#shalnark is still a bad option though

[depravitycentral]

is the…cum jar…the reason why nobunaga is worse than shalnark…………

Tw: non-consensual recording, restriction of rights, smells (? natural body odor I guess?), implied non-con, if Shalnark could live with the smell of your pussy in his nose at all times then that smile of his would be genuine

The cum jar is the reason Nobunaga is worse than any of them.

(Including Feitan, so to the anon that asked why Nobunaga's darling is pitied more than Feitan's, that's the answer in simple, short terms.)

(But of course, aside from the jar, the excessive touching, referring to himself as Daddy, and the lack of consistent hygiene/showering certainly don't earn him any points, either.)

That's not to say that Shalnark doesn't have any issues or weird idiosyncrasies of his own, though. He's a little more subtle than Nobunaga, but not by too big of a margin.

Shalnark's penchant for recording you is really quite invasive. If the cameras he secretly placed in your apartment while he was still stalking you aren't enough proof of this, consider the fact that he's still recording you once he's kidnapped you, only he's less secretive about it now.

Now, instead of having small, discrete cameras placed into things like a stuffed animal, a book cover, or an unused outlet, they're just out in the open. The small, black cameras are clearly visible against the off-white walls of the apartment he keeps you in, standing out like a beacon. Plus, when the lights are off, the red flashing light on each is still on - taunting you from the corner of your vision, declaring that even while you're sleeping and he's not in the room, he's seeing everything.

They're everywhere, too - you've counted at least four in your bedroom space, one for each corner of the room. There's two in the bathroom; one covers the room at large, so he can see you brushing your teeth or drying yourself off or even using the toilet, and the other's angled to catch your every movement in the shower. (He's got an additional two waterproof ones in the shower that you don't know about yet - one sits in the center of the shower head (installed for the sole purpose of seeing and capturing everything should you decide to use the shower head for some stress relieving, personal activities), and one sits on the top of the plastic drain cover, so that he can get a nice view from below (when you drop your loofah or soap up your legs, the camera gets a nice, full view of your ass and cunt, a sight that Shalnark will always pause on and screenshot, the image being saved to the some dozens of photo folders he has dedicated to your nude body).

And he'll make you watch the footage with him, too - with a smile on his face and his fingers nearly trembling from his excitement and joy at seeing your horrified expression. He likes to narrate everything, too, prefacing with what you're about to do to show that he's already watched the footage multiple times - enough to be able to recite every action and move you make. He likes the way it makes you squirm, and he also just enjoys watching you, too.

Outside of that voyeuristic habit, Shalnark is certainly no saint when it comes to more risqué reasons why he might be placed lower on the desirability chart of Phantom Troupe yanderes. That is, he has this weird habit of limiting how often you can shower and bathe. At first, he uses this as a tactic to punish you or deter you from certain behaviors he deems undesirable. (Like avoiding his touch or ignoring him.) He figures that by letting you grow dirty and greasy and desperate to clean yourself, you'll be more likely to bend to his wishes, and frankly, it works - you feel disgusting with all the sweat caked into your skin, the sudden whiff of body order making you cringe when you move your arms (he won't provide you with deodorant, of course).

It'll drive you crazy, but no matter how complacent you are, or how receptive you are to his attempts at molding you into what he wants, Shalnark will become hesitant to give into your pleas to let you shower.

Because while he agrees that your skin feels better when it's freshly washed (softer, cleaner, more pure), there's something about the way you smell that gets him a little hot under the collar. It's your natural scent, something that's so you. It may be your body odor, sure, or just your pheromones (he likes to think that's what makes him want to rip off his pants and fuck you until you're crying nearly every time he sees you), but regardless, you'll find that he's much handsier and touchier when you haven't showered in a few days.

And frankly, that's saying a lot for Shalnark - he's already all over you, but now he's burying his face into your neck and inhaling, moaning at the way your skin smells. He's coming up behind you and pressing every inch of his body against yours, pinning your hips against the kitchen counter and letting his hands slip under your shirt to cup the undersides of your breasts, only to remove them and smell his hands because fuck your sweat smells good.

He's just weird, and it'll freak you out, making you both uncomfortable and self-conscious because there's absolutely no way he could enjoy the scents and odors that your body is producing. Why does he like the smell of your hair when it hasn't been washed in way too long? Why does he likes the smell of your cunt after it hasn't been washed in four days?

It's simple, really - because it's you, and Shalnark likes anything and everything that has to do with you. So he'll let you shower eventually, but he might only let you wash your hair (if you desire) or your armpits, perhaps. Areas he knows drive you crazy to have dirty. But other areas?

Well, if you know what's good for you, you won't touch your pretty little pussy without his explicit permission that you can wash it.

(Often, he'll throw you down onto the bed after you've exited the shower, forcing your legs apart and burying his face against your cunt, inhaling deeply and letting a smile sit comfortably on his lips, oddly genuine while a red flush sits high on his cheeks. You just smell too damn good, so don't be surprised when the smell of sex and musk and him get added to the mix, the cum dripping from your pretty little hole certainly not helping the smell.)

And really, that's what makes Shalnark so horrible - he's so omnipresent, worming his way into every aspect of your life, until you're asking him permission for anything and everything. And if you choose to disobey, all those cameras and recording devices will showcase the truth. (And even if they don't, he's got enough photoshopping and editing experience to make it look like you did whatever he wants.)

So while Nobunaga is ultimately the worst because you have to ingest his disgusting, rancid cum, Shalnark isn't too much of an upgrade. His humiliation and dehumanization is a different brand, yes, but it'll leave you feeling just as weak and incapable.

So really, pick your poison - I just happen to prefer greasy hair and constant surveillance over being forced to eat something made specially for me.

[laceymorganwrites]

One of us

Word count: 1,979

Pairing: none

Warnings: swearing, mentions of abuse

Summary: Illumi tries to rebel, leading right to you and the troupe. His shackles break, he tastes freedom for the first time.

It was the most dangerous point this time of the year, the time when the troupe had to change their hideout.

You didn´t really have to but there have been incidents in the past that made you extra careful now, incidents that started the whole Zoldyck hatred in your group.

Well hatred would mean fear as well which wasn´t the case, they were more of a nuisance, a wasp that always came back to eat the cake even though you flicked it away so many times already.

Though you had to give it to them, they tried, always came back even though they knew they´d lose. Just like all the other times.

It was like a game of cat and mouse, hide and seek.

It would´ve been fun if it wasn´t so annoying.

You had to admit that it was kind of funny to see those old guys chase after you, with such a laughable ambition in their eyes. What were they even trying to achieve? Honestly, you were just trying to live your life and have some fun. As far as you were concerned you never interfered with anyone of them or their acquaintances if they had any.

Well, maybe they were just trying to stay relevant in the underground and took every job they could get even though they could never even hope to finish it.

Quite a sad fate but that was what you got when you just wouldn´t learn your lesson.

Being stubborn wasn´t always the key to being successful.

“Where are we going this time, captain?” you asked, peaking out your head from behind the boxes you were carrying.

“Oh! How about somewhere near a beach? I haven´t been on vacation in so long” Machi chimed in, a dreamy expression in her eyes.

“Wait actually, how about a vacation? I mean we don´t really have any jobs right now, why not take a day or two off?” you supported her statement.

Everyone seemed to agree with the idea but Chrollo was reluctant. “We should move somewhere safe first and make sure the Zoldycks are busy with something else. I´ll think about it then” he let you know.

After they killed one of you he became paranoid, even more than he already was.

And you couldn´t blame him.

Chrollo didn´t have it easy in the first place managing the spider, being able to stay hidden and without anyone bothering you.

“Alright. I´ll check the route” you said, making yourself useful and making sure nobody would follow you.

As you stepped out of the hideout and looked around everything was in the clear, you nodded at Phinks and Uvogin who were responsible for driving the trucks with all your belongings.

The two men helped carry the last boxes inside the trunks and then you all joined them in the cars.

Chrollo was on edge, you could tell, the way he stared outside the window so paranoid as if you´d get attacked the next second.

“We´re almost there, captain. I can´t sense anyone but us, it´s gonna be over soon” you tried to calm him down, he appreciated it, just nodding.

His jaw was still clenched, but that was just how he was, always looking out for others and disregarding himself in the process.

When you arrived it was a bit too quiet for your liking, the others were careful too.

“I´m going to check it out, you guys can start unpacking already” you said and walked around the property. This time you chose an abandoned hotel, the furniture was still in tact and Shalnark could work very well in the security and control room.

You decided to work on the basement together, making a nice playroom for Feitan.

The building was big enough so that there was something for everyone, the location was very well hidden too, so maybe you could stay here longer this time. You´d like that.

Carefully and observant you looked around and walked everywhere around the property, nobody else was here besides you, but you could feel something. It made you uneasy. And yet it wasn´t a threatening aura.

That was it. An aura.

Anyone who´d come to attack you would conceal it, so why…. Why was this person here? And more importantly: where were they?

You frowned, being even more careful now and not making it as obvious that you were looking around. Hell, you even laid against a brick wall as to show how much you didn´t know what was going on. You let your guard down in hopes of them doing it too.

But Illumi was even more careful. This was the most important mission in his life, the mission to gain his parents´ approval and love, failure was not an option.

No matter what you do, don´t mess with the spiders. They´re not worth the effort and work. That´s what they always told him. And he had believed them his whole life, not even questioning it once.

But rather than doing exactly that and becoming aware of the fact that he was stronger than his parents thought he could ever be, in a way that wasn´t self destructive, in a way that wasn´t manipulative, he decided to make this rule something twisted.

Illumi knew what sort of punishment waited for him for breaking that rule, after all his family were the only ones who were still able to actually hurt him.

However he saw it as a chance, if he broke the rule and succeeded in killing them that would only show them what a great assassin they made of him, he wondered if his parents would finally be proud of him then.

“You don´t have any ill intent, how can I help you?” you faced him, still not seeing him but you could sense his nen well enough.

Illumi stayed hidden for a bit, how could you detect him? That messed up his plan quite the bit, but he didn´t have time to let it get to him.

He watched you from afar again, watching you just stand there unguarded. It was naive and stupid but so calculated, he rather felt like prey in a trap now, not the other way around. You made him uneasy and that excited him.

Maybe it wouldn´t hurt to play this game of catch with you, after all there was no hurt in having fun in his job, was there? Perhaps he was just playing with fire, you had challenged him for something he couldn´t calculate, for something he wasn´t ready for. It was exciting beyond belief.

“Ah, there you are~” you grinned when Illumi finally revealed himself.

“It´s not wise to be out here on your own, not calling anyone for help when you know someone´s here to harm you” he coldly stated, though it wasn´t really cold, it was just… distant, uncaring. There was no emotion behind it at all and yet all of them were. Maybe you were delusional but you could swear that you saw deep grief in his eyes, an even deeper hatred and regret.

Still, you didn´t know him, you doubted the others did as well.

“Yeah well it´s kind of obligatory to face danger in my work, so what brings you here? Something personal or just a job?” you couldn´t deny the fact that you were curious. After all it was pretty easy figuring out that he was an assassin as well. That only made things more interesting though.

“A bit of both” he answered truthfully. Again. No emotion in it at all. And somehow that just drew you in all the more.

“I see, well… hate to rain on your parade but we´re not really the types of people who get taken out easily. Or at all for that matter. But since you seem like a nice guy I´ll let you go before you make any stupid decisions” you offered him, Illumi was trained that nobody could ever trace his true intentions but all that training might as well be useless. Your intuition was better than that.

“I´m afraid I can´t do that. If I leave now everything will be over. I´ve come too far already to give up now” he let you know. Leaving for him would mean admitting to his parents that he broke their rule, he didn´t want to be punished like that ever again. He wanted to be free of them. Free for good this time.

But you were right, this was stupid to begin with. He knew how dangerous the spider was, he knew he wasn´t strong enough on his own. He sighed, the first sign of humanity he showed ever since he appeared. “I won´t kill you. But I can´t return either… this is inconvenient” he shook his head, thinking. Just what was he supposed to do now?

“Tell you what, why don´t you join us? You look like you have some tragic past, fits the job description” you grinned a bit.

Inviting him was a stupid idea, you knew that. But you felt sorry for him somehow. He clearly didn´t have a place where he belonged and to you that was just sad. Because you knew that everyone had a place to belong to, no matter how fucked up and broken they were.

“Pardon? I´m afraid that´s the worst idea I´ve ever heard” he said, appalled. Human emotion detected!

“Bad ideas make for good stories, what do you have to lose?” you grinned, curious about his answer.

Illumi had to chuckle at that. “Nothing anymore actually. I would´ve said my family but I never had one to begin with” his eyes were so empty when he said that, it made you sad.

Though they also held that sorrowful look in them, that realization that he could never have a normal family, that he could never be truly happy and he shouldn´t care, he knew he shouldn´t but … he couldn´t help it. It wasn´t his fault. It was engraved in him from childhood.

“Well now you do! Welcome to the spider” you smiled and practically dragged him along into the hideout with you.

To say the rest was shocked would be an understatement. Alarmed would be more fitting. After all you just brought their enemy into the hideout. However even they had to admit after a while that Illumi was anything but an enemy. Sure at first he was quite awkward and didn´t know how to act around everyone. But that was the thing, he didn´t have to act anymore.

For the first time in his life he could be himself, for the first time he had a chance to figure out who the hell that even was.

He fit right in into the troupe, they were all outcasts in their own way, each had their weird quirks about them and that was just what made them unique and special, that wasn´t a bad thing like he had been taught. After a while he even opened up enough to laugh and joke around with everyone. Though his way of laughing was just smiling ever so slightly that you wouldn´t even notice it if you didn´t look hard enough.

But you did. And the others did too. You cared about Illumi, he was one of you now, everyone would want to read him and they were patient enough to wait for him to open up, he was a great addition to your little makeshift family. And he was funny. Illumi had a dark humor but when you got it, it was the funniest thing you´ve ever heard. It even had Chrollo chuckling. And for him that was the highest of expressions and the biggest compliment.

And when Illumi´s former family attacked he fought on his real family´s side. He fought for himself, to keep this freedom, this inner peace, this adventure and excitement he´s never known before.

[phinkstotallywould]

Just going to bounce off the previous ask, what about how would the trouble trio help their depressed s/o? Thanks! 😊

Shalnark

Being (arguably) the most normal person in the Phantom troupe, this man can do no wrong when it comes taking care of his depressed s/o. He knows what he needs to do to help them through this difficult time in their life. And what he doesn’t know he will find out. 

- First thing he’ll try to do is make his s/o laugh. He knows what you find amusing, so he will utilize that knowledge to the best of his ability. Watching funny movies, telling corny jokes, hijacking someone’s cerebral cortex and forcing them to do some ridiculously insane things.... whatever it takes. You better believe he will go on until it makes them feel even the slightest bit of better. 

- He’ll sit around with his s/o cause being with them is one of his main priorities now.... unless someone needs him for a mission, and even then he will keep in constant contact with them. He feels like now his s/o needs him more than ever. He cares hard. 

- He brings them things and such a sweet gesture. He knows it wont make them get over their depression, but making them feel loved will definitely help them. 

Feitan Portor 

AH YES! Our short king. He’s not exactly sure how to handle his s/o having depression. Before his s/o came along, having anyone outside of the troupe close to him was never even an option... and right now his s/o is definitely not okay and he doesn’t like that at all. He honestly has no idea what he should be doing so, get ready for a nice long round of... trying his best? 

He becomes their personal servant. Whatever his s/o wants he goes to retrieve it for them. Even if it means he gets thing his s/o shouldn’t have. But for him as long as it makes them feel better they will receive it. 

“Wanna play a game?” “Wanna take a walk?” “Wanna read this book?” “Wanna make some heads roll?” Anything he and his s/o would usually do together to have fun he’ll try to get them to do it. it’s what usually cheers them up, so it just makes sense to do more of these things. He has no idea what he should do. 

He is hella worried about his s/o. He of course, does an amazing job at hiding it, and not showing visible unease. [Side note: he strikes me as the type to approach his depressed s/o and just........ Hug. Like, out of nowhere just.... embrace. it’s visually entertaining and even more so if s/o is way taller than him.]

Phinks Magcub

Of course he’s going to freak out a bit internally like “My s/o is what? What do I do about it? What can I do about it?” First he consults with an equally clueless Feitan... it doesn't go well. He has to keep up appearances of angry tough guy, but let’s be honest he worried about his s/o. So even though he’s trying to keep up set appearances (the ones every one has seen through) he’s gonna try his hardest to help his s/o. 

He Certainly lays in bed with s/o all day long. He believes that just being present should make them feel..... not super bad, so he takes it as an attempt. Hopefully this makes them feel a bit better. 

He’s gonna eat junk food and watch movies with them. He is well aware that this isn’t going to solve the problem but making them feel comfortable is important to him. and he is lowkey hoping that maybe being in the “moment’ might make them feel like telling him why they feel the way they do currently. (That last sentence made sense right? lolz) 

He holds s/o a bit more often than he usually would. This is a convenient excuse to get closer to them and still keep his tough guy image. Well, the honest truth now is.... while his s/o is dealing with depression he has glued them to him. (I don’t make the rules I only record them on paper)  

in summation: Shalnark would take great care of his s/o, Phinks would smother you till you feel loved, and much like illumi in my last post, Feitan would try his best. 

[static-fanatic-1]

Kurapika's S/O is Found at the Mall After Disappearing for Four Years. This is the last ask that disappeared.

I'm making this into a Drabble, I hope that is what you meant. Also I'm mixing this with the headcanons on having a three year old. Remember when I said I'd be doing a short story on S/O meeting the Phantom Troupe with their kid. Yeah, it's time. {:<

Kurapika dashed across the city's roofs, his hair and clan clothes drifting in the drag of his movements. His black eyes scanned the busy streets for members of the infamous Phantom Troupe. Phinks, Shalnark, Nobunaga and Machi have been found around York New.

Currently the group stayed together, walking into a busy mall in order to loose sight of whoever might be following them. They could tell it was someone, but who it was remained a mystery to them.

"So," Phinks started, "who do you think it is?"

Nobunaga glanced at the mall's entrance, his arm tucked into the dark blue jacket he stole. "Probably the mafia again." He sighed and leaned back in the metal cafeteria chair.

Machi hummed to herself, her pink hair hidden underneath a large beanie. "I would say a hunter, I think the mafia actually gave up."

Nobu nodded and closed his eyes. "I thought that too, but they might have been sent by them. They still don't like us."

Shalnark looked up from his phone, the app he was playing on being drowned out by the meaningless chatter. "Maybe. I think it might be the chain user."

"Didn't we have a deal with the guy?" Phinks mumbled back, now sitting down in a chair opposite to Machi.

"Yup, but we freed Chrollo and it has been a long time since we made it."

"He's only good at one-on-one fights. Following us would be useless." Machi mumbled while fiddling with the straw in her drink. "He's being too careless for wanting to kill us."

Shalnark hummed to that, finally pocketing his phone and staring at the others. "But he might not be here to kill us." That statement earned a curious glance from everyone else.

"What do you mean?" Nobunaga inquired.

"Well," Shalnark began, "Turns out, three or four years back a certain someone ran away from him, completely disappeared off the map! Even I had a hard time looking for them."

"How do you know this?"

"Well when someone is desperate they tend to be reckless. Some information slipped somewhere along the lines so I can only assume if he's here he's looking for them." Shalnark tapped the table and leaned on his elbow in deep thought. "I found a trace of them somewhere here... so I thought if we find them we might be able to get whoever is following us. I think it's the chain user, but I think they are stalking us to see if we found this person." The blonde's voice trailed into thought, his mind rushing off to other things.

The loud and crowded atmosphere surrounding mall made it difficult for Kurapika to listen in on their conversation. After putting on a wig, some glasses and a completely different outfit, he made his way to the cafeteria and sat down with a drink in hand.

If they were sitting down they were probably waiting for him to make a move, or for him to at least show himself. Though, they might be waiting on someone else, Kurapika could only theorize as he watched them from afar.

Phinks sighed and leaned back in the chair, now they were hunting someone for some else? "So were doing his dirty work. Finding this person to get him off our tail?"

"I guess so." Machi replied, finished with her drink and the conversation.

Nobunaga spat a 'tsk' before standing up and pushing in his chair rather aggressively. "I don't want to do that! He can rot in hell for all I care!" The black haired man turned on his heels  in a quick movement, his chest accidentally bumping into a passerby.

"Sorry! Sorry! I didn't see you there!" You quickly spat out, your three years old hidden behind you.

Nobu turned and faced you, his raven hair falling down his disgruntled face. He heard a gasp behind him, specifically from Shalnark, and a chair scooting backwards. Nobu turned to face the blonde, his face contorted in surprise. Was this the person they were watching out for? What dumb fucking luck.

Nobu turned back to you, a clearly confused expression written on your face. "Uh, s-sorry about that, I wasn't watching where I was going." Your kind smile made him question what affiliation you had with the chain user. Were you a lover? If so then why did you run away.

His staring made you uncomfortable, did he know Kurapika? Did your dyed hair and colored contacts not help you? Whatever it might be you weren't too keen on finding out yourself. "We'll just get out of your way." A nervous laugh escapes your lips as you grabbed hold of your kid and started pushing him to safety.

"Hey, wait." You cringed at the voice, gruff and deep. You turned back to the voice, a taller blonde man with slicked back hair meeting your gaze. "Do you know a chain user?"

Bile could be felt rising up in your throat and sweat forming on your brow. Hopefully they didn't notice. "Ch-chain user? Sorry I don't know anyone that uses chains." Curse your stuttering.

"Hey, Machi, what's the guys name again? Something with a k." Phinks tapped his chin, his body halfway facing you and halfway facing the pink haired girl across from you.

"Kurapika."

You froze when that name past her lips, the poison lacing that name overwhelming your senses. You had to get out of here, that or else your kid will be stuck forever with that... that demon.

"Yeah, that's it-!" Phinks stooped mid sentence, a threatening aura engulfing the group. Your breathe caught in your throat and your frozen form shivered uncontrollably. You had to run, you had to grab your son and bolt.

So that's what you did.

Grabbing your son and dashing away you left the world behind you. He was near, too near for your liking, which meant running was the only option.

Your son began to wail in your arms Despite your rushed hushes. You two ran and ran for what seemed like an eternity. The car you prayed was closer than you remembered revealed itself to be farther.

Nothin was chasing you, that you could tell, or at least you hoped you weren't wrong. The aura disappeared and vanished into the crisp air of midday. Quickly you grabbed your keys, fumbling with them to try and unlock the car door.

(S/n) kept up his crying, his small chubby hands grabbing loose strand of your hair. "Shh, shhh, don't worry everything will be fine. Hush, hush, now." Your words only made him cry louder and made you start to cry as well.

You didn't want to go back to being locked in a house all day, and you didn't want to subject your three year old son to it either. You just wanted freedom and a healthy place to raise your son. Your thoughts clouded you vision and hearing, not even taking notice to the quieted wails of your son.

"M-mommy!" He spoke, voice high pitch and hopeful, something you didn't exactly expect. Beside you stood a blonde, not the same two as before but one all too familiar. His chin length blonde hair framing his impassive expression and ruby red eyes.

Silence rang through the mall parking lot, no one daring to make the first move. "Who are you?" (S/n) asked, hand moving to touch Kurapika's hair.

Kurapika gave a gentle smile to the young boy, he clearly took after his father with his blonde hair and brown eyes. The blonde lightly touched his cheek, letting a finger run down to your arm. "I'm here to protect mommy."

The gentle smile morphed into a pleased smirk when your eyes met with his, the ruby red still present. "Let's go home, (y/n)."

Your son bounced in your arms, if only he knew the true dangers of this man. You allowed Kurapika to grab your keys from your hand and open the car door, you were too afraid to fight back. What if he threatened your pride and joy? You didn't want to find out.

You entered the car, Kurapika climbing into the drivers seat and turning the car on. The car rumbled to life, purring nonsense words to keep your racing mind at bay. "What are you protecting mommy from?"

The blonde looked over at the child in his backseat booster seat and gave the warmest smile you have ever seen him have. "From all the bad people who want to hurt her."

[lissamems]

The Three Tipsy Spiders

To prepare for a Troupe party, Shalnark, Phinks, and Feitan are sent out for alcohol. This goes about as well as can be expected.

From start to finish, it was a bad idea.

Of all the groups to have to send out for beer, those three were by far the worst combination. The only reason they were even sent out together was because Phinks was the pickiest when it came to booze and therefore always had to be there to choose what to drink and that for their safety, Shal and Feitan were sent far from the other members. Feitan had found it amusing to convince Shalnark to post Machi’s phone number on several dating websites and the female Troupe member was out for blood, so Chrollo had sent the duo along with Phinks.

In Phinks opinion, the job had started off rather well. Shalnark was completely preoccupied by a new game on his phone and Feitan seemed content to just stare out the window, so Phinks was free to adjust and listen to the radio of their new (stolen) car however he wished.

The Troupe was currently stationed in an abandoned hotel on the outskirts of a town that seemed rather abandoned itself. It was so small that none of the buildings had actual names and they had to stop for alcohol at a charming little store called “Store”.

It was at that paragon of shopping establishments that things began to go downhill. Or at least escalate in that direction.

The “Store” had an inexcusably small selection, only offering three cases of beer. It should not have been that shocking to the trio, given that around ten people still lived in the near empty town, but Phinks still felt personally slighted at it.

“What the hell are we supposed to do with this?”

“Drink it, idiot.” Feitan claimed to not know much of the Troupe’s native language, but it certainly seemed to come naturally to him when he was insulting Phinks.

“No, he’s right.” Shalnark looked up from his phone and sighed. “As soon as we get back, Uvo and Nobu are going to take them and it’s not even enough to get one of them drunk.”

“Dealing with an almost drunk Uvogin is better than a sober one who’s upset we didn’t get him any beer.” said Phinks more than a little irritably.

“Ah, that’s fair.”

Resigned to having to settle for the few cases of beer, Phinks was almost hoping for a fight. He didn’t live for it as savagely as Uvo did, but he did look forward to brawls. Unfortunately for him, the Store’s sole employee was an exhausted (and rather senile) old man who waved them out of the store without even looking at them.

“Does this even count as stealing?” asked Shalnark at full volume while staring directly at the old man, who neglected entirely to respond. “Oh well.”

The job could have ended very simply after that, with the three bringing back the three cases (that were admittedly large but nowhere near the unholy amount needed to get the entire Troupe even buzzed).

However. The amount was just right for getting three of the Spiders very nicely inebriated.

Feitan was the one who commented on it first. “If we bring only this back, all we will do is make them angry. So whatever we do after this, someone’s going to be mad.”

Shalnark caught on first. “You have a point.” All three pairs of eyes focused on the beer currently stored in the trunk of their car. “If we’re going to get yelled at anyways, we may as well not be sober for it.”

“That will be easy enough for you, Shal, you smell alcohol and get tipsy.” Phinks eyed the liquor critically. Enhancers were notoriously good at drinking and he especially was very, very good at it.

“You afraid?” Though Feitan’s mouth was covered by his collar, he was obviously grinning.

Phinks couldn’t open his first beer fast enough

Though the Spiders were very good at most illegal actions, driving while drunk was not one of them. Phinks made it exactly ten meters out of the “Store’s” gravel parking lot before trashing the car completely in a ditch he swore was new.

Shalnark and Feitan were completely useless by that point, Shal a collapsed pile of laughter in the passenger seat while Feitan sat in a still somewhat menacing silence behind them both. Phinks stared at the smoking hood of the car in front of him and punched the steering wheel, forgetting for a moment that he was much stronger than the average, non Nen-using drunk.

So now not only was the hood on fire and the front of the car crumpled like one of the beer cans littering the floor, but the steering wheel was also unrecognizable and spewing sparks.

Shalnark hummed in thought, leaning forward to inspect the wreckage, “I don’t think that steers anymore.”

Phinks groaned (which Shalnark helpfully called whining) and pulled out his phone. He clicked on their boss’s name and sent the following text:

“Send hep cars on fire not feitans fault”

And then they waited.

Usually when the three of them were out drunk somewhere, Pakunoda was the one sent to retrieve them. She acted stern with them, but she was also patient and would get them food and water. So that is who they were expecting as their rescuer, not the far meaner woman who rolled down the driver’s window to fix them all with a trademark icy glare.

Machi somehow looked both apathetic and furious as she watched at the three tipsy Spiders on the side of the road. “Get in.”

“Mmmm, no thank you.”

“Shut up, Shalnark.”

“No, we’ll wait for Paku.”

“Now!”

The now slightly shamed trio crawled into the car Machi had “acquired” to pick them up, Phinks making sure she knew that his stolen car was nicer than hers. Machi didn’t even look at him as she started to drive, she just stated dryly, “Your car is also a pile of metal as trashed as you are.”

Feitan and Shalnark sat in the back of the car, both of whom were extremely delighted to find Kortopi sitting with them. Shal gasped very quietly. “Topi, you too?”

“No, Kortopi is not drunk. Chrollo thought it would be good for him to see how stupid alcohol makes people act, so he sent him with me to pick you three up.” She looked almost pityingly at the young Troupe member. “I probably should have warned him more.”

Kortopi just laughed, an almost silent sound that no one else heard. Phinks stared very hard at the Conjurer (he was wearing a mop on his head, he was absolutely sure of it), but felt the safest option was to not say anything.

Feitan, on the other hand, felt that this was the time for him to make his first drunken comment of the evening. He leaned across Shalnark, who sat between them, to stop mere inches from Kortopi’s face and say, “I will shave you, mouse man.”

Sighing in complete exasperation, Machi looked back at the other Transmuter, “Feitan, what does that even mean?”

“It means keep Feitan the hell away from scissors.”

“Shut up, Shalnark.”

The rest of the ride went a bit smoother, aside from the fact that Kortopi was now terrified and had moved the slightest bit away from the others. Shalnark was staring intensely at his phone (which turned out not to actually be his phone and was really a stranger’s he had happened to find somewhere) and Phinks kept trying to lunge forward to change the radio station only for Machi to tap the brakes and make him fly against his seat restraints.

The others were all getting battered too, but knew by now to just stay quiet.

That intelligent decision did not last long.

“Maaachi.”

“What.”

“Maaaaachi.”

“I swear, Phinks, if you don’t shut the hell up-”

Shalnark sniffled in the backseat, his laughter turning very quickly to booze fueled sadness. “I miss Paku. She got us snacks once.”

Feitan was still watching Kortopi, catlike in his fixation. “And she did not bring the mouse man.”

“Alright, enough with that mouse man stuff, you’re making him nervous.” She shrugged apologetically at Kortopi before looking back to Phinks with a far less warm expression. “Paku isn’t feeling well so I’m the one who got sent out to fetch you idiots.

Shalnark gasped again at that, a look of complete horror on his face. The next few minutes of the ride had to be spent on reassuring the blond that Pakunoda was not in fact dying. His personality did another complete turn around afterwards, now cheerily watching their surroundings outside the car.

The trip finally concluded in silence, the only other noteworthy event being that Machi had to briefly shield Kortopi from Feitan as they exited the car. She then strode away from the stumbling group of drunks without a backwards glance, ignoring Shalnark’s heartfelt “I love you!” as she did so.

Then, giggling like schoolchildren, the three then launched an attempt to sneak into the safe house, forgetting that everyone inside was an angry, almost overpowered thief ready to beat them to a pulp.

Franklin was the first to spot them, though all he did was smirk and turn away, laughing to himself. Uvogin and Nobunaga were both noticeably absent, most likely because Chrollo did not want them to kill the three, but there was a punch mark in the wall probably caused by one of them. Bonolenov stared at them (mighty judgey, thought Phinks, for a man who was like eighty percent hole) and Kortopi peered at them from behind the holey (pffffft holy) man.

Chrollo was the final Spider they spotted, though his gaze was the hardest to hold.  For a moment, the three felt enormously guilty and stared at the ground, Shal in particular feeling devastated.

Then Feitan reached into his coat to pull out a single, dented beer that none of the men had touched and handed it to their leader, an apology and an offering all in one.

Chrollo’s lips twitched from the flat line they had been pressed into and smiled very faintly. “You do all realize that tomorrow you’ll all be hungover and chased by two Enhancers who want nothing more than to maim you?”

Phinks waved dismissively, trying (and failing) to seem tough and extra macho, “That’s what they’re always like.”

The leader of the Phantom Troupe laughed indulgently at that and gestured for the trio to go find a space to pass out in. “Good luck, you three.”

God knew they needed it.