#she gave Ellie to FEDRA to keep her safe

[thundergrace]

Guess I'm officially the president of the Marlene Defense Squad. Y'all be having defense squads for beloved characters and don't ever even have to block people. Weak. Imma actually have to fight.

[cowgurrrl]

Don't Let This Darkness Fool You

Summary: Joel's journey to sobriety [1.1k]

Author's note: idk how i feel about this

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI, ANGST, TW ADDICTION, misuse of drugs and alcohol, mention of Sarah's death and Ellie's time in FEDRA school, chronic pain, symptoms of withdrawal, Joel trying to make peace with his past, happy ending

The first time Joel goes to a meeting, he sits in the back and says nothing. He watches person after person get up and talk at the front of the room like it's the easiest thing in the world. He doesn't move. He can barely breathe in the musty church rec room as he listens to their stories and finds pieces of himself in each. The survivor left to carry on when everyone else died or left; the bereaved parent; the ruthless dealer shaking down clients to make ends meet; the addict.

Joel never felt the need to examine his relationship with substances. He drank and smoked and made bad decisions as a teenager and into young adulthood, which is partly how he became a single parent at twenty-two. After Sarah was born, he didn't have the time or energy to party anymore. Sure, he had a beer or two here, but never anything close to a bender. He always had to wake up for work and make sure Sarah got to school on time. He would just be setting himself up for failure if he drank heavily.

Then Sarah died, and nothing mattered anymore. The FEDRA doctor gave him a bottle of painkillers for the stitches on the side of his head, and he never thought twice about it. At first, it was manageable. A drink here, some pills there. His kid had just died. He was allowed to grieve however he wanted to, or that was his reasoning, at least, when it became harder to get under control. He would go from being fine to the throes of withdrawal and back to the hazy stupor that rendered him incapable of function. It was a cycle. One that Tess and Tommy hated, but he was always sober when they needed him to be, or he tried to be.

That entire year spent with Ellie, he was more scared of what would happen if he did touch the stuff than if he didn't. His objective was no longer how fast he could get his next fix. It was how fast he could get Ellie fed or somewhere safe. When they finally settled in Jackson, he felt like he could relax without the help of a neat whiskey or a handful of menacing white pills. He was good. He kicked his nasty little habit that followed him for decades and cold turkey at that. He was fine. Until the trauma from the previous twelve months finally caught up with him.

His back was permanently fucked up from falling off the horse in Colorado. He got horrible headaches, which were probably the result of one too many hits to the head and neck. His wrist clicked in pain every time he moved it too fast, and he couldn't sleep. The Jackson doctor cautiously prescribed him anti-anxiety medication and painkillers. And goddammit, if those little pills didn't make him feel the tiniest bit better. He could feel the spiral start again but was too scared to voice it or ask for help.

It wasn't until that night when he stumbled home drunk and a little high after a patrol shift and found Ellie doing homework at the dinner table. He slurred an apology, and she eyed him like a dangerous stranger when he sat across from her. They got into a fight. Joel doesn't remember what it was about, but he remembers going to bed feeling stone-cold sober even though the alcohol was still thrumming through his veins. In the morning, Ellie admitted that she hated when he drank because it reminded her of the FEDRA soldiers loudly coming home from QZ bars. Drunk men with authority and weapons are enough to scare anyone, let alone a little girl. Joel promised her it would never happen again, and he fully intended to keep his promise, but he'd be lying if he said it was easy to quit.

His hands shook in pain for the first few days, and he constantly felt sick. He was sweaty and irritable and uncomfortable. It didn't help that the other patrolmen would ask him to join them for a drink after patrols. He almost folded once. He was almost over the threshold of the Tipsy Bison before he doubled back and ended up at Tommy's door, crumpling in on himself from pain and withdrawal. It was Tommy who mentioned something about the drug addict's anonymous support group. "I'll even come with ya." His brother offered as he rubbed his back like Joel was a fussy infant instead of a grown man.

So, that's how Joel found himself white-knuckling his way through a DAA meeting with Tommy at his side. Tommy assured him that everything said in the meeting was privileged and couldn't leave the church doors. Joel was safe to say anything, and he would receive support. Still, he was so scared. He just sat and watched. It would take two more months of tears, sleepless nights, and fighting temptation before he found the strength to walk down to the front of the room.

"Hi, my name's Joel and… I'm, uh," he stumbled. "I'm an addict." He shared the bits of his story he felt comfortable sharing, but his hands wrung nervously the whole time. He was waiting for the room to turn on him or for the world to end (again), but it didn't. He said the worst things about himself and everything was… fine. "I just… wanna do better for my," he breathed deeply. "For my Ellie." He awkwardly thanked the group and moved to sit back down when the group leader, a kind-looking woman named Shawna, stopped him.

"How long have you been sober, Joel?" She asked softly, and he cleared his throat.

"'Bout four months, ma'am." He said, and she quickly turned to grab something out of her bag. Before he could ask what she was looking for, she pressed a dented circle into his hand and smiled.

"Now, it ain't as pretty as the ones back in the day, but you should be just as proud." She said before encouraging the group to applaud Joel. He felt silly receiving the praise, but when he sat back down, he couldn't ignore how much better he felt.

He didn't look at what Shawna gave him until after the meeting. He thought it was a personal thing he should see only when alone. He waited until his boots were off and he was comfortable on the couch before fishing the wonky thing out of his pocket and looking at it. It was obviously made from scrap pieces of metal, and the engraving was all wrong, but the words "4 months sober" still made him beam with pride. Joel stared at it for a few minutes before walking upstairs to Ellie's empty room and scribbling a note on her desk.

When Ellie gets home from studying with Dina and Jesse, she finds the coin on her desk beside a note in Joel's blocky handwriting. It reads, "Every single one is for you. It's all for you."

[outer-edges]

so one of my many inexplicable fic icks for the last of us is whenever there's a fic that just likely completely ignores everything about the finale and just goes along with a whole “happily ever after in jackson” thing.

i've never really been able to pinpoint a specific reason, but i think its because even if you ignore the fact that it is so insane to just remove the entirety of their experience with the fireflies and make them live happily ever after. they just…won’t…like it’s not going to be happily ever after for them because joel IS NOT ellie’s dad, and that’s not an emotional framework she even has. like dad doesn’t mean anything to her. to her, joel is her best friend. joel is family. joel is hers. she’s his. they belong like all that shit riley talked about with her family. but being a daughter and having a father isn’t something ellie even understands to fit herself into. her only experience with quote unquote “fatherhood” is david, and to him that meant disgusting control exerted over her. i think that entire experience probably gave her an extremely complicated relationship with the concept of father's in and of itself. so, even if she has this father-daughter type relationship with joel, that's not how she's ever going to associate him.

so, to her, joel is just joel. she loves him and cares for him deeply and he’s hers and she’s his, but he’s still just joel. he isn’t dad. he won’t ever be dad.

but to him, ellie isn’t just ellie. ellie is daughter.

daughter and dad is a very different dynamic than just inexplicably connected family. joel is going to exert a certain amount of control over her life, the kind that is perfectly healthy for parents to have, but she’s not going to accept it, and that’s going to cause problems for them. because it’ll be different than when they were on the road. then, everything joel did was to keep her safe. then he ordered her to do things like check her six and stay quiet and go hide while he takes care of business.

in jackson, in regular life, it’s going to be different. it’s going to be things like bedtimes and going to school and curfew and shit that ellie will reject because of her previous experience with it (FEDRA, david, etc). like this cognitive dissonance between them is going to cause problems. even though they care about each other just as much, they aren't really on the same page when it comes to what they are to each other.

that’s what they’re going to work through. those are conflicts they would face even if they do get happily ever after. which, that isn't something really see anyone working through, and the absence of it rubs me the wrong way in ways i can't really explain. i think it's because this cognitive dissonance is something that would cause such a big strain on their relationship. even if everything went perfectly fine with the fireflies, or whatever, they still would have interpersonal conflict. it isn’t just ellie’s nightmares that are solved by platonic cuddling. their monsters are much closer to the heart than that.

she’s not his daughter. and he sure as hell ain’t her dad. but they’re going to figure it out anyway.

[steeb-stn]

In the Hidden Places

Because if I can make healing from complex trauma fluffy you bet I will. Warnings for reference to threatened SA. Also at my AO3 here

Joel's kid doesn't laugh anymore.

He gives her a couple weeks before he starts trying - more than that, really. It was a few days before Ellie would do anything other than follow him like a puppy, eat what he put in her hands, make a beeline for the space under his chin the moment he sat down. Once she woke up a little bit, is when he started counting.

It was better than the almost infant-like state she’d been in ever since he found her, but not by much. She was like a whole different kid. She started answering his questions the first time he asked, but otherwise stayed quiet. Took watch when he asked her to, which he hated himself for, but with his vision now wavering too much to sight his gun, what choice did he have. At night after dinner, she sat quietly by his side until he told her it was time to sleep. She never took out her comic books or joke book. It seemed like the one thing she was really interested in was checking his wound.

She never looked up at the stars.

So Joel gave it a couple weeks before he decided it was enough time. It wasn’t like anything he had been doing was helping. You’d think with all the effort it took him to talk about it, he would have something to show for it. Simple words, a simple sentence: What happened? What did he do to you? And the hardest one of all, the one he couldn’t even think, much less voice. Did he- baby girl, did he hurt you ?

God. The closest he had ever gotten to such a conversation with Sarah was about stranger danger, and later on what to do if a boy ever got too handsy. That hypothetical had been mortifying enough for the both of them.

I was so scared , she sobs into his chest late in the night. The only time he sees his little girl come out of the shell she’s made for herself. I was so so scared Joel.

He starts with the ones he knows - as if he’s ever gonna forget that stupid diarrhea joke. At first nothing, then a flicker - more surprise than anything. A slight uptick in the corner of her mouth, before whatever is going on in her head steals it off her face pretty quickly.

She was trying , he thinks. She’s trying for me.

But recycled puns aren’t working. Looks like he’ll have to go straight to the source. Which is difficult to do on the sly, not surprisingly, because she still has eagle eyes on him at all times. But he thinks he gets away with it, saying he was just looking for bandages in her pack, which leads to a good fifteen minutes of her worrying over the good-for-nothing hole in his gut.

‘Not all construction is interesting, though,’ he says nonchalantly as he picks his way through the snow, her hand a warm pressure in his. He looked through that whole stupid book and found the perfect one. By now she’s used to him rambling about any old thing from his old life - hearing his voice helps her after nightmares. He’s been talking about construction for the last five minutes. She’ll never see it coming. ‘Some of it is boring, but some of it is riveting.’

He continues his march forward, careful not to glance her way, but letting his smirk show. After a few moments with no snort or giggle from his side, he looks over to catch a wrinkle between her eyebrows and a nonplussed look in her eyes.

Shit. Do they not teach them anything in those fucking Fedra schools?

Okay, so maybe not puns. They’re all terrible anyway, she’s the one who made them funny.

‘Why are we stopping?’

He tries to hide how much it pleases him that she’s even asking. A week ago she wouldn’t have. ‘Target practice.’ He holds out the marker and makeshift target, a pillow that he would keep if it wasn’t obviously ridden with fleas. ‘You want to do the honors?’

She looks around like she’s ready to bolt. ‘I-is that safe? Won’t someone hear us? People-’ she pauses, obviously trying to steady her voice. ‘There could be people around.’

Shit. You’re 0 for 2, Joel. Still, he refuses to let her be scared for the rest of her life. ‘We’re in the middle of nowhere, honey. No towns around for miles. And if someone hears us, we’ll take care of them.’ I’m not a fucking cripple anymore. I’ll protect you. ‘Go set up.’

She’s already improved from the last time they did this. He smiles at her, feeling her lean into the hand on her back. ’Target’s not too small now, is it.’

She looks over, suddenly all nervous. ‘I got a deer, you know.’ She busies herself with clearing the chamber and sets up for another shot. ‘Didn’t take it down, though. Fucker just kept right on going.’

Joel watches her, suddenly aware of the thin ice they’re treading on. ‘Did you track it down?’

Her next shot turns Asshole into a cloud of feathers. She never answers.

Joel didn’t think this miserable fucking winter was ever going to end, but what do you know. Patches of grass, mostly mud, pop up among the endless expanses of snow. A couple of days later and the usually silent earth is alive with the sound of trickling water, snow melt rushing over rocks and forming makeshift streams. And also mud. Joel always forgets how terrible spring is in places that actually get a real winter.

His next stroke of inspiration comes mid-flight, as he’s slipping on a mud slick. He could probably keep himself upright, but what an opportunity. He prays he doesn’t fuck up his knees or anything as he lands belly first in the mud, his little shadow letting out a cry before landing on top of him.

It takes him a minute to catch his breath before he can feel Ellie shaking on top of him. He turns over and rolls her off of him just so he can really enjoy it while it lasts, her breathless chuckles, the dimples popping out of her face. He reaches for her hands to help her up, but they both slip back into the muck, splashing it up on their faces. She’s outright cackling now.

There it is.

[boltedfruit]

So you don't think Joel is a bad person for being selfish? Like is choosing person you love more than the world bad?

I don't think he's a bad person. He's a father who feels immense guilt for not being able to keep his daughter safe, then spent the next two decades keeping his brother and Tess safe, two areas he believes (and did) fail at again. He believes he is a bad person. And from the perspective in the game/show, he's justified. But if we followed Kathleen, we'd of course feel sympathy for her despite the terrible things she's done. He's capable of, and used to, inflicting brutality on others to get the job done, and it's been eating at him for years. He's not the patriot his brother is, and he doesn't trust the Fireflies. He doesn't believe the world is worth saving, it's just something to survive. But then Ellie is put into his care and he's forced to face all he's done, something he probably hasn't done since he and his brother split up in any thorough or meaningful way. Ellie brings out the good in him. She becomes his child and that fear he's been trying so hard to bury and not feel for so long is at the forefront. It's a world filled with death, corruption, and greed, and he's been a part of some of it, but not the worst of it (FEDRA, the Fireflies). He's tortured and murdered and raided but he's no David. And in the show I think it's important we see him take over for a woman when she can't dispose of the infected child’s body because he can and will do the hard things because he can, and to spare others (even if he's not even aware he's doing it). He protected that woman the same way he protected Tess by going with her to meet Bill and Frank (because she wanted a contact sure, but she wanted friends too), the same way he protected Sam and Henry despite his hate and distrust for FEDRA collaborators. The show does a fantastic job of expanding what he know about Joel and others’ lives, namely changing Bill and Frank to give them a MUCH happier ending than the game, without compromising what makes each character themselves. Joel believes he's a monster but he believes he can protect Ellie from monsters. That includes keeping from her the fact he essentially robbed the world of a potential cure, what she believes is her only purpose for being alive and having to suffer through losing Riley, surviving David, and having to kill. He's protecting her from the world, and from the truth of himself, while staying with her like she pleaded with him to.

Now the end of the game/show. He and Marlene are very similar. But where Marlene gave him the freedom to leave with his life and leave Ellie behind, I'm sure if he was in her place he would have killed her to ensure the surgery would never be compromised. My one issue with the entire story is that the Fireflies thought (desperation to save the world aside) that a vaccine could be made just like that. You need to prove immunity, which they did. You need to take samples (not just dissect the brain first thing), but phlebotomy and bone marrow samples aren't very cinematic. You need to test on animals, which they of course didn't have readily available, so they would have to test on humans. They would have to prove it works, otherwise why would Marlene feel confident in distributing it to anyone else? ALSO while FEDRA is almost totally nationally hated and mistrusted, for good reason, the Fireflies are largely seen as a terrorist group. Both sides have supporters and dissenters, but with FEDRA’s resources against the incredibly spread thin Marlene’s, who has a habit of being easily and critically injured, and historically makes bad deals and hires essentially mercenaries like Tess and Joel to ferry her priority asset cross country, how would she realistically safely manufacture and distribute enough vaccine to quell the infection? Even if she has a few people in every FEDRA zone armed with a blowdart and a syringe to administer it to random people, I don't see how a majority would accept a believed terrorist organization to come with open arms offering the cure for what destroyed the world. We've already seen it's on sight for known Fireflies. They're executed in public. Those executioners are not going to readily clasp arms with those they execute. Did Ellie need to die to create a vaccine? Maybe. But did she need to die to gain a single sample? No.

Was Joel thinking about any of that when he realized Ellie was going to die any minute? No. He just knew he had to save her, because he loves her and he knows she needs him (likely less than he needs her).

So I believe Joel is selfish, but not an inherently bad person. Using that logic, you could say Ellie is bad for cleaving David into mush and leaving Sam to turn, or that she's selfish for asking Joel to take her to the university instead of Tommy, because she loves and trusts Joel. They are deeply flawed but not evil.

Would Ellie have gone along with Marlene if Marlene was honest about what they were doing and what that meant for Ellie’s life? I think so. Is it bioethically moral to lie to a child about what creating a miracle vaccine meant? No.

And I think it's important they don't ignore the cycle of vengeance and its pitfalls. Someone hurts Kathleen���s people, she hunts them down and destroys them until she is destroyed. Someone hurts Joel’s people, he hurts them. And then you get the second game.

I don't think he's bad, but choices have consequences. I think he's doing what anyone does in a survival situation, you hold onto and protect who you love with everything you have. His world is Ellie.

[respectablesentiment]

Her arm itches, a deep graze stretching from her elbow to her wrist and smarting in a way that makes Ellie examine it closely, as though she may be bitten. She wasn’t though. Riley had saved her and she didn’t save Riley. It was a blur after that. -- prompt: family, day 4 of elliedina week Ellie's mother doesn't die but Ellie still grows up alone. Ellie was never bitten but she still goes on a journey. Alternative Universe where I ignore two specific parts of canon.

(day 1: ache) | (day 2: dawn) | (day 3: trouble)

or you can read it here: 

Warmth

Family is a complicated word until it isn’t.

She’s never known it until she does.

--

Marlene is the one who finds her after Riley.

Ellie is a bundle of raw nerves, cheeks stained with tears and speckled with blood. She doesn’t think she has anything left to give.

It was meant to be a special night and for a blissful moment it was.

And then it wasn’t.

Riley had been bitten. She saved Ellie’s life and Ellie wasn’t able to save hers.

Riley was her best friend, her person, her something. Her someone with one foot out the door who just agreed to stay.

And now it would be Ellie clinging to Marlene, considering pledging to the Fireflies in her place because one more moment in Boston would make her heart hurt too much.

There must be something extra special in the air, perhaps a shared sense of mourning or grief, maybe Marlene had been more attached to Riley or Ellie than she let on, but she shares something new with Ellie. She knows her mother, a Firefly who was stationed in a lab out west. Still alive.

Ellie isn’t sure if its rage or tears building inside of her, too exhausted to form words or find her way through her emotions.

Mothers were meant to protect and hers clearly hadn’t.

Abandonment was hard to rationalise, but it felt very much like her grief was due to her mother and if she’d never known Riley then Riley would’ve never known her. They’d both be fine and Riley would be alive and her chest wouldn’t hurt like this.

The realisation couldn’t have been recent, it didn’t make sense that Marlene hadn’t told her before. She admits to keeping tabs on Ellie but doesn’t specify why she stayed away.

The offer to journey west with Marlene feels like a form of salvation. She had considered returning to the military school but couldn’t go through with it.

Her arm itches, a deep graze stretching from her elbow to her wrist and smarting in a way that makes Ellie examine it closely, as though she may be bitten. She wasn’t though. Riley had saved her and she didn’t save Riley.

She had cycled rapidly through the first four stages of grief without ever touching acceptance, pacing and screaming and crying for hours. Riley sat resigned in a corner, staring at the gun in her lap as sweat began to build on her brow.

She gave Ellie the gun for protection, kissed her one last time and asked her to walk away.

It was a blur after that.

Marlene gets hurt, Ellie gets lumped with two smugglers and the Capitol building is full of dead Fireflies.

Ellie is fairly certain that either Joel or Tess used to a be parent. Potentially both. Potentially together? She isn’t sure. She overhears bits and pieces of hushed conversations, arguments about how far they are taking her and whether its worth finding the Fireflies and her mother.

Ellie isn’t entirely sure to be honest, the road is gruelling but she’s moving somewhere. Forward, onwards. It’s not like she can move back, and its not like she can stay with Joel or Tess. So onwards it is.

Bill’s town is a shit hole, Pittsburgh is a nightmare, and the suburbs outside of Pittsburgh sends her spiralling. Did Riley turn that way? Fall asleep and wake into oblivion? Was Riley still in there?

Her last conversation with Sam loops over and over in her brain, interrupted occasionally by Tess checking in. Asking and caring in a way that Ellie doesn’t deserve.

“Joel doesn’t handle grief well,” Tess says openly.

Ellie’s eyes flick over to watch Joel ahead of them.

“He pushes it down and refuses to speak about it, but you don’t have to do that,” Tess says, squeezing Ellie in a side hug as they walk. “I’m here whenever you need to speak, or whenever you wanna be silent.”

Ellie nods along but keeps it inside.  

Joel shows care differently. He’s gruff and matter of fact and if there’s nothing that needs to be said then he says nothing. It takes Ellie a while to pick up on it because he’s Joel but he always makes sure she eats enough, that she’s between him and Tess, and he makes her put on a jacket when the weather changes.

The first time they meet Tommy is a turning point. They have power and a town and its nothing like the Boston QZ. Or Bill’s town. Or Pittsburgh.

It’s tempting.

Why rush after an unknown entity? A mother in the distance who abandoned her? Who she’d never known? Would their shared blood just make things click? The destination, the conclusion, the end. And what then? Would they get along?

Would Tess and Joel leave?

They wouldn’t stay.

Would Ellie stay?

Ellie’s lost in thought when the attack happens. Tess is immediately on her, making her crouch down under a table as Maria guards the door.

It happens and then it’s over.

They stay one night in Jackson and then they continue.

Ellie tries to call things off. It seems like a safe place to stay, Tommy and Maria said they could come back if the university labs in Eastern Colorado didn’t pan out.

“We’ve come this far, Ellie,” Joel says resolutely.

“You should be with your family, Ellie,” Tess affirms. “It’s rare to have that in this world.”

Ellie clenches her jaw. She’s never known family, never felt it… so how would she know?

“We should at least go to this university.”

And so they do.

It’s another bust.

In a long string of bad luck, nothing changes.

The buildings are deserted, there’s some fucked up infected monkeys, a dead scientist and another location to trek to.

And then there’s FEDRA soldiers.

She’s never been more thankful for Tess in her life.

“There’s three in the building across from us, they’ll head this way soon,” Tess says curtly. “Let’s head two rooms back, wait for them in the hallway. Gunfire will bring more so we’ll hold our positions. Agreed?” Her voice is gruff, almost an imitation of Joel’s and despite the adrenaline rushing through Ellie’s veins, Ellie smiles.

Times moves slowly, the gun is Ellie’s hand is solid and she’s got five bullets which is more than normal so she feels confident.

The soldiers slowly drop.

They wait five minutes at each floor, slowly advancing forward.

Joel bounces his knee as they hide, and Tess divides her time between scanning the entryways and windows and glaring at Joel to ensure he plays by her rules.

They escape relatively unscathed. Joel is bleeding from the temple, his face a mess of red that Tess reassures Ellie is fine. Tess has a bullet graze on her upper arm, a worn grey bandage tied haphazardly over it to stop the blood flow but Ellie thinks it might just make the wound infected. Ellie’s tired, shallow cuts and grazes line her right side from falling onto shattered glass, her head is pounding and she’s over it.

She cries that night. Feeling alone and scared and stupid.

Family is dumb and overrated.

It’s clearly not for her.

Her mother had decided long again.

If her mother didn’t want her then she didn’t want her mother.

She curls into a ball in her sleeping bag, safe elsewhere but feeling unsafe. She presses her fists to her eyes as though it’ll stop her tears and she just shakes, her body wracked with sobs.

A warm hand falls on her back. It’s large and solid and just resting there.

She knows its Joel but can’t bear to look at him.

Tess strokes her hair where it meets the nape of her neck, and Ellie wants to sink into the ground just as much as she doesn’t want them to stop.

She doesn’t speak and neither do they.

--

From where they are in eastern Colorado, Jackson is northwest, and Salt Lake City is west. Its only a few days travel from Salt Lake City to Jackson on horseback. Tess takes the time the following morning to show Ellie on a map.

“If we’re heading back that way anyway, then it’s worth it to check,” Tess tells Ellie, tracing the route they’d take and informing her of their decision more than anything else.

“It’s not worth anything,” Ellie replies, scuffing her shoes on the ground.

“It’s your mum,” Joel says simply.

“Has someone told her that?” Ellie mutters.

Joel and Tess both grimace, sharing a look. Ellie knows family is complicated, she’s been told this and now she’s experiencing it.

“Ellie, she’s your-”

The rage bubbles up inside her before she can stop it. “Everyone I’ve ever loved has either died or left me,” Ellie says with a raised voice, her hands shaking jerkily in front of her. She’s tense and full of energy and she wants to punch something. She can feel tears coming and her throat is dry and it’s too much.

“Ellie-”

“So why should I run after someone who’s already left me?” Ellie yells. “Why should it be this hard? Why do we have to risk this much? Why do you have to risk anything at all?”

They say nothing. Ellie can see pity in their eyes, and before she can stop herself, she punches a tree.

It doesn’t make her feel better.

Joel bandages her hand, three of her knuckles split. He’s gentler than she’s ever seen him and it makes her feel small for some reason.

“Kiddo, we don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Joel says in a low tone. “You can- You can choose, it should be your choice.”

“It can’t be for nothing,” Ellie says bitterly, emotions swirling inside of her.

“If it doesn’t work,” Tess says, patting Ellie’s knee. “Then you don’t have to stay.”

“Where else can I go?” Ellie asks, squeezing her eyes shut, cheeks burning with embarrassment.

“There’s always Jackson,” Tess offers.

“But- I-”

“With us,” Joel says awkwardly. “If- if you wanted.”

Ellie’s throat is tight.

“I could teach you how to play guitar,” he offers. “I reckon you’d like that.”

“Maybe,” Ellie says softly.

And they continue on.

The journey from Colorado to Salt Lake City isn’t an easy one. Nothing was ever easy.

The weather gets colder which makes it harder to navigate, harder to find food, and harder to sleep.

She feels more as they get closer. More scared, more nervous, more anxious.

Just more.

She struggles to make sense of it, not sure what she’s looking for or what they’ll find. What she’s already found.

They’re on form. Heading through a bus depot, exiting the last highway and clearing through an underground tunnel.

They’re almost there and then there’s rushing water and straining lungs and darkness.

--

Ellie wakes in a hospital with a stranger beside her bed.

The woman’s eyes are green, her expression is soft, and she tuts over Ellie sitting up too early.

“Easy, easy,” the strangers says, hands reaching out to help Ellie sits up.

Ellie’s body freezes, jerking away from her. “Where are Joel and Tess?”

“I asked them to give us some time alone,” the woman says. “I’m your- I’m Anna.”

Ellie takes her in with wide eyes, waking into an anticipated moment was hard to process. “Can- where’s- I don’t-”

Anna hushes her and draws Ellie into a tight hug that she doesn’t relax into.

Meeting Anna doesn’t make things easier for Ellie.

There’s a sense of warmth there, honey in Anna’s voice, a soft touch and an excited expression.

Anna rushes through excuses, building a narrative of a complicated birth, a missing father and a sense of duty to the Firefly cause. She didn’t want Ellie to come out here, she was safer in a QZ until her mother had figured out the cure she’d devoted her life to. Her words are sure and well-spoken, she pauses in places like she anticipates Ellie reassuring her, and then she continues painting her picture of abandoning Ellie for noble reasons.

Ellie nods along.

It ticks so many boxes, but something is off and Ellie cannot place it. There’s a hardness behind Anna’s eyes, something she’s sometimes seen in her own, and it feels off.

“Do you have any questions, my love?” Anna asks, tone saccharine.

“Where’s- where’s Joel and Tess?” Ellie asks awkwardly.

Anna’s smile turns a little bitter at her words but she takes Ellie to them nonetheless.

“We’ve got it from here,” Marlene says, her voice is muffled but Ellie picks up the words as they approach. “You can take the guns as agreed.”

“We’re not leaving without checking on her,” Tess’s voice says firmly.

Anna’s steps turn heavy, as though to announce her approach.

Marlene changes the conversation quickly as they enter.

“Ellie!”

Ellie throws herself at Tess, initiating a hug for the first time in their long journey. She clings to her, relaxing in the safety of her arms.

“It’s good to see you up, kiddo,” Joel says, a protective hand on Ellie’s shoulder.

She hugs him as well, relieved to be reunited and to see Joel in one piece after the tunnels.

“You’re welcome to stay for a couple of days,” Marlene says curtly.

It’s clear she doesn’t mean it.

Joel and Tess stay anyway.

--

Anna is involved in testing to find a ‘cure’ for the infection. She works with some doctor. Talks about how she used to be a nurse and had diversified her skills over the last 14 years in immunology, pathology and mycology.

Anna seems to want to share everything, tell Ellie everything and nothing, unable to sit in the silence that Ellie offers.

Ellie doesn’t particularly care, too focused on the way that the Fireflies hover over Joel and Tess like they aren’t allowed to go to certain parts of their hospital or their base. The way that whispers cease when she turns a corner, the blood splatter on doctor’s coats, and the weird feeling that Infected are nearby.

It feels off.

There’s something out of place.

It doesn’t take long to click.

Or at least, it doesn’t take Ellie long to venture where she’s not allowed to go. She uses every trick Joel and Tess taught her about being stealthy, sneaking passed Fireflies to reach the upper floors of the hospital in the middle of the night.

There’s Infected in cages. Dozens of them.

She supposes it makes sense if you’re studying immunology to find a vaccine.

Cages are marked with numbers and dates.

#259, vaccine 23, injected: 20/04/34, infected: 21/04/34, turned: 22/04/34

#260, vaccine 23, injected: 20/04/34, infected: 21/04/34, turned: 23/04/34

Her eyes linger on the dates, only days prior, comparing those around her.

Someone passes the room she’s in, footsteps audible between the groaning of the Infected and Ellie is terrified.

She hides under a desk, flashlight off, in the total darkness of a room filled with nightmares.

Once she’s certain they are gone, she gets up, hands shaky as she searches through paperwork.

It confirms what she thinks.

She drops the notebook in shock, the sound alerting several of the runners. Within seconds they are snarling, baring their teeth, and pounding on the doors of their cages.

They’re locked away and yet she’s never been more terrified, stuck in place and trembling.

She hears guards shouting, footsteps rushing closer.

The room is flooded with light when they arrive, and Ellie finally moves. She rushes forward, ducking passed them in the doorway.

She runs and she doesn’t stop.

They don’t shoot and they don’t chase her.

--

She finds comfort when she finds Joel and Tess. Too overwhelmed and too worked up to be able to explain what she saw and what she now knows.

Her mother is experimenting on humans to find a cure.

Injecting them with a trial vaccine, infecting them with the virus, studying them as they turn, and then dissecting them.  

Hundreds.

#260.

The knock at the door that goes ignored so Marlene and Anna enter anyway.

Joel stands in front of them, partially shielding Ellie and Tess from view.

“What can I help you with?” Joel asks, crossing his arms. His tone is serious and its impossible to tell that Ellie has shared nothing with him.

“I just wanted to explain what Ellie saw,” Anna says, holding her hands up. “Sometimes sacrifice is needed for the greater good, I’m sure you understand that.”

Tess stiffens against Ellie, holding her tighter. “Are you okay?” She whispers in Ellie’s ear.

Ellie nods but she’s uncertain, she pulls away to watch, eyes studying Anna.

“In order to create a vaccine,” Anna continues. “There’s a need for trials. There are- we’ve had-” She falters, clenching her hands into fists by her sides. “Immunology is complex and working tirelessly in order to create a vaccine for animals which do not ordinarily get Infected does not necessarily help to create a vaccine for animals that do.”

Ellie narrows her eyes. “So you test on humans instead?” She offers plainly. “You make up a vaccine, you give it to someone and you infect them and you just take notes as they suffer.”

Anna’s nostrils flare.  

“We’re learning a lot,” Marlene says. “We don’t like it either but it needs to be done.”

“Two hundred and sixty times?” Ellie asks.

Tess swears.

“Where are you finding two hundred and sixty people to experiment on?” Joel says threateningly.

“We have to think about the future,” Anna says coldly.

“You’re monsters,” Ellie snarls.

Anna’s jaw tightens, she shakes her head as though she’s deciding the argument isn’t worth it and she walks away.

“They’re not good people, Joel,” Marlene says, rubbing her eyes. “Most of them are hunters and- and think of how many people we could save if we get this right.”

“We’re leaving in the morning,” Joel tells her. “Please go.”

And Marlene does.

Ellie sits stiffly on the bed, fidgeting with her hands as Joel and Tess talk circles around her.

“Human testing?”

“Hundreds of people.”

“What if they never find a vaccine? How many more will they go through?”

“I always knew the Fireflies were misguided but fuck.”

She zones out, disassociating more than anything else as she thinks about Riley and Sam, about hundreds of Rileys and Sams, about being cold and feverish and knowing what’s coming and not knowing how it would come.

She must fall asleep at some point because she wakes up to Tess stroking her hair and smiling sadly.

Joel and Tess have packed and they’re ready to leave.

It takes Ellie several sluggish moments, heartbroken and half asleep, to register than they mean to take her too.

“Really?” Ellie asks.

“Of course,” Tess says, like its nothing.

“We’re family,” Joel says, like its everything.

--

Ellie leaves with them.

Anna doesn’t really say goodbye and neither does Ellie.

It had felt like Anna was trying to build something between them, but she was really pretending something was already there. But there was nothing. No spark, no connection, no meaning. The journey had been worthless.

Ellie shouldn’t have run after someone who already left her.

Family was both complicated and simple.

Out of reach and sneaking up on her.

Her mother was nothing and no one, and the smugglers were now something and someone.

--

“It’s kinda pretty, ain’t it?” Joel says, gesturing to the snow-capped mountains surrounding them.

“Yeah, it’s gorgeous in Spring, Texas,” Tess grins, helping Ellie over a fence. “This whole area is covered in wildflowers.”

They’re on the outskirts of Jackson, almost back to where they were months previously. Months of danger and sleeplessness and darkness.

Risks and close calls.

For nothing.

“Sarah and I used to take hikes like this all the time,” Joel says easily. “I reckon the two of you would’ve been friends.”

Ellie nods along, thoughts elsewhere.

“Just a little bit further now,” Tess says eagerly, giving Ellie a boost onto a higher bit of ground.

Joel lends a hand to stabilise her and then pulls up Tess.

“Hey, wait,” Ellie says, looking out toward Jackson and then down at her hands. She sighs as she tries to find her words. “I’ve been meaning to tell you but, back in Boston… before I left, I was- I was somewhere I shouldn’t be with my friend. My best friend. She got bit and we didn’t know what to do so we tried to wait it out and she made me leave before she turned.”

“I’m sorry, Ellie,” Tess says quietly. “I know how hard that can be.”

“Do you think they-” Ellie rubs the back of her neck. “Do you think they’re still inside? Like they’re stuck?”

“No. No, Ellie I don’t,” Tess says. “I think they’ve moved on. They’re at peace.”

Joel is silent and awkward, but his eyes are kind.

“I’m sorry we went all that way for nothing, I-” Ellie falters, biting her lip. “You both risked so much and I don’t think I could have handled someone else dying or- or turning because of me.”

“Your friend’s death wasn’t your fault,” Tess says.

“I feel like it should have been me and not her,” Ellie admits.

“Ellie, I’ve struggled a long time with surviving,” Joel says. “But no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for.”

Ellie fidgets with her fingers, scratching at her arm. “I just-” She huffs. “I just feel like we fought through all of that for nothing. We came all this way and for what?”

“For you,” Joel says plainly.

Ellie tears up, nodding and sniffing and doing her best to keep it together.

Family is a complicated word until it isn’t, she’s never known it until she does, and she feels it constantly in Jackson.

In their meals together, in learning how to play guitar, in movie nights, in sharing books, learning how to swim, and to grow and move forward.

She tells them she loves them on her sixteenth birthday in an abandoned museum.

She tells Tess and Joel she likes girls the day that she decks someone for taunting her about Cat.

She goes hiking with Joel when she and Cat inevitably break up, finding peace in the open air.

She cries on Tess’s shoulder when Dina and Jesse get back together for the third time. A mess of complicated feelings loud in her chest.

Joel helps her practice playing her song for the end of harvest bonfire and Tess helps her pick out a shirt to wear to the town’s winter dance.

“I’m just a girl, not a threat,” Ellie says softly.

“Oh, Ellie, I think they should be terrified of you,” Dina murmurs. Her eyes are bright, she feels warm and perfect in Ellie’s arms, and she steals Ellie’s breath long before she kisses her.

She distantly hears someone calling out, too lost in the tenderness of the moment to register it properly.  

“God, I-” Ellie laughs at herself and her breathlessness, eyes lingering on Dina’s affectionate smile before she kisses Dina again.

Once. Twice. Soundly and enthusiastically.

When she pulls back the second time, she notices Joel and Tess having words with Seth. They look angry and Maria seems to have put herself in the middle, mediating and ushering Seth outside.

Dina’s hand on her cheek makes her refocus.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” Dina whispers playfully.

Ellie’s cheeks flush pink, smiling in disbelief, her fingers flexing on Dina’s lower back. “Me too,” Ellie admits shyly.

Dina leans her forehead against Ellie’s again, swaying them together slowly under the twinkling lights.

[unprofessional-bard]

Chapter 2 - A New Jerusalem

Losing My Religion Series Masterlist

Unprofessional Bard's Masterlist

Previous Chapter • Next Chapter

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female!Reader/OC

Warnings: PTSD/panic attacks + some suicidal thoughts... angst basically.

Summary: The company finally reach Jackson. Greetings are exchanged between old and new friends, but the reader's hurt after an attack on the plant.

Word Count: 4.917

Author's Note: Now although I haven't been diagnosed either with PTSD or depression, I do have anxiety and had my fair share of panic/anxiety attacks. I can relate or empathise with the people who do have PTSD/depression to some level and I can assure you all I do tons of research about each mental illness I'll be mentioning in these series. I've put mighty effort in this chapter and the following to make it as accurate as possible. My last desire is to upset someone, please forgive me if I do for it isn't intentional... but thank you all so much for reading! 🥺

Enjoy!

Over a month on the road with a smuggler, who's supposedly your, a FEDRA major general's, enemy and a little girl who turned out to be your second chance at life; you really couldn't help but grow fond of them. Them who offered you protection and their own water. How can you not be grateful for them? Even though a second chance at life wasn't exactly your preferred way out of this apocalypse... But everything happens for a reason, you supposed and sighed in relief once you saw a sign written Jackson County on it. It was when Ellie had asked about what happened between Joel and Tommy that Joel revealed the story, but you were too busy stressing out to listen as you all approached a stream. Your heart started beating faster the closer you got to a hydroelectric power plant, which you had to cross, apparently.

"You okay? You've been awfully quiet," Joel asked, suddenly stopping in front of you.

"Yeah," you gulped, palms clammy. Were you sweating? "I'm- it's okay. I'm fine."

Joel gave you a suspicious look, but didn't say anything and moved to try and turn the wheel to make up a bridge from the metal pieces attached to the power plant.

"Well, that gets us halfway." Ellie observed. "If we get the other one up, we'll make it across."

"Isn't there another way?" You sighed, face pale, fidgeting. "There's got to be another way."

The pair gave you an odd look and Joel spoke: "Well, there seems to be no other way but to cross the river."

"Maybe- maybe there's something that will stop the water from flowing? I'll- check over there." You pointed at a control room behind you and walked over there. When the door didn't open, you kicked it open with such force, Ellie and Joel were left more confused than ever. The place had no lights, which meant there was no power surging through the devices in there, but you began pushing every button in there nevertheless.

"Fuck!" You growled and hit the button table with trembling hands in frustration. You felt hot in your jacket all of a sudden, then noticed Joel getting into the water. You froze then and there, realizing you really didn't have another option but to cross the bridge. Your eyes watered at the realization, but you forced yourself to keep calm like you did countless other times. You were the legendary Alpha One leader, after all. A devoted, disciplined, brave leader. Being afraid or weak was something you could've never been able to afford.

You nodded to yourself, ran your fingers through your hair and walked out, only to find Joel carrying Ellie to the other side on a pallet.

"Go on, give it a spin," Joel said once she jumped off the pallet and reached the other wheel. "So good of you to join us."

You remained quiet at his remark as he got out of the water and watched Ellie complete the bridge. He jumped over to your side and began walking to the other side.

"Hey, be careful crossing that thing!" Ellie called out as you both crossed the makeshift bridge.

"We will," Joel replied as he effortlessly walked halfway through, while your legs began shaking. You tried to keep your composure and walk across as normally as he did, but your legs felt like they were about to give in any moment. Keep it together, you thought to yourself, but it was no use.

"Joel," your hands instinctively reached out to him when you stepped on a particularly wet spot, but he was already across, high-fiving Ellie. Maybe it would've been better if you had told them what happened to Felicity and the results of it on you.

"What?" Joel turned around just before stepping off the piece of metal.

"I- I can't cross this-" you spoke while lowering yourself down to grab the edges, running out of breath.

"What do you mean you can't cross it?" Joel spoke, irritated but confused. "C'mon, you're hafway though already."

"No, no I can't," your voice cracked as the sound of the current started getting louder, your heart beating faster. The images of Felicity's body being thrown into water started to appear on your mind.

"Joel, I think she's scared," Ellie said, worried.

"Alright, I'm gonna come grab you," Joel called for you, his irritation slowly turning into anxiety.

"Okay, okay," you spoke between deep breaths, tears filling your eyes and hanging on for dear life. You shut your eyes tightly as you waited for him. It didn't even take 5 seconds for Joel to walk over to you and hold your shoulder: "I'm here, I got you, let's go."

"Uhh," you forcefully moved your feet toward his direction. "Oh god..."

"C'mon, I'm right here, you can get up." Joel encouraged you while holding your hand and it actually encouraged you for a solid second, so you complied, but you got up too fast and it immediately got you feeling dizzy.

"Oh no, oh- woah!" You shouted when you lost your footing and slipped.

"(Y/N)!" Ellie shrieked the same time Joel yelled, but before your upper body could completely sink into the water, Joel caught you by the arm, his chest hitting the metal with a hard thud.

"Fuck! Joel- get me out!" You cried and clawed at the poor man's arm, feeling the water splash around your neck and soak your hair.

"Calm down! I got you, give me your other hand!" Joel yelled as he tried to get a hold of you. It was the first time he was seeing pure terror in your eyes, the first time he saw you being afraid of something so badly.

You sobbed as he grabbed your other hand and pulled you up, Ellie running to help you out. The both of them pulled you out and Joel quickly dragged you across and kneeled beside you, laying you on the ground.

"(Y/N), it's okay, you're safe- (Y/N)-" Joel held your face in his hands as you continued sobbing, reminding him of Sa-

"(Y/N)!"

You covered your mouth with the back of your hand, then bit the side of it, forcing yourself to calm down as you choked back your sobs. Joel and Ellie could do nothing but stare as your body slowly stopped shaking.

You pushed yourself off the ground, trembling lightly and sniffing quietly. Your embarrassment was keeping you from turning around to face them, but Joel's soft voice reached your ears from behind you: "You okay?"

"Yeah," you sniffed. "Yeah, I'm- uh, sorry about that... Let's keep moving."

"You sure? You should rest awhile," Joel reached out to grab your shoulder once more, but you turned around before he could.

"I'll rest when we get there," you said, eyes red, voice cracking a bit and throat hurting. "There's only a few miles left, you said? I'll be fine, let's go."

Joel nodded and told Ellie to move, while he stayed back with you. You stared at the side of your hand which now had deep, purple teeth marks on it, too afraid to look at Joel while he spoke quietly: "Why didn't you tell me you were afraid of the water?"

"I'm not afraid of the water, I..." you groaned, tears still rolling down your face. "It's about... Felicity."

Joel stared for a moment, then nodded with a soft expression on his face. He could tell this was no phobia the moment you mentioned her name.

You all walked, climbed some rocks and went under a tree for a while more as Ellie dreamt about coming across a squirrel and eating it. Poor girl was so hungry, and so were you and Joel but she was just a child.

Your blood ran cold when you came across an old FEDRA territory: "Ain't no way around, we're gonna have to cut through the plant," Joel said and gave you a look. "You think it's empty?"

"I've never heard of this base in the past four years or so- It's gotta be, but we have to be careful." You shook your head.

You and Joel tried to open the doors, but they were... locked. Just as you were about to turn around, a woman appeared to your right on the patrol walls. A chill went up your spine.

"Don't even think about reaching for your weapons-" She spoke, but you grabbed your rifle and Ellie had her little pistol already pointing at the woman. "Tell her to drop her gun, now."

"Ellie, do as the lady says," Joel backed away from the door, all of you raising your hands up reluctantly.

"Please tell me you're lost," the blonde woman sighed.

"We didn't know this place was occupied, we're just trying to make our way through." Joel.

"Through to where?"

Your heart began racing again, at the thought of someone recognizing you. You were 98% sure this place was deserted a few years ago, how-

"They're alright." A familiar voice reached your ears from the left, interrupting your thoughts.

"What, you know these people?" The woman asked in confusion.

"I know him," he spoke and the door opened, to reveal Tommy with a rifle in hand. "He's my goddamn brother."

"Tommy?" Joel was stunned at the sight of him and so were you.

"Holy shit," Tommy said before going in for a hug. It was the first time you'd seen Joel look relaxed and genuinely happy.

"How you doin' baby brother?"

"Goddamn... Let me look at you." Tommy gave his brother a once over, commenting on how fuckin' old he'd gotten, the blonde woman appearing from behind the door as well.

"Shit... (Y/N)? What the hell are you doin' with him?" Tommy's smile grew wide and you extended your hand over to him, which he used to grab and pull you into a brief hug with.

"Good to see you too, Tommy," you smiled. "You gotta take these FEDRA signs down man, gives the feller a heart attack."

"That's exactly the point," Tommy chuckled, then gave a look at the blonde lady. "This is Maria," he looked at you and Joel: "Be nice to her, she sorta runs things around here."

"Ma'am," Joel nodded. "Thanks for not blowing my head off."

"Would've been embarrassing," Maria said. "Considering you're my brother-in-law."

Joel looked at the couple, dumbfounded while you looked between the three of them. When the hell did he got married?!

"We all gotta get wrangled up at some point." Tommy smiled at the both of you like a fool in love. You chuckled and shook your head, remembering the times he used to be a Firefly. Maria and Ellie exchanged a quick conversation before Tommy finally made a move to bring you all inside.

There were literally no words whatsoever to describe how relieved you were. Finally, fucking finally, you had reached your safe haven. Ellie was right, although it needed some work this place was indeed like a small village protected by armed men and a huge FEDRA sign. The walls were long and they looked impenetrable. The moment you heard the door close from behind you, you almost collapsed onto the floor; legs turning into jello and relief washing over you, even though you heard Maria say something about bandits and raids.

At least they weren't Hunters.

You mostly stayed quiet as Joel and Tommy caught up, Ellie petted and admired some horses while a lady and Maria talked to Ellie about them. You just watched and tried to enjoy the moment of peace, locking eyes with Joel for a brief moment before Tommy motioned all of you to follow him for the rest of the tour.

"Really though, how did you end up with Joel, (Y/N)?" Tommy asked right before you walked through a door. You could tell he had a lot of questions, but they had to wait for awhile as you didn't really have the energy to answer them.

"It's uh- a long story." You pursed your lips and stared at him with a pitiful look on your face, only for Maria's walkie to interrupt your exchange. Tommy decided to take up her place when she said she'd rather eat with Ellie and you.

"I'll come with you," Joel said. "You two go with Maria and put some food in yourselves."

"Joel?" Ellie objected with a slightly uncomfortable look on her face.

"C'mon Ellie, let's give the boys some space." Maria smiled at her.

"It's alright Ellie, let's go eat." You rubbed her back and began tailing Maria.

"So," Maria sighed with some energy on her, you wish you had the same. "Before I make any assumptions, would you like to tell me where you're headed or why are you all travelling together?"

Ellie and you looked at each other for a short moment as Maria led you through some rooms: "Uh, actually we were travelling separately, they kinda stumbled across me as I was... dying."

Maria turned around to give you a surprised look, making you shrug and smile awkwardly: "I told you it was a long story."

You began telling her about where your roads crossed, without getting into details, as she got all of you... steaks?

Goddamn, you thought.

"We thought you'd be in the city just as we came across the doors," you spoke after finishing your tale. Maria ate normally, while you barely touched your food. Ellie, on the other hand, almost choked on hers because she was eating too fast.

"Slow down, Ells, the food ain't going anywhere," You handed a(n actual) napkin to her as she struggled to breathe.

"So Ellie isn't your and Joel's daughter," Maria smirked. "What a shame, we had just the perfect place for a family of three."

Your cheeks got dusted with pink as you stared at Maria, mouth slightly agape: "No- Although if you have another perfect place for an adult, that'd be great."

"How do you mean?"

"I escaped FEDRA," You spoke uncomfortably. "My team, they... they all died and, I don't wanna go back. I never wanted to be a part of it to begin with, that's why I was scared when you first showed up. I thought it was an ambush."

Maria nodded sympathetically as you continued: "When Ellie told me of this place, she told me I'd be safe here..."

"Oh," Maria sighed. "Of course, yeah... I see that you and Tommy know each other from way back and that he trusts you?"

"Yeah," you tensed. What if she was the jealous type and wasn't going to let you in because of your 'history' with Tommy? "I used to help him and a few other Fireflies out when they couldn't get around FEDRA. I thought they served a good cause but... It was just a few favours and exchanges here and there."

"I see. He never told me about you, I was surprised when he acted the way he did when he saw you." Oh shit.

"I'm not surprised he didn't mention me," you tensed, visibly, shifting uncomfortablly. "We were just good acquaintances but I guess he was too ecstatic to find out his brother and old acquaintance was alive?"

"Relax," Maria laughed. "I'm just messing with you. Of course he told me about you and the way you watched out for him back in the day."

You really wanted to jump off a window when she confessed and giggled. Give me a break...

"You're cruel," you forced a small smile. You and Tommy really were just good acquaintances, nothing more. You really weren't sure why he hugged you all of a sudden.

"She's really tired, go easy on her," Ellie spoke, mouth full.

"I can tell, you look drained." Maria commented on your appearance worriedly. "Come on now, eat up."

"I'm not hungry," you said. After what happened only some minutes ago, your stomach wasn't in the mood for any food; yes, even though it was a delicious looking steak.

"I'm sure you are," Maria smiled sincerely. "You eat this, then take a bath afterwards and rest as long as you need."

"A bath?" Your voice trembled. "If you tell me you have shampoo or something, I'll kiss you."

Maria giggled: "Unfortunately we don't have shampoos, but we do have hot water and some soaps."

Your eyes widened further more as a hand ran through your hair: "I'm not gonna kiss you, I think I'll just pass out instead. God bless."

You had both of them laughing at your comment, which also made you smile.

"Maria," a voice suddenly echoed through the walkie. "We got the electricity back on!"

"Oh that's great news," Maria sighed into the walkie, relieved.

This place didn't feel real. They had a whole village with protection, electricity, actual food and hot baths with soaps? You just might faint on the spot. Instead, you nibbled at your food. Although you still weren't too hungry, you forced down a few bites to keep yourself going.

Minutes passed as Maria and Ellie chatted this time, peaceful minutes they were, but of course it had to come to an end when alarms went off.

"What's going on?" Ellie panicked.

"Bandits," Maria dropped her smile and got off the table. You and Ellie quickly grabbed your guns and got up as well.

"Stay behind here, I'll cover the door," You said, battle instincts kicking in immediately. They did as you asked and watched as you made your way over to the door, hearing Tommy through the walkie for a brief moment before the door flew open. You immediately fired at the unfamiliar face and heard Maria tell Ellie to hide. You hid behind the door as another man came in, quickly putting a bullet through his head and waiting for a moment to see if more men would come.

"(Y/N)?" You heard Ellie whisper. You began sprinting over to them when another bandit came from behind you. He swung a machete at you with a roar, which you barely dodged as it sliced through your waist a little, making you cry out angrily. You immediately rolled away from the man and shot a straight line of bullets from his chest to his forehead before he could approach you, grabbing the machete from him as he fell.

"Are you alright?!" Maria cried, worried, as you examined your wound.

"Yeah, just stay down!" You replied and threw yourself on the ground when a bullet whizzed only inches away from your ear. You took cover behind a crate and listened to the movements of the men: There were three in the room currently, one near your location, one who just got in the room and one headed over to where Maria and Ellie were.

Alright, you took a deep breath, let's do this.

You jumped over the crate from the left side, opposite to where you got into cover from, having the upper hand with the element of surprise, slicing the bandit's throat with the machete. The guy at the entrance shot at you but the shots were poorly aimed, which gave you time to take down the man as he reloaded. Another gunshot rang through the air from behind you, making you run over to where Ellie and Maria where, only to find a dead bandit on the ground.

"We gotta run!" Maria grabbed Ellie's hand and got up, running for a door on the right side of the room. After making sure the other side was clear, you grabbed the machete before leading the girls through the door to a room which was already occupied by four bandits.

You managed to take two down before ducking and taking cover behind a desk which Maria kicked down in the meanwhile. You reflexively held your wounded side, looked at the blood, then huffed angrily. It got too quiet as you did, which made you look up, only to see another man running toward you with a baseball bat with spikes on it.

You quickly backed off as he swung it at you, which you avoided and immediately took advantage off; your own machete was embedded into his skull before he could raise his bat once more, blood splattering on your face.

While you were struggling to get your blade out of the bandit's head, the other man advanced at you with a cry. You grabbed your machete with both hands and pushed the body off with your foot, the corpse falling almost on top of the other bandit which gave you a moment to recollect yourself and attack. The guy dodged you and you dodged him, machetes clanging against each other.

"(Y/N), duck!" You heard Ellie yell and when you did, a shot rang out from Ellie's pistol and the man hit the floor with a painful yelp. Before you could get off the ground however, a much bigger man with a shotgun came through and fired at you.

"Agh, fuck!" You groaned when you rolled out of his view and onto your wounded side, accidentally dropping your rifle on the floor, out of breath.

"Watch out!" Ellie yelled when the man discovered you behind your cover. Just my luck, you smirked when the man realised he had no ammo left. You immediately jumped up and swung your machete at him, but to your surprise he blocked your attack and grabbed your wrist. He twisted your arm and made you cry out, so you kicked him which made him double over. You tried to kick him a second time, but he quickly regained his composure and went for your waist, hugging it and driving you straight into the wall behind you.

"Oof!" You yelped and coughed, striking him with your elbows. He didn't seem to be affected by your advances as he went to choke you. You couldn't block him in time, causing you to fall on the ground with a painful grunt. Your choking noises must've alerted Ellie, for she went out of cover to shoot at the guy, only to find her pistol to be empty. She began reloading but you were running out of time, so you reached out for the machete laying just across you, then stuck it into the side of his neck when you got a hold of it; blood decorating your face furthermore.

"Oh shit, (Y/N)!" Ellie ran over to you as you fought for air, coughing your lungs out. You pushed the man off you and let Ellie hold your hand as you tried to breathe. "You're okay- I think that was the last of them."

Maria came out of the cover after making sure it was safe, rushing to your side.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," you calmed down, blinking away your tears as you rubbed your neck. That was too close, you thought and got up with Maria and Ellie's help slowly.

"You okay?" Tommy and Joel entered the room all of a sudden, Maria rushing to her husband.

"Yeah- yeah I'm fine." She nodded as Tommy held her. Your breathing was still off track as Joel rushed to Ellie's side.

"Joel! Oh man," Ellie spoke. "They were coming in from every direction-"

"Okay," Joel tried to speak but there was no stopping Ellie: "And then Maria was like We gotta run! So (Y/N) led us here and-"

"Listen-"

"We dove over these tables while (Y/N) took out these guys and this huge guy blasts in with a shotgun!"

"Slow down, slow down-"

"And he attacks her but she swings a machete into his neck-"

"Hey- hey! Are you hurt?" Joel asked, finally getting a hold of Ellie.

"No," Ellie gulped as she gave herself a once over, while Tommy and Maria watched the exchange. "But (Y/N) is!"

Joel turned around to see you leaning onto a table, pressing on your wound with a red face and hand prints around your neck, then walked over to you.

"How bad are you hurt?" Joel removed your hand from your waist and gently held your shoulder.

"Not too bad," You said, breathing slowly getting back on track. "Just need to catch my breath."

Maria and the others brought you to a small nursery and they all waited outside except Ellie. She stayed with you as a lady named Katherine cleaned your wound and applied stitches and bandages on it. While you laid down, you heard Maria yell at Tommy, which made Ellie curious and leave your side. After she was done, you thanked Katherine and went outside only to see an upset Ellie going back in your direction.

"Hey, what's going on?" You stood across her.

"Don't get me wrong (Y/N), I wanna be alone right now."

"Okay, kiddo," You nodded, confused. "I'm here if you wanna talk."

"I know."

You walked over to where Joel was after Ellie went some other direction: "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine- what's going on?"

"You seen Ellie?"

"Yeah and, well, she's pissed," you sighed and watched Maria walk over to both of you.

"Here we go..." Joel muttered before getting up to confront Maria.

"You," She was breathing fire. "If anything- anything at all happens to him, it's on you."

You watched her leave, what the hell was going on? The brothers stood in silence for a moment before Tommy spoke: "She's thankful you know."

"Yeah, I know..." Joel sighed. Tommy gave you a look and you took it as your cue to leave, so you got up and started walking away while they chatted quietly. Just as you were out of hearing range, you heard Tommy call for Joel.

"What is it?" You heard Joel ask when you turned around.

"That girl of yours, she took one of our horses and ran off."

You felt as though boiling water was poured on you from head to toe. Shit.

"Damn it," you heard Joel say as he approached you. "Why the hell did you let her go?"

"I didn't do anything," You said. "She said she wanted to be alone, so I let her."

"You let her be alone outside in the woods?" He growled when he got face to face with you.

"I don't like your tone," you hissed at his false accusation, to which he looked at you as if he was saying the audacity. "I didn't let her do nothin', she said she wanted to be alone- how the hell was I supposed to know she was gonna run off?!"

"Can't keep an eye on a kid..." Joel muttered then walked away, you following him.

"She's neither my child nor my responsibility to take across country and you blame me because she ran off? Please."

"Then why are you acting like her mother all the time?"

"Joel, enough. Let's go." Tommy interrupted when they reached the stables. "Not you, (Y/N). Riding will ruin your stitches."

You opened your mouth to disagree but Tommy insisted: "Please just stay. We got this, it's okay."

"Okay... Be careful." You said with a worried look and Tommy nodded in return, Joel already on the move without sparing you another look.

They rode off - all you could do was watch as they disappeared into the woods.

"They'll be fine, ma'am." The guy at the stables smiled. "Tommy and your man can take real good care of themselves-"

"He's not my man." You growled.

"Oh, well, they'll bring your daughter back-"

"She's not my daughter!" You sighed, exasperated. "Just- tell me where Maria is, please?"

He took you to her and you two sat for a while, complaining about the brothers, eventually laughing about it and making Maria say:

"I just, I really love him... if anything happened to him-"

"I know," you smiled softly. "It's not really my lifestyle, but I know what you mean."

"What do you mean not your style?"

"Love never did it for me. I, well, you could say I forgot what it feels like. I never had the time..."

"Oh I see. Well, you're here now," Maria smiled back, then smirked: "Maybe you'll find someone here, if Joel is too much for you to handle."

Your smile dropped: "Maria, I told you, I'm not interested in that jerk and vice versa... Plus, I can handle him just fine!"

You both giggled again and then Maria led you to a spare chamber she offered you to rest in while she arranged a house for you. You laid down and sighed, sleep pushing your eyelids down as soon as your head hit the pillow.

You were exhausted because of everything you've been through and everything you've felt: You were angry at Joel, worried for Ellie, relieved that you made it to Jackson in one piece, also upset that you possibly won't be seeing Ellie after tomorrow; there was also the attraction you felt toward Joel that you furiously denied, the need to relieve yourself down there and whatnot; but you really didn't think it was appropriate with the grief you pushed down and away slowly resurfacing along your feelings. You were absolutely fatigued, you felt like if someone simply touched you by the shoulder, you'd break and turn into dust then and there. At least in a few hours, when you woke up, Ellie would be back and Joel would mutter an apology - two things would be off your mind before you focused on your heavier emotions.

[agent-nova]

Outside the Wall (tlou au)

[previous part here]

“Hold up. Patrol.” Charlie held up his fist and Marlene fell in behind him, gun drawn. Ellie didn’t have a weapon so she leaned uselessly against the metal fencing they were hiding behind. The Firefly behind her had his rifle waiting in his arms.

“Coming or going?” Marlene asked, attempting to glance through the rain over Charlie’s shoulder. “....going,” he confirmed. It occurred to Ellie that she hadn’t thought twice about his accent.

Had he been stranded here after FEDRA took control? Did he have a family back home?

“Focus,” he scolded, catching Ellie in her thoughts. She felt the impulse to react, but knew it would do nothing but draw attention their way. She frowned. “On me.”

They continued in the rain through the back alleys of the less-populated section of the quarantine zone. It was difficult to see with hardly any light sources, but the moon was bright enough to point out some things.

Marlene and Charlie discussed fortifications, logistics of arriving supplies and munitions, among other things such as morale. Ellie sensed that despite never having seen a FEDRA wanted poster for him, Charlie was a huge part of the Fireflies, at least here in Boston.

How did he get involved?

Ellie waved away the thought, not expecting to ever get anything close to an answer out of the man. For whatever reason he held a great deal of contempt for her, and she didn’t know why.

“This is us.” After what felt like hours of walking through the rain, Charlie pushed open a metal door which opened onto the top of a steep stairway going down into darkness. Everyone turned on their flashlights, with the exception of Ellie, who didn’t have one, or at least, didn’t have one that worked.

She relied on the light from the man behind her to keep watch of the stairs, making sure not to trip and knock everyone in front of her down in the process. She had a feeling Charlie wouldn’t react well to that. Though the look of general annoyance with her hadn’t changed from the moment she talked back to him.

Who was he to order her around? What gave him the right? Even Marlene seemed to notice, but she said nothing to correct him, and she was the supposed leader of this group. Perhaps he held a higher place of authority than even her? Or perhaps he was simply that stubborn and argumentative that she knew scolding him in front of Ellie would do the opposite of what she wanted.

Either way, a tap on her shoulder brought her to attention and she blinked a few times, wondering how she had sunken so deeply into thought that she’d stopped walking. She reached the bottom of the stairs and spotted Charlie and Marlene moving ahead, through the sublevel of the building.

“Not much further now,” Marlene promised, voice echoing in the wide room. “Just through here,” she called out, gesturing to another set of stairs. Ellie picked up her pace and followed Marlene and Charlie up several flights of stairs. Ellie had no idea what floor they were on anymore, she was more worried about how much further it would be.

“Here,” Charlie spoke quietly, opening one of the doors down near the end of a hallway. He held it open for everyone before closing it again and locking it, adding a small bookshelf for good measure. Once he stood up straight, he physically appeared more relaxed. With the immediate threat of soldiers gone, he wasn’t quite so on edge.

“Ellie,” Marlene called over. Ellie walked to where she sat, at a small wooden dining table, and took a seat opposite her. “What I was saying before is that I’m not going with you.” Ellie frowned. She trusted Marlene. And maybe she shouldn’t, but she did. Even if she only needed Ellie for her mind, she’d been nothing but kind. She certainly wouldn’t make the trip alone, she’d be torn apart as soon as she set foot outside the wall, which was another question itself.

How do we get past the wall?

“I’m going to send you with a very capable guide, he knows the route, knows what to avoid and all the shortcuts along the way.” Ellie sighed. “You’ll be in safe hands, safer than if I led you there myself,” Marlene promised.

Charlie crossed the room, rummaging around in the cupboards and pulling out a few things. He seemed to be purposefully distracting himself, reading the label on a can of peaches as if any of it mattered.

“Is that who we’re waiting for, then?” Ellie asked, glancing around at the surprisingly well-furnished apartment. The other Firefly was reclined on the couch in the attached living room, hands behind his head, eyes closed.

Marlene glanced at Charlie, who wasn’t looking at her. “No.”

Oh, god, it’s him, isn’t it? I’m going to die out there. He’d probably laugh.

Without missing a beat, clearly having heard every word, Charlie tucked the various items in his pack before responding. “I am going to take you to the next group who will take you to the next, and so on. But we’ve got to get past the perimeter guard first.”

Before Ellie could voice a complaint, Marlene cut in. “I’ll be following closely behind you, I just need to get everything in order here first. I’ll meet you there,” she promised.

Ellie didn’t feel like she had a choice. She looked to Charlie warily. He was already watching her. “You stay close, you do as I say, when I say it. I need your complete focus and cooperation, or you will absolutely die out there—”

“Charlie,” Marlene warned.

“I’ll do my best to prevent that from happening. But you need to listen to me.” Ellie didn’t understand where his frustration was coming from. What had she done to betray his trust? She didn’t know how she would be able to tolerate him.

He lifted his pack from the counter, now a bit heavier, and slung it over his shoulder. “Get some rest,” he ordered. “We begin preparations tomorrow evening.” After a moment of contemplation and a shared look with Marlene, Charlie moved on down the hall and into one of the rooms, shutting the door behind him. Ellie turned to face Marlene again. “Is there no one else?”

“No. He’s the best we have.”

“I think he hates me.”

Marlene cracked a smile. “He doesn’t.” She took a while to think. “He doesn’t like change, and he definitely doesn’t like strangers. He’s reluctant to trust. And he’s a bit of a control freak. But he’s a good man, a good soldier. You couldn’t be in better hands, Ellie. I promise. Just give him some time.”

Right.

“Go get some rest. There’s another bed in the room at the end of the hall,” Marlene explained. Ellie glanced at the windows beside the table, seeing the sky beginning to change color with the sunrise. Her exhaustion hit her suddenly. She nodded and got up from the table, passing Charlie’s shut door, wondering if he had fallen asleep already or if he’d been up, listening to her talk about him. Probably the latter.

Ellie shut the door behind her, leaving Marlene and the other Firefly in the main room. A few minutes after settling in to sleep, She heard the shelf being moved and the main door open and shut. She was alone, with Charlie.

Just focus. Focus and keep up, and soon you’ll be back doing what you love. You’ll get to research a cure, do something good for the world. This is just one small hitch. And like he said, soon you’ll be with a different group. You’ll be fine. Maybe.

Ellie fell asleep minutes later, thinking about all the ways she could get herself killed.

*************

Beyond the towering concrete wall, there was nothing but darkness. Here and there Ellie could make out odd shapes stretching up into the sky, remains of the city after it had been bombed to reduce the infected around the gates. She hadn’t realized how close they were already. She’d never been this close. Flashes of her first encounter with the “clicker” overtook her and she wondered if she should be doing something like this, going out there when she didn’t know the first thing about protecting herself—

“Are you ready?” Ellie looked up from her seat by the window, trying to hide that he’d startled her. Charlie stood there, holding the straps of his backpack. He looked less tense than yesterday, but still alert. It was a simple question, but it was the least hostile he’d been with her since she met him.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Ellie responded with a sigh, getting to her feet. Her good humor was met with a slight uptick of the corner of his lips.

Progress.

Before she could get too far away, he called out to her softly. “Ellie.” It was strange to hear him say her name. “I got a few things you might need.” He held out a hand and she took off her backpack, handing it to him slowly. Where had his temper disappeared to? It was almost bizarre. “This,” he started, holding up a small roll of gauze, “is invaluable. Keep it handy. Don’t want to leave wounds unprotected.” He tucked it inside her bag. He then pulled out a gas mask. “And this is incredibly important, for the—”

“The spores.”

He nodded, putting it inside. “Yeah. And lastly,” he spoke, zipping up the bag and handing it back to her, “I noticed last night you didn’t have a flashlight. I guess you didn’t have much use for one in the heart of the zone, but out there you won’t have anything to light the way. All the grids have been powered down for ages. You’ll need this.” He leaned in once she put the backpack back on and clipped the light to the strap. She forced herself to keep her eyes up. She didn’t know why, but her stomach did a few flips at his close proximity. He radiated warmth. “This’ll keep your hands free.”

Thanks to him, she now felt slightly more prepared. “Thank you,” Ellie smiled. To her complete shock, he returned it. She hated her internal reactions to him. Just because he was showing an inch of kindness.

After a mile of coldness.

“You’re welcome,” he replied. “It shouldn’t take us more than a day to get to the hand-off point.” And then he’d be rid of her, back to business as usual.

Maybe that’s why he’s in such a good mood.

Ellie offered a small nod and waited expectantly for him to lead the way. He headed for the door but turned back around. “Remember, stay close. When I run, you run. When I stop, you stop. If I tell you to go on ahead, you go on ahead, no questions. Got it?”

Ellie nodded. “Got it.”

“Good.” His expression changed to a more serious one as he slowly opened the door of the apartment and slipped out into the hall. For his size, he was strangely quiet. She remembered that they’d all been able to sneak up on her and suddenly wasn’t surprised.

“Have you done this before?” Ellie asked, following behind him.

“A few times.” He kept his voice low, but it was so deep that there was an inescapable rumbling in his chest. He continued down the steps but stopped off at the second floor, taking a long dark hallway that wrapped around the building. Both flashlights were on, but he didn’t seem like he was concerned about running into anyone.

“Are you as worried as I am?” Ellie finally asked.

“No.”

“Of course not.”

He pushed open a door at the end of the hallway and stepped into another apartment, this one devoid of furniture. There was a broken section of wall which seemed to serve as a passageway ahead. He ducked under it and she followed.

“Let’s hope this thing still works,” he commented, approaching a generator. Ellie noticed the makeshift lift beside it and wondered how someone made something like this in all the mess and aftermath. It took skill, especially with so little resources.

“I’m surprised anything works, really. With no infrastructure anymore…” Ellie trailed off, thinking back to when things first got bad, when the zones were made across the country. Martial law. Fear. Uncertainty. The bombings. The work mandates, the separation, the curfews, all of it designed to keep everyone under their thumb. It was all a stopgap that shouldn’t have lasted this long. Unrest was growing.

Charlie got the generator started and stood, brushing his hands off. The noise was loud and it took a moment to get used to. He nodded over to the lift and Ellie walked over, with Charlie following behind. He pressed a button and the lift moved down through carefully-sized holes in each level until they again reached what must’ve been the basement, though it didn’t seem like what they passed through the previous night.

“It’s just through here,” he spoke quietly. He reached a sliver of light shining on the floor near a wall and stopped, turning off his flashlight. She did the same. He moved a small crate into place and Ellie’s eyes followed his hands as they moved up towards the ceiling. The covering was lifted and she could feel a slight breeze. They were outside the wall.

“Stay close. They usually patrol by the gates at night. If we’re careful, we can pass through undetected.” Ellie nodded, though he wasn’t watching her. He was scanning their surroundings, making sure it was absolutely clear. Her silence must’ve appeared as recognition to him because he didn’t ask anything further. “Come on up. Quiet, now.”

Ellie climbed onto the crate beside Charlie and reached for the lip of the opening, pulling herself up and out. She glanced around briefly before holding the cover up enough for him to do the same. They both lowered it back down together.

There was a rumble off in the distance and the air was dense with moisture. It would rain soon, and Ellie wasn’t sure if that would help them or hurt them. She also didn’t know if she wanted to ask him. He adjusted his pack and scanned the horizon. “Right, this way.”

*************

The rain was pouring down outside and visibility was poor, but Charlie was pleased that they’d made it out of the perimeter of the zone and deeper into downtown. The threat of patrols was gone, but there were other things outside the wall to worry about.

“What happened here?” Ellie asked, scanning the room, the lobby of an old bank. There were old bloodstains everywhere, streaks of it on the floor. A few bodies were scattered around. It looked like a slaughter, though it must’ve been months before. The uniforms indicated military. Ellie knelt down and picked up a small journal. After skimming through it, she set it back down. “They used to patrol this far?” That’s what the notes had indicated, though they were stuck in the building for some time after coming across a large group of infected.

“Used to,” Charlie nodded, rummaging through his pack. He was kneeling on the ground in front of it. Ellie did her best to keep watch. She watched him too, and noticed a few scars behind his right ear. “The longer you’re infected, the more dangerous you become. It’s not worth the risk anymore.”

Ellie nodded, knowing the path from initial infection to some of the final stages decently well. She’d stolen a few pamphlets provided to the FEDRA personnel as they weren’t sharing anything like that with the general population. She wondered if she had been able to contribute anything to them prior to her separation from the CDC. “Do you think we’ll run into anything like that out here?”

“I’d be surprised if we didn’t. But if we’re quiet, we’ll be just fine. Here,” he stood, holding out a rather large knife. Ellie looked at him curiously, trying to hide her amusement.

“I don’t think I’ll be much help, to be honest,” she confessed. “Maybe you should just give me a gun instead.”

He chuckled to himself. “Absolutely not.” Ellie frowned at him. “Guns equal noise, which equals a whole horde of infected bearing down on us,” he gestured down at the aftermath in the room, shell casings scattered around on the floor. “No, ma’am, sorry, but this is all you’ll get.”

Ellie glanced at the holster at his thigh. “You have a gun.”

Charlie followed her eyes. “That’s for emergencies.”

“Me needing this wouldn’t qualify as an emergency?” Ellie asked, taking the knife from him. She held it awkwardly, trying to familiarize herself with the heft of it, wondering where to put it so she wouldn’t somehow injure herself.

“I’m beginning to rethink all this,” he joked, taking the knife back and attaching it and the sleeve it was in to the strap of her backpack. She again tried not to think about how close he was to her. It almost distracted her from his comment. Almost.

“Great, thanks for that. Sorry to be a burden.” Ellie backed away from him and turned around, watching the rain falling outside. The sound of rain always comforted her, and she didn’t quite know why. But she got no comfort now.

“It’s not too much further,” he stated, as if that made up for anything.

“And then you’ll be rid of me.”

He stayed quiet for a moment before she heard him approach. “I’m not…” He sighed. “Sorry.” He almost looked nervous.

Ellie waited a bit before turning back around. “It’s okay,” she shrugged, before brushing past him towards the opposite side of the room. “We should probably get going, yeah?”

His brief vulnerability disappeared and he straightened up. “Let’s go.”

*************

“We need to find cover, you’ll get sick,” Charlie spoke, a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. She brushed it off, shivering. “That building there,” he suggested, pointing to a partially-collapsed office building. It had to be fifty to sixty floors tall, though it was now propped up by a neighboring building of similar height. On the other side of it Ellie was sure there would be a crater left over from the aggressive bombing of the regions surrounding the zone.

“I’ll be fine, let’s just get to the next group. You said it’s not much further ahead.” Ellie moved to keep going. Charlie grabbed her backpack, keeping her from walking away.

“In here,” he ordered. “We can look for supplies.”

Ellie sighed. She didn’t want him to think she was weak. Sure, she was cold and had to continually wipe the water out of her eyes, but she wouldn’t have expected him to concern himself with how she was getting on, especially when he was so close to being rid of her. Despite his apology, she was sure he’d feel much better knowing the responsibility for caring for her had passed on to someone else.

And besides, she had to do something to prevent herself from forming an attachment to him. And his newfound concern for her well-being wasn’t helping.

He climbed up onto the open second floor, the state of the building giving Ellie pause. “It’s not going to collapse on us, is it?”

He turned around and held a hand out to her, hoisting her up beside him. “No. It’s been like this for years now.”

The gravity of just how much time had passed hit Ellie, and she thought back on all her time spent in the zone, treating injuries with far less resources than she’d have preferred. She wasn’t really a practicing medical doctor, using her title for research and theory only. But no one else seemed to care. And she did help, she just…

“You okay?”

Ellie was quick to apologize. “Sorry, just got… Just thinking about some things.”

“Try to focus, please? No offense or anything, but you having my back is a little worrying if you’re gonna be daydreaming.” He chuckled, but it was poorly received. He seemed to notice.

Ellie felt guilt and anger all at once. He wasn’t wrong to worry, that was absolutely fair, but he could’ve said it...differently. She stayed quiet but moved to pass through the mildewed cubicles. The building was tilted slightly, but not as much as it was higher up. Ellie felt her legs burning a little as she reached the main hallway that ran the length of the building...or, used to.

A large gaping hole cut off any travel to the left side of the building. Ellie continued to the right, not sure of where they should be going. There was a desk near, and Ellie picked through the waterlogged paperwork, the sound of the rain almost comforting. She stopped as Charlie called out.

“Over here, sign says breakroom. Doesn’t look ransacked. Want to have a look?” Ellie walked back over to him. “After you,” he offered. Ellie sighed and pushed open the door, a low groan echoing as the door swung open on old hinges.

There was a clicking sound that was familiar, and it wasn’t coming from either of them. Ellie was suddenly thrust back to the first time she’d heard anything like that, hiding under the desk.

Before Ellie could even think about moving, she was shoved out of the way. Arms flailing wildly towards her where she was lying on the floor, the creature got dangerously close to her face. She knew it wasn’t able to see her, but the sounds she gave off were enough. She surprised herself by reaching for the knife Charlie had only recently given her, but she wasn’t quick enough.

Charlie grabbed it by the shoulder and plunged his own knife, much larger than hers, into its neck. The eerie clicking halted almost immediately and the creature sunk to its knees. The knife was pulled free with a sickening squelch and Ellie watched as Charlie kicked it over the edge of the floor.

He held his free hand out to her, and she was surprised to hear silence from him, as opposed to him yelling or scolding her for her inaction. Instead, she heard guilt. “Sorry, should’ve gone first myself.”

“Charlie, don’t worry about it.” She tried to reach out to him as his back was turned. He wiped the blade off on the trim of the door as best as he could before putting it back in the sleeve.

“I worry,” he responded, continuing into the room. He perused the counters, staying away from the collapsed portion of the room. Ellie stood awkwardly in the center of the room. Charlie found something in one of the cabinets and busied himself with looking it over.

“Thank you,” she offered. She felt like she needed to do better, somehow. If anything happened to him because of her, she’d never forgive herself. Not because she cared, or anything, just…

It is because you care about him.

“You don’t need to thank me,” he finally spoke over his shoulder. “Not gonna let a Clicker get you, that would be negligent of me,” he said, a smile starting to appear. Ellie let out a sigh she didn’t know she’d been holding.

“Super negligent,” she added. He chuckled quietly. Then she did. They both laughed at that and he turned to face her, the remnants of a smile on his face. He looked relaxed, if for only a moment.

“Why don’t we rest until daylight? Maybe a couple floors up, if it’s clear?” Ellie’s feet were aching. She couldn’t argue with that. “Found a nice...beverage?” He lifted a bottle of vodka, only about half full. Ellie wondered what on earth it was doing in an office, of all places, but she couldn’t complain either.

“Sounds good to me,” she agreed.

*************

“Where are you from?” Ellie asked quietly, laying on her side with her backpack as a pillow, watching him as he settled down a couple of feet away from her. He stayed on his back, studying the ceiling, but at this question, he turned to look at her, meeting her eyes.

“What, you couldn’t guess?” he joked.

Ellie smiled. “No, seriously, I’m asking.”

He studied her, still smiling. After a moment, he sighed, looking up again. “Okay. Close your eyes.”

“What?”

Charlie laughed. “Relax, no funny business. Just close your eyes. Gonna paint a picture for you.”

“Oh,” she answered, a bit embarrassed. “Okay.” She did as he asked.

“Have you ever been to London?”

“Yes,” she answered. “For work once.”

“The CDC, right? Sounds like a fun job.”

“Not quite. Lots of misery and death. And I’m usually arriving in all the confusion, so…”

“Right. Maybe not fun—”

“You were painting me a picture?”

“Oh, right, right, yes. So since you’ve been to London, imagine a long stretch of houses on a quaint road, lots of people minding their own business as they walk past you, always got their heads down. Not the city centre by any means, but close enough for the location to be considered ideal.”

“Okay,” Ellie nodded.

“The row of houses, they’ve got about five floors. They’re all painted white. Dark doors. You’re walking towards one near the middle of the row. Immaculate shrubbery in a window box on the other side of the steps. Expensive cars parked out front. You open the thick, heavy door and walk inside and there’s marble flooring, a few rugs that look like they’re from a bazaar somewhere nice. Imagine bold yet tacky black and white decor everywhere. Rooms that don’t look lived in. An empty fridge. Parents that aren’t home. Ever. And neither am I, for that matter. Off to boarding school or on vacation, usually with friends. My room upstairs has no personality to it, full of things my mother picked out for me with no idea what I actually like. My room at school, however, full of posters. Bands, footballers…”

“You liked school?” Ellie asked, opening her eyes.

“Oh, god, no,” he laughed. “I liked being around people my own age, I think that was about the only good thing that came of it. Friends.”

“What were you like?” Ellie asked.

“Hmm, I was a bit of a dick,” he started.

“Was?” Ellie interrupted, faking her confusion.

He could only laugh. “Right, I deserved that one,” he conceded. “But, uh, just imagine me but somehow smaller, lean, really lean, hardly a bit of muscle, longer brown hair, inability to focus, sociable as all hell, but only truly comfortable around a few people…”

“Sounds normal to me,” Ellie commented. “You should’ve seen me.”

“You don’t look so bad,” he winked. Ellie rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t know me.”

“So tell me.”

His voice was soft, and if Ellie knew him, she’d know that was a good sign he was tired and near sleep. Not that he’d admit it.

“I grew up in a small town. My childhood home had a huge wrap-around porch, and the heat lasted much longer there than a traditional summer. Weather changed often. I spent most of my time inside, a bit isolated, but it was intentional. I was intent on getting out of that place.”

“Did you hate it?” he asked calmly, eyes tired but focused on her.

“I didn’t hate it, but it didn’t… it wasn’t an environment I thrived in. I welcomed science and innovation in a place that wanted to stay the same, slowly aging, a steady, reliable place to its residents. Nothing bad ever happened there. Nothing terribly interesting, either.”

“College was a godsend, wasn’t it?”

“Absolutely. That’s how I ended up with my job. Right after graduation I had about a week to myself before I started working for the CDC. Wouldn’t trade it for the world…well…”

“This isn’t your fault,” he argued, sitting up. “Don’t feel any misplaced guilt for this, you’re just like any of us. A survivor.”

Ellie studied him, appreciating his words more than he probably knew. It was her job to help manage outbreaks, whether on a tiny scale or a massive one. And she felt like she’d failed, though being trapped in the Boston Quarantine Zone didn’t do her any favors. But it was definitely something she lied about feeling. It was there, tucked away.

“Thank you, that’s, uh, nice to hear.” Charlie smiled slowly, moving his bag a bit closer to where she lay. She noticed, but said nothing.

“Get some sleep, I’ll keep watch.”

“What about you?” She saw his own exhaustion. He was probably just better at managing it.

“Don’t worry about me. I can rest later,” he suggested, reminding her that she only had hours left with him. She was surprised at her very visceral reaction. All the joy and peace left her face and she sighed. She couldn’t tell him how much she wanted him to go with her, not without revealing a lot more about herself than she wanted, but doing nothing felt wrong too.

“Something wrong? Don’t worry, we’ll be safe up here for tonight.” He thought she was worried about being safe. That couldn’t be further from what she was preoccupied with.

“Okay.” Ellie got more comfortable, closing her eyes, hands tucked beneath her cheek to keep warm. She peeked up at him to find him looking down her. More concern about him leaving her with someone else blossomed and she came incredibly close to blurting out her concerns. “Charlie?”

“Mhmm?” He didn’t seem like he was worried about being caught watching her. Not that he was looking for any particular reason.

Don’t be ridiculous. He can’t possibly feel anything close to that.

“...Be safe, okay? When this is over, and you go back to...whatever it is that you do...be careful for me?”

His expression changed as he looked her over. “...I will be,” he promised. It wasn’t anything close to what she’d come close to saying, and it seemed like he might have known that. “Rest up. I don’t know what kind of journey you’ll have after this…” He seemed like he wanted to say more too, but couldn’t bring himself to. Or perhaps that was just her wishful thinking. “You’ll do fine.”

Ellie nodded and turned over as he turned off the flashlight he’d placed between them. She heard him settle in beside her and forced herself to stop thinking and try to rest. He was right, she needed to prepare herself for anything, it would be a long journey and no one would be able to predict how it was going to play out.