#she also really likes romantic goth stuff..... particularly gothic fashion!

[mango-mya]

Ohhhh my god someone tell them to shut upppp ughhh

Textless ver!!

[mmymoon]

So many feelings~

I kind of generally dislike the holidays, because of my illnesses, I’m usually exhausted and worn out and sick by then anyway, so it always kind of seems like a gauntlet of various holiday parties - Family Christmas - people’s expectations for New Year - People’s expectations of my birthday. If it’s a good year I can manage some cutesy crafting and bolster everyone’s seasonal mood!

But this year... ugh. My family is in the middle of a particularly emotive fight (my sister hasn’t reached the age where she recognizes our mother is only another flawed human, if she ever manages that) and just... so much has been dumped on me this month. HOPEFULLY they’ll all play nice tomorrow on Christmas, but I have that low-key social stress to look forward to. (I was supposed to go over and watch Muppets with my sister but, true to her rather self-aborbed fashion, she announced she was doing Harry Potter instead. Eh... I don’t want to watch Harry Potter, it does nothing for me.)

I had my dog for over ten years, and he was energetic and talkative and my companion in times like these, where I basically don’t leave bed for weeks and months. He could be counted on to focus on ME if I was upset or stressed or hurting. (He’d be the kind of dog to shove his nose in your hand if you were crying, or even just stand up to peer over the rim of the bathtub if I slid down to wash my hair.) Losing him left this huge void in my heart and I don’t know what to do. I have two other dogs so I feel like I shouldn’t adopt another, but they aren’t... MY dog, in the same way. 

My girlfriend and I breaking up right before Christmas isn’t even that sad comparatively -- honestly I saw some red flags waving -- but I had spent years not particularly caring about having a romantic partner and getting a little taste of it now kind of makes me... nostalgic for the emotional support she WASN’T providing actually, but I was hoping she would be.  It makes me want to actually maybe date, but also maybe not since that always seems to turn out horribly since people expect me to be something I’m not, which is a disabled person with a complicated situation. Also, a big sack of complicated feelings about getting to be a, you know, practicing lesbian again instead of a theoretical one and about a billion related cultural issues and anxieties related to disability that brought up. (@oak23 wooboy, I know we don’t have the same issues but yeah where does one even talk about this stuff?) Back to my life as a pious gothic nun...

... which then reminds me my goth club closed, so I’ve gone this whole time with nothing socially to really look forward to. There’s a new year’s party my beloved organizer is doing, but it isn’t one I can really attend and it just kind of makes me sad to think about that, because after NYE there aren’t any real scheduled holidays/events, so I have NOTHING CONCRETE TO LOOK FORWARD TO ON THAT FRONT. (It’s just how it turned out, and I’m grateful that one of her NYE parties years ago kind of saved my life, but... but I wish I had that to look forward to now, instead of... nothing.)

I mean, I have a lolita event in Feb (if I’m not too sick and bail, I hate February) and that new gothic convention in March (god help me I’ll force myself to go) but they’re so far off and amorphous... I’m not working either of those (since I can’t commit to work in winter) so hopefully that will mean I actually get to party, not just drift around with nothing to do. I am deeply, deeply grateful for my friends online and off, though. I’m sure pretty soon I’ll be back to my usual self and not just be wallowing around going “my goth club died, my dog died, my relationship died,” and generally feeling sorry for myself. (I’m giving myself until my birthday, then no more dramatic woe!) But for now, I think I’m just going to watch Die Hard and punch cute things in the face in my mmo. Hnggggg.