#sexy well-dressed murder abomination

[multiverseforger]

Fav game character

Tina and her parents were sold to Hyperion to become test subjects for Jack's slag mutation experiments, an event which led to the deaths of her parents. She escaped their fate using a grenade that she had hidden in her dress at her mother's insistence, and once she was free of Hyperion's reach she vowed revenge on the man that had sold her family: Flesh-Stick.

Involvement

Borderlands 2

Tiny Tina's demolitions expertise is called into action when a Hyperion supply train believed to be carrying a Vault key needs to be stopped. With that objective in sight, she then sets the Vault Hunters to the task of finding two rockets (which she refers to as 'badonkadonks') to carry a 'suicide'-bomber toy each, and then to set them on target.

Her collaboration with the Vault Hunters continues when she has them gather items and guests for a very special tea party. During the final mission Tina will contact the Vault Hunters and wish them luck in stopping Hyperion and even reads them a poem repeatedly telling the Vault Hunters to 'kill Jack'.

Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage

Tina appears in a supporting role in Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage. Initially she is hired by Mad Moxxi to help the Vault Hunters train prior to battling Motor Momma, but also asks their assistance in obtaining the autograph of her third favorite mass-murderer, Sully the Stabber, as well as walking her "puppy", a Badass Fire Skag named Enrique. She also provides commentary on many of the Vault Hunters' actions throughout the course of the DLC.

Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep

Tina takes on the role of the 'Bunker Master' for the game 'Bunkers & Badasses', where she is shown to be bad at this, by fumbling in such ways as creating impossible fights early on and not balancing the gameplay in certain areas. The real problems underlying Tina's mental state (at that time) start becoming more apparent as the player progresses, being obsessed with eating only crumpets and constantly trying to insert a manifestation of the now deceased Roland whenever she wants to, to the dismay of the other Vault Hunters. Tiny Tina's character develops over the course of the campaign and she learns to accept Roland's death.

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Tina makes her first appearance during the game while Lilith was interrogating Athena, inviting the Vault Hunters to play another round of Bunkers and Badasses, but was turned down. Later, after Athena finishes telling her story, Tina introduces herself and requests Athena to tell a story about fighting a raid boss. As she had no idea what a raid boss was, she "came up" with a story about fighting one (in this case, the raid boss being an enhanced version of The Sentinel). After that, Tina requests Athena to tell the story of her working for Handsome Jack again.

Borderlands 3

At the time of Borderlands 3, Tina is presumed to be around 20 years old. She is still part of the Crimson Raiders B-Team along with Brick and Mordecai. The team is hired by Wainwright Jakobs to rescue his partner Sir Hammerlock, but after they fail to report back on their progress, Jakobs requests the Vault Hunter to go The Anvil to investigate setting up the story mission Hammerlocked. Tina's code name during the mission is 'Crunk Bunny'. Tina requests 'ingredients' for her 'Pizza' (bomb), composed of 'sauce' (nitroglycerin), 'onions' (wires) and 'ham' (a detonator). She then asks the Vault Hunter to deliver the pizza, which is to blow up the door to the structure where Hammerlock is being held. After successfully rescuing Hammerlock, she declares that the B-team's work is done and they leave Eden-6. Tina is found later on Devil's Razor back on Pandora, where she or Brick will give the mission Boom Boom Boomtown. She asks the Vault Hunter for help in winning back their new home and base of operations, recently named by Tina as "Boom Town", by fighting off COV that have been sneaking in thru a tunnel that Brick is keeping the COV locked inside.

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Appearances

Borderlands 2

Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage

Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep

Commander Lilith & the Fight for Sanctuary

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Borderlands 3

Quotes

"Come on iiiin, you are missing the Fuun!"

"All around the Sta-actus plant, the stalker chased the bandit, the stalker thought 'twas all in fun - POP! Goes the bandit!"

"Oh haiiii!"

"Roland told me you were comin' - I still owe him for all that buttcrap with General Rancid. So, you gotta hijack a train, hunh? Chiiild's play! Lemme introduce you to my ladies."

"Runnin', runnin', runnin', I'm runnin' over here, run, run, run-run, run."

"This here's Mushy Snugglebites, and this is Felicia Sexopants. These fiiiine-ass womens could stop that train for yas, but I'ma need their badonkadonks first, and they got stoled by the bandits a few days ago. Go get 'em!"

"Naptime!"

"That's right, bitches - my big brudder's about to teach you some MANNERS. Nobody steals Mushy Snugglebites' badonkadonk and lives!"

"That's Mushy Snugglebites' badonkadonk. She's my main squeeze. Lady's got a gut fulla' dynamite and a booty like POOOW!"

"Got the badonkadonks? Best day evaaaa. Bring 'em back here and I'll use 'em to make some fine-ass damsels who can hijack that train for yas."

"Hey I told ya'z to get outta heeya, get out or do I gotta shank a bitch?"

"Get-outta-my-shop-or-I'll-punch-yo-butt. That's-how-Tiny-Tina-roll."

"(Singing) Put a little bomb in the hot ass damsel, blow stuff up and make people die."

"I'm a little teapot, bloody and cut. Here is my handle and here is my butt.*explosion noise* Oops."

"Squishy. Squishy squishy squishy."

"Oh daaaaaayum, you lookin' good, ladies. Let's get to work."

That's right. Twin sisters, man. Hhhahhhhhh. Take 'em. Take 'em take 'em take 'em take 'em."

"Just put my damsels near the choo-choo track and set 'em off! Good plan? Great plan!"

"You're cordially invited BITCH!!!"

"When you are ready to begin the Tea-Party, please smack Mister Flesh Stick in his bitch face."

"Gonna eat so many goddamn crumpets, it's going to be a Crumpocalypse."

"Ten... Nine..." *launches rockets* "I got bored."

"BURN ALL THE BABIES!!!!!"

(Cute yawning noise)

"Make it RAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"

"Sup, sucka? It's Tina. I wrote you a poem and it goes a little somethin' like this BREAK IT DOWN. Ahem. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack kill Jack kill Jack KIIIILL JAAAAACK! Kill Jack. A poem by Tiny Tina."

"Climb the pipe to the train or you'll go insane wut wut. That's a rap song I wrote."

"Get some cookies, so you can eat 'em and grow up big and strong and kick Piston in the butt-butt."

"Real badasses eat chocolate chip cookies, I'ma gonna get that tattooed across my back in Old English font."

"Wait a minute. Those cookies weren't chocolate chip. Those...are...raisins. WHYYYYYY-HY-HYYYYY?! SHAWTY, DESTROY ALL THE FOOD DISPENSERS! WIPE THE RAISIN ABOMINATIONS OFF THE MAP! I JUST WANTED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?"

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Do you know who just arrived in Beatdown? SULLY THE STABBER! He's my THIRD favorite mass-murderer in the ENTIRE WORLD! You HAVE to go get his autograph for me."

"Get his signature on this. Please. PLEASEpleasepleasepleasepleaseplease! If you don't get his autograph I'm gonna DIEEEEE. He's my favoritest. He killed every living person on the Bathymas with nothing but a rusty butterknife. If you don't take it I'm gonna start crying. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. [making a song out of it] oh-baby please please PLEASE! That was 'Please' by Tiny Tina with Vault Hunter on bass."

"He said...no? Well. There's only one thing to do -- look him in the eye, nod politely, and KILL THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF HIM!"

Commander Lilith & the Fight for Sanctuary

While idle

Some of the idle chats are mission related and can't be heard again once the mission in question is completed.

"You come up in my face, and you DON'T GOT BOMB PARTS, you KNOW I'm throwing hands."

"Oh, hello! I didn't see you there. I was just on an important mission to save my friends and AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE SAME THING?!"

"Gonna go blat-blat-blat on the vine-freaks. \n Rat-tat-tat till their brain leaks. \n Chill, girl, just droppin' some bars. Go do the thing."

"I wanna shoot the cannon again! AGAIN! But Lil said no. BLEEPING CURSE WORDS!"

"You kiddos killed that butt-bot so, so good! (cackle) Butt-bot."

"Come on, Mordy. You got this! You gonna be all right."

"MORDY'S ALL BETTER AND ELLIE FIXED THE CAMP'S COFFEE MACHINE AND I CAN'T STOP YELLING ABOUT EITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS!"

"Yo yo yo. You kill that vineyman up on vineyville yet?"

"I left some reeaaal sexy bombs back on Sanctuary. Oh, just thinkin' bout 'em... come on, think about 'em with me. Yeeeeeah. Together now. Hohhhhh."

"That. Was. The BIGGESTEST BOOM OF ALL TIME! Gotta give it to Lilly-of-the-valley, she knows how to kill a baddo in style."

"Seriously, though. Vaulty-Vault, you was there for me in the dark times. That's fo' life."

"So, just saying, it's probably my birthday, and you ain't got me nothing. Mini-moonshot cannon. Just wanna put that in your head."

Notes

The photo of Tina and Roland

She is introduced as an old friend of Roland's and she has a picture of them together in her room. Roland also mentions beforehand that, "I've saved her life a few times, and she has saved mine more times than I can count."

In Borderlands 2, there are a few unique weapons that are associated with Tiny Tina. These weapons include pink hearted camouflage and/or stuffed bunny image decals.

Teapot

Cobra

Boom Puppy

Tina's voice is performed by Ashly Burch, sister of Anthony Burch - lead writer of Borderlands 2. (The two are also a part of the web series Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'?.) She is also credited with the voice of the cursed gun, Bane.

Tina has unusual gender-specific dialogue, referring to both male and female Vault Hunters as "girl". She also makes a number of sexual comments in an appreciative manner in regards the female members of her tea party, whilst during the Assault on Dragon Keep storyline she confesses to liking Maya in The Siren's invitation, asking if Maya likes her in turn. Additionally, her original motivation for helping the Vault Hunters train for Mad Moxxi was going to be due to her having a crush on Mad Moxxi.

Tina switches verbal mannerisms frequently. Her speech styles include a stereotypical inner-city American speech pattern, little girl speech patterns, stereotypically pretentious British English speech, to randomly violent and murderous speech, and others.

Trivia

There is an Easter egg related to Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? in the Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage. On the back of Tiny Tina's bus is a pixel drawing of Papa Burch riding a unicorn from the HAWP episode 'Sleep Is Death'.

Roland recognizes her as one of the greatest demolitions experts on Pandora and a picture of the two can be seen inside of her home.

Tiny Tina is mentioned by Brick on a mission in Sawtooth Cauldron as he recalls carrying her on his shoulders as they fought together. In the end credits, it is shown that they worked together again in this manner cleaning out the remaining Hyperion forces.

ExotropiaTina has an intermittent exotropia (lazy eye) in her left eye. This was originally due to a glitch, but the developers enjoyed it, so they purposefully left it in. This has also passed on to Borderlands 3, as her left eye will occasionally twitch while talking.

In NowGamer, an interview revealed that there is part of a mission removed from the main game involving Tina. Originally, when telling of Roland's death, the players were to head out to Tiny Tina's home and tell her the sad news. It described her being deeply affected by it, thanking the players for telling her, asking them to leave, and locking herself in her workshop to mourn. Anthony Burch, lead writer and the source of this news, says they regret they could not include this scene into the game. It was supposed to be the only moment in the game she loses her peppy mania [1].

Her tea party place card is labeled "Lady Tina of Blowupyourfaceheim"

On May 24, 2013, Tina took over the @ECHOcasts Twitter (previously owned by Krieg).

Tiny Tina's parents have officially been confirmed dead as of the sixth episode of Inside the Box, entitled "Fart Jokes and Tragedy".

In the Commander Lilith & the Fight for Sanctuary DLC, Tiny Tina, Mordecai and Brick form a team simply named "The B-Team".

Tiny Tina refers to Brick as "Brick-papa" and Mordecai as "Mordy-mom". This is further mentioned when Brick says "Don't talk like that to your mom." to Tina.

It is revealed in Sheega's All That that Sheega is an ex-girlfriend of Tiny Tina.

ECHO logs in Devil's Razor reveal that Tiny Tina has dated multiple individuals, broke up with all of them, and staged a wedding to make money from the wedding gifts sent by her exes.

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[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

howdy! Any sterek fics where Danny and Stiles are friends?

AND

Anonymous said:Any Danny-centric fics? I miss him, I wish we got to see him be stiles' gay yoda

AND

Anonymous said:Danny gives Stiles gay tips? Sterek pls

Oh. I miss Danny and his dimples.  - Anastasia

Kidnap The Sandy Claws by Reehoe, ZackaryAnderson

(1/? I 1,681 I Explicit I Stackson)

Stiles and Danny have a heart-to-heart about Jackson's genitals. Stiles contemplates it and gets punched by Erica.Later that night, Stiles and Jackson have a heart-to-heart about Jackson's genitals, too.

The Moon is Fully Risen (And Shines Over the Sea) by Shy_Fox_Lone_Wolf (KoreanOreo)

(1/? I 2,576 I Not Rated I Sterek)

In which everyone ignores Stiles after the whole 'Crazy Murderous Alpha' thing- and Stiles is a mermaid princess with Danny as her guard and adviser. Oh and the pack doesn't know. Oops.

Love at Second Sight by orphan_account

(1/1 I 3,058 I Mature I Sterek)

Derek is hissing through the phone, three little boys clinging to his legs. “No, you ass—astonishingly abominable person, don’t you dare laugh. Get me someone to help. I’m in the office. Laura says she won’t be back for two weeks. Two full weeks. Get me someone, now, before I fire you and throw myself out a building.”

Derek is a CEO, but when he's saddled with his nephews for two weeks, he needs help. And when his sister is killed in a car accident, he needs that same person even more. That person is Stiles.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff! by PolarisTheYoungWolf

(1/1 I 3,355 I Not Rated I Sterek)

Prompt: "Okay but imagine Stiles buying a dog whistle! Whenever Derek pisses him off and he wants some time alone!"

In a supernatural situation where they've hit a brick all, Derek lashes out on Stiles who is trying to help in his Stiles-like way. Stiles takes it really hard and wants some time away from werewolves after he and Danny figure out a solution to mess. Danny, a fellow human, felt hurt FOR Stiles and got him a gift.

This May Take A While by dara3008

(1/1 I 3,655 I Teen I Steter)

The very weird relationship of Stiles Stilinski and Peter Hale, through the eyes of Danny who is way too new in the werewolf busines to understand anything.

I burn, I pine, I perish by everysundoesntrise 

(1/1 I 6,972 I Teen I Sterek)

Lydia just wants to date Jackson Whittemore, but her father forbids her from dating at all, unless, of course, her new brother Stiles could also get a date. Lucky for her, Derek Hale is single and always in the need for extra cash.

(Loosely based on 10 Things I Hate About You)

Somebunny loves you. by Anonymous

(1/1 I 7,434 I Teen I Derek/Scott/Stiles)

[text to: Danny] Would it still be homewrecking if I slept with both of them? Simultaneously?[Danny] Delete my number.

***McHaleinski fic with werebunny!Stiles that nobody asked for.

Frustration by orphan_account

(1/1 I 9,625 I Teen I Sterek)

"Before, when Stiles had imagined the summer after his Sophomore year, it had been an awesome two months full of late nights gaming at Scott's, the endless freedom of being able to drive himself anywhere he wanted, and — he'd been optimistic — plenty of time spent on dates with Lydia. Oh, how wrong he'd been."

But it's about to get better.

wanna see my lab equipment? 'cause baby, it's so good by thankyouforexisting

(1/1 I 10,152 I Teen I Sterek)

“I need some chloroform,” the hot as fuck stranger says, barely even glancing at Stiles. He’s dressed in all black, and he looks strong, broad-shouldered, his posture ready to spring. “What?” Stiles squeaks, taking a step back, because his dad told him to beware strangers, especially if they’re asking for very illegal substances. Even if they’re gorgeous and looking really fucking sexy in black. Because Stiles is sure he locked the lab. This hot stranger broke into his lab. At 2 am.“I said,” he growls, turning and opening some drawers, maybe to search? “I need some chloroform.”“Um, do you know that’s really, really illegal?”// Stiles is a workaholic, Derek has boxers with baby wolves on them (and actually wears them), Danny mothers everyone, and the President doesn't have time for their problems.

Marzyć by RealityXIllusion

(14/? I 19,071 I Teen I No Pairing)

Stiles has always been an odd kid, if not for his ADHD or his bouts of insanity in regards to research kicks, then because of his secret abilities.OrWhat if Stiles moved to Beacon Hills his sophomore year and everything still happened (with the pack all meeting and getting bit) only the Hale fire had yet to take place. Stiles' new friends try to keep him out of the supernatural world but little do they know that he's already apart of it.

A Light in the Darkness by grimmfairy

(15/? I 36,831 I Not Rated I Stiles/Jackson/Derek)

A month after Scott turns away from Stiles, a month of loneliness and being ignored and guilt and dark feelings, Stiles starts getting texts from Jackson. Jackson is coming back, and he wants to join the Pack. Then he finds out about Scott's actions and goes to Stiles to comfort him and help him get back to a stable place emotionally. When Derek returns, he sparks a connection that has long lain dormant. Jackson wants his life with Stiles and Derek. If he happens to kick Scott's ass and Theo's ass, well, that's just life, isn't it?Excerpt:To Stilinski: Scott wants to talk to you because he thinks everything will just magically be ok. I told him to go fuck himself.

To Stilinski: He's coming to you after the meeting.

To Jackson: Come over?

To Stilinski: On my way.

Revenge, Plain and Simple by jamesm97

(30/30 I 36,993 I Teen I Stackson)

Jackson finds out that, One of the Alpha pack killed his birth parents, high on rage and sexual frustration Jackson's just a time bomb waiting to explode.

Stiles the ever loyal friend ends up getting himself skewered by a metal pole only he doesn't die it awakens a part of himself his mother and father tried to bind away, he's half witch half whitelighter and it's up to the charmed ones to help teach him to control his powers what else are family for anyway?

Move A Mountain by ZainClaw

(9/9 I 69,008 I Explicit I Sterek)

Stiles goes camping with his friends in New Mexico after graduation where they befriend a biker gang led by Derek: a guy whom Stiles can’t decide if he will be either relieved or devastated to never see again once their week is up.

Can't rely on me by Littleredridinghunter

(12/12 I 116,216 I Not Rated I Sterek I Rape)

The pack let him down, that's not really a surprise lately.

When Danny finds Stiles nearly bleeding to death the next day it's the start of a beautiful friendship.

Can the pack make amends before it's too late? Will Stiles ever forgive them for not being there for him when he needed them the most?

Alpha, Mage, Pack by Foxfire2018

(26/? I 307,519 I Explicit I Sterek I Rape)

Stiles was kidnapped and tortured for hours. Yet no one came for him. Hurt and cast out of the pack by people he thought cared for him, what is he to do? He finds himself accompanied by someone he never expected and someone he is eternally grateful for.Derek feels betrayed and foolish for what he allowed to happen. Out of anger and hurt he forced a valuable member he really started to care for out of his pack.With the pack scattered and people hurt, what will come of them? Will they bond together again in time for the next big bad?

[seasaltmemories]

Devil’s Line Review/Analysis

This is gonna be a different beast to tackle for a few reasons A) I actually started this once before and dropped it, B) For a proper analysis I’m gonna have to dive into spoilers, and C) I technically haven’t finished the entire series, as the last volume of the manga isn’t translated (and I will only talk about the manga here) I say this all so you’ll be gentle with me as I pop from subject to subject

To start let’s get that summary:

Tsukasa, a college student, is rescued from an attack by a devil, one of many vampires that can blend in among the human population. Anzai, her savior, is a half-devil who exploits his supernatural gifts as a member of a shadowy police task force that specializes in devil-related crime in Tokyo. As Anzai continues to keep guard over Tsukasa, the two quickly forge a tentative bond—one that Anzai fears will test his iron-clad rule of never drinking human blood …

So I feel like expectations play a lot into how you receive this story and what you want to get out of it.  My first time going in I was told it was a dark fantasy series, and then what I got in the 7 or 8 chapters I read was a lot of faffing about of will they won’t they with the external plot only appearing to be there to drive the main couple together, so I got bored and dropped it

This time I went in not only knowing there would be a lot of romance, but also personally more in the mood for vampire stuff, and kinda meeting it where it was allowed me to see it grow into more interesting ways

The beginning isn’t bad, but I think it is best appreciated when you know up front this is 50% romance and 50% thriller, both genres are equally important to the narrative, but rather than starting out with that ratio, the beginning focuses entirely on Tsukasa’s and Anzai’s blossoming romance, from there a greater plot concerning devils begins to unfold, and then the two really begin to work in sync to prop both sides up

Bc once the ball starts rolling, the plot becomes a high-speed mystery concerning secret conspiracies and questions of who you can trust, what started out simple gets more information added on that complicates matters as you begin to question your own judgement, still what keeps the plot from becoming a jumbled mess is the fact at the heart of the story is always Tsukasa and Anzai, it gives the narrative focus that I’ve see few things series have

I should also mention my first impressions of the romance being shaken bc I am so used to series having couples who are love at first sight yet waste the entire time actually getting together until the end, and while these two basically also have love at first sight and take a while to actually get together, they get together in an overall timely manner, and their relationship is allowed to grow and evolve in very mature ways, not just sexually but also emotionally, a lot of their arc together is learning about how to communicate what they want to the other and as their relationship grows, their strength as individual characters grow as well

Now I’m gonna get into some spoilers, but what turned the series from simply fun into can’t put down is the timeskip

A lot of the elements that I enjoyed were being done before the time skip, but I feel like the skip is what allowed it to reach new heights it just kept hovering up at

Bc slowly as we start from Tsukasa and Anzai, the world expands, first to his colleagues, then to their enemies until it is a large but never burgeoning cast of connections, and the way they keep it all together is that it is grounded by lot of casual little moments to see people just be people, no matter their relation to the protagonists, we are consistently shown the humanity of almost everyone we come in contact with, and as a result it is hard to not fall in love with people who had previously tried to murder your faves (and might still currently be doing so)  and after the timeskip we just get hit with back to back side stories of the cast each going through their own internal problems, while still keeping to focus on Tsukasa and Anzai

Another thing that helps is that the worldbuilding concerning devil’s is extremely well-done, again it starts out simple “they see blood, then transform into monsters, sexual lust is connected to their bloodlust” but not only do we learn devil’s themselves, but a lot about what it means for a world to have a population like this, for example we get a detailed look into the tech created to help devil’s have safe sex with human partners and while it can be easy to poke fun at such specific details, by the end of the series it really does feel like an actual genetic disorder rather than some supernatural stuff with a sciency explanation tacked on

A moment that really made me stop and realize “oh the person behind this must know stuff besides story-telling” was when after and educational lecture about devils, the speaker admitted privately that the model used to describe them was problematic in that it demonized certain sects of devils, like wow, it was a quick moment, but a story showing the struggles of nuanced activism? Then we not only touch upon exploration of devil’s through a social science lens, but the overall philosophy that gets brought up on how to deal with institutional bigotry is interesting (this will be endgame spoilers so if you want to skip this, scroll down until you see bolded words again)

In two separate cases, we see two queer women involved in institutions get asked to do something unethical, both decide that if they refuse then they’ll get fired and someone else will simply take their place, and their goal then becomes to work through the system until they make it to the top and can start openly resisting

The effectiveness of these strategies is intriguing to dig through, the first is a researcher breeding devil/human children to study, (many of the participants being convicts) and from her actions we see her try and inform those involved to the best of her abilities and get their consent, and when possible, try to use couples who are already together, any information that would put individuals at risk of being chosen for illegal experimentation, she destroys, when she becomes the head researcher, she changes the program to rely completely on studying the children of already formed devil/human couples who come to them willingly

The second is asked to head the conspiracy of wiping out all devils, when ironically she is a devil herself, and so what they do is essentially play their part until they’ve amassed enough power to eventually stage a coup, until they can get an insider to be the prime minister to publicly reveal to the world, the conspiracy and have vocal support of devil rights, not only does this plan depend on the actual killing of innocents and riling up actual bigotry, but it also attracts actual cold-blooded killers and violent bigots which complicate matters, and for all their effort, the prime minister gets assassinated right during his big speech 

As I mentioned their is still one volume left untranslated so I don’t know how it will add on to this, (most of the plot lines got wrapped up so I can’t see many major developments happening beyond wrapping up character plot threads) but they’re some juicy thematic questions to chew on as well, which is always a treat

Returning to some general strengths of the series, there really is a genuine sex-positive stance, I say that specifically bc it isn’t just simply exploring themes of sex, but also the way it does so, as mentioned above, there is a lot of baggage around devil’s and their sexual relationships, but a lot of what the characters have to learn is that such desires are normal and not some great abomination, just something they have to be responsible about, no one is shamed for communicating what they want/like, especially women, where multiple female characters are in fact openly encouraged to communicate to their partners that they are interested in sex, and from their we watch multiple couples (including a m/m one) work out what they want, in one neither is interested in romance, but is ok with a friends with benefit thing, two have the male participant be unsure of their feelings and so they work in their comfort zone (one likes physical touch and kissing, another they only hug) the m/m couple not only get screen-time of struggling with the “are you gay, I want to show interest but not get perceived as a creep” deal, but one admits to being repulsed by sex, and they still work out a romantic relationship

And the most surprising amount part of this, is that there is no unnecessary titillation, the eternal question of what is over-sexualization and all can get confusing and tiring, so I won’t define a specific threshold here or say this is the only way to tell such stories about sex, but first you don’t got any unrealistic body proportions on anyone or any creepy shots, everyone is fully clothed and dressed normally for the non-sexy bits, and while we do get a sex scene, it is pretty non-graphic (you got boobs and that is all that it on screen) so there really isn’t any confusing moments like in other stories I’ve experienced where I have to wonder if the framing contradicts its message 

I could go on, but the strength of the story lies within at the end of the day being about normal people just trying to live their lives, it really does seem to capture the essence of what it means to be human effortlessly, and I am just immediately charmed and ready to follow Ryo Handa in whatever other projects she does

[brvdleysaved]

ok first off b4 i say anythin else dnt...... judge bradley’s blog rn i dnt get my laptop bk until wednesday so i am? stranded in a photoshopless land. it’s very tragic. anyway. and scene! je suis... nai oh me..... bk again w probably my fav muse of all time so let us! leap right in! p.s. her pinterest is here

CIS FEMALE — ever hear people say BRADLEY MILLIGAN looks a lot like MARGARET QUALLEY? I think SHE is about 24, so it doesn’t really work. The PSYCHOLOGY major is a SENIOR that is from QUEENS, NY. They can be +ADVENTUROUS, but they can also be -ABRASIVE. I think BRADLEY might be SHEEP. They are living in OFF CAMPUS BUT AFFILIATED WITH BALTA. ( nai. 22. gmt. she/her. )

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of spiced rum, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

father runs a gang n strip club in queens called ‘no angels’ tht fronts an affluent drug trade, primarily coke. his name is tony milligan n his gang is p infamous around there fr being jst like…. completely cutthroat n awful. they were nicknamed ‘tony’s rottweilers’ by locals bc he bsically has all of these trained dogs on leash at his command n they’re still a growing organisation tday

he’s pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story. they had a horrible marriage n tony ws quite violent at the best of times, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else on top of tht, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole mess. anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline frm tht point onwards

she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n sometimes gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

honestly. im probably missing a million things bc i kind of feel like a microwaved shrimp as i write this bt. basically her life is jst the worst a true… abomination! bc im evil like tht sometimes

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u and u murder a man in cold blood she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. a minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. the majority of her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she kind of has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality

speakin of which i feel like she’s bi bt wldnt have dated a girl or anythin. like guys r probably…. her preference just bc historically theyv treated her worse n she hs a very self destructive personality like that. sexy!

dresses like courtney love, 2014 sky ferreira and a character from this is england had a baby. mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hd kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content

personality wise she’s v sarcastic. sometimes blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s quite confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever. sort of independent too like she hs a bunch of friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone if she’s in a certain mood n jst wants…… to get into chaos. she’s probably kind of known around campus/town bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

likes: fishnets, stealing cars, water guns and whiskey

dislikes: amy schumer, honesty, yellow tulips and going home

in terms of Plots

hm. mayb someone tht knows her frm home/queens??? like tht frequents no angels (her dad’s strip club) or picks up frm there or smthn

i feel like she probably deals coke bt its like. Select Dealing. like she doesn’t need....2 do it fr income or anythin she jst. gets bored n is like cool may as well mke some money n possibly get robbed ig! anythin fr the thrill! 

anyone..... shes brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship wtever.... ur muse is like like bradley is. a handful)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily Sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n kicked the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she....... Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[tessatechaitea]

Dark Nights: Metal #1

I thought this series was going to be about how the meta gene is tied into Nth metal and not some fifteen year old metal head's idea of a cool black light poster.

Apparently time travel makes you vomit blood.

I thought the page after that scanned page was going to declare the new age was the Age of the Bat. But it didn't. It declared it was the Age of Metal! After reading that, you're supposed to make guitar noises with your mouth and bang your head and throw up some devil horns. You might even fuck a goat, if you're super cool. I'm not sure when the Age of Metal began. There was the Golden Age and the Silver Age and the Modern Age (and maybe some other metallic ages I don't remember). Perhaps the Age of Metal just means the time when superhero comics began? Or did the Age of Metal start when Peter David gave Aquaman long hair and a hook for a hand? Mongul currently has the Justice League battling for their life on his new Warworld. This takes place almost immediately after Mongul was punched into orbit by General Zod, so editorial demanded that Batman mention something about how this makes no sense, continuity-wise. He doesn't say it to help explain it! He just says it because editorial was all, "You know we're going to get buttfucked hard on this by the Fangenders¹, right? You need to get out in front of this shit." And Snyder was all, "Okay, okay. Batman will be all, 'This doesn't make sense!' But then Superman will be all, 'Stop over thinking things, you stupid fucking hypocritical moron living in your parents' basement and not adding any value to anything because all you do is destroy things with your Internet criticisms!'" And the editor was all, "Yeah, maybe that. But tone it the fuck down. You're sounding like Cullen Bunn anonymously defending his shitty Twat Lobo comics on harsh but hilarious blogs offering valid critical reviews." The Justice League's powers have been rendered inert by...well, it doesn't really matter what by. It's the same old shit as usual. The heroes are too powerful so to create dramatic tension, you remove their powers. Snyder does offer a few ways that their powers can be dampened by invoking red sons and vibration domination technology and Gorgon pasties just so the Fangenders can nod enthusiastically and think, "Yep! Yep! They should have seen this coming! This is just like Justice League #45²! Idiots." Of course, those are the powers with fairly easy explanations for how to suppress them. He doesn't explain how he's keeping Cyborg from utilizing his Mother Box technology. Or how Green Lantern's ring isn't working (although, I mean, really? It's probably just out of charge like in 95% of Green Lantern comic books). And how did he stop Aquaman from talking to fish? Oh, you know what. Mongul probably decided Aquaman could keep his stupid power. Oh, just so Scott Snyder doesn't feel like he was being too subtle, I got it. It's the Metal Age and the entire Justice League is being forced to wear armor by Mongul!

Some of it is super sexy titty fucking armor!

Toyman has also been captured by Mongul, probably because Scott Snyder needed enemies that the Justice League could kill without Batman getting on everybody's dick about murder. Toyman tells Mongul the name of the toys that will kill the Justice League is Fulcum Abominus. Mongul pulls out his dick and begins sucking it because he's smarter than me and that apparently means something to him. I shouldn't feel too stupid though because why should I have known what a fulcum is? I've never owned a Warworld and seemed to have missed the adolescent phase where Roman soldiers intrigued me as much as women's nipples. I suppose the name means the Justice League will be battling an abominable shield wall? A close formation made up of Yetis? Or maybe just a few transforming robots.

Judging by Mongul and the crowd's reaction, the Aegea Formation must be where the Justice League creates an illusion that they're running away. Either that or this is Greg Capullo's way of telling Snyder to fuck off because he's going to draw whatever the fuck he wants.

I'm not four years old so the crowd chanting "Do not run! Pain is fun!" doesn't amuse me. It does make me question why I've spent so much of my life reading comic books though. It's at this point during the battle that I need to apologize to Scott Snyder. It's my first apology of the new season but it won't be my last. The problem with writing the critique as I'm experiencing the "art" is that I tend to point out flaws before the artist has a chance to finish. It's like when I'm in the middle of cleaning a floor and somebody thinks they're the next George Burns and says, "You missed a spot!"³ So, um, my apology is that I assumed Snyder couldn't think of ways to dampen the powers of the other Justice League. But he continues explaining how they've all been shut down. Green Lantern's gauntlet has a mini-black hole. And you know what they say about black holes when they're not making anus jokes, right?! Not even Green Lantern light can escape! Plus it's a mini-black hole so don't worry about how heavy and dense it is. Even though it must be even denser than a non-mini black hole if it can still capture light in its gravitational pull. And Aquaman has lost half of his strength to the vambraces made from glass forged in the heat of Apokolips! Each creature in the Fulcum Abominus has been designed to counter one of the Justice League members. So not only do they not have their usual powers, they have to battle creatures that wouldn't care if they had those powers anyway! Wonder Woman can't even outsmart hers because it has a Cassandra Engine! And we all know what that means! Well, most of us do. Those who don't can always watch old reruns of Red Dwarf. I hope the solution to defeating the Fulcum Abominus isn't to switch opponents because that's been done fifteen thousand times. Although it would be more original than just having Batman defeat them all after the rest of the Justice League are incapacitated. That's been done about sixteen thousand times. I can't think of any other way this conflict might end. Maybe it'll have something to do with the metal! Or maybe Toyman will have programmed the Fulcum Abominus to turn on Mongul once he's done sucking his dick. He'll be drained and distracted at that point! Batman comes up with a plan to be eaten by Toyman's machines. He comes up with it the way Dr. House came up with solutions to his medical mysteries. You know how somebody would say just the right word and he'd sort of glaze over into a fugue state for a few seconds before snapping back and yelling, "I am a genius! You people are all idiots! And this show shits on the scientific process to pander to people who believe intuition is some magic panacea that comes out of the ether!" Anyway, Wonder Woman says "Formation" and Batman is all, "That's it! Formation! These machines were formated by Toymanster! If I reach into the gaping maw of this one, I'm sure to find a WayneTech Emergency Shutdown Switch!" Or something. I mean, there is a button in the creature's throat and it does have a bat on it and Batman does push it. But it doesn't shut the thing off at all. It just makes it eat Batman. By pushing the buttons in the throat of the creature (which Batman realized by knowing that the command to form the fulcum formation was done by a cry from the back of the throat (because Batman knows everything (which means Toyman must know everything because you can't give subtle clues to people who know everything if you're a dumbshit like me...I mean Mongul))), the Justice League turn the machines into Voltron armor. This allows them to "form up" like the Roman formation and turn into a giant robot. Batman is the head, of course. Aquaman is the balls.

Is that why Snyder introduced the stupid rhyming chant earlier when it made no sense because the Justice League wasn't running? Just so Batman can act childish now? Eh, works for me! I mean, I'm the guy who chose to write that Aquaman was the giant robot's balls.

Instead of saying "ass" on the next page, Snyder inserts the title page and credits. Apparently the logo for Metal is a Satanic Hexagram. Can hexagrams be Satanic? They made it into a six pointed star but not so that it looks like the Star of David. It's got some bend to it. But the star is enclosed in a circle with symbols at each point. Those symbols are combinations of Justice League symbols and the bat symbol. So Wonder Wobatman and Superbatman and Aquabatman and Black Computer Batman and Green Lanterbatman and the other one. It's totally metal. Also the word metal is textured like the bumper on a pickup truck. Is that metal? I mean, it's metal, literally. But is it metal, 80's figuratively? When the Justice League return to Earth, they find a mountain has appeared in the middle of Gotham. Apparently it didn't kill too many people because the city somehow made room for it. But Batman is still upset by it for some reason. Probably because he's thinking about how he vowed to never let anybody else be crushed by a mountain after his parents were crushed by that mountain in that alley. The Flash finds a door inside the mountain with a pseudo-Challengers of the Unknown symbol on it. It's an hour glass with most of the sand in the bottom half. That's probably not a good sign, right? Inside the door, they find a cryogenic pod with five people inside. I bet one is a white woman, one is a white man with blond hair, one is a white man with brown hair, one is a black man, and one is white man with red hair! Nearby the pod is Red Tornado. They don't seem to recognize him even though earlier somebody mentioned Aquaman's hook hand. If they remember that, they should surely remember Red Tornado! The Blackhawks appear, led by Lady Blackhawk, Kendra Saunders. Get it?! She's still a hawk! Oh, Scott Snyder! You're so fucking clever! I bet Geoff Johns hates the fuck out of you. It always hurts to be usurped. I imagine. Nobody has ever been able to usurp me. Or wanted to? Lady Blackhawk tells everybody that this is the start of an invasion but she can't tell them who is doing the invading. That's called dramatic tension! It's also called bullshit writing. Just fucking say it, you resurrected nutcase! Instead of revealing cool shit, she spends a few pages taking everybody to Blackhawk Island where she has a map of Grant Morrison's Multiversity. She's all, "Nth metal is this thing that's behind all these things. It's such a crazy thing! Hawkman, the most boring hero in the Multiverse after Aquaman, has been studying it his entire lives! Yeah, you heard me right! I said lives! He decided it didn't come from anywhere in the known Multiverse through assumptions and poor science. Unless over the course of all his lives, he had time to use good science? You know what? Who cares? Just believe me when I say it must have come from somewhere else. He didn't know where until he binged Stranger Things last year and Eleven turned over the Dungeons and Dragons map. That's when he was all, 'A-ha! That's the one place on the map I didn't search! The other side of it! The dark side of it! The Dark Multiverse! And now that I've decided that the known Multiverse is much like a two dimensional representation of it, the other side of the map must exist in reality! A Dark Multiverse!'" "I'm not the worst," mumbled Aquaman.

Ha ha! Wanting proof! How silly!

I like how Kendra wanted proof of Carter's theory which caused Carter to want to prove her wrong. What the fuck does that mean?! You don't prove somebody wrong who just wants some evidence that your theory is reality! You just prove your stupid theory. I already hate this new version of Hawkman. Yes, I'm biased because I've hated every version of Hawkman so I didn't have far to go to hate this one. But I hate him more passionately than I ever hated the other ones and I haven't even met this one yet! The other ones I just sort of hated for no real reason. This one is a scientific idiot. Kendra isn't much for science either. She just found the word wagon over and over again because a wagon would carry a dark beast named Barbatos from the Dark Multiverse into the Non-Dark Multiverse. And then she decided that Wagon was the root of the name Wayne (you know, wainwright? Wains! Wagons!) which must mean that the Wagon was Batman and he was the bad guy. That's when the Blackhawks pull their guns on Batman. But they don't shoot him in the face for some reason. Some heroes they are! Red Tornado begins screaming about the door being left open which probably saves Batman's life. He then flips the fuck out which means he'll be dismembered in a few pages. His stories always end in dismemberment. Batman steals Kendra's Nth Metal and races back to the Batcave to destroy the Multiverse in the pursuit of knowledge. The Nth Metal reveals Carter Hall's diary hidden in Wayne Manor. It's there to tell Batman he was right to pursue whatever he's been pursuing. The mysteries of the Nth Metal, I guess. And once he's been proving right, he's visited by Dream of The Endless. Well. I guess Snyder can still surprise me without me needing to make a snarky comment about how dumb his twist is. I don't know why Dream has appeared but it's pretty cool that he's been allowed back into the regular DC Universe. I'll say this about Metal: it's entertaining and interesting. But it's also built upon the dumb shit that Scott Snyder likes to build his retcons. So far we've learned that the Meta-gene is actually the Metal Gene because Nth Metal is behind all superpowers. We also learned that Nth Metal couldn't have come from anywhere in the DC Multiverse so it must have come from the other side of a two-dimensional representation of the Multiverse. I know that's just a metaphor but I bring it up because it's a metaphor from Stranger Things. The other big twist is that Wayne means wagon. In both the meta/metal and wagon/Wayne plot elements, we see the thing Scott Snyder bases almost all of his stories on. He starts small by looking at words and their meanings to expand those observations into a bigger story. Usually I'm just annoyed by them. But this time, he gets to really fuck around with the DC Universe by making this Nth metal/meta-gene connection and I'm always up for a good buttfucking of the DC Universe. Oh yeah! How can I mention all the word play without mentioning the Dark Nights title of the series? Oh, probably because it's been used before. But this time it's the Dark Nights bring the Dark Knights of the Dark Multiverse! It's boner and/or lubrication inducing! _________________________________________________________ ¹"Fangenders" is my inclusive term for what was once thought of as Fanboys. Being an obnoxious comic book know-it-all knows no gender boundary. ²I don't actually know what happens in Justice League #45. But if you were instantly angry at my lack of knowledge, you're a Fangender. That was the whole point, dum-dum! ³I have a floor cleaning business. This isn't just an analogy of a thing I rarely do. It happens all the time. I'm getting angry just thinking about it! I should probably footnote George Burns as well but what's the point? You have access to the fucking Internet, lazy!

[aerialsquid]

“What the Fuck is Wrong With You”, DC Edition

After a long break I provide you with the further adventures of our favorite Youtube chroniclers of idiocy in a world of capes and jetpack apes. Earlier segments can be found here and here, those wanting to see the actual show can go here.

———

[Open on a split-screen. On one side we see NASH, the host of Radio Dead Air, sitting in a computer chair. He is finishing an e-cigarette. The other side shows TARA, the Mare of the River, Leader of the Hippo Lantern Corps, seated in a large purple chair in front of several large shelves of beakers, vials, and bizarre plants. TARA is cradling DOTTY, a chubby, hairless creature that appears to hold the qualities of cat and hippo in equal measure. ]

TARA: So I heard Grady went on an adventure this week.

NASH: Supposedly. Space Guy showed up, said he needed Grady’s assistance to maintain the balance of the cosmos, and then teleported out.

TARA: Why do you keep letting him do this?

NASH: Means I don’t have to deal with the little bastard for a few days. We don’t have any major supervillains featured on the show this week, so he must be doing something right.

TARA: You’d never catch my kitties maintaining the cosmos.

A VOICE, OFFSCREEN: They’d probably try to eat it.

[Long-time listeners will of course recognize this as THE INVISIBLE DAN, Tara’s partner in crime turned partner in other matters, who resides in a dimensional alignment that renders him undetectable by cameras.]

NASH: Tara, you don’t have kitties, you have genetically modified hippos. You have abominations against God and his creation.

TARA: I won’t hear you say a word against my precious kitty babies.

[TARA firmly cuddles DOTTY. DOTTY makes a horrific rumbling yowl and presents her butt to the camera.]

NASH: Speaking of abominations, let’s get started with the nonsense.

[Patsy Cline’s ‘Crazy’ plays as the split-screen displays the show’s title card.]

NASH: Each week, Catherine and the Radio Dead Air audience go out on the multiversial internet, find all sorts of terrible things, bring them on back for a little segment we like to call “What the Fuck is Wrong With You”. So, Tara. Are you familiar with the phrase ‘cape chaser’?

TARA: Is that like a storm chaser?

NASH: Not unless you want to put your dick in the storm. A cape chaser is basically someone who has a fetish for superheroes. It’s like a sexy cop fetish, except instead of a cop putting you in handcuffs it’s  Zatanna or Hawkman.

TARA: …huh.

NASH: And, you know what, that’s fine. If you and a consenting legal-aged partner want to play Superfriends with each other in bed, that’s great. Just don’t be this guy.

TARA: Does that mean there are supervillain fetishizers? Are there people out there who really want to bang Mr. Freeze?

NASH: If there’s one thing we’ve learned on this show, it’s that everything is a fetish if you try hard enough. Unfortunately this guy wasn’t trying hard enough. From North Carolina, “Man Who Ordered ‘Sexy Batgirl’ Prostitute Arrested by Actual Batgirl”.

TARA: Well, that’s definitely some good method acting there.

NASH: –okay, who wrote this. “This is why you always check under the hood.” Mr. Olson, go to your corner. Go. You’re in journalism time out now. “A Bludhaven man wanted for drug trafficking, assault, and attempted murder eluded capture for several months, until he was tripped up by a completely different vice. Harrison Marshall, age 46, allegedly called an escort service Wednesday night to a hotel in Asheville, North Carolina and put in a request for a woman to come to his hotel room dressed as Batgirl, with the assumption she would then provide sexual services. However, an anonymous tip meant that the woman who showed up at his hotel several hours later was not a prostitute, but the actual Gotham-based vigilante. When Marshall became aware of the situation he attempted to flee and was apprehended by Batgirl who then notified the Asheville Police Department to take him into custody.”

TARA: If you’re on the run from the law, why would you want to hook up with a superhero?

NASH: Some kind of punishment fetish thing? It doesn’t say exactly what services he requested, which bear in mind I’m deeply grateful for.

TARA: Actually, I bet this makes superhero lives easier. You show up to a bachelor party or a Halloween party dressed as your alter go, and when shit goes down you’re already all geared up. Maybe you even get a low quality Party City mask to throw people off the scent.

NASH: Pretty sure we used that excuse back when we were doing the Vampire: The Masquerade LARPs, too. ‘Oh no, I’m not a vampire, I’m just coming back from a costume party and this is extremely realistic fake blood on me’.

TARA: It would make a great way to rob someone.

NASH: Why does it always come back to crime with you?

TARA: A rich asshole puts in an order for a sexy Harley Quinn stripper, Harley Quinn shows up. He probably thinks her beating him up is part of the show, and then she robs his safe.

NASH: Also this part makes it worse. “In addition to his preexisting charges Marshall was also charged with soliciting a prostitute. Police are considering adding solicitation of a minor, but since Batgirl has never disclosed her age publicly and Marshall’s phone call only specified that the prostitute ‘look like her twin’, the charge may not be brought.”

TARA: Oh, crap. She’s like sixteen, isn’t she?

NASH: No idea, but if we can’t tell and he can’t tell I’m going to go ahead and say he’s the kind of guy who needs to stay 100 feet from high schools at all times.

TARA: Ewwwww…

NASH: Staying on the topic of fake spandex brigade but moving away from solicitation of minors, we have yet another appearances of the world’s worst supervillain: Central City Man.

TARA: Dan’s got this theory that all the Central City Men are actually the same man from alternate universes, and the reason they’re all complete morons is that they don’t know how our society works.

NASH: I’m opposed to any theory that lets Central City Man off the hook. 

[sueboohscorner]

#iZombie Season 3 Episode 12 "Looking for Mr. Goodbrain, Part 1," Recap/Review

Behold the second to last episode of the season and there are still so many questions!

Was Vivian actually killed in the helicopter crash? Who killed Wally and his family? How is the Weckler case connected to everything? 

and... just what exactly is Chace Graves up to besides looking incredibly hot?

Last week we found out Harley John’s was turned into a zombie during the scuffle and this week we join him in his bunker where Clive and Liv have secured him and are trying to feed him brains. He’s resistant to acting like the monster he's been turned into- but finally gives in which allows Major to knock him out so they can freeze him until they figure out what to do with him.

Over at the lab, Ravi shows Liv the front page with her face on it. Granted it’s a low-level trash rag but it’s enough to make Liv panic. Ravi gets a sudden visit from Katty, his old boss from the CDC, who is concerned about the article and lets him know as Liv hides under the desk. Katty tells Ravi not to focus on the silly zombie stuff, which apparently got him fired from his last job, and to focus on the new Aleutian Flu virus that’s becoming an epidemic.

Meanwhile, it seems every season is crap on Major season. This guy just cannot catch a break! We all know that Fillmore Graves is the only place the “chaos killer” feels safe ever since "Shady Shawna" posted all his goodies on the internet. Of course, Chace Graves has discovered he is not a zombie and Major gets fired. THANK GOD! Luckily, his boys do not turn against him and decide to throw him one last bro-bash!

“You might be human, but you’re one of the good ones!” -Justin

Peyton and Liv discuss the Weckler case and Liv’s new notoriety.

“A cute monster!” -Peyton (referring to Liv's cover girl look)

Which leads us to the unveiling of OG Liv!

Over at the lab, Liv is running late and Rachel (ugh) pays a visit to Ravi, actually trying to get more information out of him! The nerve of that girl! Ravi tries to get rid of her so she doesn’t see Liv but luckily, Liv arrives tanned and dyed!

The brains of the week arrive and at the crime scene, much to Ravi’s horror, the body of  his old boss Katty, the one that paid him a visit earlier is discovered. She was bludgeoned on the head and stabbed around the corner from a hotel that she possessed a key card to. Let the investigation begin!

Liv wants to know if there is anything weird she needs to know about Katty before she makes her tasty treat. Ravi says nothing except she might find herself attracted to him…Ravi had previously had some hate sex with her a few times.

“So much for nothing weird!” -Liv

Clive brings in Katty’s work things-she was in Seattle working on this flu outbreak thing. Apparently, much of her work is done in bars considering the amount of writing on cocktail napkins. Mostly she had been interviewing people on a flight from Paris to Seattle and there were four passengers she had not finished so it’s off to work for these three.

Ravi in concerned the outbreak may be cause by bio-terrorism and we learn Clive is a MAJOR germaphobe. It’s hilarious!

As they interview the first passenger, Liv gets a vision! It’s literally the best vision ever because it’s of sex-WITH RAVI! #teamravioli (look it up if you don’t get the reference). Awkward!

As sexy as Ravi is, I can see why Liv is disgusted!

The fun continues and she proceeds to gets another one and then she cannot dare look at him anymore.

“Oh, please for the love of all things good and holy just make this stop!” -Liv

The interview continues and we get some racist remarks about a passenger next to her being like Ravi (brown). Of course, when they bring him in he is like a pussycat. They interview him but now Ravi is forced to stand at the back of the room with Clive.

Over at Peyton’s office, Barracus offers Peyton his Chief of Staff position. Mostly because he knows that she knows about the existence of zombies. She is hesitant because she still thinks he might be a murderer but he manages to lower her suspicion.

Over at sulking Major’s, he receives a text from the beautiful Natalie who happens to be in town.

She asks him to meet him at the space needle, but she turns up at his front door wearing a "Chaos Killer" T-shirt and looking smokin’ per usual. Dare we be happy for Major again in hopes his luck will turn around?

“Oh, come on, like I’d be seen at the Space Needle with the Chaos Killer?” -Natalie

Anytime we see a smile like this it never turns out well for him.

So, of course, they sit on the couch and catch up on everything. Natalie thanks Major for saving her and I am sure is about to thank him properly here in the next half hour.

She is gorgeous…

Liv is out looking for clues while dressed to the nines at the hotel bar where Katty was staying. The brains she is on have made her into quite the flirt and she loses her head for a minute and almost goes to bed with a random guy at the bar! Liv!

Back at the lab, Liv still won’t look at Ravi while they are working.

“It’s not my fault we brain banged!” -Ravi        

Peyton stops by to inform Liv of her new offer and Liv encourages it.

Liv heads out to the hotel bar again and chats up a warm body. I am guessing Katty was not too picky about her conquests. She almost goes to his room as well but luckily stops herself. She calls up Justin to solidify their relationship status.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you…we’re zombies.” -Justin

After helping Natalie move, Major gets a rub down from Natalie and pulls a "Raider’s of the Lost Ark" move…nice one Major!

It works and Major and Natalie plan a happy future after she invites him to live with her in Italy. Happy ending?

Over at Harley’s compound, his idiot friends have let his body out of the ice box not knowing he is a zombie. He defrosts on the couch while they watch the news and…I don’t see this ending well for them.

And it doesn’t…

Clive takes Liv to the bar Katty frequented, hoping to spark a vision. She doesn’t tell him she’s been a bar fly there for the past few days but it becomes obvious when she is recognized. Clive doesn’t seem to notice but Liv does realize what she has been doing, and why, when she discovers Katty goes home with a different man every night.

Clive interview the last passenger and discovers a man switched seats with a man in coach so he could sit with his wife. It turns out to be the very seat Katty has scribbled on a cocktail napkin, 17D. Bingo!

Meanwhile, Major's going away party is in full swing and Liv is supposed to meet Justin there but the brain she’s on has other plans.

She actually tries to leave the bar when this happens…

Enough said!

So, the two have flirty drinks and Liv is acting like quite the little seductress. This time she doesn’t have to resist the urges because Chace is a zombie too. So of course, she doesn’t resist and honestly-I can’t blame her!

Meanwhile, Clive has discovered who was sitting in 17D-it just happens to be a friend of zombie child Tatum Weckler. Not only that, Patrice (the passenger on the Paris flight), also happens to be the daughter of Fillmore Graves brass, Carey Gold. This is just too much of a coincidence so I am guessing it’s NOT!

Back at party central, Major is being toasted in the sweetest way before Justin asks to talk to him outside. He’s worried about where Liv might be and well, he really should be.

Back in Chace’s room Liv is feeling a little guilty.

To quote my friend Allyson Alford, “this episode is worth it for the shot of Jason brushing his teeth alone.”

In lieu of more of my boring description of how incredible sexy Jason Dohring (Chace Graves) is, here are some photos for your viewing pleasure…

Chace chats as Liv starts to gather herself to leave. He even tells her he has been thinking about her since the Barracus fundraiser.

But Liv finds a cocktail napkin with Katty’s name and room number written down so…what the hell? Could Chace be the killer? I think Fillmore Graves is behind it.

Mmmm…tough to resist THAT offer!

Back at the party, the boys grow suspicious of a random dude drinking beer that does not seem to belong.

Turns out it’s Harley, fresh off his brain feed and ready to do some damage via suicide vest.

“Zombies are an abomination, that’s what we are abominations!” -Harley

And with that he blows the entire party into teeny bits-Major and Justin are still outside but everyone else (including a bunch of soldiers and Natalie) is inside when it happens.

Talk about going out with a bang!

I know its wishful thinking, but I hope Natalie got out someway! 

To be continued…

Episode Rating: 9 out of 10.

I want to give it a 10, but I am going 9. Only because I wanted to see more Ravi visions (although these was probably too much to cover in this episode so why not a longer season???) and Blaine was not in it which is always a minus in my book!

[hufflepirate]

I just finished rewatching X-men Origins: Wolverine, and like... I get it.  This movie is terrible. I get that. There are massive, MASSIVE continuity problems with the other X-men movies. Like... drive several busses side-by-side through those plot holes continuity problems and WHY IS CHARLES XAVIER WALKING. The choices they made with Deadpool are not just weird they're an abomination, and most of what they did with Gambit was pretty much a waste of his potential. Kayla Silverfox deserved better than the racist Native stereotypes that cropped up around her and also better than being played by a white lady, so bad job, movie. Liev Schreiber's Super Fingernails never once fail to look ridiculous. Emma Frost is apparently?? Native American?? How??  Also, her diamond form looks terrible.  The fact that Dominic Monaghan is in it is weird. It's WEIRD.

But this movie has a special place in my heart anyway, because it was the first comic book movie I went to in the theater after discovering that I liked superheroes in college. I walked out of it thinking “wow, that was kind of disappointing” but still.  Special.  And I obviously didn’t give up on superheroes.

So anyway, here is an exhaustive list of all the things I love about Wolverine Origins: 

All the scenes of Logan being a sweet tormented lumberjack. It's cheesy. I don't care. I love it.

The scene where Kayla drives him to work and demands a kiss before he gets on the truck with the guys and he comes back and kisses her and all the guys make noises like they're teenage boys at school and somebody got called to the office and he just climbs into the back of the pickup and rides off like it's whatever ok whatever he loves her. 

 Logan: *wakes up screaming from a nightmare* 

Kayla: Was it the wars? Which one? 

Logan: All of them 

An actual line actually uttered nonsexually: "Looks like we're gonna need new sheets again, baby." 

The part where Logan is making boards while chewing on a CLEARLY UNLIT CIGAR, which he then refers to as "clean living." 

The part where this time I watched it and I’m about to make more money in a year than Lumberjack!Logan instead of the same amount or less. This isn't about the movie and I still don’t make very much money but this is the most I’ve ever made in my life and that’s pretty great.

"Your country needs you." "I'm Canadian." 

THEY USE THE I'M THE BEST AT WHAT I DO AND WHAT I DO BEST ISN'T VERY NICE LINE I'M PERPETUALLY SHOOK 

 SOMETIMES WHEN HE'S WITH KAYLA HE SMILES AND I DIE 

 I can't watch the part where he's running around naked without thinking of that one behind the scenes story about Hugh Jackman running naked down the hallway and rounding a corner to find a bunch of female crew members waving dollar bills at him.  That was actually from X2, but shhhhh, I still always laugh. 

 EVERYTHING! WITH! THE! OLD! PEOPLE!  (Except the part where they get murdered.  That part is the Worst.)

"Travis, I think there's a naked man in the barn." 

Every line Travis has in the barn is golden I'm not kidding. 

I can't even list all the things I CANNOT HANDLE ABOUT LOGAN WITH THE OLD PEOPLE 

(I'm glad the New and Good Wolverine standalone also has family dinner with kindly strangers bc OH MY GOSH MY HEART.) 

That scene where he blows up the helicopter is Peak cool-guys-don't-look-at-explosions and possibly the last truly great cool-guys-don't-look-at-explosions shot to be presented unironically, unpoisoned by the filmmakers' knowledge of that song. 

Every single thing about that first boxing scene with Blob is 100% terrible. It is Transcendently Bad. Every moment it lasts makes it more absurd. Will.i.am is in it. It's great. 

Did I mention Will.i.am is dressed like some kind of cowboy? Because he is. It is 100% believable, especially the part where his hat kind of looks like it might have a flower on it?

I love Taylor Kitsch. This movie may be a waste of Remy Lebeau, but I love Kitsch and it's nice to remember that time a couple years after this movie came out when we all thought his career might be taking off. I mean, obviously it didn't, really, but still. Good times.

The last 30 minutes are almost irredeemably awful, but the "Nobody kills you but me" line is good. Also everything between Logan and Kayla is Extremely Cheesy but imma be honest I'm here for all of it except the bits where they’re using Cheesy Indian Tropes.  We already talked about that, though.  I especially enjoy the part where she's injured and he literally carries her off into the sunset, but like, before he gets shot.  The 20 seconds of walking before the getting shot is great.