#seriously what the fuck the last thing i draw is old nick naked and my tablet just refuses to turn on

[swamp-gremlin]

Old man pussy so powerful it killed my tablet

[mrneighbourlove]

Evil’s Bane: Ch 10. Evil Anew

The World felt out of balance. Leere was so weak, her mind spinning back into consciousness. The first thing she felt was a stinging sensation in her wrists. Her arms were being held up by a chain, with torturous cuffs digging into her wrists to keep her hands together. She could barely have to strength to move her legs. When she did, she discovered that she could, the Mortuus woman felt a draft. Was she naked? She didn’t have her robes. They at least took her coat and shirt off. Maybe her pants were taken too. She was too numb to tell. Even moving slightly, she grimaced at the immediate pain that followed in her wrists. Blood dripped from her fingers to the floor, and Leere finally saw the pentagram that’s surrounded her. “Oh god.”

Looking around her, there were four obelisks, and straight ahead, the Destroyer himself.

"What? Going to call out to my brother now?" Destroyer was occupied finishing the text on the Obelisks for the ritual. His own claws were digging out the symbols from the stone. All this death and decay and he did not even flinch. "Go ahead. Prama's host is rather busy right now, so I highly doubt he'll come running. Though there's plenty of other deities or spirits or whatever you wish to call them to cry to as well. Makes this so much more fun." He then said, "Better yet, why not ask Tzitzmime to have mercy on you? Perhaps he'll be in a good mood today."

“What do you think you’re doing to me?” Leere sounded tired, mostly because she was, but she still had spunk in her voice.

"I'm simply preparing a feast for Tzitzmime." Destroyer answered as his tail then started to draw a line to connect the Obelisks. He walked the pentagram, making sure everything was in place. After this was finished, he could see Kaksa once more. It would be him and her for all eternity. "I have to be a good host now, don't I?"

Leere grimaced, feeling the tattoo on her back vibrate very slowly. “You want to unleash the horror in me, don’t you? Why?” She looked up bitterly into the eyes of the god. “What can you possibly gain from it?”

"I get the pleasure of seeing that snake wail at the realization of he can't save you." Destroyer had a disturbing grin creeping across his visage. "And relish in Prama's failure. The Anagari will come slithering, trying to be your 'knight in scale-covered armor', and risk exposing Prama. When the fool does, I'll be able to rip my brother from the Anagari's body." He held up his razor sharp claws. "Interesting biological component of these Drakkan. They can use the most ancient of all magic... soul magic. Transfer the very essence of a living creature. With the Anagari so weak, I will be able to use this energy I have saved for hundreds of years to end my brother."

Leere felt hope slipping away. Was this the end of her life’s journey? To fail spectacularly?

No.

Even if she was, she wasn’t going to sink into despair. She still had her grit and her spirit. And she wouldn’t die letting him have emotional satisfaction. “Too bad that as a Drakken you look like an ass. Can’t imagine you can get laid either. I mean, it would be the most logical conclusion. You could never get your claws on your precious Kaksa. So why this life too?” When Leere saw him twitch, she smiled evilly best she could. “I bet your brother fucked her good. They were lovers after all. And even as a snake, he’s still a charming lover. I should know. I bet you can’t even pronounce sex you pathetic, little man. Must be why Kaksa didn’t love you. You’re so little.”

Destroyer did not like her speaking of Balance in such a way. No mere human could understand his story. It was just the three of them for eons. She would give her love to Maker and to him equally. Though for the longest time, maybe just a year or maybe a millennium, she did not return to his side and he despaired. What did his brother have that he did not? Was it because he was of the dark? Was all darkness considered bad? No one would ever know or comprehend, even it if would be a relief to share his frustration.

"Insult me all you wish; it will not change your fate. I'm not stupid like my brother. I will not act upon emotions."

“Fool. You might not be emotional, but you are stupid if you think killing me will bring you any closer to your precious Kaksa.”

"Oh, I know it won't. Killing my brother will." Destroyer seemed so bitter towards Maker. "But killing you will be fun."

Now within range of her face, Leere spat a hunk of saliva into his eye. “How’s that for fun?”

"... I was going to start with your finger nails, though I suppose I could begin with a tongue or your eye."

Leere cracked her finger best she could with the cuffs on. “Do your worst.”

Destroyer was by no means ever merciful. He started with Leere's painted finger nails, removing them one by one. Sometimes, on purpose, he'd leave half of a nail and deem he made an error and had to take off the rest as well just to spite her. Then, he worked on her toes. Before long, all of her nails were decorating the floor. When that pain was not enough to rouse the demon from slumber, he decided to try a different type of torment. Over and over, she was made to watch the death of her loved ones.

Every nail broken off was a spurt of blood. Pain became an abundance to Leere. This commodity was fuel to four obelisks in the room, syphoning it from her. When the mental torment of her family came, and in raw creative ways, Leere wanted it to come to an end. Seeing Rinku, Zelda, Covarog, Sunny, and all the others suffer and day was agonizing. “Fuck. You!”

"Seriously, is that the best insult you can do? So often it is used, never followed up on. Not my type, for sure." Destroyer held up a large pair of rusty scissors. "I wonder how much more it will take for you to break."

“You. Can’t. Break me.” Leere was breathing heavily to keep her mind relatively sane.

"Are you sure about that?" Destroyer nearly chuckled at her defiant attitude. "You're not the first that I've tortured and won't be the last. Many of your fellow Mortuus have broken before me. I have pulled horrors that you have never even fathomed from the shadows that my brother tossed aside."

“Vile beast. You lost before for a reason. You will do so again...”

As Destroyer was ready to continue, two robed figures with grey feathery wings floated down next to Leere. Putting two bracelets and a crown of fangs on her, they started to chant an unknown language. The Shadow man whispered gently into the Destroyers ear. “Your brother draws near. You and your minions must stop him and the wrath from interfering. When my other half is freed, my connection to this avatar will be lost. But make no mistake, I am coming here to see my work complete.”

"So… he is coming..." Destroyer sounded most amused. "I was rather uncertain of whether he would or not. Or perhaps, is it the creature that is coming for the 'tiny princess' he holds so dear? Oh well, the snake did try to warn her. Prama probably showed him all of what was to be seen of her fate."

The two-winged cultists started to chant. From outside a dome surrounding Leere, others gathered from Mortuus to monsters chanted in a hellish pray. The bracelets on Leere’s arms sparked on, and the crown on her head sunk into her skull. As Leere was shocked, and the fangs on her head sunk deeper, a terrible scream radiated outwards.

~

A flash of white. Leere was standing in Hryrule field. The sun was shining, but every animal was dead. In front of her the ground opened up. She fell and---

~

A flash of white. Decay and blood poured under her legs with the force of a raging creek. A mirror lying in front of her showed her true reflection. How old she was. As Leere pushed her legs against the blood to be not swept away, she looked closer at a movement behind her. She peered closer to see the blank pale face and the eyes of---

~

A flash of white. A void of emptiness. It was so white. It had no sound, no image, no feeling. In the distance, Leere saw a figure holding themselves close. They were a shaky silhouette. Turning with white eyes, it flickered. Leere’s soul flickered. It was time. It was the end.

~

All over the Tower of Death, Bonegrinder and Black had teleported, hoping to find Leere. However, like a signal bouncing around, they couldn’t lock onto her easily. Just as they were giving up hope, they saw a flashing pillar of blue light. Eager cultists were running forward, and as they stepped into the light, they were flown upwards into a glowing hole in the roof.

"It's started..." Bonegrinder felt a sense of dread tighten in his chest. "We are too late..."

"... is there any chance we can still save her?"

"If the demon doesn't consume her, then perhaps we can. You must be ready to fight."

"I always am."

Behind them, coming out of the wall as if being birthed from it, the Abomination was still giving chase. All six eyes board in on them. They had two choices. Run up the beam, or stay and fight.

"This thing just doesn't give up." Black sounded irritated.

"A Hellspawn of the Second Ring of Hell never stops." Bonegrinder slithered as fast as he could, going up the beam with Black right alongside him. "Personally, he detests the ones of the First Ring the most."

"And that's not a First?"

"No, if a Nameless was here, we'd both be in trouble."

"Hey, I thought you knew all sorts of magic."

"He does."

"So just magic it away."

"Only the one who calls the demon can do that. Or a Summoner."

"... great."

The ‘Angel’ drew close. Its six clawed talons suddenly glew a menacing purple, and it drove them at Black. As one nicked him, a deep sickness flew through the Wrath. Something that shouldn’t be possible was.

It was as if Black was suddenly paralyzed. He could not move and slammed harshly into the ground. Groaning, the Wraith tried to will his body to function, but he could not do so. Even lifting a finger was unsuccessful. As the creature tried to descend upon him, Bonegrinder's huge tail whacked the fiend away. Snarling at the demon, the Anagari maneuvered the Wraith onto his coils, out of harm's way. "You won't interfere." The Anagari curled the tip of his tail around the fiend's ankle and crushed it with a sickening snap. With that, it stopped its movements. For now.

As Bonegrinder and Black flew up the beam, they gave themselves ample time to flee as the Abomination recovered. It was a silent trip up, every second filling with more and more dread. At the top, they found themselves on the outside of a dome. Inside, Leere was floating upwards now. The Obelisk was burning bright with energy. Suddenly, complete nothing filled the ears of all in witness. It was then the Obelisk fired out a beam, killing all the cultists who wished to be sacrificed. Leere was flipped over with her back exposed. The tattoo on her back was glowing, with blood pouring onto the ground below. Outside the dome a whirlwind was starting to storm, red blood sky being torn by the wind. The final step to the ritual began.

Bonegrinder had managed to use a touch of Prama's magic to undo the effect of the fiend's poisoning on Black. The Wraith could now move again, but felt like he was dragging. There was hardly any energy for him to spare. He would be of no use fighting hardly. As the demonic magic started to fill the air, the Anagari nearly panicked. This was not supposed to be happening. He gently set down Black on a high ledge, hopefully to protect him from danger and rushed forward. Slamming his fists on the dome, he repeatedly struck at the structure.

"YOU LET HER GO!!!" He bellowed. "You want this snake!!! Come get him! You leave her out of it!!! Dhakk!!! He knows you hear him!!!"

"Ah, dear brother, you finally arrive to show!" Destroyer was on the other side of the dome completing his work. "A little late, as always, but better than never."

"He is here! You release her! This snake has seen a thousand deaths and he refuses to see another!"

"It seems Prama is still silent? Too cowardly to come and face me?" Destroyer played dumb, tapping his chin with a single finger. "Or perhaps... he's still not at his full power?"

"You are not capable of your full abilities either, Dhakk!" Bonegrinder snapped at him. "That will not happen until the day of prophecy!"

"Oh, you and that stupid prophecy, do you honestly believe Balance will come after Prama? After me? It's nonsense."

"You know she will! She is the Mother Goddess! She will strike down Chaos and restore harmony to the world!"

"Not if I can help it. This world will be consumed by Chaos and with you out of the way, Balance and I can live peacefully without the hassle of meddling affairs of a mortal world in the void."

From outside the dome, waking through the storm, a familiar voice shouted out to them. Sheer-Khan trotted through the bellowing wind, slowly making his way to the Hive leader. “Bonegrinder! We must abandon our station here! Open a portal to Hyrule! We must flee, now!”

"Kit!!!" Bonegrinder was relieved to see that Hades was still here. He had sensed his life was still there, but it was so hard to know for sure in this cursed land. "He is so glad to see you! Please, help him break through! Leere needs us! If the ritual is completed, then Tzitzmime will have another part of his whole joined!"

Lightning crackled, and Hades gently laid a hand on Bonegrinder’s shoulder. “She is lost. But we might be able to rally the rest of Hyrule’s Warriors. You must hurry. You are the only one able to open a portal home.”

"He cannot leave her!!! Don't you understand, Kit?! She's a key! If this is completed, Chaos can take hold of the world before he is scheduled to do so!" Bonegrinder pleaded with Hades. "Help this old snake stop the ritual! There is still time! He can suppress the demon!"

As Bonegrinder turned to break down the dome, Hades grabbed his massive metal club. With a sigh, he swung two critical blows. One strike struck Black. The force of the swing against a body his size made him fly high into the storm as if he was nothing more than an ace in the hole. The second blow was brought down on Bonegrinder’s head, caving in his skull, his brain, and his spinal cord. The concentrated explosion tore down the rest of his nerves along his massive coil. Hades sighed, carefully holding down Bonegrinder’s body. “.... You forced my hand. You stupid bastard. I didn’t want it to come to this. You should have listened to your heart and never should have come here. Now I have to play this disgusting role to its fullest depravity.”

Black had tried to rush forward to save Bonegrinder but Hades had swatted him away. The storm picked up the Wraith and threw him around, but he was still conscious. Finally, Black was able to grab onto a tower's spire and managed to climb inside. He was still here. He would find his way back to his master.

Bonegrinder, however, was out cold. Not moving. But still alive due to the deity inside of him.

“I know you can hear me, you wretched god. This is your doing. You denied me my most simple request. You brought my friend here. You allowed the gods and goddesses to fall out of Balance. My friend could have waited in the Hive while the world was recreated in blissful ignorance. But no. Now I must ensure he stays down for this.” Leere gurgled, a small cry leaving her throat, the Obelisk shining a light on her. Great new lengths had been taken to bring new conditions for the ritual, but it was finally done.

Bonegrinder was a creature of magic and violence when he desired. Sometimes, mere mistaken words or a careless action might agitate him into a rage. Many thought it was due to his split personality. The Anagari showed the side of his usual self, 'Modoc', and then other times, the true, cruel nature of 'Bonegrinder'. Yet, those who knew him throughout the years, had learned that he was one not to mess with or else there would be consequences. There was very little patience in the Anagari except for those he held dear.

Prama, for all his glory and splendor, had no patience. With Bonegrinder's mind silent from the blow to the head, the deity took over his host's body. The divinity inside of him was much stronger and could use his strength through the Anagari's body... but with some consequences for his host later. It was not an action he did often. Those large coils curled around Hades' body and one large hand snatched at the Lynel's throat. "Treacherous creature..." Prama's voice held no love for the creation of Dhakk. In full control, the Anagari's body was radiating powerful celestial magic, floating in particles around the snake. His eyes were glowing white, narrowed and angry. He always thought Lynels were rather haughty. And then one made the mistake of striking his host. "I will scald you into ash."

Hades opened his mouth, blasting the god in the face. His arms still free to move, he brought the power down on the body once more. “You could have resurrected my species! Instead you told me that they should stay dead. A being of creation too spineless to create! You should never have inhabited Modoc’s body!”

Squeezing tighter and tighter with the Anagari's coils, Prama did not let go. The deity did not feel pain. This was not his true body. His magic kept healing the damage. Returning a blow of his own to Hades' face, he kept repeating the same move, punch after strike after blow. "All things come to an end, and my brother is the one who decides that." Prama spat at Hades. "If you're angry about it, argue with him, not me. You should be grateful that the snake took you in, looked after you. Who else would have done so with a despicable species such as yourself?"

“You brought all his pain upon him. You... you alone.” Unlike the god, Sheer-Khan could not regenerate. The feline’s face looked like a tumour by the time that Prama was done. “Modoc would have... helped me. Now watch as you fail....” Before the Lynel went limp, he pointed to Leere.

~

Agony and suffering radiated through every nerve of Leere. Chanting echoed in the chamber, and brimstone sizzled from her back. With an explosion of blood and flesh, Leere’s eyes rolled back. From the pentagram on her back, something crawled out. The moment it did, two things happened. The night sky itself cracked open, bleeding the heavens. The second was that the sail of a baby rang out to all who heard it. As Leere fell to the ground, a little pinkish piece of flesh crawled on the ground. It had the upper body of a baby with its eyes sewn shut. Its lower body was a slug, flapping back and forth like a fish out of water. Every wail was cosmic torture to the ears. Schwanz des Teufels: Tyrannin was reborn into the mortal world.

________________________________________________________________

Previous Ch. https://mrneighbourlove.tumblr.com/post/626630162211028992/evils-bane-ch-9-everyone-has-something-to-lose

Next Ch. https://mrneighbourlove.tumblr.com/post/626632248299536384/evils-bane-ch-11-rage-against-the-dying-of-the

[tomlinshawexchange]

Tomlinshaw Exchange 2017 Fic List

Thank you to everyone who participated: writers, pinch hitters, betas, britpickers, and readers!

Here’s the full collection on AO3. 

Do You Smile To Tempt a Lover by allwaswell16  Nick Grimshaw is entranced by Louis, his very beautiful, very cheeky new coworker at The National Portrait Gallery. He watches him day after day, wondering what he’s furiously typing on his laptop over lunch. With a little help from the very bored barista in the gallery cafe, Nick finds himself growing closer to Louis than he ever dreamed possible.

Now that you’re here, I never want you to leave by wearetheluckyones “You like him,” He sing-songs, tugging off the pasta container’s lid. “Go fuck yourself.” Nick tells him as he finds plates, no actual bite behind his words. “Did you get the extra garlic bread? You ate it all last time.” “You gonna ask him out?” Harry asks, taking the two foil wrapped garlic breads from the bag and putting them on the counter. “I’m gonna give you the same answer I gave you last time you asked me that.” “You’re into him, he’s into you, what’s the big deal?” Harry asks, frowning, accepting the plate Nick hands him and dumping half the container of bacon and feta gnocchi onto it, and half the container of penne arrabbiata next to it. “You should just ask him out. There’s no harm in trying.” -*-*- Or, the one where Louis’s a drummer, Nick’s a radio DJ, and Louis’s dogs are menaces.

some velvet morning, years too late by tintedglasses A better adult probably would have changed their emergency contact information once they had convinced said contact that they wanted nothing to do with them, but Louis had never been very good at proper adult things. Besides, it’s not like he thought he’d ever need it. Or: Louis wakes up in the hospital with unfinished business at his bedside. Turns out Nick has some unfinished business, too.

(no such thing as) ordinary, love by dizzy Nick is an Uber driver in London and Louis ends up passed out in the back seat of his car.

The Sky At Night by sunsetmog There’s a little piece of paper on his bedside table, torn from the bottom of a notepad. Insomnia Alliance, it says, in Louis’s chicken scratch handwriting. 9pm-7am, then the telephone number. Or: Louis can’t sleep, and Nick’s the one who answers the phone in the middle of the night.

you can’t take the sky from me by mrsenjolras “Alright,” Nick says eventually. “You can stay till our next stop. But it’s not gonna come free.” Louis stiffens. He’s got money, sure, but he’s worried that that’s not the kind of payment Nick is looking for. “Oh, don’t look so scared,” Nick says, though. “We’re not stopping till we’re in the next system. Can you work?” “Oh,” Louis says, relieved. “Yeah, I can do pretty much anything.” “Great, well, welcome aboard the Pig Dog,” Nick says, extending a hand out for Louis to shake. Louis takes it, decidedly not thinking about how it’s larger than his own and also very warm and quite soft, and instead cocks his head. “Wait, your ship is called the Pig Dog?” [Or: the one where Louis stows away and gets more than he bargained for.]

Cigarette in my left hand, whole world in my right hand by wearetheluckyones Harry’s had some really bad ideas before, starting with the time he got pissed and jumped into the Thames stark naked, but this might take the fucking cake. Offering up Louis as a viable option for a model for Nick’s last photography project is ludicrous at best and a disaster waiting to happen at worst.

Know You Know You Got It Bad by taggiecb “I heard you on the radio.” Louis says. Okay, definitely not what he expected to hear. “Yes, I am on five days a week, sometimes more.” Nick replies. Seriously, what is up with this kid? “No no. That’s not what I meant.” Louis shakes his head and sighs heavily, as though Nick is the one being cryptic. “I heard what you said. To Fifi.” Louis pauses, but Nick takes a cue and stays quiet. He has a feeling that the more he talks, the longer this thing is going to draw out. Suddenly Louis is getting close, really close. Like, so close that Nick is wondering if Louis is about to kiss him. He doesn’t of course, he’s moving to talk into Nick’s ear. Which, Nick isn’t going to lie, affects him almost as much as a kiss might. The boy is fit. “About the chains and whips.” Now it’s Nick’s turn to blush and fumble Or Where a glib comment on the radio leads to one very interesting few weeks for Nick.

Those Summer Nights by YesIsAWorld Nick’s whirlwind summer romance ended when he left his dad’s beach house. Now it’s the first day of senior year, and Nick needs to avoid both the most popular boy at school and his friends’ probing questions.

Give Me One More Night With You by EmmyLouWho Louis turns up at Nick’s door on Saturday night, carrying a bottle of wine that he’d picked out at random at a Sainsburys on the way there. He’d spent ages trying to figure out what you were supposed to wear when you’re going over to somebody’s house so they can thank you for looking after their dog but really you were effectively keeping their dog hostage and you also think that that person is really cute and you’re trying not to be weird about it. His Google search had been, perhaps unsurprisingly, not very helpful. Or, the one where Pig turns up on Louis’ doorstep one day, and Louis has a crush.

Somebody Hurt You (I Know A Place) by writcraft An unexpected encounter brings Nick and Louis together but before they can tell anyone about their relationship an attack on Louis tears them both apart. Nick struggles to deal with the fact Louis no longer remembers their time together as Louis struggles with his injuries and nightmares in the aftermath of the attack. Together they help one another to heal and learn how to love all over again.

There Now, Steady Love by Jiksa Nick’s just had his heart broken, Louis is surprisingly careful with it. Or, the one where Nick’s a small time radio DJ & Louis’s a single dad trying to make it as a musician.

Go On, I Dare You by pwoperninjaelf Nick and Louis are camp counsellors that have spent their past few summers working at an American summer camp, eager for the paid trip abroad, but far less keen on one another. On the final day of camp last summer though, they ended up drunkenly hooking up, but never spoke about it again. Nick’s still not entirely sure what went down and why Louis bailed on him, but it’s okay. He’s just going to ignore it. Ignore Louis, which shouldn’t be too hard considering that’s what he’s been doing for the past few years already anyway. This summer is going to be just like all the others, honestly, nothing’s changed… An American summer camp AU, featuring two stupid boys who keep getting their wires crossed, a host of other familiar faces, all the old school band t-shirts and a camp that should probably keep a better check on their counsellors.

your crooked sleep beside me by nicalyse Louis Tomlinson is unexpected. In which Louis comes on the Breakfast Show and Nick starts to fall for him.

not that good of a person (but i might be for you) by neonmoonlight “Do you fucking mind?” Louis asked tensely, glaring at Nick. “You know, I thought naming your old ship after a greek goddess was some quirk of yours,” Nick started then gestured towards the book that Louis placed on his shelf. “But clearly, you have a thing.” “You make one more comment I will abandon you on a dying planet,” Louis said, turning back to his bag of things. He heard Nick scoff behind him before he left and let the door slide shut. Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself down before he went back to fix up his space. The one thing Louis wanted was for Nick to leave him alone, but that clearly wasn’t going to happen. or the one where nick and louis hate each other until they don’t and there’s a spaceship.

If This Is To End In Fire by Jiksa Apocalypse makes it sound a lot more glamorous than it actually is.

What about us? by octoberrose11 Ducking his head he mumbles out, “One of them might have passed out but her friend caught her before anything bad could have happened. Anyways! Don’t change the subject!” “What subject?” Anton drops himself gracefully into Liam’s lap, holding onto his shoulder to steady himself. “Who kicked Harry’s puppy?” “He’s mad that Tommo and Grim are practically fucking on the dance floor.” “They are not! They’re friends, barely friends. They only can stand each other because of me.” Twin unimpressed looks came across the other two’s faces. “I’m going to pretend that it’s the drinks that are making you act like that, Styles, because the man I know wouldn’t say such a thing about one of our best friends.” Liam waved Harry off when he opened his mouth to protest. “You dated both of them, Harry. You broke both of their hearts.”

It’s Like I’m Shootin’ With Broken Arrows by Saori  Road trips are fun if you’re going with someone you can connect with. Riding on the highway with the radio on, eating junk food, taking selfies and making meaningless conversations, bantering about directions… That’s not exactly the case with Nick and Louis. There might be less connecting and more bickering. or, Nick and Louis miss the last plane, and they have two days to get to France. Traveling together might be the worst and best decision in their lives.

It couldn’t get better they say by happilylouie  When Louis Tomlinson releases his new single “Miss you” he is set to appear on Nick Grimshaw’s morning show. Nick has a long time crush on Louis and maybe, just maybe, Nick can gather the courage to say something this time. What if Louis song is inspired not about a general situation, but maybe about a certain radio show host that he himself has had a crush on for a while. or Should be laughing, but there’s something wrong - How about we’ll make it right?!

I’ll Be Your Pride by YesIsAWorld  Louis needled Nick into riding the Ferris wheel with him so he wouldn’t have to ride alone. Of course, they get stuck at the top and Louis has to help Nick through his paralyzing fear of heights.

This is different than in the movies! by definitelynotafan  In which Nick’s new flat is haunted and the ghost has a weird thing about shoes.

All the Silver Moons by YesIsAWorld Nick wakes up in a strange hotel room and is apparently visiting Louis on tour. Which is really weird, because Louis doesn’t like him and they’ve never hung out without Harry as a buffer. And clearly Louis thinks they’re *together* together and Nick hasn’t the faintest idea what’s going on.

[seventyfiveapples]

Shaken

CHAPTER 11

Nick meets a middle school teacher with a mysterious past and sparks begin to fly. Smoothies abound. (Bright / Nick Jakoby x OFC)

Previous chapters: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN 

The whole enchilada at AO3

WARNING: this is a smut chapter, full of smut. 18 and over ONLY. You have been warned. A/N: This chapter picks up exactly as Ch 10 left off. There is a little cliffhanger at the end: it’s not what you’re thinking... OR IS IT??? The next chapter will be the last. Any feedback is super welcome. (seriously)

Leaving the docks, Lucy reached out for Nick's hand, interlacing their fingers. He brought her hand up to give it a kiss. They rode the rest of the way to the police station in silence, content for a moment.

After the station, Nick had insisted she get checked out at the hospital, which took a longer while than they expected. It was after 10pm when they left, and they decided she should stay at Nick's that night, as not to wake anyone up at Billie's. Lucy sent her roommate a text so she wouldn't worry.

When they got to his house, Nick drew her a hot bath full of fragrant lavender and chamomile and went to the living room to put on a movie while she took her time. When she got out - no mean feat with the lower leg cast and crutches - she saw one of his favorite tee shirts laid out next to a pair of pajama pants, just outside the bathroom door. They were far too big, but a drawstring helped, and his worn-in clothes were so comfortable.

She joined Nick on the couch but then fell asleep almost immediately, underestimating her own fatigue.

Nick smiled as she started softly snoring as her head sunk into his chest. He couldn’t imagine what she’d been through the last couple of days, and if she was able to feel comfortable anywhere, it was a miracle.

Right now, all he wanted was to be her safe place to land.

He lightly kissed the top of her head and let her fall more deeply asleep before he picked her up, tucked her into his bed and returned to the couch for the night.

Lucy slept better that night than any she could remember.

In the morning her eyelids slammed open as a loud mechanical WHIRRR rang out from another room. In a panic, she sat bolt upright.

Where the fuck am I? 

For a moment, nothing looked familiar. Her heart started to pound. Even her clothes felt unfamiliar...

Then she looked down at her shirt. It had an image of a smiling Jirak surrounded by an assortment of fresh vegetables and a tagline reading "L.A. Orc Gardeners' Club."

Oh, sweet Nick, she thought, remembering. She took a deep breath and sank back into Nick's bed. Dave was arrested, she reminded herself. I might never have to feel that old dread, ever again. She looked beside her- the other side of the bed was undisturbed. Nick must have slept somewhere else. 

She heard the WHIRRR sound again, a clattering of something falling, and then a shout: "JIRAK DAMMIT!"

A few moments later, Nick burst in the bedroom grinning broadly, wearing a striped apron and holding two green smoothies. Fucking adorable, this guy. On closer look, she saw that his face and apron were splashed with green dots of smoothie... Oh, Nick.

She sat up and stretched, hair tumbling in all directions as she gave a sleepy smile. "Hey, good lookin'."

"Morning, Lucy!” He greeted her sunnily, “ I could tell you were starting to wake up so I wanted to get this ready. One of the guys at the smoothie café gave me the recipe for these so I can make them any time I want.”

He looked so proud as he handed her one, taking a seat on the bed next to her and waiting for her to taste it.

"Thanks, sweetie... should I ask why you're wearing it?"

"I um, broke the top of the blender... I guess they don't make those things too sturdy." She reached up and wiped a little smoothie off his cheek with one finger and brought it to her mouth to taste, giving him a look as she did so that made his ears twitch rapidly.

"How are you feeling?” he asked.

"Well, let's see,” she started, taking a sip of her smoothie, “I slept better than I have in months and I just woke up to a handsome, strapping orc feeding me delicious homemade smoothies in bed. It doesn't suck."

"Your leg?"

"Same," she shrugged, wiggling her toes as they poked out of the cast, then regretting that immediately as hot flames of pain shot down her broken shin.

"Is there anything else you need right now?”

”Right now?" She looked at him and raised her eyebrows slightly, reaching out to lightly brush his leg with her fingertips. "Only one thing comes to mind.”

”Lucy... are you sure?" he asked, covering her small hand with his larger one.

”if it’s not a good time, that’s fine. I just want you to know... I’m ready. To be with you.”

His brows furrowed very slightly as he looked straight in her eyes, scanning her face. There was no hesitation there, nothing she was holding back. Just affection, contentment, and... desire. And gods, did he return the feeling.

He leaned forward to kiss her but she held out a finger. 

"Not that it wouldn't be fun to lick you clean, but would you mind..." she asked, indicating his smoothie-dappled face and apron.

"I'll be right back," he told her with a sly smile. "Although I wouldn't mind trying it the other way..." She tossed a towel at him as he headed for the master bathroom.

Nick returned to the bedroom a quick minute later, wearing only his pajama pants - the shirt was a lost cause, banished to the laundry - where he found Lucy lying naked in his bed. 

"Want to join me?" she asked.

His mouth fell open before he thought to collect himself. Lucy found that completely adorable and bit her lip as he approached her where she lay.

He swallowed as he took in the sight of her, trying to memorize every beautiful square inch. He'd never been with a human woman before, and wanted this to be perfect, but he could feel his Orcish instincts starting to take hold as his arousal grew, and he hoped she wouldn't be turned off by any growls or nibbles. He ached to touch her.

There was still a part of him, though, that couldn't quite believe she would want him. Living around humans his whole life meant receiving a steady stream of messages that he was ugly, repulsive, just an animal: he'd internalized these messages to some degree. For a human to look at him like Lucy did: not only with love but with trust, respect... and lust -- it was a new experience.

"Lucy, you're..." His words failed him. "You're just so beautiful."

She gave him a warm smile. "Get over here, handsome," she told him, bending one knee slightly - the leg that wasn't in the cast - and the delicate musk of her arousal overtook him. He almost leapt into the bed, running his broad hands over her back and pressing his rough lips to her soft mouth. He loved feeling her impossibly silky human skin against his and marveled, once again, at how readily she yielded to him. Carefully he brought a hand up to cup the gentle swell of her breast, enjoying her soft hum as he lightly grazed her nipple with his thumb. Encouraged by this, he lowered his head to take her nipple in his mouth and gently suck at the taut, sensitive bud.

She moaned with want and pleasure at this and ran her hands up his back and neck, enjoying the feel of his well-defined muscles as he moved above her. He pulled back for a moment and looked into her eyes. Her face was flushed and her wavy hair spilled in all directions. The way she looked up at him floored him.

"Lucy, you're amazing. I meant what I said - well, blurted out - yesterday. I really do love you. I wanted to tell you that before..."

"Nick," she said, touched by his sincerity. "I love you, too. But..." A sly smile spread across her lips as she continued. "Please just kiss me now."

He returned her mischievous expression and let out a playful growl as she pulled him back into their kiss, breathing him in deeply as she held him to her. She wrapped her legs around him as they continued to kiss. The feeling of her sex pressed against his drove him crazy, and he felt his cock begin to throb and harden.

"Oh, Nick- I can feel you getting hard through your pants. My god, please..." she purred.

He reached down, down to feel her sex and let out a low rumble as he felt how wet she was for him. He began to gently stroke her clit, drawing a loud moan. After a moment, he slipped one... then two of his thick fingers inside her, feeling her arch her back beneath him as he pushed them inside her, finding a rhythm that seemed to drive her crazy.

"You like the way I feel, baby?" She asked breathlessly. "My gods, Nick, I want you inside me..." She felt him stiffen as she spoke. He made another rumbling growl. This one was less playful and more passionate, and its low vibration rang through her entire body.

He gave her a soft kiss before moving so that he could remove his pants. Lucy watched him carefully as he did and... was not expecting this. She'd heard rumors that orcs were bigger than humans, but she had no idea. Before she could stop herself she expressed some surprise, "Damn, Nick!"

He paused. "Is everything okay? Is it your leg? Am I-"

"Shhh, no, everything's good." She didn't know if she'd be able to take him or not, but she wanted to try. She brought her hands up to his face and started to stroke his ear, an action that brought him right back to the moment. His eyes rolled back and he let out a hiss of air as she continued to rub the sensitive spot. He returned to lie between her legs as his mouth found hers again, both now kissing hungrily.

Unable to resist any longer, he took himself in his hand and rubbed the head of his cock up and down against her a few times, rubbing against her clit and between her folds. He lined himself up with her entrance and paused, placing his hands on her hips and looking straight in her eyes as he pushed into her in one long, firm stroke.

She gasped as she felt him fill her entirely.

He waited just a moment before he began to move, rocking his hips gently at first. When she started to move beneath him, he could tell she was ready for more and began to increase his pace. Fucking her felt so good, so intense. He wanted to take his time with her, but he wasn't sure if he could hold back.

"Nick! You feel so good inside me," she managed to whisper in a trembling voice. Her words made his eyes roll back as he continued to move. She matched his rhythm as she moved against him, wrapping her legs around him to take him in even deeper. My god it wouldn't take him long at all, but he wanted to wait for her.

He reached down to stroke her clit again, drawing even louder moans from Lucy.

"Lucy... you feel incredible, oh my gods..."

"It feels... so good, Nick. My gods you fuck me so... good..." her breathing started to grow uneven and could tell she was getting closer to her climax. He let his restraint go a bit, driving into her pussy harder now, over and over as her moans grew louder and more intense. She called out his name, and dug her nails into his skin as her pleasure built.

Finally, she clasped her arms around him and cried out loudly, her orgasm crashing over her in waves. Her hips bucked wildly as she lost control in the moment, her cunt clenching tightly around his hard cock. The intensity of her release caused Nick to let go as well, pumping his seed into her and crying out her name as he did.

It took a few moments for them to catch their breath. They remained locked together for several seconds as their breath slowed and their pulse returned to normal. Nick gently bent his head down, pressing his forehead against hers for a several seconds. It was a solemn, intimate gesture: she found it deeply moving. She loved him so much... He gave her a soft kiss before gently easing himself out of her.

"Do you need anything?" he asked.

"Some water, please?" She enjoyed watching him walk around unabashedly naked as he went to the kitchen and returned with two cups. After they drank he returned to lie in the bed and she draped her arm and torso across his chest. She traced the intricate patterns of his skin markings with her fingertips and he watched her, smiling, until they both drifted off to sleep.

Lucy stumbled along a dark alleyway, stumbling over the occasional box or piece of trash as she made her way.  

Footsteps behind her - getting closer. She tried to pick up her pace without making much noise. She ducked into a narrow doorway and found a long hallway, lined with doors. She opened the first one to find... another hallway. Into the series of halls she went, shutting each door behind her, as quickly and as quietly as she could. She went deeper into the maze of hallways and doors. Surely he couldn’t still be following...

Yet every time she was still for a few seconds, there it was again: the sound of footsteps getting closer.

Suddenly, she realized that she had a choice. She didn’t have to run forever. Standing straight and rolling back her shoulders, she opened the door she’d just closed.

Facing her was Dave West. Was this who she was so afraid of for so long? He looked so small now.  Gathering her courage, she yelled as loud as she possibly could:

”NO! This is over! No!” And slammed the door in his face. Shaking, she listened hard for any sign of him on the other side, but he didn’t even try the doorknob. 

 From deeper in the room where she stood, she heard another sound:

 ”I’ve got you, I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

Lucy’s eyes snapped awake... it was a recurring nightmare. But it never ended that way before, with her confronting West. There was never a third person there, either.

"It's okay now, Lucy. You're safe here." She realized it must have been obvious she was having a nightmare, and Nick had held her close, protectively. It was Nick's voice that she'd heard at the end of her dream. He was looking at her with a worried expression, brushing a hair away from her face so that he could see her better. She smiled up at him and took a deep breath, holding him close to her as she responded, simply:

"I know."

Several months later, Ward was in Nick's house, helping him tie a Windsor knot. Nick was hopeless at it: he'd tried it no less than a dozen times before he had to call his partner.

"Well, partner, how do I look?" he asked. He was wearing a dark suit, freshly pressed, and a crisp white shirt. His necktie was a bright azure blue. Ward took a step back and cocked his head to the side, considering.

"Well you're ugly as ever, but the tie looks good. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Nick grinned broadly as he said, "Absolutely." It was an unusual decision, but he was more certain about this than almost anything.

"Then let's go," Ward said, grabbing his keys.

@cinnamonroll-issues @beastlybfs @fantasticauthoroafzonk @abigfanofyours @jaihardy @bonnietakesnosh-t

[crimsonlark]

Forgotten Talents

Summary:  A small one shot about Ross rediscovering his love of drawing. Just wanted to write something fluffy for a change :) Warnings:  swearing Words: 1932

AO3 link: Here

“Hey Trott, could you get me some pencils on your next trip out?” Ross had their only wireless controller in hand, playing a new game Smith had nicked for him. His seaglass tail was loosely wrapped around Trott's waist, twitching absentmindedly as he played.

“For writing?” Trott looked up from his laptop for a moment, pushing his glasses up and rubbing his tired eyes.

“Ah, no… well… I wanted to start drawing?” Ross said in a slightly embarrassed tone. His humanlike skin was betrayed by a bluish blush that spread across his cheeks.

Trott smiled at the sheepish gargoyle and leaned over to give him a peck on the cheek, “Sure, sunshine. Did you need a sketchbook?”

“Oh, no… I um… found one in a box we never unpacked and figured I could use it? Unless it's yours….” Ross had turned his attention back to the game, the blush still dusting his pale face.

“You can use it, I bought it forever ago and never did. You like to draw? I didn’t know that,” Trott tugged on the hem of his oversized sweater and adjusted Ross’ tail on his lap so it didn't snag.

“Just a little… I used to steal bits of leftover charcoal and parchment from artists who would come in to sketch the paintings in my church and just kinda copy what they did.”

Ross remembered being enraptured by the young and old artists coming in and having the skill to reproduce the beautiful works that decorated his old home. He practiced and got better, favoring drawing the artists themselves over the paintings which were static with the same expressions.

Humans were so fascinating, always changing and malleable. As a being of stone, it was a concept that took him a long time to understand. He learned a delicate touch from drawing after crushing his charcoal too roughly and ripping paper several times. It was difficult with his claws but after a few decades he became very precise and gentle.

When Smith burned his church down he cursed himself for not saving his stack of drawings. He was so caught up in the kelpie’s promise of freedom that it slipped his mind entirely. He mourned the loss once everything settled and decided to leave his solitary hobby behind for his new life of companionship.

Recently he had observed some students doing studies in the park and it rekindled his desire to create. He was a little embarrassed but knew Trott wouldn't tease him about something dear to him. Smith never really meant to be malicious but could be an insufferable teaser sometimes.

Trott leaned over to give him one more kiss on the cheek and broke him out his reverie, “I'll grab some next time I head out.”

“Thanks, Trott. Goddammit, can you look up the solution to this one?” He switched back to his usual joking tone and Trott laughed, watching him shake the controller in frustration.

-------

The clouds had finally cleared and left so Ross took the opportunity to climb up to the roof to draw. He didn't want anyone breathing down his neck as he tried to get back into the swing of it.

He had brought up various things from the apartment and laid them on the shitty plastic table he had on the roof. A bowl of fruit, that only he usually ate, was his first target. After adjusting the fruit for a minute he decided it was good enough and sat on the dangerously creaky lawn chair with his sketchpad in his lap.

He drew for a while, eventually switching out the subject with flowers he had picked from the nearby park. He was intensely focused, tail swishing behind slowly.

He was frustrated that it was so hard, he used to be so good and now it seemed like he was back to square one after not practicing for so long. Annoyed, he crumpled up a page that was just looking terrible and did some deep breathing. ‘You just need to practice more’, he could almost hear Trott advising him. He sassed back the Trott voice in his head, laughing at himself and tried again, a little more relaxed.

Smith had been watching him stealthily for a while now, surprised he hadn't been noticed. Ross was usually very aware of his surroundings. Trott mentioned he was drawing and warned him to not bother him but when had he ever listened?

“Whatcha doin?” Smith asked, getting bored of just watching from the fire escape.

Ross jumped a little, being pulled out of his sort of trance, “What? Oh, just, uh, drawing,”

“Can I see?” Smith sauntered over and draped his arms around Ross from behind, making the chair squeak more under their weight.

“I guess … just don't make fun of me, you prick,” Ross huffed, annoyed that Smith was up here, probably to bother him.

“Oy, I'm always polite, I'll have you know. Woah, you're good! Better than I am definitely, haha,” Smith stood up and moved around to his side as Ross flicked through the couple of drawings he had done the past few days.

“Could I model for you?” Smith flashed a smile at Ross who rolled his eyes.

“I doubt you could sit still long enough.”

“I totally can, look!” Smith grabbed the other molded plastic chair and sat in it, doing a cheesy pose with his hands under his chin.

“Well, I am pretty bored of drawing fruit and shit… Fine…” Ross said in mock defeat, “But don't move until I'm done with my sketch, please.”

“Aye aye, captain,” Smith pulled a dumb face and saluted him, receiving another eyeroll. He laughed heartily and then struck a pose, one arm flexed with a smirk on his face.

“Good, stay,” Ross did quick gesture drawings, telling him to move after a few minutes each. He told him how to pose a few times but mostly Smith was pretty good at keeping it exciting.

After a little less than an hour of this Ross said he was done.  “Well, lemme see, then,” Smith demanded playfully.

Ross turned the sketchbook over to him and Smith flicked through, smile on his face.

“Not bad, you made me look really sexy in this one,” He grinned and winked before tossing the sketchbook back to him.

“Thank you Smith,” Ross had packed up his supplies and pulled him into a kiss, “Mostly for not making fun of me.”

“Hey, I'm not that much of a dick…” Ross pulled a face, “Most of the time…. Okay whatever, maybe I am a dick a lot of the time but I think it's really cool that you draw, I'm definitely not good at it. It's fascinating.” Smith stretched and yawned, complaining that he was hungry.

Ross smiled and hugged Smith tight, knowing that of all the decisions he had made, he was most glad for going with Smith that day and choosing to not be alone anymore.

------

“Like this?” Trott was reclined on their couch, fully nude. He was humoring Ross who was still really eager to draw since he had brought him pencils. At first he declined, he wasn't like Smith or Ross who frequently hung around stark naked without any fear.

He wasn't ashamed of his body but not extremely comfortable being so exposed. It made him feel vulnerable and he didn't like it. Only the praise and reassurance from his favorite gargoyle had made him relax enough to agree and try something new.

“Holy shit, Trott… you are so fucking gorgeous,” Ross breathed, his eyes tracing the delicate lines of his collarbone and the hint of muscle in his relaxed arms.

“Yeah, sure, says the literal piece of art,” Trott scoffed back without any real heat. He held his pose comfortably and watched Ross as he drew him. Ross’ tongue would poke out and wet his lips now and then as he occasionally muttered to himself. A small crease formed between his eyebrows, it was so endearing that there was no way Trott could’ve said no.

“Now be sure to draw my dick actual size, you know huge,” Trott gestured down at his crotch jokingly.

“Hey, don't move! I'll accurately represent your tiny dick, Trott, don't worry,” He laughed and waved absentmindedly at him.

Trott's stomach jumped with laughter as he tried to reposition his limbs how they were. He held the pose for another twenty minutes until Ross said he was done.

“Damn, Ross, it looks just like me…” Trott said amazed after he went to get a look. He had tried painting before but it was really hard and he gave up quickly when it wasn't perfect.

“Would you like some tea?” Ross smiled sheepishly, he didn't want Trott to make a big deal over his drawing.

“Yeah, thank you. Seriously, you're amazing, love. Why’d you stop drawing?” Trott asked as he slipped some boxers on and followed Ross into the kitchen.

Ross shrugged as he clattered around, getting the kettle on, “I dunno… when Smith brought me back here I lost all sense of my older self for a while. I was a whole new person with you all. Thinking about drawing brought back how lonely I felt in that church and I really didn’t want to think of those days.”

“Oh sunshine…” Trott wrapped his arms around Ross’ middle from behind and kissed his shoulder where he could reach. “Goddamn you tall bastards.” He grumbled and Ross laughed.

Ross turned in his embrace and leaned back against the counter, slumping down until they were the same height, “Better?”

“Oh shut up,” Trott rolled his eyes before kissing him. He ran his hands through his short dark hair, trying to put all his love for the man into the kiss. They all were terrible about sharing feelings and Trott cursed himself that he didn’t tell Ross more that they loved him and wanted him. He was such a delicate thing in a tough exterior, stone cold and unyielding when they first met. Now more than ever he looked human and just as vulnerable as Trott had felt when he first left the kingdom under the sea.

They broke apart and he looked intently into his eyes. A swirl of magic could be seen in those ocean water eyes if you knew what to look for. Trott lifted his hand up and stroked his bottom lip before resting it on the side of his face. One last tender kiss and the teapot interrupted them. They sighed and ended their embrace, fingers laced together as Ross deftly prepared their tea with one hand.

They returned to the couch and snuggled close, slowly drinking as the it cooled off.

“Ross, I know we all don’t say it enough but… I love you, Smith loves you. Hell, Sips is hopelessly in love with you. I just want you to know that you’ll always be ours and we’ll be yours. You don’t have to ever be alone again,” Trott’s eyes were a little misty but he hid it by quickly taking another sip of tea.

“I know. I love you all too. That’s why I decided I could draw again, I’m not attached to my past anymore and I want to share all I have with you,” Ross smiled, a small tear welling in his eye and breaking only to have Trott catch it with a soft hand.

“No crying in your tea, it’ll ruin the taste,” Trott laughed gently.

Ross just snorted and lied his head on Trott’s shoulder as they both enjoyed the quiet apartment.

[slothcritic]

Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Episode 2

A better followup with actual characters.

And They All Lived Happily Ever… Oh… starts off with some better-handled exposition than we were given last episode. In this one, it seems more to work into Goku's character than simply for the sake of getting the plot established and out of the way. We also get more development here, where it becomes apparent that apart from being just "the idiot" he's also "the annoying idiot". Sure it's hilarious to watch, but from the point of view of anyone else in the show, his dense and naive nature can be infuriating (more on that later though...)

Also the genesis of the yoshi joke. Though I just realized, in the background during this is a faint rustling sound. This is either the background noise of a bad microphone or great sound design of the rustling of clothing as they fly through the air. I actually only noticed it because it stops so abruptly when Goku asks if he could ride Piccolo. Not sure why that is.

After the title sequence, we're back to Raditz immediately peaking his microphone with poor voice acting. Gohan is crying for obvious reasons, and an annoyed Raditz chucks him into the soundproof timeout pod.

To TFS’ credit, they seemed to have picked up at least some of the problems the first episode had, as Goku directly calls Raditz on revealing plot points that haven't been explained yet, specifically Raditz referring to Piccolo as a Namekian.

This is both fourth-wall breaking and tongue-in-cheek jab at themselves. It really seems like it shouldn't work, but honestly I think it does. My reasoning is because it's funny. It in fact only works because of how badly they screwed up in the first episode with the writing. It might also hint at some kind of humility or the ability to laugh at themselves, which is the absolute heart and soul of improving with comedy.

Returning to the plot, Piccolo casts off his cape and it makes a big thud when it lands. Goku asks if Piccolo wears weighted training clothes as well, and Piccolo responds in deadpan, saying no, he just loves to get naked around Goku. Raditz however, takes this literally.

This whole exchange is a little weird. It almost works, especially with the Harvey Birdman zinger at the end, but the bad "Shut up!" afterwards kills the momentum. It would have been much cleaner and smoother if it had immediately transitioned into the fight scene after Harvey Birdman.

Speaking of, the fight scene has no lip flaps. I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, this is way, way before TFS started splicing lip flaps from other scenes or having Kirbopher draw up new ones. On the other, it's a little weird to hear a character speaking out loud and then not see their lips moving. Goku's incessant, futile attempts to attack Raditz also make me feel like he's not just stubborn, but also too dumb to quit... which might not that far off from canon Goku.

Raditz fires a Double Sunday (or whatever name you want to call it) at Goku and Piccolo. Goku taunts Raditz for missing him.

"My bad."

Into the dirt with you, Goku. When their fast-paced material hits, it hits hard.

It's then revealed that Piccolo has lost his left arm to that attack. Goku begins an awkward series of "high five, handshake, thumbs up" but keeps cutting himself off, rather like how Raditz cut off Piccolo's arm. This doesn't work however, as all of the examples given can be done with the one arm Piccolo still has. The delivery does more than the actual line does, to MasakoX's credit.

TFS then takes a direct line from the Funimation dub - "Has anyone seen my arm? You can't miss it, it's green". I'm sure they do this a few times, perhaps more than I'm aware, but this just sort of seems... I wouldn't say it's bad, because it's a funny line that can work with the scene, but it just feels lazy to me. Like they needed to give Raditz a line, and said "Eh, why not?"

Piccolo then begins what might the ultimate brick joke when he tells Goku to stall Raditz for five minutes while he charges the Makosnuffleupagus. This whole scene is probably the best in the episode. From Piccolo's explanation of the situation, to Goku's background screams, to Piccolo singing Mahna Mahna.

Goku manages to catch Raditz by the tail twice, the context of which is not explained: Raditz as a Saiyan becomes crippled with pain if his tail is squeezed. He simply asks "please" and then "pretty please" to be let go, and Goku obliges. This further expands Goku's character as someone with the capacity to see redemption in anyone, but also how incredibly gullible he can be. And stupid. Verrrry stupid.

Goku is now flat on his back with Raditz crushing his ribs. Speaking of stupid, Goku tries to correct Raditz that Piccolo is not a Namekian, but a Yoshi. He does not understand what sarcasm is and wants to eat it.

Raditz peaks his microphone again and Goku pulls a Homer Simpson - "I think you broke my--!! Mmm... Ribs..."

It's at this time that Gohan completely smashes out of the space pod and headbutts Raditz, cracking his armor. The "We get it, you're from space!" joke was born here, but it honestly isn't funny. It's out of left field and isn't really warranted, since "space pod" makes sense but "space armor" is just a forced non-sequitur to prompt the punchline.

Goku is completely shocked, as so far with the combined efforts of himself and Piccolo, the two strongest people on the planet, they have collectively done Jack and Shit. To say, four year Gohan just outperformed both of them with a single blow. Though to say he's a good father is a stretch, as he seems a little more focused on Gohan's fighting ability than his safety as the shit-wrecker of the week is currently looming over him. Yes, enjoy it while you can, Raditz, this is the only episode where you're not a joke.

Raditz then backhands the ever loving shit out of Gohan. This was a risky play, kind of like this episodes version of the voice actor fight in the first episode, but I still find this holds up fairly well. Raditz is clearly an evil character, and the KaiserNeko voice-over crosses the line twice when it tries to address the scene in the fourth wall. Is it necessary? I'd say yes. It needs to happen to set up the next sequence of events. The pause and voice-over works to address it head-on and really twist the nail in rather than just letting it fly by and have the viewer go "Wait, did that just happen?"

Goku once again showing his great father skills by worrying about what his wife will do to him if Gohan dies, rather than worrying about Gohan dying. Raditz prepares to mind-crush the four year old, and Goku suddenly activates hero mode and full-nelsons Raditz with quite a few broken ribs. Cue a rather funny scene of Raditz struggling to break free of something so inconsequential to the rest of what's transpired.

Oh yeah, Piccolo's still a thing. And his Mekkacockadoodledoo is done charging. Goku warns him to let him know before he attacks Raditz, because he’s right behind him.

Piccolo however plans to kill the both of them at the same time. But can you blame him? The characterizations this episode have kind of set the scene for this to happen, and it's not out of left field or at all out of character for either of them: Piccolo's maniacal plotting and Goku's oblivious, trusting nature.

The pronunciation of the "Special Beam Cannon" attack's Japanese name is also a fairly long brick joke, but on its own it's funny enough just because of the ridiculousness of the attack's name - Makankosappo for those who can't be bothered to look it up on Google. Using this, Piccolo takes out Raditz, Goku and their brand deal.

Raditz dies with a cheesy "damn you hindsight" and Goku dies because there's apparently a hole in his esophagus (there's not). Piccolo regrows his arm with an insanely metal yell, nicks Gohan, and then fucks out of there. The Krillin Owned Count then goes up to 2 because Roshi tells him to shut up... Yeah, not getting good use of this so far.

Conclusion

Much better than the first episode, actually. Though still with its own issues, it seems there’s either more to work with or TFS was trying a different, more successful approach to writing.

Characters are more developed whereas Non-Characters are staying as Non-Characters. Goku gets the most in my opinion, as he was just the “plot vehicle” in the first episode. More of Piccolo, who was still stellar in this episode, and... some Raditz? He has some hilarious lines and zingers but we don’t really get to know more about him aside from he’s an evil dick. Everyone else still gets nothing.

Writing is... Okay? It’s definitely not bad, and parts were genuinely enjoyable, but I wouldn’t say its very good overall. There were about as many or even fewer “misses” as far as punchlines, jokes or spoken dialogue compared to the first episode but and MANY more “hits”

However, unlike the first episode, there wasn’t a satisfying conclusion. The episode ends like a limp noodle and peters out immensely once the fight is over. The Special Beam Cannon is the climax of the fight but that doesn’t mean everything has to be stale after it.

Microphone quality seems inconsistent across the cast, but is mostly still terrible with Raditz.

Score: 68

Passing Thoughts

"Now I can just sit back and- [BEEP BEEP BEEP] -beat the crap out of whoever's coming. Sigh. Great." - Probably Raditz's best line/delivery so far. It's so sarcastic and weary in tone that I can't help but love it.

"Attacking an opponent roughly four times your strength in a one-on-one battle. A cunning strategy. No, no not cunning. What's the opposite of that?"

"RETARDED?!" - A joke that’s probably no longer in their style of writing, but it’s one of the better ones of Season 1. Political correctness aside, it’s just so sudden and blunt that it can’t help but make me burst out into laughter.

"A full nelson? That won't work on me. I'm Raditz!... Okay let go... Seriously this is starting to piss me off!"

"Riiiiicola!"