#sh; logurt

[mutantjellybeans]

Hey guys just remembered “when you wake from this earthly slumber, my friend, look for me and I will be waiting for you, radiant and with open arms”

[romanarose]

Oil Spill

Logan Howlett x Kurt Wagner

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Summary: It's not self-harm. Logan heals, it's totally different. Kurt doesn't see it that way.

Warnings: SHOWN SELF HARM! Toxic Logan moment warning. Kurt is trying his best. Implied feelings confession but not fully (not the time!) They love each other, your honor. Sensitive topics ahead, just be aware. I describe Logan self harming, so be very aware. Logan mentions being semi-suicidal, but he doesn't go much into his feelings.

divers by @cafekitsune

Logan knew how to get blood out of carpets, that wouldn’t be a problem. He should probably invest in a tarp at some point, but for now he settled on a folded up top sheet he never used. The school at 1000 of these laying around, mostly used to divide rooms between students sharing who weren’t getting along. And Scott. He was certain Scott made his made every day, including the top sheet.

Perfect Scott, everything goes his way. Leader of the X-Men, Charles’s golden boy, gets the girl… 

Why did he have carpet in his bathroom? Must be a leftover from some interior design fade. He’d have to talk to Chuck about getting tiles installed. He’d do it himself too, not a problem. Just something nice and easy to clean for days like this.

Logan knew he had no reason to be this unhappy. Life, comparatively, was better now than he could remember. He had a place to live, as much food as he wanted, friendship. Hell, he’d never admit it but he did like teaching, as much as one could like work.

Really, there was no reason to be doing this poorly. And yet, he could barely sleep. Yet, he had a pain in his chest that wouldn’t go away.

It wasn’t really self-harm, Logan justified to himself. He’d had to go through training on the idea of harming oneself as part of working with teenagers, standard teacher training. There were one or two students without healing factors that had scars around their wrists or inner arms, and Scott had said it was pretty common for mutant youth to hurt themselves in some way when their mutation began to manifest. Many had healing factors, more had just healed normally with time and superficial wounds, but some were left with lifelong scars.

That was CLEARLY different from what Logan was doing, what he had been doing for years. He wasn’t trying to kill himself, and his cuts healed about as fast as he could make them. He was just trying to get through the fucking day. Well, it’s not like he had much of choice.

Logan’s claw sliced open his inner arm, hitting an artery. For a few moments, blood went everywhere, hitting the walls. Great, more to clean up. At least those walls were stain resistant. Charles thought to have stain resistant paint on the walls for whatever weird mutant stuff could happen, but not take out this carpet? Strange guy. Another cut, just as the freshest one was sealing up. It was amazing, honestly, that he could look into his arm and see the cartilage, the flesh, the veins, even down to the bone and watch it heal up in real time.

However, the pain was unbelievable. He felt like he could feel every layer of his skin tearing, feeling where there shouldn't actually be any nerve endings, but maybe that was just his imagination. Logan sucked in a breath through his teeth, baring the pain as he let 3 slices across his arm, 3 more, then 3 more all in succession. He watched his flesh flay apart, groaning and growing in pain like a fucking baby as if it wasn’t already healing.

“Idiot” He mumbled to himself, but still whimpered as the healing finished. He couldn’t even take such a temporary pain, he was fucking useless, a piece of shit who needed to be punished for all the wrong he’s done but somehow landed himself a good life he didn’t deserve. He was so caught up in his mental self-hatred monologue and focusing on the painting as he dragged a single claw slowly up his arm. A superficial wound at best.

 Logan raised his fist again, ready to get it to the bone once more when he heard his friend. “Logan!” Kurt’s distinct accent cut past the middle of the living room where he stood and all the way to the bathroom Kurt could see directly into.

“Relax, Elf.” Logan spoke with calm resign, but his ears still warmed in embarrassment. No one was supposed to see him like this, especially not Kurt. Kurt was sacred; Kurt was special.

BAMF!

Kurt was knelt in front of where Logan sat on the closed toilet lid, three long fingers wrapped around his bloody arm. “Vat did you do?”

Once again, Logan reiterated his plea for him to relax. “See?” He held up his arm, showing it all around. No cuts. “All healed.”

“But- you’re bloody? V happened?” He was clearly struggling to process what he saw. Logan understood it was probably upsetting to see him covered in blood, but he had no reason to worry. He was fine.

Logan shrugged. “Noth’n. Don’t worry ‘bout it.” He tried to stand, but Kurt cought his arm again, still knelt below him. Not exactly the way Logan imagined Kurt on his knees, but he did file the image away for later. Those yellow eyes staring up at him could do him in alone.

“You vere hurting yourself, ja? We all had to take the same training, Logan, do not lie to me.”

And he could. Logan couldn’t bear to lie to his friend.

“Yeah, I was.” But he yanked his arm away as he stood, defensiveness putting up like a hedge around him, thornes on the roses talking to Kurt always brought. “But it ain’t fucking like that.”

Kurt stood, determination flashing gold in his eyes. “Then vat is it like, Logan? Because it looks to me like you are in pain.”

“I’m not in pain! It’s fucking healed!”

“Not your arm! Here!” He had the audacity to tap Logan’s head, then his heart. “Or here.” His voice softened. “You can talk to me. You know this.”

And he wanted to. Logan really fucking wanted to talk to Kurt  about how he felt. How the nightmares never stopped, how he carried desperate guilt in himself for all his failures, how he looked at Rogues hair and thought about how he couldn’t be enough, how much she  must have suffered, how he almost killed her. He wanted to tell Kurt he felt sick still, when he let himself feel what he felt for the younger man, how despite the world changing around him, Logan still felt this innate sense that he was wrong, deep down in his gut, wrong for desiring another man.

Instead, he played off his friend’s valid concerns with his signature blase callousness. He raised his arm. SKIKT! “Ain’t no big thing.”

“No!”

It wasn’t a bad cut, no arteries, no blood flying everywhere; he wanted to make sure nothing got on Kurt, that would traumatize the kid. Still, blood trickled down his arm, and Kurt looked horrified. Of course Logan felt bad, but he tried to push it away. He shouldn’t care what Kurt felt, he had no business chasing after Kurt’s feelings… he’d wreck the guy, destroy that perfect, hopfull, happy young man and turn him into some fucked up version of him. He didn’t want to do that to Kurt, and yet here he was, causing him pain.

Logan expected Kurt to leave, to not be able to take this level of insanity, to not know what to do with a blood covered bathroom and a smiling Logan. That’s why he did it, after all, to scare him away. But Kurt was not the type to run away easily, now was he? If he was, he wouldn’t be the closest thing Logan had to a best friend.

“Do you do this… a lot?” Two hands take his arms, holding him as if he was covering Logan’s flesh with his own. Blood that hadn’t dried yet sticks to his fingers that delicately protected him from his own hands.

“Sometimes.”

“Vhy?”

He shrugged. “Wish I knew.” his voice came out softer than he meant it to. “I can’t die yet, I guess.”

He catches a small whimper, a quiver of Kurt’s blue lip before he looks up at him. “And do you want to die, my friend?”

He had to think on that for a second. “I dunno… don’t really want to live forever.”

Kurt nods. “I- I suppose I cannot pretend to know that pain, the curse of near-immortality… is that vhat bothers you so badly you have to self harm, or is hurting yourself vhat you do instead of suicide?”

It was too much, the questions too invasive. More importantly, he didn’t have an answer, so he got defensive as he finally let his arms drop, Kurt’s warm hands separating from him in the process. He didn’t know forearms could feel this could.

“It’s not self-harm! I’m not an angsty teenage mutant! I heal, remember?”

Kurt’s face set into a soft glare. Fuck, even when frustrated, he was softer than this world, and him, deserved. “But you still hurt, ja? Just admit what you are doing. Just because the scars heal, doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt!” Logan got the feeling Kurt was simply being too nice to call him a dumbass in this moment. 

He acquiesced. “Yeah, fine, it hurts like a bitch, but so what? No permanent damage. We all have things that get us through the shit show.”

“Do you feel this world is a shitshow? Please, Logan, tell me what is hurting you so badly that this is what you resort to! Place your feelings on me, not yourself!” Logan knew he meant to talk to him, but the intrusive imagine of Logan ‘placing’ his feelings on Kurt, of making him hurt the way Logan was hurt made his stomach turn. Suddenly, he feels sick for putting Kurt through this, and begins shutting down.

“Everything is fine. Just takes the edge off.”

“I can help”

Logan wants to laugh at that. “Help? How would you help?”

“I- I could listen.” Kurt tries to reach for him, but Logan shys away.

“I don’t need a shrike, Kurt”

“I could hold you, I could-”

Logan does laugh this time, a hurtful, dry laugh. It was cruel, trying to push sweet kurt away but it was for his own good. He had to white-fang him out of his life. “You think I’m a baby? Do you think all I need is to be held, to be reassured. ‘Shhhh shhh Logan it’s okay’” he mocked Kurt’s accent, and watched the hurt flash across his eyes.

“You are trying to push me avay.”

How does he read him so easily? Logan can never get one past Kurt.

“YOU CAN’T HELP ME!”

“I can try! Let me try!”

“How? You gonna pat my back and say ‘It’s okay, God loves you’”

“I LOVE YOU, LOGAN!”

His words hang in the air, heavy as both men breathe them in. The weight of what he said settles into Logan’s bones, grounding him, burning down the walls around his heart.

Softer this time. “I love you. You are… you are my friend… you are so much more. You are-” He shakes his head. “This is not the time.” And it’s not, but Logan already knows what he means. He can feel that meaning deep inside him, feeling him in every vein he tore at.

“Me too.” Logan says quietly, before swallowing hard. “More. You’re more to me too.”

Finally, Kurt gave him a shy smile. “I vant to see you happy, Logan. It makes me sad to know you feel like this. I don’t mean to say this is about me, I just mean-”

“I know what you mean.” And he did. Kurt wanted him to know he was cared for.

“And the others, they would care too. We love you here, Logan. All of us. You make out lives better by being here.”

“I’m just… I’m tired. I’m tired physically, because I can’t fucking sleep, and I don’t need much sleep be fuck, a few smooth hours would be nice. But it’s like I’m tired… in my head, you know? Like this deep, primal exhaustion, like it’s festering in bones, swimming in the marrow and the veins and just ready to explode… It’s spewing like an oil spill, It’s black sludge is threatening to smother every last living part of me. I just… I feel sad.” He stated plainly. “And don’t ask me why, because I don’t really know.”

Kurt gave a little nod. “I understand. And it’s okay that you don’t know. I just… I just asked we try, ja? I vant to try and help. Vee can go at your pace, take it slow. Just please, Logan, you don’t have to suffer alone.”

Logan gave it a thought, and nodded. For Kurt, he’d give it a try.

 “Come.” He extended his hand. “I vant you to rest. I know, I know the healing but… I think sleep might be good, ja?”

“Yeah, elf. Might be nice.”

Kurt took Logan to his bed, laying him down and pulling the covers over him. He should feel embarrassed about being babied, he knew, but he didn’t really care… he knelt by Logan’s bedside, playing with his hair until he fell asleep.

He woke up some time later to Kurt climbing into the other side of the bed. “Entschuldigung. I did not mean to wake you.” He seemed far away, and Logan knew he was just trying to not be a creep.

“You can come closer, yuh know.”

Kurt happily scooted right next to him, his fur warm against his skin. “Go back to sleep.”

“Kinda hard when I got such good company.”

He felt Kurt chuckle against him.

In an hour, he’d wake up feeling much less groggy. Remy must be making gumbo; he could smell it, and that made Logan excited to get up which was rare. Kurt was beside him, snoring softly and when he glanced at the bathroom it was clean. A pang of guilt hit him at the thought of Kurt having to clean up his blood, but then he looked down at the cat-like young man sleeping so soundly beside him.

Kurt liked helping people. It made him happy. And if Logan was … was his more, whatever that was going to mean for them, he needed to be able to let Kurt help him. He would never put Kurt in that position again, forced to stand by as Logan hurt himself. He’d do better. For Kurt.

And… maybe he could do better for himself.

Thank you so so so much for reading!

SO that quote about the oil spill was actually taken from bruce Springsteen in his autobiography, born to run, describing what he said to his manager after the success of Nebraska. I HIGHLY suggest the book, deliver me from nowhere which is all about the making of Nebraska. "Its darker, getting darker. There’s been an event and my depression is spewing like an oil spill all over my carefully planned and controlled existence. It’s black sludge is threatening to smother every last living part of me."

Its a hard day to be american. If you are trans, please know this executive order does not negate your very real identity. i love you.

I love you all so so much! Im very new to the x men fandom but you have all be SO NICE and its a very queer friendly space so im having a great time <3

if you like this i dont have a whole lot of none x reader x-men, most is x reader but the prodigals is multi fandom marvel!

Im also always on the look out for a good series! main ships are poolverine, logurt, scogan, and kurt/remy, but will take any combo of those 5. Not really looking for one shots bc i can find thos eeasy but if you got one ill read it lol, im lookig for MASTERPIECE series, with angst hurt/comfort fluff and smut! Slow burn 100% okay and in-progress is absolutly okay, id love to support a new series.

anyway, byeeeeeee

@miraclesabound @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction

[mutantjellybeans]

We as a society moved on from this a little too quickly methinks like this was an actual, real panel from an actual, real marvel comic can anyone hear me

Hey guys just remembered “when you awake from this earthly slumber, my friend, look for me and I will be waiting for you, radiant and with open arms”