#she deserves a kind and gentle death when the time comes but i dont know how to make that happen for her or when and im scared

[teobug]

Barely slept because my very old kitty is sick and this might Be It for her since we do not have the money to take her in and even if we did, it is more likely than not a complication of kidney failure which we have known to be an inevitable end for a while now

[spiderlandry]

stay — jake sully

Description: Jake reflects on a love from his past life.

Pairing: Past Human!Jake Sully x F!Reader, Jake Sully x Neytiri

Warnings/Tags: angst, kind of fluff, death mention (tom sully), i dont know anymore it’s just kinda bittersweet

Word Count: 1.3k

Author’s Note: it’s jake’s birthday today (august 24) !!! so im posting two jake fics :] the other one is fluff i promise

PRESENT

Guilt has to be some type of chronic pain, Jake thinks. It sits in his ribcage beside his heart like a heavy stone, only alleviated by the reminder that he has a life now and the past is long gone. But the problem is that it would always haunt him. He’s a sinner, he has to pay.

Being with Neytiri makes him feel alive, it really does. He loves her. But there’s a place in his heart only occupied by one person right next to Neytiri’s place—you.

You, who was the first to ever see him. The first to ever give him a taste of what it was like to love and be loved. When he was learning the words oel ngati kameie, his point of reference was you. Your heart that he so diligently worked to earn, something you shared that he didn’t deserve. Don’t get him wrong, he’s sure you’re still on your feet. Hell, you probably found someone better. He hopes you have and that you’ve also realized that one’s heart can belong to two, just like his.

He wonders sometimes if you know his heart still belongs to you.

2146

“Pretty lady,” Jake greeted you as he wheeled himself into the pub. This wasn’t his usual place, but he’d come here more regularly all because of one person: you. “How’s business tonight?”

“Better now that you’re here, Sully.” You flashed him a cheshire grin from behind the bar, pouring him the usual.

You were the pretty bartender that caught his eye, months ago. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for him to observe beautiful women from afar, but you were different. Though you were attractive, it was one particular conversation that drew him completely to you, where you spoke of your own dreams as a scientist even in the quickly deteriorating shithole that was the city you’d both considered home. It gave him something. It gave him hope. Just a sliver.

He watched you from the corner of the room while you did your job.

He waited for you until the end of your shift, careful not to drink too much so he can remember the next morning. To remember how you grinned at him when you opened the door to your apartment, and to spend the next few hours kissing him stupid.

PRESENT

There’s nothing like the date nights with Neytiri. It’s freedom injected into his veins. They fly together, circling the floating mountains and laughing as they chased each other. The world glitters and glows around them, and the world falls away.

By the end of the night, he cages her inside his arms, protection enough for the both of them—he protects himself by shielding her.

And there’s a flash—just a second—of his past life.

It happens. Rarely, but it happens. Sometimes Neytiri would run her fingers through his hair just right, or she would shove him playfully with such a precise force that it matches a memory buried deep under the grounds of the graveyard inside his mind where he mourned his other life, and along with it, you. For one moment, he’s back in a human body, with your soul still there with him, somehow.

He only falters for a single frame, but it’s enough for her to notice. She doesn’t pry in the hopes he’ll tell her someday. He’s got a type—Neytiri is beautiful and patient, just like you.

2148

His apartment gathered dust while he spent all of his time at your place. He’d never dare utter the word out loud, but it was becoming home for him. When you had opening shift at the bar, he awoke to gentle lips on his forehead and a promise to come home later.

Promise. Jake didn’t have much of it in his life. But once again, you reignited a sense of belonging that he once had.

There was no other place for him to be.

At least until those two agents showed up at the door and demanded he go with them. He was shown his twin’s dead body, and it was then he saw the other side of the coin. That could have been him. It should have been him, technically. Tom was always the better one.

Jake was proposed with a choice.

It was nighttime when he got to you, and you were already there waiting for him with a worried expression. There was no grieving, but there was guilt.

You held him for hours in silence after he told you what happened.

In the morning, he further explained to you what those agents told him, and you listened patiently—intently—without interruption. Afterward, you smiled solemnly. Perhaps you’d already known his choice even before he did.

For a long time, you knew that Jake felt lost. No sense of purpose, he told you. And while you were a pillar of stability for him, his heart sought for an objective. You had your studies, your aspirations. He didn’t have any goal to work toward. You, being you, recognized his craving for something more.

“If you go, I won’t hold it against you.” You said, preparing breakfast at the crack of dawn. There was only sleeplessness for both of you.

“But?” He asked.

“But what, Jake?” You glanced at him, unable to make eye contact for longer. “What do you want me to say?”

“If you tell me to stay, I will.”

“We both know I’m not doing that,” You sighed. That was the thing, you knew him too well. “Do you want me to tell you to stay?”

His silence said it all.

“Look,” despite your nerves, you finally faced him. Courage he saw in your eyes. “I love you. There’s nothing that’ll change that. I don’t want you to go, but I’ll never tell you to stay.”

“That’s nonsense.”

And despite the edge in his voice, you smiled. “This would be good for you,” you caressed his jaw. “You’ll come back. It’s not forever.”

He rested his head against your middle as you ran your fingers through his hair soothingly, scratching at the scalp.

“I’ll come back, I promise.” He whispered.

“I don’t doubt that, Jake.”

He intended to keep that promise.

PRESENT

He would never stop thanking you for not telling him to stay. If you didn’t, he wouldn’t have his family. But he promised to come back, and that’s where the guilt grows tenfold.

The guilt doesn’t end. He doesn’t really expect it to.

With a strong heart, he prepares himself to tell Neytiri about you.

In the back of her mind, she likely knew there was already someone before her. By making the bond, they share everything, and with a haze, she felt Jake’s love being shared with another. She sensed his hesitance to get close to her during training.

He tells her about finding purpose, about how he fought for you, that everything he did—even as Toruk Makto—was all so he can make you proud.

He exhausts himself telling endless stories of your adventures together on Earth, and regardless of her distaste with sky people, there is no greater joy for her than hearing him share this part of his life. It means the secret would no longer plague him.

Don’t get him wrong, he moved on long ago. Found happiness without you. But that does not mean he stopped loving you; it’s a part of him as much as his bond with Neytiri.

Someday, he hopes to pass onto his children the kind of bravery he gained from being with you. To be unapologetically courageous—to fight for want you want. When they’re older, there may be a circumstance where he can give advice from a lesson he learned from you. One of which being that there’s more love in one’s heart than they think.

He lounges with Neytiri in a secluded part of the mountains, holding her, when he spots a new light in the sky. A light that, unbeknownst to him, contains you.

[maldito-arbol]

HELLO CHAPTER 7 HELLO WHAT DIE

“Run, Marcy, run, while you still can. She is not worth the risk. Strength is not worth…” (HELLO!??!?? BESTIE NO PLEASE IM GOING TO CRY)

She can only take Witney in her hands and hold her tight. (HOLD HER SO SO GENTLE PLEASE SOBBING)

A little cold, solid form presses against the side of her curled fist. 

 “Marcy,” she whispers. “Hold me?” (Hello i am a broken man now i cannot deal with this)

Witney trembles in her palms. “Marcy,” she says again, she must like saying her name now, and even that hurts. “You cared about me.” And it sounds like she’s crying too, even though she has no tears to do so. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” (Hi did you know i hate everything forever and ever now)

She holds her out to just look at her, as if to look her in the eyes despite only one existing between them.(shkfifhshdbgkjdhshd)

“You wish to protect…me?”(witney‘s fav hobby is saying the most fucked up things like they’re so so normal i think)

“It-it—has been so long. So long and hard and painful. I hadn’t had a vessel in so long, I…I almost thought, ‘it’s okay if they continue to hurt me. It’s better than being alone.’”(guys what if i just go and become a marcy kinnie instead and just hold her so so gently forever and ever and tell her i love her all the time and protect her from everything ever)

“I know you loved Heart,” she begins, nervous, careful. “But did you…ever love Strength too?”

 There’s a grunt that sounds angry. “That was one of my many, many mistakes.” (This is the one time k will accept any Strength slander. Its funny and Witney deserves it i think especially after it calls her stupid so much)

. “Lovesick little idiots, the both of us.”

 “You cannot call yourself an idiot.”

 “Sure I can—„ (so true bestie. I dont know wjat it is about this bit but. Oughhh

“Marcy, you are the greatest library I have ever had.”  (🥺)

 

And maybe being a good vessel shouldn’t be some kind of an achievement, but…right now it feels like she’s winning. (Marcy: i got a good grade in gem vessel, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve)

“Why would you instigate your own death when you can just run away?”(witney: why die when you can just run to another country and change your name. Just leave. If you dont like it hit da bricks)

SO TRUE WITNEY im glad she gets to enjoy marcy shit talking barrel as well good for them both

“I think,” Marcy murmurs, hugging herself now. “The general consensus we can come to here is that nothing went our way and everything sucks.” (So so true bestie i got it down oat Everything Went So Wrong In Every Way)

If you thought Marcy’d blame herself for my injuries, imagine what’s going through her head when you say shit like whatever the fuck that sack of turds was that you just spat at me.”(That Certainly Is One Of The Explicatives Ive Ever Heard. Definitely A String Of Words Huh)

I think that witney and marcy should get to have fun and be silly. Theyre sl cute i love themmmmmmm. I swear if this goes south fucking immidiately im going to cry theyre so happy rn with their silly little library ideas,,,,,,,,,,,,

HOLY SHIT BRENTON IM SCREAMING THIS IS SO COOL

SOBBING THE BELOVEDS

WITNEY PROBOUNS WITNEY PRONOSUDBDJHSVSVDBFB

“That’s what it always seems like at first,” he snaps quickly. “You get lured in by that protectiveness, that surface-level kindness, and then when it’s done with you, it’ll drop you like dirty laundry.” His tone is devastating, but somehow, with this new information, Marcy feels even more implored to defend the pink gem. (You know what maybe i Will become a Marcy kinnie. Super nice to Witney all the time and holds him so so gently. Defends Strength. Gets headaches from a hole in her mind. Shes just like me frfr)

WOAHHHHHH the mentaö image of this library is So Cool- OH NO EVIL EYE KILL IT

“Isn’t it remarkable what you can accomplish when I bully you into it?” Brenton tells her with a smirk. 

 “You’re a dick,” she shoots back, playfully shoving him.(abkfjfhshshjdjfjd witney,,,,,,,,, i think that witney deserves to be alittle bit of a dick sometimes. Hes earned it)

So what, you just gonna keep being Brenton now?”

 He hums through more laughter. “I did miss it. I think I’d like to stay like this a little longer.” (POV ur witney and i get ur first taste of gender euphoria from a plant)

K MART SO REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Salom,,,,,, that such a cute name,,,,,,,,,

“In fact it was Barrel’s fiancée who taught me how, and she taught me to read his little secret language too.” (🥺🥺🥺 THATS SO CUTE WEIF BELOVED I LOVE THEM )

“By the time I grew knowledgeable enough to comprehend the content of this book, I could no longer bring myself to read it.”(TRADGEDY STRUCK NO SAD BABY :(((((( )

He simply sighs. “Well. Me and Heart did.” And this is news to Marcy. “Before Sasha, Strength only had one vessel. And she was a frog.”

 One?

 One vessel? Witney had 58 and Strength only had one? (hmmmmmmmmmm. I may. Come back to this later. This one got me like 👀 . Im gonna be so normal about this one bestie dont WORRY about it)

“I am to blame for the way Strength lost her.”

 There’s a silence. This time, Marcy knows not to ask. She won’t make a peep. 

 “I don’t think I regret it,” he admits, shamefully. “But I also wonder sometimes if anything would have changed had I not pushed her over the edge.” (WHAT HELLO WHAT I AM 👀👀👀 IM. Bestie i am THINKING. What did you do to weif i am going to Kill you)

They meet her eye, the fire in it boring a hole into their blue oceans. “I…” they start again, dry, hesitant, terrified. “…I’m sorry.” They just barely manage to get it out. Marcy nods vigorously, a gesture to keep going. “Very. For a lot of things. And I…love…you…?”(SCREAMING CRYING GOING TO BREAK A WALL RIP EVERYTHING TO SHREADS HOLY SHIT. HEART?!!??!!! WHY IS IT A QUESTION IM GOINH TO KILL SOMEONE FUCK)

He he. Silly word association. Dont mind me having a little giggle over the fact Heart says theyre the agile one when we had Agility as a Wength kid…

“I am yours. All yours, always and forever.”

 Her head shakes. She begins weeping all over again. “You’re not.”

 “what—”

 “I cannot tell you that, Heart,” she fires back, a sob in her throat. “I am your love, not your king.” (SCREAMING CRYING STABBING YOU RN. I am going FREAL right now Heartney My Beloveds hnnnnnnnnnnn)

Oh hmmm i forgot about the spell pouches. I was gonna be like i wonder what thats like on the gems side but theey just kinda wake them up so they can take control dont they. Nvm.

Uhm on second thought maybe theres more to it then that what rhe Fuck just happened. Side note Anne‘s unconcious body is just In The Field now what are they planning to do to get her back to bed. Im sure this will work out perfectly

Nooo WAIT BUT IF IT GETS RID OF HEART THEN WHAT ABOUT WITNEY TOO NO WAIT BUT WITNEY BELOVED NO COME BACK

WAIT. Wait is it. Wait hold on gimmie a second o don’t remember what maddie or valeriana look like hold on. I feel like tje dots that are in my brain that im connecting right now theres a good chance im wrong but. The dots that are in my brain they are connecting.

hanjdhsgsgshshw well in glad Heart didnt Say anying about the fact its *incredibly* obvious who Sprig‘s ancestor was

“I did no such thing.”

 So this whole time they’ve been blaming Heart for the antler it…wasn’t even them at all?( hmmmmmmmmmmm iiinchressstiiiinnnhhgggggg. Also the bit about the fact Heart has claws and etc. being because of Anne… OH AND THAT WHY ANDRIAS DOESNT GUYS IM CONNECTING THE PIECES)

“Everything I had with him got in the way of what I wanted with them,” they say with venom. “I was so convinced I could only love him, I didn’t allow myself to love them. When I knew I did.” They chuckle sadly. “I want to love them so badly.” (Wow did you know il insane now im never going to be normal again ever ever again this is my life forever now)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHERE IS WITNEY NO WITNEY NO WJAT WAIT NO- NO WAIT STOP NO WAIT

NO U

GOOD. CRY

If I don’t make Marcy hold Witney gently very five seconds then I’m doing something wrong

See what I mean

That was the intention

I’m so funny guys. Haha. Remember how. Remember how Marcy only has one eye

It’s because he’s spent her entire life going through fucked up things and therefore doesn’t realize they’re fucked up.

You are welcome in the Marcy Kinnie Community, we have trauma here.

Witney can have a little fun at Strength’s expense, as a treat.

I’m like Marcy. I used to be so smart in school but I am such a dumb of ass when it comes to socializing and the like. And I just keep getting dumber the older I get.

THEY! ARE! SUCH! BESTIES!

Dude literally

More people should think like Witney. Just run away from all your problems.

Shit-talking Barrel is always a great activity for your mental health.

Everything went so wrong and I am so here for it. What fun would this story be if anything went right?

I was having such a hard time coming up with a good line there and I concluded that I am simply not good at it at all.

Let them be silly so true bestie

Bro you have NO idea how excited I was to include Brenton in this, or how HARD it was to keep it secret for seven months. It is truly maniacal.

AND NOW WE CAN TRULY START GENDERING WITNEY

Please come join the Marcy Kinnies. Also I love the whole “defending Strength” thing. Marcy has actually met and had important interactions with Strength, and now that she realizes that, she has her own impression of it. She can’t see how it would be capable of doing something that would spark such hatred on Witney’s part, and more than that, Witney won’t tell her what that something is. Having Marcy and Witney disagree on the matter is very important to me.

This library would be so much fun. And it’s such a perfect place to show Marcy all the different kinds of people Witney has been a part of. Hehe eyeball. You like what I did there?

I MISS Witney’s sass-mouth. Let him be a dick. She has the capability.

LITERALLY

I WILL NEVER LET GO OF K-MART

such a cute name for such an off-kilter little guy.

Dude Leif teaching Witney how to read is one of my most favorite things ever. They have so so much more to their relationship than what was shown in the Heart chap and I’m SO excited to show more of it in the upcoming gem chaps.

Poor Witney having to revisit her tragic backstory :((

ONE VESSEL ONE VESSEL. GGRRRRRR THIS ONE ALWAYS GETS ME SO BAD. If you ever wondered why Strength acts so differently as a gem and why I keep pointing it out, it’s because of THIS.

What I did to Weif? What do I always do to the pink/green relationships??? You can’t tell me you didn’t see this coming.

Oh Heart. Immediately trying and immediately failing to start things back up with Witney. At least Witney is the last person who would judge Heart.

Don’t make me think about Aggie I’ll get sad

HEARTNEY ANGST SO GOOD

Ahh the spell pouches. If you remember from way back in IBYBF 5 when we actually got to see a POV of a spell pouch doing its work,

A sudden blast of purple materializes between her and the gem, filling the water with the hue and prompting the vine to release her leg at once. 

“Aw, leaving so soon—?”

The gem disappears in the cloud, and Anne’s eyes go wide with the realization. 

One of the bundles has gone off. 

Heart quite literally disappears into the cloud of purple. Furthermore we can see with this passage from CMTO 7,

“Do not use anymore of that magic stuff on me,” they demand softly. “It hinders my connection to Anne, and she is expecting a status report. I will return to my realm peacefully. Do you have any final questions before I go?”

Essentially, the pouches work to sever the connection between vessel and gem for a brief period of time, meaning communication and possession become impossible. It muddies the dreamscapes as well, filling them with the purple void and further confusing and disorienting all parties. Now I want you to sit back and come to the understanding that Heart and Anne both spent all of that morning trapped in the void and unable to find each other until Maddie put the incense out. And have fun with that information.

Yes just as it works on Heart, it also works quite well on Witney.

DONT WORRY ABOUT VALERIANA YET

I originally didn’t have the gems react to Sprig’s likeness to Leif because I hadn’t yet fully developed the gem backstory and didn’t know what their reaction would be,, but now I just think it’s SUPER funny that they still don’t.

You’re doing great sweetie. And if you recall, Heart only starting growing the branches and that ‘rhinoceros horn’ in Andrias’s calamity form when they tried to suffocate Leif.

This is also my life forever gODAMMIT I love Heart sm

Hmmmmm where is Witney? I wonder :^)

[aequitas-herbergier]

Espero que esté bien mandar preguntas, si no, siéntete libre de ignorarlas.

¿Karla alguna vez ha viajado al Makai? ¿Qué tan especial es su sangre? ¿Cómo es su ruta Dark Fate? ¿Qué relación tiene ella con Yui?

↻ 𝕷𝖔𝖆𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌…

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‎

Hello there, anon! I can understand a bit of spanish but sadly I don't know how to write so I can't respond to this ask properly. :[

For future asks please send in english hehe. T T

But since I've got this ask I will respond to it in english, if it's fine. And my ask box is always open (even though I'm not that active here lol)! I hope that I've got the translations right XD

‎

•| ⊱🌹⊰ |•

‎

Has Karla ever traveled to Makai?

Karla has never traveled to Makai, at least not in the past she remembers. But in a faraway time, long lost in her memory, she did travel quuuite a lot to Makai though.

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•| ⊱🌹⊰ |•

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What is special about her blood?

Karla was born with a weird condition and her blood's properties are barely nonexistent (compared to all the other races of Makai), however, her blood had capabilities of mutation. If her blood got mixed with other individuals' blood, it was capable of stealing their properties and create a newly type of blood with all the characteristics it absorbed. Practically a shortcut to outbreeding and without mates kinda thing.

She was listed as an anomalous blood base that is able to maybe create a new type of race. In the past her blood absorbed samples from the strongest individuals of the main races in Makai (I will explain more of her lore in the future maybe), but that only pushed the Demon World in a chaotic mess and after some events most of her blood's properties were completely neutralized.

What remained now is her blood that can act as a powerful drug for vampires and could even drive them mad or force their bodies to destroy themselves if they don't constantly satiate their "new-found addiction".

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•| ⊱🌹⊰ |•

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How is her Dark Fate route?

Well, Karla doesn't really have a Dark Fate route; she doesn't have any routes at all at this moment. This is because her story is following more a book's structure, rather than an otome game with routes and all. (Since the D.L. AU I created is quite complex and I dont think that a route structure is the best fit because I wont have enough space to add everything) But if I'm going to write something for her I think that I'll try to adapt and create some routes too.

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•| ⊱🌹⊰ |•

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What relationship she has with Yui?

Karla has quite a good relationship with Yui. I could say that when she first arrived at the mansion Yui was the only person Karla could trust more or less. The vampires were way too sketchy and Karla was highly aware of them.

And generally Karla has a low emotional intelligence, so she sometimes looks up to Yui's gentleness and empathy. But other times she would like to slap out some of Yui's kindness because it would be the death of that poor girl. They kinda complete each other, Karla is more rational and does what she thinks that is right, with a quite unbiased judgement; meanwhile Yui comes with that empathy and softness, that everyone deserves happiness and another chance (even if that comes at the expense of the blonde's happiness).

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[manonblaqkbeak]

Friendship Rekindled

Hello, back for Day 10--single parents. This is the second part of a mini series during canon week. this is continuing off from Day 1--desperately in love. there’s going to be two more parts and i cant wait to get them out there!

i think this could be considered a little angsty, given some of the conversation topics that happen.

cw: brief mention of death and blood loss. mention of an abusive parent. (if i miss any, pls dont hesitate to let me know!)

enjoy! :)

2.9k words (my longest fic yet i believe)

It was nice to be finally out of the house, Aelin decided as she walked up to the nursery, her five month old daughter, Olive, strapped to her chest. After being cooped up for what felt like the last five months, Aelin had decided to liven up her apartment with some plants.

Hardy, un-killable plants, that is. Being a single mother didn't leave her much time to look after other things, so she needed some plants that required minimal water, but also had to be pretty to look at.

It was also a plus that there was a cafe attached to the nursery, and she heard that they served the best scones with homemade strawberry jam and cream in Orynth. All her life she had never come here, but she needed somewhere new to visit. And to reacquaint herself with her home town. Not long after Rowan and Lyria's wedding, Aelin had transferred to Rifthold for work, and had used the miles apart to quietly disappear from their lives.

That was four years ago now, and come back home to be closer to her parents. Aelin had never known her grandparents, and Aelin didn't want to deny her parents the privilege of knowing Olive, so she had transferred back just before she went on maternity leave. Aelin was happy to be back, especially since she hadn't seen Rowan or Lyria. The last she heard was from Elide, who got it from Lorcan, that a year after marriage, they were expecting. She was happy for them, she truly was, but that didn't stop the stab of pain she felt when she heard the news. She had dreamt of her being in Lyria's position for a few weeks after she heard the news, but forced herself to stop. To move on.

Aelin had, in a way. She would always love Rowan, but she needed to move on. It was wrong to consider her daughter a distraction, but she did provide the perfect one. Aelin briefly removed her lemon printed bucket-hat (Aelin wore a matching one) to kiss her head, her golden hair sparse, laughing her perfect baby laugh.

Aelin finally entered the nursery, tugging her nappy bag higher on her shoulder as she took in the hundreds of plants. She had no idea where to start, but started her browse. She slowly walked through the fern section, stopping every now and then to let Olive touch one, making the cute hand grabbing motion when she saw one she liked.

Aelin heard the laughter of a young child behind her, and then a deep and familiar one accompany it.

Aelin froze. It couldn't be. Surely the Gods weren't that cruel. Months she had been here, for the first time in ages she had decided to do something for herself, only to be met by that damned laughter.

Slowly she turned, her sandals making the gravel underneath crunch. She saw a flash of silver and a broad body.

Turning around had been a mistake, because when she did, so did the silver-haired man.

And for the first time in four years, turquoise eyes landed on pine-green ones.

Rowan blinked, and then blinked again as he took her in. His eyes widened as he noticed Olive strapped to her body, her face on display as she took in her surroundings. Her baby had the chocolate brown eyes of her father, but it was clear to anyone that knew Aelin that Olive was hers. Her daughter had Aelin's nose and hair colour, and would likely grow to have more of Aelin's features as the years went by.

Behind Rowan, his cousin Enda was holding the hand of a brown-haired boy. It was difficult to tell his exact age, but he looked to be about three. If Rowan was here with his son, then it was a good chance that Lyria would be here, too. The woman was a flower enthusiast, and was practically a walking encyclopedia when it came to flowers. Any questions anyone had, they went to Lyria.

Aelin really did not want to be here. Did not want to have that conversation of why the hell she had left and dropped all communication with them after the wedding.

Aelin hated it, but she adverted her gaze and started to leave. She would have to come here another day—maybe after she called the office to make sure that there was no silver-haired man in attendance.

“Aelin,” Rowan said, his voice raspy from surprise. Gods, she missed his deep voice and the rolling purr of his accent.

Aelin pretended that she didn't hear and made a beeline for the exit. Rowan called her again, and then a third time. Just as she reached the gate, his warm hand landed on her shoulder gently. His hands were still calloused, his hands always doing some type of manual labour work. She wondered briefly if he was still an auto mechanic.

Turning around, Aelin noted the shock in his dark eyes. She gave him a weak smile, not sure what to say.

“What are you—I mean, how are you? Where have you been?”

“I'm good,” Aelin answered after a moment, not really sure how else to respond. “I've been around. What about you?” Somehow, these questions didn't feel like the right ones to ask. Before Rowan could say anything, Olive made herself known, making grunting sounds that meant she wanted attention, so Aelin kissed her hand and said to Rowan, “This is Olive.”

Rowan's eyes dropped down to Olive. “Is she yours?”

Aelin snorted, a sound she hadn't made in so long. It was something she often did around Rowan—or used to, that is. “No, I bought her from the store. Yes, she's mine.”

Rowan's eyes dropped lower, to her ring finger—her empty ring finger. There had never been a ring there. Aelin's traitorous eyes drifted to Rowan's and her heart stopped when she noticed that his ring finger was bare as well—that there was no tan line to suggest that he had only recently removed it.

“I'm doing this on my own,” Aelin found herself saying after a moment.

“As am I,” Rowan said. Aelin cocked her head to the side, annoyed at herself for being curious. “Lyria...Lyria passed away three years ago.”

Aelin's heart shot up to her throat, choking her. Years ago, Aelin had horribly wished that the ring Rowan had purchased was secretly for her and was heartbroken when it wasn't.  In her loneliest moments, she had wished that Rowan and Lyria would break up and somehow find his way to her in Rifthold; but never, never-ever in a million years would she ever have wanted this to happen.

Why the hell hadn't Elide told her? Or anyone else for that matter?

Aelin found her voice after long minutes of just staring at him, processing his words. “Rowan, I am so rutting sorry. I had no idea. Are you...are you okay?”

“I have my good and bad days”. He pointed to the brown-haired boy with Enda, who were both busy inspecting each leaf and flower petal in front of them. “That's Egan, he's a plant lover like his mother.”

Aelin couldn't really see him, but she still said, “He's adorable.”

“He is, and a little terror,” Rowan said, a small smile on his tanned face. After a moment, he turned back to her, and asked, “Are you...doing anything? I'd like to talk, it's been a long time since we have.”

She should say no, but she ended up saying yes.

Taking a deep breath, she followed Rowan back inside the nursery and to the cafe.

X X X X X X

It was turning out to be an ordinary Saturday when Rowan had needed to get out of the house, so he asked Egan if he wanted to go to the nursery and his son had enthusiastically agreed, asking if Uncle Enda could join them. Thankfully, his cousin was free and more than happy to spend time with his nephew.

Never in a million years did he think he would run into Aelin. He had heard the rumours that she transferred back to the publishing house and that was it; there was no mention of her being pregnant. But when Rowan looked up and spotted Aelin, and his eyes immediately dropped to the baby strapped to her chest, his heart had stopped.

He had once wished to have that life with Aelin, exploring the world with their child, one that had Aelin's hair and his eyes; but Rowan never told Aelin how he felt because he knew how badly her last relationship ended, and he didn't want to put any unnecessary stress on her if she didn't feel the same way. Didn't want there to be any chance to ruin their friendship.

And so, he had moved on. Had started dating Lyria and came to love her, but not the same way as he loved Aelin. And when Rowan proposed, he had only done it because his parents were getting older and wanted him to get married, wanted him to have a grandchild.

It was cruel irony that they had both died before Lyria had even given birth.

He was bastard, and he hated himself. Lyria was kind, sweet and gentle—and deserved someone better than him, should have been with a man that truly wanted to marry her for her and not because of family pressures. But he never stopped himself from their relationship moving forward.

But he was doing better, thanks to therapy, because while he may have been a bastard, he didn't want his son to know that. Maybe it made him a bastard to hide this part of himself to his son, but his son was gentle like his mother and Rowan loathed the idea of Egan growing up to hate him.

And as Rowan asked Enda to take Egan home, Rowan could see that Enda thought that this lunch was a bad idea—Rowan had confessed his secrets to his cousin long ago, how he loved Aelin even when he was married to Lyria. How he had wanted that life with her instead.

Rowan knew that he was going to be on the end of a scolding conversation when he got back to his house, but he told Enda that it was going to be okay and that he was fine and could handle this.

Enda sighed heavily through his nose and muttered a 'good luck' under his breath. Rowan planted a kiss of Egan's head and told him that he would be home soon. His son was too excited to spend time with his Uncle to really notice.

When Rowan returned to Aelin's side, they soon found a nice spot in the cafe that was away from others.

It was...painfully awkward for a good while. They only spoke to order their food—scones with jam and cream with a side dish of seasonal fruits for Aelin, and a steak sandwich with fries for Rowan—and then lapsed back into silence.

They ate in silence, too, and Rowan wondered if maybe this was a tremendously bad idea when Aelin said, softly but not weakly, “What happened to Lyria?”

Taking a deep breath, Rowan swirled his fries in the mustard on his plate. He hated this part. “She passed away not long after giving birth. She hemorrhaged and bleed out too quickly for anything to be done. Egan never really got to meet her.”

“I'm sorry,” Aelin said, doing her best to speak over the lump in her throat, “that's horrible. I'm so sorry.”

Years later and Rowan still never really knew what to say to that. Needing to distract himself, he asked, “So, what's your story?”

Before she could say anything, Olive started crying, and without a seconds hesitation, Aelin started feeding her. Some people stared in disapproval and Aelin stared right back, unflinching. He knew that if someone said something, she would spit back. It never made sense to Rowan how people frowned upon breastfeeding. A small smile made its way to Rowan's mouth at the steely look in her stunning eyes. That was the Aelin he knew and loved.

When the strangers turned back around, Aelin looked back at him, the steel in her eyes softening. “I briefly dated my high school boyfriend, Sam, for a while back in Rifthold, and well...the condom broke and Olive made her appearance.” Not the most elegant way to describe the situation, but Aelin figured she had years to think of a better way to explain Olive's appearance if her daughter ever asked.

“And he wants no part of it?” He had no right to ask, but the question left his mouth before he could stop it.

Aelin sighed, and finished feeding Olive and cleaning themselves up before responding. “It's complicated...Sam's father, Arobynn, is a cruel man. He's manipulative and sadistic, but knows how to turn on the charm when it suits him. Sam has been scared of him his entire life, and didn't want Olive to know the fear that he did. So, every month Sam sends money, but he's not on the birth certificate—he doesn't want there to be any paper trails leading to Olive's existence. I had to convince him that it was safer to transfer me the money than to send it through the mail. I send him pictures from time to time, but whether he saves them, I have no idea.” Not to mention the miserable length of the conversation of sending money electronically. Sam was so damned paranoid that Arobynn checked his accounts that Aelin had almost told him not to bother to send anything when he relented. Aelin could provide Olive well enough on her own, but it was helpful to have that extra bit of cash—baby things were expensive as hell.

Aelin bit her lip. She hadn't meant to divulge that much, no one knew that, not even her best friends,  but she didn't regret it. It felt...like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“That's awful, Aelin, I'm sorry to hear that.”

“I just...” She probably shouldn't ask, but out of everyone she knew, none of them were single parents. “Has Egan ever asked about his mother? What do you say to that?”

“He's asked a few times, and I've told him that she passed away when he was little, but I don't think he fully understands what I'm talking about.” Those conversations were the hardest that he ever had to go through, and he knew it would be worst when Egan grew and fully understood what death meant.

“I have no idea what I'll tell Olive when she's older and asks about her dad,” Aelin admitted. “It's not like he's gone, but he is absent and I just...what if she grows up to think he hates her? I think that would kill me if she ever thought that.”

Without thinking, Rowan reached over and too her hand in his. Her hand was soft in his, and he swiped his thumb against her knuckles. “You have a good few years to worry about that. Who knows,” he added, “maybe Sam will be able to get out from his father's shadows and you three can be a family.”

A small smile made its way to Aelin's face. She was more beautiful then he remembered, and he wasn't sure if he should feel guilty for thinking that.

“I like the sound of that, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'd like to think that I can do this on my own.”

“You can, but if you'd like...if you ever need help with something, if you need someone to look after Olive, I could do that for you.”

Silver lined Aelin's eyes as she watched him. “Are you sure? I wouldn't want to intrude.”

“That's what friends are for, aren't they? To help?” And as a single parent himself, he knew how hard it could be raising a child in this hectic world.

Aelin's smile grew. “Okay, I'll keep that in mind. And if we're friends, could you help me find some plants? I'm sick of looking at my boring walls.”

“Okay, I know the perfect ones for you to get—ones that are practically impossible to kill.”

“I'm going to ignore that implication that I can't look after a plant.” Although it was true.

Rowan snorted. “Because you can't. I remember that poor aloe Vera plant that you slaughtered.”

Aelin narrowed her eyes, but he could see just a hint of mirth behind the glare. “I did not slaughter that plant, it just didn't like me!”

Rowan laughed and it was the most freeing sound he made in a long time. After he calmed down, he said, “Come on, let's finish here and I'll help you to liven up your place.”

“Fine, but I better not hear anything about my poor gardening skills or I'll let down your tires.” And she would, he knew, but Rowan just smiled even more.

“It's a deal.”

The conversation moved much more smoothly and Rowan realised how much he missed her. And Aelin realised how much she missed him, too.

Maybe things wouldn't be too bad after-all. It would be nice to have Rowan in her life again, even as a friend, even if she still loved him and knew it could never be, not after everything.

[sapphicmsmarvel]

Ghost Of You

song for this fic: ghost of you

hp masterlist

regular masterlist

Big TW for drug addiction, suicide, grief. 

I wrote this after my sister's death in march, the exact same cause. 

I was just able to finish this three months later, the ending is so abrupt because I don’t know what life is like after this kind of grief. 

We may have disliked each other, but she was still my older sister. 

This is how I'm able to cope, read it or not. Fanfic has saved my life many times and has helped me deal with losses. 

harry potter was the only thing that got me through that, and that is still getting me through that. 

-Fred admired the fact that you loved Ginny as if she were your own sibling.  

-As far as he knew you were an only child. 

-No matter what, you immediately would drop anything to help Ginny. 

-When Fred and George befriended you their first year, they mentioned they have a little sister so you knew of her existence when she came to Hogwarts (as well as Ron but he’ll get his own chapter). 

-Fred and George introduced you two, the twins would never admit it out loud but they were worried about her. She’s the baby of the family. 

-Pretty soon you two had inside jokes, a secret handshake and were able to communicate just by looks. 

-When Fred was dealing with his feelings for you, Ginny called him out on his shit. “Just ask her out.” 

“Gin, do you really think she’ll feel the same?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny what I know.” Was her only response as she walked away.  

-He confessed later that day. 

-12 year old Ginny was a matchmaker for two clueless sixteen year olds. 

-Fred quickly realized that Ginny looked up to you. 

-It made his heart warm. 

-But then he realized something.

-You and him were getting ready for dinner at your home. 

When he turned to you, “Sweetheart?” 

“Yes?” You turned to Fred. 

“I know I’ve never asked you this. But I just realized, some girls I've dated, they immediately would kind of shun Ginny, why did you take to her so quickly?” 

“You were my best friend, why would I reject your younger sister?”

“Even then, why?” 

You sighed. “I never had a good relationship with my older siblings. Hell, they’re out there right now and I’ve never mentioned them to you.”

“Why?” 

“For a reason.” Was all you said. “They abandoned me. My sister she…” You shook your head. “I was expected to raise her two children whenever I was home at the age of fourteen. Notice how I was always stressed at the end of a school year or going home for a holiday?”

“Yeah.” 

“It was because I was helping take care of her children. My parents also raised them. But for some reason, every time she got addicted to drugs again, that expectation went to me. To be their mother. Nobody wanted her to clean up her act, they assumed that I would be the one to take care of them.” 

“What’d your sister do?” He sat next to you.

“What didn’t she do?” You sighed, setting down the photos your Mum sent. “Addicts, they deserve so much help. But then there's my sister, who goes to rehab even though her plan was to get addicted again because she wants to please her parents rather than actually get clean for her children.” You shook your head, “sorry to get so angry, I just hate the people who give mental illnesses a bad name.” 

He held out his hand, you grasped it. “When my magic developed, it was the same dynamic as Lily Potter and her sister. We were close and then...I had magic. There was a chance I wouldn’t because of the fact that my dads a muggle and my mums a witch. Whereas, my brother and sister are technically my half siblings, so they are muggles. When they learned of the Wizarding World, they were excited. New things, magic, blah, blah.” You swallowed.

“Then when I was ten, my brother got up and walked out of my life, never giving a reason. My sister's addiction was hidden for another four years after that. That’s when the chaos started.” 

He nodded and kissed your cheek. You took a deep breath, “I’m honestly glad you asked, my dad texted me, she’s gonna be there tonight.” 

He swallowed, “we’re a team alright? Give a signal and we’ll leave.” 

“What’s the signal?”

“Uh,” he searched for something. “Say Georgie texted you, that he fucked some shit up I don’t know.” He laughed. 

You laughed, “I will.” He kissed you forehead.

-The dinner did not go well. 

-It ended with a horrible fight between your sister and you. So badly that Fred was worried it was about to turn physical. He sat with your nieces, the three of them watching nervously as the bullets of your words slammed into one another. 

-That’s when your sister said they were leaving, took her kids and left. Your dad was furious at you, blaming you for the fight when it was your sister who threw the first dagger. 

You sighed, and looked at Fred, “forgot to tell you, Georgie texted me earlier.” 

-On the drive home, he held your hand. There was no sound coming from either of you, no music as the car flew to your apartment in Diagon Alley. 

-You both walked in your shared apartment, you walked to the bathroom immediately, he got ready for bed. He was worried. You had never been so silent before. 

-You walked out of the bathroom and joined him on the bed. “I’m sorry.” You whispered. “What for?” 

“For making you endure that stupid fight.” 

“Never apologize for standing your ground.” He kissed your cheek.

“I love you.” You said. 

“I love you too, how about we go to the Burrow tomorrow, have the day with some family and relax. We can head over tomorrow morning.”

“They won't mind?”

“Like our family needs an excuse.” He wrapped you in his arms and you two dozed off. 

-And then while you were at the burrow, you got a text message. 

It was the worst day of your life. 

Call me sweetheart. 

It was your mom, you excused yourself to a greenhouse the Weasleys had added to their house. You called her:

“Mum? What’s up?” 

“She's dead, sweetheart.” 

“What?” Your heart stopped, you knew in your gut who it was. You knew but yet, you still had hope she wasn’t gone. 

Your mother then confirmed your worst fear, that your sister was dead. 

You numbingly agreed to your Mums idea of coming home for a couple weeks. And then said you needed a moment. 

Your Mum agreed. While your sister wasn’t even her child, she felt for you. 

You set your phone down on the glass table and sat down on the wicker couch. 

You held your head in your hands. 

You had a horrible fight with her the night before, she died thinking you hated her. She died thinking there would be no hope for your relationship. 

She died thinking her little sister wanted her gone. 

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. 

Your memories began to play on autopilot, of what she was like before the addiction, of being happy and actually having a relationship with each other. 

Oh god, her kids. 

Before your mind could spiral anymore, you felt a hand on your shoulder. You looked up with tears in your eyes at Fred, who immediately wrapped you in his arms. 

“What is it?” 

“She’s gone.” You whispered. You weren’t sobbing, your tears were a constant river down your cheeks. 

“Who, love?” 

Then you said your sister's name, and he squeezed you tighter. You felt him press kisses to your hair. 

After 30 minutes, his twin came looking. Fred immediately sheltered you away from the eyes of someone else. Fred began whispering to George what had happened. 

Your phone began to buzz with messages, you silenced your phone immediately. 

Fred walked over as George stood in the doorway in complete shock. “Georgies gonna distract the family while you head upstairs. I’ll talk to them.” 

You nodded, he kissed your cheek.

You numbly walked up to Fred and George’s room to hide away from people to deal with your feelings. You crawled into Fred’s bed, enjoying the warmth and the smell of cinnamon that drowned your senses. 

About thirty minutes later, you heard a knock on the door, you did not have the energy to turn around. It opened. 

“Y/N/N?” Ginny's gentle voice whispered the nickname only she could call you. 

“Hey Gin.” You whispered, not turning around. 

You heard the door shut, then you heard her soft footsteps as she walked to the bed. You felt the bed dip as she sat down. “Sister time?” 

You nodded and turned around, she immediately laid down next to you, she pulled a blanket on top of you two. You two were facing each other. 

“Fred told you I assume?” You laughed without any humor behind it. 

She nodded, “they told us all.” 

“How did George distract you?” 

She rolled her eyes, “the idiot ran outside and slipped in mud so we’d all go find him and laugh or help out.” 

Your laugh cracked as it left your mouth. “He looked scared when he found Freddie and I.” 

“We thought you guys were fighting.” She admitted. 

You huffed a laugh through your nose. She asked, “are you okay?”

“I dont know.” You said helplessly. “We didn’t have a good relationship, her and I. I’m more emotionally drained right now. I cried it all out in Fred’s arms earlier. At least she’s not in pain anymore.” You said sadly. “Addiction is a true mental illness, I wish more people cared about these people.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea how to respond to I’m sorries so imagine I'm sending you heart emojis right now.” 

She nodded. “Do you need me to do anything?” 

“No, unless you can respond to my extended family texting me right now with their useless prayers and words.” 

“I can if you want me to.” 

“Oh yeah? What will you say?”

“Stop shoving words down her throat and let the girl breathe.” 

You two giggled, “I have half a mind to let you do that.”

“Say the word and it’s done.”

“I love you, Gin.”

“I love you too.” 

The two of you continued to talk, about your sister and what happened between you two. About a quidditch match, anything. 

The morning of the funeral, Freddie sat down next to you on the twin bed you two had to share at your parents house. 

“What’s on your mind?”

“I think I've figured out the worst part of this situation.” 

“What?” 

“That we’ll never know if it was a suicide or not.” 

He gripped your hand tighter. 

At the funeral, you had Ginny holding one hand, and Fred holding the other. The other Weasley’s were all in attendance, even Percy. Fleur came out with Bill as well as Charlie. 

You didn't realize how concerned every single Weasley sibling was. Percy had never seen you so stoic, Fleur and Bill had never witnessed you be so withdrawn, Hermione and Ron have never seen you so emotionless, so cold to your surroundings. George was concerned for his new sister, Ginny was feeling for you, her best friend. Harry was grieving for you, his older sister figure. 

Fred hated seeing you so unlike yourself. 

Her kids sat with their step-siblings. So you sat with the Weasleys. Molly and Arthur cried, not just for your sister, but they knew you lost a piece of yourself with her that you’d never get back. 

Your father and you had never had a lovey relationship, even with his daughter dead, your guard was so high up you couldn’t bring it down to give an affection to anyone but Freddie. 

Your older sister's funeral was an event that you had not planned for. 

You would now grow older than your older sister. 

-After the funeral you and the girls were in your bedroom. Fred knew you needed some girl time. The boys and parents were downstairs with yours. 

“I don’t know where to go from here.” You admitted. 

They all looked at you in response, you continued. “Even though we didn’t like each other, I always thought she’d be there.” You felt the painful prickle of tears. You sniffed. Ginny reached for your hand. 

With your free hand, you gestured to the bag in the corner. “That’s her bag, I have to go through that. I can’t make my parents do it.” 

“We’re here for you.” Hermione said. 

“I can still feel her, like her ghost is following me everywhere.” You confessed.

“I wish we had another chance at being sisters.” 

The ending is so abrupt because I can’t relive the feelings I had after my sister's death. The last line of this sums it up though.

[lilyofthestyx]

Fighting For Tomorrow: Chapter Six

Disclaimer: Still haven’t bought AOT but I’m working on it! 

AN: this. is a doozy of a chapter- i know. lots. and lots. and lots of words. but DAMN if i didnt love every part of it. however! if you guys prefer smaller chapters please please please dont hesitate to say something. seriously. id love to write you guys more frequent, smaller chapters but if you guys like the longass, slightly infrequent chapters then they shall continue. just say the word bby. also i felt kinda poetic in some of these sections so if you see reader gettin fancy with her verbage, don’t trip. that was my bad. 

Reiner x Fem!Reader, eventual Captain Levi x Fem!Reader, Sasha x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 10k (i finished this at 2 am today before class and nearly passed out at the sight ‘10,008 words’ when i pulled up my word counter. CH-YOW this a big boy)

TW: gore/blood/violence/death, adult language/swearing, slight PTSD, mental anguish, self-harm, grief, nightmares, insomnia, hysterics, horse accident

You can read parts one, two, three, four, and five just by tapping the lovely numbers!

   The flames crackle and rage before us, engulfing our comrades’ bodies in scarlet and gold waves. 

   Engulfing Marco’s body. 

   Jean had found him. Just… laying there. Up against a building. No one had seen him die, no one knew how he died, just that he did. Marco- our comrade, our friend... my friend- just gone. Taken from us. There was no valiant deed. There was no heroism. There was no triumphant story. Nothing. He just… died. 

   And that’s the worst part. 

   He was taken from us and no one knows how. No one knows why. 

   Marco was one of the first comrades I got close to. We were competitive- always fighting to outdo each other. I’d train two hours, he’d train three. He’d pass the ODM test after four tries, I’d pass it in three. Back and forth, back and forth. 

   But if we faced something bigger than us- if there was an exercise we couldn’t quite pin down, if there was another Cadet giving us problems, if one of our squad members were injured- we’d always come together to beat it. It was always like that. 

   He was like my little brother. 

   I scoff at myself. They all are like my younger siblings. Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Connie, even Annie and Bertholdt. They’re all family and losing Marco… it was like losing a brother. 

   I did lose a brother. 

   My brother is among the flames- being turned to ash before my eyes. Marco is gone. Taken from me. Robbed from me. From everyone. His intellect, his kindness, his leadership. All of it gone. Taken from humanity. 

   We’re just kids. 

   Marco was just a kid. 

   All of us- bright-eyed kids wanting to do our best for humanity. To take back what was stolen from us. To serve humanity. We didn’t know how much hate, how much horror was waiting for us. To watch our comrades- our family and friends- be torn apart in front of us. To lose the ones closest to us in unspeakable carnage. 

   All we wanted was to do something for humanity. 

   All Marco wanted was to do something for humanity.

   He was just a kid.

   Tears are streaming down my face as we all watch the flames consume the bodies of fallen soldiers. I can hear the crackling of wood, feel the heat on my skin. But the crackling is distant and the heat is faint. My chest feels empty and cold. 

   I lost Marco. I lost Hannah. I lost Franz. 

   And I’ll never get them back.

   But I’ll be damned if I allow anyone else to be taken from me. 

   The Commander roars and rages before us, engulfing us in his words. They burn and singe like fire as they cross the Cadets’ ears. I can hear them whispering among themselves- asking if he’s serious or if he’s crazy or already resigning themselves to the Garrison. 

   It doesn’t matter what they say. 

   I’m joining the Scouts. Commander Erwin’s words are a comfort, a pleasant yet caveat warmth. Like a candle sitting beside a curtain. I know what I’m signing up for. I’ve always known. But it doesn’t mean I’ll be giving it all up now. 

   “I’ve made my decision.”

   My eyes turn away from the Commander, landing on Reiner’s form beside me. His gaze is still stuck on the Commander, back straight and shoulders squared. I turn my gaze back to the Commander- not wanting to be chewed out by a commanding officer for not paying attention. “...really?” I ask quietly, “Where are you-?”

   “The Scouts.”

   My eyes are back on him. “What?” I hiss, “Reiner, you can’t... throw away your shot at the Military Police- you worked so hard, why would you-?”

   “Eren was right,” he says quietly. I can feel his chest fill with breath before he chuckles. “They don’t need our skills so far away from the walls. They need us where we’re at use- where the people are.”

   “Rei, please, please,” I whisper, “Please don’t do this.”

   “Why not?” Reiner chuckles again, “You want me gone?”

   “It’s not like that,” I shoot back, “I just…”

   “You just what?”

   “...I don’t wanna lose anyone else.”

   “...you won’t.”

   “You can’t know that… I’m already worried about Eren and Armin and Mikasa- if I have to worry about anyone else-”

   “You don’t need to worry about me, darling… Because we’re going to get through this,” I can feel his finger graze the side of my hand before his hand takes mine. “Together.”

   A shaky exhale leaves my mouth as I close my eyes. “...together,” I whisper as shivers run down my spine.

   “That’s right, darling.”

   “...those who wish to join other divisions are dismissed.”

   Shuffles of feet scurry past me as I remain. I can feel their gazes, their judging glares and confused looks. They mumble to themselves. ‘Insane’, ‘crackpots’, ‘suicidal’, ‘deathwish’. Nervously, I swallow and grip Reiner’s hand tighter. 

   I can feel his smile. Proud and bright like the sun. Warming like the sun. Relaxation smoothes out over my skin as I soak it in. 

   I’ve done it. Finally. After years of fighting and hoping and wishing and dreaming about this very moment, I’m here. 

   The crowd clears out and a scattering of us remains. My eyes dart to each of the figures in the hopes of identifying my fellow crackpots.

   Reiner. Armin. Mikasa. Bertholdt. Ymir. Christa. Sas-

   My heart stops. 

   Sasha. Connie. Jean. 

   What the Hell are they doing here?! They were supposed to join the Military Police. They were going to, weren’t they?! Why are they still here?! Why aren’t they walking away? 

   At the very base of my stomach, something churns. Quickly and violently. 

   I think I’m gonna be sick. 

   I’m already going to be looking out for Armin, Eren, and Mikasa- I came to accept that long ago- but now Sasha? And Reiner? Connie and Jean, too?

   Most of everyone I’ve ever loved has just signed their hearts and bodies away to the Scouts- to nearly certain death. 

   There has to be a way to change their minds, right? There has to be. 

   ...but there isn’t, is there?

   They heard the statistics. They know how many have died in the Scouts. They know all the facts, all the dirtiest of details. 

   And they stayed.

   Gods, why did they stay?

   I’ll drag each of them out of here by their ears, kicking and screaming, if I have to. I already lost Marco and Hanna and Franz. I don’t think I could take losing them, too. 

   But if they truly want to- if they know the risk and want to dedicate their hearts just like I am… why would I stop them?

   I should be proud. 

   They’re- we all are- dedicating ourselves to the better future humanity deserves. To the eradication of Titans. To the freedom we all hunger for. 

   “Very well!” Commander Erwin’s voice booms out over us. “I welcome you- the newest recruits of the Scout Regiment!” His fist slams against his chest in a tight salute, “This is my real salute! Dedicate your hearts to the cause!”

   The group moves as one as we all strike our fists to our chests. 

   My eyes glide from the Commander to Sasha once more. 

   She’s shaking. I can hear her stifled sobs from here. 

   But she remains firm in her spot. 

   She’s made her decision. 

   And I can accept that. 

   I lay awake. Moonlight flickers through the window- inching towards the other side of the room. It’s late and I’m exhausted but even when I am, I can’t sleep. There’s too much screaming in my head. Too much gore. Too much carnage that I can only barely remember. The only things that do remember are my heart and lungs- hammering and pounding and stretching to the fullest in the wake of whatever nightmare slinked back into the recesses of my mind. 

   Reiner stirs in his sleep and wraps his arms around my waist. Tucking me into him, he sighs and buries his head into my neck. “...can’t sleep?” he mumbles. His voice is deep. Deeper than usual, with a gentle rumble to it. 

   “No,” I whisper back, shrinking into him.

   “Wanna talk about it?”

   I stay silent. No. No, I really, really, really, really don’t want to. Talking about whatever bothers me is like pulling teeth. It feels like a burden that I’m casting onto someone else. And with Reiner… he’s burdened enough already. He’s everyone’s big brother. Everyone’s confidant. He shoulders responsibilities and punishments for others- never once thinking about himself. 

   But he’s exhausted. All the time, exhausted. And he’s so good at hiding it. Even around me. But I can see it. The way his golden eyes go hazy at times, the way his shoulders sag and the way things slip his mind. The way he can become an entirely different person with terrifying speed. 

   It scares me how much I think he carries. Because when he breaks… it’ll be cataclysmic. 

   Reiner’s lips slide up my shoulder and neck, pressing gentle kisses against my skin. “...well?”

   But maybe he’ll open up to me if I take the step first. Maybe I’ll show him that there’s nothing to worry about- that I’m not going anywhere and that he can talk to me about anything. Everything. 

   “...I’ve… I’ve been having nightmares.” 

   His kisses stop where they are, lips still pressed to my skin for a moment before pulling away. His grip on me gets tighter as he pulls me closer. Reiner lets his head rest in the crook of my neck and sighs. “...what about?”

   I laugh quietly, letting my fingers trail against his forearm. “...I don’t remember most of them but… there is one that comes back… every now and then.”

   “I’m listening, darling.”

  Slowly, I take a breath. My eyes close as I remember the details of the dream. “...it always starts off the same… I’m in a throne room and there’s a person at my feet. Sometimes… it’s a woman and other times it’s a man and other times, I can’t tell which, but… there’s always someone at my feet,”

   “And they’re always crying,” I whisper, eyebrows drawing together and I grip his forearm. “Sobbing and pleading for mercy. A-...And I…” My voice quivers as tears start to flow from my eyes. “I… just… I don’t even know, I just… I see this… light- red light- come from their eyes and they just… they convulse and thrash around for a moment- screaming and crying and begging- before… before they…,”

   “...before they die at my feet,” I whisper brokenly, eyes open and staring out into the distance as the scene replays. “And when they finally die… I look up… and there’s… corpses. Thousands upon thousands of corpses, Rei… All piled up on top of each other and in writhing rigidity. As far as I could see- there were bodies- and… and somehow I know that… that I… I had… somehow I know that I was the one that killed them all.”

   “I’m your squad leader, Ness,” the man before us states before clapping a hand onto the horse towering beside him. “And this! Is my horse, Chalet…” 

   My eyes drift away from him, blankly settling on the various horses in their stalls behind me. I’ve tuned him out… I should probably listen to whatever he has to say. But… I’m so tired. Another night of staring at the ceiling while listening to Reiner snore and watching Bertholdt contort himself into a coil across the room. 

   I don’t know how many sleepless nights I have left. 

   My body lurches forward slightly as someone nudges me from behind. I turn to face whoever it was. Jean is towering over me with a smirk on his face as he pretends to be watching Squad Leader Ness. “...what the hell was that for?” I mutter, facing forward.

   “You were falling asleep again,” he chuckles quietly, “Another… late night?”

   I scoff and shake my head, “You’re a child.”

   “You didn’t say ‘no’.”

   “No, Jean,” I hiss, “I just… couldn’t sleep.”

   I can feel him deflate slightly behind me. “...oh…”

   “Yeah.”

   “...I get them, too.”

   “I really hope you don’t.”

   Connie, standing beside me, scoots closer. “What’re we talkin’ about?”

   Jean answers at the same time as I do. “Sex.”

   “Food.”

   Connie’s eyebrows furrow slightly as he risks a glance at me. “...huh?”

   I sigh and roll my eyes, “We were talking about-”

   “Did someone say ‘food’?” Sasha whispers excitedly behind me. 

   I sigh and roll my eyes again. “You three are-”

   “Hilarious.”

   “Your favorites.”

   “Really hungry.”

   Groaning softly, I shake my head at their responses. “Gods… I thought Armin, Eren, and Mikasa were a lot… then I had to get you knuckleheads thrown in, too.”

   “Now!” Ness states, looking significantly more disheveled than he did a few minutes ago. Adjusting the bandana around his head, he huffs and stands up straight. “Follow me and I’ll show you to your dorms- and then you’ll be introduced to your horses.”

   He walks off, leading us between the stables and the looming walls of the castle. My eyes trail up the crumbling stone- plants and vines and flowers managing their way through the cracks- and over the rolling hills dotted with trees. Sunlight floods the stone courtyard, basking us all in its warmth.

   It reminds me of home. 

   Not Shiganshina- but of the modest cottage in the forest. I smile to myself, watching Sasha bother Jean with Connie’s help just in front of me. I remember playing with her in the trees. We made and marked that forest. There isn’t a tree in that entire forest we haven’t carved up with arrows and knives or with the undersides of our shoes as we climbed their roots and limbs. Sasha would be afraid at first- of foxes or wolves or falling or tripping. But as soon as I took her hand and led her to the sunlight, to the tops of the trees, to the very breath of the sky… she’d always hunger for more. To go to the brightest spot in the forest, to climb the highest tree, to scale the steepest cliff. 

   My smile starts to fade slightly. 

   She’s even more afraid than she used to be… did I cause that? Does she even remember? She was young when I left… Does she remember when she scraped her knee and told her that she was now one with the forest- that its blood was in her and her blood in it? Does she remember that first tree we climbed together? Does she remember the nights we would run barefoot around the dew-covered clearings in the heart of the woods with no light to guide us except that of the moon? Does she remember what it was like to not be afraid?

   Will we ever get to go back…?

   The group stops. Ness smiles at us and points down the hallway to our left. “Down this hallway are the boys’ rooms,” he points to the hallway to our right. “And down this one is the girls’.” He chuckles and turns back to us. “There is… one other thing.”

   Uh oh. 

   “There’s only one bathroom.”

   I stifle a groan. It’s a goddamn castle. How in the walls is that even possible- one bathroom, my ass.

   “Well… only one that’s in good enough shape to be used, anyway. ‘sides the officers’ bathroom...” Ness admits, a sheepish smile growing on his lips as he rubs the back of his head. “You’re welcome to fix up the other ones, though! ...although, I think you’d need help…” Ness continues muttering more to himself than anyone else. 

   One bathroom. Unbelievable. I growl under my breath as Ness marches us back out into the courtyard. You’d think Captain Shortstack would be all over the renovations of this place- bathrooms included. 

   Whatever. It’s not like I shower when everyone else does, anyway. There’s always a possibility I could sneak into the officers’ bathroom like when we were in training… And there was that river...

   “I can see you already coming up with a plan,” Sasha appears next to me, lowering her voice. “What’re ya thinkin’?”

   I laugh softly, nudging her arm with my elbow. “Nothing regarding food.”

   Sasha pouts slightly, “Fine… then what’re ya thinkin’ about?”

   “Just plannin’ my way into the officers’ bathroom.”

   “Oooh,” Sasha laughs maliciously. “Do you think they’ll have hot water?”

   I sigh, closing my eyes and imagining the steam and feel of hot water cascading down my body. Hot water was a privilege in the Cadet Corps. ...one that was constantly being robbed from me. I’d mostly show up after everyone had already showered, praying that maybe I’d have even a moment to myself to unwind- and to not be stared at. And nearly every time, I bathed in freezing cold water. But there were a few times where I’d be wrapped in steam, delicate streams of hot water warming my frigid body. 

   ...now that I think about it, those ‘few times’ were whenever Reiner would wake me up early to get in the shower before everyone else.

   “Gods,” I mumble, looking at Reiner as he walks with Bertholdt and Annie. “I really hope so, ‘tato-muncher.”

   As if he felt my gaze on him, Reiner turns around and smiles. I return the smile with a scrunch of my nose. Reiner’s eyes glide behind me for a second, returning to me before darting back behind me. I turn around to follow his gaze. 

   Eren. 

   Eren runs straight for us, green cape flaring out behind him as he charges towards the group. Our eyes meet and his pace increases. My hand latches onto Sasha’s sleeve and tugs, “‘Tato! ‘Tato, look!” I laugh, slapping Connie’s shoulder. “Look who it is!”

   Connie and Sasha turn around and I can hear the others turn along with them. Armin and Mikasa greet him first, taking him into their arms and speaking quietly amongst themselves for a moment. When they break away, Eren’s smile widens as he looks over us. 

   “...you’re all here?” he asks quietly, smile slightly fading. “You all joined the Scouts?”

   “Well, yeah,” I laugh, “Why else would we be here- shits ‘nd giggles?”

   Eren rolls his eyes before scanning over us again. “Wait… if you’re all here… That means Jean, Marco, and Annie all joined the Military Police.”

   My heart plummets like a rock into my stomach. That’s right. He wasn’t there for the funeral. He doesn’t know. 

   The remaining section of our group walks up behind Eren- Jean leading them all. Eren turns around and groans. “Not you, too.”

   Jean doesn’t react. His face unreadable and voice flat, he rips the bandage off. “Marco’s dead.”

   “...what?” Eren mumbles, “What did you just… What’d you just say? Did you say Marco died?”

   Jean’s voice stays still as he continues.

   “Seems like not everyone can die a dramatic death.”

   “You don’t think it’s weird?” I laugh, picking up a section of hay and starting back towards the stable. “We know everyone, every thing’s position in the formation except Eren’s- arguably the most volatile and important piece of information to have. That isn’t the least bit confusing to you?”

   Reiner shrugs, taking the hay from my hands. “Dunno… I haven’t really thought about it.”

   I huff and shake my head, stepping in front of him and taking the hay back. “I can carry it,” I mutter, looking at the ridges growing in his face. “And by the look on your face, you have been thinking about it.” I turn around, lifting the hay over the stable door and onto the growing pile just beside my horse. 

   My horse nudges me with his nose, huffing. I smile and rub my hand up and down his nose, “...needy, aren’t we?” I whisper softly. 

   “Ya gonna give him a name?” Reiner asks, patting his hand against the horse’s neck. 

   Peeking down under the horse’s neck, I squint up at him. “You didn’t answer me.”

   Reiner rolls his eyes and walks away, sighing. “You didn’t ask anything.”

   “I asked if you were thinking about why we weren’t being filled in on Eren’s location in the formation.”

   “Technically, you didn’t ask,” he shoots back. 

   My eyes lock with his in an intense stare. “...we really gonna do this right now?” I ask quietly, still petting my horse.

   Reiner sighs and looks away, running a hand through his hair. I turn back to my horse, letting my forehead rest against his cheek. Reiner sighs again. The three of us stand in silence- only my horse breaking the silence with occasional huffs and flicks of his tail.

   “...I have been thinking about it,” Reiner finally mumbles. “But… not like you have.”

   Here we go again with him being all cryptic and skittish and avoidant. I am so sick of this game. 

   “Then how have you been thinking about it, Reiner?” I hiss, lifting my head off my horse and looking into his large grey eye. “All the time- just when I think you’re gonna open up to me about what’s going on in that…” I sigh frustratedly, “That… that… stupid, thick, adorable, blond head’a yours you just… you shut me back out again. And it’s so goddamn irritating, Rei,” I admit with a slight squeak in my voice. 

   Slowly, I turn to face him, gaze dropping down to the ground. “...I’ve been… I’ve been so open with you. More open than I have with anyone in my whole life- except, I dunno... Sasha- but I just… It’d be nice to have some’a that returned.”

   I can hear him get closer to me. Gently, his arms wrap around me and tuck me into his chest. I’m swallowed in his embrace as he runs his fingers up and down my back. “...okay,” he whispers, “okay, darling… I’ll… I’ll try and open up to you, okay? I’ll…” he trails off and sighs, tightening his hold on me as he places his chin on the top of my head. 

   “I know how hard it is, and… I… I’m not trying to force it out of you or anything… I just… I want to help you,” I whisper quietly. “And I promise you, Rei...I’m not going anywhere.”

   There’s a coldness in his laugh. It leaves his lips like ice and falls to the floor like daggers. “Thank you, darling. Just…,” Reiner takes my shoulders, pushing us apart. His gold eyes have slightly lost their luster as they peer deep into me. I squirm slightly in his stare, eyebrows furrowing. “You have to understand that there is a lot happening- something... bigger, darling.”

   I blink and tilt my head slightly to the side.  “Did you… did you get another assignment?” I ask quietly, “Something under the table?”

   Reiner is quiet for a moment, eyes flicking between mine. “...yes. Something under the table- from people higher than the Captain.”

   My eyes widen slightly. Is this what’s been weighing on him for so long? That’s why he’s been missing at times? What he’s been trying to tell me? Another assignment that he can’t talk about, even with me-

   Oh gods. 

   I feel like a total ass.

   “Who…?” I ask quietly, taking note of the way he straightens up to scan around us before shrinking back down. 

   Reiner scoots us back, tucking me up against the stable door. “I… I can’t tell you but… you understand that, right, darling?” He asks hopefully, a small lilt to his voice. Gently, his fingers trail my face and a small smile crosses my face. His lips mirror mine. 

   “I understand that, love,” I hum, leaning into his touch. “I do… I do have another question.”

   Reiner smiles wider, lovingly staring down at me. “What is it, darling?”

   Nervous claws at my stomach. 

   I shouldn’t ask this.

   Why? He’s finally being open with me- willing to at least tell me what’s wrong. Shouldn’t I-

   No. There’s something bigger here. Don’t. Ask. 

   “__________?” 

   I swallow my fear and meet his gaze. “...I heard you the night after the first clean-up operation,” I admit quietly, “with Annie and Bertholdt.”

   Reiner’s eyes darken, dropping down and avoiding my gaze. “...how much did you...?”

   “Not much,” I laugh nervously, “Just you guys arguing about telling me… and Annie saying to only tell me when you’re sure of how I’d feel.”

   With a sigh of relief, he closes his eyes and smiles. He quickly presses his lips to my forehead. “Okay, okay… Okay… Sorry, I just… I don’t need t’get... chewed out for that.”   I chuckle softly, “So… that big’a deal, huh?”

   Reiner laughs, “Yes. That big of’a deal.”

   “...so… it’s you, Annie, and Bertholdt,” I mumble, picking at the leather strap running down his chest. “Anyone else that I know?”

   “No, just us three.”

   “Am… am I in danger?” I ask jokingly, “All this secrecy- it makes me wonder.”

   Reiner doesn’t laugh with me. 

   “Rei?” I call, looking up at him. “...am I?”

   His eyes slide down to me, a small smile on his lips. “...stick with me, darling- I’ll keep ya safe.”

   “...what?”

   “There’s a lot at work here, __________,” Reiner sighs, his eyes going hazy for a second as he relives whatever is ‘at work’. Blinking, he focuses back on me. “But I can keep you safe. I’ve been keeping you safe.”

   What does this even mean? Are there people I can’t trust? If that’s true, then what? What am I supposed to do? Be some tiny little doll cowering in fear behind him? I hate being treated like some weak, fragile, defenseless thing. And what if he gets hurt protecting me? What then? What if something goes wrong and he ends up being blamed for something he didn’t do? 

   And what about Sasha? 

   “...what about my sister? What about her? Who’s gonna keep her safe?” I ask, clutching the fabric covering his chest, “If anything happens to Sasha, I…”

   “Nothing’s gonna happen to Sasha,” Reiner hums quietly, “We’re gonna keep her safe.”

   “And Eren? Mikasa? Armin? What about the boys? If any of them get hurt, Rei, I just… I don’t think I could…”

   “__________,” he says firmly, catching my attention. Slowly, my eyes slide up to meet his again. They’re gentle and glowing in the fading sunlight. His hand trails down my face again, leaving a buzzing wake behind it. 

   “You need to trust me.”

   I swallow and nod quickly. “Okay, yes, okay… Okay, you’re right. We… We are all gonna be okay.”

   Reiner chuckles and lets his chin rest on the top of my head as he tucks me into his chest again. 

   “That’s my girl.”

   “Oiii!” I yell, waving a hand over my head. “Ponytail!”

   Eld’s head starts swiveling around, looking for whoever called him. With a gentle kick of my horse, he trots closer. “Eld!” I call again, sliding off the side of my horse. My feet hit the dirt just in front of him as I straighten up, shaking a few stray hairs out of my eyes. “It’s good to see ya again.”

   Eld smiles and chuckles, gesturing down to the emerald green cape around my shoulders. “So you made it.”

  I look down and rub the fabric between my fingers. A smile crosses my face as I look back up to him. “Just like I dreamed I would.”

   “You’re in pretty high spirits,” Oluo scoffs as he walks by with a supply box. Setting it down into a wagon, he huffs and turns to face us. “Considering we’ll all be facing death in a few hours.”

   “Always the charmer, huh?” I mutter quietly, earning a small laugh from Eld. “And if you have t’know, I’m just happy we’re one step closer to going outside the walls…” I smile to myself, imagining the places Armin used to talk about. Fire water, ice hills, saltwater that goes on for so long even the merchants couldn’t drain all the salt from it. 

   I think that’ll be my favorite. ‘Sea’.

   Oluo scoffs again. “Bright-eyed, suicidal recruit… Just don’t get someone else killed, will ya?”

   “What the hell’s that supposed t’mean?” I snap back. 

   Oluo smiles crookedly, realisation splitting his face like a piece of china. “Struck a nerve, huh?,” he laughs, “Better get rid of those if you wanna make it.”

   “Bold talk for someone that’s too insecure to keep his own personality,” I mutter, rolling my eyes. I turn my attention back to Eld- who’s gone awfully quiet as the two of us went at it. A blush is back on his cheeks and I can see him fidgeting with his gaze in an effort to mind his own business. 

   “...uhm…” He mumbles as his eyes catch someone walking behind me. “This is Petra!” Eld blurts, tugging a woman by the arm. “The one that checked on you when you were, uh… asleep.”

   “In a coma, more like,” I laugh, dipping my head to the woman. She has ginger hair cut just above her shoulders and soft, kind eyes. There’s something about her that reminds me so much of a deer for some reason. 

   Petra’s eyes suddenly light up as she looks over me again. “I remember you- you’re __________! I didn’t know you had your heart set on the Scouts. Which is surprising… considering how much Eld talks about you.”

   Eld’s face goes even redder. He stands rigidly, eyes fixated on the horizon. 

   ...I think he just went into shock. 

   “Well, thank you,” I hum, giving Petra another smile. “For checking in on me.”

   Petra shakes her head, “It wasn’t any issue at all.”

   I dip my head again and lightly punch Eld’s shoulder. “Hopefully you told her the story of how I kicked your and Oluo’s asses.”

   Petra tilts her head slightly to the side before a wicked smile crosses her lips. “...I don’t think I’ve heard that one, __________. Please, tell me.”

   “Well, I was walking down an alleyway when-”

  “That’s good!” Eld suddenly yelps, “Thank you so much, __________, for stopping by, but the Captain’s calling us!”

   Petra giggles as Eld walks behind her, pushing her by the shoulders. Captain Shortstack Jackass is watching them with his arms crossed over his chest, eyebrows furrowed. He very obviously didn’t call either of them. “You’ll have to tell me when we get back!” Petra calls. 

   “Of course!” I laugh, watching as Eld goes even redder. Petra waves over his shoulder and I do the same before mounting my horse. I give his neck a gentle pat and urge him forward- back towards the stable. 

  “You... need a name, Horse,” I mutter as we trot past the various wagons and other Scouts getting their horses and gear ready. “All horses have names… I guess.”

   Horse huffs at me. 

   “Well… you’re…” I look down at his coat as we start to pick up speed. It shimmers in the sunlight, revealing the faint speckles of black and grey under his cream-colored coat. “You’re cream and you’ve got freckles. And last I checked, you have grey-” Horse looks over slightly at me, light-brown eyes glistening. “Sorry… brown eyes. And black mane and tail.”

   My eyes flick up, locking onto the figure standing just a few feet in front of my horse. Gripping the reins, I tug back to stop Horse from trampling whoever is in front of me. Instead, I feel myself being shot forward and colliding with the ground. Pain shoots out from my arm, branching out in heated flashes. 

   I roll onto my back and stare up at the clouds as they lazily float by. “Gods…” I mutter to myself, “That sucked.”

   “Told you I’m better at handling horses than you.”

   I sit straight up. My head on a swivel, I look around for the voice. It sounded just like… It couldn’t have been- no. No, I’m just-

   My eyes land on him. Standing just a couple feet away, with a green Scouts cape on over his shoulders and ODM gear strapped on. He laughs, walking closer and shaking his head. “Jeez, __________, you’ll really get yourself killed if you keep trying to keep up with me.”

   “Freckles?” I whisper.

   Marco smiles and laughs again, “Really hit your head hard, didn’t you?”

   “Freckles?” I whisper again, reaching out to touch him.

   This isn’t real. It can’t be real. He’s dead. Bit in half. Died alone. Left in the sun to rot for days. He’s dead. 

   “Ah, jeez, you really did hit your head hard,” Marco mumbles, crouching down beside me. “We gotta get you to Sasha. She’s got some experience with injuries, doesn’t she…? And I won’t even tell Reiner! It’ll just be between us, okay?” He asks, worriedly scanning my face. 

   “Freckles, you… You… You aren’t here.”

   “What are ya talkin’ about? I’m right here, remember? We were practicing horseback riding and maneuvering. Don’t you remember the bet we had?”

   Wait a moment.

   This was real.

   This… this happened already, why am I…?

   “...it was my haul from the Commandant’s office,” I whisper, “The… the fountain pen. You’d… you’d take it if I couldn’t pull off a sharp turn and activate my ODM gear while jumping off my horse.”

   Tears start to cloud my vision as I stare up at him. “You aren’t really here,” I croak, “Are you?”

   Marco shakes his head.

   “...I miss you, Freckles,” I smile, tears slipping down my face as I look up at him. My hand brushes through his cheek- like he was a colored mist- but his smile remains. “Gods, I miss you.”

   “You’ll see us again.”

   I nod, feeling my tears start down the sides of my face. “...tell Franz and Hanna I said ‘hi’.”

  “I will.”

   “And you… you stay outta trouble, you hear me?” I laugh, tears choking me at the base of my chest. 

   “You’re the one that needs to stay outta trouble.”

   I nod and laugh again, shaking my head.

   “...take… take care’a the others for me, will you?” I nod silently. Marco looks up as Horse trots closer. “It’s time for me to go. Just… close your eyes, okay?”

   My eyes slide closed before voices start to swarm around me. Bleeding into one another, it makes it so damned hard to hear what anyone is actually saying. All I can do is feel. 

   And someone’s got me by the shoulders, shaking me pretty damned hard. 

   I open my eyes to see familiar faces. “...I’ve got to stop waking up to you guys looking down at me like I’ve died.”

   The four of them sigh. 

   “If you die because of a stupid horse incident, I’ll never forgive you,” Jean mutters, getting to his feet and walking away. I can hear him muttering about ‘how stupid’ of a funeral that would be. 

   “What?” I laugh, wincing at the pain shooting from above my left eye. My fingers graze the spot- only to pull away with a scarlet coloring. 

   Ah, shit. 

   “So,” Reiner grumbles, scooping me off the ground effortlessly. “You and your horse have a bit of an issue?”

   I scoff, curling into myself as my head starts to pound. 

   “No?” He asks as we walk towards the castle. “Then what the Hell kind of stunt were you tryin’a pull?”

   “I-,” I stop and groan, clutching my temples as they begin to sear. “I… I thought… I thought I saw someone.”

   Reiner looks down at me as he pushes the castle door open with his back. Eyebrows furrowed, eyes flicking over every inch of me. It’s the same damn look as every other time I’ve gotten hurt. Which… arguably… is a lot of times. 

   The ODM incident where I almost cracked my skull open on a tree branch. 

   The time I slipped and fell in the bathroom. 

   The sparring training where I cracked three of my ribs. And my arm. And dislocated my shoulder. All because I wouldn’t yield.

   The rooftop. 

   The grocery store. 

   Various little minor accidents scattered throughout.  

   And now this.

   We round the corner and he places me onto a bed. I watch as he runs a hand down my face and sticks his head out the hallway to look around before returning to my side. Reiner sighs. “What am I gonna do with you?”

   “Love me,” I hum, closing my eyes slightly as the pain throbs and squirms beneath my skin. “Unconditionally.”

   “Gods,” he mutters, scooting closer. “I probably will.”

  “Probably?” I ask quietly. “Not ‘most definitely’?”

   A deep sigh passes his lips. It rumbles in his chest like thunder. Calming, soothing, gentle thunder. Memories of the forest running to find shelter as another storm took us by surprise. Bare feet padding the grass. Clothes sticking to our skins. Hair plastered to our faces- much like our smiles. Wiping her face as she ducks behind my arm. Telling her that the forest was telling the sky a joke, that the thunder was the sky’s laughter. Watching her peek out to watch the forest and sky talk, laughing as she swears she heard the punchline. 

   Does she remember what it was like to not be afraid?

   “Hey,” Rei mutters, shaking my arm slightly. “Don’t go to sleep on me yet.”

   “...sorry,” I mumble, opening my eyes and letting them glide to his spot beside me. “Where is she-”

  The door slams open. Sasha- with eyes wide and clutching medical supplies to her chest- pants in the doorway. “Did I make it?” She asks wearily. 

   “Did…,” I trail off, sitting up to look at her. “Did you think I died?”

   Sasha shakes her head, kicking the door closed just as Connie and Jean try to walk in behind her. “No,” she mutters. Plopping down beside me, she looks over me. “Just thought maybe you’d passed out.”

   “Check my eyes,” I remind her. Sasha nods and leans in, forcing open my eyes with her fingers. 

   “...your eye-holes seem to be fine.”

   “...my pupils?”

   “Eye-holes. Same thing.”

   I know Sasha’s joking but by the look on Reiner’s face, he does not.

   “She’s only kidding, love,” I whisper as I take his hand. “She knows the basics.”

   “Yep,” Sasha agrees, digging through the pile of medical supplies she brought in. “And you don’t have a concussion- and that thing on your head doesn’t need stitches- it should heal in a week or so... so you’re good to go after I clean it… ha!” She snatches a bottle of saline and a bandage. “You’ll be all good in no time, __________. Trust me.”

   I’m the one that taught her. Why don’t I trust her?

   “You awake?”

   I focus back in on the now. The present. My surroundings. 

   Scattered trees and hills to the right. Denser trees on my left. Two horses trailing behind me. No flares from either direction. Reiner just in front of me. 

   “Always am.”

   “Good.” He starts to pull back on his horse, levelling off with me. “How’s your head?”

   Instinctively, I reach up and graze the bandage. “I don’t feel anything.”

   “Good.”

   “...are you okay?” I ask, looking over at him. His skin is pale and flushed pink with a slight tinge to his ears. “Here. Drink some.” Unbuckling my flask, I hand it to him. 

   ...and he downs the entire thing before handing it back to me. 

   “Rei, are you sick?”

   “No, I just-”

   “Well, love, you look like you’re either about to shit yourself or vomit,” I laugh worriedly, “Are you sure?”

   “__________, listen, I…,” he sighs and looks away. He’s even more red now. 

   I nudge him with my elbow. “I’m listening.” I smirk, stirrupping Horse again. My eyes turn to the horizon, scanning for any flares or anything that approaches us.

   Reiner returns my smile and sighs shakily. “I wanna-”

   Something appears in the distance. “What is that?” I mumble, staring at the thing. “Do you see it?” I point. “That.”

    Reiner looks at the thing, squinting. “I… I can’t tell.”

   “Should we fire a flare off?” I ask, reaching to my saddlebag. “Just in case?”

   “Just… hang on-”

   He stops just as the thing changes form, moving closer towards us and faster. 

   It takes shape as it grows. Fourteen meters, blonde hair. 

   Female body type.

   My hands move on their own- throwing the canister into the gun, lifting it straight up, and firing. Red smoke fires out from the gun into the clouds. “Rei, we have to move!” I yell, turning the horses in towards the center of the formation. 

   I look over my shoulder, watching the two horses trail after Reiner. He stays going forward, heading right for it with glazed eyes. “Reiner!”

   My eyes follow his gaze as I bring Horse to a stop. They land on the Female Titan, who snatches something from mid-air and dropkicks it. Blood trails after the broken body and I watch ODM wires disconnect from the Female Titan’s body- following the body. 

   It’s… is it like Eren? A person inside it?

   “Reiner!” I scream again. 

   It gets his attention. Snapping out of his daze, Reiner makes a sharp turn. 

   As he gets closer, I press my heels into Horse’s sides. “Ha!”

   Footsteps follow after us, thundering and quivering the very organs inside of me. My breath catches in my lungs as I feel it- her- getting closer. Gods. Gods, please. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this.

   Something flashes at my side. With trembling force, a foot lands beside me- crushing one of the horses before it could even make a sound. 

   We’re going to die. Right now, we are going to die. 

   I wince, waiting for her to reach down and crush me in her hand. Reiner yells something but it’s lost in the frantic whinnies of our horses, the pounding of my heart, the panting of my lungs. When it reaches me, it’s blurred together like the colors in my eyes.

   ‘I’ve gotten hurt’ is what it sounds like. 

   Gods, please. Spare us.

   My fists clutch the reins as I look up. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fourteen meters. This is what will kill me. 

   The Female Titan’s other foot collides with the earth beside me. All at once, sounds and colors and shapes retract into their determined forms. Everything flushes back into focus as the Female Titan takes another step away from us. I watch as she continues sprinting towards the center- leaving us in her wake. Her head turns to look over her shoulder before she presses forward. 

   Right to Armin.

   “Rei!” I yell, sticking Horse again. “She’s gonna hit Armin! She’s headed right for him!” 

   “C’mon!” He yells back, appearing at my side.

   “This is the job we chose, right?” Jean snaps, “So lend me a hand!” 

   The rest of us are silent. Only hoofbeats and footsteps resound around us. Silently, Armin pulls his hood up over his head. “...pull your hoods up. Over your heads- far down enough so she can’t see your face.”

   “You’re thinking she won’t kill anyone that could be Eren,” Reiner mutters, tugging his hood up over his head. “...that’s a nice, but small, consolation… Let’s hope she has bad eyes, too.”

   Jean shakes his head, laughing. “I was always creeped out the way you used to hang around Eren so much,” he mutters as he pulls his hood up. “But I always knew you were capable.”

  “...‘creeped out’ is a little harsh but thanks,” Armin mumbles.

   Feeling the three pairs of eyes on me, I tug my hood up as well. “...I always knew I’d die next to you three bastards.”

  “Well. If we don’t,” Reiner chuckles, “We’ll throw a big party ‘nd get married.”

  “Oh yeah,” I scoff, pulling my swords out from their holsters. “We’ll have a big ol’ buffet ‘nd everything. I’ll even have a live band play for us.”

   “You two lovebirds over there still squawking?” Jean barks, leaning forward to glare at us. 

   “Will you shut up for a minute?” Reiner shoots back, “I’m… Kinda doin’ something.”

   “You can ‘kinda do something’ after this!” Jean yells, “We’re not dying today.”

   “Fine!” I snap, “I’m not spending my last moments fighting with you two morons! Let’s just do this. Delay her as long as we can- by any means necessary. Got it?!”

   The three grunt in agreement. “Jean, go to her left,” Reiner starts, “Armin, you go to her right. __________, you-”

   “I’m going with Armin!” I whip my reins and follow after Armin as he heads to the Female Titan’s right hand side. 

   We level off just behind her. “She’s much slower than when she attacked me!” Armin comments, “If we’re going to do this, it has to be now!”

   “Wait for Jean!” I yell, “He’s the best out of us with ODM gear. If he can get a good angle on her, it’ll be us being his support!” 

   A flash shoots out, launching into the Female Titan’s leg. Jean flies in behind it with his swords readied. The Titan crouches down and spins- flinging Jean. Armin and I get to our feet and stand on our horses’ backs. As my wires stick into the Female Titan’s leg, I give Horse a tap of my heel that sends him running away from the Titan. 

   Something swipes just under my legs. Everything around me slows as I watch the Titan’s hand bat Armin’s horse out from underneath him. His name leaves my lips the same way it did when Shiganshina fell. Breathless. Screeching. Desperate. “Armin!”

   “__________!” Reiner’s voice carries out over my own. 

   Before I can do anything, I feel something crack against my back. I’m pushed forward- colliding with the earth and rolling for a few feet. Landing on my back, I stare up in a daze at the clouds. 

   Aching pain crawls through my veins- igniting my muscles in throbbing, squeezing pain. My back arches as I take long, hard breaths to stop my heart from pounding in my ears. It does nothing but amplify the sound as I feel my lungs burn and the cages around them scream in agony. 

   Broken ribs. At least a few on each side. 

   Certain slices and patches of my skin burn from the contact with the ground. Minor scratches, bruises, friction burns.

   I’ll live. If she doesn’t finish me off. 

   Time begins to speed up again- her footsteps not taking so long to hit the ground as they get closer. Clouds seem to flurry past and my heartbeat begins to race once more. 

   The fight isn’t done yet. 

   I push myself to my feet, feeling every ache, every pain, every burn a million times over. 

   The fight isn’t done yet. 

   I’m not done yet. 

   The Female Titan tightens her fist, preparing to swing backwards at Jean. Breaking out into a sprint, I click my triggers and shoot my wires into the ground, allowing me to run faster. A blur of gold and green starts towards the Titan as I do- catching me attention so I stutter and stop. 

   Reiner. 

   Teeth gritted, eyes blazing, blades glinting.   He’s going for her nape.

   Armin’s yelling something. The Titan stays completely still as he continues screaming. 

   And then she snaps. 

   She catches Reiner’s body in her hand. 

   My heart stops. Blood stops. Lungs stop. 

   Everything. 

   Stops.

   “...no.” 

   Chills run down my spine- dull and weak. Nothing like adrenaline. 

   Fear.

   “No… no.”

   I shake my head, watching as Reiner’s body disappears in her grasp. 

   Someone grabs my waist, tugs me away. “No!” I scream, thrashing around as everything starts to move again. “No!” 

   “__________!” Jean yells, pulling me away. “We have to go!” 

   A blur of metal spins out from her grip, severing her fingers off from the base of her palm. Reiner pushes out and around her back. Grabbing Armin, he sprints away from her and towards us. 

   The four of us break out into a sprint as she stares down at her palm. She gets to her feet and runs away from us- her hand still steaming. 

   Something breaks inside of me. Tears start running down my face as Reiner sidles up next to me. Armin- bleeding from his forehead- is in his arms. Titan blood evaporates off of Reiner’s hair and shoulders as he looks down at me. “We’ll be okay! She won’t eat us unless she’s a cannibal! We-”

   I cut him off, punching his shoulder as hard as I can. “Don’t you ever pull that shit again, Reiner Braun!” I snap, furiously wiping the tears rolling down my face. “I swear on the walls, I… I will kill you myself if you do, do you hear me?! You scared the shit outta me! I… I thought I lost you.”

   Reiner laughs breathlessly. “I told you, darling. We haven’t gotten married, yet. I can’t die until that happens.”

   “We aren’t leaving anyone behind,” I snap, tightening Armin’s bandages. “None of that, you hear me?”

   “We might not have a choice,” Armin mutters, “If we all stay behind, we might all-”

   “I said no!” 

   The three of us go silent as Jean continues whistling for his horse. 

   But the question still hangs in the air. 

   Who’s going to stay behind?

   There’s only one horse- there’s four of us. If somehow one of us gets our horse back, we’ll be able to get out of here but until then… We’re stranded in Titan country without a means of escape. 

   “We have to talk about it,” Reiner says quietly. 

   “No,” I get to my feet and shake my head. “No. We don’t.”

   “__________-”

  I hold up a hand to stop him, “Don’t.” Turning to Jean, I gesture to his bag. “You have an emergency flare, yeah?”

   Jean nods and gets it out, loading it into his gun. Shooting it into the sky, purple smoke trails up from our location. 

   It’s a long shot, but they might get the message. 

   “We can wait three more minutes,” Reiner says firmly. “During then, we’ll decide who’s gonna-”

  “I’ll stay.” My head snaps to Armin. “Just get a message to the command section- to Commander Erwin, if you can.”

   “I’m staying, too, then.”

   “__________, no-” Reiner starts. 

   “I don’t want to hear it, Rei,” I mumble, “Please. I don’t… I don’t want to hear it but look. We’re both injured. Armin’s got a possible concussion and he’s bleeding. I’ve broken half a dozen ribs and I’ve got more bruises than I know what to do with. If anyone’s staying it’s-”

   “Neither of you,” Jean laughs, “Someone’s coming this way with three horses.” The three of us look over to him as he shades his face from the sun. “I think it’s… It looks like… Christa!”

   “Guys!” Christa’s dainty voice rings out as she approaches, “Are you okay?!”

   I huff a laugh, “Define ‘okay’, blondie!” 

   “If __________’s still cracking jokes, she’s still alive, right?” Christa laughs, coming to a stop just in front of us. The three horses surrounding her skid to a stop. 

   Horse trots up to me, nudging me with his nose. “Hey there, Horse,” I mutter, pressing my head against his. “Ya miss me?”

   “What happened to you guys?” Christa asks as she looks over me. “You look awful.”

  “Aw, gee, thanks, blondie,” I giggle, “I feel awful.”

   Christa’s soft face tightens slightly in concern. “...you’re sure you’ll be okay riding alone? Your horse… I dunno his name… but he seems to run alongside me pretty well- even without a harness.”

   “Yeah, that’s him, alright,” I mumble, rubbing Horse’s nose. “But I think I’ll be alright.”

   “...I’m with Christa,” Jean says warily, “You broke six ribs.”

   “What?!” Christa screeches. “Six?! No, ma’am! You’re riding with me or with Jean! Six ribs- what were you thinking?!”

   I shrug. “I’ve done worse.”

   “Worse?!” 

   Oops. Shouldn’t have said that.

   Christa sighs, pinching her eyes closed. “Fine. The past is the past. I can’t change it. But you- right now- are going to ride with Jean or me. Pick one.”

   “Yes, Your Majesty,” I mumble with a smirk. “I’ll ride with you. Give the boys a little show, how ‘bout that?”

   Christa turns a light shade of pink as Reiner helps me sit on top of Christa’s horse. “You behave,” Reiner mutters with a stern look. 

   But I can see it. 

   A little mischievous smirk plays his lips as he pulls away. 

   “Yes sir,” I coo, “I’ll be on my best behaviour.”

   The four of us start off towards the center. “What’s your horse’s name?” Christa asks. “He really seems to like you. Before, I couldn’t get him to hold still- then, when I said your name, he calmed down and followed us perfectly fine.”

   “...I just call him Horse.”

   “...oh…”

   I sigh and turn around to watch as Horse gallops. Cream-colored coat hiding thick muscles that twitch and writhe. Dots- freckles- that spatter his coat. His black mane whips about in the wind. 

   “Freckles,” I say quietly. 

   “What?”

   “Freckles. That’s his name.”

   I groan, letting my head fall back as my legs swing off the tree branch. “Rei, we’ve been sitting here for hours and you haven’t said a word to me,” my lip juts out in a pout, “Please talk to me.”

   Reiner grumbles under his breath. His arms cross over his chest as he sits on the farest end of the tree branch away from me. 

   “Baby,” I whine, “you aren’t still mad at me for-”

   “Yes, I’m still mad at you for being a tease. And we’ve been out here an hour. Hour and a half, tops.”

   “Tch,” I groan again, “Baby, it was just a joke. I didn’t mean to drop my ring.” I hold my hand out in the sun to look at my moonstone ring as it glistens. “It wasn’t on purpose.”

   “...you dropped it three times before we got up here.”

  “I would never do anything to tease you.” Reiner raises an eyebrow and I roll my eyes. “On a mission.”

   Rei’s shoulders lose some of their tension. “...you really didn’t mean to?”

   “Of course not, baby,” I coo softly. “Not on a mission.”

   Reiner sighs and rolls his eyes before getting to his feet. Wordlessly, he plops down beside me and lays his hand over mine on the branch. “You only call me ‘baby’ when you’re guilty,” he murmurs into the shell of my ear. “...so I forgive you.”

   “Oh good, you caught on,” I tease, nudging him with my elbow.

   “Easy, there, girl,” he huffs, “you’re still on thin ice.”

  “You can’t stay mad at me,” I turn to face him and flash him a face-splitting smile. “I’m your darling.”

   “...you’re right,” Rei laughs softly. “I could never.”

   The two of us fall into a comfortable- buzzing with adrenaline but still comfortable- silence. I lean forward to look at the Titans gathered at the base of our tree, clawing and gripping the bark in an attempt to get to us. Hungrily, they salivate and stare up at us with glazed eyes.

   The Female Titan. Why is she doing what she was? If she’s human, wouldn’t she want the walls to remain? They keep us safe for the time being. The outside world isn’t ready for us to break down our walls. And if she does want the walls gone, why? 

   And who is she?

   “...are you listening?”

   “Hm?” I ask, leaning back. “No, I’m sorry, I was just…,” my eyes flick down to the Titans, “...lost in thought.”

   “I was just asking how your sides are.”

   My fingers rub against my sides. They aren’t sore, they don’t hurt. I’ve always healed fast but knowing how long it’s supposed to take to heal sometimes, it’s… a little disconcerting. “I don’t feel anything.”

   “...you’re better already?”

   I shrug, “It could just be adrenaline. Or maybe they weren’t as badly broken as we thought they were. Bruising and breaks are really similar…”

   Reiner hums in acknowledgment. “As long as you feel okay. When we get back, I’m still getting you checked out.”

   “Yes sir.”

   I lean over the side of the branch to see the Titans again. “It’s strange that we weren’t directed around the forest.” I comment quietly, leaning over more before my ODM wire locks into place.

   “...Iyeah,” Reiner mutters, “Why wouldn’t we just go around?”

   “I dunno,” I strain, slightly jiggling the wire a bit. “But do you think it was on purpose?”

   “It’s Commander Erwin,” Rei chuckles, “Of course it was.”

   “That’s true… I just… It’s so hard for us to see threats coming in,” I grip the wire and tug harder. “So why send them in?”

   “Assuming he knows of the right flank casualties, we should’ve retreated a long time ago,” he mutters, “But we’re here and the center flank is somewhere in the trees.”

   “Which is also weird, right?” I ask, yanking on the wire even harder. “I mean, if we are gonna go in, why not-”

   The wire snaps out of the branch. The force of me pulling sends me over the edge of the branch. I watch as the wire extends rapidly- reeling me down towards the Titans’ grasps. Reiner runs to the end, reaching out to grab my hand. 

   But it’s too late. 

   A hand wraps around my body and pulls, unlatching my ODM wire from the tree. It starts to tighten as it turns me around to face it. My eyes lock onto it and I scream, thrashing around wildly. My arms are pinned in its hold- trapped against the steel of my ODM blade holsters and the clammy flesh wrapped around me. 

   Another Titan stares at me hungrily. As I look at it, red light starts to pour from its eyes like fog. Without warning, it lunges. I wince and duck away- waiting to be engulfed in moist darkness. 

   It doesn’t come. It’s replaced with an unearthly howl of pain and the sound of tearing flesh. 

   The grip around me falls away and as I’m spun in a free-fall, I catch glimpses of the scene above me. Red fog pours from the Titans’ eyes as they all latch onto the Titan that grabbed me. Bite by bite, they tear into the searing flesh of the Titan and devour the steaming chunks of bleeding meat. 

   They’re… eating it. 

   The red fog. 

   It was real. 

   My body stops, swinging up before I hit the forest floor. As we land on another branch, Reiner hugs me to his body tightly. “You scared the shit out of me,” he says raggedly. I feel tears drip onto my shoulder. But I don’t look at him- even as he pulls away, gripping my shoulders. 

   My eyes are focused on the fog swirling through the bodies of the Titans.

   What the Hell is it? 

   Why does it keep following me?

   Why does it keep saving me?

   “...__________!”

   I’m pulled back into my body- away from the grasping hands of the Titans that force muscles and tendons and organs down their throats. Blankly, I stare at Reiner. “What happened?” he asks quietly, looking over his shoulder at the Titans. “Are you-”

   A scream rips out of my throat as I look down at my hands. My fingers start to rake through my skin, clawing for the source of the red fog. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get it out. 

   Get. It. Out. 

   Reiner’s hands fumble with mine as they try to stop me from continuing the hurried slicing of my skin. “Darling, darling,” he says calmly as he grabs my wrists, “Darling, hey, look at me. Look at me.”

   Wildly, my eyes fly around my surroundings. 

   Get it out. Red fog. Red fog. I have to get it out. I have to find it.

   Red fog. I have to get it out. 

   Red fog. 

   “__________!” Reiner snaps, shaking me by my wrists, “Look at me!”

   My gaze settles on him but I can feel myself twitching and writhing in place. 

   Red fog. 

   Get it out. I have to get it out. 

   “...you’re okay,” he mumurs, “You’re okay now, okay, darling? You’re safe.”

   Tears burst from my eyes, leaking down my face as I roll my hands around from my wrists. Trembling violently, my body falls to the floor. Reiner catches me before I fall, scooping me up under my arms and holding me to him. 

   “There’s something... inside of me,” I strain, keeping down the screams wanting to claw their way out. My nails rake his back- threatening to rip through the fabric. “There is... something inside of me, Rei. I don’t know what it is. And I’m so scared, Rei. I just… I don’t… I don’t understand it. I… I don’t know... what it is. There’s… There’s something inside of me, Reiner, please! Please, Rei! Take it out! Get it out of me!”

WHEW 

a doozy like i said. if you made it this far, i am so proud of you. my short attention span could literally never. as always thank you so much for reading and i hope to hear your thoughts and comments! 

[fandomtrxsh19]

So, when I read ACOSF, I made kind of play by play notes as a listened to it( I read the audiobook) so.........here’s the chaos

HEAVY SPOILERS FOR ACOSF!!

CASSIAN SAID FUCK

WHOA there’s a LOT of swearing in this

“It’s SEVEN in the morning gods damn it” -nesta archeron

OVERSIZED SHIRTS FOR THE WIN

Feyre and Rhys have 5 houses? Not surprised...

full, inviting breasts......BIG BOOBS OMG CASSIAN YOU HORNY SON OF A BITCH

7 siphons to keep his magic under control? Dayum

So, she rode this unnamed male like a fucking roller coaster?

Depression sex? Depression sex

“Her father was ashes in the wind” DAMN THATS EDGY

“A moment of release among the darkness inside her” NESTA BBY THIS ISNT HEATHY

“She avoided both of them” not surprised

OOOOH RHYS HATES HER TEA IS BEING SPILT

So, depression sex and depression alcohol? Yup

*checks chapter count* 80 CHAPTERS??!?! Oh shit this is gonna be a triiiip

OOOOOOOOO RHYS AND NESTA BEEF

Feyre trying to apologize to nesta........she’s trying

“You’re done, Nesta” The fuuuuuck.....

So, nesta’s moving and training with cassian...........Feyre, this isn’t a good idea omg

Feyre holy shit what the fuck are you doing, you TOTAL HELICOPTER SISTER?

“I never want to speak to you again!” damn

ELAIN TRAUMA!!! Yay???

MOR FOCUSED CHAPTER!!!?

she has brown eyes? Ok

FUCK SHES WEARING A BLUE DRESS FUCK

nesta knows about mor NESTA KNOWS ABOUT MOR!!!

“I am worthless and I am nothing. I hate what I am.” DAYUM I’ve been in that exact mindset numerous times. I can relate, Nesta

Briallen? Who the fuck is that?

Scars being trapped in magic? Good fuck that’s dark

“Ooh a dark skin character? Lit

OH SHIT SHE CANT FLY HER WINGS ARE CLIPPED

Is her name Emery?

“I am the monster your fear” BBY OMG GET THERAPY

Gwyn? Seems a bit aloof

“Two gentle conversations” GOOD JOB

Fairy lights omg lol

Nesta reading smutty books.....I’m imagining this omg

THE HOUSE IS ALIVE? Sweet

OMG ELAIN SHIT!!!! BBY

“All she wanted to do was touch him” OOOOOHHHHH NESSIAN

“All I need is a hot meal and a good book.” Mood

Nesta’s worried about Mor??? REEEEEEE

“Nesta needed Feyre more than she realized.“ OOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOO FAE BARGANS

They’re bound by magic on the body?? Ooh

IT’S TRAINING TIME BITCHES

“I don’t hate you too,Cassian” OMGGGGGG REEEEE

Nesta SMILED

THEY MENTIONED VALKYRIES!!!!!

“You might be my only friend.” HMMMMMMM

*hears how cassian was born * OMG HOLY SHIT CASSIAN

*hears cassians backstory* DAMN THESE CHARACTERS NEED THERAPY

OOP SLIGHT DEPRESSION SEX

OOP CLOTHING REMOVAL

“I’ve loved you since the first moment I held you in my arms.” HMMMMMMMM

I’m loving this Nessian sparring training.

ELAIN! SHES IN THE STORY KIND OF

Elain has small boobs........same

“I thought I would drop by to see how you were doing.” AWWWWWWWWW

Yayy.....awkward sister talks........

“She was the monster.” Nesta.............I can relate.

Nesta’s angry at Elain.............

Elain’s trying to reach out and Nesta’s denying it.

MY HEART

AGAIN...THE👏RA👏PY👏

“No more seeing her sisters without her permisson.” That’s smart.

Soooooooooo......Rhys is now a German Shepard.........?

OMG CASSIAN KILLED EVERYONE THAT HELPED KILL HIS MOM........good for him

“Use that training and make me.” OOOOOOOMGGGGGG

Rhys is overprotective of Feyre and shields her......daaaaaaaaaaaaamn

“What exactly happened in the cauldron?” FEYRE BAD IDEA BAD IDEA BAD IDEA

Again, Nesta, ✨THERAPY✨

Put a stop to what, D-does the IC know of the ✨depression smut?✨

“There was touching, but with her permission” WE 👏STAN 👏A KING👏

THAT ASKS👏FOR👏CON👏SENT👏

“Who do you think I am?” “A drunk fool who’s wasting my time?” OOOOOOOHHHHH SHOOTS FIRED!!!

Emery and Nesta to Emery’s cousin: GO HOME YOUR DRUNK ASSHOLE

*hears Nesta’s grand✨mama✨* me: grandmama, it’s me....ANASTASIA

Bruh...NESTA BIT CASS’S EAR

ugh the tool

“Baby making” hehe lol

“Nesta like gwyn”...............could she also be biiiiiiiii??????????!!!!!! YAY FIRST FRIEND IM PROUD OF YOUUUUU

NESTA SMILES AGAIN YAY!!

Alright, Meryl is BITCH

GWYN’S A QUARTER NYMPH?? Cool

“She’s failed everything.” BBY

HER POWERS? HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT SILVER FLAMES

ICY FIRE??? FUUUUUUUUUCK

Nesta must’ve been petrified being surrounded by fire

It’s a dream? THE FUCK

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT SHE WAS DREAMING????

Cassian saw HER TRAUMA?????? FUUUUUUCK

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HER POWER IS DEAAAAATHH FUUUUUUCK

THE BABY HAS WIIIIINGS!!!!!!

Why is Rhys angry about the wing thing?

Ohhhhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiit the tool

*hearing the possibilities of half Illyrian baby* OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH FUUUUUCK OMG

“I loved it when you fucked my mouth cassian?” GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH NEEESTAAAAA THIS ISNT HEALTHY

“What could go wrong?” DONT JINX IT

fairy monsters? OHOHOHOOOO

NONONONOOOOOO NOT AN ASH ARROW

BLACK EYES???? Fuck fuck are they in the cauldron?

OMG THE KELPIE IS DOING SHIT TO NESTA!!! Are they on the cauldron?

the MAAAAAAASK

ohOOOOOOOMGOMGOMGOMG SHE SUMMONED THE FUCKING DEAD REEEEEEEEEEE

Omg NESTAS POWERS ARE SO FUCKING COOL

She LITERALLY HAS AN UNDEAD ARMYYYYY

death HERself........badass

“Because you and cassian has been giving each other sultry looks all morning” SHE KNOWS

“For the first time in her life, she finally felt good in her own skin.” GROWTH

Omg Nesta created a swooooord!!!!! Cool

ITS INFUSED WITH MAGIC??? HELL YEAH

“I can’t lie to her!” SIIIIIIIMP

“I’d be careful when fucking her.” Oh amren

FUUUUUUCK FUCK BOOOOOOOOO TAMLIN

“You will not touch us.” YES TELL HIM

“I can’t believe Feyre ever loved tamlin.” ME TOO

“Elain saw everything Nesta did.” Daaaaaaaaamn

OOOOOOOO NESTAS PIIIIIIIISSED

OOOOOOOOOOO SECRETS FEYRE’S PIIIIIIISED

Nesta messed up and I think she realizes that

Rhys is pissed now and wants to kill Nesta....SHIIIIIIIT

Nesta: heads for a tavern me: NONONONONO GODS DAMN IT YOU’VE COME SO FAR

“I will fight for him. For us. Until I can’t anymore.” FEYRE IS GONNA BE A GREAT MOM

“Wishing to disappear into nothing.” I’ve been there.

“Cassian knew Nesta hated herself, but didn’t know how sometimes she wanted to unexist.” I RELATE TO THAT SHIT

“She had been born wrong.” AWWWWW BBY SHIIIIIT

“Was she worth being counted?” I CAN RELATE

*hearing Nesta blaming herself for her fathers death and for the horrible things she’s done, saying she can’t fix it* SHIT IM CRYING (I’m not joking)

“ I deserve nothing.” I CAN RELATE BITCH IM ACTUALLY CRYING

*hears Cassian calmly reassuring and comforting her* AWWWWW I NEED THIS QUOTE

CASSIAN CARES SO MUCH FOR HER I LOVE THIS

(I really needed that cassian talk. I literally wrote most of the quote down just in case. Thank you SJM)

EMERY CAN SENSE THE SEX HOLY SHIT

“After he’d fucked her with her fingers...” O NONONONOOO

*skips to chapter 52*

Lanthis??? Who the fuck is that?

“Gwyn and Emery are my friends” SHES GROWN SO MUCH!!!

26 dimensions? OH THIS IS SOME DOCTOR STRANGE SHIT

IT CANT BE KILLED

cassian and Nesta really went *yeet* .......... I’m sorry

THE SWORDS NAME IS ADORAXIA!!!!!!!!!!!sounds like a dnd character IDEAS

OHOHOHOOOOO BLACK THRONE AND A CROWN DEATH QUEEN NESTA WITH HER HAIR DOOOOOOWN

Rhys vs Cassian standoff *western duel music starts*

NESTA APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER IM SO PROUD

Did Elain have a vision? DID SHE???

“I want you to seduce him.” NESTA THE HIDDEN BARD ROLL FOR PERSUASION

Mor teaching Nesta the waltz? NESTA AND MOR CAN NOT HATE EACH OTHER

Are they back at their childhood home? Because oooooooooooof ✨ childhood trauma✨

MOR AND NESTA HAVING A CONVERSATION YAY!!!!! (This’ll make rping them so maybe easier)

“We’re in a book!” Holy shit they know. HIDE THE FANFICTION

The relationship between Nesta, Emery, and Gwyn is so wholesome

“Oh FUCK you” .... NESTA

“I was just checking on dessert” MOOD

MOR AND NESTA ARE HAVING A FRIENDLY CONVERSATION

I sense tension between amren and Nesta

ERIS WANTS NESTA????

“I’m not with you.” Lier

A SNOWBALL FIGHT WITH THE BATBOIS??? Holy shit they do have one(1) brain cell

A sleepover with Emery, Nesta, and Gwyn? SIGN ME UP

“Do it for the miniature Pegasus!” INSIDE JOKES

OOOOHHH i see the gwynriel ship

Wait....HER POWERS MADE THE HOUSE BE ALIVE??? Sweet

Alright 2 months til FEYSAND baby

The mating bond between cassian and Nesta?????.............

“Say it, SAY IT” GODS DAMN IT NESTA SAY THE FUCKING THING

So, Nesta’s afraid she’s gonna loose her humanity?

EMERIE NESTA AND GWYN ARE IN THE BLOODRITE? Fuuuuuuuuuck

OH NO EMERIE!!!!!!

“High Fae bitch” PUT THAT ON A SHIRT

OMG OMG OMG HELL YES VALKRIES

oh Cassian you restless bastard you

*hears Emerie’s backstory and their heart to heart* AWWWWWW I LOVE THEM

“The morrigan.” The fuck Eris?

“She’d hit the archway of stone” OOOOOOOOOOF

“For being my friends when I didn’t deserve it.” AWWWWWWWWWW

What about Feyre’s pregnancy???? Hewwo?

“Lord of bastards” heh true that’s cassian alright

Wait, OTHER set of wings

CASSIAN!!!!!!!!!!

“Now, I’m going to slit your little throat.” FUUUUUUUUCK NONONONOOOOO THIS ISNT CASS FUUUUCK

What’s the trove?

NONONONONOOOO WHYD HE GET STABBED SHIT HE GOT STABBED

Nesta’s pissed.....MAGIC TIME

wait wait wait wait wait HES NOT STABBED HELL YEAH!!!!

“You are my mate, Cassian.” ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME

Nessian: kissing when the world is in ruin

“She started bleeding hours ago. “ BABY TIME???

*hears the blood and feyre’s appearance*!FUUUUUUUUUCK

So, no C section? OOOOOOH SHIT THEYRE DOING IT

IM SCARED IM SCARED IM SCARED

“Silent babe?” Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit

Nesta Nesta Nesta What the fuck are you doing???????? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

SHE HAS ALL 3! ONONONOOOOOFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOSHE PLUCKED IT FUCK

SHE STOPPED TIME?????????

WHOS the female voice?

“ I love you, Feyre” SHE DID IT IM SO PROUD!!!!!

What is she doing what is she doing what is she doiiiiingggg?

GIVE WHAT BACK?????

WHAAAAAT? A BARGAIN WITH THE FUCKING CAULDRON???

feyres alive? FEYRE’S ALIVE!!!!!!!

NESTA THE MVP!!!!

*the sister hug* AWWWWWWWWWWW

AWWWWWW I LOVE THE NAME NYX!!!!

How much did the Cauldron take from Nesta, tho?

FEYSAND IS BEST PARENTS

Alright, I want to see LOADS OF WHOLESOME FANFICS AND FANART ABOUT DOMESTIC IC AND ELAIN AND NESTA GOT IT?

[naw-naw-honeyimgood]

ChengQing (lmao never realized that was their fucking ship name)

so pros of (Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing):

one of the few possible het ships available to mdzs fans like there are all of five named female characters and this is the only one not in an established het pairing. and like sure ive seen yanli w/ someone else a couple times but you CANT put her with JIANG CHENG and i cant say ive ever seen mianmian in a serious relationship in fics with anyone besides either her canon hubby or a chick (usually yanli, wen qing herself, or even sometimes both lmao).

it’s basically written itself in cql!! he has a very obv and clear crush on her, even gives her a comb and offers to help her! she seems interested but the way the storyline went it was simply not meant to be :’(

you get to pair off jiang cheng!! ngl once u finish mdzs its kinda sad for everyone not wangxian (in their generation/above) cuz theyre the only one that get a happy ending. Everyone else is forever alone / depressed / bitter or a combination thereof. so it’s nice to see jiang cheng getting a happy ending!

he... gets... kids...? like ngl as a childless person that is happy to stay that way thats not exactly a pro in my eyes but you might look at his relationship w/ jin ling and say “he’s a great father! he deserves to be a father!” which okay good news! wen qing can bear children!

Now. Cons. 

for one thing the fact that you have a lack of options doesnt exactly mean every possible het pairing can have good chemistry even if you change circumstances enough. there comes to a point where certain pairings can only be really viable if one or both of them are ooc.

lets be honest im willing to bet that AT LEAST 80% of the reason cql introduced this ship was because they were not allowed to make the wangxian pair explicitly Together (and i dont even mean anything specifically sexual), and they needed SOME SORT of romance to feature in the story. xuanli doesnt count because theyre an established background ship,  the jiang parents dont count as romance, we aint talkin about the villain relationships, and lbr, mianmian already had a lot more signif in cql than mdzs. so it makes sense that they took the arguably most important male chara besides wangxian and made him have a crush on the most important female character that wasnt his SISTER. 

what im trying to say is that cql pulled that pairing out of a hat. if you look at canon at ALL i highly doubt there would ever have been feelings, just as there never were. we dont quite know the age dif but we know that wen qing was the older sister and wen ning might have been a bit younger? than the boys? cannot quite remember but we dont know if she was only a year or two older or if it was like. mingjue and huaisang. we dont know! and i canNOT see jiang cheng going for an older chick. also their personalities would clash So Much. she has older sis vibes and not the gentle kind like yanli. she snaps at wen ning’s mumbling and stuff a good couple times- you think she’d tolerate jiang cheng’s emotional immaturity? hah. 

this also kinda segues into my main point of: as depressing as it is that jiang cheng is forever alone unless you pair him off... he would honestly put whoever you pair him off with through hell. he’s not nice. so many jiang cheng stans like to argue that he’s a traumatized kid that was raised to channel his emotions through anger (and raises bitterness under his skin like an ugly puppy) but inside he has a heart of gold, and they’re... not exactly wrong! i mean- literally every younger chara is traumatized in some way. but... that doesn’t really... excuse the shit he’s pulled? as much as jiang cheng stans like to forget: jin guangyao was RIGHT when he said that jiang cheng’s insecurities got wei ying killed. his CLOSEST ALLY. 

tying back to wen qing we have their actual CANON interactions (or lack thereof). wen qing didn’t exactly protect wei ying and jiang cheng out of the goodness of her heart when lotus pier fell: she was protecting wen ning (her BROTHER) from the repercussions of his own actions by saving wei ying (and Jiang Cheng ig idk he was just there bUT YOUNG MASTER WEI-)

not QUITE sure why she agreed to doing the golden core transfer (maybe scientific curiousity? i mean she had an unproven medical theory and here was a volunteer) but it def wasnt For Jiang Cheng.

and then the next time she saw him? do you guys remember the next time she saw him? it’ was when jiang cheng came up to the burial mounds to kill wen ning’s corpse and tell wei ying to turn over the wens. 

KEEP IN MIND that jiang cheng KNOWS wen ning and qing SAVED HIS FUCKING ASS after lotus pier (not How but he KNOWS THIS) and yet he still tells wei ying to hand them over.

he makes wei ying choose between what amounts to the cultivation world and his morals. 

that does not a good healthy relationship make. also again their personalities would clash like so bad. i love wen qing way more but you have to admit her personality is super similar to madame yu’s. and we already agreed that jiang cheng was traumatized as a kid. im not saying fengmian didnt have a hand in it but you gotta admit a good amount was madam yu and her insecurites and accusations she piled on her son. and you wanna pair him up romantically with someone who won’t take his shit and smile? will call him out? HAH.

im not saying this because i think jiang cheng should be with a softer personalitied (guy) like lan xichen or wen ning or huaisang because god knows those pairings have their own issues. im just saying that in canon-verse all i can ship whole-heartedly is jiang cheng / therapy, but since there is not therapy in canon-verse, or even if there WAS then there’s no way he’d admit to needing it, then yeah he can stay single for all his bitter life. better that than making jiang parent relationship 2.0 like fuck.

(this of course means that in modern aus where he DOES get therapy i am Open)

also real quick but jiang cheng was NOT a good parent to jin ling and i will not take constructive criticism like sure he was better than the jiang parents and the lan parents but that is SUCH a low fuckin bar and it’s a fact that in chapter 9 jin ling literally thinks “if I can’t slice off her head with this blow, I will die here- death it is then!!” (taken gratefully from the exiled rebels scanlation) and that is NOT a healthy-minded child.

the only healthy minded children is like. jingyi. and probably sizhui. although i am not here for the way the lan sect raise children but sometimes you have to take what you can get.

also i want you to look me in the eye and tell me that wen qing could and would do anything besides throw down with someone that so much as looked at her brother wrong

because jiang cheng apparently decided to lay the blame for jin zixuan’s death at wen ning’s feet (which is incredibly ironic considering he blames wei ying for yanli’s death??? like i feel like he could stand to use his brain cells a bit more??) and repeatedly tried to kill him.

[modern-vellichor]

Grief, is a Beautiful Thing

Stage 5: Acceptance

Series Masterlist

Acceptance; a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it.

He's what you need. He's always been there for you, and now you see it. Now, as you stand on the roof, sun washing you of your sins, of the weeks and weeks of nothing but silence and sorrow, after the months of constant turmoil and grief. This is freedom. He's been there through it all.

When your relationship with Steve fell apart the first time, he was there to pick up the pieces. Then when he fell apart, Bucky was there to hold you up, he was there so that you could fix Steve. And when he left, and you broke and scattered across all ends of the earth, he picked you up, and put you back together.

You were there for him, but you always knew this. When Tony was trying to kill him, you took his side. When he tossed and turned during the night, you woke him, and cooed, and held him until he dreamed of sweet things, honey and sugar and you. When he was so spent from putting all his energy into you, you put on a smile and fixed him up.

This was love. Of course you loved Steve, but he was gone, and he fell in love with you for all the wrong reasons.

You fell in love with Steve, you saw last the captain, into the deepest parts of his soul. You fell in love with his smile and the way he paced when he was nervous. You fell in love with the way he held you, and his beautiful laugh.

He fell in love with Peggy, and saw her in you. The way you held yourself, the courage, the glimmer in your eyes, it was all a reminder of Peggy, his Peggy, the girl he loved so dearly.

There were aspects of you that he loved too, but he never fell in love with the full you. He never saw it.

You deserved the kind of love that Bucky gave you, pure and unfiltered and raw. It was harsh and violent but it was sweet and addicting, he couldn't get enough of you. He wanted to hold you and breathe you, until you were engraved in his soul, until you had weaved yourself into the very fabric of his being.

You needed him. He was the only thing keeping you together.

"Y/N?", his voice, that honey sweet call of home, pulled you from your violent reel of self deprecating thoughts.

You didn't deserve to be left. You deserved to be cherished.

You didn't respond, not with words. Instead, you pressed your lips to his, gentle and soft, intimate, terribly so.

His response was to cup your cheeks, to trace his fingers down your spine, across your arms, up your neck, right back to your cheeks. Tears still spilled from your eyes, but they had changed, in context. It was no longer sad and desperate, now, it was happy, it was lovely.

"I'm sorry", he whispered, mumbling into your hair as he pressed kisses to your forehead, and then your cheeks, peppering your face and neck and leaving you warm.

"I'm sorry", again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry", he repeated it like a mantra. He was begging for forgiveness, maybe from you, maybe for you, maybe from Steve. You never really found out. But all you could whisper back was;

"in me, burns the most catholic of desires: to devour the divine"

And he stopped. His mouth shut, he simply breathed. That was his forgiveness. That was his penance, you were his vocation, his divine god that needed worship, he was on his knees, begging, screaming, and you uttered those honey sweet words, thick and sticky, and he was washed of his sins all over again.

"I love you", he was no longer begging. You were heaven on earth, this was peace, this was love. This was his declaration of his faith, his everlasting devotion to you, in all your comforting and broken glory. "I love you, I love you, I love you", uttered between desperate kisses and soft gasps.

"I love you too, Buck"

You did. You loved him. Even more than Steve.

He was always sheltered, always hiding you away,your love was soft and gentle and filtered, but not this. This was raw, gnashing teeth and criminal tongue, grazing your bare soul, flying like Icarus to the sun, hoping that Ares will catch you. This? This was criminal, near psychotic, this was manic and dangerous, but you two were safe, you were happy. This was unconventional and painful, but all the best things are. For the longest time, this was forbidden fruit. But it tastes so much better when you can't have it. Now you do, it's in the palm of your hand, sweet and addictive, and you dont ever plan on quitting.

He holds you hand. He likes to come up from behind, wrap his arms around your waist, place sweet kisses on the nape of your neck. He likes to hold you close, tangle your legs together under satin sheets and cool moonlight. He learns poems to whisper to you in the deep dark of the night. He presses his forehead to yours, he smiles at you when  you're not looking, he laughs when you do, he cries when you do. He watches all your favourite movies, listens to your favourite songs, reads your favourite books. You take him to your favourite places. He loves it, he loves you. "Hey, Steve", you chirp, leaving against the cool marble of the headstone, roses littered all over the grave. He's loved even in death. "long time no see". It had been almost three years. You like talking to Steve, he never argues back, no sarcastic comments or judgy looks. You like to think hes listening, that he smiles at your stories. People leave roses and bouquets of white, red and blue for the captain. But you leave wild daisies and lilies, agapanthus and hyacinths, for Steve. He always liked lilies, you did too, The Funeral Flowers. "Buck's doing a lot better nowadays, hes sleeping through the night again. I am too, for the most part, I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, just missing you. It sucks", you sigh and let out a breathy laugh. Bucky left you to get coffee, so you popped in for a visit. "Theres way more photos around the compound now, of you and the team, Morgan too. She's getting so big, Steve, you should see her. She's exactly like Tony, same eyes, same brain, same stupid decisions. I keep telling her she has to be at least 16 to be an avenger, because that's how old Peter was when he became one" A vase falls over next to you, you sigh, picking it up, "manners, Steve. Anyway, I'm in love" "Yeah, crazy. He's not as soft as you are, not as sheltered, Sam loves it, constantly making fun of you, how your ex and your best friend got together. I think I wanna marry him, Stevie" A cup of steaming coffee is shoved in your direction, Bucky smiles down at you. "Look at this, Rogers. The bastard finally cut his hair, would you believe it?" Bucky shoved your shoulder as he sat down next to you, leaning against your shoulder, nuzzling into your neck. "shut up", me mumbles. You laugh. Song like and wonderful. You wanted to marry Steve, once upon a time. You still feel guilty, but Steve's gone. He got his happy ending, you deserve yours. This is your happy endings, overpriced coffee and sunny afternoons, 2ams spent in your car, driving to God knows where, secret poems exchanged in the dark. You still talk to the moon, your saviour, your keeper. But you no longer beg for the sweet relief of death, or numbness, you no longer cry about love lost in the dark. Now, you chant, you sing, you dance, you're in love. You're yourself again, everyone notices. "Lady moon", you whisper. You're on the roof, hot mug in your hands. "tell me he loves me as much as I love him. This is heaven on earth", you smile to the sky, to the star that shines brighter than the others, to the lost souls floating up there. "He does", you jump a little as Bucky wraps his arms around you. "he loves you more than you could ever imagine" A single tear rolls down your cheek, it gets lost between your lips as you press a chaste kiss to his neck.

Eternity. You wish, you hope.

You don't know it, but Steve would be happy for you. He remembers how broken you were when he found you, when Tony found you. He remembers saving you, even in death he loved to see you smile. He remembers how Bucky never slept through a night, he remembers walking into the gym at 6am only to find that Bucky had been there for hours already. He remembers the tears he had shed in secrecy, the pleas for peace and freedom. He knows that you give him peace, he dreams of sweet things with you in his bed. He knows his heart warms with your touch, and he smiles at the twinkle in your eyes. Steve wouldn't have left if it meant leaving you, or Bucky, but you had each other. Steve left because he knew you would piece each other back together. You meant everything to him, so did Bucky. Steve got his happy ending, and you got yours.

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[rigginsstreet]

JULIA’S FICS MASTERLIST

so it’s my wifes ( @fredheads ) birthday and im a flop who doesnt have her birthday fic ready (it’ll be done... before the end of the month. absolutely should not take that long but thats the only definite timeline i have lmao) SO to celebrate, i think you all should read her fics and leave nice comments because it’s what she deserves :)

MULTI CHAPTER (unfinished)

She's The One (fem!fredsythe)

Just Like Heaven (fredsythe, alice - fred escapes the Sisters au)

talk about a dream, try to make it real (fredsythe, gladys - college au)

quiet mercy (fredsythe - the OG fred & the sisters of quiet mercy fic)

Papa (fred and artie exploration)

wanna be your backdoor man (fredsythe - h*rny neighbor antics)

With a Girl Like You (fred and gladys friendship)

all our costliest treasures (baby fredsythe at christmas julia i would like to see more... its your birthday i should not be requesting things my apologies)

but your kids are gonna love it (archie and jughead - back to the future au i never saw that movie so i cant say for sure but they do time travel so that checks out to me)

Riverdale High's Last Annual Father-Daughter Winter Fling (fred takes veronica to the father/daughter dance because hiram is in jail =/ )

i say the phrases that keep it all going (different takes of fred fp archie and jughead dying in each others arms julia where is the fredsythe one... just asking)

MULTI CHAPTER (finished [according to ao3])

wouldn't it be good (ensemble - everyones paired up and has to raise an egg)

love is like a heat wave (fredsythe summertime antics)

burnt toffee (halice - working at an icecream shop, falling in love, v cute)

if only in my dreams (penelope lies about having a boyfriend)

let nothing you dismay (alice cooper fixing christmas)

there's a blue light in my best friend's room (hal and fred bonding hour)

The Trials of Cheerleading (or, "Throwing In The Megaphone") (the parentdale bible just read it and forget anything else anyone [ras] has ever told you)

fred andrews adopts a gang (bet you cant tell what this is about)

from the rich to the poor they are mostly unkind (i think this is a sweet pea centric fic?? julia really has something for everyone but dont expect her to do this again)

fp's adventures in domesticity (fp taking care of the andrews household while fred recovers from getting blasted in the chest)

Oblivion (all the times fred has experienced god)

west of memphis (jarchie post 107 thats all i can tell you idk)

ONE SHOT

Wherever you go i'll be with you (fp and archie - a timeline after freds death)

that's as close as i'll get to loving you (fremary - fred asks mary out)

i'm only good at being bad, bad (gladys hating her deadbeat husband <3)

and all the miles in between (fp and tom on the bus to basic training)

excerpts from the same party (freds interactions...at a party... the title is pretty self explanatory but who doesnt love a party fic ammirite ladiez)

don't you know these days you pay for everything (fred, fp, mary - i remember this being fp playing wingman to get fred and mary together cuz he likes mary better than hermione.... read more to find out if im right)

tying faith between our teeth (fredsythe - au where fp goes to college and doesnt ruin his life)

and they were roommates (fredsythe - another college au)

The Construction Tree (jarchie - idk what this is about i dont read kid fics im sorry... but julias a bomb ass writer so im sure the jarchies will love it anyway)

flowers grow through cement (fred gaining weight and feeling insecure)

night creatures call and the dead start to walk in their masquerade (HALLOWEEN FREDSYTHE BABYYYY!)

get me a prescription for that one perfect touch (fredsythe sick fic)

i don't know where else i can go (more hal and fred bonding hour)

everybody's got a hungry heart (fredsythe sexy time with food... that sounds weird.... listen either youre into it or youre not)

not so typical love song (fp and mary bonding hour)

all the redemption i can offer (fremary after the shooting... im pretty sure... listen i have a bad brain i cant remember things just read it)

Simply Irresistible (fred is a ho)

took the words (right out of my mouth) (four times fred and fp say ‘i love you’)

if you wanna get it done you gotta do it yourself (fp and mary loving fred... who is a ho)

people livin' in competition (more fp/fred/mary nonsense with fp gay pining what a good triangle i would have liked to seen it...)

buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight (mary works at youth crisis hotline and fred calls in)

that's what they say when we're together (halram post high school au)

a good old fashioned romance (hiram flaunting his wealth instead of displaying emotions)

you don't know what (you) got (fred has great friends even though hes a bit of a putz)

watch your weight (more fredsythe food shenanigans)

Valuable Lessons Learned On The Tilt-A-Whirl, or "Babe, You Ought To Quit This Scene Too" (alice hermione fred and fp go to the fair)

what once was (jughead and the andrews after freds shooting)

you must remember this (i have no recollection of what this is about but it sounds jughead centric)

takes guts to be gentle and kind (idk what this is either lmfao but i know julia saved moose and midge in it... idk midge but good for her [granted this also takes place after 202 so keep that in mind])

FP Jones and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad House Party (or, "Nothing Good Ever Happens At One Of These") (oh i remember this one.... mmmm. title tells you all really)

and so please help them with your youth ( ‘fred teaches archie to walk. archie returns the favor’)

andrews & son (more fred and archie post 201)

Blueberry Pie (fredsythe - my review of this fic is just me clutching my chest saying ‘oh god, oh fuck’)

never drill for oil on a city street (part 1 of mary working at a youth crisis hotline and fred calling in and i should put this above the other fic but like... you can figure out one and two on your own i believe in you)

The Perils of Faking Illness (or, “two times Fred Andrews faked sick to get out of class and one time he actually needed a hospital”) (read the title)

healing, in three parts (fred fp archie and jughead attempt a roadtrip)

all along the watchtower (#fredandrewsisriverdale)

guess that we were too much of the same kind (fred getting visitors in the hospital)

sometimes wonder what's beneath the mess you've become (fred and alice bonding hour)

nice day for a white wedding (fredsythe hospital times babyyyy!)

The Unexpected Perks of Feminist Activism (or, "Fingertip Rules") (fred gets fucked in a skirt by fp thats all you need to know)

Any Way You Want It (reggie x moose idk what it is but if you like them here you go)

fun, fun, fun (till her daddy takes the t-bird away) (beach antics! freds a menace but fp loves him anyway...)

hands over the ears of my heart (fred and hermione share a bed but platonically)

the apocalypse comes sooner than you think (fredsythemione antics)

small as a world and large as alone (a series of drabbles about archie jughead and fred post 104)

do a good turn daily (archie x reggie post 103)

seven minutes in heaven (archie and reggie picked for 7 minutes in heaven)

tell me every terrible thing you ever did (archie drops jughead off after the pep rally)

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

I'm so happy you're open to other fsndoms cuz i LOVE your writing! Ok! Doctor who fic, 10th doc x overweight reader. Maybe reader is insecure and has a dash of anxiety about not being good enough and thinks she's holding the doctor back and doesn't see that he is ridiculously infatuated with her cuz she's so good at helping the new people they meet and being open to anything and just wants to help! Are we suprised I'm asking for love confessions? Cuz i dont feel surprised that I'm asking for love confessions. Haha! Just if you feel up to it lovely! Thanks for all the writing you do! (Obligatory HEARTS!)

Fandom: Doctor Who Pairing: 10th Doctor x Reader Word Count: 841 Rating: G a/n: Sorry it’s so late love xo

                You promised yourself that this would be the last time.

The last mission you joined him on. The last jump through the continuum. The last night being lulled to sleep by the soft whirring noises of the TARDIS as it wove through time and space in its own strange and wonderful way. It had been a lovely year, but it was time to put aside the dreams of something more. Because at the end of the day, that’s what it came down to. Dreams. Beautiful things that felt possible but you knew in your heart could never be. You tried to react with the same enthusiasm you always did when you stepped out onto a new planet, the Doctor’s wide grin sending a thrill through your heart as it always did, though bittersweet this time.

                “D’you like it?” he asked, in a tone that suggested he already knew the answer. He still craved the validation of your answer and when he turned to look at you his smile faltered slightly.

                “It’s wonderful,” you answered, truthfully though not a little wistfully.

                “What is it?” he asked, worry creasing his brows.

                “Nothing! It’s fantastic!” you pressed, pushing the enthusiasm harder. You seized his hand and pulled him forward, cutting off whatever he was going to say next. “Allons-y, Doctor!”

                The day was everything you could have hoped it would be from a last day. There were fascinating inhabitants, stunning landscapes, and it ended with the pair of you running hand in hand away from certain danger. As you sat shoulder to shoulder on the domed roof of the local library you gazed at the skies which were a stunning ever-changing hue.

                “So when are we going to talk about whatever’s bobbing around in your head?” he asked, breaking the peaceful silence. You stiffened slightly and he watched as you debated playing it off some more or being honest. You met his eyes and all pretense dropped, the weight of your decision visible as your shoulders slumped and tears filled your eyes.

                “I think it’s time we parted,” you said, working hard to keep your voice level and clear. You looked away, unable to hold his gaze and watch as confusion and hurt filled them.

                “What?” he asked.

                “It’s just… it’s time,” you said vaguely. A silence fell, heavier than the last. You clasped your hands in  your lap, trying desperately to hold yourself together though you felt yourself unraveling.

                “This is what you want?”

                His voice was soft and defeated, a wounded thing like the man that owned it.

                “It’s not that simple,” you answered.

                “Explain it to me,” he pleaded. He placed a hand on one of yours and you felt your heart wrench at the touch, and the thought that it may be the last time you’d ever feel it.

                “I hold you back. I’m not a gymnast like Rose was. I’m slower and I’m not as flexible and I’m not as clever. I don’t know any languages except English – barely – and I’m not especially brave. I’m just… me. And you deserve so much more. You deserve everything.”

                Tears slipped down your cheeks and you let them fall. If this would be your last day together, it would be an honest one. You would give him that much at least. His hand tightened around yours and you heard him shift, could see him crouching next to you from the corner of your eye.

                “Look at me,” he said, voice a little stern though you could hear something like desperation in it. “Please.”

                You turned your head just enough to meet his gaze, the same brown, centuries-wearied eyes you’d looked into a thousand times and wanted to look into for the rest of your life, and waited.

                “You are many things, Y/N, but the one thing I never expected is that you would be foolish,” he said. You blinked in surprise, not sure what to do with that.

                “Hold me back? Hold me back from what, my own loneliness? Foolish pride? Certain death at times? Hold me back from seeing things in a brilliant, brand new way? Anyone would be lucky to be held back that way. Let’s talk about the things you give me. Laughter and courage and kindness, you’re so kind, Y/N. To everyone you meet. You’ve never once responded with fear, no matter what the being you met looked like or sounded like. You are always eager to greet all things with gentle acceptance, myself most of all. Rose and I had a love for our time, but now it’s yours, Y/N, yours and mine. And I defy anyone to make me feel differently, least of all you,” he vowed.

                “Did… did you just say you love me?” you asked, heart pounding swiftly as you watched realization come over his face and then a slow, warm smile of delight.

                “Yeah, I suppose I did,” he answered, sounding surprised but thrilled, as though this was just another adventure he was eager to go on.

                And, in a way, it was.

[moltazia]

A court of silver flames plot rewrite

Plot doctor. SPOILERS!!!

ok so i really dislike the latest ACOTAR book, it really undercut the illyrians as cool warriors and the achievements of rhys, cas and azriel for reaching the mountain. Really 3 people whos trained for a year is alot better than people whos trained their whole life?? it also really ignored Nestas actuall skillset and seemed to try and make her feyre 2.0. in this feyre is also very much not pregnant. that whole plotline deserves its own book and since they said they wanted to wait i think it can happen 50 years into the future or something rather than the immidiate next book from the one saying they wanted to wait. also no attempted rape tacked on plot or 3 objects everyone just forgot about. if i was to do a rewrite of the plot beats and settings of the book it would go something like this:

we move it so nesta actually moves to the illyrian camp full time for her intervention. with how the human society is structured this fits her better than velaris with the more strict and defined gender roles, we can explore here how in a way she is quite alike to illyrians. cassian is frustrated that she is not on his side when it comes to training women. we see flashbacks of her life and how it was beaten into her by her parents and everyone around her that it was mens job to care for women and it was horrible and unsightly if a woman tried to do anything on her own or push to hard for something with physical force.

she helps with the womens chores but are also confronted with the ones who want more out of life and they ask her why she thinks why shouldnt they be allowed. not all women will suddenly be trained, just the ones who want to. she comes around. she makes friends with the female shop keeper, she really likes the idea of being in control of making and having her own money. flashback to the cottage, her frustration with her father for not fulfillinf the role of provider and leader he was "supposed to" and her not being able to bring herlsef to chop the wood because it will ruin her hands, hands she was told to take care of because it was a sign she was a lady. her admiration for feyre for bringing them food but that first instinct to shun her for not being feminine or adhering to her role is very strong. she doesnt know how to handle it.

life in camp settles into a routine a bit, she sees cassian caring for his people and being a gentle person, she finds this very admirable and thirts a bit. sexism being directed at her, now that shes settled in with the women well the other illyrians have started to regard her as "just another woman" she gets angry and it becomes a bigger spat. she gets some approving comment from the more outspoken women who wants to train. she asks cassian to show her some basic defense moves.

she sees a wing clipping when cassian is gone to inspect some other camt´p and she tries to intervene she cant do anything since shes too weak and illyrians are stone hard super warriors. she makes the bargain with Cassian this time its for protection if another spat happends and so through the bargain she could summon him.

the evil queen attacks the camp with autumn court soldiers. its a disaster and alot of people die. since it was made clear they were soley after nesta she gets blamed for the attack in the high emotions after when people find their loved ones dead. she cant stay in the camp any longer.

cassian and her leaves for the court of nightmares, meeting up with the gang and Eris to discuss whats happened.(before eris arrives it is tense between her and feyre, fyre tries to hug her after hearing what happened and nest cant stand to ahve someone be kind to her after feeling like shes to blame and shrugs her off) it is agreed since nesta is a mostly neutral person to the rest of the courts and the one most trained in court manners she will be the one to go with Eris back to the autumn court to investigate. cassian will come with her as her personal guard. as the queens sister it is not something off about that arrangement. to give a reason for her to visit the autumn court they decide to fake a romance between eris and nesta. same ballroom scene as in the book.

longer flashback of nestas life right before poverty, shes the ultimate mean girl and a social butterfly, switching masks to be different people to different artistocrats with ease. shes admired and she holds high society in her small lace gloved hand. they arrive in the autumn court. she gets a "low" faerie assigned to her as a handmaiden. she has a audience with Beron and his wife.

Eris is a much better mirror for nesta than cassian. he is the same as her in many regards, growing up in a strict role. missing a step in the social dance can mean death (symbolically for nesta growing up, real here). putting on an uncaring mask to not show how intensly you care is a big theme in this part. Eris and Nesta are great at playing "the game" toghether and cassian as her silent bodyguard grows to admire her slyness and how great an actress she is, manipulating the courtiers to giving information and making accurate conclusions from their clothes and manners ("we can pressure X person to do this, their clothes are a season old and they are doing their own hair because its messier in the back where they cant see it in the mirror, this means they cant afford a hand maid anymore. give them a bribe and they will do anythign" etc). she and eris starts growing a friendship of two people who see alot of themselves in eachther.

they are figuring out the evil queen, but some moves from the enemy doesnt make sense, theres a third player in this game they realise (death god lake dude). the trio have become comfortable with each other and are hanging out and putting together their intel and gossip. Nesta becomes friends with her handmaiden. this helps break down her elitist and class barriers in her head a bit. while feyre has her painting it is to messy for nesta when she tried it.  but shes always loved clothes (we can see a bit of it in the first book even), she starts putting her own touch on dresses throughout the book and starts designing her own even. we can see how many in the court she has won over to her, cassians and eris´s side by what courtiers copy details from her designs.

she makes her handmaiden some nice outfits. we can also learn what nesta likes about herself here, in the dresses she designs: what does she emphasize, what does she hide? while she probably has a whole range of outfits to make her look anything from innocent to evil queen what does she wear when shes just "nesta"?  Feyre once remarked she hated her eyes because they reminded her of her mother and nesta. does nesta feel the same way or does she like her eyes for just the same reason? combat training with cassian continues in secret. some fun wrestling or close combat fighting flirting. she reflects on the fact that while she "let loose" in velaris and slept around she would never sleep with him casually, she knows it would mean somethign and she wouldnt be able to brush it off if she did. he asks her to teach him something aswell or explain some etiquette thing. idk, poin is that they are learning from eachother and admire each others strenghts. she says to him she thinks hes very brave to never masks his feelings but notes it leaves him open to manipulation easily. he asks back if shes then thinks herself a coward for always masking herself. conversation started out nice but turns sour.

Autumn court outing, she and cassian makes up and she opens up to him about her and feyres realtionship. we can also maybe get some more background on why shes so protective of elain here, as someone whos described to be so beautiful and charming i dont buy its because someone was like once mean to her. elain would have been popular in her own right.

she and eris ride together and jokes and such, he makes some halfjoking remark about cassian maybe and she defends him. they talk about family pressures and parental figures who are very imposing and bossy while the other is passive (something they have in common) eris lets down his guard a bit and talks about how he doesnt want to be like that, he doesnt want his future partner to be trapped in the same situation either. she talks about how she never really thought about how married life would be like growing up, everythign was about getting married. the after wasnt something discussed. she thinks about if she would ever want a family, she probably assumed she would have children one day (it was expected) but the only thing she can imagine is a perfect child like she was. she starts being afraid of if she has children she would turn into her mother. she has a quick image of cassian as a dad with a smiling little girl in his arms.

throughout this whole thing nesta is writing letters to the night court, it is expected since shes the high ladys sister and since they are surely read they use it to throw suspicion in the wrong places to beron about what she sees and suspects. but as she writes and recieves back letters and she reflects and improves on who she is, her letters become more heartfelt. doing some work to improve their relationship a bit. in her dresses she starts sewing in hidden pockets. Cassian gifts her a dagger, saying he thinks she will be able to be marginally more dangerous to others than herself by now with it. she makes a special hidden pocket for it and always has it on her.

the trio finds out who in the autumn court is the death gods agent and kidnaps them. azriel comes by to get information through torture but the agent does not break. Nesta goes in and through playing a perfect balance between caring and arrogant she gets the agent to slip up and give them a clue about where they will strike next, what they are after. Azriel is impressed, notes she is a a great interrogator and would make a great spy for him. he also notes to cassian about how shes changed alot since he saw her last. more focused and balanced in herself. Eris notes how she reminds him of Amarantha from the first book before she betrayed everyone and cassian gets mad he would say something like that. back and forth but and eris notes how "a knife is a knife, its about how its wielded." and pointing out that just because a person was an enemy on the battlefield doesnt mean he couldnt admire a skilled warrior. and so likening her to amarantha was a compliment. cassian huffily agrees and sees their, to his mind, more boring socialite nights with a new eye. same revelation as in the original book when nesta read battlefield books and saw how like it was to a court but for cassian instead.

the clue from the death gods agent leads them to trying to go after the mcguffin under the guise of a romantic trip. think a bunch of weapons hidden in a picknic basket. Handmaiden comes along to make it look real. on the perilous trip they all work together and and finally gets it, on the way back to bring the macguffin to meet up with nighcourt gang so amren can study it, they get attacked by the queens cronies again. Eris has the mcguffin and the handmaiden on his horse and rides off, making the smart decision to first and foremost get it out of the enemies reach and try and lure them off cassian and nesta. it doesnt work. the evil queen is overcome by her hatred for nesta and order her soldier after her instead of the mcguffin. nestas had some training but cant hold off soldiers whos trained for centuries and gets taken. she sees cassian being overwhelmed but still trying to get to her. she invokes the bargain of favour they made to force him to abandon her. they share a long look before he is forced by the bargain to fulfill her wish.

Eris and Cassian meets up the NC gang and they are besides themselves. a rescue mission is put toghether. Feyre insists on coming "she came for me, trying to pass the wall". handmaiden stays with azriel and amren.

Nesta wakes up in The evil queens castle. we get some one on one talks with the villain. we get insight into her motivations and why she valued her youth so much. we get to see how Nesta used to also think the most valuable thing about herself was how well she could appeal to others and the power that gave in a society wich was designed to make her powerless. she now finds it a bit sad and reflects on how much she values her new friendships and how cassian would probably still like her even if she wasnt traditionally beautiful anymore. The Villain starts draining her blood bathory style to get her youth back. agents of the deathgod comes and makes her stop before Nesta dies. he has bigger plans for her. Evil Queen looses her shit at not getting to kill her.

we see eris, feyre, and cass making plans for how to get in and rescue Nesta. some heart to heart between feyre and Cas about his feelings for Nesta and how hes holding off on showing her them. He talks about how hes seen alot get thrown at her. he talks about how she havent gotten to choose alot in her life and so in a way he hates the bond because he himself realises that that is yet another thing she havent gottent to choose. feyre wonders if nesta thinks he isnt attracted to her. that she thinks cassian only said what he said in the heat of the moment on the battefield. Cassian is dumbstruck by how anyone could not be attracted to nesta.

Evil queen comes by to taunt nesta in her cell. they exchange barbs and she lies and says she killed "her warrior" to mess with her. Nesta doesnt believe her but still gets anxious. has a twinge of doubt anyones goign to rescue her. elaine has always been with her when things go bad and a part of her thinks they only got rescued because of her since everyone loves elaine and now when its just her will they still come?

shes to be transported somwhere by the evil deathgods cronies and the evil queen is accommpanying them. the rescue trio sees them leaving. their whole plan on infiltration flies out the window and they have to move quick. Feyre uses her shape shifting to look human and makes herself bait. running at the caravan of nestas captors when theyve left the city (a castle usually have a city around it) screaming theres fae attacking from there pointing to the right as eris and cass attack from the completely opposite side. in the chaos nesta gets loose and starts running for the trees evil queen blindly pursue her and tries to kill her. with her arms free she grabbs the hidden dagger from her dress and kills the queen in self defense. the rescue trio finds her and they all go back to Night Court.

the book concludes with her and cassian having a heart to heart about how he was so worried he would loose her again and she admitting how she certainly feels somethign for him but she wants to take it slow. (her being terrified of showing her true raw feelings have yet to be resolved. her admitting this much is a big step forward for her) and they have a super smoldery kiss.

end of book. sets up evil lake dude as big baddie, nesta gets to have her own skillset instead of being yet another warrior and next book can build on the change illyrian culture regarding women plot aswell. and makes the sex have some build up.

this whole thing was of course just my personal opinion, and an impulsive plot and theme re-write. rant over.

[foolgobi65]

careful man’s careless daughter

@philtstone prompted: Anne/Gilbert babysitter au fake dating prompt #5 let’s go laydees “you have the emotional capacity of a brick. that slate I broke over  your head.” (we’re pretending people still use slates now....american schools have no money...its possible ok) 

k so i was trying to figure out how to work in the babysitter + fake dating and ... like a flash the plot to this old telugu/tamil movie i love missamma/missaimaa came to mind -- its not quite the same because they’re two people pretending to be married so that they can make money as school teachers/live in tutors for a wealthy family’s daughter but it works just enough that i decided to roll with it lol. 

this technically isn’t the actual babysitting, nor the fake dating which I actually turned into a fake marriage lol, but i hope u still like it, even though it is all over the place and a general wreck because i wrote it straight through without any editing or thought towards pacing/characterization bc i havent written in forever lol!! im not even sure what the time period setting is lol, and i dont think my translating of the anne events into a semi modern day even works but w/e lol. 

u are the truest of friends, the light of my life, and have certainly heard more than your share of my mental breakdowns both in the last month and the last few years lol. u deserve all the good things, all the good fic, all the time. 

title is a perversion of a tswift lyric because it came up on youtube. if anyone wants to send in prompts from here

---

“You owe him how much?” 

Anne sighs, crossing her legs to hide how uncomfortable she is in this moment -- here she is in the park, fifteen thousand dollars plus interest in medical debt for Marilla’s eye surgery and being hounded by Roy Gardner, ex boyfriend apparently turned loan shark who was on his knees proclaiming both love and loan forgiveness should Anne just accept his proposal. 

Here Gilbert Blythe is, sitting on a park bench after two years without contact, watching the whole thing. 

“Marilla doesn’t have health insurance,” Anne says, eyes on the ground as she uses the toe of her shoe to grind a leaf into the sidewalk cement. “Even when I was teaching, the union plan didn’t let people add parents on as dependents.” She sighs. “With everything happening with the farm, she couldn’t afford to put money towards a plan and so when her eyes got bad....” 

For a moment, there is silence. Anne can almost hear Gilbert’s jaw clench “That’s just wrong.” 

Anne laughs, and because her eyes are averted she doesn’t see Gilbert flinch. “That’s America, Blythe.” 

“Well,” she hears him say, tone just dripping with what Mrs. Rachel would call the Blythe Stubbornness, “It shouldn’t be.” 

She won’t ever admit it, but there’s something Anne has always found deeply compelling about Gilbert when he gets into these moods -- all righteously indignant in a way that Anne feels inside of her own body. Or felt, before Matthew died and left behind debts not even Marilla had known about, and Marilla’s eyes worsened around the the time Anne was let go from her teaching job and even if she had had the job it wouldn’t have mattered, she knows, but still. Beautiful, wonderful, beloved Diana had offered to help, of course she had, but Anne knew that Fred’s business wasn’t yet where it should be and that the parents Barry were still unimpressed with their son in law to be’s financial acumen. So she’d had to go to Roy, who had of course lent his beautiful Anne the money, and of course had arranged for Marilla to be treated at the best hospital in Toronto, of course had set them up in the apartment of a friend of his right in downtown where the rents were a thousand maybe two per month. He’d popped the question for the third time the second Marilla had been released back into Anne’s care. 

Almost as if he can hear her thoughts, Gilbert speaks -- “Gardner shouldn’t be harassing you like this either. Who ever heard of charging interest on a loan to a friend? And what on earth does he think he’s going to take from you if you just don’t pay?” 

Anne burns. This, she hasn’t told Marilla, nor even her darling Diana. For some reason, it seems alright to tell Gilbert. “The farm,” she mumbles.

Gilbert snorts. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Are you saying that Roy Gardner, heir to one of the biggest fortunes in Boston and your ex boyfriend, took your home as collateral on a loan for money you needed to pay for your mother’s surgery?” 

Anne says nothing. She still hasn’t looked up at him, hasn’t been able to meet his gaze since she sat down on the bench and told Roy to get up off his knees and wait two months for either his money or her affirmative answer. She blinks, having mercifully forgotten that Gilbert was present for that last bit. She hopes he’s forgotten too. 

“And wait, before he left you said....” No such luck. “Anne!” Anne’s sure her entire head must be flame as she closes her eyes, bringing her knees up on the park bench and burying her face into her own lap. “Anne you said you’d marry him if you couldn’t get the money!” 

“There’s no debt between spouses,” Anne mumbles. “We’d get to keep the farm, and I wouldn’t ever worry about Marilla’s health again.” 

“But you don’t love him!” She doesn’t know if she’s ever heard Gilbert sound so scandalized. 

“I used to!” she tries to retort, but even Anne knows that her voice betrays her when she tries to speak this lie. “I used to think I was,” she amends, “and maybe that’s as close as I’m allowed to get -- he’s rich, handsome, he even loves me! What more could I ask for?” 

“Coercing you into marriage, demanding interest on money that we all know is just pocket change for someone like him...that’s not love,” Gilbert Blythe responds, with all that....that all-knowing Blytheness in his voice that Anne has hated since she was 13 years old and the new kid in a class of people who had always known each other just as easily as they had known themselves. “Love is selfless, Anne, strong and kind. It makes you better for giving away your heart, even if the one you love doesn’t give you theirs in return.” 

Gilbert Blythe, always acting as if he knows something Anne does not. He speaks as if he’s been in love, at some point over the years since he was last in Avonlea and for some reason Anne absolutely burns with that knowledge. Ooh she just hates him, now at 24 just as easily as she had at 13! 

“And what exactly is love worth if it means I just lose the farm trying to pay for Marilla’s surgery, and still have nothing for the next time she’s sick?” Suddenly Anne is on her feet, hands on her hips as she glares at Gilbert looking quite alarmed as he still sits on the bench. The words she has kept locked on the inside, too private to even be written in a diary, come pouring out in one big rush:

“Three of my four parents are already dead, Gilbert Blythe.” Her voice hitches, to her horror, her sudden fury vanishes as she has to blink away the tears she has kept at bay since she and Marilla buried Matthew. Damn Gilbert, for bringing this out of her as well. “I can’t...I couldn’t bear to lose anyone else.” Her lips thin, and with a breath, her voice steadies. “I don’t care what you, or anyone else thinks about my choices if it means that I can take care of Marilla.” 

Gilbert’s eyes have the sheen of his own tears when he stands, his own lips wobbling just slightly. “I...” he swallows. “Of course, Anne.” Something Anne recognizes as self hatred passes briefly over his face, but she doesn’t understand. “I wish I had money like Gardner to give you, I really do.”   

Anne gentles, even if something inside her twists to be the object of the long-old guilt mixed with pity, much less Gilbert Blythe. Since Matthew’s death, every person in Avonlea it seems has sat with Anne and Marilla and offered their deep condolences, their absolute shock at the pair’s financial state of affairs, how much they wish they could help but sadly cannot, what with the way the bank’s collapse has hit their own finances. Only families like the Gardners survive economic crashes with money to burn. 

“I wouldn’t have taken it even if you had,” she offers instead, shrugging casually. 

His eyes flash. “But you took Gardner’s?” 

“I thought he loved me!” Anne closes her eyes, somehow feeling her cheeks flush even deeper. This is why she’s avoided all mention of Gilbert Blythe so strenuously since high school graduation, because more than anyone else he is the one who drags out the words she is always learning to keep inside. Here he is, somehow pulling confessions Anne hadn’t even dreamed of telling Diana, confessions that make her seem small, and stupid, lost in a world so much more complicated and treacherous than she can handle all on her lonesome. 

Well, she thinks, in for a penny -- 

“I thought he loved me,” she says, “and that he had the money to spare. I didn’t realize...” She looks away again, so that she never has to see him react to her folly. 

“Oh Anne,” Gilbert says, for some reason so soft and stricken that Anne’s knees go weak with her sudden desire to fall to the ground and weep. “You deserve so much better.” 

And now she’s angry again. “What would you know about what I deserve?” Anne spits, “you haven’t even been home since you started med school!” Vaguely, Anne thinks that Gilbert hasn’t been home since she and Roy had gotten serious, serious enough for her to bring him to Green Gables and show him the place that had been her very first love. Coincidences can be so strange. 

“It doesn’t matter,” she says, glaring again at the ground. “None of this matters. I’m just going to go home” Anne clenches her jaw, knowing that when she gets back to Green Gables she will go into her room and play every excruciating part of this conversation back in her head, again and again until she throws up or passes out at dawn from sheer exhaustion. Maybe both, if she’s lucky. She leans back slightly and manages to turn around on her heels, a trick Gilbert Blythe had always pulled at school and had had girls thinking he was so cool.

She’s five minutes away from the park bench when suddenly she hears him call out her name. 

“Anne,” he shouts again much closer, bending at his waist to balance his hands at his knees as he pants. “God, it really has been two years since I was on the university football team.” 

Despite the roiling emotions of five minutes ago, Anne’s lips quirk. “I can’t imagine you all practiced very much to end up near the bottom of your league every year.” 

Gilbert’s eyes widen, and for some reason he flushes. Maybe he’s so out of shape that it’s from exertion? “I didn’t realize you kept up with my matches.”  Ah. Anne, it seems, will experience nothing else but one long sustained flush as long as she is in front of Gilbert Blythe. “You know,” she tries to say casually, “you hear things here and there. Diana told me the village gossip.” 

Gilbert opens his mouth, but then suddenly shakes his head, like a dog trying to dislodge water from its fur. “I have...” he frowns. “I have a proposition for you.”  Anne raises what she hopes is an elegant eyebrow. “Oh?” 

He grimaces. “There’s a boarding school, a Catholic one, that’s asking for teachers over the summer for a few of their select students who want to be coached for college admissions. Essays, standardized tests, everything. They’ve got heaps of money, and are willing to pay salaries up front. Plus, they cover all your expenses while you’re there!” 

Anne blinks, feeling the beginnings of hope gather as kindling at the very dredges of her heart. Once, both Anne and Gilbert had competed so well against each other that they had both gotten into Harvard. Then, Matthew had died, and Anne decided she could just as easily get a teaching degree at the state school and stay closer to Marilla too. Gilbert alone had had the distinction of being the first from Avonlea to reach such heights, and had reached even higher when he had been accepted again to Harvard Medical School. 

But at one point, both Anne and Gilbert had taken their SATs. They’d both written their application essays. They’d both gotten in. Anne, even, had been offered a full ride compared to Gilbert’s only partial scholarship, so there could even be an argument that of the two, Anne had been the one on top. 

And if nothing else, Anne is even better at teaching than she was at taking tests. 

“I’ll do it,” she says firmly. “Where and when do I need to report, and how much money are they offering?”  For a second, a bright, dazzling grin paints Gilbert’s face. “Really? Ten--” he coughs, “Twenty thousand.” Anne frowns. 

“Each?” It sounds like a dream come true. Five thousand more than Anne needs, and paid upfront. She could save the farm, and put away five thousand towards the farm’s debts. “That sounds....exorbitant.”  He nods, suddenly more confident. “Yep! Twenty thousand for sure.” He laughs. “I know Gardner was supposed to be slumming it at state school, but you really can’t be surprised at how much money rich people are willing to throw at a problem.” 

“The problem being...their children.”  Gilbert’s grin turns wicked. “The problem being their children’s SAT scores, and lack of compelling anecdote to base an admission’s essay on, yes.” 

Anne laughs, wicked in this moment as well. She wishes in this moment, fiercely, as she has many times over the last few years, that she had been able to go to university with Gilbert at her side -- as the friends they had slowly begun to be after years of one and two sided enmity, before time and distance had turned them into near strangers. She doesn’t regret staying back, not really, but there is a part of her that no one had ever understood half as well as Gilbert Blythe, who had, after the Harvard interest meeting, drawn and pinned up a schedule for practice SATs that took into account both his and Anne’s often conflicting life schedules. 

“What’s the catch,” she asks, grinning when Gilbert chokes “come on, Blythe, there’s always a catch with offers like this. Is it across from a waste manufacturing plant? Is the principal a pervert?” 

Slowly, Gilbert Blythe is turning red. “Ah,” he says, shuffling like he never did even when he was an errant schoolboy. “Well,” he says, and....is that his voice cracking? 

“Gilbert,” Anne says, trying to reassure him, “I grew up in the foster system, I can handle much worse than bad smells and pervert principals, I promise.” 

He frowns. “It’s not that,” he says slowly, “but basically they’re looking for two teachers, a man and a woman to manage the boys and the girls while the rest of the staff go on vacation.” 

Anne smiles, trying to ignore the jolt of her heart at the thought of an entire summer with Gilbert, studying like they used to but as friends. Her old dreams, finally coming true. “That’s perfect then, you take one job and I’ll take the other! It’ll be like old times, kind of.” 

He smiles faintly, as if, even after locking horns with the best and brightest at Harvard, Anne is still the person he wants to be trading barbs with over the heads of high school students for months on end. “I’d like nothing better, he says, except...” 

“Except?” 

Gilbert inhales. “ExceptTheSchoolWillOnlyHireAMarriedCoupleSoThatTheyDon’tHaveToWorryAboutOutofWedlockSexorTeachersHavingSexWithStudents.” All in a rush, and now Gilbert is the one who can’t apparently handle eye contact.

“What?” 

“The school,” Gilbert says to his shoes, “since it’s Catholic, and also since they’re lazy, only want a married couple so that they don’t have to have anyone watching to make sure the teachers aren’t having sex with the students. Or each other.” 

Anne blinks. “But we’re not married!” 

Gilbert grimaces, opening his mouth, but then just biting his lip. They could be, Anne thinks, only a tad hysterical. Only all of Avonlea was matching them up all the years of high school, and even the years after until she’d met Roy. It would be so easy to get a certificate. They could get a divorce by September, even annul their marriage since they definitely wouldn’t be having sex. 

Twenty thousand dollars. 

“So what you’re saying,” Anne says slowly, her lip curling of its own accord “is that after all that talk about what love is and isn’t, and telling me that I shouldn’t marry Roy for the money he’d give me, your blockheaded solution is instead, for me to marry you?” 

Gilbert looks up. “Well when you put it that way--”  Anne sees red, even as she already sees herself in one of her old white lace dresses, standing with Gilbert at the courtroom and signing. “Gilbert Blythe I don’t believe you! Sometimes, I think that you really do have all the emotional capacity of that slate I broke over your head!” 

“I know,” he says tone heavy with something so sad that Anne’s hearten softens a bit of its own accord. “But you really need the money, and I promise we’ll get a divorce by September.” He smiles, but there’s something bitter at the corners that Anne has never seen before -- she almost raises her hand to rub the strand of emotion off his lips. “And you’re not the only one who needs the money. Will you do it?” 

Twenty thousand dollars. The farm, Marilla, an end to the eternal pity of Avonlea. And also, a small part of her suggests, an opportunity to finally spend time with this new Gilbert Blythe who went off into the world and left her behind. 

She sighs. “I vote that you be the one to tell Mrs. Lynde.” 

[highkingfen]

Hey, just wanted to say you’re a good and gentle person that I admire a lot. I decided to not watch season 5 for personal reasons and I did rant about it a lot in a way that I kinda regret now when I understand that, for some people, it’s their main source of joy. You’re a brave and kind person who deserves to have some fun in her life and I’m sorry for, in a way, raining on your parade (not you in particular but you’re one of the most active TM fan and you’ve been through a lot recently)

Hey nonnie!

Thank you for sending this message and I will put it public and on the main tag so anyone can see it and see your apology. I accept them and I am proud of you for coming up and saying this because apologizing is one of the hardest things to do our days. Knows that I have no hard feeling towards you and if you want to talk to me off anon Id be glad to tell you IRL how I forgive you

After season 4 the tag has been a mess, its true. And I will never deny people who are angry and refuse to see the show or boycott it. I understand it hurts people and some found it unforgivable. I get that. 

What hurts the most its when attack becomes personal and-or towards fans. If you decide not to watch a thing it's ok but attacking others who do not think like you is not ok. I had to block people I liked and-or adore their work because things got personal toward me specifically.  

We are talking about a tv show here, not about true life-and-death policy (such as encouraging a nazi party, being pro-caging-the-immigrant ect..) 

YES the show feels real. YES they are more than character, Heck I am the first to admit I identify with Fen to a degree that is a bit unhealthy (though I am aware and try to remind myself that she is not real).  I mean heck Brittanny DM on twitter to be sure I was ok after last episode cause I have a heavy trigger about cheating. 

But their meaning to you does not mean it has for the rest of the community. So if you were hurt by what happened to Q or how the writer handled it, it is up to you to decide what you want to do with it. But saying to others they should not is removing them the power of having a different opinion or to take the show as entertainment. 

Here how I watch the show: I am FULLY aware of what they did in s04 and I am saying their treatment of Qw as not ok. Yet I continue to watch. My husband told me I can watch a show that is a problematic fave. And I kinda felt better after he made me realize I can be aware of the show's flaws and still enjoying it

Now I am not saying you are not allowed to rant and say you dont like the show. But I truly believe there is a way for us who watch the show and those whe need to vent to co-exist together. And for that please tag your things!  I tag all my season 5 things with ‘’season 5′’ or ‘’info:season 5′’ and I simply ask people to tag their negative rant with their own thing (I saw magicians negativity, magicians salt, tm rant etc.) that way you can block anything season 5 and I can block things that I dont have the emotional energy to engage every time I go on the tag. 

I do read some of the criticism. When I can. When I mentally can. And I hope you and others understand why I am a big fan of tags. Those who refused I simply block them because they basically say ‘’I do not respect your mental health but you have to respect mine’’ which is total hypocrisy 

Just...dont attack other people on internet. You put your hurt into anger and anger into hate (Yoda said it better I know, I know) and all this energy should be put into better use to make sure the writer and producer learn to know better instead of being the police of who-watch-what. 

Now about the joy part. There is a podcast I adore and is part of the reason I started to write the DND book two years ago (omg already). Its call The adventure zone. And one of the character said this sentence that kinda changed my life 

What brings me joy is… life. I think you can find joy anywhere in life, I think it’s a conscious choice. I think you choose joy in life. And no matter how bad things are, no matter how crummy, no matter how dark, no matter how many times some guy named John kills your ass- you find joy. I’ve found joy, honest to God, getting to know you.  I’ve found joy playing chess with you. I have enjoyed-I haven’t enjoyed you know, getting my ass killed, but I find joy in whatever I do. I don’t always do things right, and I don’t always do things smart, and I don’t always do a character voice,  but whatever I do, I find joy in it. Because at the end of the day, that’s all you got. It’s looking back on the joy you had, and the joy you found, and the joy you gave other people.

I do not deny that some people might not find joy into The Magicians anymore. But I do. Despite its flaws. Knowing its flaws. I do not watch it blindly thinking its the best representation we have nor days (not anymore). But I still love it and having a ‘’Magicians Day!’’ every Wednesday brings me joy. Making edits of the show bring show joy. Screaming about plot twist brings me joy. 

So I choose joy by still loving the magicians

and I hope, dear anon, you do to. In anything, you decide to love in your life.

PS: Listen to the adventure zone its fucking good and theres good LGBT character in it:P