#seriously wouldve been life altering

[orbch]

was trying to watch sasi in peace and stumbled across my ancient youtube comments so i chose the cringiest ones to share because i was... 11/12yrs old watching sasi … and they are hilarious

[berryblu-soda]

Anyways update i just didnt bother to post earlier:

fr God is good and the whole car crash my parents got into last week was so incredibly mild in terms of injuries!!!! worst was a bruised knee im pretty sure

ALSO-

*taps mic* HUG YOUR FREAKING LOVED ONES OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!

[unstable-and-horny]

Going to delete later, might even deactivate depending on people's reaction because I'm about to alter how all of y'all see me. But I have to come clean.

The person behind this account, me, is... A trans man in real life. A really pathetic one. I (used to) pretend I'm a detransitioned guy who's got bottom surgery to explain my lack of penis, because in my mind, I'm just 100% male so I get confused when something is wrong. Also because as a trans man, nobody really gives a fuck if you're depressed or even su1c1dal because of your missing penis, but if you're a cis guy that lost his, you get swarmed with attention and validation and I wanted that.

Moreover, if I had been open about being a trans guy from the get go, people wouldnt have taken my fantasies involving using my penis seriously, and wouldve just laughed. I wouldve received all sorts of weird dms asking me to use my natal bits instead.

Oh and for those that like to know, living with dysphoria, trauma, and depression for over a decade gave me a disassociation disorder. In my mind, I genuinely am just a guy who lost his penis and got traumatized by that. I know that's not the physical reality, but, that's what's true for me personally and it can be hard to convince myself otherwise.

Im sorry to the people Ive led on using this account. All I wanted was some validation for my life crippling disorders. Im feeling particularly depressed and su1c1dal tonight, so I thought I might as well come clean. Will delete this post later and maybe even delete my account, idk. Peace out.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

what is something you did as a child that you still often do as an adult?

for me, it is playing pretend.

ive always played pretend, since i was little. it was always my favorite game, getting to assume the personality of your favorite character, and make up a story either by yourself, with your sibling(s), or with your friend(s). i always did it, regardless of setting, and regardless if my sibling or friends wanted to play with me.

when i say i played pretend regardless of setting, that is not an exaggeration. i played it just about everywhere - at school during recess and in class, at home, at the store, in restaurants, when travelling, even in some serious situations i would resort to pretending. it always felt so easy to do. it never felt hard to assume a personality and slip into the skin of a character, regardless of my surroundings.

it was not always an outward "im [character], that is why i am behaving and acting differently," oftentimes i would play pretend subtly too. you probably wouldnt have noticed i was pretending at all unless i told you, or you picked up on any slight exaggerations in my tone of voice or actions. at most you probably wouldve just thought i was a bit showy, a bit excited, a bit dramatic, and certainly a little weird.

it was my favorite game, but i think it was a coping mechanism. im not sure at what point it did become a coping mechanism, but at least when i was younger than 10 years old. around certain relatives i would pretend more. those imaginary places in my head felt more safe than the environments i was in, and is also why i would space out more too. a lot of the time, i would resort to pretending without thinking, like it was just an automatic reaction.

those imaginary places and assuming the personality of a character became my reality. i did it so often. sometimes i would keep pretending when i shouldnt have, but when relatives were very angry with me or were physically/verbally abusing me, i couldnt pretend anymore. i never knew what to do but become silent and freeze since reality reality was now staring me dead in the face, and my own reality that always was my safe place was now gone and couldnt be retreated to. reality reality always felt scary, unwelcoming and bleak as a result, and once it felt safe to do so i would go back to pretending after several hours or a day. pretty much an endless cycle for a grand majority of my childhood. i often got accused of never taking those moments seriously or infuriating relatives further when i would become unresponsive, but even now i am unsure what i couldve done.

i still pretend even though i am 19, i kind of have to now just to feel satisfied every day. if i dont, i feel really anxious and antsy, and when that happens, sometimes i jump right into pretending without thinking or hesitation, almost like a automatic trigger of some sort. i have had it happen where i will be stressed and suddenly, without thought, mimic a random character that comes to mind, generally an action of theirs. it takes more effort to stop pretending and focus when that happens. but, most of my pretending is still often something i do a majority of the time without thinking or by choice in the same way as when i was little. though, ive noticed i alter between characters and personalities a lot quicker sometimes, like i panic what identity to choose from. sometimes i assume one right after the other in quick succession or assume multiple at the same time. i didn't do this that much at all when i was little.

needing to pretend all the time is a bit frustrating, for the longest time (even as a young child) i could not easily tell you who i am. i know my name and identity but it doesnt feel like my own, i know what my life has been like and my lived experiences but it feels like a made-up story, i know what i am seeing and doing every day but it feels like none of it processes. in the past few years, i ended up developing a really bad fear of forgetting because i never feel grounded or with reality reality. i try so hard to take in the world around me wherever i am, but i always worry none of it is actually processing or registering in my brain, and i will just quickly forget everything i just saw. i feel stuck in my bubble, which has led to moments like having a lot of moments of nearly getting hit by vehicles because i am not paying attention. i have tried to pay more attention and stay out of my reality, but even when i try i always end up coming back without meaning or trying to.

i feel like ive had to prove to myself that i exist, since i hate being reminded of reality reality and would do things like avoid mirrors or not look at photos of myself. i think this is why i have been drawing myself a lot more lately, to show myself that i really am alive and have an identity, and if i remember what i actually look like.

but at the same time, i want to keep pretending. again, i kind of have to in my day to day anyways. it's like a crutch of some sort. it makes me happy. i enjoy assuming the personalities of my favorite characters, i love to see life through their eyes. there's comfort and joy in pretending, though it's difficult for me to explain. even if it became a simple game to a coping mechanism and a crutch, all those personalities and characters kind of make me whole and who i am.