#she sounds so small when she says
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i okay. the thing about athena is she sounds so much more mortal this saga. the oooh i pushed you too hard and the you're a good kid, not to mention how pleading she is in all of god games. she's acknowledged her faults and how she has a second chance. how she can give that to odysseus. fuckkkkkk it reminds me of how people have historically liked greek gods because of their humanness, their fallible and fickle nature. athena is more human because of her ability to grow
#can you TELL i was a su fan. the amazingness of human growth and all that#epic the musical#wisdom saga#athena#and how odysseus calls out for her in the end...#she sounds so small when she says#he needs my help#save a FRIENDSHIP with a prisoner#he's a friend now?? he's a friend now...#AAAAAGAHHHHHHHH#epic#odysseus
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band! doodles
have some random drawings i collected up and put on one canvas and finished up because i need storage space <3
#undertale au#undertale#undertale au fanart#band its#band!au#human au#human dust#human dusts sans#human killer#human killer sans#killer sans#dust sans#killer is gonna look at that image of himself in a few years and cringe SO. BAD.#fun fact#when Dust met Killers mother for the first time -#having known Killer before as Killer gave him blankets and things from his house#even though he couldnt understand Dust - Killer parents were confused as to where all their blankets went#- when Dust comes to Killers house dragging Cross behind him having learned a small amount of english at this point#-the first think he says to Killers mother - on seeing her beautiful lavender hijab that she was wearing that day-#commented that 'purple is his...best colour.' - meaning favourite but not knowing the word#Killers mother fell for that kid the second she heard that - she needed to keep him safe and sound#dust never listened - he always just walked out the door when he needed to leave#he occasionally left Ash with Killers parenta when he needed childcare though#she never stopped trying to care for him until the day she died
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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barnes and noble has been raising the prices of everything and further pushing for their premium membership option (which they raised the price of by 60 percent this year!) and then when they have big sales events, they're less than what they used to be.
last year at this time you could get one of their leather-bound book annex tomes for $12.50 (without a member discount) because of the 50 percent off all hardcover sales. but they raised the price of those tomes from 25 bucks to 30, and they decreased the sale from 50 percent off all hardcovers to 1/3rd off. so that same book that was $12.50 at last year's end-of-year sale is now 20 bucks. and that's supposed to be savings enough to induce me to walk into one of their stores this week?
i'm sorry but b&n has just gotten so greedy, even though their business has only been doing better and better in previous years. they do not have to be raising prices like they have been, and they can damn well afford to have the same savings events they used to. if you went to one of those hardcover sales a year or two ago, even if you lived in a less populated area like i do, you had never seen a b&n so busy in your life. things were flying off the shelves. they WERE making bank.
and as a company they've only been growing and growing (as much as the publishing industry has been, in recent years). but there are so many other ways to buy books. CHEAPER ways to buy books. MORE SUSTAINABLE ways to buy books. and since books and booksellers are doing really well right now, i don't see why barnes and noble is getting so greedy when they don't have to be. i dont like new shiny books that much. people buy books for the content, ultimately. sometimes we as consumers might make the choice that a new shiny book is worth paying a bit more for, but not that much. barnes and noble has just been demanding more and more of their customers' money for less and less benefit.
#kaily and i shared a membership account for several years but she cancelled it over the summer#bc of them raising it from 25 dollars per year to 40. i'm sorry but we just were not spending enough to make that worth it#the benefits for a member used to be 10 percent off everything in-store and free shipping online.#now it's 10 percent off everything in-store AND online with free shipping. which sounds good enough#but not for a 60 percent pricehike. and a bunch of other supposed benefits no one would ask for#like a free tote (geez. thanks. yeah i really need a free tote every year) and like. a free treat at a cafe on your kids' birthday?#i dont have a kid.#between the two of us. we were not buying 400 dollars worth of stuff at b&n every year#oh and it's also 10 percent off the in-store starbucks. but im pretty sure that USED to be a benefit they had#years ago?? like i SWEAR ive gotten money off at the b&n starbucks so i guess they got RID of that at some point#and gave it BACK when they HIKED UP THE PRICE TO 40 BUCKS A YEAR#text post#barnes and noble#it's a shame bc where i live. barnes and noble is the only like fancy bookstore#and i live in an area that my barnes and noble... is like. what a boston barnes and noble eats for breakfast.#it's two floors. there are plenty of books that it doesn't have. plenty of sections that are very small#like the poetry section is just pathetic. i look at it every time i go and it just makes me sad.#i guess a lot of the book annex stuff contains poetry but still that's not really enough to entertain a rich interest in the genre for long#i outgrew the limited selection at my own local b&n poetry section by the time i was twenty. i was like i already know everything here.#which isn't to say i'm an expert in poetry. it's to say that the poetry section is barely bigger than a shelf#in fact ive never thought about it before but I OWN more poetry books than you'll find in the poetry section#at my local b&n. lol#i have a lot of nostalgia for b&n even though it is a big company that does not love me. i have very few books i bought new#that are not from barnes and noble. i got so many books that changed my life from them#i guess it's like a childhood/teenage attachment at this point bc ive had more mixed feelings abt the direction theyve been taking#for several years at this point.#and no i dont mean that theyve been expanding to selling more toys/games etc. theyve literally always done that in my lifetime. who cares.#they still have books#as an adult ive been more capable of seeing how limited their book selection is and how i have so many problems w that.#and it ultimately comes down to them being a big greedy company
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#sometimes I will think about this quote I read once that said ‘Shakespeare wrote better than he could write. Michael Angelo painted#better than he could paint’ and the point was just. the art as something almost speaking through the artist#especially at certain points#and I feel that way about Taylor#I don’t know how to explain it but sometimes I hear her songs so differently than at other times#like sometimes. (this is going to sound insane) sometimes they sound too fast to me#like. it’s TOO efficient.#in terms of structure#because she is BRUTALLY efficient almost#and sometimes (sorry I keep using the word sometimes) I just want to reach out my hand and like. rest it over the song#and tell it to breathe. and at other times I can FEEL the song slot into place and I can feel the depths reached and I can feel the stars#align into place as she taps into the greater truth#like the first time I heard loml#and burst into tears#or when I listened to it again when I was on a drive in the mountains with Nina and I just started sobbing at the end#it doesn’t hit for me every single time (though every time it’s a good song)#is what I’m trying to say#and I think it’s because Taylor’s talent is the most restless spirit I’ve ever seen. she’s like a beanstalk growing right in front of me#and so as wonderful as she is she is never as wonderful as she WILL be#and I hate that attitude generally (so much) of being like ‘she’s just getting started that’s the crazy’#but the truest comments about Taylor ALWAYS say that#and it’s always struck me as true!!!! and that is why every album is better than the last and to an extent makes her previous work#look small in hindsight.#I keep being so struck by tortured poets and the way it has synthesized the personal and the storytelling#into a new blend we have NEVER seen before. the muses are present but theY ARE NOT PRESENT IN THE SAME WAY#they do ! not ! matter ! the way they used to#in her art she is getting farther away from what we call diaristic songwriting and she is moving deeper into the world of art#and as she does it you can FEEL (or at least I can feel or at least I think I can feel) the lightning and thunder (so to speak) gathering#in her heart and in her mind and in her journey and she is going to EXPLODE one of these days
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📓🖊️🧸
#i feel so lonely now bc i have no one to talk to sksksk#my sisters gets mad whenever i try to talk 2 mom and she just slammed doors nd got irritated at me#nd my mom is so stressed nd in a bad mood so she just got annoyed when i tried saying smth to her#so ig i should just vent to my bestfriend beloved diary confidant thats been here for me for 5yrs<3333#anywayyy today was rough.. i woke up w a headache after 3hrs of sleep :((#but still had to get up nd get ready nd eat boxed mashed potatoes for breakkyy 🤢🤮 (it's so gross after eating it everyday lol)#then w my hunchback nd achy stomach i went to school. it was frustrating bc ppl r so fkn rude#they bumped into me at the bus nd i had to sit like a weirdo caging my left stomach side from everyone. had to elbow some dumb fkn guy bc he#pressed his backpack into my side. so i had to basically push it away from me lol he thought i was so weird. but move tf away asshole??????#got to school nd checked myself in the mirror nd i was so pale i look like absolute garbage its annoying :((#it was next to insufferable to endure class bc my head hurt so bad (it was the worst part i think) nd i couldnt sit up straight so my back#hurt so bad too sksksks :<#but i managed to write a little but on my assignment#then i left a bit earlier bc i couldnt stand it anymore i was feeling so bad#wrnt to the library bc i had to return some books. could only carry two small ones tho so have to go back multiple times sksksk#felt soooo bad but ate some more disgusting mashed potatoes nd took a nap w an ice pack. took a migraine pill even if it upsets my stomach🤣#now a few hours later i feel better physically#buuuuuut im so miserable im not even kidding#idc if it sound pathetic or fatty but genuinely that moment w a cup of coffee nd a small chocolate treat everyday makes me feel sm better#like im not kidding!!!!! it does a lot for my peace of mind sksksk T-T#im so miserable bc i cant eat anything still im so hungry :((#and im weak. im pale. my skin's dry. it's itchy bc of malnutrition... i feel faint nd dizzy nd slow nd just not good at all#im so frustrated i hate this sm i wanna feel strong and healthy!! i dont wanna be constantly hungry. i wanna go to the gym nd go for walks#i wanna be able to sit up straight nd not get back pain!!!#i know i know it's only been 8 days since surgery and it takes time to heal i get it..... :(#but theres just too much going on and im so sick and tired of it all#mostly i just wanna be able to eat and feel strong bc i feel so weak nd i miss food so much sksksksk
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The amount of platonic love and tenderness in Michael's farewell letter to Louisa is off the charts. And one of the signs of that love is the kind of focus Michael places on small mundane things about Louisa. Like the detail with which he describes the ways she laughs: "your short little laugh. Not quite a bark, but a shift so sudden that it has to be genuine. [...] So real, never forced. No melody to it, really, but still musical. Sometimes short and guttural. Sometimes a cackle, like notes going up a scale". Michael describes Louisa's laughter in such a specific way that shows the attention he pays to her and the way he holds her ordinary mannerisms in his mind. He doesn't describe her laugh with the kind of typical compliments that could be seen as generic - it's so clear that these descriptions are specific to Louisa and his memories of her, and there's so much love in that specificity.
Then there's the story of Michael bringing whiskey back from the kitchen without even realising, and the way he remembers Louisa's expression when she noticed: "everything, everything I needed to know was there, every freckle and contour. There was no judgment. Your face was open, your eyes soft and understanding, your mouth bent into the smallest knowing grin, your expression just barely pinched, just a touch of pain". There's something so profound to me about the level of attention he pays to the details of her expression, and how those small signals communicated something important between them without words.
These are two characters whose relationship has been repeatedly confirmed to be purely platonic (and remaining platonic) both within the podcast and by the show creators. It means so much to me that as part of that platonic dynamic, Michael pays such close loving attention to Louisa, and he remembers these ordinary details even when he's dying and hasn't seen her in months, and he says things like "your face, I could fall into it, like it was a calm lake or a pool. I could fall into it and float."
#Greater Boston#Greater Boston podcast#Michael Tate#Louisa Alvarez#You know that post that's like 'mortifying ordeal of being known and all that#but sometimes a friend mentions something small about you#and you feel like your heart is being cradled in their hands'?#That's what I think about when I think about Michael starving to death after months of isolation#and yet still holding in his mind the specific sound of Louisa's laugh#and the way she looked at him in a moment of vulnerability#Sometimes I think about Michael saying 'It will be that look that welcomes me to whatever’s next'#or how Michael is always afraid but not with or of Louisa#and I have to sit down for a while...#If you'll allow me a ramble#I think often having a high level of loving focus on someone's small characteristics#- particularly on things like their face or their voice -#is seen as inevitably a romantic indicator#and I think that assumption dismisses the experience of looking at - or thinking about - a friend#and feeling so full of platonic love at their ordinary details#not because of how they look or indeed because of any of those individual details themselves#but because those details are a part of someone you love and so they become suffused with love#And that's something I hear in the way Michael talks about Louisa's laugh#Their friendship is so beautiful#Even if he didn't call her his best friend or say he loves her in his farewell letter. you'd know it from every other sentence#Greater Boston podcast spoilers#Greater Boston spoilers#the empty man posteth
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Do not get the wrong idea… although my username and icon are lesbianusahana and I frequently talk about how gay I am I’d actually rather jump out a window on a several story tall building than come out to my family as a lesbian
#꒰🥀꒱ ❝ Tragic Prose ❞#RAZ LORE LIGHTNING ROUND for the new followers#don’t get the wrong idea! I love my mom. I’m very blessed to have such a tolerant and supportive mom#HOWEVER. just because she’s supportive doesn’t mean she’s normal. huge difference#she frequently gossips about her gay coworkers and despite pushing 50 is one of those Fandom Mom fujoshis who frequents AO3 religiously#I remember when I tried to initially ID as a lesbian I never came out. she found out by going on my Instagram profile and reading my carrd#fortunately she took it like a champ and was completely fine with it!#and honestly I would’ve been fine if she didn’t. y’know. make really uncomfortable jokes about lesbian sex to me#if I sound like I’m lying I promise I’m not. she’s just like that. she’s a walking talking Oppa Homeless Style kinda person#and don’t get me started on my dad. I wouldn’t say he’s bigoted per se I genuinely think he’s too stupid to actually be a bigot#years ago we went back to school shopping and I found this cute hat with a really small rainbow on it#and he was really hesitant on getting it because. he thought I’d be bullied. if kids thought I was gay.#and on the same shopping trip I showed him this Polaroid shirt I got with rainbow colors#and he said#(and I quote)#‘Oh because of gay rights?’#which is. uh. huh???#yeah I don’t think he has it in him to be bigoted but his little walnut sized brain would explode#fortunately my older sister is very cool. when I thought I was transmasc for a while she took it super well#so I don’t think she’ll care if I ever come out to her#see here’s the thing. my mom and sister technically know I’m gay#well. my explanation is ‘I’m bi but I prefer girls’ which they get. trying to tell them I’m a lesbian again is too risky a gamble#anyways. tangent over just was mulling over some stuff
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Rereading the dialog that is said during suppressions. Abel specifically says 'Loved Ones' as he speaks about those in the upper layer's demise and their struggle and urging to stop as continuing on is futile. Abram says 'colleagues'. 'Coworkers'. He does refer to them as 'Friends' once as well. But every other dialog is about Carmen or generalizing and saying 'everyone' rather than specifics. It just feels odd a bit to where he uses less strong terms when referring to relations with people and then afterwards only refers to Carmen by name rather than those still existing beside him. Even when it was stated by a facet of A and others (I can only remember Hokma off the top of my head. It may be only him which would make sense) refer to A having seen them as specifically 'Loved Ones'. Which is a far stronger showing and expression of emotion to those around you.
It makes me think of how he, Abram, expressed his desires, the desire to die [see: 'sink'/'sleep' for he explicitly refers to death consistently as slumber and when bringing the dead back 'waking them up'] and stop, in that moment. He constantly brings up, in general terms, self punishment and Carmen. Guilt that is carried with Carmen. Memories of her death, her passing. Of how she left without a smile. Of how she can no longer bask in the warmth of the sun she loved to do so frequently. Yet only of Carmen in name. Never anyone else or specifics of people, generalizations when referring to others and referring to them all inside a group, as a collective. Them and then Carmen. Focused on only that. On the fact he cannot move forward. Urging to just shut the eyes and to simply Sink. To Sleep. To die. It reminds me of when one goes ahead and becomes so interlaced with suffering and grief and despair that one simply stews inside of it, spiraling down further into that single train of thought. Holding onto the image of a dead and deceased one. It feels as if, in a more crude way of saying it as I cannot formulate a different way currrently at the moment, searching of 'justification' and a fitting reason to commit suicide. [I say Justification as what I really mean to say a 'fitting reason', that reason and end seeming to Be the Only way to continue, or lack of continue, at that point to him.] Rather than saying the names or specifics of those around him, of his loved ones still inside those metal boxes, he becomes enveloped in grief and only on Carmen. Abram's mistake which he fixates the most upon. Holds deep guilt for. Blames himself for. Saying he drove her to her death. That he is leaving her behind [I didnt save the exact quote but it was generally that]. When those inside the facility are people he also so clearly values and wished to bring back as well he, at this moment, primarily focuses on Carmen. Even when he does address the others it's in a more brief manner, having two pieces of dialog on the Sephirot specifically and it only relating to his Faults relating to them than the people themself when he speaks of Carmen in a more in depth manner. Perhaps it's still the wish clinging of to not hold trust in anyone. But it feels reminiscent to when a person tries to push themself and gain 'courage' to commit suicide. Of focusing only on the guilt and regret and the mourning of one already gone, who was so near and dear whom he did all of this for in the first place his desire only stemming from her and not the project itself, especially one who also killed herself, to go ahead and die as well. Perhaps it's not even an active thing he does in his mind. It's just become so overbearing that he has now gotten stuck in that never ending loop. Using far more stronger language of the woman dead and gone who he wishes to rejoin than of those currently alive and near to him, making them feel far more distant than they actually are mentally – at least in relations and connections wise. Depression does tend to tear down what one feels towards their loved ones and how they process and view relationships causing for people to exhibit such a thing by feeling distant in a room or alone with a loved one nearby as commonly known – and physically. I'm not saying that's 'totally what it is' or the sort. More of that reading it over again just reminded me of such a thing. Nothing revolutionary but more ramblings to process it all after it ended
#lobcorp spoilers#lobotomy corp spoilers#abram lobcorp#abel lobcorp#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#[LCorp]#All the tags needed I think. I cant really do much else but do small words today or anything else more mentally straining than idle thought#Ill likely be better tomorrow. If not then the tomorrow after. If not then that day afterwards#that makes it sound daunting.... itll be ever so slightly marginally better after i have ice cream i think. there. more easy#back to lobcorp though... i always was struck with how abram speaks and describes things#yes the obvious far more gentle and softer language when describing death when everything else doesnt shy away from calling it what it is#but also the disconnect with how he says things and the reality of it in a sense...? more of contradictions at least#hard to describe rifht now. him saying carmen left leaving nothing behind when her nervous system is still There#of the abnormalities that have snippets of her even in A's perspective being bloodbath and the snow queen#of how the facility was built underground due to the grief A felt. the company that mourns her#shes everywhere yet nowhere at once. yet she left so mant things behind. from memories and hope to scars#'faded' 'forgotten' shes here. shes here.#stepping into the bathtub to they wouldnt feel any guilt and the abram saying it was His Fault [cant find exact quote i paraphrased it]#sorry for not providing exact quotes as well im not motivated to do much... at all.. cant find it in me besides general loose thoughts#[Musings]
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It just hit me that we're getting a game where the main protagonist is called "Peach" and the main antagonist is called "Grape".
Is...is that why Nintendo called her that ? Because fruit ?
(Granted it probably sounds better in Japanese if that's her name there as well)
#Super Mario#Nintendo Direct#Princess Peach Showtime#Flor talks#I mean 'grape' definitely isn't the kind of name I was expecting out of a villain#but then again with that logic 'peach' isn't that smart of a name either; we just got used to this being her name#(btw I'm not english so have no issue having a character named 'Peach'; but if her name was 'Pêche' it would weird me the f out)#(all this to say the name 'Grape' actually doesn't sound bad to me; but I can understand why english-speaking people are weirded out by it#hence also mentioning how Japanese people won't find it strange if it's the same name overseas)#(my only issue with it is that it doesn't sound like a villain name)#also unrelated but I AM SO EXCITED FOR THAT GAME HOLY SHIT !!!!!#and again I am so SO glad Nintendo is keeping Peach's actual personality instead of whatever the movie was trying to do with her#like I love small details such as her cowering a bit when Stella goes on her hair; like yes Peach is going to save people#but she's still being herself doing so
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<3
#my besties here at college#when i came in we used to talk about stuff and she'd get surprised and ask me how i notice such small things#and have detailed description of everything#and always made jokes on me being deep analyzer and taking things too seriously#it was fun mostly but one time she made it in front of bcg that was when i began to have crush on him#i got so defensive i actually said not my fault you view life so blantly and superficially#how can you not see the beauty that comes in patterns that must feel awful being that oblivious almost disrespectful to nature#and i said it ofc in the funny manner and that may sound really rude but she took it in a positive way#so she began taking interest in everything and started to try to discuss and know my opinions about everything#and i loved that there was someone listening so fascinately like a kid#simultaneously she uses a lot of shuddh hindi vocab not even adults speak like that#and it was just weird to me to listen them in normal conversations#but since ive been good at hindi literature and have a good vocab i tried it too#used to feel so awkward at first almost like the words took too much effort to come out of mouth#because obviously i grew to learn the internet slangs and their medium is english so my mode of expression in hindi was#but now she surprises me with talking about things and noticing what escapes my attention#and i have to mock her say its not that deep#and i while speaking use too many shudh hindi words and then when she can't find a word i think before and give synonyms as well#and we both laugh#ive said this before ig
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i have to comfort myself that after the toughest times comes the best cause these past few days it’s been so awful, it’s like everyone’s out to get me and i’m just so tired of everything
#first my mom’s cousin’s wife died#then the neighbours said to not make sounds so i cant practice#then today i got a little sick#then i was hit in the face with the ball while with a small fever and almost cried#and now when i parked my car some woman said that it bothers her the way i do it cause she cant see (when the way is sooo wide) and#that if police came i’d pay a fine. or if someone would send a photo to police#god people please just give me a break#im so fucking tired pf everything#and i cant know if she will not actually take a picture of it#i thought such evil people only exist in america and big europe countries#im saying america cause when we were in usa some jerk really did call police about us??? wtf#havent i suffered enough#i need joy
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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight
#so really this is all your fault /lh /j#i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy#VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP#i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud#CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST#i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw#that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly#desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around#like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT#his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me#how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil#and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it#like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her#i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him#the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why#when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past#once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber#i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over#zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik#like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove#RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up#big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home#like i kind of feel bad for him in a way#but i feel bad for everyone#i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row#especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again
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you know at the end of the day today i was chatting w some other paras. i was a special ed para for a seventh grader today that's what i did. and the last block for them is just learning center and it's chill and it's friday and some of the kids were making pizza and no one was really doing anything or stressed or bothered so the kids and the adults just have various little shooting-the-breeze sessions although im usually not that active in these bc Im Shy, And A Substitute so i feel very out of place a lot of the time. but anyway i had never really talked much w either of the paras i was with today and we struck up a conversation about some stuff and one of them says to me "you know just so you know i LOVE your hair" and she turns to the other para and she's like "isnt it gorgeous? dont you love her hair?"
and i kinda blushed and said thank you a couple of times and looked down bc that's what i do when i receive a sincere-sounding compliment unexpectedly. and then i chatted a little more before i kinda drifted out of the conversation and opened my book and after a page or two one of them asked me about what i was reading (it's Song of the Cell: An Exploration of Medicine and the New Human by Siddhartha Mukherjee if you were wondering and i started it a few days ago). so i told them a bit about it and started chatting again on the topic of reading and i guess i was just naturally smiling and the same one who complimented my hair said "look at those dimples. i just can't w you"
#made me wanna cry a little. i was like thank u mom#felt beautiful at work. who do i tell this to?#tales from diana#i have never had my dimples complimented not to my memory at least#i kinda forget i have them bc i don't. i don't like. smile naturally and get a good view of them when i look in the mirror#i dont think they show up when i dont smile candidly either? unless im forced-smiling really hard#yeah idrk what they look like i guess#i received both of these compliments with a little bit of an 'oh shucks' (blushes) attitude#i have to say. it's not that i don't get complimented on my appearance. but most of the time it doesn't sound... don't wanna say 'sincere'#it doesn't feel like. FELT. as a compliment. a lot of the time#like sometimes it feels like courtesy. and other times. it feels like#someone will mention to me that im like young and pretty but theyll say it in a 'but im not impressed' tone which is really#odd bc. it's not like i asked?#it's like in a small way it's to 'put me in my place' or address some elephant in the room#like it's an annoyance to them rather than an expression of. you know. admiration#not that i need to be admired for my appearance but that's what i mean. like it felt nice#like a lot of the time ppl will tell me im pretty it sounds either like flattery or like some kind of weird anti-flattery#they're trying to give me a big head or they assume it's already big and they wanna deflate it#yeah that was nice tho. i talked w one of those paras for a pretty long time abt art and photography#she has a children's book coming out soon too and it sounded so interesting. i liked her a lot#i also like the kid i worked w today. i had been w her before but not in like 6 months. she's a sweetie
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hi Aidoneus!!
How are you as of recently?? Anything good you would like to share? A rose and a thorn maybe ? I’d love to hear!
Hello there, I am alright for the most part, just tired. A rose would be nearly being finished with all my midterms and papers, and a thorn would be being in the middle of a love triangle and my darling being in a bad situationship. But how are you? Well, I hope?
#your yandere#aidoneus asks#I am more concerned about the latter: she has been distant as of late and refuses to leave despite saying he is verbally abusive#She sounded so small when mentioning how his ill treatment of her probably was justified#It’s not- it never is#I said I'd kill him but she told me not to and that she still cares for the fucker when things are going well#I cannot help her if she doesn’t want it and I can’t force her to leave even though I wish I could#I don’t need her to care about me#Despite that I still would do anything and everything to take care of her if permitted#I just want to make sure she is okay
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#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again#it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof#is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head#my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the#middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up#like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles.#the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable#bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to#ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on#lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life#anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been#like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i#might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it#i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt#the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective#but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch.#itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work#but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops#not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy#ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day#ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time#ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea#of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i#get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism#ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes#unrelated
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