#shanks thinks everything is ok but he is being fooled

[hayhenna]

Get a Room! Pt 1 🩵♥️

_a shanks x buggy fic making everyone in the ship uncomfortable&

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The Red Force had never been quieter—or tenser. The crew was used to the occasional chaos, but this? This was a whole new level of uncomfortable. Ever since Buggy had begrudgingly boarded the ship again, and he and Shanks had "reconciled," the two captains had been utterly inseparable.

“Do they think we’re blind?” Limejuice muttered, scrubbing a plate furiously in the kitchen. Just as he said it, Shanks and Buggy stumbled in, lips locked, oblivious to his presence.

“Oh, *come on!*” Limejuice groaned, tossing the plate into the sink and storming out, leaving the two captains oblivious to the fact they weren’t as sneaky as they thought.

On deck, things weren’t much better. Benn Beckman leaned against the mast, a cigarette between his lips, watching Shanks and Buggy tucked into a shadowy corner. Buggy’s ponytail was askew, Shanks’ cloak was barely on his shoulders, and they were entirely too preoccupied with each other.

“You’d think they’d at least *try* to be discreet,” Benn said to Yassop, who was trying (and failing) to clean his rifle without hearing Buggy’s muffled, “Shanks, stop it—wait, don’t stop. Fufufufu~.”

“Yeah, well, I’m drawing the line,” Yassop said, standing up.

Marching over to the pair, Yassop cleared his throat loudly. “Captains. Do you mind? Some of us would like to eat, sleep, and work without... that.”

Buggy pulled back, his face a mixture of annoyance and embarrassment, though the lipstick smears on his cheeks weren’t helping. “Oh, I’m *so sorry*, Yassy, I didn’t realize your delicate little sensibilities couldn’t handle two *adults* enjoying themselves!”

“Buggy,” Shanks said, his tone soft but warning. He quickly covered Buggy’s mouth with his hand before the clown could dig the hole deeper. “What he means is, we’ll, uh, tone it down. Right, Buggy?”

Buggy’s muffled response sounded suspiciously like, “Like hell we will.”

“I mean it,” Shanks said, though the smirk tugging at his lips betrayed him.

That evening, Benn, Yassop, and a few others cornered Shanks in his quarters.

“Captain,” Yassop started, clearly exasperated, “you know we’re happy for you. Really, we are. But you two are... well, it’s getting out of hand.”

“It’s not just that we can hear everything,” Benn added, “it’s that we can’t escape it. The kitchen, the deck, the supply room. You’ve got to rein it in.”

Shanks chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “C’mon, guys, don’t tell me you’re not happy for me. Buggy and I finally—”

“We are happy,” Yassop interrupted, “but this is too much. Can’t you, I don’t know, hold back a little?”

Shanks’ smile faded, replaced by a rare seriousness. He looked down for a moment, his hand gripping the edge of his desk.

“You don’t get it,” he said quietly. His crew froze; this wasn’t the playful, easygoing captain they were used to. “I’ve waited almost twenty years for him to feel the same way I do. Twenty years of wondering if I ruined everything by letting him go. And now... now I finally have him.” said with a blush in his smile with his hand holding the shirt simulating holding his heart.

The room went silent. Shanks looked up, his voice soft but steady. “If that means you’ve gotta put up with a little inconvenience for a few days, then so be it. I’m not wasting any more time.”

Yassop sighed, his frustration melting into guilt. Benn put a hand on his shoulder, signaling it was time to drop it.

By dinner, things had only gotten worse. The crew sat at the long dining table, trying desperately to ignore the fact that Shanks and Buggy were suspiciously absent. It wasn’t long before the sounds of muffled laughter—and something that sounded suspiciously like a moan—echoed down the hall.

“*For the love of God,*” Limejuice muttered, slamming his fork down.

“Think of it this way,” Benn said dryly, “at least they’re not fighting anymore.”

“Yeah, but at this rate, I’d almost prefer the fighting,” Yassop said, rubbing his temples. “When’s the next port? Because if I have to listen to one more night of this—”

A particularly loud thud from above made everyone freeze in place, forks hovering mid-air and conversations dying instantly. The room grew heavy with an awkward tension as muffled sounds of pleasure drifted from the hall—soft laughter, breathy gasps, and the occasional telltale creak of furniture. The noises only seemed to escalate, showing no signs of stopping, making the crew shift uncomfortably in their seats, exchanging uneasy glances while pretending not to hear.

Trapped in the dining room, they exchanged nervous glances, too polite—or too terrified—to step out and interrupt whatever was unfolding just outside. "Why the hall?" someone whispered in exasperation, only to be shushed by a frantic wave.

“Land can’t come soon enough,” Benn muttered.

As the days went on, the crew stopped bothering to intervene. Yassop tried a few more times, only to be met with Buggy’s sharp tongue and Shanks’ sheepish apologies. But every time they thought about Shanks’ quiet confession, they gritted their teeth and bore the annoyance, telling themselves it was worth it to see their captain this happy.

No body wanted to risk seeing something that would haunt them for nights to come. As the sounds outside escalated, some crew members stared intently at their plates, while others silently prayed it would end soon so they could escape without an image they couldn’t unsee. Even if it meant listening to those two grown men moan into the night.

----

Part 2

[darthwheezely]

Georgie Weasley HCS!

This is again, probably the first of many headcanons parts because the twins own mu ass and that’s perfectly fine with me.

Also please watch the video it makes me cry with happy tears-

Warnings: stupidly adorable men named George Fabian Weasley, diabetic level fluff, diet angst, me cussing oops

Let’s be clear: I love this man more than life itself, just because I’m a Fred girl doesn’t mean I don’t simp unhealthily hard for this man ok now I’m done let’s get into it

God, he’s such a soft boy

Like he was the kid growing up that hated seeing lil bugs being stepped on and would make it a priority to save them

“No, even bugs are living things too!” And would cradle them and set them back in the yard, whispering words of encouragement

He would frequently cry to Molly about how worried he was about if they got back to their families or not

At times like these, she was worried for her beautiful son but held him all the same

It’s the way George Weasley loves reading for me

This boy is a bookworm. Period.

He’s read LOTR more times than he’s liked to admit, and he’s read Romeo and Juliet enough times that when the Baz Luhrman movie came out he quite possibly saw it 5 times in a row

Like a movie screening a day. This kid-

That week he screams “part fools you know not what you do” to an unholy extent and Fred almost shanks him like 12 times

He also develops a crush on Claire Danes but that is besides the point

True story anyway-

He is a fantastic cook

No, like for real

If he knows Molly is busy that morning at home and he knows the Burrow is stocked enough with ingredients he can manipulate-

He’s making everyone breakfast

Like regular omelettes? Uh, Chile anyways have you HAD a George Weasley omelette

He hates following recipes too

Swears it “kills his artistic tendencies” but I really think it’s because he stresses over measurements

But that’s what Fred is for :)

His favorite muggle game is Scrabble

He whips literally everyone’s ass at it and has a copy of the Scrabble dictionary on him

“George, what the fuck, ‘aal’ isn’t a real word-“

“WELL LET’s CONSULT THE DICTIONARY HMM-“

He also just starts to make up random words

No one really argues this

So is it cheating?

Nah he just calls it ingenuity sis

Again, this is pretty canon but he has a lot of pent up anger issues

Externally, he keeps his cool light years better than Fred ever will, but internally, he just bottles it all

This is of course why George is considered to be the better beater of the two-

He waits until Quidditch to release all of his anger and stress and pain

Our angel feels resentful of Fred sometimes

He loves him more than anyone on thsi earth, 100%, but Fred doesn’t really understand how much people compare them both and how many people don’t see George as his own person

This leads to being a hyper vigilant Georgie, going above and beyond to craft the best plans

The best jokes

Just wanting to be the best at something

And Fred is there to hype him up constantly along the way, but never really will understand how hard it is for George to cope with his inferiority complex

George gets a bit clingy to his loved ones, afraid they’ll pull away when they realize he’s not Fred

He just needs a bit of reassurance and extra loving :) he deserves every bit of it

George Fabian is a crier

He always has been ever since he was little which led to a very confused Freddie (he’s not a big externally emotional human, in terms of expression like crying)

George is a big empath

He feels virtually everything that his loved ones feel which fills him with a lot of duty to protect

At all costs

George is basically young Arthur, I’m not gonna lie

He’d never say it but George just wants a daughter. Or 10.

To spoil and love and hold

He wants a child of his own to see run around and be crazy with

But also to read to every night and make them feel protected and respected and loved

He wants to be what his dad was and is to him you know?

Also um...babes is kinky

If asked if he’s a, t, or thighs?

Thighs. Every time.

This man is addicted to hips like if you’re dancing at a party and moving your hips?

Good lord he’s such a goner

He’s also packing but yknow

He’s super romantic

Probably the most romantic of any of the Weasley siblings

He’s sucker for old school romanticism and is the most chivalrous little angel

He also probably has a stash of pick up lines and romantic sentences in French or Spanish in his back pocket

Please god I love this man

He has DEFINITELY called you the following:

Darling, my love, my soul, my glorious one, it GOES ON THE MORE ILLUSTRIOUS THE BETTER

Please save me from myself writing this I’m a fred girl but god help me I would die for George Fabian Weasley

His favorite scent is of mornings

Like when you wake up early and you smell dew and grass and sunlight

That’s his favorite scent in the entire world

His favorite dessert is Canary Creams - honestly, he don’t even care about the “side effects” they just taste too damn good

You think I’m joking, Fred legitimately had to take them away from him during testing

“Georgie, stop oh my god we only have so many-“

“P L E A S E I’ll make more later they’re so yummy”

“STOP IT IM SERIOUS”

Basically our angel

And we love him. Period.

[kurenai-shinigami]

Late night thoughts

Shanks x GN reader

Prompt: “It’s ok, I couldn’t sleep anyway”

Word count: 783

Warnings: depression episode, breakdown and overthinking

Notes: My entry for @some-piece‘s 2500 followers challenge; Congrats on your milestone Bas you totally deserve it! :3 Also this is my first time publishing a work of mine and my first time writing for One Piece too(so obv comfort character) I really hope you’ll like it ^^ 

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Tonight you were supposed to go to bed alone since it was the captain’s turn on the rudder for the first half of the night, so after dinner and some chatting with Lucky Roux you head to the cabin you shared with your beloved.

As soon as you enter and closed the door behind you a strong feeling of loneliness and sadness rushed into you. It was totally at random and without a particular reason. You tried not to give in to it and went straight to the bed thinking that maybe some sleep would have washed this feeling away.

After some time you realized that your efforts were totally useless, the feeling didn’t want to leave you and you just couldn’t fall asleep. The overthinking was getting bigger and bigger and you found yourself doubting your own skills as a pirate and the intention behind everything you done and were doing. You felt not enough for anything that you had at the moment, being in one of the four emperors crew, having such a precious and lovely partner, being surrounded by so many good friends that cared about you… how did you deserve all of this? You felt like a loser but at the same time like a fool for doubting those things. You felt the tears begin to run down your face as you curled up in a fetal position, feeling so little and weak. The feelings were eating you up and you just couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard you tried.

When you finally find a little bit of strength you try to lift up your torso to sit down, your back on the headboard of the bed. You try to calm down at least a little taking some deep breaths and forcing yourself to be strong. You really heated to feel so weak, everybody would be so disappointed and surprised seeing you like this, someone with a bounty like yours and part of such a feared and valued crew. You just couldn’t allow yourself to be that weak.

When the door of the cabin slowly opened you realized how late it was and how much time this damn breakdown took you. The captain of the Red Force entered the room, now illuminated by the candle he was holding.

“Sorry dear, did I wake you up?” he asked immediately seeing you awake sitting on the bed.

“It’s ok, I couldn’t sleep anyway” you replied with a little smile, trying to not let your current feelings show too much.

He closed the door behind him and walked near you, placing the candle on your bedside table. You didn’t imagine it was so late, and had some difficulty at masking your feelings that were still fresh in your head. You tried to not make eye contact with him, afraid he would have probably see them shiny because of the tears that had not long ago stopped. When he leaned to leave a kiss on your forehead he immediately recognized that something was wrong with you.

He immediately hugged you, letting your face rest on his chest. You could feel his heartbeat and his warm body against yours. You were not alone, you finally were not alone. You hugged him back tight.

“It’s ok Y/N, I’m here.” He whispered before kissing your forehead again and resting his head on yours, eyes closed to connect with you more.

You left out a little sigh when after a while he loosened the hug, and looked at you in the eyes, still with his right hand on your shoulder.

“How about we snuggle together?”

You smiled and nod, letting him walk to the other part of the bed and take off his cloak most of his clothes. After some seconds he was leaning beside you, inviting in his arms with his usual heartwarming smile. After you blow out the candle you slipped back into the blankets and got close to him. His right arm close around you. His body was warm and you felt so safe into his arms, you couldn’t help but wonder again if you really deserved such a man by your side. As if he read your mind his right arm started stroking your back and you snuggled even closer, your head resting again on his bare chest.

“Next time please let me know you’re not feeling good ok? So I can make sure to leave these kind of duties to Benn and be by your side… he won’t complain too much” he added with a light laugh in his voice. You smiled, lifting your head to watch the red haired in the eyes.

“I love you Y/N, please don’t forget it”

[suckerforsmylex]

Ripe Peach - Pt. 6

Peaches ducked down low to try to avoid being hit by bullets. Her thoughts were racing. Was she the “broad” the voice was referring to? He had to be referring to her. Everyone else was passed out from the effects of Mister J’s gas. Peaches watched as two oddly dressed men and one woman walked into the room. They all wore Grecian attire, befitted with togas and golden laurel leaves in their hair and gladiator sandals adorned their feet. 

One of the men leaned down to grope a woman who was unconscious. He seemed attracted to her mask, which was golden and ornate and created in the Grecian style. His toga was lined in gold and he wore a red sash and dark black kohl lined his eyes. If Zeus were a very amped up drug kingpin, you’d have this guy. In one tan hand he held a large, golden thunderbolt while the other held an assault rifle.

Are they supposed to be Olympians? What kind of Olympians talk like that anyway?

Mister J leaped down from the platform leaving Peaches atop it, naked and exposed. He landed on his feet, yanked up his pants and zipped up his fly, before flailing his arms out and throwing his head back with an eyeroll.

“Maxie! Ugh, what a waste of insanity.”

He hissed and pulled out his gun aiming it directly at Mr. Thunderbolt’s temple.

The room was silent, save for the sound of two automatic rifles being cocked. One was aimed for Peaches and one directly at Mister J. There was a moment of tension before the man with the golden toga turned to his entourage.

“Persephone! Hades! Lower your weapons. There is no need to make a mess, despite Joker’s mercurial disposition. Joker, you are a daring mortal to greet me with such disrespect. I do not blame you fully. There is a flaw that exists in your mind that causes you to forget that I am a God. I bet that broad knows I’m a God. You know it, don’t cha’ baby? You’re looking at a God right now. It’s ok to be turned on.”

The man winked at Peaches and started to circle Mister J slowly. It was clear that the guy was off his rocker. He was alternating between sounding like a typical Gotham mobster and like a mythological Grecian.

‘Great, more nuts to deal with,’ Peaches thought. ‘But nobody does nuts like The Joker.’

“How can you forget that I am Maximilian Zeus, a God among mortals.”

Mister J snarled and curled his lip, his chest heaving as he seethed. It seemed like he would foam at the mouth at any moment, until suddenly, he started to cackle. This was his murder laugh. It was chilling to the core.

“Oooooh, yes.  Let’s bow down to the God, if by God, you mean a delusional, ex-history professor who went loopy after his wife left him.”

The Joker sang the last part, plunging in deep with his taunt.

“How is old Hera anyway, Maxie? Last I saw her, she was giving out free jerks down at my club. You wanna’ come see her down at the Ace of Spades? She’s got her own spot in the alley out back. We treat her real nice though, Maxie and we let her use the sink to wash up between tricks. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HOOOOOOOO! HOOOOO! HOOOOO!”

Mister J was doubled over, holding his stomach and nearly busting a gut at his own jokes. Maxie grabbed for The Joker from behind and pushed his golden thunderbolt to his throat. Peaches could just make out at that angle, that the bolt had a serrated edge. He was going to slit his throat and J was still laughing hysterically. She grabbed the scraps of her torn off clothing to try to make a covering for herself, but the scraps wouldn’t fashion into anything resembling a modicum of respect so Peaches simply climbed over the side of the platform, stark naked. She wasn’t going to let Mr. J die by the hand of a Zeus wannabe.

Peaches tried to be quiet, but her body dragged along the side of the platform. It hurt, and the rough material squeaked against her body as she lowered herself. To make matters worse, Peaches lost her grip and fell a short way down to the floor, landing with a thud. It was far from stealthy or graceful but she got up quickly and peaked out from the platform and determined that they knew she had fallen, but couldn’t see where she was exactly.

“Take your hands off him, you creep!”

Peaches screamed it out in desperation, while still hiding herself from view. They couldn’t spot her behind the platform, making her feel safe, but she also couldn’t see Mister J or the mad Grecian. She decided to suck it up and walk out into the middle of the room. Holding up nothing but her fists, Peaches emerged and stood there stark naked and quickly found two guns aimed at her skull. The room froze and everyone was staring at her, including Maxie who was still locked on J’s throat. Maxie drank Peaches in from head to toe and then stuck out his tongue at her lewdly. He was disgusting. The Joker glared at Maxie and grinned.

“Concentrate Maxie, you’ve got your eyes on my Goddess. She’s something, isn’t she? I think we just found your Achilles heel!”

The Joker plunged a small pocket knife into Maxie’s stomach, making him stumble back, gripping the bleeding wound and yelling loudly.

“Restrain them, you fools! He fucking stabbed me!!!”

Persephone and Hades grabbed Peaches and The Joker and chained them both up, back to back. It was clear that Maxie wanted something from The Joker badly, otherwise he would have wasted them both after getting shanked. The chains were heavy and tight and tears formed in Peaches eyes.

The female goon, Persephone leaned down and smacked Peaches hard across the face and then laughed and spit at her, the frothy liquid landing on her cheek and dripping down sloppily.

“You make me sick, you fucking pudgy bitch. He calls you a Goddess?”

She walked around to face Mister J and Peaches could no longer see her long, lanky body and tussled blonde hair.

“You must be used to all of these mortals honey. We are the New Olympians! My body is sleek and my mind is all knowing.”

She reached out to caress The Joker’s face and Peaches could feel as he pulled away from her, repulsed.

“You’re going to regret laying a hand on my doll, you filthy beast,” he uttered. “Why would I want any of…that, when I can have this beautiful, juicy peach?”

J caressed his fingers across Peaches palm. It was a secret way to comfort her and she smiled amidst the terror of being held hostage by the group of freaks, dressed like ancient Greeks.

“Knock that smile off your face, bitch.”

Hades cocked his fist and punched you hard and Peaches saw stars, falling back against Mister J and everything going dark.

When Peached opened her eyes, Maxie was standing over The Joker. She couldn’t see him, but she could hear him.

“Hold his feet down, Hades. We want this clown to feel every bit of my wrath.”

J cackled and Peaches could feel his muscles tense against her. Maxie was tearing into him with something, most likely the thunder bolt’s jagged edge. J wasn’t capable of surrendering to the pain. Part of his lunacy, was his love of pain, whether it be inflicting it or experiencing it and he continued to cackle hauntingly.

Persephone noticed that Peaches was awake and sauntered over.

“Gooooood Morning, pork chop, glad to see you’re awake.”

She grabbed at Peach’s nipple and pinched it hard, making her cry out.

“Fuck you, you stupid bitch!”, she yelled back at Persephone, wincing in pain.

“Oh you’re going to regret that, you stupid cow,” Persephone quipped as she brought another chain out and wrapped it against Peaches’ exposed throat. “I’m gonna’ cut you into bacon strips and feed you to your clown, after I choke you to death you whore!”

The tightness around Peaches’ throat made everything hazy and it became hard to hear. Everything slowed down and she could only focus on the sound of Persephone’s high-pitched laughing. The Joker was frenzied and shouting, rocking his body hard against Peaches in an attempt to break free. His efforts were fruitless and Peaches began to slip into unconsciousness. Then, three quick shots rang out.

POP! POP! POP!

Persephone fell to the ground limp, dropping the chain she was choking Peaches with and all of the blood rushed back into Peaches’ head, her choking and sputtering the only lasting effect of being choked.

“Hiya, punkin’! Let’s bust you outta’ these chains!”

Your savior was bent over in front of you, grinning like a manic princess. All you could see were her long legs, pigtails and smiling red lips. She unchained you from Mister J and pulled you onto a blanket.

“You breathing ok now, sugar? That bitch had that chain tight across your neck. Awww, you’re so cute! I can see why J likes ya’ so much.”

“Haaaaarrrrrlllleeeeeyyyyy!!!!!! Unchain me! What the hell are you waiting for? I’m bleeding over here.”

The Joker was agitated and trying to scoot his body across the room to face both women. It was only then that Peaches realized, that this was the infamous Harley Quinn, the Clown Princess of Gotham. She was instantly jealous, but it was hard to be upset when she realized that Harley wasn’t paying any attention to Mister J at all. In fact, she was more interested in Peaches, and while still in a dazed state, it made her laugh.

“Hey! Hold your horses Mistah’ J, I’m playing with my new friend ova’ here and I made her laugh!”

Harley squealed and danced over seductively as Peaches grasped at her sore neck, trying to soothe it and Harley leaned down and caressed her cheek.

“You hanging around with this clown? Trust me, I understand, this guy drove me nuts for years.”

“HARLEY…take off my restraints and I promise I won’t RIP YOUR FACE OFF!!!”

The Joker was momentarily harmless in his chains, but Peaches didn’t doubt that Harley was still afraid. His voice was enough to make Peaches tremble, without even seeing his face.

“Alright, ya’ green-haired, loud mouth I’m coming!”

Harley walked over and unchained him and he rubbed at his wrists, leaping up and walking toward Peaches fast. He leaned down onto the blanket with her and grabbed her face into his hands with a grin she didn’t know how to interpret.  She responded by planting a kiss on his lips.  Harley plopped down and leaned her head in Peaches lap and closed her eyes.

“He’s a menace, but he sure can sweet talk a gal, even with just a look.”

J growled, annoyed at Harley’s comment. “Shut it, Harl.” Harley made a salute with her hand and Peaches gasped as The Joker pressed his body up against hers, staining her with the blood from his cuts.

[wheremytwinwatches]

[Where My Twin Watches]: Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood Episode 29

Quick moment to check out last episode for a post-credits scene, seems Gluttony’s just a bit worn out from the fight. Uncle- [Uncle]: “There’s no need to worry. You’re not my son.” Proceeds to rip out Gluttony’s Stone

Leto! Ok, so Gluttony’s out of the picture. Uncle says he’ll bring him back later with all his memories (including getting Kali Ma’d?). Last time: We had a semi-family reunion, the Protagonists faced the Dragon just a little too early in the story, and Ling got a personality change. Onwards!

Envy’s gone back to his humanoid form, and is walking the Elrics to an elevator. So after everything that’s happened, Uncle is just letting them go? I mean sure, they can’t really do anything against him right now, but talk about a blow to your pride. “I am so far above you that even after you invade my inner sanctum, I’ll have a minion walk you to the door.” Oh yeah, Uncle DNGAF about any “threat” from the Elrics; they got shown to an elevator that goes directly to Central Command, and the first thing that Envy says is that they look filthy and takes them to the showers. The brothers take the time to update each other, including the good news that Al’s body is (more or less) ok. Now they’re even closer to getting it back! Aha! Called it, Shao May is hanging out on Al’s shoulder, which means that May Chang is there too! Close your eyes little ones, Al’s not decent! Wait, just May? Then how did Scar get away? Pffft! Ok, no sympathy for Envy. That’s what happens when you barge into the bathroom, dude. Episode 29 - “Struggle of the Fool” Freshened up, Envy shows the Elrics to their new babysitter Wrath. You may know him better as King Bradley, your Fuhrer? The Goth’s having tea with a very annoyed Colonel Mustang, who breaks the news that the rest of the Conspiracy have been shuffled all across Amestris. No “practically” about it, Wrath is holding them hostage. So we’ve got the two Protagonists and their strongest ally in a room with only one Goth who’s not even fully armed. But if any Goth can be confident they can handle those odds, it’s Wrath. Oh crap, be quiet May! Play it cool, Elrics! While the Soul Armor fakes a cough Ed confronts Wrath, demands answers. Wrath just calmly tells him to sit down and shut up, stop digging any deeper. He’s “important”, after all. Ed’s not having any of it, throws aside his watch and resigns as a State Alchemist. Swears he’ll warn the others- [Wrath]: “What was that lovely young girl’s name again? Ah yes. It’s Winry Rockbell.”

Now really Ed, how did you think that Wrath was going to respond? He already did the subtle “look at me having tea with your friend” method, since that didn’t seem to work he’s putting it plainly: shut up or Winry pays the price. What else can Ed do, but take the watch back? Oh well, at least Wrath oh so graciously agrees to let them keep searching for a way to restore their bodies, and tolerates Roy’s ambition to climb the ranks. Not like it matters to him, anyway. They’re free to g SWEET LETO WHAT THE FUCK NO NO NO NO what Wrath just shanked Al went right through his armor but no blood how no blood tried to kill little girl how he miss did May dodge or what how Whew! Ok, while the Elrics have a little freakout we see that the Mays were hiding in Al’s legs. Way too close! The brothers just bummed some spare change from Roy (phone call?) and ran off, he’s off to find Riza. Hey, The Mighty Armstrong! And Riza’s still around, good. She’ll be tied up working for Wrath now, but at least they’re all still around. Winry! She gets a call from Ed and immediately assumes that he’s broken his automail again. To be fair, that does seem to be the precedent. He’s calling- ...well, he’s calling from that DAMNED PHONEBOOTH WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOW THAT LETO-FORSAKEN PLACE AGAIN AAAAARGH anyways Ed’s calling Winry to make sure she’s safe, no creeps hanging around the shop. Dawww, she’s speaking softly and twirling the cord and it’s sweet and cute and she has no freaking idea what’s going on aaargh. AAARGH it’s Greed! Dude’s just leaning against the Booth, chides them for their desperate worry that makes them so easy to manipulate. Shock and terror! But he’s not here to fight, just pass on a piece of cloth. “Your pal” asked him to pass it on? Hmmm, now why would Greed agree to pass on a memento for his host? He doesn’t get anything out of it, after all. He just claims that he has more class than using this as a trap and that he doesn’t fight women. And he never tells a lie? Man, Greed is really playing up the Noble Demon personality here, following his own code. And he’s off, with his new catchphrase of “It’s still Ling!” Very dramatic mid-episode pictures of Colonel Mustang and Doc Marcoh. So is he showing up this episode? Hey, Scar! So while May hid in Al’s armor I guess Scar just booked it out of there under the cover of steam. He’s still in the sewers killing monsters, when he runs into a familiar voice. Hey Doc! Gonna patch up the Ishvalan? Yes yes, he’s the serial killer Scar, but right now he’s your best chance at- [Marcoh]: *Mad laughter* “My God! This must be fate! I’m the Alchemist responsible for the extermination of your people!” Um. A) Probably not the best thing to say to your potential rescuer, and B) I remember there being quite a few more Alchemists involved in the Civil War. Back on the surface it seems the other Doctor (sorry I can never remember your name dude) is diagnosing May with a mild concussion, she just needs a bit of bed rest. Speaking off, dude is ticked that our heroes are treating his place as a hospital. Seriously, where’s he supposed to sleep?!

Speaking of injured, Lan Fan should probably not be out of bed right now, but she’s worried about Ling. Yeah, about that… Al passes on the message. He’s written that he found a Philosopher’s Stone? Well, he’s not lying. Greed’s up on top of Central, looking out over the city when Wrath comes up to have a word. Greed crows about having a royal body, how Ling just let him take over his body. Wrath derides the boy for his political ideals, all “caring for the people” as if they mattered- [LING]: ”Shut the hell up! Don’t underestimate humans!” HA! Called it again! And oh my Leto that wide-eyed look of delicious surprise on Wrath’s face! Oooooh, this is so satisfying. Ling’s still there, surviving in his body and capable of taking even the slightest bit of control. And this is being revealed to Wrath, the guy who was made a Goth like Ling was and doesn’t even know if his surviving soul is the original. The strength of will to exist alongside a Goth? That’s something that he may very well have not have. In your face! Roy, Riza and The Mighty Armstrong are crammed into a car as Roy breaks the news about the Fuhrer. The Mighty Armstrong is shaking with fury at the reveal, how he’s only wanted to protect his fellow people but now knows that he serves a monster. Roy remarks that he could resign, that he would suffer knowingly serving with his disposition. The Mighty Armstrong- Ah. It’s a flashback to Ishval, Mustacheless-Armstrong cradling the corpse of an Ishvalan child in his arms and crying out about how wrong the war is. His CO just dismisses him for disobeying an order and moves on. Armstrong is left kneeling in the dust with the body, we get the intro image of him crying at the wrongness of the war. In the present Armstrong grits out how he’s been haunted by his decision ever since, how he hates himself for giving up his beliefs to follow orders back then. Now? The Mighty Armstrong faces the choice once again, and refuses to run away again. Roy? Well, he calmly remarks about how he straight up told the Fuhrer that he wasn’t going to give up his ambitions, and that Wrath was apparently eager to reveal his true nature. To clue Roy into knowing even he has a commander? Wrath really is treating this as a test for Roy, isn’t he? Roy’s just happy to have another fight like with Lust, to live fighting monsters. Back to Lan Fan, who’s been updated about Ling. And of course she just blames herself for failing to be the perfect bodyguard. Welp, time for a new arm! You know an engineer, right? Al knows That Look all too well from the past, agrees to introduce Lan Fan when she’s got her strength back. Time to get some food oh hi May! Shouldn’t you be resting? Wait why did Lan Fan react in shock to that name? Gah, kunai! May, why are you trying to kill Lan Fan? Unless… Ha! For the third time this episode, called it! May Chang is actually the Chang heiress, 17th daughter of the Emperor, Princess May Chang. Oh yeah, they are totally going to throw down. May wants to stop her competition for the secret of immortality, Lan Fan wants to protect her Lord, and even Al can’t calm them down from their duel. This is gonna [PISSED OFF DOCTOR]: ”WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TWO THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” *Slams bowls onto their heads* [POD]: “You’re supposed to be resting in bed!” [May]: “Quit trying to interfere with the affairs of our-” [POD]: “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE AFFAIRS OF YOUR COUNTRY, DUMBASS!!!”

So after the Doc shuts down ‪the clash‬ of the clans, he gets Al to help him clean up around the place. And geez, I may not have the tidiest room but that has got to be a health hazard. Al comes across a picture of the Doc’s family, and given this show’s focus on that subject obviously doesn’t like hearing that Doc doesn’t talk to his wife and son. He’s seen the other side of that. Back outside, it seems Ed’s back to patching up damage around town with his restored Alchemy. Some MPs remark that they had some other Alchemists were called in earlier that day, but their Alchemy just so happened to not work. Looks like Uncle’s Anti-Transmutation Field reached a bit further than just that room. Ed’s walking along later, thinking about that poor soul he had to sacrifice to get them out of the Stomach. But along with that, even when they were depowered by Uncle Scar and May were still able to fight. A weakness in Alchemy that’s not in Alkahestry, that if he can learn may help him get Al’s body back, and “take down that bearded bastard.” But first, he needs to give Roy his gun back. Credits! Post credits: Oh hello, the song’s been cutting off at Winry greeting the sunrise, but now it continued to Central at night and faded as it went down to Uncle’s Mancave. Uncle’s sitting in his as Doc Marcoh explains how the Goths made him make a Stone using the lives of the Ishvalans OK THAT’S GROSS did not need to see a little baby Gluttony crawling out of Uncle’s robe. Meanwhile Marcoh’s telling Scar he’s being used in another plan that may cause genocide, begs for the murderer to kill him. Guh. I mean, Scar’s whole deal is that he’s been an avenging killer striking down those who murdered his people, but after seeing Winry and learning that the instigator was Envy he has a chance to stop, to change. To go from that to Marcoh kneeling and begging for death, saying that his appearance is like a god? Scar is not happy.

[samuelrodgersfutureworks-blog]

Story of Khutulun

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/index.cgi?id=822456431891

In the swirling, blood-soaked melee of a 13th-century battle against the Mongol Empire, it wasn’t all that weird to gaze into the ranks of the most overpoweringly-dominant land army ever fielded in human history and notice that, hey, check it out, a couple of the warriors currently massacring all my friends actually happen to be women.   At a time when most of the world’s female population would have just been happy to have the legal right to tell their husbands to stop hitting them, Mongol women were some of the most socially, politically, and militarily badass chicks anywhere on Earth.  They ran cities while the men fought on campaigns, built public works, helped manage the largest land empire of all time, had seats in the Kurulurai (basically Mongol Congress), and even occasionally fought in battle, a detail that was particularly scandalous and unacceptable to writers from Europe, the Middle East, China, and basically any other country that got the fucking piss stomped out of them by the Mongol Horde.

But while it wasn’t particularly bizarre to notice that one or two of the enemy archers may have had a pair of boobs, it was significantly more unsettling to encounter the warrior princess Khutulun on the field of combat.  Because while most warrior women of the Mongol Empire may have been expert snipers, firing their composite bows with deadly precision while riding a horse at a full gallop, Khutulun preferred a significantly more direct approach:  She would charge out at the head of her warriors, ride straight up to the biggest enemy officer she could find, grab that asshole off his horse with a one-armed choke slam, slap him in a fucking half nelson, and drag him back to the Khan while he screamed and pleaded for his men to save him.  Once that fucker was ripped from the battlefield and firmly in the Khan’s custody, Khutulun would go back to her primary combat duty – commanding a regiment of Mongol heavy cavalry.

This is the tale of Genghis Khan’s great-great-granddaughter.

Khutulun never met Genghis, and by the time she was born most of the great Mongol Conquests had already stomped nuts all the way from Beijing to Baghdad, cleaving a bloody smear across the map that ended up becoming the largest contiguous land empire in the history of humanity.  Her father was a Khan named Khaidu, and he ruled a fief of land near the Tian Shan Mountains, which is in the realm of present-day Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan (or however the hell you spell that), and northern China.  Khaidu was from the line of Great Khan Ogodei, who was Genghis’ third son, and Khaidu was basically the last of the old-school badass, “let’s ride our horses over this guy’s ballsack in front of his entire family and then throw all of his compost garbage into a recycling bin” Mongol barbarian motherfuckers who shanked faces first and didn’t want to be asked questions by anyone besides a fast food cashier or his favorite bartender.  As a good Mongol Prince, he constantly asked himself one of the most important questions any man can ever ask himself:  What Would Genghis Do?

The #WWGD lifestyle netted Khaidu tons of land, plunder, death, destruction and mayhem, and it also led to him having fucking 15 children – all of them boys, except for his youngest.  He named his lone daughter Khutulun, meaning either “Bright Moon” or “All White” depending on how you want to translate it, and then proceeded to give her the exact same badass Mongol warrior training he gave to her fourteen older brothers – how to ride a horse, shoot a bow, kill someone with a sword, wrestle, punch, tie knots, milk a yak, build fires, drink blood, sleep in a yurt, and mean-mug motherfuckers who are stupid enough to step to you.

The Princess of the Bright Moon was pretty over-the-top badass at everything she attempted, but out of all the bone-crushing military pursuits she excelled at, she was the most successful when it came to straight-up wrestling.  Having fourteen older brothers is probably a gigantic pain in the genitals, and you can be damn sure that Khutulun learned how to fight pretty early on, but this woman was so hardcore that no man or woman on earth could beat her in a straight up bare-knuckled throwdown.  It didn’t matter how tough you thought you were – this princess was going to hip-toss your dumb ass through a plate glass window onto a campfire and then everyone was going to laugh at you for getting your balls kicked off by a girl.

Now, I should mention that wrestling is the national sport of Mongolia – they fucking love that shit there.  Of the Olympic medals won by Mongolia, over half of them are won in wrestling events.  These are big, tough people who love to fight, and and Mongolian wrestling is intense:

This is literally just two grown men kicking the crap out of each other.  There are no rules in Mongolian wrestling – anything goes.  Bare knuckles, little padding, and there are no weight classes or any of that lame handicapping bullshit.  It’s just two big angry motherfuckers wailing on each other until someone falls down.  Once a guy hits the ground, he’s out.    Thing Greco-Roman wrestling meets Rocky IV.

From a very early age, Khutulun made a name for herself as being completely unbeatable at an ultra-violent sport that involves white-knuckle fucking hand-to-hand combat with a big angry man twice your size.  She was basically Ronda Rousey meets Ann “The Wall” Veal, and every man who stepped into the ring with her found himself getting flipped for real and eating a face-full of dirt.  Mongols loved placing bets on these fights, and the Princess was making a killing by powerbombing fools who underestimated her badass cred.

Once Khutulun reached a certain age, it became time for her to get married off to a nice boy with a killer smile, tons of cash, and an excellent track record of slaughtering the Khan’s enemies on the battlefield.  Khutulun’s dad and mom were pretty desperate for her to get married, because marriage in the middle ages was a good way to link your family in to another powerful family, but Khutulun was a warrior and would only stand to be with a man who was worthy of her badassitude.  In a very Atalanta conversation, she told her folks, “Ok, sure, I’ll get married, but only to a man who can beat me in a wrestling match”.

The Princess was rich, powerful, cool as hell, and apparently very beautiful, and it didn’t take Dad too long to find a bunch of guys willing to throw down for love.  One by one, they found themselves hurtling through the air as she snapped bones and swept legs and basically demolished any wimp idiot who thought he was man enough for her.  After all the good suitors were done, Khutulun issued a general challenge – she’d accept a challenge from any man, but if you lost you had to give her ten horses (a couple conflicting sources say the entry fee was a hundred horses, but think about how many damn horses that is!).  Everyone from foreign Princes to local blacksmiths saw an opportunity to marry into the family of Genghis Fuckin’ Khan, and they came from all around to face her.

When Marco Polo met Khutulun in 1280, she claimed to have a pasture with ten thousand horses.  She was still single.

Pioneering travel book writers Rashid al-Dun, Ibn Bhattuta, and Marco Polo all met Khutulun, and when Marco Polo was there he talks about one foreign prince who arrived at the court of Khan Khaidu looking for the hand of the princess.  This guy was tall, handsome, and successful, and he bet the insane sum of one thousand horses on the match.  Khutulun accepted.  That night, the Prince found the Princess alone, and pleaded with her to throw the fight – please, let me win this one, and I will be so good to you forever.

She looked at him and, according to Polo, said she “would never let herself be vanquished if she could help it,” but that “if, indeed, he could get the better of her then she would gladly be his wife.”  Then she walked away.

They had the match the next day in the Grand Hall of the Khan’s palace.  People from throughout the city and the surrounding villages came to watch.

“The damsel threw him right valiantly on the palace pavement.  And when he found himself thus thrown, and her standing over him, great indeed was his shame and discomfiture.”

Around this time, a Mongol Civil War broke out between Khan Khaidu and his cousin Kublai Khan, who was the ruler of Yuan Dynasty China.  Despite being massively outnumbered and outgunned, Khaidu resented his cousin for going soft, giving up the old Mongol traditions like arm-cleaving and head-popping so that he could become some Buddhist hippie that was into lame things like sleeping on gold-embroidered silks surrounded by sexy naked ladies while consuming delicious food and expensive wine.   The two argued, bickered, then went to war, and Khutulun was brought along to help command the Mongol Heavy Cavalry on the battlefield.  Again, according to Marco Polo, “Not a knight in all his train played such feats of arms as she did.  Sometimes she would quit her father’s side and make a dash at the army of the enemy, and seize some man thereout, as deftly as a hawk pounces on a bird, and carry him to her father.”

Makes sense to me.  If she could hip-check a guy to the turf on level ground, imagine what she could do if she got the drop of you in a live-fire combat situation.

Despite torching some border towns, defeating main line Chinese infantry in battle, and face-shanking Mongol warriors on the field of war, the fighting between the cousins proved indecisive, and really the only thing that came out of it was that the Mongol Empire started to shatter into smaller kingdoms that didn’t wield nearly the same power as Genghis once had.

Khutulun did eventually get married, although not to a guy that beat her in battle.  Instead, she chose her husband – a “lively, tall, good-looking man” named Abtakul who was from a few towns over.  Abtakul was an elite soldier who had been hired by Kublai Khan to kill Khutulun’s dad, but the Khan’s guards caught this guy, threw him in jail, and sentenced him to death by beheading.  Well Abtakul’s mom was so upset her son was going to die that she threw herself at the Khan’s feet and begged that she be killed in her son’s place.  The Khan said “Ok, fine, whatever, as long as someone is decapitated that’s fine with me”, but then Abtakul stepped forward and said “fuck that, no way am I letting my mom die on my behalf.  I will face this like a man”.  The Khan was so impressed with this family that he immediately released Abtakul from jail and hired him to be an officer in the Khan’s army.  Abtakul fought in the war, was wounded in combat, and while he was recuperating in the hospital he met the Princess, who fell in love with him immediately or some shit.  Anyway, that’s the story, and it’s a big deal because medieval women typically weren’t lucky enough to choose who they got to marry.

Khutulun’s father died in 1301, and right before he died he appointed Khutulun to succeed him as the new Khan (technically the female version of a khan is called a Katun).  She declined, because she had fourteen older brothers who were all pretty fucking upset that they’d been passed over for the chiefdom, and instead she made a deal with one of her brothers – I’ll back you in your claim to be Khan, if you’ll let me command your army on the battlefield.

Much like her dad, she didn’t have time for palace life – she wanted combat, like a true badass.

Khutulun did end up taking over as General once her brother became Khan, but she wasn’t commander for very long.  After just five years as the Clan’s military commander, she died, passing away violently at the age of 45.  The sources are unclear whether she fell in battle or was assassinated, but I’d argue both methods are equally badass.