed!

Neo: *Spins away, clutching her beating heart as the sound of a vicious goring occurs*

Jaune: Another day, another dead rabbit! Oh look, there’s more! *Offers the Spear of Ultimate Stick to Neo* You wanna eviscerate the next couple?

Neo: *Wonders what this feeling is*

----------------- 

Day 187

Jaune: *Gaping stupidly at Neo’s perfectly lit fire* W-wha? How!? Two months ago you lit my hair on fire *brushing hand through short, unstyled blondeness* but n-now...

Neo: *Smugly roasting bird meat*

Jaune: *Scoops Neo into a hug, spins the wide eyed mute* I understand how Dad felt when I finally learned to tie my shoes in the 6th grade now! I’m so proud, Neo! OW!

Neo: *Spits Jaune’s shoulder blood out, turns away blushing*

Jaune: Still proud. *Notices Neo blushing, deliberately not looking at him* Uh-oh. *Quietly, to himself* Oh no. I recognize this feeling. Ohhh shit. Okay, what the hell Jaune!? You see her boobs and you feel awkward about your boner for three days, but she looks all cute and embarrassed and that’s what does me in!? What kind of bullshit is this!?

Neo: *Oblivious, cupping her cheeks and cutely twisting back and forth*

-----------------

Day 219

Jaune: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: *Silently screaming at the top of her lungs*

Jaune: OH MY GOD NEO WHY THE FUCK IS HE SO BIG!? *Looks fearfully back at a 12 foot tall, musclebound, derpy looking anthroporphic rabbit sprinting at them with rage in its unthinking eyes*

Neo: *Frantically mimes stabbing*

Jaune: NEO, WHAT THE FUCK, I THINK HE’S TOO SWOLE FOR HUSHABYE!!!

Neo: *Heart flutters at Jaune’s name for their spear*

Giant Rabbit: ▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!

Jaune: *Ears ringing*

Neo: *Points at Jaune’s crotch, mimes stabbing*

Jaune: *Pales* THAT’S PROBABLY THE MOST EVIL THOUGHT YOU’VE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE! *Neo pouts, mimes it again* I’M JUST SAYING, NOT JUDGING, LET’S DO IT! *Uses semblance*

Neo: *Commits murder most foul*

Jaune: *Whips out the wooden knife* I’M SO SORRY FOR THIS, YOU OVERGROWN FREAK OF NATURE! *Jumps on the screaming body of the mutated rabbit, starts stabbing*

~~5 Minutes Later~~

Jaune: *Covered in blood, wipes forehead* Phew. Killing something this big really takes it out of you.

Neo: *Covered in blood, staring at Jaune wide eyed*

Jaune: Kind of a shame he looks basically human. Save for his stupid head, I guess, because I kinda don’t wanna eat anything that’ll make me feel too cannibally. *Puts hand on chin, blood drips* But I kinda think this is like the Final Boss of those rabbits. Maybe chop his head off and put on a pike like you did with that poor little blue guy that seemed to be the other blue people’s chief? *Nods resolutely* Yeah, gotta establish dominance and fear in those godless little fucks. *Looks at Neo* What do you think, NeeeMMMMPPPHHH!!!

Neo: *Glomps Jaune, shoves her tongue into his mouth*

-----------------

Day 237

Neo: Gakgh gakgh gakgh!

----------------- 

Day 243

Jaune: Oh god, yeah, fuck yeah, you like that don’t you? *Grabs Neo’s hair*

Neo: *Likes that very much*

-----------------

Day 249

Jaune: *Waggles knife* So, uh, aim for the kidneys?

Neo: *Nods emphatically*

Jaune: Huh. I guess I’ll test it out on Cinder. Thanks honey. *Kisses cheek*

Neo: *Swoons*

-----------------

Day 251

Jaune: *Naked, washing grumpy Neo’s hair* I really mean it! I am so sorry. Just, well, uh...okay, you give amazing head and I wasn’t expecting you to go for the balls. Or, uh, the other thing, but well, um *sighs* look, the taint thing was just really unexpected and I’m really sorry I came in your hair! *Blushes*

Neo: *Can’t help but be proud, leans into his hands*

-----------------

Day  268

Jaune: Is there no end to your flexibility!? *Chokes on air* Nope. Guess not.

Neo: *Doing the splits smugly*

-----------------

Day 274

Jaune: And that is why, despite what people say, Immortal Konflict is superior to Road Combatant!

Neo: *Nods seriously*

Jaune: Wanna play when we get back to Remnant, maybe after we kill Salem in her sleep or something?

Neo: *Nods excitedly*

Jaune: You’re the best! *Kisses temple* Ow, why are you hitting me, I thought you liked kisses!?

Neo: *Liking forehead and temple kisses but not wanting to admit it*

-----------------

Day 296

Jaune: *Cumming inside*

Neo: *Toes curl, signing ‘I Love You’ over and over again*

Jaune: *Panting* God I love you too, Neo.

Neo: *Gapes, signs*

Jaune: *Panting decreases* Uh, yeah? My Dad has permanent hearing damage from his Huntsman days. Some chick had a mortar-giant cudgel-battering ram weapon and you can guess about how well that went.

Neo: *Signs more*

Jaune: I-- *realizes* ohhhh. I get it. Uh, I didn’t even think about it. You never signed so I figured you never learned. Ow, my ass!

Neo: *Stops pinching his ass, signs again but slower*

Jaune: *Blushes brightly* Um, yeah. I did. Is that-- *Neo flips him onto his back, kissing him and rocking her hips*

-----------------

Day 338

Jaune: *Contently holding Neo* This really was the last thing I expected to happen. *Neo nods as she leans into him* I...I don’t think I can ever really not miss Pyrrha, or despise Cinder from the bottom of my soul.

Neo: *Signs rapidly that she feels the same way, that she misses Roman*

Jaune: Yeah. I know. *Clears throat* But I think it’s okay. I mean I didn’t expect this to happen, but I’m glad it did. *Snuggling occurs* We’re gonna get out of here. We’re putting Cinder in the dirt. Then we’re gonna do the same to Salem. Then buy a house.

Neo: *Signs*

Jaune: I’ve kinda been a country boy my whole life. It’s up to you *is headbutted* OW! *Neo rubs the back of her aching head, signs, Jaune rubs his chin* Then it’s decided.

*Enjoying each others presence*

----------------- 

Day 362

Weiss: Actually, the amount of slashes in the trees could just mean some new terrible creature of ridiculous origin could have made this area of the forest its stomping grounds.

Blake: *Flatly* As long it’s not the flying piranhas with steel teeth that drip acid, I’m fine.

Ruby: *Shudders* Please don’t remind me! I’m suppressing, Blake! Do you want to ruin fish sticks and mustard for me!?

Blake: *Grimaces* Yes.

Yang: *Ignores the bickering* Not gonna lie Weiss, after that giant crocodile with the crown and the cape and the penguin with the hammer, something a little more normal and horrific sounds just like home. *Adjusts cheetah print bikini, shifts hips under her grass skirt*

Weiss: *Eyebrow twitches* Right. Home. Which you clearly miss. *Eyes Yang’s flawless tan*

Yang: Huh? Well, yeah! Not to devalue the disaster we have waiting for us when we get back but I’m dying for a cheeseburger and a *in singsong* Strawberry Sunrise!

Ruby: *Cutting off Weiss and ignoring a fuming Blake* It could be Jaune though!

Weiss: Yes, possibly, but you have to consider the fact-- *Steps around tree, goes silent at the sounds*

Neo: *In a mating press clutching her feet, biting her lip and then silently moaning*

Jaune: *Going so hard he’s clapping Neo’s cheeks*

Weiss: --that maybe those living, spiny fruits got us again and we’re all on a very bad trip. *Can’t look away but wants to*

Ruby: *Blushes furiously*

Blake: *Covers nose, turns away*

Yang: I really wanna be there for our boy but *ignores Jaune’s cursing, Neo’s nodding and Jaune pushing in deep and creampieing the silently screaming mute* a really big part of me wants to punch him in his stupid face. Really!? Her!?

Blake: *Muffled* You sure you’re not just salty that it’s Neo?

Jaune: *Awkwardly, wide eyed but happy* Oh. Guys. Hey! Hi! *Weiss screeches as Jaune stands, Neo breathes heavily but grins smugly*

Yang: Nope. Not at all. *Clenching fist*

-----------------

Day 363

Yang: Okay. I’m cool with whole... *gestures at Neo and Jaune holding hands*  thing, because honestly I’d have to be a condescending and arrogant bitch to look down on you because of that, but really?

Ruby: Yang has a point, little blue people and psychotic but also really stupid rabbits and their super-duper-strong Daddy Rabbit? And you killed them alllll oh wow. *Staring at something that Jaune pulled from a bag* That’s a weird looking skull. *Whispering* Why does he have a skull!? Oh no, Neo really did corrupt him and not just with that!

Yang: *Gapes, recovers slowly, sarcastically* She is such a good influence on you Jaune.

Jaune: *Grinning* I know, right? I mean imagine if Neo wasn’t here with me! I probably would’ve survived but I would’ve been so depressed that I’d probably be coming back eyeless and with a ton of PTSD! And maybe a quirky catchphrase!

Yang: Because that’s important. *Rolls eyes* Besides, you couldn’t pull off a catchphrase to save your life.

Jaune: *Face goes slack, contorts stupidly in a scream* BWAAAAH!

Team RWBY: *Jerks*

Neo: *Bites Jaune’s pinky*

Jaune: OW-OW-OW! Take a joke, Neo!

Yang: No, yeah, pretty much on the shrimp’s side.

Weiss: I have no idea what that was but never do it again.

Blake: *Forgives Jaune and Neo for their crusade against the rabbits*

Ruby: *Giggling at the derp face Jaune made*

Jaune: Fine, fine, you win. *Pouting* Using their war cry would have been so insulting to their memory though.

Neo: *Smiling, kisses Jaune’s cheek, signs that he’s a big baby*

Weiss: Getting back to the point though, we didn’t think Jaune would be in nearly as good shape as he’s in now. In that regard I feel we owe Neopolitan a good deal of gratitude.

Blake: And like it or not Yang, having her not just be an enemy of Salem but actually on our side?

Yang: Yeah, well--

Ruby: Plus he’s happy! And I think he kind of needs it. *Sadly* We all do. A-and if Neo is what makes him happy, then I think I’m happy too.

Jaune: *Touched* Rubes...

Ruby: It hurts, Jaune. But I can’t imagine...well, I can’t imagine if it were me. So it’ll take time but the best thing I can do here is be happy for you and get us outta here! *Pumps fist*

Neo: *Signs rapidly*

Jaune: *Grins* And make Cinder and Salem unalive! And in the days leading to that, make them wish they were already dead!

Ruby: *Uncomfortable at the bloodlust* Umm...

Yang: Ah fuck it, you speak my language like that and I can’t stay mad at you! Let’s do it! *Slaps Blake’s ass*

Blake: *Yelps, blushes and glares at Yang* Is this really the time for that!?

Weiss: *Rubbing the bridge of her nose with her eyes squeezed shut* Ah, the onset of a pounding headache. Truly the gang is back together again.

----------------- 

Day 365

Jaune: Kinda conveniant that exactly one year after falling into the mythical island of who knows where we find ourselves back in the real world, isn’t it?

Neo: *Hand on her hip, staring at him*

Yang: I’m with the midget. *Grass skirt swishes* Are you really about to complain we’re free of that hellhole?

Weiss: They have a point. After everything we fought there you’d think you would be more appreciative.

Jaune: I am. It just seemmmmpph! *Is kissed by Neo*

Neo: *Happily shuts Jaune up*

Ruby: Alright, let’s do this!

*Action pose except Yang’s tan, in a cheetah fur bikini and a grass skirt, Jaune has a handful of Neo’s ass and Neo is grabbing Jaune by the hair, clearly using tongue and Hushabye is aimed in a slightly red faced Blake’s direction*

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I got the chance to see the RWBY finale today and rather than be depressed and think about Penny, I decided I’d go ahead and write a Silent Knight fic instead. It’s all over the place but really, that’s to be expected since I went in with no plan. I know people are already bitching over on Reddit about Jaune possibly getting attention, but like with most people who dislike a character I decided to pay them no mind whatsoever.

Because honestly, with Dragonslayer never happening I’d be perfectly fine with Jaune x Neo.

As for this entire thing, I had way more fun with it than I should have and I hope anyone reading it has just as much fun as I did writing it.

Oh. And yes, there were plenty of Rabbids and Smurfs harmed in the creation of this lengthy drabble.

[klbwriting]

Unexpected Allies - Chapter 17

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: Kaz/female!Reader

Summary: disaster strikes and Kaz has some planning to do

Notes: ugh, once again this is going to get worse but you’ll love it

Taglist:  @mcntsee @amwitherspoon @cxlpxrnia @fcvcritecrime​ @aysegust​ @sagewrites111​ @spawn0fsatan​ @itsemy01 @thedelusionreaderbitch

              Y/N wasn’t surprised when Kaz didn’t come out to see them off in the morning, but she was surprised to see Inej there, looking annoyed.  She approached the smaller woman and folded her arms.  Jesper and Matthias took that as their cue to go make sure the Fabikator and the horses were ready.

              “You didn’t have to lie to him and keep the parem a secret” Inej whispered.   Y/N cocked an eyebrow and felt a little vindicated in knowing that someone would have heard them had she told him.  Inej would have told the leaders, she was one of them now.  “I would have kept it a secret.”  

              “Liar,” Y/N retorted.  “Look, just, give this to Kaz if you see him, I know he might just tear it up but I want him to know how sorry I am and how much I love him.” Inej took the letter and pocketed it quick before Mal came over.  The look he gave her told her that everyone knew she had slept in her own tent last night and she didn’t like the pity.

              “Ready to go?” he asked.  She took one last look around, hoping that maybe he was in the shadows somewhere, still watching her even if she didn’t see him.  She nodded finally and went to climb on her horse.  “Try to just lead him away from us alright?  You don’t have to have the big fight all alone, we just need time.”  

              “If I can kill him, I’m killing him,” she said, urging the horse to walk away.  She took a last glance back and saw the glint of something shiny in the sun and smiled a little.  He had been there, at least, she hoped he had been.  

              It took nearly two days before they found the Darkling, alone in a field, waiting for them.   Y/N had figured he would be setting a trap and she was glad that the Fabrikator had almost finished the amplifier.  Even though it wouldn’t be at full strength it would help.  They stopped about 20 feet from their king and stared.  He smirked.

              “Hello Y/N, please, I know that you are going to try to fight me, and I have heard rumor that you have gotten a Grisha made amplifier, why don’t you put it on?” he asked.   Y/N felt wrong about all of this but before she would say anything the Fabrikator stuck the collar around her neck, sealing it on.  

              “Alright Aleksander, leave now and I won’t have to kill you, just leave us be,” she said, standing ready.  She heard a clinking sound to her right but ignored it. Jesper cried out a warning but by the time she reacted the chain had already been fused to the collar.  The Fabrikator was running towards the Darkling with the chain in his hands.   Y/N tried to stop him, slow his heart, but her power was suddenly gone.  Then with horror she realized that they had been betrayed.

              “You know, the problem with Alina was I gave her a collar, but I forgot to make sure she had her leash,” the Darkling said as the Fabrikator put the chain in his hands.   Y/N’ eyes widened.

              “RUN!” she yelled to the other two.  The Darkling lifted his hands and a shot rang out.  Jesper had fired but the Darkling had assumed this was coming, moving at the last moment so that he was just grazed in the shoulder.  Luckily this gave Matthias time to grab Jesper, pulling him onto his horse before the cut took him out.   Y/N tried to run but was yanked back hard by the Darkling.  She sputtered as she stood again, only to be dragged back another time. This time the Darkling just dragged her to the tree line where a carriage was waiting.  He had the Fabrikator enter before tossing her inside.  He joined her, making sure to sit right next to her as they were driven back to the Little Palace and what she assumed was her execution.  

                Kaz was waiting at the gate for Y/N.  He knew it was too early to expect the group back, but he wanted to be the first person she saw.  He had cooled off from their fight, talked to Inej, hell he even talked to Nina about everything, and both had set him right on what was the real problem.  He understood now that Y/N’s priorities were to save Ravka and to keep him safe, the only way in her mind to do that was to keep herself as the only target.  If she was the only person who had or knew where the parem was then he was safe.  He was an idiot; he would have done the same thing in her situation.  Now he just wanted to set things right and then he was asking her to leave with him.  This place got rot for all he cared, he hated it and wanted out.  He just hoped the Dregs and Y/N would leave with him.

              When Jesper and Matthias came over the horizon Kaz started to walk over but then saw that they were alone.  He felt panic rising in him.  Was she dead?  Captured? Where was Y/N?  The two men got off the horse as other joined Kaz at the gates.

              “We were betrayed,” Matthias said, panting from exertion.  They hadn’t stopped riding since their encounter, and they were exhausted.  Jesper looked at Kaz.

              “The Fabrikator…he made the collar to dampen her powers.  He was the Darkling’s plant here,” he said.  Dammit, Kaz had been weeding out other plants, knowing exactly how to recognize them from his time in Ketterdam and he had missed one.  “He made a chain too, gave it to the Darkling so she couldn’t run from him.”  Nina and Wylan helped the other men back to the camp while Inej and Mal approached Kaz.

              “Brekker, I think we need a thug to handle this,” Mal said after a moment.  Kaz stared at him.  “Can you plan something to help us?

              “I need time to plan,” he said, stomping off without a word to Inej as he went back to his tent.  He couldn’t think right now, everything in his brain was just screaming. She was at the Little Palace, probably going to be executed in some display of power by the Darkling and the last thing he had said to her was that he gave up on her, on them.  He started swinging again, once again breaking everything in sight. Once he was done he looked to the door to see Inej there holding out a letter.

              “ Y/N wanted me to give this to you.  I was hoping that she would be back to tell you herself but now…I’m sorry I kept it,” she said.  Kaz snatched it away and dismissed her with a wave of his hand.  He moved to the cot and sat down, opening the letter.

Kaz,

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the parem.  It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, not really, its that I don’t trust the world anymore.  As soon as I let a secret slip disaster always seems to strike.  As soon as I trust the world is going to work in my favor it cuts me down and I didn’t want that to happen.  I never lied about how I felt about you.  I love you more than I thought I possibly could love anyone.  Remember back when you proposed to me?  Next time someone asks me my full name I’m saying Y/N Brekker because it was yes then and its yes now.  Hope I can see you soon, I miss holding your hand.

Love,

Y/N

              Kaz leaned his head to his hand and for the first time since Jordie he cried.  It was like he broke and every time something bad had happened to him came rushing to him, bringing out desperate sobs.  He knew what she meant about trusting the world, the world never cared about him just like it didn’t care about her.  He cared about her and he had thrown that in her face.  He took a deep breath and finally pulled himself together.  He put the letter under his pillow before getting a pen and paper of his own and writing out two things, one was instructions for Jesper and the second was something for Y/N.  Then Kaz stood and let the tears and sadness behind.  It was time for Kaz to lay low while Dirtyhands came out to play.  

              First, he found Jesper and gave him the instructions and the letter, telling him that if he read the letter that Kaz would personally rip his eyeballs from his face.  Jesper took the instructions and went to work.  Second, Kaz called a meeting of the Dregs and Mal.  He had a plan and it needed to be put into action immediately.  Finally, he told Nina that after the meeting they needed to have a talk.  Once the Dregs were assembled and Mal had sat down Kaz started.

              “Jesper is already on his way to the Little Palace,” Kaz started.  There was a gasp and Wylan actively gagged on his saliva in surprise, coughing loudly.

              “Why in the hell is he going there?” Mal asked. Kaz threw him a glare.  He was in the middle of his plan and Mal needed to fall in line or it wouldn’t work.

              “He is going because I kicked him out of the resistance, and he is going to tell the Darkling that.  Jesper came back empty handed, a Grisha returned to us without Y/N, what use is a Grisha if he can’t use his powers to protect his comrades?” Kaz asked.  Mal’s mouth fell open, he had been the only one in that room unaware of Jesper’s abilities. “He is going to go to the Little Palace and tell them everything he knows about the resistance, proving his loyalty.  We are going to evacuate and head south, just outside of Os Alta and ready for an attack.”

              “We don’t have those numbers…” Mal started.  Inej shushed him.

              “No, we don’t but by the time we reach Os Alta we will. Matthias is going to go to Frejda and gather the small army from there, and Kuwei will go to Shu Han and tell them what happened to his father,” he said.  “Make sure they know that the Darkling is ready to attack everyone, he’s not only after Ravka, he wants everywhere under his control.”

              “Why would they believe that?  He has been relatively peaceful with them before,” Mal said. Kaz smirked and he could tell that made Mal uncomfortable.

              “Before she was taken Y/N and I were planning an all out war with the Darkling, we drafted counterfeit proclamations of war to the Frejdans and the Shu, which they will be receiving just before Matthias and Kuwei arrive,” he said.  “After we have gathered this army we will attack, in which case I assume that the Darkling will try to use Y/N’s power against us using that collar he created. But we’re going to have its creator in our camp before then and he will tell us how to remove the collar.”

              “How will we get him?” Inej asked.  

              “A good question, you will be getting him out of the Little Palace throw a series of tunnels that Y/N created there while she was serving the Darkling, she drew a map for me,” he said, producing the paper, showing several tunnels that led in and out of the Palace.  “You will have to be more careful than ever before Inej, she didn’t know if the Darkling found these tunnels and sealed them or is guarding them.  Once inside Jesper should have the Fabrikator ready for you.”

              “How will we get the Fabrikator to talk?  If he was willing to betray us once he might lie,” Wylan said, still looking sick that Jesper was walking into the Darkling’s stronghold.  

              “That is for me and Nina to worry about.  Shall we Nina?” Kaz extended his gloved hand to her. She took it with an uneasy sigh and he pulled her out of the tent to explain the final, and most difficult, part of his plan.

[fallenesspoetry]

Master and Servant (full text)

AO3|FFN

Rating: Explicit/NC-17

Pairing: Nikki Bones, the Deputy Attorney General (OFC)/Donald Ressler

Warnings: Nudity, Swearing, OOC, PWP, Kink.

Summary: The late night briefing at the Attorney General’s office takes an unexpected turn.

Comments and feedback are very welcome!

Domination's the name of the game

In bed or in life 

They're both just the same 

Except in one you're fulfilled 

At the end of the day  

Depeche Mode — Master and Servant

  “Gone?! How? What the fuck, Ressler?!”

Nikki Bones, the Deputy Attorney General, was infuriated.

The elections were in two weeks and a half, and her key witness was missing!

She was torn by everyone, like a fucking sex doll.

First, it was the Attorney General, an old prick. He selfishly believed he could take an advantage of his deputy because she wasn't a man.

Then—the FBI's Assistant Director and his countless minions.

Finally, even journo cunts dared to bark at her. Last time they weren't so vocal, taking kickbacks for puff pieces to face-lift the Washington's law enforcement image.

Nikki wearily sighed, leaning against a massive desk. She casually adjusted her skirt with a smooth motion, though the cloth hadn't even gone up that far.

A potpourri of case files was arranged into perfectly neat stacks on her desk.

‘Cold Cases’, ‘Wiretap Affadavits’, ‘Review ASAP’.

There was even one folder stamped ‘Top Secret’. Now they all seemed cragged, absorbing their mistress's fury.

Her body, exhausted by today's marathon from courts to judges' chambers, wanted nothing more but blissfully soak in the bathtub. The time was just right—the sun was long gone and the clock's hand froze at ‘18:00’.

Donald Ressler, the FBI Special Agent, didn't rush to answer. His frown deepened into a scowl. Not giving a word, he made himself comfortable in the armchair.

If Nikki took the anger management class, she would eat the coach. So for your own safety, it was better to keep your mouth shut.

“Valdez has a homie he's been tight with.” Nikki leaned over to get the file. “The usual—crank, dope, illegal arms.” She put the brown folder back. “He might be useful,” her voice was well-pitched, and had a slight trace of the arrogant vibe to it.

Ressler unconsciously stroked his strawberry blond hair.

It was easy-peasy when you say it. The son-of-a-bitch was worse that Thelma and Louise.

“Give us a few days, we'll bring him in.” Ressler was struggling not to yawn like a schoolboy at the boring lesson.

He had to get some sleep tonight. To try, at least.

“Tomorrow, Agent Ressler,” Nikki snapped, her fingers clawing into the light-brown polished surface.

Donald glanced at her, stifling a loud groan.

Fuck. The night shift. Again. Wasting another twenty-four hours, hoping the thug would get his doped ass home.

Narcos should have taken this case. But no, it had been shoved into the FBI's throat like a motherfucking gag. The shit didn't seem complicated at first sight: a random passer-by caught a stray bullet. But when the Bureau ID'd him, the real headache showed up.

An unlucky fella was a diplomat of the closest country-ally to the US.

The timing was the worst of the worst. And the FBI, the AG office, and all the king's men had to deal with it asap.

At this very moment Nikki, absolutely terrifying in her anger, gave Ressler chills.

For a moment it seemed that her braid, a creepy lookalike to a serpent’s head, would sink its teeth right into his...

Donald mentally shut his eyes.

Enough with watching trash at night.

Nikki was almost the same age with him. Maybe, a bit older. As a Deputy Attorney General she had gotten herself a reputation of sorts. Her stare of steel made your guts shrink into a sticky knot of iciness.

“Okay, got it,” Donald casually clipped.

Ressler hoped they were done for the day. He still had to grab a change of clothes.

“Not ‘okay’, but ‘I'll do my best, Nikki’.”

Damn these narrow-minded bullheads! 

All the bumbling agents looked the same: a black suit, white shirt, fancy watch, holster, and a badge. No doubt, they even styled their hair with the same freaking hair gel.

Nikki saw her objective clearly—throw another scumbag to rot in jail and close the case.

The feds had one job.

To get her an unquestionably solid proof and a criminal to prove guilty.

But the idiots would always suck along the way, so Nikki took the rap for their constant fuck-ups.

“Remember, one way or another others will ride your back. Be better than that. Give them a hard time they deserve.” 

Her grandma, Tessa Bones, was used to say that all the time.

Tessa was raised in Alaska. The harsh climate and physical labor had forged the girl's unwavering will. Soon enough Tessa had learned to stand her ground. And she had passed it to Nikki.

Nikki proved to be a great learner, because in no time half of the Washington's G-men gave her a nickname:

‘The Batshit Bitch’.

But Nikki didn't give a lick about it.

Donald almost rolled his eyes. When something went sideways all these mouthpieces would always rant and steam. He had been with the Bureau long enough to claim that.

He couldn't deny this mess didn't bother him too. It fucking did. And it had been his headache for the past few weeks.

Just yesterday Valdez had made a deal. And then, out of sudden, the next day he went dark like a fucking radio. He even knocked three WITSEC marshals out on his way.

Donald's head was buzzing with thoughts.

Something's off. What if Valdez wasn't alone? What if he didn’t actually go willingly? What if someone from his old gang took him out?.. It made sense—he rat on his own homies. And made a good deal. Everybody won. Well, up to this moment. Or maybe, the dick had cold feet and that's it.

“...the most incompetent...”

Nikki's agitated voice was drilling into his brain. She went on and on. On and on.

Donald didn't really want to listen. Anyway, he kept a good poker face, and so far it was working.

Meanwhile, Nikki kept ranting. Over and over. Like a broken record. The more she did, the more Ressler was struggling not to snap back at her.

It felt like a bomb was ticking somewhere in his brain. He could almost see the stopwatch approaching the last seconds.

Donald took a deep breath, and tried to follow the conversation.

Or, rather, Nikki's fuming.

She was scolding him like he was a helpless kitten, leaving a landmine on his mistress shiny floor. If Nikki could, she would rub his face into that. He had no doubts she actually could.

Well, fuck it all. 

It wasn't the first time someone told him off for doing his job.

“You don't understand how high the stakes are,” Nikki's voice oozed with iced fury. Her hazel eyes darkened into a lifeless void, like someone cut the lights to them.

How fucking dare you?!

Ressler jumped up from his armchair, barely holding himself together.

“I’m not your punching bag, Bones!”

He drew closer to her. There was hardly an inch left between them.

A curious observation flashed at the edge of Donald's mind. Unlike others Nikki didn't avert her eyes. Quite the opposite. She gave him back the most loathsome look he had ever gotten. With interest.

Nikki fixed her eyes on Ressler, hanging onto him like he was a prey to wolf. The rich green of his eyes jogged her memory. This morning she left her cactus plant at home unwatered...

Well, look at this. The Suit could use a nozzle to cool himself off. Swollen like a porcupine, ready to throw his spines. Eyes squinted. Lips pursed tight. And the cheekbones could cut a deep wound on you.

He would get over it. He was a big boy, after all.

If she had gotten a cent each time her words hurt the men's ego, she would have been a millionaire.

Nikki shrugged. She tried to retreat, clicking her heels, but accidentally brushed the file with her hip. The folder fell off the desk, exposing a clutter of subpoenas, motions, search warrants, and god knows what else.

Cursing, Bones bent down, but Ressler beat her to it. The distance grew short between them in a few seconds.

At the very moment when they simultaneously reached to pick up the file, Ressler caught a delicate trace of mint and vanilla in the air. Sweet, yet refreshing.

How would it feel on her skin?..

‘Too many romcoms lately?’

His inner voice was asked to travel into a bunch of unpleasant places.

Arranging the scattered ‘justice salad’, Ressler put it back together in the file. He was almost ready to rise up, as he cast his glance at Nikki.

She towered over him, drumming her fingers on the desk. Was it the play of light, or was it his mind's trick, but right now Donald felt himself the tiniest gray of sand at the bottom of the ocean.

He hurried to give up the thought. Yet his brain, worn-out from the never-ending day, concluded differently.

Nikki was almost the same height as him. For an odd reason, Donald decided to focus not at giving back the file. Rather, he lagged on Nikki's dark gray pencil skirt. It seductively revealed her toned legs in sheer nylons. Some part of him wished to find out if her ankles were as tender as they seem.

A moment later Ressler had his eyes on Nikki's slim-fit pale pink shirt. It was buttoned up at her throat. The shirt was so close-fitting one could catch a glimpse of ripe breasts in a bra.

Bones would twist his cock in a knot for such indecency. Or worse.

Man, you need a girlfriend.

Unfortunately, this job wasn't relationship-friendly. You were a lucky fella, if you hit the bottle on your day off. But getting a girlfriend… To be honest, he wasn't in the mood for any long-term commitment lately.

Nikki was almost ready to go into one hot tirade about how sick she was from all this.

But she couldn't.

She was preoccupied with Ressler. He glued his eyes to her, wolfing her down like some steak from The Capital Grille!

Dear God, is such eye stripping even legal?

Suddenly her knees refused to abide by gravity laws. Luckily, there was a desk to lean against.

It felt like enormous mutant butterflies spread their wings in her stomach and below.

To Nikki's surprise, she didn't dare to put Ressler in his place. Quite the contrary—her body reminded her a thing. For the past half a year it had been only getting extra thirty minutes in the shower before bed. So much for stress-relieving.

The man to satisfy a ton of extremely compelling demands was a pain to find. And she cared for herself too much to get laid by just anybody.

Nikki made a brief assessment of the subject in front of her. Like all Quantico grads, he didn't cut a day in the gym. There was no need for him to show off his biceps muscles since one could clearly spot them through his black tailored jacket. Something told her that below the shoulders everything was right too.

Most of the time Ressler was nothing but a pain in her ass. However, as a man he wasn't that bad. Quite a pretty face, actually. Most probably, not just the face…

On one hand, if he weren't such a sass, they could have… 

Hell no. If journos sniffed barely a whiff of the affair, both hers and his careers would go down the drain quicker than she come.

On the other hand, Ressler was many things, but he definitely wasn't a loudmouth.

Nikki gracefully sat on the desk. Crossing her legs, she gave Ressler an innocently confused look.

Finally, Donald rose up from the floor and returned Nikki the file.

It looked like no one was going to twist and turn his manhood—And why is that?—but the sudden change in her raised a lot of suspicions.

Could she?.. No, no way. 

Ressler was used to her stepping on his toes whenever they would meet.

Bones? A crush? On him?

He would rather believe in UFOs over Washington.

“Thank you, Donald.” 

Nikki didn't sound like her usual sharp self. Her voice shifted into honeyed sweetness, caressing every inch of his being. Ressler didn't register her calling him “Donald” for the first time they had been working together.

Now he was trapped by a very weird sensation. It seemed like a fluffy and extremely friendly feline had jumped into his lap, tickling him with fur.

‘That bad, huh? Getting off on kittens, ew.’

‘Fuck you.’

Meanwhile Nikki put the file away, deliberately stretching herself. A moment later she was back into her usual position, and—Damn!—crossed her legs again. Sharon Stone could have been proud.

Right now Ressler wanted nothing but to loosen his tie. 

Or not. 

Rip those tiny teasing buttons off her shirt... Fuck her. Hard. On that desk.

A switch flipped in his mind: the blood rushed through his veins drumming a wild beat all over his body. It thundered in the temples, making it barely possible to focus.

He prayed to all gods Bones hadn't seen his boner.

But the gods didn't give a shit about him.

Nikki curved her lips in a foxy smile. Their saturated dark shade resembled a juicy cherry, just picked from the tree.

Probably, he was overreacting.

Is it one of her games?

They had been working together for a long time. Just enough to get one thing.

You should always watch your step with Nikki Bones. She would swallow you down and wouldn't even choke on you.

Bad idea. Very, very bad idea...

“You gonna just stand there, or we gonna do it?”

Donald had barely slipped “do what”, but stopped at the last minute.

Watching Ressler, Nikki had almost rolled her eyes.

What an idiot.

She had to take matters into her own hands if she wanted to get home by seven. Or seven thirty. She wouldn't hope for more.

Nikki casually walked to the office door. She looked out to see if the hall was empty. It indeed was. Not even a janitor.

The lock clicked as she closed the door behind her, facing Donald.

“You know, Ressler, you surprise me sometimes.”

Her voice resembled a soft purr of the feline who had just had her lunch. Giving him another smile, Bones clicked her heels to the window.

Nikki could almost hear his brain rattling, doing, at least, an extremely difficult risk assessment.

For real? How'd he graduated?

Anyways, his IQ was not her concern.

Definitely not a cherry-boy. Why so tight then?

Ressler absentmindedly buttoned his white shirt's left cuff again and snugged the collar.

“Really? How come?” he wondered, nervously fixing his tie.

Nikki didn't answer. She was busy closing countless blinds on the windows of her spacious office.

Of course, one could refer to Section 7, Item 10:

“You are not to, at any circumstances, have a close relationship or sexual intercourse with your colleague.”

And you certainly shouldn't risk your neck doing it with the lead prosecutor on the case. 

Something was telling Ressler that if Nikki had the chance, she would have thrown this case to someone else. Maybe, a half green lawschool grad, who would do all the dirty work.

Apparently, her boss was pretty much the same dick as his own.

Right at this moment Nikki was struggling with the last blind, the left from the door, muttering something inaudible to herself. She was almost on her toes.

When she reached for the cord again, her skirt went up a few inches. Just enough for inappropriate thoughts. This time Nikki didn't adjust it like she had done it before.

Face it: you want her.

If he read the signs correctly, the feeling was mutual.

Nikki, finally done with the blinds, turned to him.

“It's just a hook up, Ressler. Not rocket science.”

He tuned out the cheap shot.

Bones hadn't been the first one. And she definitely wouldn't be the last one.

Maybe, this was one of her kicks.

Well, whatever blows your skirt up.

“Just a hook up?” Ressler mimed Nikki's casual tone. He drew closer to her, his jacket slightly brushing her shirt. “I can't remember doing it at the Attorney General's office.”

Not waiting for her invitation, Donald pressed Nikki against the door. Their eyes met—hers, a dark roasted coffee, and his—a rich green tobacco.

Ressler barely brushed Nikki's lips with his, as she grabbed him below the belt. He unconsciously gasped when she squeezed him.

It wasn't painful. Rather, unexpected. Or maybe, most of the time there was a lot of decent women on his way.

Donald had no doubts Nikki Bones was the vicious woman every mother would protect her son from.

However, under the current circumstances, it was an advantage.

Nikki vigorously pulled Ressler close, her nails scratching the back of his head, almost clawing into the skin. She slid her hand to his groin again. Grazing his lower lip with her teeth, she kept on stroking his boner. 

Her lips were awfully close. Close enough for a kiss, but Bones didn't let him. She took her time teasing him. He could feel her breath on his cheek. On his neck. On his earlobe. On his lips.

Vultures play with their food first.

Sunday school hadn’t prepared him for anything like that.

Donald couldn't shake off the sneaking suspicion Nikki had her own agenda.

You think I'm gonna beg? You wish.

In the next moment Nikki impatiently forced her tongue between his lips. She kissed him hard, like her life depended on it, almost sucking the oxygen out of his lungs.

Tired of being benched, Ressler tried again to take the lead.

He couldn’t—whenever he pulled up her skirt, Nikki would slap his hand. It hurt a bit, but Donald didn't have the time to process it—Bones would slam her lips into his. Her lipstick smeared, tasting like sour chocolate.

It was rough.

Their bodies wrestled in dominating: either of them got pressed up against the door over and over.

Nikki took, but didn't give in return.

“Bones…” Ressler hissed hoarsely, not recognizing his own voice.

“You're giving up, boy scout?” Nikki whispered, softly biting his earlobe.

Not that tough, huh?

Sucking Ressler's neck in a vampire-like manner, Nikki fought the desire to give him a hickey or two.

She knew all these dominatrix tendencies both at work and in bed were not okay. Regular folks didn't get off on any of the kinky shit she usually did… Well, truth be told, she was hardly a definition of normal.

Nikki kissed Ressler again. This time she was slow, less aggressive. It felt like taking a sip of the finest Tuscany wine. There was a lot for her to savor: Ressler's lips, full and lithe, gave into the tiniest change of pace.

Donald couldn't help but notice Bones' fervor lessened. Now her kisses were delicate, almost like any other ordinary woman he had before. He didn't get to think it over—Nikki's hand slid to his groin again. This time she squeezed and then rubbed him, not even breaking the kiss.

“Bones, if you like him, I can take my pants off.”

She didn't answer, but her left hand lurked around his waist under his jacket.

Something softly clicked.

God, no.

“Nikki…” Ressler slipped, but it was too late.

Bones smirked at him, toying with handcuffs.

Ressler unhooked his gun holster, and double-checked if the safety was on. He threw it on the closest of two enormous armchairs in front of Nikki's desk. Just in case. Russian roulette wasn't his cup of tea. Not today. And definitely not with Nikki Bones.

Nikki, laughing at Ressler's fruitless attempts to snatch the handcuffs back, slipped from his grip. Making sure Ressler watched her, she unzipped her skirt, smoothly stripping it down. The nylons went down a bit quicker. Her fingers went up, unbuttoning the shirt. At last, she brushed aside the clothes with her heel.

Everything screamed to get her laid, but Ressler just stood there, hypnotized. It wasn't like he hadn't seen a woman's strip for him before. He had. And not once. And not only in the strip club. Most women did that to entertain a man. To tease, yes; although they would let their man to call the shots later anyway.

Surely, Nikki Bones wasn't your average woman. And somehow Ressler knew—she did that to entertain no one but herself.

The message was crystal clear:

‘You don't get anything unless I let you.’

Meanwhile Nikki caressed herself. A sly smile was on her face again, when she was rubbing up her thigh. A second later her fingers snaked to her panties. 

She teased him, but hadn't taken anything off.

Donald's heart pounded somewhere in his throat when Nikki, done driving him crazy, took her heels off and jumped on the desk.

She crossed her legs again.

“The loser wears them, deal?” Nikki was eyeing him like a sniper would stare at his mark.

Handcuffs or Nikki?

That was a Shakespeare-like dilemma for him now.

“Nah, that won't do.” Nikki jumped down from the desk. Hiding the handcuffs out of sight, she pulled Ressler closer by the tie.

Bones was stripping the clothes quick and smooth: the jacket was ripped off from him and thrown away; it took her less than a minute to cope with the buttons on his shirt. Finally, the belt's buckle clacked, and she forced him out of his pants.

“Much better now. One shot, boy scout.”

Nikki, sitting on the desk again, cocked her head. Swinging the handcuffs, she smirked at him.

Sadly for Donald, he hated losing. Arguments, warm-up drills in the gym, football training in college… You name it.

His handcuffs, now on Bones' right hand's index finger, dangled with a soft metallic sound.

It was so circus-like.

Unfortunately, right now Nikki cracked the whip, not him.

It occurred to him Bones must have had sadism as her major: she unhooked her bra from the front. It happened so fast—Ressler had barely blinked. Now she was fondling her breasts, her thighs spread.

Donald felt like a pet whose treat was close enough to see, but not close enough to take a bite.

He made a desperate lunge for the handcuffs.

“You sure you're FBI?” Bones wrapped her arms around him. The unpleasant metallic iciness tickled his neck.

Nikki slid down from the desk. She almost coiled Ressler in a snake-like manner, rubbing her breasts against his chest. Her nails were scraping his shoulderblades. 

The handcuffs went down his spine, sending the uncomfortable chill across his back.

“You lost, boy scout.”

Bones didn’t even loosened her grip—in an instant she locked his wrists together behind his back.

Click!

Ressler jerked, but Nikki was faster. Her hand slid into his boxer briefs.

“Don't.”

He winced—she had his balls in a death grip.

Stripping them both off the rest of the underwear, Nikki pushed him into the closest armchair.

Donald was almost sore with need, when Nikki's stomach accidentally brushed his hard-on. She didn’t pay attention to that, getting comfortable in his lap.

“You'd better…hurry,” Ressler growled when Nikki was slowly stroking his chest. Tenderly. Lightly. Almost lovingly. But he knew better.

Pleasure was always followed by pain—he had learned that already with Nikki. It was sick, yet somehow satisfying.

He must be a masochist.

Donald's mind hung up sending “SOS” to his brain, and his pride hid somewhere dark, anticipating Nikki's next move. He was getting high on this game of hers—the sex was rather a bonus. BDSM wasn't exactly his kick, so he had no idea where it came from.

Nikki playfully bit his nipple, sucking on it. Wrapping her fingers around his cock, she slowly worked her way up and down, keeping eyes on Ressler. She went on like that for a few minutes as if testing his resistance. The pace changed, and Ressler, almost losing it, whimpered like a kid who lost his favorite toy.

She gave him a break. It looked like he needed it—cheeks reddened; breath—heavy. His hair was now tousled like a stray ginger cat's fur. Nikki ran her fingers through it, tugging on it hard, until she heard the angry growl. Her hand slid down to his refined neck, its firmness reminding her of Roman sculptures at The National Gallery of Art.

There was one thing Nikki was thrilled to try. Sadly, it was almost impossible to talk any man into it. As a matter of fact, Ressler didn't have much of a choice here, anyway.

Nikki kept caressing Donald, scratching under his chin as if he was her pet. Just as she sunk her teeth into his Adam's apple, a thought flashed in her mind.

Condoms.

She had no doubt Ressler was prepared for any surprise. Tugging on his hair again, Nikki slid from his lap.

Where's this damn jacket?

“Left side, inside pocket,” Donald said in a raspy voice. He hadn't caught his breath yet. Boston Marathon was a child's play comparing with all those things Bones had been doing to him.

“Glad to see your brain's still on, Agent Ressler.” Nikki was back in his lap, a condom in her hand.

Ressler glanced suspiciously at her long nails and the flimsy wrapper. Fatherhood wasn't his intention for, at least, next five years. And Nikki Bones as a mother hen… Hell, just a thought of it could make a dick limp.

“Sure you can handle it?”

Not giving him a courtesy of reply, Nikki opened the wrapper, the condom dropping out on her palm. She rolled it on Ressler's hard-on in one smooth motion.

Donald caught his breath, when Nikki saddled him. She wasn't the first to be on top of him. But surely—the first one who had been perfectly still. 

She literally did nothing.

Just as Ressler tried to mouth a snarky response, he felt the tight, almost suffocating grip on his cock. Nikki didn't move an inch, yet she was getting him off. Her face was filled with sheer lust—having him helpless and handcuffed must have done the trick.

Ressler leaned back in the armchair. His arms, wrists, and hands grew painfully numb. The numbness mixed with pleasure in an odd, perversive manner, whilst Nikki tortured him, slowly swaying forward and back.

He was completely under, not giving a flying fuck about anything at this moment.

Her rhythm wasn't steady. Sometimes it was slow—Nikki would arch her back, going up and down on him. She occasionally rubbed her clit, moaning softly, almost shyly. At times like these she didn't look like her usual arrogant self.

Soon enough her pace changed. Bones was roughly grinding onto Ressler, clawing her fingers into his shoulders. She couldn't help herself, but left a few visible marks on them. Her high-pitched cry echoed across the emptied office.

Through the blurred world, framed with their bodies' heat, Ressler sometimes got a kiss or two from Nikki.

Or, rather, Nikki let him touch her, leaning towards him. She would wrap her arms around him, pressing his head to her chest. Her braid was messy, its strands tickling his cheeks.

The rich vanilla scent was all over her skin—Donald felt its bitter sweetness on his tongue. Not sure he would have the chance later, he flicked his tongue between her breasts. If Nikki wanted more, she pulled him by his hair and guided his lips to her nipples.

“Come…earlier…you're…dead.” Her voice hissed somewhere above Ressler's temple. 

Nikki was riding him in such a barbaric manner, Ressler could hardly breathe out.

So good.

Dear God, it felt so fucking good.

Now and then she might have let a guy be in charge. But tonight...The absolute possession—that what got her off. The sex… Not so important.

No, it's obvious Ressler had had someone. Maybe, a few, even. But now, at this very moment, she owned him. This got her so high no dope could match it.

Hers. And no one else's.

Control was her aphrodisiac.

Bones felt Ressler was closer to the release than her. At once she locked her fingers around his neck. 

Donald opened his eyes wide, his body jerking, as he hungrily gasped for air.

At this moment Nikki cried out, freeing Ressler's neck from her grip. She pressed him to herself, wrapping her arms around him. 

Ressler's hair was soaking wet, a few drops of sweat dripped down his temples. The look on his face was hilariously amusing—half shocked, half doped from the aftermath.

Thanks to her it was a perfect timing.

Nikki kissed Ressler. The kiss was far more tender and delicate than she meant to. Anyway, he earned it.

“Stellar job, boy scout.”

“Stop calling me like that, Bones,” Ressler muttered, trying to move his stiffened wrists.

Nikki tugged on his hair once again, petting him like a cat. She took the condom off him, tying a firm knot at the end, and left him for a moment.

How she managed to do it with those nails was a mystery to Ressler.

Stretching his neck, Donald noticed a couple of red marks on his chest. He would be lucky if she didn't give him a hickey. Right now he wished nothing more but to take the fucking handcuffs off his wrists.

“Need a hand in here.”

Nikki was half through with putting on her nylons, not even bothering to look at him.

Finally, she raised her eyes on Ressler.

Ah, the work of art.

Each muscle in his athletic body was deliciously tensed as he tried to get out of the handcuffs.

He should put those on more often.

If she could, she would lock him in her trunk and take home with her.

Sentiments are a nasty bitch, huh?

Nikki threw at Ressler his jacket and pants.

“You kidding, right?”

“Use your mouth. You're pretty good at it.”

“Find the fucking key!”

Nikki zipped her skirt.

“The magic word.”

“Nikki!..”

She did her hair and then adjusted her shirt.

“A word, Donald.”

“Please!..”

Nikki approached Ressler. She almost licked her lips at the sight of him. Handcuffing a guy like that... 

It was definitely worth it.

Bones was thoroughly going through the pile of clothes in his lap, smirking at his helplessness.

Once she quit searching, her smirk faded.

“It’s gone,”  Nikki said, looking baffled.

“Gone?!”

Hiding another foxy smile, she clicked her heels to her own desk.

Today was the boy scout’s lucky day: she always kept a spare key.

Just in case.

[benchgenderstudies]

The Empathy for Necrophiliacs Out of A Case Of Confederate Incest:

A Gender Professional's adventurous survey and discussion about Steven Pladl's Incestual Indoctrination of his daughter

 by Michael Bench

<Submitted to the Oregonian> 

It's the evening of April 12th ; less than a week after hearing about the stalled media reports of a father daughter couple arrest. Tonight their bodies are lifeless. Their childs' body is lifeless and Katie's stepfather is dead. Where we start with this story is Steven Pladl's selfish , reckless gratifications and the results of living for himself. About 20 years ago his now exwife Alyssa had a first child. They were young reckless teens having unprotected sex without the means to support pregnancy. Who was more reckless I don't know. Alyssa was pregnant at age 17 and gave up this child to adoption. That child was Katie. She's less than two hours dead right now.

 Approximately 18 years later, Katie sought out her biological parents and was invited by Steven Pladl, her father, to move in. This time unprotected sex also seems to have occurred  and in a situation no sex normally occurs. No innuendo can shield a father's lusts from taking their full social disgust to opportune sex with his daughter. She is/was cute, mind you. And, now there's a nearly warm Steven Pladl's body offering a welcome tight pucker for any Necrophiliacs that are into his type.

 Just tonight I was on social media reminding the blogosphere of my disappointment in conservatives who weren't advocating for this antiscience traditional confederate example of family values. Do Americans  living against science have an obligation to notice genetics? Is incest a rally of free speech against evolution? It was a love child (as Fox called it) made in conservative heaven and they wanted nothing to do with it.

  Only 2 days and 45 minutes ago I had sent emails to ACLU and the Judges of Henrico County, VA citing a very simple point that consenting adults are not owed to state law biasing toward or against religion. Only 2 days and 45 minutes ago , I was led to believe any female voluntarily marrying their father would have to be convinced love was real. Shee would have to be equally into him; consenting adults have a right to their decisions. Would Sarah Palin defend them? No; She wouldn't shoo the arm of state law out of a marriage of one man and one woman. She wouldn't rail against Trump's use of celebrity video prostitutes either. He owes the national government $12,400 in taxes if he filed a joint return. Terms of marriage are terms of taxation.

 This evening I see that love is a "not". Steven Pladl's love was as transient as his interest in a reputation. He is believed to have killed his wife-daughter, his grandson-son, his daughter's stepfather and himself; traveling from North Carolina to New York. If a guy is going to have a child with his daughter, lets be sure he understands it’s a symbol of commitment both tragic and karmic that he better damn well support her like any other wife. A consenting daughter, that is. These aren't ideals I craft, I'm more dusting off what advocacy Charlottesville supremacists would take no white pride for. When I decided to take the defense on behalf of religious freedom from Evolution, be sure you understand I'm okay with the southern confederates polluting their gene line into crosseyed idiots. I didn't put them up to it. I didn't tell Katie to go see her father of all people for a hot beef injection. These are the type's of details to send Katie's mom straight off for divorce.  In North Carolina , two generations of the (Pladl) females didn't demand condoms. The conditions of stupidity are undereducated sexual maturity skills. What do Necrophiliacs feel about this? I wondered.  How similar do they feel this is to Josef Fritzls abuse of his daughter. It really did now turn to abuse.

  There's still these bodies around and leads us to our survey: Texting local Necrophiliacs:

Is Steven Pladl a good piece of ass? If you were going to judge this situation, How would you react to the opportunity to get on this fresh piece of meat?

Reacting to what you know about Stephen Pladl : What pickup line best expresses your opinion of this situation?

 A: There is something broke in you. I think we can both agree we have irreconcilable differences and  I'll hate fuck you.

 B: Dahmmmn you freaky, I can top your bottom all rot long.

 C: Well, Usually I 'd let you mourn your wife and kids but I guess since YOU KILLED THEM I'll ask for your blessing for marriage over your shoulder. I've been on a dry spell since they installed cameras at the local cemetery. Something monogamous of yours just fell onto the road.

 D: No way. If I were ever going to pole you, It would be with a fishing gaff right out of your mom before you did anything else stupid.

 Now why would I ask this? Superficially Necrophiliacs are our litmus test of decency. Has Steven Pladl done something to his identity so awful not even a necrophiliac would get on his pudd?  Now, the deeper issue… approximately 7 inches deeper into his chilling colon. Inmate equality. Normally sexual activity is not allowed between inmates. We know these inmates are making each other their pleasure domes. Unfortunately , tonight I have sympathy for incarcerated necrophiliacs that have had no good luck getting at the shiv victims. Or worse, maybe inmate corpses are just too fresh. I don't know the fetish.

As a guy looking for the very top federal offices, I see this as a moment to look out for the little guy. To bring around just a little bit of happiness and affection out of this tragedy. Wouldn't you agree Steven Pladl treats women nothing more than an orifice of pleasure? It's Karmic. The exception case feeds the exception cases.

 And where affection is not: When I contacted Henrico court, Virginia, I was not asking to discuss anything with Steven Pladl. Katie was left in jail while Steven was out on bail. Hasn't this girl been abandoned once already? I called for her release well after her freedom was already secured. It was a fresh story retelling dated material; her jailers ignored she had a child to take care of and a husband no matter how society felt about it. The state was neglecting the child and discriminating against her.  She wasn't looking to reconnect for a new boyfriend and simultaneously she had very little biological inhibition to regard Pladl as her father. Just products of the good ol boy environment not caring a damn.  Recklessness created this entire scene. I type of recklessness that no necrophiliac can share blame for. The crimes of the living southerners against each other made footprints past a step too far. The charges as well: We have murderers in the court system pleading down to jaywalking. IS that who should be free, really? Warrants by Henrico seemed fully ignorant of the outcomes of incarcerating only Steven Pladl while Katie would be locally weighed down with childcare. Her flight risk was low.

 Four things I'd like to see come of this:

I 'd like the wedding party of surviving adoption family members to be detailed about the entire situation of Katie's seeking out her parents to her deathbed. Televised interviews.

 Second, If daughter and father somehow find cause to consensually start a relationship.. despite the fact I call this Incuban Fetish related… and genetically incompetent… that a functional relationship has emotional fairness no matter who the partners are.

 A scorn of conservatives for only playing the easy field for anti science and not protecting one man-one woman marriage. Distinct failures include Trump, Pladls and the ambivalence to cashing in on 'gay mental illness' by regulating the fashion model anorexia industry. Even when republicans have creationist means on their side they're too lazy to regulate for good purposes.

 Finally, the medias attention to this story was delayed to an umpteenth degree so seriously compromising that it may have led to this extreme series of reactionary steps to undo what Steven came to believe was a mistake. Sex is not a mistake. Born children are not mistakes. Asking your daughter to marry you is not a questionably hazy intent.

 Tonight Steven Pladl killed people to save his reputation. Tonight lives ended. To Pladl, they were only objects in his kingdom of wants. Had Steven truly 'brainwashed his daughter' into physical relations,  this case would truly adhere to my definition of Incuban Fetish.  In the very same as-yet-unpublished article , I divulged a similar ego/narcissism disorder known as "Pharaoh Hex".(2014) When you see homicide suicides by males concerning their families, it tends to be an episode of lack of control.

A lawyer firm partner gets pushed out, he feels out of control of his reputation. The double murder suicide of Wrestler Chris Benoit was captioned by his suicide not indicating preparedness to leave this Earth. With him he took 'his familial possessions".

Benoit was regarded as having serious brain damage from his wrestling career. We can suspect Steven Pladl might also have some problems. After all, make no hesitations to wonder if he thought this was normal and how. Was he molested? Does he have some form of undisclosed derangement that only white people get? Fox news went so far as to call the birth a "love child", such a mitigating sympathy press that Blacks, Asians, and Hispanics would not.

 It's now exactly 3 days after we first read about Steven Pladl and Katie Pladl. They're dead sooner than initial press reaction has had its time. I found purpose to write this article in caution to other parents who have an abnormal affinity for your daughters or sons. I will hope that you have more sense than tarnish the family unit relationship. If for some reason your adult children go along with it; like a funny roleplay of incest; I hope you see it's not innocent. Can it be all that bad to reenact from the porn movies online? the people in your family are more than role play characters. Using them for your wants is not what families do. A family of enemies nurtured to hatefuck each other will most likely abuse each other in other ways. That closes to wonder if Katie Pladl is a dead now or dead later case. Will Steven plays the father card too often in disagreements? As disagreements do happen; a control issue that started as recklessly as forgetting to pull out has now killed her. What else might've happened that would've killed her? He was capable of murder for his own means. He'd go so far as to kill two of his children and an adult and that’s what we know.

 So keep the body fresh and lets have an inmate lottery

[lachalaine]

📱 ☆ ☃

Random Headcannons

📱: Does your muse prefer calling or texting?

She’s good with either, but – it heavily depends on a fewsituational differences. If she’s not that close to you that much, she doesprefer to text and she’s more sorta….. demure about it. Like she’s evidentlypolite and keeps things simple and if it’s something fairly serious, she’lljust call to get it out of the way so she’ll have nipped whatever her problemis right in the bud before it could get any worse.

However, if she is in any way comfortable with you to a certaindegree, such as she would consider herself your friend – even if you don’tconsider her one at all – she will,for lack of a better term, spam your phone into oblivion. Not because shenecessarily means to half the time, but because she’s more comfortable with you– the filter she might usually have actively dissipates and her brain just endsup feeding her more information than she can put into one text, not to mention herfinger is sort of trigger happy on the send button so the messages just popthrough one after another without fail until she actively receives a response.This gets much, much worse when she’soverreacting over a situation and needs a response asap, so she’ll try to vent towhoever she’s texting but honestly putting it all into one long message is a littletoo slow for her so she just rages on with capital letters and incorrectspelling like so:

Text [11:15 PM]: I’m so annoyed

Text [11:16 PM]: I’m so so fucking annoyed like you need to getdown here before I do something I know I won’t regret.

Text [11:16 PM]: Can you fuckin g believe this DI PSHIT ??? HE’SSTILL GOING ON ABOUIT IT, LIKE NO ONE FUCKING CARES. AND HE’S LAUGHING ANDEVERYONE IS JUST FUCKING JNDJSJDBAJSJ

Text [11:18 PM]: HOW FUCNKING DARE HE HE DESERVES TO ROT !!!!

Text [11:23 PM]: THAT’S IT. I’M GONNA CASTRATE HIM

Text [11:23 PM]: MO THERFUCK ER

And to a certain degree, she does that when she’s drunk as well,but most especially when she’s tired. Her being drunk is actually safer because its predominantly just halfher wanting to text people but eventually passing out, unlike when she’s sleepy– there’s just… nothing actively holding her back. It’s like the exhaustion effectivelydrives her crazy as she’s trying to grab energy from SOMEWHERE THAT DOESN’TEXIST because her reserves are completely depleted and so she ends up textingpeople and acting out at the most godforsaken hours of the morning and that’susually when her stupidest ideas usually come to light. And that’s when shegoes searching for someone to drag into hell with her, but instead of it beingangry text messages being sent out, it’s all just a lot of:

Text [2:01 AM]: I’m coming over !!! I HAVE POPCORN. I COOKED IT.IT WON’T KILL U I PROMISE.

Text [2:07 AM]: I’m here I’m here I’m here !!!!

Text [2:07 AM]: ding dong

Text [2:08 AM]: Where art u

Text [2:08 AM]: r u asleep

Text [2:08 AM]: why u sleepin I GOTTA POPCORN

Text [2:09 AM]: BEEP BEEP BITCH

Text [2:17 AM]: Your milk is going bad.

Pity whoever wakes up to that deluge of text messages, goes intothe kitchen and finds her passed out on their table next to an empty cerealbox. You’d be lucky to find her still passed out on your front porch tbh. She’dstill be there throughout the night and effectively fuck up your morning but atleast your kitchen is in the clear.

But also she does like calling people sometimes, but that’s sortof really more reserved for people she’s closer to. It’s easier to hide how shereally feels through text messages, you see. When she ends up talking topeople, her voice can tend to crack. You can hear it when she’s sad, or whenshe’s not in the mood. It’s easier to pretend she’s happy when all she has todo is type up a few letters, but on the same token – she tends to hate it. Textingmakes her feel, to a certain degree – detached.

And Jackie searches for an actual connection sometimes, even ifshe doesn’t realize it. She won’t actively ask for help when she needs it, butif she’s feeling a little too lonely or a little too out of it and needssomething real to hold on to for that moment, that’s when she’ll usually makethe decision to call. Usually it might not be for anything in particular maybe,so she’ll prattle on about silly things for a time, but just having someone onthe other end talk to her is usually soothing enough for her to calm down andremember herself. A reminder to her that even in her own darkness, there issomeone out there who cares for her in even the simplest of ways, even thoughher mind usually tells her otherwise.

She wouldn’t prefer to meet them in person when she’s in thosemoods, because having that concern given to her point blank would make herdefenses shatter and she’d end up crying and she honestly really, really hatesthat. So doing it over the phone is just so much easier because it allows her toopen up without necessarily feeling like all her vulnerabilities are being putout on display. So if she does call you to talk, it’s something prettymomentous in itself. It means she misses you, it means she trusts you to acertain degree, and it means she needs you.

She’s just not quite sure how to say it.

☆ : Of the sun, stars, and the moon,which is your muse’s favorite?

The stars above all else, though the moon is a close contender.There’s something so captivating about the glimmer of the stars to her; athousand sparkling diamonds that flicker out in the darkness, that essentially remindsher of how small she really is in comparison to the rest of the world. Andrather than let that scare her, she tends to feel amazed by it; because itgives her some sense of peace almost – to come to the realization that theworld is so huge and there are still so many discoveries and experiences stillwaiting for her to explore. It inspires her, reminds her not to give up. It helps remind that even her current problems at the moment areoverall small speed bumps in the face of what her future could possibly bring, and anything in the world is possible - including healing – so long as she keeps moving.

She loves the stars because they remind her that even in thegloom, they still shine. They never truly disappear, and they still light the path no matter where you might wander. They watch over you though you feel like you might bealone, and they almost seem to feel like friends to her in a way. She’swhispered her secrets to them, her deepest wishes. She’s cried in theirpresence, a few too many times along empty rooftops. And always, she’s been comfortedby their presence when she looks up and sees them still in place, still twinklingdown at her and lending just a bit of their light – almost a source of strengthto remind her that she herself still sparkles no matter the darkness she’s beenthrough. And as silly as it may be, that alone keeps her going.

Because no matter how much she might burn within the oftentimes oppressivedarkness she finds herself in; like the stars, she resolves not to let her own light drown within it.

☃ : What is your muse’s favorite season? What about their least favoriteseason, if they have one?

She tends to like every season, but her favorite season above allwould be that of Summer. Not necessarily for the weather, because she hates theheat like nothing else, but more due to the fact that she loves the essence offun that it brings, the amount of energy and vibrancy that comes with allthings related to the season itself.

That usually means trips to the beach, vacations and road trips bythe truckload. Her wanderlust seems to grow even stronger and opportunities aboundas music festivals are usually more prominent during this season as well, and soshe travels, as she’s always best enjoyed being able to play those types ofevents on the beach as well. There’s a sense of freedom that comes along with thisparticular season, and she makes sure to use it to its complete potential.During this time, the sun’s rays almost seem to give Jackie a bit more vitalitythan usual, replenishing her usual vivacity into something even brighter – otherwise allowingher to give back more of her own energy to those around her.

Her fashion style somewhat tends to gets a little more ordinaryfor the general public as well, whether on the beach or off of it – which issomething she appreciates. Whether it be shorts or bikini tops, she doesn’t seemto get the usual amount of judgmental stares during this period, because it cantend to be pretty normal to wear such things with how hot it can get. That’s something sheappreciates as a reprieve from, at the very least. Not that she cares too muchabout what some people might think, but it can get her somewhat self-conscious attimes, being subjected to it for a majority of the year. So her more risque clothing can tend to make an appearance, but mostly just because she really likes being able to express herself fully more than anything. 

Her least favorite season however would probably be that ofSpring, for no reason other than it just doesn’t strike her fancy as much asAutumn or Winter would. Jackie does like the arrangement of flowers that bloomsforth during this time of the year, yet that’s about it. Otherwise, she alsotends to prefer Summer blossoms above that of those of Spring as well, so it’s not toomuch of an astounding experience for her in any case. She can appreciate the season for what it is. Anything more, and she altogether can get a bit too bored. 

Unless its cherry blossoms, at least. That part of Spring, she definitely looks forward to.

// @luseron

[axiomandidiom-blog]

This was made for kids in high school and I did it anyway

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life?

No

2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

I don't know who that would be, but probably. I assume I've forgiven them if I can't remember. Unless we're counting me, in which case, no. I have not forgiven myself.

3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Cats. But, like, TV cats. I don't think of real cats as making this noise.

4:What’s something you really want right now?

Money. Which is stupid. I have money, or enough. I guess actually I want money so I don't have to plan my spending, and I don't want to plan my spending because I'm scared of numbers and because I don't like cooking and because I can't keep anything in the fridge without it rotting, as food tends to do if you forget about it and leave it in there.

5:Are you afraid of falling in love?

No. I am afraid that I am unlovable. I don't think I'm a person most of the time. I can't do things people can do. I'm something less-than.

6:Do you like the beach?

I adore the beach. I should go.

7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I think I've been asleep while some nephew was sitting on me. If that counts. Otherwise no. I haven't had an opportunity to in many years, and I don't like touching people mostly, and I can't really sit still without fidgeting and that makes me nervous when in situations where I have to sleep near someone. I almost can't believe I typed that. I'm the fucking worst.

8:What’s the background on your cell?

Default. D:. I've never thought of changing it. What's wrong with me? What would I even put there? People? Friends? I don't like any of my friends enough to do that. It would have to be a pretty hilarious picture.

9:Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine, my roommate's... some of the bonus ones at my parents' house I guess. I don't go in people's bedrooms.

10:Do you like your phone?

Kinda shit tbqh fam

11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

I've never been a planner. I kind of always assume I'm going to die imminently. I think that's called “generalized anxiety” but it's my experience of life. If this is a roundabout way of asking if I feel like I've accomplished anything, the answer is no.

12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Either my therapist :X or the phone at work, idk on the timing exactly they both happened kinda recently

13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

I don't like dogs. But man do I hate poodles. Rottweiler might be okay if I could get it to be nice (I'm aware this is dependent mostly on me, and frankly I'm irresponsible af)

14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Does anyone say physical? I mean I get headaches sometimes and I can't really do anything but wallow when that happens, and I'm in fairly constant emotional turmoil and it doesn't stop me from going to work or doing my laundry or anything. So idk. But fuck emotional pain. At least I know the physical pain will go away. At least physical pain has causes I can identify, things I can do to prevent or mollify it. Emotional pain is just mind poison and you can't get it out and you can't stop it.

15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Art museum. I don't like animals really.

16:Are you tired?

Typically.

17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Like 2 months. I assume this means first in alphabetical order, cause I got no way of determining any other order that I know of.

18:Are they a relative?

Nah. Friend of a friend who played DnD with me a couple of times. She's cool but I can tell from the way she talks to me that I don't make much sense to her.

19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Just the one. And no. I think that would just make me hurt worse. I think I'm poison, and I think other people are poison too. And I'm still really mad at her for like no reason. And I'm still upset about the entire thing. Why did I do that? Why did I do anything?

20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

2009. So like ~7 years. Same person as last answer. I don't want to talk to her. I see her around sometimes and all I feel is shame.

21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe in other people, and I don't believe in tomorrow.

22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I think I would just start crying instead.

23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

0. I don't do adornments.

24:Is there a certain quote you live by?

Everybody else is just trying to get by, too. If you can do anything to make it easier for them, do it. Also, I don't like to be first and I don't like to be last. I don't think those are quotes but they inform my thinking a lot.

25:What’s on your mind?

I'm horrible. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was thin. I wish my skin was better. I wish I wasn't so abrasive or critical. I wish I didn't get tired of people. I wish I was better at talking and making people feel like I'm interested in them, I think people who can do that have a better time. I wish my brain worked right. I wish I could keep things together in my head and in my life.

26:Do you have any tattoos?

No. I don't like anything enough to tattoo it on me. I don't generally believe the events in my life have meaning, let alone have enough meaning to be converted to a symbol and affixed to my skin.

27:What is your favorite color?

Orange, followed closely by green.

28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Possibly never.

29:Who are you texting?

My friend group.

30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

Yeah. Was many years ago. But we did more than that on couches.

31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes but that doesn't mean anything. I feel like something bad is always about to happen and sometimes bad things happen. There's no causal relationship there, and not even a particularly strong correlational one.

32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I like to talk to my friend J when she's around. I feel like she understands me and likes me. She's an old friend's sister, and the daughter of my mom's friend. I'm not really friends with her brother any more but I still like and talk to J. Just, not very often. I wish I was better friends with my friend E's fiance but I dunno how to make that happen.

33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Good feelings? I dunno, I think some of my friends think I'm okay. Romantic feelings? Lol who would that even be. If there is, they should say something to me because I'm p oblivious. But no, I doubt it.

34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Maybe? Not many people look into my eyes, and I don't like looking into the eyes of other people.

35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I'd probably leave. I assume (I hope, on some level) she is kissing someone, because that would mean she was with or pursuing someone, and I want that for her if that's what she wants. I also would feel really, really bad, and go outside and look at the sky and think about how shitty I am.

36:Were you single on Valentines Day?

For the last 7 years

37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

No. Don't want to be. I don't think I could do that. I think I used to want to, or think I could, and somehow that feeling has shriveled and all that's left are fear and anger and sadness.

38:What do your friends call you?

My name. :/

39:Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yeah. Lots of. Not on purpose I don't think. I just tend to ruminate and let things accumulate until I'm just all sorts of a mess. And that's been like that for the last 28 years.

40:Have you ever cried over a text?

I don't remember. Don't think so.

41:Where’s your last bruise located?

Arms probably.

42:What is it from?

Dunno. I bruise super easily, and I bump into stuff a lot.

43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Couple months ago was the last time I thought about seriously leaving my situation. Before I got a job. I also have some persistent but passive suicidal ideation and if I'm being rational I can think “you don't want to die, you just want to not be doing what you're doing or going through what you're going through,” and that helps a little.

44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Friend E. Just making plans I think.

45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

No. I don't keep them long enough for that. I wear them until they fall off.

46:Do you wear hats if you're having a bad hair day?

What does this mean? I wear hats when I haven't washed my hair in a few days and I look shitty.

47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

I have been bald, not sure it was the style. I would do it again, it just isn't super socially acceptable.

48:Do you make supper for your family?

Lol what family. And I'm a garbage cook.

49:Does your bedroom have a door?

No I live in a cave and I drape a sheet over the entrance.

50:Top 3 web-pages?

Sfw, I like certain reddits, giant in the playground is cool too, love me some twitch.

51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Me and everyone who has the attention problems I do.

52:Does anything on your body hurt?

Not at the moment.

53:Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depends on the permanence. The act itself isn't. I'm not so great at dealing with the aftermath.

54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Who can say, I do this all the time, it's a miracle I keep myself clean at all ever.

55:How is your hair?

Short, and garbage.

56:What do you usually do first in the morning?

Look at my phone, try and get some music playing, helps me get up.

57:Do you think two people can last forever?

All permanence is an illusion.

58:Think back to January 2007, were you single?

Yeah.

59:Green or purple grapes?

Green.

60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Next time I feel bad for them, or next time I see someone I haven't in a while and that I like (this is p rare), I don't like touching people.

61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, and no. Yes because always I wish my life was not my life, no because I like my bed, it's a nice bed.

62:When will be the next time you text someone?

Tomorrow sometime probably.

63:Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Here, sleeping hopefully.

64:What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Think I was still asleep.

65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

I don't like people. I haven't felt attraction to anyone in a long time, until recently, when I stopped taking some of the drugs I take. I frankly don't know what to do with this feeling and it's upsetting to me and makes me feel alone and pointless and horrible. How come other people get to have this thing I can't have?

66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

No.

67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Niece/Nephews, other misc family.

68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

Anxiety about church today. It was bad but not as bad as I thought it would be.

69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

This is what life is. You have asked me if I have been alive, and by my count I've got 28+ years of living behind me.

70:How many windows are open on your computer?

4

71:How many fingers do you have?

Is this a trick question? I have 12 like everybody else.

72:What is your ringtone?

Keep it silent. Heartbeat buzz pattern.

73:How old will you be in 5 months?

Just turned 29. RIP

74:Where is your Mum right now?

At her house.

75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

What a dreadful question. Because she got tired of me? Because I don't know what love is or means? Because I'm garbage? Fuck you question 75 you made me sad.

76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

I. Don't. Like. Touching. People.

77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes. Hopefully always. They are the only things in my life that make me feel good.

78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

Like, 7th grade? Fuck me. Uh. Yes. Ansley. I dunno why. She was mean and sharp and sad. She dated a friend of mine and was awful to him. I'm a messed up person.

79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

My brother.

80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Yes.

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months?

???

Zero mostly. Though as mentioned above I've been recovering my sense of attraction to people. But I don't interact with anyone consistently enough to, uh, 'like' them.

82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

My roommate. It's hot in here and it's usually no pants o'clock. It's not weird, you're weird for thinking it's weird.

83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

No, because no and because there is no person.

84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I've never been drunk. I don't yell at people. I drive around with my roommate and other friends though.

85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Is it disrupting their life? Is it a problem? Are they hurting themselves? If yes, then yes.

86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

Ate dinner with my family tonight, Uncle+Aunt (in law), both brothers, niece/nephews.

87:Who was your last received call from?

I think a debt collector, smdh.

88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Yeah. I'd be upset about it though. Look we all live with certain unpleasant realities, I don't have any control over that, I can't just not exist in this world where someone offered me $1000 to kill a living creature in a horrible manner just to see what kind of detrimental effect it would have on my psyche. Also, it's an insect. It's basically a really complicated robot. If it was a cat or something I'd say fuck no, probably to any amount of money.

89:What is something you wish you had more of?

Attention and Concentration.

90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Maybe? It's been a while since I've been taken abject advantage of.

91:Do you sleep with your window open?

When it's too damn hot, yeah.

92:Do you get along with girls?

About as well as I get along with other types of humans, which is to say, no. I'm agreeable and conflict averse but I'm not really engaging and I don't like to be engaged.

93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Does it qualify if there's an obvious truth and a path to change in my own life and I can't see it or refuse to acknowledge its existence? Because this might be the case.

94:Does sex mean love?

No? Does anyone think this? I think the problem here is one of equivocation. If you think sex means love you necessarily don't have the same definition of love that I do. It means your definition of love is sex. So what you're saying is do I think (word x) means sex, in which case, maybe it does, sometimes words have synonyms. But if you're asking me if I equate my idea of love with my idea of sex, then no, those are different things, specificity in definition is what leads to knowledge and understanding.

95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Maybe that would make us talk. I think I would have a panic attack, though. I think that would be a conversation I wouldn't want to have. I would want her to tell me there's nothing wrong with me and that we weren't right for each other, and that would would go a long way maybe.

96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Nope.

97:Did you sleep alone this week?

For. 7. Years.

98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

I find fault with the premise; if everybody has somebody that makes them happy, and I don't have that, am I not everybody? I already know I'm not everybody. If we're starting from the assumption that the former is true, how could the latter be not true if we assume the former? If we can't assume the former, then the question should read, “Do you have somebody that makes you happy?” which was alluded to in an earlier question. And no, I don't. I'm aware that mostly I'm in control of my own emotions, or that I'm in control of my interpretation of information and evidence which has an effect on my emotional state.

99:Do you believe in love at first sight?

No, for the reasons put forward in question 94. To believe in the above I would need to equate attraction with love and I don't. I do believe in attraction, and that attraction is (initially) strongly dependent on sight for some people, and also that physical attraction is not an indicator of future relationship or of compatibility (though it might be a precursor to a sexual liaison, and there's nothing wrong with that. And yeah, I am speaking only about other people. I don't do that, don't think I would want to do that with a rando).

100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I wrote a short script where two characters have a special promise called a “chigsy swear” where they both brush their chins with wiggling fingers and say “not by the hair on my chigsy chig chigs.” This is the closes approximation to the question I can recall.