#she likes people who are stupid <3< /div>
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Not my normal stuff lol I just doodled my mad doctor lady cause I love women w something wrong w them š¤·āāļø
Chat would u let her š§š§š§
#she's a creep. she's a weirdo š§#she likes people who are stupid <3#bear's ocs#bear king draws#oc art#oc doodles#mad scientist oc
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just some vets and their rookie, feat. jewell + nneka + nika š„¹
#wnbaedit#jewell loyd#nneka ogwumike#nika muhl#seattle storm#wnba#*mine#look at them showing love and teaching <3#all the people who had the audacity to say THIS team were haters... lmao.#like these new fans don't look any better than the clarkies actually bc they just want it to be all about nika. y'all ain't storm fans.#these ppl didn't even know why she couldn't wear 10 like. pls. what sort of 'uconn' fan even are you. even as a new one you should KNOW.#and the just school stans following ONLY players to the W... ugh.#like y'all she's getting to learn from some INCREDIBLE vets. she will get her time she's behind two all time guards. just chill.#and I'm saying this as a storm AND uconn fan. y'all look stupid af. be normal. leave my drama free team alone.#ANYWAY. LOVED ALL OF THIS.
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i see so much clary hate in the tsc fandom like calling her stupid and people saying she acts like a baby and whines too much like do some people not realize that this girl just turned 16 in cob???? like she is a baby, give her a fucking break this girl went through so much and yet still remained the biggest badass
#i dont see it so much on tumblr (ily guys <3) but like in general fandom talk it pops up a lot and just.... ugh piss off#fuck out of here with clary hate istg who are u#she's such a good character and yes she makes some stupid mistakes (like MANY characters do!!!) but literally everyone act irrationally???#like hello??????#and ESPECIALLY at that age#like some people out here acting like jace and the others weren't making st00pid decisions as well smh#i think she's the greatest and mad props to her bc i would probably shit myself if i went through half the shit she did#i believe in clary fairchild supremacy.#clary fairchild#the mortal instruments#the shadowhunter chronicles#tmi#tsc
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ok so you know how in china 'cut sleeve' was used as an euphemism for homosexuality. that but in lorasia they use 'lullaby singer'. or 'angel fighter'. lately 'knightly escort' is making the rounds. there's a lot of euphemisms for gay people actually.
#i talk a lot <3#tged#llojavi#this is so stupid but i think they deserve it (affectionate/derogatory)#eternally intrigued by how socially accepted queer people are in canon.#there's no outright evidence there's a ban on it or any prejudice#but there's also zero (0) gay people around so like. is that proof in and of itself??#wait no i forgot#berkis' mom was very accepting of the idea of rakiel and damian being a thing#she was just judging the timing of rakiel's request to help him touch damian#but again. canonically dragons are polyamorous so how much of it is dragons being like That and society being generally accepting.#do i actually want bk moon to address this topic. probably not but otherwise i will forever wonder.#that being said. if he writes a gay character and it's not his protagonist finally kissing with tongue the man he has a deeply homoerotic#relationship with and for who he has risked absolutely everything for.... i might commit murder. so. tread with caution my man.
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I hate it when I headcanon a character whoās canonically a girl as a trans man and make ships of him and a character whoās canonically a guy and I refer to it as a gay/mlm/guyxguy/whatever ship and someone gets mad. Like omg let trans people have FUNNNNN. Why are queer headcanons and genderbends cool until theyāre saying that the character is trans???
āOMGGG youāre so misogynistic I canāt believe you would erase FEMALE representation!!!ā
and like half of the characters in the franchise are women, and a total ofā¦ NONE of the characters are trans men. Also, my headcanon doesnāt change the source material. If my stuff upsets you, you can block me and go engage with the source or maybe every single other fanwork, since mine is the only trans man hc for this character that Iāve ever seen.
or when people are like āWTF??? this is so transphobic!!! how dare you imply that a character who looks like that could be a trans man?!?! do you think that trans men are women or something??? she uses she/her, and youāre misgendering her!ā
No, I donāt think that being a trans man makes you a woman or vice versa. Thatās why itās a headcanon, and the headcanon is that this character is actually a trans man and not a woman at all! Youāll never guess what pronouns most trans men had to use at some point in their lives, and you really wonāt like it when you find out about pre-(or no-)transition trans menā¦ or trans men who are in the closetā¦ or trans men who donāt know that theyāre trans yet.
āBut the character is a kid!!! Saying theyāre trans is sexualizing them.ā
Iāve seen this one from other queer people. Like did you miss when all of the homophobes said this about your identity, or do you think that bigotry is only bad when itās directed at you?
āWhy would you say ātestosterone could fix herā??? Are you trying to call her a delusional woman?ā
Why would your brain even go to that first? This literally has to be a bad faith reading, because thereās no way that someone could see what I said and get this unless they were specifically looking for something to be mad at me for.
(Note for anyone unaware: āEstrogen wouldāve fixed him!ā was a meme going around at the time I said this. Iām not sure if itās still super big, but this was a joke to the effect of that.)
āSo girls canāt be tomboys anymore? You just wanna trans everyone?ā
This is like actual real life transphobic rhetoric. This isnāt even just shitting on my headcanon, but in fact, sending transphobic hate to a trans man. Thanks š. Maybe you should go send JK Rowling another message about how much you loved her essay instead of bothering me.
#transgender#trans#trans man#transandrophobia#<- not all of it but the āitās misogynystic to be a trans man!!!ā part is. esp because itās something that people say about real trans men#is this inspired by a Tik tok about how making male characters women is empowering and making female characters men is misogyny?#(although that post was weirdly about genderbending gay ships? idk why thatās discourse going around ššš. I miss old fandom sometimes.)#not exactly. although the comments on it sucked. Iāve seen multiple variations of posts like that and all of their comment sections made me#feel like I was wading through raw sewage with how full of shit the commenters were.#I saw one violently threatening anyone who portrays a canon girl as a man (in stupid Tik Tok speak)#oh Feng Minā¦ oh Hilda PokĆ©monā¦ oh Y PokĆ©Speā¦ youāre all beautiful young men to me#nonbinary hcs also get you that last one super hard#I havenāt seen as much of this about hcing canon guys as trans girls other than posts where op says āname a girl character who (blank)!ā-#and then makes an addition that youāre an evil misogynist if you said a MALE!!! (even though Brock PokĆ©mon is a transbian to me </3)#which icks me out so bad. omfg. like sheās a girl to ME!!! so maybe thatās why Iām naming her under a post about GIRLS!!!#I imagine that most of the reason for not hearing much about it is because these types of headcanons justā¦ really arenāt common#so if you have a bunch of experience with headcanoning characters who are canonically men as trans girls and the hate that it gets you then#feel free to add on (and also please talk to me about your headcanonsā¦ there are so few of us. we need to stick together!!!)#itās not derailing despite this post specifically being tagged about trans men#thatās just bc thatās all that I talk about in my original post#this post has been in my drafts in different forms for probably like months#long post#I guess#anyone remember a while back when someone on this app got violently mad that someone put a character (canonically a guy) in the m/m tags on#ao3 bc the guy was hced as trans in the fic#and the post was like āgrrr the ao3 gender ship things are talking about GENITALS!!! not gender!!! Iām not transphobic though <3.ā#so now to imagine what itās like to hc a character whoās canonically a girl as a trans man just imagine that but itās worse and also youāre#getting it from other trans people too š
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THANKS @kimdokjafan you are so kind and generous. ok im cashing in the first of three blank checks to talk about faith trust and pixie dust (most recent chatfic) because the last two directors commentaries were too serious so let's do a silly one.
some p5r spoilers, and this is mostly about sumire, and it's long again. do i need to keep disclaiming that these are long? you should know me by now.
i had this written for a while before i started formatting it because i wasn't really sure if i should post it? i feel like silly chatfic is something people go to for predominantly lighthearted nonsense so i was like, maybe there's too much plot and dramatic misunderstanding and i should just keep this one for myself. but then i was like well nothing matters and maybe someone will have fun with it. it's kind of terrible how much fully or mostly completed fic there is my docs that just doesn't see the light of day lol. write for yourself etc but i like sharing! too bad it comes with the mortifying ordeal etc. anyway that was a tangent
potato counter is a neopets game. there's no deep lore i just like neopets. i guess in this universe ryuji doesn't play neopets? or maybe he's just never played potato counter specifically. i also have a different fic where ryuji DOES play neopets. it's about neopets and ryuji and goro talking on neopets.
i think this might literally be the first time ive written sumi in a fic because i haven't actually written that much fic for royal, like, now that im looking, literally almost none? and none that had a group dynamic. so it was kind of fun to find her voice for the first time in a silly groupchat like this. i was worried people would find her exclamation marks annoying but i personally thought it was endearing so i added it in there.
every time i do a gag where a character corrects their own typo i have to code more stupid little bubbles to make it happen but i think it's worth it. all the effort that goes into making tgis look as much like a real chat as possible
this obviously doesnt take place in the canon p5/r universe, but im imagining sort of a postcanon sumi personality where she's more comfortable being herself and isn't borrowing kasumi's brand of confidence, but she's visibly a really anxious person without that kasumi veneer. i also think in this universe sumire is a fairly recent addition to the friend group, and while everyone likes her a lot and she really likes them, i kind of wanted to emphasise that feeling of being in a friend group where everyone's established and you're sort of a plus-one? you don't really fit yet. part of that is her being new, part of it is her anxiety, part of it is just the kind of person sumi is where she's so polite and self-conscious she ends up taking herself out of things with her own good intentions. stuff like her interrupting the flow of an existing conversation by greeting everyone instead of jumping straight in because she doesn't feel comfortable inserting herself, which means everyone else stops to greet her even though that doesn't normally happen in a friend group, or making a point of thanking everyone for being invited to events while the others take it as a given.
idk i love that she feels a bit out of place with the phantom thieves in p5r. and part of that is a natural consequence of being a new addition in royal who can't be naturally integrated with an existing dynamic but i honestly feel like the writing team realised that and acknowledged it, and really leaned into it, and that made it work incredibly well for me. like, it's part of her character that she's sort of an outsider. it's not like p4g's incredibly clumsy integration of marie and subsequent attempt to shove her down everyone's throat as the canon love interest in p4ga (knife). sumi has that outsider vibe on purpose and it makes me really like her dynamic with the thieves as an individual
goro also feels slightly out of place in these chats, but his conversational style blends more naturally with the other thieves at this point and he even uses their codenames sometimes. i keep saying my chatfic series isn't a real Series because the lore keeps changing, but if we accept that they're all kind of following a General Continuity, assume this takes place some time after the last fic in which ren added goro to the groupchat and they made an effort to integrate him into their friend group. he's kind of there now and has settled into being the weird boyfriend. that's his role.
every time goro says something like "ren and i" assume it's the text equivalent of him talking to the group with his arm around ren's waist.
ok i got really fond of this silly running joke where sumi brings up the weather when she's feeling uncomfortable. she's so polite. i like this thread because setting it up meant i got to tie it off like this:
this just made me happy lol i liked writing this. i tried to use it to demonstrate that despite goro's abrasiveness he obviously knows sumire pretty well, he's attuned to her quirks and knows how to tell when she's having a bad time with her anxiety, so he uses her little weather habit to ground her.
i honestly dont think goro and sumire could be considered close in p5r and as much as i like the "royal trio" in canon they're not really... like... friends? with each other? they're both attached to ren, so it' more a V shape than anything else. but that said, i really LIKE goro and sumi's canon dynamic. he takes a really grouchy but politely attentive supervisory role to her during their few forays into the palace as a trio where he doesn't really know her well but clearly identifies her as a harmless little tryhard who needs some guidance and steps into that role grudgingly, and she immediately looks up to him despite being very wrong footed by his ruthlessness, which i find incredibly charming. i think given time they could be good friends, they just didn't get much chance to know each other very well in canon. so i tried to kinda do that here.
once goro stops being evil and joins the group they all kind of tiredly accept that his role is to occasionally push a cup off a bench while smirking and refuse to clean it up. emotionally, i mean.
wait i need to backtrack chronologically to talk about akeshu.
in this scene they're in the same room lol talking and snickering while typing. im trying to get at that vibe of the annoying couple who is flirting with each other, via you. you know? like ostensibly they're talking to you (sumire) but everything they say to you is part of their stupid game. sumi is incidental to goro and ren teasing each other about flirting with someone else, goro is reporting everything ren says because his boyfriend is so eye-rollingly foolish in a cute way. they're very tickled by how amusing and charming they are. gross. disgusting. sumire im so sorry for putting you through this
anyway here are too many of my favourite jokes from the fic
#futaba gets a lot of my favourite punchlines because i love her. i think she's an incredible vessel for comedic timing#once again you can see how much i overthink everything#given the amount of thought that goes into character shit for what LOOKS like a stupid 3 second chatfic#but is really. a stupid 3 second chatfic with twenty years of overthinking behind it#it takes time and effort. to be this stupid#anyway i love sumi. i think she's so cute. i like her dynamic with the thieves so much#ive said it before but i think chatfic is one of those mediums that looks so deceptively simple because#you know it's just silly dialogue and memes. it's very accessible. anyone can write a funny chatfic#but i think it's such a character-forward 'genre' that it's really really difficult to do well in the sense that it feels like the characte#s you know and not just mouthpieces for memes with familiar names attached. so im kinda obsessed with the genre#it relies so heavily on every character having a distinctive voice without trying too hard to be unique#ideally you should be able to read one of these with no names attached ands till get a general sense of who's talking#without having to rely on liek (sorry) homestuck style quirks which make it visibly obvious#that' skinda hard because irl people's typing styles aren't THAT distinct you know. theres only so many variations#you can make to a person's use of grammar punctuation capitalisation etc before it becomes a gimmick instead of an idiosyncrasy#but hopefully if the character voice is strong enough their identtiy should come through more subtly anyway. idk .idk if im there but i lov#to work towards it#wow i wrote anothr essay in the tags about my love for Modern Epistolary Fiction (chatfic)#after already writing a whole essay in the post#i mgonna shut up guys thanks for having me#rookfic#asks#p5#rookthots
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Master Miller time
#my art#metal gear#metal gear solid#master miller#kazuhira miller#i honestly just wanted to draw the 'oh this? its laced w drugs' image bc its so fucking funny#but it became this bc <3 its master miller wesnesday. master milfer even if you will#i think the og joke i made 2 my boyfriend which is what inspired this was#master miller taking a drag from a ciggarette and young davesnake coming over like hey can i bum a cig off you#and shes like oh this? this is laced w estrogen you dont want this.#. and hes like really??? and she stares at him.#says no dave dont be fucking stupid it was a joke. and you can buy your own cigarettes fuck off#and then she ruffles his hair and sends him on his way cuz hes a good lad shes just not sharing her smokes w anyone#ANYWAY. iuf you want my now developing trans headcanons abt her i dont think she goes on hrt or medically transitions#shes out here and shes trans and shes smoking six packs a day and i love her <3#IDK JUST! older trans people who dont realise stuff abt themselves till later in life mean a lot to meeeeee so i like headcanoning her#like this. HOOAH wow i rambled a lot on this doodle. hello hi enjoy my miller doodles
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Say what you want about thinking Percy only remembered Annabeth because Hera left her in his memory but for the love of everything just let people have their romantic little headcanon
#doesnāt have to be so literal#Iām a believer that it was because sheās his mortal anchor#people have a different theory#but thereās no right answer#some people act like others are stupid for thinking anything else#like no every option is equally possible#Iād just rather believe that they have this invisible string that canāt be cut and itās romantic and thatās fine#that being said I think itās the Achilles thing because 1)#if it was out of pure love it couldāve also been sally that he remembered unless itās romantic love only#2) I donāt think Hera would choose to keep her there just because she doesnāt like her and would want to make her feel forgotten#because they hate each other or whatever#and 3) him remembering her because sheās his tie to mortality is equally logical and romantic so itās a nice in between#but believe what you want#all three are equally possible#people who choose to believe it was out of love arenāt delusional and people who#and people who choose to believe it was heras choice arenāt boring#and I think people who believe it was the Achilles thing want a little bit of both#what irks me is when people think theyāre superior for not thinking it was love#because Iāve seen lots of people say the people who think so are just being ridiculous and it makes me a little mad#bc even though I donāt think it either itās not like it couldnāt be that#pjo#percabeth#percy jackson#annabeth chase#percy jackson and the olympians#heroes of olympus#hoo#the son of neptune#mark of athena#pjo opinions and theories
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good thing I am āthat personā who acknowledges that characters arenāt one dimensional girlbosses who have zero flaws and make the right choices forever even when going through immense stress and trauma <3 unlike some people in manhwa comment sections š¤
#deity dialogue#some of yall wanna read the most boring stories in the world#also day ??? of praying everyone who gets mad in comments and claims they could do better than the main characters find themselves in the#same exact situation and scenario and same exact restrictions as said characters#and that they have to prove whether or not they could actually do better <3#I couldnāt be a deity fr because Iād use my power to put annoying bitches through shit they claim to be able to do better at and watch them#struggle and suffer until they realize how fucking stupid they sound.#hello welcome new followers I am mean and annoyed at people online#yall expect too much from people and characters like#if a character is perfect never made a mistake never did anything wrong then thatās a poorly written character imo#that doesnāt exist in real life or in fiction I think itās good to have a character make mistakes#btw for context: the character in question watched countless people she cared about die at the hands of a single man was always on edge that#she would be next forced to work as his main and be his loyal dog was almost forced to kill the persons he previously served but he was#already dead was forced to stab ppl watched her only friend turn out to be a spy lose her thumbs and be dragged away was fed poison#regularly and finally snapped and made the decision to trap and stab the man which sure yeah bad idea but like. sheās traumatized
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WHY AM I SO BAD AT BEING MEAN IN THE BEING MEAN UNIVERSE :(
#oc: leda#tay plays rogue trade#my problem is that leda is 80% iconoclast 20% dogmatic#and her dogmatic views are all related to chaos worship/misappropriation of the warp#as a divine psyker herself she knows the cost of messing w the immaterium and its like. the one thing she will start screaming heresy over#BUT. as a psyker (who was caught by the inquisition significantly older than most psykers are) she does empathize#thats why she kept idira around to begin with. to give her the opportunity to control herself maybe w herself and heinrix as mentors#BUT LIKE. DAMN. U REALLY KILLED A WHOLE BUNCH OF MY CREW HUH....................#so now im like ok well. she COULD help idira she WANTS to help idira!!!! but it goes pretty clearly against her one red line lol#and she could just kick her out of the voidship but that seems even more cruel and also like. endangering other people#she wouldnt ask argenta to do it bc tbh argenta is too excited about it w peace and love <3 she would do it herself#BUT THEN VIGDIS..... VIGDIS IS GOING TO BE SOOOOO SAD.......#god. this sucks. the choices in this game rly are above and beyond lol#like this is agony SHES TRYING TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR HEINRIX SHE CANT KEEP EXECUTING HER COMPANIONS LIKE THIS.....#and performing exterminatus on entire planets!! tghis is so foul i just want to make out w heinrix i cant be doing this. IM SORRY VIGDIS...#she kills yrliet too after cammoragh :( hate my stupid baka LIFE.......................
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When I watch X-Men First Class and see Cherik. For some reasons that idk why even. Please Please Please of Sabrina Carpenter suddenly their my theme song to them. Random but it is what it is š
yk if it was any time after first class i could see it ....... divorce and the cycle of breaking up and getting back together and all ....... the denial etc etc .....
#snap chats#asks that remind me of shadow the hedgehog#oh no .... my interests . .. <- weirdly obsessed with Please Plesae Please. and shadow the hedgehog. we are talking about x-men#but anyway i could see it AFTER the divorce ..... most people havent accepted erik's A Bit Out There yet in FC i think ...#but 'i promise i have good judgement i know i have good taste it's funny and its ironic only i feel that way'#like girl i see the vision your brain's visioning ...#the whole song's about being in denial about the imperfections of your partner ok i get it ...#'heartbreak is one thing my egos another' lines that make me think of the whole 'i wish erik was here so he could see i was right' bit jeAJ#'if you wanna go and be stupid dont do it in front of me' do i need to elaborate my beautiful chat. no š#i could do this all day i fear .... i fear Please Please Please is my fave carpenter song ..#its so funny tho i was listening to this song in the car with my brother and he was like#'why does this song sound like she's embarrassed to be seen with her boyfriend' like oh my poor innocent brother#its cause her boyfriend probably sucks and she doesnt want people to point it out because who wants that told to them#and it being right huh </3 my brother just thought she was Innocently embarrassed by him yk what i mean#like when you have a friend or sibling whos harmless but has Embarrassing tendencies like. idk liking x-men š gjerLKLJ BUT LIKE YOU GET IT#nay ..... not what... the songs about i think ...#anyways guys i have a quiz today and i dont !!! want to do it š
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Team behind "Ma Meilleure Ennemie": How long this song can be?
Arcane team: Ahhhh... 2:30 max??? No, wait, 2:28!
Team behind "Ma Meilleure Ennemie": ...hmmm, quite short. Okay :)
Arcane team: Okay?
Team behind "Ma Meilleure Ennemie": Hehe :D *creates THE BEST FUCKING 2:28 song EVER*
#I think that Riot Music was a lil bit stupid when they underestimated such performers as Stromae and Pomme.#bitch. did you forget that you invited quite literally the BEST french music artists for your soundtrack?#(in Stromae's case french-speaking belgian)#did you really place your bets on āFantasticā? REALLY? that's why you keep trying to promote it???#and like. it's a REALLY good song (not in the scene it's playing though WHICH IS CRIMINAL š).#but. did you really think it could compete with THE SONG FROM THE ARTISTS WHO ARE KNOWN TO ABSOLUTELY OBLITERATE EVERYONE ELSE?!#also. one of my frineds said that Stromaeā Pommeā Luc Van Haver and Alex Seaver have an opportunity to do the funniest thing ever.#and by that she meant ālol. do you think they'll do better than āThe Lineā too?ā#I think it's 50/50. but yeah. in case Ma Meilleure Ennemie does it again... that would be another win for french arcane fanbase ššš#arcane#the point is... ma meilleure ennemie is the shortest song from act 3. and yet... people loved it so much it's crazy.#I think if this song was even longer it would be unstoppable (it is now BUT YOU KNOW EVEN MORE UNSTOPPABLE)
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#hi. this is going to be an ugly one#feel free to skip this because its gonna be rough#personal#in the winter of 2015 my girlfriend took her own life. she said she was sick and stayed home from school#she texted me āI love you.ā and i knew she was gone before anyone would tell me#her parents murdered her. not directly. they didn't lay a hand on her. but they made her life so miserable that she felt she had#no other choice than to die. because they were homophobic. because they didn't believe in mental illness.#because they believed she could be 'cured' thru jesus. and they didn't love her for who she really was#and i hate them. i hate them more than any people on earth. because they will never admit it#they will never admit their role in her death. they blamed it on her eating disorder and brushed everything else under the rug#i didn't get to know her that well before she died. we only knew each other a few months.#and i.... god damnit#it still makes me so angry#this was nearly 10 years ago i cant fucking believe it.#her parents got all the fucking sympathy in the world when they deserved none.#they fucking killed her. anyone who actually knew her knows it. but no one is brave enough to say it#her dad worked at the school i had to go to for 3 more years and i just wanted to#either crawl in a hole or punch him in his stupid fucking face#everytime i saw him. she's dead because they couldn't conceive of a world where she could be gay and happy#or athiest and a good person. she told me she didn't believe any of the stuff her family did and i nearly threw up at her funeral#because it was all about god and jesus. and honestly it was barely about her. it was all about jumping on the pity train#for their poor parents.#i ran away from the casket. i didnt think she wouldve wanted any of this shit. i couldnt bear it#and i think. they sent her to one of those bullshit religious camps that abuse kids instead of actually treating their conditions#i honestly dont know what all they put her through. it makes me sick to imagine it.#i get all worked up about this everytime its terrible. i just cant understand how you can do that to your own child#and they fucking got away with it.#it makes me so furious beyond fucking reason like its un fucking real#sometimes living is . much harder than dying. i cant really elaborate much more than that#i miss you.
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like ādudeā¦ uuugh we r TIREDā <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the āpersonalityā of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that theyāre Real but iām a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how theyāre from the narratorās consciousness which is sick as hell#and iām unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i donāt know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( iām not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i donāt know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and itās all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the āwhat if their blog self Was Realā but iām not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably donāt think i know enough and i donāt think theyāll approve if i try. so i Donāt#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but thatās incredibly hopeful#iāll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to āoh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidentsā#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that iām stupid because i didnt try#even though iām trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else iāve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends āļø#man i canāt even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasnāt allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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it's been a strange arc so far
when I was 19-21 and having an extremely imbalanced relationship with someone in their mid 30s I was like 'we are both adults so the fact that this is fucking me up is my fault'
when I hit my late 20s and saw how young people in their late teens and early 20s seem now I was like 'oh wait I was so fucking young I didn't know shit about my own limits or about managing relationships and I don't know why someone in their mid to late 30s would be into that except for nefarious purposes'
the weird bit is now I'm into my 30s - not even that far into my 30s - and while I still wholeheartedly believe that last thing about how young (and self destructive) 20 year olds are, I'm also kind of like 'huh, actually nobody I know that age has their shit remotely together and frankly the reason this fucked me up is because NEITHER of us knew what the fuck we were doing it how to cope, for different reasons and at different life stages, and there probably wasn't any malice or intent to control as much as there was Blind Flailing.'
#red said#this is about one specific relationship btw.#wanted to clarify that because there have been several men over 30 who fucked me up between the ages of 16 and 21#and i adamently do NOT want to keep pretending that was incompetence. that was predation. sometimes incompetent predation.#but with the person I'm thinking of? she really hurt me and the age gap and difference in life stage was a not insubstantial factor#but mostly she was just spiralling out really badly and i offered her something to hold and she did try to keep things balanced and safe#but she was very off balance at the time. so the fucking up was more that than it was about power or control#we were just both very stupid and very sensible at the same time which is a great way to dig yourselves deeper#and idk I'm like 2 or 3? years younger than she was when we met iirc#and the closer i get to her age the more I'm like yeah you know that's a human reaction. i can see how that happens.#and i kind of feel bad for the amount of bitterness I've held and malice I've ascribed because ultimately#i think it was just two people having different crises trying and failing to figure out boundaries around them#but this has come on really suddenly and it's kind of fucking me up as well#cause I'm frightened of falling back into patterns of oh it's never anyone else's fault that i got hurt#but i don't. thiiiiink so? bc it's really only this one thing. i am not making these excuses for other people.#idk. sometimes people just fuck each other up.#I'm not even sure i think it was a bad thing that it happened. a lot of bad happened but we also catalyzed a lot of change in each other.#i feel like the reason i keep picking at this is that it's complicated. it was not good. it was good.#she really fucked me up and she was a terrible friend to me at times. but she was also the first person to really look after me.#and she kind of helped me start to learn how to need other people. which was good.#when my grandma died she wrapped me in a blanket and cancelled her plans to watch TV on the couch with me#even though she barely knew me at that point#and she was one of the first people to consistently ask for consent and check in. and she did genuinely care about me.#but she also truly fucked me over a couple of times.#but mostly that was just because she was buried in a pit of despair and self loathing.#she seems a lot happier now. i hope she is. i don't know if i want to know her particularly but i think if she's happy she'd be nice to know
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Hate having adhd went to go work on my fallout modpack, got distracted while going to disable the steam overlay, ended up in the points shop, went to go edit my profile, decided to change my pfp, found a buried folder I forgot existed, found some old Veneer art I forgot existed, spent 45 minutes looking at all the old photos, STILL HAVE NOT TOGGLED ONE SIMPLE OPTION THAT SHOULD'VE TAKEN 30 SECONDS AT MOST
#I'm shocked I have these drawings scanned on my pc I don't remember doing that I must've done it before I left in case my mom threw all my#Art out again#Anyway at age 12 I was writing a better '3 merpeople go on land to find a 4th one that has been disguised as a human all his life' story#Than Ma/ko Merm/aids EVER did so uh. Take that Jonathan#God it sucks so bad that kid me would've LOVED MM if it just DIDN'T HAVE THE STUPID GENDER WAR BULLSHIT#Literally the entire first and second season is just. So fucking stupid. I wrote a God damn essay about how they fumbled Erik's story SO BAD#I don't even LIKE Erik BUT THEY DID HIM SO DIRTY#THE CHARACTER POTENTIAL AND WRITING COULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN ZANE B. S1 OF H2O BUT THEY THREW IT AWAY AND FOR WHAT!!!!!!!#Seriously you're telling me a kid who was abandoned his entire life for being male didn't have a bigger impact on the pod than FUCKING ZAK?#That plot twist of 'oh actually Zak was a merman all along' was 100% so they could guilt free write Erik out#Instead of like. Having him face his actions or redeem himself in like. Any way. He just fucks off. THEN the pod is like lol Zac were sorry#We're sorry for literally not doing anything to you because you were privledged enough to have a mother who was super ultra powerful#So you were never really affected by our actions until JUST now. Unlike that other fuckface Erik who suffered his whole life alone#Also then in s3 there are STILL no mermen in the pod. Not even little mermen babies. No kids and teens they've welcomed back n apologized to#NOTHING#God. Mm pisses me off dude#AND I STILL HAVENT TOGGLED THAT FUCKING OPTIONS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#Cruddy rambles#God I'm not done I'm sorry fallout can wait YOU ARE TELLING ME THE GUY WHO TELLS US HOW SHITTY MERMAN BABIES R TREATED BY THE POD. IS NOT#THE SAME ONE THE POD APOLOGIZES TO IN THE SEASON FINALE BECAUSE THEY WROTE IN A SHITTY PLOT TWIST?#AUUUUUUUHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG#It's so bad. It's so fucking bad. It's so needlessly gendered and for what. They could've just had 2 rival warring pods#What pisses me off the most is that s3 (4) completely pivots and never really follows thru with the s1 and 2 story arcs#The writers just kinda wash thsir hands of that because 'hey the pod said sorry to zac' BUT THEN NOTHING ACTUALLY CHANGES!!!!#Maybe instead of having a constantly rotating cast of characters s3 (4) could've instead focused on Ondina and Erik's relationship a bit#Maybe have Ondina tell him she wants to just stay friends because she can't trust him. Have him IDK grow and change as a character?#Maybe so you can show kids nobody is born evil and we all need support systems and healthy relationships to grow and become better people??#THAT would've been a GOOD FOLLOW THROUGH#But no instead u just write him out of the show and never show any OTHER mermen who were exiled being welcomed back#Like u had Ondina becoming a teacher... Why not have Zac become a teacher for all the new mermen who were just recently welcomed back??
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