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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #406

“turned on all the lights, the tv, and the radio / still, i can’t escape the ghost of you”

Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you have any rare medical conditions? I believe AvPD is considered to be a rare mental disorder. Do you have to carry an epi pen? No. What color is your mailbox? I think it's black. I don't pay attention. Would you ever want a job working with animals? I'd love to. The thing is, without a degree in something, my duties working with animals would almost certainly involve cleaning up after them, which I am WAY too squeamish with fecal matter and vomit to do. It's extremely embarrassing, but I've never even been able to clean up after my own pets if they ever had an accident or got sick. I obviously couldn't do it with random animals. Did you have a good high school experience? It's... so odd, retrospecting on high school. In some ways, it was the best time of my life because of my memories with my friends and especially Jason, but at the time, I absolutely loathed it and was horribly depressed. But at least I saw a future for myself. I took better care of myself, all that stuff... That Brittany would be fucking mortified to get a glimpse at who she becomes. Have you ever watched any Monty Python movies? Which one is your favourite? I know I've seen some of at least one. Would you ever get a "below the belt" piercing? Nah. If a couple is married, do you think there should be any legal punishment if one person cheats? No...? Like don't get me wrong at all, I am firmly against cheating under any circumstance, but for there to be legal retribution seems extreme. What is the greatest source of anxiety for you? My future. Are there any hallucinogenic drugs you’d like to try? Nah man. What made you choose your current job? I'm unemployed. Do you feel uncomfortable on the dance floor? Or are you confident with you dancing abilities? Oh hunny, you won't see me on the dance floor. Unless MAYBE if the Cha-Cha Slide comes on, or the Cupid Shuffle. That's as skilled as I get, haha. Is it exciting to you to imagine having an affair with a teacher? ... No??????????? It's fucking creepy. Adultery isn't exciting. Do you like your smile? No. I absolutely look high when I smile. What is something silly that you believed to be true when you were a child? That I could invoke the traits of any animal, which I just referred to as my "animal powers." Like for example, if I "called upon" a kangaroo, I could jump higher. I was a weird fucking kid. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you completely connected with on a mental/emotional level, but did not find physically attractive in any way? Was physical intimacy a problem? How did it work out? I was never really physically attracted to Girt, but it was never a big deal to me. I cared way more about his personality and how much he cared about me. We were never really "intimate," per se, we just would give each other a simple peck. It didn't work out, but not at all because of physical things. He was just too much of a brother to me. What classic or cult movie have you never seen and have no desire to? Hm. I know there's some, but I'm blanking. Does The Human Centipede count here? Like everyone knows about it, so I would assume it does. I have ZERO desire to see a second of that repulsive movie. Have you ever taken a real liking to a band/singer you never ever....ever thought you'd enjoy? Maybe Melanie Martinez? Her voice is so cutesy, as are some of her songs, but I really enjoy how dark her lyrics can be. People who know me would probably be shocked to hear I thoroughly like her. After seeing the movie Avatar did you suddenly view our Earth as ugly and/or boring? If you have not seen the movie, do you think it’s worth your time? I've seen a little bit of it, but I never finished it because I was very tired and chose to go to sleep. I actually do want to see the full thing, though; it looks very good. How helpful are your parents to you? Would they help you to pay for your first apartment? College? Where does the line end? My parents are truly incredible with helping me the best they are capable of. They helped me pay for school, among other things, but I doubt they'd help with my first home, whenever that is. I wouldn't really want them to, either, because that's my responsibility for sure. Do you like playing video games? If so, what do you usually play? I love video games, and horror is absolutely my favorite genre. I also love fantasy games though with deep stories. I've never been the best at playing super long games, like Final Fantasy games, even if I'm seriously invested in the story, though. I burn out. Have you ever sewn a garment? No. Are there any plants in the room you’re in? No. I don't bother with plants. What’s your highest level of education? Some college. What’s the most important thing in any kind of relationship? Proper communication, probably. If you wear lipstick, what’s your favourite colour to wear? I only really put on lipstick to occasionally take a picture, and it's pretty much always black. Is your style feminine, masculine or somewhere in the middle? Somewhere in the middle, I guess? Are there a lot of dragonflies around your house? I've never seen one around this house, and I doubt I ever will because it's too urban. When we lived in the woods, however, I saw them a lot. Of all the Disney couples, which one would you say is your favorite? Kovu and Kiara came to my mind first. Do you think it is cute/funny or disgraceful when a child swears? It's shocking, more than anything. You don't expect it. I don't believe it should be encouraged, but only because children just don't know when swearing really isn't appropriate. If/when you have a baby, how do you think you would want to decorate its room? I don't want kids, but I'll entertain the question and assume this is before the child is born and develops interests. Whether it's a boy or a girl, I'd probably go with a cutesy animal theme. Would you more likely buy a shirt with a picture of Mickey/Minnie Mouse, a Winnie the Pooh character, Snoopy, Hello Kitty, or Tweety Bird on it? None, honestly. Perhaps like, a gothic Hello Kitty. Of all the states you have been to, which one did you have the best experiences? Putting aside the AWFUL heat and humidity, I probably had the best time in Florida. I loved all the palm trees, seeing so many lizards on my grandma's patio, and going to Disney World was a blast. I liked that swimming pools were always warm, too. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to? No. I was madly in love with him, so no regrets on that. If your boyfriend ever hit you, would you dump him? HA, BYYYYEEEEEEEEE MOTHERFUCKER. ZERO hesitation. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? He did, but I honestly don't know if he meant it. Is there anything you want to say to someone? It'll probably go unsaid for the rest of my life. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? Yikes, hard pass. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? Noooo thank you. Did you wake up in the middle of the night? I always do. Does your animal sleep with you? My cat does. Venus obviously sleeps in her terrarium, but she is in my room. Last color you dyed your hair? Red. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Very unlikely. I don't like my last name. What are you looking forward to? Hearing back again from the woman whose wedding I shot literally two years ago. I thought she ghosted me, but she messaged me the other day about seeing the pictures again and going through them to actually buy some. I don't know why the hell it took her two years, but whatever, I guess? I spent two whole hours resizing the files and re-adding the preview watermark (I deleted the OneDrive folder for space forever ago, but I have the files still), so I hate to sound like an ass, but she better buy something. Between sweating my ass off on location when I shot the wedding, editing those 100+ pictures two years ago, and now re-doing the previews, I have invested so much goddamn time into them that yeah, I think I have the right to be pretty damn salty if I don't hear back from her again. If your significant other cut sex out of your relationship for any reason, what would you do? It'd be whatever. I mean sure, that sort of intimacy is a very special part of serious romantic relationships to me, but I can live without it pretty easily. What was the last thing you said out loud? "Thank you for dinner" to my mom. She brought home Hardee's. Who are your godparents? I don't believe I have any. Do you like Gushers? omggggg yes Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? Nope. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Think of the last film you watched. Who was your favourite character? Uhhhh what was it... The Shining, I think? I didn't really develop a favorite. Do you have a friend whose name starts with ‘L’? Describe him/her. Lisa. <3 She's one of my WoW friends. She'll talk your ear off, but I don't really mind. She is SO sweet and caring for other people and loves to cook. She recently had triplets, and seeing as she had a son only months before accidentally getting pregnant with the triplets, she's obviously been MEGA busy so we haven't talked much lately. When you’re being kissed do you like it when they hold your face? Yeah, but not too early on. Doing that has a promise of seriousness and passion in it to me, and it would probably weird me out if that happened too soon. Last thing that made you cry? My health. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. I don't think it would look good on me. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have a place to sit when I want to, yeah. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Only sometimes. It's definitely not as bad as your average Southerner, though. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? Ha, what nice timing. I think they're very pretty, but I believe I went over in a recent survey how I don't encourage their usage in consideration of veterans with PTSD as well as being conscious of animals and the absolute terror it can cause for them. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? So my sister is a children's social worker, and she shares a LOT of stories with Mom (and me, if I'm present) that I can't listen to. The ones that involve pedophilia and/or rape, especially from the child's very own parent(s), I just cannot listen to. Period. It's so fucking repulsive and just unimaginable to me how even a monster of a human can commit something THAT goddamn vile. What’s your opinion of root beer? I'm not a big fan. I mean I can tolerate drinking some of it, but I don't really *enjoy* it. Have you ever seen The Breakfast Club, and what’s your opinion of it? I have, and I didn't get the appeal at all. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Oh god, I did. Those things are so creepy. If you had a baby boy, what would you name him? Damien, most likely.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''the ordinary world'' by the hit house

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waterparchive · 5 years ago

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Track By Track: ‘FANDOM’ with Waterparks

Brii Jamieson – October 21, 2019

Because who better to explain 'FANDOM' than the lads in Waterparks?

So now that we've all had a chance to listen to Waterparks' new album 'FANDOM' and properly mull it over and digest it, we thought that this would be an opportune moment to go through the album in more detail. But rather than us explaining the themes and nuances of the songs on the album, we asked Waterparks to talk us through each track on 'FANDOM'. Here we go.

01. ‘Cherry Red’ Awsten Knight: “I had another demo that I was doing of [‘Cherry Red’], and the file got corrupted. And I was like, ‘Fuck’. I couldn’t open it anymore, and dragged in all the pieces of audio, and just made new tracks of audio. I was going to try and rearrange it to the way I had it, but I pressed play and it sounded like ‘Cherry Red’ when it kicks in. I was just in my room like, ‘Oh shit!’ I was like, ‘Well that’s that’.

“That was fucking wild - but that’s the start to the best album in the world. It gives hints to the last song, because that last song goes, ‘So I must be dead’, and this one’s like, ‘You know I’d die for you’ - get it?”

02. ‘Watch What Happens Next’ Awsten: “‘Watch What Happens Next’ is me just being all, ‘Fuck y’all’. Not all of y’all, just like, a lot of y’all. Most of y’all. All of y’all!

“I overthink shit, a lot of shit. I’m in a band. I overthink being in a band a lot. And one of those things that I’ve overthought is how most other genres are able to celebrate their successes, and it’s a very looked-down-on thing in ‘band world’ to talk about most shit besides feelings. It’s really weird, and it doesn’t really make sense. It’s naïve to pretend that that’s the only thing that exists, and also kind of bad because it panders to people that are just stuck in this cycle of being fucking sad all the time. It makes for mopey high school kids - like me!

“It’s about, in the same regard, how bands aren’t allowed to experiment as much with music as other kinds of people. This isn’t me shitting on it - this is me saying we should be allowed to do it. But hip-hop albums that I really love are super fuckin’ artsy, and if a band were to do that it would be like, ‘What the fuck are y’all doing?’ because when a band switches up the tiniest little thing, [fans] are not about it at all. And it’s super dogshit, it’s very weird, and I think it holds the genre back as a whole, so it was a very frustrating thing for me. So I wrote about it, as I tend to do.”

03. 'Dream Boy' Awsten: “‘Dream Boy’ is about fan expectations. It’s about being built into something, based on an idealised version of you - an unwarranted one, at that - where people look at you as a certain thing. They see you online as, ‘Oh, he’s this and this and this’, and they put what they need you to be into their heads. It’s built into this thing that you cannot live up to, and it’s ultimately going to lead to disappointment - on their end, and my end, because it doesn’t feel good to let people down. But that’s just what happens. Pop banger, dude!”

04. 'Easy To Hate' Awsten: “That one was a ‘Friendly Reminder’ song actually, but it was just a really good song and everyone said I should keep it, and I was just like, ‘Yo, you’re right’. It’s about a break up. Yeah.”

05. 'High Definition' Awsten: “You guys are gonna make me cry by the end of this, and I’m gonna be like, ‘I hope you’re happy with this feature and you get your clicks’. Here we go.

“‘High Definition’ was the latest set of lyrics written for the album - it was the last thing. It’s about not being able to get close to people, because of what we do, being gone all the time. Or, you know, starting to have some kind of stature and not trusting the people who hit you up, because people may not have done so much before.

“There’s a song that’s all, ‘Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me’ [Mike Jones’ ‘Back Then’] - but not in like a bragalicious way. It’s an, ‘I’m like really lonely, I hate all of this’, kind of way. It’s like that.”

06. 'Telephone' Awsten: “‘Telephone’ was written when I was super fucking depressed - surprise - and I was at Target. I saw a cute girl at Target, and instead of being like, ‘Sup’ - I would have never done that anyway - I went home and wrote a super obsessive love song, and it was so tight.”

Geoff Wigington: “He called me and was like, ‘Dude, I’ve just seen the prettiest person at Target, I don’t even know what to do - I can’t find them now. I think I’m just gonna go home and write about it’.”

Awsten: “Did that happen?”

Geoff: “Yeah!”

Awsten: “Alright. Either way, I also don’t remember what they look like anymore. Because I saw the responses when I said that were like, ‘What does she look like, blah blah blah missed connection’, and I honestly don’t remember. It was like, January 2018. Yeah, so that song’s that.

“There’s another reason that it almost wasn’t on the album - the original version was kind of pop-punk sounding, and I was like, ‘Fuck that’. But the other reason is, I was trying to decide if it takes away from the album - but it doesn’t though. Because with some of the other themes of the album, it counts as the sugar-spike in [‘Fandom’]. Because when you’re dealing with some shit, you have hard ups and downs, and it’s kind of like a manic thing. It’s lodged between ‘High Definition’ which is a very lonely, isolating song, then you’ve got the ‘AAAAAAH!’ (we pretend that ‘Group Chat’ isn’t a thing for a second), and we have ‘Turbulent’. So it’s between those guys. That’s how it’s meant to be. It’s like, low - very high - very low.”

07. ‘Group Chat' Awsten: “Let’s talk ‘Group Chat’ dude.” [They literally just performed ‘Group Chat’ here. That’s the whole thing].

08. ‘Turbulent’ Awsten: “I was like, ‘I’m done with break up songs dude, I’m over it’. Then I got re-mad at some new shit. Then I was like, ‘You know what though, if we’re gonna do this, it’s gotta be crazy different from everything else, sonically and lyrically’, so instead of approaching it like, ‘Eh’, it was like, ‘Fuck you nerd, I’m way tighter than all of this shit’. Oh my god, and then sonically it was just so dark and shiny and fast, and I was like, ‘This is the best’. [‘Turbulent’] was the turning point for ‘Fandom’ - that was the first thing made after being like, ‘You know what, that one is not going to work, we’re gonna start over’. That was the first thing, and then I was like, ‘Oh, this is what we’re supposed to be doing, alright’.”

09. 'Never Bloom Again' Awsten: “That song has been in the process of being written since 2015. I’ve got real old versions of that. But the thing is, it just kept evolving - I kept doing new verses, and changing things in the hook and stuff like that. And there was a version of it that was ready around the time of ‘Entertainment’ - it wasn’t quite the same, but the reason it wasn’t on there was because I was like, ‘If it’s only 10 songs, there shouldn’t be two acoustic. That might be overkill’.”

10. 'I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore' Awsten: “‘I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don’t Wanna Die Anymore’ is about missing having sex… but not wanting to die anymore. In the verses, I was just trying to talk directly to the fans - the first one that’s like, ‘Stop asking me that, don’t ask me that, I don’t wanna do that, I don’t wanna do that either’. It’s always somebody’s birthday. Always. But that song leaves nothing to be imagined�� If somebody is like, ‘What’s that line mean?’, I’d be like, ‘Can you read?’. When I say all the lyrics in this album are a lot more blunt, this one is the perfect example of that.”

11. 'War Crimes' Awsten: “Oh. Bud-dy. Oh my lord. What a crazy song. Initially there was another version - or when I first started doing it, it was like a girly base and I was like, ‘Shut up Awsten! We’ve got way tighter shit to say’. It’s me venting about the past year and a half, but it’s like an overview of that time, and is just me bitching about all of it, because bitching is great.

“I mean, we’ve toured a lot, so we’ve experienced a lot with other bands. We’ve experienced a lot just with other people in general and how they are, and how they treat you when things suck - or when things are tight. Or how they treat me because I’m the singer, and he’s just the drummer!”

12. ‘[REBOOT]’ Awsten: “Oh man, that’s like the pettiest breakup song, but it’s so great. I sing so quick in that song, it’s really fun. I wanted that one to come out before [the album] because I worry when songs are towards the back of the album that they’re just not gonna be heard as much, and it’s just a little more sonically… I don’t wanna say low-key - but other songs slam, or I’m like screaming and shit. I wanted to make sure it got its highlight.

“And plus, shout out to those Marilyn Manson-sounding vocals in the chorus - because I didn’t want it to stay the same dynamically, but when we tried to make it go up it just sounded dumb. I was like, ‘Do you know what we have to do? We have to go gloomier. Just sink that bottom half with some real dark shit, some real minor stuff in there’. We made it sound just like Marilyn Manson and it was crazy, and I was like ‘there it is! Bop!’.”

13. ‘Worst’ Awsten: “‘Worst’ was written in March 2019. That’s a lie.

“‘Worst’ started the way most demos do - on the laptop. But then I got upset! And I went and walked to Starbucks and put it on YouTube one morning after seeing some stuff online, and left it unlisted for a minute because I knew our old label would be like ‘waaa’ about it. So I left it up for a minute on unlisted so if people had the link they could find it, but then I deleted the tweet. So I just let it circulate, and dude that shit had like 30,000 views, which back then was like, a lot - because that was back before ‘Entertainment’. Then they made me put it on private, because they found that and Felony Steve: rest in peace Felony Steve (he’ll be back). But then people kept re-uploading it, and one of them has like 400,000 something views right now, which is crazy. So I was just like, ‘I think I can do that song way fucking better’, and sonically it’s completely different now. Yeah, that song is fuckin’ tight. It’s one of the more genre-unique songs on the album.”

14. ‘Zone Out’ Awsten: “‘Zone Out’ came before ‘Dream Boy’ - it was stuck in my head for a long time, and finally I just recorded that chip-tune version of it, for me. But it was kind of ad-libby and shit. So once I got more of the lyrics together I did that. I was just listening to it on repeat because I was like, ‘This is so beautiful’, but then I was like, ‘You know what, this song should be like a full-on pop banger’, and then ‘Dream Boy’ happened. But it’s meant to be like a reflection at the end of the album, kind of like, after all this shit. And it’s kind of more shaky sounding, low… a little more sarcastic at that point.”

15. ‘I Felt Younger When We Met' Awsten: “What a fuckin’ hit. Yeah, that song, there was a version of it for ‘Friendly Reminder’, but it was just super light and it just didn’t do its job. I was like, ‘It’s just not impacting the way it needs to, so it needs to be rewritten’, and now it’s the fucking most insane intro on the entire album - oh my god. When we first got that at the studio, I was in the car with it and I was just like, ‘Woah’, turned it up way to loud, and just started it over when it got to the verse. So crazy.

“That song lyrically links back in to ‘Cherry Red’ - because it’s all meant to be very cohesive, even with the album art and stuff like that. Like the clock hands on the orange - that’s supposed to be the visual, and the ticking at the end represents that it’s about to start over again. Because it’s cyclical! Because guess what, dude? One of the fucking themes, part of the concepts of ‘Fandom’ is grief, and grief is a fucking loopy thing, it’s not a straight path - sometimes you gotta start over again. And you know what? The album did that: sonically, visually, conceptually. It’s a concept album, give us a five.”

https://www.rocksound.tv/features/read/track-by-track-fandom-with-waterparks

#waterparks #waterparks band #waterparks interview #awsten interview #awsten knight #geoff wigington #fandom #rock sound

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prettypetitepika · 5 years ago

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@taylorswift appreciation post:

About a year ago, I was at the 2019 Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas. I was there on coincidence with what was my job for a mobile gaming convention. I was done with my meetings and was walking past the venue location. My two absolute favorite artists are Taylor and Brendon Urie from P!ATD. So naturally I decided to purchase a ticket to see the first live performance of ME! I got to the show and it was one of my favorite moments ever. To see Taylor and Brendon open was magical and definitely was something to see coming into the Lover era. After halfway through the show, my boss demanded I show face at an after party. Networking was a big part of my job role. To give more context... I had started my job in February 2019 and at that time, I had noticed very misogynistic behavior, comments and remarks from my direct boss. Things like "we hired you to pimp you out." In my boss' mind, he hired me for being a woman. To "attract stupid men in the gaming world" to make them spend money. From the very first month I started to hear these remarks, I began looking for a new job. Sadly, gaming is a hard industry to job hop in, especially when you're desperate for a new company to just treat you like a human being. Fast forward back to the night of the Billboard awards and now to the after party. I walked to the after party only to find my boss schmoozing to some people from a partner company. One of them was a man... very tall and large in stature doing "as many tequila shots as he can to max out the company bar tab." I like a few drinks but while on the clock, I'm mindful of my alcohol. With this said, the after the party was done, my boss volun-told me to help him, that man and a woman clean up the party. After we did, we were going to "walk from the MGM to the Wynn for a Diplo concert". Literally one end of the Vegas strip to another. That was the idea, the execution on the other hand was something else...

After the party, all four of us started to walk outside. This man started to cling to myself and the woman from earlier, who turned out to be his boss. He was stringing along like an incredibly heavy sack of potatoes. He was sloppy drunk. Tripping over us and holding onto our shoulders and waists. After seeing the struggle, my now inebriated boss hailed a cab. The woman went to the front seat. Meanwhile, my not so tall boss went all the way to the left of the back and that man went to the middle seat. This giant person went to the middle and it made no sense to me. I literally out loud said "Why is the biggest person sitting in the middle?!" No one acknowledged my comment. So I reluctantly sat next to the man.

**Note: the next part of this may be triggering for some. This happened to me personally and I know how it can effect some people, even just reading it. With that said, the cab took off, the man put his arm around the back of my seat, and around my shoulder. The drive was only supposed to last maybe 7 minutes... to me, it was an eternity. The man started to bring his hand down and gr*pe my right breast. I almost couldn't believe it. I thought I was in a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. This man kept going as I pushed his hand away. I kept clutching my purse to my chest as he tried to reach his hand up my blouse. My elbow digging into my lap, trying to create a barrier between him and I. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. We finally pulled up to the hotel, I ran out of the cab. Waited for my boss to come out and walked in. As we walked, the man was now 20 feet behind us. He knew what he had done. The same man who was so clingy and touchy before was now making distance because he KNEW. I looked at my boss and lowly said "He gr*ped me in the taxi." He looked up at me and said "Well that's not good." And kept walking... I thought he was too drunk to realize what I had said so I sent it on WhatsApp, knowing it couldn't be deleted. He read the text and did nothing. I looked at the woman with us and demanded she come to the bathroom with me. I ran in and like word vomit, yelled what the man had done. The first thing out of her mouth was "I knew he'd do something like this."

She knew. And I was infuriated. How could amyone let such an awful excuse of a person come to a convention, network and drink?! When we came out of the bathroom, I saw the man and ran. Sobbing, I ran to the next restroom. The woman and my boss said they'd escort me back to my hotel. I ran to my room feeling so dirty. Shower after shower and I couldn't stop crying. I thought why didn't I say something to the cab driver, why? But I was just trying to keep my shitty job at that point. I was trying not to cause a scene that would affect my company...

The morning after, I tried to get home but literally EVERY single flight was booked until 2am. My boss reluctantly gave me the "day off". But I was stuck in Vegas. Feeling empty, violated, ruined. I knew with the incident fresh in my mind, I called a lawyer from back home in Texas. I explained the incident and how horrible my boss was. From there, we filed with the EEOC and started a discrimination case. For my company and my boss dehumanizing me, treating less than my worth and attempting to use me as a woman. Following immediately after the incident and the lawsuit beginning, I became a phantom. A ghost. I was invisible. No longer did anyone talk to me, look at me, invite me to lunch. I was moved to an office by myself. I'd email my boss for help on clients to never receive a response. I was just there. Physically. Mentally, I was miserable. I had developed anxiety and couldn't eat... this went on for months.

In March 2020, COVID19 hit and we were ordered to work from home. This was music to my ears. I was still a ghost... but at least my dog made for a better coworker.

Today, Friday, May 15th, 2020, my boss sent a Zoom meeting invite for me to discuss a client. It was out of the ordinary but I was hopeful. That hope didn't last long. As I logged in, I saw the 2 HR representatives of the company. I knew my fate after seeing their names on my computer screen. They said due to COVID, they were reorganizing the company. Meanwhile, they said i was terminated due to "performance". Immediately after I filed my lawsuit, they bombarded me with emails asking if I could do my job because of my "disability". They were talking about the new found anxiety that I developed thanks to them. The thing was, I was never trained, coached, developed. Nothing for my job role. They expected me as a "woman" to bring on male clients. They really did try to pimp me out. When that didn't work... Well, as you could guess, at 11am this morning, I was fired. Terminated. I was sent a termination contract that in short, they'd "generously give me a severance pay of $2k." But also in that letter? A surprise clause of if I signed and was paid, even if I still took them to court with my lawsuit, no matter the verdict, they'd owe me nothing. Right now? My lawyer is helping me figure that out but you can bet I won't sign that document for $2k.

Why am I typing this all now? It's more cathartic at this point but more importantly... that night that was so awful for me. After enduring being treated like this for so long... I'm done with that chapter. After that night, ANYTIME I'd listen to ME, I'd either cry or remember that terrible night. I was so angry from what had happened. I was devastated that Taylor and Brendon were the highlight of my night and to now later remember that horrible event. This morning after me getting fired? I hung up and cried.

Afterward, I turned on Taylor's album Lover, and laughed as I Forgot You Existed started playing. Eventually, YouTube had made it's way to ME!... and today was the first time I listened and sang along... happily. No tears, no flash backs to something horrendous. Just joy. Because for now? I'm free. Free of that company, free of my assh*le of a boss, free of people putting the blame on me. The lawsuit is still on going but I remember Taylor going through hers not too long ago. After all of that, if she can do it, so can I.

Pray I'll win my lawsuit. I've won half the battle so far with my new found freedom.

I've had ME! on repeat all day. No longer is that song a tragic memory but now a freedom anthem. 💖

#taylor swift #swifties #me!#lover #lover album #tswift #taylor #taylor nation #city of lover #i stand with taylor #lovers

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365daysofmchart · 6 years ago

Text

Reflecting on McHart: 3x02

Well, my post on last week’s episode was well received (thanks for all of the likes and replies!) and this week’s episode gave us SO MUCH, so I’m back with another post breaking down and delving into every little thing relating to Mr. and Mrs. McVeigh! (Yes, I did just say that.) And I essentially do mean everything, because my God, this thing is so freaking long it is absolutely ridiculous and I am so sorry... but you should all definitely read anyway ‘cause I spent too much damn time on this for you to not, LOL! (What a pitch, that was! HA!)

Once again, spoilers below! Hope you enjoy!!!

Breaking down scenes:

1. Diane is doing a full on investigation because she is still determined to find out exactly what happened when her husband was shot by the lil Trumpkins, NDA be damned! He’s told her he’s fine, I’m sure that at this point she can see herself that he’s fine... but she still just needs to know every detail of what happened because THEY SHOT HER HUSBAND AND THEY CANNOT JUST GET AWAY WITH IT JUST LIKE THAT. And yeah... I’m sure the politics factor in too, but I think that most of it is genuinely her grappling with how these men boys shot him and acted like nothing happened, silenced him. I think it breaks her heart a little bit and she just needs some kind of justice, even if it only means her herself learning the truth.

2. His little “bows,” oh my heart! And I very intentionally used quotations because he really just tied little ribbons around the bottles with little knots, but HE TRIED. Oh, he tried! And if he’s this helpless here, then that definitely means that every gift we’ve seen him give her he’s taken to be professionally wrapped, which I really don’t think is a Kurt thing at all, but he knows she does appreciate things like nicely wrapped gifts and he just wants things to be so nice and pretty and perfect for herrrrrr. Also, I feel as though Kurt is thoughtful, but not necessarily romantic, but they’ve been working towards creating this life together for so long now and it’s finally here, and so this man that hates anything “girly” decided that he and his wife have something to celebrate, and you know what would make this news even better, what will make her happy? Little bows. (And she is delighted!) But he’s not very good with those. BUT HE TRIES. Ugh.

3. “Are we celebrating?” “We are. We got a job.” WE. I mean, he got a job, but apparently he’s using “we” ‘cause they’re a unit and they share victories and also it means that THEY FINALLY HAVE THIS LIFE THAT THEY’VE BEEN FIGHTING FOR TOGETHER. And she’s so excited for him and she does that little, bitty, mini fist pump, but then you can see how deflated and concerned she suddenly is when it occurs to her that perhaps it will take him away, BUT NO, IT’S BASED IN CHICAGO AND OH MY GOODNESS SHE IS SO ELATED AND SO IS HE.

4. “Yes, Mrs. McVeigh.” “Oh!... Mr. McVeigh!” “Well, uh, you might decide it’s time to take my name.” SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE, OH MY GOOD LORD!!!! Breaking this whole exchange down into subparts, okay?

a. When he refers to her as Mrs. McVeigh, there’s no significant reaction from her, meaning THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE HAS REFERRED TO HER AS MRS. McVEIGH!!!!! So just how often does he refer to her as such? Does she ever refer to herself as Mrs. McVeigh? What happened the first time he uttered those words to her? How often is Mrs. McVeigh used as foreplay? I need to know all of these things!

b. For a singular kiss, that was a good kiss, guys--a solid liplock. And her hand on his cheek and his arm around her back that slowly moves up higher and higher to the back of her neck to pull her in closer, then her “Mmm...” as they pull apart? YES, I WOULD LIKE MORE OF THIS CONTENT IN THE FUTURE, PLEASE.

c. And between kisses, he’s talking but they’re still holding each other so close and sort of swaying in each other’s arms and looking at each other with such adoration and joy, and my God, those two are so in love and so happy with one another and YES, THIS IS EVERYTHING THEY DESERVE, AND DAMN IT, IT IS EVERYTHING THAT WE DESERVE TOO.

d. Taking his name. She might “decide” it’s time to take his name. Even while joking he's respectful of the fact that it is very much so her decision! And he is, in fact, joking--surely he would be honored and thrilled if she did so, but he’s not making a serious pitch here, he’s fully accepting of her decision and not at all pushing.

...That being said though, I wonder if this is something that bothers him at all, deep down. Again, he obviously accepts her decision and I’m sure he knew very well that that was going to be the case before it was even discussed. However, he is very much a man’s-man, and he has conservative leanings (also see my notes from last week’s post, in point 8), and I think it wouldn’t be entirely shocking to discover that deep down there is a part of him that wishes she would take his name (even if only to have that bond of sharing a name). I don’t know if he has ever broached the subject seriously in the past (again, I’m sure her keeping her name was an assumption from the start), but I think it wouldn’t be totally surprising if he (or perhaps she???) carefully brought it up once she retired (if that day ever comes, lol), when there were fewer practical reasons for her to keep her name. Or perhaps, if it actually is something that bothers him (and it very well may not), he’ll still forever keep it buried within because he’d never want to pressure her in any way, and though a part of him wishes they could have that, another part of him loves her for being a strong woman who has worked hard and built her name/reputation and wants to keep that identity intact in every way. ...Just some thoughts.

5. "Is it possible for you to get past your hatred for them?" Point taken, Kurt, but also... THEY LITERALLY SHOT YOU. (It's not just political! ...Though it is that too, haha.) Does he keep forgetting that??? Also, we haven't had all that many opportunities to see his protective side, but I have a feeling that, if their roles were reversed, he'd have a little trouble getting past someone shooting his wife and delaying medical attention, too!

6. "Can we just be happy for a minute?" Are we slowly spiraling from (or into?) that season-opening scene? (Update: Christine Baranski actually talked about this a bit in a video posted by The Good Fight)

7. SHE THOUGHT SHE’D SURPRISE HIM WITH COMING HOME EARLY.

8. Their whole little exchange, their repartee, is so adorable! ...But also, within that, they’re joking around about him going on a date with two other women (and Diane brought it up) and I think that really speaks to where they are in having moved past the whole Holly ordeal. (Again, while she had suspicions last week, they were based on his legitimate lies, which makes those suspicions totally valid.)

9. And we get both a “Whoa-ho, you look sexy,” and a “What’s up, handsome?” in under 60 seconds, and then there’s her tucking in his shirt and fixing his tie, and also, since when is Diane like a foot shorter than him??? LOL! Oh my God, I love it so much!

And, well, Kurt tried to keep her away, but no such luck! HA! And I think the poor man knew it was over as soon as she declared she was coming. AND OH, THAT SARCASM AND SASS I LOVE IT!!! And I think I said this last week too, but while it may annoy him a bit at times, Kurt definitely loves it too!

10. Oh, Kurt and his pre-Republican function pep talks! He tries... he knows his wife and he’s gotta at least try. It doesn’t work, of course, clearly. But he tries. And then apparently after a certain point of it not working he resorts to subtly stepping on his wife’s foot to get his message across, LOL!!!

I must admit, I really love the irony that she’s having a way better time at this Republican fundraiser than he is, haha. ...You know what I love more though? How uncomfortable Kurt looks that entire time. Look, I’m sure that some of it has to do with Diane, but I think a lot of it has to do with his morals alone. He may be conservative politically, but he’s not down with racist bullshit, so at least we’ve got that going for us. ...Or, rather, he’s got it going for him.

11. *Siiiighhh* Kurt is such a party pooper! But okay, real talk though... how confident are we that Diane actually deleted that recording? Cause look, I want to be confident, but... Diane is in a certain kind of place these days and I would not quite put it past her to have deleted another random recording instead. But I hope not. Because, really guys, could you both please just do the honesty thing this time around???

Anyway, assuming that she wasn’t bullshitting him, I find that whole thing very sweet. Yes, she had her fun, but she sees that perhaps she’s pushed it just a bit too far for her husband and she gives in, deleting it, to make him rest easier.

(As your resident McHart investigator, I looked closely at the deletion and 1) the file is only 9 seconds, which seems a little short 2) ...The file name still exists in there after it’s “deleted”??? There also weren’t any recordings above it though, so that’s something, meaning it was likely the latest. ...All of that being said, I would not advise reading too much into it because it’s graphics and her phone also reads 12:01 PM (when it is clearly not noon) as well as shows 80% battery--the latter is totally plausible, of course, but also doesn’t seem entirely legit either, ya feel?)

12. THEY ARE IN BED HOLDING HANDS FOR THE SECOND TIME IN AS MANY EPISODES, WHO DOES THAT?!?!?! (OUR SHIP DOES THAT and I am HERE FOR IT, HOLY SHIT, WHY ARE THEY SO ADORABLLLLE) And then her little 🎶 Back together agaaain... 🎶 I can’t. SO FREAKING CUTE. On that note though, it also felt oddly narrative to me, as though it was a sort of nod to the audience. I’m not sure if it was because it sort of punctuated the scene--their scenes of the episode--if it was the sing-song tone, or how it ended with a blackout, but yeah... it just felt like somewhat of a statement to me. Anyone else get that vibe? (I’m obviously not going to weigh this too heavily, but just thought I’d share how I read it all.)

Standout Lines:

“Hans and Franz, your safari buddies...”

“...Their baby zebra barbecue that they scheduled?!”

“...And that trumps everything else.” “Oh, DON’T USE THAT WORD!” “And that’s more important than anything else.” “ERRRRRR...” *MOMENT OF APPRECIATION FOR KURT’S FACES THROUGHOUT THIS EXCHANGE*

“Oh, I’m coming.” “Diane...”

“Eric and Don?! I have lived my life for this moment! Oh! ...Ooh, what should I wear?” *Got this whole damn thing italicized cause that sarcasm tho

“Me?? I’m just here to be a supportive spouse!” “Uh-huh.”

Other things:

I need that plaid wrap of Diane’s in my life!

We’ve seen Kurt in a white button-down both last week and this week (with only seeing him in one in a single other instance in nine past seasons, on their wedding day) and look, I’m not complaining, but... idk, it feels weird?

I’m going to spare you all a solid two paragraphs on the closet situation (...for now, anyway), but just... the closet situation.

By the end of this season I’m definitely gonna need a Diane-in-Pajamas roundup post.

Why are they always (and by always I of course mean in the two scenes we’ve had of them sleeping in bed thus far) only under the sheet with no duvet??? Does anyone else sleep like that on a regular basis (when not in a tropical climate/it isn’t summer)? I certainly don’t and no one else in the Good-verse has (including them in the past), so WHY IS THIS A THING?!?! Totally appreciate Kurt's shirtless sleeping habit though.

Was kind of hoping the axe throwing was going to start out as a cute McHart date night, but I suppose Diane getting out her aggressions is nice too. ...But I would 110% not be opposed to her bringing him along one evening!

In conclusion:

Guys. The unintelligible noises and flaling that came from me while watching this episode... I could. not. deal. Their scenes were all just so entirely lovely. And after everything (and by everything I don’t only mean the Good Wife finale aftermath, but also how drawn out their relationship was before that) it’s so wonderful and rewarding to see! And it’s funny--I remember a few seasons into TGW I came up with a McHart wishlist of sorts, and now, a few more years (though admittedly quite the journey) down the road and... I think that just about everything has been checked off??? (...Except for her wearing one of his shirts. And given they’ve got her in fancy robes and pajamas and slippers WITH HEELS this year, I’m not gonna hold my breath on that one, lol.) HOW LUCKY ARE WE?!?!? (Still could’ve gone without that affair though, and I’m still bitter.)

What’s still on your McHart wishlist?!?! (DON’T JUST TELL ME A SEX SCENE GUYS THOUGH. COME ON, ISN’T THAT ON JUST ABOUT EVERYONE’S LIST?!?! Be a little more creative! LOL!)

It’s looking like no McHart next week but WE STILL HAVE SO MANY MORE EPISODES TO COME!!! ...Two down, five to go!

Now, with that, this has gone on for long enough (too long,) and so, I’ll wish you all a good week! As always, fell free to message via ask or reply!

-E

...Oh, and once again, I am so sorry that this was so long! ...But, hey, I guess the last one was pretty long too, and you all seemed to like that one just fine, haha.

#McHart #Mr. & Mrs. McVeigh #i keep wanting to add screencaps and/or gifs but they keep getting too loooong god damn #reflecting on mchart

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mintchocolateleaves · 6 years ago

Note

What about a ShinRan CoF AU where Shinichi doesn’t escape and things go according to Vermouth’s plan?

A/N: Wow, this is long! I’m naming it, ‘Tighten the Noose’ and yeah. It’s painful. Since the whole Vermouth’s plan is revealed, if you haven’t read the ch38 of CoF, and you’re the type who doesn’t want that spoiler, I’d say, catch up first. This is actually the Bad End AU for CoF.

Summary: Vermouth’s plan for Shinichi is carried out with a high success. (If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.) Bad End AU.

Shinichiknows what comes next.

(Next?He’s going to die but does he know what comes after that? Of course not.)

Therewill be a rope, tied together in the form of a noose. It will hang over a floorthat will open up, and there will be no one he loves there to say goodbye.

He willsing happy birthday under his breath and be unable to finish the songbecause the rope will steal away the breath.

His eyeswill be dull. His body will go cold. And his already bruised body will sufferone final bruise, as either his neck snaps or his body asphyxiates.

This iswhat will happen next. It’s the way these things work. An organisation framinghim, cutting away the threat before it can cut into them.

They putthe noose around Shinichi’s neck, but he doesn’t fall. The floor opens up, butonly for someone else.

KudoShinichi dies, but he is not dead.

He issupposed to be dead.

Butthat’s not what happens.

“It’s adilemma you see,” The man who was once Shinichi says, stirring his coffee witha small wooden stirrer. “I don’t know whether a dead man is free, or forever aprisoner.”

He feelsmore like a prisoner these days. Case files are skewed in front of him. Namesthat one alcohol has helped him get.

But in away, isn’t he also free? Free from the bonds holding him back, free from theguilt of people he’s been forced to leave behind?

No,that’s a lie.

Theguilt never leaves. It’s why he’s a prisoner. Emotion is his shackle.

“The funnypart of the dilemma though,” The man who is no longer Shinichi says, “is thatthe only person who could answer that question for me, is one I can’t see.”

Her. Theone who thinks he is dead. Who knows that he is dead.

Thefinal one who believed in him.

A ruffleof wings, and the bird he’s talking to flies away. He watches the pigeon go.The bird is free, at least. Not much of a prisoner, if you have wings and anopen cage.

The cageis open. But it is also familiar.

Now thathe’s left it - he wants to go back.

Fingerstapping against the counter, he watches, staring out at the world, thinkingabout nothing and everything. Thinking about too much and too little.

Hisphone rings. It’s not a number he recognises.

Shinichipresses ignore.

Hisphone remains lit up, his phone background on display. He stares at it,dismisses the notification of his missed call and stares past the number of thetime, past the date, focusing only on his background.

It’s asimple one. Something from a child’s nursery - pink rolling clouds, which leadsout into a lilac sky. Behind it, drawn in white ink, are undetailed planets andstars, all of variating sizes.

Shinichiwatches it. It doesn’t change, it never does, but it’s calming. Even as simpleas the background is, it offers at least a small release from reality into theclouds. Somewhere that he’s not.

“Shinichi- will you please stop ignoring my calls.”

He looksup. Ran. Mouri Ran. He’d been hers once - and maybe, maybe she’d been his oncetoo. He doesn’t know. Sometimes, he thinks she was. Other days he knows shewasn’t, and most of the time, he’s left in a perpetual state of confusion, notknowing which option is the truth.

There isare too many truths, after all.

“I’mnot ignoring you,” Shinichi says, looking up. He can’t meet her eyes, butthat’s alright. It’s the norm - Kudo Shinichi has trouble meeting most people’seyes these days. It hurts to see the emotions inside.

(Willthey echo back his own? Or will they be so different to his own that he can’teven fathom how to read them?)

“Bullshit,”Ran says. He jumps with the harshness of the words. She’s angry at him? He’snot even done anything wrong. “I literally just watched you pressignore.”

“DidI?“ Shinichi says. He pauses, looks down at his phone and clicks histongue. "I don’t have your number saved, so it just looks random."

"Giveme your phone,” Ran says, and because it’s easier to just give in than toargue, he does. He mutters his code, waits until she unlocks it and then turnsback to the table. She lets out a small sigh, not exasperated - it seems sadder,than anything. She says, “you don’t have any numbers saved here.”

“No,”Shinichi agrees.

(Paranoiahad wrapped around him when he’d been gifted a more permanent phone. Any numberhe put inside would be linked to him, linked to danger and that is a risk thatcannot be taken, no way, not when the danger is-)

“There,”Ran says, passing the phone back. She says, “I put my number in. AndHattori’s - he’s been asking me to see you again since we found out that-”

That heisn’t dead. That he didn’t hang.

Thatthe noose was placed, but only strategically, because the threat is always moreterrifying than the action.

“Isee,” Shinichi says. He presses his finger against the table, appliesforce until his fingertip is white, pale. Then, he bends the bone the otherway, digging his nail into the small notches. “Two numbers in myphone.”

“Nowyou have no excuse to dodge my calls,” Ran says. She offers a smile, buthe avoids it, focuses on the concrete instead.

“No,”Shinichi agrees again, “not if I have the numbers in my phone.”

Heconsiders deleting them. Not even present in the phone for a minute but decidesagainst it. Even if he deletes the numbers, they’re still going to be in thephone’s memory somewhere anyway.

It’sprobably just better to get a new phone.

Butdoing that and deleting numbers will just make Ran mad, and Shinichi doesn’twant her to cry. He presses on and watches his background again. Ran pulls up achair, settles next to him.

She restsher hand on the arm of Shinichi’s chair, a silent invitation, should he want totake it, and follows his gaze to the phone’s background.

“Yourwallpaper,” Ran says, “I like it."

"It’scalming,” Shinichi says.

He doesn’ttake her hand. But he wants to.

“Whatdo you mean I continue the case,” Shinichi says, squinting across atVermouth. Legally, he’s been dead for hours now, but it feels almost like alifetime. He brushes his hand against his neck, flinches away when he realisesit’s not snapped. “It’s literally killed me.”

Thewoman purses her lips. For the first time since he’s known her - which, coincidentally,is only their fourth conversation - she crosses her arms and gives him a lookthat can only be described as absent.

“Youhave the perfect opportunity now to start digging.”

“Digging?”Shinichi breathes. The words are strangled in his throat. “Digging intothe case? It killed me. I’m dead.”

“KudoShinichi is dead.” Vermouth says. “Socially, you’re dead. Legally,you’ve been left hanging, and any life you had before is going to be buriedwith someone who’s not you. But the silver bullet is still alive.”

Thesilver bullet?

That’swhat she wants him to be? Fuck that. No - this isn’t fair.

“You’reasking too much from me,” Shinichi says. He swallows down spit even if hismouth is dry and it tastes like blood. “This is too much, I can’t- I can’t-”

“Ifyou don’t do it, Shinichi-kun,” Vermouth says, leaning forward andcapturing his cheeks in a pincer-like grip, “then we’ll have to wait forsomeone else. Some other silver bullet who’s in a position where theirrelationships will be ruined, their lives torn to shreds.”

Shinichifeels woozy. He sways on his feet, “Let them do it. I’m done.”

Herfrown is enough to freeze his blood. The expression holds for a few days, then,she frees his face, pushes him back and turns her back on him.

“You’rein shock. I’ve set up a safehouse - we will stay there for a few days while youadjust to this, and then you will decide. But not until you’ve settled intothis.”

Shinichidoes not want to settle.

He stopsdreaming.

Silverbullets are inanimate objects, and so they aren’t capable of dreaming. Andmaybe he’s human, but he doesn’t quite feel like one. Not anymore.

No,human beings are social beings. They belong as a member of a group, a part of acrowd. Meanwhile, a silver bullet interacts with no one but the one he shootsdown.

“It’swhy you’re in the best position,” Vermouth had told him, during their weektogether. “When you’re dead, when you have no identity, there’s no bonds holdingyou to other people. It will be difficult, but Kudo Shinichi had people theorganisation could leverage against you. The silver bullet doesn’t.”

She won’tlet him have her number. And he doesn’t let her have his. She leaves him aletter filled with numbers - co-ordinates - and the keys to the safehouse andtells him that they probably won’t meet again.

And ifthey do, they’ll be on the other side.

Thehospital walls aren’t white.

Shinichidoesn’t know why he’s expecting them to be white, but they are and it’sstrange. Odd. Maybe because white is such a sterile colour, because it’s meantto be a healing colour, but the corridors are a soft green.

Maybethe people here don’t need the blank white, but a colour on the canvas.Something to offer them a little hope.

(That’sa word Shinichi’s been thinking of lately. Hope. Ran had written it on a smallcard and placed it on his mantlepiece, aside the card she’d written out for thebirthday’s she’d missed. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twentieth. Twenty-first and now,his twenty-second.)

Hepresses a small button, waits for access into the ward.

Buzzedin, he heads forward, scans the board for a name. He bites his lip, followstowards the second bay, towards bed five. It’s quiet, even with nurses anddoctors bustling around. Physios handing over, social workers coming in and out.

Thecurtains are drawn, and so the moment he walks into the bay, he makes eyecontact with the man he is visiting.

Darkhair, tanned skin and days old stubble.

“Kudo,”Hattori Heiji offers a small smile, lifts up his hand into a wave. The drip moveswith him, and Shinichi focuses on the man’s cannula. “Ya reallycame.”

“Isaid I would,” Shinichi says. He tears his gaze from the drip, looks atthe bandage on Hattori’s other arm. His left leg is bandaged as well. He says,“You look… well?”

Abovehis left eye, Hattori’s head is bandaged. There’s a dressing that leads fromhis left cheek, down his jawline, halfway down his neck.

“I’mgettin’ there,” the Osakan seems to wave it away before Shinichi can bringany question to it. Not that Shinichi needs to ask - Ran had filled him in,when she’d demanded he visit.

Sleepdeprivation and a motorbike.

Thecircumstances could have been a lot worse.

“Enoughabou’ me,” Hattori continues. He squirms in his seat, winces at the suddenmovement. Even two weeks after his first surgery, the pain is still present.“Wha’ about you. How’re ya?”

Shinichibites his lip and tries to think. He’d been honest with Hattori in the past,but they’d been kids once. Now, they’re both adults, and Hattori is dealing withhis own shit. He doesn’t need Shinichi’s.

But -Hattori was the one person who got close enough to the truth.

“I'm…”He tries to find the words. They vibrate in his lungs, scrape as they worktheir way up, so he wishes them away, finds easier ones.

“Isaved your number, and Ran’s into my phone. And I’ve got this wallpaper on myphone that’s nice and-” He pauses. “-and I took up the violinagain.”

HattoriHeiji is not a stupid man.

He was achild detective who found missing cats, and then he grew into a teen detectivewho solved murders. Now a police officer - soon to be official detective - he’salways been smart.

So, hedoes what Shinichi wants him to do.

He readsbetween the lines, sees more than a few hopeful statements and sobers up. Hishalf-smile falls away, and for a moment, Shinichi looks up and meets his eye.The emotions are almost too much, but the way Hattori is holding his gaze -unflinching, unwavering - makes him unable to look away.

“I’msorry,” Hattori says, “that I wasn’t of any help to you. I’m sorrytha’ I couldn’t find a way to get you outta tha’ prison, that I didn’t catch onsooner tha’ you were framed. That I couldn’t prove to anyone else that youwere.”

“Hattori-”

“It’s- I know I could’ve done more. I should’ve done more. But I didn’t.”Hattori presses his lips together. “And I’m sorry.”

“You-”Shinichi shakes his head. “Quit apologising. It’s unnecessary. Don’t- Idon’t want an apology.”

Hattoriblinks, eyes wide.

“Astranger-” Shinichi whispers, “you were a stranger and yet youbelieved that I didn’t do it. In those last days before I turned eighteen, Ihad no one. No one but you.”

Hattorilifts his unbandaged arms up and rubs at his face. His cheeks are wet.

Shinichidoes not have the decency to look away.

“Youwere a stranger, and then you were my friend.” Shinichi says. “Pleasedon’t apologise for being my friend.”

Hattorirubs away more tears, and after a few minutes of silence, he lets out a smalllaugh and says, “I’m so glad you’re not dead.”

A silverbullet is not designed to travel far distances.

They’reslow, and generally less accurate than lead bullets, but they’re effective infolklore. Against werewolves and things that don’t - or rather, should not -exist in the physical world, they’re one of the only things that kill.

The onlything that puts a stop to things.

In a way,a silver bullet is a metaphor.

Penicillinis a silver bullet against infection. Fingerprint recognition is a silverbullet against criminals going free. Information is a silver bullet againstignorance.

KudoShinichi is the silver bullet, against the black organisation.

Silverbullets might not physically be effective, but it is the sentiment behind the bulletthat matters, not the bullet itself. The illusion of being stronger thansomething else, is what matters. Maybe they are a myth - but the myth is onethat gives hope. That promises one day the bad will make way for somethinggood.

Maybethat’s why Vermouth gave him the nickname. Maybe he is her hope, of a daywithout the organisation that she joined as a teenager and remains a hostage indecades later.

(Except…some people are allergic to penicillin. Fingerprints can be rubbed away orplaced. Information can sometimes breed more ignorance.

KudoShinichi might not manage.)

“You're…”Ran’s voice is breathless. Shinichi doesn’t like it when he takes her breathaway, not anymore, not when he knows how cruel it is not to let someonebreathe. “You’re not dead?”

He wantsto say that he’s quite clearly alive since he’s standing in front of her, sincehe’s not an apparition, but he doesn’t think Ran would appreciate that.Instead, he dips his head, mutters that he’s alive and that he thought sheshould know.

“I…I thought you were gone,” Ran says, voice wavering. “I had to helpbury you, I had to get over you, and you weren’t ever… gone?”

Shinichican’t look her in the eye.

“Iknow,” Shinichi mutters, “I’m sorry. I - If I’d have known, I wouldhave let you know but we both thought-”

“Wait,”Ran says, “what do you mean you didn’t know?”

Hesquirms under the pressure of her gaze.

“Youdidn’t plan a way out?” Ran realises, “like all of us, you thoughtyou were- and then. Then how could you tell us, because everyone thoughtand…”

It’s asif she can’t find all the pieces in the puzzle, is stuck trying to rearrangethem by the look of the picture on the box. Almost seeing but not quite.Instead, she shakes her head, races forward and traps him in an embrace.

Shinichitries not to flinch.

He doesn’tlift his hands up, but he doesn’t push her away either. It’s a start.

Ran’sbreath tickles his cheek. Her arms are warm. She’s very much alive.

“Itdoesn’t matter what I went through when I thought you were gone,” Ransays. “All that matters is you. That you’re alive, that you’re here."

Hedoesn’t feel very alive though. He just feels absent.

"Ispy, with my little eye, someone who ought to be dead.”

Thethief looks him up and down, his gaze cold beneath the monocle, as they bothstand in a small alleyway, a few streets from the man’s heist. Kaitou KID wearswhite, Shinichi is drenched in black, and somehow it seems like their innocenceis incorrectly worn.

“Yes,”Shinichi says. “I take it you know who I am then.”

KIDgives a sharp nod. He crosses his arms, glares at him. A snap of his fingers, aplume of smoke and then, he’s mirroring Shinichi - same look, same hairstyle,same black clothes.

Shinichiisn’t sure if it’s because they’ve got a similar face, or whether the thief canmould masks quickly enough, but it doesn’t matter.

“Iknow what the media knows, at least.” KID shakes his head. “Amurderer sent to prison with a life sentence. The pushed the day of yourhanging pretty early, normally, most people have to wait years.”

Shinichiflinches at the thought of a noose.

“Butobviously that was a lie,” KID continues, frowning, “since nowthere’s a serial killer on the loose.”

A pause.Shinichi feels a shudder rising up his back, burrowing deep into his spine.

“Ididn’t kill anyone,” Shinichi says. “If I were a killer, then I’d becontinuing now that everyone thought I wasn’t capable of continuing, right? ButI’ve not.”

KIDdoesn’t answer. He just watches, raises an eyebrow and asks, “What do youwant from me, Kudo Shinichi?”

It’s thefirst time he’s been called by his name since he died. It feels almostunfamiliar.

“I- I noticed on the news that there are people shooting at you during cases. Iwas locked away and sent to die because of an organisation. I was wonderingwhether we’re up against the same people.”

“Acrime syndicate framed you? How very fortunate.” KID shakes hishead. He says, “If you were looking in a criminal organisation, they’d dowhat they do to me, they’d shoot you down without a care.”

Shinichisteps forward, ignores the guarded look. He says, “So you are being hunteddown. If we work together-”

“No.”

Thevoice is firm, almost harsh. Kaitou KID has always worked alone, - ifdisregarding the accomplice that people mention - has always done better whenperforming to a script he’s designed for himself.

“Wha-”

“Listen,”KID says, “I don’t trust you. Why would I work with someone who’s killedsix people? And if you’re telling the truth, why would I paint my back with aneven bigger target by working with someone they want dead?”

“You’realready a target-”

“Youdeal with your case,” KID says, “and I’ll deal with mine.”

(Shinichiloses sleep over it.

KaitouKID doesn’t.)

“Ithink ya should visit him ya know,” Hattori says.

Shinichi’sstolen him from his ward, wheeled him down to the cafeteria. Some proper food,Hattori had wanted, rather than what the hospital had offered.

“Visitwho,” Shinichi says, although he already had a faint impression.“I’ve visited everyone I want to visit.”

He’svisited Hattori, and he’s visited Ran.

And hisparents visited him for a week, and that had been enough of them.

“Hakuba,”Hattori continues. “You two were friends, right? It seems almost cruel nott’ let him kno’ you’re okay.”

Shinichimakes a noise of protest.

“Okay,”Hattori amends, “not tha’ you’re okay, but tha’ you’re alive.”

“Iguess that's… not the worst idea.” Shinichi sighs. “But only becausehe worked that same case - not because I’m going around to spend time with allthe friends I need to catch up on.”

Hattorigives him a look that Shinichi’s too tired to decipher.

“I’llgive ya his number.”

It’sdark, everything is-

Dark.

Shinichi’sundone his bindings, and now, he searches the cell trying to find anything -any loose metal that will help him against the lock. Even if he’s not good atbreaking open locks, he needs to at least try.

Thereare footsteps.

And thenlight. Two men standing outside the cage.

“KudoShinichi,” says the one with silver hair, the he remembers from arollercoaster, from a beheading from a spurned girlfriend. “How funny thatwe managed to catch up with you, since you were buried three years ago.”

“Veryfunny indeed,” says the one beside him. “What’re we going to do withhim Aniki?"

"Whateverwe want,” the first says, “seeing as no one’s going to comelooking.”

“Fine,”Shinichi sighs, looking across at Vermouth. “I’ll look into them. I’llfinally put a stop to all this, but after that… I don’t think I want to solve acase ever again.”

“That’show hobbies work when you become an adult,” Vermouth says. “Eitheryou find a way to turn them into jobs, or they start to fade away. But don’tget rid of it as an option though, not until you know for sure.”

“No,”Shinichi says, “I’m sure.”

Shinichiwakes up with a jolt in his heart and sweat soaking his hair against hispillow. He’s alone, alone in an apartment he’ll tell no one the location of - asafe house that had been set up when he’d first died.

Only oneother person had known the building, and she's… not around.

Hishands shake. His pulse is crazy, tachycardic, as if it’s a faulty engine,trying to propel him forward when he’s not ready to exert that much pressure.He bites his tongue, pushes himself up and turns on a light.

Everythingis as it should be.

Hisphone, plugged in and charging, lights up as he presses the home button. Anewer wallpaper, one with the sea shimmering beneath the night sky. He watchesthe stars, imagines the waves and realises that it’d be pretty nice if he couldjust… float in the water without any worries for a little while.

Sweatsticks his t-shirt to his back though, and he decides that the ocean will haveto wait. That a bath will have to do instead.

And then,maybe a phone call.

(Hattoridoesn’t sleep well either, apparently.)

Hedoesn’t find Hakuba Saguru in a police station, or even a private detective’s office.Nor does he find him inside the courts or visiting people in prisons.

He findshim in a pharmaceutical office leaving behind a meeting.

“Kudo,”Hakuba says, and that’s all he says for a moment. Shinichi watches hisexpression, tries to figure out what it means, and opens his mouth.

“Ithought, since we worked that case, we should talk about it?” Shinichi says.And Hakuba dips his head into a nod.

“There’sa coffee shop downstairs, let’s go there.”

Theirnames are Gin and Vodka.

Shinichidoesn’t have a legal name for them. He wonders if they’re like him - officialidentities dead, now walking around with a codename rather than an identity.

Hewonders whether it bothers them.

“Don’tgo ignoring us now,” Gin says. He’s the cruel one, the leader. A sadist, akiller worse than Shinichi was labelled to be. It should have been him whohung. “We want to know everything about what you know.”

Despitewhat he wishes, the pain does not get easier. He doesn’t get used to it. Thetrauma simply becomes so routine that it feels almost chronic.

Vermouthpats his cheek.

“It’sover now,” she whispers, turning his chin away from all the blood. Sheholds him up, or maybe he helps hold her up - or maybe they’re holding eachother. Which is weird, because Shinichi should not trust her, and he doesn't…

ButVermouth is someone he can rely on. For now.

“It’sover now, Shinichi-kun.” She is cautious with him now, almost maternal.“This has been a nightmare, my silver bullet, but now it’s time to wakeup.”

Shinichigets coffee.

Hakubagets tea.

Theconversation is staggered as they wait for their drinks. Every time one of themsays something, the words dissolve into the silence, a void of what should havebeen said sooner, of what should have been mentioned years ago.

Eventually,Shinichi tries for something a little less pressuring.

“Youwork in pharmaceuticals now?”

Hakubaoffers a sharp nod. He sips at tea, turns to look outside of the window andsays, “I thought it would be best for me. I’m not suited for detectivework, I think.”

“Neitheram I,” Shinichi responds. “Is office work… I don’t know, is itless…”

“It’seasier,” Hakuba says. “Less… emotionally draining. If one deal fallsthrough, or a project isn’t going badly, at least I know someone isn’t going todie because of it.”

Understandable.Shinichi knows what it’s like to live to a deadline. It’s much easier when thedeadline is paper based.

“Butyou were a detective for a while,” Shinichi says, “Hattori toldme.”

Hakubastiffens. He says, “I was. But - the two cases that meant something to meended… terribly… so I decided I was done.”

Shinichinods his head, “I see.”

“Comeand live with me,” Ran mumbles into his shoulder once, when he finallyfinds the courage to let her come closer, to let her hug him withoutremembering flashes of metal, gunfire - without tasting smoke and fire and…

“Ilike where I live,” Shinichi says. “It’s safe.”

“We’llmove somewhere safe,” Ran says. “Remember when we were teenagers, weused to walk through the park and talk about how we’d get a nice apartment,hidden from the press who wanted to take pictures of the amazing teenagedetective? We can still find that apartment. You just need to stoprunning.”

Shinichiisn’t sure.

An apartmentmeans writing down a name onto paper. Onto a contract. It means trusting thatpeople won’t search and leave a paper trail, that people won’t take advantageof systems designed to protect them and seek them out.

Whatwill he do if someone reaches his door?

What ifsomeone attacks them?

“Thatwas when we were teenagers, Ran.” Shinichi says. “We were kids. It’snot like that anymore.”

Randoesn’t force him to meet her eyes - she never does. Instead, she leans forwardand presses her palm against his, waits for him to interlock their fingers.Always giving him the chance to pull back.

“Thekids we were before all this happened, the people you thought we were - that’sstill us. Don’t forget that, okay?”

Hervoice is soft, melancholic.

“That’snot us,” Shinichi says, “not anymore.”

“Itis.” She presses her nose against his collarbone. “There’s more to usnow too, but at the end of the day it’s still us.”

Peopleare affected by both silver bullets and regular bullets.

In theend, Shinichi uses a lead bullet.

Theydon’t tie him down quickly enough; the binds are loose, and Shinichi uses it tohis advantage. He’s not strong, of course not - not after being here so long -but when they have their backs turned, he has the element of surprise.

Shinichijumps. And he tries to disarm them.

The gunscatters across the floor. Gin’s gun. Shinichi’s not fool enough to think thatVodka isn’t carrying anything either, or that Gin doesn’t have another,so he pounces, moves before either man can react.

Theyreact quickly.

Shinichimanages to turn, safety off, aiming just in time to see Vodka aiming back athim. It’s not a matter of thinking but acting and Shinichi presses the triggerbefore he can even think.

Vodkadrops like a stone.

“I’msorry,” Hakuba says, “I’m not trying to be… difficult it’s just.Seeing you here, alive. It’s - a friend who died is alive. It… It’s almost likea magic trick.”

Shinichialmost finds the phrasing strange - then he remembers how the other case hadbeen KIDs. A magician. And he remembers the news story.

“Theother case that went wrong,” Shinichi says, “ was Kaitou KID’s wasn’tit?”

Hakubapales. He takes a moment to think, then nods his head. He says, “It madethe news, so you probably remember. They didn’t reveal the identity, out of…understanding of the secrecy I guess, but… he was another friend.”

Twopeople dead. Two cases unsolved.

“Mycondolences.” Shinichi says.

“Seeingyou here,” Hakuba says, “almost makes me start to believe that he didthe same magic trick. That in a few years, I’ll find out he’s actually fine.Maybe he’s somewhere in Europe like he always wanted to go, or somewhere… Idon’t know. Makes me wonder if he’s alive too.”

Shinichiis not sure why he says it. Maybe because he knows that KID was a mastermind, agenius. Because he’d seemed so certain of himself that night in thealleyway.

“Maybehe is,” Shinichi says.

Hakubablinks, lets out a small laugh, says, “He’s not. The body was real. Opencasket.”

Gin doesnot react to Vodka’s death.

The mandrops, and he watches Shinichi rather than turn to his friend. He says,"Go on then, shoot.”

Shinichipresses the trigger.

Hisheart races in his chest. He feels bile rising up his throat, feels his bonesscreaming in protest to every movement. It hurts.

Fuck does it hurt.

Hepresses the trigger again and again, but only receives clicks.

Gin smirks.He says, “Do you know what’s fun about playing with rats? If you fill agun with one bullet and tell them they only need to dodge one bullet, they feellike there’s some way out.”

Shinichibites his cheek. He tastes blood, metallic in his mouth. He chokes on it.

“Theyalways forget that there’s a second gun.”

Andthen, he’s holding another gun up, one that Shinichi doesn’t even recall himpulling out. He raises it up, and he shoots.

Fireflares up his arm.

“OkayRan.”

Shinichigrabs a gloved hand, pulls her nearer to him and watches her expression. Herlip quirks up, first in confusion and then, happiness that he’s the oneinitiating their contact.

Thebobble of her hat bounces as she tilts her head.

“Okaywhat?”

“Thatapartment,” Shinichi says. “As long as it’s safe. Hidden away. Then Iguess it’s okay.”

Ranbeams.

Hattorigets out of the hospital months after his admission.

He walkswith crutches, and then, he walks with a cane. He sends Shinichi a wry grin andtells him that years of kendo means that with a cane, he’ll never be taken offguard by the criminals he chases after.

Evenstill, Shinichi watches the way the man’s eyes dim as he leaves the hospital.As his friend picks him up, helps him into the car to head back to work.

(“Iliked th’ break from th’ responsibility,” Hattori admits later. “ButI’d feel too guilty to leave it behind.”

Shinichigets the impression that Hattori is always guilty. He feels a little guiltyabout that.)

“Whatdo you mean she’s dead?”

He’s notstepped foot inside a precinct for almost five years, but now, newly returned,he races inside without any regard for those working. He races towards theholding cells.

“Shedied in the night,” someone says, but Shinichi doesn’t register it. Heraces forwards, forces them to open the door, to look inside. She is not there.“Either a suicide or a murder. We’re looking into it.”

“No,”Shinichi says, even though the room is empty. She should be in here.“She should be in here, she wouldn’t kill herself. Someone killedher-”

Shecan’t be dead.

“I-No.” He shudders, “I didn’t even know her real name.”

“Nothing’sever going to change Ran,” Shinichi whispers, when she finds him lying onthe floor. He does not say anything else, not until she lifts his head up,shuffles beneath it and lies him back down on her lap. “It doesn’t goaway.”

Shethreads her fingers through his hair. Slow, circular, comforting.

“Nothingcan change,” Ran says, “If you refuse to acknowledge what’s hurt. DoI need to say it again?”

Shinichicloses his eyes and whispers, “One more time. Please.”

“Quitrunning Shinichi,” Ran says.

Thefirst thing Kudo Shinichi does when he realises he is dead but not - alive butnot - is put both hands up to his ears and shut out all the noise.

Then, hescrunches his eyes so there is no light.

He biteshis lip.

Andthen, as he tastes blood, the liquid dribbling down his chin, Kudo Shinichidoes the one thing he wouldn’t be able to do, if he had been hung.

Hescreams.

#This is 5.6k long please don't expect me to write this much usually for my requests xD #DCMK #Detective Conan #Kudo Shinichi #Mouri Ran #Kuroba Kaito #Hattori Heiji #Hakuba Saguru #Vermouth (DCMK)#Gin (DCMK)#Vodka (DCMK)#Fic: Cost of Freedom #CoF bad end au #This is Shinichi's bad end au - there are more sides to the story but I don't know whether people want to read the other bad end aus so #:shrug:#mywriting

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theapprenticecinna · 7 years ago

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Let’s talk about Imposter Syndrome for a minute.

That feeling of “I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve this, I shouldn’t be doing this thing that I love and have worked hard for.” We don’t believe our loved ones when they tell us that actually, yes, we do deserve this, we are good at it. We don’t believe strangers when they tell us “Wow, you did this? This is really good.” We don’t believe our own brains when we look in awe at a thing we created and see that it is beautiful and worthy and wonder how it’s possible that such a lovely thing exists, and that it exists because we made it.

But we do believe the people who tell us we aren’t any good, don’t deserve this, shouldn’t be doing this. Why do we do that? Why do we listen to the people who don’t matter, and not to those who do?

I want to tell a story. It’ll be long, it’ll be self-indulgent, but it has a purpose, so stick with me.

I’ve always liked to write, but I’m not sure anyone I went to school with even knew I wrote. Because I didn’t tell anyone. Because I feared criticism.

In college, I signed up for a creative writing class because it fulfilled a requirement. That professor did not have one kind or constructive word to say to me that entire semester. I did pass the class, but only because, as he told me, it was an intro class, and he could only grade on effort. “While you’re a technically competent writer,” he wrote on my final story, “you lack the talent needed to write fiction, and that can’t be taught.”

I left class in tears and vowed to never write anything ever again.

The following year, Jennifer Crusie did a writing workshop and book signing. I went, because I wanted to get my copy of her latest novel signed. I sat through the workshop, I took notes I knew I’d never use because I wasn’t ever going to write anything, and at the end I made my way to the signing table. I introduced myself, and Jenny asked, “Are you a writer?”

“No,” I said, my face burning. “No, I’m not a writer.” I’m technically competent, but I lack talent.

She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Yes, you are. I can see it in your eyes.” She signed my book, handed it back, and I left the room with my hands shaking because what even was that? When I looked at the inscription she left me, I wanted to cry. “Best of luck with your writing.”

I lack talent.

That was in 2004. By 2009, I’d forgotten both of these incidents had ever occurred, and I got it into my head that I would do NaNoWriMo, because I thought maybe it would keep me occupied while I sat there bored at work with literally nothing else to do.

It was a disaster. I started with an idea that quickly fell apart (I lack talent) and I didn’t know how to get myself back on track (I lack talent). So I made my goal “write 50,000 words” instead of “write something good”, and I met the goal, and then I immediately deleted the file and pretended it never existed (I lack talent).

Over the next few years, I would sometimes have a scene pop into my head unbidden and with no greater context, and it would sit there and poke at me until I let it out. I’d write it down, password-protect the file, and stick it in a cryptically-named folder in the bowels of my computer. I told no one I was doing this, not even my husband. I just wrote my scenes, then hid them like porn under the mattress.

I eventually moved on from writing random scenes to writing fan fiction for a story-based fitness app called Zombies, Run! And one day I wrote a piece that just flowed out of my fingers with zero effort; something that, when I read back over it, barely needed any editing or revision; something that, when I read back over it, gave me chills and made me tear up.

I did this. I wrote this.

I showed it to my best friend. “This is really good,” he said. “Like, really good.”

I showed it to my husband. “This is really good,” he said. “Like, really good.”

I sat on it for a few months. Read over it weekly. And then finally, one day, I published it. I’m still not sure what possessed me to do it. But the ZR fandom is small and lovely and supportive, and I felt safe there.

And people liked it. One commenter told me my writing style is “quite strong and distinct”. No, I thought, that implies talent. Which I lack.

But in spite of my doubts, I published a few more chapters, a couple of standalone stories. The comments kept coming in. “I’m so glad this exists.” “This is really really good.” “I can’t wait to read more.” “Really well written and engaging.”

But…don’t I…lack talent?

I discovered a new mobile game, The Arcana, and published a two-chapter one-off. It’s a small fandom, I figured people wouldn’t mind something new to read even if it was just a silly fluff piece.

“You. Are amazing...just. brilliant!!!!!…you brilliant, fantastic author you.”

Author? I’m not an author. I’m not really even a writer.

“This is the best arcana fic I have ever read. You are amazing. I can't wait for the new chapters.”

I had no plans to write more chapters. But I read that, and I thought about it, and I opened up Scrivener, and suddenly I had three more chapters. They need some polishing before they’re ready for publication, but they’re written, and I have more in my head that can’t wait to escape.

I spent the better part of a decade not writing, because one person—one professor, who didn’t know me, who gave me no guidance and shitty writing prompts that didn’t inspire me, who never once offered me a single ounce of constructive criticism—told me that I lacked talent.

I didn’t listen to a writer I truly look up to when she said that yes, I am a writer, and wished me luck with it.

I didn’t believe my friends and family when they read my stuff and said it was good.

I ignored my own damn self when I read something I wrote and it brought me to tears.

All because one man told me I wasn’t any good.

Imposter Syndrome is a real bitch, and this is where we exit my self-indulgent memoir and talk about why I’m writing this. I’m writing this for you. You, the person reading this, who may be sitting there thinking you aren’t good enough, that no one will like what you create, that you shouldn’t even bother doing it.

Do it.

Please, please do it. Don’t let that voice in your head win. Don’t let that one comment you got online stop you from doing what you love. Don’t let that asshole professor take a decade of creating away from you.

You sit down, and you create. And if what you create doesn’t make you happy? You put it in a folder on your computer or in a drawer in your desk, and you start something new. You may be able to come back to it later and see what needs to be fixed. You may be able to come back to it later and laugh because wow, I was right to set this one aside, because look how good the other stuff is compared to it. You may need something to set fire to one day in a cathartic “fuck you, Imposter Syndrome” ritual.

You go write your story, or sing your song, or paint your picture. You go do it, and if you are comfortable with it, you send it to me so I can tell you how wonderful you are. Because creativity is a tiny spark that is so easy to snuff out, and so hard to build up, and every bit of creativity deserves to be built up and up and up. Don’t be an ember. Don’t be a flame. Be a goddamn supernova, and show this world what you can do.

Because you? Are brilliant. And don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

#imposter syndrome #you are brilliant #i am having some feelings today #and i know i'm pretty new here #but i needed to hear something like this fifteen years ago #and i hope this helps someone who is in that place that i was climb out

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jjungkooksthighs · 4 years ago

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HIII ITS ME HEART FLUTTERING ANON 😁 SO! FAV CHAPTERS EEEE first of all chap 1 had me hooked obviously from the start, and for chap 2 i lovedddd how it set the scene for how they first met and then when they ran into each other again ... literal tingles up and down the way he TALKED to her??? “pretty omega ... i won’t bite” AHHHHHHHHHHHH

and then all of chapter 3 was so good the way he was talking to her again was sooo good so possessive and it was incredible like i don’t know if you understand literally LITERALLY it makes my body tingle and then chap 4 when he carried her through the forest and hes all like “you wouldn’t want me to lose control would you” AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

and then chapter 5 i love that you wrote her a sweet best friend and also that scene where she imagined him .... GOD ur incredible. and then the ENDING. when taehyung popped out .... i’m actually double biased with taehyung and jungkook and so when that happened i was like JHDJSAIWIQKSJJS more tingles it was so well written please

... then chap 6. do i even need to say anything? thigh riding i CANT i almost passed out and he made her admit that she had her own fantasies and nobody could do it like him .... also the end when he was like “it won’t be just your legs that ache in my wake” AHHHHHHHHHHHH LIKE I SWEAR MY WHOLE BODY JUS. IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT OTHER THAN AHHHHHHHHHHH

chap 7 ... the whole dancing scene was so hot and then he told her to come to him OOOOO ANTICIPATION

finally chap 8 GODDDD first of all i love grinding like literally you don’t even understand and so when you wrote that in i was like EEEEEEE and then she went down on him and at the same time she got off on his leg that was so so sexy but then they have to go apart again :( until the next chapter !

so. in case you haven’t noticed it’s very hard for me to pick a fav chapter. lol. BUT i would def say chap 6 and chap 8 for obvious reasons, chapter 3 and 4 were also really sexy but i think my fav will be chapter 9 actually i’m anticipating it a lot and i’m sure it’ll be nothing but amazing ... that’s not pressure it’s me having faith in you cause you’re an amazing writer and i’m so excited to see what you come up with next hehe

i hope tbis wasn’t too long and annoying to read but yeah ily

Chapter 1 of COC was written during a lust filled craze following the Idol performance at Gyeongbokgung Palace that they boys did for that BTS week on Jimmy Kimmel’s show. Kook really was in a rare form following his 23rd birthday and that performance truly had me salivating over him from start to finish. I saw Jungkook and my eyes did not stray from him once and not a day later, I was working on a fic that I had no idea would become the 40k plus piece that is now COC.

Chapter 1 was brought you to my overwhelming horniness after that performance and it’s interesting that you were lured to my fic in the same way Jungkook allured me to him even from the moment I first saw him back in 2013.

You caught that little bit with him biting her in chapter 2, huh?? XD I am impressed. Perhaps he was joking, perhaps he knew from that second he saw her that she was destined to be his mate and therefore was hinting at a future mating mark???

Moving on, Jungkook is indeed a very possessive individual (from what we know of him irl in that he’s said “what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine”) and I wanted to depict that side of him in addition to making that trait even more abundant in his character in the story since wolves themselves are very territorial and possessive creatures. If Jungkook irl likes to stake his claim on things, then you can only image how much more enhanced that side of him would be if here were, say, a werewolf.

I am glad you Jungkook’s characterization in the way that he converses with those around him (especially reader) and when I was writing, I wanted reader to feel shy and even more, I wanted you guys as the readers to “feel” the tingle that she does when he speaks to her. The fact that you do means i succeeded in that and I am very, very pleased to hear it!

As for his comment about “losing control,” let us just say that every single time that reader is around him, it takes him an enormous amount of self-restraint not to let his urges take hold of him that she brings out whenever he inhales her pheromones that make his baser being howl with need for in addition to her own personality that he finds very refreshing and adorable. On top of all that, she’s the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen, so he’s quite taken with her and she with him. I wanted to instill that desire between them as well within their conversations and hopefully that is conveyed in the chapters, too!

Chapter five....that one was one written after quite the dream I had. I will say that one was genius if I do say so myself. It was so long and i had so much I wanted to do with it and the final product I was actually really satisfied with. I’m happy to know you were, too, hun! It’s funny you say you are double biased with Tae as someone I know very well irl is biased so hard for him that not even Kook can sway her attention (and lbr how can one NOT look at Jungkook when he’s sin incarnate when he wants to be and cute lil baby boy when he feels like being sweet?)

LISTEN CHAPTER SIX I WROTE IN ANOTHER LUST FILLED HAZE OKAY I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR THIGH RIDING I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS LEGS??? HAVE YOU??? LITERAL ORGASM MATERIAL ISTG I WOULD RIDE THEM WHENEVER, WHEREVER AND HOWEVER HE WANTED IF HE LET ME. MY URL LITERALLY IS JJUNGKOOKSTHIGHS OKAY I MUST PAY HOMAGE TO THE CREATIONS OF THE FINEST MAKING TO MAN (honestly though everything about Jungkook is a gift from the gods). i cannot tell you how many times I have thought about fucking myself over his thighs okay it’s just not healthy and let us leave it at that. Ahem, anyways.... chapter six really was something, huh? That whole chapter got deleted off my computer after I closed the file and forgot to save it and so had to rewrite the whole thing from scratch. It was a sad day when that happened, but I got right back to work and finished the reworked version about two days later. I had worried for some time that that chapter wasn’t as hot because of the diction in it, so hopefully you were able to immerse yourself in that and get those tingles there, too XD

Chapter seven was especially long and that one was actually deleted originally after some comments about the diction and so I had to rewrite it and repost it so that people would be able to understand it better. That whole dance scene is very close to my heart as it was taken directly from that little dance break Jungkook does in his My Time performance during their online MOTS: One concert. The song he sings is also My Time, which is my favorite solo song (in combination with Euphoria because they are both my children and you can’t pick favorites with children lbr), so that whole little show he puts on for reader is very special to me since I love the song (and dance) so much.

Chapter eight was hot af, I admit it. He really did a number on reader in chapter seven and so she wanted to show him how he made her feel and boy, did she deliver. He fell even harder for her when he realized she wanted to please him despite her inexperience and it was a godly experience for him to be able to teach her how to use her mouth on the only cock that she will ever have in her mouth or her cunt. :) They are animals after all, for only animals do what they did in that chapter in terms of her literally rutting against his leg and getting off while she drank his seed after blowing him. Anyways, it was hot and I confess, my mind really was somewhere south while writing that.

Oh, and to clarify, they don’t separate in that chapter (and I have begun to write chapter nine and they are not apart in that one either. Well, in the beginning at least ).

So, chapters 6 and 8 were your favorites, huh? Looks like your favorite ones are the ones with smut , eh??? Interesting... I will say that chapter nine will not have any smut in it, but I think you will be pleased with it when you read it. You will have quite a lot of emotions hit you during it and I hope to do you justice when I post it, hon.

Thank you so much for giving me such a long and detailed response. You may think I found it annoying, but I assure you that I did not. Rather, I thought the opposite in that it was endearing and I want you to know how grateful I am that you took the time to write all this out and send it to me. I wanted to give you a response that was just as detailed and thoughtful as I appreciate you for doing what you did. So, I guess what I am trying to say is thank you for this. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and i hope you will be appeased by my reply in turn, sweetling.

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benevolenterrancy · 7 years ago

Note

Maybe Herawell?

I’ve never written Herawell... or Maxwell at all, so this was a fun challenge (and a good excuse to relisten to season three episodes)! Definitely not a drabble but I had an idea and I wanted to roll with it. I’ve also posted it up on my AO3.

By now, Maxwell knew the Hephaestus like an old friend.

Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that if she hadold friends, she would know them as well as the Hephaestus.

She sees the blueprints in her head, sees them shift andswim through their three dimensional mapping, the layers of crew pathways andservice corridors overlaid with technical graphs of wiring and pipes andcarefully labelled systems that blurred over top of each other until she, withbarely a thought, dissected them from one another and superimpose them over hersurroundings. She was in engineering,but she wasn’t just inengineering. To her right she passed acomms terminal, and snaking through that wall was a network that connected itto three other engineering terminals to create a subsystem, partitioned off themain systems for safety reasons. Immediately beneath her feet were three different branches of theHephaestus’ heating ducts, and below that was a primary power node. Overhead, she knew there were four differentnetworks of wires, all carrying different information at impossible speeds allover the ship. Interspersed through allof this was the grid of cameras and sensors and auditor inputs used by themother program to supervise the station and its inhabitants. All of this hidden from sight buteffortlessly visible in her mind’s eye.

With ease she moved through the stuffy, complex maze ofengineering, not even looking up from the tablet in her hand and she pushed herway along. She was trying to make senseof an error that had cropped up yesterday in the ventilation system. It had been a strange, brief tick and shemight have overlooked it if it weren’t for the fact that it quite literally should not have happened. As far as she could tell there was no triggerthat should have set it off, it was a completely inscrutable puzzle, and that annoyed Alana Maxwell. So here she was, attempting to hunt it downto its root system.

She may have very well continued on her way, comfortable inthe busy silence of an unsolved dilemma (one that took her blissfully far awayfrom the unmitigated chaos of the rest of the ship since the colonel had betterthings to do than slum in engineering, Lovelace and Minkowski were bothdutifully busy with their own work, and Eiffel wasn’t likely to go somewherethat might require him needing to actually work. Honestly Maxwell was grateful for thattoday. Today wasn’t a day she felt muchlike being around other people. Jacobiby now knew to leave well enough alone; he’d given her shoulder a brief pat inthe morning when they had passed in the kitchen and that had been the extent ofit.

So it was just her and the machines. Really, if you thought about it, that wasn’tso much sad as much as it was… a tradition.

That might actually be more sad, if she let herself think aboutit too much. Which she didn’t.

This peace was broken though, when one of the machines spokeup.

“Doctor Maxwell, stop!”

Hera’s voice was so sudden and so filled with cracklingpanic that Maxwell didn’t even question it. That, and the sharp warning beeps that came half a second after told hervery clearly that she needed to quitmoving now. She scrambled to stop herself as quickly as shecould while gliding in zero-G. Shedidn’t stop a moment too soon; immediately in front her face one of the pressurerelease values on engine systems gave an ear-piercing shriek as it released askin-burning cloud of built-up steam. Even from where she clung to the pipe that had slowed her down, Alanacould feel the sizzle of super-heated water vapour across her cheeks.

The steam died back down as quickly as it had come, leavingthe room silent besides for the plinkplink of cooling metal. Maxwell tooka moment to compose herself and come to terms with her near death experiencebefore speaking.

“Maxwell? Doctor Maxwell? Are you okay? …Alana?”

Maxwell breathed carefully. The air felt all the colder passing into her lungs after that burst ofsteam.

“I am… okay, Hera. Barely, but okay. At least Iwasn’t done up like steamed broccoli so it could have been worse. Now, if you don’t mind me asking, what the hell was that.”

A semi-omniscient artificial intelligence that was fullyintegrated with a space stations couldn’t actually flinch, but Hera definitelytried.

After the uncomfortable static died down, Maxwell asked, asgently as she could, “Hera are youfeeling okay? That was a reallyunexpected pressure build up, and–”

“No no no, I’m fine! I’m fantastic! I am – with allthe work you’ve already done for me, Doctor Maxwell, I’ve honestly never felt better. It was just… I was doing a fewadjustments of our orbit and I guess it just put a bit more strain on theengines than I had calculated. Sillymistake! Must have, um, forgotten tocarry the one?”

Maxwell crossed her arms. She’d gone from being shocked and mildly concerned to down rightsuspicious. “You’ve been spending toomuch time around Eiffel,” she said flatly.

Hera couldn’t really deny that. She swore she used to be a better liar.

“Seriously, Hera, what’s wrong? And can we not do the usual song and dancearound this. Just… let me know whatneeds to be fixed, so I can fix it. Letme help.”

“Nothing needs to be fixed – well, no, that cooling tank bythe starboard thruster is still running at a loss for some reason, and I’m notsure that reroute you patched in last week has fully settled – but what I meanto say is… this was just an accident. Honest. And besides, youshouldn’t be overworking yourself today, right? Right! Right, so let’s forget it.”

Maxwell squinted.

“What’s thatsupposed to mean?”

Hera seemed to realize she’d taken a misstep because shefumbled to self-correct. “What? Mean? Nothing! Just… you’re a…hardworking individual and you shouldn’t work… too… hard.”

“Why is today so special?” she demanded, though she knewwhy. “Look, whatever you think you knowabout me, Hera–”

“Look, I wasn’t snooping just to snoop! Well, not much. Maybe a little. It happened while we were patching code fromthe Urania into my databanks. It’s allbeing shoved into my head, it’s hard notto look and it was just a little date and it wasn’t exactly classified – much –anyway! It’s not really a big deal,right? Except… then you haven’t saidanything about it and no one else has said anything about it and now I’mthinking maybe it is a big deal and,yeah…” she trailed off.

Maxwell just sighed.

“Alright, let’s just… get this out in the open then. Yes, it’s my birthday. I suppose I shouldn’t have really expectedyou not to figure that out.”

“Happy birthday?” Hera offered tentatively.

“Not really,” said Maxwell pointedly. “Look, you know and… honestly, I’msurprisingly okay with you knowing. Because it’s you. But I don’twant to talk about it or acknowledge it or anything. Get it? I don’t exactly have a lot of great memories about birthdays and honest,I’d rather just be busy.”

Math, numbers, machines, those had always been there, thosehad always been constant. Growing up,nothing else really had been. She lookedback on her time in public school mostly with resentment. They hadn’t know what they had had. They had left her alone and bored andstagnating. They had left her with herfather and left her with her inscrutable classmates and left her inmotherfucking Montana. But at the time, as a child, she had likedschool, as much as she’d liked most things. Oh, she had hated her classmates, and hated the lonely boredom of recessand lunch until she had learned to smile and charm and convince her peers totolerate her on a surface level. She hadhated how boring the work had been and how stupid her classmates had seemed. But school at least had been constant. Every weekday, eight to two. And once a year, like every other student intheir small elementary school, the principal would call her name over the morningannouncements to mention to a mostly uncaring student body that it was herbirthday and to invite her to get a birthday pencil from the office. It had been predictable. It had, when she was younger and more naïve,made her feel good. Once a year, atleast one person would wish her a happy birthday. She had heard plenty of stories about whatbirthdays were supposed to be like, heard peers talk, read it in books, seen iton TV. Parents pampering you, presents,parties, praise. Some years her fatherremember. Some years she wished he didn’t. Most it wasn’t an issue, but it wasn’tmentioned.

But she would spend the entire day on edge, wondering if,if, if, if he would remember, and if he did what would happen. It had been an unpredictable, anxious sort ofday. Most years she would drag herbiggest, and most interesting books into her room – whatever she’d been able tocheck out of the school’s little library or borrow from the classroom – andread. She’d look at the grade six mathbook that was theoretically three years too advance for her and let the simpleequations solve themselves before her eyes, she’d read about space and scienceand exploration and imagine the hidden math there. A rocket went up to space. How? The book didn’t tell. She wouldspend the evening on her stomach with paper and pencils in front of her as sheimagined how it worked, why it worked, if she could make it work. The math was constant. It kept her busy. It was a good friend.

And yes, she realized that that sounded sad. Childhood trauma and all that, the plight ofa child genius, everyone had heard the narrative before. She shut it down and locked it up behindfirewalls and deleted the directories that lead back there. It was unnecessary baggage, a glitch in herprograming, an obsolete file that slowed her down. But command_code: “birthday” had a way ofdrawing those memories back up. So shekept busy.

Maxwell spoke first, eager to change the subject. “So how about we figure out what the heck hasbeen causing these weird alarms over the past few days. At this point I’m thinking there might besomething wrong with the alarm trigger itself, with the audio, because–”

“I, uh… I know what’s wrong.”

“…Are you serious? Sowhat, you’ve just been watching me scramble around trying to figure it out? Hera, if this is a prank you have really been spending too much timearound Eiffel.”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Hera…”

“I’m serious! Well, Imean technically there were thingsthat were wrong for a very, very briefamount of time. I was trying to surpriseyou and so I was… practicing.”

“By… breaking the ship? I mean, I would have beensurprised if we’d suddenly dropped into the star but I think everyone elsewould have been too.”

“Oh, so I need to keep you updated about every time I adjustany system, but you don’t even have to tell me that it’s your birthday!” snapped Hera, clearly riled.

“What does that have to do with anything?” demanded Maxwell,feeling just as frustrated.

“Because it’s your birthday!”

“So what? Kepler’s isnext month, do you give a shit about that?”

“No! Because that’s Kepler, and this is you. I care because it’s yourbirthday! This is the day you started existing. And I thought that we… I thought…” The glitch was thick in her voice. “I thought you would c-care if I knew.”

The action was immediately, without any sort of thought; Maxwellreached out and put a hand on the nearest pipe. It was an absolutely insane, nonsensical thing to do. To say that Hera was the Hephaestus was agross over-simplification to begin with, but even if you did make that leap itwasn’t like there was any sensation for Hera to experience by Maxwell touchingsome arbitrary part of the station. Shecouldn’t tell that Maxwell’s hand was soft. Apologetic. Shocked and sincereand overwhelmed but not knowing how to feel any of that let alone voice it.

“I don’t really dobirthdays. Not a lot of great memoriesfor me.” Please understand.

“I get that, I just…” said Hera, with stops and starts. “I’m sorry, I’m going to mess all this up. I just, I wanted you to know that I’m g-gladyou exist. And I get not liking whereyou c-came from, but I don’t care aboutthat. Who cares if the person who madeyou was a b-bad person? I’m glad youexist, like this, now.”

Maxwell could feel her hand tighten its grip on the pipe asher throat tightened around a lump of emotions rising up from her chest. She didn’t know what to say, so she saidnothing.

For a moment it was silent, or as silent as engineering evergot. Just the sound of a single humanand thousands of pounds of complex machinery co-existing. And a single AI thinking carefully before shespoke.

Finally, Hera said, with great tentativeness, “Can I giveyou my gift now? I… I was still working itout but I think it should be ready.”

That startled Maxwell. “Alright, Hera, you’re pretty amazing but – no, you are possibly the most amazing person I know – butthere are limits. You don’t have hands, Hera. We’re stuck in a tin can eight lightyearsaway from earth.” Laughter was breakinginto her voice, a disbelieving, amazed, intrigued laughter. She was curious. Not just curious, but completelystumped. You couldn’t just get someonesomething when you had next to no resources to begin with and were existing ina tiny bubble in the middle of space. And yet she was supposed to believe Hera had somehow managed it? Just because it was Maxwell’s birthday?

Honestly, if anyone could manage it, she supposed the factthat Hera had surprised her the least. No matter what that little voice in her head might insist, Hera wascapable of so much. Maxwell had builther life around artificial intelligence, and yet Hera was constantly,endlessly, relentlessly amazing her. Notbecause she was a great AI, but because Hera was, unerringly, a greatperson. A great, shocking, frustrating,wonderful person.

“I have my ways,” said Hera, with a smug pride in her voicethat was so far removed from the helplessness that she was still workingthrough that Maxwell couldn’t help but smile. ”So… do you want it?”

“Yes, I’m too curious now.”

“I know all your weaknesses,” teased Hera. “You’re going to have to wait for just onesecond. It’s a little tricky to getgoing.”

Maxwell floated in the middle of engineering, waiting.

Then a warning buzzer went off somewhere below her. Maxwell was in the middle of doing afull-body twist – immediately looking for what was going wrong was such aningrained instinct at this point that she didn’t even think about it – when thebuzz cut off. And then another alarmbeeped, its lights flashing. Andbeeped. Stopped. A higher pinging, a warning bell, and soonMaxwell was listening to a choir of notification pings and alarm buzzes andalert beeps play out in what, she realized with delighted awe, was asurprisingly recognizable rendition of HappyBirthday. And this wasn’t just Herapiping music or even noise through her speakers. No, Maxwell realized as she floated amid a rainbowsky of flashing lights, somehow Hera was managing to choreograph an array ofsystem failures with the sole purpose of making the machines around them sing.

That should have been more terrifying than it was. Mostly Maxwell just wanted to figure out away to hug an entire space station, because an entire space station beingsystematically broken and rebuilt in the span of microseconds that was possiblythe coolest gift she had ever been given.

When the last warning hum died down, and the bright lightswere flashing and twinkling like party poppers, Maxwell applauded.

“D-did you like it?”

“Hera, that was amazing. How did you even manage that?”

Hera was flustered, delightfully so. “Oh, you know. Practice. Which, um, sorry about that. Butit was really just like knocking over a line of dominoes. …Dominoes that you also need to make sure youprogram to immediately rebuild themselves after they get knocked over soeveryone doesn’t die a horrible, painful death.” Hera laughed uncertainly. “But everything was fine, so – yay.”

Maxwell was turning on the spot, mentally trying tocalculate how many different systems had played into that, how that many couldeven be altered or tricked in such a way. “There must have been a hundred different failsafes to work around topull that off.”

“Oh, believe me, there are and none of them are happy withme right now. But… I did it. I really didn’t think I could but, well, thenI figured who says I can’t. So I just,did.”

Maxwell had her face in her hands.

“Doctor Maxwell?”

Her shoulders shook.

“Alana?” called Hera, more alarmed. “I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have doneanything; Eiffel doesn’t like his birthday either, but I’d thought–”

Finally, Maxwell laughed. Deep, gasping laughs that were almost tears, probably were tears, butwere wrapped up enough in humour and joythat they could be safely ignored.

“I can’t believe you just completely kicked down everywarning sign built into your head that you could find. You just… stomped right over every stopperGoddard made because you wanted to. Because you thought it would make me happy. I can’t… I…” Her breathing steadied alittle, and suddenly the weight of it, the weight of twenty seconds and a sillychildish song hit her fully. “Thank you,Hera.”

“You’re welcome, Alana.” A beat, and then, as if thinking better of herself even as she said it,Hera said, “I understand why you wouldn’t like your birthday, and I definitelyget having memories you don’t want to think about, but someone really, reallywise told me that memories are what make us people. So I was thinking, maybe, we could make somenew memories? Together?”

Maxwell didn’t know what to say. Her mind whizzed with every reason this was abad idea. Birthday’s were inherentlyunreliable, so she filled them with reliability: numbers, math, work, a few ofthe constants in her life. Thetemptation to stick with what she knew, to avoid the thoughts, to avoidconfrontation was great. Sheoverthought, and she knew it. So shestopped, and said the only thing that she could possibly say.

“I imagine everyone can keep us from dropping into the starwithout me there to hold their hands for a few hours, right?”

“I don’t know about that,” said Hera, fondly. “But I’d be willing to test that hypothesisout.”

“Sounds like a date.”

#wolf 359 #herawell #hera #alana maxwell #fanfiction #bene speaks #anon #hopefully their voices worked alright #thanks for the prompt!#and if anyone else feels like dropping a prompt for something into my askbox feel free #i'm collecting them so i have inspiration to write over the holidays #though no promises about if or when i write 'em #it's all just for fun :P

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meaganloydcollective · 7 years ago

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let’s talk: halloween television shows

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is upon us. Fall is our third season of the year from late September to late November with Halloween and Thanksgiving anchoring the season. As Halloween nears, let’s recount the top ten Halloween themed episode of some of my favorite television shows.

10. “Vampire Weekend” Castle Castle was a crime, drama, and comedy show that aired on ABC for eight years. Witty main characters played by Stana Katic and Nathan Fillion filled the quirky episode perfectly. “Vampire Weekend” is an episode in season two that explores the vampire fetish community. The vampire scenes were crafted more elaborately than the Twilight series books. Detective Kate Beckett (Katic) and her author/partner Rick Castle (Fillion) solve the mystery of a man who was staked through the heart. Castle was one of my favorite shows each Monday night when it was on air and this episode definitely is in my list of favorites. The dynamic duo of Kate Beckett and Rick Castle was a perfect touch to the series. Their crime show was different than Bones, CSI, or Law and Order Special Victims Unit with their unconventional plot ideas and quick banter conversations.

9. “Halloween” The Office The Office is one of my favorite shows and has been for a long time. I got hooked originally on the show after an episode featured Michael (Steve Carell) burning his foot on a George Foreman grill. This Halloween episode was the first of many Halloween episodes to come. “Halloween” aired in season two. Michael is ordered by a company executive to let one of his employees go because of budget cuts across the paper supply company. The episode featured general conflict with everyone in the Office worried they would be the one to go. The show also features one of their infamous Halloween parties and some creative costumes. Dwight, the Assistant to the Regional Manager, comes dressed up as the Emperor from Star Wars. Michael had catalog ordered a paper maché double of his head months before the holiday. This episode from The Office was good, but some of their other Halloween episodes were better.

8. “Halloween” Modern Family Claire needs the family’s help to make their annual Halloween party successful but has some issues along the way. Claire loves Halloween so she plans each of her family members a specific Halloween costume to wear and roles to play at their party. Of course, it doesn’t go as planned. I liked this episode from Modern Family. Their family was dysfunctional but they have a unique charm. At the end of the day, the family comes together which is predictable, but nice.

7. “Employee Transfer” The Office Pam worked at the corporate office for Dunder Mifflin while she was in art school in New York. The Scranton branch always had a party and celebrated holidays with large office parties. Much to her dismay, Pam shows up to the corporate office in a Charlie Chaplin costume and grease paint mustache. If she takes, she looks like Adolf Hitler. She can’t leave the corporate office for the day so multiple scenes show her filing in the Charlie Chaplin costume. Dwight plays a prank on Andy by wearing a Cornell Sweatshirt, which was Andy’s alma mater. This creates tension between Andy and Dwight. This is a great episode, packed full of pranks for the Halloween season.

6. “Costume Contest” The Office The office gang celebrates yet another holiday. Pam offers a Scranton-area coupon book as the prize for the winner of the best Halloween costume. The coupons book contains an offer total of $15,000 in total savings. A majority of the staff thinks the coupon book is literally worth $15,000.Oscar denies the coupon book is really worth that much. The co-workers continue to change costumes throughout the day when they realize that their costumes might not be enough to win the prized coupon book. Oscar changes out of his costume to his normal work clothes and is ultimately declared the winner of the coupon book. This episode was a nod to Survivor, with interviews with the coworkers as they revealed why they voted for Oscar, who was the most unlikely to win the coupon book.

5. “Twenty-One is the Loneliest Number” Gilmore Girls Gilmore Girls has been one of my favorite shows for many years. The witty dialogue and coffee-infused characters made me fall in love years ago. While the show ended in 2007, it’s still relevant ten years later. In this particular episode of Gilmore Girls, Lorelai and Rory are fighting. They had previously agreed to celebrate Rory’s twenty-first birthday and “do it up right.” Since Rory had previously moved out, Lorelai is alone. Rory’s twenty-first birthday party is celebrated in her grandmother’s large home, where Lorelai and Rory had a cold conversation. They still don’t make up after her birthday party and Lorelai goes home. As Halloween nears, Lorelai watches other residents of Stars Hallow decorate for Halloween. The neighbors keep asking her if she will do more than hang caramel apples from her trees.While this episode isn’t fully decorated with Halloween references, it’s a good reminder that October isn’t always about celebrating a holiday and trick or treating. The shots of a small, New England town in the fall were also a highlight to this episode.

4. “Greg Pikitis” Parks and Recreation Leslie Knope and the Parks Department are back at it again. Greg Vernon Pikitis is a resident of Pawnee, Indiana and is known as Leslie’s arch nemesis. Every year on Halloween, Greg vandalized the town but Leslie could never seem to catch him in the act. Leslie does a ride along with her friend on the police force to catch him. Andy, Leslie, and the police officer catch him when he spray-paints and toilet papers the statue of Mayor Percy in the center of town.This episode is a favorite of mine because of the elaborate pranks in the episode. The deleted scene (hyperlinked) is also a favorite scene of mine because it portrays Leslie Knope as the quirky, dedicated Parks Department employee she is.

3. “Halloween Surprise” Parks and Recreation Leslie and Ben’s relationship gets put on hold when Ben gets a new job offer to leave Pawnee. Leslie and Ann give Jerry, another employee in Pawnee’s Parks Department, a heart attack.Ron grows closer to his girlfriend but feared her kids. His girlfriend has two daughters that want to be fairy princesses for Halloween. Ron takes his girlfriend and her daughters trick or treating that night. It’s a sweet episode with little action from the Parks Department. Ron is one of my favorite characters on the show because of how serious and anti-government he was. Ron only likes whiskey, steak, hunting, and nature so when he interacts with his girlfriend’s daughters, it is a humorous scene to say the least.

2. “The One with the Halloween Party” Friends Monica and Chandler have a costume party for Halloween in their apartment. Phoebe’s sister Ursula bumps into Phoebe on the street so she invites her to Monica and Chandler’s costume party.Meanwhile, Rachel answers the door for all of the trick or treaters and gets herself in some trouble. Friends has always been in my list of all-time favorite shows. I grew up with my mom watching it when it came on every week, along with Will and Grace. I remember dancing around the living room to the theme song every single week before going upstairs to bed. This episode isn’t the best episode of Friends but the scene with Rachel when she gets in a fight with the kids at the door is one of my favorites.

1. “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” Charlie Brown has remained a tradition after many years, even in our family. The Peanuts group celebrates Halloween while Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown gets invited to a Halloween Party and it is his first one ever. Snoopy dresses up as a World War II flying ace, taking his costume to the extreme. My dad grew up with Charlie Brown. His mom still sends him comic strips that feature Snoopy and the gang from time to time in the mail. The holiday television specials were important in our family and we gathered around to watch them every Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentines Day. This remains on the top of my list for more sentimental reasons than entertainment reasons. No matter where we all are or what was going on during that week, we baked cookies and watched the Charlie Brown specials.

From Friends to Parks and Recreation to Gilmore Girls, Halloween is a popular theme for TV series. The month of October is a great time of the year to celebrate the holiday and watch these episodes.

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cathcacen · 7 years ago

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Tethered

Still naming Learei drabbles after songs XD

Tethered by Sleeping at Last

“You'll be balance when i waver. I'll be warmth when you are shivering cold. You'll be patience when i've had enough of this waiting game. I'll be the anchor cast below.”

Lear misses a date, but also needs to make sure Rei knows he’s alive and well. Rei realises with a little sleuthing that she does, in fact, have the means to check on Lear.

He doesn’t show up. She spends the entire weekend in Santorini by herself, anxious and concerned; she doesn’t have a way to contact him, nor does she think he'd appreciate having his focus broken by something as trivial as a date. Especially if he’s been called away so suddenly he can’t even get word to her.

It has to be something important, she tells herself. I hope he's okay.

By the time she gets back to her apartment, she's come up with at least seven different scenarios for why he hadn't showed up. The first is the most terrifying - that Sagen could be lying dead somewhere, and she would have no way of ever finding out.

She doesn’t want to think on that, so she concentrates on her unpacking. Despite the anxiety bubbling inside, she’d made the rounds of the island on a rental moped, trying out the local cuisine and chatting with some other tourists. She’d bought some local souvenirs for Sagen - Greek spice rub, thyme honey, fresh baklava, and a jar of luscious, fat Kalamata olives. There are some photographs of the villa they had rented - whitewashed with a bright blue domed ceiling, square windows, and a soft, baby blue door that opened onto a sunny balcony overlooking the glimmering sea.

The movies don’t do the island justice.

She puts aside Sagen’s souvenirs and finishes off with her unpacking and laundry. Her flight had put her back home with plenty of time to spare, so she’s just wondering what to do for dinner when a soft knock brings her to the door.

Sagen is standing there when she throws it open, at once sheepish and apologetic. “Sorry I didn’t call.”

She lets out a breath, and can’t muster up the energy to be angry. Relief floods her senses, and she throws her arms around him, burying her face into the crook of his neck and shoulder.

There are words that linger at the tip of her tongue, begging to be said - thank goodness you’re safe. I missed you. I was so worried about you.

Instead, she chuckles, the sound coming out less convincing than she would’ve preferred. “It’s okay, I got the bed all to myself.”

He grins broadly at her, and she steps aside to let him in. Only then does she see the paper bag he’s holding, the cork of a wine bottle only just visible from the top. “I’m sure you made the most of everything we’d planned. Did you see Nea Kameni?”

“Yes, and I took some photos for you too.” Out of habit, she glances out, checking that the corridor is empty before closing and bolting the door. “I wanted to go to Therasia for the hot springs, but I ran out of time.”

Sagen finds the stemmed wine glasses in her cabinets with ease, then sets about uncorking the bottle. She recognises the label from her second night in Greece - a light, tangerine-and-flower white. “We’ll go together next time.” He hands her a glass, clinking the mouth of his glass to hers.

“Exactly how did you get a Moshcofilero if you weren’t even in Greece, hm?” She peers at him, but takes a sip anyway. It’s as delicious as she remembers.

“I know a guy.”

“You know many guys.”

He gives her a smug sort of smile as he takes a seat on one of her bar stools. She rolls her eyes, but goes to him anyway. “This one in particular has a taste for uncommon wines. I was going to bring you to taste this label, but it would appear you’ve already had some.”

“Not my fault you booked us that wine-tasting daytrip and failed to show up for it.” She swirls the wine in her glass, then takes another sip. “I got you some food, anyway. It’s good you showed up before the baklava went bad.”

Sagen squeezes her briefly before turning around, reaching for his paper bag. “I can’t stay long, but I brought dinner. You hungry?”

She watches as he pulls out an assortment of fillets - whitefish and shellfish, and a few small boxes of assorted salad greens. It’s his way of making up for lost time, she knows - charm and apology in one. He’s done it before.

She falls for it every time. “Starving.”

It’s a slow day; she’d spent it updating the files of her current patients on the encrypted server where the medical histories of military personnel were stored for easy access. She’d brought a leftover piece of baklava - the last - back to base. It’s all but lost its crispness by now, but it’s no less tasty and the memory of Sagen cutting into it brings a smile to her face.

He’d cooked them up a delicious dinner, and they’d eaten it outside in the balcony. She’d showed him the pictures, from the volcano to the marketplaces and temples and vineyards - then they’d deleted them, out of habit. While she cleaned up after, he’d dug into her cupboards for the artisanal spiced tea she kept around for him, sweetening the pot with the Grecian honey after. Then they’d lounged about for a little while before he’d had to leave.

Got somewhere else to be, he’d said. She’d recognised the shit-eating grin.

Something clicks inside as she chews and swallows. Throughout the course of the night before, it had been clear that Sagen was favouring his right side. He’d hidden it well enough, but there was a wince, a bit of a grunt, when she’d hugged him too tightly - and then again when she’d nuzzled into his side post-dinner.

Out of respect and a desire to let him play out his planned show, she’d neglected to ask.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t look into it. She washes down the last of the baklava with her coffee, then types his name into the page. The history she’s after is password protected, but she’s been listed as Sagen’s primary doctor in the military since before his four-month hospital stint, so her passkey gets her through with no red flags raised. A cursory glance at the latest updates show he’s mostly had minor procedures done at her base - stitches, overnight observation, antibiotics for infection, and a case of mild pneumonia that had resulted in a week of infirmary time with lots of chicken alphabet soup.

He’d spelled out the silliest things with his pasta. Elevator. Spidermonkey. Ice cream. Steak sauce. Limoncello. Cicero.

The last one had had the entire infirmary in stitches. Enema.

She scrolls down to the very end of the page and reads through the latest notes. Her breath hitches and she has to stop herself from crying out.

Sagen had gotten into trouble after all. The new notations are the work of a civilian General Surgeon - a certain Doctor Schaefer, currently employed in the hospital nearby her apartment in town. She grits her teeth, swearing through them. GSW through the left side - there had been no injury to his vital organs, but the bullet had lodged itself in one of his metal ribs. The fool had gone and gotten himself shot, admitted, and into surgery during her flight to Santorini.

She’s not even surprised.

Damn it, Sagen.

There’s a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that corresponds with the feeling of bereftness coupled with genuine terror. For one brief moment, her mind slips into the dark place - one where she opens Sagen’s chart to find out he’s dead. She shakes away the thoughts and gulps down more water - her mouth has gone dry, and she’s suddenly very aware that it could happen for real. And beneath the underlying thread of terror is the realisation that he had snuck out of the hospital to see her.

She doesn’t even know whether to be touched or angry, and settles on exasperated. According to the records, Sagen is meant to stay in the hospital for another two days, so she packs up her things, clocks out for the day, and takes a bus downtown to ‘check on her patient’.

A few nurses at the hospital are familiar with her, so none of them question her presence there. She makes her way to Sagen’s private room without much trouble. He jumps when she strides in, with all the grace of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but recovers spectacularly.

“Tah dah!” His voice is light, the words coming out in a sing-song manner as he opens up his hands and arms. As if he’d meant all along to be found in all his hospital-bound glory.

“How the hell did you manage to get out of a camera-filled hospital with a gunshot wound to the chest?” She shuts the door and closes the blinds, then sits on the chair beside his bed, scowling.

Sagen chuckles heartily; he doesn’t look at all unhappy to have been found out. If anything, he actually looks pleased for the company. “The same way I managed to cook you dinner and give you snuggles after.” He pauses for dramatic effect. “Determination and painkillers.”

“You could’ve just called.”

“But then the baklava would’ve gone bad.”

She levels a flat look at him, and he grins back at her. “It’s not funny, you idiot. You could’ve torn your stitches open.”

“Good thing I was going to see a doctor, then.” Sagen drums his fingers lightly upon his sheets, then reaches out to brush her cheek with his fingertip. “Come on, give me some credit - I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Some things can’t be helped.” She puffs up her cheeks, grumbling. “But how would you like it if I just didn’t show up one day? And then you come home from Alexandria or something to find out I’d gotten shot and didn’t tell you.”

“That wouldn’t have happened.” Sagen’s smile takes on a lighter cast. They always keep it light, even when they’re discussing heavier subjects. It makes it easier to pretend. “Because I’d want to find you and steal you away anyway, so chances are I’d be able to prevent your getting shot.”

She leans back in her chair with a sigh. “Have I ever mentioned how unfair it is that you know exactly how and where to find me, whereas I literally have no idea when I’ll see you again?”

He lays back against his pillows, his eye softening for only a brief moment before the careless, good-natured cheer returns. “You found me today, though.”

“Yes. Yes, I did.” She meets his eye. You’ll find me, and I’ll find you. “And now I’ll know where to look if you don’t show up again.” She has to admit it’s a pretty convenient trick - one she’d overlooked before. “That’s if I can count on all the other doctors you’re seeing to be accurate with their charting.”

Sagen quirks a smile. “Well, if they’re all as reliable as my cute lady doc, I’d say you’re all set.”

“Sure.” She rolls her eyes, but can’t help the smile that breaks forth. Reaching into her bag, she pulls out a foil-wrapped sandwich and hands it to him before getting to her feet. “Try not to sneak out again.”

He takes the sandwich gleefully, then pulls her down for a quick peck on the lips. “No promises. Stay out of trouble, Naveau.”

#emmbot writes #raindrop pendants au #lear ilvait-sagen #anarei ilvait-sagen

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chronotrek · 7 years ago

Text

753. [VOY] Renaissance Man

SCORE:

(4/5 stars)

The Doctor and Janeway are returning to Voyager on the Delta Flyer from a conference. But Voyager receives a transmission from Janeway on the Flyer routed through the deflector array stating that their comm system is in disrepair and they had to use the deflector, and for Chakotay to meet her in her ready room as soon as she's aboard. She explains that they had a run-in with an alien species who controls a territory spanning all the way to the Beta Quadrant with technology decades ahead of their own, and they demand that Voyager hand over its warp core and settle on a planet in the territory. Chakotay is surprised at how easily Janeway is laying down for these demands and how she's leaving him so in the dark.

Janeway asks B'Elanna to modify the Delta Flyer's tractor beam to be able to tow the warp core safely. Torres is confused and asks Chakotay about what's going on. Chakotay asks the Doctor to run an exam on Janeway because he's concerned about her behavior, and then goes to Astrometrics to ask Seven to scan for any cloaked ships like the type Janeway described. Seven isn't finding any, but they do receive a transmission from the species demanding they remand the warp core within ten hours or they will be destroyed.

Janeway has been kidnapped by two rogue Hierarchy officers and they've tapped into the Doctor's program, allowing them to see and hear everything he does. They're forcing him to deliver Voyager's warp core to them or they'll kill Janeway. She is insisting that he not comply, but he doesn't want to risk her death and carries on with his mission. In addition to the warp core, they demand some gel packs. The Doctor lures B'Elanna out of Engineering so he can go in there posing as her to grab some spares, but he's surprised by Tom, who's been trying to get B'Elanna to have a picnic with him somewhere because the baby is due any day and they'll never be alone again. The Doctor gets him to agree to dinner that night to deflect, and has to sit there and take it when Tom kisses him.

Harry calls Chakotay (the Doctor has hidden his combadge under a sleeve) and he poses as Chakotay to visit Holodeck 2, where Harry is able to determine the transmission from the "aliens" was actually sent and generated from here. He's able to even reconstruct that it was the Doctor behind it, which leaves the Doctor with another unconscious body to hide in the morgue. He tries to unwind with some music in sickbay, but is confronted by Tuvok, who sees that Janeway's holographic pattern had been accessed immediately before the deflector array transmission. Tuvok is able to block the Doctor's hypospray and begins shooting out holoemitters in Sickbay. The Doctor turns intangible and runs for his holoemitter, escaping the room with it attached.

Tuvok chases him down to the Holodeck, where he has filled the room with copies of himself. While Tuvok attempts to ascertain which one is real, the real one is making his escape in the Jefferies tube heading for engineering, where he poses as Chakotay and orders everyone to evacuate because the warp core is about to breach. Torres says all readings are fine, but "Chakotay" says the Doctor is interfering with the computer displays. She gets everyone out but wants to stay with Chakotay to help save the core before he says she shouldn't risk the baby. She's about to leave when Paris warns her over the intercom that the Doctor's emitter is in Engineering. The Doctor seals her inside a force field, and activates the ECH protocols which allow him to eject the core.

Tuvok tracks the Doctor to a Jefferies tube heading for the shuttlebay. The Doctor poses as Torres but Tuvok doesn't buy it. Unfortunately for Tuvok, the Doctor is on fucking point today and pulls a wall-run to get behind him and phaser-stuns him. He gets away with the Delta Flyer and the warp core, and Voyager is left without main power to stop him. The Doctor rendezvous with the Hierarchy renegades and demands they beam Janeway to her, but they fire on him instead to get him to release the tractor beam and then beam him aboard their vessel. After his impressive performance on Voyager, they're going to use him to steal even more stuff.

Tom finds Chakotay and Harry in the morgue and revives them. With no sign of Janeway anywhere, Tuvok deduces she probably never made it back to the ship. When they're able to restore main power, a recording of the Doctor playing the Blue Danube waltz at a recital plays on all comm frequencies, with several errors in the recording. They remember that he played without error, and are able to analyze the flaws to determine he's hidden the warp frequency of the Hierarchy ship in the song. Tuvok and Tom can follow its signature in one of the shuttles.

On the Hierarchy ship, Janeway has managed to slowly ingratiate herself to the subordinate officer with flattery while his superior does nothing but insult him. They load the Doctor's matrix with data and holomatrix parameters for their next heist, but it's too much data and begins destabilizing his matrix. Tom and Tuvok catch up to the ship and Tom beams aboard. After a struggle, the underappreciated subordinate turns on his superior and the warp core, Janeway and the Doctor are returned to Voyager.

Because of his matrix destabilization, it's not certain the Doctor will survive, and while Seven and Torres work to save him on the holodeck, he begins acting as though this is his final moments, and begins confessing embarrassing secrets that have weighed on his conscience, such as keeping a file on Janeway's orders he disagreed with, mocking Harry's clarinet skills, telling Neelix about Tuvok's rash, and biggest of all confessing love for Seven (which she brushes off as his cognitive processes malfunctioning). He vanishes, but then returns. Torres just had to turn him off and back on again. He sulks in Sickbay for the next week after that embarrassing display, and Janeway shows up to dole out punishment for his insubordination in stealing the warp core: a week without his mobile emitter, which she calls time served since he's not left Sickbay in that long. She invites him to the holodeck for coffee.

NITPICKS

The Doctor's bluff about the species that believes warp travel is damaging to subspace would be a lot more convincing if A. they didn't control literally thousands of light years of territory (how are they patrolling it and not being hypocrites?) and B. Voyager's warp drive was specifically designed to eliminate damage to subspace.

This episode really exemplifies the missed opportunities with the Doctor that can really be blamed mostly on A. lack of creativity from the writing staff, and B. a special effects budget. When the Doctor ran through the table, it just raises the question of why did we never see him reach his hands inside someone to perform surgery?

If the Doctor doesn't need the mobile emitter to be on his shoulder, why would he continually place it there, where it's openly visible and vulnerable?

FAVORITE QUOTES

Doctor: I didn't wake you, did I? Janeway: That's all right, Doctor. Fifteen minutes of sleep is really all I need.

Doctor: Computer, access Lieutenant Torres' holographic template and download the physical parameters into my program. [He makes the changes then realizes he's missing the baby bump.] Doctor: Computer, access medical file Torres Three and update her holographic template.

Doctor: I've had something on my conscience for a long time. After I was first activated, I kept a record of what I considered to be your most questionable command decisions. It's in my personal database. I hope you'll delete the file without reading it. Mister Tuvok, I violated the most sacred trust between a physician and his patient. I told Mister Neelix about the cutaneous eruption you developed on your... that was indiscreet. I hope you can forgive me. Ensign, at your recital last month, I told Lieutenant Torres that your saxophone playing reminded me of a wounded targ. I should've put it more delicately. I'm sorry. Seven. Seven: You should remain still. Doctor: You have no idea how difficult it's been, hiding my true feelings all these years, averting my eyes during your regular maintenance exams. I know you could never have the same feelings for me but I want you to know the truth. I love you, Seven. Seven: Your cognitive algorithms are malfunctioning. Doctor: Goodbye, my friends. Speak well of me. [The EMH disappears.] Janeway: Is he...? Torres: No, I've got him. [The Doctor reappears.] Doctor: What happened? Torres: I deleted the extraneous subroutines. Doctor: I'm not going to decompile? Janeway: You'll probably outlive us all. Paris: Doc, anything else you'd like to confess?

Janeway: Now, when you're on the holodeck with the captain, there are two rules you have to follow. Doctor: I understand. Janeway: First, leave your rank at the door. Doctor: Not a problem. The second? Janeway: No opera.

#star trek #voyager #voy #chronotrek #chronological #review #renaissance man #the doctor #emh #holograms kick ass yo

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