#seriouslyalotoffighting

[lifebeginsbyleaving]

Hurt me now or Save me

This story is for the sterek week prompt lyrics and quotes. There are two songs for this oneshot.

Hurt me now, by Quinn Lewis is from Stiles POV and his side of things.

 Save me, by Noah Kahan is Derek's POV/ internal feelings.

If you can I would recommend listening to them first then while reading.

Thanks! Hope you like it.

                                   Carter☺

"Stiles- Stiles just STOP!"

Stiles' flurry of movement and rush of words stopped. There was a distance between them this time that felt different, insurmountable.

Derek looked like speaking pained him. "Just stop. You're too loud. I'm tired of this. Stiles we're nothing. This is nothing, it has always been nothing-"

"Der how can you sa-"

His objection only served to make Derek more determined. "You're nothing to me."

Stiles' adamancy disappeared to be slapped with a look of broken betrayal and sorrow.

Stiles' eyebrows were furrowed in pain and Derek's were wide with a look of shock, unbelieving in the hurt he inflicted.

Stiles' mouth gaped and his voice shook. "I- I- I'm nothing? In all our fights I've been annoying, inconvenient, a bastard, a shit, intolerable, an asshole, but I have never, ever, been nothing to you. But maybe that is what I am. Maybe I'm just wasting my time. Maybe I've wasted all this time confusing you not wanting to be saved for really not worth being saved. I wanted to believe it so bad. That you could love me, but you can't, can you?" He felt his stomach drop out as he went to turn away.

Derek caught his arm. "Wait. That's not- I didn't- I didn't mean it like that."

"No, no it's okay." He had a bitter smile on his face. "I know I've already hit the ground. Come on Derek, don't pull any punches. I already know. You said we should just let it go." Stiles snatched his arm back.

Derek remembered void Stiles having more emotion in his eyes than he did now.

Derek desperately grabbed for his hand, but again Stiles pulled away.

"I'm nothing." He nodded his head minutely. "Okay. Consider this me letting it go."

"Fuck Stiles don't leave. I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make things worse. Please just stop!"

Stiles didn't even flinch at him shouting as he grabbed his keys of the counter.

Tears blurred his vision as he drove. He was turning corners sharp and fast. It always ended like this when Stiles was holding out for something that would never come, but maybe it should actually end this time. A plume of smoke from the engine had him pulling over. He punched the wheel once he was stopped. "God! Why does every thing I love break down!" He dropped his head against the wheel. As he sobbed his mind forced all the memories from their fights to be replayed.

****************************

"Don't be a dumbass Stiles!"

Stiles looked around at the pack with a look of incredibility. "Me?! I'm being a dumbass?! No. No sir. That would be the stupidwolf that thinks he can run out of the blast radius in less than three seconds! I don't care if you're Barry fucking Allen you aren't getting out of there before you get blown to bits! And I will not le-"

"You won't let me what? You Stiles Stilinski what exactly won't you let me do? We aren't debating why you won't let me go, I'm asking how you think you could stop me?"

"We both know I am more than able to stop you."

Lydia's eyes shifted swiftly from one to the other with an edge of uncomfort. "Alright boys you're both special. Now can we please calm down.

Derek scoffed haughtily eyes not even leaving Stiles'. "You mean your little sparklers Deaton lets you set off time to time?"

Stiles' eyes glowed a bright purple as he snarled more wild than any wolf. His fingers twitched as he spat his words. "I'm not afraid of you anymore. Let's go sourwolf. Let's see if you've gotten any immunity to electricity." Threatening purple sparks flickered off his hands. "Oh wait, no. We both know you don't. Still why don't we try. From what you've told me it sounds like fun. She had fun with you didn't she?" Stiles took a threatening step forward.

It was like all the air got sucked out of the room. They all knew he went to far. There was no taking that back. There was no easy way to unthaw the chilling defensive look Derek gave him.

Scott jumped in between them and locked eyes with Stiles. "Enough. Calm down." Derek growled. He looked to Derek. "Both of you."

Stiles was almost always the last one out from a pack meeting except for Isaac, but it still shocked Scott as everyone trickled out how he remained.

"Hey dude do you want to come over to my place to hang out?"

"That sounds good bud. I'll meet you there later."

Scott frowned. "No I was thinking now." Scott let his eyes very obviously drift towards the kitchen where Derek was.

"No I'm cool bro. Go get everything set up. I'll be there." Stiles patted his chest.

"Stiles he might need some time. You shou-"

"I know what I should do. Do you? I'm really cool dude. Go." He spoke with only a fraction of the edge he had before, but Scott still felt the sharpness in his voice.

Scott reluctantly headed out. "Call if yo-"

"I know."

There was silence for several minutes.

"Did you just Solo Scott?" Derek spoke walking into the kitchen drying his hands on a towel.

"He deserved it."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "No he didn't." He put the towel around his neck.

"No he didn't." His eyes met Derek's pleadingly. "No he didn't. I'm sorry."

Derek shrugged. "He didn't, but I did."

Stiles looked remorseful as he shook his head. "No you didn't."

He smiled. "It's okay. Anyways come help me with dinner."

Stiles grabbed his hand and he turned back. "Hey you need to quit this habit of shutting me out. Let me in."

Stiles stared into Derek's eyes with an intense searching look.

"Derek, you didn't deserve that." Stiles grabbed one side of the towel with each hand and pulled his head down. He rested their foreheads together. "I used what I knew about your past against you, to hurt you, to torture you just like she did, and that was not okay. That was horrible of me and I'm sorry. You did not deserve that."

"Okay."

"Do you actually believe that? Do you actually see what I do?"

He huffed. "To be honest? I don't know. I don't know if I believe it. I don't know why you bother. Why do you try and save me when I have only made things worse for you? And sometimes I wonder 'Am I being selfish?' Because when you say things like that to me I don't care. I don't care if I'm worth it."

Stiles intertwined their hands. "Believe it. I bother because you don't always make things worse for me. You can make them so much better. You are worth it."

***

"Stiles you need to leave me. Go. Figure a way out I know you can."

"You bet your ass I can. I'm going to figure a way out for both of us."

"No Stiles just go. It's okay I deserve this. Remember how angry you are at me? I left with out you. I did this to myself. I keep ignoring you. I keep leaving you and the pack. I deserve this."

"What?! Derek oh my god, I'm a moron! No, that's not what I meant. You don't! I just- I was angry. I didn't mean what I said.  And I'm not leaving you so don't waste your energy."

Derek would need all of it. Attached to his legs was a weight and in the numbing water of the lake they were trapped in by a magical ice dome, they were freezing. Stiles arrived and blasted through the ice as Derek was drifting down once again. He was getting too tired from having to swim up while being pulled down. The water was so frozen it felt like icicles stabbing into his flesh. He was tired of fighting. He had just made things worse with the Asle fae.

"Stiles u-use your agic like you did to g-get in. Get o-ou go. Don't b-b-bother. Let m-me go."

"Uggh can yo-ou just shut up. I'm trying to think. I'm never going to stop saving you, so a little help would be appreci-ciated. Besides it was a one way trip. The only way I'm g-getting through that ice is if so-someone lets us out or if you break u-u-us out."

"W-what? You're so sup-pid! Why ould y-you do that?"

Stiles was sick of this fight. They've had it so many times. "Because you're pack, and that means no matter how w-worthless you think you are if you're dr-drowning in a lake I'll always reach for y-your hand dum-m-mbass."

Derek was too tired and cold to argue. "Why can't you j-just bur-rst through ag-gain?" Stiles could hear Derek's teeth clattering together, or was that the echo of his own? He couldn't tell and he was just so cold.

"Because I had heat out there. My magic n-needs balance, but it needs at least a spark of something to balance against. I can't create someth-thing out of nothing I just f-fan the flickers into flames and w-weaken the flames to flickers to even out or manipulate the balance. And I don't kn-know if you'v-ve notic-ced, but n-no heat h-h-here."

Derek passed out and in the quiet he heard the muffled roars of the Asle.

Stiles kept shaking him and clutching him close to his chest trying to wake him up. "D-d-d-der jus-st wake u-up!"

"Sti-Stiless I-I I um itz c-c-col. I'm ir-ired"

"Hey! H-hey. No. N-no, don-n't d-do this. Pleasse just hang o-on." Stiles was also shivering, but his shakey hand gripped Derek's. "We-e need to ju-ju-st hang on t-t-till the pack fi-finds us."

"Ake i-ine."

"Wh-what? D-d-d-derek! W-wake up!"

Derek woke back groggily. "T-take m-m-m-m-my he-heat. T-take M-m-ine."

Derek blacked out and then he woke up on a table at Deaton's with a gasp. "Stiles!" He looked around wildly at the concerned faces of his pack. Well, some of, Scott, Lydia, Erica, and Stiles were all missing.

Derek spoke with a broken voice. "No." Derek shook his head. "Where is he? Please." Derek looked pathetic, like he would do anything in the world to get the right answer. "Please!"

Deaton's calming voice spoke. "Derek calm down. You were out for six hours, but your body isn't still at a hundred percent. Don't stress yourself."

He shouted again. "Where is Stiles!"

The icicles that were assaulting Derek's legs earlier turned to vines of thorns reaching from the bed to twist around and shred his muscles. They were keeping him in place as much as the lake had frozen him. He felt like his heart was chilled to the core with thinking that they would've reassured him by now if Stiles was okay.

Derek looked at Isaac pleadingly. "He has to be okay. Tell me he's okay."

Isaac walked to his alpha's side. "We dealt with the Asle. We-"

Derek shouted angrily. "I don't care about that! Where is he!"

Isaac flinched from his tone.

Boyd came up behind Isaac and put one hand around his shoulders and the other on Derek's arm before speaking. "He's in the woods still."

Derek looked furious. "Bring him here now! I don't care if-if he-he's... Just bring him here! Why would you leave him?!"

Allison spoke up next. "We couldn't move him."

That sounded terrifying. "Why not?" Derek started to get up and Boyd caught his shoulder. He growled at Boyd. "I have to go see him! You aren't telling me anything. I need to know what is wrong."

Allison spoke up next, "We don't think you should, but he still had a heartbeat."

Derek frowned and furrowed his eyebrows. "Still has a heartbeat? What does that even mean. Why won't you just say Stiles is okay?!"

Deaton spoke up next, "Because we don't know if he is. Drink this." Deaton pressed a mixture to Derek's lips and no matter how much He wanted to slap it from his hands or spit it at him he knew he needed it, and he knew Deaton wouldn't continue speaking until he did. "We don't know what's happening, and we couldn't bring him here."

Derek looked murderous. "You left him there not knowing if he was okay!?"

"Yes. Scott, Lydia, and Erica are with him now. They will call with any updates. I, however had to leave to help you. You would have died."

Derek let out a choked sob as tears started flowing. "So? Who cares. You left Stiles! You heartless bastard! He's your apprentice! HE'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! AND YOU DIDN'T HELP HIM! You let him go! He's alone because of you! He's hurt becau-"

Deaton's calm patient demeanor shattered like a mirror and suddenly his words echoed heavily in Derek's mind as if they were refracted from multiple mouths. The jagged edges slicing into him mercilessly.

"No, Derek you let him go! He's alone because of you! He's hurt because of you, not me! I had to choose between helping you or figuring out what was wrong with him. I had to choose between the punk kid that's been following his best friend into my office for years and sneaking the cats extra treats- who is also yes, my apprentice- and the boy my alpha made me swear to protect the day he was born. You are both my responsibilities. I am his teacher, and your emissary. Just because you can make everybody else's lives hell by using the pain of your past and family to harm the people around you now doesn't mean I can! Did I leave him? Yes. I chose to help you because as soon as I got there he looked me in the eyes and begged me to save you. After he got done taking what little heat that remained from his body to burst through the ice, dragging your unconscious body through those glacial waves, and casting a spell to protect you from the Asle he still used his last conscious moment to plead for your life. He had that much faith that you were worth saving. My faith however is wavering."

Deaton looked at him disappointed.

"Derek do you fully understand what Stiles is? He's not just some kid, some witch, or even just an emissary. He is a spark. Most alphas would kill to have something that rare and that once in several life time special. And yet you treat him like a child that doesn't know the stove is hot. Stiles could have enough lightning under his skin to burn down entire forests and you treat him like his opinion doesn't matter because he could get hurt. In trying to save him from you, you forget to actually save him. He doesn't need to be protected from you, he needs to be protected by you."

Before anyone could react Derek bolted out the door.

When he got closer to the lake he smelt burning and saw the glow of fire in the darkness. He shifted fully to run even faster. Once he broke the tree line he transformed back to see Scott, Erica, and Lydia all surrounding a giant circle of raging fire illuminating the dark forest. Through the flames the outline of a body in the middle could barely be seen, Derek felt his knees go out, but the ground under them didn't even register.

He smelt the smoke from the day he lost everything once again. He was utterly empty. He let out a choked sob.

That caught their attention. The next moment Erica was at his side and Scott was talking to him. He couldn't hear him over Lydia's screaming. Once she appeared over Scott's shoulder with a destroyed look upon her face he realized it was him. He was screaming while letting out choked sobs.

He didn't know how much time passed till Erica moved, but it felt like decades. Without Erica supporting him he fell forward onto hands gripping the dirt. His screams fell to a steady rhythm of pouring out of tears and breaths and the pounding in his ear subsided enough to finally be able to make out words.

"En to it. Derek you need to calm down. Listen to it. Do you hear it? Derek can you hear me, can you hear it?"

The confusion calmed him enough to look up at Scott. "H- hear what?"

Scott looked relieved. "Good. Good. Just take a few breaths."

When did the pack get here? "What? Hear what?"

Scott guided him up and supported him along with Erica.

Scott started dragging him towards the fire and the tears started all over. "No! No no no! I can't. I can't. Please. Don't make me. Please."

Scott looked sympathetic. "You need to see it Derek."

Lydia put a hand out in front of them. It was burned, and Scott and Erica's skin and hair were covered in soot and the clothes they were wearing weren't theirs. He didn't know how he didn't see it before, her arms looked terrible. The alpha in him reacted to her pain. "Maybe that isn't the best idea. He needs to calm down." As she spoke Derek lifted up a hand and gently brushed it against her skin. Lydia looked down at the black veins crawling up Derek's arms after she finished speaking.

"No it's okay. I need to do this. I need to see him."

They looked at him in a strange way as they helped him along.

"Derek I don't think you understand, hell I don't fully understand."

"Well then make me!" Derek snapped, tired of being told he didn't know things without anyone telling him anything. "Tell me exactly what happened."

Scott took a breath before responding. "I got a text that Stiles thought you were going to confront them on your own, he said he'd text when he found you and I never got a text. So I called the pack and Deaton and we looked for you guys, but by the time we got to the lake it was too late. You guys were already out. The Asle were surrounding you both, but there was a giant ring of fire that kept them away. You were still closer to the lake, but Stiles was slowly dragging himself to where he threw his phone. As soon as they saw all of us they fled. Once they were gone the ring of fire closed in on Stiles and engulfed him. Then Stiles told Deaton to take care of you before passing out. I ran in to get him, but as I drug him out the circle moved so he was still in the middle. Erica ran in and got me out. Deaton tried a few spells to get him out, but they didn't work. They took you because you were dying, and we stayed with him."

Derek tried to stay focused on what Scott was saying to not think about where they were going, but now they were close enough he could feel the heat on the face he had resolutely pointed down. It couldn't be pushed from his mind.

Derek stopped and they must've thought it was close enough because they didn't urge him farther. After a few moments of steadying breaths he looked up.

His eyes widened, and how mouth dropped. "He- he looks-"

Erica interrupted. "Alive. Deaton doesn't know what's happening, but yeah. Listen Derek, really listen."

He trained his ears and for awhile all he could hear was the crackling of the fire, but then he heard it. The steady unmistakable rhythm of Stiles' heartbeat.

He bolted towards the fire.

"Derek no!"

"Stop!"

They ran after him, but he was faster.

When he touched the edge of the fire he expected to feel the flames, but he didn't. As soon as he touched the fire it disappeared, like it was never there. All that was left was the smoke and charred remains of the ground surrounding a breathing unburned Stiles.

He ran and knelt by Stiles. He could feel the pack surround them. He picked up his head and gently cradled him. He tried to take his pain, but he couldn't. Stiles' heartbeat quickened. Derek could feel him stirring.

With the heat coming off Stiles, he felt the ice encasing his heart since the lake finally thaw. He was crying once again.

Stiles' eyes fluttered open, and the pack all held in a breath together.

"Ouch. I didn't like that fight."

Derek let out a choked laugh and gripped him tighter.

"Derek promise me we won't have to fight that fight again. Just tell me, I don't want to wait this out. I'd rather it hurt now. I need to know. I'd rather you hurt me now."

Derek shook his head. "No Stiles. Never, never again." Derek gripped him closer to his chest and whispered his words into the darkness.

"I promise."

***

"Oooo that boy was one doozy of a trip." He turned his snakelike eyes to where Derek was tied up. "Boy oh boy, that Kate chick really did a number on you! Tell me-"

He looked mocking yet playfully innocent.

"Sourwolf- You don't mind if I call you that do you?- have your wounds healed from your- hm let's be polite and say 'indiscretions'? Hmm, have you learned your lesson yet? Or are you going to let loverboy in and add another sentence to your record. First was Paige, then Kate, now Stiles. Though I do say New York wouldn't be far enough for your exile this time, you know, with the whole one's and incident, two's a coincidence, then, uh-oh three's a pattern! Oh wait, I didn't say that did I? No. That was loverboy. Sorry the memories do tend to get all gobbled up."

He scrunched his nose cheerfully, then his face fell to a look of despair.

"Oh wait, no. You don’t know. Not yet. You will though. You'll know when you find the used up husk that used to be your beloved. You see I sucked him drrrrry. I took every last memory. His first, his last-"

"I swear if you've hurt him-" Derek spoke with vitriol.

He waved his hand dismissively. "Relax would ya. I didn't hurt him." His eyes lit up with excitement. "It was so much worse. I took every last minute he ever lived and I sucked it out of him. Hehehe."

He showed a giddy sort of excitement.

"I did. I really reeeally did.  I took his first day of school, I took him dragging tall, dark, and dopey out into the woods, I took his idolization of the redhead, his love for his father, meeting every last member of his pack, meeting his best friend, meeting you. He knew too, he knew it all as it was happening. As I was taking every last part of himself that made him, him he knew. So as I took him watching his mother slowly forget who he was he thought- Hehehehe- sorry. Ehm got the giggly pants. He thought, 'Oh god I'm just like her. I'm going to look at the people I love most and not even know them. Know I'm hurting them.' In one of Stiles' last moments of truly being Stiles he thought about you all and how much losing himself would hurt you."

A faux sadness clouded his face, but the grin soon resurfaced.

"And you know the kicker Derek? The real kick in the pants is in his last moment, his very last, he screamed out your name, even after all that you've done to him. And you've done a lot to him, you guys shoot hateful words at each other like enemies across borders. He takes hits from you like a soldier. Pew pew pew."

The creature acted like he was shooting across the room.

"But to be fair your boy can take a hit. Still, for your name to be the one he called out after how much you hurt him is something. And you did sourwolf."

Derek growled at the use of the nickname again.

"You hurt him so bad he thought you hated him as much as you hate yourself."

He got close and whispered. "Which is a lot. You should work on that."

He skipped away again.

"Or not. It won't make any difference to him anymore. It won't even hurt him now. He won't care. Although, did he really before?"

That snapped Derek out of his head. The one thing he always knew is Stiles always cared about him, even if he didn't. He felt a surge of anger knowing what he took from Stiles.

When the pack got there the snake was still alive tied to a chair, but his mouth was bleeding like a waterfall. Derek was sitting in a corner.

"He wouldn’t shut up."

Scott spoke in a scolding tone. "Derek!"

Derek glared. "The only reason he's still alive is because he knows where Stiles is and how to fix him."

Once they found him it hurt so bad not seeing an ounce of recognition in his eyes. Before it was them all forgetting Stiles now it was the other way around, and he didn't know how Stiles didn't go mad. He wanted to just shake him till he called him sourwolf.

The snake gave him back his memories, but he wouldn't remember. Even after several threats the snake couldn't do anything further, he said Stiles had to remember on his own, even if Derek kept him chained up till he starved.

In the end, after several horrible weeks, they all took turns telling him things to get his memory back.

"Stiles please you have to remember. Remember who you were. Please. I love you. You're everything-" Derek looked shocked he had said that. "You're everything to the pack."

It was his father that got him to remember finally.

As everyone was celebrating with Stiles, Derek snuck out.

"You'd let me live... why?" The snake rubbed his wrists where the cuffs were.

"Because you're going to take the memory of our fight. And only that! Or I swear I will cut you to pieces so slowly you will wish you could take your own memories."

"Deal. But I'm still unclear why."

"He would never forgive me if he remembered what I said. I said horrible things. I could tell it was over."

The look he gave him, even if it was erased from Stiles' head, kept ringing in his. First the look of alarm, then the look of determination as he grabbed mountain ash to throw at the snake in his bedroom, next the confusion at seeing Derek too, it froze his filled hand long enough for the snake to dart to his neck. His mouth gaped open and Derek turned away from the look of utter betrayal. Finally when he looked back Stiles had the same look of peaceful sleep he had before.

"He didn't take our fight away Derek."

His eyes widened so far Stiles thought they would've popped out.

"Yeah he probably figured he could hit Mexico before you caught on, but he didn't know you put Boyd, no, Peter onto his tail. Yeah he's long dead by now. Right?" Derek stood still, barely nodded.

"He actually gave me his memory of you asking him to violate me. Even after everything I just went through. After it all you still asked him to do that to me." Stiles smiled bitterly.

"I'm so- I didn't know wha- You wouldn't ever hav-"

"I forgive you."

Derek looked even more shocked. "Wh-what? Why? I- I don't understand? Why would yo-"

"You wouldn't understand. Derek 'Why do you try to save me.' Hale. You are pack. Am I still mad? Fuck yeah. Am I going to get over it? Unfortunately. Why? Because it doesn't matter what you say to me, what you do, I see through all of your misdirections. I see who you are. I see you Derek. Before our fight I got close to territory that you aren't ready for, so you snapped. I got close so you pushed me away, and you did and said things to ensure I wouldn't want to come back. You are unforgivable because you want to be unforgivable, because you don't think to deserve forgiveness. You push people away so you can't hurt them. You shut people out, out of habit. When someone gets close to you and proves themself worthy you bare your teeth, not your neck. I'm not falling for it. You aren't going to bite me..."

Stiles scoffed.

"Not with those bunny teeth. Besides, we're finally getting somewhere. You mentioned my father's drinking being my fault in a fight after I asked you out. I think this is a step forward." Stiles chuckled.

Derek's eyes filled with tears and he rushed Stiles into a bone crushing hug. He took deep lungfuls of Stiles' scent with his nose in the crook of his neck. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't know why I say those things."

"Because you're scared. Everyone you've ever loved has hurt you. Some unintentional, some not, but still. Every last one of them. You have never known a love that didn't mean pain."

"It's okay. I deserve it. I hurt them too."

"You won't hurt me. I believe that. You just have to stop pushing me away."

"I thought I lost you."

"Never, sourwolf, never." Stiles tucked Derek even closer to himself.

****************************** After the flashes of angry shouts and hurt feelings stopped he knew this felt different.

He was so done, done fighting. He needed to know, and he would beat the answer out of Derek if it came to it. He got his jeep working again and turned around. The entire ride Stiles felt the lightning coursing through his veins.

Stiles flung the door open and rushed Derek.

"Stiles what are yo-"

In one swift motion Stiles grabbed his hand yanking him towards him, then used both hands to grab the sides of his face and smashed their lips together.

It wasn't aggressive, but it didn't lose any of its intense edge to fizzle into something softer. It wasn't loving, or passionate. It was by no means a sweet kiss, but it wasn't bitter or angry either. There was no decoration or expectation, just desperation.

They both pulled away out of breath.

"I think we both know the reason we fight so much. Because we both know there's something here worth fighting for."

Derek looked beaten and confused. "Stiles just let it go. Let us go. Let me go."

"No. I see who you are. We are worth fighting for. You are. So I'm not going to stop, but if you want to keep fighting me tell me now. Because if you're gonna hurt me hurt me now. I need to know." Stiles tried to betray that this was his very last chance with his pleading eyes. He let go of Derek's hand.

"I'm sick of fighting." Derek spoke like he was tired of even having to talk about fighting. He reached for Stiles' hand.

"Good good. Just let me help you. Derek, let me save you. Let me help you. Do you want me to?"

"Save me. Please. Please Stiles you're everything to me. But I don't know how to be the man you think I am. I don't deserve to be him."

Stiles remembered the empty words he's said before. He had to make sure this was the last time.

"Okay. Okay, say you do. Say you deserve all of the terrible things in the world. Say it was somehow your fault that an older woman tricked and seduced you when you were too young to know any better. Say the tragedy of your family didn't happen to you, it happened because of you. Say you are the worst person on the planet. Say you actually deserve what you think you do. Say all of that, but what about the pack? Hm? They don't deserve that. They don't deserve seeing you in so much pain. They don't deserve an alpha so focused on punishing himself for the past he forgets to make the future better for them. What- what about me? I deserve to have you. I do. After all the shit I got through, I deserve to get to be loved by you. You need to stop pretending you aren't worth it because I will never stop reaching for your hand. I- I love you Derek. You, you. The Derek that has messed up and failed and lost more fights than he's won. I always have and will, but I need you to at least like yourself. You have to let go Derek. Love them and remember them? Yes, always. But blame yourself? You need to move on if you won't do it for you do it for them. Do it for us."

Derek laid his forehead against Stiles' and closed his eyes. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to, but I might. I'll work on it. I'll go back to therapy. I'll pray that I will change into who you think I am. I'll work with you, but I might still push you away. I might still hurt you now, but I want to be saved." Derek grabbed his other hand too.

"Then I'll save you."