#she literally does more than my parents especially when it comes to my mental health | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

amberjazmyn · 4 months ago

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don't wanna drive another mile (without knowing your breathing)💔🫶

pairing : lando norris x fem!reader

summary : when his girlfriend struggles, lando does everything in his power to help her feel better. even if it means calling her mum

warnings : noah kahan song, tears, talks of anxiety and other mental health disorders, mention of suicide and description of potential suicide attempt, happy ending!! reader's name is estella, twin sister's name is eleni, cousin's name is ally and parents names are alessandro and nicole.

a/n : the first time i wanted to write this, i wanted to write it about carlos' departure from ferrari since i had seen so many edits about it with 'call your mom' by noah kahan on tik tok. but, then i decided to change it and write it about lando since i feel like this is more suited to lando than carlos. especially after i read a one-shot that had the same song as the inspo after i had the inspo to originally create this for carlos before changing it to lando after realising in my version it'd also suit lando more than carlos.

oh, you spiralin' again, the moment right before it ends, you're most afraid of but, don't you cancel any plans. cause i won't let you get the chance to never make them

it was quiet when lando entered into the apartment he shared with his girlfriend, estella. the quiet wasn't something that lando liked but it was something he really disliked since estella moved in with him. because it was always a loud, happy and bright home that the two of them had created together in their not big but not small apartment in monte-carlo, monaco. no matter if he was coming back from a shitty race, a shitty day at the factory or even a great day, estella always made sure lando came home to a happy, bright and loud home. the one other time that lando came home to a quiet apartment, was the time that estella had been newly diagnosed with an anxiety and depressive disorders and she had been struggling to adjust to her medication. but, since then, it hadn't happened since she had been regularly taking the medication and it had been helping her. so it concerned lando that he had come home to the quiet for a second time. calling out for estella, she hadn't responded. even when he loudly dropped his bag and took off his shoes, shoving them into the mudroom as loud as he could to get her attention. but no matter what he did, no response from estella was heard.

"...estella?" he asked once more as he tip-toed through the apartment, through the lounge room, kitchen and up the stairs to their bedroom

due to the silence, lando should have heard his girlfriend's timid voice but, he had to strain his ears just to hear it because of how quiet it was, " i'm in here,"

'i'm in here' sounded like their bedroom and sure enough, as lando walked into their shared room, there she was. bundled under the bedsheets and blankets, there laid estella. looking right at him, and it was in that one singular look that lando knew what was going on and that she was struggling again.

his feet softly padded over to their bed, sitting beside her, his hand raking through her messy hair, his voice soft and delicate, "how was hanging out with eleni and ally?" eleni was estella's twin sister and ally their cousin

shaking her head softly before turning it away, it was clear to lando before she even said it that estella had cancelled the plans to see her family and didn't go. internally disappointed, not wanting to make his girlfriend feel even worse for something she genuinely couldn't control anymore, lando continued to comb his fingers through her hair. because if he clued his girlfriend in on his internal disappointment, it would make estella even more upset that she couldn't control her urges of cancelling plans when her episodes took control.

whilst she would shut everyone else out during her episodes, there were two people her body just knew to never shut out. lando and her mum. those were the two people her literal mind, body and soul could never shut out when she was in crisis mode. sure, she could shut out her dad despite being a daddy's girl and the rest of her family but for some reason, no matter how hard she tried, she could never shut out her mum, nicole, or her boyfriend, lando. and, in all honesty, lando and nicole were thankful that they were the two people that estella's mind, body and soul couldn't shut out. it was as though within estella, it knew that she couldn't shut out everyone so those two people were the two that were allowed to talk sense into the broken girl.

without anymore words from lando or estella, lando stripped off his clothes and wiggled himself into estella's space. wrapping his arms around her, he made sure that she was facing him and began to wipe away the tears that she had started to cry. knowing what he was going to say was what made estella's tears instantly stream down her cheeks since it wasn't the first time he would be telling her this.

"whilst i don't know exactly how it feels for you since it's different for everyone, i just want you to know that i know whilst it may seem difficult right now, it won't stay difficult forever. you'll get through this, remembering to take your medication is the first step as i can see you haven't done that today..." lando trailed off until he got a good look at the perscription medication that his girlfriend was perscribed - it looked as though it hadn't been taken for the last two weeks

"...babe, you've not been taking your medication for two weeks, why's that?" lando's voice whispered out as he rested himself against his elbow as estella sniffled in embarrassment

at first she was unwilling to reveal it but it wasn't until lando forced her that she told him why.

"it felt like it stopped working like it had been before so i stopped taking it just in case i was becoming intolerant to it or not..." estella trailed off in sniffles as lando sighed, coming off from resting on his elbow and hugging his girlfriend tighter

"...have you become intolerant to it?" lando questioned as estella shook her head as tears spilt down her cheeks as she forced her eyes closed

"i feel worse..." estella sobbed out softly without needing lando to ask as that devastated him

that was when lando made the decision that tomorrow he would be on the phone to nicole, estella's mum. cause if there was one other person that could help lando in getting estella out of her funk, it would be her mum. he would also remind himself to ring up eleni and ally because whilst lando and nicole were the only two that could really get through to estella, eleni and ally were not that far behind. especially since eleni and estella were twins, eleni was coming up to becoming the third person that could really get estella out of her head and calm her down in the same way that lando and nicole could.

but that was tomorrow's problem. right now, the only thing lando could do was to hold his girlfriend as she cried. only hoping that eventually, she would succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep at some point whilst lando would stay awake until the moment of sleep would come for estella. but until then, lando would be staying wide awake and comforting his girlfriend.

stayed on the line with you the entire night, 'til you let it out and let it in. don't let this darkness fool you, all lights turned off can be turned on. i'll drive, i'll drive all night. i'll call your mom.

and lando thought his heart couldn't break anymore until this time when it did break even more. he was on the other side of the world, it was already the next week and that meant that it was race week. it was the miami grand prix and although estella really wanted to be alright enough to go alongside lando, it was obvious she wasn't. she still hadn't been taking her medication even after revealing to lando that not taking it made her feel worse. it was because she had started to forget to take it because it had been so long since she had taken it. not because she didn't want to take it, she did. she hated how she felt when she didn't take her medication. she just always seemed to forget. even with the countless reminders from lando over facetime and texts, she'd still forget. she'd forget because she didn't have someone with her, in front of her watching her take it and holding her accountable.

hearing his girlfriend sob over the phone made lando wince in physical pain. it made him rethink staying within formula one, especially after the way mclaren had been treating him. however, he knew it would make estella feel worse if he packed up his things and came home. so, he reluctantly stayed back in miami as he tried his hardest to soothe his girlfriend's agonizing sobs only with his voice. not able to facetime since he was technically meant to be in a meeting with team 4.

"...i can't do this anymore, lando! i know you always said that it'll get easier but how much longer do i have to feel like this before i feel like i no longer want to overdose or jump off a building? i don't wanna do this anymore," she wept again and hearing these words horrified lando in a way that had never happened before - even when estella was at her worse, worser than this, she never said these things

if this was estella insinuating what lando thought she was, dropping out of the race wouldn't be an awful idea. except, he couldn't bring himself to ask her if she really was considering what he thought she was. especially considering he didn't want to even think about placing that idea in her head with him so far away from her.

"all lights turned off can be turned on, elle. you know this babe, i've told you this so many times. you are a light in so many people's worlds, not just mine and your family's, please do not let this darkness fool you. you light up the world's of me, your mum, eleni, ally...everyone that loves you love the light that you shine on them. if you can't do this for yourself, do it for me, please! hold on a little longer for me and i'll be there soon, i promise!" he begged as he wasted no time in making sure he was messaging nicole as well as eleni and ally because he knew that whilst he wouldn't be back home in monaco until late, that he could still have three other people keeping estella company whilst he's still out of the country

thankful that nicole, eleni and ally all lived in monaco, all reletively close to lando and estella's apartment, it wouldn't take that long for the three of them to reach estella. lando didn't even need to fully explain the situation, the three ladies knew from the moment he sent them a singular 's.o.s' that the three of them got into their cars and raced over to the apartment.

"i can try..." was what was heard from estella as lando let out a shaky breath of relief

on estella's end of the line, the sounds of doors opening and closing could be heard alongside three voices softly chattering that lando recognised instantly.

"...did you call my mum, sister and cousin?" his girlfriend queried as lando heard the voices getting louder

"of course i did" lando responded quickly as estella felt a small smile grace her face for the first time in months

there was a pregnant pause of silence before estella's small voice spoke up again, "thank you" and even though it came out muffled, it didn't take lando to strain his ears to hear that there was a small smile when she said that

"of course, my angel. anytime, it's my job to take care of you and help you," lando responded back in his soft tone

although lando could hear estella actually welcome her mum, sister and cousin into the house, he couldn't hear much after that until he realised that estella hung up their phone call. so she could accept the help of her mum, sister and cousin instead of shutting them out when she couldn't shut out one of the three people. he then heard his phone ping, indicating he had a text message. it was from estella letting him know a second time that she appreciated lando for making her mum, sister and cousin aware of what was going on with her whilst he was so far away.

he could only imagine the conversation that was happening right now between nicole, estella, eleni and ally. he could imagine it being the four of them talking about how 'sickly perfect' lando was. however, later on in the day, after the race and estella called lando again to talk about how his race went since it was his maiden win did she forget to hang up the phone this time and lando would hear how nicole, eleni and ally really loved and adored him and how he took care of their beautiful estella.

"...you know, elle, you really picked the right boy for yourself, you know that right?" lando could hear ally whisper on the other end of the line as he smiled at how they were now talking about him

it made butterflies erupt in his tummy. he had always wanted for estella's family to love him because it was very well-known how much of a family man lando was with his own family. and all he wanted for any relationship he was in was getting along with the other person's family. and he was glad he had done that very thing with estella's family.

"thanks ally. and i do know that. lando really is perfect in every way. it's actually kind of sickly if i really think about it...he just seems like he's come straight out of a romcom or a novel..." estella smirked and even though lando could only hear his girlfriend and not see her, it was obvious she was smirking

and that was something that lando was overjoyed about. all he wanted was for estella to be happy again. and even though this was only the beginning and he wasn't able to fully see the whole picture of the situation, it was obvious that something was going right in his plan.

then, after nearly falling asleep over the phone, lando's eyes ripped open, his body jumping at hearing the sudden laughter that had erupted right next to his ear. it was clear to him that either ally or eleni had said something hilarious as he remembers hearing faintly that nicole was heading up to bed as it had gotten late. and since he could recognise the difference between estella and eleni's laughter, it was clear to him that ally and eleni had made estella laugh.

and that sound was music to lando's ears. even if it may have deafened him and caused him to lose his hearing in one ear slightly.

waiting room, no place to stand. just greatest fears and wringing hands and the loudest silence.

he never thought he'd get the call. never in a million years did he imagine he'd get a phone call from his girlfriend's twin sister in absolute hysterics telling him that she thinks her sister is most likely trying to kill herself. eleni didn't even need to tell him in which method she thought that her sister was trying to end her life because she didn't know since she wasn't even in monaco but got an alarming text from her sister that was clearly a suicide note to her sister.

that was why she had rung lando up since she knew that the two of them had spoken so it freaked her out that there was such a quick change in her sister's mentality. so quick that it didn't even seem humanely possible that estella could be so happy one moment to then send her sister such a sinister message that sounds far too much like a final goodbye.

the second lando and eleni ended their phone call, he dropped everything he was doing with mclaren and jumped into his car. racing down the streets of monaco, most likely copping a heap of fines but nothing mattered except for getting to his girlfriend at their apartment as quickly as he could. he couldn't even remember if he had properly stopped the car or taken the keys out of the ignition before he was jumping out of the car and running up into their shared apartment, their happy, loud and bright home.

except this time it wasn't happy, loud or bright. it was sullen, quiet and dark. no lights were turned on, only silence filled the house except for the tapping sounds of all the taps and maybe the shower as well. lando wasted no time as he rushed over to where the only noise of the taps and shower was coming from. their ensuite bathroom. and he should have expected this but, estella had remembered to lock the door as if she knew that after sending that text message to her sister that eleni would flag it and ring lando immediately. hence why she remembered to lock it since she didn't want lando to see her like this or stop her from this.

however, she knew that lando wasn't going to just let them both give up. she knew that lando wasn't just going to let himself be stopped by the locked door and she knew that he wasn't going to let her do anything to hurt herself. because she knew that lando couldn't live another day without her by his side. so it wasn't shocking when the loud returned in the form of lando breaking down their bathroom door to let himself into the room so he could stop estella from doing what she was most likely already doing.

thankfully it hadn't taken lando that long to break down the door but what the door opened to was far scarier than anything he had ever seen before in nightmares growing up. the sight he saw was seeing his girlfriend holding a bottle of pills in one hand, and in the other an entire bottle of alcohol that had been completely emptied.

he could tell that she had downed the entire bottle of alcohol but it seemed as though he may have just made it before she was able to down the entire pill bottle. however, he wasn't sure so, he had to make sure. thankfully, all he had to do was to get down onto his knees, which was the exact same position that estella was in on the floor. tears welling in her waterline but hadn't yet fallen down her face. which she was grateful for when she noticed the tears streaking lando's cheeks. she couldn't cry her own tears whilst lando was crying his.

when lando carefully fell down to his knees, he knew the next thing he had to do so he did it. he grabbed the pill bottle from estella's grasp, placing it on the floor behind him before doing the same thing to the empty alcohol bottle. he then picked up the pill bottle again, and held it in front of estella's face.

his shaky and teary voice then asking one simple question

"...did or did you not take any of these pills?" lando's voice whilst shaky and teary was firm and assertive as estella turned her eyesight down to the ground

when it had been silent for too long and estella refusing to answer the first time, lando asked again.

"estella, did or did you not take these?" he asked with more force this time, his voice cracking because of it as estella made eye contact with lando again, noticing just how much pain she was putting her boyfriend through

especially when she saw the way he dropped the pill bottle and a strangled sob left his mouth when she nodded her head yes.

"how...how many estella? how many did you take?" lando sobbed, his shaking hands cradling her face as estella thought for a moment as lando continued to cry

"i...i don't know...maybe...maybe like a hand...handful?" estella stammered out as another gut-wrenching sob left lando's mouth as he turned his head away, resting it on his shoulder as his hands still cradled estella's face

"babe, you need help! you need the hospital, you need these pills and alcohol to be taken out of your stomach! if you're not sure about how many pills you've taken, then we don't know what could happen if we don't take you to the hospital! you need a therapist, you need a new dosage of your medication...have you even been taking your medication because these pills are new and i've never seen them before! please i beg just..." lando had to stop himself before he choked on his tears as he tried to calm down, "...please, let me help you get the help you need! i'm begging you, estella, cause i can't lose you!"

and that was how lando found himself in one of monaco's two hospital waiting rooms as he waited for his girlfriend to get her stomach pumped out. his mind clouded with fear and his extremities shaky and sweaty. a sharp ringing noise also played on loop in the englismen's ears before it halted when he heard his name being called out.

"...lando!" it was eleni, estella's twin sister and for the first time, lando saw what he looked like on someone else

both eleni and lando looked disheveled. the both of them not having any sleep the entire time that estella had been in the hospital. both of their faces red, puffy and itchy from all the tears they had cried and the tears they were still crying silently. both of them still wearing the same clothes they had been wearing when the attempt first happened. both of them holding in each other as they try to comfort the other as they both close their eyes, imagining this wasn't the reason why they were hugging each other.

"what happened, lando? did...did she do it?" eleni was brave enough to ask, the two of them pulling away as lando's eyes showed nothing but emptiness

"by the time i got there, she had already downed the whole bottle of alcohol with what she assumed was a handful of pills with it...if i hadn't of gotten there in time...she...she would've..." a gut-wrenching sob forces lando from continuing as his hand covers his face, the other covering his middle as he fell back into eleni's shoulder, eleni catching him without a thought or hesitation

feeling eleni's thumbs wiping away his tears gives lando a weird comfort. a comfort that felt similar to estella's. opening his eyes, he then remembers that eleni isn't estella. eleni is estella's sister and is just as devastated and heartbroken as he is about this situation. forgetting about his own grief for a second, he shifts his own grief to eleni.

"...i'm sorry eleni...how...how are you doing? how's alessandro, nicole and ally doing?" lando sniffles, running his hand under his nose, thinking it would be snot but only feeling the wetness of his tears

eleni smiles, grateful that lando didn't forget about the rest of estella's family and answers, "the best we can be, in all honesty. ally is on her way but alessandro and nicole won't be arriving until tomorrow because they're stuck at work until tomorrow..." she responds with a small smile as lando nods his head

leading eleni back to the uncomfortable chairs that he had been sitting on earlier, they took solace being together. leaning their heads against each other's they just waited and waited for any news about estella.

when the silence became too much for the twin and boyfriend, eleni took out her phone, urging lando to do the same. since the both of them had more photos and videos of estella in their camera rolls than any other person or thing. at first, lando was confused at how eleni could so very easily put away her grief and look at photos and watch videos of estella when she wasn't struggling. however, when he saw the very live photo on eleni's phone that was the current live lockscreen on lando's phone, lando couldn't help but look at it.

the live photo was taken by eleni of estella with lando with them but just off to the side of the camera. they were at the beach and the sun was rising. it was the early morning of eleni and estella's 22nd birthday and it was also a race weekend in spain. and lando and eleni's boyfriend had decided to surprise their girlfriend's with seeing the sunset at the spanish beach before going for some brunch at the cafe that was directly across from the beach. in the live photo, both eleni and her boyfriend had been trying to make estella laugh since in all of the other photos, estella wasn't smiling with her teeth. and it had started to annoy eleni and her boyfriend. so, it wasn't until they 'threatened' estella with her boyfriend, lando, that they finally got estella to laugh. not only could you hear estella's laughter and see her beautiful smile but you could also hear the confusion and slight worry in lando's voice when eleni and her boyfriend jokingly threatened his girlfriend with himself to get her to smile with teeth in a photo. you could also hear a snippet of lando's laughter as well but only at the very end of the live photo but lando's laugh was crystal clear in the same way that estella's laugh and smile was.

and it was hearing those giggles, jokes and his own confusion and laughter in that photo that got lando to smile again in the melancholy hospital. looking over at eleni's phone, he saw the same photo that matched his lockscreen on his phone and even though tears welled in his eyes, this time they were happy tears.

"this is the estella that i know and love," eleni whispered in case lando was still too fragile for anything above a whisper as he smiled

"me too. it's also the estella that i miss." lando whispers back as he looks back at eleni after looking at the live photo as eleni smiled back

"yeah. she loved turning twenty-two. i honestly think she was the happiest at twenty-two. makes me wish we could go back to being twenty-two." eleni whispered, tears filling her eyes as lando held out his hand, eleni taking it in hers without hesitation

"same here. estella at twenty-two is someone i don't think she even recognises or sees in herself anymore." lando sniffles, wiping away the lone tear from his cheek as eleni then rested her head against lando's for the second time that day

if you could see yourself like this. if you could see yourself like this, you'd've never tried it. stayed on the line with you the entire night, 'til you told me you had to go.

before the siblings-in-law could go down a further spiral, footsteps forced them to lift their heads up in the direction they heard them. and in front of them was estella's doctor. straight away, the two young adults stood up and wondered how their girl was doing.

"is she okay?" is the first thing that splurts out of lando's mouth as the doctor shoves his hands into the pockets of his scrubs

"me and my team were able to successfully pump out all the contents out of her stomach from her failed suicide attempt. mr norris, if you hadn't of found miss hernandez when you did and brought her into the hospital when you did, this would have not been the news i would be telling you. however, in my professional opinion, i do believe that miss hernandez is still a flight risk as well as a risk to herself so me and my team have decided that she will be moved into the mental health ward of this hospital and kept there for a few more days before being discharged. even though i can see that miss hernandez has been perscribed anti-depressants, we were able to get the information from her that she had been forgetting to take it after feeling like it wasn't working even though it made her feel worse. so, we have decided to up her dosage and every day she takes it, in the future when she is discharged, will have to be in front of someone to make sure she takes it. she will no longer be able to take it without someone watching her. yes, it sounds awful but, she told me herself, before she fell back asleep, that she feels like it will be beneficial for her own sake, health and wellbeing, if she is watched whilst taking the medication. we have also arranged a therapist since she mentioned that you had suggested that to her before bringing her in. so, are you her boyfriend, mr norris?" the doctor ends his spiel as lando nods his head, eleni standing quietly beside him

"yeah, i'm her boyfriend. eleni is her sister so, are we able to see her? i know i'm not her husband but, i really need to see her. especially since her cousin and parents won't arrive until later on and tomorrow..." lando didn't plead but it was obvious he was as the doctor smiled at the young adult

"...oh, yes, eleni hernandez. because you are family, is it okay if i ask you some questions since there are no other family members of estella-" the doctor was going to continue since his patient had asked to speak with her boyfriend and not her sister until the leading nurse whispered in his ear, telling him otherwise

sighing sadly, the doctor stopped and spoke again, "-i'm sorry to do this since she is asking for you but, mr norris, since you are just miss hernandez's boyfriend and right now we're only allowing family in, can we ask you some questions whilst eleni goes in to visit her? and straight after i've finished with the questions, you can go in afterwards?" the doctor really hated having to do this since it was obvious he knew who lando was but, he couldn't always bend the rules, even for an f1 driver like lando norris

so, reluctantly, eleni went in the direction of her sister's hospital room whilst lando stayed put with the doctor, retreating back over to the chairs he and eleni sat in earlier to answer some questions.

the questions ranged from 'how long has miss hernandez been feeling like this?' to 'is this the first time she's tried to commit suicide or has to tried beforehand?' and lando wasn't sure when the questions ended until he felt the soft hand of the doctor against his knee. letting him know the questions were over and he was now allowed to go into estella's room to visit her.

the conversation that lando walked into between the twin sisters broke his heart for the umpteenth time that day. eleni laying on the left side of her sister's hospital bed, hugging her tightly as she asked her what was going through her damn head that made her think overdosing on alcohol and unknown medication was a smart idea.

"estella, i know you only do this with mum and lando but, please tell me why you decided to do what you did. what went through that dumb head of yours that made you think overdosing on alcohol and a bottle of mystery pills was a smart idea? what in the fucking world made you think doing that was okay? i love you, estella, okay? i love you so fucking much that it hurts majority of the time! lando feels the same way. he loves you in the exact same way i love you. and it hurts him the same when he watches you destroy yourself from the inside out. all he wants to do and all he's tried to do ever since he's met you is to make you happy! all he wants is for you two to live in a happy, loud and bright home and he has done that ever since the day you two fell in love with one another. what changed? was it something he did unknowingly that you never told him for the fear that he'd run away? or because you didn't want me, mum, dad or ally finding out about it and then going to lando with questions about it? why have you been constantly self-sabotaging yourself ever since you were given those anxiety and depression diagnoses? god forbid, maybe it wasn't even lando and it was something i did or was it something that mum or dad did? fuck, was it ally? was it my boyfriend? just tell me, why did you do this?" eleni begged, not even letting go of her sister as estella's tears were gone as she spoke up

"honestly, none of you guys did anything wrong. i promise, if it was one of you guys, i genuinely would have told you. when it's got to do with me, that's when i don't tell anyone. even lando and mum but, they always get it out of me before i can even stop them. but, a switch flipped in my brain after i finished the call with lando. i'm still trying to figure out what switch and why but, it just flipped and i was no longer myself anymore. it was like i couldn't control the movements anymore. it felt like i wasn't in control of my own body. i don't even remember the alcohol or how many pills i had actually taken before lando broke down the door. i just remember him breaking down the door and watching as i had my hand holding the pill bottle in one hand and the empty alcohol bottle in the other. then after that, all i remember is lando removing both bottles. the pill bottle back in lando's hand as he asked me how many of them i had taken. it was obvious it wasn't a lot but, still not enough for lando to know that some had been ingested. i guess...i guess i just felt like i wanted to feel something again since i couldn't remember the last time i felt anything. i had been numb for so long after i had stopped taking my anti-depressants that after that, i was a shell of myself," estella explained as eleni shook her head, tightening her hold on her sister

this next part of the conversation was what lando had walked in on, "do you know what you did to lando when you did that? when you made that decision, did you have any idea what that did to lando, and how it made him feel when he kicked down that door and saw what he saw?" eleni asked, the girl looking up to see lando had walked in as estella then turned her head and saw him

it broke her heart as she saw what she had done to her boyfriend. she could see the turmoil and heartbreak she had put her boyfriend through from forcing him to see her in the middle of a suicide attempt. she could see every single emotion swimming in her boyfriend's face and eyes. his eyes especially carrying all of that pain that sparkled in the unshed tears that were still building up in his waterline. eleni then made her way out of her sister's hospital bed after giving her sister a soft kiss to the forehead before doing the same to lando before leaving the couple on their own. closing the door behind her, eleni knew this moment between the boyfriend and girlfriend wasn't meant for anyone else but the two of them.

"you never deserved to have to watch that...i'm sorry that i put you through that pain, it was unfair of me. eleni's right, you've not done anything but try to keep our home a happy, loud and bright one and i made it into a sullen, quiet and dark home and i shouldn't have done that. especially after the both of us had done everything we could to make it into a happy, loud and bright home, it was never right for me to change it all because i was the one who decided to stop taking my medication because i thought i was intolerant to it without any evidence or facts to support my claim. i love you, lando. i love you more than i've loved anyone and i think that's why my mind, body and soul finds it so easy to tell you the things that i shut off from dad, eleni and ally. they knew something before my physical body did and i think that's why i'm also so scared of something happening to you..." estella explained, her hand holding lando's tightly as he nodded his head as his lips trembled

"...i'm just glad that you're okay and nothing more serious happened," lando whispered, a tear slipping down his cheek as estella reaches over to wipe it away

this causes lando to close his eyes, his cheek leaning into it. the touch from his girlfriend making him cry even more which breaks estella's heart. she never ever wanted to make lando cry and upset him. yet she did and she'd do everything in her power to make sure it never happened again. even though she knew that lando wouldn't blame her and she'll learn that in time, she still did blame herself a little bit.

"i love you, lando." estella whispers as she allows lando to climb into her hospital bed with her, lando sliding right in seamlessly and hugs her tightly but not too tight that it messes with any of her ivs

"i love you too, estella." lando whispers before the two of them close their eyes and fall asleep

the doctor not wanting to wake either of them up to tell them that visiting hours were over. so, he just let the boyfriend and girlfriend stay together knowing that they weren't actually causing any harm. it was clear that the two of them needed each other and needed their rest. so, he just smiled, did a quick visual check of the vitals for estella and just let them be. closing the door behind him as he remembered to tell the next nurse that does estella's vitals that her boyfriend is with them and they may still be asleep.

medicate, meditate, swear your soul to jesus. throw a punch, fall in in love, give yourself a reason. don't wanna drive another mile wonderin' in you're breathin'. so won't you stay, won't you stay, won't you stay with me?

since getting discharged from the mental health ward at the hospital in monaco, estella had never been happier. the new dosage of anti-depressants and seeing a therapist had helped her massively to the point where she was now off of the medication completely for a few months in a trial run to see how she'd fare without them and, currently, she was doing fantastic. in the same way to slowly getting off her medication, she was no longer seeing her therapist all the time and it was clear that she now knew how to help herself when she felt herself potentially falling back down again. to the point where she was now going back to watching the races in all the different countries alongside her beau, lando. strangely enough, another thing she had picked up since recovering and slowly weening off her medication was meditation. other people had been telling her to "swear her soul to jesus" but, she wasn't that kind of person so she just ignored those particular people. she wasn't religious like the rest of her family but she was heavily spiritual and it seemed as though lando had joined her in that prospect of beliving in spirituality over religion. so, they felt like doing daily meditations when they woke up and before going to bed was a healthy middle man for them over religion.

to those that had seen estella fall, it brought them great joy to see that she hadn't given up and that she was still fighting and pushing through each day. they had also watched the way lando and estella's relationship got even stronger, the two of them falling even more in love with one another. it was watching them fall even more in love that they had noticed that estella had given herself a reason that was causing her and lando to fall more in love with one another.

it was obvious to everyone now that estella had recovered that they noticed that lando no longer had to worry during races. he no longer had to think about pulling out of them because estella wasn't at home, covered by their bedspread, hiding away from everyone. she was right there, in the thick of the race week, in the paddock and in the garage of mclaren, supporting her boyfriend every single race week. he no longer had to worry about fearing if his girlfriend would stay with him or if she'd give up.

it was in these moments, watching the way his girlfriend smiled and laughed again with the people around her in the f1 paddock that lando realised that the girl he loved so dearly was back. the girl he met way back when had returned and she was happier than ever before. the light in her eyes had returned and the joy radiated through every movement her body made. it made lando overwhelmed with happiness that he was now able to finally make her his for the rest of their lives.

it was this very moment. looking from afar at his girlfriend talking with carlos, charles and max that lando knew he was going to propose to her. he was going to ask her to marry him.

💐

he wasn't sure why he was all of a sudden so nervous. lando knew word for word of what he was going to say during his speech in a bid to get estella to say yes to his marriage proposal. at first, he just thought about making it a low-key thing like at their new monaco apartment but, he thought that would just be lackluster. especially since they had only just moved into it and they hadn't fully furnished it out just yet. that was another thing that they had done since estella's discharge from the hospital. since the old apartment was now showered with those memories, the couple decided to move into a bigger apartment, a hallway down from leclerc and verstappen. and because they had been bombarded with race after race, they hadn't yet been able to fully decorate their new apartment. so, lando knew doing it in their very blank and bland apartment would not be the way to do it.

so, instead, he decided to do it at the beach. whilst it was no spanish beach during the spanish grand prix, it was the monte-carlo beach so it wasn't too far off from spain. wanting to recreate the same atmoshphere as his lockscreen live photo of estella smiling at the spanish beach, that's what he did for their engagement. he wanted to replicate it except, instead of it just being estella smiling in the photo, he wanted to be in it fully this time. unlike the first time when he was only a tiny slither and just his voice in the background of it.

and of course, he wasn't doing this all on his own. of course not. he had acquired the help of his in-law's, estella's family, as well as charles, carlos, oscar, max and some other drivers from the current f1 grid that were close to the couple. he made sure that he timed his proposal properly that it would occur the exact same time that the sun would rise over the monte-carlo beach so that they'd get the sunrise in all of their photos, live or still. he had also managed to book the beach to the point that he was able to leave the beach and know that no one was allowed to remove the fairy lights and the lights that spelt out "will you marry me?" that was being held up by two steel rods that had been decorated with l.e.d lights.

now that he had planned the proposal, it was now night time and he was getting a message from his girlfriend asking him when he'd be coming home from his meeting. little did she know that he wasn't at the meeting with mclaren but actually planning this marriage proposal with the rest of the drivers and her family.

i'll drive, i'll drive all night, i'll call your mom. i'll call your mom.

as he drove the way back home to their apartment, he just couldn't wait for the night to turn into dusk. he couldn't wait for the sun to rise as they become fiance's to one another. he couldn't wait to get closer to having that woman as his wife. he'd drive all night for her, he'd be on the phone all night, just to hear her speak and laugh about how her day was. their phone calls no longer consisted of heartbreak and tears and fear of her not being there when he'd return home. they both knew now that no matter how far lando drove, she'd be there waiting for him when he'd come back home. when he'd open that front door or that bathroom door when hearing the shower, he would be comforted knowing that it was the love of his life having a shower and not using the shower as a distraction for a more malicious reason other than a shower. he knew now that whenever he rang nicole hernandez, that it wasn't because he was worried about the love of his life but because he was wanting to update her and alessandro on their life and how the race they had just returned back from went.

lando no longer had to fear for his life whenever eleni rang him. when eleni rang him, he no longer had to worry if it was her telling him if estella was still alive or if she wasn't. now what the siblings-in-law (to be) talked about was the excitement of the fact that they were finally going to be engaged and that she was finally going to get a brother like she had always dreamt of wanting. now that they no longer had to be fearful for estella, they could just talk about their life and what the new gossip was. lando especially loved hearing when eleni would gossip about her boyfriend and the things he had done. and eleni especially loved hearing when lando would gossip about the so-called 'drama' between the f1 drivers that was apparently occuring after each race even though there was no drama, lando specific in letting eleni know that all the drivers got along and the things being said on twitter, tik tok and instagram was always made to sound more dramatic then they actually were in real life. even though eleni did love a little bit of gossip and drama, it always healed her heart a little more each time when lando would reassure her that all of her favourite driver friendships were totally fine whenever they'd have altercations on track during a race.

lando always loved to reassure eleni about the f1 friendships because, like twin sister like twin sister, estella would have the same exact worries as eleni would. so, it wasn't just eleni that lando would have reassure, it was also estella. and it was also those little moments that made lando glad that he already had the ring and had just been waiting for the right moment.

finally arriving back home, he was shocked to find that estella didn't wait up for him like she promised him she would. however, like mentioned, he didn't have to worry at all about the quiet anymore. because now he knew that when it was quiet, that estella was asleep and that nothing was bothering her or making her worried about anything. it almost gave him deja vu almost. the last time he had driven this fast to get back to their home, it was at the other apartment and it was for much darker and somber reasons. but, this time, he embraced the quiet as his eyes began to droop and tiredness spread across his body.

whilst he couldn't wait for it to be the next day, he was also glad to fall asleep and then wake up at the crack of dawn so the moment he had been waiting for could occur. so, he stripped himself down to his underwear since he was a literal body-heater if estella was to get cold. and, he slid into bed, estella instantly curling into him, recognising his presence as she smiled into his chest, lando smiling too as he fought to keep his eyes open a little bit longer. that little bit longer that he could set an alarm to make sure they would both wake up in time for the sunrise. which, of course, had been mentioned to estella that tomorrow, they were waking up early to see the sunrise. that was probably why, now that lando thought about it, why she hadn't stayed awake for him. and, realising that, lando was even more glad that he walked in on her already asleep. after setting the alarm for the monaco sunrise tomorrow morning, lando settled himself properly into the cozy bed and closed his eyes. snuggling further into the quilt with the girl of his dreams right next to him, lando fell into the deepest of sleeps with the biggest smile on his face. an identical smile resting on estella's as she dreamt happily alongside the love of her life.

i'll call your mom. i'll call your mom.

waking up the next morning, lando was beyond excited as estella woke up beside him. it made her giggle at how giddy lando was at such an early hour of the morning but, that was what estella loved about her boyfriend.

"morning babe, ready to see the sunrise at the beach today?" lando questions, lowering himself down to kiss estella on the forehead as she smiles

"morning to you too. and, i'm as ready as i can be since it's so early!" estella giggled as lando jokingly rolled his eyes as he helped her get out of bed

they spent their time making their bed together in silence before moving on to what to wear. estella noticing lando going through their closet and going straight past the sweat set he would usually wear if they'd decide on the rare occasion to wake up early and see the sunrise. she noticed him pick out not just an outfit for himself but also for her. it intrigued her as she then moved around their bed and over to lando.

"we're not wearing our sweats to see the sunrise? who are we, lando? we never wear anything except for our sweats for the sunrise!" estella questions, her arms forcing her into a very delayed wake-up stretch session as she yawns which makes lando giggle

"just, decided to change it up a little, babe. is there something wrong with that?" lando tried to stay as unsuspicious as possible and it seemed as though estella had no clue whatsoever as she smiled

"not at all, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of change babe. i was just shocked is all since we're both always too cold to wear anything but sweats when we spontaneously decided to be up early enough to watch the sun rise," estella smiles as she then notices what lando had picked for her to wear

it was a little white lace maxi sundress that she'd usually wear when going strawberry picking or when they'd go for a little picnic. never when seeing the sunrise cause they'd always do that when it was way too cold to wear a summer sundress. however, lando made the smart choice to do this dusk proposal during a day that was meant to be very warm in comparrison to the other colder mornings. she then noticed what lando had picked out for himself was a white, linen fabric button-up shirt and lightweight chinos. they got dressed quickly, estella wearing the gorgeous white lace maxi sundress that lando had picked for her with some little strap sandles and jewellery of her choice and lando wearing his white linen fabric button-up, that he styled with the first three buttons left undone and his chinos rolled at the ankles and some nice sand shoes with his regular jewellery that he always wore.

"you ready baby?" estella asks suddenly, the couple finally in their kitchen drinking some water and further freshening themselves up before leaving

"ready. just finishing this glass of water and then we can go and we should make it in time for the sunrise," lando responds as he chugs the rest of the water before making sure the prized ring was in his pocket before leaving

"got everything?" estella asks as she grabs her handbag before reaching out for lando's hand as he nods his head

"uh-huh, i've got everything baby, let's go!" he smiles, kissing her hand before leading the both of them out to the car

the drive to the beach was a lovely one. it was quiet with the occasional song included as the couple just looked lovingly at one another whilst lando wasn't focusing on the road. even though it was quite empty, you could never be too sure so just to keep safe, lando kept an eye on the road all the time when he wasn't focused on estella.

they finally arrived at the beach and estella let out an 'aw'.

"aw, lando, looks like someone's getting proposed to during the sunrise! that's so sweet, that couple is so lucky, especially that girl! i hope they have the best wedding, i bet she's so pretty too!" estella smiled sweetly, pointing out the signage that she had no clue was actually for her

lando found it difficult to not react more to that then just a sweet smile and a nod of his head. they hadn't even reached the beach properly yet when estella had noticed that. of course, it worried him a little that the surprise had been ruined but, it seemed as though estella had no idea that that side of the beach was where they were heading not just for the sunrise but also for their proposal.

as lando parked the car, helping estella out of her side of the car, they began their walk to the beach and where the marriage proposal signage was. it was only then, the closer they got and the more light it became outside from the sun starting its slow rise that estella realised who that signage was for.

tears pricked her eyes as they made it to that very spot that she had pointed out earlier when they were driving near it thinking it was for a different couple. and thinking just how sweet it was, only for it to be for her and lando's engagement.

lando wasn't even able to say anything before estella was in tears. giggling and trying to calm her down otherwise it meant that lando would be the next one to start crying, lando attempted to begin his speech that he had planned to say for this very moment.

"estella simone hernandez, i was enchanted when i first met you. it was like i was looking at a real life angel that had been placed on this earth for a reason and had brought colour into my life. you came into my life with a purpose and it wasn't just you changing my world from black and white and technicolour. and i seriously think your purpose was to save people because that's all you've done for every single person that has been in contact with you. and out of anyone you could have chosen to fall in love with, you chose me and i am forever grateful for that. because, i know for myself personally, in every single universe, there is no one else i'd be looking for except for you. i love you more than words can explain, estella. you have been through so much but yet you've still come out of it looking just as beautiful as you were going into it. of course, there have been times when we thought being saved wasn't enough but of course, in those times, once again, we were proven wrong. i don't want to continue this life if you're not there with me. i wish to have you by my side every single day and if this is the way i can do it then, i'm going to do it because it's the only way i know how to do it without acting like the silly, childish lando norris that i usually am. estella simone hernandez, will you marry me and become estella simone norris?" lando finishes, his shaky hands manages to hold the velvet box that holds the ring as estella nods her head, falling down to her knees into the sand, lando about to do the same thing since his legs were beginning to tremble

estella only had to nod her head, there was no need for lando to hear her say anything. the simple head nod as she collapsed to her knees, cradling lando's face as he asked her to marry him was the only response he needed. that was all he needed to know that she said yes to marrying him. he could have said anything and all he would want back from her was a simple head nod. he didn't need any words back to know that he trusted that head nod and that there was no take backs from that head nod. he didn't need any words of confirmation for him to take the gorgeous engagement ring out of the velvet box and place it on estella's finger. that head nod was more powerful than any incantation of yes could ever be to him.

with that head nod and that new ring on her finger, the engaged couple got up off the floor and heard the cheers of her family, lando's family and the drivers all the while, the sun was in it's peak of rising.

and it was in this moment that lando and estella, as a newly engaged couple, got lando his new iphone lockscreen. the both of them in it, alongside the beach, the sunrise and new bling. the laughter and smiles were the same, eleni forcing estella to smile with her teeth. causing lando, eleni and estella to be hit with some deja vu from the first time a photo similar to this new one had been taken.

whilst it wasn't that beach in spain with eleni, her boyfriend, lando and estella, eleni making estella laugh with lando's voice in the background causing the laughter to continue, it was a new memory. a better memory even. it was the same core four people, eleni, her boyfriend and lando and estella, the engaged couple the two people in the photo, eleni taking it alongside her boyfriend. but it also included the laughter of the rest of their families, the norrises who were welcoming in another daughter and the hernandez's who were welcoming in their first son. and they couldn't forget about this new live photo including the laughter of lando's fellow f1 grid that he drove alongside every other week but off the track were the best of friends. some of them growing up alongside lando, watching him go from the sweet little short kid that had to be velcroed to his car so he wouldn't fall out of it to the grown up, taller, f1 driver lando norris that was now an engaged, soon to be married young man who was with the love of his life.

smiling at those that the couple loved, it was easy to see why estella would be forever glad when lando would call her mum whenever trouble rised. but now, they didn't need to worry about those phone calls to her mum happening. because, now that they were engaged, the phone calls that lando would be having with nicole would be about everything to do with their wedding. which would then turn into conversations about when nicole and alessandro would be given their first grandbaby...but thankfully, that would not be happening until way after the wedding.

fin

yes, this ending is not the same as the others but, this was a one-shot that's being seen for the first time on my tumbr and hasn't been converted from my wattpad. and yes, i was inspired by another writer with the same concept of using 'call your mom' but i think mine was different to theirs. their user is @/norrizzandpia and i really loved their take on using the song. i did have the idea to use the song for a while now even though i'm only releasing it now. like mentioned in the first a/n, i did originally have this idea for carlos and about his ferrari departure but decided that it wouldn't fit and that this more serious storyline was better and that lando was ultimately a better fit for the storyline.

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

#formula one #angst but with a happy fluffy ending #lando norris #mentions of suicide #mentions of overdose and alcohol #mentions of depression and anxiety #tears #call your mom

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heather-chandlers-weirder-cousin · 2 months ago

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Im not anon but ive been trying to put this into words. Tldr i think the age gap between a minor and an adult is terrible because it won't ever be a balanced relationship. Like one has more resources, money, freedoms and experience generally while the other does not because theyre, you know, a child.

Plus why CHOOSE a minor -especially one in the throes of puberty - instead of an adult? Whats the appeal of someone in such a different stage of life theres no overlap at all with your own? Most importantly: relationship desires/long term goals are important. Like how could they be lining up? (Context: im in my 20s and even 16 y/os look like babies to me. Plus theres no substance behind long term relationship goals other than maybe start a family in your teens vs now when im not willing to be w someone who wont do chores, wont contribute to a shared household fund, wont look at every family planning option and so on) (btw. Dont feel like you need to publish/respond, its more food for thought)

mmmmm. see, i can get where this argument comes from, and it absolutely applies in certain situations- like, you know, actual relationships where actual commitment is a thing. but in something closer to the situation I was talking about, where the entire thing's stakes were pretty much emotional- it was online and blocking her had no consequences except on my mental health lol- who can buy a house has no bearing on the situation. and like! she didn't have that power! she lived with her parents who she fought with constantly because she was disabled and couldn't move out! (Or like. claimed to. some of her details did not match up and she absolutely made up some of the things she said, but even so it doesn't really make up a difference either way.)

and like- yeah, it's sketchy as fuck, we're all aware, especially cause she had a goddamn myriad of options besides me, including a literal girlfriend. but the sketchiness, while like I'm 100% sure is connected to the reason it was so bad, isn't like. the *actual* reason it was so bad. a symptom rather than a cause, if you will- things being weird or nonsensical doesn't make it morally reprehensible- but clearly something here was!! so!!! what are we doing!!!

#asks #I feel like my point has been kind of misunderstood as me trying to justify it.#that's not it. this is an attempt to get to the bottom of what exactly about it was so sucky.#a hunt for a cause. we already GET that it was horrible. that has been accepted. that was the conclusion we came to a WHILE ago.#we're trying to figure out EXACTLY what made it tick. it's like taking a machine apart to find why it's broken. you feel me?

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ezziefox · 3 months ago

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Writing this because idk what to do

My family isn't the best. We're black, if that tells you anything already. They're not the loving type. They're not the type to care about mental health. They're not the type to see rationally into anything. If you can't do this for them, then they don't know what to do with you, and they feel "sorry for you" when you grow up and have to go out into the real world.

Ffs, my mother literally admitted to her friend on a phone call that I was the first and only person in my family to go around and tell family members that I love them when I was younger. My family, especially my parents, are the type to be like "well I grew up this way so it's an excuse for my behavior and how I treat you".

You know, for the longest while, I thought my mother didn't know that she was wrong for certain ways she spoke to and treated me. But on that same phone call with her friend (we sleep in the same room as I'm visiting overseas and other family occupy other rooms, so I kind of have no choice but to hear her conversations), she said something along these words to her:

(we're Caribbean if the wording sounds weird to you, so I'm trying to put it into a way that would make sense in proper English)

"you see the way how you grew up? With your parents hugging you, and telling you they love you? I didn't grow up like that. So..." Blah blah blah, I don't remember. But it was then that I realized that she is aware that she hasn't been the best mother. But instead of using her experience to better herself, which she should've done from the very beginning when my brother and I were born, she instead uses it as an excuse for why she treats me the way she does.

For example, I was ill a few days ago, and I've never learned to swallow pills, so I usually crush them up if I can to take them. But since this pill was a gel liquid pill or sth, it wasn't supposed to be broken or anything. Instead of trying to support and help me like I guess any other parent would, she belittles me about it, even as her friend is on the phone. And I hear her friend trying to 'jokingly' tell her that it's common for people to just be unable to swallow pills and whatnot, and stuff basically trying to tell her in the nicest way possible to go easy on me. But she doesn't listen, and that's when she speaks to her friend about that whole "how she was raised" thing.

Recently, another issue came up that I can't be bothered to explain since I already did so on a different platform, and I'm feeling frustrated again. What she said and her tone with it completely ruined my mood. I didn't feel like to watch my yt videos anymore, and I also didn't know what to do. I debated coming on here and ranting about it versus staying in my head. But I knew it wouldn't do me any good to let this negativity stay in my head, so hopefully this at least does something.

I don't know what to do or what I want at this point. You never truly know better until you've got it. But idk if I would like a better relationship with someone who comes along, because then it would only drive me insane. It's not like I'm an adult and financially capable of leaving them and keeping them out of my life as much as possible. So if I truly do experience something totally different and better, it would drive me crazy to know that there's even better out there, but I have to be stuck with these people until otherwise. So I'd rather just be stuck with them until I can escape and give my head a break—when I can finally, actually, and more safely meet new people and reshape my life and the people I surround myself with.

So while I do want better... While I do wonder what it would feel like to have someone there for you, who understands you and whatnot, I also don't want it, because it'd be a constant reminder of what I don't have and will never have until I reach of age and stability on my own. And that frustrates and kills me.

It's not only my mother. It's a generational thing, so it's more than just her. But she's the one who pissed me off in this moment. I just wanted to capture my feelings before they capture me.

I may delete this in the morning when I come to my senses ig...

Sigh.

#depressing shit #mental health #mentally exhausted #mentally tired #mentally fucked #rant post #rant #personal rant #frustrated #im so annoyed #dysfunctional family #family #life #feeling blue #not in the mood #im so tired #desire #stuck in my head

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1d1195 · 4 months ago

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Okay i'm starting off by saying to🪴anon that it was probably me that the other anon was referencing so no need to say sorry! I know I write alot and I don’t blame them for not wanting to read it! It’s not for everyone and I never expect anyone beyond Sam to read them! But I also know tone can be lost so I hope there was no malicious intent behind that because it is nice to see what others are up to. It's also nice to know a bit about the author behind the stories that we all enjoy because in the end it’s nice to bond!

Anyways lol I have 5 which is a lot! I have one all black Belgian malinois(basically a german shepard) and the other 4 are mixed with breeds that I don’t even know about lol but yeah overall last week was just very tough in all aspects! But thank you for always being so kind💗

So I'm taking 2 classes each session so 2 courses for the first 5 weeks(current ones I'm taking) then a new set of courses after those first 5 weeks are up. So within the span of 10 weeks I'm taking 4 courses which is the equivalent of one quarter for me. SO i am suffering but that's my choice lol Thank you for rooting for me though😭

GIRL I'M NOT THAT COOL HAHA WIth the help of my mom I do very basic adjustments to my clothes. She sometimes has more patience when it comes to that than me lol. I have always had to alter something ever since I could remember, especially like bottoms due to my hips/thighs being larger than my waist. But really I don’t feel like I'm cool at all. If anything I'm always so behind on trends or I just choose not to follow them lol And there’s nothing wrong with a good TJMaxx moment! Also you know I love ANY kind of Harry you write so I have no doubt that I would probably lose my mind over mechanic Harry!

Oh how exciting watching it with your sister! I did the same with my brother I think a while back lol and don’t even get me started on the vibes of Sydney and Carmy in season two like fixing up the table scene?! But yes I would love to know what you think bestie!

I hope that summer school does fly by! And I'm hoping that it will be drama free!! And PMDD is actually very common but it goes undiagnosed a lot due to so many things! From my experience I had to factor in my own mental health struggles like MDD and my personal life stressors. It was always so bad those mood changes leading up to my period and I think that people who experience periods are kind of left to believe that it’s normal but it’s not! Overall if you can and want to look into it, it doesn’t hurt! In the end just advocate for yourself and your body because only you know how you feel!

Now Sam.. YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BREAK MY HEART WITH MOST?!?! I'm not kidding when I'm telling you I was shedding tears once I finished reading it! Like FUCK omg young love?!? Actual soulmates just been torn away from each other just like that?!? They had their whole life planned out, fantasizing about their future?! The way he would support her in everything 😭 when i saw the use of ‘loved’ literal DREAD washed over me! And tell me why I thought it would be their parents doing for them splitting up and I was GAGGED that it was Lauren?! Jealousy is such a gross thing especially when used to harm someone you allegedly care about?! But I can see why she would feel insecure about holding him back and then there’s that dumb saying about letting go of someone if you love them like this all just HURTS! Then the flinching away from harry when he tried to touch her😭 This was so so good bestie! You always know how to invoke so much emotion with your stories😭 LOVED IT AND I LOVE YOU!!! Hope you had another lovely start to your week!-💜

Regardless of who the anon was talking about, I kind of feel the same way about the messages. If people want to read them, then obviously, of course they can. But this is a convo between us at the heart of it and I don't want you or anyone to feel like you can't message me anonymously 💕 I love bonding with you all!

Oh goodness. FIVE dogs. that's so fun and I love that for you, but must also be SO difficult for fireworks holiday.

Ma'am I fully support you but that's SO much I hope you get a little time to yourself someway somehow. How long till you finish your degree? No judgment at all, but I feel like you've taken 20 classes in the year I've been talking to you, I feel like you should be done soon 😭😭 I'm stressed and overwhelmed for you 💕 But I know you're going to do tremendously.

I feel like you're cool anyway 🤭💕 Mechanic Harry is on his way. But still kind of out there 😊 I'm excited about the end of the season. I'm watching with my bf and I'm a binge-watcher and he's a "I do an ep a day" it's brutal. I'm ready to watch on my own profile and pretend I know nothing 😅 Anyway, we're on ep 6 now 🙃 I see what you mean about it picking up steam after ep 5 though, so I'm excited.

These kids are DRAMATIC af. The complaints. They have to do online classes for some of their classes and it's videos and writing and all they do is complain and I'm like 0% sympathy. Pass the class during the school year and then you don't have to do it in the summer? Like it's just annoying. Sorry, I hate to sound like a BITCHY teacher but I just reach this point.

It's so weird, I'm the first person to say even though other people are struggling doesn't mean your stress isn't any less valid. Except for myself 😂 I feel like I'm just annoying af and whiny and I really don't think it's that bad. It's like day one is cramps, day two is wanting to get hit by a truck, and then I'm good. I need to speak to someone about all of my issues lol. It's just expensive and I'm pretty sure there are very few people available in my insurance network plus I feel like there is a SHORTAGE because all I hear is how there's a waitlist and whatnot, etc etc. ANYWAY. I need to advocate for myself and my mental health needs 😅 I hope you don't feel that I've minimized how you feel by talking about my own stressors!

I'm glad you liked it so much 💕 Even though it was sad and I'm sorry it caused tears! I'm a little nervous about the coming parts and I'm really glad you said the part about how you can see how she would feel insecure because I'm most worried it's going to be the reason the coming parts WON'T work, so I'm glad. I think I'm going to break a lot of hearts with this one. I hope it's successful though 💕

Thank you for being here as always and I hope your week is going well, we're halfway there!

xoxo

#💜#most

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hhappylliving · 7 months ago

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Constantly in a state of unsureness, non-judgmental unsureness, but unsure nonetheless.

Unsure about what? -Whats next?- where am I going? what type of job am I now wanting to find? is it something related to mental health or is it completely different? Do I apply to remote positions again, something that will pay more? If I were to apply and get a remote position- would I want to lesson my hours at PF but stay there for human interaction? What field would I want to apply to for remote work? So everything surrounding work.

-I'm (rightfully) worried about burn out. I know that a large portion of people who experience real/true clinical burn out feel like they've gone through healing and hop into stuff again only to become EVEN MORE burned out than they were before... I don't want that. I am genuinely afraid of that. I do not want my mind and body and soul to feel the way I did again.

-For the first time in YEARS I have very lightly considered the idea of a partner. VERY LIGHTLY VERY BRIEFLY. And the uncertainty surrounding that of -okay but literally men suck. and then there's talking to people and interacting with people and going on dates with people ALL WHILE I AM STILL COVID CONSCIOUS. and currently have no healthcare and my last vaccine was now over a year ago. so... And then theres the fact that I have been on dates while I was living at my parents house, and it is just very uncomfortable. I am very private with my family when it comes to dating and relationships, especially my parents. If I find the energy and time to leave, I have to explain where I'm going and who I will be going with. obviously I could lie but that's not the point. so unsure about dating in general/unsure about even wanting a partner in general. And then there's the thought of 'well why does it have to be a man?' and then I entertain that thought for a moment and think about how I enjoy masculine features and things the cis male body brings and then I think about how if I'm fine now having none of those things for YEARS and YEARS then why the fuck would it matter? And then I think about what I even find attractive in women and then the thought just fizzles and my brain is already done with inner dialogue and is ready to move onto something else.

-Then there's uncertainty about concerts. Which sounds fucking ridiculous, but concerts are my hobby. I can't buy tickets to my hobby when I don't know where I will be. Sure, I could travel long distances to attend said concerts but fucking christ it is so expensive. I like driving, I enjoy driving but like NYC/NJ is over 10 hours of straight driving for me. I would be going by myself. A plane ride from MI to NY is easily $600. Chicago is a train ride away- about 5? hours I think. Atlanta I think is closer to 15 hours away by car. I cant buy tickets for future events because I dont know where I'll be. My mom is sure I'll still be here in July (there's an artist actually coming to Detroit in July) so she feels like I could buy tickets for them. But then there are other groups who havent announced their dates and I would much rather see these other artists.

-I'm reading a book about Burnout and there's so much unknown while reading. I like to read and process and ponder and sometimes I jot down notes, I'm trying to relate it to my life and learn from it that way, but then again I'm thinking like "if its so easy to do these things, and I've done several of them, how did I get the way I did?" and several other questions like that (^that question kind of has an answer, it just wasnt the best fit obviously and that's okay, but just an example as I'm word vomiting)

I'm not stuck like I was a year+ ago (It'll have been a year since I quit my job in LITERALLY A WEEK), but I feel like I'm still stuck in the way that I STILL don't know what's next. I have ABSOLUTELY needed this time to heal from burn out, and have been so fortunate enough to be able to take this time and dip my toe into the world of working again. AND the indecision is difficult to live in. Especially in the current economy. That's another state of unknown and concern.

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movingonup-diary · 9 months ago

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I am so sad for my inner child. I literally feel so much grief for her, it’s my job to be the parent she deserves. My mum always had complex emotional needs that needed to be unpacked and rewired. Instead of getting the help she needed, I mean mental health was a myth in a Nigerian household, she instead made her children and husband attend to her emotional world. It’s so bad that my emotional world can only exist through an outpouring online, underneath the covers of my room or through overthinking. I find some much joy in experiencing the world with others but inside, am I happy? What does a happy internal world feel like?

I came into this relationship with a deep fear that I will be her toxic ex. Because I didn’t truly know myself. Now I know what that toxicity looks like. If I never met her, I would still have my friend. Somewhat, I’m resentful and grateful because all that was revealed was a side of my friend that I couldn’t accept. Her dark side is my trigger. To have my reality or side of the story denied because she’s too selfish to feel compersion for me. I don’t feel like I can trust people anymore. But do I have to? I trust God, humans will always be humans. Even me, this week I have been my intimidating shadow that has now scared my friends. But this shadow is how I speak with confidence and enter the spaces I am in. I am scared of no one. Especially not my mum. She needs me more than I need her. She’s already shown her hand many times. The only thing is I don’t learn into my power, the vindictive spirit I have to fuck up her toxic family system. I’m still protecting her from a total breakdown by staying tightly in my role. It’s my certainty. I fear uncertainty. What if I am harmed by others by trusting them too much?

But I am not a bitch. I will deal with the uncertainties of life by keep my principles. I don’t like being perceived as a people pleaser anymore. I like being perceived as reasonable, kind, forgiving, nurturing, helpful and a good confidant. But people pleaser no, everyone must proceed with their base lowered and ultimate guidance because I will cuss. This is also why I’m just not sure about the friendships in that group anymore. I would rather meet people one on one, people only cared about keeping up the dynamic than the fact my friend and I feel out. Did they even reach out to her to check on her? Yes I said mad shit but hearing her out does matter, even if I know she will lie. They thought I was asking her take sides, whereas I know I was taking a stand against her bullying someone with a chronic health issue and spreading a rumour and manipulation to get me to see my love interest in negative light for having her safe zones. Does the dynamic matter more than addressing bad behaviour head on? Than holding her accountable. That’s all I cared about. I assumed they had the same principles considering all the performance they do for celeb abusers. But maybe I’m projecting. But just fuck everyone. But I’m keeping the peace still. I will be investing more into my new relationships. Esp when it comes to work. I need to get into my mindstate of hustling and hustling hard. I know how to get everything going. I need to learn into everything with every fibre of my being. I don’t have time for friends that aren’t serious. That aren’t aligned with the greater mission to make a better world. They have failed the test fr.s

I think their anxiety comes from not being actually able to live up to my values. A lot of them do not support my work and it lowkey sucks. I let it be but I need more vitalising relationships, I am settling so so much. Even seeing my girl and her friends and how they pour into one another. Only very few people give me that. I need to invest more in strengthening this than reliance unfulfilling old dynamics. My roller skating club is the source of my enjoyment with friends and new friends. I am hanging out to the old rather than embracing the new where I get a lot of happiness. The old friendship dynamics is again this same thing if playing this role to reduce the anxieties of people with severe anxiety issues. They do not want to be perceived, I do want to be perceived because I want to be heard and listened to. I want to embody the voice of oppression as a powerful force change in perspectives. I want to guide the next generation of leaders. I want to open up the portals for the worlds healing through the processing of my own pain born of generations of abject poverty in Nigerian. I don’t aspire to stand on the shoulders of great leaders, I already am great by just existing, being where I am at, being alive.

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servin-up-surveys · 2 years ago

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survey #120

When was the last time you spent over $100 in one transaction? What did you buy? Uh... I don't remember? I'll do that soon though for my first tattoo appointment.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Would you judge a grown adult for doing so? No to both.

Would you rather read an erotic novel or watch an erotic film? I mean, honestly neither, but if I had to pick one it'd be a novel.

Do you still have both of your parents? Thankfully, yes.

Do you play video games? Yeah, but not nearly as much as I did as a kid and teenager.

Does your significant other boss you around a lot? Hell fucking no, he knows I wouldn't allow that and I also know he doesn't want to do that to me.

Have you ever been put to sleep for surgery? Twice, yeah. I recently learned that I WON'T be able to be put to sleep for my wisdom teeth extraction because it is just impossibly expensive for us, and one especially HAS to come out because it has a very deep cavity that is going to kill the tooth and cause me hell if it stays in.

[TW: SUICIDE] Have you ever attempted suicide? Yes.

Have you ever skipped class before? No, not just one specific class. I'd rarely skip school by staying home, almost only ever because of mental health or more rarely being absolutely insanely tired, but Mom normally wouldn't allow that. Oh, I think I also usually did get to stay home on my bday.

Who, in your life, makes you feel discouraged? Myself, more than absolutely anyone else. I don't let (other) people stay in my life anymore that do that to me.

Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Well, my grandmothers died of different cancers, but neither I was very close to at all (I actually hated Mom's mom) for multiple reasons. Did Dad's dad die of cancer too? I can't remember, but I barely knew him either.

Have you ever been in a car accident? Yeah, when I was way younger. We actually got real close to big trouble on the road Friday; we were the first in line at a stop light and across from us, an 18-wheeler carrying some metal stuff turned in front of us, but way too sharply, and he tipped entirely onto two wheels, very barely managing to get back upright. Both Mom and I nearly had a fucking heart attack and both of our anxieties were very elevated for a while, like she was about to shift the car into reverse to back the hell up.

What was the last film you watched, that made you feel emotional? I have no idea. I basically never watch movies.

Does anyone you know ever recommend books to you? No.

What traits/behaviors do your pets have, that you find cute? Strongest is Cookie's tendency to get EXTREMELY excited when she merely suspects Mom or both of us are leaving. She is crazy for car rides, and she'll immediately start running between us, pushing our legs, doing this weird hyperventilation thing chihuahuas do when they get so excited their tiny bodies basically can't handle it haha, and will jump right into her carrier and stare at Mom, waiting to be picked up. Cookie also tends to prefer toys that are bigger than her, and watching her try to beat up like her big sloth or cow is the cutest shit. As for Roman, when we get home, he'll saunter into the living room and just plop down onto the floor in this uniquely content way, like he's just happy we're home and wants to chill with us. He stretches out and will frequently start rolling around/playing on the floor basically, lol. Also since being a kitten, he loves to sleep like as close to my face as he can get, normally. Lastly, Venus. This isn't exactly super unique to a snake, but it's still cute: when I handle her, oftentimes she loves to try to go into my shirt to be against my skin and stay warmer (I'm very convinced this literally saved her life once in a power outage we had), and back when I used to use my laptop in bed, she was great about snuggling up against me and just chilling there for basically ever, lol. She's a sweet girl.

Is there anyone who "likes" a lot of your posts online, but you don’t talk? Yeah, ig.

What was the last song that you recall singing along to? Pretty sure it was "Love Stuck" by Mother Mother the other day.

Have you ever been in your kitchen naked? No.

This time last year, what was your relationship status? I was still with Girt.

Did you reject or accept your last friend request? Reject, I think. Pretty sure it was some random guy I'd never met and had no mutuals with, gotta love those.

Are you sure of your sexuality? I AM sure I'm at least queer, and while I'm quite certain I am specifically pansexual, I don't think I'd ever truly know until I had a legit sexual experience with a feminine person.

What was the last compliment that you got? The person who worked with me for PT today told me I did great.

Do you know anyone with a really weird name? In almost all cases, I don't like to think of names as "weird," because generally they are given with great love and consideration and are important to those who named them, so I think it's pretty mean to consider someone's name weird. Now yes, there are exceptions, there are rare cases where names are given carelessly or even as a "joke," but generally, you get my mindset.

Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? Basically.

What’s the worst hangover you’ve ever had? I've never had one, actually.

Who in your family are you closest to? My mom.

Ever sat in someone’s lap because there were no more seats in a vehicle? I remember doing this with Jason once.

What do you tend to drink a lot of? Flavored carbonated water.

If you were going out for a meal, what restaurants would you typically AVOID going to? Seafood and foreign, generally. There are times I'm fine with some foreign food, but on your average day, if you ask where I wanna go, I'm gonna pick American cuisine.

Name a song you enjoy that’s in a language other than English. Basically Rammstein's entire discography lmao but for this question I'm gonna go with "Zeit," I think the vocals are fucking fantastic and sincerely beautiful in it. I feel like German has a rep for being an ugly-sounding language, which I don't agree with in general, but I cannot imagine someone calling the vocals "ugly" in that one.

Did you ever have head lice as a child? Quite positive no.

Do you like/listen to Queen? Do you have a favourite song by them? I adore Queen; Freddie Mercury is my favorite vocalist to ever live. This is probably like, EVERYONE'S answer, but I adore "Bohemian Rhapsody," but also "Killer Queen" and "Headlong" are high up on the list.

Do you have any idea when you’ll next attend a wedding? Whose will it be? Nope, but if I had to guess I really do think it's probably gonna be my own lmao. Girt visited his grandmother two days back and she's officially joined the party of asking when we're getting married haha.

What was the best job you’ve ever had? I've never had a job I even liked.

Do you have a troublesome medical condition? Above all, severe depression and anxiety. My AvPD is also very noteworthy with how it affects my life, and I still deal with the effects of relationship trauma. OH, I was so focused on my mental stuff that I almost forgot uh hey, my leg health also MAJORLY affects my life and what I can do, etc. Lastly, my weight plays a massive part in my poor self-image and super severely contributes to my depression.

Magenta, aqua, or coral? Coral; I consider that my second-favorite color. I love all of these, though.

Do you like the color orchid? Yes! I love basically every conceivable shade of pink, haha.

Would you rather be a wedding photographer or a nature photographer? It's my literal dream to be a nature photographer. Once upon a time I was aiming for wedding photographer, but only for the pay; I'm just not social enough for that shit.

Have you ever had an ulcer? None other than those you sometimes get in your mouth from like, biting your cheek.

Do you enjoy writing essays? I actually do, quite a lot.

What is your favorite name that starts with a "Z?" Probably Zane.

Do you believe that God’s plans for you are better than you could ask, think, or imagine? "God's" plan involves giving kids cancer and allowing pre-teen girls to be knocked up by rapists, fuck his "plans."

Would you want your first child to be a girl or a boy? If I decide I want children, I want a girl so much more than a boy that I'd almost be tempted to do IVF so long as my husband was still the biological dad, I've no idea how the rules of that process work. Super unlikely I'd actually do it though because I don't care quite enough to invest money in that.

Do you think you have what it takes to be a good salesperson? I've been in this position and I can ASSURE you I am the worst salesperson imaginable lmao.

Which name do you like better: Jessica or Jennifer? Jessica.

To you, what is especially distracting? People talking when I'm trying to count something. I physically cannot do it. Numbers just DO NOT store in my damn brain.

Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? Nope.

Who do you go to when you need comfort? Mostly Girt or Mom. Sometimes Tez and Mazzy.

Has anyone you know started a new job recently? Do they seem to enjoy it? Uh I feel like somebody has, but idr who.

Have you seen a butterfly at any time recently? No.

Have you drunk any fruit-flavored beverages today? Yes; the water I drink is usually strawberry-flavored.

What carbonated beverages do you have in your fridge at the moment? None, not even my aforementioned waters right now.

Has anyone you know got into a new relationship lately? Um maybe, idk.

Do you have any sisters? How is your relationship with them? Ashley, Nicole, Katie, and Misty. Katie and Misty don't live here and I barely ever see them, but I am A LOT like Katie (more than any of my other siblings) so connect to her a lot, though we don't talk enough. I like Misty enough, but she can also be incredibly fucking stupid and self-important as hell. I get along fine with Ashley and Nicole too, but we also don't talk a lot and I've never in my mature life known how to properly interact/connect with them. Nicole and I were very close as kids, but not anymore.

What was your favourite class in high school? Art.

Do you have any plans to buy any furniture in the near future? No.

Do you know anyone who has a matching tattoo with someone? (including yourself)? I'm sure I know more than I think I do. I know Ashley and her husband Nick got each other's first initial tattooed on their ring fingers on their honeymoon. Colleen and I each got "ohana" tattoos dedicated to each other (which I now want to rip directly off my fucking skin, especially when you consider I don't even believe in unnecessary loyalty to family just because they're family), but they were styled entirely differently and in different spots.

What type of milk do you like to drink? Either 1%, 2%, or whole.

Do you have a first aid kit at home? Yeah.

Are your parents dog or cat people? Is that different or the same as you? I know Mom's a dog person, and I think Dad is too. Since leaving us though he's never owned another, just cats because of Kim, and he's loved both of them very much.

Are there sounds that bother you on a visceral level? Vomiting.

Would you ever get a matching tattoo with someone? I will never, ever, get another tattoo that will lose meaning if that person leaves my life. It's a terrible fucking decision. I'm perfectly fine with getting one with somebody that will still be a perfectly relevant, important tattoo to me if our relationship spoils, though.

What would be worse for you, unplanned pregnancy or cancer? Gah, I guess cancer, but both would fucking suck. I'm pretty sure the abortion I would inevitably get would traumatize me, but cancer could straight-up kill me.

Have you ever popped another person’s zit? oh my fucking god no

Have you ever told a friend to dump their SO? Did they? Yes, and eventually, yes. She was my best friend and her boyfriend (who I knew via school) was an ABSOLUTE piece of shit. Summer's always had a thing for people who aren't good for her... Even now, her partner she's been with for many, many years is complete trash, but it really does look like they're staying together no matter what.

What do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else? Generally lip kinds.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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medicinemane · 2 years ago

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My mom's in a fucking toddler throwing tantrums mood about shit

Like I don't care about whatever shit's going on in your head (especially cause this morning you force me to be therapist then snap at me for saying not the perfect thing)

Clearly I'm fucked in the head myself, you here know literally better than anyone else the state I'm always in

You can't let it get in the way though, as in you have to fucking take care of shit regardless of how you're doing

Here her down there yelling and cussing (which... not great for my mental health due to the past), well the shitty curtain rods had come down, and instead of just getting me to put them back up she's trying to do it herself

I don't care that you feel bad about getting old, fucking do the division of the labor in a way that makes sense. You literally can't do this, you're in the way by trying. You want to be useful, go through shit like I always ask you to, that helps me infinitely more than you putting up a curtain rod

Is this callous? Absolutely. Anyone else I'd have more sympathy for, but barring my grandma anyone else hasn't treated me like shit and told me no one could ever love me (not incorrect, but unacceptable to tell a kid)

You feel like shit because you missed an email about getting into an anthology? That sucks, but you can't just wallow

There's not a day that goes by when I don't feel like trash. Your parents made you feel guilty about not being able to work? Fucking shocking but they did the same to me, and I've never managed a paid job (only volunteer and clinicals stuff), but I just fucking swallow those feelings and stick to the plan

I feel like shit about not bringing in an income, but getting the place cleaned up has to come before making money, especially since any plan I tried would still be half cocked. I but my damn feelings aside and focus on what brings stability

She's a fucking bringer of chaos cause she never stops and thinks, she nearly lost her disability because she got the great idea to apply for an old job she would have had to drive 2 hours to and get a hotel that pays less then her disability does

Dipshit, you may not like it, but the disability is your job at this point. Help out around the house if you want something to do that actually adds value. I keep asking you for that one thing, and you keep wasting time on shit that doesn't pay but "might someday" because otherwise you might be a failure

Well here's the news, you are. You're a burden. You're a millstone. You treated me like shit growing up, you destroyed my ability to be close to family, you made me even more isolated than I was already inclined to be, and now I have to let you live with me... what's to be done?

Get a therapist or get your shit together on your own. Stop making it my problem. Suck it up and just ask for help. You want to do something? Get the mail so I'm not straining myself to get it when my insomnia is bad. There's shit you can do that would help, but you refuse to do it, and instead you wail and throw fits cause you can't do shit you feel inferior for not being able to do

You gave me terrible self esteem, you and your parents have made me feel like trash. What I say about here is a small fraction of what I actually think, but it doesn't matter

Nothing gets fixed unless I keep moving forward. It probably can't change me not being able to get the one thing I want, but my house is a miles better situation than anything I've had before, and there's so much more I can get and make better about my life

Fucking quite making me emotionally regulate you. You made me do that so much when I was little that... I don't know... doesn't put me in a fucking good place when I have to do it

The kitchen was clean till you fucked it up, almost all of the mess I have to go through is your shit. You put your emotional regulation on me

How about instead of worrying if you've gotten physically weak, which while I'm all for doing practical stuff like psychical therapy style exercises, the fact is you can't meaningfully change... how about instead of that you do shit that you can do and that would really make a difference?

But no, you're from your family, and the only reason I don't use that last name like an insult right now is to avoid doxxing myself. It's a trash lineage cause you and your parents are assholes

Many things wrong with me, but at least I never had a kid, treated them like trash, let my parents really really treat them like trash, and then forced them to raise me and take care of me

You want to stop being pathetic? Start there, start by just handling your shit, and then just get me to fix the curtain rod instead of doing shit that sends me back to real bad times, and then I have to fix it anyway

#mm tag so i can find things later

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ghost-bxrd · 11 months ago

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For the names I must admit I am partial to Shrike and Morn (Morn and Mourn are awesome because depending on whether you’re innocent or a vampire/criminal you know exactly which he is for you). And Shrike… well, impaling your victims. Need I say more?

Tbh if we’re talking vigilante ID I would suspect that Damian might not care very much what the people in Gotham call him. He does his job. He protects his family. He wouldn’t care if the entirety of the populace started calling him Teddybear (at least until he recovers from all the trauma enough to be petty and prideful again hehe). So maybe Gotham as a whole dubs him the “Shadow” for a while (because nobody every really sees him) and it’s through the help of Timbers and Jason (“You can’t NOT have a cool vigilante name, Damian! No way!”) that Dami is coerced into adopting one.

6. Y E S you have no idea how much I LIVE for the concept of unfounded fears (because Dami would literally rather die than do that). And those night terrors could translate into him obsessively checking up on Jay and Tim in the middle of the night and absolutely going apeshit whenever they don’t pick up their phones/respond over comms within a few seconds.

Jason and Tim both are very indulgent and try their best to reassure Dami when he has an episode (aggressive cuddling and pulse checking ensues), but they’re still only children and sometimes forget.

Cue: more than once Batman and Robin/Nightwing have to deal with a feral vigilante?assassin?antihero? going from relatively composed to absolutely batshit insane (pun absolutely intended)

7. Yes. Just yes. There are some complications with Jason’s preference for medium rare steaks but as long as he doesn’t have to cook it himself Dami is fine.

8. Talia is disturbed by this version of her son. She thought this was what she wanted. Her son, grown up, dangerous and strong and capable of conquering countries if he sets his mind to it. But she also realizes that Damian has been living in a veritable nightmare for years on end, that it traumatized him so thoroughly she can scarcely find that wondrous light she so adores seeing in her infant child’s eyes, and that if her son’s prowess in battle comes at the price of his mental health and stability… she is unwilling to pay it.

Her mission has changed from “intel gathering” to “bonding and (best case scenario) providing a modicum of stability”

9. I cackling like a cottage witch. Damian would absolutely raze the court to the ground. They don’t only pose a threat to himself, something that he might have been able to live with, but Jason and Tim? Hell no. No compromised where they are concerned. Ever.

10. Timmy getting some revenge for his parents’ neglect will always have a special place in my heart. And Jason is definitely vindictive enough to encourage him.

11. Tim’s moral flexibility never really stood to question, especially where his loved ones are concerned. Damian? He probably simply informed Tim of his plans and gave him the option to help with hacking Arkham’s security lol.

(Jason might be kept in the dark about this for some time because at this point he’s still mostly an innocent little bean who doesn’t like murder?)

12. And 13. Dick is scarred for life and Damian sends his mother a thank you gift.

14. Yes. No more words needed for that point.

15. Have Damian and Dickie work through their problems with the help of Tim and Jason

Prompt:

Damian, who has just lost the last member of his family, goes off the deep end and, in a fit of violent rage, goes tumbling through a portal and back in time.

Jason doesn’t know how the scary guy with the gunshot wound became his problem but he’s not heartless enough to leave him to bleed out beside some dumpster in Crime Alley.

#brainstorming #prompts #dick grayson #Damian wayne #Damian al ghul #Jason todd #Talia al ghul #Tim drake #Bruce Wayne #Batman #dc comics #fic #Robin

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pinky369 · 2 years ago

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It would be different if they didn’t really highlight mental health on the show with anyone, but it’s the fact that they acknowledge it and use mental health as a driving point of why people should watch cause they wanna highlight mental health within the black community especially and show empathy to everyone that struggles with all types of mental illnesses/disorders (and AS THEY SHOULD cause that’s VERY important and necessary to show, especially in the black community as there’s still so many stigmas)

So what’s really disappointing is that they completely disregard Olivia when it comes to mental health and she’s a character that struggles with so many. They tell that POV with Layla, Spencer, Jordan, even the parents when Spencer suggested that Grace go see Dr. Spears and Billy and Laura had that family therapy session (that was more so for them). Olivia has been through an overdose (and was taken advantage of by someone the night of that overdose), went through rehab alone and came back alone with no support. Felt neglected/overlooked by her family and loved ones (and that’s cause she was). Her whole journey is finding and utilizing her voice and carving out her own diet and not being tied to someone/something else. Then, she literally went through A WHOLE SHOOTING where not only she was shot at and almost died, but her best friend got shot in front of her and almost died, had to keep him from dying, had his blood all over her and had PTSD from it by not being able to sleep and being scared by loud sounds in public. Then she went through a whole relapse and you didn’t even go into what led her into her relapse and blamed her for it and then the whole tamika Pratt situation and getting harassed by the cops. Now, she got swatted and had been harassed in person, online and over the phone and is losing everything and getting stress/anxiety from work, etc. and you mean to tell me this isn’t mentally damaging to anyone ?? Especially since she hasn’t healed through any of it ??? And you’re going to blatantly ignore it ???

And to make matters worse, he literally said that she had this “addictive energy” and is “disruptive” and they use that for drama and that’s so disgusting to me cause that’s going to show that you have no respect for anyone who may or does struggle with addiction and only use it as a plot point instead of using it to tell a story and spread awareness and teach people to have empathy and MUCH MORE PEOPLE need to call out the writers for that and also them literally using SA as a plot device to make drama and/or push two people together for a ship and they did that TWICE. Sam and Olivia deserves SO MUCH BETTER, especially knowing that Sam is such a huge advocate for mental health as she hosted a podcast talking about mental health within the youth and had been open about her own struggles with mental health and is even more passionate about Olivia and spelivia than we are and IT SUCKS

and don’t even get me started on how they keep dismissing Simone more and more in favor of a lightskinned ship (but if you seen my other posts, you know I’ve already gotten started on that and how their colorism along with the fans’ very REEKING colorism is VERY MUCH SHOWING). Geffri/ Simone also deserves SO MUCH BETTER.

#all american #all american homecoming #simone hicks #olivia baker #geffri maya #samantha logan #spelivia #the writers need to be called out #freaking terrible #apparently mental health isn’t important all the time as it should be #they’re freaking gross #likeforlikes #like #love #tumblr #tumblrgirl

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radioactivebowtie · 2 years ago

Text

In the depths of night, I realized that I never wrote a dedicated post for Finn and Reagan’s lil relationship?? Not very fair for it to only be discussed in big long posts about other stuff when others get their own if you ask me!

Warnings: Rand Ridley is in this- (I’m so sorry) -Like very toxic parental relationships, and mental health issues (code for project jellybean being mentioned) Other than that just spoilers for the show and mayhap references to other posts you can find on my blog?

Ok! So I have mentioned in my post about project Jellybean (And how it would affect Finn and such-) that Finn and Reagan used to be friends. I do however have an amendment to that- They absolutely acted more like let’s say,,, partners, something like we could say we are dating and you wouldn’t bat an eye, that kinda shit.

So something about the fact that these two were close enough to shatter Finn’s heart when they think Reagan doesn’t remember them, or that they weren’t important enough or something is just SCREAMING- “We had a fucking dope friendship and Reagan was basically adopted into our family!” Isn’t like it would be the first adoption-

But even despite that, JR would absolutely eat these two up? It would be pleasing for him to know that Reagan genuinely wants to be Finn’s friend, unlike the kids who go to their school. So she would be over all the time, whether or not he would tell Rand the real reason is debatable.

OK so I don’t like Rand who does?? BUT he would actually have some part in this unfortunately so let’s get this sorted.

So Finn just wants to hang out with Reagan, and Reagan wants to hang out with another friend who likes them for them and treats her like her actual age. And let’s be honest, JR knows Rand isn’t the best with kids, especially his own

So when Finn comes to him literally BEGGING to have a sleepover with her?

HE ABSOLUTELY LIES SO THAT HIS BABY CAN BE HAPPY!

So Finn and Reagan act like she just lives there with them, like she is their best friend and just do regular kid stuff!! It helps to make them feel normal.

So they make dinner! And then have to get someone on the staff to make it because WOWZA can Finn ruin a fucking meal- Everything they try and cook burns so fast ISTG

They watch movies and cartoons in their jammies! Filling the entirety of downstairs with joyous and genuine laughter.

And honestly? JR treats her better, He enjoys seeing Finn so happy, and even if he has to lie to make it happen - honestly not that big of a deal-breaker - He absolutely will, he will do it as many times as they need him to.

So, when Finn isn’t sneaking Reagan over somehow for a sleepover? Finn is hanging out with her in the still, somewhat empty halls that are outside of their dad’s offices. Reagan has her nose buried in whatever textbook she has for her class and Finn is desperately scribbling in their math homework Albeit mostly with Reagan’s help- But Finn brings her candy, specifically sour patch kids!

It is the most Reagan candy and you cannot convince me otherwise

So Finn is sharing candy with her in the hallway, head-bopping to Sk8ter Boi by Avril Lavigne the year after it came out. Singing along happily and off-key to the song playing through their iPod mini, a single earbud in one of their ears each. Only pausing when Reagan throws it out of her ear the moment Rand comes into the hallway to make sure she’s doing her work.

But then it happens, Finn is just barely out of Fifth grade when it happens. Fresh out of elementary school and- now their missing their friend.

Finn knows how hard it is for them to make school friends, especially now that Cognito is really getting off the ground and their fathers’ reputation seems to mean more to the kids in their private school than Finn’s feelings and friendship, But it gets even worse when all of a sudden they aren’t allowed to see Reagan.

Now Finn isn’t stupid by any means, but they weren’t ever going to guess the real reason why Reagan didn’t remember them or could no longer talk! And there was no way in HELL that JR was about to try and explain to his 12-year-old kid who is already very traumatized that he isn’t going to bring Finn to Cognito or anywhere NEAR Rand now that he’s seen how he treats Reagan.

And especially not after Reagan suddenly doesn’t remember Finn. He doesn’t even mean to find out, it was inevitable though. JR asking her passively how she’s doing and whether or not she’d like to come over to study with Finn.

His eyes widen and his heart drops to his stomach when she asks who that is. He can’t get an answer out of Rand, the room full of smoke from Rand’s god-awful cigarettes. He goes home early that day, taking Finn out for Ice cream but not telling them why. It’s awful to have to lie to his kid, he knows it’s fucked up. He doesn’t give a shit about lying to the public, but this is his kid! They’ve been through hell and back because of him! They deserve better than this, better from him.

So even if Finn is confused and missing their friend? They don’t know what they can do about it so, they just,, continue on.

They go to school and talk to people, but none of them are as nice and genuine with Finn as Reagan. But they make it work. They keep playing soccer and doing their work and before they know it, they see that Reagan’s already passed college, already heading to the finale, working at Cognito.

They remember it was something they had talked about as kids, popping sugary candy into their mouths as they watched cartoons on the couch in their living room. Reagan’s smart, they both know that. No matter how normal Finn treats her it’s hard not to notice the friend your age being in high school before you’ve hit middle school. So when Reagan tells Finn that their dads letting her work in the company Finn’s totally excited for them! It’s just that,, they just don’t think they’ll make it there. They know they COULD get in just by asking their dad but that felt like cheating, no matter HOW much they’d want to work with Reagan. How much fun they think it’d be.

So, when they see she did make it, and that she’s doing super well with the stuff she’s been good at for as long as Finn can remember is exciting. And then once they graduate JR asks if they want to work at Cognito- and Finn hesitates? They kind of did? But they didn’t think they deserved to? But they tell him as long as it’s for something they’d be good at and they have to actually apply. No special treatment. So they - and by they I mean JR - trial Finn in a bunch of different areas, and while none of them quite fit they all notice something.

Finn notices things, really specific things that others would probably not? Like they can’t focus, something that’s very much not a new problem. But the stuff they notice during the parts where they can’t focus on the main thing that they’re supposed to be working on is shocking. Finn will just casually know who’s walked by and can probably say all their names, they can tell you how many times someone would get up during a meeting to get water, and they will know the exact time someone will turn into the media manipulation hall when they try learning in there. So, they put them into the security team! And Finn does great! They keep tabs on everyone in a way anyone else barely anyone understands if they’re honest. But they get the job! Fulfilling half of their childhood dream to work at Cognito with Reagan.

But then they figure out what the power of the cameras bring. The chance to see their old childhood bestie in action!! They see a lot of people on the cameras sure - A true people watcher at heart - But now they get to pretend that they both did it together, like sure! Technically they are co-workers, the plan still happened! They just didn’t get there the way they intended to. And they very much assumed they would be working together which didn’t end up happening either. So instead, Finn sits on the sidelines in their monitor office, watching the gang and cheering them on! They respond to any audio they can pick up as if they were there and are in a constant state of “GO RAE GO!!”

But then they actually cross paths.

And despite how it totally may seem, it doesn’t go great- fuckin shocker

So okay, Finn will absolutely not clock onto the fact that something has been done to Reagan- We cannot blame them, Rand is too evil for their sweet mind -So Finn is sad when she introduces herself. Just like she was a stranger, as if Finn didn’t already know them. And honestly, as sad as it is. They just assume that Reagan forgot about them? Finn’s mind just assumes that they weren’t important enough, and it isn’t like JR goes waving around that their related so that wouldn’t help them. Plus they don’t exactly look like the tiny feminine brunette they used to be anymore. none of this is true-

But they can’t prove that their theories are wrong? Because even if they did ask Reagan she would have no fucking clue what they were talking about. So Finn doesn’t say anything in fear that if they do Reagan will just stop talking to them fully, thinking they’ll annoy her away again. So Finn’s just being themselves, overly excitable and talkative. Reagan thinks Finn is nosey, but they do their job.

Finn shows up in Reagan’s office a lot. Something that annoys Reagan to no end, at least at the beginning! So in the beginning there were some missteps! Like Finn going to touch something and Reagan throwing something at them to try and stop them, or Finn overstepping personal boundaries and trying to act like they did when they were kids! Something that probably would have been fine if Reagan actually remembered them- Something that Finn is aware of they do not blame Reagan and they have adjusted to her needs and wants - And eventually Reagan just expects them to show up at some point in the day? It feels weirder when they don’t stop in at all if she’s honest. But she can’t tell you why

And she guesses that Finn doesn’t really do anything? They just talk? Like a lot. It becomes some honestly really nice white noise while Reagan works on stuff? And Finn doesn’t really mind if Reagan isn’t fully listening while they talk! They don’t really need that, for them being around Reagan again is enough. Sometimes Finn brings Reagan little gifts? Reagan definitely appreciates them, even if she’s unsure how Finn knew her favorite kind of candy? She doesn’t think that she’s ever mentioned that she likes sour patch kids?

At least she doesn’t remember doing so-

Finn doesn’t explain it to her until y’know, The mindscape trip. Suddenly all the things Finn does and did do in the “beginning” of their interactions. Even the little things, like the candy and the nicknames, start making more sense.

But there’s a lot going on and neither of them has literally any time to figure out their friendship issues when Reagan’s worried about the fact that her entire childhood is a lie and that Rand has taken over the company, and Finn has to worry about the fact that their dad might now be dead and that they may now have lost their only family for the second time. Y’know just their worlds being on fire.

So instead, they don’t talk about it until it’s at least a little calmed. I mean nothing is correct or fixed. But when they do get to have an actual talk it absolutely is full of tears? Finn is overwhelmed and happy okay. Reagan remembers them! She remembers all the things that they used to do! Finn doesn't feel fucking insane anymore! Even if they now have a million more reasons they want to both die and absolutely throttle Rand fucking Ridley.

But eventually, they would have some talks? Like, the first few are tenser. Finn’s still dealing with losing their dad and Reagans still reeling over basically her entire childhood and the fact that her dad is now running Cognito inc. something that she had thought was her dream since she was little. Both are what would be described as a more than reasonable excuse to ignore your relationship issues! So when they do get to actually have that talk that kind of, explains the feelings and emotions that they’ve been feeling since y’know childhood.

It honestly goes well? Like at the very least, better than either of them was expecting? I don’t think that it would change much at all if I’m honest,,

They both talk and Finn discusses how they felt while Reagan didn’t remember them. But I might go over their talk in another post-

Okay,,, that’s all for now,,,, I spent a month or two on that I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did <3

#This was honestly really fun #Like I love these two sm #Reagan deserves so much like ISTG #Mwuah #I kith her #we can eat lucky charms and watch cartoons #I love them sm ISTG #AND I FUCKING LOVE WRITING LORE #LIKE JESUS #THIS WAS SM FUN #OKOK IM ACTUALLY GONNA POST IT #inside job oc #inside jobsona #inside job sona #The Lockbox📼🔓

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years ago

Note

While a positivity blog is great, posing it in opposition with the "call-out" blog immediately devalues it. The one person who was called out on that account (the original one) was an adult sexualizing teenagers who blocked anyone who tried to tell her that what she was doing was harmful. It makes it seem like you're trying to support adults who sexualize minors.

There's no way to "communicate" with someone who blocks anyone who tries to "call" them "in". a call out is a statement that this type of behavior isn't acceptable and a promise to make the fandom a safer space for teenagers.

I asked very respectfully not to send me follow up questions on this matter. Because this whole "call out" thing had been weighing on my mental health.

But once again, I keep getting dragged into this.

This my response to every ask I've gotten regarding this matter over the last few days. The asks I've been ignoring because it's not my place to give an opinion on this. Or rather, I do not have to. I don't have an obligation to do so.

But here we are.

The very reason I find the call out blog problematic is because of a sentence you said in your ask.

You mentioned that because I find the call out blog problematic and I quote "it makes it seem like you're trying to support adults who sexualize minors."

This is the problem.

The call out is not the problem. It's the way in which they are being called out.

Over the last few days, I've seen tsc blogs, for the lack of a better word, being "investigated". Posts dug from the past, follower lists analysed, screenshots posts and shared in public.

This is not a call out. A call out refers to interpersonal confrontations occurring between individuals on social media. In theory, call-outs should be very simple – someone does something wrong, people tell them, and they avoid doing it again in the future.

Now I understand you mentioned an individual refused to listen. I will not comment on that - since I do not know this individual personally or how they reacted. I do not prefer to talk about people I don't know personally. Neither the people calling them out - or the person being called out.

But what I can tell you is that when you call out someone, it only works when you point out why they are wrong, not what what they are doing is wrong. So, instead of calling someone a pedophile, it is essential to explain how their behaviour impacts you or your peers. It is important to address this issue in the larger fandom, not just by spamming one person's ask box. Because this issue is greater than one blog.

The reason why I don't condone this call out blog is because it is so easily possible to get carried away and overpunish people, turning alleged perpetrators of upsetting acts into victims themselves. The moral high ground people stand on evolves from calling out to public shaming of individuals.

I am requesting this entire fandom to rethink your actions and to reevaluate your choices. All of you.

It breaks my heart that you would say that I support adults who sexualise minors when have spent my whole adult life protecting children from such people. It is literally my job.

I recently saw one of my dearest friends being called "homophobic" because they support Jace - because Jace 'outed' Alec and therefore those who support Jace are also homophobic. It really hurt because I know the struggles my friend had to go through in order to protect themselves from their own homophobic family.

It makes me so sad and yet so angry that you are not aware of the consequences your words have on people.

People who make such claims. You seem to forget that we live in a digital world now. You all seem to forget that we are living through a pandemic. We study online. We work online. We entertain ourselves online.

So when you shame people online so callously, it can affect irreparable damage on their professional lives. It can ruin their mental health. It can impact their families.

While the intention of the callout blog - and those who support it - might be honest, the way in which they are achieving their goal is incredibly harmful for people in this fandom regardless of whether they are guilty or not.

I want to point out that this call out blog achieves nothing. It doesn't root out the pedophilia and sexism that exists on Tumblr - or in the fandom. The call out blog does't achieve anything. I'm sorry. It had to be said. The only thing this blog achieve is spreading a culture of shame, fear and stigma in the tsc fandom.

So, I urge you to rethink your actions and reevaluate your methods.

I do not believe in giving bland advice. So, as someone who works on these issues, allow me to point you in an healthier and more effective decision.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

If the goal is "a promise to make the fandom a healthier space for teenagers" then you are doing it wrong. I say this as someone who works on creating healthy spaces for teenagers. It's up to you whether you want to listen to me or not.

But you are going about it wrong. Here is what you can do instead.

1. What we are doing wrong? Currently, you seem to be focusing on the people - not the issue. If you want to make the space feel safe, you need to address the root cause. What differentiates a call-out from bullying is that it shouldn’t be about punishing someone for something they have done, rather it should be about establishing a new pattern of behavior. In other words, when someone calls you out they want you to start showing through your actions that you care about the issue you’ve been called out on. So, show that you care about the issue.

2. How do we show we care? Focus on the teenagers. You are focusing on the wrong group of people. Cancelling out someone or calling out a blog or getting someone to deactivate is not going to make teenagers feel safe. Trust me on this. You need to address the issue to the victims. You need to ASK THEM how they want to be feel safe. While your method might work for you, it might not be what everyone wants. It might not make everyone feel safe. So, talk to your peers. What is it that you can do for your own community? Is it writing an email to CC about this issue in the fandom? Is it addressing it in a larger platform like a magazine or YouTube? Is it reaching to Tumblr and talking to them about doing their job and enforcing the community guidelines efficiently? THIS is how you fix the problem - not by chasing people out when you find them to be problematic.

3. Why are you complicating this? Why can't we just call people out? Because then you will only be addresing the symptoms, not the root cause. I understand that most of you are minors and therefore will not have the same awareness about how the system works or don't ahem access to same resources and opportunities we adults do. But unfortunately, it is our reality. We all live online. We all need to educate ourselves and do better.

I'm sharing an excellent resource here which was developed by UN WOMEN in 2021 to speficially tackle the issue of bullying, disinformation and hate speech experienced by youth - especially young women. It's a free online course that helps you learn this topic better. It even gives you a certificate from the organization.

I am ALL for calling people out as long as you do it the right way. So, if you want to be a warrior on Tumblr, if you want to protect your peers, if you want to create a safe space, you need to learn how to do it the right way. Otherwise, like most social activists, you are doing more bad than good. Your attempts to create a better world only lead to more chaos and pain.

4. I still don't understand. Then here is a simply answer. I hope this helps.

Please make better choices. Be conscious of how your actions online affect people both in digital and offline spaces.

You are allowed to fight for your safety. You are allowed to fight for your rights. But you are not allowed to hurt another person to prove your point. Then your whole initiative becomes counterproductive.

You need to be more aware. You need think more critically.

Finally and most importantly - I once again ask that you do not drag me into this. I am not the president of this fandom. I am not your parent. While it is my job to create awareness and work on online safety, I am not on tumblr to be an activist. This is my safe space. This is my comfort space. This is where I come to take my mind off all the stressful and heartbreaking things I have to work on as an activist. I am here to shit post like most people. I do not have to teach you to be decent or how to be sensible or how to be kind. That is the job of the education system and your family.

I'm sorry those around you have failed you and it has come to this. I only hope you do not fail yourself.

Make better choices.

Love, Dani.

#tsc fandom #tsc #cyber bullying

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servin-up-surveys · 2 years ago

Text

survey #093

(taken december 24th last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Would you rather have another job? I wish I had *A* job. It's gotten so deep under my fuckin skin but I just don't know of any position I could handle.

Did you ever live in a house with more than one story? No.

What room of your home do you spend most time in? The spare room where I keep my laptop at a desk.

Is your second toe longer than your big toe? They're really the same length, I think.

Have you ever given yourself a tattoo? No, and I wouldn't. I'm leaving that to professionals.

Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. I don't/can't buy my own clothes anyway, she literally buys everything I wear.

Do you have health insurance? I have Medicaid, even though I'm technically too old for it while being under my parents' names. My mom went through fucking hell to keep me on it.

What are some medical issues you’re currently dealing with? My weight and the extreme weakness in my legs, above all. Then there's loads of mental/emotional stuff, mostly centering around my sub-zero amount of self-worth and how it's affecting various areas of my life.

Why did you last take pain medication? I had a bad headache.

What physical traits have you inherited from your father? Uh... I don't know. I have a habit of pacing like he does (or at least, I did when standing wasn't excruciating), but idk if that counts.

How about your mother? Her height, kinda her hair, and our metabolism is very similar. As I've gotten older I also think my skin is coming to look more like hers, especially my arms, full of little dots and stuff.

What personality traits do you wish your children would inherit from you? In that hypothetical world, I'd most of all want them to have big hearts that care a lot about people like I very genuinely do. I know I'd also be HORRIBLY disappointed if they didn't like animals, but I would absofuckinglutely raise my kids from literal infancy to enjoy and respect the presence of all animals. I'd also want them to be resilient and able to bounce back and just keep going no matter what, which I honestly feel is a very strong trait among my family members.

What parts of the world are your ancestors from? Germany, Ireland, and Poland that we know of. I don't think any of us really know Dad's heritage.

Have you ever had a strange pet, outside of the normal animals people keep? I mean, I've had a good number of reptiles, but I think they're pretty accepted as rather "normal" these days.

Do you believe in astrology? Absolutely not.

Do you drive an electric car? No, we could absolutely never afford that.

What are your opinions on global warming? It is a major fucking issue people NEED to take more seriously, because otherwise we ARE going to make this planet inhabitable.

Do you like facial hair on guys or do you prefer the clean shaven look? I'm entirely capable of liking either. It depends on the guy.

Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney, lol.

Are you good with kids? It's funny, I NEVER think I am, I feel like I'm so super awkward around them, but historically kids have really liked me. Mom thinks it's because I'm more of a "fun" adult that is just able to connect with kids' interests and desires more than most. I'm so far from a "serious" adult.

Are you usually late, early, or right on time? Right on time or early. My mom takes me everywhere, so it's really up to her.

Are you good at applying makeup? NO. My tremors make it very difficult, and plus my vision is just so bad that even with a close-up mirror, without my glasses on? It's a struggle to see everything as clearly as I need.

Do you like pastel colored hair? FUCKING YES and I wish my goddamn hair would TAKE COLOR PROPERLY so I could do it, ugh.

What do you think about the most? Probably Girt, honestly.

Do you like to see it snowing outside? YES!! Ugh I hope we get some this year.

Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? No. This reminds me that I still wanna get an LGBTQ+ flag to hang in my room like at the head of my bed or something.

Have you ever been in a choir? When I was a kid going to a Catholic church/school, my sisters and I were in the choir for a while. I was also in chorus during elementary school.

Do you look older or younger than you actually are? People always think I'm younger.

When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? Probably never, really.

Where did you spend your last birthday at? My house as well as The Cheesecake Factory with my mom, boyfriend, and two sisters.

What was the last show that you watched a full episode of? Girt and I have resumed our Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives bingeing. 🥴 That show always makes us hungry as fuck lmao.

Is there anything you need to work on doing soon? I'm probably going to finish my nature photography class later today. I gotta read a bit and then do the final exam and I should be done.

Were you ever a boy or girl scout? As a child, yes.

Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? I have meds that I have to take at both times.

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? Well I have two Cloak shirts, which is Markiplier and jacksepticeye's business. There are YTers whose merch I do want though.

What is the best type of donut? It depends on what I'm up for, really. Sometimes I like chocolate frosted, sometimes glazed, sometimes cake/plain...

Do you like thrift stores? YES. We haven't been to one in many years, but you can find the coolest, most niche stuff.

What is your town known for? Crime, literally. I'm not kidding at all, it's infamous for it. Hearing there was a shooting somewhere will barely make you bat an eye after you live here long enough.

Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks? No, I don't even go there, though.

What color is your lava lamp? I don't have one, but I wish I did. I'd totally get a pink one.

Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? I liked the angel kitty, lol. Sometimes I think I might get a Lisa Frank-styled tattoo.

What’s your favorite movie that you remember seeing in the theater? Uh, Logan was really good. Idk if it's been my favorite, but that's one that comes to mind.

Do you know anyone who has ten cats? I can absolutely promise you that my sister's mother-in-law has well past ten. Their yard is littered with cats and even have some inside that have entirely destroyed the upstairs/made it inhabitable. I try so hard to be understanding because growing up MY house was infested with outdoor cats I was so attached to that just kept breeding and breeding, but it's so problematic in multiple ways. Something needs to be done about it.

Have you ever had a cat? ^ Grew up with them, had them most of my life. There was quite a span where we didn't have one until we adopted Roman. <3

Have you ever had a dog? Yeah, a good number.

Have you ever any other kind of animal? Jesus, let's see. Guinea pigs, a Chinese water dragon, briefly an iguana, my sister had a rabbit at one point, rats, mice, gerbils, hamsters, ball pythons, some fish... Maybe more but I don't think so? We've just had a whole lot.

Have you ever had a pet rock? Uh I don't think so.

What were you voted in the senior class polls? I wasn't.

Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Coach Collie, Mrs. Stancil, Mrs. Cruz (who, fun fact, inspired my handwriting lmao, I was in love with hers), and Mrs. Williams.

Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? Absolutely more towards the unique side, but I'm not against "established" names, either, so long as they're not obnoxiously common.

What collection are you thinking of starting? Rammstein merch laskdjflkajwelr

What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? Hot Topic, Spencer's, uh... maybe rue 21, anddddd... yeah idk.

Do you organize your clothes by color? No.

What do you want to name your first child? I've become pretty confident if I ever have kids and it's a girl, so long as Girt's the dad, it would be Miquella Lynn because I think it goes better with his last name than Alessandra Rose. If I ever have a son, I'd want to name him Damien Vance.

List ten favorite girls names. Alessandra, Evangeline, Justine, Jacqueline, Miquella (okay yeah it's a male's name in Elden Ring but I really like a way that it's mispronounced and to me sounds way more feminine), Chloe, Journee, Evelyn, Day, and uh OH I really like the sound of Amberdene, though it's a name I just made up for a future role-play character.

List ten favorite boys names. Damien, Severin, Vincent, Luther, Victor, Nikolai, Jaxson, uh... I'm out of ideas lol. There are plenty more male names I really like, I'm sure, I'm just blanking right now.

What season do you want to get married in? Autumn.

Is your Pinterest cluttered? Eh, it's relatively orderly. My "fandom" board has become a fuckin disaster though between all the shit I love, lol.

What is your favorite insect? Luna moths are number one, but I in general really love butterflies and moths.

What bugs scare you? FUCKING STAG BEELTES lkajsdkljawer like don't get me wrong, I think they're VERY cool-looking, but I am steering the fuck clear of them. I also don't like hornets and wasps at all. Centipedes are another big no, like I am IMMENSELY thankful big, truly dangerous ones don't live here. Another animal that looks cool as hell, but their bites are the stuff of legends.

Who picked your name, your mom or your dad? Pretty certain my mom.

What are your siblings’ names? Ashley, Nicole, Katie, Bobby, Misty, and Tiffany if you wanna count her.

Have you ever fallen asleep in a significant other's arms? Do you find that you fall asleep faster when accompanied by a significant other? Yes to both. At least, I'm pretty sure yes for the second question.

Do you have a television in your room? If you do, is it one of the old school big ones? Or is it a new flat screen? Nah, I don't watch TV so it would just be excess clutter.

What was your favorite cartoon or television show as a child? What about movie? I was absolutely, utterly obsessed with Pokemon. My favorite movie was The Lion King.

Did you have sleepovers at your friends' houses a lot as a child? Or did your friends come over to your house more often? It was more likely that my friends would sleep at my house because for a good chunk of my childhood, I had terrible separation anxiety from my mom and would end up waking up my friends' moms in the middle of the night to call my mom to come get me, lmao. I eventually got over it though.

Do you have any significantly older siblings? Did they ever treat you as if you were their child? Well yeah, my half-siblings, but they never treated me like a child, never mind theirs.

When opening presents on Christmas or birthdays, do you first try to guess what is in the package? Do you tear the wrap off slowly, or just rip it to shreds? Are you polite no matter what the gift, and say you love it anyways? Nah, I don't guess anymore, and I think I open presents... normally? Idk. And of course I'm polite about it, because it's very generous to get me ANYthing, so I am thankful no matter what.

What happened last time you got drunk? I've never been drunk, just tipsy.

What are you listening to? "Lügen" by Rammstein.

Which parent do you feel the most affection for? My mom, honestly.

How do you feel about God? "If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness." A quote that reached fame by being found carved in a concentration camp wall. And I will forever agree with it, violently so.

Which platform do you use to listen to music on the most? YouTube.

Who do you care about the most? Honestly probably Girt.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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feanor-no · 2 years ago

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While I agree that it wasn't the fault of just one person, that doesn't however mean that no one was at fault, or that they're all equally responsible.

What people keep confusing I think, is the situation in Valinor with our own mortal, modern standards. Elves in Valinor aren't supposed to die. If they die they can come back to life after a time. For that reason (and Tolkien's catholicism), marriages are supposed to be forever, no exceptions, no backsies. Elven pregnacies drain the parents, especially the mum, in spirit as well as in body. Feanor's mum, after giving birth to him, was exhausted (and suffering from some kind of elven postpartum likely). That wasn't why she was sent to Lorien at first though, no, if memory serves, mr Finwe was already planning for a big family and Miriel straight up told him she's not having anymore kids, she got it right the first time and now she's done, and then she is sent to Lorien to "heal". (Nowdays, most couples, when they reach an impasse like that would consider if the marriage is working for them or if a divorse would be preferable, but, infuriatingly, that's not an option here.)

Then Miriel dies, while still in Lorien (as in she was literally so tired that she laid down and her spirit left her body) and Finwe's grieved, and asks the Valar to bring her back. The Valar offer to reembody her but she refused, saying that all she wants is to rest, which is understandable, but it baffles Valar and Finwe alike (because they're idiots). Her spirit is still suffering from exhaustion, but instead of letting her use this time to properly heal, as she was meant to, before asking her to return right away, the Valar, on Finwe's behalf keep badgering her and summoning her spirit back to ask why she's being so stubborn and won't just return to her husband. They even have a great debate to figure out "what the hell is wrong with Miriel", where they discuss if she died because she is marred, or because her infant son was marred from the womb (those are the only two options apparently, and this debate in-universe is public, which means eveyone heard about the Valar's wisdom on the subject, and Feanor definitely read about it at some point).

Back on track, even in her time in Mandos, which should be a time of rest and healing for her, she still had to deal with Finwe's requests (keep in mind Finwe wasn't like "oh, wise and benevolent Valar, please return my love to me, I'm so lost without her" or anything remotely romantic liked that, his requests boiled down to "I want a big family just like my buddy Ingwe, but now my wife is in Mandos and all I have is this one (1) infant son and I have no one to make more babies with :(:(:( this is so unfair! Why do these things happen to ME?!?) and the Valar's inquiries (notice how nothing about this is about her, it's all framed like Finwe's tragedy, Finwe's loss, what Finwe wants, what Finwe feels, what the Valar think about it, what this means for their blessed realm, Miriel's health and needs are an afterthought and only discussed in terms of how it affects them, which I'm sure isn't intentional on Finwe's part or even the Valar's, but it would still leave a heavy impression on an already depressed Miriel I think).

She says she can't return because she's wary of life (and the prospect of returning to life for the sole purpose of bearing Finwe's many babies is, I imagine, less than appealing at this point). Then Finwe asks, if Miriel won't return to life, what does that mean for him and his dreams of a large family (nice, finwe, very nice). Then, Miriel is summoned back with an ultimatum that's basically "you can either return to life and get on with the baby making, the thing you explicitly said you didn't want to go through again and that was the thing that caused you to be wary of life in the first place, or Finwe will just take another wife. BUT you have to decide right the fuck now, mental health conditions aside, because this (your healing) is taking too long and it's really getting tedious. BUT keep in mind", said the Valar, "according to the rules set down by the all-wise Valar, no man will have more than one living wife, and that means that in order for Finwe to remarry, YOU must forfeit your rights to your husband (sure, whatever) which subsequently means you forfeit your right to live (ummmm,what?!?!?) and you can never EVER return to life, no matter what. You will stay in Mandos forever as a disembodied spirit while your son grows up without his mother, because bigamy is an abomination and so is divorce (nice, Tolkien, very nice). But", the Valar continued, "don't worry, at least Finwe will have his big family with a proper, not selfish wife, in fact we already have a volunteer! Your good friend Indis, remember her? Turns out she always had a thing for your husband and they got cozy with each other since you so selfishly died. We already told them what it means for your spirit if they decide to get married, that bit about you being doomed to remain dead in the Halls forever and never to return, no even if you DO heal eventually, and they both readily agreed! How nice is that?! They didn't even waste any of our time to decide, unlike some people...What a great friend this Indis is, to selflessly put herself forward to help out your dear husband that you abandoned cruelly and without reason. Her children will certainly be blessed and not marred at all, unlike some people! What a great way to solve this conundrum, how fortunate we are that Indis was here and jumped at the opportunity to marry your husband, at only the very small cost of YOUR ETERNAL LIFE! So glad we solved this! We are indeed very wise", the wise Valar concluded and congratulated themselves, happy to have finally found a solution that works for everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Now, remember that part where I said that all of that nonsense is public record, straight from the mouths of the gods themselves, and suddenly Feanor's dislike of Indis, his mistrust of the Valar, his desperate need for his father love and approval and his general paranoia and constant fear of being easily replaced start to make a lot more sense.

All of that was to say that Feanor's parents didn't get just get divorced and the problem child unfairly blamed it on the "other woman" and made her life hell when she was honestly just trying her best. This isn't that story. Nor did Feanor's mum just dropped dead one day and only afterwards did his dad found love again and decided to move on and remarry, only for Feanor to throw a tantrum because he was a spoiled, unreasonable child. No, Feanor's mum explicitly had to die so that Feanor's dad could be permitted to remarry. And everyone involved agreed that that was a reasonable sacrifice. That's horrible, and everyone involved in this decision is horrible, that includes Indis.

The fact that Indis supposedly had been Miriel's friend just makes it so much worse, not better. It makes it a horrific betrayal. If she was just a stranger who had no reason to care about Miriel or Feanor, that's one thing, but if she was actually her "friend", then she's just a terrible person who was more than happy to sacrifice her "friend" in order to get what she wanted. (I'm sure that's not how Tolkien intended it but that's how I read it). And make no mistake, they did sacrifice her. Death for them isn't supposed to be permanent. It's more like a time out. Mandos is called the Halls of Waiting for that reason. Indis, as well as Finwe knew full well what this would mean for Miriel and decided to go for it anyway.

This isn't death like we think of it, we don't have an equivalent for it. The closest I could come up with would be if a woman was very ill and hospitalised after a difficult birth, her doctors were certain that she could actually make a full recovery with enough time, but her husband decided (after like, a month) that her healing was taking too long and he can't be arsed to wait for her but his religion forbids divorce so he just decides to euthanize her and be done with it, in order to be able to marry someone else instead and get on with his life. Someone, who incidentally happens to be his wife's "dear friend" who saw no problem with this arrangement whatsoever, and happily jumped at the opportunity to bury her "friend" because it meant that she could finally get the guy she was crushing on. I don't know how would anyone defend that.

(That's why I never headcanon them as friends, that would make Indis too horrible of a person for me. At least Finwe, as awful as he was, had the excuse of not being in his right mind due to grief (and it does seem like he regretted it later on, which too little, too late, but good for him I guess), the Valar have the somewhat flimsy excuse of not understanding anything at all ever, but what's Indis excuse here exactly? "Sucks for Miriel ig, but I got mine"?)

I don't think Indis was Evil Incarnate, I do however think she was an extremely selfish, self-centred person and an opportunist (just like Finwe, no wonder they hit it off). Curiously, I don't think Indis needs defending as 99,9% of portrayals I've seen of her are all pretty much the same. Long-suffering, ever-patient, endlessly kind stepmum who has never done anything wrong, doen't have one unkind thought and has only ever tried her best but her vicious, evil stepson dislikes her for existing and makes her life hell, even though she loves him dearly and would love to be a mother to him, if he would just give her a chance.... I'm not saying that that portrayal is necessarily bad, depends on the kind of story you want to tell I suppose, I'm saying that that's pretty much the only interpretation I see of Indis, with some variations. Sometimes she's incredibly wise, sometimes a bit naive, but it's always the same perfect, understanding and loving stepmum who stepped up and is now suffering the unjust scorn of her wicked stepson in silence but with endless patience always. *yawn*

(Sidenote: If you or anyone have come across other portayals that I clearly haven't, please send me links if it's not too much trouble, especially if it's angsty. I'd love to read them because like I said, nearly all the portrayals of Indis I've personally come across are pretty much variations of the same thing and it gets tedious after a while).

If anything, Finwe gets a much more just treatment in the fandom, becase people aren't afraid to point out what a selfish prick he was and how he screwed up, but for some reason, Indis doesn't get anywhere near the amount of scrutiny she should for her actions. Maybe because we know nothing about her, and Tolkien's works aren't exactly filled with developed female characters, so maybe people don't want to vilify the few named female characters we do have. I understand that, but does that mean we have to put every single female character on a pedestal, never allowing them their faults? This isn't even a "let women be evil" thing, because she doesn't have to be evil and we have no reason to think that she was, but her actions do portray a very selfish person who doesn't care about how her actions might affect others as long as she gets what she wants (just like Finwe! Match made in Heaven!) But being selfish isn't the same as being evil.

Yeah, people will blame female characters for merely existing because of misogyny, but then others will go all reactionary and insist that no female character can ever be at fault ever, they all have to be perfect angels all the time, which is just misogyny with a twist. Yeah Indis isn't described as a wicked stepmum, but she isn't described as a good person either. Because she isn't described at all, we only know of (some) of her actions and those don't exactly make her look very good, so why not acknowledge that? She never explicitly said that she hoped for Miriel to die/stay dead in order to marry her husband or that she was happy about this turn of events but.....did she really have to? The fact that she knew that's what would happen and saw no issue with that and happily agreed is bad enough, and it makes her complicit in Miriel death, same as Finwe.

Overall, I don't think one portrayal is necessarily better or more accurate than the other, because again, we know practically nothing about Indis other than her part in Finwe's life, so she can be a blank canvas for the fandom to paint her as they will, and we totally should, that's what fandoms are for, I'm just saying that no interpretation is inherently wrong, and people can like or dislike a character for a variety of reasons, but when it comes to a character's actions in canon, those are meant to tell us things about that character as well as drive the story forward, and personally, I don't think her actions paint her in a very good light. Although she doesn't have the greatest blame here (for me that would be the Valar who made up those stupid one-marriage-per-elf rules in the first place, followed by Finwe who was being incredibly selfish and bitter and it cost Miriel her life and Feanor his mother), she does share part of the blame, and I don't see why she should get a pass when everyone else involved in this mess is rightly criticised. We even criticise Feanor who was a child at the time, but Indis is off-limits for some reason?

I agree that there was no "right" answer (well, apart from a divorce, that would pretty much have solved the whole mess, but the Valar aren't ready for that conversation) but there were plently of "wrong" answers, and in the end that's what everyone chose.

Now, "Was Miriel selfish for refusing to return to Tirion and giving up her life in spite of her husband and child?"

Miriel was literally a spirit who couldn't hold on to life because of her wariness and exhaustion after childbirth and coming back to life would mean more suffering for her. No, I don't think making a choice for your own health is selfish, and I don't think a depressed person could actually make a choice of that magnitude when they are at their lowest, and she was repeatedly asked to when everyone involved knew very well she wasn't in a good place mentally. And on top of that, they made it very clear that it wasn't even about her, rather it was about how her death would inconvenience Finwe because it would be an obstacle to his desire for a large family (a desire she didn't share) and if she continues to be difficult, well, she can easily be replaced. Of course she refused to return, why the hell would she?

(the part about her saying she wasn't ever going to be able to return I take with a massive grain of salt because 1. anyone who has ever experienced depression knows that it messes with your head in a way that you can't even conceive of things ever getting better, you're just stuck in a loop of misery and doubt and unable to even picture a future where you're doing ok (and everyone who has ever lived with depression will also tell you that depression lies to you, things can and will get better, you just have to survive the hard bit first) and 2. she did return to life eventually, after Finwe's death. She wasn't ready to return to live in Tirion so she went to Vaire's halls, but she did come back, proving that she could, and would have, if she was given enough time.

It was clearly stated that she needed time to heal, and she wasn't afforded that. The Valar were in charge of her healing, and not only did they fail her spectacularly, but they also kept interrupting her rest in Mandos to ask her why she was being so stubborn essentially, and why can't she just get well already, framing her illness as being her fault, and her struggle to heal on Finwe's time as a choice she was making out of spite. The Valar would be the worst therapists ever.

"Was Finwe selfish for wanting to remarry against the customs of the Eldar?"

Finwe wasn't selfish for going against the customs of the Eldar, he was selfish for making a decision that would benefit him knowing full well that it would cost his wife her life and his son his mother. He thought only of what he wanted, and didn't care that the two people closest to him would suffer for it. That's the definition of selfish. He could wait for Miriel to return, he could choose not to remarry at all, he could respond to the Valar's judgement with "WTF!!! I said I wanted more kids, not that I wanted my wife to die! What kind of batshit suggestion is that?!?", or he could at the very least wait to remarry (and put the nail on Miriel's coffin) until his son was fully grown, but he did none of those things, because he wanted his big family, and he wanted it now (even though they're all immortal and have nothing but time) and he knew Miriel wouldn't want to have any more kids even if she did return, so he chose what was most convenient for him, regardless of who it would hurt.

"Was Indis selfish for loving her friend’s husband and then marrying him after Miriel’s death?"

It wasn't that she married him after her friends death, it was that she knew full well her marriage would result in her "friends" death, and was perfectly fine with it. Miriel at the time wasn't dead-dead, it was only after they agreed to marry that Miriel's death became permanent and irreversible, as a direct consequence of that decision. ("In Indis was proved true indeed the saying that ‘the loss of one may be the gain of another" - from Morgoth's Ring I believe) Was Indis selfish for that. Absolutely. I don't know why that's a controversial thing to say.

Also, "She stayed away in general and never pushed herself on him and they were deeply in love at the time they married." That's fanon, while we do know that it was said that she loved him "from afar", it's also said that she maintained hope and had refused to marry anyone else even before Miriel's "death" because because she only wanted him. There are a couple of ways to interpret that, some more innocent than others. I also doubt they were "deeply in love" as they basically run into each other, she randomly started singing, he "saw in her eyes" in that moment that she loved him, they decide to get married then and there, got permission from Ingwe and went straight to petition the Valar for remarriage. Now unless significant amount of time passed between those events, I doubt they even had a chance to get to know each other properly let alone be deeply in love. Indis didn't even live in Tirion, she lived with her kin with the rest of the Vanyar, so they wouldn't have had much opportunity or reason to interact before that apart from official visits maybe. And granted, they weren't allowed to marry for 12 (I think?) years after the judgement, but that was because the Valar said so, not by their choice.

"Was Feanor selfish for refusing to accept his father’s remarriage and Indis’ place as queen of the Noldor?"

Umm, no? Not at all? Because his father's remarriage is literally the reason his mother is dead? Those two things are very much connected in a cause-and-effect kind of way and Indis is not an innocent bystander but very much complicit in his mother's death? I'd say he's allowed to be as bitter as he wants about it, if anything he's not bitter enough. "but his disapproval and even hurt feelings don’t get to dictate whether his father gets to pursue a romantic relationship or not." Well, not when you put it like that, except it wasn't like that. His disapproval and hurt feelings were over not wanting his mother to be dead and replaced with a more agreeable version, and whether his father gets to pursue a romantic relationship or not is directly linked to whether his mother gets to be alive or not. So in that sense, I'd say, yeah, his hurt feelings should dictate his father's romantic decisions actually, when it's his own mother's eternal life that is at stake. Not wanting your mother to be dead because of someone else's choices is not selfish. Feeling bitterness towards the people who have actively played a role in your mother's unnatural death isn't unreasonable.

I do think emotions were running high (especially on Finwe's part, he didn't understand Miriel's refusal to return and he was confused and angry about it) and the whole thing was made worse by the Valar's involvement (as most things tend to), due to their inability to undestand 1) the Children and 2) those pesky, confusing emotions. In the end everyone messed up, except for Miriel (no, I don't think she was selfish or stubborn, I think she was ill and needed healing, time, compassion and support, and got none of this things) and Feanor, who was just a kid at the time (age varies depending on what you take as canon). it's not surprising to me that Feanor would not have a warm relationship with his stepmum or siblings and as far as I know, in canon, he never mistreated them (contrary to common belief), he just...wasn't close to them and moved out of the house as soon as he could, it was much, much later AND with decades of Melkor's influence that they started to actively antagonise each other. Maybe he could have tried harder to develop a relationship with them, but I don't see why he would? And since he couldn't get along with them, he did the next best thing and removed himself from the situation, which displays far more maturity from him that his father and Indis ever did.

Anyways, I just realised I wrote a whole ass essay, so sorry about the long rant, I do get carried away sometimes :) It's just that I rarely get to talk about Indis specifically and as you can see, I have a lot of thoughts. Please don't feel the need to respond or anything if this is too much, I'm just happy I managed to actually put my thoughts in order here.

Sometimes I forget there are people who genuinely think Indis was a horrible conniving bitch for marrying a guy she was in love with after his wife died (and had expressly said she had no desire to return to life and did not think that would ever change) and it’s always a little jarring when I’m made to remember

#tolkien #silmarillion #finwë #indis #feanor #valar #the valar #the statute of finwe and miriel

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