#she has hurt and stressed out multiple friends of mine with her repeated actions

[your-local-grinning-cat]

I was fuming about this.

The fact that she straight up lied to you to get you to admit that you were scared of her and her Malleus account? And then never apologized for that lie? Never even acknowledged it? And then just proceeded to give excuses for her actions?

And of course, later she said she would take the criticisms into account and try to do better and tone down the meanness, scariness, and, honestly, oocness.

And has she actually done that?

Absolutely not.

If she had, and had taken the other numerous hints that multiple people have dropped several times in that discord server that she needed to stop, we wouldn’t be here, now would we? :)

guys i'm in my hot sexy villain arc

[sarahburness]

3 Things That Are Helping Me Deal with Stress, Pain, and Loss

“Being on a spiritual path does not prevent you from facing times of darkness; but it teaches you how to use the darkness as a tool to grow.” ~Unknown

Life has not been kind lately.

My aunt passed away in October. She had been suffering from cancer, but her family kept the extent of her illness to themselves, and hence I did not have a chance to see her before she passed away. I felt bad about that.

My father followed her a month later, just after Thanksgiving. He had been ailing from Parkinson’s Disease, but his death as well was not expected when it happened.

Two weeks after him, a friend of mine who lives abroad informed me of her diagnosis with a rare form of incurable cancer. She has since passed away before I had a chance to visit her. She was not yet fifty years old.

Right after that happened, the veterinarian diagnosed my dog with heart failure, and his days too are numbered.

In mid-January, my mother, who had been depressed after my father’s death, collapsed with a seizure. A tumor was discovered in her brain. Though easily removed, it was traced back to her lung. She too has a rare form of aggressive cancer and though outwardly healthy, her life will probably be limited to months or a couple of years.

The whole ordeal until diagnosis unfolded over the course of an extremely stressful month, and the future is both frightening and terribly uncertain. Because of this uncertainty, I have needed to change my life plans—I had been ready to relocate and change jobs.

In the last two weeks, I have had another friend in her forties diagnosed with advanced cancer with a poor prognosis, and my sister’s marriage has come apart.

Every week it seems brings some new tragedy. As just about everyone who knows me has said: “It’s a lot.” It certainly is.

I can’t put a happy face on this. Life has just been awful, and I wake up each day praying for no more bad news. There has been such a procession of misfortune that I feel more numb than anything else.

And yet, I haven’t been destroyed. I’m not depressed. When someone is depressed, whether it's situational or clinical, they often become self-obsessed and turn just about any event, however positive, into a negative commentary on their life. I’ve been there before, and this is not depression.

I’m scared, but I feel strong. I know I can handle this. And, I’m very thankful—thankful for what gave me the strength to endure these times: my spiritual journey.

In 2012, after a years-long series of illnesses, bad romantic relationships, frayed friendships, work drama, and general instability in my life, I had a total breakdown.

By “breakdown” I mean the whole nine yards—massive depression, professional psychological help, medication, and inability to work or even function normally. However, following this breakdown came the clichéd spiritual awakening.

This spiritual awakening taught me so many things, most of which you’ve probably already read about, for example: the ego, the importance of being present, the power of vulnerability, etc.

It was such a fragile period of intense learning and growth built atop a well of deep suffering. It felt terrible, but I learned and changed so much. Though it’s unlikely that I will experience such drastic spiritual growth in such a short period of time again, I realized that I had embarked on a life-long spiritual journey with no end.

Along the way, there have been fewer but no less rewarding “Aha moments” and new realizations made possible by the consciousness I had gained. Furthermore, there have been many spiritual tests, and each time I worry that I will fail to live the lessons I’ve already internalized, I surprise myself and come through.

And now I’ve reached an objectively extraordinarily difficult time. This is not a crisis of egoic drama or hurt feelings but real pain—physical suffering and death for so many people who I care about in a matter of months.

While the spiritual journey is a continuum with multiple themes that are difficult to unravel from each other, there are a few concepts that are sustaining me through it all:

1. Presence and the now

The weight of all of it has pushed me into a very intense NOW. I try not to hope because hope has let me down a lot recently, but perhaps more importantly, hope is focused on an unknowable and largely inalterable future. Though in the context of a lot of terrible events, rarely is there anything wrong with this very moment. Despite the pain of recent events, right now there is so much going right.

Choosing to focus on the good isn’t delusional—it’s an accurate reflection of reality.

My mother is dying. We don’t know when and there isn’t too much we can do, but thinking of that future is enough to ruin every day. And yet, with our time together now so valuable, I have no choice but to be fully present with her as much as I can.

I have experienced so much loss recently, but bitterly clinging to that loss will distract me from the precious time I have left with my mother and friends, and it will do nothing to bring back my dad, my aunt, or anyone else.

However, there isn’t much wrong with right now. My mom isn’t suffering, I’m lucky to be free from work to be with her, and my family has come together in support of each other. The birds sing each morning, the weather is fine, and the forest near our house is beautiful. That’s all real too, and there is much joy to be had in each moment.

Should something arise in the moment, that’s when I’ll deal with it. While I do occasionally find myself worrying over the future, that serves no purpose and only spoils the now.

2. Boundaries

In times of extreme stress when so many things are going wrong, it is critical to exercise self-care; you cannot be a positive force in the world if you’re falling apart inside.

Boundaries are key to protecting your time and energy, which are particularly challenged in very difficult times, from behaviors that drain them. However, most of the time life is much easier, so we allow people to skate by and “go along to get along” as not to be difficult. After all, we don’t want to seem mean or selfish or unforgiving. We aim to please.

However, while the importance of boundaries is particularly stark in times of crisis, even in normal times they play an important role in self-care and building healthy relationships.  This is clear when we see what can happen when we don’t enforce boundaries.

Oftentimes, trying to be nice and agreeable, we allow someone to repeatedly cross the line with no repercussions. As our resentment builds, we may act out in retaliation, doing nothing helpful for ourselves or the world.

A relationship of true intimacy and mutual respect should be able to easily withstand one party making his or her boundaries clear. If the other can’t handle that, then how deep of relationship is it anyway? In fact, establishing a level of trust with someone to feel comfortable enough to discuss boundaries is in itself a sign of a strong relationship.

Enforcing boundaries involves a level of honesty that can deepen relationships.

During my mother’s time in the hospital, frustrated with being confined to bed, she unleashed a stream of vitriol at me that were without a doubt the most hurtful words anyone has ever said to me.

As difficult as it was to do with her health in such a fragile state, I felt I had no choice; I had to enforce my boundaries. If I am to be her primary caregiver, I couldn’t endure a situation in which she directs her frustrations at me—it wouldn’t work for me, and it wouldn’t work for her. Unfortunately, it was a repeated behavior of hers over many years.

Without getting into the details, we had a very frank discussion about this, and to be fair, it’s something I let her get away with for a long time by not enforcing my boundaries.

While initially very painful, this talk led to me sharing deep dark memories and thoughts I never would have otherwise said and clearing a lot of what stood in the way of our relationship as mother and son. That very likely would not have happened had I not stood firm, and I never would have established that open a relationship with her.  However long she has left in this world, I know that this issue, my past hurt from her actions, won’t stand between us again.

3. Having an open mind

When faced with a diagnosis as dire as what my mom was given, unless you completely give up, keeping an open mind is often the only way to find good news that you would have otherwise overlooked.

For example, in beginning my research on this type of cancer, I was dismayed to learn that there has been no material change to the standard of care in about forty years. All of those recent breakthroughs in cancer treatment you’ve heard about, they don’t apply to this one!

However, rather than declaring defeat right away, I did decide to dig a little deeper. What I found was that there actually are a lot of clinical trials going on in our area for this type of cancer, many of which may provide a good second-line treatment option. Moreover, one of the trial drugs is very likely to get FDA approval in the next year, giving us some options where before there was none. Taking advantage of these would require changing hospitals, so these are developments I never would have learned about had I given up.

I’ve been reminded to keep an open mind about people too. My mother, typically pretty volatile, has faced this all with amazing strength and equanimity—certainly more than I’ve shown! For someone totally uninterested in spirituality, she shown a remarkable perspective on all of this in the context of her life, with which she is very satisfied.

My sister, also going through marital problems while taking care of her baby and usually very emotional, has coped perhaps the best of any of us and has exhibited some very healthy habits for staying even. My brother, on the other hand, himself a doctor, has probably been the most scattered and emotionally crippled by the recent events.

The point is that whatever you think you know about a person, it can change any day, any time. People can surprise you, for better or worse. While it’s totally rational to make judgment calls about peoples’ strengths and weaknesses, abilities and attributes, you must always realize that you can be wrong, or that the person might change—in fact, people are changing all of time!

Spirituality is not about finding a happy hiding place insulated from temporal concerns. It’s quite the opposite—it’s about moving through life with eyes and arms wide open to whatever happens. It’s the way we get down in the mud and go through the wringer and remain who we are.

Spirituality is a muscle. It gets stronger with exercise, and exercise causes discomfort. But once recuperated, you find you’re able to lift even more weight than before.

I’ve never had to deal with such a painful series of events, and hopefully I never will again. But however insignificant what I’ve already been through seems in comparison, that past started me on a spiritual journey that prepared me for this present time. Whatever happens, I know I’ll emerge stronger from this too.

About Joshua Kauffman

Joshua Kauffman is a recovering over-achiever and workaholic. Leaving behind a high-powered life in business, he has become a world traveler, aspiring coach, and entrepreneur of pretty things. Amateur author of a recent memoir Footprints Through The Desert, he is trying to find ways to share his awakening experience, particularly to those lost in the rat race like he was.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/3-things-that-are-helping-me-deal-with-stress-pain-and-loss/

[simonesamuels]

I had a major epiphany last week.  Are you ready for it?

It’s not you.

It’s not me.

I am actually not necessarily the cause of all of my problems.

Some of you probably just read that and thought “duh,” but this was an earth-shattering, ground-breaking revelation for me.

I know I wrote about something similar in a recent post, but I felt like I had to reiterate it again.  I think it bears repeating.

It’s not you.  And it’s actually not me.

I can be very hard on myself.  When I look the great pervasive (read: utterly baffling to the point that they keep me up at night and have me crying in my journal) questions of my life (Why am I single?  Why don’t I lose weight?  Why aren’t my Zumba classes growing? Why did I fail the bar? Why? Why? Why?!!!!), the answers I come up with have historically been rooted in finding something deeply and desperately wrong with me (You’re not pretty enough.  You’re too picky.  You’re too religious.  You’re too self-sufficient.  You’re not interesting enough.  You’re not fit enough.  You need to eat better.   You’re not doing enough strength training.  You’re slow.  You’re too fat. You sometimes act like a know-it-all.  You lack discipline.  You didn’t study hard enough.  You didn’t pray hard enough.  You didn’t trust God enough.  You didn’t have enough faith.  You trusted God too much and didn’t work hard enough.  You misunderstood or misapplied some sort of discrete, obscure Biblical teaching.  Your class is too hard.  Your teaching style sucks.  You’re hard to follow.  You’re not fun.  They don’t like your music.).

(Side note: I realize that half all of these are “lies!” *Tamar voice*)

(God I miss having Tamar on “The Real”.  Oh the lies we tell ourselves.  But I digress…)

“Yourself to Blame”

If things go bad for you And make you a bit ashamed Often you will find out that You have yourself to blame

Swiftly we ran to mischief And then the bad luck came Why do we fault others? We have ourselves to blame

Whatever happens to us, Here is what we say “Had it not been for so-and-so Things wouldn’t have gone that way.”

And if you are short of friends, I’ll tell you what to do Make an examination, You’ll find the faults in you…

You’re the captain of your ship, So agree with the same If you travel downward You have yourself to blame

We are taught in our culture that we are solely responsible for our own successes… and failures.  That if there is something that is wrong in our life, it is up to us to fix it.  After all, we need to pick up ourselves by the bootstraps.  God only helps those who help themselves (which is not written anywhere in the sixty-six books of the Bible, by the way).  We are taught to analyze our role in our disappointments.  We are taught to take responsibility for our actions — and the outcomes.  Sara Eckel writes in her book It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single (this book has become my saving grace/bible), “We’re a nation that believes strongly in personal efficacy — if there’s something in your life that isn’t working quite the way you’d like, then the problem must begin and end with you.  Even people diagnosed with serious illnesses are instructed to maintain a positive attitude, as if that will make the cancer go away.”  This entire message of responsibility and taking action was meant to be empowering, to teach us not to live life passively, to take charge of our lives, and to be active in creating the change we want to see.

What has happened, however, is many of us have taken these messages to heart, and when things don’t work out the way we planned or despite our best efforts, we take it out on ourselves because we have learned that there is no one else to blame, and it is childish and immature to blame our misfortunes on others.

Where these cultural messages fail and fall short, however, is they leave no room for fate, circumstance or situations beyond our control.  My life is teaching me that sometimes it’s not my fault, and that while I own my actions, I don’t control the outcome (Proverbs 16:33).  I’m learning that sometimes — many times — it’s not me.  It’s just the circumstance in which I find myself.

In case this all seems abstract, let me explain.

Last week Sunday, I went to Movati Trainyards to teach Aqua Zumba only to see that my class had doubled in size from the week prior.  If you read my last post in my Chronicles of a Plus-Sized Zumba Instructor series, ever since I started out as a group fitness instructor, I’ve had small class sizes.  Perhaps I am not as popular as I had expected/wanted to be (Side bar: Sooooo… you should know that I have a slight preoccupation with class sizes that I need to get over).  My Aqua Zumba class at Carlingwood, on the other hand, has now dwindled to about 2 or 4 people on a Monday and Wednesday.  But lo and behold — here I was that Sunday at Trainyards and I was greeted by 20 smiling women in the shallow end.  I was so taken aback I began thinking about what would happen if this class grows anymore.  It was a pleasant surprise. 🙂

So what changed?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  At least, I didn’t change.  I had the same choreography as the week prior.  I teach the same choreo at Carlingwood and Trainyards.  I didn’t really change my songs.  I’m the same person and I teach the same way at all of the facilities where I teach.  The only change I could think of was that we turned the page from the month of April to May.  Similarly, my “land” Zumba classes are also growing.

It got me thinking… “Hmm… So maybe the size of my classes is not directly correlative to my teaching after all.” Yes Simone. Maybe it’s the weather.

In my earlier days of teaching Zumba, there was a lady in my class who would hardly acknowledge my existence when I said “hi” or “bye” to her.  Months went by.  I wondered why she was so shy and why she would never make eye contact with me.  One night, after class, after everyone had left, she came back into the studio and we chatted a bit (much to my great surprise!).  I learned that one of my songs — “YMCA” by the Village People — reminded her of her ex-husband who she discovered was gay….  Hmm… It got me thinking, “Maybe it’s not your teaching after all.  Maybe people don’t make eye contact with you because they are hurting.”  Basically, maybe it’s not you.

I have finally swallowed my pride and I’m seeing a therapist.  We talked about the bar exam (among other things).  She said, “It makes no sense — to have all of these good grades and then fail the exam over and over?”  I nodded.  We determined that it wasn’t necessarily my studying strategy — it was how the law societies test students, how they give feedback (or not, depending on the law society) and the fact that I don’t typically do well on multiple choice exams (I already knew that though).  There are systemic issues to be taken into account as well.  Bar exams, especially the Ontario bar, don’t test knowledge; they test a student’s ability to test well.  They test how well one can conform to testing mechanisms and how well one can perform under manufactured stressful circumstances.

Basically, it’s not completely my fault.  It’s not me (or, at least, it’s not just me).

Every once in a while, I’ve been having “coffee” with this guy I used to work with.  Ok  yes — he’s cute, but it’s nothing serious — just someone to talk to and touch base with once in a while.  He’s currently finishing up his dissertation, and he shared with me the challenges of trying to date while writing a thesis, and the difficulty in and inevitability of breaking off these budding relationships due to competing obligations.

Let’s pretend this was actually going somewhere (because who knows — the jury’s still out on this one.  God I hope he is not reading this post!!!).  If he hadn’t shared that tidbit of information with me, and if he had suddenly stopped all communication, I would definitely have personalized it (“Another one bites the dust.” “Maybe I’m not interesting enough?!” “Maybe I’m not attractive.” “What is it about me that make men run?”).

But now I know that if I don’t hear from him for some time — it wasn’t necessarily my fault.  It’s not me.  He has a thesis to finish.  That’s important, and I can’t blame him.  He may not have intended it as such, but I’ve been forewarned.

Last year, a guy invited me over to his place and cooked me dinner.  Yes.  I know right?  I was like, “Wow.  Finally!  A real date!  Yay!”  A friend of mine later told me that this very male friend of mine — yes the one who cooked me dinner and danced salsa with me in his kitchen — was gay.

Again, if I didn’t know, and the person had suddenly stopped expressing interest, I would have torn into myself and picked at each one of my flaws one by one.  Sometimes it’s not you.  Sometimes the guy is gay.

Knowing all of this background information helps me put my many insecurities at rest, keeps me from beating myself up, allows me to cut myself some slack and permits me to extend myself some grace.

What I am trying to say is that so many of us blame ourselves for our failed love lives (or lives in general).  Our friends and our relatives often join in too (hurray!).  The thing is, often times there is more going on behind the scenes to which we are not privy.  There are other factors and challenges unbeknownst to us and having absolutely nothing to do with us.  Sometimes it’s as simple as the right person but wrong time.  You can’t change that.  It’s not a matter of will or effort.  It’s a matter of fate and faith.  And so when something seemingly promising doesn’t work out, sometimes — many times — it’s not you.  It really isn’t.

So I sigh with a deep sigh of relief.  Knowing it’s not me is a comforting thought.  It relieves me of guilt.  It keeps me from holding a magnifying glass to my flaws.  I rest in peace.  It allows me to move on and go forward.

It helps me exercise more self-compassion.  And by exercising more self-compassion, it helps me be more compassionate and empathetic in general, which I think is important.

I wrote in my “Sometimes It’s Not You” post:

Sometimes it’s not you.  Sometimes you can be doing all of the right things but not seeing the desired outcome.  You can be eating well and having sex and still not get pregnant.  You can be exercising and eating well and still not lose weight.  You can be dating a whole bunch of people, “putting yourself out there” as they say, and still be hopelessly single.  You can study hard for an exam and still fail.  You can be giving your all as a group fitness instructor, and still have a small class.  Sometimes it’s not you.  Sometimes it’s just the circumstance.  Part of life is learning how to live with the discomfort and yet still move forward.  Not that you need to be a victim of circumstance, but each disappointment gives us an opportunity to address the unrelenting question, “Now what?” and our answer will determine the scope and depth of our disappointment.  Sometimes the answer is, “I’ve given all that I got.  Imma just do me and enjoy the ride.” And that’s ok too.

Sara Eckel writes in her book, responding to the reception and acclaim of her New York Times article, “Sometimes It’s Not You”, “I think I reconnected them with a small kernel of wisdom they already had, one that said, I don’t think I need to change.  I think I’m perfectly lovable, exactly as I am.”

I am perfectly lovable, exactly as I am.

I am perfectly lovable, exactly as I am.  It’s not me. *Sighs deep sigh of relief*

In closing, to quote Sara Eckel again (God I love her), “What’s wrong with me?  Plenty.  But that was never the point.”

Featured Photo Credit: Brian Rea

It’s Not You: Why We Need to Stop Blaming Ourselves for Every Little Thing I had a major epiphany last week.  Are you ready for it? It's not you. It's not me.