#she/they on the left they/them in the middle he/him on the right don't misgender them <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[reanimatestar]

3

[image description: a digital drawing of the artist's original characters, gurvinder, charlie, and william. gurvinder is a punjabi teenager with long wavy hair tied into a ponytail with a scrunchie, wearing a collared shirt, a skirt, and a jacket that she wears off-shoulder. charlie is a black teenager with shoulder-length locs, wearing glasses with cracked lens, a collared shirt with a jumper, and pants. william is a vietnamese chinese teenager with wavy shoulder length hair partially tied up, wearing an oversized jacket over a collared shirt. on the left, gurvinder is holding a crowbar and glancing behind her with a nervous expression. in the middle, charlie wields a baseball bat and grimaces, looking to the right. on the right, william is looking to the right with a worried expression, holding a gardening rake to defend himself. the characters are coloured in red, yellow, and turquoise respectively, and the background is white. white text on the characters reads: "roleplaying game - soramafuurasaka". /end description]

[alder-saan]

the Path of Poisons .8

Columbine

Larissa x gn! oc

OKAY, I know the name is... what it is, but I'm talking about the flower, not about anything else, okay?

the Path of Poisons masterlist . [01] . [02] . [03] . [04] . [05] . [06] . [07] . [08] . [09]

wordcount: 2k

tw: Larissa's low self-esteem, poisoning

warning: as usual, this one is a translation... so sorry for weird English and misgenderings.

As Larissa had expected, she and Rei had hardly spoken to each other this week, except during the staff meetings. She had a lot of work to do, and Rei didn't have to make much effort to avoid her. They were beginning to think that ending the relationship here, before it went too far, might be the best thing to do. It was cowardly, to stop like that without saying anything. But Rei had never been a very brave person. They didn't want to lie to her, but every time they had the chance to tell her, the words got stuck in their throat. They were afraid that the nightmare would start again. And then being in Nevermore made them tense.

They were in the middle of a lesson when a student entered the greenhouse without knocking.

"Mx Asphodelus, Mrs. Kedlan is asking for you! It's urgent.

"Finish studying the columbine flowers, I'll be back. Careful, no ingestion, I trust you."

They went out. If Thalia was calling them like this in the middle of a class, it must be really urgent. They followed the student through the academy. He led them to the infirmary. Right. It must have been poison, they thought.

The door opened to reveal the nurse, Mrs. Weems, Thalia and a dark haired student lying on the bed.

"Rei, Wednesday has been poisoned. We don't know what it is and as I know you know a bit about it, we wanted to know if it was worth calling for help."

"Mmm. I'm going to watch this. Do you know what the poison is, how she swallowed it?"

"Nobody knows," Larissa replied, "she came to my office saying she had been poisoned, and then she fainted. I brought her straight here."

"Good."

They looked at the girl. Her skin was pinker than usual, her breathing was rapid.

"Okay, I've got the antidote, but I'll need someone to watch her while I go and get it. Make sure she's still breathing, and watch her heart."

They ran out of the infirmary. Cyanide. She had been poisoned by cyanide. They ran as fast as they could. In this kind of case, it was all a matter of seconds. Once in his classroom, he made no comment, nor did he answer any of the students' questions as they watched him rummage through his cupboard, cursing.

"What's going on?" someone asked, a little louder than the others.

"Shut up and stop experimenting. Wash your hands well. I have no more antidote for you."

Rei left, and all the students dropped their flowers. On the way back, they tried to fill a small syringe with the liquid they had gone to get. He slowed down, watching the liquid slowly fill the container, and then continued to run to the infirmary. They slammed the door open. Wednesday was still lying on her bed, and thank God she was still breathing. Rei stuck the needle in her shoulder.

"Now call the emergency room. She needs to be taken care of."

"We already did," said the nurse, "what… What was it?"

"Cyanide."

Larissa frowned.

"Cyanide?"

I don't know where it came from, though. She could have swallowed it, or inhaled it, or whatever, and it could be from a lot of different things.

"Could it be… criminal?"

Yes. And it probably is. Accidental cyanide poisoning is not common at all.

Larissa shivered. Someone still wanted to hurt them. And with what had happened the previous year, it didn't look good. She was afraid. She was afraid for Nevermore, for her students, but also for herself. She felt very selfish, being afraid for herself. The health of her students had always come first, until she had been poisoned. All this had made her weak.

"She will survive. If she didn't die in the first few minutes, she'll survive. It's a quick poison."

Rei quietly reached for Larissa's hand beside them. They gently stroked her palm with their thumb. It was a bit silly considering they had just ended his advances a week before. But seeing her like this hurt.

"Don't worry about it. We'll find out who did this together. Speaking of poison, my friend said, I have Avareida's contact information. I'll send it to you right away."

Larissa nodded, a little reassured to have someone, to have Rei, by her side. She had been overthinking all week, wondering what she had done wrong in relation to them, but now she felt a little better. If they took her hand to reassure her, it was because they didn't have a problem with her, did they?

___

from: l.weems@nevermoreacademy.com to: avareidahydrurga@gmail.com

"Hello,"

Larissa deleted.

"Dear Av."

Larissa deleted.

"Dearest"

Larissa deleted. She held her head in her hands, elbows resting on her desk. Tears welled up in her eyes. What was she supposed to start this email with? What was she supposed to say? She wasn't even sure why she'd wanted to send it. She wanted to feel better herself, it was selfish. She had become selfish, and she realized it. But she wanted to send that email. She had to do it. She couldn't not do it. She took a deep breath.

"Dear Avareida,

I think you remember me, I think you can't forget me after what I did.

I am deeply sorry.

I wanted to apologize to you, even though I know it won't be enough. What I did was horrible and unforgivable, and I hope you got better after that. If there's anything I can do to help you, like reimburse you for counselling or anything like that, I'd be happy to do it.

I'll understand if you don't want to answer me, don't worry about it. So if you don't want to hear from me ever again, don't answer me and I'll take that as a sign that it's my turn to forget you.

If you want to answer me, I can hear and read everything. I am ready to accept the consequences of my actions.

Sincerely,

Larissa."

She pressed the send button immediately, as if she knew that hesitating any longer would lead her to give up. She shouldn't give up. Not now. She had to take responsibility. She had no right to do otherwise.

There was a knock at her door.

She wiped a few tears from her eyes with the back of her sleeve and spoke in a voice that wanted to be confident.

"Come in."

Rei gently pushed the door open.

"Hello, I wanted to see how you were doing…"

They approached her with a worried smile on their faces. Larissa was livid.

"I just… I just sent an email to Ava… One of my students is in the hospital, and someone wants to harm my academy. I think I've lived better."

She laughed nervously.

"Hey, it's okay… I'm here for you. We're all here for you."

"I feel like a horrible person."

"You're not."

"I am! I was horrible to someone when I was young, and this story scares me more for myself than for anyone else!"

Rei looked into her eyes, looking both serious and sorry.

"You almost died a few months ago. Of course you're afraid. Don't ever blame yourself for being afraid, Larissa. Please don't."

"But that's selfish!"

"Larissa, if you're selfish, I don't know what I am. I've always done everything for myself. You sacrificed yourself for a school. I flight, I lie, you face, you protect. And you were hurt. It's normal that you want to protect yourself, for once. Nobody blames you for being afraid."

They walked around the desk. Larissa swiveled her seat towards them, and they put their hands on the principal's cheeks.

"Refusing to be your partner was totally selfish. Because I want to, you want to, and I could, but that would require me to do something I don't want to do. Maybe you're angry with me for saying no."

"Not at all."

Rei gave her a soft smile, and stroked her cheeks with their thumbs.

"What do you… What do you have to do? You're already in a relationship, aren't you?" Larissa asked.

"I can't tell you that, I'm sorry. But I'm not in a relationship."

"And… does that really stop you from being my partner?"

Rei took a step back, and looked out the window thoughtfully, arms crossed over their chest.

"Technically, no. Morally… It's a bit complicated."

"Raine… Is it serious?"

Larissa stood up, her eyebrows slightly furrowed.

"It's complicated. But if you must know, no crime was committed, no one was hurt."

"Would you mind if we continued to see each other anyway?"

They looked around the courtyard at the students talking and laughing. A bittersweet feeling came over their heart.

"It would be selfish of me to agree."

"You can be selfish, I don't care. As long as you haven't lied to me about who you are, I don't care about anything else."

"You… You think I lied to you?"

Their heart quickened. Did she know? Did she suspect anything? Did she know everything? And since when? They felt themselves start to tremble, but they hid it so well that Larissa couldn't have guessed.

"No. But I don't know, you could be playing a role, you could be making me think you like me, you could… I don't know."

They sighed silently, everything was fine, Larissa didn't suspect anything, and that was the main thing.

"I'm not playing a role. I'm genuine, when I talk to you, when I act."

"So I don't care about anything else. As long as I like you, and not a role you play, I don't care about the rest. If you want to, as you say, become my partner."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes. I don't know what you have to do, but take your time. I can even help you, if you want. But I can also help you do it if we're together. I want to help you."

Truth was, Larissa wasn't sure if she wanted to help them or just help. As if helping someone could erase all the bad things she'd done in her youth.

"Look, I… I should never have agreed to see you in the first place. It was a mistake on my part, I shouldn't have."

Larissa frowned and took two steps back.

"Is this all a mistake to you?"

Rei shrugged, their eyes still fixed on the outside, even though the students had left.

"A very nice mistake, but a mistake nonetheless. And it's not because it's you. I'm in a situation where dating you wasn't a good idea. I shouldn't have started, and it would be better if we stopped before it got too hard for me."

"I don't understand you."

"You will. And on that day, you'll judge what you want. I want you to know that it's because your judgment of me is not clear right now, and that you might consider it taking advantage of you, when you understand. I don't want you to think that about me. So I'd rather wait until you know everything. If you ever know."

"If there wasn't… All of this. Would you?"

"Yes."

Rei had answered so quickly, Larissa was a little relieved.

"When you get better," Rei continued, "I'll tell you everything. For now, you need to rest, and we'll deal with the most urgent problems."

___

Larissa sat up in bed. It was late. Much too late for someone who needed to rest. She ran her hands through her hair to untangle the curls that fell down her back. Outside, the wind caressed the leaves of the trees in the night. With a gentle gesture, she placed the pins on her bedside table. And then she undressed completely. Her stockings, her dress, her underwear. She looked at herself, naked but still made up in the mirror.

"Hey, old girl… Look at you, you look depressed. Pull yourself together."

She made a face, thought she was stupid, and put on her silk nightgown. She wanted to feel desirable tonight. Even if there was no one to see her.

I don't need anyone.

_____________________________________

sorry, that wasn't that good haha...

Well I hope the next chapter will be better.

[fromofandfor]

I had an acquaintance once. We called him Badger. Met him the only year I performed in our local haunted house. He'd been kicked out the season prior, an addict struggling to get clean and not yet able to stop himself from taking his anger out on the world. He was the type of guy you'd look at and cross the street to avoid out of fear. The kind you'd expect to rip a book in half rather than read one. But he knew that and felt bad about how he acted in the past matching how he was usually percieved. When I met him, he'd worked hard on himself so he could come back. But the cast, despite most of them being new like me, just looked at and treated him like an uneducated junkie with anger issues and backwoods ideas because he came from bumfuck, nowhere and had a dark past.

i just treated him like a dude. A flawed human, just like the rest of us. He might've been rough and tumble, but his trying was more than the shiny, happy, less self-aware people were capable of. So when he said something dumb, I just conversed with him about it. Gave him space to go on a little rant and express why he felt that way and walked him through other perspectives. Most of the time all he needed was a bit of information. Once he understood, it was like something clicked in his brain and he'd do everything he could to fix his thinking, all the while thanking me for not treating him like crap because of his lack of understanding. It was like watching a baby deer learn how to use it's legs.

My being non-binary confused the fuck out of him, though. He more or less understood trans binaries, but the idea of anything outside of that was like college level physics and he only had third grade math. So I spoke his language. Why give a TEDtalk when I can just say everyone is different, but my flavor of nonbinary is "fabulous question mark" and my pronouns are they/them? He got the descriptor fast ("so fuck it, just... be who you are and screw the ppl who are confused bc them being confused is better than you feeling bad?") but holy hell, he struggled with those pronouns. Oh boy, did they ever fuck him up.

He never stopped trying though.

I've seen this man go stand in the corner and put on his silicone mask to muffle a scream of rage at something small going wrong, but he never once got upset when I corrected him on my pronouns. He always apologized, never turning it into a big deal, usually cracking a joke at his own expense and promising he'd get it right one day.

He never did. We lost him to relapse a little over a year after the last time I saw him, just before the new season was about to start. But he did land on something I hold dear to my heart. Halfway through that season, instead of referring to me with "they/them", he started using "thee/thou". I don't know how intentional it was, but I didn't have the heart to correct him after that. It was thee and thou til the day he died, and those words still make me wet in the eyes.

I know from other friends that he talked about me after I left, that he was sad I didn't come back for another year. They also tell me he was lighter than before. Friendlier, less angry, more understanding. I didn't do that, that was all him. But I know for a fact it was because he felt safe enough to become that person and discover those things. Because I never shit on him for his language, which everyone else always did. What did I care if he was using a slur if he was using it to help himself understand and empathize better, thereby eventually getting to a point where he could understand it was bad and stop using it? If I shamed him for his upbringing and understanding of the world, he never would have wanted to learn or been capable of listening in the first place.

This, as opposed to Brandy, the middle-aged white woman with a full understanding of trans/non-binary, who would use the right language and claim to be an ally yet misgender me on the regular. Usually right after telling me I reminded her of her trans kid as she wondered aloud why they have no relationship anymore (before pinning it on said kid, bc clearly she was a great mom and ally if I was her friend 🙄).

I was never her friend.

"The trannies should be able to piss in whatever toilet they want and change their bodies however they want. Why is it my business if some chick has a dick or a guy has a pie? I'm not a trannie or a fag so I don't care, just give 'em the medicine they need."

"This is an LGBT safe space. Of COURSE I fully support individuals who identify as transgender and their right to self-determination! I just think that transitioning is a very serious choice and should be heavily regulated. And there could be a lot of harm in exposing cis children to such topics, so we should be really careful about when it is appropriate to mention trans issues or have too much trans visibility."

One of the above statements is Problematic and the other is slightly annoying. If we disagree on which is which then working together for a better future is going to get really fucking difficult.

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3