#she gets at least 70 messages if i have something to say

[anchored-nyctophilia]

are you really best friends if you don't threaten to block each other regularly

[beatrice-otter]

I really like John Scalzi's analysis of the whole wtfery of this. (I'm not a great fan of his books, I think he's really overrated as a novelist, but his political commentary and commentary on the SF/F world is interesting.)

I think he has a good point about how while the initial panic about his bad performance at the debate was genuine (and if he'd done better, he'd never have withdrawn), but also that once there was panic, he decided how to manage things to maximize Harris' chances at both getting the nomination and winning the election.

Consider that the announcement was made on the Sunday after the Republican National Convention, and after the Sunday morning political talk shows were put to bed, i.e., after the GOP political capital was spent slagging Biden, and when professional spinners would be caught flat-footed by the announcement. Biden’s news was quickly followed by his endorsement of Kamala Harris, which in turn was followed by a flood of endorsements for Harris across the Democratic political firmament, effectively slamming the door on any serious challenge to Harris at the upcoming Democratic National Convention. If you think something like that just happens spontaneously, well, one, bless your heart, and two, you’re wrong. This was a work, a rope-a-dope, and a strategy to energize the Democratic base and to toss what little momentum the GOP had coming out of their convention down a deep, dark hole. And it worked! Harris raised an huge amount of money for her campaign in its first day — $49 million at least, and I’ve heard up to $70 million — and the GOP messaging was in disarray, limited largely to Trump whining on Truth Social, Stephen Miller freaking out on Fox News, and Mike Johnson trying to suggest that the Democrats can’t do that, it isn’t fair. Which is just what the Democrats wanted out of this. ... The current iteration of the GOP has been mask-off racist and sexist for some time, and Donald Trump sets the tone for the party on this score. Be expecting the whole array of nonsense from them, from dog whistles to flat out racist and sexist shit, said out loud, and also all over the former Twitter by Trump’s pet fascists and/or Russian bots. I guarantee you it will be nothing Kamala Harris has not heard before, but you might see a couple of new ones. The GOP outsourced their policy making to The Heritage Foundation with its Project 2025, which is already deeply unpopular, probably because it’s terrible for anyone who is not already a billionaire cryptofascist with a cross fetish. The GOP can’t go after Harris on policy grounds, and Trump doesn’t do policy anyway. So expect endless variations of she’s an uppity black woman for the next several months. ... Also, Biden has manifestly changed the narrative around both himself and his presidency. I didn’t want him to stop running for re-election, but choosing to do so allows for a “country over self” positioning that’s a hugely effective contrast to Trump’s “I’m running to avoid prison and to get revenge” narrative. It also allows a fresh reframing of the Biden administration’s achievements and accomplishments, and positions Harris to say she will continue them. Biden can lean into the whole “Grandpa Joe” thing now, and have it seen as a positive rather than a negative. ... To put it another way, after eight years, we know what the hard cap is on Trump’s support. We don’t know what the cap is yet for Harris’ support. History does suggest that cap is higher than Trump’s.

[the-other-art-blog]

I had been debating about posting this or not, but I'm going to because this fandom is getting on my nerves even worse than in the last 2 years.

And just to be clear before anyone accuses me of anything, I invite you to spend one minute on my blog. My favorite book is AOFAG. Even when I am highly HIGHLY critical of Benedict for being an absolute jerk for about 70% of the story, Sophie Beckett is the greatest character that Julia has ever written. She's everything that's good in the world 🥹 and her strength saves this story. Benedict has awesome moments and he apologizes in the end, which is rare in JQ's books, so, he has that on his favor + an incredible love confession that Luke T will absolutely nail (I still think JQ cannot write class-difference stories but whatever) Show!Ben is everything book!Sophie deserves and is going to make the adaptation so much better. I can't wait to see that.

I need Sophie in my life.

I've also written many stories about benophie and posted a lot of love for them for the past 2 years.

And you know what I have also seen in those 2 years? Benophie stans being vile, aggressive, rude, and simply put, absolute bitches. They claim to stan Sophie because of how kind she was despite her circumstances but when the news of s3 came out, they turned into full-time haters.

Now that the antipolin blog published something about the actors they like (they even lied about Claudia Jessie!), NOW they are cutting ties with that account and publishing what seems like "PR statements" (loved how a fan called this on tw) saying that the admin of that blog does not represent them. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE. AND FALSE. Forgive me for not believing you but that blog repeated the same lies you were all saying.

A few months ago, an account on tw posted something like "I have never seen a Benophie being hateful or attacking Polin." Obviously, Polins began replying with ss of the anti blog and other crazy stans. And I didn't see any big account of Benophie come out and admit that that was wrong or cut ties with those problematic people.

For 2 years,

You called Nic an alcoholic and lazy when she posted about Champagne Fridays.

You called Luke Newton ugly every chance you got.

You cut him out of promotional photos and bts or you put something on his face, even when the photos were shared BY HIM. You use HIS photos where Luke T appeared to throw hate at him.

You made tasteless and aggressive comments about the actors and Polin for 2 years, and whenever someone called you out for that, you claimed it to be a joke and that we lacked humor. It even happened on Benophie week 2023 by the account that organizes it!

You claimed that Nic had access to the writers' room, force s3 to be hers, and purposely took SA's screen time and promo opportunities. Nic had to come out and ask all of you to stop sending hate. The unfairness of promo/screen time for Kanthony was not something Nic or Luke did, blame production for that.

You say her activism is performative cause it would kill you to admit that she's doing something good that other actors have ignored so far.

There was not one single post made by the Bton accounts or JQ that did not contain hate toward the actors/ship on the comments, even today that Benophie season is confirmed.

Even a few months ago, I published a few posts about s3. They were positive posts about Pen's makeover and how important it was for me, and this is the kind of messages I got:

Was it from a Benophie? I don't know, but it wouldn't surprise me. Also, this is the only one I ss, but I got at least 4 of them after this post (x).

Those very people who are crying right now that Benophies is being associated with the anti polin bitch were spreading the same rumors that she mentioned. And they never showed remorse!

Don't come now and say it's just ONE antipolin blog that spread all the hate. She's not talking to herself either, those anons are real because her posts have likes, so she definitely has an audience. I've met them. Unfortunately, every group chat or discord channel about Benophie is not a safe place for anyone who enjoys Polin.

And yes, I know there are equally disgusting people on the Polin fandom that I have also blocked cause they keep attacking Marina, they claim Pen is a saint when she made big mistakes, and they have also spread rumors and insulted fans and actors like Simone Ashley and Ruby Barker, not to mention the people who are obsessed with LukexNic and attack his gf. Like seriously people, you all need to be institutionalized. There is a big HUGE problem in that fandom too, but right now certain benophies are acting all innocent when I have been here also for 2 years witnessing their hate. No! I can't.

I also can't stand that most of them are loving Cressida because the patriarchy forced her to be an absolute bitch. But Pen is the antiChrist.

Some of them even justify Richard's neglect and abuse. "Richard couldn't leave Sophie with anyone else," "Richard truly loved Sophie." Seriously people.

I know most of them will ignore my post, block me even or come to my inbox to insult me. And I don't care. I haven't seen any other person admitting how hypocritical they are being.

If this offends you, I will assume you participated in the 2-year tantrum against Polin.

That's it. End of rant.

Sorry to be so negative but this really pissed me off. That statement! The nerve!!!! Ok ok, now I'm done.

Next, I will post much more positive, lovely Benophie stuff. These people are not going to ruin Benophie season for me.

[oflights]

allie i've been trying to gather the courage to reread close behind honestly ever since i first read it in march last year but i've been too. emotionally distraught to actually do so but! i've literally thought about it probably twice each week. and now i'm finally actually almost over my ex so i should just bite the bullet but im SCARED bc the last time i cried for 5 hours

like i literally remember 2 am on a weekday in literally -2 C weather and i sat on my balcony, wrapped in a blanket, chain smoking and reading at the same time, tears streaming down my face. all this to say i long for that catharsis but i'm. scared

omg. anon!! first of all it's probably weird how happy this kind of message makes me lol, like yay, i left you emotionally ravaged!!! mission accomplished!!

second of all: just remember the happy ending! read the last chapter first, and keep it in your mind as you read the rest!! think about everything that could come after it, too, like:

harry and draco's first awkward af date in hogsmeade. ron, daphne, their kids, and scorpius all follow them in various disguises courtesy of george and they are very obvious but harry and draco are too into each other to notice.

draco never wears black again. for every date with harry, he wears a different set of brightly-colored, over-the-top robes.

he steals harry's colorful fair isle sweaters all the time, too.

oh and he gets a weasley sweater like, day one of his renewed relationship with harry. molly had actually been knitting him a bunch over the years but held them back because she didn't want to make things weird or upset harry, so there's a backlog to get through. some have a little dragon stitched on them and ron is super jealous.

their first holiday at the burrow? emotional, life-changing, beautiful, cathartic. harry weeps at least five times. ginny punches him for old time's sake.

speaking of, headmaster harry who holds regular office hours for all hogwarts students in case they ever need to talk to him about something. even if they just want to talk about socks.

(headmaster harry who gets all embarrassed whenever anyone calls him "the youngest hogwarts headmaster in a century")

terrifying new DADA professor hermione granger, who is distressingly unpopular amongst the students because they're all too intimidated by her and it takes her a while to learn how to deal with kids.

until she skips out on a hogsmeade weekend to scandalously elope with a much younger former department of mysteries intern and then she's just incredibly cool to them.

and listen. scorpius locks himself in his room when he finds out about harry and draco's past. he asks draco if he'd ever loved astoria and makes draco cry. draco teaches him that the heart is a universe and he doesn't have any regrets and a wonderful future doesn't invalidate a past he was truly happy in.

and then!! there's stepdad harry. my favorite thing. scorpius asks harry how he knew he was gay. harry gives scorpius the invisibility cloak and asks him to help perfect his disillusionment charm in return. scorpius asks harry to rig the house cup for slytherin as his birthday gift. harry refuses, even though draco thinks it's only fair.

harry and draco date, get engaged, get married in their 40s. they go back and forth between hogwarts and the hogsmeade cottage (which includes ron and daphne's fam like 70% of the time too; harry loves summers spent as part of the extended weasley-greengrass-malfoy-potter family). draco eventually retires from curse-breaking and becomes a nepo hire charms professor after scorpius graduates.

they really do live happily ever after, after all that. promise. 😌

[humanmorph]

PALISADE 28.crazy good this week etc

New radio person for the intro...! This comes at a good moment. I still miss Baldwin Home like. That very first PALISADE intro is genuinely so hard to beat... but this feels good. I'm once again thinking about Austin writing these... The style used for Black Screens intros obviously shines through (she's his protégé) but she does have her own voice already (way more rhyming? I mean, I'd have to doublecheck HIS intros, it's literally just a feeling). Just the tone used and intonation already does a lot. Austin is so good at this fr. I'm still curious how he even approaches that. Also the "watch me unloose 80 Ls on these next lines" I knewwww that's 80 Ls for real as soon as Parti said illogical. I wonder if he wrote that bit first trying to see how many Ls he could fit in there & then finetuned it to get to a good number? I guess that's just how I would do it.

(who knows if we'll ever get a description for Parti. we never did for Black. maybe if she shows up in a conflict turn somehow? so im just fuckin around for now... i haven't sold myself on the clothes. i'm just not a fashion guy. but i do like the braids)

Oh & new guy alert part 2!!! New Keith character! And he has a funny hat. Not even funny as in goofy it just makes me laugh a bit because my dad and maybe every 5th 70+ y/o man I see has a hat like that. Love the sequin poncho.

(btw I am almost certain Keith has posted a picture of that teapot on Cohost before... He posts about tea sometimes so there's at least a chance. I mean the description of the coloring he gives is actually pretty good IMO, you can work with that, but I as an artist I like to have a visual reference. EDIT: someone just asked him. thank you keith and also rosecrest)

I have the. I got Armor Astir & a lot of the playbooks other people made in a bundle a while back and I'm real torn if I should just look at the Investigator because I'm really curious. But. I also love to be surprised. So I probably won't, but it's good to know I COULD, if I wanted to. Anyways, I was pretty sure it'd be another B-Plot character too, just because it makes sense. Brnine COULD go alone on a B-Plot, I guess, but it's more fun with 2 groups to jump between, surely. Though this means the Eclectic-Brnine dynamic is crucial! I hope they can meet up soon... But yeah I just really am gonna miss Phrygian backing them up and cheering and clapping and asking questions. They were so fun together... A great team :' (

ok so I wrote everything else about Eclectic down yesterday & then noted down "vibes?" as break between paragraphs because all I had at that point was the description & I wanted to get back to this. And ooohhh my god the vibes are fucking immaculate right off the bat I'm having a hard time to not Already be obsessed with this guy he's SO funny conceptually and it KEPT getting better... Truly delighted with this new type of guy (& Keith is doing a voice!). And I fucking love the hooks. Truly so great to me. The thought of these getting loosened OR deepened is already really really good. "Leap says"..... oh it's SO funny I keep laughing to myself

And I'm VERY excited it's a delegate like genuinely so happy. I was mourning the loss of a branched onscreen (okay.I still am) but this does make it worth it. Ever since they got introduced basically I so badly wanted to know anything more about them, but especially what Austin mentioned in the episode itself: the delegates relationships to the divines they are made from & of course the divines themselves (who are alive!!! Apparently that was already written in a dossier way back when, but I rarely read those). That has me sooo excited.

Oh and the like... I only thought about this just now but the connection there to Thisbe's new project is. That's gotta be something! "The divine who's being held captive somewhere on this planet, and has been tortured for millennia" hearing a message of... That this can end & rest is possible and it's SO CLOSE? But does that just make it worse... Ohhhhh. Yeah this rules. What a great idea.

That project generally is really... god, I love Thisbe so much. I love how Janine talks about her and what she thinks and why she does what she does. Thisbe's relationship to work and being a tool and of use is so interesting to put here, with the divines wanting to rest. (And Janine saying something like... Thisbe thinks of herself in relation to divines how Mow is to her? Kind of?) And saying it seems so solitary a project... every divine should know about it. Every divine deserves the right to rest. But it's also a call to action of sorts when she talks about like... "shouldn't you want to protect this?" I think her "Fighting is not my purpose, but there is nowhere else for me until the fighting is over." hook could be in conservation here too... Also I'm just looking forward for Thisbe to Broadcast again. It was like, one of her things in PARTIZAN. I really liked her & Cori working on this together with the. Experience they just had behind them. Sylvi & Janine reading the hooks for each others characters kind of sheepishly was soooo funny "I forgot how bitchy this was!". That's good stuff to me. (as an aside: god, Thisbe has always had good as hell hooks/beliefs/whatever else. Remember "Operant Broun lies to me because they believe I am a person."? Banger. ) I also love that she thought of this/about this at the rib(?) of Barricade. Barricade as an axiom who had this close (& good, protective) relationship with another axiom...

btw now that Leap is NOT coming back I do miss him a bit. Mostly out of principle like I am So happy we have Eclectic but Leap is my guy.... shoutout to him... being a bitch bastard pirate out there in space... + shoutout to Figure A too always : ) (speaking of, on the Gathering Information Extra bit from today he talked about if he had played Leap, picking a class that also had like, a crew, and I'm mostly just really curious who that would've been. I would love for Keith to make up some funny guys for Leap to order around. I wonder if Eclectic or an Eclectic type would've been on that?)

(Also Leap investigating Motion. Ok. To ME it's at least partly bc this was so important to Millie. And he has reason to be concerned generally he fought Motion too but. That's MILLIE'S rival! And it doesn't even have to be at the front of his mind when he does this. Maybe it isn't. But it's real & it's something to remember her by through actual action. Because he's not the sentimental type.Do you get me.?)

Brnine talk show. This was sooo good. After they joked about it in PAL25 too. I recognized the hosts name, but wasn't quite sure from where until I read the dossier - of course he's that guy from the podcast. God. I have got to relisten to that sometime... I remember Ali on one of the recent Gathering Information ep (the one w/ Austin on, I think) mentioning a conversation that was like. stressful to do. and then also to listen to? (since she has to for production/editing) and I figured it would be another Gucci-type talk but ooohh my god. This was sooo. EDIT: ACTUALLY what if it wasn't even. What if it's about to be this talk with Rye edit: GALLICA i cant believe noone called me on this. mixing my elects up. rye is the one gur killed (mvp). Austin was sounding a bit ominous about it at the end of this episode! HUGE shoutouts to Ali again she is just absolutely killing it this season for real... And I honestly feel like overall Brnine was, considering the situation, doing very well. Genuinely. You're feverish and hollowblooded and have this fucking. Guy needling you & asking the stupidest questions... & like. "You made Kalmeria. They'd never let you rot in jail." of courseeee they want Brnine working for them. They're so GOOD at what they do. They messed with the parts of A Fucking Divine. . I just had a scary thought and it involved Mustard Red. But. Surely not. Nooo. I'm shaking my head. However Arbitrage? An Arbitrage deal (like they tried to make them take before) would work just perfectly for this, wouldn't it...

some other stuff:

When Austin mentioned Grand Mag in that vision Cori had I thought something like 'man. sucks to be him : (' but like. In a genuine way. "I can't stop it from hurting people a little"........... Hah oh wow I just thought of this but I am so excited for people who haven't listened to TM to meet him now. He's not even my favourite he just makes me crazy in a way almost no other character does? Like there's something so WRONG with him. And there's things wrong with a lot of FatT characters but it's like... Well. Grand Magnificent.

I love the thought of them watching Brnines interview at the next movie night (POOR BRNINE.) but I also want to know what Eclectic would pick for movie night. Oh and Partial too. Though he may not be staying I would still really love to know. Partial coming on board for the mission has me intrigued generally.

Oh and Gur talking! Even if just a little. I still feel so bad for them. "I believe in whispers in ears"... and they have reason to now. Figure is a person trying their best to do good & make changes, which is what Gur wants. I just wish they weren't a specter haunting someone elses body & what even happens when Figure rolls a 10+. Is Gur still there and Figure just stops seeing him? oohh it hurts a bit.you can't do this to him you can't (related: I extremely forgot about the other specters and ghosts and ghouls and whatnot that Figure can also see. It's not just my friend Gur Sevraq. Looking forward to hear more about that & how it affects Figure so much as to roll with disadvantage!)

Love to learn just a little more about devotion. I really need to just relisten to that again & think about it a bit harder.

At one point Austin says "Still flanked by guards, you are" and it caught me off guard & made me wheeze. He didn't even do that on purpose . I get him I do this way too often(realize I forgot to say part of a sentence and pack it at the end)

[retrieve-the-kraken]

Heartstopper season 2 play-by-play analysis

This one is going to be looooong, because I delve deep into THAT scene (you know which one). The Paris Squad is back to reality, and for some it’s harsher than others, it’s facing some harsh truths and some changes and some situations that they’re not ready for… There are some very cathartic moments, and some not

Off we go!

EPISODE 7 - SORRY

- Love Tara’s super colorful, kind of 70s vibe bedroom decor, especially that bedspread.

- Tara’s mum’s exasperated face clearly saying “you really expect me to believe that you’ve been asleep in separate beds this entire time?”

- Nick’s smile fading as soon as he notices Charlie’s plate in the photo. And Charlie’s smile fading when Ben’s message comes through. Excuse me, Charlie, why haven’t you blocked him? Unless you did, and now he’s created a new account…? (Didn’t it use to say Ben Hope, and now it says ben_h_999?)

- Even better than Tara’s colorful room is Elle’s super artsy maximalist bedroom. Need to analyze every single element in it. I particularly love her bed, the wall color, that line of hanging leaves, and the flat metal solar system.

A little sad that we didn’t get to see the moment which inspired Elle to finish her art piece. Did she get over her artistic block before the terrible date with Tao? It would have been interesting to understand that, despite her new friendship with Naomi and Felix, she still found inspiration in her old friends.

- I love that Tao’s mum is not so traditional that she would object to her son dating a non-Asian, Black trans girl, but traditional enough that she’s spreading the news to all the aunties, like they’ve all been waiting for this, like they got together all the time and talked about when is Tao going to get his head in the game and get together with Elle??? “We’ve all been waiting for this day! The perfect girl for my perfect boy!” Also love that Tao’s dance moves are still as histrionic as ever.

- Sometimes I’m Tori, but when it comes to traveling, I’m definitely Charlie. But I’m definitely Tori when it comes to worrying about who’s that texting my little brother so insistently, making Charlie look sour.

- Both Tao and Elle changing their minds about what they were going to text, but in Tao’s case it’s because he didn’t want to be a downer, and in Elle’s case it’s because she hasn’t made up her mind because of Tao.

- I wonder why the stink smoke/aura cartoon around Darcy’s house is purple, when purple is supposed to be the color of queer pride… and there’s none of that in Darcy’s house.

- Isaac not even laughing off the funny comments of “ooh, they’re gonna kiss”. I think it’s interesting that the whole show is about not assuming people’s sexuality or gender identity just based on speculation or how they look or act or whatever, but it also shows that even queer people make that mistake. James assumed that Isaac was gay, and all of Isaac’s friends seem to be under the same impression, or at least think that he’s something… but nobody assumes he might be asexual. I know I talk enough about thinking that this person or that person is good-looking or beautiful or hot, that people assume that I’m talking about attraction. And maybe if your friend group is composed of couples, and mostly same-sex couples, people will assume “this one hasn’t found a mate yet, but they will”, because you’re likely to, just like the rest of them…?

- Ben’s intensity and guilt-tripping is just more proof that it’s about him, about what he wants, and not about what Charlie might want.

- Nick asking Charlie hesitantly if he wants to be his prom date, and Charlie being shocked, AS IF THEY WEREN’T ALREADY BOYFRIENDS AND CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER. Children, get a grip.

- Everyone pooling their money so that Darcy can buy the suit… my heart…

- Isaac talking to James really filled all the little holes and crevices in my heart, until James says “there’s nothing wrong with you… you probably just haven’t found the right person yet,” because of course he doesn’t get it either. Most people probably don’t. So that’s what we’re told our entire lives. It’s like we think we will, but it just doesn’t work that way…but nobody tells us that, so we keep looking and waiting and feeling disappointed and wondering if we’re broken.

- But Isaac shouting and ranting at his friends was sooooo cathartic‼ Sorry guys, but mind your own business!

- Elle’s exhibition outfit is so lovely‼ But… the light turning to a sickly green on Tao as he realizes that Elle has been accepted and she’s moving away and her life is changing and she has new friends and…

- Love that the light changes to red when Isaac is listening to the artist talk about being aroace… because being asexual is just as valid as any other sexuality about love. And the comic leaves beginning to flutter around him, because he’s beginning to understand, that maybe that’s him… “Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out…”

- Elle’s style is very nice, you can definitely see that she’s a fan of Renoir, of these still scenes that captures action and movement, albeit a subdued action, like a candid photo. I love that we get to see the art classroom tree again, even if only in painting, we only got a glimpse of that room this season, it is sadly missed…

- “Please don’t base your decisions on how I feel.” That is inevitable, but it’s good that you’re saying it. A lot of growth from Tao during the course of the season, well done.

- Ben looks like he hasn’t slept in days, and he literally traveled all the way to Lambert School (which, as Tao repeatedly has stated, is sooo far away), because he saw Elle’s post and he knew that Charlie would be there, and he’s still… hopeful? (Pun not intended). Charlie, what is this magic that you cast on boys that even the shittiest person in the world is torn up about you???

- By the way, yet more green in Ben’s jacket, because green is the color of hope. He’s wearing his heart on his sleeve for once. He looks tired and a bit disheveled, with dark circles under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept properly, and he looks desperate.

- THIS WHOLE SCENE. Man… this whole scene. Joe Locke and Sebastian Bash fucking hit it out of the ballpark. Let me just…

- “If you really hate me after this, you’ll never see me again”. Here’s the thing: Ben’s whole rant is still not an apology, he’s still not acknowledging the things he did to Charlie, especially not the awful assault, and excusing himself behind being messed up and the fear of not being accepted by his parents (it’s a valid fear, but it doesn’t validate his actions). The fact that he at least acknowledges that he was a shit person and that he admits that he really liked Charlie whilst genuinely smiling makes me think that he’s not completely beyond hope (again, pun not intended), BUUUUUUUT (and this is something the girlies out there need to understand, I’ve been seeing a lot of unfortunate comments complaining that Ben is being overly demonized, and whether that means that he should suffer forever and not have any chance at redemption…) if he really wants to redeem himself, if he really wants to be a better person and make up for the pain and trauma, then he’ll actually do the work, he’ll actually get help, and he’ll work from the ground up, and he’ll apologize to Imogen too, and he’ll stop discharging all his self-hatred onto other more vulnerable people, and downplaying their feelings and hurt. He really hasn’t grasped the magnitude of the hurt that he caused Charlie, and he’s not going to get anywhere until he does. So I’m glad that Charlie tells him, and maybe this time the information was actually absorbed. (I know in the comic this speech was actually Charlie’s response to Harry apologizing for being a homophobic bully, and as much as that was satisfying, the dry “NO” before shutting the door in his face was even more satisfying. Harry’s behavior did kind of deserve that whole speech, but Ben’s absolutely deserved it more, plus everything else that Alice added, because Charlie didn’t need that closure in the comic, and maybe comic Ben didn’t need it or want it either, or maybe he did, but TV show Ben ABSOLUTELY needed to hear everything that Charlie told him, so that he could finally get it in his head). “You don’t get to ambush me into forgiving you…”

- For a moment, as Ben is explaining that his parents would never accept him, Charlie looks a bit… sad… almost sympathetic. Yes, it’s terrible to know that Ben is not that lucky in that aspect as he is, or as Nick is, etc. But then you have someone like Darcy, who much like Ben, knows that her parents would never accept her. But Darcy would never have done to Tara what Ben did to Charlie…

- And it made me realize, back in season 1 episodes 1 and 2, when Charlie recounts how he met Ben, how they started out, there is no electricity, no heartstopper moment, even before Charlie first met Nick... at no point (that we can see, at least) Charlie ever felt the flutter and excitement that he experienced when he first saw Nick, when he was near him, when their hands touched for the first time, when they were about to kiss for the first time. It was like, deep down, he knew it meant nothing, because of the secrecy, because of how Ben treated him the rest of the time, how the "magic" was zapped as soon as Ben said something like "don't tell anyone about this" and wiped his mouth and just walked out without another word...

- Heartstopper does an excellent job of showing and talking about the importance of consent and agency and communication in healthy relationships, and every instance of how bad it was between Charlie and Ben is comparable to how great it is between Charlie and Nick. Whilst Ben didn’t ask before kissing Charlie the first time, Charlie actually asked Nick before they kissed, because he would never do to Nick what Ben did to him (and they do this in multiple occasions, vocally asking each other, like at the arcade, and at the park, and in that empty classroom), and Charlie even apologized because he still worried that he might have manipulated Nick into kissing him, possibly have taken away his agency; Nick didn’t ignore Charlie at school even when he was still closeted, whilst Ben acted like Charlie even randomly saying hi to him was a huge offense; Nick constantly talked with Charlie about figuring out his sexuality and possibly coming out once he did, whilst Ben just cuttingly said that he was “figuring stuff out” but not wanting to talk about it with Charlie, the only person he knew who might have understood; and whilst Ben was suddenly kissing a girl outside the school gate without telling Charlie anything about it, Nick immediately told Charlie that he panicked and accepted a date with Imogen, even when he had no plan of going, and how bad he felt about it and that he was going to fix it. Even Nick’s behavior toward Imogen is comparable to Ben’s, that he knew that Imogen liked him but tried to find the nicest, most gentle way of turning her down and then making sure they could stay friends afterwards, whilst Ben used her for popularity and just to keep up appearances whilst still pining over Charlie, and thus treating her horribly and ignoring her, and not even being discreet at all and openly ogling Charlie in front of her… The point is, even if Ben can’t come out to his parents because he’s afraid of being rejected, and even if he’s afraid of being out at school as well, being a shit person was still a choice he made. He took advantage of Charlie’s crush on him to treat him however he pleased, kissing him in dark classrooms, to fulfill his own wants, but being mean and disdainful in public, and knowing that Charlie would put up with it because Charlie had been bullied horribly and this was the first sliver of “affection” he received after being outed, and he couldn’t believe that this cute popular boy wanted to kiss him and he simply didn’t know he could have better (thankfully he knows that now). And now that the damage is done Ben realizes that he actually really, genuinely liked Charlie this whole time and wants to be forgiven just because he’s come to his senses?

- This is why Charlie’s response is the most fucking satisfying thing ever. He tells Ben very plainly the damage that he caused, but that he’s not allowing it anymore. There’s a difference between apologizing and asking for forgiveness: when you apologize, you’re acknowledging that you did something wrong and that you’re sorry and that you’ll do your best to learn from your mistakes, but also acknowledge that the other person doesn’t have to forgive you, whilst to ask for forgiveness does not necessarily mean that the person has realized the wrongdoing or that the wrongdoing won’t happen again, but instead just places the burden of basically putting the wrongdoing behind on the other person. Ben didn’t properly apologized as he said he would, instead placing the blame on the fact that outside factors have made him a messed up person (his parents, pressumably), and basically tacitly asked Charlie to see the good in him, to give him another chance. But Charlie doesn’t have to give it to him, he doesn’t deserve it. No Ben, if you really want to redeem yourself, if you really want “something good”, you’re going to have to work on yourself, work for it, and earn it. And leave Charlie alone, he doesn’t have to put up with you anymore. At least Charlie won’t have to see him anymore. Assault and abuse victims shouldn’t have to see their assaulters/abusers all the time, like a constant fucking reminder of a horrible event in their lives that they’re trying to put behind them.

- And you can see it in Ben’s face, the little flash of anger as his eye sort of twitches, and his nostrils flare a little, and his jaw clenches, because as much as he claims to like Charlie, he still probably likes or needs to be in control of him, and he’s realizing he really has no control over Charlie anymore, Charlie is not saying what he expected him to say or doing what he hoped he would do, but is instead telling him some very harsh truths, and he’s just going to have to deal with it.

- And now that he’s heard Charlie’s piece, now that he really knows what he’s done, Ben has a chance to start working on himself, starting by finding community, the beautiful rainbow wave inviting him in, to come and see for himself that he doesn’t have to be alone, that he doesn’t have to hate himself or be afraid or hurt anyone else anymore, that he can possibly have a fresh start… and he backs off and walks away… which is hard to see… as much as we hate Ben Hope, you wish he’d stop being a shit person, we don’t need more shit people in this world, but… things can’t be perfect, even on a show like Heartstopper… so Ben hasn’t started his journey toward redemption… yet. But hopefully he will eventually (again, pun not intended). We just won’t see it.

- (I wonder if this means that we’re definitely not getting that part of the story that converges between Solitaire, Alice Oseman’s first novel, and the comic if/when the storylines meet. As in, if the comic gets that far, are we still not getting that part of the story in the show? No more Ben ever, no Ben dating Tori’s friend Becky, no nasty encounter in the lockers?)

- I just realized that Nick and Charlie get back from Lambert and directly go to Nick’s house for the Nelson-Spring dinner. Charlie’s so chill, even after confronting Ben earlier, bantering and jokingly saying “mate”.

- Seriously, David is such a bully, and yet obviously still yearning for his father’s attention and affection… Meanwhile, you can tell that Sarah doesn’t really want to hang out with her ex, but she puts up with it because it’s important to her boys. And she’s wearing green too. Hope for this evening to go well…

- Again, Sarah reaffirms to Nick that he doesn’t owe it to his dad to come out to him, and I love that. Nick knows that but he doesn’t want to do it for his dad, he wants to do it for himself. It’s one less person to tell, but also being able to tell them in his own terms. Which his asshole brother nearly ruined completely.

- Tori monitoring the whole situation. Love you, Tori. And Sarah really struggling not to roll her eyes when Stephane says that rugby is a very attractive sport to women. Guessing that it didn’t work on her, or maybe it did and now she regrets it…?

- Stephane really being so oblivious as to why, during one of his very sporadic visits, Nick's "friend" and his whole family are invited to dinner...

- Jenny Walser really nailed Tori’s death grip on David. Love you, Tori. And David looking a bit intimidated...? Bet he wasn't expecting that...

- This scene is so well done, the build up to it, Nick’s spiel, Stephane looking around and realizing “oh I really was the only one who didn’t know”, and Sarah smiling when Nick says he likes who he is and his life, and her arguing with David and Stephane, and everyone looking tense. Everyone’s so good at every instant, even in the most subtle reactions.

- Sarah basically saying “yeah, I don’t understand why your father doesn’t care about you, he has no idea what he’s missing”, and then hugs him as if to reassure him that she does care about him and loves him. Olivia Colman really is the perfect Sarah.

- Nick owning his dad with that goodbye. And Stephane not remembering where David goes to uni… David also needed to hear that maybe his dad is not as great as he hoped, and realizing that he really needs to do better.

- Again, Jenny Walser is the perfect Tori. She’s equal parts uninterested and protective. Do not mess with her or anyone she cares about, David, you pathetic little man.

- Sarah making a point of assuring Jane that Nick really cares for Charlie, because she probably can tell that Jane is not entirely fond of Nick. (I’m thinking Nick probably told her about Charlie being grounded for spending too much time with him, and the way that Charlie’s mum is with him, probably). And I love Tori telling Nick in the background “your brother’s a prick” and I need to know what she said or what he responded because they both smiled at each other conspiratorially. Probably something along the lines of “I kicked his phone for good measure”, “well done, he deserved that”).

- Nick has been mostly focused on his predicament about whether coming out to his dad or not, and suddenly realizes that Charlie’s eating disorder is still manifesting…

- Darcy’s home situation is very similar to Aled and Carys Last's in Radio Silence. Even though Isaac is the replacement of Aled in the series, so far we only see the ace spec aspect of Aled reflected on Isaac (I mean, his mum seemed nice in that school scene, but what do we know), whilst we know from the comic that Darcy’s home life is difficult, but we don’t get much detail, and I think Alice used the show as an opportunity to give Darcy the Aled’s mother storyline from Radio Silence, to show us an awful reality of many queer teens, those that aren’t lucky like Nick or Charlie or Tara or Elle or even Tao… a lot of teens don’t have the support they wish they did at home, the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to have for their children, queer or not. And it’s not easy to escape that. Either you find safe haven in parts of that “home”, or you put up with it, or you get the hell away from them, but as a minor, how do you get away and make it in the world? (I sincerely wish there was a way to prevent people from becoming parents unless they were actually willing to accept their children no matter what. You can’t choose what your children will be, and you can’t force them to become what you want them to be, so just… don’t fucking have children if all you’re going to do is make their lives miserable.)

- So Darcy chooses to get away from that situation, at least temporarily, but… once she’s out of the house, she realizes that she doesn’t know what to do now. Where is she supposed to go? She puts up this front of a girl who’s very confident in her sexuality, whilst she’s not even out to her mother who clearly would not take it well… so she’s full of shame, and she doesn’t call anyone or tell anyone where she’s going, because that would mean having to explain. And now I'm devastated...

This episode is brought to you by the ACEUPHORIA™.

[scarlet--wiccan]

What would be your ideal dynamic for wanda and vision in a current comic? I like both characters and I appreciate their relationship in the past but I don’t like the thought of them being together again (not just because of Jericho but because of all the baggage). I wish they could be good friends. They have a history but it’s not who they are

Well, I definitely don't want them to get back together as a couple. There are many reasons, but in terms of Wanda's characterization, I think that it would undermine her growth and maturity.

Wanda's publication history is pretty clearly divided into two periods-- before Disassembled/House of M, and after. Her character, post-HoM, has been defined by regret and trauma in way that she never really had been before, with her primary motive becoming redemption. The traumatic events and the layers of sexism, ableism, etc. in her writing had been adding up for years before Disassembled, but that event took things to an unprecedented level of cruelty, in both the treatment of the character, and in the message it sent about... basically everything Wanda represents.

In my mind, the only way to move forward from that is to textually acknowledge and interrogate all of the ways in which that storyline was messed up. That still hasn't happened, at least not in a way that is fully satisfying to me, but writers have certainly tried. I think, for Wanda, the most important thing is to let her acknowledge the injustices that she was subjected to, and show that she has chosen to seek healing and restitution.

In other words, she needs to have a marked shift in growth and maturity. She cannot ever be the same person she was in the 70s, 80s, or even the 90s. To be clear, Wanda's redeemed herself several times over, but I believe that the weight of her experiences and the strength gained from her survival need to remain at the core of her characterization, especially for all of her recent magical prowess and personal victories over her past abusers-- namely Chthon-- to feel earned.

Obviously, it should be possible for a character to reunite with an old lover and lose all of their personal growth, but this is Marvel Comics. Characters cycle back to older character treatments, older relationships, even older personalities all the time. I mean, a huge part of the early Krakoa era was about gently resetting characters to their most evergreen iterations. That's fine, it's part of the medium, but I think Wanda needs to stay out of that cycle, and I just don't have faith that the writers and editors will be able to put her and the Vision together without giving into nostalgia, to say nothing of the M C U synergy.

I have loads of other objections, but here are the main two--

1) Wanda and Vision have a ton of recent baggage, from just the last decade. Vision was cruel to her in AvX; he went through something very heavy and traumatic with Virginia, which was also kind of messed up for Wanda; and— this is the big one— they were mutually raped in Secret Empire. The text does not properly acknowledge that fact, but that's because Secret Empire was a really fucked up book in the first place.

2) I think the fact that Wanda and Jericho's relationship never got any serious page time or development after Uncanny Avengers is a crying shame, and I think that it is in part due to racism. Breaking them up before they get their time to shine would be a huge disappointment, and I feel like doing it so unceremoniously just to pander to Wanda//Vision fans, let's be honest, would feel kinda antiblack. To me! I'm just saying!

Anyways, here's Vision, Wanda, and Jericho (& Clint!) having a lunch together in Avengers: No Road Home. They're pals, Wanda and Vision are friendly exes who care about each other a lot, but they're just very different people from who they were back when they were together. That is exactly how I want their dynamic to be written in the upcoming Avengers.

[sealer-of-wenkamui]

Obligatory Danzou’s interlude post because it’s one of my favorite parts of fgo, they really made an interlude just for me, with a large focus on Limbo’s obsession with her (this is an abridged version of the full 70+ message discord thread I made lol)

The fic I always talk about actually has a section that takes place directly before this interlude, showing one of her daydreams which I really like…

Anyway, da Vinci’s comments about Danzou are interesting in that even a genius like her doesn’t exactly know how she works, so I’d imagine Limbo is the second most knowledgable after Kashin Koji themself and maybe the first Fumma too

This interlude also emphasizes that this Danzou knows nothing of Shimousa cause she’s PHH Danzou, so once again the fact that she has a fear of the dark sun stands out to me as Limbo hurting her to such a degree that this Servant version of her fears it despite not remembering him. And I wonder if the virus itself played a role too.

It’s not Limbo proper or even a shikigami but the virus still acts just like him, and it just makes me wish for a scene in Heian-kyo where he tortures Danzou, we could still save her cause as he says, he’s the type to give someone a long agonizing death not kill right away… and especially with his fixation. Also his threat to guda here resembles the materials book line a lot as he’s threatening to keep them beteeen life and death (though I imagine the overt rape threat was too much for the game’s rating)

I really want to see moonflower animated, or at least an illustration cause I love how it sounds… and she talks about it being a cruel technique she dislikes… love how both times she uses it it’s on Limbo

This part with Holmes having known the intention was to restore Danzou’s memory apparently gets taken out of context because even the preceding line here is him saying that it does not tell us why he did it. I find it insulting to her character to try and claim Limbo legitimately wanted to help when right after this he explains his motives and they’re the height of cruelty. With Shimousa backing him up that he means his words, not that he’s one to lie about such things. For the hundredth time, he let her get attached to her companions, forced her body to attempt to kill them, blew her up, and all while mocking her for thinking she had free will and telling her how he screwed with her mind. Also he didn’t even restore her full memory, just let her choose the most precious one to serve his own purpose of learning what it is she cares about most so he can take it from her.

Usually motherly characters don’t interest me much but there’s something about Danzou and Kotarou that’s so good…. A doll that thinks she’s just a machine to pass on the Fuuma arts and hates herself to the point she hides away from the sun, and the boy who treated her as a human and decided she was his mom now, and she was the one person he opened up to… also he too has his whole oni blood thing and in a my room line he’ll talk about how he’s a wretch… so them finding each other is so sweet… it’s good!!!

Best part is the final part though, and it demonstrates a lot of why I’m so obsessed with LimDan. The fact that he goes to so much effort to hunt down another version of the doll he found in Shimousa, give her a virus to restore a single memory so he knows how best to devastate her, then tell her to her face his plans to do so… that’s the sort of fixation I love!! And that he doesn’t seem to hate her necessarily, but he certainly doesn’t love her either, it’s just an obsessive desire to hurt cause he enjoys it, which ultimately stems from his hatred and envy of Seimei, who he can’t surpass, so he goes off mocking and hurting everyone else. And someone like her who reminds him of Seimei is especially pleasurable to hurt so he develops this sort of fixation on her and goes way out of his way to hurt her as much as possible! What the fuck I love it so much. Also I love how he switches entirely to calling her creepy pet names post-Shimousa.

This is a fantastic setup for Heian-kyo too, which makes it all the more frustrating that it completely fumbled everything it was given… the beginning of Heian-kyo has Sion stating that the only two Servants that will have no trouble rayshifting are Danzou and Kotarou. He’s following through on the threats he made here in her interlude… only for them to give some flimsy excuse for Kotarou not to make it and not even have Danzou talk to him much at all… Heian-kyo beginning is also fantastic and promises so much only for it to drop it all as you get to the middle and end… her killing Limbo is exactly how it should be but where was all their conversation leading up to it? It should have been a Danzou-centric chapter and I’ll stand by this, she’s the one most hurt by him.

[akemitime]

Akko headcanons English/ Español

. Whoever decided that akko plays Minecraft you're absolutely right, she rather explore the world, the nether and mines (wich is funny bc sometimes she gets scared of them), while her house is just a bed, a chest and a furnace all covered by blocks of dirt

.Loves basketball and knows how to play it very well, least favorite sport is football/soccer

.Undiagnosed adhd(but she knew she had many symptoms) till the finals of the series wich she finally got a proper diagnosis

.Watches kids cartoons as comfort

.Had a hiperfixation on flowers at twelve, she now can't recall all the knowledge she had but knows more than the basics, because is an interest that comes and goes

.Loves Pokemon and her favorite region is Alola

.She doesn't like being called a gamer but knows and plays too much for being just a enjoyer

. Dislikes being constantly reminded about something but if she doesn't have her reminder ( wich is an application on her phone that is in Japan) there's a 70% she will forget

.She already knew about vines but started quoting them thanks to Amanda

. Still anonymously sending support messages to the yeti

.Isn't into books but will pass a lot of time in a library reading tons of novels and think if Lotte or Diana would like them, to give the books as birthday present

.Isn't into books like I said but loves manga and anime, her favorite genre is Shounen

. Actually really likes English and is also a fast learner so it wasn't so hard to master it, but sometimes she will look at Ursula/Chariot with the most dead expression and asks:" Professor, what was the way to the book ranch?"or look at Sucy and says:"So just asking, you put some of your mushrooms in UuuUUUHHH,.. a cold keeper?" or recalls numbers in Japanese and then she translate

. Unable to read lips

. Knows the basics of sign language in Japanese and English thinking that maybe in one of her performances a deaf kid gets lost she will need to comunicate with them

.Tried to keep a pet rock and she lose it somewhere

. Really knows how to draw, she will spend time as a kid drawing the best parts of Shiny Chariot performances, but even though she can draw people decently realistic she draws in a cartoon style

. Glitter lover

.As a kid wasn't allowed in the kitchen but before getting into Luna Nova she managed to became a decent cook

.As a kid had a conformt song that is called " No friends" wich she doesn't completely relate anymore but still loves it

. Besides having "high hopes" on loop in her head , she obviously likes both pop and K-pop, up beat happy music, no obscene rap and some anime music, surprisingly for some people including herself, loves phonk

. Doesn't like make up on herself but if she sees someone with a cool one she goes" YASS B### SLAYYY" regardless of gender

. Tried to eat crayons when she was five and randomly thinks about doing it again 💀

.Thinks all her scars were worth and isn't ashamed of showing them

.Akko gay awakening was Megara from the Hércules movie by Disney

.A quién sea que se le ocurrió que akko juega Minecraft, tienes toda la razón, ella preferiría explorar el mundo, ir al nether o a las minas(cosa que es gracioso por qué algunas veces se asusta), mientras que su casa es una cama, un cofre y un horno, rodeados de bloques de tierra

.Ama el basketball y sabe cómo jugarlo muy bien, su deporte menos preferido es el fútbol

.Tenía Tdah sin diagnosticar( pero sabía que tenía varios síntomas) hasta el final de la serie y por fin le hicieron un diagnóstico

. Be shows de niños por conformt

.Tuvo su obsesión ( osea la hiperfijación pero es que suena rarísima la palabra) con las flores a los doce, actualmente no puede recordar todo el conocimiento que tenía sobre ellas pero sabe más que lo básico, es un interés que va y viene

.Ama pokèmon y su región favorita es Alola

.No le gusta que la llamen gamer pero sabe y juega demasiado como para no serlo

.Le desagrada que constantemente le estén recordando algo pero si no tiene su recordatorio a la mano( una aplicación que tiene en el celular que se encuentra en Japón) hay un 70% de probabilidad que se le olvide

. Ya sabía de los vines pero empezó a recitarlos gracias a Amanda

.De manera anónima le sigue mandando mensajes de apoyo al yeti

.No es muy metida en los libros pero pasaría un largo rato en la librería leyendo a montones novelas pensando si a Lotte o a Diana le gustaría para regalarles un o unos libros

. Cómo ya dije, no está muy interesada en los libros pero ama el manga y el anime

. Realmente le gusta el inglés y es una aprendiz rápida lo cual hizo que no fuera tan difícil dominar el idioma, pero algunas veces mira a Úrsula/Chariot y le pregunta:" Profesora, ¿Dònde queda el rancho de libros?" O le dice a Sucy," Oye una pregunta, ¿Tú pones algunos de tus hongos en UuuUUUHHH,... Un container de frío? O dice los números en japonés y luego lo traduce

. Incapaz de leer los labios

.Sabe lo básico de lenguaje de señas tanto en inglés y japonés por qué pensó que quizás en algunos de sus shows un niño sordo se pierda y necesite comunicarse con este

.Intento tener una piedra mascota y la termino perdiendo

. Realmente sabe cómo dibujar, de pequeña dibujaba las mejores escenas de Shiny Chariot, pero a pesar que sabe dibujar a la gente de forma decentemente realista prefiere tener un estilo más de caricatura

.Amante de la escarcha

.De niña no la dejaban pasar a la cocina, pero antes de entrar a Luna Nova se las arreglo para saber cocinar decentemente

.De niña tenía una canción de confort que se llama " No friends" en la cual ya no se identifica completamente la sigue amando

. Además de tener " high hopes" en bucle en la cabeza, le gusta tanto el pop y K-pop, canciones animadas y felices, raps que no sean obscenos y una que otra canción de anime, pero para sorpresa de algunos entre ellos ella misma le gustó el phonk

. No le gusta ponerse maquillaje pero si ve a alguien luciendolo ella grita:"MATA LA LIGA CAB###"

.Intento comerse unos crayones cuando tenía cinco y de forma random piensa en volverlo a hacer 💀

.Piensa que todas sus cicatrices valieron la pena y no se avergüenza de ellas

.El gay awakening de akko fue Megara de la película de Hércules de Disney

[unpassive-viewer]

Hi Barbie!

Saw Barbie this week, as everyone else probably did as well. Seeing everyone in hot pink was very wholesome.

The movie itself was... a lot. Not something I'd watch without the fanfare. Two hours of staring at hot pink was overwhelming, to say the least. It was definitely something I had to digest afterwards - it was like a two hour fever dream. The best thing I can liken it to was a very long SNL skit with incredible acting. Seriously, the actors in this film were pulling all the stops. Kate McKinnon in particular was great as Weird Barbie. Onto the review ~

The good:

The acting, obviously. Ryan Gosling was giving "Brad Pitt cameoing in Deadpool for the price of a coffee" - the man was LIVING. Absolutely setting the theatre kid in him free. Margot Robbie's crying scene was very real and emotional, I almost forgot I was watching a movie about a toy. America Ferrera is a goddess, I think she was perfect for her role.

The set design and costumes. Oh my goodness was the whole movie so fun. I might get crucified for this, but in terms of matching the whole set, this film reminds me of the 2003 Cat in the Hat. Unhinged and yet very well assembled.

The cinematography. The film was incredibly well shot. I loved the transition montages going between Barbieland and the real world, they were very different. I also liked the wide shots of Barbie, especially at the end. Also, as Alan from CinemaTherapy will tell you, the most versatile tool a director and actor have are close up shots of the actor. This movie employed that tactic expertly.

The comedy. Really well written, and clearly very often improvised. I felt like it drew a good balance.

The less good:

The pacing. While the monologues were amazing, I didn't feel like the movie gave viewers time to root for any of their characters... except Ken. I would have liked if we got more time with the humans beyond the car chase scene. I simply did not feel there was enough character development. Ken is... well, he's just Ken. He's simple and funny. I think I would like Stereotypical Barbie's narrative more with a second watch, it was just a lot to process on a 70 foot screen.

The theme. Do not get mad at me for this, please. I spent a lot of the film trying to figure out who the target audience of this film is, because all of the feminist overtones were so... obvious? America Ferrera's monologue in particular. Women already know all of what she said - it is born into us and moulded for our entire lives. And the part where the Mattel CEO tells Barbie to get back in the box... that felt like low hanging fruit. Was the purpose to make women feel seen, or was it an attempt to communicate something to a non-woman audience? Because that demographic has been touch and go with this whole production. It was a fun way to see it articulated, but I am still confused. Especially since Greta Gerwig's other films also touch on remarkably similar topics already. Who is this for?

Overall I think the societal reaction to this film has been more dramatic than anything contained in the movie itself. It does not make egregious statements - if anything it's a bit of a dumbed-down feminist message. Even the lyrics to the music makes is as easy as possible to comprehend the message that's being delivered. Greta Gerwig is not doing subliminal messaging, she wanted the whole audience to know EXACTLY what she was communicating... and somehow so many people still missed the point.

However, it has really seemed like the perfect storm in terms of timing and marketing reach. The fact that a message like this would get this big right now in the wake of all that is happening to women in the world - specifically the western world where this will be the most popular - is kind of incredible. I feel like Greta Gerwig is executing a Taylor Swift-level master plan.

Honestly, the most insane part of this to me is seeing all of the men who have complaints that Ken was "dumbed down" and cries of "not all men" as if there is not an obviously unproblematic man represented in the film. If you align yourself with Ken and not Alan... buddy do I have some news for you. But all of those arguments have been made already, so I will leave it at that.

Basically, go see Barbie. It's fun, it's a good balance of comedy and gut-wrenching grief for your girlhood and for your sisters, and the cult activity of everyone wearing pink to the theatre is like... my favourite thing. This was my Star Wars, people committed to the bit.

As a final thought I'd like to thank the guy who was sitting behind me in the theatre who was crying laughing at all the jokes, I think you brought me back to life with that.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

ok heres something im wondering you’re looking for asks:

ppl tend to assume that yoko was the prime person responsible for john cutting ties with his old friends (specifically paul) and that a reunion never occurred because she had a scheme and was controlling of him, ensuring he never received those messages, etc.

now im not particularly a yoko defender, but i just find this take really odd? idk to me it sounds like ppl just want to shift all the blame on this woman and absolve john of having anything to do with anything. almost like he didn’t have any agency with her which let’s be honest he would definitely be aware of when yoko would be scheming or what not, he wasn’t dumb and had said himself he knew how to “play the game.”

so while i don’t think he was out here doing a complex scheme to avoid his past, i think about the following things:

john on multiple occasions had spoken to yoko about feeling insecure, especially in the contex of lennon vs mccartney (ex. wondering why ppl mostly cover pauls songs, the story of the restaurant performer playing yesterday to him, ‘nobody hurt him more than paul’, etc.)

i think there’s something really to be said about how this lennon vs mccartney narrative really snowballed in the media outlets in the 70s and how much it probably affected him as someone who has dealt with insecurities and feelings of *identity his whole life. im sure yoko noticed this and they’ve of course talked about it, so as his wife of course she’d be taking his side and finding ways of “helping him through it”. we’re they the best ways, maybe not, but again, john wasn’t a child, he was cognizant of what was going on and was able to agree or disagree with choices.

*im talking about identity too because it literally went from lennon/mccartney to lennon vs mccartney within a short time and all of a sudden, everyone in the news outlets and the music world were pitting them against each other, when for basically 12 years, these two deeply identified with each other and the lennon/mccartney name (and side note please by no means am i suggesting mccartney wasn’t affected by this, that man literally went into depression when he realized it was over).

i really think during the 70s john wanted to separate himself from the legend (perhaps the myth in his eyes) and really make a name for himself, without the nagging feeling of “is this successful because of me or because of the legend of the Beatles and by extension of lennon/mccartney.” now, im not saying this man hated paul, but when you think about one instance when paul tried to re-establish a musical connection with him in the 70s (ie. inviting him to new orleans), john had then finally decided to go back to yoko, the coincidence is a bit uncanny. again, i don’t buy that it was fully a pure yoko scheme of her “finally deciding to let him come back home and it was miserable being without her” when these two were always talking on the phone during those two years. I’m also not saying John didn’t ponder over it, we have the account of art garfunkel and others where he’s asking them if they think it would be a good idea to record with Paul again. BUT, in the end, Lennon did make a choice. he went back with yoko.

it gets super complicated *and i think this is the reason we get so many polarizing views on this* when you consider that yes, john decided he didn’t want to collaborate with paul (just not yet at least), wanted to do his own thing and be successful in his own write (and in my opinion john definitely did create some amazing music without him), but at the same time, john loved and missed paul, and that’s full stop. you may not understand it, but sometimes there’s just no need to explain it, sometimes you just miss someone. there’s people we’re always going to love and there’s just no way of explaining it, we just do. and that shit really wreaks havoc in the mind, especially when as john once put it, their relationship and arguments were on full display for everyone to see, so your relationship to that person also gets warped through that lens of how others (in this case tens of thousands of ppl) see it and what they’re publishing. again, coming back to this idea of together= lennon/mccartney and apart= lennon vs. mccartney, when in reality, if it was just a regular relationship that wasn’t so publicized, it would have just been seen as apart= john and Paul, doing their own thing.

ok sorry, i realized i veered off topic a bit and went all over the place, but would appreciate to hear your thoughts on the matter. my thoughts aren’t fully fleshed out so i hope this made sense and didn’t sound like a complete blob of text. thanks & happy new year !

Hi anon, sorry for taking a few days to get back to you! I'm having trouble discerning a question from this message though I do acknowledge and for the most part agree with your points.

I have to say, I think talking about "agency" is a bit thorny. In a way, yes John made all these choices himself, but he was also influenced by many factors to make them, and Yoko was clearly a huge influence on his life. I don't necessarily condemn her (fully), I do think, as you say, she quite likely had her husband's interests at heart.

I think you're right in bringing up John's need for independence as an artist vs. his unconditional affection for Paul and how the media frenzy (which tbf he very much consciously fed into) complicated the situation for him.

Sorry, I do have a lot of thoughts about the subject, I think, but I'm sort of not sure which ones to go into right now. If you're still interested, feel free to send another ask, but like I said, for the most part I agree with your take!

[tuulikannel]

I posted 452 times in 2022

That's 251 more posts than 2021!

134 posts created (30%)

318 posts reblogged (70%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@solarsavoy

@henbit-7

@lazytoufu

@averagemafuyukinnie

@bismuthwisdom

I tagged 370 of my posts in 2022

Only 18% of my posts had no tags

#danganronpa - 77 posts

#assassination classroom - 62 posts

#akabane karma - 27 posts

#asano gakushuu - 25 posts

#komaeda nagito - 21 posts

#20 days of assassination classroom - 20 posts

#xd - 20 posts

#assclass mobile game cards - 16 posts

#karushuu - 14 posts

#fic rec - 11 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#one: how do they know where to stop? is there a line on the floor or does some secretary give them strict instructions before they get in?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

A karushuu birthday fic for @lazytoufu! 💜 Based on a story idea she once told me about, which had to do with soulmate identifying marks (what you write/draw on your skin appears on your soulmate’s skin, though not before you turn 18)

Just a little piece of silliness, but I hope you’ll like it, Toufu. ^^ Happy birthday!

·

SOLEMATES

Gakushuu was standing alone in his room, staring at his watch. Seconds ticked by one by one. Outside, occasional fireworks lit the sky every now and then.

23:59:43. 23:59:44. 23:59:45. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. 23:59:54.

55…56…57…58…59…

The fireworks erupted outside.

New Year. His birthday. To be more precise, his 18th birthday. He had a pen ready in his hand, and he was just about to place its tip on the back of his hand, when his eyes spotted letters appearing on his skin from underneath his sleeve. …grain? What was that? The pen dropped from his hand when he quickly rolled the sleeve up, heart thumping.

obtain this grain receive this wheat finagle this bagel bone this scone

Gakushuu blinked. What? As he stared, disbelieving, the scribbled words kept on appearing on his arm, letter by letter.

collect this baguette take this cake yeet this yeast cum in this muffin

Gakushuu yanked the sleeve down, fast. What the hell. His soulmate was crazy.

A moment Gakushuu stood still in his room, thinking. Then he heaved out a sigh and headed downstairs, where his father was waiting.

“Happy birthday,” the man said, seeing him. He didn’t ask anything, but Gakushuu could almost smell his curiosity.

“…nothing, yet.” He was so not going to show this to his father.

“Oh.” Did he imagine or did his father actually seem a little disappointed? “Well, you just have to be patient. Most often the soulmates aren’t that far from each other in age, so perhaps in just a few days, or weeks at most—”

“I’ve no problem with waiting,” Gakushuu cut him off sharply. “I think you’re the impatient one here.”

His phone buzzed in his pocket. He glanced at it. A happy birthday message from Ren, followed by an emoji with question marks. Gakushuu thought of the scribbles on his arm. Did he want to tell even Ren about this?

Thanks, he replied. Nothing to report.

“Happy New Year,” he went on before his father could say anything. “And good night, I think I’ll go to bed.”

“Happy New Year,” his father replied quietly to his back.

·

Next days, random words kept on appearing on his skin at random times. Luckily most were on his arms, so it was easy to hide them under his sleeves. Just in case, he started wearing gloves, even inside, claiming that he felt a little chilly. At least it was in the middle of winter, so it wasn’t too strange – he hoped. One day when his wrists suddenly turned bright pink, he was very grateful for the existence of those gloves.

Ren kept on asking him about it daily, and his father gave him questioning looks every morning. Gakushuu did his best to ignore them. He knew he should do something about the situation. If this weirdo kept on writing all these things on his skin in the summer, that would pose a problem. Could he somehow find out who this was, without revealing himself to them? …to him. For whoever this was, it was most likely a boy, as for one thing, Gakushuu was gay, and for another, he couldn’t really imagine a girl writing all this. Sometimes the messages were sort of adorable in a very weird way (he had to admit that to himself, even he would strongly deny it if anyone asked). For example, the one that said, I want to make a burrito with you. I'll be the guac and you be the cheese. But at other times…

One night when he took a shower, he discovered one thing about his supposed soulmate: he might have some interest in sciences. That was a plus, perhaps? If only he’d put that knowledge to better use.

you like science? cause I’ve got my ion you

according to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me

are you made of nickel, cerium, arsenic & sulfur? I'm just hoping you’ve got a Ni-Ce As-S

or are you made of copper? cause I could really Cu in me some day

See the full post

55 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

#4

Akabane Karma in the official character book, p. 1-2 translation

I haven't done these for a long while, but the mood suddenly struck me. I know that Karma's pages have already been translated, so in a sense this is kind of pointless, but I still wanted to do this. I mean, I did Gakushuu's part ages ago (or that's how it feels, anyway), and as they're fighting for the #1 spot for me (isn't that just fitting?), I kind of felt like I had to do Karma too. So, here we go!

As usual, I mainly did this to practice Japanese, and there might be mistakes... though this time I could check if I was in agreement with the other translation when I was unsure about something, so there shouldn't be anything too bad. XD Early on there's one sentence that totally baffled me, tho... My comments are in [brackets].

“I won’t lose. The one to take sensei’s life is me.”

Having tasted defeat, Karma came to understand the feelings of those who lose and learned to sympathize with his companions and got closer to the weak.

(The manga panel is from when he told the Big 5 that he was the only one in 3 E who’d taken the 2nd mid-term exam seriously.)

Everything is perfect – the genius boy of E class

He was suspended after a violent incident. He is something of a slacker, but his skill for studying and assassination, as well as his physical strength, are all top class.

Code name: Chuuniban (by Hazama) [or should I say cord name? XD Sorry… ^^;;]

Chuunibyous tend to take an unexpected look at things. In Karma’s case… [...I became completely confused. Something like taking an unexpected look on unexpected look on even further on an unexpected look… I’ve no idea. If anyone can give me a sensible translation of アイツの場合斜め上の更に斜め上のそのまた斜め上から見てんだけど結局１つ上にはいけてないのよ please do. ^^ It’s very 斜め上, that’s all I can say. The other translation didn't give a literal translation of this either, just this: “a person with Chuunibyou is supposed to see things a certain way, but because he’s doing it in a half-assed way, she’s basically calling him a half-assed Chuunibyou”]

[Chuunibyou, in case you’re not familiar with the term, means a teenager with grandiose delusions who tries to stand out in every way possible. Gundham Tanaka, anyone? <;3 It literally translates to “second-year syndrome” (second year of junior high, that is). The -ban in Chuuniban means half, so yeah…. half-assed  chuunibyou.]

(Bottom left corner) His specialty is provoking his opponent through pranks and harassment. His skill for provocation is also first class.

Code name: Chuunibyou Birthday: December 25 Height: 175 cm Weight: 60 kg Blood type: AB Favorite subject: math Least favorite subject: Japanese Special skills: provocation, pranks, pestering Clubs he belongs to: Going Home club Treasury: Collection of spices from around the world Favorite food: “煮オレ” (ni ore) series (the brand of those strawberry milks he always drinks) Bento or buying snacks: buying snacks Election poster: In any case, I want to be manipulating from behind the scenes

See the full post

64 notes - Posted November 15, 2022

#3

Ok, so there's this incorrect quotes generator... here's just a few karushuu ones:

Gakushuu: I’m going to take you out Karma: Great, it’s a date! Gakushuu: I meant that as a threat. Karma: See you at five!

Karma: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives Gakushuu: I wake up at 4:30 AM Karma: Karma: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

Karma: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside Gakushuu: Gakushuu: Karma, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn… Karma: *sips coffee from bowl*

Karma: You love me, right, Shuu? Gakushuu: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

75 notes - Posted September 25, 2022

#2

How that line was translated in the manga...

This is from the third volume of Danganronpa 2: Ultimate Luck and Hope and Despair (i.e. the manga that tells DR2 from Nagito's pov.)

[ID: manga panels that depict Nagito's last free time event from the game. He says to Hajime, Please, never forget, I love you... and the hope sleeping inside you... with all my heart. End.]

91 notes - Posted October 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Ren: C'mon, let's have a snowball fight!

Gakushuu: I've never been in a snowball fight before, so I don't know the rules.

Ren: Well, there aren't really any-

Gakushuu: *continuing* is there a point system, or is it to the death?

Ren: ...what?

Karma, throwing a snowball into the back of Gakushuu's head: It's to the death.

261 notes - Posted January 20, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[vampirelover890]

The Blue Knight (2/?)

Deep within the recesses of the Ynsdryth Capital lived a weapon. That's all they were considered, at least. A person sat behind those empty eyes, forgotten by the world, labeled only by her misdeeds. A knock came from her cell door, calm and steady. The door opened, and from the light she'd been so exiled from for ages, extended a hand of blue steel.

The prisoner reached back, grasping firmly the harsh metal, allowing herself to be yanked into the underarm of a large knight. Despite the gentleness of the knock, what was outside her prison door seemed hectic. The knight which she'd trusted her life to was barreling through the grown men and women who were to stop her. Finally, they'd turned a corner and ran up a flight of stairs into the blinding sun.

The knight set down it's spoils, as the blue encasing slid away from it's head, as if it were melting. The prisoner finally got a look at her savior or perhaps her captor. In front of her stood tall a pale elf-like humanoid, with long black hair and yellow eyes. It spoke softly.

"You are the Heathen, yes?"

The prisoner nodded.

"I am Mirage, born of abominations, and for war; cursed to forever wear the metal forged within the flame of Sky; and you?"

Mirage got her good look at the Heathen. They were a white and red Dragon-Blood, only coming up to about her own shoulder, and wore not but tattered clothes and a piece of jewelry around their neck. While looking at their neck, Mirage noticed what she perhaps should have when she first set the Heathen down. There was a large, see-through hole in the middle of her throat. Looking up, Mirage also noticed that their mouth was sewn shut.

"Why don't we leave town and take a walk through the nearby woods. I'd love to get to know you."

The Heathen didn't have much say in the matter, and so they followed the large, blue knight through the back alleys of the town she'd been locked in for years on end.

Mirage had shrunken down to about the Heathen's height, as they both walked peacefully amongst the shade of the trees. You'd barely be able to tell that they were the most dangerous weapons of the Great War, and had both recently participated in a jail break. Mirage stopped at a rock, and found a reasonably long stick. She tossed it to the Heathen.

"Alrighty, 'The Heathen,' I figure since you've got a bit of something going on... y'know... here," said Mirage, gesturing to her own throat, "you can write in the dirt instead. Let start with something simple. I'm not gonna call you 'The Heathen' all day; you have a different name?"

The Heathen took the stick thrust upon themself, and wrote out the word "Heather" in the dirt.

"Heath- sorry, you're Heather the Heathen?"

Heather wrote out the words, "Guards call me," before her original message. Tapping at it a couple of times, to make clear to Mirage, she got the message.

"Ok, I'm sorry Heather. Next question, how old are you?"

Heather wrote within the dirt, "Was 20 when locked away"

"That makes you near 70 today. About my age. Heather, I was one of the Queen's weapons, too. That's why I got you out of there. She's gone now. We're gonna be alright."

Heather heard how Mirage talked to her, and quickly wrote, "Not child. They treat me like child too long."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Heather, why did they lock you away?"

Heather wrote one word. "Gone." She pointed to the hole in their throat.

"Someone took your throat? Did you breathe fire?"

Heather shook her head and began writing. 10 minutes later, Heather's tale was scribbled upon the dirt. It read, "When I was born, I didn't worship the water god. I had no mom or dad to teach me why they did. They called me a heathen. No one taught me to speak either. One day, I tried to apologise for being different. I walked into the water god's church, made my way up to the stand, closed my eyes, and said, 'I'm sorry.' When I opened my eyes, the church and the people were gone. I sat in a crater where it used to be. Then the Queen came. She took me in and raised me. She would take me to the enemies forts and towns, where I would act innocent, and then I'd sing. I was the banshee, the siren, the Heathen. Then one day, a lady came up to me, and she punched me in the face, and with one hand held my mouth open as she sliced out my tounge, then held my mouth shut with one hand as she sewed my lips together forever. Finally, she clawed out my larynx with her bare hands. The Queen had no use for me, and so she locked me up. Here I sit now, 50 yrs later."

"Holy shit, Heather. That's a lot. Y'know what, I came to grab you because I knew we'd be able to bond over something like shared grief about the Queen, but I've decided. We're going to go find your tongue and throat, and we'll take em back and bring sweet music to everyone who tries to stop us."

Heather stood up and nodded, conviction in her eyes, determined to take back what rightfully belonged to her.

"Do you know the name of the woman who took your voice?"

Heather grabbed her stick and scribbled upon the rich forest slil they stood on, the name, "Rene Cathbriggs."

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, APRIL 30, 1995 Yesterday Tom was gonna fire up the spa, but something’s wrong with the filter or whatever. He got it up to 80º, but it felt like it was in the 50s! Well, at least the weather’s getting hot. We were out there early yesterday morning and I never heard a peep out of next door.

We went to screw yesterday and although it was fun, I couldn’t cum. Guess that makes two of us now, but I didn’t deliberately hold back. Now that the fact that he’ll never cum has fully hit me and sunk in, I can be pleasantly selfish during sex. He claims that for him to get off, he has to go really slow. I like it fast. I used to be like - well, let’s go slow so we can see if he cums, but now I’m like - he won’t cum, so why not have him go fast? I’m the one that cums.

We got a treadmill last Friday. I had to rearrange our rather small living room to get it to fit in. I walked for 10 minutes earlier, as well as used my thigh master. Soon I’ve got to do my sit-ups and push-ups. I don’t know why I bother when I’ve always had the same lousy shape (proportioning) and always will. It just makes me feel better I guess and I am still smaller and more fit than the average person. It’s funny, though, cuz Tom not only sees my body differently than I do, he sees my level of fitness differently too. Out of 100% fitness, he sees me as 70%. I see myself as 40-50%.

I finished and taped that cactus puzzle and I began the sailboat one.

Tom got me a big book of over 200 word-seek puzzles for $9. Nine bucks! Can you believe it? Well, I love them anyhow and have already done several. Hope my subscription gets here soon enough, though. And my CD. I can’t wait for that CD!

Got a letter from Kim yesterday and one from Bob the day before. I sent letters out to them, my parents and Lisa, Becky, and Sarah. It’s been a while since I wrote them their own letters and I used flag pictures to decorate their envelopes.

FRIDAY, APRIL 28, 1995 I got my folk’s catalog of the flags they sell. It’s pretty neat. I cut out most of them, kept my favorites, and intend to decorate the backs of envelopes with the rest. Unfortunately, I can’t decorate envelopes for Bob. The prison won’t go for that.

Their work number was listed in two different areas which were crossed out. Just when I thought they trusted me. Now, why in the world would I want to call their work number? Wait till I tell her I could still see through to the number! Even so, you know, that was kind of insulting to see.

Also, in the package was a water-resistant clock/radio. That’ll be nice for our romantic weekend get-together at the pool. Oh, I only hope and pray those kids stay quiet, cuz that’d really spoil the mood.

There were two puzzles. One of a desert mountain with cactuses. Another of boats at a marina. This was great and they never would’ve known if I hadn’t mentioned Marge getting me into puzzles. They also remembered how I said I like around 500 pieces and not 1000, cuz then it becomes more of a drag than fun. Guess they do pay attention to what I say.

Lastly, in the package were 3 pairs of shorts, a vest, and a jacket. They all fit perfectly and are stuff I’d wear. The jacket was a bit big but beautiful, so I don’t care. My favorite was the denim shorts with gold studs, triangles, and clear gemstones at the top of the rims of the pockets.

Marge called right after Tom went to bed to see how my ear appointment went. That was nice.

Later…

I have only one edit tape left to cut. That oughta go fast, cuz there are reps on there for sure. I called them ‘edibytes’ when I was telling Tom about it. Last night Andy and I had about a 20-minute conversation with Karson which I taped. I edited all of that and yes, she sure makes great edits. I edited a message a friend of Marla left Andy. Also, the weather report in Springfield a few months back where we were laughing at the 0º they had. Marla got a kick out of it, but said, “I don’t know if Maryanne would appreciate her conversations being taped.” Andy let her know we didn’t; she left that message on his VM, then Marla said, “OK. Just checking.”

Last night Andy wanted to call and talk to Nervous, believe it or not, but the number was disconnected. There was a Kevin T in W. Springfield, but it wasn’t him. I can’t see him having anyone to call who’s long-distance, so if he’s still with Crystal, my guess is she rang up a bill. Unless they broke up and he rang up a bill calling 900#s.

I was wondering why Kim didn’t have a typewriter or a computer since she could afford it, but what would be the point? She’d never be home enough to use it, so it’d be a complete waste of money.

Later…

I’m trying to stay up as late as I can so I can sleep later. That way I’m up more during the days this weekend. I’m too tired to do anything, though, so I’m kind of bored.

I don’t know why I’ve had no appetite for sex lately. It’s the lowest it’s been since I’ve known Tom and he certainly didn’t do anything. Well, the desire’s always lower after my period, so I’m sure it’ll pick up. The desire to have a kid is way down too, but I’m glad. I hope and pray that this is how it stays and doesn’t fluctuate on me. I can’t afford to be running around dwelling on that with my being sterile and with a guy who doesn’t cum. Regardless of what he says, I knew many months ago he’d never cum. I just wasn’t ready to admit or accept this. Not back then, anyway.

I think I’ll go grab a bite to eat now, then go do whatever else I can think of.

TUESDAY, APRIL 25, 1995 First of all, we went out last Saturday and mostly browsed around. We did get a couple of things, though. A fan on a stand that’s in the living room, and I got two CDs. Not counting Living in the USA and the 70s one I ordered, I now have a total of 108 CDs. At Best Buy I got Hasten Down the Wind which has several songs I sing. Also, her latest one in English is called Feels Like Home. It’s a lot like her older stuff and even Tom likes it. I haven’t learned it all yet, but I will.

Before we went shopping and looked around, we went to Red Lobster. That was great.

Kim called this afternoon. She’s still madly in love with Doug and says it’s mutual. She hasn’t told Doug yet that I’m the one behind the letters and is gonna wait till I send 1 or 2 more. I mail them to her along with the letters I send her with an addressed envelope to his PO Box in Vernon, CT, then she mails it to him.

She still says that she wouldn’t be one bit shocked if I told her I was pregnant and says she sees it happening. I told her that sometimes I see it, but mostly I don’t.

She told me Minnie was a nice, down-to-earth, cool person that Bob would hardly look at or acknowledge. True to his letter, he “couldn’t keep his eyes or hands off of her.” She still believes in his innocence but sees no way any more than he does that he’ll get out alive. She thinks he’ll die in there of some heart-related issue. Well, it’s been a long time since I ever felt he’d make it out of there alive.

She also promised to write him more on the condition that he destroys every one of her letters. She doesn’t want anyone to ever see them.

I’m 99% sure no one would call, let alone come here concerning any of my letters (should he die or whatever), but I’ve got a request of my own for him. Not to destroy my 100-and-something letters, but to destroy all my envelopes that have address labels on them. Also, any letters with any addresses, names, or numbers. Then, from there on out, I’ll ask that he rip off and destroy my address labels or destroy the whole envelope. I still want to use address labels, so anything that needs to be returned to me can be.

Great news today at the doctor’s office. I was so nervous beforehand like most people and fearing the worst. Like him saying, “Jodi, I hate to tell you this, but the skin graft is all messed up. I have to operate again.”

However, as Tom said, and as I knew deep down in my heart, he said it looked great. Tom kept insisting I’d have to wear a bathing cap this summer and I told him I was determined to get around that. How the hell would I get all this hair up into it anyway? So, when I went to ask the doctor about it, Tom looked at me as if to say, sorry, but you aren’t gonna get your way with this one. Sure enough, though, and thank God, the doctor said due to the fact that everyone’s different I’ll have to experiment and see what my ear can or cannot tolerate. Growing up at beaches every year and swimming most of my life in so many places, I know I’ve never had Swimmer’s Ear or any kind of ear infection that I can remember, so that’s a good sign. One advantage the bad ear has is that it’s drilled straight in, whereas the good ear’s not, cuz that’s how normal ear canals are. Anyway, he says my ear canal is almost the size of a regular one and to just tip my head over when I get out of the water. I do that anyway with the good ear. If there are any problems, there are drops I can get to help avoid infections and problems like that. He said you can get it other ways, too. From showers, rainstorms, etc. Well, I grew up doing an awful lot of swimming for 3 months at the beach and where it rains a lot, and have never had a problem, so that helps to know.

Little by little I’m getting color. Arizona’s definitely back, thank God! Did I mention how our weather was like Massachusetts for about a week? It was cold, damp, rainy, and it really sucked. It was 88º today and tomorrow it’ll be 93º. The pool temperature was 74º today and this weekend we’re gonna heat it up. I hope the temperature stays where it is. Better yet, goes up.

Later…

I don’t know if the owner of that dog came to pick it up or not, but all’s been quiet enough from over there, so that’s cool. I hear an occasional scream, but nothing I can’t deal with. They’re still playing out front, but they’ve been quieter at it. I’m still not sure if I’ll leave her a note to come over to chat or have coffee. She’s probably too busy and who’d watch the kids? She’d have to haul the herd over here and no way! This place isn’t baby-proof and never will be unless we have one and I’m still almost sure we won’t.

Now here’s some very strange, funny, weird, yet great news. I wish to hell I taped the conversation I had with my mom earlier cuz it was great. I forgot to ask how long Dad’s gonna be gone to New England and also if they cracked my secret code in fingerspelling. I typed the alphabet and interpreted that up top of the message which said - I love and miss you both.

Also, in 3-4 days a package will arrive from them. I started next week’s letter to them and jokingly said, “So, ma, when’s the package gonna be here?” as I usually do.

Anyway, if Andy, who’s seen the bad side of her, heard us talking, he wouldn’t believe it was the same Dureen O he used to know. Dad was there too, and they had company. It sounded like they could’ve been playing cards.

Later…

Continuing with what I was last saying - I told her about my ear and said (which is shockingly true) he didn’t even have to vacuum me today! Then she said, “Have him do your carpets, then.”

Then I told her our vacuum was broken and she asked why. I told her my hair jammed it up and she said, “You’re not supposed to vacuum your hair with it, you idiot.”

So then she goes, “Tell me. Is Tom really that caring or are you just putting on a show and bullshitting me?” Then after I reminded her that I tell her like it is and know how to dump a jerk and wasn’t bullshitting her, she said, “Well, he’ll get the stamp of approval only when I meet him.”

Of course she was teasing me, but I told her in their letter that it’d take a hell of a ton of bricks to fall on Tom’s head to turn him into a psycho, and how if that were possible I’d call them just like I did at the NHA and say, “Look. I’m in a really bad situation here and I need help to get an apartment till I can dance the money back to you and get on my feet. No pun intended.” Then to make her feel better, cuz nobody’s perfect I said, “I’ll tell you something negative about him. He’s a slob, an occasional procrastinator, and doesn’t always pick up after himself.”

She also told me I was really growing up and she just may like me after all. Well, I certainly didn’t expect either of us to like each other, even though we always loved each other. And it’s good to know we can get along, even though we’ll never be alike or agree on everything. She asked if there was a place to sleep when she got here and she said she was getting the bedroom and I had to sleep on the couch and wait on her. I told her I’d dress like a whore just to piss her off while I waited on her. She said, “Oh, yeah. Same old little whore.”

We were cracking up and she said when she gets here we can discuss my gift to her. She said with all those computers I said we had she was sure we could put something together. I really wish we could and we hope to someday. It may take a while, though.

We were teasing each other when I said I wouldn’t trade this life I’ve got today for the old one. She said she’d never take me back and I was like, “Good! I’d never go back with you. You’re a bossy nag.”

SATURDAY, APRIL 22, 1995 Last night’s live chat with Alex was fun. Confusing, but fun. I could send him instant messages, but I wasn’t getting any from him. After a while of not being able to find him, I sent him an instant message to go to the Starfleet Academy room. From there, we created our own room called Trouble. We chatted about odds and ends. He asked how Tom was and he told me how in love he is with this hearing woman named Mary.

I insisted to Tom today that I blew my schedule right out the door, but he insisted, “I expected this. This is good. You’re doing fine and are making great progress.”

Then I asked him, “What if we had a kid? I mean, I was so tired and there’d have been no way I could’ve kept up with it.”

He said, “You won’t get to be in that situation when the time comes.”

OK, whatever. I’m still not quite sure what he means. I may be able to fall back asleep and take naps more often now that I’m not going through all the shit I was in the past, but how the hell I’ll ever maintain a schedule beats me. I had set the alarm for 8 AM yesterday and after 4 days of 5-6 hours of sleep, I was dead exhausted, so I kept hitting the snooze till 10:30. My allergies were giving me hell and I felt really miserable, so at 1 PM I fell back asleep till 5 PM. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. He may sleep in here tomorrow night instead.

Not a sound all day or night from that dog next door. Only 8 van door slams at 10:30 PM or so.

Minnie shocked the shit out of me by giving me a call. She said Bob gained weight, cried when he saw them, and that was it. She told me how lousy motherhood’s been on her, the kid went off, and that was it. Tomorrow I’ll have a letter going out for Minnie.

Kim left a message, too. She and Doug are going to her grandmother’s in Maine for the weekend, but she’ll call back Sunday night.

Tom and I talked to my parents earlier. All’s well with them.

THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1995 Yesterday, a federal building with several different federal offices in it was bombed and 200-300 people were killed. A lot of kids too, as there was a daycare office in this building for employees there. The bomb caused damage as much as 5 blocks away. Tammy thinks it’s Middle Eastern terrorists. Tom thinks it’s US citizens pissed off at the government, but authorities have no suspects or motives.

This is really scary. Especially since it happened in Oklahoma City and not some bigger, more well-known place like New York City, Boston, L.A., Chicago or Miami. Tom said the nearest federal building to us is miles away, but it sure reinforces the fact that we’re just not safe anywhere.

We still want a child, but it made me wonder once again if the joys and rewards of having a child are worth all the risks. No one can protect them 24 hours a day. Even Tammy said how it pisses her off that kids in school have to be taught how to defend themselves against guns when they should be learning their ABCs and 2+2=4. I can almost bet you, though, that the kids who were killed had great parents. Those who survived probably had assholes for parents.

In an hour and a half, I’ll be chatting with Alex live on AOL. We’re gonna chat for 10-15 minutes, he said, so he doesn’t charge up too much. This will be part of my 5 hours a month, but I’ll have to ask Tom when the billing cycle begins and ends.

Every time a good deal is offered by a phone company, Tom grabs it, so we’re going from Touch One to AT&T. Our monthly bills are $25 - $30 bucks and now we can make twice as many calls for that amount for 6 months. Plus, they’re giving us one free weekend and a $20 check.

Got a letter from Bob today saying Kim and Minnie did get to see him, so he’s happy about that.

Tom’s gonna sleep in here tomorrow night. I don’t think I mentioned how it went last week. The shocking part of it was that when he got into bed a few hours after I did, I never woke up! However, I did after another hour, then went back to bed a couple of hours later. He said it was a great start and great that I didn’t wake up when he got into bed and that I could get back to sleep, even though it took a while. Yeah, it sure helps to not be fuming over constant noisy neighbors who you know are doing it deliberately or who just don’t give a damn.

We got one prank call today for the first time in ages. The person never spoke and hung up after a few seconds, but someone was definitely there. The caller made a slight breathing sound that made me think of Nervous, but why would he bother after all this time? We don’t live alone and close by with no lives and I believe his obsession’s long over. If it was him, then maybe he got bored, broke up with Crystal, and just decided to see if I was still here for curiosity’s sake. I doubt it was Fran cuz he would’ve said something. Or had someone else talk. I still can’t believe what a good boy he’s been, but I would believe it if every handful of months he tries calling as if nothing ever happened and as if we’ve been great friends all along. I wonder if he calls Nervous. He’s local and I know there have been guys as well as females he’s called for years.

The guy next door is on his way out again. After the mail came, I went out to see if any packages were left outside. Both dogs were tied to their trees and there was Lenore. She told me that the dog was not even theirs and that the owner’s picking it up in a few days. Yes!! Thank you, God! She said the reason they were out front was cuz they exterminated the back area.

Anyway, she really is a sweet person and if things continue to go cool I might leave her a note saying: I’ll understand if you’re busy, but feel free to ring the doorbell if you want to chat or have coffee, as I’m home a lot, too. We’ll see in a few weeks to a month.

Well, I’m gonna go do word search puzzles till it’s time to go online with Alex.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19, 1995 What a depressing, scary, and sickening day this has been. I’ll start with the petty stuff that’s quite minor first, compared to the biggie that’s going on elsewhere.

For about an hour next door today, I was really damn close to going over there and saying, “Look. I appreciate your keeping the kids down, but I refuse to be compensated with that new dog of yours!”

I can be controlled and have to make sacrifices within normal and acceptable reasons by family and friends, but not someone else’s dog. I’m not gonna sit by and be forced to wait till it adjusts and becomes like their other dog. I want so bad to live in a house where if a neighbor gets a dog we won’t know about it. Just cuz it may be better than their other one which went off round the clock and just cuz it may be better than hearing the kids doesn’t mean I’ll deal with its daily half-hour to 1½-hour of adjustment bullshit. All the more so when I’m in my room trying to read, write, or whatever.

I finished copying this year’s horoscopes. I also typed quite a bit of 83.

Tom will be home in a little over a half-hour, so I’ll write about the federal building that was bombed in Oklahoma City and why it both pisses me off and scares me, sometime later on.

TUESDAY, APRIL 18, 1995 Thankfully I hardly ever heard their new puppy today. On Tom’s way into the garage, he said he saw it and they also still have that other one. He also said the kids were out, but shockingly I never heard a peep out of them. Fine with me. I only heard that dog twice this morning for a couple of seconds. Out back it was really faint, but it was much louder as I was heading into the bathroom. This tells me they must be keeping it in their carport, cuz if their living room window was open and it was there, I’d hear all those kids, too.

Tom’s job’s looking more promising. Meaning, he just may be able to stay there. That’d be great.

I sent Alex a message a couple of days ago about us chatting live today at 3 PM my time. However, there was a message left from him today saying he’d be in Lesbianville. (Northampton) So I zapped a reply back suggesting 10 PM my time on Thursday night, so we’ll see what he says about it.

No mail for me today, and Tom “predicts” I won’t get that CD. I had an unfortunate feeling about that too, cuz I really want it bad. If I didn’t care about it that much - no problem.

Speaking of CDs, boy did I make a shocking discovery today! Back when I lived out on Bell Rd., I got 3 CDs from this same company. One of them was pretty sucky, so I tossed it aside and have ignored it ever since. Well, I hadn’t begun listening to oldies stations till the winter of ‘93 or so. This song by the Chi-Lites that I’d never heard of before called Have You Seen Her is a song I came to like. I requested it 6 months before we were married, dedicating it to my fiancée who Tom was at the time. I never caught the very beginning of it on tape, though, cuz they talked over it. So, a few months ago I retaped it, catching a little more of the beginning. Then, today I picked up that CD and there it was! Hell, I’ve had this song for nearly two years, maybe a little more, and I never fucking knew it!

Can’t think of anything else at the moment and I got up at 6:30 AM, so I won’t be up more than a couple more hours or so.

MONDAY, APRIL 17, 1995 I have lots to write about, so I’ll get on with it now. Last Saturday Tom trimmed that ¼” off my hair which is really on its way to getting a lot healthier.

Sunday was when we were out for 4½ hours or so. First, we cruised around Camelback Mountain. I filmed as he drove.

Then we went to a 50s cafe where a very friendly butch waited on us.

Lastly, it was off to the racetrack where we stood for two races. First, we betted on an important race in Kentucky which they showed throughout the place on TV screens. Then they paraded the horses around a small circular area for the people to see. Then they returned with their jockeys riding them. Cuz racehorses are high-strung, they’re led by calmer non-racing horses I’d call “the tranquilizers” to keep them calm. They galloped to the other side of the track to warm up. A few minutes later they’d race. They race a different group of 6-12 horses every 15 minutes.

Tom taught me a few things. A quarter horse is trained to accelerate really fast to chase down any runaway horses. These races consisted of fillies and mares. A filly’s a female horse under 5. A mare is a female horse over 5.

We betted $2 on a few tickets but had no real luck. We also got soda and popcorn there and I got a huge gumball.

I forgot to mention the biorhythm charts we got printed out from a machine for 50¢ at that cafe. It gives you your levels between low, good, and high in luck, romance, creativity, health, sex, ambition, endurance, finance, friendship, and leisure plans. Tom’s was higher than mine overall.

Later…

The kids next door are still barely noticeable. The only thing I hear is their van coming and going, but I don’t know if they still have that red van. I haven’t seen it lately. I saw some other weird-looking truck over there. I also wonder if they got another dog. Every now and then I hear some weird howling. Sometimes it’s really low, others really high. Amazingly, I don’t think anyone was there this weekend, but it was Easter, so that’s probably why.

I wonder if my parent’s flag catalog will come today. I wish the CD would get here earlier, but I doubt it. It probably won’t be here for another 2-3 weeks. I totally lost track of when my first puzzle book is due to arrive, but I’ve still got about 80 or so here to do. Yesterday I did about 50.

Yup, this journal’s surely gonna last an extremely long time.

I did some singing earlier as well as copied in more horoscopes. I’m up to mid-October now. It’s been a while since I’ve edited or worked on my story but I wanted to get the horoscopes out of the way first.

Later…

Tom will be home in about an hour. In a half-hour from now, I’ll start dinner. I’m gonna make us pork chops and tater tots.

Tomorrow’s my curse and it’s nice to know I only feel it physically and not mentally. The only thing I feel is a little sluggish due to this damn weather. It’s been a lot like New England. It’s really damn chilly and once again I’ve got my portable heater on. This shit started yesterday and it’s gonna stay like this till the weekend. Last night we had major wind and rain.

I worked on something else I’ve been putting on hold also and typed up more of 83.

Anyway, today’s a good day in the way that I’m glad we’ve got no kid now.

Tom’s home. I’ll finish later.

Later…

Anyway, as I was saying, this disgusting weather which has me feeling rather energyless makes me glad Tom’s “feeling” will be wrong. He feels I’ll get pregnant between May - July. This is almost getting funny. As July’s on its way out, he’ll tell me it’ll be between August - October.

He came home with groceries, then left to get louvers which are supposed to go up on the roof to prevent the air in here from going out the vents and through the cooler on the roof. Two places didn’t have them and one was closed, so he came home and threw some wood in. He also fired up the wall heater in the back room.

There goes that whining dog again and it is next door and it isn’t the dog they’ve always had. I’ve been hearing this on and off all day. What? Is this what I’m gonna get instead of the kids? Well, it may be better, but no way! I believe I’ve heard this for 3 days now and if it keeps up, they’re getting another letter.

Later…

I just asked Tom if he thought they got a new dog and he said yes, but don’t worry cuz it’ll stop barking sooner than the other one did when they moved in. He said the other one may have died and older dogs tend to bark more and for longer when moved to a new environment. This one sounds like a scared puppy and it barks, or whines I should say, for only a few minutes an hour. That other one was 24/7 when they first got here. Well, I do understand and feel it’ll stop soon. If not, I’ll take care of it. How the hell can they afford this, though, with so many people to feed? As I said before, this is probably why they’re all crammed into a tiny house. Where have they got this dog? It’s definitely not out back, so it’s got to be in their living room and they always have their windows open. With all that body heat, they probably don’t need any heat on now. It’s amazing that I can’t hear the kids scream cuz they’re even louder than the dog. Fine with me, though.

Later…

Tom’s going to bed now and I am going to repolish my pitiful-looking nails. I’ll be back to write later on.

SUNDAY, APRIL 16, 1995 Yesterday we went to Turf Paradise. It's definitely not something I'd ever really be into in a big way, but it was still fairly interesting. He showed me around the place first. There was a little gift shop, places to eat, and stuff like that. We went to the top of the bleachers and the view was pretty nice. Actually, I'm not really in the mood to write at this time, so I'll write all about Turf Paradise and the filming we did some other time.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 1995 I talked with my dad yesterday. He’s sending me a catalog of all their flags. He’s going up north on May 1st. I teased him about part of their motto and said, “You said if you don’t have it, you can get it, so where’s my flag of Gloria?”

He said he’d go by the old neighborhood and see who lives there. I told him he could give them a certain finger.

He thought the fingerspelling font was cool.

Later…

It sure isn’t too easy writing in this book in bed. I’ll get used to it, though.

I finally got around to making a GYN appointment. I’ll have to go for that on May 24th.

I laid out back for a while as I read my book. I scrubbed the kitchen floor and typed letters to Kim, Bob, and my parents. I called Tammy who was about to leave for the weekend to go see Bill at his hotel. I let her know I have 6 songs on their way to her.

Let’s see…what else did I do? I sang and copied more horoscopes. I haven’t attempted to put music to any of my lyrics yet, but maybe I will soon.

When I go to type up this journal, I wonder how easy, or even possible it’ll be to put it on the music stand.

Later…

I just ran out back for a cigarette. The lounge chairs we have out there are not only uncomfortable, but they’re falling apart. We need to get new ones that are comfier.

I just kicked on the radio hoping to catch a goodie. I’m not wasting my time bothering to call in a request cuz they never play it. They say something like, “Yeah, I think we have that song. I think I can get that on for you.” Yeah, right.

There are these two songs by the Sylvers I’d like to have, but I haven’t heard them yet. A while back they played Best of My Love by the Emotions. It was like their one hit. I used to love that song so much. My cousin Lisa and I would play that 45 a lot at each other’s house.

HA! HA! HA! Some girl just called and requested Blue Bayou by Linda Ronstadt. The DJ said, “Sure,” but he’s playing Hurt So Bad, instead. Yup, they really know what they’re doing at this station.

It has been so wonderfully peaceful with the kids next door. I hope it stays this way!

The reason why I made a GYN appointment is cuz no matter what he says and no matter what my song says about the word “never,” I know I’ll never have a kid. So, putting off the appointment until I get pregnant is just a fantasy. If I did that, I’d never see a GYN again in my life. It’s still important for me to get regular check-ups, as much as I hate to, and Tom and I know all is fine.

Awesome! They just played YMCA which I taped.

Tomorrow Tom and I are gonna go to the racetrack. We’re also gonna explore the chat line on AOL, and it’s time for him to take and trim ¼” of my hair. I’m not sure what else we’re gonna do.

He’s not sure if he’s gonna end up staying at Bank of America. He says there are too many people and too little work.

THURSDAY, APRIL 13, 1995 Today I’m gonna make the GYN appointment I’m late for. It’s only once a year, so I may as well get it over with.

Right now I’m feeling typical PMS dullness and blues.

There are a few things I want to bring up and say to Tom. However, I’m afraid he’ll feel pressured and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. Meaning that I don’t want him to think I’m being selfish, trying to change him or have him please only me. If he had a request of me, I’d try to do whatever I could for him and I don’t ever want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

It’s not that our relationship is boring in and out of bed and I like the gentleman in him, but why not add even more flair? I want so badly to tell him to be more romantic. This means both of us. I wish he’d be a little more adventurous at times. Not be afraid to grab my butt in public when no one’s looking, not be afraid to grab a quickie in the car in a more secluded parking lot, not be afraid to talk dirty to me more often, etc. I know he knows when to draw the line. One time when we were in the car, I slid my hand on his leg. He said he was a big boy and could wait till he got home. I don’t want him to always be a “big boy.”

I also wish, with no misunderstandings on my part for thinking it’s the real thing, that he’d pretend and say he came occasionally in bed. Cuz even though he’s said and I know it’s not my fault, I know he could have always cum and will always have that choice, I’d still feel more like a real woman who’s doing her job right. It still has me feeling a bit abnormal and different with a low sense of confidence when it comes to how I make him feel sexually.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even hold myself back from cumming to see how it makes him feel. Maybe he’d be able to understand how I feel better. It just seems too hard to do. After being built up and made so horny, I’ve got to be relieved or else I’m so frustrated. I just don’t know how he does it!

Anyway, as I said before, I’m afraid to bring this up to him. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or suggest he get into stuff he doesn’t want to do.

We both admit we do contradict ourselves a lot in the things we say. I also think we should work on improving this and keeping our word if the situation permits it.

Later…

Oh, I feel so much better! I told Tom everything I just wrote about in my last entry and as I should’ve known better, it was no problem. He totally agreed and understood all I said and told me we should never hesitate to make suggestions.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12, 1995 Not much to say today on one of the most unfavorable dates in my life 12 years ago.

No “strange noises” yesterday, thankfully.

To make copying in this year’s horoscopes easier, I called Prodigy and spoke them into my box. One by one I’m copying them in. For the most part, I think they’re way off. Some things they mentioned, I sure hope don’t come true. Some would be nice if they came true. They must’ve gotten bored when they got around to December as they had lines in them from earlier months.

I still don’t always get the difference between the words “effect” and “affect.”

Believe it or not, the scale said I was 97 pounds. I feel it and feel like I look smaller, but according to my measurements, I’m still the same. Still, I say it’s nice to be like this 6 days before my period. In a few more days or so, the water, tenderness, and constipation will hit.

It’s hard for me, especially at this time of the month, to remain realistic. How do I convince myself that no matter how much Tom says he wants a kid he’s never gonna cum and we’re never gonna have a kid? How do I accept this? What will make it easier for me? I’ve got to find a way to accept and deal with it, otherwise my life’s gonna be much harder than it needs to be or should be.

I’ll be damned if I’ll try praying again. Not after what happened, even though I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for it. Besides, the bulk of me still doesn’t believe in it.

TUESDAY, APRIL 11, 1995 Boy, have I got a major project for this journal!

Before I get into it, though, I’ll write about an experience I had early yesterday morning that really freaked me out. It was freaky, weird, and even scary. At about 8 AM, I decided to chat with God once again. I laid down in bed, turned the fan on, turned the lights off and shut the bedroom door. I first began to say, “I want to believe in Your existence and a lot of the time I do. However, how do I know You’re not just a myth? A made-up character cuz most people want to believe in a higher power that’s good. However, I need a sign that You can at least hear me, if not understand me and help me with my requests. Something not too freaky, but would let me know You’re there and you hear me.”

The next thing I know I hear a sound that’s quite hard to describe. I believe it came from near the bedroom door. That’s the first place I looked towards anyway. It scared the shit out of me and I froze in sheer terror. I ran and checked the house out, but all was fine and locked up tight. It wasn’t windy out, so I don’t think anything could’ve blown against the house. It sounded like a knock/tapping that had a creakiness to it. The closest place and type of sound that I can describe it as is a knock on my bedroom door.

Tom suggested a test by knocking on the front door. Nope. Way too soft. I was so spooked out that I slept on the couch.

Anyway, perhaps I’ll never really know for sure what that sound was and if it was a coincidence with a logical explanation or a true sign from God. Tom said that if it was God - why be afraid of Him? I’m not, but that sudden, unexpected, unknown sound sure scared me. Maybe if it was really Him, He figured that freaking me out and scaring me was the only way to give me that sign I asked for. Well, I sure as hell won’t ask for a sign again! It was too creepy!

Tom disagreed with one other theory I had. I asked if he could be mad at me for wanting more than the wonderful things I’ve already got and Tom said no.

I got two letters today. A finger-spelling one from Alex. I read it OK, but it was too small. I got one from Kim today too, on really nice stationery with multicolored lines. She loved her fingerspelling letter and said to send more anytime.

Now for my project. I copied horoscopes off of Prodigy to copy in here, but shit! It took nearly two hours to do April and May. I thought it’d be neat to have a “book of horoscopes.” I don’t know how far I’ll go with this, meaning, how long. Maybe be a few months, maybe the whole year of 1995. The whole rest of the year would be nice. If I do decide to do that much and end up needing a few more pages from another journal for it, I’ll use #91.

A jackpot for Andy too, cuz I had to copy these down somewhere first. I copied them onto a notepad. One of my old Barbie ones my parents sent me when I first came here. Andy will love it cuz he loves passing notes out. In stores, restaurants, people’s cars, etc.

I’m 98 pounds! Wow! Just when I was feeling like a fat blimp. I have been exercising, though. Wait till I get closer to my period on the 18th. Then I’ll be feeling it as I bulk out with water.

MONDAY, APRIL 10, 1995 Where the hell is that weirdo next door going at this hour? And does he ever sleep?

Anyway, I just got done reading some of the book I’m reading. Gonna do some editing now.

First of all, though, Tom liked my songs and gave me the feedback I asked for. He rated The Strangers are Waiting an 8½, Visions a 5, and Dreams Are Not Enough a 7. However, he says we can rewrite Dreams Are Not Enough to be a 9. He showed me his ideas about it and I liked it much better.

SUNDAY, APRIL 9, 1995 Well, I’ve known Tom for two years as of today. God, that’s amazing!

Anyway, what my parents sent wasn’t a card or a letter. It was a newspaper article with a picture of my dad in it holding one of the flags they sell. Apparently, a law was passed, then tossed out, about businesses putting up flags that’d make the place look like a circus. It never was intended, though, to stop people from decorating their homes. This would’ve also meant bad business for them and as I said in a letter I typed them, people should have the right to decorate as they wish and not be controlled.

I jokingly asked Dad how much he was paid for his modeling contract. Also, I’d use the search mode to make sure I didn’t leave the letter ‘l’ out of the word flags.

I had a discussion earlier with Tom on how I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for reasons why he doesn’t cum. I said, first it was my attitude, then certain things I’d wear that don’t create tan lines as he likes, then my talk of getting pregnant. Next, how do I know it won’t be cuz I have red nail polish on or whatever? He reassured me it was not my fault and that I can’t control his dick, but that I should control, worry, and take care of myself and give him the benefit of the doubt. Meaning, wear what I want and don’t worry about him. Another example he gave me was when he said he doesn’t believe in premonitions and vibes but doesn’t try to change my opinion of it. In other words, it’s OK for me to believe he could’ve always cum at any time, but don’t throw it up in his face and challenge it. The man has a point. How do I really know for sure what’s on his mind about what he says about not cumming? I should do unto him as I expect him to do unto me. He takes me for face value, gives me the benefit of the doubt, lets me think and feel as I please, and doesn’t tell me what to wear and do. This excludes if he says - Jodi can you please get me a soda? Or - can I help you decide what to wear occasionally?

There are times when I like and ask him to pick out outfits for me. I know he appreciates all the little things I do for him, and that to him they’re big things that all add up. Still, I sometimes feel slow, stupid, and inadequate cuz I love him so much that all the more I want to be able to make him happy. I know it’s harder for me to wait for certain things, whether or not they’ll happen. He said I accepted waiting for a dishwasher easier, for example, but to me, that’s cuz it’s a material thing and those are easier to wait for.

Later…

I am in a lazy mood as I begin this journal.

Getting back to our earlier conversation about acceptance. He was saying I was getting worse at not accepting some things I can’t have right now, as I did with the dishwasher. The dishwasher is a material thing, but I would just totally love to be able to do that with the singing and the kid as easily as it is to say so. I want to be able to say to myself that if I can ever have a kid, I can’t have one now, and if I can, it’ll possibly be months from now or maybe even a few years. People don’t normally get pregnant just like that.

I should’ve known him better and I should’ve known that when he said I’d be pregnant soon, maybe he really did think that and that he wasn’t knowingly, intentionally, and deliberately trying to lead me on or play with my head.

I cooked up some spag and potatoes earlier, so I think I’ll go chow down now. I also typed a letter to my folks as well as one for Kim and one for her to mail to Doug. Soon, after eating, I may do some editing, work on my story, do puzzles, or whatever. I also have my library book to read. Maybe I’ll call the radio station and see if I can request a few songs.

Later…

I got the bandages off, so why am I still getting headaches? They’re not serious and painful, but they’re annoying. It can’t be my hair. My hair’s not that long anymore.

SATURDAY, APRIL 8, 1995 Yes! Guess what I’m getting in the mail in 3-4 weeks? Well, it’s a club that’s even better than Columbia House and BMG for music. It operates a little differently, less pushy. I saw a commercial for a CD called Sounds of the 70s. They had several songs I love on it. I called for it under a fake name and every month or every other month they automatically send you a CD making it very convenient for you to send it back if you don’t want it.

I’m in the mood to write till Andy calls me around 2:00, but I just can’t think of anything to write about to fill up these last 12 pages.

Oh, yeah - I figured out the intro to that Abba song for Andy. I left it on his machine. He left me a message all psyched up about it saying I’ve got it and he can’t believe how I figured it out so fast. Especially when I hate the song to begin with. He had just come in from work and said he was gonna watch his soaps while I was checking out that movie. He’ll probably call in 15 minutes to a half-hour.

Later…

I talked with Andy for a little over an hour. He called that 800# and ordered that same 70s CD under a bogus name.

God, this journal just is never gonna end! It feels like it’s a 300-page one. That big one I got has 160 pages in it, but it’ll be like 320. Double. When I was writing the two middle pages in it, I mentioned seeing ones with spiral binders on them to make it easier to write closer to the center of the book. I may get one someday, now that they don’t only have them in soft covers. I had an idea for if I get one, but am not sure if it’s a good one or worth it. That would be to detach its pages which can easily be done. Then, set the margins on the computer to fit the print on its pages. Type and print its pages, then buy some of those reinforcers to reattach them with.

Later…

I’m starting to tire down but I hope to see Tom before I conk out. If not, he’s off this weekend.

Lately, the thought of having a kid is like - ugh! I love it and wish it were like this all the time. I know, however, I’ll probably have my moments when I want one here and there throughout my life. I don’t think either Tom or myself will ever get serious about trying to get me pregnant no matter what we say. I think we both know that we’re so busy, we have plans, aren’t rich, and want each other with no one in the way. This is regardless of my probable sterility and his never cumming.

I had told him, and even he said any time’s good for him to move into my room. He’s been stalling and I’m so glad about it. I mean, I share the rest of the house with him and everything else. I want my own space and room. I don’t want his snoring and movements constantly waking me up any more than I want a screaming kid to. I want so much to say to him, “Look. I want my own room. Even lovers who get along 99% of the time need their own space and we’re not having a kid.”

However, I’m afraid this would hurt his feelings. Maybe not, though, cuz why isn’t he in here? It was gonna be after the December surgery, then after the last one. If he really wanted to, he’d be in here and he could’ve made the time. I’m not gonna bring it up and I sure hope he doesn’t.

FRIDAY, APRIL 7, 1995 Deadly Game is about to come on with Norah in it, so I’m writing and doing puzzles while it’s on.

Earlier yesterday morning I talked to my parents and let them know about my ear.

Before Tom went to his first day of work at Bank of America (not Bank One), he surprised me with a letter in fingerspelling. He had said he’d do one for me when I did one for him and I really didn’t think he would. I put it in my binder with all my other letters.

Tom said he really enjoyed his first day of work. He said the work was easy and we really hope all continues to go well and that he ends up staying there.

Tomorrow after work we’re probably gonna go out and get that large journal I mentioned before.

I renewed my library book today.

We have sex more often which is good. We screwed earlier where he gets hard and I get off. I have a feeling more and more and am pretty sure he’ll never cum. Not by this June. Not by next June. It’s his choice, though.

I wonder if he’s read any more of my story? I doubt it with how busy he’s been. I never feared him reading any of the journals I typed up for two reasons. One, he’s too busy. Two, I don’t think someone’s past is of interest to most people. We’re mainly your typical kind of people who live for today as well as the future.

Later…

I got a reply from Alex at AOL. He mentioned us chatting live on their chat line. Last night Tom mentioned setting that up for me, too. Maybe this weekend, but Tom will have to help me through it the first time around, cuz I have no idea what to even do.

Earlier Tom and I went out to get that big 8x11½ journal. At least I think that’s what it said its size was. The cover’s really pretty and I can’t believe it was only $12. I wrote the two middle pages with no paragraphs. It looked cool seeing so much writing all crammed together in one area where you could see the whole thing. I also got a regular journal, too.

Tomorrow night we may be going to his parent’s house. Ma’s sister Neva (Geneva) is in for a month or so from Michigan. She wanted to escape the shitty weather and ice storms they were having there. Also, she wants to meet me and I haven’t seen my in-laws since that Christmas get-together. No. The last time was when Steven, Carol, and her son were there from California. This was sometime last January, I believe.

Andy had wanted me to figure out the intro to an Abba song and I just did. I’ll teach it to him in person.

That movie called Appointment with Death is taping right now. When it started I saw Norah. Her clothes were plain rather than pitiful like I thought they might be since this movie’s set in the 1930s. It’s an Agatha Christy mystery. Her face looks alright but her hair’s too short. She definitely looked the best in The Guardian and second-best in Hold the Dream.

THURSDAY, APRIL 6, 1995 Yesterday was my dad’s 64th birthday. I tried calling on and off all day but got no answer. At 11:00 last night, I left a message on his machine. They’re now 3 hours ahead of us once again.

Kim called again today to tell me about Doug’s reaction to the letter I sent him. It looks as if I may have forgotten to mention that. I sent a wacky letter to his PO box in Vernon, CT. Kim says he thinks it’s a guy writing a woman who had his PO box before him. He just recently got this PO Box. I’m gonna write a letter to her to send to him and then she’ll spill the beans on him, as she put it, and let him in on the joke.

I also heard from Kim the same thing that Andy heard from his friend Mary. Just when they thought they’d have an easy winter (and they did) and thought spring was coming, they had a huge snowstorm and are absolutely freezing! HAHA.

A while back I had begun to put contact paper down on some of the kitchen shelves, ran out, and never finished it. So Tom picked up a few rolls and I did the remaining shelves and drawers.

Tom got a temporary job that he hopes becomes permanent if he likes it. I hope he likes it cuz they start off at $9 an hour and have good benefits. It’s Monday-Friday, 7 AM-4 PM at Bank One. It’s doing office work which is kind of new to him, using computers and word processing.

We spent around $200 today. We got a new lamp and other stuff we needed. A lamp for the back room, I meant to say, and $100 went for getting him 4 new shirts, 2 ties, socks, and undershirts.

Tomorrow we have to renew my library book.

I have so much to do. There are still journals to be typed up and my story to work on, editing to be done, letters to be typed, as well as other shit. Andy wants me to try to figure out the intro to an Abba song on the keyboard and teach it to him. I’ve also had some lyrics for new songs going through my head here and there, so soon I’ll see what I can get down on paper.

I can’t believe how long this journal’s been running. It’s the longest one since 42 back in the fall of ‘93, but I’m out of here for now.

TUESDAY, APRIL 4, 1995 I can’t sleep yet, so I figured I’d write before I got too backed up. My ear is itching now and driving me nuts. Right in the hole, so that oughta be a good enough sign that it’s healing well. Tomorrow’s the big day! Can’t wait to get these bandages off.

Two days ago Tom got that fingerspelling font from AOL. It is so cool. I wish I got it long ago. I sent letters with it to Alex, Kim, Tammy and my parents. For Tammy and my parent’s letters, I wrote out the words for them, naturally.

We replaced the kitchen faucet which is great. No more leaking or having a hard time turning it off.

Our living room ceiling fan died, so he had one at his parents’ house with a light that he brought over.

His ma gave me a plastic placemat with all kinds of drawings of cactuses on it and their names. I tacked it up over the sink.

Later…

No more bandages!! What a relief to get those off. Then to come home and shower and wash my hair. Dr. Nielsen said my new outer graft looked great as well as the inner ear and graft on my arm. How does it look to me? I am really amazed and impressed. It really doesn’t look much different than before. It just looks shorter. I really was afraid it’d be quite gross and discolored. It’s not reddish and black like before. The hearing still isn’t like the good ear, but it is better than before and the hole is wide open. He could touch and wiggle it all over which normally would’ve been excruciating. It was great to listen to my stereo with the big headphones. I’m gonna be able to lay very comfortably on that ear. Nothing he did today hurt at all. He even said he was pleased with how calm I was.

I called and told Tammy all about it and tomorrow I’ll be calling my parents.

Got a letter from Bob today and I’ll let him and everyone else know that everything’s great. I mean, really. Good riddance to the frame, which as Dr. Nielsen said, was my problem all along. I will be forever grateful to both Dr. Nielsen and Dr. Joganic. It’s amazing how I had that discomfort and pain for 6 years and how this man put an end to it in 15 minutes. Then as a bonus, Dr. Nielsen gave me hearing.

He said I could remove the bandage on my graft today and I did. This summer I may also not necessarily have to swim with a bathing cap.

Tom’s gone to a job fair and I’m very tired now. Whenever I fall asleep it’ll be for a long time. I need it and haven’t gotten much sleep with all this on my mind.

Yes, I still want a kid, but after this, I’m glad it’ll be a long time (if ever) before I have to deal with that. There’s no comparison between all this ear stuff I’ve been through and having a kid. Having a kid is a million times more painful with a million more problems. One after another for life. Anyway, getting pregnant is hardly anything I need to worry about. In the meantime, I shall surely enjoy my freedom and how much better I feel.

I go back to Dr. Nielsen on April 24 and May 15. I don’t need to ever see Dr. Joganic.

SUNDAY, APRIL 2, 1995 Well, two more days and counting very, very slowly. Can’t wait to get these bandages off!

Tom got a new faucet to replace our old one in the kitchen. The one we have now leaks and is hard to turn on and off.

The weather’s been nice and they’ve been such sweethearts next door. When I was sitting out there, I told myself, you know on such a beautiful day like today, they’d be screaming on and off if you didn’t write that letter. Thank God it worked, as I really had my doubts. I wish I wrote it a long time ago.

I talked with both Tammy and Larry today. Larry was very tired when I called, so we didn’t talk for long. All he really said was that the visit with Tammy was boring, he heard half the tape, liked it, and will call soon.

Tom also got 3 more tape dispensers, parts for the cigarette machine, a new fluorescent bulb, and something you plug the refrigerator into that’s supposed to save money.

I’m sure there’ll always be a part of me that will want a kid, but there are some things that turn me off about it the more I think of it. And this isn’t just the things I always said that scared me about it like the lack of sleep, etc. This may sound funny, but at the same time I believe Tom wants a kid, I believe more and more that he may be doing more than trying to drive patience into me. I believe he may be leading me on, but time will tell. I have so many different theories, that I’m not sure which one, if any, could be right. Maybe he really doesn’t want a kid but doesn’t want to let me down or say so. Maybe he does and doesn’t want one. I feel that way a lot. I definitely don’t believe he can’t cum or that he came last winter. He’s even admitted this, even if in an indirect way. Not with the way he’s “always so close.” There’s always an excuse, too. He’s tired, he’s sick, his back hurts, his hip, etc. He’s 37, not 87. If he’s truly playing a game with me, what’s he gonna do when he can no longer play it? Other than Kim, I know he has and would tell lies pertaining to sex. If this is how he feels, then I don’t want to have a kid with him. I don’t want to play any games, or for either of us to keep kidding ourselves. I kidded myself about a woman, about singing, and I sure as hell ain’t gonna kid myself with no baby. If he doesn’t cum by June, then he’s gonna say the same things he’s said about it since day one. He’s “going to.” Anytime now. He’ll be cumming in no time. Same thing with the kid. It’s gone from having one in November to conceiving in March, then April, and now it’s within the year. Well, I’m not gonna play this game every year, he can fuck having a kid for all I care and either speak up about what’s really on his mind or quit fooling the both of us!

Later…

When we were laying in bed one time he said it’d be best for me to cum first when we’re screwing. Then, I had said that if he came first he could always go down on me to get me off. He said he wouldn’t do that with his cum down there. Well, if he really came last winter like he said he did, then why should he worry when he doesn’t discharge anything? He’s slipping and his own game is catching up to him. If he wants to hold back and spare me the mess, the smell of bleach, more power to him. I’ll be damned if I’ll blame myself for his choice. This doesn’t turn me off from being his wife. I love the man to death and I always want to be with him, but it certainly turns me off of the idea of a kid. I think we have enough going on now in our lives and should keep things as they are for the most part. If he doesn’t tell me, only time will tell me what’s going through his head. I can thoroughly believe anything he tells me, but not anything pertaining to sex or a kid.

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1995 Tom sure is confusing when it comes to having a kid. The bottom line is yes, he really does want one, but he’s dropping more hints that he can cum, but won’t till he feels the time is just perfect for getting pregnant. Probably after my appointments with Nielsen die down and maybe after the dentist and GYN. He said I’d be pregnant soon. Then it became sometime within the year.

Earlier I said to him, “You’re always right. You know when the kid’s gonna come.”

He said “Mhm,” with confidence.

He said that if nothing changes in our sex life (meaning if he doesn’t cum), to ask him about it on June 1st. I don’t know what he meant by that, but I kind of felt he may try for June. He said June didn’t mean anything. He said I could get pregnant in March or April. I still say that if he doesn’t cum by June, he never will. I will tell you this for sure. Maybe he’s trying to make me more patient. Maybe he wants it to be a surprise (and it surely would be no matter what and when), but I’m not gonna play these games. The bulk of me still wants one, but if I’m not pregnant this year, I’m just gonna go get a hysterectomy. I’ll be damned if I’ll play games for too many more months! I know he won’t cum in April or May, but if he doesn’t let himself in June, forget it.

[lindajenni]

jan 26

familiar friday - pursue holiness (a repeat daily) "pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord” heb 12:14i read something recently that really touched my heart.  i know it is a story that belongs to someone else, and i will try to retell it using my words instead of theirs.  the difficulty in that is that most of it was told to them by someone else.  it is a story that i feel really needs to be told though.  so whoever wants to take credit for them, feel free and know that i claim it not as my own.  i hope this touches you as much as it did me. -------the #1 Regret of a 70 Year Old Christiana middle aged person sat down with a woman who they have fellowshipped with for several years.  this woman was filled with wisdom and insights and knowledge.  seeking to learn more from her years, they asked "what was the biggest regret of her life", knowing she would respond well.  they didn’t know her words would be so impactful. “pursue holiness,” she responded. “if i would have known that God wanted me to pursue holiness when i was in my twenties, that would have changed the trajectory of my life, and saved me a lot of heartache.  young people need to learn how to pursue holiness.” ------- is there a more important message for young christians today?  i remember in my thirties, calling in one time for prayer.  the person on the other end of the line commented, "you are just the right age to do beautiful things for God.  you are about the age of Jesus in His ministry." i think this is something young christians particularly need since time, seeming endless, in reality, is not.  it slips away so quickly just as it will one day end.  at least us older folks know how limited it can be. the young folk tend to be more concerned with being cool than being holy.  and this is a problem.  it is a pursuit that christians can seek with effort, without being self-justifying.  the charge to “pursue holiness” may seem daunting or ambiguous.  so here’s a few reminders for young christians on this great pursuit. 1) recognize that the pursuit of holiness is important. God wants you to pursue holiness.  seems obvious, right?  it’s not.  many young christians are not hearing this message.  it needs to be seasoned with grace, of course, but mentioned often in our pulpits, in our books, in our posts.  the first step is recognition. 2) get mentors. to be fair, it’s hard to find mentors.  really hard.  people are busy and have a hard enough time looking out for themselves let alone the soul of another.  but don’t give up.  pray that God will give you mentors, and that he will surround you with older, wiser christians.  3) develop a strong devotional life. i’m always amazed at how many christians i meet who rarely spend time alone with God.  community is vital (more on that in a bit), but the regular rhythm of personal devotions is essential, one that young christians would do well to develop sooner than later. 4) read books on holiness. i don’t say this often, but r.c. sproul’s book, "the holiness of God", changed my life, and is (and will probably remain) one of the best books i’ve ever read.  i had been a Christian for years and knew little about God’s holiness.  5) stay in community. lone rangers are dead rangers.  to pursue holiness, you need the church.  stay in community.  God’s people will help you become more like Christ. 6) remember that holiness is about grace-driven effort. it’s easy to get legalistic when talking about holiness.  but i think too many christians are quick to throw up the legalism flag when checked on this matter, partly to hide immaturity or to defend some idol.  yet, it’s easy to let the pendulum swing too far on either side.  there needs to be a balance.  you will fail often in this pursuit, and that’s okay: because Jesus is for failures and failures only.  but don’t become so holy that you stop trying. 

[mybelladuveen]

I think most characters at least start to forget what happened to them, or memories will at least get hazy and dream like. That process seems to be quicker and more comprehensive for some than others - Chris (or his soul), for example, appears to have been in this world for at least ten years, from 1973 to 1983, completely wiping his memories of his life and death in the 1990s, until the world started collapsing for them.

It even happens to Alex - she is looking at what I think is supposed to be an email, but she can't remember that that's what the message is like - and just says something like 'No, it's gone,' in relation to what the message could be - maybe thinking of Shaz's response that you 'can't get messages on computers.'

Maybe it affected Gene to some extent too?

I can imagine Shaz knowing that a couple of years ago, she was at Hendon on her Police training course, and maybe remembers some names of the people she was there with, but the exact dates are always something she can't put her finger on. After a while she assumes it must have been some time in the late 70s, because that's the only date that makes sense. She might remember a TV programme perhaps, that she saw there, from the 90s, but it's just scattered images, no details, no names.

One question from A2A that I desperately want an answer for.

Hi everyone, I hope you are all staying safe and well. 

This has been bothering me for a few weeks now and if anyone else has any thoughts I’d love to hear them because this is one detail I cannot wrap my head around. (Spoilers under the cut)

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