#sex edventures 2019

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Sex inquiry here: I know that the bdsm community as a whole is 18+, but is it normal and okay for teenagers to have bdsm elements to any extent in their sexual experiences?

hey anon,

I want to start answering this question by talking about words, because they means thing and those meanings are often important. I don’t like using the word “normal” when I talk about sexuality, because in that context it’s a functionally meaningless word. I also don’t like using the word “okay,” because that’s a word that, to me, carries an inherent moral judgement and (with a few outstanding exceptions) I’m not interested in or willing to pass judgement on how other people experience their sexuality.

rather than “normal” and “okay,” I prefer to deal in “healthy” and “safe.” and if we’re talking about then no, as a sex educator and as a person in general I don’t think minors participating in BDSM is healthy or safe. 

don’t get me wrong; two seventeen year olds playing around with one partner wearing a blindfold or a little light, consensual spanking isn’t going to hurt anyone. but teenagers have absolutely no place in the more hardcore, involved scenes or dangerous kinks - impact play, heavy bondage, fire, etc - that take place within BDSM circles. 

conscientiously navigating those experiences requires practice and experience that takes time - and no high schooler on the planet should have been exposed to that yet, let alone had time to learn it. (seriously - if you’re a minor and an adult is offering to teach you how to tie knots for bondage or something, you need to get as far away from that adult as possible, and any responsible BDSM practitioner would agree.) 

emotional intelligence is also key to navigating scenes, communication during (or, being able to read your partner’s tells if engaging in pre-negotiated non-communication and/or roleplaying), and the aftercare. I love young people with all my heart and will never stop talking about how smart they are, but those kinds of interpersonal skills and the ability to safely practice intimacy are still developing in teenagers. 

any and all sexual experiences can be overwhelming in a variety of ways - sensory, emotional, mental, physical, etc - and require a lot of learning and fumbling to get right, and that’s before you add in other components like BDSM. I’m not here to judge any teens for what they’re doing, and I’m also fully aware that I’m just a funnyman blog with no ability to actually stop anyone from doing what they want. but or a variety of reasons no, I don’t think BDSM is something safe or healthy for teenagers to be engaging in.

also paging @foxy-voxy to weigh in on this if she’d like, since she has more firsthand experience than I do and I trust her to make course corrections if I’ve missed the mark anywhere.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey here’s a friendly periodic (pun intended) reminder for folks with breasts and menstrual cycles:

it’s normal for your breasts to feel extra uncomfortable right before and during your period. soreness, aching, tenderness, heaviness, even a feeling of lumpiness within the breasts is completely typical. 

I’m not saying this to tell people not to take their pain seriously - and if your discomfort is severe enough to interfere with your ever day life, absolutely talk with a healthcare provider - but because sudden discomfort in the breasts can be pretty alarming if you don’t know why it’s happening. 

personally, I had a breast lump scare a few years ago and I’m still very sensitive about any kind of anomalous discomfort in that area. I hate wearing bras but usually end up wearing a sports bra for a good chunk of my period, just because it’s easier than worrying about my breasts feeling weird for hours on end.

tl;dr: if your breasts suddenly start feeling weird near your period, don’t panic. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey so I recently found out that I, as many others, have herpes. No big deal for me, but for the sake of the people I interact with I have two questions: 1) can herpes be dangerous in any way or is the “worst” thing little wounds around mouth/genitals? And 2) can herpes only transmit while I have a wound caused by herpes? Is it safe to share cups/cutlery with someone when there is no wound? Thanks! And I’m sorry if my terminology is off, I got sex ed in my native language, which isn’t English

hi anon,

first off, I want to congratulate you for being so proactive in seeking information and for recognizing that herpes is a very common thing that lots of people are living with! there’s a lot of stigma and misinformation about herpes and how “bad” it is, and it’s great to see you taking such a open approach to learning more.

one:

herpes is generally not considered a “dangerous” STI. itchy sores - the small wounds you’ve noticed - tend to be the worst of it. they will come and go in waves called “outbreaks.” the majority of people with herpes report that the first outbreak after contracting herpes is the worst; after that, they tend to be lighter, shorter, and less uncomfortable, and sometimes never even come back at all. (note: these people still have herpes, even if they don’t show symptoms.)

there are two types of herpes (herpes simplex virus-1 and herpes simplex virus-2) and if you have HSV-2 there’s a chance you may also experience some symptoms that feel a lot like the flu: feeling tired, cold, or even feverish during your outbreaks. 

whichever strain you have, if the symptoms do become too painful or difficult to manage on your own there is medication that can help reduce their severity. (note: this medication doesn’t get rid of herpes, which i currently uncurable; it just makes it easier to manage.) if you have questions about that, it’s best to talk with a doctor or other healthcare provider about getting a prescription.

two:

herpes can be spread at any time, whether you have open sores or not. however, the times when you have open sores are when it will be most easily spread. some people with herpes prefer not to have sex at all during outbreaks, but it’s up to you if you want to do that or not. 

whenever you do chose to have sex, it’s important to remember to use protection such as condoms or dental dams to put a barrier between your genitals/mouth and your partner. barriers aren’t always 100% effective at preventing the spread of herpes, but they do help reduce the chances.

herpes cannot be spread by sharing a drink or cutlery with another person; that’s still 100% safe. only direct skin-to-skin touching like kissing and vaginal, oral, or anal sex can cause herpes to spread. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

This question may be incredibly silly but I'm not sure who else to ask. I've read before that the vagina is actually only about four inches deep. If that's true, then what about when something longer than four inches (penis, etc) is inserted all the way? Where is it going exactly?

hey anon,

there’s no such thing as a silly question! and I’m glad I’m here to tell you, because the answer is super cool.

it’s true that the average vaginal depth is only about two to four inches, but that’s only when the vagina isn’t in a state of arousal - basically, when it’s just hanging out, chilling, minding it’s own business. 

during sexual excitement, the vagina undergoes all kinds of changes as blood flows to different body parts and hormones get pumping. one of the most drastic changes is invisible, since it takes place entirely inside the body: the vagina gets bigger to comfortably accommodate penetration.

quoth our friends at Clue:

During sexual excitement, the vagina expands by lengthening and widening in shape. This is called vaginal tenting and ballooning. This shape change happens as the uterus and cervix are drawn higher into the pelvis, which creates more space and moves the cervix farther away from any semen that is ejaculated into the vagina. This allows time for the semen to mix with female genital fluids, stimulating the sperm to undergo the physical changes necessary for fertilizing an egg (9).

when tenting, the vagina can be as deep as eight inches - perfectly comfortable for the average penis, which tends to be about five inches when erect. 

this isn’t a foolproof system, of course, and there will always be some partners whose bits might not fit perfectly together on the first try. but that’s where things longer than four inches go - the vagina makes room!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

well, about political lesbianism possibly used for good -- when i first heard the term, i thought it was about straight women in power pretending to be lesbians to normalize it and make it more difficult for men in power to take away rights of lesbians who didnt have as much social clout. or straight women partnering with lesbians or other lgbt supportive straight women, specifically to advocate for gay rights. then i found out what it actually was and was a little disappointed.

so I guess maybe the lesson here is that we should take five seconds to google a term and know what it means before we talk about it being a good thing, actually

also not to be like, a remorseless killjoy, but straight women pretending to be lesbians doesn't strike me as a particularly great thing. the purpose of straight cis allies is to stay in their lane and use their privilege to help LGBTQ folks, not LARP as queer people to pull a gotcha on their fellow cishets.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey i can’t remember if i asked this question before but either way your blog got nerfed so i guess i can ask again: is it safe to use an electric toothbrush on my clit/vagina in general? (obviously i’d only use that toothbrush for masturbation purposes) + is it safe to insert the toothbrush in my vagina while it is running?

very important follow up question: are you using the bristled part or nah?

if you want to use the bristles I really, really wouldn’t recommend it. there’s a reason that even the most ribbed sex toys tend to be made of something smooth, and that’s because things that aren’t smooth tend to, in the most medical terminology possible, fuck your vagina right up. 

obviously everybody’s tastes are their own, and if you like a scratchy and abrasive feeling that’s your business. but rotating bristles could wreak absolute havoc on your genitals, particularly the inside of the vagina. microabrasions - tiny tears forming inside the vaginal wall - can happen even during the most cautious of sex, and while infection is rare, they’re definitely not comfortable ad frequently cause irregular bleeding. I imagine it would be similarly rough on your clit, which is incredibly sensitive, and I can’t in good conscience sign off on something that I know is almost certainly going to tear up your body every time you use it.

however, if you’re talking about removing the bristles and using the other end, safely covered with a condom, have at it. it’s scarleteen approved!

tl;dr: do not put bristles in your body.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I feel really stupid asking this but as someone with a vagina how do I tell that I've orgasmed?

hi anon,

I’ve never been more frustrated to have my entire old blog lost to the internet aether, because I’ve done a lot of writing re: orgasms that I’d love to be able to link you to right now. I’m even more frustrated that I can’t copy paste the entire first chapter of Lux Alptraum’s Faking It as a response, because although it might be unwieldy and a little time-consuming, I think it would be a fitting answer. 

in short: when you ask questions like this you might run into a lot of sources scoffing about how “if you have to ask, you haven’t had one.” that is, with all due respect, bullshit. what I’m going to tell you is that if you feel finished, it’s probably safe to assume you’re finished, whether that involves an orgasm or not.

let’s break this down:

despite what TV orgasms and Cosmo covers will tell you, an orgasm isn’t an explosive, screaming, all-consuming event for every person who has one. sometimes it’s just a little shiver, or a sense of relief that a figurative itch has been scratch, or even less than that. orgasms for folks with vaginas and clits exist all over a spectrum, and bigger doesn’t equal better. 

it doesn’t even have to be the most important part of sex - in fact, I’d advise against making it anyone’s top priority. at the end of the day, an orgasm is nothing but a system of biological responses to stimuli. they involve blood flow, and nerve endings, and muscle contractions. it’s not very sexy, and it’s certainly not something anyone has a lot of control over. worrying too much about whether you’re approaching orgasm, if you’re going to have one, if you’re taking too long - all of that is the kind of pressure that turns sex into a goal-oriented activity rather than a mutual exploration and enjoyment with your partner(s).

perfectly good sex without orgasms exists. awesome sex without orgasms exists. some people have a hard time cumming with partners, some people have a hard time cumming, period. that doesn’t in any way diminish their ability to enjoy intimacy and sensation and sex, unless they’ve decided that orgasm is the only sign of “good sex.” 

how do you actually tell if you’ve had an orgasm? varies wildly from person to person. I genuinely cannot tell you what it looks like for you. but I can tell you the best way to tell if you’re having good sex, whether it’s with yourself or other people: find what feels good, do it for as long as it feels good, and then have a lovely day. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi! i watched ur stream last night (not live sadly) and... ngl when i heard the actual definition of "political lesbianism" i lost some brain cells. and i'm not wrong in saying that it uses... straight-up homophobic rhetoric... am i? "sexuality is a choice" "lesbianism is The Ideal" "straight women should just swear off men and bisexuals are just confused/can be "converted"" "ur not a True Feminist *cough* Good Christian *cough* if ur not a lesbian" like...? it all sounds horribly familiar.

I don’t know if homophobic is precisely the right word for an ideology that places relationships between women as the pinnacle of feminist praxis, but it is… complicated. let’s break it down!

right off the bat, political lesbianism is obviously biphobic as hell; if you’ve seen the stream you’ve already heard me elaborate on the ways political lesbians dismissed bisexual woman as, essentially, class traitors unwilling to give up hetero privilege to be Real Feminists. so that’s bad!

political lesbianism, especially the original 60s flavor, also had a complicated relationship with actual lesbians. it’s not an explicit part of the ideology, but many who embraced the idea that lesbian relationships were inherently free of the toxicity of heterosexual relationships were also opposed to butch and femme lesbians on the (tired) grounds that they were reinforcing patriarchy by conforming to heteronormative gender roles. so that’s obviously, you know, some unpleasant intracommunity policing right there.

many political lesbian arguments were also tinged by a vague mistrust of sex in general as a corrupt power system, and the types of relationships between women that were most glorified in these discussions were essentially chaste life partnerships without anything overtly sexual about them, which seems more than a little like erasure. we probably shouldn’t be surprised; there’s a pretty clear progression between “any woman could be a lesbian if she tried hard enough” to “actually lesbians don’t even like having sex that much, they’re too pure for that.”

so, that’s a lot. in conclusion? definitely biphobic. maybe not strictly homophobic, but definitely very interested in policing lesbian identities and punishing anything that deviates from a very specific definition of political acceptability. calling it out as conservatism with a gay hat is not, I think, inaccurate. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

So, I kinda 'lost my virginity' yesterday and honestly? Overrated and underwhelming. Was fun, will do it again, but either I'm too ace for this or society just REALLY mystifies this whole thing for no good reason. Why am I telling you this? Because you're basically the first person who comes to mind when I think about virginity being a useless concept.

hey, I really appreciate you sending me this! completely 100% sincerely, nothing makes me happier than people associating me with complex and messy thoughts on virginity and rushing to share with me lmao.

I’m also really, REALLY happy to hear that you know an underwhelming first sexual experience is perfectly normal, okay, and not inherently a sign that something’s gone wrong. tons of people, whether they’re asexual or not, find that the first time they have sex doesn’t really live up to the hype, and there’s a good reason for that - no one on earth is an expert the very first time they try something! even if it’s perfectly fun and enjoyable all around, you’ll only get better with practice. treating the sexual debut as the end all be all of sexual experience sets people up for disappointment and failure.

and, more importantly: as you’ve evidently discovered, even a perfectly positive first sexual encounter doesn’t fundamentally change your life or who you are as a person. it’s fine to have sex, say “huh, neat,” and carry on. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Idk if you could answer this, but maybe your followers could? I was wondering if certain parts of gender dysphoria could go away eventually? For ex, if you cut your hair short b/c long hair gives you dysphoria, could it be a thing where you realize sometime down the line that long hair is no longer dysphoric for you? I'm just having some Thoughts rn, idk

hi anon,

anyone who has more personal experience can absolutely feel free to chime in on this, but if I’m understanding your question correctly then yes, that’s entirely possible. 

although this obviously isn’t the case for all dysphoria, certain things that are unbearably uncomfortable right now could be no biggie in the future as your relationship with your body and sense of self continue to develop and grow.

most importantly: even if what you’re experiencing doesn’t sound like the experiences of other people with dysphoria, that doesn’t mean that you’re in the wrong. everyone is living their own life and feeling their own feelings, and your milestones are your own. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

do you think political lesbianism could ever be used for good and not evil?

not really? I don't think there's anything positive that can come from seriously stratifying one sexual orientation or behavior as innately superior to others.

let me be clear: lesbians are obviously great. straight women who willingly adopt celibacy for ideological or other personal reasons are fine, if that's what works for them. but positing either of these as the One True Feminism and everything else as a flawed shortcoming - which is what political lesbianism is - is flawed, wrong, and frankly violent towards all non-lesbian women.

I'm asking this out of genuine curiosity and a desire to gain your perspective, not to be antagonistic: what kind of good do you think could potentially come from that?

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey sex witch! Why do speculums hurt me but penetrative sex only causes very minor discomfort?? (I'm not really concerned I just thought it was interesting and wondered if you'd be able to explain!)

probably because a.) sex is (ideally!) a lot more enjoyable than a pelvic exam ad b.) at risk of sounding obvious, a speculum works very differently than a finger, penis, or penetrative sex toy. 

let’s talk about arousal, and what it has to do with any of this. sexual arousal isn’t just a state of mind; it’s a series of physical responses to external stimuli that takes place in your entire body. that includes some neat things like the secretion of natural lubricant to make things smoother and more comfortable, and the vagina actually expanding to be more accommodating (it’s called tenting!). arousal also helps relax the muscles in your pelvic floor, which is ideal, since those muscles can make penetration painful or outright impossible if they don’t relax enough.

all of which is to say: you can put any number of things in your vagina, but it’s going to be a lot easier and more enjoyable when your whole body and mind are actually into it and actively working together to make it happen. even if you’re 100% on board with a pelvic exam - as you should be! - since it’s a decidedly unsexy undertaking (for most people) your body’s not going to be doing you many favors re: making it easier.

and, again, it’s also worth remembering that sexual pentration and a speculum do very different things. other genitals, fingers, sex toys are only being placed inside the vagina, and tend to be made of softer, vagina-friendly materials. the speculum is holding it open wide enough for someone else to look inside, and is much less soft. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi sex witch (tw for sexual assault). kinda tmi but i didnt know who else to ask. How do you know if youve experienced sexual assault? My gf and I have sex even though I dont want to, but I dont tell her no, and she gets pushy if I do. Before we got together she promised we didn’t need to have sex (im ace) but one night I was drunk and we had sex and decided to get together and now its been 2 yrs. I don’t know if it even “counts” bc its not penetration and we dont do it often, but idk what to do

hi anon,

this is a tricky one. for all that conversations about consent boil things down to a clear cut “it’s either rape or it’s not,” there can be a lot of fuzzy area between clearly consensual sex and assault. a lot of sex in that territory falls under the heading of “sex that happened even though I didn’t strictly want to be having sex; now what?”

one thing I want to say right off the bat - penetration is not ever, ever, ever required for sexual behavior to “count.” whatever you’re experiencing is not only real but also clearly causing some distress, and that means it counts as far as I’m concerned. 

I also want to make something very clear here: your asexuality is not the problem here. I’ve heard of and from asexual folks who participate in sex in all kinds of ways that complicate notions of consent in ways that work perfectly well for them. my favorite explanation came from an ace individual who I met at a conference, who introduced me to the term “informed consent.” they used it as an alternative to “enthusiastic consent,” their reasoning being that while they were never bursting at the seams to have sex, they were able to decide when and how they wanted to participate in sex with their partner without any pressure or coercion. 

that brings us to the problematic element here: it’s your girlfriend. I want to be absolutely clear about this: anyone, of any sexual orientation and any gender, is in danger when they’re in a relationship with someone who gets “pushy” if they say no to sex. respecting a partner’s “no” is a basic requirement of respecting them and their bodily autonomy, and failing to do so is a Huge Red Flag.

I can’t tell you if you’ve been assaulted, because that’s a huge and very messy question. legally, at least in America, the answer would probably be no, especially if you didn’t verbally say no or try to physically resist. my own personal take is that you’re perfectly at liberty to define what you’ve experienced however you like, but that regardless of whether or not you consider it an assault you’ve definitely experienced coercive and manipulative behavior. 

I can’t make you do anything, but my 100% sincere advice is to break up with her and put as much distance between the two of you as possible. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch! I'm pretty sure you've answered this but it was on the old blog, can you (briefly) explain squirting to me? I don't really understand how it happens and the internet has conflicting views

it’s not just the internet! sexperts - including educators, healthcare providers, sexologists, researchers, etc - across the board have different opinions about the phenomenon of squirting (or vaginal ejaculation), and the best I can explain it is by telling you why I can’t, strictly, actually explain it. 

essentially: some people with vaginas find that during sex - sometimes but not always tied to orgasm - they release enough fluid for it to be noticeable and, sometimes, embarrassing. sometimes embarrassing enough to swear off sex forever. Eve Ensler’s 1996 play “The Vagina Monologues” features a monologue called “The Flood” that was based on an older woman who had sworn off sex when she was very young, after kissing a boy in his car and unintentionally releasing a “flood” of fluid all over his car seats. although it’s not named as ejaculation or squirting, it sounds pretty familiar to anyone aware of the phenomenon.

most people who experience squirting don’t go so far as to stop having sex forever, but it can be alarming and embarrassing for those who aren’t prepared for it and think they might have just peed themselves in the middle of solo or partnered sex. one test that’s often recommended to differentiate between urination and squirting is to go to the bathroom immediately before sex and then see if squirting still occurs. while going to the bathroom before sex is never a bad idea, this strategy isn’t exactly foolproof. 

the two leading theories re: “what is vaginal ejaculation?” are currently a.) urine and b.) some elaborate fuckery involving the Skene’s gland. this article does a good job of breaking down both, but let me explain it briefly for those who don’t feel like clicking a link.

a.) the urine theory 

so, back to urinating before sex not being foolproof. essentially, studied were done that included having vagina-owners urinate, doing an ultrasound to make sure the bladders were empty, letting them enjoy a bit of sexual arousal, and then checking on that bladder again. in many participants the bladder had refilled partially or all the way during arousal again - and was empty again after they squirted.

hmm.

so that’s a compelling case for urine, and it is the theory backed up by twitter’s favorite gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter. but hang on - wouldn’t all these people KNOW of they were persistently pissing themselves during sex? and why do so many people describe ejaculate in terms that sound so unlike urine - namely, being colorless, odorless, and sometimes creamy? that doesn’t sound like urine at all. 

well...

b.) the Skene’s gland

today on Vaginal Anatomy Is A Lot More Complicated Than Your Sex Ed Class Taught You: the Skene’s glands are found inside the vagina but have openings in the vulva on either side of the urethra. Their primary known purpose is creating lubricant for the urethra, which possibly helps prevent infections. they’re also surrounded by tissues that swell up with blood during arousal - sexy.

even sexier? they MIGHT be the source of vaginal ejaculation. Michael Castelmann gets into detail about it here, but the short version is that there’s some spicy evidence to suggest that the Skene’s gland may be roughly analogous to the prostate, and that vaginal ejaculation is pretty much the same substance as penile ejaculation save for the absence of sperm. 

as with many issues related to folks w/ vaginas, there’s not a rock solid answer and there may not be for a long time, because there’s a massive discrepancy when it comes to whose bodies are prioritized in research. personally I think there’s plenty of space for both of these theories - and others that we haven’t even hear yet - to be perfectly true at the same time. human sex and bodies are messy, and sometimes answers are multitudes. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey sex witch, I've got like a question (obviously). I'm a vaginal owner and I've noticed I smell like, not great, down there, but its p strong. I'm on testosterone so I'm not worried about why it smells different now, but was wondering if you had any advice about keeping the stink down? Like a deodorant or something- I already keep good hygiene, and I know the smell is natural but I'm feeling very self-conscious and gross about it at work. Any tips?

hi anon,

I’m sure you didn’t mean it literally but please, for the love of god, don’t put deodorant anywhere near your genitals. anything scented is a big no, because those kinds of products have a nasty habit of fucking your vagina’s natural bacterial balance right up, which can cause infections and (ironically) an even worse smell. we can’t be having that!

as long as your bathing and washing regularly you’re good, but may find it helpful to use some gentle, unscented wipes once or twice during the day just to keep things feeling fresh around your vulva. skip the summer’s eve shit and go straight for the cheapest baby wipes you can get your hands on; if they’re safe for babies they’re safe for you. 

if you’re still worried about other people noticing a smell (unlikely, given that we tend to be much more conscious of our own bodies than anyone else is, but your worries are real) you may want to experiment with wearing a cologne, perfume, or other personal scent as a bit of a stealthy concealer.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

so uh I feel a little embarrassed to send this but. So basically I have just, for whatever reason, become v horny as of late and I don't know why and I don't know how to channel it as I have no partner and I have a lot of religious guilt tied to sex so hookups are out. All of this is basically pretense to say that I want to uh. Know how to masturbate? Except I've tried it before and it hasn't gone all that well and also bc of said religious guilt I feel weird actually uh. Fingering myself? (1/2)

hi anon,

I didn’t get the second half of this ask, because tumblr sucks, but I’m going to do the best I can with what I’ve got.

I’d recommend watching clinical sexologist Lindsey Doe’s video about how to masturbate as a nice, judgement-free starting point. if you find this helpful, she has several more video about masturbation, including a variety of tips and tricks to try out and figure out what you like.

unfortunately, no amount of instruction can absolve you of that good ol’ religious guilt all by itself. that can be complicated to work through, but immersing yourself in sex positive resources can help. watching youtube videos like Lindsey Doe’s or otherwise engaging with work where sex is discussed in a casual, honest, and upbeat manner can really help normalize your own relationship with sexuality and desire.