#she probably already thinks im trans ftm

[paradoxical-machine]

GUYS HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO AN 80 YEAR OLD WOMAN THAT I'M NONBINARY

[hibiscusseaart]

Had a dream today and I'm evolving it as I go here

The main idea that Rin didn't die when she tried to unalive herself by Kakashi's hand, but Obito was already traumatized and got in with Madara's Moon Eye plan. So yada-yada, she's the jinchuriki of Sanbi. BUT the difference was that she decided to come out of the closet (a real tight one cuz of her clan but she almost just DIED what to regret now) that she's actually a guy. So FTM Rin guys. Rin is he/him from now on.

He wouldn't change his personality and crush on Kakashi much. Dude is a medic, have you met medics? My extended family has a lot of medics in ER and other and let me tell you, they're ruthless and give 0 fucks.

Oh and since he's a medic he has top notch access to remove his own boobs and change his hormones fucking manually.

I think he would rethink his crush on Kakashi, like, man, he's a loser, plus it's hard to crush on someone who you thought killed you (even tho you made him) AND Kakashi has doomed love with 'dead' Obito and it's a bummer.

Idk about his name tho, he probably would change it just to, unknowingly, create more confusion for poor Obito, who is SURE that Rin is dead-dead and fucking Konoha didn't even made a grave for her and Kakashi doesn't even VISIT.

Madara and Zetsu obviously don't tell him about his development. They don't need him to have a hope in this world again.

Kakashi is just glad that he didn't kill his teammate and maybe they connect better since "Rin" (listen i NEED a name for him, but i have 0 ideas about meaning or what ever. maybe he'd take something to honor Obito's memory?) doesn't crush on him anymore and maybe he's trans too?? idk about it yet but he might act warmer to "Rin" now.

So Obito is just confused, like WHO is this dude from Nohara clan who is now with Kakashi ALL the time (they're still best friends). He doesn't connect that this brown haired (!) medic (!!) from Nohara clan (!!!) with the same marks (!!!) same age as them (!!!!!) might be Rin. like no, nope, Rin a nice gentle lady, not this smoking dude who yells at Kakashi and curses at him cuz he run away from hospital again.

So yeah Obito is just not impressed. But intrigued. And jealous. He stalks Kakashi AND this guy all the time. May develop a crush on both, cuz "Rin" is still the same at his core.

Kakashi would still go in ANBU cuz Minato asked him (still not sure about it, like yeah lets put deeply traumatized 13 yo in assasin squad good job) and stuff.

So idk how canon would go from there, like i doubt that Minato would let 14 yo jinchuriki near another one at this tense situation, even tho "Rin" could've help.

So yeah Kushiha and Minato die, "Rin" barely holds onto the Sanbi but Obito finds out that the guy is holding them. He doesn't connects the dots. Or he does? His mind just CAN'T hold on to the fact that his Rin MIGHT survived.

But maybe "Rin" was closer to the place where they sealed Kuubi in Naruto (maybe he ran there cuz there's Kuubi rampaging and he HAS to help) so Minato entrusted Naruto to him, not to fucking Sandaime.

So yeah, now "Rin" is Naruto's legal dad at the age of 14 and no one can fucking take him away cuz a) it was Minato's dying wish; and b) just fucking TRY to peer "Rin" away from Naruto, you'll get your hand bitten off and NO arguments work, cuz "Rin", who was trained by Kushina in jinchuriki stuff, can make some sort of turtle shield and he hides in it with his new baby and no one can do anything.

And no one can protect baby jinchuriki better than the other jinchuriki so it's fine. Everyone just accepts it.

(Isobu laughs at Kurama cuz haha im the older sibling now :))

Naruto is bullied less but I think no one can tell him about his parents cuz Sandaime sucks ass. But "Rin" drops HUGE hints cuz he hates Sandaime now too. Like no shit Tsunade left.

Idk what would happen with Obito if he finds out about "Rin's" identity. he'd come back crawling and crying probably. Maybe try to kidnap him and cry more in Kamui.

update: added sketch

[termagax]

YOOOO confession hour again? i think last time i talked about my weird thing with my straight friend im super physically close/cuddly with and how i kind of would totally have been down to fuck him but hes straight and has a girlfriend. WELL. (inhales deeply)

i ended up spending a weekend at his place so we could go to this weekend event together and i was sleeping in his bed w him and well i shant get into the details but we did end up having sex. like. three times. AND I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out why he actually did any of it bc i thought the sexual tension stuff was all in my head and i mean i Am trans (ftm) but ik he sees me the same as any of our other guy friends and he doesnt like dudes at all. overall it was driving me insane (plus flipped some weird horny switch in my brain) for like two weeks i swear.

anyway i spent this past saturday night at his place too and we kind of fucked again but like bcos of the time we had both had to think about the last time it was a lot more sort of immediate "whyyy did we do that" bcos both of us knew damn well it was a bad idea already. and now i just feel super weird about it lmao. i kind of am so super tempted to ask if he would be okay with a sort of FWB arrangement because while i do still view him purely platonically i am also very into him physically and. sex with him was really fucking nice LMAO but also i am 99% sure he wouldnt be cool with any sort of ongoing thing bcos of his current relationship. i mean im friends with his girlfriend too and i think she would understand the way its not like a romantic/emotional thing for me but also she probably still doesnt want one of her friends fucking her boyfriend. and i dont want to fuck up our friendship by letting him Know that i still think about fucking him all the time and would do it again no hesitation LOL. im just losing my fucking mind (in a gay and horny way) basically. anyway SORRY for the giant wall of text in your inbox but i needed to yell about this a little bit. what getting dicked down does to a mfer 😔

GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT. if you want my advice its better to talk about it and set expectations than just continually keep fucking (esp if his gf isnt in the know) and regretting it. seriously good luck though godspeed

[sapphicblight]

3, 13, 41, 49 and 50 please? Love your writing and would love to know more 💖💖💖

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

insecurity is a big one i’d say. it’s one of my favorite topics to read about in fics too so naturally it made its way into my writing. we’re not gonna look too deeply into how that relates to my own insecurities and journey into learning to love myself, shhhh. crying is also a theme too, because i want my characters to suffer but i also want them to be able to let it out, give them that release shdjfg

as for smut specific details, crying is once again a thing?? ok sure 😅 and overstimulation too, even in the v first smut i ever wrote (your body’s a tether), though the first time i properly went in on that was for eat bathe (make) love where the entire second and third chapter pete is just overstimulated to hell and back. sorry buddy sdbhf

also — im still learning how to write bdsm and kinda chickened out of realllly exploring it for my past fics, so i just kinda stuck to choking and spanking for most of my vp sex scenes, and in the case of intrinsically i actually kind of regret that (the spanking especially, in hindsight i just don’t think it fits the tone and what the characters would do / need right then) 

13. Are there any tropes you used to like but don’t anymore?

ooooh shit i actually rly need to think about this one. idk does abo count? shdnjfk i used to read it sort of almost accidentally, not really realizing what i was getting into with that till much later, back when i used to read a lot of sterek fanfiction (and some destiel too). very occasionally an author will do a lot of legwork with worldbuilding and sell me on it for that fic specifically, but in general i havent been into abo or mpreg themes (not counting a ftm trans character in that — the thing i dislike reading is mpreg that can’t occur irl) for a few years now.

i also used to be more into aus that had nothing to do w canon, like high school aus and (for stuff like merlin) modern aus, which is funny bc i wrote a college au and am now writing a historical au w luna, but i never said i wasn’t a hypocrite hdnjgh — but yeah nowadays i almost exclusively read canon-compliant, canon-divergent, or post-canon fics. i came here for these characters in this setting usually, so then that’s what i seek more of 🤷‍♀️

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.”

oooh there are MANY. there are some authors whose writing styles have my brain zooming with envy but mostly just so much appreciation and enjoyment. some of my very favorites tend to be angsty fics, and angst is just my go to vibe and genre to read, so while i have many favorites that are more happy or humorous, i'm going to specifically shout out two of the angstiest pete-centric ones that made my chest ache with emotion as i read them: milk teeth by constitutiondumpstat; and only the heart knows. by evashougouki (i still havent gotten around to their recent 20k words pete fic nothing. that i just know is going to break me so good. i rly need to get on that asap but consider this a pre-emptive shoutout to that for probably changing my brain chemistry once i read it as well)

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it! 

ohoho well for snippets of the prohibition au i recommend checking luna’s twitter or tumblr, she’s posted a few already! 

so instead i’ll post a slightly redacted snippet from the 4th chapter of my mobwife au (‘ultraviolet disguise’, a canon-divergent au where pete never got recruited as bodyguard but ends up caught up in mafia bullshit anyway when he starts dating a mafia don named ‘hwan’ who vegas has been trying to take down for a while now)

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about! 

hmmmm. i think i’ll take this opportunity to grab question 48 (What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?) and plug @lu-sn’s discotheque rouge which just got a second chapter that makes me want to live inside her specific brand of post-canon vegaspete 💕 

[cinnabunnii]

Casey (Ninjago) V2

(IK its closer to like version 15 at this point, but this is only the 2nd time ive posted ab his full info [ninjago ver] here so <3)

Fair warning for scars, mentions of mental illness and disorders, and the like <3 And oc x canon??? if ur fussy ab that??? idk

Casey first, bc he's my little man, my favourite scrunk.

Basic info includes: Casey Abel Tinniel 17 years old (averagely, does change w/lore and how i draw him) He/Him pronouns (feel free to use candy themed neos for him tho, kinda experimenting w/that) Trans-Masc, FTM. Half Oni, Half Human Canonically he has ADHD and BPD. (Feel free to hc him as autistic aswell idm, no other hcs tho pls lmAO, feel free to ask if he does XYZ in my askbox, but do not hc.) British/Japanese. He is 6'3 (tall man, love him, towers over so many), loves candy (any, even that chalky valentines candy stuff), he's left handed, constantly carries chapstick, and kinda needs glasses but rarely wears them (bc hes an arse). He has a dog!!! Leonberger/Great Pyrenees X called Mochi!!!! She's big and fluffyyy!!

He is an EM (Elemental Master), but like his element b kinda stupid but i love messing around with it. (Hes a fandom oc he wasnt made for realism nor to be canon SMH) And a ninja ofc bc what cringe baby's first ninjago oc (he wasnt my first im lying) isnt a ninja!!! Pink ninja go!!!

His element. is. Technology. and I do have basic mechanics written down for it, which i will paste from my notes rn: (Please ignore mentions of "Roni" i will get into that in another post if yall like him enough)

Not me actually thinking and noting down stuff ab Casey's element.

his machines don't need power (batteries, a plug, etc) he can power them himself with his element, but that's draining so he would still add another source of power, and because he already rarely uses his element he can only power small devices.

he's able to cut off power or turn off security systems. (Like just by touching control panels & stuff)

if he knows how to build smth (mechanical) he can just build it instantly, not needing to touch the materials (idk how to explain it? like he can float electronics but he cant hold them mid-air THEY HAVE to be added to Smth mechanical/technological)

is able to hack certain things without touching them, but mostly just does that to annoy Zane when he's younger (Lloyds command/prank) and rarely does it at all later on, leading him to barely be able to do it at alllll when it's needed (most of the time it isn't because of Jay, Nya and Zane having tech knowledge and jay being master of lighting).

Mostly he can just barely use it at all other than to control small devices/andriods because he's never needed to use it. (Up until Roni, which I'll not down stuff for later, might make it so that he's forced to make a few different Oni soldiers and then have his father mass produce them? Idk) probably will change a lot of stuff but these r just notes based on the few ways I thought of him using his element

Elemental notes over (i cant be bothered to edit them)

i was gonna make him a new reference sheet for this post, but instead u can have these: (older art i might've posted but forgor)

(yk that second to last one/the one in the bottom left? yeah ill go into that in another post <3)

i draw him happy to contrast his lore <3333 and the scars tbh, hes so covered in them that drawing him happy and ignoring them is kinda comforting?? idk haha The stories behind his scars r long af so like ill just put them down as "ninja accidents" and move on. His horns and tail r optional, as he's an oni obv smh (shapeshifty boy) I think thats all for him as a character?? He's just a happy silly boy (golden retriever to Lloyds golden cat fr i mean whaTT!!!???) Yeah. Biotech. Aka Lloyd Garmadon, himself, X Casey Abel Tinniel. They r my scrunks, my blorbs, and maybe even, my little guys. I dont have any updated art of them atm, but i promise u i will make some at some point ong!!!! They like to eat candies and stuff together & watch disney movies fr!!!! Casey likes to cook so he makes homemade mochis and stuff a lot n like ong<33333 way to lloyds heart is through candy and i will NOT hear otherwise!!!! Youngest ninja members gotta look out for each other (even if that means kissing sometimes SMH) Thats all for now i think yoooo!!!

[cynicjovial]

I had written this letter for twitter originally but here it comes here too, for pride or whatev

alright, i guess i have gathered my thoughts a bit, although not all of them so uh. It's pride month. And In the last couple of weeks or so, I'vebeen thinking a lot about myself, and I'm the opposite of Marina (I don't know at all what I want and who I want to be) but one thing I'm sure? Sort of? I know of it? Oh this is going dogshit already Well, I'm trans! Well.... I wasn't keeping it a secret. But I never used that word to describe me. I guess I was afraid? I always tip-toed around the fact that I wasn't cis, but for some reason, I didnt want to tell myself. But hell, if someone asks you if you're cis and your first response is not "yeah" but "hmmmm mmwell hmmm i guess hmm kinda hmm i mean..." youre probably not! So yeah. I just want to say it clear and loud. I don't know if I will identify with the word trans or another one in the future, but it's time i look at myself in the mirror and say Girl, you are Definetly Not Cis. Like, at all.

Truth is, I've been suffering from dysphoria since I was in middle school. And I knew I was into women and not into men (at least cishetmen) since elementary school. But as some of you know, I never let myself explore my feelings. I came to my sexuality when I was 19. I bottled everything. I don't think it was fear at first.. But since I was 15, I had body disphoria, and no matter how much I was attracted by my body, I could tell something was off. And at around 21 I started bottling these feelings for real. This time I was really afraid. I was afraid of being transmasc? Why? I honestly don't know, this bitch is stupid. I would dread the moment thinking that id have to come out as transmasc despite me not wanting to being one, you know, something cis girls think a lot of the time. And cis girls also do a lot of google researches about ftm surgeries and hormones in the incognito tab. So yeah. I'm sitting here. I'm not really sure how I feel, but I don't feel like an absolute.

Will this be temporary? Maybe? Is this what feels better? Well, a bit better than before, so it's a step forward From now, I'll think of myself as a Bigender Lesbian. I accidentally clicked both gender buttons at the same time so now my gender took a fucking screenshot. My attraction has always been beyond the simple "woman" (quoting a trumblr post,  "“non-binary” means a thousand different things to a thousand different people and therefore anyone of any sexuality could theoretically be attracted to a non-binary person in some capacity.") but I expressed that already in the past, so i guess the new part here is just about the gender I still use she/them as pronoums for now, and I'm currently researching if I fit the criteria to ask for free T therapy (im kinda afraid to give my doctor more than one task at the time, since its more than a year that i want to be tested for autism and i don't want to disrupt that) But yeah. uuh.. I think I said everything I wanted to. Hi

[sugrbugz]

their reaction to you coming out as trans!! : BOKUTO, KENMA, AKAASHI, OIKAWA, TSUKKI, & ASAHI ♥︎

CW: this covers topics such as gender dysphoria, transphobia, and ignorant parents. please be safe my loves!!

transphobes get the fuck outta here right now

also i’m ftm myself so i’m writing from my own experience! if you want a non binary one or even mtf let me know! ♥︎

BOKUTO

would be so very excited to go clothing shopping with you but also giving you all of his hoodies in the mean time-

would love to show you off as his official boyfriend, would fight transphobic people for you

“hey bo, can we talk?” you asked softly, only causing him to open his arms wide from where he was sitting on your bed. you crawled into his lap like you always did, your hands shaking a bit when your wrapped your arms around his neck. “what’s up little owl!” he smiled wide, flashing you that beautiful smile of his. “it’s sorta serious love..” you mumbled making his smile fall only a bit, it falling completely when you started crying. “lovebug? what’s wrong..you can talk to me baby” he soothed making you nod. “i know we’ve talked about your preferences before and i don’t know where i fall but-“ you hiccuped, trying to figure out how to say it. “i’m transgender..i want to be a boy” you sobbed out, ultimately terrified he’d leave even though you knew he wouldn’t. “no..” he started making you cry only harder, not even three seconds later were calloused fingers there to wipe them, “you are a boy..not want, right baby?” he smiled softly, kissing your nose.

KENMA

his emotions would hurt him first only because he wouldn’t fully understand why you’re so upset

best hair stylist in the game!! he’d do your hair so you don’t have to deal with judgemental old ladies and weird barbers.

would 100000000/10 drop anything hes doing to snuggle you since he knows how much of a bitch dysphoria can be

it actually happened by accident. currently you were in the bathroom, shaky hands on a pair of scissors you’d found in the kitchen. it was one of those moments. you weren’t officially out to anybody, not even your boyfriend just simply out of fear of being disliked. however when kenma came to use the bathroom after doing a five hour livestream her heart almost shattered right then and there. you were too into your head to even notice his presence, snapping back to reality when he took the scissors from you. that’s when the tears started. he was quickly to pull you close, kissing your head. “i think i understand..but if i don’t, please explain..” he whispered softly into your ear. “i-i..” you stuttered, you didn’t even know how to say it. “i’ve been dealing with my gender for awhile and came to the conclusion that im a boy..” you sniff, snuggling into his chest since the comfort felt good. “okay baby, you’re still mine okay?” he spoke so soft it was reassuring. “but come to me instead of butchering your hair, you know damn well i could cut it better. dork.” he winked sitting you down to actually cut your hair properly.

AKAASHI

wasn’t totally surprised even though he is oblivious to most things

he would be so sweet about it??????? he wouldn’t even question you???? just accepting right away

after you were ready to come out? god he would be so overbearing with how supportive he was. “hey have you seen my BOYFRIEND?” or “are you doing okay, pretty boy?” he would do it all the time

he already knew. you’d asked him to pack your laptop in your book bag since you guys were going to study at the library. he usually didn’t snoop and honestly minded his business, but when he saw what he thought was a dildo his curiosity was peaked. you had millions of tabs open, all pertaining to the concept of gender identity. his heart softened sadly, upset by the fact you did this all alone. you came up to check what was taking him so long, face dropping when you saw what was open, “i-i promise i can explain-!” you rush forward but he quickly wraps two arms around you, kissing you softly. “shush. you don’t need to explain.” he smiled, “your preferred name and pronouns my darling?” he hummed in addition, grinning from the blush on your cheeks. “uhm..y/n..and he/him..please..” you whisper making him nod, “i’ve got the cutest boyfriend every yanno that?”

OIKAWA

would make fun of you for a bit until he realized this was actually serious

he would also apologize profusely for doing so.

would go out and buy you 67963334 slacks just to see you in them i know it

“tooru i’m serious!” you’d whimper, genuine tears pricking at the corner of your eyes. that’s when he knew he took it too far. “hey..i was just joking around…does me calling you girlie actually make you uncomfortable? why?” he was confused but then again you couldn’t blame them. you’d told iwa you were trans, hoping to get someway to tell oikawa but there wasn’t much acknowledgment of him at all. “yes..it does” you nodded wiping your eyes. “is it because you’re trans?” all the air in your lungs was knocked out of you at this. “how did you..” you’d ask softly, “i dunno! i’m just really good at this!” he giggled before kissing your head and getting off the couch you two were on. “one minute!” he ran upstairs and about five minutes later came back with all his old clothes he outgrew. “here! ‘ma saved them for donating to relatives but your more important” he hummed making you blush, “tooru you don’t-“ “and what’s your pants size?” “uh-i-“ “it’s okay doesn’t matter we’ll get all of them.” “ALL OF WHAT.” and that’s honestly how the rest of your night went.

TSUKKI

he wasn’t totally surprised but then again he knew how your parents were and would understand your hesitation for coming out

it didn’t really phase him at all. have you seen his gender nonconforming best friend? tsukki wouldn’t care unless you were authentically yourself.

would always give you reassurance, no matter how much you needed.

you’d come to your boyfriends house for the third night this week, his mom more than happy to let you stay. “he’s upstairs!” she’d smile from where she was making dinner. you already knew where to find his room, so coming inside and throwing your bags down casually wasn’t an issue at all. “y/n how many times do i have to tell your messy ass that you don’t put bags in the middle of the-“ he spun in his desk chair to look at you, his face falling the second he saw your face go red and tears streaming down your face. tsukki fucking SUCKED with emotions but he wouldn’t be pathetic and not try. “cmere moonie, what’s wrong” he frowned getting up and sitting on the bed, pulling you down with him. “i told them” you stated simply, his own anxiety kicked in. “and?” he asked, already knowing the answer. “they kicked me out.” you nodded towards the fourish bags you had dropped. “well..fuck them. here you’ll be loved and respected. they don’t deserve you. no one does. now, ill ask mom if we can move in the old dresser from akiterus room..you make yourself comfy. change, take of makeup, whatever it is. here? you’re allowed to be who you are.” and with that he was gone. tsukki may look like an asshole but he tries his best not to be for you.

ASAHI

wouldn’t initially get it, but it would take some explaining and he’d be absolutely on board

would probably smoother you in love and affection for being brave enough to tell him how you’ve been feeling

similar to akaashi he’d be quick to correct those who use incorrect pronouns (unless you tell him not too) while expressing love for his boyfriend

dating asahi had plenty of benefits, most importantly his ability to scare those off who were rude to you. you had come out to him a week ago, he needed some help understanding the process but soon he was very on board and understanding. now you two were eating lunch with noya and tanaka, watching a group of girls who ever now and then looked back at you to laugh and point. you’d just gotten your gender affirming hair cut the night before. you began to feel very self conscious about everything, just slowly tucking yourself into asahi who immediately realized something was wrong. “what’s up babe?” he asked watching you nod towards the group. with that he gently passed you over to noya who was very excited for the hugs he was allowed to give his close friend. needless to say asahi scared the living hell out of those girls. when all was said and done, he took you to the boys bathroom and locked the door. he simply hugged you, rubbing your back while you almost immediately cried. “it’s okay bunny..i’m sorry people can’t mind their own business-not that it’s my fault-i dunno why i apologized-sorry-i-“ he took a deep breath but his nervous rambling had made you giggle. “thank you, you giant teddy bear” you smiled leaning up to give him a nice soft kiss.

[vampelune]

hajime headcanons

i wrote these out for a cc anon but i wanna post em all in one place here

he has freckles and tans easy  

i like trans ftm hajime . though i flip flop between cis hajime and trans hajime in my works haha. i rlly love him as trans tho.  

he knows how to skateboard HAHA its one of the hobbies he still participates in at times. you would never guess by looking at him, though.  

if he didn't get into hopes peak i swear on my life this dude wouldve been the business major in college who just picked that because he doesn't know what to do with his life & its the Default major for mfs who have no goals  

he probably has lots of random knowledge about various hobbies and skills because he's tried to do so many and find his "talent", like knowing one or two songs on several instruments, knowing how to repair various utilities. he probably jumped through electives and clubs in middle school & high school. so i think hajime on his own would be a slight jack of all trades, master of none. But then he gets izuru'd and he really is a master of all trades.

as is canon he's one of those kids that fades into the background, so i bet he didn't have much of a social life. he seems like an overachiever kid, too, so he probably spent more time working and trying to find his talent than he did socializing. he probably only had unmemorable friends throughout school that didn't stick. though he does attract the attention of the sdr2 kids pretty hard, he probably had a LOT of friends. just people who came to him for help on studying, projects, etc, whatever. gets invited to some parties just because everyone kinda knows him, vaguely, and probably owes him for some help. but no close friends, no girlfriend or boyfriend. he'd be really inexperienced with close relationships by the time he meets the other sdr2 kids.  

i actually like the idea that he hung out with sato & natsumi, you know, before all of that went under. i think in a non-despair au they could've been a good friend group.  

really cookie cutter family. both parents working office jobs. he's emotionally detached from his family. loves them, but, there just never was the time or that big of an effort made on anyone's part to become really tight knit. he still has fond memories of his childhood, though.  

kusamochi is his favorite food because it's traditionally eaten on new years. it's also one of the first foods he ever learned how to cook, with his extended family on new years. when he was younger, they would have gatherings with all extended family every new years, especially because it was hajime's birthday. but as he got older those happened less and less, and now, after everything, he still makes himself kusamochi every new years.  

chiaki was his first real crush, but it was unrequited. since she was also kinda his first real friend, it was hard to differentiate between friend love and genuine crush. he knows now after everything it was probably the former, but he still loved her immensely, most than most things. even when she wasn't the best, or couldn't help him like he needed.  

i think if he had a pet he would have a cat. a childhood cat he grew up with and passed away when he was in his teens, hasn't gotten a new one since because he's too focused on school & with his hopes peak workload, and his busy parents, there just wouldn't be time for caring for a pet. and i bet he would've named his cat mochi when he was little, because he liked kusamochi so much <33 sobs  

post-dr3 hajime doesn't completely effortlessly use his talents, and with a lot of them, he needs to concentrate and think hard to focus and apply them. some things are reflexive, but others are more dormant. because of this, he can still get distracted and screw things up. when he does start using his talents, though, he goes more on the "izuru" side of his personality, very intense, a little scary from an outside perspective, and more cold and calculating.  

he has days that are more izuru than others, since they're both him now, in essence. and because that's just, irreparable damage done onto your brain, he can have mood swings, bad days, even weeks, where he's much more cold and unfeeling. in these states, though, he tends to just work himself into a hole because it's all he can do, since that sense of "boredom" comes back on days like these. (like anhedonia, in depression. there's just some days like that, you know?) and the only one capable of helping him through these states is komaeda. (sorry, im slipping in my komahina agenda)  

i kinda have a guilty pleasure for the headcanon that he grew taller from all the drugs and surgery they put him on during the project, especially because he was 18? so he still had room to grow taller. he's 5'10 in the nwp so i think 6'0 izuru/post-game hajime is, kinda hot. Though if you go by his localization height (5'8) then just put him right back up to 5'10 LOL  

for the trans agenda, the reason he dislikes sakuramochi so much is because it's a treat typically eaten on "girls' day" in japan, and he always hated that day.  

this isn't a headcanon. more of an observation, really. but i really dont like calling hajime "tsundere" because he doesn't fit that mold at all. he's dense & just comes off as blunt and rude, plus he's easily irritable. this isn't a tsundere trait, he isn't purposefully mean to hide his feelings for someone. he's just confused and doesn't even understand his own feelings most of the time, especially when it's a complex relationship like with nagito.   if anything, hopes peak or ch4 nagito is more of a tsundere haha cuz he purposely is mean to hajime & talks down to him to hide his own feelings that is already aware of, because he's trying to force himself to stop caring after learning hes a talentless nobody & fell to despair.

[37q]

do you see positives in the ways transmascs have already dabbled in doing that? like with the playing in the concept of transandrophobia or transmisandry?

firstable i wanna say im kinda on the fence about the idea of transandrophobia and transmisandry, for a few reasons, two of which ill explain here

one is that transmisogyny as a portmanteau is primarily a union of transphobia and misogyny which reconstitutes as uniquely targeted or vitriolic oppression. this is taking both of those axes as a given, whereas i do not take misandry / androphobia as a given. you could potentially say that it becomes real when its used as a portmanteau itself, though if it only exists co-dependently, according to the Buddha its empty of any independent or innate value of its own. you could say its transness that focuses on the maleness, or the fallacious pre-maleness or post-femaleness, or the failed male or failed female, but that simply wouldnt be true because those are all ways that transmisogyny is used. you could say that its about the specific transition direction -- "FtM" if youre into that -- which allows for a little more freedom to talk about things such as transmasc & trans men's reproductive rights, however thats merely getting caught in the crossfire of a cissexist conversation thats ultimately about the constraint of womens autonomy, bodily, politically, and economically.

two is an emphasis on the fact that the portmanteau of oppressions is not only a union but a uniquely intense and targeting one at that. i take issue with the fact that trans men and transmascs are implying that their targeting is as unique and intense as, or even a peer to, transmisogyny. not because trans women have the oppression olympics imperative, but just because of the content of the conversation. "the trans social contagion as administered by TIM predators is overriding peoples critical thinking skills so they cant possibly consent" is actually normal transphobia but making trans women the demons instead of addicts or sex workers. trans women experience this, we have our rights to give consent taken away because were deemed mentally unfit, so logically it is not unique to transmascs or trans men. meanwhile, because we are the demons, rapists, and predators here, we face most of the in-your-face violence as well, ranging from incarceration to daylight assault & murder, so logically transmascs and trans men do not experience something more targeted or intense than we do.

secondable i do think that, independent of making the conversation a re-centering of womens own, there is merit to what they say because they are stating facts. JKR is using trans women to target trans men, and thats facts. the specter of the predator, whether hes an immigrant or a white failed-male, is causing reactionary women to cling more and more to their misconstrued gender class, which can only be saved if we realized were in this together and WHY (something about chromosomes probably). not only is it a predator, its also a specter, the politically correct regime that wont even let a victim identify their attacker (as an immigrant, or as a "male"). JKRs terrified of that, like genuinely, shes terrified of not knowing what you are, or people HIDING what they are. the deceptive interlopers! the failed experiment! the trans woman!

my general pithy response to "is transandrophobia / transmisandry real?" is "only if its not normal transphobia". if you can find some examples of transandrophobia that dont boil down to your run-of-the-mill cissexism or "brainwashing" then let me know, but as of right now i dont know what new information a lens of transadrophobia-critique brings to the conversation that cant be obtained in a general trans lens.

[bitch-in-a-bag]

can we talk about how the LGBT movement has changed in the past 15 years?

in the light of the events surrounding Chris chan, and people prioritizing pronouns over the rape of a woman with dementia, I think it displays just how... different things are.

i personally feel like it's been co-opted by the more loud and entitled mtfs/ males/penis-havers/whatever pc term exists for the XY chromosome'd, who go too far and aren't reasonably kept in check. I think terf no longer has meaning anymore because it's just become a word we use to silence anyone that disagrees with a trans woman. immediately you're going to call me a terf, I accept that, but please continue reading. I may suprise you. calling someone who's transgender a terf is kinda messed up anyway, and that's exactly why im writing this.

I also think that everyone else (allies, ftms, etc) have followed suit because they've written this messed up narrative that EvErYoNe iS VaLiD. except for trans penis-havers, bc they're the most oppressed and the most valid, actually, regardless of their experiences.

I never used to believe the above because it was always written off as terf shit, and ignoring it kinda benefitted me, but between seeing ftms getting bashed for refusing to follow new "TME" rules as if they aren't trans too, and seeing outrage around Chris chans pronouns, I think it's time to start saying things that may make people uncomfortable. innocent people are already getting hurt by this, and we need to do better. it's time to get uncomfortable.

I want to remind you that perception is both the relying factor, and also the downfall of newer lgbt theory. if my profile were mtf coded, maybe it currently is, you'd call me a self hating trans and I wouldn't be that big of a deal. terfs would probably target me.

if my profile was ftm coded, I would be absolutely skewered for daring to speak out about these issues, even though they do actually affect ftms disproportionately. terfs would try to convince me that being trans is a plague and a mental illness, and to just ~be a cis woman~!

and if assumed cis, I would 100% be assumed radfem terf, and everything I say would immediately be dismissed because of the genuine damage terfs have done. but terfs would still probably flock to this post and berate me for daring to validate trans people At All, because to them, being transgender is a mental illness akin to an eating disorder, and "giving in" to it is "self harm". clearly I don't believe that, so hopefully you'll give me at least some benefit of the doubt.

so, does my identity matter? i have a feeling you'll say yes, because it gives us a good idea of experiences I do and don't have expertise in, and thus room to talk about. but I refuse to directly identify what I actually am because I want the focus of any resulting conversation to be my message and not my self identification. if you read between the lines and figure it out that's just fine, but I would like to be heard first and foremost.

my profile is thus an attempt at being cis female coded, somewhat out of comfort, and that is likely what I'll be assumed to be due to the beliefs I am expressing, even though there is a substantial risk of getting misgendered and dismissed, no matter what my birth sex may actually be. i will give you a hint about my identity: I am transgender, on HRT and everything, and I have been personally affected by all of this. rest assured, this is well within my lane to speak about, and it does matter if you misgender me.

I want you to really think about that. before you respond, really think about if someone saying words on tumblr, talking about their OWN experiences and their take on recent history that applies to themself, really more worthy of being misgendered and harassed than... someone who said they transitioned so they could date lesbians, and then raped their own mother with dementia.

is that fair or just? or is this just a new way of letting people with penises do whatever they want? I personally think it's the latter. we need to hold people like Chris chan accountable without getting caught up on something as minor **in comparison** as misgendering and self identification. Is it sad and confusing that someone who self IDs as transgender became 1:1 with the most dangerous stereotypes that exist for trans women? Of course it is. But it doesn't mean that self identification is suddenly more important than a literal crime being committed.

I would normally dismiss it as a fluke or outright trolling if the evidence weren't so damning that this is in fact a real event that happened. If I hadn't seen this happen to other people, and if I didn't literally know another mtf person who used their dysphoria as an excuse for date rape on multiple occasions and never got any consequences for it.

It's not a one time thing, it's a developing problem that we need to stop before more people have their lives ruined. I can't even imagine how traumatizing and messed up it is for an FTM person to be date raped, by another transgender person no less. When I, an abuse survivor, told people of this MTFs red flags, people violently silenced me. People who didn't know I was trans called me a terf and transphobic. We, as a community, could've protected someone from getting date raped, and we didn't. Trans women can be awful, horrible fucking people, because they are people. Protecting them at all costs is wrong. Protecting them from transphobia is what we should be doing.

That being said, misgendering is still skeevy, and I haven't done anything like raped a disabled woman who is no longer able to consent, or date raped my own partner. if you give a shit about respecting my identity, please use they/them for me. if not, use visual perception and make assumptions that will most likely be incorrect, skew your own argument, and put me on the same level as a rapist, and arguably a fetishist. And I do need to remind you that calling someone transgender a rapist and a fetishist without evidence is still definitely classic transphobia, to the letter, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that.

as someone who is same sex attracted, I also want to bring this up as well.

in the US in the past 15 years, the movement as a whole pretty much went "YEAH BORN THIS WAY" with Lady Gaga, and then jumped ship to prioritize mostly mtfs at every angle. do mtfs need support? absolutely. but they don't need misguided toxic positivity, and that's what it's turned into.

it's gotten genuinely homophobic to the point where actually homosexual people are constantly being erased and demonized via "genital preferences are a fetish uwu", and vulva havers, especially the trans ones, are constantly being told to shut up about their experiences.

as much as you want to deny bioessentialism, its still very much well and alive with newer trans movement sentiments when we classify ftms as not worthy of speaking about their own issues with terms like "TME". it's also incredibly ignorant towards FTMs who pass, but dress feminine for comfort, and get mistaken for MTF, and treated like garbage because of it. They are not remotely exempt from misogyny, transphobia, or the intersection of the two, and it is not anyone's job to tell them they don't ever experience that when they do. Turning ftms and biological homosexuals into our enemies-- especially when the actual cause is transphobia and harmful gender stereotypes-- does nothing good or healthy for our movement.

Dont be mistaken, though, passing isn't the focus or end all be all here, it's the perception of others that ends up drastically effecting your experiences. There are words like misogyny that imply treatment via birth sex, however this too can be reliant on external perception. If an MTF individual either transitions very young, has an abundance of resources to transition, or just gets lucky and passes well, chances are she will experience a lot more misogyny than people may give credit to. inversely, someone who just started questioning yesterday, but lived as a male their whole life up until then, they genuinely cannot speak about misogyny with that much room because they simply haven't experienced it at an accurate enough angle or for enough time to understand it as a repeated and sociological force.

It works the other way as well, though; someone who's known that they're trans for a long time and haven't had the resources to transition, or do not or cannot pass in the eyes of society; these people suffer pain that we don't neccesarily have a word for yet, imo. It makes dysphoria worse and it makes living seem hopeless. And as a community, we deal with this is in a really messed up way by over-validating them instead of solving the core issue at hand. and people who suffer from this, but also acknowledge they can't claim what they haven't experienced, are left with nowhere to go.

And its important to acknowledge these things because they're integral to the over-encompassing trans experience. Instead of lying to everyone and telling everyone they pass/giving out unconditional positive regard, our focus should be making it so that it **doesn't matter if you pass**. that you're still worth respect and dignity if you're transgender, no matter what passing is or what it means to you, and no matter how you present. But also, if you do something awful, you still need to be held accountable, especially if you use yourself, your body, or your trans status to contribute to other axi of oppression.

Transphobia is a word that encompasses and addresses all of that, regardless of birth sex. "TME" shuts that down in favor of only letting MTF's speak. Which is still very bio-essentialist, and I can't help but feel like we've gone full circle.

Once upon a time you couldn't even get married if your partner had the same genitals as you. in the US, this was less than 7 years ago. and if you care about human rights activism, you know damn well that legal modification is not the end all be all. people who are genuinely homosexual are still oppressed, but the trans movement has started stepping on them to make ground we don't deserve. homosexuals are ok and valid. it's not a genital preference, and the prescence of trans people doesn't make conversion therapy sentiments ok, ever.

we've gone full circle, and it's not right.

[freshouttaparsnips]

You were a simple kind of guy.

Life decided you deserved a little bit of complexity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a new series of fic that im gonna work on in my spare time!! its a skeletoncest polycule, but with an added reader twist uwu

tags: Reverse Harem, polycule, Poly of Skeletons, Fontcest, Papcest, Sanscest, but there's also a reader, Slice of Life, no real plot, Tropes Babey, Series, Homelessness, Reader is homeless, Reader has a dog, Reader is FtM, reader is unnamed

read it Ao3

or read chapter 1: Meeting the Horror Fellas below!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were a simple kind of guy. Sure, you hadn’t meant to make this move over to the Ebbott region, it was actually on the end of the long list of places you wanted to move. But that was where your job had moved you, so that’s where you’d picked up and gone, both you and your boxer pup, Peony. She hadn’t actually minded much; there were lots of dog parks here for her to hang out in, long stretches of sidewalks just around your apartment that definitely went on just long enough for her to get the need to GO out of her system. Your job was cushy, paid enough for you to splurge a little on the weekends, for you and Peony both.

You appreciated the finer sides of living just under a mountain… at least until said mountain damn near exploded and “Monsterkind” came through.

Now, that was not to say you had anything against monsters. Not in the slightest! You weren’t from around here, you understood a little of the general bias that people had against anything new.

But when the monsters had started entering the work force, well. People on the semi-lower rungs like you? Booted to the curb without a second thought in the name of equality. You’d lost your apartment, and Peony and you had been living in your squat little Ford ever since. It was rough, but you’d been saving up to rent a trailer on the outskirts of town for a few months, and your acceptance of monsters had remained, if not hardened a little.

You weren't going to blame them for needing the essentials of living, just the same as everyone else.

Which led to where you were now, warily watching a couple of more rough looking monsters that were chatting up the tiny, blond lady that worked the front counter of the store you’d finally gotten a job at. Peony had been adopted by the owners of the store as a guard dog, the little old couple chattering on and on about how cute she was. It just meant that you were allowed to keep her with you when you were on duty, a little vest velcro’d around her with the name and logo of the store on it.

You were stocking shelves, Peony keeping an eye on the situation just like you were. The two monsters were clearly from a Fellgrounds, a few other mountains nearby that had also opened up to reveal some monster societies that had gone a little sideways. Most of them had scars, war wounds, and generally had a distrust for other people.

You felt for these monsters more than others; they had to go through extensive testing and rehabilitation to even leave their Underground, though a lot of them had passed those tests if the local news was anything to believe. You weren’t really sure what to believe much these days, but you knew that Polly up at the cash register was trans and had already dealt with a few assholes today. Monster or human, you weren’t letting it slide.

Before you could even set down your can to head up, just to make absolutely certain nothing untoward was going on, a shadow passed over you, the lights above flickering in uneasy patterns as you stood stock still. The tallest monster you’d ever seen in person was passing through the next aisle over, their skeletal head nearly scraping the ceiling as they moved silently towards Polly. Something inside of you was terrified at the sheer display of power, the intent of magic thick in the air, but even you with your limited knowledge could tell it wasn’t directed towards her.

The two monsters were staring right at him, your own eyes locked on his lanky form as he made his way silently to the very front and tilted his head. “Evening friends, are you having issues with the cash register working your cards? I had such an issue the other day, I can help walk you through the process.”

There was nothing but primal fear in their eyes as the two monsters meekly shook their heads, jerking a thumb towards the door as they left, citing their sudden need to be elsewhere. The skeleton watched them go with something like satisfaction in his eyes, and it wasn’t until then that you noticed his outfit.

A bright pink and green tracksuit covered him from neck to ankles, and a bright peach exercise band around his head that said “JOG BOY” on it. Something about it made you relax a little from the tense state you’d been in, your hands setting the cans they’d been tightly holding on their respective shelves.

It was then that you noticed that the intent from earlier was gone, and good lord, was all that just from this dude? You watched as he leaned down to see Polly better, his expression one of humble kindness. She seemed to know him, looking relieved, and you couldn’t hear their full conversation so you figured you’d ask her later just what that was all about… and if you needed to take on more shifts to make sure that people, human and monster both, weren’t harassing the workers.

You’d grown to love working at this store, what with the inclusive policies and the fact that they let Peony stay with you on shift, and you weren’t going to see anyone or anything take advantage of it.

Just as you’d turned back to your work, though, momentary worry about your coworkers abated, that intent came back, only this time it felt cold. The skeleton up front’s warning had been hot, blistering to the mind, a sheer warning of pain.

This one felt like someone had dunked you in an ice bath and was threatening to leave you that way.

“You okay there, pal? Yer looking a little white around the edges.”

The voice came from just behind, your eyes squeezing shut before you turned around and glared hard at whatever asshole was trying to start shit… only to find yourself looking at the chest of another really big monster. He was also a skeleton, but he was shorter by a few feet (even as he towered over you). He was dressed more modestly, what with a simple ratty blue jacket and a pair of gray basketball shorts, but he was wearing a small pink bracelet around his wrist. Before you could even try to guess what it meant, he was leaning toward you a little.

“Hey, you okay? Seriously, I didn’t think Paps’ magic was that strong- well. Naw, that’s a lie, it is that strong.”

You blinked, still staring up at him, when suddenly you were grasped between two boney hands, lifted up and up until you were looking into the hollow eyes of the first skeleton… Paps?

“Oh, my dear human, I haven’t broken you, have I? I can admit my intent can come off a bit… excuse the pun, but intense, to those who aren’t used to our magic signature.” Then he was squinting at you, somehow, and you felt as though your very soul was being examined. You could smell the very subtle hint of some kind of fruity cologne, which made you want to laugh hysterically; what skeleton needed to wear perfume?

“He’s probably fine, Paps. We need’a get back before Red takes off.”

“Paps” rolled his eyes, gently depositing you back on the floor where Peony was severely sniffing all over you as if looking for damage, before nodding.

“Yes, I suppose you’re correct. Human!!”

You stood at attention and he laughed, handing you a little, lime colored business card. You took it with questioning hands, peering down at it as he explained.

“This is my phone number. Please text whenever you have time and would like to have lunch, I wish to apologize for putting you through such shock.”

And with that he pat you on the shoulder, seeming not to notice as you buckled a little under the weight and headed for the front doors, the other, shorter skeleton following along behind with a snicker.

You blinked hard, before collapsing to your ass on the floor, Peony licking your face vigorously once she’d found no signs of injury. You patted her gently both to assure her and to keep her out of your face, but stared down at the card, a simple number on it from the local area.

~THE PHONE NUMBER OF THE GREAT ICHOR!~

You blinked back the tears that had been growing, of both frustration and mild fear, and huffed in pain as you made yourself get up off the floor. Polly would be worried about you, and you really needed to finish stacking these cans.

[discyours]

(1) when me and my wife met we were both ftm (not transitioned) but shortly after starting dating realized we were lesbians and "cis" (not really but ya) and i became heavily radpilled, my wife knows this and is fine with it,doesnt agree with all of it tho. fast forward 2 years to now and my wife thinks she repressed being trans and wants to transition. im.. fine with that in theory but i dont think i would be attracted to her if she went on T (cont 2)

(2) or had top surgery. my problem is that i dont want to be the reason she doesnt pursue transition and i dont know how to address any of this without my side coming off as manipulative or guilt trippy. like i cant just say “ill divorce you if you medically transition” but im afraid that is the case. i wanted to hear your advice/opinion since ur a trans guy lesbian/homosexual whos not med transitioned. (cont 3)

(3) btw shes fine with me using she/her for her. i feel like im just stuck in a weird place bc i dont want to hold her back on this, but i unwillingly would be if i told her. is it worse to not bring it up at all? timeline wise itd probably be 1 or 2 years before anything would get started. sorry for the long ask and hopefully it made some sense (fin)

It’s a complicated situation for sure and I definitely don’t have all the answers. 

I think this needs to be a conversation rather than an announcement. Don’t rush it because she does need some time to figure out what transitioning would mean for her without taking into account what it’s gonna mean to anyone else (however selfish that sounds, ultimately transitioning is an extremely personal thing). But eventually, you can have a conversation about what it’d mean for you as a couple. This doesn’t have to be a one-sided thing; transitioning is likely going to change the way she feels towards you as well. Going on T heavily affects your sex drive and being socially perceived as male rather than female may change the way she looks at your relationship too. She’s said she’s okay with you using she/her for her, is that going to stay the same when she’s on T? Is she still going to be comfortable with you referring to yourself as a lesbian? Or to her as your wife? 

The best way I could think of handling this would be to make it clear to her that you just have questions about how her transition is going to affect your relationship. Now I don’t know your wife, I don’t know how much you’ve already talked about this and I also don’t know how much she values bluntness. But I could imagine it being a whole lot less harmful to frame this as something about how you work together as partners rather than just being about your personal attraction (which is absolutely important too, don’t get me wrong). 

I’m sorry that I don’t have a better answer for you, if anyone else wants to butt in with more/better advice please do. 

[onegay-and-a-bi]

transguy alex alvarez au

since im like halfway done with a transgirl alex au fic, i thought i would try my hand at a bullet point idea/fic with ftm alex au

so, lets go semi-chronologically here

(keep in mind i am afab nb, and not a transguy, so if i fuck up majorly lmk)

when alex is Smol, i think lydia would very much put emphasis on femininity like she originally does with elena

and tbh, alex is actually a somewhat feminine guy 

but even as a kid, he starts insisting that he’s not a girl

which no one is really prepared for

penelope and lydia originally think five-ish years old alex is going through a phase, like a lot of parents do tbh

victor is generally pretty pissed off about it, and since he’s not sober it’s a tense/dare i say dangerous situation for alex

penelope starts looking up stuff, etc, and when she realized maybe this isn’t a phase, and is willing to try to convince lydia/victor to let alex socially transition it leads to victor getting the hell out a little sooner than canon, i’d imagine

in this au, alex’s relationship with his dad is just as shitty, if not worse, than elena’s

So Yeah

victor’s out of the picture, and that leaves penelope managing to convince lydia to let alex be alex

and they notice: he’s instantly so much happier

even at five, he had been unhappy living as a girl 

they choose his name together (but mostly alex) and he manages to start elementary school with no one the wiser bc in this au we do not have as much angst as there could be

believe me, im sure there’s an au where alex doesn’t come out as a trans guy until after elena does, but that’s for another day

elena easily accepts it and is pretty good at rolling with the situation

anyways the years pass, and alex is generally happy with his life tbh

he loves that his nickname is “papito” and that pretty much his entire family is accepting

elena probably comes out much sooner bc she has seen just how much support alex has gotten

schneider probably pays for hormone blockers bc he’s cool like that

they all go to pride once the kids get old enough, elena proudly wearing the rainbow and a gay flag like a cape

alex sporting trans and bi merch

everyone is happy (and victor eventually comes around)

tldr: someone write this

or i might even though ive already written/am writing alex content bc there is not enough that is alex centric ok

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[opulentneptune]

yo Dayne! just a quick question, do you ever feel shitty when playing with people and they call you a girl even if you're gender neutral? I'm ftm trans and i hate talking on team speak because they're always like "woah it's a girl!!!!" like no I'm very much a dude my voice is just insanely feminine. also with your pronouns, do you prefer one over the other? I just found you and i love your videos and art, I'm sorry if you already got this question before! have a great day!

hello my dude i will try to answer this to the best of my ability since normally with overwatch TC i’ve grown to take it with a grain of salt and im not trans so i’m not the best versed with the struggles you go through!But normally i find with how toxic the community has become i don’t even try with people, i guess ive always been secretive about me being NB and i go by female pronouns as well so most people just assume im a girl irl anyway, should i correct them? probably yes but i’ve just gotten so tired of trying to explain to random strangers what NB is. My family and close friends know and call me the correct pronouns to me that’s enough.

So when people are like ooooh gamer gurl and shit like that and rag on me in TC i tend to mute em and report or just rag on them back. Overwatch is hella toxic and don’t have a great report system in place. So when you get obnoxious people who know they ain’t gonna get in shit if they aren’t throwing then there’s nothing really you can do to stop them.

Normally i’ll also just make jokes back at them like nope not a girl im a grill and stupid stuff like that tends to keep the team on more friendly terms and you just pray the team doesn’t tilt and lose sr.I know this isn’t super great advice but ive been called worse shit by people who’ve meant more to me so i don’t really let that shit get to me. I mean sometimes they tilt me but yeah i do my best.ahhh i do really have a preference i think most people use her/she but im also super cool with they/them

Im really glad you like my videos and everything!

[bisexualamy]

Uh so I have an advice question? I love your blog and your the only trans male that I follow, that I know of. So basically my parents sorta hailed me as the "normal child": my sister is a lovely trans lady, and by brother is bi, and so my parents will always made subtle comments w/ me how normal I am and how they're happy they don't have to deal with all the "weird stuff" with me.. but I'm pretty sure I'm ftm and I don't know what to do. Should I tell them? And how to I feel happy in my body rn?

Firstly, I will tell you that this pressure your parents are putting on you is unfair. Like, forget even about the concept that no one is “normal”, but it looks like they’re projecting onto you their own feelings of discomfort (or something similar) regarding your two siblings. It feels like they’re applying this unnecessary and unwarranted pressure (which can be harmful) because they haven’t really sorted out what their own feelings are regarding your sister and brother. It’s not fair to tell you to conform to this standard of “normal” when normal is so nebulous, and if “normal” in this case means cishet, then it’s homo/transphobic as well. There’s nothing abnormal about being sga or trans. I want you to know that your gender questions aren’t wrong and, if you turn out to be ftm, that’s perfectly okay.

Whether or not you should tell them, I think, has to do with two things. Firstly, do you even want to tell them? We have this weird pressure placed on our community that we have to tell our family about our identities, when the truth is, if you want nothing to do with your parents in the future, you don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to. Also, you might not want/need to tell them right away. Think about if you’re ready to come out and if it’s something you want to do, or instead feel forced to do. 

Secondly, if you do want to tell them, I think you need to look at your current relationship with your parents and what kind of relationship it is. Is it strong? Is it honest? Is it something you value? This might help you figure out how the conversation will go. I think you have a really good resource in your sister. She already did this. I think having a conversation with her about this could be very valuable. Maybe come out to her first. She could also probably help you if you’re still questioning certain aspects of your identity.

In terms of how to feel happy/comfortable in your body, that’s another big question. Every trans person’s level of discomfort with their body is different, and the form that discomfort takes is also different. My personal dysphoria has lessened significantly after transition, but I know that not everyone wants to transition (at all or right away) or has the means to. While I was still pre-transition, things like cutting my hair short and dressing the way I wanted to significantly reduced my dysphoria and gave me more confidence. Same thing with changing my name and pronouns. Taking steps to express your gender identity that aren’t medical are something you can do now, or soon, and might help. They also give you a better sense of control over your situation, which can often be comforting. If you have other dysphoria-specific questions, feel free to send me another ask or IM me, because I think I could be a better help in that area if I knew what kind of dysphoria you were talking about.