#shapeshifting characters as a whole make me a bit ill in the brain in general

[theonetrueyeet]

laios and lycion are some of my fav characters in dungeon meshi oh i am not beating the autistic furry allegations whatsoever

[cheap-jumpscare]

ranting abt being kanade yoisaki.... if ur uncomfy with doubles, scroll away !!!!!!!1

raghhhhh i need white hair and my hair needs 2 be straight n long...... sighs. i already have blue eyes n im already extremely pale so thumbs up but ugh. i shld be skinnier too and that is related :|

i cant tell if im fickin or not but i rlly do wish i looked like. me? ive even always ACTED like me. im just. Kanade Yoisaki. this is the one "just like me fr.." character that's been CONSISTENT.

i was watching a video essay my meowtual Vriska made and SIGHS yeah. its >here< btw pls watch it. very good art and a very cool survey !!

^ but in relation to that I had a mini realization sorta. if i am a kanade fictionkin then i AM just Kanade. there would be no seperation between me and Kanade Yoisaki. if i AM fictionkind then I wouldn't be a "kanade kinnie" id BE kanade. just like how Vriska's whole video is about how fickind tend to suppress their identity to be more palatable. its just so hard to figure out if i AM fickindddd :|

and even then i dont feel like id be exactly like 'canon' me. id be different. id have several traits and such that i always have said I 'headcanon' Kanade with. maybe thats just me bein a bit Sillymode but urghfghg.

im just like i am in the game. i dont go outside regularly because the sun hurts my eyes, bright lights in general suck (though this may just be because my eyes are a lighter color- qwant it its weird), im very serious about music and i do believe it CAN save people, im not very good at personal hygiene and yet inexplicably im considered ~generally~ attractive by, at the very least, my parents. I've mentioned all that before, though. Plus preferring online school.

another thing i want to say bc i feel like it. everytime i see anyone else who's also a character i Am (ex, someone else who's Kanade) i dont ever get bothered. bc my brain rationalizes it through 'multiverse theory.' TL;DR 'doubles' dont bother me because i believe in infinite alternate realities and that if someone else is also kanade then they're just a kanade from an alternate reality. does that make sense?

i still feel a disconnect between the kanade in prosekai and myself- the kanade i am. enough to where i can refer to her in the 3rd person comfortably. im not the same as her. there's differences, I can feel them. ill just refer to Kanade in the game as 'canon!kana'/'canon!me' because that's easiest;

the biggest difference between us is that, well, canon!me is human. she also isn't explicitly trans in any direction, and is also a hard worker. all of that is stuff that doesnt apply. im trans- im queer in every sense of the word. every inch of my identity is a little weird, a little 'out of the norm.' No part of me can be easily described to a lot of people. I do know, thankfully, that people in the real world can be accepting. My Nana supports xenogenders and she's in her early 70s. Granted, I am her main source of information on neurodivergency and queer identity, but I'm able to unbiasedly explain terms and gently guide her in the right direction. I would feel safe in admitting I am not human, and do not like physically being so. I'm lazy- admittedly due to depressive symptoms, but I do not like work. I generally just hate having to do physical activity- even just in-general work. The reason I'm almost-failing all of my classes in highschool is because I hate working for more than a few minutes at a time, especially consecutively.

Of course, I will say I am not a person who really experiences delusions. That isn't to say those who do are lesser or that I'm better- it's just a simple fact. I specify that because this is the 'piss on the poor' website. I can seperate my physical body right now as I physically am from my possible fictionkinnity- at this current moment I am (at the very least biologically) not a shapeshifter like I often call myself. I am human, I am biologically a perisex female, etc. I don't like to see myself like that. I am Uta, yes. But Uta isn't a human. Uta is Kanade Yoisaki. Uta is a shapeshifter. In some way or another, I am nonhuman- or otherwise 'different.' I always have been.

idk. im just kanade. i dont properly know what i mean by it, other than. well. I Am Kanade. and that's really all there is to it.lon